Fixing six, Pushkar

 

September 1, 21

6 A.M.

Hey my dear 6 AM. . It's our first meet and I am happy to be stepping into our connection. Although, I'm quite sleepy for I've been awake from yesterday; but the fact that we are meeting - means a lot to me!

It's the first time that I'm here in Pushkar, Rajasthan! It's the first time that I have stepped out of my own time explorations as well.

Ideally, I should have met 11 AM in June. But we are connecting instead in September. It feels like, I have changed Yugas just by accepting this change and still deciding to connect to you dear 6 AM! And you are part of the three magic number set of 369.

So I know that together we can work magic and bring out healing  for self and the world.

May these transcendental Pushkar vibes and this spiritually aroused mind - create a Symphony with time and bring out the best of us for a powerful evolution! May we attain more wisdom and happiness. 

Would rather sleep for today. Quite sleepy! Catch you tomorrow love! ❤️

..........

Sep. 2, 2021

6 A.M.

My darling 6, it's our second meet and am feeling your power already in such high intencity.

Oh, am again sleepy for have just woken up with the help of an alarm. It becomes too difficult for me to do anything, right after getting up. Atleast we are together. 

...........

3 September, 21

Yo 6 AM. Good Morning! It's such a trippy morning. Have just woken up. Still dazed between my dream world and my now.

Let me wash my face and come back with a little more zeal for us and our time together.

Ok then! Am back! With Milkybar in my mouth and a blue skyline now visible from the windows with just-drawn curtains. I do wish for a steaming cup of coffee though.

Alright! So finally after attempting for last two days, finally that am awake enough to talk about things with you dear Six. I am in an enchanting land and it would have been really wrong to not talk about it. 

It's my season going on! Say 'Virgo season'. My birthday was on 29th August. Am a cusp of Leo and Virgo you see. Though I didn't cut any cake this time. Nor was I happy from within but this year, as I turned 30; I chose peace for myself and gave my own self importance enough to take a leap of faith in quest of peace, respect and success. It was kind of destined for so sudden was the plan and as spontaneous was I to make it true.

I entered Pushkar dot at 12 AM at night. And I am growing up day by day, getting healed hour by hour and getting updated in an ancient world.

Oh, yesterday I went for the full parikrama of Pushkar lake for the first time. It is considered very auspicious. On my birthday though, the first place I had gone to was Bhrama temple. Do you know how rare it is and how special I felt to be there in the vibe of master creator/ architect of the universe?

In this new city, very few people knew it was my birthday. So I could probably finally grow up from making it a big deal with shenanigans to simply accepting whatever life had thrown at me and gliding by it with lot of churning and integrity.

Oh, it's a nice date - 393. Huh!

Yesterday, I explored Pushkar on my own... First visiting a friend's cafe who has one of the oldest properties of Pushkar with a green verranda filled with ancient dense trees and lot of Langoors and his two dogs.

Later I got lucky to find a 'Jhulelal  Temple' by the lake. It connected me to my roots, ancestors and 'Kul devta'. It also reminded me of my childhood with its cave like architecture, so much of mirror work and maze like structure. Back in my childhood I used to go to 'Majnu ka teela' in Delhi with Momsha and Papa. This Jhulelal temple was so similar to it.  

Oh, while having Parikrama, I went to visit a tiny Shiva temple at 4:30 O' clock of my Parikrama.

I had gone there to play a little bit of Ukulele and sing for Shiva just like the other day but I got even luckier for I met a world renowned artist 'Nathulal ji' there who plays Tabla for so many popular bands all around the globe. Well, I didn't know that though. He invited me as if he knew me already and was rather waiting for me. The way he called me, I felt he must have heard me the other day and that's why was caling me. Silly me. I took him to be a fan. Lol! He was such a celeb himself. 

He even invited me to some concert happening 60 kms from here today but I denied that for am still recovering from a burnt skin on my leg and I didn't wish to take any risk. So we have decided to meet day after on the ghaat and jam together. Am really looking forward to it.

Oh, evening too was quite interesting for I went to a cafe I really wanted to visit for past two three days. I sat right upon there terrace and talked at length with its manager. It was quite a person to person conversation and I kind of linked the maturity in it. Each time I talk to a local here, their accent reminds me of my friends from here back in manali and I feel as if they talk so like my friends and that's why they all seem like friends to me.

But also, I am that's why aware of both their strengths and weaknesses. And I talk accordingly. 

Oh, am feeling great just to be able to tell you so much my darling 6. It felt so weird, waking up yet saying nothing for last two days. In my defense, I was taking medicines and I and allopathy simply don't go together. Yesterday itself that I had decided to not take any more medicine for one I realised it wasn't really meant to help my wound directly. And secondly, I don't like to be so dazed to not do what am required to do.

But I also felt that maybe that's how it was meant to begun - with a lot of sleeping and recovering - our journey together dear six. 

You, us, our situations and these moments - everything is so so spontaneous. As if some other divine energy is driving it all - hopefully for the best possibilities!

Woah! Time is running this morning. Wish I had a cup of coffee to feel even more awake. Although, it would really be very difficult to fall asleep once again. But am gonna try probably. Else I can even visit Savitri temple. Have heard, it offers a great view. And only after that an hoping to visit Gayatri temple. That's the temple am really digging for. Do you know Momsha taught me Gayatri mantra when I was a baby. I used to orate it fully by age 2.5. 

Also that I heard myself telling a friend all tales of Krishna and Mahabharata this night. Even I got amazed with my story telling abilities, how much that I remembered of it all... How much Momsha had a contribution in my knowledge... How much my own interest, the media I prefered, the stories I had grown up listening/reading to - influenced so many thoughts of mine.

Also the fact that only two days back it was Janamashtami and talking about Lord Krishna, describing his life in simply words but many emotions - right beside Shiva temple - middle of night : it felt strangely therapeutic and healing - even to my own self.

And the guy I was along with adores even abuses out of my mouth. For him, listening to religious and mythological stories and that too coming out of me was a huge feel for not only was he spending time with me but also that I was talking to him with all excitement.

(P.S. I am no such princess. But he does make me feel like that.)

This is one thing I would always be thankful for to him. He is such a boost to my self esteem although, he behaves very immaturely and dumb too and that annoys me. But I do wish for him to be better, though none has assigned a role to me to be his guide. Plus, he hardly ever listens when it comes to I nudging him towards doing something right and not choosing the ill means. But each has his/her own unique journey and am none to judge anyone or anything.

6:53

Woah! Time is crazy running today. 

I feel a little aroused today. For no reason. Maybe because of AC and my skin fitted cotton speggatie highlighting my nipples all hardened with the cold. Or maybe it's those tiny goosebumps due to this chilly morning. Or maybe it's just this basic human need to embrace a compatible vibe. Feel love. Feel home! 

6:56

Oh six. Am so glad. We are going good I guess. Yesterday was a great day. Today is a perfect morning. A cup of coffee would have been icing on cake. But what is perfect anyway.

Love you my darling six. Take a sexy warm embrace from my side this morning. And a long wet kiss all over for am simply feeling like it.

And am taking your love, this morning's freshness and a lot of excitement for a beautiful day full of great oppertunities coming my way.

Love you! 

See you tomorrow.

Mmmmmuuaw  

...........

Sept 4, 21

6 AM

Hey my love! Good morning! I have not slept a wink the entire night. And am still energetic. Give me a minute. Let me do the 6 O' clock ritual! 

Ok then! Have even undone the curtains to welcome the blues of the cloudy sky to enter in. The AC  and fan are doing their work and this room feels superb in the moment with a chilly morning making me feel as if am on mountains.

I so miss Himachal though. The greenery, the rustic life, the nature, pahaad. Oh, mountains are any day love!! That's what. That's where I aspire to have my home and stay forever. I mean I would travel around the world bit that would always be my base point. 

 Let me open up all the curtains. Morning light is always lovely.

6:09

It feels nice! Maybe I should spread fragrance in this room as well. What say? Yeah! Will simply spray it in from of AC and that should do the task! Let's!

Alright yo! The room is all aromatic now! Feels sweet!

And I can see two guys standing on their rooftop enjoying this morning! What say? Would you wanna go somewhere alongside? I had even planned to go to Savitri temple this morning and meet with you there.. but the plan got cancelled by the same guy who had planned it. Lol!

Oh, Pushkar is crazy with a unique people. Everyone is so used to foreigners taking them out for trips that they have all become confused personalities. For there are no more foreigners due to Corona visiting Pushkar. And it is Indian crowd that they have to entertain. And they just don't know how to receive them. The place itself is very conservative for locals but each has his own share of affairs with various foreigners who come and become Gods to them - just by being friendly. So they all have their wife and kids at home. And then they have so called 'girlfriends' living abroad.

And they all take pride in being 'free' though they all seem quite confused to me.

Say, I met a baba who had invited me to sing outside his Shiva temple. He said, 'Come and play with Mahadev'. I couldn't deny ofcourse and also found the vibes to be amazing. Rather it is there itself that I met a famous drumplayer 'Nathu ji'. 

Last evening, this baba suddenly asked me out to go with him to 'Alu baba', temple on his bike today. And he began, 'I turn into a baba for four months every year. Then I shave and come into jeans and T'shirt and look handsome. So many foreigner girls know me and have gone out with me. So tomorrow we can go to Alubaba. I will go thanks to you and you would go thanks to me. Don't worry. I will take you. I will smoke boom. You can join or not is upto you. But we will go tomorrow. And if you won't be in a mood then come and tell me that baba am not in a mood to go but I'll share a tea with you. And I will go, make 1 chai and then half you take, half I take.' 

I didn't know what to say. He later introduced me to his brother who owns several cafes here. I had gone there to talk about some wall painting project. The second guy was a further step ahead. The first line he told me was, 'Be an Israili for me'. Lol! As if I was performing for him. I said, 'Am a pure Indian and would be none other than who I am'.

Oh, a guy sleeping on the road forcefully showed me his Adhar card, told me that he earns his meals and had a decent job earlier. About his situations and after mentioning that I may get offended, he remarked that I shouldn't wear short clothes for then men get tempted and therefore it can be risky for me.' Immediately I found five or six guys right across the tiny side-road, standing outside their car, staring me for so long and without any shame in their eye. I taunted pointing at them yet neither they lowered their eyes nor the guy shut his mouth after expressing his opinions about my dress without even asking. Maybe his intentions were good. Who knows?

Anyway, there itself, I decided to go, sit inside that cafe. A 'well to do' looking uncle who had come outside and casually complimented me to be beautiful outside, took to his liberty to openly continuously look at me and even pass on random lines like 'rare are the eyes which look so pretty in kohul'... 'Your eyes seem filled with unexpressed emotions'.... 'Your tattoos look lovely on you.' 

Aah, he continuously gazed me, sitting not even an arm's distance and continuously passed compliments or comments. As if, I was out there on show and he had paid some ticket to look at me. 

Anyway, I handled him well. Mentioned his family first. Later commented that 'no evil eye can affect me for am protected by God'. That, 'if Shakti can be Gauri, then she can also be kaali. And if people at a holy place like Pushkar still don't understand it then they would have to face the repurcussions.'

I kept on handling him all confidently and changed his dirty looks to looks of respect - giving it time and energy instead of simply abusing him and insulting him and thence not only leaving him at the same level that he was rather also gaining negative vibe from him. No I worked on the situation and kind of felt good about it.

Oh, I again went for a Parikrama today. Got lucky to reach just on the last line of Evening Bhramma aarti and could even do a ritual or two at Bhrama-Saraswati ghat. 

6:39

Do you know, Mahatma ghandhi, Lal bahadur Shastri etc. - were all finnally given Moksha at Gau that in Pushkar? 

The entire lake is surrounded by soooo many temples where chantings keep happening at different times. I can't even imagine how holy this water must be - to be in the middle of so many prayers for so many centuries.

Oh, I saw a snake in the lake today. So I was playing my Ukulele for the fishes chilling at the corners of the water. I got so transcended that even my eyes were closed. When I opened them, I saw a snake, all relaxed right in front of my eyes - upon a bricked structure in the water.

I was really amazed. 

I was outside for most of the night as well. First by the lake. Second upon the window of a friend's room.

 

I feel so hungry now. Maybe because am about to get down. I mean just in few days! 

I wish, I had something crazy epic to have right now. Or maybe just coffee. Or maybe sleep!

Oh! I feel extremely sleepy suddenly,

Off I must sleep. Love you My dear six. Take care. 

............

 

Sept 5, 21

Yo 6 AM

Am on my way to Savitri Mata temple. It's a beautiful morning. After a long time that am able to see not just a pretty crescent moon but also shades of dawn. And Pushkar seems so so magical from this height.

I am 95% there. Still a little bit of stairs left for me to reach. But our meet up happened. So here I am. Looking at a beautiful landscape full of colors, chirping of numerous birds, with a panoptical view of entire Pushkar. 

I can step farms below on one side - filled with numerous shades of green. These are all old Aravali mounts filled with low heighted trees and shrubs. Listen to the birds. 

Far below is a serpentine road. It's such a perfect spot that I have found to meet you my love. So so beautiful. Even Pushkar lake is visible from here. Far into the centre of the city, shimmering like a beautiful mirror, surrounded by thousands of lights upon various temples surrounding it. 

Sky is filled with purple, orange and blue. And I am dressed in purple and creme. What say? Wanna visit the temple along with me??? Let's go!! 

Oho, it's still a little more to go! The stairs seem suddenly endless. But let's go!

My friend calls it - 'Stairway to heaven!'

A bitch is accompanying us as well to save is from Langoors. Although they are pretty too - jumping and chilling on various trees around.

It's a beautiful morning full of greenery after such a long time. Although my wound burns a bit with sweat. But maybe it would help it heal - after all am going for a holy purpose.

I just got clicked with that bitch. Let's give her a name. Let's call her Kumkum. 

Spectating a beautiful sunrise after eternity. It's so red right behind a mount.

We are finally on the top. Far above all the stairs, the chimpanzees, the sweat! We made it. And it is so worth it. The entire Pushkar is visible from here. Numerous mounts, city, fields, forest, clouds and the best part - this beautiful sunrise - happening right in front of our eyes!

I just made a live video of the place and moment. Would share the link here. 

What say?? Wanna check out the other side of the temple? Have heard it's magical. Let's go!

And here we are. It's such a magical place. So so green. So so ecstatic. Dream like. Windy. Beautiful. So gigantic. So wide and vivid. So so worth it. 

Oh my love, you are so so lucky and magical for me. And this moment makes all my recent agony fade away. Right here - this moment. So full of beauty, peace, chirping, these unique birds, the endless curves of the mounts. Oh my love, you are so lucky for me.

Am at a point of transformation in my life. A point where I have to become successful for its high time and I deserve it. And this view right here is a livid proof of it. 

I wish even the distortions were not here. But they be the supporting stones. 

It's beautiful - this morning. And my eyes and soul are both overwhelmed. 

I wish to meditate upon these nature sounds. It's so meditative this place. My annoying friend though wants to play his stupid music even here. All kinds of people. Huh! I wish to get independent as soon as possible. Don't know why I prefer only my own company or such selective energies each passing year. 

In my now, here we are together love! With birds, greens, morning Sun, clouds... On the edge of a a cliff. 

Such a wonderful moment. Loads of love for you. 

Leaving you with this bliss for now! 

Mmmuaaah

........

Sept 6, 21

6 AM

 Yo my dear 6. Good morning!! Although, am extremely sleepy right now but hey, I did get up to ensure us.

...........

Sep 7

Hey 6 Am! In a single day there have been immense changes in my life. Not only that I shifted to a new place but also got locked out for I was chilling with new people outside and that's why here I am at a friend's place - relaxed and totally awake - in my now - all happy and at peace.

Best moment of the day was the two hours I spent learning Nagada and jamming. Even this chilling is pretty cool for I had all sorts of conversations all over. There was one common element an old connection - but new friend. Am still knowing him. In the process. But alongside we attracted all kinds of people. First, an art director and comedian... Then a philosopher with a happy soul and smart local spirit. Then an energy full of energetic words and eager exchange of conversation. 

Also that I made a huge wall art just in this night. Oh, from evening that the day and night went crazy spontaneous and uniquely vibed.

I am quite tranced in the moment. Can hear the morning birds and mild music from outside.

And all of sudden, there is light outside. I have just entered my room at my friend's place though.  I could have gone back to my own room which offers a spectacular view and is new and mine... But if cosmos so designed it for me to be here then who am I to challenge it?

I have my lapi though in my room and I don't know why I get over protective for it.

To imagine, till last evening, I was so tensed to figure out a stay for me. But I had surrendered myself to cosmos and decided to simply live the moment. I did put in efforts by voicing out what I really needed and there .... By morning I had multiple options to stay, then multiple options to chill with. Got gifted with a relaxed mind, a full power jamming session and literally two people willing to spend the evening alongside - both genuine ones. And here I am, with a room somewhere belonging to me, a new close connection a step ahead in discovery, a good vibed place with a gifted stay... And I in a totally free and relaxed state.

6:12

And it has only been 12 minutes that we've met. 

The entire night passed in a whoosh and I didn't even realise it. Though I totally lived every moment to its fullest I feel. The first meet up with as much eagerness to open up and speak, as I could be.

A mild breeze is getting ventilated across the room. Am a bit sleepy but also am awake enough to listen to the morning chirpings.

Oh, I got down last evening. Right on the day of New Moon.

Oh, I just got aware of this tapestry hanging upon the wall beside - with a girl meditating with her chakra energy in rise.

I'm excited to check out my painting in better light though. I used such mild lights that I didn't even know which colors was I using. So for me as well, it would equally be a surprise.

I can feel the gripping of sleep now. For am on bed all tired after such a long day. Even the bed in my own room was super comfy and so so soft. But here, it's more about this sleepiness and the availability.

But I guess, I'm gonna go back and only then pass out. 

Sorry about yesterday. I couldn't stay awake enough! Atleast my marked my present! Lol!

Oh, why I left my previous room? Because the emotional energy was getting too much for me to handle.

All of sudden am sleepy! Why does it happen only at the time of our meet love? I feel a bit hungry as well right now. Also, since I got down today, it would have been best to go back to my room, take a bath and pass out comfortably. 

But yeah! It would take efforts? What say??? Wanna come along? Let's go!

But, what it, the gate is still closed? Isn't it too early for a palce to open up? I don't know what I should do. Also that I just saw an incense stick and am now tempted to light it and feel the vibe of this place. Wait! Let me wash my face first.

Alright! I feel way better. Let's go out atleast!

It's morning time. Why stay inside a room?

Alright! Am in a beautiful cafe area now with fan switched on. Am still feeling like going back to my room. But am not sure if it would be open. Plus, I won't be able to walk and write at the same time. It's around a ten minute walk I guess. And there would ofcourse be tomorrow to live that place and share it along with you. 

6:30

So let's chill here for today love. And after our meet, I'll return back to my room.

Oh, a guy just came asked me for coffee. Wow! We'll be having our first freshly made coffee together dear Six. 

Crazy know!

I've been feeling way better every since I left my last stay and decided to further take everything on my own.

There is one more new friend though expecting to meet me today. Who knows what next moment has in store? 

I am jist happy to finally come to my present. To finally get healed. To finally decide to work and get a job in Bangalore. To finally conquering BTs and mind's chatter. To finally value myself enough to attract right kind of vibes. 

I am happy to be chilling and be here in my now. 

My eyes though are a bit droopy by now. But coffee is an upcoming excitement. 

Oh, that friend I was bothered by - finally may have left Pushkar for fee days so I feel even more free. 

Do you wanna check out the painting? (I'll get clicked post out meet though)

See!! 

I have a green varranda in front of me. A loving dog called 'Popcorn'. A cat called 'Gabbar'. Very humble souls around. And walls in white color filled with colorful paintings all around.

The sky turned all purple in front of me - getting filtered though leaves. And here it is full lit! 

The centre of the house has a Shiva temple. 

My evening was seriously epic dear Six. The Nagada practice seems like making love to me. Ofcourse so much of energy goes into it but also the synergy and synchronisation required to match the beats and stay focussed to the basic rhythm. Oh, it's so meditative and literally parallel to making love energetically. Also the fact that am getting so so better at singing. Each day, am exploring new ranges of my 'My voice'. There's a subtle classical tone coming to my music and I also love what I hear coming out of me.

On a wall here, there's a note - 'BE HAPPY... For this moment - this moment is your life'. 

I wish I get the coffee sooner so that I be able to share it with you.

Last evening was way different from rest of all evenings so far in Pushkar. 

I didn't do any usual stuff. And yet, it all went full power. I'm really happy about leaving my cluch and making an empower d move!

And here comes the coffee. . <3 

Out first shared coffee love! And it is epic. Seriously exactly how I like it. And this early. And in such beautiful ambience. 

I feel glad to be in so much of peace and in such serene vibes.

I am becoming better at all my arts. Pushkar may not have as much of greenery but it has music, art and culture and it totally knows how to earn from it. Maybe that's why my destiny brought me here.

Just learning Nagada is a beautiful way of meditation. I get so much into that moment and feel this addrenile rush to learn it and be able to do it. As if music is coming on its own to me. My deepmost desire - to be a successful musician. And it is happening - slowly but surely. And suddenly it has picked up a crazy pace so naturally. 

My attention got diverted to a beautiful painting beside. People can get into so much of detailing and so intricately.  

Coffee is superb. Each sip is a pleasure. Also it always feels great to create something. May it be a song or a poem or a painting.

I can feel the Sun beyond these trees somewhere. For the mild gold has made its appearance on patches of buildings visible behind these trees.

And here I am, a chatterbox today for you. I love you dear Six. Can't be more thankful for the way you are healing me each day and showing so many new avenues. 

Better self esteem. Empowered state of mind. Will to do something is back in my life. Drive to also earn is again prominent inside. 

Oh! Thank you my love. You are magical. Thank you for the beautiful surprises you have been showering me with. Thank you for so much of abundance. For so much of green in a desert state and manosthiti. 

I love you. See you tomorrow. 

Mmmmmuuuah! 

..........

September 8, 21

Hey my love, my darling 6 AM. You are helping me heal. I don't know how but I know you are a revolutionary change in my life.

Good morning from my room here in Pushkar.

Dawn is happening right beside for an entire wall is full of windows - showing me Pushkar lake below, Savitri temple upon Ratnagiri mount right across; the entire line of temples upon the periphery of the lake and here I am lying upon a super soft bed with white bedsheets and maroon quilt. The entire theme of the room is black and white. Just the way I like it. Even the curtains have the same theme. And washroom has my favorite light in it - mild yellow in color.

Right outside are white birds flying all around. Also a few people have already been taking bath in the lake from 5 AM.

This reminds me of my connection to 5 AM and my love for it. That's where my love sessions with time had begun. And those were indeed the best days of my life. 

Am hoping to find a job in Bangalore once again, for I so love the city. 'Work from home' would be amazing but I won't mind even shifting to Bangalore and living there for I so love the city. Although, now I don't know how the vibes are or how are the Corona conditions over there.

Oh, am having pain in my throat, runny nose from last night. I don't know why and how? Just, I feel sick and you have to help me heal. I don't want to remain sick at all. Specially now when it's the time of action and manifestation. When I have to give my life a brand new push to the desired outcome. Where though I have surrendered and have total faith, but I also want to be healthy while receiving the gifts!

I so need a hot cup of adrak chai or coffee today. For my throat and my soul. I even checked the cafe upstairs just before our meet. But it was closed. There's a shop just downstairs which is open... But for that I would have to go down. And people in this guest house shut the main gate at night from inside. So it would take efforts. That's why I postponed it. Oh, we can go upstairs on the rooftop area in a while. I really love that place. It's open air, with a huge sofa, a table , few Langoors around and a spectacular view of lake, mounts, sky and neighbouring houses.

Coming to this room made me feel so so better. I suddenly realised - that's what I needed. My own space! And this is so so perfect.

Thank you cosmos and my dear six for understanding my need and fulfilling it. The last room had comfort and special service but the vibes were not good and I felt suffocated there. 

This one - this is oh so perfect in every sphere. Though the AC doesn't work and it's quite hot here in Pushkar... But I keep the windows open. I even have a tiny portico right outside. It offers the entire lake's view. 

It's so open and ventilated that I feel only lucky and deserving to have it.

Someone has smartly used mirrors all over the property - to give it an appearance of being bigger than what it is. I love the use of many large mirrors.

Oh, they have even made the boundary between washroom and lobby of my room of glass - which again makes it look as a huge space. Though had I been sharing the room with someone, then it would have been an issue. But am solo yo! So I don't even slide the glass door while taking a bath. And live everywhere around as I like it. It's been only a day and am speaking as if it's a practice. But honestly, I really loved this room. And more than that, am happy to leave all my past situations and reach here. There are still so many things to be sorted... But this one thing means a lot to me - my own space.

I so so want to buy my own home somewhere on hills or a beach - as soon as possible. It would be self owned and it would be just the way I like it. I just know it.

It's Chi's birthday today. May he stay happy and get evolved in life.

I'll record a video of this room later and share it with you.

I don't think I should go upstairs today. I really have caught a bad cough somehow. My nose is just not stopping. Lol!

Heal it cosmos. Fix it Six.

Oh, I borrowed a book from the cafe upstairs last night. It's called 'To be someone' - by 'Louise Voss'. Yet to dive into it. After a long time that I would be reading something.

I had written a poem last to last evening. Would love to share it with you here...

'Life feels good all of a sudden

Everything seems sorted

Just with one decision.

As if I am unburdened of an intense energy. 

And I feel free. 

An instant relief -

Lasting one!

I don't know how everything will work out

But it will - 

Of that am sure. 

And the stars right above

Twinkle in support.

The energy buzzes in my palms

The music resounds all around.

Something feels right all of a sudden.

And this faith in cosmos

Get even more solidifies

As I surrender myself

To the cosmos and my destiny.

Life feels good!'

Oh, I got late for my Nagada practice last evening. Today I'll be on time. I just hope to feel better by evening. Maybe I caught cold because of the beers I had last to last night. Or maybe I caught it from someone for people all around are suffering with viral - is what I had heard. 

But I'll get healed extremely quickly - of that am sure! For that's how it has always been. Maybe it's happening for a reason. To help me get rid of all the unnecessary cough I was carrying for so long. 

It's at times like this though that a person misses anyone's presence nearby. Like someone could have gone out and fetched some hot tea or coffee for me, had there been someone right now along with me. But the cost is simply way too much for me. I much prefer my peace and independence. 

6:36

Wanna go upstairs though?? Let's! Even if for five minutes. And I'll capture as well alongside.

Or we can do that tomorrow as well when I'll be better. So tomorrow it is. Lol!

One day at a time! Right?

Ek to, am down. And I do understand it is so crucial for women. Aah! But the fact that I can't go to Gayatri temple because of it. Or I can't go and even dip my feet in the lake. Or that I felt literally weird about doing a Parikrama today for all around are just temples. Although I did it at night when all the temples were closed. Yet, it's just impossible to not be in any temple when am in Pushkar. 

Earlier I would have rather challenged it. But now, I understand that it is for my own safety - to not pull any negative energy towards me.

My nose is simply choked today. It's getting difficult to even breath through it. I have kept Kapoor alongside to keep smelling it again and again. Also I took turmeric hot water last night. 

So I should heal well and soon.

The entire night was I trying to sleep and simply unable to. Now at the time of our meet that am suddenly feeling so sleepy! Lol! Why like this Six??

It feels like a strange rush this time. This leaving my home behind and seek a new state of mind. This wishing to be as independent as to live all together under my own roof with my own earned expense.

Oh, make me feel so so so lucky dear Six that I totally understand why anything happened - in whichever time's stand.

The morning bells of the temple are ringing below. As if blessing me with immense abundance.

My music too is getting better and better day by day. I give it priority and give my self to it.

Now I'll be arranging for a hot cup of ginger tea. I know I'll get it. 

And will be recording the video in the time we are left with.

Loads of love dear Six! Stay hit!

Thank you for all your healing and care! Thank you for helping me she'd my earlier layers and become the Diva that I am.

 Thank you for bringing so many good changes in me - inside out! Thank you for boosting my self esteem and still helping me stay grounded.

My morning session with you and evening session with music - happen both at Six. And I am really really Thankful for it. Sky has gained yellow amidst light blue and pink. Sun is out probably or so it seems.

Avuiar my love! Let's meet tomorrow. 

Mmmmuuuuaaahhhh

...........

Sep. 9, 21

Hey my love! My dear 6 AM... GOOD MORNING YO!

WAit! Give me a minute. Let me wake up and fix a coffee to be able to talk to you fully and properly.

6:16

O.k then! Am back yo! All set to be with you! And finally we have coffee alongside when we need and want it. I bought the coffee powder last evening. And used tap water (hot) - to have a black coffee atleast. But the water is still not that hot as yet. The more one uses it, the hotter it comes. But I didn't want to waste more than a bucket full of water to be able to get one hot glass of it. I'm in Rajasthan bro! People struggle to get fresh drinking water somewhere around. So we do have coffee, but luke warm one. 

There are monkeys all around - jumping and hopping from one rooftop of Pushkar to another. 

It's a pretty morning! 

Oh, I was sick last entire day with an extremely runny nose. 

I don't know what happened all of sudden. Maybe I caught some allergy or maybe I got infected by someone. But ya, I felt super dead with a tap like nose - excessively flowing all the time. I haven't had that bad cold for years. I don't understand how my body was saving as much of cough inside that it is just not getting over. 

And with a choked nose, it gets so difficult to breath. I was making silly orgasmic sounds throughout day without any efforts and you won't believe, I was turned on... Just because I was unable to breath properly. Lol!

We would have gone to the rooftop area this morning but I don't have much strength or mood for it. And this room has already become my love! It is exactly how I would love my home to be! 

The black and white themed room with so many windows, glass doors and so so much of ventilation. I was so craving for my peace and my own place. Here I am. Already in the process. I may not own this place but it totally feels mine - this room. 

Oh haan... Happy Ganesh Chaturthi! I have a special connection to Lord Ganesha for both Gonzalo and Pompom made me feel that energy with their presence. So yeah! Today is therefore special. Also, it's 9/9 portal today. Such a powerful date know. 9 is the most powerful number. And we are anyway meeting in 9th month so it must mean all the more to us! 

Wanna have some cookies? Lol! I mean biscuits. Why not? We have it! Let's dig it. 

I couldn't even go for my Nagada practice last evening. I didn't want anybody else to catch cold from me. Also, it would have been literally impossible to play drums with that runny a nose. Usually a single chord progression goes on to an average of 5-6 minutes. I am unable to breath easily for that long without able to relieve myself of cough.

I'm hoping to get healed properly and fully by today. Even too tablets of 'Avil' for usually I get way better in a single tablet if it is  allergic. I should have probably taken Citragin. The thing is, I always avoid Allopathic medicines. Those are the last resorts for me, for they don't suit me. But I didn't wish to fall sick here while traveling. Plus, I didn't want to leave my Nagada practice. But it had to happen, so it happened. Maybe there is a reason for it. There's always a reason for everything - right? 

I'd met a group of guys from Ajmer here. There was one for whom meaning of life is that it is. And that there was is no real reason behind anything that happens in the world..I'd quite an active discussion with him. He was a non believer of anything. I was a believer of so many things. I did give him many theories of Karma, energy, rebirths etc... But he was quite opinionated about them all being mere theories. I didn't argue. Simply heard his side and respected it. Though many a times his words come back to me in various conversations or contemplations. 

6:39

Magic number. Give me a min.

Am back yo! Had gone for my 369 manifestations! 

It's a pleasent morning. I have such epic sleeps here in this room that whenever I sleep, I forget that I exist and go to some other world. 

6:42

Morning bells or rather bells thrpughout the day - right below keep my mind aware and pure! 

 whenever am awake. 

6:46 

My burnt skin has almost got repaired. The new layer is gradually gaining normal shade. It's turning from bright pink to skin color like a chick or a baby. Lol! I too am feeling as if it's a rebirth for me. 

Oh, I got a call from a company in Gurgaon for a video production job. But I told them I don't want to commute all the way till Gurgaon and if they can mange with me working remotely, I'll be up for the job. 

6:49

I do need loads of money. A stable income source and decent platforms for all my arts. Now is the time! Time to move on to the next step in my life! 

Oh, I wrote a poem last evening! Wanna read? 

'

Sitting under numerous stars

Watching the angelic white birds 

Flying all over above

As if the stars are dancing 

Amidst cotton clouds

And the spectator of it all is I

Sitting below upon a cushiony sofa

Watching the flow of wind upon the lake right below

The silhouettes of the ancient most mounts right across

And numerous ancient architectures stand tall around

Providing strength 

Making me time travel 

To past, present, future - all

And I do nothing but vibrate at my own frequency

With purity inside, I simply be a part of it

The larger pictures welcomes me in

I be a piece in my own painting.'

6:52

I've been asking everyone who has ever been to Pushkar and finds it magical - 'What is it that they love the most about this city?' They all were unable to mention a single reason but they all loved it! Same is the case for me. Initially I found it way chaotic. Had I had an option to go anywhere, I would have taken a cab or a flight to go there. 

But one because of Nagada practice that I totally love; two, the magical evening this city has and three, this room, that I've fallen in love with; that for now, I too am loving it. The vibes are way ancient. This is literally one of the ancient most cities of India. And even the Aravali range all around is extremely ancient. 

I always get transcended to some other time at historical places!

6:58 

Wanna stay and keep talking today my love? We can! Or should be meet again tomorrow? 

Let's just take a rain check! 

Love you a lot! 

Mmmuuuuaaah 

Keep healing. See you tomorrow. 

...........

Sep 10,21

Yo! Good morning 6 AM. I'm semi dazed with medicine tongiht and this night long craving to sleep and then a tually feeling sleepy only half an before.

Oh, I have coffee and Malpuyw also along with me. What say? Would you want some? That will help us keep the sleep away.

Alright! Atleast, let get up from bed.

The room has weird vibes today. Like middle of night I saw two lizards - both of them humongous and I couldn't help but be afraid of the possibility of them falling down. And they are crazy flexible, can even jump. Right now, it's bang on the wall beside the bed. I don't know what's its problem? Why can't it stay at one place? And they even can raise half their body mid-air! Creepy!

I have a malpuya with me! Let's eat it. I had been saving it just for our meet. But first, let me make some coffee. 

Yesterday I convinced myself with the fact that lizards eat mosquitos and that one of them was here for my benefit instead. But today I saw two and then one even ran beside the mirror so it seemed as if they were all over. Anyway! We'll go on rooftop area this morning. That's my favorite area in the entire Pushkar.

Let's have a malpuya and coffee first though. Am not hungry but it would be great to have something sweet along with you. 

Off! Maalpuya is super yummy. One bite and I forgot all my worries.

Oh, I finished it all in one go. Maalpuye are literally the life of Pushkar. I finished it all in one go.

It's drizzling outside, so rooftop plan has to be cancelled for there is no shade there. So let's enjoy this blue morning in the room itself with coffee and fresh breeze. 

Oh, I feel much better in terms of my health. Last entire day I stay put in the room and it rained then Sun came again and again - the entire day!!

Middle of the day, I saw two foreigner girls swimming in the micro part of the lake with a great rain pouring from sky. I wished I knew swimming to have gone as confidently middle of the lake and enjoyed Jal as they were - like mermaids. 

I though was reading a beautiful but a bit sad (till then) novel called 'To be Someone' and also played Ukulele right when the rain got super great for a place like Rajasthan and those I noticed those girls chilling right below. I am really lucky to be blessed with a spectacular view. It seems like one of the best places to live in - here in Pushkar.  

By evening I got strength enough to for Nagada practice. Even did the Parikrama for it was Ganesh Chaturthi. Jammed all over with numerous people, gained 4-5 new insta and YouTube followers. Late evening created a Bhajan spontaneously on Ganesh on being asked to do so by a producer. Had decent dinner and read the book night long. 

Maybe because of the anti allergic medicine that am taking these days that I got a bit paranoid to sleep every time I felt sleepy. Or maybe because I simply didn't want to. Yet each time that I was about to drift off to sleep, I either heard different voices in my head and that scared me. I simply was a bit scared last night to sleep alone. All though this room is so beautiful, had the pious Pushkar lake right across and I am safe at night for they close the main gate from inside. 

I just can't not see this lizard moving all over the room with that speed. She is bang above th bed upon the wall l, not even a feet from the pillow and am not a bit furious with its audacity to claim the place allthough it belongs to it much more than me for it is born here. 

Yet, why can't it leave me in peace and leave me alone? What is getting roaming all around the room?

The world all around is waking up! I can hear sounds of people, the pitter patter of rain, few bells, someone singing which seems so closeby, few even shouting across talking in everyday language! 

Just yesterday I got so happy to have slept at night and getting the entire day to myself which was just not getting over till evening. Day serious gets incredibly long if you wake up by six. 

6:36

Lol! Reminds me of a hindi quote 'chatees ka ankda' that a guy shifted my attention to the other day stating that both 3 and 6 face in opposite directions and that's why this idiom is used. 

I have got a prick below my foot and it's paining. Ever since I have come to Pushkar, I have been taking so many medicines or suffering with one thing or other each passing day. I don't know why am still staying. Maybe for music, maybe for I have no other palce to go to or maybe my destiny has brought mr here and it is leading me to the next major step in my life. For I can feel the oppertunities knocking my door. Even my social profiles are improving. I have been the most consistent in terms of content...the vibes are ancient and really powerful. Maybe I have some connection to this place... Maybe I am completing my Pan I dia trip which had got halted in between due to my accident. After all both Gujarat and Rajasthan were in my list and I was unable to reach there at that time.

Alright, the lizard has finally and thankfully shifted to the washroom to my relief. 

I have been craving to take a dip in Pushkar lake for so many days though. Earlier I had a burnt leg. Then I got cold. Now it's raining and a guy who always comes uninvited and floods me with random info. - told me yesterday that one should not take bath in it when it rains for along with rainwater flow many curses. And only otherwise that the water is safe for a bath. That guy the first time had stopped me to offer me company for parikrama at 11:30 at night; and had ensured me that he has lot of foreigner friends with a self attached compliment 'hum peene khane wale log hain', as if that would have impressed me. 

Oh, I wanted our meet to be beautiful and here I am taking about everything but beauty.

Even if, it's seriously a beautiful morning - all blue in color. But it's too early to be filled with so many people downstairs. Maybe they all celebrate Ganesh chaturthi today. Who knows?

Oh, there was a ramayan paath going on yesterday on a nearby ghat. And due to my old connection to it, I tried to listen to it for as long as I could and it surely provided me peace. A few dogs interrupted my focus though for they kept on barking upon a pet dog. That's the way with street dogs know. They can't handle pet ones. But they were barking even upon other street dogs. I could never understand the reason behind it? Why do they get possesive about an area they don't even own. Maybe in their perspective they do. Just like humans believe - they do.

Oh, a female monkey along with her kid slept last night in my portico. I was part happy, part scared and part curious. Langoors are pretty huge btw. And they sleep while sitting upon some edge on a height as if playing 'statue'.

I also got reminded of 'vaanar sena' for only last night that I had heard a part of Ramayana.

Time simply whooshes every day that I meet you. I don't even realise how an entire hour passes off and by the time I come totally into our moment the time seems to be get over. Maybe that's what happens with life itself! By the time a person softens up, understands what really matters or gets some vague explanation of life; the life has already taken its course and the man simply surrenders. 

Maybe that's what we all have to learn - to surrender!

But why and to whom?

I too have many philosophies and random explanations that keep evolving with time... Yet it amazes me how everyone has entirely different perspectives to the same basic existential questions I have..and how these questions simply never trouble many of them at any point of time.

Many simply define life as 'it is' and don't even try to get into the depths of finding its meaning or ever look for any answers.

They simply accept it, do what needs to be done and live unbothered - totally content with their everyday life.

Well, different levels of energy! And all of them (frequencies of levels) are essential. 

Alright my love! Will take out that prick from my foot now. 

Loads of love and light to you!!!

Mmmmuuuuaaah

...........

Sep 11

Hey my love, my darling 6 AM

Good morning!

It's a beautiful one! Really. Full of rain, night long love and a happy one! 

Rain pored the entire night and every time I was about to pass out, either the rain began or love resumed or both. I am smiling to be able to have such subtle but meaningful connection. I feel humbled to be able to flow so naturally in it and that too without using any mind. Just with my heart and that too not excessively. Just the right amount to connect to a human being at the purest level.

Oh and last night, I went to Old Ganesh temple along with him. The way was off-road for a little more than normal stretch but it became worth it for the vibes it offered. 

Alright! How about a coffee? Would you like to have some?

6:08

Am back with a coffee. It's still raining. The morning is gaining shades of blue. Unlike last morning, rare people can be hear downstairs. Just the sound of water flowing, a few bells, and after traces of listening to the heart beat of other. How beautiful is life and its sound.

Today, I don't have maalpuya for breakfast. I do have bananas though. A lot many of them. I got them all last night from the temple. 

I don't know how I got so comfortable with him. He is so unlike my usual types. But I hardly have any type. Kind of people I like keep changing with my own growth and life. He though is pretty different from any or most of them. Still getting to know him. And one thing, we are not even that good friends as yet. And yet getting so close with someone is a unique experience to me. As if am getting to know him at all levels simultaneously. Or maybe, we both are living the moment with love and peace! One can never know about these things. He says, he has got very emotional. I say, I have lost most of my emotions. Yet both claim to be excessively emotional sometimes and totally neutral oftentimes. 

He looks sweet while sleeping though. Just last night, I was secretly hoping for him to magically come over and give me a surprise. There was no agenda there. I just suddenly got this thought and did ponder upon it. And here he is this morning right alongside. Honestly, I had not even thought about getting this close with him. But yeah! May be it was meant to be! For the entire evening turned out otherwise. And the entire night became a beautiful surprise. 

As if it was all destined! 

Do you know the door of my washroom is transparent! I had to take a bath last night and it was the first time I was sharing this room with someone else. I got a bit uncomfortable first, then told him to not see. Then trusted him and went to take a bath.

I learned this freedom from Rajasthani women taking a bath downstairs in Pushkar lake. Despite of their conservative life or culture; they were so so free while taking a bath. People from even other countries were bathing with their clothes on. But they leisurely took a bath, then changed openly outside - totally not concious of any male presence around. Honestly they were all aunties. And not like they were bathing in any secluded area. Just looking at their free self made me feel so free. Maybe they were the real nomads - come over here for their religious beliefs. Yet to find them so free was quite an illumination and inspiration for me.

Am craving for something sweet now. I do have biscuits. We can dip and eat them. Oh, the morning is pretty. Imagine wet yellow color of the buildings and light blue fused with grey of the sky. The lake is still dark green with silver droplets falling endlessly all over. As if the sky is making love to the earth and water. 

Oh, I feel so aroused. Yet am hard bent on not getting entirely into it and give it time! I don't know why!!! Another side of me is yelling to seize the moment. Live it fully. Yet it's my inner voice - to take things a bit slowly. Not like I have any expectations or conditions. I too am exploring. For the experience rolled into my life so smoothly and naturally, without any mind's chatter. With no efforts put from either sides. Just like that. And so so comfortable. 

Plus these temple bells and this weather. Oh, they are just complimenting both the spiritual and romantic side of it. As if it's passionate and pure at the same time. Allthough my last experience with him was totally otherwise.

Another fact, I don't feel scared when I sit behind him upon the bike. Years of road phobia is getting whooshed away along with him somehow. He seems so strong inside out and that's what I like about him. His self esteem, confidence, pampered way of being and claiming any place or energy as if he owns it. And it is all in the right amount. Not excessive. With no pride. I mean last time there was excess of it. But this night, oh, it was just right! 

Still, a long way to go! Or who knows!! Like I said, no mind used. No heart dwelled. Just living the moment with whatever comes from inside. 

6:31 

Alright! Cookies!! Lol! 

I haven't applied any oil upon my wound from last afternoon. Just not feeling like it. 

Oh, the Ganesh chaturthi was actually yesterday. And I lived day before celebrating it. That's what I was wondering - why at such a religious place - none was giving it much value. And that's why last entire morning till afternoon, the lake was so full of people and noise. 

Although I slept the entire day but from the moment I went downstairs, I was kind of in that vibe. 

Also, for Nagada practice, my favourite teacher was finally there last evening. I love our energy connection. And I played the longest so far along with him.  But there were others too to learn so I couldn't learn anything new. Maybe to always 'respect the basics' for I did lose my flow couple of times. I wanted it to be different and a step ahead but I was given no privelege but had to practice the beginner beats and that's what taught me a great deal in my life if not instrument.

My lady part hurts for I was sitting upon a bike after that long for that long and it was so much of off-roading and I had to be upon my own weight and the bike was heavy. Consider a horse ride. As a pillion, the maximum I have rode in wasa KTM. But now KTMs scare me. This one I could trust for the bike and the guy riding it were both heavy and strong. And his driving was smooth like his mind. 

He does has his flip side though - that I could make out from the conversations we had last time. And I don't support violence yet I do respect anyone who has the strength to stand against anything incorrect or unjust. 

Oh, we even chilled in the portico last night. I had envisioned myself doing it the first time I had stepped inside this room. Yet finally did it last night. And I didn't mind the dirty floor. Nor was I scared of the monkeys for he was alongside. He took care of my cleanliness freak mind - by changing into a pajama. And I liked it. 

Oh, am almost halfway on that book that I was reading. Maybe from there have I gained this strength to even be more vocal and honest in my blogs. Even changes in my language and use of words must be noticeable. Or I don't know. Yet reading after a long time is surely a welcome change. I was big time into books for so many years. But by college, it had become so much that I suddenly decided to drop it and live life live. But it feels great to read after such a long time. And I don't need any one for that. Books don't make noise. They offer you another world with such a subtle yet powerful presence. 

And one can live another mind, life, time, culture - just with a few hundred pages. 

My dream of getting my novel published from Penguin has to come true. And it will! One day I'll be a very known writer - respected, loved and known for my contribution in literature. 

I feel a bit tired by now. Maybe I should sleep. Let's see how the morning goes. 

Biscuits taste delicious. I had not had dinner as well. I am eating quite less for past few days. I just don't feel hungry or often can't decide what to eat. Also I still have to figure out my mode of earning - the next big move. It will come to me - magically -the opportunity - of that am sure. There is a reason that an here in Pushkar. Only cosmos knows it. But one thing am sure of 'To be someone' is the main theme of this journey. And it will be successful. For, Now is the time. Or where soon it will be. 

Oh, Old Ganesha temple comes after Alu Baba temple. Alu baba is a guy who has eaten nothing but potato for past many years. He eats only alu and smokes chillums and prays to Lord Shiva. People from all over the world go visit him. There was another Shiva temple nearby. The road was quite spectacular with beautiful ancient mounts covered with greens on either sides. We had gone at night but I can only imagine how beautiful it must be during day time or early morning or towards sunset. 

Mornings I spend with you and evening with music. But yeah, we can go visit any new place - together; that I came to know from our Savitri temple visit. 

Do you know Pushkar lake is one of the two eyes of earth? And that when Bhramma created the world, it was from Savitri temple Mount as the centre? 

Sky is pouring all its love for past three days. And I haven't had a single bath in the rain here in Pushkar as yet. Very soon, I will. 

There were bananas kept on the window sill. A monkey just came and tried grabbing it but there was a net in between. Oh, I had thought of sharing them with them. But am also scared of them a bit. But it's a baby monkey. I will just keep one outside for him to come take it. 

Alright love! Off I go! 

Loads of love. And thank you for such a love filled moment. 

Mmmuaaah 

P.S. I did Bhramma poojan and Pushkar lake Poojan with some Bhraman last evening. Since it was Ganesh Chaturthi, I was all the more into it. It felt great. Specially because he made me offer lake's water to my ancestors and all Gods and all the family members. 

It just felt good and peaceful! 

Love you! 

See you tomorrow. 

Hugs and kisses! 

.........

Sep 12, 21

Hey my love, my darling 6 AM... Good . I passed out last night so sloshed and am still feeling sleepy. Ok, give me few minutes. Let me wash my face and make a ni e mug of coffee to be fully awake.

Ok then! Am back. And it's 6:18. Outside it's all blue - lake, sky, the overall color. It's drizzling. It's been raining for past few days now. I had got so excited the first time I had seen rain over here. I thought it to be lucky as if the rain had come specially for me in a desert state like Rajasthan. But one, it does rain and quite generously over here; and two, it's not as much of a desert as I had assumed it to be. Yeah, there are few cities which get extremely hot and cold as per the season but elsewhere, greenery is there and water too doesn't lack. 

I feel a bit sick though. Maybe going out with an absolute stranger and getting sloshed wasn't as good an idea. I don't know why I do, what I do. Just no company is able to satisfy me. Most of the times, I enjoy a new presence beside till a bit, but right after a few minutes I feel like getting vanished. I find most of the people boring and am simply becoming more and more loner mentally. However, since I go down for such limited time and rest of the time I be anyway with me, I do give each new person a shot - always looking for the reason - 'why is he here in my life? What is he here to teach?'

I don't know why am unable to get rid of my cough or I even caught it so much so and in this much of amount. I do wanna get rid of anything toxic inside me but now it's been so long and am tired of it. Its making me week as well from with in. 

I had dropped two entire biscuits in my coffee and they have made the entire black coffee to be soggy and so I left it. 

Every day I think of taking a holy bath in Pushkar lake but don't do it. Earlier I had burnt skin. Then I caught cough. Plus it has been raining and the drainage of entire city happens in the lake itself so it's full of City rubbish as well these days. Although rest of the days, people ensure that it's clean and rather since so many pray around it, it's usually full of flowers but not these days. Also, it scares me a bit for its quite deep is what I've heard and I don't know swimming.

The weather is quite damp this morning. If am increasing the speed of the fan then I feel cold but if I let it be then I feel humid. And my inner state is also not as comfortable. I shouldn't have gone for that dinner outing last night. Seriously! 

6:39

Oh, I missed all my 369 rituals last night. I simply passed out af and only woke up when it was time for us to meet. If I fail to give myself time then I miss myself. It has been two days sharing my time with others and now it has to be either 'Me time' or some real good free time.

Oh, would you like a banana? Let's! Maybe it helps me feel good about my stomach. 

The room feels as if the AC is turned on. It's quite cold, equally humid. 

It's been 12 days that I've spoken to momsha. Maybe it's the longest in a long time. In my childhood though there used to be even longer gap and after a point she only used to somehow approach me with a peace offer. But for past many years, I have been better when upset with her. This time though is different. 

6:47

There are Langoors jumping all around outside. Ever since I had left bananas for them in my portico, they now even sleep here at night - leisurely - in the portico area itself. 

6:50

Oh, that guy I had gone out with last evening. Why I connected with him was because he was into reading. And he clicked some real great pictures of mine. So I appreciated his photography skills and assumed his intellect. Not like he mistreated me in any way. Just the aftertaste of the meet wasn't as great and I was a bit concious most of the time. Even in a city so far away from home, where nobody knows me; ever here, I dislike the idea of anyone linking me up with anybody. I just don't like it when anybody asks me about any other person, assuming him to be my partner or so! May it be an old friend or new one.

6:54

I can hear people downstairs telling the monkeys to 'buzz off'! Although they are being chased off but I'm feeling bad for them.

6:55

Maybe today onwards, I'll not entertain anybody beyond fee words or a certain place. Like, I won't let them join me for parikrama or won't continue the time onwards. For, I just get into this discovery mode and only later realise that I wasted my time. 

What do you have to teach me Pushkar? What am I here to learn? 

Alright my love! Will take your leave for now. See you tomorrow! 

Love you 

Mmmmmuuuaah 

.........

Sept 13, 21

Hey my love, my dear Six. I got a bit late in meeting you. But yeah, better late than not meet you altogether and so here I am with a single eye codes, trying to type with my half awake self. I didn't even add on to my 369 ritual last night. But even that is somehow fine! All's good - is what I keep convincing myself with. 

Oh, last evening was sincerely superb! Not I only I got to perform my first gig here along with Nathulal Ji's music family - in some full power hotel; but also could sing so much with so many and mmmmmuuuuccchhh! 

I am super dazed in the moment. Just wanna sleep. Wanna cuddle in to a peaceful sleep love? Well, we do have the new but old connection guy sleeping along with us. Though I got a bit bored last night even with him. May bd because I was tired and just needed to rest. Or maybe I was seeking some spark something to get excited.

Yet, I like it way more when people touch me in levels other than physical. I mean, I don't deny its value and really really appreciate and respect it as well. But I need more than just a touch. It has to be a lot many things. 

Now I didn't even want to burden him with such expectations for wasn't I about living the moment and any way I am not seeking a future in my connections. Then why and for what? - were the questions? And only pleasure seemed to shallow. Nor was I feeling the same this night. 

A reason to feel so can also be because of my health. My cough is just not getting any bettee. But it will. It has to! 

Am still having sleep moments. Haven't even washed my face as yet.

Oh, the feel I had last afternoon was seriously legit somehow. Allthough singing for spoiled rich people is not my dream for if someone has to merely dance and make nuance, they can simply play a track and dance. Nor is my dream to sing hidden behind loud beats to not be audible at all.  But I do wanna be heard the way I was heard - dil se and araam se.  And I wish for my music to heal with all the distilled pure energy of my hard work and love. 

We do have a bit of white pasta alongside! Want a bite? Or biscuits? Yeah! Biscuits should do I guess. 

I don't know how to get rid of my cough. Please help me my love! How to I heal myself? 

Do you know, if I had got all the tips I had received in last gig, I would have covered more than my expenditure so far in this trip. But ofcourse, Nathulal ji deserved it the most - for afterall he had organised it and they all had put in so much of hard work behind it. I couldn't even sing till 70% for the demand was of Rajasthani folk music and I didn't know it much. And people were initially rather tipping because of my looks or they wanted me to sing . But I didn't want such tips. Nor had I gone for money last afternoon. I had gone for music and I felt epic about being able to perform what I did. And I felt great about being able to contribute however to their earnings for they are my teachers who have been teaching me Nagada - free of cost for past so many days! So they totally deserved it! 

I would soon have to figure out many things though. Yet discussing them with anyone makes no sense to me anymore for I don't want anyone to judge me or have the right to comment about my life or its decisions. 

Ever since I've come Pushkar, I don't know why I have been feeling a bit struck. Ofcourse in a way I am. For I would have gone out had I found any decent option and way but also because I just have to decide so much and don't know the 'how' part of it. 

And being so distant from home, from anyone really concerned about me or my well being, it just feels a bit sad but freeing at the same time. 

I do look for compatible souls sometimes but often get disappointed for am not really ready to welcome them as inside - literal or metaphorical. And I am split between trying to be free as I was in Bangalore or have a pace as I had in Pan India or be mature I grew over time, or be a part of divine - being religious and attracting only relavant vibes. I do have to build a career but I don't know which field and how. 

Just the music gives me a sense of stability of some sort. Just music practice keeps me connected to my self and reality. It gives me these hours of feeling of growth and evolution. As if, am on the right way and it would take me to the right place. 

Still, not knowing the next step is not always a happy position to be in. Yet, such is life! Very soon I'll have my own home on mountains - of that am sure. And ofcourse before than, a full power Goa trip is coming up where I'll be getting all kinds of oppertunities to grow as a person, a soul and get perfect kind of exposure. Am gonna be super rich - very soon. And way independent. 

Alright my love! Will take your leave now. A lot of love for you. Tomorrow we will meet on right time and will try to extent it even till late. Though that would so depend upon tomorrow's state of mind! 

Bye bye for now love! 

See you next time! 

Mmmmuuuaaahhh

..........

Sep 14, 21

A very good morning my darling six. Though it's way beyond our meeting time. To be honest, it's 7:27 AM. But I still wanna meet if you don't mind. I was sub-consciously writing to you in my sleep. The thing is, I have multiple alarms set at different times. Specially for my 369 ritual. Though, I have become more and more lazy about it. But my sleep does get disturbed with it. Maybe, it's time to change that ritual to PM from AM, and have only us as as the only constant.

I slept on my own last night. That guy seemed only about body, and I realised that I didn't want it. It affects me when people get lazy and just keep lying in my room without doing anything. I don't know why I attract similar kind of people. Even while chilling there are so many things that I do. I just don't want an energy of idleness, for my life needs me to be active.

I still have cough but am hoping that it's better for I covered myself properly last night and slept with fan on a very low speed. I also got the entire room cleaned past evening and got the bedsheets and all changed to avoid any infection. My throat, lungs etc. are so tired of coughing and I so so wanna get better. One needs proper oxygen to do anything in life. I hate being low on energy. I am all about energy and a positive and powerful one.

These days, I dress up real well and only then step out in the evening. No matter what I do during day time, I dress up and leave in the evening. Then most of the times go for Nagada practice and parikrama and now no more stay till very late, yet spend a decent time outside.

It feels great to dress up, look well, feel well, create well.

Oh, last evening I went to the sunset point and played Ukulele for a very long time. So many people hurdled around and listened to me. So so many of them. And I simply focussed upon my music and kept playing. Felt awesome. I also realised that I need to learn many more songs and chords. Now that I do get opportunities to play and perform, I must be better at my skill. I must hone it. I should remember the lyrics, should also know trending songs, must learn sufi ones and different strumming patterns.

Outside world is way more awake and noisy by now. Since am staying at a prime location, I get to hear all the more sounds.

About that guy, though I saw the innocent side in him and also gave my care to him but I don't know why, that sense of purity wasn't there. Plus, the moment I realised it was more about sex for him instead of companionship, any kind of emotion simply went off. Anyway, I was still in discovery phase. But ya, for me, being with someone means being with someone. Doing lot of activities together is a must there. Atleast a decent conversation is essential. He told me in one of oothe meets that he doesn't like talking about anyone's problems. Then, no talk about exies. Even other wise there was way less conversation for the first time we were drunk and there were so many who kept disturbing us. Later, we did get time alone yet the conversation never got better. And though I loved going out with him, specially the spontaneity part of it, but that was once and post that we were only meeting later at night and then we neither went anywhere nor he could give me my space before afternoon. We did bitch about people but that's about it. It would have been unfair to him, had I continued meeting with him for I no more felt like it. I am just not ready for any presence in that amount in my life. I need my space, social respect and freedom to do anything, be anywhere without any accountability or opinion. Amidst all that, if I do meet anybody, it has to be worth my time. 

Anyway, I don't have to stay here for that long so I didn't mind his lack of taking care of my social standing. 

He is from locality, loved Himachal like me, and therefore I felt maybe I would connect to his energy. But it won't work out probably. For even for a friendship, there should be companionship. And even a connection is impossible for me without first friendship and also emotions. I just can't connect casually. So that's about it. There were emotions lacking there. There was a lack of genuine care. And I don't see myself meeting with anyone at that superficial a level.

Though, it felt good and safe to know someone own, when am undergoing so many changes and would have loved to have someone solid in my life; but not in this way and not at this level. If I have stepped out on my own, I will make sure to handle my life on my own. And I know you would help me. For who else can I go to my my cosmos and time? 

7:51

Let's just keep talking today. Anyway, we are meeting beyond restrictions of an hour. It's a special day. Cheers to be independent and free.

The lake is all glittering with blue and the gold is spread across the entire sky. Buildings sparkle with morning sun. We can even go on the rooftop area and still be together with a morning chai! What say you, interested??? We can! Though, that would need me to change! But why not?? Right!!

Cool, in a bit. I just love to be in this room on my own. I love peace, solitariness. Am majorly a loner and chose to be with others only when I find them better than my own company.

Let's go upstairs. Let me change!

8:10

O God! It's way too sunny for a morning. Yet feels so soothing with a mild breeze and my back towards it. Am facing the blue Lake and towards my left is green Aravali range - one of the most ancient mountain ranges of our country. There are black and white birds flying majestically above the lake. In a mansion beside, an old bollywood song is being played loudly. Am facing Savitri temple. I so wish to visit Gayatri temple as well. Before leaving that's a must for me. So would be Baijnath. And though I have already been to Alubaba, but that was night time. I would want to go visit it during day time as well. 

Have clicked one or two pictures of mine. 

I had a talk with one of my Himachal friends who is an extremely good musician. He was like, 'Be my partner, come to Goa with me. We'll stay together, cook together, I'll get my guitar fixed and we'll compose together.' 

Though I really admire his music and would have loved to compose alongside, but that 'be my partner' thing was problematic. Though he is an amazing human, but he had made a pass on me fee years back. Plus, I don't connect to his energy. I have still not compromised with my life and I still totally believe in my flight. So, all though the offer seemed tempting, to go to Goa and create music, say do what I love to do at a place I love as well; but I would have to make a pass at it. Though, inside I know that Goa would be my next destination and Manali would be my home! 

Oh, chai has arrived. Just when the sun was getting a bit too much for me and I was thinking of going downstairs. Maybe this sun would heal my cough as well and would rather be good for me. 

Chai is quite strong and needs sugar. I have never been a chai person. Don't know why I compromised here. Coffee is my love. But they made it all fancy and stuff and I prefer it to be regular to feel like having it and not feel sad about distorting a heart or wondering why they made it more milky and less coffee. Also, it's would have been very expensive for me for now to have it regularly. So I got coffee sachets for me instead and go for chai here but coffee in my room. 

The sky is gaining clouds bit by bit. Hopefully, its gonna rain even today. I just love rains. Monsoons are my favorite season. Then comes winters. Can also be because am August born and that too is a Monsoon month. During my birthday season, everything blooms. Himachal gets loads of Apples and in Delhi, Mangoes are still there. There are flowers no matter where I go. Though, if I have to go to Kerala, then I would choose July for then there are mild rains and lush greens all around. Even Gokarna is epic during rains. Though one can't go anywhere but the sheer thrill in spectating sky poring thunderstruck rains from above and waves thrashing the shore with their love. Oh! It's crazy and I get wonderstruck. 

Rains in Manali are the best. So so romantic. And Bangalore, Bangalore doesn't need a season. It rains all twelve months an year. But mild ones. Any more than that, and it becomes Venice. Lol! The roads get flooded with water logged everywhere. Honesty, if there is one city I love, that's Bangalore. And if there's one place I love the most in my country, that's Old Manali. I have some soul connection there. But the place I find most exotic in my country is Andamaans, and there, Ross and Smith islands. They are the most beautiful places I have ever seen in life so far. Allthough Hampi too is way unique, but I am more into greens than mere brown earth. And am more of a winter and monsoon person than summers. 

I feel a bit hungry as well finally. Last night I ate a decent meal after two three days. Not like food was not there. I was just not feeling like it. People make really fucked up undercooked pasta here. And Pasta is the last thing I had made back at home, so it kind of connects me to my home - that I have left behind. I wish things were different. It's weird how I have moved on and am not willing to give all that another thought. But it stays somewhere within, repressed consciously, to do what I need to do and only think about it later. Otherwise I get into a lot of pain and now is not the time to feel weak or emotional. Now is the time to take action, plan, move ahead. Now is the time to chose 'Me' and the first few steps have already been taken. Have taken a leap of faith dear Cosmos. And now, my destiny is in your hands. Am a drop which has left the cloud and it's a pearl that I would want to become or maybe a river and ocean. Just don't let me get wasted. Help me become what am meant to become. There must be a reason why I never went for normative. Why I never gave in to societial must dos. Why I always did what came from within. What is it now that I should do??? I won't want to compromise now. Not now, not ever. Specially not now, when it has come to proving my intentions, seriousness, capability and connection to the universal consciousness. Of of not proving then to actually bring any real difference rather than merely thinking or dreaming about it. Now is the time!! Help me! I have only you to seek help! 

8:49

All of sudden the music has stopped behind and it feels so peaceful. The few mounts around, the trees distantly seen around the blue Lake, the sound of the birds flying above, a distant cafe playing some punjabi song, the bells of the temples downstairs. Feels quite peaceful. 

I have an option to go to Udaipur with the same guy. It was No, for that would have meant leaving Nagada practice. But after my last gig, and after listening to feedbacks about him from so many locals, the passion to be connected with them has reduced considerably. 

My genre is different, so is my approach towards people. I don't want to be a people pleaser. Instead, I would want to bring my uniqueness to the table. I don't want to supply what's demanded or assumed to be the demand. I would rather create the demand of my uniqueness. 

Alright, that was enough of sun. Am back in my room. Getting fresh for now. Will be sitting in the portico next, for am in my outside clothes anyway and I would love to utilise the portico for it's right above the lake, offers a spectacular view, is shaded and oh so worth it. Usually though, there are Langoors chilling or sleeping there, so I avoid it. Also I don't like to sit upon the floor. But in these shorts, I don't mind. I just never ruin my bed clothes. It feels great to be clean and only then lie upon any bed. 

9 

Woah! I cna very well do the ritual as well. But No, today onwards, it would be PM. That may turn out more effective as well. And in my present routine, I would probably be able to be more consistent there. 

I had a lot of vivid dreams last night and this morning. More like a movie. Also that I had received a message. It was so crystal clear in my mind at that time that I almost felt like noting it down. But I felt that I would remember it and I didn't wish to break the flow of it. So I passed out again and don't remember any of it anymore. Lol! 

9:05

I did go to the portico, but it wasn't worth it. One, there were so many people taking a bath right below. And I am in no mood to listen to the kids crying and people making so much of noise. And secondly monkeys have done shit everywhere, so the place smells. No way am sitting there. Let me take a bath, and sit upon my sweet bed and continue our meet then. Just wait my love!

9:16

Cool yo! Have taken a bath. Feeling fresh. 

Am missing momsha a lot though. But yeah, this distance is required. 

'kuch rishton ka namak hi doori hota hai'

9:19

Now what? Tea done, rooftop done, have even taken a bath, lol! Usually I read a book at this time. Oh, just to hear me - seems so vacation like! Yet back in my mind, am never relaxed. There is this urgency to do something. But what and where??? And although I have surrendered to the cosmos, yet karma is essential. That's what I am all about - Freedom, faith and Karma. My tattoo says it. Though, I wanted Jal to be written there instead of Karma. But a friend suggested otherwise. So I had opted for Karma. Maybe for greater good. And I have Jal as well, right here. People from all over the world come over here for this lake. For Jal. 'It is Jal that is prayed to, not Bhramma' - said a priest to the crowd after one of the evening prayers.

9:23

Maybe I should resume my novel as well. Now that I am carrying my laptop, have my own space, none to judge me. This room is seriously ditto like a home I would love to have. Except that here are lizards that I don't like even if they keep the mosquitoes away and there is noise below and I prefer peace with loads of greenery. But oh, a water body, that too so close. And even mounts visible from my very own window and portico. And two walls with huge windows. And the black and white theme. Everything is so apt. Just the way I like it. 

9:26

I still have to go to that hostel where I had done that painting and make it beautiful. It looked so dark in the first attempt. One that guy didn't trust me. He said before even I began, to maybe opt for another wall. And secondly, I just didn't feel free. I was more bothered about what he was feeling and how was I being treated. But I will make it better and totally worth the place. That's my only gift to Pushkar so far. It has to be beautiful. Can also be because of my state of mind that day. Art always comes from within. I wasn't in a very happy spirit that night. And I did fall sick the very next day.

9:29

It's weird for we can't really share silence, since it's a text communication and the vibes or presence is therefore not possible to be shared. Or maybe it is. Maybe I can simply talk to you when I get something worth it - the way I like it. 

One of these days, we can even go for a parikrama together. So far, I only go for it during evenings at the time of Aarti. But, it would be great to experience it early morning, provided the weather is also nice. 

Everyday when I take the parikrama, it feels as if am weaving a dream catcher. Round and round I go with so many temples and so many dreams. Secretly praying to the almighty to give me strength and right way; while being transcended with the vibes and beauty of the place. Middle of it it is the lake, the eye of earth, the depth that reaches the core and connects so many timelines. 

Pushkar surely has a power and energy of its own. I don't know why I fell sick just here. Or maybe it is part of the healing process for me. To be better in all aspects. 

9:47

Alright my love! Will catch you later. Will probably read a book now or will sleep or will edit a video of Pulga later! I don't know.

Love you! 

Catch you tomorrow.

Thank you for being in my life at this point of time, when there is none.

Loads of Love!

Mmmmmmuuuuaaah

........

Sep 15, 21

Hey Six, Good morning!!! Though it's 8:35 already. Oh, I kept on sleeping. Also that am at a different place. Am staying in my friend's room at his guest house. It's weird how we ignore our minds and live with only our hearts sometimes. Well I only follow my heart. 

Yesterday was way eventful. I did so much, went to so many places. And here I am, still not back at my place, yet somehow already feeling a new place as my place. 

I have gained a weird confidence somehow. That's how I handled everyone last night. Oh, you must know the details. Bit by bit. Let me begin by thanking you to be there in my life. For only because of you that I've been able to retain my sanctity and rather have been gaining more and more maturity.

Right now though am in a friend's bed, cuddled around his arms... Wondering if it was a drunk act this morning, or if I was here from my heart. It was a free flow from my side, from his side, I don't know. It could have been a bit purer but not everything can be controlled.

We did go to Baijnath together last evening. The place was extremely holy and way energetic. There was a cave below a mount where a beautiful Shivalingam was there. I even meditated there for a bit. Later se hiked for a little distance and reached a spectacular place that offered a magical view and loads of greenery.

Oh, did I tell you that I had a bath in rain last afternoon??? So I felt  hungry after a long time last morning so went to have a heavy meal. As I was coming back, it began to rain and I chilled in a roadside cafe with coffee, awesome music and a lot of rain. I kept on walking all around despite of the rain and finally took a Parikrama to enjoy the rain as well as be cleansed by the most purified water amidst all those temples by the lake. It literally felt epic. 

Later, I read a book upon the cafe upstairs and even wrote few poems over there. Will share them here with you.

It's by early evening that I went to Baijnath. The entire way though had lots of puddles, but I could trust the friend I was along with and was really connected to Shiva. Maybe, a little fear is good for all that time, I was totally connected to all-mighty. I felt really lucky to be there in those vibes. It felt like a very ancient place with its very own magical vibes.

As I was coming back, I got invited by Nathulal Ji for an event. He told me it was a concert first of all. Later he told me it's a tiny jamming session and there would be 5-6 'gurus' over there, all of whom would be musicians. I though was aware of possibilities of it being a not so great an occassion, still went; just to double check if all my suspicions about him were true or not. Afterall my love for music was connected to it. It was a shitty private event with a few jaat drunk people; seeking a sasta exotic experience. Nathu asshole caught a few foreigners and even promised them of some event. I had already earned them so they left on time. I performed though was a star there but I felt more and more angry for he abused music and the respect he derives out of it.

I'm gonna royally fuck his life and reputation. So angry I was for treating people like shit. 

Though I got a lot of respect from everybody but I disliked the entire event and the way foreigners were used by him.

Oh, I have a lovely coffee and warm embrace right now. Maybe living in yesterday would be a bad idea for a moment so sweet. 

I wish I had woken up on time my love. I don't know how I have been so lenient about us and punctuality this time. I have never been as careless in any of my other blog meets. But we are different right. Please help me connect to you at the right time!

Otherwise the magic won't be correct and time won't reveal itself fully. It's number six that I must explore, not 8 or 9. For that, there would be another date and time. 

Yet, I don't want to be inconsistent. I reach the level of universal consciousness and connect to you dear six however possible.

Oh, the coffee is epic and I have everything that I need.

Though I got whatever opportunity I got to earn thanks to Nathulalji, but I don't want to earn through this way. Plus, he takes it all and gives only peanuts to the artists. So far my respect for music and him was stopping me from voicing out what I felt like. Even today I wanted to first clarify the conditions. But then, I thought it was a jamming session. I felt way pissed moment I reached there. How sick out the people of our country to treat women as show pieces and commodities. 

Let's not talk about him. Am in different vibes, at my friend's guest house! 

He is way sweet yet a bit too much into my reality. But I felt really grateful last night for his presence. For I could take the risk because back of my mind I knew he was there. Though I was enough on my own. Yet maybe I wouldn't have gone there had I been on my own in this city. That would have saved me from a shitty exposure but also would have not reveled the ugly side of so called artists. 

I was a star anyway. Each passing day, my confidence to perform is increasing. And I sound so well day by day on the Mike. Even I don't believe how my voice comes out to be. The first day I actually thought, they must have used auto tuner or something for I was so melodious. But No man! All I needed was a mike, more confidence and a lot of love for music along with dedication..

And yes, proper Taal does work wonders. 

Right now, I feel a bit suffocated yet a lot pampered at the same time. 

I have a lovely coffee, love of a friend and friend himself folding me with his arms around my legs; and it has been way too long that I have allowed anyone to be as close to me...Yet the feeling is a fusion! Part of my self wants to run outside and be free and talk with you on my own. Also part of me is way too comfortable, is rather liking the pamper for change. I have been way too self dependent for so many years. Am simply not used to anyone's presence and with that intensity. 

He even came in my video on his own that shocked me. I get intrigued by his 'zurrat' but also get baffled by it. 

It seems very intense then. As if I have to make a decision to be in or out, with so much of public presence and such gestures! Yet it feels empowering to do what I feel like regardless of what any of these people think around. 

But I have certain issues with being linked with anyone. Specially until I want to be known alongside. Let's see! 

It has no future - of that am sure! For I need my freedom and space  and I can't ever see myself being so much into a guy to compromise with my independence. Plus, he seems a bit struck with my body. Few of his gestures were sweet like getting me incense sticks and ensuring a trip outside and conversation but all that had to be engineered for he wasn't naturally so! Or maybe, time repressed this side in him. Who knows??

Anyway, will take a leave for now my love! It seems as if am writing a blog on people and not time. I miss the morning of my own room today. Though this too is a sweet surprise to us! Yet unity of Time and place is essential for the right feel! I miss that feel today! 

See you tomorrow then! Loads of love! 

Mmmmmuuuuaaah

.............

Sept.16, 2l

Good morning my love! My darling Six. It's after so long that I have managed to get up at this time and also express to you!!

I am again not in my own room. But it's a new level of existence and so so beautiful.

Am way sleepy though. But let's create the best version of it. Let me go upon the hammock outside. Though it's soooo comfortable - this bed and am way too sleepy.

Well, I made the efforts. Somehow left the bed and oh, it's so worth it. Am outside in a peaceful and way green verranda, looking at a beautiful dawn along with the music of so many birds.

There is breeze, rustling of leaves and oh, so much of peace!!! I had a crazy epic evening yesterday. A guy I had been long planning to meet. The meet finally happened last evening along with a full on Pizza, a bright gold Moon, so many stars, an entire place to ourselves and such happy lovely conversation!

We kind of immediately connected and spoke so so much the entire night! It felt so comfortable and I spoke so much with him with that much of ease! There was no conversation of fights or anything. We did spoke about emotions and connections. I don't know why and how I opened up so much to him in terms of my life.

There were wind chams, few mild fairy lights, and such good company that I was almost falling in love with my time and was getting rather fond of my company. Oh, and right upon the peak that he mentioned that He is married and went on and on about his two lives!!! 

Not like I had any other intentions with him, yet, knowing about that side was a huge shocker. Won't deny, I got a slight disappointment deep in! It was way perfect otherwise, literally everything - the place, the person, the conversations. We laughed so much, even bitched about people and situations. It was such a refreshing change. 

Ooh, it feels so chilly. I'd changed into different clothes and they are not as comfortable. Why is he married? Why do people lead double lives? He was fucking perfect in every way, until I got to know that part and all my excitement suddenly washed off. Not like I was seeking anything else, or had any future planning. But I have learned from my life to not even give into a moment like that. He wouldn't have minded to be close but I would have. It was so against my principles that at 4 in the morning, I for a second had even considered going back to my own guest house or atleast staying in a different room. But I trusted him and myself for it was totally clear in my head to not give in yet not let a beautiful evening get ruined. So I still stayed, interacted clearly and happily and continued the evening still trust based!

Here I am, at a beautiful place, after a lovely evening and night; feeling a bit chilly yet appreciating each moment and happy about it.

I don't mind being friends with married people. It's when they be so perfect that I find it an issue. How they never turn possessive, know exactly how to treat you, listen to you, have no fake male ego, respect you and your privacy, don't go around flaunting you, take care of you with love, care and without any agenda or ego. Ofcourse it all serves their interest as well but why don't they be so without any complication of a second life in lieu.

Just him mentioning his marrital status brought back so many memories of Bangalore and my mind got fully alerted along with my heart to no more flow free or even connect to him or explore psycology. Its connections like these that immediately take a boom for me and later effect me immensely psychologically and emotionally. So I kept my distance and saved my heart. He maybe free and allright with his double life, but am not! And I have quite a decent self worth to not fall into such thing.

Anyway, he has been nothing but extremely sweet and seriously a great company. It would have been seriously perfect had I not known about his other life. But it's good that I was told, for that saved me from feeling so many things. Also brought a beautiful fresh perspective! To help me recover myself. Not give into any stupid behaviour of conservative Indians trying to be machos. Neither be fooled by any of my emotions suddenly popped into my life.

That I have to keep going - for 90% people here do have fake lives, even names.

To simply live these days doing what I feel like doing instead of falling into traps of temptations of people trying to claim me.

Last evening was a sweet reminder that nice company exists and I don't have to tolerate insecure people trying to flaunt me or claim me by hyjacking my life, time or friends.

It's a beautiful morning love! Thank you for teaching me yet another thing! Oh, do you know, a tortoise also lives here? Wanna take a tiny walk? It's quite chilly yet so so romantic and free upon this hammock in the garden. Come lets check out the tortoise!

There it is. Still sleeping.

And am back upon the swing!

Oh, its core bliss! Being here in this garden - far off from rest of the world! And none knows that am here. Although, I did miss my other friend a bit last night. But he had behaved really unwisely last morning. If you can't respect me enough to take care of my privacy or overstep you limits and do something that I clearly asked not to do it; obviously, the connection gonna get affected. Anyway, I knew that had no future. And even in present it was a mistake. For people stay as they are. And I have absolutely no interest in changing anyone. 

Oh, it's such a heavenly morning! I feel so so much at peace! Also that I woke up right on time and here we are - such a perfect meet!

How romantic it all is! And it's only you and I, none intruding into our personal moments, and it surely feels free. Aah! Boundaries must be respected. And thank you my dear Six for reminding that to me. For being such a great teacher to me.

Oh, I didn't go for even Nagada last evening. I am sure I'm gonna bring out Nathu's other side to society. Though everyone knows about him mostly. What a shame to be in his shoes, how sad of an art to be coming out of him.

Honestly, something within still wants to respect him. Maybe that's what got shattered and to a level that it broke me a bit. But also strengthened me enough. All for the best I feel! It would rather help me move on without any attachment or connectivity.

Oh, but please help me love! Help me choose the right way, figure out a decent way of earning and do something - worth my time and energy. Help me align with the right kind of people - not those using me as trophees or claiming me for my body or showcasing me around as a girl or trying to get a piece of me. 

Help me meet the right energies - happy ones; with as much of zeal, life, purity and curiosity. Help me take a right path and follow it willingly. Help me be successful at whatever you feel fit for me. Help me create a magical life, like this moment, the wind chams, the morning breeze. Help me manifest a better life - full of love, hope, abundance and prosperity. 

Oh, they also have a rooftop area here which is really lovely. That's where we chilled the entire night! With so many plants around, not to forget - the flowered trees, the moon right in front, the happy chit chats and a natural melody! 

Oh, it was all so peaceful. Still is. And it was so reliving, for I could talk my heart out - without any manipulation or anyone meddling with my reality. 

It was a simple heart to heart! And I loved every ounce of it. 

Oh, it's so serene! This moment and the joy of it. And am still a little dazed yet loving the touch of breeze upon my skin, with the sky gaining blue and leaves getting even more green! Oh, few moments are perfect! This one is one such hit! So at peace. So serene. So beautiful! Core magic!!!

Alright my love! Will meet you tomorrow. Am happy in the moment. You won't believe, I actually spoke about so much of my life last entire night that all my multiple selves are content in the moment. So happy. So much at peace. Also a bit chilly with the morning breeze!

Off I go, back to the comforts of the bed!

Loads of love!!!

Have a beautiful morning my lovely!

Mmmmmmuuuuaaahhhh

..........

September 17th, 21

6 AM

Goodmorning love. 

I haven't met you at more exact time than today so far. Just haven't slept night long. Was all anxious last entire evening and half the night and finally I could shift my mind to the book I have been reading for past few days. Am almost on the last chapter and yet left it for us to meet. Don't you feel special? You must. So do I, for I have you. My only strength these days, specially today. 

I found myself reaching Neelkanth temple of Pushkar last evening suddenly thanks to my old friend. It was a short ride and totally unexpected followed by reaching lakeside where a popular band was performing who was his favorite. I couldn't connect much though for I was not familiar with those songs. Yet I stayed and supported. The weather though turned magically beautiful along with so many who had gathered just to listen to those guys. They were good. Just not my kind. 

Suddenly it began to rain and really hard and I was in a white transparent top. I got partially wet but my friend drenched his entire shirt so I had no option but to let him inside my room though I wasn't feeling like it. The reason why I had met him was because he was leaving for Delhi last evening. I wanted to give my respect for the brief connection we had. Where allthough it didn't turn out the way it could have and I had realised that he was not treating me right or his energy or conversations were too much about fights and I simply couldn't see myself with anyone so much into my space; yet the little intimacy we had shared and despite of red flags, I had actually cared for him; all that made me agree to meet him. But moment we met, he told me that he had rather cancelled his bus ticket because he wanted to attend the band's performance. And instead he was going to leave by night. Obviously love music so I joined him for the show. It was only later when his friends also joined. Then he insisted upon coming to room. And then further insisted upon chilling upon my guest house's cafe for a bit and even called his friends over there that I got all enraged. With me he hardly speaks much. With his friends he talks about such unnecessary stuff that I suddenly felt weird sitting on a side sofa where he was being all princely with his two tails giving him some random information and he wasn't even talking to me yet was totally expecting me to be there while he took his beer or takes his fries. I all of sudden realised I had given him enough of my time where I had rather decided otherwise; and that I was not forced to sit there and be a part of such unnecessary and uneventful get together. So I suddenly got up, wished him luck, told them, I had somewhere to go, and left! 

I walked and reached a ghat totally lulled by darkness and felt so so angry and sad about my life. About everything. My own personal issues, lack of support in my life, random accusations, wrong energies. I wanted to shout and humiliate Nathulal for being a dick and insulting music. I wanted to shout and tell this guy how despite of being in travel line for so long, he didn't really have an open mind. How ironical and hypocritical he was where on one hand he called himself commitment phobic and on other, he wanted to remove his shirt in my room with curtains and door open, or tickle me on my neck when sitting outside in my guest house's cafe or show the world that we were connected. I felt angry about losing the only stable meaning of life I had for past few days - my music practice and the sad way it had ended. I felt angry about my life and its present situation and felt really really lonely. For despite of all my travels and so many I have had shared emotions with, there was not even a single person who knew my situation entirely or was strong enough to support me.

Yeah, my bestie knew partially but at that time it was all rage and sadness and such immense heaviness. I tried singing but with a hoarse throat it was just not happening. As if suddenly, somebody had taken out all my energy.

I went to another spot where I often play. I sang and played for a long time. People came and left but I just wasn't in a mood to face any person or connect to anyone energetically. So regardless of them listening or not, I simply kept playing however I felt like and allthough it was not at all good to my ears, plus, I had absolutely no energy or mood to sing, that was the only thing that I did at that time. I had even written a poem. Will share a pic here. 

Anyway, I came back and had a coffee to sooth my soul and ordered a late dinner which the guys forgot - either in reality or because they just don't like my friend visiting me here and claiming me so much. Or maybe I don't like it anymore. Or maybe because they made it on my reminder and had to bother to make it after the kitchen was closed, I got the shittiest meal so far here in Pushkar. And that ofcourse made me further sad and angry about my present scenario. 

And all this while, I was trying to convince myself that everything is alright and that I am sufficient to handle my life. That all these people's conduct is their problem not mine. It's their karma. Yet, for hours I kept on tossing and turning feeling desperately alone and upset. 

But I knew what I didn't have to do. I was required to be with myself instead of trying to find any relief with anyone else. And so I did. I stayed with me, through all my anxiety... Now trying to sleep, now trying to read, now ensuring water intake that was so missing the entire day, now wondering why my friends don't call me just like that!!! And the Moon gradually gained it's gold till bright red - representing my own mind and reflecting it's colors upon the dancing lake of Pushkar. It was by 3 that the Moon got set and so did my mind. Post that I had been reading and was totally immersed in that. 

6:32

Just in half an hour, the sky has changed its color from deep blue to light blue with morning light clearly evident. The lake too has gained so many visitors - including devotees, priests, birds!! 

Oh, did I tell you that I touch two tortoises yesterday!!! One was at the property I had stayed in last to last night! It was a pet and became quite comfortable with me immediately. Another one was in the lake. Since I had touched one in the morning so I had gained confidence. So when I saw one later in the lake last night, I simply went and touched it's smoothy some like outer cover. It was so so slippery, unlike the pet one. 

6:36

Lol! 'chatees ka ankda'. 

6:39

I have a black coffee and smoke in my hand. It's a nice morning. And I am glad that I have a book to finish and am sleep bereft to forgive reality for a bit. 

It's weird know, how a new place suddenly becomes your new reality and all the recent happenings and new people occupy so much of your head space. I though am now bored of this place. More heartbroken. I anyhow hardly had a reason to be here except maybe religious peace and musical learning. I gave my best to both I guess! And yet, I am not really happy with the outcome. 

I just realised, it's almost three weeks for me to be here. 19 solid days! My bills are increasing. I yet have to figure out a way to pay them. 

Yet I have gratitude that atleast I got my own space and peace when I really needed it. Soon I would have to move from here. I can't be in a city with people full of multiple lives! I am a free soul and would rather find my abode in a free world. 

I hate being dishonest or treachery of any kind. And here, married people date women yet be solid conservative when it comes to their families; cons become saints, people turn into babas seasonally and musicians sell gender and ethnicity instead of being confident in their art or being justified in their conduct while connecting to artists!!! Aah! This heart seeks utopia - does it ever exist??? 

Even the names are fake over here, leave personalities! 

And I detest any place disrespecting women! Here it's all lust or curbing them down, or seeking their benefits! 

I wish I reach a world with equality, respect, compassion, opportunities, abundance, creativity, prosperity. 

Oh, the morning is pretty! Have a bite of it!! 

6:52

Am back on my bed. Feels so comfy. This book I'm reading - 'To be someone', oh, it's so sad. Yet had a musician's journey. It describes friendship in its maximum intensity. Has revival of a broken spirit. Very heart touching book. Yet to discover why it reached me at this point of my life!

Oh, by the way, it has a list of songs! I got this idea to see if they were real just this morning. Only to realise, they are all classics. Will share the list here, to be able to come back to it. 

I only heard one of them and found it quite captivating. What a way to write a book know. Songs mentioned brought another sense to it. I could listen to the song while reading about the protagonist's connection it it.

I even saw a snake last evening while I was sulking lakeside beside a Shivling. I felt, as if it had come to visit me. Even the monkeys in my portico seemed like company to me this morning. I fed them whatever I had and they happily accepted it.

6:58 Alright my love! Will take your leave now. Loads and loads of love!!!! See you tomorrow. Good night. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

.........

Sept 18, 21

6:06

Hey my love! My dear 6 AM. GOOD MORNING!

I woke up not because of any alarm but on my own. And it feels  great.

Let me wash my face though. Else I am gonna sleep. Oh! Why am I so sleepy?

6:14

Alright! Am back after a splash of water upon my face. Although, it was way tempting to pass out again; but it also felt extremely lucky to wake up to the sounds of a priest performing prayers and offering Pushkar lake's Jal to someone's clan! 

6:19

My heart is quite at peace this morning. More because I've just woken up; but also, because I had quite a peaceful day yesterday. I went out for lunch on my own. Met few people from Indore at the local food shop. They were from extremely conservative family yet appreciated the fact that I was solo traveling. Also they reminded me of a guy from Indore I had had a serious crush on, back in Manali. So I treated them all nicely. Their son who was in 8th class, also added me on insta. Even he had 150 followers and was quite active and good with his posts.

I had woken up around 3 and had found a friend in the cafes upstairs with his classmate so first I interacted with them at leisure, then went out for lunch and connected with that far off family. Then chilled in my own room for a bit, only to find one of Nathulal's son, specially downstairs at Varah ghaat, playing here as if to tempt me. But I didn't give in! Instead I mustered up the courage to still go out and take a Parikrama. I didn't carry my Ukulele for didn't have the heart for it. You won't believe how many people asked me about my Ukulele and why had I not brought it and when would I play it next.... So on!

I had no clue, so many liked my music and really liked me to play! As the evening went on, I had to promise so many of them that I would get it the next day and would definitely play. A person appreciated it when I told him that God takes care of me and music to me is so holy. He even told me that anyone connected to music is connected to God. It was quite an uplifting conversation. I also made friends with two educated local girls during Parikrama and later, not only chilled with 3-4 friends at Sunset point, doing absurb but cute things like balancing a waterbottle by flipping it and ensuring it stood up again upon its own base... To later sitting in a neat circle below a shed and reading out poems one by one and even singing bhajans and songs together. Even other people were pulled by the quality of our time and joined us! It felt sweet.

Then I chilled upon the roof top area of my cafe, followed by an extremely late dinner in my room. After which I finally finished the book I was reading. I felt good that the girl didn't commit suicide (what she was planning the entire book) and instead chose a free life and moved towards a new future instead of lamenting about the past. 

Then I posted a few videos on insta and read our earlier meets entire night for it also reminded me of my Pushkar journey so far... And that my love is how I passed out upon a soft white pillow, face down, covered by red sheet wrapped round my torso, my legs leisurely spread apart, one at a ninety degree angle and another straight below a fan, my feet outside the quilt to balance the temprature and my soul all surrendered to the peace of the night with faith in my destiny.

And here we are. Even the sleeping monkeys in my portico have gone out. Only one or two baby monkeys are passing by. It's a beautiful weather outside giving an appearance of drizzle but actually it's wind - rising up numerous waves in the lake.

The mountain where Savitri temple is, it's Blue in color still. The sky is light blue. Birds are flying and chirping around. 

I'm relaxed - inside out!

6:41

I haven't even made coffee as yet. I will, in a bit. Or who knows I may pass out again! That's the beauty of these days. Sleep or get up, do a lot or do nothing - all upon the moment and my mood. None judging or giving me a hard time about it. And am loving it.

I'm gonna learn some new chords of a new song today. It has got crucial to further hone my skills. I had got so demotivated to learn anything new earlier. Now, I have to work upon it and make my skills better.

Weather I get a teacher or not, I got to stay determined for it is my dream to go further in it. Maybe whatever I had to get from Nagada, I have got. And it's time to keep moving on. Music is coming to me on its own. And I must not get fixed with any one state or form. It has to be a constant growth. Who knows, how much of wisdom I must have already absorbed. 

6:48

I also got to wave a macrame bracelet for a girl who stays upstairs. She had shared her clothes with me when I had to go for an event and needed something full urgently. She later gifted that yellow shirt to me and I loved it. So I had promised her a hand made bracelet in return. That I will surely give to her. Oh, she had offered me rabri last to last afternoon that I had declined for I was full. Now suddenly I am reminded of it and feel like having it. Lol! 

6:50 

Dear six, only you know what circumstances I am in. For though I mention it or not, you also know what goes in my mind. You have felt what I have been feeling. You have heard what I have been expressing. And only you know what's repressed and even I fail to know it or deny to accept. But you do know about the need (for it to be better) and my surrender (to as it is) to the time! Thank you for being in my life. For blessing me with so many changes, lessons, learnings. Thank you for showering me with love. Thank you for helping me overcome my fears. Thank you for ensuring your constant presence. Thank you for your invisible presence when even I am liquid and changing so much each day, with none really close or near. 

My heart is in a strange peace today. As if, all's fine and will only get better from here. My health thankfully is good. Even the last burnt skin is getting better and healing. The earlier burnt wounds are way healed for the new skin is getting similar tones like old one. I don't have any more cough. I guess, that was viral for most of the people around I found were suffering with it. I can breath well finally. Am no more in need of someone or something. Just happy to be here in my present. And know deep in that a better life is getting manifested for me.

I love you my darling six for such a quick fix.

I believe it would only be uphill from here!

Om Namah Shivaya

Shivoham

Love you! 

Mmmmmmmmuuuuuuaaaah

Have a beautiful day full of laughter, joy and bliss!

............

Sept. 19, 2021

Goodmorning my darling Six! Have just woken up. I passed out last night quite on time and woke up only now. Had crazy dreams as well! Wait, let me brush and all and will be back in a bit. 

Alright yo! Am back! All freshed up. Have even lit an incense stick in my room. It was raining last entire night and only this morning that it has stopped. So the sky has gained a very pretty pink color.

Oh, am so so aroused. Rather even had similar dreams the entire night. How is it happening these days, I don't understand. Even my own clothes are enough to turn me out. A slight brush of my top above my bosom or a misaligned speggatie with breeze hardening my nipples and causing me goosebumps, a nice romantic weather, a shower with an aromatic body wash; oh, anything, literally anything is turning me on and totally unplanned!

Oh, you won't believe what happened last evening. So after an entire day of Sun, even forced visits to the market to have Maalpuye and rabri; exhausting myself with random outings and lying till late evening in my room; I decided to dress up and go out at 6 PM. I got dressed in a kinky skin fit multi colored top and a short blue mini skirt which was my favorite in college time. I had also made a live video earlier so I was confident about playing my Uke anywhere. Rather, I wouldn't have minded doing a bit of busking as well for the first time in my life. Anyway, as I went down, a baba asked me to play for me. I did play him a Bhajan, literally finishing with the line that if God is in everyone, then so is in you and that's why I played for you. I appreciated it so much and I walked on till the sunset point. It was quite crowded. I after quite a few days, picked up a Nagada and began to play alongside another group that sits on Sunset point. So many gathered around us. My eyes however were fixated upon a setting sun all red in color. So many people made our videos along with the sun but my focus was upon the beats and matching them. As if I wanted all the justice from those beats, as if I was thumping those drums to demand from the cosmos the success that I now deserve!

Almost an hour went by. Nagadas stopped. While the main Nagada players were getting all the attention from some elderly tourists and a foreigner was receiving compliments from few others, I was instead surrounded by many street kids, specially one, who like Krishna, was partially playing hide and seek with me while I was playing and was squeezing his eyes again and again for I had done the gesture once while playing to give me my reception and recognition (for my hands were busy). Immediately after Nagada he asked about my Ukulele and rest of the kids also asked me to play it. I took it out and played a Bhajan for those kids. Now, the sun had already set and the crowd was still there after Nagada so the entire crowd immediately gathered around us,enjoying the show. Two guys seemed extraordinarily happy and requested after first two songs to sing it for the camera and asked me to use a chordless Mike for better voice. Turned out, they were from a regional Rajasthani channel and loved to see me so happy over ever; hence had decided to do a bit on me!

I got super happy with the sudden attention and recognition and support of so many kids and even young girls and elderly people. I went full power and played from my soul, kids began to dance, Nagadawaadaks began to play Nagada behind to give beats, the foreigner played his jamway behind, people began to clap and it was a superb show. They requested me to sing 'Padharo mhaare desh' and other Rajasthani folk songs. I sang whatever I knew. It turned out superb. He interviewed me later so I kind of came quite in limelight for a bit. And I have always loved facing cameras so I turned out all the more energetic. 

It was quite a show. I was funny using a spontaneous humour and was quite confident during my interview. So many came and congratulated me appreciating my voice. Oh, it felt, cloud 11. The girls added me on insta. The people around appreciated my voice - which meant so so much to me. I was overwhelmed. 

From there, I moved towards a comparatively secluded corner; for one it was raining and secondly, I had promised a girl called Kanchan that I would teach her Ukulele. Her family is into selling seeds from pigeons or playing some local instruments or wearing traditional wear and entertaining people. Each time I meet her, they all encircle me and talk to me. Although it feels fine for a bit but her mother always turns super greedy asking for money or something else. I do wanna teach Kanchal Uke but I always feel weird about so many disturbances specially her mother. Anyway, I still gave all those kids a little bit of my time, until her mother came and instead wanted me to capture her rarely dressed little son with her and Ukulele in my phone. I did that.

All this was happening that that guy who had invited me to Pushkar, that silly stupid friend/nuisance with whom I had even gone to Savitri temple, the guy whom I had been avoiding for years, yet in a weak moment interacted with again on the eve of my birthday, and foolishly believed that he had changed... Well he popped up and again with that obsessive energy. I told him stealthily to go that I didn't wish to talk to him. He went then came back again, this time with the same crazy emotional intense energy that he is sometimes loaded with. I had to yell at him, but he was so insistent upon spending ten minutes with him as if he owns me. I got so pissed. I told him that I didn't want to and walked off angrily sitting with complete strangers in a hotel for it was still raining and I was also partially scared of that guy's obsessed energy. 

Later, I walked off and came straight to my guest house's cafe. My happy evening was royally fucked and I was still quite angry that a girl I have recently got connected to here in my guest house; she came and sat beside and then the entire evening till late night we kept on talking about so many things. It was quite an intellectual conversation which though began with tiny topics like clothes and apparels but thankfully shifted to better themes and I enjoyed my time and evening with her. 

I had a comparatively early dinner and since it was raining, there was no point going out again. Also, I had no data and Wifi wasn't working. So I must have passed out even before 12. 

Here I am, wide awake, spectating the sky changing its shades from pink to white; the bells gradually becoming more frequent, the noise of morning visitors gaining numbers and my mind and spirit quite active!

I also have a meeting with that anchor who had interviewed me last evening - this morning.

I feel a bit hungry. Maybe will have a banana now. My stomach has gone crazy these days. I don't feel like eating anything for hours and then, all of sudden I just urge to eat anything. And then I go crazy to have anything immediately without which I feel this weird craving or empty inside. Maybe it's gastric or I don't know.

OMG, I just walked till the portico and the ghats are super packed. Maybe because it's Sunday and people from nearby cities like Ajmer all visit Pushkar on weekends.

One of these days we'll definitely go for a Parikrama together. And one of these days, I'll surely take a dip in the lake. Although, Gayatri temple may mark the end of my visit here in Pushkar for that's the only 'must go' left in my visit. Also, that I want to go visit 'Alu baba' during day time.

Oh, I have finished that book I was reading. Have begun a new book. It's called 'Many selves'. A little bit similar to the last one. This too so far has a musician girl with a deep bond of friendship with another one and is about creating their originals and the special bond they shared - so far. But that's only the first segment. I still have to read it to make much sense of it. But yeah, my reading speed, focus and pleasure I used to derive from books is back and am so loving it.

Alright my love! I'm gonna call it a day! Loads of love!!! Thank you for your magic. For letting me keep my faith. For helping me step out of expired situations so smoothly. For giving me hope and strength to move towards the next step as confidently. 

Oh, I did clarify with my old connection but new friend about the issues I had while we had got a bit closer recently. He was so understanding about it. Even said sorry multiple times. Said, he won't bother me if I don't want it but he would love to be in contact for he likes my company. Oh, I too had grown a soft corner for him; although my mind tells me that he is so different from any of my types - all the time. Yet, when I was bothered by that other guy, it was him that I thought of at that time. And when I had a perfect evening, it was with him that I wanted to share the news with. It's weird how in our pains, even a little bit of connection with anyone become so immense in that less a time.

All my wounds are healing now, including the most recent one as well. I feel better, healthy, healed and in my centre. Thank you my love! Thank you for healing and helping me revive so much!!

I love you a lot! Almost feel indebted to you.

Love and light!

Mmmmmmuuuaaahhh

...........

September 20th

11:41 AM

Hey my love! My darling six! It's way beyond our time to connect. I would have totally dropped the idea of meeting today for I kept sleeping and we are way beyond our meeting time. But one, it's full moon tonight so it's a special day and secondly, I somehow believe that at some other corner of the earth, it must be six right now, so I can possibly reach that dimension and connect to you.

I simply couldn't wake up this morning - despite of three alarms! And later noise of people shouting below or even fighting; auto instructed my mind to even sleep deeper. For that's how I cope with any aggressive situations - I sleep. Not necessary though that there were actually any people fighting. Here people suddenly scold intensely anyone for even taking slippers near the lake. So yeah, could have been just my mind going on auto pilot mode on hearing any aggressive loud sound. 

Hey! Chai has arrived. Let's have it along with some cake. Today a friend of mind whom I had met in Goa, is arriving. I'm kind of excited for a fresh change. He was quite close once! Then I decided to never meet for he had taken me for granted. But he kept on trying to connect after every once in a while. So yeah! Time for a second chance. It just feels good that he's coming. Someone different from this new world I have been living in for past few days. 

Oooh! This local plum cake is seriously super yummy. But I don't know why have I compromised and opted for chai instead of coffee these days. Am staying at an over expensive place with even more expensive food items. Toh, I somehow go for chai. But it's a big time compromise for me. I have never been a chai person except in Himachal. And here I am everyday ordering it and then feeling bad about it. When will I come out of my poverty mind set. Why don't cosmos change my life already? So much of cost for such high principals and listening to my inner voice!!! 

12:03

It's a fine morning or noon! Not overtly sunny. Rather a great weather after night long clouds and maybe rain in the morning.

I'm still sleepy. I don't know why. I have slept so much in past few days! Maybe am upset deep in for ony then that I sleep as much. 

Oh, am planning to to my old connection but new friend's guest house and finish the painting I had begun there. I had began it on a New Moon and I'm gonna finish it on a Full Moon. Also because I may not get time afterwards and I do wanna make it prettier. 

12:09

Last evening was subtle. I had an option to go that property where a new local friend invites me but he is married and he only cally me towards late evening and though nothing is gonna happen till I too want it; yet I don't wanna become anyone's pass time. And I want to break this illusion of Pushkar that they have a right to have parallel lives.. I don't know what is right but to me it seems extremely wrong to be married and still do whatever you want outside without honestly. Had their wives known and had equal right to live their lives on their own accord, I wouldn't have minded this culture. But it is extremely patriarchal. Plus, if you agreed to get married to one person and still are into it totally, then why are you seeking anything outside? Either be free and live as you want without any commitment. You don't even want to disturb your usual comfort of belongingness and also want to try out everyone available outside. Anyway, their choice. I am not gonna be any other woman to anyone. 

Though, sometimes when I pamper a dog I feel, I never consider if the dog is married or not! I simply caress it. Why can't we offer temporary comfort to someone? I mean a person staying alone may get lonely and can only feel good about having a platonic connection with someone far away from home. But it never stays platonic. Not only guys consider women as objects or things of pleasure and sex to be their birth right despite of their marriatal status; but also women do give in to that! That's a sign of very low self esteem. Plus, what if emotions get developed. Won't it fuck up so many relations or break any hearts? Better to stay away from such complications. 

I got to do my laundry today. Will do that first, then take a bath and go to finish that painting most probably. 

Oh, did I tell you that a local lady tried hooking me up last night with her only son for marriage? Lol! So, I was taking a parikrama with that anchor who had captured me last to last evening. He turned out to be stereotypical Indian guy wanting me to be separate from rest of the people and keep me to himself for as much of time. He came at prime time when I go merge with everyone, sing and dance and be happy about life. Any way, since I had promised him my 20 minutes, I went alongside. After every few steps he was like, let's sit somewhere, I don't want to walk as much. So we sat. He wanted to know about the art of writing which I told him but before that he was so inquisitive about how I manage my funds, what do I pay for rent, what I eat, how I travel, etc. Etc. Though I find it way ill mannered but by now I am used to people who haven't really seen life or world and are from such backgrounds where they are not taught where to draw the lines in a conversation. So it went on and he didn't even want me to finish the parikrama on time for he was afraid that other people will come around and snatch me from him. Typical!!! 

So mid way I wanted to smoke so we went to a local chai shop. There was an aunty sitting inside the shop so we came outside so that I be able to smoke alongside. The aunty came outside, dragged a chair and took a seat right beside. Lol! Now ofcourse I had to keep the smoke back. She all of sudden claimed to be our mother, asked about our relationship status and called herself extremely liberal stating an example, 'yeah! Ofcourse! I understand you two are not related. We meet people in train, talk to them, spend time with them. Doesn't mean there has to be something'... Till that point it was all cool. Suddenly she boasted about her huge mansion in a nearby place Ranthambore and invited us there and got into so many details showing extremely special interest in me, again and again saying, 'Today we are serving you, tomorrow you will serve me'. All of sudden her son spoke sheepishly from behind, 'she wants me to get married.' Crazy! All floods got lose. She got into so many personal details, how they were mugged by marriage mediators five times. How they have been looking for girls everywhere but they don't get anyone for that not so educated son. How they don't want any girl from their own village for then she would run off to her home every second day. 

Anyway, I told her that I am not into setting people up to which her son spoke that you meet so many artists. There must be someone. That he doesn't even find a girl rag-picker leave apart a girl to get married to. I told him, artists won't get married to him and stay struck in some by gone village to which he replied, 'there must be a flop artist'. Weird!! 

I told that aunty that she is in Pushkar. She must surrender everything to Pushkarraj. That it is due to her desperation that they got mugged. That the right girl exists and will come once they stop looking for her. That she shouldn't undermine her son to be foolish and stuff. Also that they shouldn't seek a girl from outside but should rather be accepting towards any local girl who wants to be married. That haste never let anybody anywhere. 

She said, 'I feel so good after talking to you. My heart has flowers blossoming all of a sudden'. 

Lol! Imagine her son wanted to go to Delhi to buy helium balloons to sell them here. I told him, he need not go. That he can get those things on whole sale just with a contact.

All kinds of people. She derived a promise anyway out of me to visit them atleast once again before leaving. 

Anyway, that anchor guy and I walked back to finish our Parikrama, not even smoking by the roadside though. Lol! 

I had got late for all temples last evening. The few temples am used to visiting everyday, when I entered in, he had the audacity to comment something weird about it. I felt extremely angry. And felt immediately that he was wasting my time. That I had already given him almost two hours and he had no right to comment upon me going to any temple or my faith or my time. So I finished the parikrama with him politely, read out a self written poem that I had promised and left as soon as possible.

Later I had an option to visit either of my other two friends but I didn't go anywhere. Instead first played by the ghat for a long time for myself and later spent nice time in the cafe upstairs. Had dinner right with an almost full moon on rooftop and played again for the moon. Night was a bit long but I did something or the other to finally pass out for a long long sleep. 

Oh, it has been raining for past 20 minutes and I have opened the doors of my portico. The entire lake dances when it rains over here. 

I have dragged my chair near the door and three wet pigeons are right in front of me also looking at the poring sky upon lake and its shores. 

The tiny 'kunds' on all four corners become all the more prettier when it rain for all the flower petals in then dance with the rain drops creating tiny round ripples all around and it seems so holy and magical.

Oh, it's a heavy rain and so so magical. What say? Wanna take a bath? But rain here in Pushkar just stops suddenly. Then it drizzles or there is breeze or even sun all of sudden. It's not as trustworthy in terms of longeitivity. But for now, it's quite heavy. And so so lovely. 

A few rain drops are also managing to sprinkle upon me and am loving it. Oh, this cold breeze and chilly rain. I have mild goosebumps and it feels epic this way. 

1:01

Alright my love! Will take your leave now. You know I have to be successful and find my path, that too like right now! It's high time. And it's the right time. Help me love! Be with me. This is my time. This is our time.

Loads of love!

Mmmmmuuuuaaah

.............

September 21st, 2021

Hey 6 AM

A very good morning and that too way spontaneous one. I have a spectacular view in front of me - the time of dawn! 

Last night was so crazy that I just couldn't go back. And even here that I have reached so randomly at this ghat. I have planning to go for a parikrama for so long along with you. Cosmos had to choose the hard way it seems for I wouldn't have left my comfort zone otherwise. 

I have a bright blue sky filled with purple clouds right across. Sunrise will happen towards my left. I am at Jagannath Ghat - totally unplanned and the story I'll tell you bit by bit. For now, let's live the moment. Although, I would love appreciate an epic time I just had before our meet at a new hostel where a friend of mine is staying. I was locked outside and had no place to stay so he called me there and not only I got a large open space but his company. We played TT for hours and then had a great conversation for almost an hour. And all happy, here I am with mild morning bells ringing all around and I willing to merge in the blues of the lake, the sky, along with you. Can you listen to the morning sounds?? The cuckookookoookoo.... The musical melody .. mild splashes of fishes, chirping of the birds... Few crows .. the night lights are still turned on. So it's dawn. 

There are clouds all above and around... Even below - as a reflection in the lake. There is a damp smell in the air. 

What say? Let's begin our parikrama. We'll keep moving. 

Oh, this Jagannath Ghat has an ancient house behind me. Ofcourse temples beside. And those windowed common rooms for anyone to sit inside and have the lake's view. 

Oh, just saw a white bird. I love these. They make the entire place - fairy like. 

Let's go yo!! 

Ok, so now am sitting upon 'Mukti Ghat'. This is where I used to learn Nagada. Maybe this is a place where I've sat the most. I told Mahabharata and Krishna leela to a friend here. I met a girl with crazy emotions and feelings over here. I played Ukulele over here for the first time. I met Nathulal ji here and hence got a reason to stay in Pushkar for next two weeks. Maybe that's why they came into my life. To give me a reason to stay to my otherwise wandering soul. Those Nagada sessions were truly meditative, no matter how the experience turned on later on. 

Oh, another white bird. And I can see the gurudwara - all white in color from here. That's one place I wish to go to as well. Also the mountain opposite to me is Naag-pahaad. Loads of snakes live there and during rainy season they come to the lake along with rain water. 

Let's keep moving on! 

Passing by Badri ghat. Loads of people take a bath here. 

It's from this ghat that I went to my friend's hostel last night at 3:30. And I realised, there are actually more lanes to explore here in Pushkar like Banaras. 

Moving on!

Just captured a rare bird at Bhadavar ghat. 

And now we are at Vishram Ghat.

 They have a beautiful Jhulelal temple over here. Since am sindhi, it means all the more to me. I could connect to my ancestors when I went inside. Also I loved their way of construction with their personal cave with an arrangement of water for Jhulelal. 

And this is Varah ghat! In the background is my first house and my closed room. 

It is at this ghat that mostly people take a bath early morning except Bhramma ghat and Badri ghat. This ghat is most visible to me from my portico. So I won't spend much time here. 

Check out these white birds. They are always here - the ducks and cranes. 

I captured 108 Mahavev ghat for my love for Shiva. 

Chandra and Indra ghats - I find them way trippy. There is a kind of gothic feel to it for they are full of cats and birds. 

So many people are bathing here though at this time. I had never seen these ghats as full. 

This is Gwalior ghat. 

This is where I chilled with my friends the other day - just listening to music, talking about this or that. I had no idea about a hidden 'jharonkha' upstairs. It was quite a great find. 

Oh, check out this round shaped structure. 

This is where I befriended many people. Also the place where I often come to spend time alone or play. It has a superb echo and sound effect to it. 

So, I have reached Sunset point.

 This is where I come for my evening jam sessions these days. It is rare to find it as empty and with as much of light. Usually it's filled with both regulars and tourists. Evenings, even few nights are quite eventful here despite of these lockdown times. 

Oh, right across the bridge I can see so many orange robed saints praying sitting beside the lake. Will try to take a closer shot. For now, check out this bridge that takes one to the other side of the Parikrama.

This is Jaipur ghat. 

Here, inside this Jharokha that I had a poetry reading session along with my friends. Even a singing session. That was great. Also, here that I taught a bit of Ukulele to few kids. 

And this is the other side of the bridge. Also equally spectacular. 

But I guess, the water is not as clear. 

Oh, the saints have all stood up. Guess they are done with their prayers. 

And here we are to the other side of the bridge. Oh, I just turned around and noticed this gurudwara for the first time from this angle.

Looks spectacular!!! 

Oh, this is where the band Raahgir played. 

That was quite an evening I must say. Specially the grey and dark blue sky and orange clouds reflecting in it. 

And now we are at a shotu sa temple where I always go.

I simply never noticed that even the ghat is called Shiva ghat. 

This is Jodhpur ghat. 

There's a Shani temple upstairs over here where women are not allowed. 

Also the place is quite trippy. Full of chirpy bats. 

This is Krishna Ghat. 

Even I am noticing it that well for the first time. It has such serenity about it. So much of peace. There's a tree right beside a cute and tiny temple. 

Sitting over here, I can hear so many birds chirping all sweetly. 

Also Gayatri temple is right opposite to me from here. 

Right now am at Sikar ghar. I laughed so much last night over here along with two of my friends. One will leave for Delhi today. He's the one who took me in last night. Oh, by the way this ghat has a cafe with a giant Shiva's tapestry. The owner has also put his own photo below a waterfall - in the same tapestry. It's quite funny. The same owner has another cafe on the opposite ghat. He's the one who had asked me to be an Israili for him the first time he met him. Alright, let's go.

There are four corners in four directions of the lake. We have reached the forth one. 

It is here that I wanted to reach the moment I decided today to write upon the ghat. Not that I had much of a choice. But the choice of spot was totally mine. I even walked a bit meaning to reach here in time. Then decided to take the entire parikrama instead. And that's how we met had met randomly at Jagannath Ghat. But finally we have reached here. It's between Kota ghat and Tantuvaay vaishya ghat. This one remains quite solitary. Hardly anyone sits here. I love the peace and isolation it offers. Whenever I have to leave the world these days, I come over here and sit. Oh, btw that anchor guy... With him I had spent say half an hour over here - talking about the art of writing. He was so glad after listening to my tips that he made a promise to me that whenever he would write and if he would ever write, I would be the first one to read it. 

I'm a little bit hungry as well by now. And after having few real yum teas in the kirtan last night, I think I no more detest it as much. But that could have been the impact of sound energy and bhakti as well. After all, it was prasadam. I shouldn't have left the namkeen as well that I had got as prasad. It could have been a savior at a distant spot and moment like right now. But I did have three imartis which were real sweet and extremely tasty. They too were prasad right! I so loved Imaratis. I think it was the first time I was tasting them calling them by that name. 

Oh, it's so peaceful over here. Just a look across is crazy, for the Bhrama ghat seems so full of people - all dressed in multi colors. Yet, let's keep going. Right? 

Alright! Let's keep moving. I feel a bit tired after staying outside for more than 17 hours. 

We are making an exit from Kalyan ghat for there is a barrier upon the ghats. 

It is drizzling a bit. Hope it doesn't begin to rain as soon.

Alright! We have entered the ghat back from Tarini ghat. It is always full of cows.

So, we just crossed Bhramma ghat, Bhramma Savitri ghat - all flooded with people doing morning rituals. 

And this one here is another favorite Shiva temple of mine. 

It's at Hada ghar. 

Hey, check out the sun has risen somewhere behind the clouds. It's a fusion of drizzle and sun right now. 

I noticed Amarnath ghat and Sheetla ghat for the first time today. See! 

And here we are at Gau ghat. 

Few very ancient Shivalingams are kept here. 

Do you know Mahatma Gandhi and Lal bahadur Shastri's bones were given oven here to the Pushkar lake. People donate cows over here as well. 

Oh, last night, it was here that I had taken a mild halt to think about where to go when my guest house had got closed and I didn't wish to go and be inside a closed room at any of my friends' guest houses on a full moon night.

And finally, we covered the main Pushkar raj temple. Along with Morning aarti. Here, take the blessings.

Oh, I just found a v. Cute Shiva temple. 

It is here that last evening after coming back from a friend's guest house, where I was making a wall painting the entire afternoon and evening; that I had come to rest - to listen to the music coming from some cafe around and to feel the full moon. 

And suddenly that I realise that this is indeed Jagannath Ghat. Our Parikrama is complete my love. The day has gained so many colors. Wanna see? 

Alright my love! Doesn't it feel so so epic to have our first parikrama together???

To me it means a lot. It's 7:50 already. And we haven't even talked about anything else but Parikrama. Yet somehow everything got connected. I will also attest a poem I wrote last night here itself. 

Am tired now. Most probably will go for tea or coffee somewhere. Will meet you tomorrow my love. 

Love you a lot. 

Avuar

Mmmmuuuuaaah 

 

.......

September 23,21

07:06

Goodmorning my darling six. Loads and loads of love. First of all I'm sorry for not being able to meet last morning. I remained sleeping despite of so many alarms. By the time I woke up, it was way too late. Even today, see, we have met late by one hour. Atleast we are meeting and I'm glad about it.

Oh, I had a piece of a giant fruit plump cake in my dream Just now so am partially also craving for it right away. Also that am extremely sleepy.

 ........

September 24th, 

Dear Six, yo!! For the first time we are meeting in your PM form. I just couldn't get up and ensure us for last three mornings properly and I was so missing us. 

It's a beautiful sunset happening right between my legs for am lying in the cafe above my guest house and the lake below is filled with the evening hues of red and gold. The Naga mountains stand tall beside below the cloudy red and and sky blue. Mounts are turning into silhouettes while the Sun through clouds is spreading its gold on either ways. Many birds are flying in groups and herds - destination unknown, maybe to their respective homes. 

I am so much into this moment noticing the breeze upon the surface of the orange lake, the clouds spreads like cute snowflakes, the blues in the background, the sun spreading its round. 

It's a De-ja-vous moment!!

So much of peace in it. No hurry to get up and reach anywhere. To anxiety to do anything or become someone. Right now, it's just peace somehow. 

I had a night long devotional event last night in some temple. We all sang bhajans and the music was ecstatic and transcendental.

Had an extremely long sleep where I was writing to you in my dreams. Am having so many vivid dreams these days. In one of them I had hugged my brother from my heart - a long meaningful embrace - maybe bridging any differences. 

Oh, this moment is seriously epic. The red and gold of the sun. 

The birds are chirping beside - do many tiny black birds. Dogs outside also seem suddenly active.

It's maybe the first evening in a long time that I am not outside. Instead am simply here - at peace with my now. Totally in my my now. The sun is getting more and more red as its reaching the closer to the depths of the horizon.

6:15

Bye bye sun! It's the last dot. And there it's gone. Though behind those blocks of ancient buildings, it's still there - like a kid with naughty sparkle in his eyes - playing hide and seek.

And the ambience all around is suddenly light purple, pink, light blue, faded orange - fused with white and light grey. Such angelic shades. 

And there's epic music going on for past two hours. I came in a pajama and open necked black tee in afternoon to maybe have tea and then begin the day. But oh, I just loved it here and decided to not really rush about the day like every evening but instead be - just here. Though a washed face would have been better. I have learned, when I dress well and look well, even life turns out well. But I also attract lot of unwanted energy. Today is a day for self. No social expectations. Just chill in this extraordinary beautiful place and energy. It feels unreal! Dude! Am in Pushkar. 

And this moment is oh so epic. With nothing extraordinary but a heart hundred percent in the moment. No extra emotion or expression. Just plain and blank. Totally in peace. 

And friends are all around. Acquaintances but also friends - for they are so understanding about my need to be with self right now. Different tables, knowns, yet they have their backs towards me - for after meetings and salutations, my gestured asked them for space. And they very politely understood it and respected it. 

Oh, am thankful to you dear Cosmos for such peace! It's so fulfilling. So so perfect and pretty. 

The sky is blue with brush strokes of orange and goldish red. 

The night lights have been turned on below upon the ghats. Wisps of evening breeze is still erotic for my skin. And this romantic music in the background. 

Thank you dear Six for making my life so beautiful and manifesting it with so much of peace. It's core delight and filled with so much of peace. 

As if I have taken a ton of marijuana and have reached Himalayas. 

Just here, alive, breathing free. Free from all anxieties. Free from thoughts or fears. Just here, living, breathing free. 

So like this Pushkar lake beside which I have been living for last 27 days. With breeze playing with my inner state. So many unique creatures living in it. With a heart like temple through which I pray and feel thankful and sing and play - the humdrums of bells - sending vibrations of joy and intensity all around. 

Each day am getting more and more confident, more at peace with my inner state, more raw, better musically. 

And though there are sunny days and rainy days. Though there are attention filled days and simply ways. But I be here, at one with my inner state. So like the Pushkar lake. 

And evening bells are now being tolled for the aarti and prayers. By seven the main Bhramma ghat aarti will begin. Right now it's the time of Aarti for Varah ghat where I stay. 

The cafes everywhere stop their music respecting these processions. 

Oh, I am so much into music. Maybe that was one of the main reasons for halting me here. 

A guy is banging some furniture here all of a sudden. It was equally banging for my ears. 

And the music has resumed. Along with bells below. Along with banging. Lol! It's a psy trip. All these sounds took their turns and then joined into a collective sound. 

6:34

So, how have my days been going? Quite well I suppose. Nothing extraordinary to boast about. Oh that old connection but new friend did meet me. I had hoped for him to be better. But I guess we were both used to a certain level of intimacy. That felt good actually, but the fact that he still didn't understand the need for my space. For he didn't leave me for so many hours straight the moment we met. I told him to go dress up at his place in the evening but no. We did go to a new place but so late. It was like a momentary window in a day long imprisonment. I was too tired the morning I met. So I anyway passed out. He stayed. I didn't mind. Evening was fine too for we went out. It was by dusk that I lost it. For he took me to his hostel and wanted to hold my hand or something as we were chilling on his rooftop. I suddenly realised I was wasting my time doing nothing. And I was concious of his friends looking down at us from his friend's cafe in the building beside. 

I suddenly felt how I had got myself into the same situation again. And then, without even my invitation, he packed his bag to come stay with me on his own. I couldn't say No. But wasn't really in any mood for it. We went for a parikrama but he was no fun, simply doing it for the heck of it. I couldn't chill. Plus, I was bothered about how my guest house people would react for they are not really fond of him. All that wouldn't have bothered me as much, had I been enjoying myself. I wasn't. 

We later had a few drinks in my room but conversations were way boring so I passed out again and woke up very late. He kept waiting for me to get up. Finally I woke up and didn't like how he came towards my side of the bed, took the liberty to simply sit there and smoke a cigarette. He had worn the same shorts everywhere last night. My bed us the most sacred place for me. Although, he had the entire bed, despite of the fact that he had not even taken a bath after our ride, I didn't mind. The little space I wanted clean, he had to come and sit there. 

Maybe I have become so fussy. Maybe it was my inner guide asking me to stay away. There is something innocent about him still that I give in to when we meet. But I don't really enjoy kuch his company. 

Oh, the evening star. Sky is blue and grey. The pale yellow buildings are being complimented by yellow and neon lights. 

The genre of music has also changed. It's so great today for a change. Unlike the usual same monotonous ambient music they play - that seems like sounds on a loop. Not today. Today, it's chilled out, just like my inner state and just like the weather. 

What say? Tea? Maybe!!

Though today should be different. Again this urge to make something special of each day. 

Today, is a chill day. The dusk is becoming even bluer with yellow and white lights spreading leisurely upon the surface of the lake - claiming their space and place for next few hours - up until the morning - when Sun will once again come and it's light will overcome their artificial glitter. 

Alright my love! It's too late for us to continue. Ours is the time of dawn. This is an extraordinary exception. 

Loads of love!!! 

Love and light!!! 

Mmmmmmuuuuuaaahhhhh

............

Sept 25, 21

Good morning my dear Six

 Oh, it's been days, we have met on time. Here I am - all bare with my soul with eyes half closed, in between deep sleep and wakefullness, in a transparent one piece out of which my my bosom peeps from my core. Oh, I missed us. 

Wait, let me wash my face to be more awake.

6:10

Am back yo! With my face washed, mouth rinsed and even went for a spliff of breeze in my portico to absorb the blues and the moon.

So, how are you? Really! It feels great to finally get up on time. I did wait till the last minute to finally meet you. Only then that I opened my eyes and in a split got out of my dreams. Though I was reading a book till 3:30 I suppose but the long long sleep I had last entire morning till noon, well compensated and ensured that we meet this morning.

So, the book I was engaged in is called 'So many selves'. It was written by some middle aged woman who recounted three different timelines of her own life and called them many selves. As per her, we keep changing and therefore live many lives in the same life. I totally agree on that.

First segment was about her teenage life where she was quite close with her bestie and together they not wrote many songs but we're gutsy enough to go out, do busking, challenge authorities, rebel against her bestie's family's disapproval, perform in different cafes and stages and gain independence from a very young age. They were hippies despite of being raised in an overtly concious Australian ambience. They were school drop outs despite of being extremely intelligent and a digger for new words, quotes. They became popular musicians. But the writer was more of an introvert unlike her bestie who loved being extrovert. As they began to get famous, she couldn't handle celibracy for she could see that their own authenticity, connection, life and naturalness was the cost. Yet her friend could utilise all the attention they received and loved it all. Later they even published a book together recounting their real time teenage experiences aabout how guys always tried on them. How even if they were sensible and talented, yet to gain respect and be taken seriously by the society wasn't possible or easy. How men of all age and sizes took it to be their birth right to see them as but a cleevages and buttocks instead of getting to know what was beyond physical. They wrote about their first time sex, how it wasn't really pleasurable, how life in their neighborhood was more about looks and appearances may it be sports or connections. 

Their book called 'Puberty blues' though became an instant hit but in a negative sort of way. The society wasn't ready to accept this side of teenage. They simply pointed these two girls as characterless to save themselves from having to accept this side of their own kids.

Later their book was converted into a movie where the media people were overtly nice to them, interviewed them, (including a producer that saw as their godmother - so nice she seemed) (and a director - who they saw as a genuine friend - for he was an exception who respected them enough to ask sensible questions and not just hit upon them or ask them gross questions) yet they all betrayed them one way or the other. The producer made them sign a contract to make a movie on them but only gave them peanuts once it was released, and the producer edited and scripted all interviews ultimately degrading all those sensible interviews into two adulturous teenagers and their adventures.

Plus, the defame that they both received if not much money, led them so many offers from men of all ages including married ones - eager to make them believe how they were unhappy in their own marriages but found in them a friend, somehow fulfilling their need for attention or understanding yet ultimately being a disappointment. Many even mistook them to be lesbos. Many called them for interviews in their hotels expecting them to be on bed with them for what was the use of being a rebelious girl out in the market if you couldn't offer any relief to men. 

Plus, they way their friendship, music and originality got affected by all this fame. For all of sudden, their life or creativity wasn't for fun or the love of it; it had all become a product - to be sold in the market.

While her friend was willing to be fake and live under a mask to gain al lthat stardom, so much was her need for attention deep rooted in her family's disapproval of who she was; the writer instead wanted to be real.

And that became the reason for them to split up after nine years of friendship where finally she bid bye to stardom, friendship and her teenage self.

In the next section she explored religion in Ireland. She realised that despite of considering herself to be from an atheist family, all her life she had rather been raised in a protestant family  and neighbourhood. She detested this need for control over any desire. Though she preferred Catholicism in Ireland and hanged out with her new friends in so many pubs at a place called 'Dire' yet it seemed to her a betrayal for it was always about black and white, one side or another (in her mind). It was by reading a book by saint Terresa that she got inclined towards spirituality and later found out a spiritual mentor for herself. She went and resided in a catholic Church which had a father and brothers and learned to not detest any pre - awareness state or have any either or. That physical and metaphysical were indeed connected. That body and soul went side by side. That mind, soul and body all worked simultaneously. That though Catholicism had its own shortcomings but it welcomed all without judgements of class, color, or status. She still couldn't decide which side she wanted to be, but valued the wisdom and peace she received in that monastery and decided to remain a skeptic while continuing the spiritual practices she had learned from the book by St. Terressa.

The third self had her visiting Mexico where her desire to embrace another culture was so strong that she fell in love with an uneducated yet rebellious young guy in a village who used to make masks for their annual festivals and was strong enough to be proud of his own language and culture unlike other converted villagers who had repressed their native language and practices of pre-christian phase. The writer absolutely loved the simple life that the village offered and for an year or two was totally taken by the fresh fruits, the smell of Home grown coffee beans and aromas of chilly. So much influenced was she that she even became pregnant with that guy's kid. It's much later she realised, how she wasn't really accepted by the family for she was never invited to their family home and that he had another wife back at home where was his cousin's widow and together they even had a child. The writer however after many fights and stuff decided to stay for the sake of her child but within first two years she realised that her mexican love wasn't at all compatible. That even though she had invested her own money for him to buy land (since she wasn't allowed to own a land their), she couldn't really get him to open up with any amount of love. For in Mexico, psychology or opening up was considered a weekness. That men stayed closed with their emotions or expressions and it was women who were low and opened up sexually or at the time of giving birth or during conversations. She missed her own language, country and comforts. And she missed her status, all the whiteness she always tried to run from. It was when she saw her two year old daughter catching worms again which was normal for kids over there, that she finally decided to move. And there she came back to Australia deciding to become a single mother.

Towards end she says how she has rather lived many other selves, has indeed left many ex husbands and two daughters... And she can call them her destiny or journey or even simple mistakes. And that she accepts them but she doesn't regret them.

Oh, I could relate with the book at so many levels. Specially the first phase where how she was received in society, her struggle with it. Hwo she wanted to be respected for her sense and sensibility; instead again and again it always was dragged to her body.

How she was against any injustice. Her struggle with bring too idealistic. Her various desires and being a die hard romantic - so much so to leave practicality aside and simply float in a moment or emotion. It was quite a writing I'll say. Specially the first part.

Haah! I told you an entire book in not even an hour. Though there were so many places in the first section that I felt like highlighting - so much I related to them. But it's not my book. So I let it be as it is. Not everyone likes underlined books. Though I love a book that has been marked. It shows human connection to it. It also showed the week and strong spots of both the book and any reader who connected with it.

All my own books have so many segments - underlined or highlighted in some way with even a comment or two or sometimes emoticons in the margins.

I was so aroused this morning as I had woken up. And I spent all this time telling you this story that I lost touch with my present instead was all taken back to the world of that book. That's the power of any narrative. It makes one travel. 

What say? Wanna continue our meet or is this enough? Lol! 

Anything seems not so important after this long a story. Cool then! Let's meet tomorrow.

Loads of love!

Mmmmuuuaaah 

..........

September 26th,

Hey my love!!! A v. Good morning.... Mmmmuuuuaaah!

It's 6:36

And I just randomly woke up to check out the time and I realised - oh, it's our time. 

I think I thought of so many things while writing but with my closed eyes, it only got registed in some dream notebook of mine.

Alright my love. Would rather sleep right now. Love you.

MmmmmaaaHhhh

................

September 27

Goodmorning my love! It's still 5:51 but I simply can't wait. I finally did it. Just had a bath in Pushkar lake, that too at Bhramma ghat. It took me a month to finally gather the guts and go for it. It's a Monday, my Shiva's day so I had decided from last one or two days. Plus, during all my Parikramas though I had seen so many bathing at so many ghats but there was this one girl (an adolescent) who was bathing at Bhramma ghat secured by a yellow rope and really enjoying along with her dad. It just seemed the safest to me and there only that I had decided that if I would be taking a bath, it would be there. That's anyway the most auspicious one.

And since am staying at Varah ghat, people come to take baths here as early as 4 AM. It was few devotees who inspired me even today and I was anyway awake.

And though I had decided to quickly go down, bath here itself but one there was no rope by the main lake and secondly, a priest rather recommended me the corner pool which is comparatively safer and is filled with fresh water everyday. I though wanted the authentic experience with the lake's main water that gets prayed to and not the fresh one that is yet to gather the energy.

Oh, the feeling was surreal. Though I was a bit scared initially, I don't know of what. But with each step I gained strength. To my surprise there was none taking a bath there on that popular ghat when I went there. And the moment I let myself be in the lake, with my head falling down right into the lake, letting the Jal embrace me from either sides (just the way I be with Ganga), that was it. I took three dips... One backward and two forward. Then I prayed, almost got tears, repented, hoped, conversed - all in my prayers. And by the end of it, it felt extremely light. I had let myself be free - waving along with the waves caused by breeze. It felt so so light and so much synched was I with the wind and water and ofcourse the universal energies. I finished the bath with one last dip backwards. That's when a little water entered my nostrils and made me cough a bit.

And then I half walked, half ran all the way till 'Varah', back to my room. My wet locks waving with the wind - all the way back. And I felt so so free. 

6:03

Hey Six! Welcome my love! So, now that we've been already chatting, how does it feel to have me so fresh, even wet, with my locks and spirit open and alive?? It's rare for you know. Lol! It's just that usually I sleep by your time. It's the first time am trying to ensure this early or this late. Even 5 was divine. You become a bit difficult but all best things take efforts.

I have lit an incense stick in the room. The room is all aromatic. And even electricity is back. So it feels better to be in this room. 

I just farted and contradicted my own words and vibes! Huh! Just yesterday that I learned about it - it's a Karm-indri. Say our ass doesn't have a mind of its own. It simply functions.

This brings me to the real thing I so wanted to share with you love.

So last evening, I chance landed into a temple which I usually find closed during my Parikramas. Something within pulled me inside and initially I stopped at the main gate for a priest was performing aarti right there, and then I somehow got bold enough to enter in - all the way till Garbh grah. There was a pretty temple of Krishna and Radha with gold walls all around. I don't know if it was real gold or simply the color but, I could connect to Krishna energy after a long time and could ask for forgiveness for my conduct back in Balaji. Then I still heard sounds of drums and aarti in the same vicinity only to reach a Shiva temple right beside. It was so plain with nothing but two marbled 'Samadhis' and a tiny shivling in front of which a priest with long dreaded hair tied in a bun, was doing an aarti. There was an electronic machine used to play drums in the background. And only four or five people were standing politely all taken by the aarti. So much enchanted was I by it all that I too prayed with my eyes closed and stood there until the end of the aarti. He later dropped all the residual ash, oil and fire in an 'agni kund' which seemed so familiar for the fire reminded me of Himachal and the place seemed so cosy, simple and own. Anyway, the aarti was over and I began to walk out that a guy told me that their 'Gurumaata' was calling me. Surprised I went back only to realise that a simply lady who was meditating all this ehile in the verranda in the centre was indeed their gurumaata and she wanted to talk to me. She directly asked me 'btaiye aapki kya seva karein?' (what can we do for you?)

I was a bit aghast yet replied politely, 'mujhe gyaan dijiye' (Give me knowledge/wisdom). She smiled and thence began a deep conversation first with her, then her husband (who was the priest doing that aarti earlier) and later their main guru (who was a wander soul, big time into carving real time Veenas, playing Veena and composing his own bhajans wherever he went).

She and I talked about how faith and love is essential. She insisted big time upon the value of good karma. That whoever does bad karma would have to repent. That one should always do what is right and good. That just with love and faith, anything can be done. Plus, she brought back my Meera energy to me.

Her husband told multiple stories at different instances. He was the main translater as well when their guru was giving me so much of wisdom. He told me the story of Sehdev who was initially a parrot's rotton egg and while Shiva had to give Shakti the wisdom of Vedas, though he stopped time and made all creatures vanish from his energy yet this one egg didn't get vanished and instead turned into a healthy egg since Shiva was narrating the wisdom of Amar....veda to Shakti. This parrot baby hatched in the process and not only heard the wisdom but also was sly enough to respond to Shiva pretending to be Shakti when she had fallen asleep just to be able to get the entire narrative. Shiva on realising it, got enraged for in a way he had stolen the knowledge. The parrot immediately took a flight in order to escape but Shiva too turned into an eagle to kill him. Parrot saw Vedvyaas's wife and entered through her mouth into her womb. For 12 years Shiva kept on waiting for him outside to kill him but the parrot didn't come out. Though Vedvyaas's wife could feel someone chanting Vedas inside but she couldn't realise it to be a parrot. Ultimately Shiva promised the parrot that he would spare his life and would rather give me more knowledge in order to spread it in the world. The parrot then turned into their baby and took birth as their son - as Sahdev. For thousands of years that he did Tapasya and when he reached baikunth, Vishnu asked him - all your hard work is commendable, but who is your guru?? On what account should I move you to the next level?  You can't be your own judge. Sahdev then had to go back again looking for a Guru.

And that's how they all again and again insisted upon having a guru in life. 'Someone to not only guide you, but check your progress and later certify your learnings'. 'Someone who becomes the light at the time of darkness'.

It was however with their main guru that I had the most fascinating conversation. He told me so many things about God and humans. That 'Rama' too is of four types. One that is in every atom. One the human form - Janak's son. One the supernatural. And one that can't be seen - was always there, will always be. Yet was never there. Is not here. Won't ever be.

To which the other priest said that God is rather 'Nirakar'. Had no real shape, form or type. That it can never be seen. That the real name of God is 'Satchittanand' which means Satya (Truth), chitta (chetan or consciousness) and anand (joy).

Main guru then sang a self composed bhajan which meant that just with the presence of God or guru, one can come out of Karmas or the 84 lakhs births. And he explained the distinction between different kinds of births - few lakhs as insects, few lakhs as four legged creatures, few lakhs as 'vanaspati' (flora), few laks as elements and finally our births as humans.

And then he told about human anatomy. That we all are made up of five elements. Each element consists of five sensory organs and five functional organs. (gyanendriyan and karmendriyaan). Example, ether (Aakash tatva) lives in between the eyes and uses ears, nose and even eyes. That listening, smelling, seeing is all controlled by it. That fire stays in eyes, has color red, and is affected by a small pouch in our body called 'pitta' (I assumed it to be gall-bladder) but he said that it's filled with poison and can make one behave in any way when in anger. That people can even kill their own people when being controlled by Pitta.

Water he said not only controlled tongue (muh mein paani aa jana) but also birth (sexual organs), blood and sweat. Earth he said controlled skin, bones etc. 

He said, in a child, father being the Ether gives hair, nails and bones. Skin and veins however are of mother. Mother is the earth. 

We all jammed so much, sang so many bhajans, exchanged so much of information and many others also took a seat beside and listened and contributed however they felt right. 

It was so so soulful and I was totally mystified. I even asked the guru to teach me Veena for I thought of Meera and felt this urge to learn an instrument from him. But he said, he kept traveling. That it wasn't his permanent base.

They all appreciated my grasping power. They said, they were sure that I had met God many times for so deep was the love in my soul - all visible to them. Yet the power to identify God comes when one has a guru. They gave an example of a vulture and a swan. That a vulture preys and eats anything but a swan is sensible and knows what is good and what is not and therefore gets to have pearls. 

Gurumaata said, people keep looking for wealth or power or something or the other; while they forget that this life is the real diamond. That being alive is the real wealth.

It was truly incredible being there with them. I left all smiling, no more tormented by trivial worries like I have no digital cash left anymore to get my phone recharged or how would I meet the expenses of my stay further or what should I do about my life or career, or now that I have stepped out of my home and don't want to depend upon anyone (for that always needs something in return and often the cost is way more or totally unacceptable like my freedom or dignity or even worst ignorant company), or the personal issues or this need for action or the mind's constant struggle with being stubborn about doing what seems right, or having to face a lusty, greedy world... Etc. Etc...

I was suddenly free of it all. Everything. And I felt free, light. With the light of faith once again shining brightly with in me.

I had always only relied upon cosmos and God. Whom am I looking for now? I have faith and I have love. And my Karmas are good. To even cleanse myself of any mistakes, I even had a bath, repenting whatever came to my mind.

Though few mistakes are unforgivable. But I still hope that God forgives me for the things even I can't forgive myself for.

And I hope for a life full of love, faith.... I want to be Satchittanand. I wish I attract right energies and I don't have to deal with situations or people with I'll intentions. Or even if I do, I hope, like Pandavas, I also only ask for God's support and presence in my life and not seek material or worldly benefits like Kaurvas. Not like I don't want to be successful. I do. There are so many dreams that I have. So much that I must do for the different arts am blessed with. But 'nirmalta' of soul is essential. I hope I maintain that.

Maybe taking a bath in the lake this morning, provided just that. This getting free after such a long time, absorbing the holy water deep into my soul, getting rid of all that is not helpful in my life energetically, connecting to my ancestors, praying with my most honest self and finally running free with water and wind in my locks, clothes dripping wet and I - a new person standing in front of Pushkar-raj temple for a bit only to again run dripping wet still walking gracefully in between finally reaching my room and here I am, in a clean white crop top and clean blue shorts with floral print.

It feels divine. So light. So free.

I love you my love. You have been so magical and epic to have healed me. 

Alright my love! Will take your leave now. Hopefully we also get to go to Gayatri temple in one of our meets. 

P.S. I picked up a Daniel Steel's book after a long time. Finished it in one night. It was called 'Granny Dan'. Had the story of a girl's grandmother's youth. Who was a bellerina long long ago in Russia and had a glorious life full of tsars and a real love, but had to leave it all at the time of Russian revolution and become an alltogether new person, carrying all her secrets till her death at age 90 ... Later discovered by her granddaughter whose biggest regret was to have known her cool granny's lifestory earlier who had lived nothing less of a fairy tale in her youth yet was always her old cosy granny for her who baked cookies while rolling upon her skates and told her stories but never really reveled her lost identity or the cost of it.

Kind of cliched - the plot. Yet, I never regret a Danielle Steel's work. It just transcends me to another land, fills me with the adventures of the long timeline her female protagonists undergo and satisfy the teenager in me with words like ballet, angels, fairies, cakes, cookies, gowns, bosom, slim waist, ships, journey, prince, eyes full of love, dances, trust, etc. Etc.

Alright my love. This time really bye. Though I can go on about my days these days. Still sucky sudden dates. Or lucky meets with elements. My coming back to my love for Jal. The early morning glimpse of Moon with a halo of blue furthered surrounded by clouds. Lol.

See you tomorrow. 

Love you 

Mmmmmmmmuuuuuaaaah

And a long long love making session with you with I kissing every pore of you and opening up totally to you and you filling me up with crazy passion and deep deep healing and love!

Mmmmmuuuah

........

Sept. 28,21

Goodmorning my love, my darling Six. Wait. Let me wash my face and be back.

6:11

Alright yo! Am back. Kind of fresh. Today for the first time I woke up for our meet on my own with out even an alarm - that too fifteen minutes before.

But I was dreaming about M, so I just decided to keep my eyes close and be in that world a bit more.

For the first time in life or dreams, M not only valued my presence but called me right upon stage where he was performing. I was telling someone behind at that time with even my mom present over there, that I really loved him and still do. It is just at that point that he began to sing a song I liked and called me during it taking my name, handed a mike to me and together we sang. 

Oh, even in dream it was enthralling. 

Its weird how when we try to move on from someone or something, that's when it pulls us the most. Not like I keep thinking about him. Rather I had totally convinced my self that he was in no way compatible to me, that he never respected me and had always played with my emotions. That in all my dreams about him, he had always run away from me. And last time we had met, he even dared to boast about his affair and rather tease me about it. And I had really finally moved on to no more give him another thought or emotion - so much so that all my love, emotions kind of went along with that chapter of my life. 

Yesterday I was thinking of creating a show format fusing the love poetry I had written for him and various songs. I realised, that's the only time that I had felt love with that extreme an intensity. That it would rather be lie if I'm gonna try to write any romantic poetry in present time. 

Later, because of a fucked up day and that chep ass of an old friend here living under fake identity, who had the audacity to come right into the cafe upstairs knowing fully well that it would upset me; I got way disturbed. All my nerves fluctuate with anger moment I see him. So I had to unwillingly go down and seek peace in an isolated place. Where another phone call reminded me of my issues at home and financial concerns. And as I was trying to find my voice back along with ukulele that a voice of live music came from a cafe from bang opposite ghat. For an hour, I didn't go, yet kept experiencing the affect of a good live music still so powerful over me although the sound was distant and mild. My ears were totally tuned to that specific frequency. But I didn't want to go and reach there for all my life I had always followed music and had fallen for musicians leading me nowhere. I thought of my little progress in music so far and how much I so want to exceed in it. Though I was playing, yet the sounds of better voice along with well controlled guitar and drums kept on calling me. And that's when I thought of M. The last time we had a conversation, he had told me, I'll come wherever you would be on your birthday and meet and be with you. I knew those words meant nothing. He was just under a bad patch and was trying to appreciate the fact that I remembered and bothered to wish him.

Yet last night, that idea popped into my mind! What if it was him - here in Pushkar - trying to suprise me and pull me to him back with his music - just like he had done back in Manali - few years back.

My mind ofcourse knew that it wasn't true. Plus, I would have identified his voice even when I be dead. Yet just the idea pleased me a bit and also saddened me simultaneously.

Anyway, I kept sitting there, then without any energy or mood, decided to take a parikrama and atleast see who the musician was in real (hoping to meet some celeb, for the voice quality was great) and if nothing else, listen to some good music alongside my parikrama. The gig was happening in a cafe I wouldn't have anyway gone to, for the last time I had been there, I had told one of their staff members, that I would never enter in again because of their conduct. Anyway, I did catch a quick glimpse of the musician. None that I knew of. The music was great but not greater than my self esteem. And much more than that, I didn't wish to listen a list of popular music at that time. My heart was extremely heavy the entire evening. Although few of his chosen songs were even M's choice, rather many. And that connected me to both M and music. 

I had forgotten all about it by the time I was back and had a full power vrat special meal (for it was Monday and I was fasting) and after reading a book 'The dreaming stones' that I read only till first chapter, found it boring and decided to switch to another one called 'Airs and graces' by Erica James, which kept me going till a bit late I guess from an early night... I had passed out. Only to wake up to this dream of M along with many more. But that stayed so much so that I wrote today's entire blog just based on that. Lol.

Oh, I had decided to go to Gayatri temple this morning. I had thought of walking till there on my own and reach there by six and begin our session from that peak instead. But I completely forgot about it by morning. 

Oh my love, there are only two more meets left for us.

Hope it later teaches us something and adds on value of some kind. Hope our union becomes a timeless piece of healing for self and others. I don't know how, but I know somehow.

Today, I complete a month here in Pushkar. I mean ideally it would be completed at 12 tonight. That's when I had entered this land, dot at 12 on 28th of August - the eve of my birthday. And the next entire day, I.e, 29th, that was indeed my birthday, I was not at all happy. I didn't even cut a cake this time. And I was dumb enough to be with that ass of an old friend or foe I should say! I have so much anger for him now in me. Last evening, had he even said a word to me, I would have punched him hard upon his face. I had even worn my most protrude silver ring in my left hand, just to really hurt him. I wanted to insult him so bad that he never dared to fall on way again. Some love it seems. Why are such foolish people even there on earth???

He is like a dog, always wagging his tail and so so stupid. Even dogs are lovable and sensible. Not him. I simply don't respect him anymore. More he chases me, more I get angry and annoyed. And this time I can't even call his dad to complain about him for this time I myself was foolish enough to trust him.

If he won't mind his own business or visits me even once more, I will call the cops and won't even mind telling them that he sells drugs and has been tormenting me and should rather be behind bars. 

Aah! Why do I attract such obsessed psychos in my life? I so wish to have better collaborations. People with creativity in their veins and determination to do something. Not idlers with no softness, creativity, zeal or strength enough to pursue dreams. I dream big. And I do believe that I'll fulfill my dreams still. I work towards them. One day my karma, determination, not giving up, suffering is all gonna reward me - I believe.

I am really concerned about my expenses coming up. I don't know how would I manage. Although cosmos has always taken care of mine. I know something would be sorted. Just, I don't know how!

Plus, I am now really bored of Pushkar. I just don't know where to go next. It's forward that I want to move, not backwards. People have narrow mindsets here, all caught in their many lives. And though religion is hard core but how would I reach somewhere or do anything if I keep on doing satsang in various temples? And I just couldn't make any friends as well so far. A month gone and I have hardly explored places around; have no money to dig in and shop though there is quite a variety; have mostly eaten plain paranthas with real bad chai and have lived in the most expensive monthly rent of life so far! Even in Bangalore my entire flat's rent was 7k. Here it's 12k, along with sky rocket rates of food. And though the staff is sweet but they follow their head who is a divorcee and lame. He is extremely boring and sometimes visits me during afternoons trying to lure with tiny cups of tea. On asking for coffee, he says, there is no guy to make coffee right now. But tea then is made and brought by one of his boys. It's weird how people treat someone. And then he comes, yawns and not just bores me but also changes the entire energy of the room. Although, he could do it only thrice in a month that too happened out of curtosy the first time, then trying to build up and finally for he wanted to say sorry. But all three times, the afteraffect was really boring. Plus, last evening when that creep friend came upstairs, this guy who has all control over the cafe and guest house, (and also knows the entire story related to that creep), he came downstairs and says, 'Now I know the reason behind your expression. You can hide in my room if you want'.  What an ass and coward of a person. It was right of his wife to have left him. He couldn't even stand beside his own guest strongly and instead wanted me to hide and was rather looking for drama. What a shitty mind.

Such people though - are quite in ample over here. 

Anyway my love.... Too much of bitching. That too first thing in the morning. Lol! 

P.S. Have no data and even the wifi has not been working for past two days. So, I don't know when I'm gonna upload it. Also that friend who was about to visit a few days back is most probably coming soon.

Also, I so wish for a guy to magically appear in my life and treat me right. Or I wish to become so self sufficient that I don't attract such shitty guys in my life.

Ok then darling. See you tomorrow.

Love you!

Mmmmmuuuuaaahhh

.............

September 29th, 21

Hello 6 AM.

I had so wished and planned to meet you today outside Gayatri temple, spectating a dawn turned into a sunrise alongside. Rather, I stayed awake reading the book 'Airs and Graces' just so to be able to dress up and go at max by 4:30. It's 1.5 kms of road from where I stay and then a hike and I wanted to reach well on time. Yet, I just couldn't gather the courage to walk all on my own at 4:30 A.M in a desert. Had there been a single person ready and willing to go alongside, I would have surely gone. Took my mind to how much we are still patriarchal for I still needed a male companion to walk alongside.

And how even if we have developed, say we are no more afraid of animals (atleast in places where humans live) yet it is humans themselves who are capable of being threats.

Oh, did I tell you that that ass came all the way to my cafe last evening. I did tell you right? That so called lover with drugged eyes and appearance of being a well wisher. That shame to his family, an embarrassment to me and such a pain in the ass. I don't know why am unable to let it go. I am feeling so so angry ever since. The audacity! 

And if I get him beaten by someone, I would be in a continuous threat for I travel solo and free anywhere and everywhere. And if I tell the cops and get him arrested, then even cops would harass me for such has been my experience in history and such patriarchal is our country. And if I take my other so called friend who is strong yet equally capable of turning into a same specie for even he doesn't understand boundaries then not only I prove myself to be week but have to publically take him to be some kind of connection and give him the authority to rule my life or friendship or time or just visit me anytime he wants and laze here taking my space and me to be his right! 

Even he proved to be such a disappointment! Does he even know friendship? Weird how everything is but an exchange! And out of a girl - only thing people seek is her body. And I had already even given his cafe a huge free painting. The audacity to ask me for macrame keyrings. And when I told him I had no balance to call him, he said, come here, we have wifi! As if that would be a pull enough for me. Anyway, I had zero expectations from him. First meet itself had clarified to me, he can't even be a friend. For though he had had his emotional let downs, but he is immature and has a useless male ego. Though it's his strength that I admire as well. But what use can it be if one can't rationalise who or what's right? Though he has decent staff but his choice of friends - oh, each so cunning! And isn't a person known by his selection of friends. How can he be innocent if he so admires such useless cunning company? Maybe they boost his ego. Maybe he simply is lonely! Who knows? And I shouldn't even judge. Yet, I just can't simply stay superficial. And all these thoughts entered in both when I gave the connection a shot and later when I really needed him a few times. But he failed me and lavishly. 

Well! Atleast I gave it a try. Atleast life hasn't turned me all bleak with such shitty people. Imagine living in a guest house for a month yet everyone rooting upon some drama when that chepad came here and not even a single person standing along with me. But isn't it the case while traveling. For I never licked the owner's ass or spoke unnecessarily. Also, so preoccupied was I in my own world that I hardly even socialised. 

Yet what amazes me the most is that people buy that psycho chepad's story and even accompany him as he stocks me or chases me. Why don't they see that there's simply no possibility of it. 

But here it's so normal. Foreigners come and find Indian men exotic and even marry and take them to their countries. I wonder how! Though souls and energies connect at a different level - way beyond mental or intellectual compatibility but that chepad's energy too is in no way compatible with me. Plus, the more I got to know him, the more I got disgusted. Specially the way he had turned into a complete fraud. Rather he had always been. 

Oh my dear six. I wanted our second last meet to be beautiful and magical and pious - on top of Gayatri temple's mount. But my mind is so poisoned by the recent happenings. He lives right beside. The only other guy I could connect too, turned out to be equally a disappointment. And I felt so bad about my judgement and reckless decision making ability.

Yet I had no choice but to take a leap of faith. I had no choice but to be anywhere but where I was exactly a month back.

It's exactly a month here in Pushkar. It was my birthday last month that I wasted trusting a guy to whom I came for I was so so traumatised in my life and thought that he was the one who loved me the most out of so many that came in my life. That upon my birthday maybe I would find peace and comfort in going over to meet someone who had always kept me in such high regard. I simply needed a breath. But it was such a wrong decision.

More I am moving away from life of getting stoned, more I can see clearly the way life is being wasted by them. For they lose any knack of reality. He didn't even bother to arrange for a cake or actually find out what I really needed and wether he was even capable of providing me with that. He instead very selfishly called me here and then himself became another pain in my ass. 

And now, I don't even know where to go next. Manali I would go and find out a home eventually but that has no real scope for me to make money. Goa I would love to go, if nothing else then just to let sea water cleanse me energetically from my Laddakh experience or two years of much needed healing; but I am unable to enjoy anywhere for there are practical issues bothering me as hell!

Oh, did I tell you? I got a job offer last evening!!! It's in Bangalore. I have asked for remote working for the salary is not worth a migration but I won't mind shifting to Bangalore eventually. But not unless I have secured myself with a handsome amount of fixed salary. I don't want to be on survival mode anymore. And no way that am compromising with my being just for the sake of comforts. To hell with these stupid men with farce ways of earnings and history of pitiable women. I am no such person. I can take myself to where I wish to be and I will. That too by right means. No matter how difficult it be. And you got to support me dear Cosmos and my dear six. Help me be the swan to sort out pearls from stones. And take me to the right places with right opportunities. 

I have my dignity to save. I have my heart to expand. So much of 'I', I suddenly realised. But if I won't be there for myself, who else would be? Except Cosmos! Guess that's enough. Then take charge dear cosmos. You can't leave me at such a crucial point. Thank you for being so divine. You have been so generous so far. Not only did I live so so comfortably at one of the best locations in Pushkar in terms of view, comfort, it being airy, rightly themed, two walls with windows, my own portico, a cage upstairs - to eat whenever I felt hungry, hot shower, clean bed with white sheets, peace of mind; oh so much... But you also took care of my overall being.

Now I got to meet my expenses. And take the next step. I have taken the time needed for self. It's time for action. Help me collaborate with right set of people. Help me fuel and Kindle my dreams. Help me independent once again and in my full capacity. I need my own home now to be myself and have a safe and warm place of my own to go back to whenever I want to. Not in any guest house but my own own home. Though this too felt like home with Blue mountains and a lake right outside my window and a floor below and across... But it's not my home - am well aware. Plus, the rates are super high. And I need my own home now. Call it being Indian. But atleast that sense of security is a must for me now.

And I need my own stable income. You filled me with so many passions and talents. You gave me the hope to go on and pursue them. You only have to show me the way now - how to go about it without facing frauds or lusty and egoistic assholes. 

Help me be the best version of mine for now is the right time! I claim the best of life for I have sacrificed so many comforts for so long in my life. And though I got a lot many lessons and adventures and ofcourse memories but now it has to be an alltogether different dimension and alltogether new level with a lot of abundance and my own capability rather than depending on luck, generosity or magical mystery. 

I do believe in cosmos and it's magical ways. But now some kind of stability is essential for me to live a better life. And you must ensure that for me or help me take the right course of action for me.

You know me the best. Anything unjust doesn't go by me. Any vice in a person gets definitely noticed by me. And although I am trying to accept that each is but a shade of grey and world can't be my ideal utopia yet atleast help me find compatible shades of grey and not foolish and ignorant shitty people who bring down my otherwise peaceful vibe or expect something shallow out of me.

If I am meant to love, find me people who value it and know how to reciprocate it properly. If I am meant to have friendship, then find me people who are authentic and who actually know the meaning of it. If I am meant to be on my own then find me strength and independence enough to never depend upon others. If am meant to be successful then help me find the right ways to reach it.

Oh, please make it easy for me. I am seriously tired of praying and hoping and demanding and expecting and surrendering. So many fluctuations. 

And still this mundaneness that takes its biggest hit. You introduced the extraordinary and magical side of life to me. If that has to stay then increase its propensity. For now I can't fit into my old shell. And now am outgrowing even the maximum circumference of fabric around my matter. It's time to break the cocoon and fly free. You have gifted me with wings. It's time for a flight. And a really high one. Ensure that the weather stays fine and it becomes an epic memorable and cherished flights of my life.

6:53

The blue mounts have gained even more saturation as the morning has aged a bit more and the chitter chatter of people downstairs has gained emotions and tempo. The bells are getting tolled as more visitors are entering the lakeside. 

The lake is bright blue below like a mirror. 

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you about the magical last night that I got to spend with my neighbour friend whose company I admire. I took my time with trusting her but she is quite an intellectual treat and I adore her way of expressing and vast level of experiences. We sat quite till late first in the cafe area and later upon the rooftop area - below 'gazzilion' stars and running clouds tiny white birds that seemed like numerous shooting stars. We even saw a flock of angelic white birds when it began to mildly drizzle. It was quite a beautiful time we had. 

Also that I ditched meeting that long awaited friend for he kept calling me from early evening bringing me to believe that he was almost here and finally that he reached and even got me excited enough to dress up to meet he still got late by more than hour. He wasted an entire day for me and I suddenly wasn't in any mood to meet. I simply didn't wish to be taken for granted like last time. Plus, I just didn't feel like going late evening then keeping him company for booze or whatever famous meal he was trying to lure me with. I would have much appreciated and welcomed him to be on time, hang out with me at human hours and then maybe had I got happy and comfortable enough, I wouldn't have minded extending the time till late for he had come all the way to meet me. But he had to drag his friend just to flaunt some hifi locations and car, and he had to be late to directly meet for dinner and he didn't even have balls enough to apologise or make it up when I told him that he was too late. All he could come up with was the name of some famous restaurant he had planned to take me to. I cancelled it all. Instead chose my regular paranthas and tea. And got gifted with my neighbour's company and a starlit night. 

Read the entire night - finishing yet another book and I so loved it. These days my love for books is back. So pitiable and boring seem the minds around me. And books seem to be full of interesting stories and knowledge with something always to learn from them. Plus, I can be silent and still be together with them yet conversing in volumes. I am just loving the overall experience. Finding peace behind pages. 

Alright my love. See you tomorrow. Hopefully outside Gayatri temple.

I love you

Mmmmmuuuuaaahh

.............

Sep 30, 21

Hey Six,

My love! 

Dot at 6 AM, right from Gayatri temple, we are finally here for our last date together. It's a beautiful dawn. I could finally make it till Gayatri and this stage in my life. It feels home. It feels so so powerful. 

As if, I was meant to be here - all by destiny. And I just now had an epic meditation session as well. 

The silhouettes of so many green mounts arounds are gaining tints of green and the sky above them is gaining purple and orange. 

Can you believe it - we had an entire month in Pushkar and it simply passed in a woosh. So many things happened and yet so little. My mind though underwent huge transformations and so did my soul. 

I hope I am healed rather I am sure I am. For I am so so much right in this moment in no hurry to be anywhere or do anything. Just here. 

Oh, the morning breeze. It's so chilly. I have goosebumps all overy bare legs and arms. Let me   wrap around a borrowed shrug/duppatta.

Oh, the city around is gaining life. Few distant lights, chirping of the birds, a few passing vehicles far below, my old connection but new friend right behind. Oh, things got sorted. All of them. Guess I was simply pissed out with the monotony of self imposed imprisonment and that's why over criticising everything. 

I even met the old friend whom I had ditched. He, his super handsome and so like me friend, my old connection but new friend. And together all four of us chilled the entire evening. That too at that guy's cafe whome I had been avoiding yet he was not agreeing to keep distance. With so many lovely vibes, I too felt confident. Plus he had breched the contact so I went there confidently. And it rained. Plus no BT vibes were there. And the evening went full power, followed by our visit to the lovely sand dunes after an off-road ride through desert and as the dusk was approaching and the camels were going home, I took out my Ukulele and played and sang from my soul right in the middle of that sandy road and it felt epic. Later we all chilled in a new cafe - laughing, chilling followed by a long long ride till Ajmer along with my old connection and new friend where we were drenched wet by rain while coming back and while taking refuge outside some tea stall, I had again played and and sung - pleasing everyone's soul. Later at his cafe we heard good music and much later even made a little bit of love. This time, not selfish or at the level of lust. But with better understanding. I was way aroused. Yet it didn't reach pro max. 

Oh the sky has gained red and blue and all around is breeze and so so much of beauty. Of my dear six, doesn't it feel lovely? To be here at such a beautiful location on our last date? Oh, you have been so so special. Not only you gave me a stable base but taught me so much, gave me refuge in religion, music and spirituality; helped me rationalise yet accept duality gifted me with me with so much of wisdom. Not to forget, my love and obsession with books is back. Oh, I just can't get enough of them.

Hey, check out the morning. It's beautiful. 

And I finally saw the moon. What a moment - the upcoming sun and the about to leave Moon. So like my life in the transformation phase. 

I can see a pretty trail going till a distant peak. Guess the view will be worth a visit. But it is way far. And I am bit tired. With none around, even this place is extremely beautiful. And doesn't really need any efforts. There is a tiny temple behind that is yet to open up, a well right behind that is covered, a vibrant sky - right opposite to me and an extremely windy morning sending chills to my entire body. 

This palce surely deserves the mantra - 

'Om bhur bhuvah swahah

Tatsavitur vareniyam 

Bargodevasya dhimahi 

Diyo yonaha prachodayaat'

Hope I spelled it correctly. 

Mom taught it to me when I was two. And I never forgot it. 

Rather for years that it stayed on my tongue - even at the times of utter darkness. It just is always there back of the mind. 

The story of Gayatri Mata though was recently told to me as Bhramma's second wife - who was a shudra and had to pass through cow's digestive system to be purifies and was wed to lord Bhramma in order to perform a significant pujan that later helped the world get rid of some demon. 

Without even knowing her story, she had been a huge influence upon my life and here I am right upon her birthplace, right outside her personal temple and it feels divine. 

I'm in a brown one piece with demon shorts with a black off-shoulder top inside. There is a peacock colored duppatta draped around me. 

My financial crises is still not sorted but somehow it doesn't make me anxious. I know cosmos will take care of it. I still don't know where to move next and what to do but I am no more worried about it. I know things will work out - they have to. 

6:25

Wow! With such chilly weather, time seems too slow. But it's our last meet my love. I don't even know what am gonna do without you tomorrow morning onwards. It would feel strange. You have seen Pushkar alongside me. You have experienced it all as I did almost from the beginning.  And here we are finishing all that we had hoped for or desired of. 

I faced my fears, was vocal about what affected me, took a stand wherever it was needed, had both my gauri and kaali sides active, yet stayed neutral - the ideal state to be in. 

There's a Neem tree here right beside me. Such a healthy and purifying choice for whoever planted it. 

It's such a pretty morning. Let me get few pictures of mine. 

Alright, a little bit of photo session done. Though it was more of my friend than mine for without even seeing, I know, I took epic pictures of his. 

Aah, wish it was also one of his interests and he was willing to put his heart into it. Never mind. 

Aah! Finally some support for my back. It was aching for that long a time for I was sitting upon an uneven surface. It's quite cd though over here, but less than sitting upfront upon the edge of the cliff. 

My friend has been patiently waiting for me to finish our meet. Really sweet of him. He is not annoyed or selfish demanding me to be there for me but is respecting my need and priority and finally is understanding enough to give me my space when I need it. 

SWEET!! 

Oh, sun is about to rise. The sunrise that represents our future my love. A new beginning. A new hope. Bit chilly but full of determination, even before time, full of peace, love, beauty and positivity. Full of love. 

Hope you forgive me for all the vent outs I took out on you. But I will always be grateful to you for being that huge and firm a support for me in my life. Where none was there, you were. And I am deeply grateful for that. 

6:39

The magic numbers!!! And in that order. Thank you for reminding me. It's such a sweet way of reminding me of my duties. Will surely begin the rituals tomorrow onwards. 

Oh, the sun is gaining it's yellow and red behind a mountain towards my right amidst so many clouds. And I am feeling like running over and resting my head in my friend's lap. One because am feeling very cold and a bit tired. Second, I just feel like it. And trust me, that is way unlike me. I even held his hand for a bit while hiking up. Even I got shocked at my conduct - so highly unlike me. I never ever do that. But I did. And willingly. 

Am such a nut case. But that's what I love about me. I myself can shock and surprise me. Not like am self obsessed but I won't deny that I love myself the most. 

Oh, the morning is gaining hints of warmth. Still can't believe, it's our last meet. In the moment, we are together! Let's make the most of it. Let's feel the wind blowing through my locks, the breeze jamming along the rustling leaves, the red and yellow spreading their touch penetrating right through blues and purples, the greens of mounts walking through lows and highs upfront, the city spread small down below, these cacti plants with health standing tall.... This heart swelled with love and content. This soul full of faith and hope. This body all healthy and healed. This mind no more in agony. 

Oh, it's so pretty - out final meet. Maybe all that we faced was part of our journey - to heal any and all traumas and reach here - upon the peak - full of peace, sorted spirit, flying parrots, singing peacocks. 

Maybe it was all written and destined - to be here - and exchange energy through activated chakras and such powerful meditation. 

Maybe I was indeed meant to come alongside him despite of all my decision to come on my own. And I am grateful for his company as well. His calm and composed smile, his innocent side despite of the other side that I also know too well. 

Well, it takes time to reach that level, where the other side is simy not required. And yet, it's the quality check of connections - right temperament with justified and right actions. 

So my love! I hope you loved our connection. And I hope that whoever reads it gets healed (including me) - in whichever timeline. Although it was quite difficult to manage to meet you every morning. I even simply marked my present and passed out many a times. But that's me. Had never been a morning person. This I can always manage - staying awake entire night and ensuring the morning. Won't have to do it tomorrow onwards. But I honestly have no idea what I would do next! Mental constructs!!! 

That you for spontaneously happening in my life. Thank you for healing what required to be healed. Oh, I don't know how to say bye. It should have been a long summarised farewell. But its not. For my trip is still left and life goes on. And who knows, I may meet you some other day somehow. 

P.S. it was in your PM form last evening that I got gifted with a henna tattoo by a tribal lady and we all went to the sand dunes. 

And here comes the Sun. Golden and filtered through the neem leaves. And Here I am. Soaking in all of its positivity at such an energetic place. 

Loads of love to you my love. Stay happy. Keep blooming. At your lows, remember, this too shall pass. At your highs, remember, this too shall pass. Stay neutral. Always do good karma with faith and love. None stays your own, not even family; except Cosmos and faith in it. It's the universal energy that is magical - the ultimate Shakti! Believe in it. 

Will take your leave now my love. 

Loads of love and light. May your life bloom just like this morning Sun with equally awake Moon right upon head. 

Love and light. 

Bye!! 

And yeah! To you I gift a long long crazy and immense love session - filled with passion, intensity, seriousness, laughter! Wild and free!!! 

Mmmmmmmmuuuuuaaaah 

Just like this morning Sun fill me in. Just like the breeze touch every pore of mine. Just like these birds, sing the songs of divine in my ears. Just like these mountains - always be strong and pretty - above and around me. Just like nature, always be my womb. Just like cosmos, always protect me. Just like rivers, heal me. Just like sky, keep me hollow and empty. 

I love you. 

Hope I be the musician and have a home in Himachal and become a famous novelist and make revolutionary movies and be able to hold an exhibition of my Canvas arts and become rich yet remain humble and open a dog shelter for all my dogs in Manali and have my own cafe and guest house in old manali. 

Love you! Bye! 

.............