desperate meditations

So the anxiety at times takes you to those moods where you can’t tolerate your own time or surrounding. You tend to get irritated with everything. Each of those persons you so love otherwise tend to become your allies ready to do spells your already charcoaled mind. You tend to ignore life and all its colors. Dragging your day you finally manage to begin with your everyday persuels but nothing is what that gets produced in such mindset.

So off you go with those drags of social ignorance and give yourself those few minutes of smoggy trance. There in the fading day you see many things on dance – the life around with all of its intensities – those people all caught in their world and its propensities and yes  yourself as a critique of all. You are both a participant and observer and there with that double identity you give those moments several civilizations of reflections.

And you reach that preaching of a branch of Buddhism which claims that there is nothing like matter outside and everything we see is a product of our own imagination. And yet another branch which says that even nothing is something so there is a thing called matter which is present outside and with which we get created. Rather attachment with this very matter keeps us all engages in those endless cycles of life and death. And it is from that matter that we have to save the other bred. Hence enter all those terms of bodhisattva, arahata and that enlightened budhdha.

I somehow can identify with both of these aspects. I mean i was in a dark mood because of which world attained its red shade with all of its hideousness. And it is also the world the world in real which was doing certain actions to make me more and more repulsive every moment. Was it all real or just a thought of mah head? Weren’t those happenings and things real that were causing those reactions. And equally real were my pre – notions and moods that were causing those things to happen. Atleast the intensity was because of my own lack of tolerance.

Like those accidents where at times a person is responsible for it with his careless drive or drunk mind state but also those times when one has nothing to do in destiny’s sway. A child meets his father at night, plays with him and goes off to sleep in his arms. The father never wakes up again. Isn’t it an external force that changes the child’s life altogether and also the way he perceives things. Or such happenings are also a set of shadows – a theatre of which we are both actors as well as the audience?

So Galileo one day observed that there is no higher authority like god to have anything to do with the creation of earth. That man and earth being at the center of universe is a false statement and we nothing but some moving particles upon a large round ball and there are infinite similar balls in this large universe. Is that too a product of galileo’s imagination? What is the base of science, religion, geography if there is nothing outside but a shadow of our mind?

There is another philosophy which talks about a larger conscience where along with our distinctive individual consciousness there is a larger conscience which connects us to that divine at large. Where each of our cells, both external and internal matter keeps on getting created and destroyed and cosmos remains the same – no energy lost . no energy gained. Only that time changes and that tooin mental games. Somehow everything seems both sterile and mundane then.

Imagine being a part of such scientific cycle where some grams of mud, few vapours of wind, some ambers of fire and some waves one day decide to get together in some vacuome place and create you in a new phase. All those things request energy to join them and there gets birth you with some family’s stem. You keep struggling with numerous notions – all products of time and your mind. Those particles keep on playing the game and showcasing your model to that world outside. But then they get bored. or maybe they no more want to remain together all bored. despite of nany shifts in which some element or the other worked – they are now tired and bored. so they get separated to create something new at some other shore. And there lie you no more .

Everything gets finished- those anxieties those chores .the people you so wanted to please – the people would be missed no more. Those things you wanted to own – they still lie but you are no more. But your photographs remain – so do your memories – till your next generation or even next if they are not always in hurry. And there those elements had created new mazes – new perceptions to worry. Without giving any explanation to their creations – why they lived together why to separate – they are in hurry. Why they lived together in the first hand if always they have so much to worry.

So here i sit with a mind further complicated with those notions and equations. What is life or whether death is better in some other nation. Should i say that life is same – no matter where you live – its always the same game. Some situations, some expressions – all cause of some creations – without expectations. All are mere experiments – those living and those in head. All are strange equations of permutation and combination. All even those at war – those nations.

So why worry?  Why live at the first place? or why die if this is what is not some pre – fixed fate. Complexities are after all – yet some other creations of imagination. They get real in matter once they gerab our fascination. So now that i know  that i basically know nothing i think i can begin my day. There is bliss in this dying sun’s ray.

 Written by - Mystical Wanderer