Consciousness and the spaces we live in

 

Consciousness and the spaces we live in

Being an INFJ, a writer and an artist — my ambience has always mattered a lot to me. The landscape around, the color palette of both the city and house, the aesthetics, the energy; if it is crowded or not and so on.

I was an art collector and also loved holding on to objects holding memories, yet as I am spiritually evolving, it is minimalism that appeals more to me.

However, it is not just about me. Being a traveler for almost 13 years, living in numerous guest houses, homes; having experienced all kinds of life styles; often chasing the next inspiration to create, paint, think or write; the impact of environment upon a soul — simply fascinates me.

One can argue that an idea can come anywhere and if someone is really willing to execute it; even that can be brought to life anywhere. to a certain extent, I agree. Yet not fully. Ask an empath who is a writer — living amidst noisy and lousy people. Regardless of good ideas, thoughts, even the will to write; the work can’t really happen with someone or other repeatedly hampering his/her chain of thoughts.

Spirituality can say that it is all internal. All creations, all manifestations. That external factors can only impact us if we let them. As such there is nothing external. That external reality too is a mirror of our inner reality — the conflicts, the realizations, the truth we need to hear, the strength we must attain, the growth that must happen and so on.

To a certain extent, it is true. And so, the same phenomenon can also probably be used to bring a shift to our internal reality. Don’t you think so?

Like people go for vacations to heal themselves. Changes of scenery does them good. Artists visit landscapes to get inspired. Writers go hang out amidst all sorts of communities just to get inspiration or understand humanity or connections.

Ask an abused wife, if leaving a traumatic relationship and home gives her release or not from her pain. Yet, also ask her how long did it take for her to actually step out of it mentally.

For, not always that an external change can change us entirely. Any person suffering with PTSD would swear on that. For though the trauma is no more playing out there in reality, the external conditions may have become normal rather healthy; yet the trauma still plays again and again in the mind or the nervous system still clutches on to it tightly. The sub conscious or unconscious still lives in the same trauma despite of timeline shift or literal shift geographically.

But we are talking about conscious selves. The choices we make. The things we consciously observe or feel through our senses. And how we get impacted by it and even impact it.

For even if I feel like water — so fluid my entity has been with years of travels; yet the way I change at different places and amidst various people — it totally fascinates me.

Being from a narcissistic family; I be the least me at my own home. And being a traveler majorly, I be the freest when in any other city but my own. I behave entirely different when with friends. Even there, there are levels to it. With old, close friends, I be more vulnerable. With creative souls, I rather feel proud and happy to share my creations with. yet most often, that the society seems artificial, superficial and totally absurd to me and I become a severe introvert then.

I have even had people-pleasing tendencies in my past. When I really-really wanted to belong. All that had to be healed. For no outsiders can really decide my credibility or value. It was both because of my conditioning and the environment that expected me to follow blindly. Or maybe my circumstances or phases where I had to follow and drown deep, to connect to the volume of the sea and hence not just learn how to swim but also to reach the other end and finally be free of it.

But that’s just me.

Doesn’t your behavior or sense of self also shift with various roles or places? a principal may head a school or a college, but when she/he gets home, she/he has to become a mother or a father and not expect everyone even in family to still give her/him the same obedience or authority. In office one would be formal but amidst friends he/she can be informal and in the privacy of his own space he/she can really be himself/herself.

Now, that we have understood that we do perform various roles and have multiple personalities and are impacted by our environment, people, places — we can now shift to discussing the same in detail.

Growing up, I have always been about decorating my room. Not just in my own home that involved hand painting walls at times, hanging paintings everywhere, wrapping door handles with laces to make them cushiony, making walls vibrant with handmade sheets, writing inspirational quotes upon my almirah doors or walls, having planters to increase life energy, having as less clutter around as possible, even covering the glass paned almirah containing thousands of old books with glass paintings -to have a sense of harmony and less clutter. Basically, I have been all about aesthetics. And not just visual, also sensational.

Say the softness upon door handles. Or soft cushiony toys all over my bed to have that cushiony feel whenever I fall down upon it. Or pink and gold curtains to filter out sunlight in a vibrant hue. Or off-white lights in my room. I hate bright white light. And I hate that DDA kind of yellow color upon wall. My room always seemed like an extension of my mind. With art, writings, musical instruments around.

Not just at home, even when I go to stay at offbeat places, in random guest house for few months or even days. I always ensure to customize and decorate it my way. Can be brush-stands or soap-dishes made out of plastic bottles, or paper paintings temporarily taped upon walls, or handmade sheets covering those windows that may tamper my privacy and so on. Creative ways to feel as if I belong. Creative ways to get inspired to create more.

I have also observed the exact opposites. Like I had a friend and his room was sheer white. No piece of alliteration, no painting, no art or writing. Even his wardrobes and showpieces were all a part of wall. The bed was white. The sheets were white. I totally got awed by it. Even that was a refreshing change. I love white. But I know, had I been in that room for long, and had it belonged to me, I would have still alliterated it with something. That’s me.

Buddhists though mind tiny empty ancient caves as best to meditate. The less cluttered our surrounding, the best. the mess the noise around, the more our attention gets focused. I agree.

Back in Bangalore, when I had a house of my own, I had just begun my corporate life. My bed was on floor with few mattresses. There was no furniture. And I totally loved that. It was super easy to clean and mop the floor. The sleep at night was sure a delight. And there was simply so much space even if it was just a studio apartment. Yet my walls were hand painted, I had an aquarium towards one corner, there were pretty curtains upon two large windows that used to bring in sunlight each day and create rainbowed prisms at morning and evening hours. I just loved living there.

Sunlight, air, view, state of mind, space to think, space to be — there are so many factors that actually fill soul to a place.

And décor; vibes; sense of freedom; inspiration; weather; facilities around; food for mind, body, soul; company; aesthetic, colors; seasons — there are numerous factors that make us actually feel home. Regardless where you blood relations live. Despite of where your job.

And of course, the most significant factor to all these things is Love! May it be loving people around that can make all remaining things be less significant; or loving a certain job for which you won’t mind compromising upon few things; or even loving a certain lifestyle that can make you give up on some of these things.

For example, hygiene is super significant to me, yet while travelling; it is next to impossible to get clean curtains or clean window sills. Maximum you can expect is a clean sheet and maybe washed washroom. Yet, one never knows, if the towels provided are clean or just dried. And those blankets for sure are never ever clean. Still, travel or landscapes or this sense of myself that I be while on road — gains much more importance — for which I have to let go the dirty rugs or curtains.

At home there are all kinds of comforts, but there are stress and suppression and this feeling of surveillance round the clock. That’s how narcissists make you feel. They simply hamper all sense of creativity. I therefore stay up late at night, just to have quiet hours; I spend most of my awake hours on terrace -just to have my space and even there that my family doesn’t mind to come at times- just to meddle with my personal space.

So, for me, anywhere else is good then staying here at home. It rather becomes a golden cage for me. And not in a good way.

It is now that I am realizing why I didn’t mind such adverse conditions all these years of travelling. Of course, I had this passion to travel and see the world. But above that, I was also trying to find myself away from the pressure and hold of narcissists at home.

Maybe that’s why aesthetics is that valuable to me. They make me feel home wherever that I. I have realized that the only home I really have is deep in my soul. Yet when I do travel, I extend that home to my room with slight touches of fairy lights or paintings or certain temporary add-ons. All that gives me a sense of belonging not just to that place but to that home within. In a way the inner reality gets reflected outside through such gestures. As if my mind manifests externally, assuring me of a safe and creative place. A dream home.

Now that I have vented and spoken about aesthetics, we can move to even landscapes for that matter. A friend I was talking with recently shared his travelling experience. He said that he always considered himself a mountain person, yet last year when he visited Goa, he could discover a beach lover in him. I told him that mountains provide us strength and beaches provide us expansion for creativity or even out entity. He got overjoyed with these words.

Won’t you agree with this? Mountains with their ever stable, solid presence — don’t really change much. Yet their presence helps us look within and connect to that inner strength to stand firm for ourselves. Maybe that’s why sages from all timelines have always preferred to go and meditate in solitude upon higher mountains. Likewise with altitude as well. the lesser the oxygen, the lesser thoughts.

Sea on the other hand cleanses our very chakras — physically, energetically, psychologically — at all levels. As such, sitting beside any water body is therapeutic anyway. Rivers teach us to go on. Lakes provides us reflective moments. Seas provide us with free power, with memory of universal D.N.A., with a feeling of freedom same like water — that is deep, powerful yet so soft and flowy. One feels expanded simply looking at the horizon of sea and sky.

Deserts too have their own power like that. They teach you endurance. They inspire you to be vibrant and colorful — for the backdrop becomes so dull that you automatically shine bright. The stars become brighter there. The voice gains a texture.

Snow provides purity. Everything feels magical in snow. Experiencing live snow fall is simply another level experience. The entire world turns from many colors to a single color — pure white. It feels so divine and magical.

And have you ever experienced a thunderstorm? Well, I love rain. Regardless of the season. I love water as an element to be honest. Rains are my favorite time. and if you add on lightening or thunder to it. Aah! It just feels so so empowering to me.

I specially remember this one moment during my first ever solo journey. I was returning in a super-fast train from Bangalore to Delhi. On the way I was standing upon the door — to better feel the whooshing wind due to superfast speeding train, the heavy rain that I was lucky to experience and then a giant lightening strike in the sky along with a bolt of thunder. I can’t tell you how empowered I actually felt in the moment. As if divine itself was filling me up with some magical energy.

Later though I had a break up from my only boyfriend ever. He was toxic, and that lightening was possibly showing me an upcoming tower moment to me; I just realized. Yet, the feeling of that moment was simply incredible.

And even till this day, I absolutely love both rain and lightning. Rather, at times I specially go to Himachal or Uttarakhand — just to spend entire monsoon season — struck in mountains — watching the rains washing those pines and clouds filling my room — making it all a hazy fairy world.

I love clouds too. My paintings too then gain numerous snowy hazy clouds. And the birds become clearer with the world hidden behind clouds and only birds appearing upon porticos or immediate trees. Another ethereal world that talks to me directly. I attain my favorite state — where nobody can see me, and I see just the beauty — that divine chooses for me selectively.

Yet another perspective to look at our plain of living can also be ‘Time’. It is said that those unhappy in present, tend to live in past. They glorify the past, say phrases like ‘those were the days’, alliterate their mind with mementos of memories and just escape into earlier timelines. And those not content in present either remain anxious and fearful of future or keep on creating fantasies of future. They have delusional believes about themselves and their destiny. That may work as positive affirmation but may even lead to further disappointment.

Regardless, the fact that people can escape their present timeline just with their thoughts and can even choose to live in their cherished memories or world of fantasies is a crazy phenomenon and a super powerful tool both for mental relief and for escaping a problematic reality.

A coma patient may wake up after years and still believe himself or herself to be in some time 20 years ago. A refugee may return to his country after years and would rather think about the way he had loved his beloved country then accept the modern changes in it. A poor person has to hope for better, more abundant days; else he won’t be able to survive through the difficult everyday struggle of life!

The mind or consciousness therefore plays with itself. I had a cousin grandfather who though had migrated from Pakistan to India back in his childhood. Yet, in his extreme old age, all he remembered was his childhood spent back in his native village in Pakistan — from where he was forced to shift at the time of migration. When he was finally done with all his duties, and was nearing the closure of life; his conscious self-gave in to sub conscious that had stored all his childhood memories safely somewhere. To our disbelief, he remembered all the lanes from his village way clearly but hardly anything from India where he spent majority of his life. He found home in his past, where he must have actually felt the safest as a child — much before life took a toll upon his family and everything changed in their lives.

Many lunatics on the other hand believe themselves to be kings or presidents or some authoritative figure maybe because they of feeling helpless in their actual life or maybe secretly all humans desire to reign or seek power or I don’t know.

We can take another example of teenagers who have such high ambitions of changing the world and becoming so and so back in their teenage. However, life soon teaches new lessons and hardly anything happens as planned. I am not saying that always goes bad or something. Maybe it turns out way better than expected. But the innocence of teenage or childhood where everything seems attainable and reality has still not hit yet; it becomes almost a dream like state where a person has energy and curiosity of youth and determination, hopes, fantasies of future without fears that enter our system due to experiences.

Another realm of living in can be fantasy — whether created by self or imposed by others.

All religions run partially on fantasy and faith. I am not denying the presence of God. I too believe in divinity and have solid faith in it. Yet, almost all preachers and religious or spiritual organizations do indeed create numerous good or bad fantasies to rule the general mob using fear or reward. And people do love to believe the commercial and institutionalised versions of faith as not everyone is rational or wise enough to discriminate or set upon the path of Sun to figure out life for oneself. They prefer to consume spoon-fed beliefs may it be politics or religion. Power or faith. They just are told that hell and heaven are two extremes and one punishes, another is reward. That they must always obey, else they are rebels and therefore wrong. I have seen entire families voting for the same party even through generations — just because it runs in the family.

Most of the society simply goes with herd mentality and hardly questions — why they must get married, accept a political leader, follow the social ladder, continue contributing to consumerism or capitalism, believe in certain gods, do no not do certain things… government, media, religions, spiritual organizations, capitalists, communities, very families — they all brainwash each individual and society as a whole — more or less remains herded, controlled in lives they never actually asked for.

Why I am talking about it, is because that’s a space — mental, emotional, psychological, social, even literal where we live in without even being aware of it being our choice or not.

Had it been a dream or a fantasy of someone, it would have been mystical and rather fancy. There is nothing wrong with an adolescent kid mock playing and imagining being in a barbie or superhero’s world. There is nothing wrong with a student imagining a better future and working in some other country or at a high paying job. There is nothing wrong with having ambitions or wishing for things or experiences.

What is wrong however is the difference between whether a fantasy is your or imposed upon you.

I am a free soul. I had not been much ambitious financially for many years of my life. I preferred to travel, to live experiences, be in nature, create as much as I could… however recently, I am realizing that not only it is high time I must have my independent and self-owned home but also earn real good so as to provide myself a safe space unaffected from my narcissistic family, unadulterated from consumerist society… plus, the places that I loved to travel to, even the offbeat villages have all now become totally capitalistic and full of vices. Earlier I used to feel home on mountains or beaches. Now all anybody wants is money. And the values of even those simple folks are by far gone.

Maybe they were the same even earlier. And rather I was naïve and innocent. But ever since 2019, I am feeling as if either I am living in some simulation or the world has actually changed. Maybe my perceptions have shifted. Or maybe I become more judgmental. Maybe, the world indeed has changed and has become so massively capitalistic. Maybe, post lockdown, the WFH people who had no knowledge about real travel or respect for those places; but simply had city vices and obscene amount of money — maybe they corroded it. Maybe the greed of those villagers impacted it.

Maybe, money is indeed a reality of today’s time. and I must earn and earn really well to meet those requirements. Not like, I am not capable. I actually have worked at various high paying jobs. I just can’t handle the office politics which I now understand is because of I being a scapegoat at home. Also, being an artist, an empath, a writer, a traveller — anything that demands all my time and energy without giving me back what I really expect and deserve seems like a wastage of my precious energy. I seek creative outlet, learning experience, acceptance for who I am, genuine people, high paying, not running by the clock, focused more upon quality of work than the time I am reaching or leaving, prefers result rather than pretention of doing work, etc… Instead, I find typical 9–5 job options with people believing themselves to be ‘know-all’s and such.

Thing is, I had always remained entirely focused upon creating. To keep on writing experiences as I travelled. To keep on documenting. I hardly had time to stay and convert them into marketable products. I did try, but never had patience to buy or show them my work’s value. There are numerous books, paintings, and other creations still in my stalk. Not like I am gatekeeping everything. I did publish many books. I did share my art. Just haven’t really got that big break you can say.

I have also realized recently, that I have always been sub-consciously afraid of actually earning a lot or having lot of fame. All my life I pursued freedom. I didn’t know earlier, from what. Now I understand it. I have actually sat upon life’s hot seat so many times — amidst my own blood relations, so called friends, society… that now I don’t think, I need to be afraid of it anymore. My own people left no stone unturned to insult, degrade, suppress, traumatize me — however they could.

I reached rock bottom and noticed my friends vanishing from my life, my family making me a problem case, society further laughing about it or again hardly understanding it. Not like I didn’t get support. Divine sends help through strangers when you are pure.

Yet, I was still afraid of getting into my power or fame as each time I took a bold step, tried taking a stand for myself, experimented with something new, tried leaving the trauma bonds or stepped out of the matrix — somehow I was punished for it. My efforts were never rewarded. My mistakes or attempts of stating my entity were sung everywhere. I was made to be the problem case when it was, they themselves who were insecure and unhappy with their own selves.

There was never a competition in my head. Yet they all stayed weirdly competitive.

Now though, I am on the verge of taking another leap. I am on a crossway. I can either continue my old survival mechanism as I actually loved to travel. Though it hardly satisfies me anymore. I have been there, done that. I don’t like people anymore. And they are happy with the corrupt, soulless version of their villages. The hippies scene seems lost. The pore emotions feel devalued. Maybe I can try travelling to other countries now. Who knows I may find my joy back.

Yet another way, is to take a giant leap and switch the very paradigm of more than a decade of my life. To again join some corporate job and earn amazingly well like before. It does excite me in terms of work, creativity, finally some educated intellectual company. Yet I wonder do I wish to be in the same rat race? I can if I run a marathon. Without being in any competition. Simply participating and taking what I wish to take and giving what I can best give. The choice though is rarely met or given.

Yet third option is divine intervention. When the destiny simply decides to finally pay for my efforts. When my books get decent publishers or who knows even film makers. When I be able to open my own café to actually create the vibe I seek outside. To have the same purity and creativity at a place that I used to travel for. Maybe my art pieces finally sell off at a great price by some art collector who actually admires the vibrance and life element in them. Maybe, people finally realise that I actually fuse 5D level consciousness with intuition, psychology, experience and finally channelise a guidance for them that really can shift their entire life’s trajectory. Maybe my original songs actually become a set of healing albums for the world to get healed from. May be the saved books become worldwide success — and people do utilize the wisdom or the emotions that must be realized or felt.

Now enters the dilemma however. One, these all seem delusional fantasies as yet, as right now I am still considering the best option without actually taking a decision or action.

And majorly, I really am not sure if it my own decision to change my life or if it is brainwashing of my family or society or community or the simulated frequency I am living on. Why have I become such a consumer. I never liked wasting my time with screen time. I never used to watch TV as well. my diet used to be one meal a day.

On the contrary I have become such an active consumer of everything. May it be food, or media or life.

My very being is all about creativity. Creativity comes from emptiness with a sudden spark of an idea. Or else, it spills out when you have an over abundance of it. Either, I need to be as empty as before to channelize Akashik records into 3D world. Or else, I need to become so fucking abundant that it becomes my very state. That way I can actually give my creations way better platforms. My voice can be of value. What I say can actually mean something for someone. I have lived as a mystic for years. I can become an abundant voice for my creations to have a better life!

All I need to be sure of now is to know what is it actually that I deep in my soul desire.

And so, for now, I guess the space I am living in is delirium. That is yet another state where people live in unconsciously. Othello’s famous line ‘To be or not to be’ denotes exactly that.

Many though are merely confused between two jobs, or pieces of clothes or lovers or lives or who know. Not every one is conscious of it as well. I guess, I am just conscious of the delirium yet trying to access my sub conscious to actually help my conscious self — make the right decision.

Therefore, my room too is same like my mental state. There is one bag packed kept in a corner — ready to leave at a single whim. That’s my one foot out. While my fairy lights and everyday clothes are kept out to keep my present alive. A packed induction kept on another corner is reminding me of taking a stable decision this time. The lack of interest in de-cluttering my space each day is an exhaustion from overthinking so much.

Like I said, our spaces are a direct extension of our minds. Our external reality is a mirror image of inner reality. Therefore, not only it is essential to keep our thoughts, emotions sorted, processed and alliterated — as they directly impact our spaces, connections, relationships… but also other way round. We have to consciously choose the people, places, colors, walls, spaces that we live in.

Look around, is your space a reflection of who you are as a person?