All around me are colorful lights. I am on terrace and it is a new beginning. It's taking a step back - exactly one hour behind.
It's lucky night - I feel happy. I feel alive. After a long time - I have found my spirit beside.
I am dancing on songs I do not know. I am home alone tonight hence chilling on terrace. It feels beautiful - like am waiting for an unseen surprise.
Right opposite to me is a huge building - illuminated in thousands of lights. I feel hollow - I purposefully am ignoring so many thoughts in my mind. For they are not my types. I am born happy. Wanna stay happy.
Now that I have realized this hour - it means something am sure.
It's a new moment - a new life. Are these expectations? Possibly my dreams. But I won't rigidify them to just one place. It will all the shades it will want to wear - this - my 4 AM.
The fact that am repressing certain thoughts - can it make this moment made of ignorance? No. It's just how I wanna build it - and molding requires certain pressures. I need to be careful with wild fires.
I can hear a pleasant song - 'soldier of fortune'. I smile to the lyrics.
I feel done with my past. Ready now for the big Change. It's been long - steadying myself on a stable cross. All set for mobility again. Strong enough to engulf a new range.
I am in blue shorts and brown loose broad neck top. It has a string in front which makes me feel beautiful. The make up is still not washed. Wanted to stay ready for myself. Wanted to look pretty to myself. The day was dull enough. But the nights - they are always enchanting. And this one is special.
Birth of you 4 AM. You have become special from now. You are 21 minutes old now. How do you feel to be born on this shimmering night? Wait a few meets and we will have moon to accompany.
Moon is my love BTW. He will be with us - atleast half the times.
I feel scared suddenly of an unknown presence. I go closer to it. It is nothing. I am on another terrace now. This one has bright lights all around. More celebration.
Let's go back into the arms of darkness. The caress of a misty glance. The sky is foggy with a slight hint of stars. I feel aroused - all captivated in the night's prance.
Welcome! Welcome to my world. Let's hope to have a creative relationship. Let's build it together with magic and a pure heart. I belong to you from now onward. Let's be together till we want. Let's elevate each other into much better versions of ours. Let's not have any expectations and be together from now.
Imagine, it's half an hour gone. Time to chill. Off I prance.
Hi 4 AM. I had been eagerly waiting for you for past one hour. I thought I will talk only with you. But didn't want to repress. There happened a couple of couplets.
I even kept a frozen chocolate piece in my mouth to slowly melt it with the warmth in my mouth. But couldn't wait. Gently nibbling it, I finally ate. Even the aftertaste is fading off but I have you and us to create.
I was on terrace till now, shivering upon breeze on floor, imagining myself on a far off shore. But No more.
I am in the warmth of my cosy bedding with a woman singing melodiously in my ears. Room is filled with a red light and I am not facing it. Like I can feel it's presence somewhere behind. All I can see is you playing in the darkness. All I can feel is myself penetrated deep inside you - right into your soul.
I had a beautiful evening - full of outing. I had a fantabulous night - right below faint stars lost in the heavy smog. It was blue - my ambiance and I had this magic box that took me to the amazing locations - so many from my past.
I can't believe - it's just our second date. I already feel so connected. Like I am telling you stuff - even the insignificant one.
You have brought happiness in my life - dear 4 AM.
I wish to travel with you sometime. Want to explore you in another dimension. But all that at the destined time. What matters is Us.
I feel the upcoming trip. I don't know how but it will. It always happens. This time too it will. You see I just live to travel. Whenever. However.
It is on roads that I feel at home. It is in shorts and a loose tee that I feel Me as me. All those roles in society - they seem someone else's role. It's funny the theatre called life. Maaya, I call it.
I don't know why the ancient temple Birla Mandir is coming to my mind. I used to go there so often in my childhood.
Momcy used to teach me while I used to hang upon those caves. And she used to feed me from her hands while I monkey jumped from one cave's wall to another den. And I loved the gigantic park. Only the main road from park to temple in late hours was a botheration. But oh shit! I was bothered from crowd - even in my childhood.
With time I have become a lover of solitariness or maybe a few quality energies. I also realise that I shouldn't judge others. That the purpose of life is probably to evolve and help others evolve so that together we emit right balance of energies to the world and keep it working - second per second.
How quick the time flies can itself freak one out. Imagine it's been 19 minutes and you have changed so much. But I really like it - how you get matured every second. I can almost feel it. But it is the unpredictable twists in your eyes and expressions that I like more.
If I close my eyes right now, I find us together on a shore. The water is warm and a bright golden moon smiles on us. I can see you spread all around. Millions of stars adorn your dress so dark. And you glow in your own darkness. I feel your soft side the dark passionate one too. I feel your watery self so dark green, so transparent. My skin blazes with moon falling over. Your love blushing through my salty, cold lips.
It's the breeze that I can feel even here on my terrace. I am sure the breeze is same - in my dream and in this dream. Sometimes life itself seems like a dream to me.
I hear a Sufi song in background. It's been playing long. I wanna change it. I also wanna dance dressed in a corporate black ironed skirt and a Matty red skin fit top. A wooden table lies in the middle of a garden with plants covering it's periphery. I feel beautiful with my hair loosly tied behind, a curly lock bouncing with dancing self of mine. And there I do a love waltz giggling with joy in the arms of a man I can't see. It's a vision that has come to me back and again.
Almost half an hour gone. And I don't know where all I just traveled along with you 4 AM. It feels so enriching to meet you here - right now.
Let's meet tomorrow and meet once more. I can think of Arabian nights and the beautiful dream world. Bye 4 AM. You are again thirty minutes old.
Do you even realize that I actually talk to you in my mind before you happen and we meet. Aah! So I wanted to make it different - this meet. Even if, we are on the same bed - but our energies are different - they are of today.
So I have applied a little lavender oil below my nose, right above my lips. A guy had gifted it to me calling it perfume. I won't say it is that good a fragrance for it to be perfume but it is definitely therapeutic and aromatic - or so I read. And I really wanted some Sufi feel tonight.
By the way, accompanying it is some itr I am really fond of. I got it from some mosque in Delhi and it just gives me this transcendental feeling. Will you believe, I even changed from a dress in which I was looking good on me to this free comfy tee for it makes me feel more comfortable. That's how I wanted to be while with you - free and comfortable.
So ya, my day went quite happening with hell lot of food. And that's about it. It sounds boring to me - the mundane life. Even if, when living it live - it is actually life.
I am listening to FM after a long time. It saves me from yet another effort of playing a limited collection of my choice. A little bit of laze offered me these heaps of nostalgic songs, those that made me pull up an eyebrow and pass a comment mentally, singers the names of whom I learned for the first time and 'How on earth' songs. But it is still going cool with me. The option to change is a bane and boon. Yet another task.
Ha ha. I sound so lazy right now. Possibly after a recent conversation. How vibes flow.
It's a gazal in background which reminds me of my immediate mood at exact 4 AM tonight. With a bright red dupatta, a sun bathed sea side room, a dessert sandy floor, some rustic mud thatched walls and a beautiful woman - half seen in her nettled colorful saree translucently hiding her yet giving a hint for more.
And there the vision of just the camouflaged dupatta became a full fledged movie in my head. I wonder why don't I continue writing my novel.
Btw I am reading a novel after a long time these days. So earlier when I was an ardent reader, it was my habit to leave a book only when finished. And as soon as the book used to land in my hands, few hours and I used to be done with it. And then the next. But you see, I never remembered any of them. Like this one I am reading these days. I feel as if I have read it before. Only that I remember only when I read. I can't remember what happens next. Maybe that's what keeps me engaged. But this time know, am not doing it like old times. I force myself to leave the book after every few pages. I wanna taste it bit by bit. I wanna savor it's taste. Each day I give it a thought - what happened last, what will happen next. And there I stay connected to the character and the beauty remains.
The book is 'An equal music' by Vikram Seth. I feel more connected to it - for it caters to my musical taste. I cry sometimes - feeling the heart of a musician - the innocence of it.
The ups and down in the life of an artist. The craving to be one with the art - no matter what it takes.
Man! We spent 20 last minutes at stuff I don't remember any more. My fingers are tapping on their own - once more. I feel good about meeting you 4 AM.
Last time I was this comfortable with 5 AM Bangalore. We had a magical connection - so full of music, love and lots of freedom.
I miss at many a times. But that was that. It's gone. The traveller that I am, I like living in present. And you are my present 4 AM. I am glad we are gelling so well. The first time I met you, I was not sure if this was the right energy I wanted. But every meet of ours makes me more confident. I give you a little more of my trust. You unlayer one more wall of mine.
I am melting in your gentle arms - the balmy calm of 4 AM at night.
Look at my dedication - like the cushions below and around should be comfortable but my spine, arms and legs are so serious - to give my 110% to us. Ha ha! In love am I? With you 4 AM.
And we are left with 5 minutes still. Let's just be silent and feel the amazing music in the background. The echo behind. Let's merge into the music - let's be one. Reach my soul, it's warm - ready to melt inside your fire. Touch my core for it urges you so.
You are so special 4 AM. I feel so connected to you already. And the best thing, I still free and as confused about myself - so powerful to explore.
Bye bye 4 AM. We gonna meet tomorrow for more.
Hi dearie. I managed to meet you right on time. Like I wanted to just make the VIP Entry. But you see I was still 5 minutes early. Anyways, how do you feel today - in this lighted room - so bright - like day.
My eyes are burning with light. Music thumping in my ears. I can feel the fan buzzing round right inside my heart beating loud.
The pink curtains flowing so leisurely on one of the colorful walls - they laugh at me.
I am in this nostalgic mood. These curtains have lived those moments with me.
Now the background is sufi. Which reminds me of this mystical perfume I just wore. It's subtle - v. Mild. Faintly noticeable. But.. Once noticed, it stays in mind - so beautiful, like a memory.
Kahan jayegi'.
The song goes on. I really am fond of Classical instruments - tabla for percussion. Sitar for that liquid aura that I sometimes crave for.
It's just this night that I found a broken heart wearing a happy maak. I burned the happy mask. And also the broken heart. No I rather clicked it's picture and made a perfume of the burned ash.
Can you smell it burning still in the aromatic candled. It was waxed so crudely by me once upon a time. I pulled but a thread and lit it to this light.
It hurts - this light. But it is so therapeutic. It makes me stronger. I feel so light suddenly.
But the forehead know - like between my brows - it feels so heavy. Like a flame inside it is burning with it's maximum oil to produced the brightest possible cosmic light.
I feel good about it. But there is a little anxiety - in my heart. I am strong enough. I can carry it.
Wo khushi SE liye'.
I feel thankful.
Suddenly I got this vision of a gurudwara near by campus in Delhi. It falls in Model Town area. Can't remember it's name. I used to go there in my board times. Later when I stayed in campus for an year - that place was my favorite for it served the sweetest possible halwa as prasad. I loved it.
I loved the prayer songs often in background and the light aura of it. Only that once, the caretakers wrongly misunderstood me and even called cops just to check what I was doing there middle of night. I held it against them. I wanted to have the 4 AM sweet halwa. Probably it was my greed that was punished - or so I thought.
I think I was a different breed back then. Like all those occasional religious activities. I will call myself a fully spiritual person now. No more rituals or religions in my life.
I do believe that we are all energies and we are all connected. That the sand grains lazing on ground are as alive as us. That each micro atom in this universe is just energy - either in kinetic or potential form.
That we on earth are born and reborn to just play with energies. We create black and white energies. We are born. We die. The five elements keep playing in various combinations. And we the energies just change our place in the game. And we keep participating in some random script - of which, we are as much of an audience as characters themselves.
19 minutes gone. I just realized. A water break. I feel so thirsty tonight.
I wanna listen to violin and also learn it. I also wanna learn Harmonica first for that's the closest I could make to play on my own. Keyboard is also pending for I was good at it in my childhood. And Congo was my expertise in school time. I don't know. I wanna do something in Music now. I write my own songs. Wanna learn instruments. Wanna make my own songs. This one dream has been winning inside for so long. I wish it comes true.
Also I wanna travel again. It has reduced to just significant trips. I wanna make it a lifestyle again.
I can see a strange pattern in my life. Like I live one way exposed to a kickass new range. Then I come back to home for a six months rest - like Kungfu panda went back to his own hometown in his latest movie to connect to his ancient roots. I never plan it. It just happens. Then another kickass year. Again Home. And these variations are immense. Living day and night at one phase to contemplating day and night in another phase. I live it and then I think of it with way.
Sometimes I feel like drowning in Maya. But something keeps me outside. Something that keeps me connected to the larger frame. The continuous entries and exists. Hiis and Byes. Births and deaths. And I just can't be happy or sad to an extreme any more. Like I stay connected to the base reality.
But I am a lover of extremes. I wanna live life to the fullest. Life in extremes. So maybe the stability is a flavour too. Hence the stagnation is never wasted.
The land when stays without crops. It is there the soil grows stronger - good enough to have a better come back for the new range of crops.
I feel hope most of the times. Sometimes the opposites keep me inspired. Lows too have a reason I feel. They spring you back to another extreme.
And who wants a stable line anyways. It is ups and downs that make a story - a unique story.
And that is how I feel - unique. Yet so one with the cosmos. Yet one energy like all around.
Half an hour gone my friend. Gotta go now. Love and lots of care.
Hello dear special time. I am now used to our meets I feel. I didn't need to time myself today at all. I came down from terrace, had some juice and all and here I am all set for our lovely stall.
Btw, I am ardently reading that novel 'An equal music'. It is difficult to resist myself from having it all at one go but still I have managed it quite well I guess. It is still going on till now.
I have been watching my own dance videos. I think I should tie my hair the next time for even though they give me that aura of wildly tranced but they spoil the dance moves. And in there it's not about Me, it's about the dancer self of mine.
Too much of 'I' these days - is another of my observation. But I don't know, it's just much more interesting to me - this 'I', after of course the nature.
Someone told me the difference between 'Drashta' and 'Drishya' (The one who sees and what he sees). Looking at my obsession to travel, he exclaimed, 'You are struck in still the external world dear. Everything is inside us'. I told him, 'why would these things have been created so beautifully, had it been enough to just close your eyes and feel them all in soul. We are given the material form, the senses - for a purpose. I won't say that I wanna check in at every place of universe. It is not even possible. But I would love to see and feel as many places I can - to experience and live my life as much as I can.'
He smiled. Told me to still be inclined towards the inside.
This reminds me of yet another conversation I had with a friend. He told me that life can't be either always stable or always in a flux. The beauty lies in the switches in between.'
I keep it as a key point in my life. But the switches know - they are essential. I kind of always have issues with the right number of those switches.
Being the extreme that I am, I get obsessed with whatever I do. So if I love to travel I crave to travel way too much more than normal. The normal is different for me. My minimum is always more than the maximum of normal.
If I do music, I wanna do it day and night. Wanna live in it, be it.
When I paint, I sometimes stay with a painting for 2-3 days - meditating upon it, creating it - till I feel satisfied.
But most of the times - I get bored. The flame of passion and outlet should also be extreme for it to stay an extreme.
I wanna make a video some time. Like a nature video - with me as the solo person in it - climbing mountains, diving in a solitary sea, flying, flowing - camouflaged in nature. Wanna run with the tiger, wanna dance along with a peacock, hop amidst kangaroos and pose bare in a forest. And the instruments are deep - cocktailed with forest music. That will just be the signature song of 'Mystical Wanderer' - epitome of how I see my self.
18 minutes gone in my narcissistic dreams. I change the song. Want a different mood. It's a thick voice of a girl. I love a bit hoarse voice at a low volume. That sultry touch is sensuous to me. It touches the depth of heart.
I feel like dressing up again. Except my love for dance I had in a way forgotten all my senses. They are back - I don't know how. You are magical 4 AM. I feel like I had a rebirth along with you.
I wait for you everyday. I think of what to tell you when we meet. Though I always forget all that when we actually meet. I don't why I come to myself and some dreams of mine and blend them always with some philosophies in my mind. Yet it becomes therapeutic for me - at all rest of times. As if you solve my issues without even I mentioning them.
Are you a magician 4 AM? How have you captivated me so much in so short a time? Like nights when I feel sleepy, I ask myself, how come I even think of skipping our meeting. I love each of our dates.
You are the only time that I ensure everyday. You have brought punctuality back in my life. I feel disciplined suddenly - for you have become a passion. I manage my day for you - which I don't do for anyone for long. And here you are - becoming so significant in my life that the rest of my time adjusts accordingly. Not you. You are special. And I have fallen in love with you - with all your qualities. Even flaws.
And I love you for we.
The room is wearing a dim light tonight. And I in a baze loose trouser and a black long loose tee to compliment. I feel at ease. I feel complete. Lots of new songs tonight.
Bye 4 AM. Catch you tomorrow with yet more love.
Well Hello dear. Remember this place? We met here the first time - your birth place. Yeah! I am still on terrace. Got late to sneak back home and then it is now our time. It is lightening and Delhi as you know is suffering with oh so pretty lovely smog. It gives me a romantic feeling though.
So I am dressed in black leggings; a skin fit, full sleeved, broad neck, brown top; and a pale grey scarf made of light wool.
I was dancing like few minutes before. Was in some rage mode two hours before. It's lightening over here and it feels so empowering to just sit under it.
Hey! I finished that novel BTW. I just couldn't resist myself from finishing it. So the entire evening I got lost in the lanes of London and Venice. I got attached to Michael's Violin and fell in love with his beloved 'Julia'. I was a part of his quartet performing in different concerts. 'An equal music' - what a beautiful let out of musical emotions. I didn't like the ending much - but that's the case with many novels I read. I either crave for a happy ending or a meaningful one. Now it had a meaning which could be considered happy as well. But the main issue with me is parting. Like why end so soon. I still wanted it to go on.
How I had convinced myself in finally reading it at one go, 'I can always read another book, why stop myself from this flow?'
But you know it's really painful to be so much into something and suddenly part, not even slow.
I feel cold. A sudden shiver enters me through. I think I should get downstairs. It is just the time to go. But I am liking it here, so I will stay a bit more.
Listening to 'Hysteria' - it just came on it's own. Wasn't paying much attention to music just this night - it was playing, fanning the fumes of thoughts in my mind. And I was merely writing.
I seek travel again. I crave for a musical name. Should I rename myself? What should I be if not Mystical Wanderer? But why 'not'? I should say 'apart from'. Or maybe 'add on to'.
For the purpose is to grow. And reach beyond. Beyond what? I still need to comprehend. But how will I? Until I don't cross the fence.
There is no fence. Or so they say. But I feel clutched in a beautiful silk fence. The circumference is definitely huge. Still I feel larger than how much it seems.
So dear 4 AM, Tell me, how much can I - put myself at risk - without causing hurt to the ones I love? For the spirit inside know - it is so eager always - to experiment.
I feel like Gulliver at times. Always aiming for home. Yet always looking for adventures.
19 minutes gone. How about an expedition to home now? Or should I postpone for another 10 minutes? Guess I would stay.
'Wonderwall' playing now. I like this one. Takes me to some beautiful nostalgic mood. Aah! No more of that mood. I like it for the song - so I learned from the novel today.
Aah! It's beautiful. I can only place Michael in my mind now singing this song dedicating it to Julia.
How characters turn alive. While writing my novel, that's one thing I am often reminded of - that the characters will turn real one day - all on their own. Which compels me to stay honest - but they also generate fears inside - what if someone relates it to my life. Aah! Judgements! One cunning tool every one feels free to use. Not that I much care about it. But who know how one may use it.
The music stopped all of sudden. A sudden silence followed by the sounds of occasional cars passing by. I was suddenly taken aback by the water' gush in these tanks on this terrace. Someone is still launching skyshots - the hundreds of lights - one by one in sky. Crazy! Like despite of so much smog! Still? Maybe they need to see their way through these shots - you see the tact of sailors when they are lost in an island.
Morning is so chilly here on terrace. I feel like I have reached in Himachal - so full of fog, so hazy night. And water filling all musically inside tank becomes the sound of a river flowing nearby.
Isn't it so beautiful and transcending - this moment. I feel so light and free. It's fascinating. Bye bye. Will catch you tomorrow night. Alvida. Love ya.
4 AM, Delhi
7th November
Ha ha.. I am hogging insanely. Wait! One minute. Let me change the song - so so so filmy. Aah! It's joyful now. Violin, Saxophone, and a husky voice of a girl so happy in her happy, sexy voice. She is merging with sky, flying in the sky in an unknown world. She feels sleepless. She feels one with the universe.
I have almonds and raisins in my mouth. I have this personal ratio of them in my mouth - 1 almond every two or sometimes three raisins. The perfect blend of sweet and strong yet smooth flavours.
I was dancing the entire night - on terrace - even in my room. What else do you expect then but an insane head tapping and an eager waist jumping on some silly music suddenly surprising my very own senses.
I am feeling like painting again. So what I had decided was to resume writing my novel. But the last time I had taken a break was when I urged to paint more than to write. So I switched to painting. Filled one canvas, then got occupied with life and poetry. Now my passions for painting is still not quenched. It's still turned on. Gotta have another session with it. I can't decide should be only nature or maybe a self portrait inside. But I feel humans in nature destroy the beauty of nature. Yet I am so fond of a single girl in forest/ beside river/ along sea. Maybe I see myself in all of my paintings.
I thought I will click myself in the room than develop the background as per my imagination. You see just the way those studio shoots happen. They take a white sheet, make people walk, talk, act. Later they edit the videos and change the background setting all together. That's where reality and imagination merge. Or maybe two realities meet. Or who knows - both are but images, no more alive than the other one.
I suddenly feel like doing that baraati waala dance in some North Indian wedding. But no people. Just that form. Can that amount of happiness come - without people? I wonder.
I think I should keep this box somewhere else. Else all these nuts will cause terror in my body. Btw, I feel so so slim these days. Like so fit that I can even go for modelling. Ha ha. Just remembered that girly joke of best hair - no see days and worst hair - all meet days.
I play a different playlist everyday. It helps me connect with so many selves of mine - colors of every range. Right now it's teenage like that I feel. Can't help. It's the music.
'Deedar de'. Like really?
How are you BTW? You almost choke me today. So so smogy. Never mind. I love you for even your flaws. Let's die together some time. Till then, Let's live together to the fullest. Let's make the most of the passing time.
I am feeling like acting these days - like make a movie upon my own life. Then it will be all real - And I will be a natural - all the time. But the story now - that is not supposed to be told. For then there are judgements. But who cares? That's my story. I can paint it the way I want and highlight what I want. For it is my life. It is my story.
Would love to modulate and make it mysterious. Would love to leave hints here and there yet maintain the lost premise. I will appear bright and then fade away slowly leaving my scent in the air to burn those lamps night long after I would be gone.
Wow! 22 minutes already. What a wonderful vision in you - I did see.
'Saaki saaki saaki'
Ha ha ha.
Like the song I used to dance upon when I was in 7th or 8th. Waah. Never knew, Sunidhi has been singing from that time.
I feel at peace with myself tonight. Don't know why. It's just strong - the effect of it. And there is this strange change in the way I am walking, dancing even doing the day to day activities. A kickass attitude, that girly touch, that hint of tradition, the respect. It's colorful and good - the feeling. Thanks 4 AM for making me realize it. The beauty in me. The value of the moment.
I think I will paint next. Don't know what but it will be like always - free flow of heart and hand. The colors they are orgasmic to use. They just blend into each other so music like. They are like water. But they take shape instead. They become something beautiful - to never fade. I love them - the colors.
I will dance along with them. Will make love to them. Right upon the clean white soft yet rough fabric of the canvas. Love you 4AM. Half an hour gone
Be with me while we together merge into the divine love of colors.
...............................
4 AM, Delhi
8th November
Let's dance! It's a lovely song - 'Lovers in Paris'. Or let's just sit down and sip our wines while absorbing each other through our eyes. Let's just do a shadow dance - face to face - same - every step. Let's just merge into each other tonight - like those serves colors in the pallette - so ready to blend - without even a medium. Let's.
The room is dark tonight. No light but us. I am lazing upon the smooth and cold tiled floor, getting cushiony with my flab.
I just hogged on coconut laddus BTW. Delicious - especially at 4 AM.
Aaah! Sad song. Let's change it. Or else I will flow with some emotions and it won't be so happy a meet. Wow! This one is like my new love. I heard it atleast five times today. Not that it's v. New but it has touched my heart now. I can feel the serenity and purity in the voice. I can reach the level of passion. And the lyrics are like jewels. Each word soothes my heart and soul.
'Tere dil mei meri sanson ko
Panah mil jaye
Tere ishq mei meri jaan
Fanah ho jaaye'
Btw, I saw a half moon this evening. It was golden and I felt so thankful to the cosmos. And my dear 4 AM, you are wearing stars tonight. It was a sunny day and a windy night. I felt so happy. I felt like crying.
Rone de aaj humko'
Tu ankhein salujane de
Bahon mei le le
Aur khud ko bheeg Jane de
Hai Jo seene mein kaid dariya
Wo choot jayega
Hai itna dard ki tera daaman
Bheeg jayega
I felt quite alone this evening. Not for myself. But for my dreams. For the person I believe in. Me.
Btw, I painted after a long time. Yes! I did paint. And I got inspiration by imagining one of the places where I was happiest.
Goa. In Agonda. It was a solo trip just after I left Bangalore. I couldn't help but paint that one ctrl+S Moment.
Adhoori saans thi
Dhadkan adhoori thi
Adhoore hum
Magar ab chaand
Poora hai falak pe
Poorey hain hum.
While I was checking out moon in the evening know, this song ended with this line giving me double depression 'mai to poori bhi nahi hai'. Ha Ha. And I don't mean love here. I mean travel, life, painting, writing, socializing, singing, a lot more. I really miss myself. I am doing things, just don't feel live enough or creative enough. I miss nature.
19 minutes gone. And it's a song I love - like am really close to it - 'All of me'. Aah!! It has way too many memories. How some songs simply get connected to some people in your lives. Maybe the people don't remain the same with you but the songs know - they always bring that you felt the first time when you got actually attached to it - when you merged into it the first time. With me, it is also about people. Or maybe no. Like I also remember the shit people do. I also believe in revenge and quitting a connection. Ha ha. But all that is my ego. Deep inside know - the emotions remain the same. Only that I find it more practical and better to wear the shield of my ego. It helps me protect my heart from a lot of unwanted emotions.
But I have realized pain is so important in one's life. Like look at me. I create so much when in pain. Specially I suddenly get this writer's flood. And I keep writing until I don't get relieved. But happy times know. Those are the times that hold us in sad times. We live on memories and hope. And we understand - the wheel of life. The waves.
I suddenly remembered, there are two baby rats at my home. They have recently come to our place because of winters. They are too small to kill or throw out. But you see am still conscious of them coz am sitting on the floor.
Sometimes I feel like letting them co-exist. Like poor fellows. And I remember all those animated movies where mouses and rats also have their own lives. Ha ha. But reality is different know.
That's what gives my dreams a reality check sometimes.
I am planning to work upon my novel next. Once am done with this painting. It's almost complete. Am wondering if I should put white flowers in the girl's hand or make her hold moon or maybe a box full of magic. Then I will put some bird like silver flying spots around. IDK. Let's see what the girl wants to be. I always stay flexible with my paintings. Like I let them develop the way they want. Also I let my brushes flow. Same applies in my novel. Even life. Ha ha.
Half an hour passed in just 5 minutes. Can't believe it. Good bye dear. Can't wait to meet you tomorrow.
.....................
4 AM, Delhi
9th November
Hi love. I was running late. Wasn't d to peel an orange and have music before meeting you. The time went still at 3:59 and you happened right after I got sorted with everything.
The energy in the air know is full of excitement. Some currency is banned. Some election on head. And I feel beautiful and happy. This song know 'Lovers in Paris' has kind of become our enthem our meeting song. It may also mean that am playing the same playlist again. Wait! Let me change it. Each day has to be different.
Some Top English romantic songs now. Ha ha.
I am in this melted mood tonight. Like I wanna spread myself on the silky sheets of love and warmth. There is a happiness inside that I can feel. There is an unknown joy. Like something beautiful is happening to me.
I went for a walk this evening. Felt great. There were few aunties like always, with heads which can't reply to smiles and expressions so ugly that they will upturn any codes of social ethics. But I felt beautiful with my honey curls tumbling upon my bare collar bones. And I felt great with a Matty hint of dabbed red upon my lips all moisturized with a balm. I love Delhi's winters and the full sleeved clothes with cool jackets and later even stoles.
I love to walk in foggy boulevards all covered sometimes with music in my ears, sometimes with a good company, mostly alone. Can't wait for the winters to happen. And you would be so difficult then 4 AM, yet, so so so romantic.
Only regret I have in winters is that I can't flaunt my tattoos. Ha ha. Guess gotta get one one face.
Btw, my tattoos mean alot to me. Each of them has a story behind it. I want a new one soon. Maybe Mystical Wanderer on my foot, or something written on my wrist, or a self written line falling upon the side of my waist, maybe something upon the side of my neck. But I am waiting for the ctrl+s moment.
Hey 4 AM, imagine being in Hauzkhaas fort at this time. It will be so peaceful and beautiful know. The stars reflecting upon the pond in garden with loads of dragonflies dancing around.
I wanna dance - like a passionate one. With expressions and a real evil dress. The song is so. Ha ha.
White shirts are my favourite. Right now myself feeling like wearing one. Along with some soft denims below. Also a tie. And then dance upon this 'oo na na'.. Ha ha. So filmy.
I can film myself in some blue light running between the walls of Qutub minar. There are lots of soldiers upon horses standing in neat lines all around in the middle area. And the king know is standing in front of them, talking to them. I am lost in my own world, tranced into the beauty of the place. It is suddenly daytime and I find colors of sun reflecting everywhere.
22 minutes of knowing you a bit more hun. Isn't it beautiful this travelling while being cosy in our inner den.
I didn't begin my work on the novel as yet. Also have a lot to do upon my YouTube videos and blog posts. But it's all going in the right direction.
Sometimes I wonder why do I spend so much time editing those pictures and uploading them on Facebook. Like really? It doesn't give me shit. But it does.
The purpose of my life I feel is to travel and promote the places I go to. Facebook helps me showcase the beauty of those solitary places - so out of reach of others.
Hence, I go selfless. And I write here with no motive in head. I paint without any reason. I make music for I love to. Coz money can't rule my life. Money instead snatches away my freedom. One day I will tame it to use it to my benefit. But that's about it. I can simply use money. I can never love it.
Love is different. Love is passion. And passions are never sold.
Like this 4 AM. This our meetings. They are so beautiful. They are so unique to us. No one spectating can feel the magic - the mantra that happens to us.
But some love stories become histories. You are my muse dear 4 AM. You inspire me to a level - that I go free and my fingers dance upon your rhythm.
The blood suddenly stopped reaching my fingers. Ha ha. I had to run my hand wildly in air to get rid of the jitters throughout nerves of my hands.
With this life gushing into my hand, I bid you farewell. Will wait for you tommorow. Love. See you then.
.................................................................................................................................
4 AM, Delhi
14th November
Hello Hello ... Ssup magic? The moon is full. Auspicious time. Even special. Moon is quite close to earth tonight and tomorrow. Next it will be this close will be in 2034.
I am lucky. Also blessed. For we are together in this magical moment. I have been dancing. All winter gone. I am sweating. Feeling happy and energetic. My fingers are tapping at full speed on their own.
Another matter of joy is that I have begun a new thing. I am building my own website. Well I don't know HTML coding and all. I can learn but that will take time. And I have got a decent alternative to it. There is this website builder available. I am customising it as per my requirement. It is quite time consuming but I can connect all my ventures all on one platform and that's what I have always wanted. To make it all connected. Like a varnish of love.
Can feel the breeze on my skin now. I will need my stole soon.
The moon is total round so cute so beautiful. Beautiful voice.
'Main rahun ya na rahun
Tum mujhe kahin baaki rehna..
Bus itna hai tumse kehna'
Wow lyrics. And his voice has pain and depth in it.
'Kisi roz baarish Jo aye
Samajh Lena boondo mein main hun'
Which reminds me that I love rain and it has been a long time I have had a bath in it. Delhi has already stepped into it's winter phase. Plus the recent smog will make even the first rain all acidic.
Most of the times,I don't miss even the changing season's times. I don't allow my body to fall sick. That's it.
'Hawaon mein lipta hua main
Guzar jaunga tumko choo kar
Agar Mann ho to rok Lena
Theher jaunga in labon pe'
Sometimes I wonder about writers' anxiety to be immortal through their work. Is it possible? I wonder. For once one dies the entity dissolves. Only memory remains. That too has an expiery. The elements change their form. The waves gets mixed with the other waves.
Lot of mosquitoes. Let me wear my hood. Shit it has got cold kept on the marble wall.
Moon Moon Moon. I never get tired of it. I celebrate it. Love it.
'Tujhe paane ka junoon
Is kadar hai
Tere khwabon SE bhari
Ye nazar hai
Zara dheere SE mere
Paas aao'
I passed my entire Sunday - sleeping. Will you believe it? I think that charm of weekends lies in the weekdays. Weekdays got to be exhausting to celebrate the weekends. Sleeping is not my kind of Sunday. I like it when I sleep. But never do I feel like sleeping. It's like I wasted my life sleeping over it. Crazy know. I understand it's value. Still I rather prefer to live my life - day and night - as much as I can. Greed? May be. But then I am an extreme person. I like it to be at the zenith - whatever it is. To do justice to it. This phase hence is dedicated to even sleep. For my entire life I have never slept at nights. And sleeping during day gives your body rest in half the time. US shift they call it. Ha ha.
Mumbai is one of the possibilities next in my mind. Not that I planned it - but I can feel the vibes. So many energies from the same side. I always feel the pull. I don't know why and how. But I can sense it. Let's see. I am also waiting. Even the purpose or reason is missing. But I know it.
I have to edit pictures of last 6 trips of mine. Isn't it huge? One trip on an average contains 2K pictures. Ha ha. No. am not crazy. Or maybe I am. And yes, I live the moments. But capturing them 10% of times gives me cherishable memories which become transcendental once I am out of that birth. Every trip makes me another person. And later it seems like another person in some other land. Like even last month's trip seems so distant, so before.
A beautiful song.
'Lag ja gale ki fir ye
Haseen raat ho na ho
Shayad fir is janam mein
Mulakaat ho na ho'
'Paas ayie ki hum nahin
Ayenge baar baar
Bahein gale mein daal ke
Hum to lein zaar zaar
Ankhon SE fir ye pyaar ki
Barsaat ho na ho
Shayad fir is janam mein
Mulakaat ho na ho.'
Ha ha... Seems like I have become a piti hui ashiq. Bit seems like it. Am not am sure.
I still wonder.. How have I become such a person. I don't seek a person any more. My thoughts are dedicated to nature, poetry, art, music, moon, nights, life, philosophies, career, attempt to gain a panoptical view or who knows.
When I read my poems or listen to my songs - there are emotions - a lot of them - only the dedication is mysteriously hidden, mostly dedicated to cosmos.
It's weird how topics shift to people when genre becomes pain. But nowadays even that is a verb for me, no more noun, only and only - nature travel. I miss it. I really do.
I wanna listen to that song now
'Magar ab chaand poora hai
Falak PE
Aur poore hain hum'
The moon is actually full tonight.
And half an hour gone. Bye love. Meanwhile I will tune to that song. After this though..
'Aapki nazron ne samjha
Pyaar ke kaabil mujhe
Dil ki aie thadkan theher ja
Mil gyi manzil mujhe'
Ha ha.. Not yet... But soon.
Bye love.
...............................................................................................................................
4 AM, Delhi
14th November
Hello Hello ... Ssup magic? The moon is full. Auspicious time. Even special. Moon is quite close to earth tonight and tommorow. Next it will be this close will be in 2034.
I am lucky. Also blessed. For we are together in this magical moment. I have been dancing. All winter gone. I am sweating. Feeling happy and energetic. My fingers are tapping at full speed on their own.
Another matter of joy is that I have begun a new thing. I am building my own website. Well I don't know HTML coding and all. I can learn but that will take time. And I have got a decent alternative to it. There is this website builder available. I am customising it as per my requirement. It is quite time consuming but I can connect all my ventures all on one platform and that's what I have always wanted. To make it all connected. Like a varnish of love.
Can feel the breeze on my skin now. I will need my stole soon.
The moon is total round so cute so beautiful. Beautiful voice.
'Main rahun ya na rahun
Tum mujhe kahin baaki rehna..
Bus itna hai tumse kehna'
Wow lyrics. And his voice has pain and depth in it.
'Kisi roz baarish Jo aye
Samajh Lena boondo mein main hun'
Which reminds me that I love rain and it has been a long time I have had a bath in it. Delhi has already stepped into it's winter phase. Plus the recent smog will make even the first rain all acidic.
Most of the times,I don't miss even the changing season's times. I don't allow my body to fall sick. That's it.
'Hawaon mein lipta hua main
Guzar jaunga tumko choo kar
Agar Mann ho to rok Lena
Theher jaunga in labon pe'
Sometimes I wonder about writers' anxiety to be immortal through their work. Is it possible? I wonder. For once one dies the entity dissolves. Only memory remains. That too has an expiery. The elements change their form. The waves gets mixed with the other waves.
Lot of mosquitoes. Let me wear my hood. Shit it has got cold kept on the marble wall.
Moon Moon Moon. I never get tired of it. I celebrate it. Love it.
'Tujhe paane ka junoon
Is kadar hai
Tere khwabon SE bhari
Ye nazar hai
Zara dheere SE mere
Paas aao'
I passed my entire Sunday - sleeping. Will you believe it? I think that charm of weekends lies in the weekdays. Weekdays got to be exhausting to celebrate the weekends. Sleeping is not my kind of Sunday. I like it when I sleep. But never do I feel like sleeping. It's like I wasted my life sleeping over it. Crazy know. I understand it's value. Still I rather prefer to live my life - day and night - as much as I can. Greed? May be. But then I am an extreme person. I like it to be at the zenith - whatever it is. To do justice to it. This phase hence is dedicated to even sleep. For my entire life I have never slept at nights. And sleeping during day gives your body rest in half the time. US shift they call it. Ha ha.
Mumbai is one of the possibilities next in my mind. Not that I planned it - but I can feel the vibes. So many energies from the same side. I always feel the pull. I don't know why and how. But I can sense it. Let's see. I am also waiting. Even the purpose or reason is missing. But I know it.
I have to edit pictures of last 6 trips of mine. Isn't it huge? One trip on an average contains 2K pictures. Ha ha. No. am not crazy. Or maybe I am. And yes, I live the moments. But capturing them 10% of times gives me cherishable memories which become transcendental once I am out of that birth. Every trip makes me another person. And later it seems like another person in some other land. Like even last month's trip seems so distant, so before.
A beautiful song.
'Lag ja gale ki fir ye
Haseen raat ho na ho
Shayad fir is janam mein
Mulakaat ho na ho'
'Paas ayie ki hum nahin
Ayenge baar baar
Bahein gale mein daal ke
Hum to lein zaar zaar
Ankhon SE fir ye pyaar ki
Barsaat ho na ho
Shayad fir is janam mein
Mulakaat ho na ho.'
Ha ha... Seems like I have become a piti hui ashiq. Bit seems like it. Am not am sure.
I still wonder.. How have I become such a person. I don't seek a person any more. My thoughts are dedicated to nature, poetry, art, music, moon, nights, life, philosophies, career, attempt to gain a panoptical view or who knows.
When I read my poems or listen to my songs - there are emotions - a lot of them - only the dedication is mysteriously hidden, mostly dedicated to cosmos.
It's weird how topics shift to people when genre becomes pain. But nowadays even that is a verb for me, no more noun, only and only - nature travel. I miss it. I really do.
I wanna listen to that song now
'Magar ab chaand poora hai
Falak PE
Aur poore hain hum'
The moon is actually full tonight.
And half an hour gone. Bye love. Meanwhile I will tune to that song. After this though..
'Aapki nazron ne samjha
Pyaar ke kaabil mujhe
Dil ki aie thadkan theher ja
Mil gyi manzil mujhe'
Ha ha.. Not yet... But soon.
Bye love.
...............................................................................................................................
4 AM, Delhi
15th November
Yo love. Welcome in this Supermoonic moment. I am listening to some kickass music. So calm. So profound.
Not in a v. Sparky mood. Like I got up at 2:30 AM so still in lazy phase. Would you believe I was working on my website day and night. Didn't sleep except those two hours that I passed out. I was afraid that won't be able to make it to our meeting. But my mind was aware enough to wake me on time.
Website is 80% done. Like not everything but the basics that I require before publishing it. Like the content can be generated later on as well. But it should be flawless and complete right from the first time. I don't want even a single click go wasted in my website.
O yes, I forgot to share last night - I was finally able to compose a semi-song. Like it has a tune initially and after the chorus part, it's poetry. It's in Hindi.
I have realized that after returning to Delhi I have embraced Hindi once again. My playlist is now readable and has songs that I can also sing along. Ha ha. It had majorly turned to either instruments for listening or English to dance. I had got a scholarship in Hindi once and I was really proud of it. In Bangalore I used to miss it. Speaking every time in English and listening only other language as Kannada, it was suddenly special - Hindi - like something which was connected to my roots - so happily settled deep inside the soil. And the fruits had no traces of roots visible upon them. But now, I like it. Also I miss Kannada around me for the sound of it is so full of love.
So I am invited to Goa by a friend. He is from Dubai and I have never met him. He has a group along with him. And he wants me join also guide. I can. Won't it be nice to spend Christmas with waves and new energies side by side. And then I can extend it as a solo trip till New year like I did 2 years back. Won't it be special to give my career another beginning just like the older time. But this time I won't go to Bangalore. I will rather go to Mumbai. Just like last time I will give myself 15 days - if I will get it all sorted - I will then go to Bangalore to attend my besti's wedding. Then return to Delhi. Pick up my luggage and return to Mumbai. Ha ha. Plans!!! Gosh! I so love to day dream. Another idea is to just leave to travel around the country penniless and create another history. Aah!! Something! Soon.
I want to come up with a video for my introduction in my website. It should be different right. Like a person gets directly to see me and listen to me to know about me and my website. I had initially decided to write a lot of content all over to make it all well descriptive. But then I changed my plan. It should be brief I feel and picaresque. With as many pictures and as few words. And then there are links attached all over - connecting my different channels - displaying my work.
Momcy took me to a Gurudwara today for it is Guruparva. I liked the Sufi kind of music in between. Also vibes were great. But I found it extremely crowded and since I don't understand Punjabi, sitting there for so long was bit difficult. Later momsha told me the story what was being said there. It was a saakhi - the incidents of Guru nanak's life with a moral. I am not religious as such. But I went for my mom. And she was happy - so I was happy.
'Kuch to hai tujhse raabta'
Isn't it? We - this moon and our musings.
Off... Love this one -
'Fir le aya dil majboor
Kya kije
Raas na aya rehna door
Kya kijiye
Use mukkammal kar bhi aao
Wo Jo adhoori si baat baaki hai
Wo Jo adhoori si yaad baaki hai'
All my thoughts are again again pulled towards my website. I wonder if I have taken a bath today. I don't remember anything. O yes! I did. Ha ha.
'Kismat ko hai ye manzoor
Kya kije
Milte rahein hum
Baadastoor
Kya kijiye
Use musalsal kar bhi aao
Wo Jo ruki si raah baaki hai
Wo Jo ruki si chaah baaki hai'
I do miss travel. I really do. It was never a month's gap, ever since I got my love. But look at this year man! It seems I have become a saint or something. Going on so many holy trips. But I had few solo trips this year and they were all transcendental.
I feel it is all destined. Where I am supposed to reach at what time. So I try to make the most of my present - and be here - in this time. For that song 'I'm gonna love you' is more like my key mantra. So I love everything in my life with as much intensity with that fear - what if I loose even this. For I have lost so many and so much. But that gives me new. That gives me more. It is always cyclic. To make it the next step - I have to leave the one before. To move forward I have to keep moving on. But that love that holds you at certain moments - in certain situations. And the desire to go back to it stays in mind again and again until another situation becomes uniquely special in it's own special way.
'Ye kaali raat jakad lun
Ye thanda chaand pakad lun
Din raat ke bairi bhed ka
Rukh mod ke main rakh dun
Tujhe sang bair lagaya aisa
Raha na main fir apne jaisa'
I am feeling cold tonight. Maybe because I was warm in bed for half the night.
I wanna paint again. But No. Not nature this time. But a portrait. A girl sitting with her back in front. She is on a rock with muddy shades behind. There is is brown on her skin, turpentine yellow, even red here and there and on other side shade of white. Like there is light on one side bit dark on another side. And she is sitting gracefully bare of anything artificial. Just she - her naked most self. Her locks are tied in a bun with a wild flower in it - white in color.
Some time I will make it. Don't know when I will feel like it. Even I didn't know I had the vision so clear.
Hey! A covered a few songs. One - 'Yun hi chala chal raahi'. This was appreciated by friends. I also kind of liked my voice in it - which is rare.
Another 'Jar of hearts' by Christina Perry. I really wanted to cover this one for a long time. But whenever I sing it on my own know - it is never perfect. One because there is no music when I sing. Also no matter how much I try, I miss the tune in second stanza. So in evening I finally thought to shoot it - just like that. So I arranged mild lights on my face and sang full power on the terrace. Ha ha. Towards end I felt so confident. Trust me I had never seen that bad a video. I was hardly visible. The voice was loud but not at all in tune, rather coarse. The pitch is both high and low in original but mine got fucked in the changing notes. Shit. Ha ha. I felt embarrassed suddenly feeling guilty to sing on my terrace that bad. But that was me. I tried. I enjoyed. So, it was fun.
Alright love. It's been so late now. I just don't feel like letting you go. See you then. Or else I will never stop.
.................................................................................................
4 AM, DELHI
16TH November
Hi love. We are meeting through my lapi for the first time
today. I usually prefer my inkpad on my phone. The Moon is still out am sure,
also the many stars around with just one so close. I am in my room now – all cozy
and warm. Was not feeling too well to stay on terrace for night long. This
Notepad – it kills my creativity by pointing out my flaws every now and then.
Ha Ha. Like I have to use ‘I’ as the doer or else you won’t know that it’s me.
Nice music but I have this sudden gush of headache causing
pangs of tremors in half my head with beats of the song thumping much louder in
my entire head. Let me change this song.
I saw many videos of mine tonight recorded in some other
time. I had to choose the right ones to showcase them in my website. I am 95%
done. As such it is difficult to satisfy my mind sometimes. I keep pondering
upon it – experimenting this and that – changing its positions. It’s just nice
to work again – this bringing life with animated icons – linking up sites and going
through all my work so far again and again. It motivates me. It self generates
new ideas to improve it the next time. I realized that I have always been
productive – even in my leisure times.
I was listening about Karl Marx some time back. I was able
to so identify with his ideas. Even I feel that there is no need for me to get
swiped in capitalism. That I have no interest in becoming but a sub sub part in
some giant machine or industry – with no immediate output visible from my side.
That if I would make money the purpose of my life then I won’t do justice to
probably what I can do the best. Instead I will simply be subjected to slavery
packed in the wrapper of an illusion that I am the owner of my life. I want to
instead be free and do what I feel like doing - To create without any motive
behind. But the purpose is there am sure- may it be only a beautiful thing to
be gifted to the world.
Also I heard about Freud’s life. He believed that most of
the problems happen in the world are because of this repression of pleasure
principle inside us. But if overdone, we have no limits. That in either case we
are all caught in Neurosis.
So I have this idea of having another blog now – this time
dedicated to travel. This one has all my emotions and expressions. That would
be just travel. And I will make it on Wordpress so that I can have the same
domain name even there. I find BlogSpot more friendly though. And on one page
of my website I can have these links going to different blogs of mine. I can
also have some categories there – Urdu, Hindi, Diary entries and articles – all
showcasing selected posts from this blog. Then for travel – it will be more
animated – with diagrams and all. Let’s see. For now – the website is quite
ready to be published. Just a few details – also – the Meta data part. I can
get done with it in one more sitting.
Enough of formal stuff. This pain and the lapi are just not
letting me go free about the moment. Or maybe I am too engaged to not even
bother about what I am sharing and if it is suitable enough or not. But I just
considered it.
Last December I had made a video on Romantic era – covering
significant writers and poets from that time. It had taken me two- three days
to record it and a week to edit and finally upload. I had really enjoyed those
moments. And ever since I never forgot the content in it. I wanna do it again.
Wanna record yet another video on some other era now. I had fully decided to
make more at that time. Guess I got too engrossed in life. Now is the time. But
all this lies on a major factor – it’s this side or that - this time. Let’s
see. Fingers crossed. Actually am free about it. I have left it on cosmos. Only
that can decide the direction of my life.
It’s been a long time I have gone for a party and danced
full power .In Bangalore it was a must – like everyday. Delhi is different.
Even if I will go, I would neither find as good music, neither an educated
decent crowd. I mean that’s my usual experience. People are way way roudy here –
not in the right direction. My life now is now gaining depths I feel. I was
flowing like water all over – as much as I wanted. There is always a time where
you gotta save your folder. Just to make it a base point – where you can come
back to.
Bye my love. Thanks for being my Milestone.
................................................................................
4 AM, Delhi
17th November
Am on terrace with a moon, Orion and few stars looking down at us. Hi 4 AM. Thoughtless moments. I was in a cozy bed, came upstairs to make us. And here I am. Feeling a bit cold but suddenly excited.
Let me play something more happening.
You have become fucking shivery with time. I remember my college days. I was chubby with a natural layer of fat in me meant especially for winters - for I never felt cold and people around me used to wonder how. I hardly believed in more than two layers. Also because I wanted to look slim. With time I realized that a nice jacket covering it all makes even your flab invisible. Also I now have no flab to hide as such. Not that I care that much any more.
Hey! Wanna dance. It gives me warmth always. I wish we had some rum with us. 'Old Monk' - it was my favorite in Bangalore. It's quality has degraded tremendously. Also I don't like liquor's taste any more. Probably it's because it's no more a part of my life. But sometimes know - sober seems a high on it's own.
My website is almost complete. Just that am still not satisfied. Like it looks good as such. Quite enticing for those who share the same interest. It's about the content. I feel I have not displayed the best as yet. I can give it time. And just launch it. Later work upon it alongside. But I want it to be flawless and the best at the v. First go. Imagine, I am sleeping, drinking, eating - my website these days. Ha ha. Suddenly it feels like oh no, I will be judged upon this. As in is it worth the effort? Will I continue to bother about it this much even later? Who knows? For now this is what I am doing and I wanna give my best.
I have this long craving to go to Qutub Minar and create something. I am in Delhi, under no compulsion, with everyday - a beautiful weather - and yet!
I think it's more because of sitting on cold floor everyday that I feel so cold. Or maybe the mysterious stuff is to be blamed.
I feel so empty today. Like no thoughts at all. Nothing. Peaceful. Calm. Also because I had a long sleep after two three days. And I was dead. There was this intense noise at the time when I was just passing out. My uneducated and uncivil immediate neighbors had played AIR at full volume in their kitchen, locked their house and left. Their kitchen is right beside my room. How can someone do that? Like play something and leave the fucking house. And then some people were doing some pooja in the ground floor of opposite building. The inhuman religious assholes. If you wanna pray, just pray. Why do you have to fucking play it on loudspeakers and disturb everyone around. Usually I am tolerant towards it for living in society makes you used to all that. But I had this intense headache and needed to sleep.
Trust me, the moment I fell asleep I was dead - so tired I was.
I really like those houses of just ground floor and maximum first floor. A basement is rather preferred. And a large terrace with a huge garden around. Or better still - nearby mountains with all around lush green fields with no boundaries. A wooden cottage maybe. And yes, a river nearby. Reminded me of Shiva cottage suddenly.
So Shiva cottage was a place in old Manali. I had stayed there for many days in college time. I met there a 5 year old kid - Gonzalo -who changed my life forever.
I was so enticed by him that rather than spending time with my friends, I was always indulged with him. He had touched my soul. The first time I had met him, I was sitting upon a large rock beside Beas like a tigress. He came from behind and said Hi. I can never forget the line he told me that day. He said, 'I wanna become like you'. To hear it from some grown ups for certain qualities it is common but from a five year innocent who had hypnotized you in the v. First meet - it was special. He had seen me lying upon some rocks on riverbed and he had seen the river flowing over me. He wanted to 'flow in the river' like me. What an observation!
Whatever he said, always came true. He introduced me to his friend - a green colored grass bug. He fed me sweet cherries from his own tiny palms. With him I felt like a princess - someone so so loved by divine itself. He was supernatural or so I felt. He used to call Sun his friend and even had words with him. Once he took my palm and made me marry him by putting some grass upon my head and making me do the same. We even took merry go rounds around a pile of grass and his little cap that he had kept in between. He was lovely. He vanished suddenly. I was never able to meet him again. I have his name tattooed on my ring finger. I wish him love wherever he is. Sometimes I feel I am meant to meet him sometime again. I deserve atleast that. I really want to meet him once. I feel as if a part of me is still with him. He is Italian -living still in Himachal. And I miss him.
Half an hour gone. Bye hun.
Hey! I just came back home and realized - there was a fucking earthquake and I didn't even feel it. Was my shiver actually an earthquake. Lol. It's weird. I didn't feel it even if I was sitting upon the floor of a terrace and even writing about it. shit! Ha ha.
Let me check the scale it. It will be amusing to know.
So the news said it had 6.8 magnitude in Myanmar with tremors in Delhi. But in Mynmar it was at around 7:30 PM. I then logged on to Facebook. Ha Ha. People are in this mad race to upload anything from rain to pain over there. So I saw, A gush of posts 'earthquake this and that' around half an hour ago. So it is confirmed. Hilarious to have never known!
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18th November
Hello.. I got late today by one hour but I still wanted to meet you. I know it's not the same but I thought something is better than nothing. I had passed out in the drawing room itself last night. At 4:45 AM I got up all startled by my Momcy's alarm and I was like 'shit shit shit! I missed 4 AM'. Ha Ha... But then here we are. I am sure in some other time zone it must be exactly 4 right now. And have I not realized with my life that it all coexists - past, present and future - that even our dreams live in a parallel world. That either it's all a dream or all dreams are real. Or IDK..
One think that I find strange is that how every human being has his or her own philosophy behind what is world and how does it function. They define God in someway. They explain life in another. Some believe in reality. Some simple get duped in living it intentionally avoiding all these issues for either old age or the rest of the world. However, but some or the other story does cling on the canvas of every single psyche and that is how each gets comfortable with matters of life and existence.
What puzzles me most is when people fight over it trying to impose their imagination as universal truth upon others.
Hey! An old friend from my college time just casually visited suddenly last evening. I was not expecting anyone at home. It was pleasing surprise. I showed him my website and felt happy to see his. He is into photography. I remember him once appreciating one of my pictures in a pink top in college. That one picture still reminds me of him sometimes. But as such I hardly remember much about our meets or conversations. It felt nice to talk to someone though. As such I usually communicate with anyone these days.
Website is going great. Yet to make further improvisations. It is 99% complete for the first launch. But a lot of background work to be done. You see the platform is amazing but the links it takes people to should also be well presented. All my videos on YouTube are original and raw. Now people like watching stuff which has nice cover and a little description about what they are being offered. So I have to do the dressing Part of so many videos. Plus the keywords and all. It takes time - to play every video again, listen to it, find a suitable picture for thumbnail -edit it. Now a thumbnail can be taken from the video itself, but most of the time it is not upto my satisfaction.
Similar thing caught all my time even in blogs. When I had launched my blog page I had no clue about anything in Marketing. I used to write and simply post but along with oh so pretty pictures - downloaded from anywhere or everywhere. Paintings, posters - ah so pretty pictures. I was not earning as such through them. I just found them beautiful and I used them. Even though I always specially signed below each of my post 'Written by - Mystical Wanderer' but still the people had issue with it. So I finally am getting rid of anything which is not mine on that blog. It has to be authentic - I realized. Plus I have like lakhs of pictures in my own deposit. I don't need to borrow a single one from outside. It is just that this process is more time taking and laborious. For you got to first figure out then edit the relevant picture. My blog looks so lifeless without pictures. But soon I will color it again with life. I really am into visual description. Of course the words are my power. Sometimes I even feel what if there is no sight and only thought or words. But like that I also have many confusions about language and what it can offer. Which brings me to Derrida's deconstruction - where I use the same medium that I find fictitious.
All sober this morning. It's strange how am even writing. Usually, the person that I am - I can stay awake all night and day and work on but I can't just get up and work. Have I changed. Like IDK. I wish I had got up right on time though. Nonetheless, with a fresh mind, a beautiful morning and a healthy spirit I feel so warm to just snuggle along with you in my blanket and talk to you. Will have a coffee in some time. Also am hungry. Ha ha... Morning pangs!!
I don't feel honest meeting you today for it doesn't feel the same writing to you at this time. So we will keep it short. Will meet you tomorrow love. I will be on time. Loads and loads of love with happy smiles. Adios!
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4 AM, Delhi
19th November
Hi hun. It's a beautiful time. Half moon and my lucky omen - a blue star in the sky. Also Orion is still visible and its all magical.
'Ik zamane ke baad
Ayi hai shaam ei gam'
Ha ha.. This is happy though. Also morning.
Hey! I made it right on time today. I had to wait night long for you. Like I was insanely sleepy at night but didn't want to miss us.
I am almost done with my blogs. Like the pictures part also sharing few links in my website.
So that part is sorted. Yet to work upon 250 videos and find out relavent pictures. Ha ha. Seems it will take forever. What if I die tommorow. Will someone upload it? Ha ha. I sometimes wonder why don't I live it instead rather than registering my life all the time. So I live it. But I find it too beautiful to just let it flow. So I take snapshots - in my mind, photographs, writings - whatever my spirit finds.
I went to Select city walk mall in Saket last evening. I like that place - it has good vibes. Also, I always feel transcended into some other place over there. One thing is crowd, another the construction. The lights too play a vital role. But majorly because of it's background color. Like the shade of air. You see, I have observed this strange fact that just like every place has it's own smell, it also has it's v. Own color. Like when I see some European movies or places - the color seems vintage. In Bangalore it has this cool, cosy, colourful vibe. Delhi has more of sarkaari kind of feel. That DDA kinds. Gigantic and shades are bit dull and dusted. Even the historical places - like they take you to some other time - but the shade remains same. Even the color of green varies. So, I like this shade of Select city walk. I know the parameters can't be same for a mall, a city, a state, a country or a collection of them. But you got it right. It's about the aura of a place. Can vary from pin to plane.
I have fallen in love with Delhi again though. Like the city for it's vibes and places. But I have always loved, adored it that way. It's the people that I have issues with. But I can't deny my roots all the time.
Oh shit! I just heard an anklet dancing right beside. Maybe my own. Maybe the music plugged into my ears. But the sensation of a presence is there.
I am on my terrace BTW. And it is chilly yet good.
I can see it coming - another trip soon. I hope to have it after I get sorted with some creative project in my life. As such there is already a huge pile on my platter - with this website and novel and painting. But all this won't give me an immediate output. As such, they are my passion and I have no hidden intentions with those things.
But... It is essential to get something different and engaging. Something creative and at the same time with social value in it.
And I am dancing with just my arms like a DJ. Ha ha. Trippy song.
I just closed my eyes for a fraction and I saw a beautiful painting of a blue river flowing in three distributaries in a green land. I open and close my eyes again. The scene turns real - so alive. I can feel the flow of the rivers. The green if those trees are all over my eyes. The ground elevates into a huge mountain. The rivers are flowing below that mountain now - towards one side. It's a wide, clear, light blue sky. The cliff turns from brown to green.
Someone is playing with skyshots right now. Like really? What's the occasion like? Waah! The sky looks pretty with them. Also smoky.
The blue star is right in front - upon my head. I love this one - Gonzalo had shown it to me - long back.
He used to call it as his father - Lord Shiva. He called himself Ganesha. I miss seeing this star in Himachal with him. I miss him.
But the moment is happy. So it will be. I am doing what I am supposed to do - Mystical Wanderer is lost in her journey - in various doings.
I don't think I can ever come to know the exact purpose of my life. Sometimes I feel - we do what we are destined to do. For I have seen so many patterns in my life. The places, people, happenings, spots. It's like a series of circles intertwined. But I do come to a point of my past sometime. I do enter another lifetime.
I am feeling cold now. Staying at home has made me all feeble I guess. I have always been a tough bird otherwise.
I love Eagles and hawks. They fly on the top - far off from chaos. They are huge and they fly with this solid might. I love them for their strength and flight.
Trade fair is on these days in Delhi. Momcy just loves it. So I am tagged along often times. I find it kind of same everytime. Even the pavilions seem similar to the previous times. But every years one state is given a special space. People crowd it insanely. But it is way too informative coz not only every state showcases the qualities of it's state as per the ranging themes of the fair but I get to learn so much about atleast that one special state. Momcy ensures that we go to the one with new experiments and models of industries and tools. Few things do catch my attention. Sometimes they are boring. But then you suddenly realize - 'oh shit! Now this is possible'. And woah! I feel dazzled. Just that crowded places are not my types. Still it always feels beautiful that end that trip - one day with my Momsha in Trade fair. The dusk is eventful. Once the stalls are closed, there are lights all over and fountains. Sometimes we also get to see a play or musical show. But all that has fixed times. Then begins the long ordeal of making your way either through long ques till Metro or walk a long distance to the car parking. The feet always get to pain by the end of it. But the excitement on my mom's face once we return - the unique art pieces, clothes, houseware - she gets in. That one expression gives me the kick. Like oh, it was all worth it.
Will get going now. Bye Yo. Meet you tomorrow.
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4 AM, Delhi
20th November
Hello.. It was a strange night until we met today. Like I was so lifeless and pointless. Suddenly it feels nice. Maybe because I am listening to music just now and I saw my own dance videos that I had recorded this morning - they made me feel good.
I had a nice sleep today though. But that hollowness after it was so suffocative - like no thoughts, no energy - just this burden of existence. This morning I was working upon my travel videos - all that made me miss travel all the more. I always feel - was that me? Am I the same? The girl lost in nature seems like someone else. The girl dancing seems another. The one sitting right now here talking to you dear 4 AM is someone else.
What should I talk about today? Mind is so empty. Had you been a person I would have just been silent with you.
I feel happy though - Ha ha.. Suddenly. Let me dance for few minutes. That will fill energy in me.
Couldn't dance. Just wanna sit and be. Crazy me.
This morning I had this crazy attack. I played loud music and danced all over in my home. Recorded videos, clicked photographers. In Bangalore's room it was an everyday thing. Ha ha. I miss it.
'Chana mereya.. Channa mereya..'
I feel like convincing myself to be happy. I should change this music first of all.
'And you can dance for inspiration'
Madonna plugged in.
It's weird how when I missed out time that one day - I was so anxious - say the right feel was missing. Today I am right on time and I have like nothing to say. It's a void. Can it be nice? Let's make it.
I need your warmth - the embrace, the surety. The moon is less than half and v. Tiny - right upon my head.
Hey, the blue star is visible today as well. It is either there when I am extremely happy or it makes me happy.
I suddenly remembered Shahjahanabad fort. Maybe I am missing the right name. It's in Delhi itself - really ancient and beautiful. It's almost in ruins. Core grandiloquent. It's roofs are almost gone. But the rooms of those palaces could still be imagined amidst those broken walls. There is a history of pain and love in it's aura. It's close to Hauzkhaas.
I feel lucky sometimes. And just now I realized - we do have hell lot of historical places in and around Delhi that I can visit and feel.
There is a bliss in history - balm like effect. Those walls give me strength of experience.
'Tujhe dekh ke lekin
Ye dil damagaye
Mujhe azaan dekar
Tu mujhko jagae
Mujhe le ke nazar mein
Tu mujhe ko jagaye
Mere imaan mei
Hai tuuuuuuu'
I really want to work along with a creative set of people - the artists. It can be anything - Art, music, media production, photography.. Aah!! Anything. I need artistic people in life. One can learn so much from and along with others.
There is a fear inside me - which is making me anxious. I can't even work because of it. Can't even tell it. But it is bothering me.
I am trying to get over it.
'Tu hamsafar hai
Fir kya fikar hai'.
Cosmos answers my all anxities.
'Tera nazara mila
Roshan sitara mila
Taqdeer ki kashtiyon ko
Kinara mila'
Travel... Travel... Travel...
'Kuch to hai tujhse raabta'
Going downstairs now. Bye love.
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4 AM, Delhi
21st November
Hi yo.. I don't remember writing on the 20th. Did we meet? :P
Nice mood.. Tiny moon today.. Lovely music..it's Thagni Shreyas and Abhas. Sufi music. So like my mood.
This morning I gonna publish my website. So excited. I can forsee the happy times. Can feel it.
I sang with all my heart last evening. Wow experience. Covered 'Jar of Hearts'. This time in my room with karaoke music behind. Quite happy with the audio part. Video sucks but never mind. Over there it's the song that matters more. I really wanted to do it. Happy now for I have even uploaded it.
Dancing now on terrace. Lovely night. Happy I am. And yes! It's a starry night. So many stars shimmering in the clear sky. And that distant tiny moon is extra bright. I can see it more like a friend than a lover. It seems like a she to me now. Like a besti. Ha ha. I sound teenage like. But emotions remain same know. We just learn to control. Or we say we have got matured. Layer per layer of the world. The pure cosmic self full of love gets repressed someone inside the layers. I like things bare. In their most natural form.
I watched Mohan Jodaro in afternoon. I know it was not as per public demand but it was transcendental for me. Like not from the story part but the place and it's cinematography. Being Sindhi I have always been curious about my roots. I even aspire to visit Sindh sometime and feel the vibes. The movie was based in Indus valley civilisation. I was allured by River Indus.
'Man laago mera yaar
Laago fakeeri mein'
Mystic... Fakir... Sufi... Safar.. Music... - just the keyword for my genre of being.
Even the pole star is extra bright today. And the star beside Moon is so pretty.
Do you think I should include my sketches and water color paintings as well along with Acrylics? Maybe I will. Ha ha... More ideas.. Don't know how I will manage to convince myself to upload it tommorow.
The moon is reflecting upon my screen when there is no light. Wow. Moon in my palms in this white Carcass. <3
'Jheeni re Jheeni re chadariyaa'
Even this sky looks like a classy grey dupatta with stars as light peeping in - all over.
A plane is connecting the dots in the sky.
Miss naani suddenly. She had cancer. But she was much more than just that trait. A beautiful soul - so full of life. She loved to be perfect. Wonder - what was her zodiac. She flows in my veins. I love her. Miss her. She was a friend. A person so full of selfless love. Her food was yum. Her talks were fun. And her laughter - it still rings in my ears. Plus she made something phenomenal - my mom.
'Ud jayega Hans akela
Jag darshan ka mela'
I can feel her around. Can hear my Nani's sound.
Hollowed now. But calm. In peace. Bye for now love. Will meet tomorrow - in a new mode. Alvida.
...........
4 AM, Delhi
22nd November
Hi love. A sky full of stars and a pretty moon welcomes you. Sufi playlist again. There is pain in my heart today. Don't wanna talk about it. Just wanna be in it. Kind of cosy in here - even if I am sitting on the cold barren floor.
Hey I published my website today. I was so so exited for it the entire day. I suddenly feel free. It was consuming all my time and thoughts. Not that I don't have to work on it. But well begun is half done right. ;)
There is one bright star. I am confused if it is pole star or blue star.
Just had a conversation with someone in Himachal. Just the mention of Shiva cottage transcends me to that magical aura - Beas on it's full bloom - all all around the lush green flora.
Am not adequately dressed so feeling a bit cold. But the sky is pretty - a heavenly lure to my soul.
I wanna cry tonight. I don't know why. 'Sab jhooth hai' - I heard someone saying yesterday. I remembered my eternal realisation - I remembered - The world of Maya.
There is a movie where Aliya plays the role of a girl facing adversities of life and one day breaking into tears she looks at the sky saying, 'Mai tooti nai hun.' Say no matter how many issues life had given, she was still standing - facing life. I remember that scene often times.
I need some solid change. Another favourite dialogue pops up in mind- 'Mai udna chahta hun, daudna chahta hun, girna bhi chahta hun. Bus rukna nai chahta'.
The stagnation part kills me.
There are way many stars in sky tonight. Like I can even make parts of a constellation or two. It's a rarity in Delhi.
I got a call from some singing competition today. Ha ha. I suck at singing. I wanna sing well someday though - I wanna give life to my songs on my own.
The night takes me to Neil island in Andamaans. It was a similar night - much more starry. I was on a beach with nothing but sea all around me. You see that patch of land which pops up after few waves again. And there was none around but a friend who was strolling somewhere near land. I was all on my own with no moon. But the silver of stars was sprinkling in the distant calm sea. And all around the waves were silvery. I felt lost in that darkness. I was hypnotized in that moment. The dark entered in. The music of sea touched the inner strings. I had felt myself that night - the strong and magical element inside.
Half an hour gone just like that. It flew into thin air. Love my love. See ya.
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4 AM Delhi
23rd November
A sparky shimmering hello... I just saw something twinkling so close to my eyes with my head tilted behind.
Last evening was amazing. I met my besti in Campus. Those lanes always make me nostalgic - for I have stayed there in my college time. It was home once. Art faculty at night time has it's own beauty and aura. I love. It feels so mine. Also at early morning time.
And time spent with my besti is always way way fun. She is one gem of a girl - my choco gal.
Also I later went to Nani's home. I love to spend time with my cousins. They are so intelligent and fun. I really love them and their aura. Also sang one of my compositions there. It made me feel good.
Moon is thin crescent tonight. And it is quite pretty. I feel a bit cold tonight.
That anxiety I told you about is all over me.
My website is getting good response BTW. I made several improvisations there today.
Just got another song for my next cover. 'I hate you I love you'. Guess it will suit my voice.
'Saiyaan'
Lovely song. I love Shreya Ghoshal's voice in this one.
'Mora saiyaan nikas hi gayo'
Can there be fireflies here? I doubt. No water. No grass. Maybe whisps of cosmic magic. Who knows what it means.
'Rang mahal ke dus darwaze
Na jaane kaun si
Khidki khuli thi'
I am wearing a harem tonight. I usually wear it in Himachal. But Delhi has turned out to be quite cold at this time. Noon was sweaty like hell though.
I have to soon begun my work on my novel. Also wanna make one more Acrylic painting. Just realised I haven't sketched for a long time now. The little red sketchbook became too precious to travel along and lose it. And the sketches became too beautiful to waste it in mundane chore.
But I can finish it right. It will be one complete book.
A thought pops up in my mind - in my childhood, we used to go to school picnics - to either some monument or Children's park. Layer it got limited to Japanese park. Imagine it's right at my door.
I loved my meet with my Choco girl. The laughter we shared, the conversation we had in a tiny park. It felt special. Time brought a strange understanding between us. She understands me now. I feel lucky as hell.
Orion is visible today as well. Such clear nights we have dear.
I sometimes feel dishonest - like I wanna somewhere achieve the same passion with you like 5 AM Bangalore. I realize that I now live more in past. But last year - it was always about that very moment - my present was so beautiful in past.
Now I think of times, I miss times when we talk. But past was past. And this is my present. I like making every moment beautiful.
So I will make us beautiful. I am sure you gonna appreciate my honesty. Some people call me blunt though.
That anxiety know - it's consuming me day and night - totally. Can't tell about it to anyone. Imagine - not even a single soul to share it with.
I can see strange mystical lights - shooting all over - randomly, suddenly.
I had always been against covers - being the original person that I am. I don't know why I am loving it so much - singing others' chords - it helps me learn singing. The exact moment - to lower your tempo, the right pitch, the voice from core. One has to practice so much - to actually sing a song - chord to chord - as the singer. Even then I feel - it's impossible.
Half an hour gone. Bye love.
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4 AM, Delhi
24th November
Hi love. With a crescent moon and recharged mind I welcome you. I slept day and night so kind of still in a lucid world.
How are you? Must be tough being so cold know. I have now put all my anxiety to travel again inside a pit to be taken out a bit later. It was painful - like I was graving a body that was alive. And the song goes
'Nobody can drag me down'.
How ironical.
Why I did this? Well thanks to the education system of my country. I really hate it. I would much prefer to be me. But the silly social parameters. Not that I surrender but I see no other way. Career, position - shit.
So yes, it will be studies for next 2 months.
Btw, I have been receiving job offers from companies all around the world - surprisingly - they can't reach my number. I tried their numbers as well. The same result. The country codes fail. I don't know how to do it. Ha Ha. I feel so illiterate right now. But they met the same right.
Ha ha. I again checked the time 'what if it is 4 AM' - For that's what I was doing for past half an hour - that is what wakes me up day and night - that's what goes in my mind - often times. I don't want to miss our meets - they mean so much to me.
Sometimes I wonder why was I so good in studies that now I have to lead it somewhere. I would have rather preffered to just travel and be creative about everything. That is possible even in academics but then it is so confined by norms and parameters. And I don't like rules.
For not all rules make sense.
I didn't update our conversation on blog last morning. But that's fine - I met you. And I wrote it. I can update even today.
I am having this orgasmic melted chocolate on terrace. My Choco gal gave it to me last evening. I love to spend time with her.
'She told me don't worry about it
She told me don't worry no more
We both know we can't go
Without it
She told me 'you'll never
be alone''
Miss Bangalore with this song. The clubbing. The nights. It was beautiful.
Even north campus stays alive throughout night. I love nights. I like places which stay awake at this time. And I am not that great a fan of noons. No they seem chaotic. Now that's a different case on hills. But I am in a city right. And sun is not something I like. Neither noise.
Feeling like dancing. Like going bare and be me. Like making love to the moments.
I had a long discussion with Momcy about marriage. I am against it. She thinks it is crucial to have a small world of yours in a wide lonely world. I don't support it.
True, being human we can't do without humans - but it is not necessary to get married for it as per me. I rather find just the idea of it suffocating. There should be love to hold people together - not a social agreement. It should be voluntary - out of love and own will. Never because you signed some sheets and told the world about it.
And I would rather be independent and spend my life the way I want rather than wasting it on useless household chores or maintaining rituals or relationships. Not my cup of tea. Am simply not made for it. Not that I can't, but I don't want to. That would mean killing the spirit I have inside.
Already the relationships I have in my life - the blood bonds - I have compromised enough for them. I don't want more such love chains. No. I would rather be free and live the life in a way I wanna live.
It's been few days that I have written a poem. Wanna write again. Also wanna paint again. V. soon I would be required to just study - day and night. But I gonna utylize the thoughts and ideas in portraying my novel side by side.
Travel... I miss it. Really.
'Mark my words
That's all that I have
You are the only reason why
All I wanna live alive'
'I won't let you fade away
After all that we have been through'
Bye love. Just don't wanna go. Also have nothing to offer. See ya tomorrow.
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4 AM Delhi
25th November
Hi love.
At 2:30 AM, I woke up to the idea of death. Like I prayed with all my heart to the cosmos - to kill me rather than a stagnant life. I mean it is all comfortable and all I am expected to do is to help Mom in having our home a well maintained place.
At 3:30 AM I realised - I am not meant for it. That my heart is not in it. I realised that if I am instead wanting to die than why not jump into the world and atleast make one try.
I have travelled way too much but I used to earn at that time. I don't wanna travel with Momcy's money or anyone else's who works and sacrifices their time in earning the kind of life they want.
What about me then? I had fixed myself in travelling again only after I earn - from the exact creative venture I wanted to earn from.
But the purpose of my life is travel. I am Mystical Wanderer.
And the crazy idea again gained it's roots. I want to travel penniless. Like just step out in a random train and travel around the country.
I will make videos and record it - my travels. I really wanna do it.
Being a girl and a solo travel has it's own risks - I have faced it before. Being cashless will make it double trouble. But I wanna do it. The purpose of my journey would be that one can still travel - despite of having no money in hand.
I have never taken money to be the purpose of my life. I won't let it be an obstruction as well. The comforts of home that too in winters are tempting though.
But why not do it rather than pray to die. It's my family and the love that I have for them that always stops me from doing such crazy ventures. But I wanna do it. And I have this faith in cosmos like always - that it will support me. That nothing can go wrong with me. That I will handle it - no matter what. What say? December - out on roads? January - at an unknown coast? So so tempting.
Or else I will die - craving to travel - thinking of travel. Better to die doing what I want.
Sometimes I wish to have a deadly disease and the idea makes me happy - for then I will tell my people - See, I am dieing anyway. Let me go out and travel - for whatever the life I am left with.
I understand their concern. They have seem me studying, scoring well, managing well - my life. All they want is I to be independent again and live life in a good way.
But they don't understand the person that I am. Mom says, you wanna go for a trip - go for it - if that is what makes you happy.
A trip won't be suffice I know it. I wanna travel forever - with no stagnation in it.
I just wanna travel and be in nature. Play my Harmonica maybe. Compose songs. And that is what I wanna do.
I have not been feeling well for past few days. Reason is more psychological - I know it. I just don't like hanging out in Delhi's crowd. I want nature. I want travel. I wanna be free - of I don't know what.
I feel dead - staying so comfortable at home. I want wild.
The movie comes into my mind - into the wild. Would I die? What if I live through it? Won't it be epic to make a trip like this. No cash, no people - just I and the huge country - to be explored and live in -To get merged in.
I won't mind dieing on street of cold or hunger. But I do mind dieing on this cosy bed - thinking of travel.
I wanna travel. I really wanna travel. My soul feels hungry for it. My spirit needs it.
I feel high in the idea of it.
New year could be in Goa then. Or who know where I will be. Should I do it? I should - definitely.
Let's just jump in. Our meets are limited now. Like just till the end of this month. Would you wish me luck my love? Would you support me - for the time we had all these days - talking about so many things - discussing our highs and plights. I will probably miss you. But that is how it is - everything which comes - goes eventually.
I have a strange sensation - I feel numbed. I feel engraved into this time. I wanna turn alive.
Maybe I should have a better purpose in life. But travel is all I can think of. Travel - the only thing that keeps me alive.
I tried so hard to look for travel anchoring opportunities. I tried to attain some lyrics writing possibilities - all in vain.
It's a world settled on floating roots so corroded with money and floating rigid believes. I wanna break through them.
Wanna sail in my ferry of faith and travel in the direction of heart. I wanna travel.
Feeling sleepy now. Bye love. Will catch you tomorrow. Love. Loads of it. I hope I be able to do it .
......................................................................................................
4 AM Delhi
26th November
Hello my love. We managed something impossible today - like I got up on my own few minutes before, changed and here I am warm in bed - all ready to have our moments. I had gone for a movie and outing with my cousins and had lots of fun. I passed out without even changing after coming back. I was all lost in some crazy weird dreams just 10 minutes before and all of sudden out of nowhere I got up - wondering if I missed us, what if it was 4:30, knowing I had to meet you. So here we are.
I don't know - I feel still not entirely out if my dream world. Not that it was an immensely pleasing sight - the last dream - but the hangover of it is still there.
I feel a bit sleepy too. It's kind of difficult for me always Dawson o get up and so anything early morning. The same time and work becomes so comfortable if I instead stay awake the entire night and still continue it.
Right now it's Partial dream, partial movie, partial I - all together attacking my thought box while I am trying to get something substantial out of my mind. Let me play some music though.
A pen lies next to me - symbolizing the upcoming. I should probably resume working upon my novel. Don't know what holds me by.
A sprinkle of stardust is all I need.
A little magic, the right heat.
Can you see the craving inside?
Can you feel the need to ride?
The passion and sensations
The thirst of a lonely soul
The love so full to the brink
The snow clad field
With a girl in the middle
Having magic powers
But cut from all
By her own frost.
I wanna dance and swirl
To the magic of love
Wanna heat my heart
The broken pyre.
Ha ha. Extemporaneous. I feel largely sleepy though. Hey just 3 more meets left of ours. And we haven't even come to the topics I actually like to discuss. We were caught in the mundane.
Christina Perri is so full of sad songs in the background.
I managed to call those international companies BTW. I was using the area code, not country code earlier. Silly me. Also silly they - for they realized it in my number's case, nor provided me their own code. Could it have been a technique to know my resourcefulness? Ha ha. Illiterate me enters in again.
Aah!! It's difficult to keep my eyes open today. I am simply sleepy (I mistyped it as Gothic :D)
A bit hungry now. Should I grab something. Atleast some jaggery!
Way too sleepy. Let me actually get up and get something to eat. Coffee is also a possibility.
Nibbling few cookies now. This reminds me of some novel I had read long back - aaah! Why am I so bad at names? Hmm... Morning scene - a closed studio... A girl along with either her guy or family is afraid of possible bombardment outside vintage colors.
There is one line that kind of touched me in the movie today. Do not remember it word to word. But the crux was that I can't expect different results on my life if I do the same think over and over again and again.
These days my dreams are getting crazier. Like they have no limits and I am no more flying somewhere all happy like a superwoman in them. They are more chaotic in strange places with even stranger happenings. Who knows what they want to convey. I am sure the subconscious and unconscious parts will take care of it. But am also aware of its utmost connection to conscious mind. Let's see. Love you loads dear. Bye bye. Meet you tomorrow.
..............................................................................................................
4 AM Delhi
27th November
Hi love. Wait. Let me just grab hold of some layerings and go on terrace. I woke up like few minutes back and wanna go to terrace tonight. There are weird sounds coming from outside. Like a male cat yelling in the voice of a baby. They are honestly scary - the sounds. I want these moments to be in a certain way. Hence all these hurried efforts in so less a time. My body now wakes me up for our session. Guess I have now experimented the fact upon myself that it takes just 21 days to become habitual to something.
I hogged upon a variety of food last evening. Also went out couple of times last morning.
I am wearing Himachal like clothes and I feel like a wool ball in it.
Wow the sky is dark with just stars in it. Quite cold on terrace - but feels fresh. Wait let me play some music.
The direction where moon generally sits at this time - it just has a single star tonight.
Wow I feel quite energetic and revived tonight. In amazing spirits.
Plugged into my ears is a favourite track - 'Ye mera deewanapan hai' by Susheela Raman.
So many people going to Goa for Christmas or New year. I have planned with friends but haven't booked my tickets as yet. I don't know what am waiting for.
I am no more in my sad state of mind BTW. Already our conversations have been therapeutic. Also past one year someone healed the wounds. And I am bored of being sad and anxious. And the final amber was from that movie I saw yesterday - 'Dear Zindagi'.
I feel good now. Like ready for a new start. Like really.
Entering this playlist takes me to a Retro world - not in a mood for it. Will change the genre soon.
'Your body is a lovetrap
You are catching me inside'
The shiver! Again! Ha ha. This stuff has something in it.
'I don't care what others don't care about what they say
I just wanna make love to you
Night and day'
Aah! Another beloved playlist - Thagni. Feels so good to listen to her. I had heard somewhere that given a choice we listen to the same playlist again n again. Say unknown realms are not recognised by mind. And if the search box is there we generally play songs that we know. I like to keep it different - most of the times. Yet I realize - that I too have my comfort zones - the songs that I have heard more often before - and I too like to land up in them - suddenly offshore.
We have so few meets left with us that I don't want to let you go. For I had not been exactly me. Now that I am happy again I wanna meet you in my best form. To talk about things other than me. To make it all beautiful and magical.
Everything has a reason. Maybe we were meant to be so. Your role would be over soon in my life. Or who knows what you did or still may do long after we gonna seize to meet every morning.
'Na mai kiriya karm mein rehta
Na hi jog sanyaas mein
Mai to tere paas mein'
It will be another birth then - a new phase.
'Na main jao mein
Na main tap mein
Na roje upwaas mein
Khoji Howe turat mil jaun
Pal bhar ki talaas mein'
Dancing on terrace. I feel happy. Sufi mood. Sufi genre.
'Sitaar' - what a magical instrument.
I met my music teacher this morning suddenly. I clarified my issues. It felt like a cosmic sign. I will resume learning singing again. Classical - aah! Can't wait.
There are shimmering lights on the other terrace. Remember the first few meets - they too were full of such lights - only much more. Cycle repeats.
Maaya.
'Thagni hoo Thagni ho'
A world of snow
White, pure from core
Water melting from the ceiling
Dropping mildly filtering
A rainbow.
'Ghunghat ke pat khol bi
The piya milenge'
Fakir - how I feel.
Fakiri - what I do/ wanna do.
'Maya mari na man Mara
Mar mar gaya shareer
Aasha trishna na mari
Keh gye daas Kabeer
Chadariya jheeni re jheeni'
Bye bye love. Will write something now. Will meet tomorrow. knows what they want to convey. I am sure the subconscious and unconscious parts will take care of it. But am also aware of its utmost connection to conscious mind. Let's see. Love you loads dear. Bye bye. Meet you tomorrow.
............................................................................
4 AM, Delhi
28th November
Yo love. You have brought out an entirely different self of mine - like I these days sleep during nights and get up early morning these days. Guess what, I even manage to make it - us.
Today was a bit harsh though. Like I was warm and sleepy like few minutes ago and suddenly I found myself brushing and washing my face in this cold night and the very next moment - here we are.
I M tucked in my bed today for I didn't want to go on terrace. Hey last morning of mind has been really beautiful. I went to meet someone and got surprised for he chose a place beside a stream and we walked for long in nature. I was simply touched by his choice of the place. Also the conversation was great.
Last evening I bathed for like an hour after a long long time. I realised, 'Shit! When did I quit pampering myself?'
It felt great than annoying and than great again - for I had plans of going out which didn't happen and then I had to convince my heart with a long solo session under sky with my own spirit.
Would you believe hun we are almost culminating an entire month. I didn't even realise - when and how the month just swished away. Like despite of mentioning the date everyday in our sessions.
It's strange though - this being on bed and not going to terrace instead. I have to convince myself again and again - that it's alright.
Why don't you fill me in your arms tonight? I just wanna be felt real close - right from my soul. My pores wanna get electrified to your touch.
I am still sleepy and lazy to even get up and go on terrace. I have been in quite happy spirits though for past two days - suddenly life feels beautiful and I feel as if I can do anything.
Ha ha... Eyelids are failing tonight. Aaah!!! So wanna stay awake. Let me get up. On second thoughts I can also pass out again. Ha ha.
Climbing upstairs now - decided to just visit terrace for some time.
Last morning I stayed for a long time. Moon also showed up but after our meet - it was v. Thin and crescent and beautiful. I saw dawn happening.
Right now the sky is full of stars and I feel a bit cold for am not prepared enough. An ultra clear sky with Orion, Ursa major and few more constellations so clearly visible.
I have come downstairs again. Ha ha.. Just wanted that feel. So yes, I guess that Goa think will finally happen for I found the words coming out of myself and my family and friends all know that I will spend my New year in Goa this time. I really wanna fix up something in Mumbai after that so can I continue my trip there and get everything sorted. Let's see. I am open to my time all free.
I sometimes wonder, when I will be once again busy - how would I look back upon these hours - us... And I know somewhere I will definitely miss us. But I wish that it become better from here. It is already for you are magical love.
Bye for now hun... I don't feel out of the box this morning. Instead it's a warm cosy comfort - hidden under some cushiony drapes in a soft and dark corner. Let's catch up tommorow. Love.
.....................................................................
Delhi
29th November
I couldn't meet you on time so let's consider it a virtual conversation. Since we have so short left a time - so I don't want to loose a single day. So ya, I went to Qutub Minar finally last noon. For 4-5 hours I was transcended in it's magic.
I wanted to write a song there. But it was quite crowded. Nowhere did I find a place to write and record it. I managed a poem though. But it was in English. Mood required something with Urdu touch. I clicked and made little clips. So many hours, so many rounds - around those historical walls.
I even played Harmonica and clicked a few selfies. It felt beautiful to explore Qutub solo for I was more absorbed in the place or the place in me.
Later I went to faculty and met some new people reciting Shers and Urdu poetry of some famous shayars and poets. I was enchanted. By night I managed this -
Changing kitne meenaron SE
Ik nayi duniya bnati hain
Sadiyin SE goonjti ik aawaaz
Rooh SE AA milti hai.
Meethi aawaaz mein ik koyal
Aaj bhi gaati thirakti hai
Chanchanati dhoop mein subohoshaam
Vo sadiyin ki batein karti hai.
Kuch sundar hare tote
Choote hain meenaron ko
Patharon mein gade namon mein SE
Ek hon jyon.
Hazaaron log in kabron ko
Har roz niharte hain.
Har imarat, har deewar
Mein dekhte hain kalakaar
Rooh Jo mehsoos karo
To ik aandhi si mehsoos hogi.
It is not a song though but it came from heart.
Right now I have this cup of freshly brewed coffee in my hands. I had it half as cold and rest is now all warm in the Microwave. This morning was different. A long drive in the veins of Delhi.
I feel like am in another world right now. The sunlight and silhouettes at my home all seem so beautiful somehow. And these are like De ja vous moments. Like I have seen them either in my dreams or they resemble some other time some other place all together.
I saw the city turning alive today - road by road, person by person. I felt thankful for my fate for unlike others - I saw no tension on my face.
World was in a mad rush to go somewhere do something. Not that I don't share the same anxiety inside - but it is at a larger level. Not material. Not with so much of negative emotion. But with lot of positivity in it. Lot of life energy fills.
I felt thankful to be able to chill with no tension in my mind, no life's hill. The moment to feet grateful.
So I had put pieces of Jaggery in my coffee while heating it up. Towards the end of it, they slided in my mouth with the residual froth - the warm sweet rounds melted in my mouth.
I feel so content with my life right now. It feels so beautiful. So colourful. So vibrant.
Infact, I feel like painting. Let me paint a new painting now.
Bye bye love. Will catch you at the right time next time.
................................................................................
4 AM, Delhi
30th November
Hi my DD. Can't believe - it's our last leave. Like a month passed - flew/ passed away/vanished - into thin air.
I am sitting on terrace under few stars - where we met for the first time. It's a dark night again with a grey sky and a street illuminated by orange lights - right below.
We have been sharing beautiful moments together - and now it is time for something better. But let's meet like it's not the last time. Like we. But oh, let's meet like it's the last time - for we gonna have thus intensity and passion in it - so intense - much more than the first time any other following it.
My sleeping pattern has changed in this month - I now sleep at nights and get up early. I can even right after just getting up.
And yes, I have again fallen in love with the city - all Thanks to you. You taught me how to fall in love with my present - my journey. Can't express my gratitude here. But you can feel it - right?
Bangalore seems so far now. Delhi and the journey after it.
'I met me too
When I met you'
Few days back - I saw a strange dream again - it was the same like few other times - I was travelling in a local bus towards my home. And suddenly I realised I had lots of baggages kept at some other time in the same bus. I had to deboard at my stop - but I got busy in picking up all my old luggage and missed my stop. I told the driver after my road ended - which seemed incredibly long. He took a U-turn but yet again I missed my stop for the luggage was too much. I decided to leave a few and simply deboarded where the driver stopped that bus - which had again reversed to it's original track. Single thing in my mind was to walk back towards my home - as soon as possible - but I had around 5-6bags spread on road somehow. I picked it all up somehow - hanged it upon my arms and shoulders and hurried towards my destination. The anxiety to reach opened my eyes and I found myself awake in my bed with a wonder - would I ever reach? Why the luggage? How did it reach there and why did I want them out at that very time.
Anyways, it was a dream. It had been teaching me ever since - I wanna begin afresh. Maybe my memory box is full of beautiful and enchanting memories - but I don't need them for now. What I need is to let them be. Maybe pick them up some other time - but move on with my journey - for now. Maybe I can manage the Wight with my skill - but it is unrequired.
These days - I take everything as a learning - a lesson. Everything that comes my way - a random conversation, place, song or a movie. Even if not everything pleases me - but I respect it - I feel it has a reason behind it - why else will I get to hear it otherwise.
Let me play our anthem song -
'Lovers in Paris'. It begins like 'Paani da' ha ha. But I like this song of ours a lot - the instrumental work know - it's magical.
Am walking on the terrace - lost in this foggy grey. Musical. Magical.
Let's go to the room. I just feel like being there with you - one last time.
I have a bowl of fruits in my hands - cold and juicy. There is a patch of green tortoise upon my blue tee-shirt.
'Tu bin bataye mujhe le chal kahin
Jahan tu muskuraye
Meri manzil wahin'
My room is all colourful - with mild and pretty shades glowing in a white light.
'Kisi avatar ki gazal
Jo de rooh ko
Sukoon ke pal
Koi mujhko yun mila hai
Jaise bnjare ko ghar'
I have given myself another add on to my entity - Mission Fakir I call it. Or let's just have it as 'Fakir' - A mystic.
I wonder what will I do from tomorrow onward my love. It will be something new - but I am gonna miss us.
'Mai tainu samjhavan ki
Na tere bina lagda Ji
Tu ki jaane pyaar mera
Mai karun intzaar tera
Tu dil tuiyo jaan meri'
Ha ha. This song. It was so close once, now I wanna change it. Life changes. Everything is just passing by.
Hey! I have got quite sure about Goa now. Just gotta book tickets - let's just do it. Ha ha. Am excited. Travel after so long. And Goa always is special. A new phase in my life. And I will return into a New year - back in this city. Who knows by that time - if I figure out something in Mumbai. Or I don't know. I have no specifications like that. It will come to me - whatever it is. But I won't let me die. I will fuel my soul - every single night. For I am different - and I am gifted with this passion.
I got a muscle tear or something day before in Qutub Minar. It was all swollen but now it's better. I don't know how it happened - like I wasn't even wearing heels. But it did happen - but I walked on. Unperturbed by any pain. I ensured a day - as I liked it.
'Coz you're a sky
full of stars
I am gonna give you my heart
Coz you light up the path'
Guess it's time to go. I had thought that I will stretch today to as long possible. But I am kind of hollowed. Like I wanna give it my best but I just can't gave enough. So I will let it be. I will miss you. You heard me when I really needed it. I explored so much about us, you and I while meeting you.
I have to work upon my novel, paintings. I gotta travel. In all these new dimensions - I am gonna miss you. In some other time - I am gonna think of you. Not as a baggage - but a figment of my journey - with no photographs - but a feel imbibed in my heart. A fragrance holding on to us - together with all the warm fuss.
'Coz all of me loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections'
And maybe I will think of you - in different cities when I will be staring at an endless sky - at 4 AM. Maybe, on some other Diwali or a night illuminated by many lights - like our first time.
You have been an inspiration - a patient friend, a loving womb, a flame to light my spirit with.
'Yun hi chala chal raahi
Kitni haseen hai ye duniya
bhool sare jhamele
Dekh phoolon ke mele
Badi rangeen hai ye duniya..
Yun hi chala chal rahi
Jeevan gaadi hai samay paiya'
Separations are bit weird know. Like I always feel deep pain - like a kid from whom it is snatched - his favorite toy. Or food suddenly thrown from the spoon held close to a hungry person.
'Chadariya jheeni re jheeni
Ankhein bheeni ye bheeni
Yadein jheeni re jheeni re jheeni'
'Phirse mujhe jeena
Tujhpe hai marna
Phirse dil NE Di hai
Ye duhai
Lakeeron PE likh Di
Kyun judaai'.
It's a mild morning - with lots of love in it. And a heavy heart. I shouldn't right. Like I could stretch us - it's on me. But it's about this voice from inside - it says - it's our last day.
I feel aroused - with the solitude of the night. The pores they feel that invisible touch.
Bye love. Let's just leave with this calm and beautiful moment. Loads of love. Am sure you gonna be as therapeutic for someone else who meets you. I give you all my love and wishes. I give you my spirit. Be the light in someone else's life. I will enhance my circumference now. Maybe get deeper. I will carry you in me though. Love you.
- Surbhi Rohera
