MIGHTY EIGHT
March 1, 2025
8 A.M.
Hey mighty eight!
Good morning! It's our first date! I am in Pushkar, that too in the month of Holi. Had not expected any of it, yet here we are - meeting as randomly as life gets!
I am on the rooftop of the guest house I have been staying at for past few months. Strolling right beside several plants I have planted here. It's great to see them blooming. Though, I would have to leave from here soon. I just hope that someone waters these plants after me. Feeling just like a mother, concerned for her kids. Well, I brought them from nursery after all. It's fair only to be concerned for them.
At present, they all look healthy and blooming. I even got cow dung for their soil. I think it was more for my own self. Whenever I plant plants anywhere, I feel as if I belong there. Maybe that's why people give birth - to feel that they belong, to feel home.
I though am in desperate need of my own home somewhere in the world. It just really hurts me whenever I need to suddenly shift because of festivals or greedy landowners or because of people who be emotionally immature or the fact that I simply get bored.
It's really my dream to have my own home with love, peace, lot of art and music in my own home.
We could have met even towards evening, but it's the month of Holi and if I would anyhow be here at the time of festivity, I wish to be free for evening celebrations that would be beginning next week onwards.
Plus, it's rather early mornings that are more peaceful here. And I feel more alive at this time as well.
Right now, the Sun is out; both savitri temple and Gayatri temple are glowing in the morning light, sky has white hues, there is sound of nagada being played in old rangji downstairs and air is filled with aroma of samosas and bread pakaudas being sold downstairs...I had been bing watching movies last night and came randomly to meet you - just like one does any basic thing in life. It's quite unusual for me to not make a big ordeal out of my dates with time. Guess, I am finally getting mature. Imagine, it took 10 years. Oh ya, I began dating time in 2015. This is 2025. Crazy! What a journey it has been.
To imagine, I used to cry even then, seeking more from life. What won't I do to get back that life. I think, humans are simply never satisfied. All though, I surely have come a long way. I just wish I had not grown up this patient. Being a go-getter suited me more for sure. I miss that fire within. I hate being so goody goody. And yet, I can't help it. This is who I have grown up to be.
15 minutes have passed of our first ever date. Eventually, we would develop our own pattern... The exact time duration that would suit us, a specific kind of routine... Right now, I am still strolling. I still got to be comfortable enough to sit somewhere or play music or prepare. It is after all, out first date. Guess, that is the kind of person I have grown up to be. As comfy, goofy, as effortless and as genuine. Maybe, one should put atleast a little bit of efforts. Like I could have dressed up. Lol.
Back in my teenage, till adulthood, I had a best friend. What I loved the most about our connection was that he had seen me in all forms... Like middle of night in my pajamas, or dressed to impress in heels... I literally grew up with him... And didn't mind being 1000 percent myself in front of him. He did inspire me to be better always, yet never judged me for who I was. That's the kind of connections I like. Natural, comfortable, genuine and authentic.
I watched a movie recently - 'Qareeb Qareeb single'. What I loved the most about it was this ease with which both the characters could be themselves. Noatter they met for the first time or nth. It obviously took them time to be less and less formal with each other; yet both were entirely themselves, even if they were quite opposite in their temperament.
So, what am I doing in Pushkar again? Frankly, even I don't know. I had come here to attend a wedding. Attended two. Wrote 3-4 poetry books, got sick and better again and again, relieved the past cycles of immature connections - all of them....thought of escaping this place number of times, just couldn't do it. Pushkar has a way with it. You come out of your own choice but leave as per Pushkar's choice. I think 'Hotel california' must have been written about it.
I do value the bhakti that comes along with it. This is the only place where I have decent connections even if they be only for bhakti. But that's about it. One, the air doesn't suit me. I fall sick again and again over here. Maybe because of dust allergy or the unhygienic way of the city.
Second, the patriarchy always impacts me. Guys no matter how good looking are really ill mannered deep in. And thirdly, I miss nature over here. Ofcourse, Pushkar raj is spectacular. But these days, I even can't go out for parikramas because of few psycho characters obsessed with me. The more I run away from drama, the more that it follows me. As if my own family wasn't enough for that.
But then, that's the way of life. It keeps on serving you similar situations until you don't learn the lessons.
But I am seriously bored of repeating cycles. I need something all together new. Don't want to repeat past people, places or lessons. I am done with it all. Too bored.
That's another thing that scares me about stability. What if I get bored out of it. That's why even the ideal of marriage or even large investments like home scare me. What if I get bored of it. Atleast properties can be sold. When it comes to real people or relationships, the impact is massive. And I am one person who gets attached to even walls and homes.
Though, I have changed and grown a lot. I no more get attached that much with people any more. I still get hurt though when I realise one more mistake in terms of choosing friends or people for myself.
Everybody deserves healthy connections after all. I get fucking psychos who get extremly emotionally dependent me leaching me of my time, space, energy, money. Or else, I get emotionally unavailable ones who make me feel abandoned. Both seem rather extreme and so I avoid any connections.
Also, offlate, no matter where I go; people are becoming more and more disappointing. Once, I had this massive faith in humanity. I believed in goodness of people. All I find is people suffering with vices like greed and lust and then lacking in basic attiquettes or humanity. Honestly, I don't want to but I am becoming a misanthrope.
My poetry too seems flavourless to me these days. I need love, genuine one. I need passion. But not the leechy kind. Those kind of connections become a competition with my own self. And given a choice, I always choose myself and my art and writings after sacrificing for a bit. Naah! I need the healthy kind of romance with life. Where I can feel in love with my life and be grateful for those tiny joys and people in my life.
I should be more grateful for so much good that there is in my life. But I fail to be so. I know that.
I am just not satisfied with the kind of life I am living. I feel, I have way more potential than what I am using and that makes me bitter. I do smile but I am not happy. There are just too many dreams that don't let me settle in.
Like I want to have my own cafe. Wish my books to be published successfully. Want to Collab and release my own songs. Want to have genuine friends. Buy m own home. Buy a car and learn driving. Want to go for adventures again. Want to travel around the world. Need new experiences. Want to create movies about crazy themes. Want to act in a sensational video with nature and good music. Wish to have my own art exhibition. See, so many dreams. And these are just on the tip.
This guest house that I have been staying at; it is so fucking mundane bad boring. The only reason I always opted for it was because the owner was not greedy and didn't disturb me, never talked disrespectfully and stood upon his words. This time, one he has left the entire management on one illiterate guy who is really schemy and obscene and another, even this owner has become super greedy. I am any way bored of living here. Aah! We may take a journey in our dates. I won't mind it.
Last evening, he had the audacity to tell me that I would be blocking atleast one room towards holi. Like come on, I pay you for that. That's the scene with entire Pushkar. They give their rooms to people for long stays and the moment some festival comes, they kick people out. Atleast, he was decent enough to ask me nicely to shift to another room at the time of Holi. But how does that help? If I be good I would have to shift out. Had he been bad, even then I would have to shift out. Either way, I lose the room. Not that I like it as well. Change would be good. I just never like to pack and unpack. I would much rather pack and then leave Pushkar all together then to shift to the room beside. It's just too much of work.
The worst thing is, I have too much of luggage. My brother hacks my laptop at home because he just can't be happy in his own life. He has to get into my things. So I can't leave my lapi there. I had hopes of performing here in Pushkar, so I got my uke as well. And then there was another bag just for wedding clothes. That's also an extra. That's the most crucial reason why I need my own home. So that I can leave my belongings safely there. I hate it when anyone gets into my stuff or space. And both my mother and brother have some special interest in my life. So that's that. I carry half my room with me these days - everywhere I go. I still risk all my diaries back home but I always ensure to publish them online now because my brother has destroyed a lot of my earlier work.
I understand history much too personally with my own experiences. How women's experiences got burnt or hampered by patriarchy or self serving society. My own home has been the battle ground for that.
Anyway, that's that. All left behind. Why I am talking about all that still is because after every few months, when I get bored of a place... I get into this dillemna about where to go next. For the very thought of returning back to that house scares me. And I am now tired of repeating the same cities or villages, living in guest houses, living so rootless.... But I just don't know how to root myself again. Once, I had a stable job and my own room back in Bangalore. It was from there that my dating history with time began. 10 years. So much has changed. Here I am. Unrecognisable to my own self.
Not like I have detoriated. Naah! Life has been a great teacher. Even Pushkar has been great. I have had far too many epic experiences to actually complain. But, I guess everything has a saturation point. I miss the magic. I miss that speed. I miss doing a lot, being a lot. I don't like this patient and peaceful self.
I wish to be a storm or a hurricane again. Crazy, insane me. Yeah! I miss that. And the way cosmos took me upon its magical rides. It has been too stagnating. And that feels like dieing to me. Maybe, a lot many rides are still left. I can hope that. I demand that.
My dear mighty eight. I didn't sit for the entire date. Kept on strolling. Kept on rambling. Let's meet tomorrow. Hope it gets more positive.
Loads of Love.
March 16th, 2025
08:08 A.M.
Hello meri jaan! Good morning. Have just woken up! Sorry,
couldn’t talk to you last morning. Trust me, I tried my level best. But I had
slept just at 6:30 A.M. and was tired beyond imagination. Also, my phone’s battery
was dead, so couldn’t even hear the alarm. I did wake up at 9:30 A.M. all eager
to talk to you, but of course, by then the portal was closed.
Alright, so we can have a long-long meet up today! I saw a weird
dream early morning today with some Japanese kind of homes which were comparatively
smaller in size and surprisingly, my family and people I know were considering
such homes. There were not many rooms. Instead, there were more floors within
the same room. Like multiple segments… I was wondering why had we shifted to
such a congested complex! Oh, I gifted one of my cousins my own bean-bag (red
in color) [which is super close to me and is a big-time memory of my life and
room in Bangalore. I never got my own home again and couldn’t even keep my bean
bag anywhere again.] There was a scene there where my cousin sister was being
helped by my brother on top of some tree’s ladder and even my mother or maybe
some other cousin sister was being supported by my maternal uncle upon the same
ladder. And I was wondering – How lucky they are for having support of their
brother or father or such! Don’t remember the rest of dream.
Well, I don’t know the purpose of this dream. I just
remember this much. And I am unable to forget it. So I shared it here!
O.K. let me just wash my face and such to wake up properly
and tell you what I really wish to tell you since last morning. Just give me a
minute or two!
O.K. then! I am washed up and feeling way more awake! So, let’s
begin with day before yesterday! The day of Holi! Do you remember I had slept
for only an hour that morning and we did have a chat as well! Well, an hour
before our meet; an old acquaintance texted me. Maybe he had seen me dropping
from that other friend’s bike the night before. Or maybe he remembered our
connection for we had a history of having a splendid holi celebration together four
years ago! Whatever be the case, he texted me that morning and asked me if I
would like to join him in the ceberation. I was like sure! Though I did get
surprised for that entire group and I were really good friends back then and I
don’t know what had happened that initially I kept my distance and later them
and somehow the connections had got distorted. It felt good to see someone put
in efforts to re-connect after years that too that politely.
We decided to catch
up by 9:30 at Varah Ghat! Years ago, it was that very stage where both of us and
other significant friends of ours had danced together. But he had protected me
from a crowd and had helped me rise up back then. Four years later that I was
again meeting him – it had to be Varah ghaat and nowhere other. I found him
again upon stage. He asked me to step up upon stage. I even did that but then
asked him if he was ready to go! That was our plan – to go to multiple places
as and when we felt like! He agreed there and then. Without an iota of denial. That
was really sweet of him. I had told him that I wish to have wet holi and that
excessive gulaal at Varah ghaat triggers my dust allergy… So, we were supposed
to go to all places with water involved.
We decided to begin with Mela ground. It was around 10:15 A.M.
and quite sunny. At first, we went nearby the stage. Music was loud, crowd was already
quite abundant. The air was filled with music and gulaal. I danced but my
friends was getting conscious of people looking at him or something. It felt
weird. As if I was out with a wall. Someone even colored him totally with wet
color. I told him, ‘Now, nobody would recognize you – if that’s what you
wanted.’ We decided to shift a bit behind because there were massive
fire-brigades arranged to splash water upon crowd there. Oh, it was amazing
dear Eight. We danced. There was constant water splashes arranged, the music
was changing every now and then. A couple of girls joined me here and there.
There was a girl from Gujarat. There was another one from Maharashtra. Because
there were quite limited females there initially that boys were helping them
get together and dance together like we make little kids friends. Lol. Anyway,
I too could open up with other girls because Pushkar just doesn’t understand
the concept of males and females celebrating together. I even asked my friend
later – don’t you know how to dance along with someone? He was like,’ I am not
that good with dancing! ‘What about baraati dance?’ I asked him. He laughed and
said, ‘that’s different!’ Whatever be
the case, people from opposite gender simply don’t dance together over here. Or
if they do, then the intention be different. Then it is more to touch the other
instead of having a proper eye contact or celebrate for the sake of
celebration. Anyway, thankfully those two girls came and joined me at different
times, and I could actually be happy to give all those expressions and really
feel the music and moments! There was a moment when a lot of crowd around us
suddenly made the area empty around us. And there were only two of us dancing. A
girl and I. and suddenly so many people began to make videos of us. There was
simply so much of attention, plus the girl beside got jealous and haughty that
I felt like just leaving the place. We left Mela ground to chaeck out scenes at
other places at around 11:15 or 11:30 I guess.
At first, we went to another resort with a pool. We did play
with lot of gulal there. But there were hardly any people, also it wasn’t
allowed to jump in the pool. Lot many had begun to gather up slowly there
looking at us dancing. But I was like, what’s the point of becoming a party starter
where pool access is denied. Another reason was that that place belonged to the
son of one of the most badtammez human I know around. Thankfully he wasn’t
there. and his partner instead was there who was also my friend’s friend. But ya, I didn’t want to stay there for long.
We all danced, applied gulaal, played with colors and then left in some time.
The next halt was finally in a resort - the hoarding of
which I had noticed on the way. It suggested a pool party. We entered in.
Finally, I got a pool. Even there the crown was limited. Nobody upon the dance
floor. And a few of them in the pool. I jumped instantly. My friend however was
conscious of someone he knew. I urged him to jump in. that it was holi and we
were not doing anything wrong. He did jump finally and it was all fun to dive
again and again, to try out floating or talk… Finally we danced a bit upon the
open air floor with not another single soul around and then we left even from
there. We decided to come back to Mela ground for the party was only up till 2
P.M and it was around 1.
Aah! Not only the way was longer for we were taking the
outer route but it was immensely hot. I told my frind to stop somewhere for a
cup of tea but he said that he doesn’t drink tea. And then never stopped. We
reached back at Mela ground. It was chocked full – oozing of people. We tried
the spot nearby the stage first. It was full of people. I did find a guy with
good dance chemistry there but I was with someone and didn’t want my friend to
feel bad. So I didn’t dance with anyone else. Though, I was also wondering
within, I didn’t want a body guard, instead would have much appreciated to have
a genuine friend alongside who knew how to be happy. But then, I realised there
that I actually needed a body guard as well – atleast there in the mela ground.
For when we went for the water splashes, the crowd was literally crappy there.
People tearing their own clothes and throwing them upon others. Random men
trying to touch whichever woman. People splashing puddles upon each other and
what not. My shades too got broken in the process. Though my friend protected
me from all others but he was a bit too close. And I was just not comfortable
with that much proximity. We did try a few different spots. I was wondering why
was he insisting upon just the places with crowd. I thought maybe he wanted to
hide in the crowd to be with me. But I needed space to breath. It was all too
much. So much of crowd and such crappy energy. Also, that I had left my
slippers also in scooty itself to avoid getting my feet get more rashes by
dancing in the puddles in plastic slippers. But this time, there were rocks and
hot sand on ground instead, along with so many wearing shoes often stepping
upon my feet. It was enough. We somehow had half an hour like that and then
decided to move out again.
I was too dehydrated by then. Told him to stop somewhere for
sugarcane juice. But he forgot and even I forgot later and we reached another
resort. I had huge hopes from the next resort. Two years back it was there that
I had enjoyed a lot. Had there been no scene with this friend, It was there
that I had decided to go and play holi at. Even at that resort that not many
people were celebrating. Music was there and a pool was there. I just had to
jump in. Jumping in various pools numerous times and I don’t know how; but my
kurti got badly torn up in the process. One side. I was like, it’s alright till
I am around. Anyhow, it was holi.
We reached Varah Ghaat again. The beginning point. The
culmination point. Air was filled with Gulaal. It was around 2 P.M. or 2:30. The
drums had just stopped. The people were just told to go back. It was time for
locals’ group photo. My friend joined in.
I told you right about that festival happening 20 kms from
here in village Picholiya. I really wished to be there but had literally
thought it to be impossible. For the passes were pretty expensive and I did
know a few people who had easy access to go inside but I didn’t want to request
them. Also, didn’t know how to reach the spot. My friend and I had decided to
go to one or other parties happening around later on. Our plan was to play holi
first. Then take a bath. eat and rest a bit. And later go to some party towards
evening or night. But at Varah ghaat – the netire group decided to continue the
celebration in the flow. Everybody was going. My friend too seemed interested
for everyone was going that too to the main festival – Holi Purim.
I didn’t realise that I was tired or anything. I too was in
a flow. But I did wish to change though. For I didn’t want to go to a festival in
that torn a kurti. I came back to change into a legging and white tee-shirt. I
knew that white color would be more appropriate for any techno festival. I
however had not changed my inner wears for anyway we were all expecting more
colors and water even at the festival and it was anyhow hot.
It took me a few rounds till ghaat and back to my room – random
groups re-colored me with colors right after I changed, and a guy actually
threw green color right in my eyes. I couldn’t open my eyes for a minute and
even after washing them up that my eyes got all red. Meanwhile my friend got
injured while protecting one of his friends. I just knew something like that
would happen for he was simply raging with some unknown anger and was willing
to fight with random most people for no reason at all. I thought that I left
just for some time and so much happened. Thankfully, he was safe. Because so
many were going together, we had to further wait for them all to get ready. Few
of them wanted to take a bath first. That was smart of them but I didn’t
realise it then. Few were instead having food at their home which was also
wise, but I didn’t realise it. In the excitement of so much happening and so
many events and places, I was just not hungry.
Also, that, it was the first time I was nearby their homes,
and they were therefore forming groups of their own. I told my friend that I would wait for them outside
another lane. On the way I talked with one nice guy with whom I am facebook
friends with. He seemed so nice and gentle. I left though after bidding farewell.
As I was passing by a narrow lane that a group of guys came to suddenly color
me with more gulaal. I was fine with it till it was decent. One of them suddenly
touched my breast and that was that. I turned behind and gave him a tight slap.
Told him, ‘What kind of behaviour is this?’ A few guys were watching it all
from their balcony they too scolded them. I was happy to have slapped that guy
for I took a stand for myself and all women. In another lane, I talked with my
mom and she too told me to eat something before leaving for another place. But
it was too hot and I was just not hungry till then.
In some time that everybody joined in and finally we left
for the festival. We had to face a sand storm on the way. Also, a mild rain. A
few decided to go back. Ultimately four of us went on. 20 kms of dun, sand,
dust. I had to give my shrug to an uncle who also had dust allergy and was
rather triggered by the storm. Also, my shades had got broken back at mela
ground. So, I had nothing to cover myself up. And because we didn’t know the
way, we were following an auto which was for sure going to the same venue. Because
the way was off-road – all the dust was entering our eyes and nose instead. I
rode for half the way. And when the way got totally off-road that handed over
the scooty to my friend.
Oh, my dear Eight! It was spectacular. – the festival.
Alliterated with numerous macrame hangings, two stage set ups, sky replaced
with a large colored canopy, foreigners dressed in hippie attires. It was after
years that I was attending a festival. I had left that life altogether in my
past. My senses still knew where to go, my feet were autu-tuned to the music. We
went and danced. Finally, my friend too danced but he kept his distance along
with the other two. I had three people with me – my friend, his friend and his
friend’s foreigner girlfriend. They stayed
a bit behind. I didn’t mind. Anyway, techno is meant to be a solo experience
regardless of crowd or no crown, group or no group. It is just you and the
music. And the D.J.s were quite renowned – each amazing at what he did. It was
quite sunny but I was fully charged. Sunset happened – I was all the more
charged. There were frequent colored sparkled blown in air. It was all
colorful, vibrant yet in a classy sort of way. Everybody was simply tripping.
Sunset was ethereal.
It was by night that I got tired. I realised that I had
danced for almost 12-13 hours in total. Also, the Sun the entire day had really
exhausted me. I was ill-prepared for the festival for I had nothing to eat or
drink. The two bottles of water I was carrying were long finished. My
companions were though taking breaks but on their own and so was I. I finally
decided to go surf the market and find out something to eat or drink. I needed
some energy. I found a walnut brownie that I savoured. Though I was also
feeling a bit guilty to be having it all on my own without sharing. But then I thought
about it. They had all eaten back at their homes. And even there they were
going and having various things on their own. They didn’t share! Still, either
I be on my own, or if I be with company, I like to be with them totally. It felt
weird to be with a group and still not belong. There were no together breaks,
no chill out sessions. As if somebody had appointed me to dance on. Also,
earlier also that I used to dance for so many hours, but there were also some
kind of intoxicants. Now that I have left it all, it was difficult to stretch.
I was really tired. My body needed energy. Plus, the fact that I had not taken
a bath meant that I still had all those colors here and there. My skin is super
sensitive. I had got rashes all over. My feet were paining, so were my muscles.
My skin was aching and feeling super dry. I needed water – an excess of it. It
was a desert area and I was parched. Everything was super expensive over there.
Imagine a bottle of water was for rs. 100. And I was feeling like finishing at
least 3-4 bottles. I did find a few friends, said Hi to them from a distance.
What I missed the most was an emotional connect with the people I was along
with. I didn’t want to be like that foreigner girl serving the guy she was
along with – with constant supplies. No matter it be a friend or anyone else,
if I am with a guy, I like him to man up and be by my side. They were all
detached and in their own zones. I too was enjoying myself but I felt alone.
That’s what makes me feel more alone when I be with people I don’t connect
with. By 1:30 A.M. I was like, fuck it, how much water would I drink anyway.
Let’s just go, buy more. The bar counter was out of water. I found a tea shop
and the guy was super kind. He had a water dispenser and he refilled both my
water bottles. I was super thankful and even bought tea from him. He was kind
even there. He gave me the larger mug in the price of small. I really prayed
for him and was super thankful for his kindness.
I asked my friend when would we leave for, I was tired by
then. It was 2 A.M.. We were out and dancing from morning 9:30 A.M. Why I got
more tired was because my friend had told me that the event would be over by 10
P.M. But it went on. My mind was only prepared till 10. I had hardly eaten anything.
Was ofcourse sleep deprived. Was feeling super-hot and itchy by then and was of
course tired. My friend told me that they were planning to stay on instead. So,
I crossed the barricade and reached right below the stage. With eyes half dazed,
my body and senses synched with numerous speaks blaring right in front – I left
my body to dance on – this time upon techno trance. The visuals shown upon the
screen behind were simply ascending. The last D.J. was simply the best. The
dance too felt like a flow. As if my body was dancing but the work was happening
upon the crown and agya chakra. It was a full moon night. I derived energy from
Moon and stars. It was also an eclispse night and the eclipse was meant to be
in Virgo – that’s my zodiac. I knew I was meant to feel the impact of it all –
all the more so. I was only grateful. From beginning of the day – to every
place that visited and specially when we had reached the festival – in front of
that entire set up – all I did was thank Mahadev. I had zero expectations from
the day. What I got was way more than my imagination. A bit excessively so. It
was by then too much to handle.
I danced a bit more. Realised, I had danced on for around 16
hours that day. Without anything in my system. Though, I am the biggest
believer of working out beyond exhaustion – because there comes a saturation
point – beyond which the body simply goes on and the mind no more tells you
that you are tired. But I also wanted to take care of myself. At around 2:30 A.M.
that I took another break. Went till a grassy ground and had a power nap. I was
long done with my smokes and polo – the only two things I had in my bag. All I
had was water that I had and then passed out for few minutes. A ten-minute nap
upon dewy grass that I suddenly began to feel super cold. On my way back, I
found an old friend. Said Hi to him and wondered, my one nice word with him and
he would bring the world to me. But he too was obsessed kind of energy. I didn’t
want any more obsessed people. So, I kept my distance.
I came and rejoined the
group. Asked them again if they wanted to leave. But they wanted to stay on.
Thankfully, the party got over by 3. Aah! I was literally relieved. Though I
was also a bit regretful for I couldn’t do justice to the last D.J. I did wish
to dance to his music. He was good at it. But I was beyond tired. And simply wanted to be home. Also, I was cold
by then.
Even the other two people with us had taken a power nap. They
too were feeling cold. But that foreigner girl had a hoodie and a shrug. So,
they covered up. We left the venue the earliest. But weirdly my friend let all
those cars and bikes leave before us. I didn’t understand why was he dragging
on the way, why was he riding so slow. He said that he didn’t want to feel
cold. I was in a super thin tee-shirt. I was prepared to still cover the
distance. Ultimately, I decided to ride instead. For I just wanted to reach
home. He held me a bit weirdly from behind – again and again latching on to me.
I understood that it was cold, and maybe I would have taken the warmth of a
friend as well had I been so cold. But I don’t know, the touch wasn’t
comfortable. He didn’t tell me that I had taken couple of wrong turns. Rather
he let me go on. As if, he didn’t wish the night to end. He requested me couple
of times to stop somewhere. But I didn’t want to. He wasn’t much company the
entire day. It made absolutely no sense to live the night with him. Though, I
for sure was grateful that he asked me out and we had so many experiences. Holi
became simply epic all thanks to him. But the enjoyment part was mine alone. And
he didn’t take care of me nor was emotionally available. I didn’t need a body
guard. I was myself enough for that. I wanted a friend instead to live along
and have fun along with. He did tell me that he wasn’t used to female company.
But that’s what amazes me the most here. Why do people bifurcate so much on the
name of gender. I simply wanted to celebrate as human. Specially Holi is a
festival on no discrimination. Rather everybody is colored celebrating the same
theme. That we all are essentially one – rainbow colored.
I reached back home at quarter to 5. A shop was open downstairs.
Bought a cup of tea for myself. Came back to my room. Realised, I had got
blisters on my feet and even below my breast. I had got rashes all over and each
and every part of mine was paining like hell. I had a long-long hot shower and finally
entered my bed. My phone was out of battery so I put it to get charged and
within next minute that I passed out. That’s why I couldn’t talk to you last
morning. Though I had woken up just in three hours after that. Do you know the
kind of tired where you be unable to sleep. My friend Sam called then and I had
a lot conversation with him. It’s always super nice to talk to him. He is my
friend for past 12 years and seriously I am but grateful for his presence in my
life. Few people are simply the epitome of this constant support, motivation
and joy in your life and one should always be grateful for them. I for sure am.
Maybe, I shared all my excitement and joy with him and therefore you had to
bear even the repercussions and between the lines segment. Maybe, yesterday, I
would have only shared my joy. But today, I also shared my reflections. I
though had decided to instead re-enter our portal at 8 P.M. in the evening but
the day went on too on and off, I was super tired and just wasn’t in the spirit
to write as much.
Oh, would you believe it? I didn’t update my blog just for
one day and somebody checked it 80 times. People have no life of their own and
simply live through other’s life! Who would be so obsessed with my life to
actually check a single day’s update 80 times! Weird! There be all kinds of
people in the world and one can only pity them.
I did suffer a lot because of wrong footwear this time. Whoever
stole or hid them, may God punish that person a hundred times. It has become so
difficult to walk. Oh, I also fell down from stairs of my guest house last
evening. Thankfully, I wasn’t much hurt.
Yesterday was a slow evening. A healing day for myself.
Although my friends did invite me again for both the festival and another rave
party happening around. But I didn’t join in. For I had no strength to dance.
And there was no other chemistry along with them. What was the point of going
to an event and being unable to either dance or chill. I denied them all. Though,
at night it felt rather weird to not go out somewhere – for past few days –
each evening has been eventful and celebratory. But I knew that my body and
mind needed so much of rest. I had not slept properly even yesterday. I was
rather by evening that I even had a proper meal.
Thankfully, I slept great last night. And here we are
talking for past three hours.
Sorry if the details got excessive. Guess, I wanted to
compensate yesterday’s absence and also, wanted to really share my feelings.
All in all, Holi was seriously super epic. I was grateful to
Mahadev for all those experiences. True, I tired myself a lot. True, I have got
injured in the process. But it was all worth it. I loved each and every portion
of it. With a more engaging companion maybe, I would have felt it more. But I
was grateful for the one I was along with. With him, I felt simply fearless. As
if, someone strong was behind me and I could do anything.
Also, that finally I have learned to be myself even the conservative
society of Pushkar. To not care about judgements as long as I am right from
within. I guess it will take a day or two more to have these rashes healed. It’s
the first time ever that I have got blisters at such abnormal places… Well,
everything has a cost. So so so much of enjoyment had this as a cost probably.
Our body too has a limit to it. I am not 21 anymore to go on for 24 hours. But
I did. And it was all worth it.
Thank you my dear Eight for being with me. Thank you,
Mahadev, for blessing me with so many epic experiences. Thank you, dear time,
for turning so phenomenally.
I don’t know the next step. In the moment, I am quite
content.
Loads of Love.
May your life be as eventful wherever you be in the
timeline. May you get as many surprises as I get surprised and blessed by time.
May you find amazing friends to be by your side.
Love you.
MMMMMMMMUUUUAAAAH!
March 22nd, 2025
8 A.M.
Good morning yo! Full power salaam! It’s a sunny morning it
feels beautiful. I have been awake the entire night chilling, creating, being,
spending quality time with myself and feeling good. Painted again last night.
Even cleaned my room. Pampered myself with numerous plaits of hair. Felt
grateful for such a cosy room of my own with yellow fairy lights, picnic
edibles to go on the entire night… oh ya, even spent last night with maggie and
Moon and coffee after a long time. I just love coffee!!! Because of weather and
my stomach that I had cut it short. But oh, the bliss I felt just with a coffee
under a golden moon after so long.
Right now, there is a beautiful healing music plugged into
my ears. There’s handpan in it, mild instrumental guitar and a female giving
echoing tribal kind of vocals. I don’t even know the language. But, its
healing. Here’s the link to it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mke3GVW4GQ4
These are my kind of vibes. Seriously. So peaceful.
Generally, though, I judge foreigner chicks in Goa talking
about chakras and yoni healing and stuff and all they do is touch and touch and
seem so pretentious. Not all. But most. But ya, this one in the video is mind-touching.
Her voice is healing. That’s how I identify people as well when listening to
them in videos or in real life… Our voice is a big-time reflection of our
thoughts and life.
Every living or non-living thing on earth has a sound
allotted to it. These sounds also represent their qualities. Metals have such
scrapping voice. Water has healing or at times even scary or deep or sound of
centuries. Water be the symbol of all emotions. Air is breezy. It oftentimes
collabs with leaves or locks or water or hollow concaves carrying ether – and thus
happen the best of amalgamations. Air can also sound scary when it be a storm. Fire
has a burning sound to it. Every animal has a voice. Each human too has a
unique voice. People who shout or get angry a lot have a coarseness about their
voice even when they talk normally. People who often stay silent, have a calmer,
sweeter voice at a lower note. At times, few people carry voices that don’t
match them. For example, few beautiful birds have the strangest of voices. Likewise
with humans. Yet, most often, voice is a big-time reflection of one’s nature,
character, intentions, life style. My senses are super-sensitive. I smell more,
hear more, feel any touch way more and so on. There be certain sounds that my
ears totally ignore. There be certain sounds that my ears specially catch on.
Metal sound annoys me. So does scrapping or loud sounds of news channels or
phone sounds. While I love good live music, or voice of people with pure
hearts. I love the sound of water and good music. Music can be as loud, my ears
don’t get impacted by it. Yet someone talking loudly impacts me a lot. And so
on… Various voices of various people does help me identify if I wish to further
be in contact or not or till what length.
I visited an ashram two months back. Everyone so welcoming
there. My only issue was a T.V. switched on showing news of some sort. I don’t
know why it bothers my mind so much. It feels as if it be all negativity or
stress being telecasted with all those beats and dramatic music and I just fail
to bear it regardless where I be. Another reason why I don’t like regular life.
People be hooked to such channels or life, and it bothers my mind so much. I had
to politely take a leave even from that ashram. I respected them a lot to
complain against the only entertainment someone may have in his day at his own
place. Likewise, even at home or at others’ homes… of course, there must be a
value to it – for news channels have been running on for years… But they don’t
give me information. Instead, my mind gets triggered and I feel extremely
irritated. The sounds become intolerable. Drama of any kind does impact me a
lot. And somehow life again and again throws people at me of similar kind. I
need to learn to evolve from this pain. Music helps me do that. I then either
sing or put earphones. Whatever be available. Or, if possible, I switch on A.C.
or fans or any sound to kill the sound disturbing me. Like I said, I am super sensitive.
And I can’t help it.
This moment though is to appreciate the healing aspect of
this music. Don’t know why I began to talk about myself and my triggers.
Maybe the music helped that flow out of me. Who knows?
I am thinking of buying hemp clothes. I love hemp. For
years, I had this dream of having my own merchandise of hemp products – self designed.
Now though, there are numerous options out in the market. I would wait a bit
for season to close a bit more. But ya, I love whites and I love hemp clothes.
The other day, while sitting by Pushkarraj, I was simply
observing the crowd. I noticed such a massive difference between foreigners and
Indians. All those foreigners seemed so relaxed. The women were free and
expressive. The men were treating them so respectfully. Everyone was graceful. Many
had musical instruments. They were dressed comfortably – as one should in such
heat. It felt so relaxing just to look at them.
In contrast were fat bulgy Indian men walking with their
heads held high in some useless ego, with their women following them decked in
heavy clothes with their heads covered pointed down…
Not like I have anything against my culture or dresses. Nor
am I foreigner obsessed. I take everyone to be humans. But as an observer… The
difference was so noticeable. I just don’t understand why do Indian men have
such massive egos. Honestly, we create the most immature kind of Men in our
country. For they don’t even have basic life skills like cooking or cleaning. True,
earning is given importance when it comes to men. And the society be so patriarchal
that even when women try, they fail to earn as much. Though these days women
are good even in that department. But talking about men – they be so immensely
dependent upon women. No matter it is in taking care of home or household or
relations… Yet they carry such ego – that they be the heads – of what?
Humans should be treated with equal respect regardless of
gender or caste or what they do or where they stand!
There be double standards in the society where when men go
out it’s part of life… and when a woman goes out, there be hundreds of eyes
upon her – either mis-judging her or ill-calling her or finding her not
suitable.
I feel thankful to be way evolved from such mentality. My education
helped me evolve. But even back then, though I learned way more, but I was
supposed to survive the society still clutched in mentality of centuries ago.
And specially here in Pushkar, patriarchy be such a massive issue. They highlight
any foreigner girl dancing. They make videos specially highlighting her body. As
if those two three foreigner girls were the only ones dancing. One can see even
old men lusting over them like dogs. And these be the same men who keep their
own wives under boundaries back at their homes. No local women ever comes out
to celebrate or dance together with other people. Their own family restricts
them. Though they say that everyone is welcome, but that’s not the truth. There
be so many rules and restrictions that specially apply to women while men can
do whatever they want, with whomever they want – as long as they keep it
outside and hidden.
I am not judging here. All I feel like seeing is an equal
society. In Goa, true, most of the people live promiscuously. But there be no
gender discrimination there. Here, patriarchy becomes prominent – not only on
the name or culture but even religion. Years ago, I had gone for one procession
here where a lady was scolded because she had touched the feet of God’s statue.
Immediately the priest scolded her saying that she wasn’t allowed to touch
because she was a woman. Do you know whose statues were there upon that palanquin?
Of Krishna and Radha! On one hand they were carrying the statue of Radha making
her a goddess. On another, a real-life woman with devotion was rather told to
not touch a statue just because she was a woman. There be immense gender
discrimination here.
True, Patriarchy be there all over the world. But comparatively,
foreigners seem way more sorted to me. At least they don’t discriminate. They live
and let live. I don’t know why foreigners come here. For under the name of
religion, there also lives such selfish, discriminating society that literally
insults women at any given opportunity.
It has not been my personal experience. Everyone respects me
here. Talks nicely to me. But I am talking more as an observer observing the
society. The way women are given back seats even in satsangs or events. The way
all the major seats, mikes, powers positions – are all mostly taken by men. Or
else, a woman has to entertain – do a fire dance or something to get on stage.
Foreigners though are of course treated only as a show piece
over here. People actually give these foreigners chicks money to come as a
guest in weddings or parties. How shallow! Lol!
Well, even the foreigner girls laugh at the stupidity and
take the easy money. They get to experience an Indian wedding.
At times I pity the shallowness of my country.
Not to say that I only see flaws. We have a history of being
way more developed than these foreigners. It is rather Mughal invasions and British
conquests that led to our downfall – even in terms of rituals or values or
lifestyle. Indian women hardly even used to wear a blouse for it was considered
unhealthy to tighten your bosom. Our weather wasn’t supportive. Sarees were an
airy way to cover the body yet have ventilation. Weddings used to happen during
day time. Women had such power that they used to have swayamwars to choose the
perfect men for themselves. Men had to become brave to earn the respect or
dignity in society. Nobody had hollow egos but asuras who of course were mostly
made to meet the result of it.
Aah! I flowed again!
Well, I had decided not to talk about this topic anymore. I
am but a visitor here in Pushkar. I can simply focus upon the good side and
leave them to their plight. Women seem quite content with patriarchy here. And
I don’t want to fight others’ fight. I would always remain an outsider and I am
rather glad and grateful for that. Though, it does give me a secret joy when
someone calls me a local. For I do indeed love this place, love the bhakti
here. But I don’t really want to belong to a discriminating society. And do I
really belong if I don’t have friends over here. There be either guys seeking
something, or those unable to process their own life – finding some break from
it.
I do have a bhakti group. I feel grateful for that. But as
such, I have to always be in my limit. Can’t talk more than that. For
regardless of their age, anybody can make an attempt – and I don’t want that.
Alright, about yesterday! Aah! The music made me flow
randomly in so many ways. Let’s come back to the daily life.
I finally got my lapi’s charger. I new one. That too
original. It was a bit expensive but I don’t want to take chances with the laptop.
I visited a café late evening. Wrote few poems. These days,
I am even writing in Hindi at times. Would share a poem here later on.
It gives me much more joy to write in Hindi than English.
Because English flows like breathing out of me. I write and write English poems
as I think or feel. But Hindi poems come out so rarely out of me. They happen
when I really feel something from my soul. So, they release something really
deep. They therefore make me way happier.
Have played soft French songs now. So romantic. Wanna
listen?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPZ_fA1ysXY
I am having Limca today! Ha ha!
I had never been into carbonated drinks. Yet these days, I
am feeling like having it. So, I am listening to my body. Also, hoping to heal
the constipation I have been suffering with. Also, the heat makes me not at all
hungry. I am tired of juices and chaach. Can’t have coffee. Can’t even have much
tea. So, cold drinks seem to be the only option now. Had I been at home, or in
my childhood or teenage, I would have had custard day and night by now. But
yeah! Life changed. One needs to do with where one be and what one has!
I did attend Krishna’s procession also last evening. Though
I just visit him, feel the vibe and then return back. I don’t really stay for
horse dances and stuff. I always wonder about the conditions the horses are
kept in. Also, I don’t find dancing horses entertaining. I would much more like
to see them running free in a ground. Though, I too absolutely love
horse-riding. But I don’t know. Maybe, I imagine them well kept in some farm without
any iron heels and then would love to ride them. Here though, they only wear
ghunghroos and are made to dance upon sand. I don’t think it is inhuman. Just
doesn’t suit them as per me. Horses are meant to run wild and free! Not dance in
a crowd entertaining people.
Alright my love! Let’s talk tomorrow. I don’t know why I am
feeling like talking on today. But yeah! Things are better in a limit. Aaj ke
liye itna hi.
Loads of Love.
Take care yo! Wherever you be. In whichever dimension.
Remember to to pamper yourself. Remember to dress well.
Remember to keep on creating. Remember to do art for art’s sake. Remember that
music be the best and biggest therapy. Remember that regardless of the society
around you, be so in touch with yourself, that you don’t get impacted by it. Do
what is right.
Loads of Love!
Mmmmmmuuuah!
And ya, don’t be a people pleaser. People can be as stupid
as one can be. Or people can be wise and experienced as well. What matters is
for you to observe and listen to your own inner voice and then decide if
something is right or not or if someone is right or not. Kindness and liking
someone are two different things. Everyone deserves respects regardless of
their work, caste, age or gender. Yet, clear lines need to be drawn when it
comes to who has access to you time or heart!
Loads of Love!
Mmmmmuuuah….
A slow romantic dance with you in a shaded room somewhere on
a sunny morning with loads of greens outside our window… hopefully it be
raining!
See you tomorrow yo!
Aaah! This music though is not letting me leave. It’s simply
so romantic. I feel like dancing. I feel like loving.
My heart feels pretty expanded these days and I am grateful
for that. And this music. Oh, this music.
What say? Wanna join me to some imaginary plain? Though we
just did. But why not?
A world made of clouds. With a bright golden moon. The same music.
You and I. There be a turquoise river somewhere. A land of grass super green. Comfy
mounts to roll from. Noone else but us to run by. We laughing, talking,
teasing, running. We dressed in comfy white. Lying upon grass. Rolling by the
mounts. Now cycling. Now, dancing.
Now lying next to each other. Staring into each other’s
eyes!
You just said something witty! I laugh and even get turned
on.
You gently let your finger run down from my face till my
nape. I giggle a bit. You hold me close.
The music continues…
You hold my waist and pull me towards you. This time with
haq. As if I belong to only you.
Our lips collide! And we flow… right along with the music…
each pore… each breath… each laughter… eyes locked into each other… eyes closed…
Music continues…
We feel!
Love you!
See you tomorrow!
Amore’!
…………
March 23, 2025
8 A.M.
Good morning my love! Along with the first glimpse of Sun! Continuining
the music where we left last time… Same like those connections that don’t get
impacted by the passage of time… But the love only increases and connection
continues where one left it…
Along with the charger of my lapi, as if life has returned
back to me. Uff! All these series, the emotions! This be the only way I
experience feelings! Though last evening I could find a beautiful evening and
night in Pushkar. It was the last day of Krishna’s procession – everyone was
celebrating rang basant Panchami. Families ensured to make rangolis outside
their houses – everywhere before the procession passed from there. Men, women,
kids – everybody contributed. Back at home, it was only my job to do a rangoli
on Diwali. Here, everyone seemed like a pro with commendable designs in such
less time. Even if they knew that soon so many would walk over it along with
the procession. But they all gave their best. I found the creative side even in
men. I really liked what one of the priests here did with the designs. The work
of white. I found the designs to be so different and unique. So much I liked two
of the patterns that I even copied them in my diary. Even my guest house people
were making it outside. I had to literally control myself to not go down there
and help them. It was however cute to find the owner coming up with a pattern
so calculatively. Also, it resembled so much with one of my own paintings. With
numerous stars and a flower in the middle. The procession had numerous dances with
all pomp and show. People personifying Gods. I was waiting for the Krishna’s
statue. Somehow, each day it gave me a new vibe and joy all these passing days.
The evening before, I found so much of love just by passing by that. I wanted
to touch the statue, wished to dance upon bhajans, and guess what, I even
wished to ride the horses walking in front. I realised that a kid inside me was
still alive but I had to control it.
Last night, I remembered my own childhood when I too used to
become Radha on Janamashtami or school functions always and dance upon various
devotional songs. I had not expected myself to actually enjoy all those dances.
But it was amazing. I was watching it all from my terrace. And though I really
wished to be down there with a clearer vision, but I just stayed up and watched
by.
That’s one big issue with me. I so love to participate in
everything. I think, that’s the biggest thing I have learned growing up – to not
participate and observe. Not just outside but even my internal feelings at
times. Though I would always be a first bencher in life. But no writer ever
lives while writing. One needs to keeps on switching between feeling and observing.
between living and portraying… It’s extremely rare when you are right In the
moment and also expressing your feelings about it. But those rare amalgamations
are seriously the best!
Oh, I even went for a ride last night. Rode an electric
scooty for the first time with an old acquaintance. That kind of scooty simply doesn’t
make a single sound. It was so weird and smooth to ride it. It felt as if I was
riding upon a slant with engine off. But the engine was on. Oh, and there was
no need to start it again and again. It simply remains on… All you need to use
is Race and the scooty stops when you leave the race. There is no need to apply
break. It was super easy to ride it. My companion said, ‘darti kyun hai? Darna nai.
Bindaas chala.’ – when I hesitated upon an off road. That was the single
statement of the night. We even went out to couple of desolate places under
stars. But yeah, he was all about what next what next… And possibly was
expecting something else. So, we came back pretty early. But ya, I went out,
rode and some how I wasn’t hurt by his expectations or lack of excitement. I didn’t
have many hopes.
That’s what! it’s expectations that bring disappointments. I
need to learn to accept people how they are. Not like I am looking for a partner.
Friends can be of all kinds and nobody is born mature about how to treat
others.
Maybe I am. Somehow, something deep in, expects still the
best from everyone I meet. Even those younger or elder than me. Specially from
those who be the same age as me. I feel, why don’t these men understand such
basic things? Why are women so massively objectified or seen only as
entertainment? Do these men have no emotional needs? Do they have no mind to
discuss anything that may be of value to the mind or society?
These days I am looking at an old series called Rishta.com.
It was a sony’s show maybe from the time of my own teenage. But it is now that
I have discovered it and they release it also in the same old fashion. One
episode each day for five days a week. Yet, each episode is enough on its own,
so one is never left hanging in between. You get pretty content with each
episode. There is a girl and guy there who are partners and who run a matrimonial
company along with few other same interesting characters. Few characters keep
on changing like the couples they arrange to meet with each other and other
supporting characters. What I like the most is the chemistry between the main
two protagonists – the guy and girl. They were college friends and later
partners. They never had anything else between them. They say that they are not
of each other’s type. But the connection they share between each other, the
care, the space to be their own selves, the support, the way they complement
each other’s entirely opposite being – it actually makes them perfect for each
other. Their platonic love seems even better and deeper than any other
chemistry one can ever have. I rather want to see them together for they
despite of their differences, complete each other.
It's snowing in
Manali. My lapi is synched to the weather of Manali’s location. I just never
changed it for I like to still stay connected to my manali. Yet, all this
while, I felt a bit jealous of anyone still there in snow, for I do miss my
Manali. All though, despite of visiting it for past 12 years… more or less
spending half a year each year there… and still, I always return back
disappointed by the society. The vibes are only getting corrupted more and more
there. But the nature! Oh! The nature! That remains the same. And that is what
pulls me. But I no more spend as much time in forests or on mountains trekking
or tripping. I have grown up. I have work to do now. And that’s why I have to
be more in people. Also, now without intoxicants – the society becomes even more
apparent to observe. I miss that village like purity there. But yeah! It is
time to move my location now. It would still be mountains ofcourse. But
somewhere still less impacted by vices of city.
‘And when the dawn calls us back
My love will stay upon your skin’
That French collection of songs is really amazing. I have
rather pinned that playlist upon my chrome. I had not even expected to write
anything to you this morning. So blank was I before our date. And just 3
minutes ago that I played this playlist – and even I am wondering at the way my
fingers are racing right now!
I have begun a new Turkish series. Left the last one in
between. Everyone used to shout and yell there and people had so many issues. I
mean, at least for my entertainment I either like to watch something
informative or something light, even funny, or motivating… but ya! Don’t need
stress. Don’t want to watch poverty.
Even the series must impact our own frequency, right? I fell
in love with the hero of this one right from the first scene! Haven’t checked
out who he is. Don’t even remember the name of the series. But yeah! I got
hooked to his face and then all the things were there in it that I like.
Mountains… farm houses… horses… sports cars… helicopters… powerful female
protagonist… I really like Turkish people a lot. I find them super beautiful –
both males and females. This one is dubbed in Hindi. So no extra jaan and alla
alla as well. Ha ha! Although, I really like urdu. I somehow find it quite deep
and more touching. Like there is a big time difference between prem and Mohabbat.
Though, ‘prem’ feels purer and platonic to me and ‘Mohabbat’ seems more crazier
and way more intense.
I am missing Delhi a lot these days. The other day I heard a
great poem on Delhi and somehow I felt as if the poem was intead about me.
Though I know that even if I go there, I won’t be able to live Delhi the way I
miss it. Any place becomes a certain feeling for us because of our memories
there and those memories are most often attached with other people. Like
Bangalore became that special to me because I became independent there and
along with most of my jobs, I had such meaningful connections there. Quality
connections, travel, riding, living independently, painting, clubbing – so much.
Delhi too means so much to me because I did five years of my
college there. I don’t really miss my school days or moments at home when it
comes to missing Delhi as a city. I do miss my college days. The people I had,
the places I visited along with them… all those late nights… friends all around…
friends to hang out with… friends to tease… I even miss Delhi’s malls though I
am not much of a mall kind of girl. But with a certain friend, I loved going
out to watch eachand every movie whenever it released and always go for caramel
popcorns and later discuss the movie along with street side momos. Or with
another, I didn’t mid going for long bike rides even in scorching sunlight –
just to talk and have some quality time. With my grad friends, Kamla nagar was
the place to be. More than that our entire college campus. Ofcourse hugs with
my grad bestie. Even the washroom of college – for it was our meeting point in
between lectures. I miss staying in Vijay Nagar as well. Even if that was the
filthiest life I ever had. But I had so many friends around and I had love back
then. Though, that love was toxic. But I was immature and so were people
around. And we lived the most. I don’t miss living there. I more miss that feeling
of being with comfy people around. Jahan jahan jao, sab apne hain… garmi lage
to ATM mei jaa kar thandi hawa khao… sardi lage, to ganesh bhaiya ke paas group
bna kar chai pee lo…Kahin bhi aag jala lo.. bamboos ke paas between lectures
baithe raho.. poore din gappe maaro… beech raat bhi nikloge to kuch na kuch
khula milega and kitne hi apne mil jayenge… and din mei to ofcourse sab hai hi…
jahan college ghar tha and ghar college… dost room par aney se pehle jug bhar
ke ganne ka juice lane bolte aate they… meri kitchen mei pehle cups dhote they
aur sab ke liye chai bnate they… jahan nai induction gas poora group celebrate
karta tha… aur meri life ke pehle kachche pake chawal bhi sab itne pyaar se kha
lete they… aah! College memories!
I may go to those theatres but it won’t be the same
experience… I may go visit malls, but it would be tasteless. I may even go to
kamla nagar but without my frinds around shouting, chilling, singing out loud,
judging others – it would all be tasteless. I may go visit Vijay Nagar, but
without my home there, my classes the next day, my friends around – it would be
but a dirty filty locality where I once lived in my teens!
Anyway, that’s that! Though, I would have never liked Delhi
had I not had my college there. Even the classy side was all thanks to my friends.
Though the monuments and my love for them was all my own. I explored them
mostly on my own and even took my friends and cousins along – when and if they
wanted to. I love ancient places. And Delhi has such solid history. I could always
transcend to some other time whenever I visited those monuments.
Another reason why I fell in love with Pushkar the first
time I came here. It was ancient. The entire city – with such rich history. The
first eight months I could keep on digging in. I wrote a long narrative of more
than 1 lakh 50 thousand words… around 350 pages… can you believe it? I still
can’t! although, I still haven’t got it published. I wanted to get it
traditionally published. But without an agent or contacts, the process is next
to impossible. I don’t have much faith in self-publishing. I do believe that
one day that book too would be out and the way I wish for it.
Though the book carries such massive knowledge and wisdom –
everything that I gathered and learned in those eight months… but my feeling
changed and they still change – each year that I visit Pushkar. I don’t want to
become so detached that by the time that original book gets published, I be
totally disenchanted by my experiences over here. Well, publishing process
takes time or so I am told.
Sometimes I wish for some solid support – someone guidance,
someone who knew the ins and outs of this particular field and how to go about
it – to actually publish my books successfully. I write and write for that’s
something I can’t live without. It’s more of my own need than responsibility. I
feel I am born to write. I have been writing from age nine. Though, now I am
seeking something all together different. Have written so much about travel,
spirituality, psychology, philosophies, emotions, people and places… now it
needs to be something different.
Or else, I might switch to making movies. For these days,
people hardly read. Books seem to be replaced by movies and movies seem to be
replaced by reels! Society is lacking patience and things are becoming quicker
and quicker. Though nothing can replace the feeling one gets when one imagines
while reading a book. Every emotion is given a word, each thought is written
clearly… and one imagines so much… I think, I have such wide imagination all
thanks to thousands of books I read growing up!
O.k. then my love! Let me catch up later.
Loads of Love!
Mmmmmmmuuuahhhhh
………………………………
March 24, 2025
8 P.M.
Hello my love! Surprised? Sorry couldn't catch up in morning. Had slept after two days in morning itself so missed the alarm. .
Still, wanted to ensure our daily catch up - looking at the number of days we have left .. it's too less!
Aah! I am gonna miss you. Though, it was so different being with you. Finding magic in the ordinary.
O.k., so I am sitting in a cafe right now. Had begun my Pushkar journey from here years ago. The first place I ever visited in Pushkar. My first ever stay was here.
Since, I may leave Pushkar soon, each visit of mine over here feels like the last one! Yet the last time I had left Pushkar, I had decided to never ever be here. Yet I returned. Rather lived here for past six months. So I can't say this time too, that it would be a farewell for ever, for one never knows... Also, deep in I am quite emotional. I do get attached to people and places emotionally. Not in an obsessed manner but more from the level of heart.
Oh, I bought a lot many essential oils today. They are my weekness... For past six months I had been wishing to go to that shop and but fragrances... Finally I did that. Bought Tea tree oil, Lavender, Rosemerry, Rose, Oudh, Lemon grass, Turkish Oudh... And the shopowner gifted me with Pink flower and denim musk... I always used to buy musk from here. That's one of my favorite fragrances. Tea tree is really good for healing. Lemon grass and Rosemerry both are therapeutic... I make something many products back home with these oils like lip balms, skin serums, hair oil, therapy oils, aroma diffusers and so on... Oudh is another favorite of mine for it provides this earthy kind of fragrance, as if water be making love to dry soil... Like the smell of fresh rain... I love it...
And ofcourse, Can't live without lavender. That's my all time favourite. It provides divine protection as well.
Couldn't tell you about yesterday though. My day began quite early. Had not slept. Was chilling watching a series that an acquaintance from Ajmer invited me out. He doesn't like naming connection. He says that today's friend turns into tomorrow's enemy. So I already call him an enemy. He also reads all my books and this blog so can't bitch about him. Lol. Well, he is a sweet soul and totally an enemy for he took me for the longer wya that too at 1 O'clock's scorching heat. But I had made him wait as well. Guess, it was fair. Ha ha.
We visited one of his favorite cafes that offered pretty bland shakes. Uff! I just don't know why people turn vegan... I can't live without dairy. Also, turning vegan doesn't mean that you would suck out any and all flavours out of life... Well, atleast they serve healthy.
Also, the story of the owner of that cafe was pretty inspiring. She faced a lot in her life with constant move and all kinds of people and finally landed in Pushkar where she felt that she actually belonged. And here that she opened a cafe with her family at the age of 60 plus... Interesting know. She inspired me to begin whatever I want and do whatever I like regardless of age or time.. also my companion philosophised, telling me to work for my dreams... Like I said, he is a sweet soul... Trying to heal all the mistakes of men I come across by trying to do what I need... If I mention I feel like hanging out, he tried to come to meet the very next day. When I say, I seek intellectual conversation, he pops up Osho and his concepts. Ha ha. So cute.
Anyway, we even went and met his crush last afternoon. And I kept teasing him about it the entire day. We also visited one more place where my hubshi mode turned on. Any day when I don't sleep enough, I turn super hungry. So I dived into food and he simply looked at me all shocked with my eating capacity. Ha ha.
I did catch up power nap late afternoon on returning back and then went out to an all together new cafe. I ordered a chilled frappe there and along with sounds of nagada, evening aarti, bhajans downstairs, mild music and numerous conversations of foreigners around; I worked upon my upcoming book. The next few hours it was just my lapi and I... And then, guess what... I found Krishna's procession once again on the streets... Totally unexpected. This time, upclose! It was a sweet surprise. As if Krishna ensured to meet me even after what I had thought to be the procession's last day.
Well, I was tired so returned back to my room. Had an early dinner but couldn't sleep still. The entire night was entertainment and finally passed out early morning...
This turkish series that I am watching... It's name is 'Bold and beautiful'... Though, it says that the guy is super bold and the girl is beautiful... But I find the guy super handsome and the girl quite smart and powerful. They totally fit each other. The hero looks so so handsome. I love guys with a beard. His stature is tall, muscular, a bit long curly hair, little moustache, decent beard... And not only is he handsome, but witty, caring, gentle, brave, strong, a leader...
The girl has a pixie cut as her hairstyle. I miss my short hair though I prefer longer hair. But yeah, short hair are so convenient. You can wash them everyday and they don't bother you. They are just there. They make one look younger and chic. Though, I also feel that her face is super beautiful. With longer hair, she would have looked almost an angel.
B.t.w. a kid actually called me 'apsara' di last evening. Lmao... And he actually meant it. It wasn't a name mistake!
Right now, it's a starry night. I am sitting right in front of Pushkarraj. There are happy people around. Cafe has yellow lights and lot of plants. I feel at peace. I am dressed in a back speggatitie and rugged jeans with pink shrug. Possibly that's why the guy gifted me with perfume called pink flower. Oh, the shrug actually has tiny flowers upon it - I just noticed.
This is something I love about Pushkar. It boosts the femininity in me. I feel more feminine here. I feel like dressing up and alliterating myself with jewels and chunks. In Himachal I prefer to be simple and comfortable with as less accesories as possible. Though there too I have lived all that hoppie lifestyle years ago .. but ya! Here I really take care of myself. Each evening that I dress up and then go out... Which is all crucial.
These days, because Moon is in waning phase, it actually visits my room through window middle of might. I always get super thrilled to be able to look at moon from my room regardless where I be.
Long back, once, I was in Laddakh... I guess in a village called Diskit or somewhere close to Nubra valley. I was lost... Had found a room with much difficulty late at night... The owner was super nice. That entire room was pretty huge and had a massive glass window on one wall. Late at night after a tiresome day, when I had finally felt safe and comfy in that room... A giant golden moon had visited my room.. not only was I enthralled by that guest house's lady owner's kindness, but that Moon had totally made the night super magical.
That night onwards, any day that I find Moon visiting any of my windows and I get transcended to Laddakh instead. Isn't it amazing how few moments become such significant memories that they almost become time capsules or portals powerful enough to make you psychologically travel!!!
It's the first evening conversation we are having. This is my preferred time of interacting as well. I have never been a morning person. Most of my dates with time also happened at night time. It's only with you, and another blog 6 A.M. that also happened in Pushkar; and the first ever blog 5 A.M. that are morning blogs. Technically speaking even 4 A.M. would be morning for it be Bhramma Muhrat. But ya, basically without daylight....
That's something I also observed in Turkish series. They so insist upon showing early mornings of their protagonists... And they showcase healthy habits as well..like girl going for a morning run or boy working out... They show their bodies and nature like that... But ya... Looking at everyone with morning light and pretty jazzed up for the day - also keeps the energy of the show alive. Last night I wanted to sleep but they were having such energetic mornings and mornings... And I was like, how can I feel sleepy when they are all powered for the day.... Lol.... Also, the background music is something that keeps the mind totally grooved to the series. Turkish music like their perfumes is pretty Mystical and something I adore.... Another reason why I bought that Turkish Oudh perfume today.... Back in Goa, I had also found pretty amazing Turkish musical instruments .. I had never seen such instruments... They had a hypnotic quality to their sound... And those turkish musicians in one of the videos I saw of Rishikesh, they even sang in such a way that one could totally get lost in the mazes of the musician's voice and world.. it really fascinates me - turkish music.
I think I have some past life connection to Turkey. In one of the past life regression therapy sessions, I had also seen myself in Turkistan as a person from there. I wasn't even aware of the country or culture back then, but the details that I had seen there were so apt that I later checked...
Even growing up... I don't know why those series attract me. Many a times, the patriarchy shown there or the drama impacts me... For it is not at par with my own beliefs... Yet, something that pulls me to their culture. I find the people super attractive, even their food seems tempting (atleast their desserts, if not the non veg dishes)... I even get tempted to have their black tea though I am much of a tea person... I love their language... Though, ofcourse I have to see dubbed series... But there have been one or two super long series that I actually saw in Turkish language with English subtitles... Back then, I had even learned a few words... Evet means Yes. Aahir means No. Chabuk chabuk means hurry hurry... Etc...
When they dub it, half the magic is gone, I know. I feel like listening to the original voice of those characters .. I feel like understanding their own language when I watch them acting...
But ya, I also have pretty solid opinions about many things they promote on the name of entertainment... But ya, everything has pros and cons... And regardless, something in me gets pulled by turkish culture for sure!
See, even talking about them, I had completely forgotten that I am infact in Pushkar. As I raised my eyes, I realised where am I sitting and my own life!
Would have to do the mundane next... Buying groceries and stuff!!!
I can even stay on even the next month... Navratri are coming... Have heard there be nice bhajans here in Pushkar... Also, some renowned kathavachak (devotional story teller) is coming over to orate bhagvat geeta in a few days over here. ..but I hardly go for such sessions... Also, I guess, it's time to move on to newer stories... Until, I don't close past chapters; how would new ones begin?
Guys are more or less pretty limited around. All they seek is body with not much ability to actually emotionally or intellectually connect... Girls are not much allowed to be out or when they do, they seek attention or fail to be normal...
Religion is nice if you don't use your mind. For the people practicing it carry double or rather multiple faces.
I though am super grateful for all that Pushkar blessed me with. It has been a long journey... Four years... Pushkar surely changed me a lot... I guess, I should take the good things from here... How people actually know how to live here... The various festivals they come out to celebrate .. numerous rituals that make this place culturally rich... Art and creativity that Rajasthan is abound with .. how any day becomes a festival simply when few people gather with their purest of intentions... The way various cultures propogate here including foreigners from all around the world...
True, people are pretty stingy and greedy but who is not in this time! True, patriarchy is a bit too much over here, but thank God, I neither as born here, nor oblised to accept all these unnecessary social conditions... True, it would possibly take them a lot many years to evolve from gross and reach the level of souls - that too provided they be willing to change for the better.... But each has his or her own journey and we must respect every path and it's level of evolution...
Still the people of Pushkar seem way way better than those people from city who though seem open and happy but don't really know how to care or really be concerned with others' well being.
Though, there are issues like people overtly intermingling with your life or talking trash about each other... But they also care.... At the time of need people stand together... People still help each other, be kind to each other...
And though they are still not as liberal but they all chant God's name and in Kalyuga, that matters a lot... Satsangs are epic... Numerous ceremonies are sheer magic.
I wish the people were as good and divine like the deeds they do or the vibe they portray... But, I hope and believe that while acting a certain character, even the actor absorbs few of those characteristics.... Way better than city people arrongantly I'll treating each other. ..
I do hope for a better society in the world. Pushkar did help me take a dive in Satyuga in a way. Though, the flaws of Kalyuga sure were there...but it is more about our own focus...and what do we need to learn or adopt from where.
And honestly, no other place in the entire country has satsangs like Pushkar. Pushkar is Pushkar. There be goods and bads everywhere. There be good and bad people everywhere ... But satsangs in Pushkar and their contribution to collective evolution is nowhere like here... I would always remain indebted to have had experienced it all these years! They helped me become a part of this culture. They helped me feel that I belong over here. My needs maybe more and different. My evolution can be more and different.. but their contribution in my journey would always be cherished...
I feel grateful. I feel energised. It seemed pre-written for me to be here and experience these vibes all these years!!!
Alright my love!!!
Catch you tomorrow yo!!!
Loads of love for you.
Sitting here, watching my Pushkar - made me flow I guess...
Love you ..
Mmmmmmmuuuuah!
..........
March 25th, 2025
8 A.M.
Good morning yo! A sunny morning from Pushkar! I had
expected this morning to be way different from what it turned out to be! Yet
here we are! Only that happens – that divine wills! Time again and again proves
that to me. Also, in a way I had pictured exactly this – or had secretly
wished. But deeply I had wished for something else! Sorry, if you don’t get my
words today. I just don’t want to jinx anything! Also, for the first time so
many people are reading our narrative along with us as it’s going on – for the
first time in all my time dating history! It feels weird! As if I am not free
to express! On the other hand, I don’t want others’ opinions or judgements
impact my words or stop me. I began a ritual ten years ago! And I won’t change
it for anyone or anything! Let the world think whatever it thinks! If they are
more interested in my life – well, I don’t care! I am honest here if nothing
else. And the fact that I still write on, helps me become even more fearless in
terms of my expressions!
Let me change this music. Last night, for many hours, I
worked on a similar kind of music as I worked upon my upcoming book. Finally
its all typed out. Still a lot of editing work needs to be done. But the copy
part from my diary to word is done. O.k. then wait! Let me change the music to
something happier!
It's getting quite hot these days in Pushkar! Would you
believe the maximum reaches to 36. Haha! Nice number. As it adds up to nine. I
love numbers and their energy!
‘Humko bhi galib hona hai
In gazlon si ankhon mei khona hai’.
The first few lines of the playlist I have played. Loved it’sname
as well – ‘Sukoon’. Here’s the link!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3Lmu07H4hI
I had written a bhajan here in Pushkar a few months back.
Even got a chance to sing it out in one of the satsangs. A guy there picked a
word out of that song and named me that – ‘Ibadat’. I had loved that name. and
I had named him Saumya! The only good feeling of that connection apart from few
more moments. But he was pretty toxic in essence. Big words with pretty
badtameez attitude when he didn’t get what he wanted. Well, I would only take
the good part.
I wish people understood purity. I wish people understood
depth. World stays struck at superficial. I wonder, are the people afraid to be
with others or are they afraid of their own selves! But then, people can only
meet with others at the level they have met with themselves. Therefore, one
shouldn’t ever take others’ conduct personally.
I don’t anymore. No guys’ ill intentions or lack of depth
hurts me anymore. I feel, aah! Another immature person who still needs to grow
up. I wish them the best and simply switch my way. Though, I always ensure to
tell them once or twice exactly my issue or what I had rather expected from
them. But never that I find a person with his psyche strong enough to actually
work upon himself, to take those words constructively and put in efforts for
the connection. Instead, these boys take it upon their ego, or decide to choose
some other girl who has even lower expectations from them, or few instead
decide to trash talk about me… I don’t really care. Their loss! I have really
grown up and am evolved to be patting fragile egos! I worked upon myself,
learned from life – not to be stroking undeserving egos. I ensure to compliment
whatever deserves a compliment. But likewise, I even criticize if I feel
something to be not right! Not to everyone. But to the people who matter even a
bit to me. And their reaction tells me if saying anything would matter or not.
Also, it lets me know – if the connection has any scope or not.
Another thing that really irks me is lies! Another turn off
is people who don’t stick to their words! Both show pretty weak spirits to me.
I feel any individual should be strong enough to stand for truth and stick by
his or her words!
Although, Machiavelli taught something entirely different in
his book ‘Prince’. But the cost was pretty massive there. I did learn the
lesson there and also understand that in this society where each and everyone
be so dubious, it is literally impossible to always stick by your words. People
change, so does time… One can’t sacrifice things like dignity, self-respect or
even self-love just for words! Yet, I try to always keep my words until the cost
be my peace of mind or the afore mentioned conditions!
I guess, this playlist is pretty sad. One of the songs seem
to be some title song of some programme. Let me change the music.
I wish for some thing happier or groovy. Have been sad and
restless last night weirdly. I even cried for a minute and then wondered, why
am I even crying. The tears were at the brink, had hardly come out that I
stopped crying for my mind began to race about the reason to cry. I couldn’t
find any. And I got bored of crying in a minute. Lol. Saala, rona bhi nai ata
kabhi kabhi. Ha ha!
And that playlist that I had played last night had comments
like, ‘I can meditate and cry over it any day!’ I was like, Who are these
people looking for music to cry! And why did I cry! That too after an hour of
listening to the same music that seemed to be on a loop! And it was supposed to
go on for one more hour! Ha ha! I changed it there and then!
O.k. so we are listening to some French ballad songs now. I
have hopes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UE6a8y31SiM
These days, I am getting glimpses of my childhood and youth spent
in Delhi – just randomly. I be doing something and just suddenly that a vision
comes to me. Like just now I saw myself walking upon the road when I used to go
from my home to maths classes back in class 12th.
Likewise, I see myself at various places. Suddenly I reach
some long-forgotten mall. Or reach kamla nagar. I reach the portico of my house
back in campus. The visions be so momentary – same like a shooting star! And I
be left in the after-effect! I wonder – what was the reason for seeing that
memory just now? What sense does it make? It’s not even related!
But then, the visions happen! God knows the mystery of mind
and why it behaves in whatever way it behaves!
‘Every heartbeat, every song
You and I – where we belong!’
I miss Manali as well like that. This time though, it got
pretty mixed with I mistrusting a wrong girl. I actually considered her a
friend. Because I had lost a best friend just last year, I was pretty
vulnerable so trusted this girl quite easily. Although, I got all the signs of
cosmos to not trust her… I still did… For she needed my help! And that over-kind
nature just becomes my biggest enemy at times. I trusted her and she used me. Stayed
at my place, used my contacts and resources… secretly, she was jealous of me. And
wasn’t really a good friend.
I had my doubts. But I still decided to choose love. That’s
one big issue with me. I trust the homeless, the abandoned ones, the misunderstood
– the first. I have a separate corner in my heart for them like a massive guest
room for special guests …. That I open up for the wrongest of people. And I trust
them, give them my purest of love… only to be wronged later on!
Well, it doesn’t hurt anymore! I just need to work upon this
nature of mine. But it doesn’t stop trusting or being kind – specially to the
strangers! And though my sixth sense is super strong. I generally am quite a
good judge of people’s intentions… yet, these be the times, when I misjudge… for
my wish to help overrules my intuition to protect myself.
Thankfully, my tarot readings still keep me aware. They
continuously ensure to beware me of possible betrayals and though I still do
what I feel like, but my mind gets prepared for even betrayals. And thus, it
hurts less now. For I still help and be kind, despite of knowing the others’
intentions. And they feel that they are being smart, but I let them be smart
oftentimes… for at the time, my empathy doesn’t let me tell the truth on their
face… and my heart still hopes to instil the good in their hearts!
Well, all this is not to highlight my goodliness or
something. I just fail to draw proper lines many a times and prioritise others’
needs over mine until water goes above my head… and then, a volcano erupts! For
though I don’t say much till that point, I still observe and let go. But no
more after that!
Though, what I need to learn is to be more direct and
confident about my lines and boundaries. I don’t know why I grew up without
being efficient in that. But I am learning and bit and bit I am getting better
at it.
‘Every whisper, every tune
Still dancing slow – beneath the Moon’
I can hear a man and a kid giggling outside my window. They can
either be upon the terrace outside or maybe they are passing by the tiny street
downstairs. It is just nice to hear happy people wherever they be. It pleases
my heart whenever I see someone happy. Kids be little angles who bring the best
out of others! They bring the kids, the purest of laughter, the teasing, the
naughtiness in others!
‘Still chasing shadows
Of your smile!’
I feel like having momos this morning as I saw a lady in a
series eating a dessert that looked same like momos. I had seen it at 5 A.M.
and ever since I am wishing to go have momos. Though, no one in Pushkar makes
momos like Delhi. Oh, there is a Chinese van nearby my place – and honestly those
are my favorite momos in the entire country. Do you know, he never keeps the momos
boiled in advance! No sir! He freshly makes and boils a fresh batch each time
someone orders. And therefore it takes 30-40 minutes every time anyone orders
there – but the food there is so finger licking good. Whenever I go back to Delhi,
I always ensure to have those momos. Back in my 11th 12th
and even grad time – I used to have atleast two plates of momos every fucking
day. Including my gym days I guess when I had six pack abs. I had suck strict
diet then but I don’t remember sacrificing my momos even then. Maybe I am
exaggerating a bit. Guess, at least in gym days I must have quit. For I get
crazy if I get into anything. And then I follow each and every rule and step as
required. So I must have quit momos during my gym days. But school time and
grad time – before and after gym phase -I am quite sure – I was totally into
it.
And twelve years of
travelling all across the country and I have not found momos better than that
van. Including Himalayas – laddhakh and even Sikkim. They fill momos with
different veggies. I could have found better versions of them. Like round
dumplings in a fancy bamboo basket… but that van is the best!
Aah! I miss those momos! Hey eight! Wouldn’t it have been
amazing, had you been a romantic real person and been so passionate to actually
manifest those exact momos for me! Uff! All these Turkish heroes be so
chivalrous in their gestures. They are willing to even face dangers and be so
considerate with such thoughtful meaningful gestures of love! I know, reality
be way different from such things! But it’s just nice to see characters
actually putting such efforts for emotions and connections – even if it be in
acting! It helps me keep it alive – the amber of humanity and romance! Buried deep
in my heart – as a hope to see in the world!
Alright my love! Catch you later! Who knows I may catch up even
in evening. Or tomorrow ofcourse for sure!
Loads of love!
Mmmmmmuuuahhhh
‘Still dancing slow beneath the Moon’.
……………………………
March 26, 2025
8 A.M.
Good morning love!
‘With you I’m lost in trance’
Have just played a full power romantic playlist…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIRuhQM9Auw
Today’s background! Today’s theme! Love!
And I am having coffee fused with cocco and Vannilla! The
room or at least the area around me smells the same – chocolaty!
I feel suddenly romantic or maybe the thirst for it or maybe
the fulfilment of it with you!
‘With you I can fly!’
The days are rolling by! I have escaped my environment successfully
for past two three days in a series! It’s so full of love though also with a
lot of criminal mystery… yet, the intense passion and the belief in love is
just not to be missed! I feel romantic again! For they show real emotions! Not
the airy kind! But the deep feelings. Though majorly the series revolves around
solving criminal mysteries and I even fast forward the romantic scenes for they
drag those scenes super slow… and yet, when they take the topic of love… the
poetry, the gestures, the meaningful gifts, the cherished memories! Aah! I feel
love again.
‘With you I’m finally whole!’
And I just saw a vision of my childhood nearby nani’s home
in some parlour! Weird! See, how these visions completely change my mental trajectory.
And that was a time when I didn’t even understand love. Rather
my roots were deciding upon my fate back then! And I was naïve with utmost
faith in both my roots. They did keep me safe! They still ensured to stay
beside. But the damage it all caused! Irreparable!
Alright! So let’s first talk about last evening. There is a
super sweet soul around in Pushkar. He is really a good human being. I know him
for past four years now. His entire family. Back then he had a tiny shop. Now
he also has another café of an entire guest house to manage. He has been such a
good help whenever I need him. Years ago, I had even baked cakes in his kitchen
on Christmas and he had opened his entire kitchen with whatever extra supplies
I needed without an iota of selfish reasons. He is really a good human being.
And I feel thankful to have such humans in the world. Yesterday, He brought me
holy water that he had got from Mahakumbh. I had been long wishing to take a
dip in the water. Never wanted to go in the crowd. Yet wished for that water.
Another friend had couriered it to my home. But ofcourse, I haven’t reached
Delhi yet. But Pushkar fulfilled that wish of mine all thanks to that person.
He gifted me with the holy water last evening.
Not only he himself is such a good human being even the
people who work along with him are awesome. Remember that kid I mentioned who
studies in 10th class and I really love to talk to him. He too is a
super beautiful soul. Not only he makes such epic tea but takes care of those
tiny things that people like or dislike. For example, he got to know that I
prefer to have tea in a specific mug that is kept in their other café. Now,
every time I go there to have tea, he walks all the way to other café, gets
that mug for me and only then gives me tea. Even I forget oftentimes. Not he. He
remembers. And that always overwhelms me. I wish God gifts him with miracles.
Today is his maths exam. He had told me that he found math difficult. He obviously
doesn’t even get time to study for he works in the café. People like him
inspire me. He works and is responsible at such a young age. And he is so
thoughtful to take care of everyone’s needs. He loves cow milk. And because it’s
not available like back at home, over here, he doesn’t drink milk…
I feel such love for that child. Dear God, he works so hard.
He is such a good human being. Please give him a lot of abundance. Give him a
good life. Give him loads of love and bliss. Though, to be such a good human
being is in itself such a blessing.
The world needs more people like him and the owner.
Honestly, there be so much of goodness in the world. Yet, all we focus upon is
what’s wrong or the corruption. But it is people like him and their tiny meaningful
gestures and deeds that actually impact the collective consciousness and make
this world a better place to live! How these people regardless of weather or
chaos around, still smile and welcome everyone and stay strong despite of their
circumstances.
‘Untamed hearts,
Wild and true’
I washed my hair last night and even cleaned the room. Life
is so unpredictable. Any day can change the entire course!
Oh, btw I realised last night that karma works so instantly
here in Pushkar. During Holi festivity, I couldn’t take care of plants for two
three days. Back in winters, it wouldn’t have been an issue for pots’ soil
remained wet and didn’t need as much care. But now that it is super-hot in Pushkar
and Sun glows each afternoon with its utmost intensity… Two three plants faced
the impact of my neglect. And it is exactly then that no matter how much I drank
water, I always felt parched. I was always dehydrated and constipated. It has
only been few days that I have resumed tending to those plants and I too feel
healthier and better again. I don’t need endless packets of chaach or other
beverages. My plants are well nourished
and I feel nourished from within. Like I said, Karma!
Aah! I don’t know who would take care of these plants once I
leave. I wish someone does. God, please take care of them. I know I brought
them here, but they just seem fit here. I don’t want to carry them with me back
home. I can. But they simply belong here. I just wish for them to be properly
taken care of.
Even during holi, I thought that so many people go upstairs;
someone or other would water them. But none did. I felt so bad when I finally checked
their condition. The rose plants already could never retain their leaves for
monkeys just leave all other plants but hand pluck each and every leaf of rose
plants and eat them. Without much water even their stems got dried. And that
kadipatta plant that was being so brave, had two new bunches of fresh stems –
the upper one got cut off – I don’t know by monkeys or someone. Well, I had to
spend one evening to weed off the unnecessary weeds and take care of the
plants. Just in few days of regular care, they all are healthier and better
again. Aah! I love them. Also, tulsi plant is doing so great. Likewise, mint is
spreading healthily. It’s nice to see them healthy and blooming!
‘In your love I found my place,
With you I found my grace!’
Oh, I had a super crazy dream last evening! See!
It has been years of realising that M is not meant for me.
That he is still not mature and I deserve someone better. But this love that I
feel for him. A single dream and the entire connection resumes in my soul.
Something within just knows him to be my Twin flame! Regardless
of our levels of evolution or maturity. He never stood by me. He stood nowhere
close to my idea partner. It was however his energy that I fell in love with. I
still do. Although, I know, we are not meant to be together. Love is there.
Will always remain. The purest of love. So deep that it almost became
devotional. Thanks to his presence I could experience love. A love so deep that
everyone around us felt it. They too fell in love. A love so passionate that
years have gone by and yet it is alive and possibly would always remain. I wish
him the best. May he find the perfect girl for him. I honestly have no
expectations from him. I just love him and wish him the best!
‘In your love I am free’
I do tell my mind numerous things! His memories too have
faded with time. It has been years meeting him. Yet, whenever I feel upset or
really alone, or whenever that I look at the Moon, or whenever I think about
ever been purely in love – it’s his memory, his energy that just knocks at my
heart. I know, it’s silly. Yet matters of heart are beyond our control. We can’t
theorize such things. My mind understands us to be incompatible. My heart could
never feel for anyone else the way it felt for him.
Though, Finally I have moved on. Mind, body, soul! Just,
there has been absolutely no one in my life after him. So, there were simply no
memories to write over him.
‘Through the dark,
Through the flame,
In your love
I am never the same’
At times though, it all seems so childish. I haven’t really
felt anything for anyone for so long. There be random other things that impact
me. But not romance. And I have always been a hard core emotional person.
Guess, along with him, the ocean of emotions dried up inside and I first became
super course, then happened the awakening… I turned spiritual…devotion did help
me find many answers in life. Spirituality helped me compose my mind… The heart
though… that specific compartment… It just got repressed. Suppressed below
layers of logic and writings and arts and what not… but never a person again…
Once, I was all about connecting. Now, I just run off from
people. I run from emotions when I notice even a slight most red flag! My past
traumas made me scared or possibly wise!
But I miss being silly at times. I just fail to be silly. I can’t
unsee things that I can see. My level has increased so much more when it comes
to people in my life. As if, I have become my own adult… my own guardian… my
own best friend… my own mother… my own father… my own sister and brother… I
have become my own beloved too…
Weird know! A world with such massive population! A life given
with even many relations… yet one has to become such an individual to protect
the self… protection from what? protection from mistreatment. From drama! From yelling
and shouting… from insults… from misunderstanding people… from an unfair world…
I have become strong. For I don’t expect… But sometimes, I
wish to be vulnerable again. I do wish to trust again. I do wish to rest my
head some day and want someone so capable that I can rest assured that everything
would be taken care of.
‘In your arms,
Everything seems right!’
Till then, I go on! Totally solo!
In my comfort zone! Not afraid to leave it. But yeah! Knowing
that it be the best in what moment… I do interact. I do go out. I do give
people as many chances as I can… But never at my own cost anymore… Never at the
cost of my peace of mind anymore… and I don’t allow anyone to insult me…
Well, there be people of all kinds. People behave as per
their own experiences and upbringing. I don’t take things personally. I
understand that everyone behaves as per their mental capacity. Yet, I have
become strong enough to defend myself if need be. And I have learned to draw
lines and boundaries for not everyone deserves a space in our heart. We can’t
love a poisonous being! For only we would be poisoned in the course!
I worked upon myself. One by one, sucked the poison out of
me. For I too was poisoned by others numerous times. But I healed myself. So, I
be careful now. But I miss that trusting self at times. The one who loved
everyone and didn’t know that people could be fake.
I do wish to believe in the world again. Wish to reach a
frequency where people be with high morals. Where humanity exists. Where connections
can thrive on platonic love. Where I actually find a person apt for me.
‘With you I’ll always be new!’
Another vision of Bikanervala somewhere in Prashant vihar or
around… where they sell golgappas. Ha ha!
Crazy mind!
Aah! I miss having dhokla suddenly. It has really been so
long that I have had dhoklas. Back in childhood mom used to make them specially
for me. I loved them. Even those in market are good. Spongy and so hydrating. But
the ones made by mom… they be my special childhood memory. In a steel plate
with round edges… made out of fermented curd and flour… later alliterated with
sarso seeds, kadipatta and stuff… not sure…
I though like to cook but sometimes. My mom though is super
epic at cooking. I always loved her cooking so much that always chose that over
attempting my own… never needed to… but then, I also like to be efficient for
past many years… now that I stay outside… or do my own cooking if I find a
chance… or enjoy outside dishes… I was also taunted a lot for having food at
home many a times… so yeah! It’s fine only… I just don’t like making those
dishes that take a lot of time… I can never make three meals a day… cooking is
but art… I only cook when I really feel like… For every day, I prefer to make
easier and quicker dishes any day… not these days though… I totally ravish the
street food of Pushkar these days! And it gets me excited! ‘What would I have
today? I wonder! Simply go to the market and have it within minutes of thinking
about it… isn’t it great…
Ha ha! Cooking takes so much of time! And these people are
all super epic at it…
I be epic at other things… I do that… cooking is not really
my forte.
I though am amazing at baking… even cooking but only when I
feel like!
‘Tender heart, soft and true’
Yesterday, when that kid was cooking and I was sitting in
the sitting area right behind… I remembered… that shop actually gives a kitchen
kind of vibe… as if you be sitting in a kitchen itself. And I realised, that is
rather my favourite kind of chill! Like somebody be cooking and I sit on slap
or something there and talk with the person…
I used to do that a lot back at home my entire childhood. Mom
used to cook and I used to sit either upon marble stairs in our previous home
or upon slap or a chair in our present home and talk to her.
Btw, do you know, kitchen is a great place for even making
love… back in Bangalore, when I had my own home and kitchen… there was a moment
there with someone… I was cooking and the person came and hugged me from behind…
Won’t go into the details… but yeah! I think, kitchen is pretty romantic as
well.
And of course, it is great place to bond with anyone…
May it be friends, or relatives or strangers or even loved
ones!
Food is such a crucial part of our life… even in all these Turkish
series, the way they show their food… their dishes… and the bonding that gets created
right along… I feel hungry even after having dinner just looking at those
dishes… and I don’t just get hungry for that food but also the bonding that
gets shown alongside… like the hero setting up a surprise table with the best
dishes for his beloved…. Or the nanny setting up a secret table for the kids
who though have grown up but still find motherly love in her cooking… or a guy
cooking for his girl… or a lady preparing a hearty meal for her family… and
stuff like that… food for sure is crucial in life… and so is romance… and when
they blend together… bang! You get a perfect scene! That fills both body, mind
and soul!
‘In your love,
I am set free!
With you, I am meant to be!’
Alright my love! Catch you later!
Loads of love!
MMMMMMUUUAHHH!
…………………………………………....
8 A.M.
Good morning yo!!! A bright morning in Pushkar!
While I be free floating as my soul is expanding. My mind totally
engrossed in an escape! Who knows why! I do believe that everything has a
reason! May be this too is cosmic designed.
‘I am lost in you…deep and slow.
Feel the fire! Let it grow!’
I don’t know why things happen the way they happen and why
life never turns out the way we plan! But then that’s life! Always a surprise! Always
a cosmic design! Still, I pray, that one everyone should have at least
something to feel proud of in his or her life. Everyone should have beautiful
connections, work filled with passion… each deserving soul should be happy to
be alive!
Though, if you really think about it, life seems so much a
question. Nothing ever known! Where we came from, where will we go! Why do we
keep living on. At times though, I feel so tired of living a certain character
that I feel like changing it all. I feel like dieing and being reborn again.
Maybe that’s why the concept of births got created. Again, innocent babies,
brainwashed into becoming replicas of other humans, taught the same alphabets
and basic… the same struggle with becoming someone… the same issues of vices…
the same morals and principles… many dreams… few come true… few don’t…. life
seems so insignificant and mundane at time…
And yet, if you really look closely… any moment and any
individual carries such massive stories…. Each ordinary moment is an entire
life… each person has so many memories and life attached to him or her! It’s
insane!
‘Every kiss, every touch
Baby I can’t get enough!’
The emotions be the same… felt so differently by different
individuals… and yet… nothing remains permanent…. It all keeps on changing…
that be both good and bad… for that’s what makes any moment precious… that’s
what adds on value to each person and every connection! You never know the expiry
date of even your own self! And so one takes pictures… carries people in their
hearts… tries to live the most and best one can… and yet, life be fleeting with
time… like sand… people wish to hold it still… may it be youth or wealth or
connections or prestige…. It all keeps on changing… it keeps on transforming….
The most strong mountains change into plains… a sudden
tectonic shift and islands collide… and plains turn into strong and mighty
mounts… desserts become oceans…. Oceans turn into glaciers… or who knows… one
never knows!!! Only the cosmos! At times I wonder, how does it all function! How
are we alive? And why? Do we actually have any reason? Or we too are like
plants… becoming fodder for future generations? Are we actually contributing to
collective consciousness? Or are we mere programmes – collecting data and
reactions of our species!
Who know? One never knows!
‘Every sigh, every touch,
Baby, I can’t get enough!’
These days even Android’s feature Gemini seems better than
humans to me. May it be the analysis or the way it responds! Do humans have any
value? Can machines replace the human touch, the real feelings? I couldn’t even
get myself to go for an electric brush. I bought it. But the sound scared me to
use. Can even a vibrator ever replace the real human touch? The way the other
heart beats... the exact points to touch while making love! The softness of
skin, the warmth of life! And still, machines are way better programmed to
reply than humans badly upbrought!
There be no anxiety in me against machines or technology. I
value science and all the good things one can utilise it for. But things like
emotions and responses and specially art and everything creative should have
been better when it came to humans. Yet Gemini be better. No doubt about it. At
times, it analysis my writings even better than my own writing… it’s scary…
well! I appreciate it.
I though secretly wish for humans to be as good when it came
to expressions, when it came to right responses… when it comes to analysis and knowing
how to handle a situation or converse!
‘Close your eyes,
Don’t let go!
Love me now!
Don’t let go!’
I have been working upon my next book. I have named it as ‘Soul
Expansion’… the illustration part is all captured… I still need to edit it a
bit more… Like name all the poems…write the before and after section…. Etc… it’s
work in progress!
‘Whisper my name
Slow and sweet
Let your love
Pull me deep!’
Won’t it be wonderful, if one day, my poetry be read
everywhere in the world…. People be learning from them, finding love in them,
finding guidance through them, getting inspired to travel and experience, fall
in love with the wsouls and places – I fell in love with!’
‘I still fall in love
With every part of you!’
Oh, I forgot to share today’s playlist! Let me give you the
background!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mbk_hnLolvA
‘Soft and smooth
Skin to skin
Heart beats race
Let love begin!’
I am literally living these nights like picnics… with lot of
munchies… a nice series! A perfect escape! Being least clothed as possible… a
clean room with mild fairy lights…. Damped floor to ensure a mild moisture in
the air with night breeze entering through the window along with Moon! Pretty
nights!
‘Nothing feels more right
than this view!’
It was a self-pamper evening yesterday! I got rid of all
extra hair off my arms and legs! I feel pretty smooth. But yeah! An excess
screen time and fucked up sleeping schedule has made my face’s skin weird!
Well! Not like I have to impress anyone! I am happy! That’s what matters!
Also, I denied two people yesterday for an outing. I just
don’t want knights when I deserve an emperor – in Tarot’s language! Ha ha!
Basically, I neither need stupid people, nor fake ones! I am good on my own! I
deserve quality connections! And finally I have detoxed myself enough to not go
for any tom, dick and harry -the way it manifested just a few days back!
I value my time… and yeah! Back in college, it was alright
to go for random night outs and rides… but they were friends… I don’t have
friends here… Don’t want to please these stupid men’s ego!
I deserve to be treated right, with respect and with proper
efforts! Or else, I deserve the right kind of friends… where we can be ourselves
regardless… without an iota of selfish needs!
‘Close your eyes,
Feel my heart!
Even time won’t pull us apart!
Today I may go to some café to finally do the remaining work
upon both the books that are pending…. Provided if I would have strength enough
by afternoon! I get so engrossed in thew series that I tire myself totally in
it and then I have to take out time to actually work…. Uff! I and my tendency
to drown in whatever that I begin!
‘Love me slow,
Make me stay!’
I washed all my clothes yesterday! Have a fresh batch of
clean clothes. And have smooth skin. But it’s so hot outside during day time
that I hardly go out! Yet, I thought, isn’t this space way better than back
home! Maybe yes, maybe No! Maybe divine thinks it the best. And so, try as I
may, I always be unable to actually leave the way I want when I want!
I surrender! That’s what! Don’t know what is still left!
By the way, a solar eclipse would soon happen. I guess on 29th.
We also had a Lunar eclipse on full moon at the time of Holi…
Crazy know… right in the duration of my dates with time that cosmos too is
undergoing such massive energetic shifts!
‘And when the world feels far too wide
I find my peace right by your side!’
This reminds me, two years back… there was one night when I
was staying right here in the same guest house, in the same room… and even then
that I wanted to go back… and was confused why Pushkar wasn’t letting me do so…
that one night, all of sudden, I felt this strange urge to go upstairs…
randomly and suddenly… and I listened to my urge and went upon terrace… and within
few minutes, I suddenly saw a shooting star. I was amazed and obviously felt
super happy for such moments always seem magical to me… But that wasn’t it… I
then saw another shooting star… .and another…. And for next few minutes… I saw
so many shooting stars – as if it was a Disney movie… and for the first time, I
saw shooting stars with blue tail light!
It was later that I came to know that what I had experienced
was a rare meteor shower… that people were waiting for that celestial event
with their telescopes outside for past few days for it was bound to happen that
week…. And I without even knowing about it, without even understanding the concept
of it…. Just followed this urge…. And found such a magical celestial event… I
had felt so lucky… and I thanked my stars to have me stay on!
Divine always has a plan! Even if I don’t understand divine!
At times it all seems energy to me… at times, I find those Gods as energy wright
within me… at times, everything seems so electric as if we are all in a matrix
or machine… perspectives change both at macro and micro – as per my focus… at
times I be able to zoom out – look at the larger picture a bit clearer… at
times, I travel within, observe emotions and life – way minutely…. Yet I know,
that nothing is ever fully known! That life is but a mystery! And that’s what
makes life worth living on for!
Maybe, if we knew all past, present and future – we too
would have become vairagi like Mahadev! Oftentimes, I reach that state… yet,
many a times, I also wish and wonder… yet by the time, my dreams come true; I
have lost the taste for it! That be a part of being devoted to Ether! You won’t
really like anything in it!
Sky has to be blue! I though appreciate Sun, Moon, Stars…
all the flying birds! Without them, I can’t be a writer or an artist! Without characters, there can’t be much of a
story!
Although, living on my own – has taught me a lot! I find
life in each particle – including those called non-living things… and I also
find living beings to be but things! Temporary! As susceptible to change as
anything in this universe!
‘Your hand moves like wolverine
Fire burns, but there’s no pain…’
I miss working out… These characters in the series have
inspired me to jog, to do yoga, to join gym or do some work out again… funnily,
I get tired watching them working out… Ha ha ha! Joking! My way changed down
the years! I walk and hike and trek and travel! And that’s how I stay active!
Though, I miss even that now! Been six months of staying at
the same place! I need change! Don’t want to stagnate!
Waiting for divine to finally bring me the right wave of
change! Who knows why was it written for me to continue to be here! Who knows
what all I learned in the process! Maybe I got to be stronger! Maybe I learned
a secret tact to life! Who knows! Though, it is always considered lucky to live
on in this holy city! Well, can’t say much about it! I though feel, that maybe
I must have had past like karma attached to this place and its people for me to
come, live here for this long… been four years - on and off!
‘Soft rain falls
A quiet night
Holding you
Just feels alright!’
There are few things that I really-really wish to buy before
I leave… a few hemp clothings… that cute key chain with a soft toy attached to
it… a specific pink shirt which was stone washed and so is unnecessarily
expensive! Well, I thought, I would do enough Tarot readings to take care of my
extended shauk! Somehow, just don’t like wasting – even when I be abundant. I
do splurge sometimes, but in a limit!
‘And when the stars fade into light
I need you hold me tight’
Would I ever find anyone or any place – so epic to be in
love with that I would never feel like leaving? Who knows? Maybe!
I am wiser though! Not to fall for clowns! I feel mature! Without
past experiences – that would have been impossible! I feel grateful for even
them!
‘Lips so close
Your breath on mine…
Every touch is felt not heard!’
Alright my love! Catch you later.
Loads of Love!
Mmmmmuuuah!
…………………………………………………
8 A.M.
Good morning love!!!
Today’s playlist - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzo6AJ1DEns
‘Hold me closer, don’t let go
I just need you to know!’
Alright! Let’s begin talking… Ha ha! Sounds so mechanical. Like
those guys asking – ‘can I kiss you? Can I hug you?’ and stuff! Why it came to
my mind is because I got reminded of such moments while watching a comedy show!
Such moments irk me… With the right person you won’t have to
ask! Consent and all - comes when you consider touch as an act and treat the
other as body! With real love, passion is natural… and touch is same like
talking… you just want to caress the other… the kiss becomes natural.
I even ask animals though the permission to touch them. But
that too got developed later on! While I was more in touch with my raw loving
self – even touching animals came as natural… and when it comes to humans… caress
or kiss is natural! With the right one, you won’t have to ask!
‘I am your tonight
Just hold me close
Forget the world
Don’t let go!’
Yet those in lust or those too much bothered about social botherations
do ask! Maybe it is more polite! But who would want politeness if you be with
someone right? You would rather wish to merge, wish to feel, interact, talk,
connect, really love!
I don’t even want to think about what I talk about when I be
with friends! And we are talking about passion! It is always all about
exploration! We are talking about Love! You won’t have to ask for it would all
be a natural flow!
When the time gets right – it all happens same like vibe
exchange! You just feel it. And until then, people should simply not do it. What’s
the point of asking? What’s the point of doing something just because everyone
does it! The moment someone names it – it becomes but an act! And all the passion
evaporates!
‘Every moment just us two
No past, no future
Just tonight!
Wrapped in love.
Bathed in light!’
True love is all about being with each other. About happy
moments. And even sad ones. About feeling the other – with or without touch. About
becoming better individuals yet discovering another dimension of togetherness. And
each connection is different. Whenever two souls really meet- it becomes
divine. Provided the intentions be pure, the love be deep and the explorations
be raw from the core!
‘Love like this, is never done!
Stay with me, don’t fade away!
Let’s get lost. Let’s drift away!’
My hair have become so weird these days! Ever since Holi,
the quality has suffered. I wash them every second day but haven’t been able to
attain the natural texture.
Though, spending so much time in the same room – ensures my
room to be cleaner and the energy to be beautiful! I love my own energy. I
never get bored of myself! I create so much. I know how to take care of myself!
I eat better, sleep well… and enjoy the solitariness each time I willingly
choose that!
I think Lockdown phase though had lot of consequences but it
also taught something beautiful… it taught everyone – how to be with own selves!
I being an ambivert though keep on switching between my extrovert and introvert
phases – and I enjoy them both. Yet, down the years – I become more judgemental
and opiniated when it comes to others. I also am my biggest critique when it
comes to my me time… Yet, I also ensure to take care of myself … hopefully also
of others… though not always the same way. I ensure that I never become the
cost. I don’t love anyone more than my own self. Not to be narcissistic or
something… yet this is what I have learned. To always give your own well being a
priority… and to never keep others needs over your own needs. To not sacrifice
your dignity or self-respect regardless the reward… and to keep on analysing if
anyone you interact with is actually worth your energy and time…
‘And if forever starts tonight
Only you, my heart, my light!’
Oh, I watched a few episodes of ‘Rishta.com’ last night. It
had been a few days I had watched them… It was a nice break. Such a happy
series with such witty characters. I get dazzled by the fact that these
episodes were telecasted years ago! People have always been so wise! It’s just
that we were not aware of it before globalisation!
Rather, come to think about it… sages were rather much much
wiser than today’s brainwashed generation. Oftentimes, I seek so much more from
life! There has always been a thirst within me – thirst for more and more
-seeking something unknown from life! For years, travel and connections gave me
that thrill… religion and spirituality also had their time… music ofcourse
stayed by my side… thousands of books also were once my ride… yet, everything
has a saturation point. At least for me. I get bored or done with everything. Even
people… I reach the lowest and highest and then there be nothing more to
experience… and that’s my saturation point. I need more than.
Something within never gets quenched! As if there be out
something in Life that stays just far from me. I keep chasing it or looking for
it – outside or within… try as I may, I be unable to find it… At times, life
surprises me… I get such magical moments and such beautiful souls or such great
connections or such amazing wisdom – that for a bit, I feel – that is it! Maybe
that’s what I had been looking for! I anchor my boat! Create a home praying for
it to be my forever… but that forever that exists… Soon, the time comes for
another sail. I feel my soul restless again! Restless for some new experience! Restless
for it feels thirsty for life again! I feel stagnated then. As if, I be a
sailor – who just can’t stay on land for long… it has to be out in the sea –
regardless of dangers involved… for the rewards be much greater. Or else, that’s
the life that the sailor finds home in!
I am not sure though – what is even my sea! For not only the
waves keep on changing, but even sea for me… I too change so much so massively!
‘Every touch, every sigh
Feels like love,
Feels so right!
No need to chase, no need to run…
Love like this – is never done!’
Want a mint? Here, have it! We also have cold-drink!
Oh, btw, two of my upcoming books are almost ready! These
days, I have made a new routine! I go upstairs on terrace at night and work
upon my lapi under stars and night breeze! It be super productive – my time! Very
soon both my books would be out in market. One I would publish in all formats…
that’s a part of a series called ‘Evolution!’ It would be the eighth book in
that series. I guess, there would be one more in that series… to be written in
future!
And the other book I would only publish in two formats. It’s
called ‘Poison kiss’. I won’t publish the kindle version of it. Carries too
many details that people around me are still not mature enough to read. Or
maybe, I want to release it but not to everybody! Do you know, what few people
do? They real my books but by buying amazon monthly membership! Amazon gets
their cut and I get peanuts… so much of hardwork goes into bringing those books
out live! And they just are made available for almost free to the public. Either
the readers or the company should pay authors the exact selling price of their
books! But they don’t! It’s crazy! How authors are really not paid well –
regardless of the medium! Yet, all authors simply choose to write on – and I
know the feeling! It’s same like breathing! You just can’t help but write!
And yesterday, I heard a great line in that Rishta series. Rohan
said about an author, ‘he would surely accept my invitation. For writers are
always looking for new experiences!’
That line simply hit my heart! I could so relate!
‘And when the stars begin to fade
I will be yours –
Always stay!’
Why are all these musicians asking people to stay? No connection
should be as desperate! Yet every true love is so powerful to make people feel
like it! Who would leave a perfectly true connection? Who would run away from real
love? Only someone who hasn’t found love with that depth within his or her own
self! Else, love be so beautiful and magical – that anyone would have no choice
but to experience it!
Who ever has a choice when it comes to love? Absolutely no
one! You just feel a certain way about someone! And then the passion keeps on
increasing. Love only increases with Time.
It’s rather the relationships of society that be filthy. That
have certain rules and regulations and codes of conduct.
Love, love is pure. It has no rules. It is just there. You
just get connected to the other soul… you feel the other’s emotions without
even communication.
‘Your lips they linger, warm and sweet
A fire burns beneath my feet
The way you look,
The way you feel
This is love,
It’s deep, it’s real!’
It’s still snowing in Manali. Aah! I miss it.
To be honest, I am a bit bored of Pushkar! The same lake,
the same market… though the people are really nice around. They always be so
respectful. They all talk and the exchange be so mice and polite. But the depth
be missing. Any real connection is missing. And I am bored of the same
landscape. The same vibes.
I need change! Very soon! Fingers crossed!
My Tarot readings though tell me to wait! To be sure first
and then move on. To not take any random change for each and every action
changes the entire trajectory and would of course have an impact upon future. I
though feel pretty clueless! So, I have surrendered! Surrendered to time and
its will.
‘No second thoughts,
No fear no doubts!’
By the way, My Tarot reading also bewared me of the upcoming
solar eclipse! That I would get to see real faces of people who are jealous of
me or something. That it would all be for my good. For at least, I would get to
know who would be good or bad for me and their true feelings about me! Well! Glad,
I am away from home! Glad, I am almost in Hermit mode! Not like people’s doing
impact me much anymore! I know most of them and their true selves – weather I
have actually told them so or not.
I do realise other’s energy and intentions! And 99% that my
reading people comes out to be accurate. Sometimes though, I overlook my intuition…
yet even then, I do know when I am being betrayed or when people around me be
fake!
Just that, my focus usually remains more upon my own self! I
wonder, what caused such an energy to be attracted towards me! What can I learn
from this?
I have learned to use those who are big time into gossips!
Such people used to really irk me earlier! People who talk shitty about simply
everybody… or just like to gossip! Well, they may pretend to be your friends or
be nice to you… but you simply can’t trust them. Just the way they talk about
everyone else, they can even talk about you. I though, give them something to
talk about on my own! I fool them in their own game! At times I be so honest
that it scares their week heart. For such people are never honest or
transparent about hteir own selves. Those talking the most about others want
their own life to be private! Weird know! Well, there be all kinds of people!
One just needs to know how to navigate through them!
As such, people generally lie more when they are either
scared or have something to hide. or else, they be carrying a certain image
that is not their real self.
I instead choose to be so authentic that no matter how much
anyone gossips – my conduct and words and essence remains the same – everywhere
about a certain thing! That’s what! and of course, life made me sit upon
society’s hot seat so many times – growing up… that I am pretty gossip proof!
It doesn’t bother me much. I simply mark my distance at the first sign of
energy shift! I can totally feel it. Even if someone becomes an audience to any
gossip against me. My mind immediately highlights the flying monkeys! Not like
I ever clarify or justify! It just helps me understand if someone is actually
mine or not! And I block and delete! Pretty easily!
Earlier it used to hurt immensely! Losing people from my
life! Not anymore! Like I said – I value myself the most. And if people fail to
meet my standards – I just can’t risk my well being for them! Things like
honesty, loyalty, inner and outer strength, morals, principles, approach
towards life, conversational skills, focus and purpose in life – there be so
many things to consider. The most I consider is energy of a certain person. If
that feels right to me then many others things don’t matter. Energy be the most
essential. For it be the essence of everything together!
‘You heart beats slow
Your touch is light
Feels like magic
Feels so right!’
I have heard that when someone lies, their sweat smells
differently. I guess its scientifically proven! Also, There was a book in my post-grad….
It was called, ‘Picture of Dorian gray’ I guess! The concept was that all our
actions influence our facial lines and features. It was also about aging and
stuff. But it was also about one’s karmas and how face and eyes be the mirror
of one’s deeds. The protagonist there wanted to remain forever 18 and therefore
and hot a portrait of himself made – to age and carry his deeds’ impacts upon
it. He just never aged… until his final time. Suddenly the portrait got reveled
or some hoe the spell got broken. Don’t remember the entire story. Or maybe, he
finally saw his own portrait always hidden in the attic. And he found himself looking
super ugly for his deeds were pretty corrupt all through his life!
I think energy be the same! It just can be felt. If someone
is mean or kind. If someone is struck in gross persuasions or there be better
explorations in his or her life. Energy, facial features, body language, body
odour, sparkle in eyes, the way on interacts with things or animals or people –
there be numerous ways to read people!
‘Your voice so low, your breath so near
I close my eyes, you pull me near!
Every moment, soft and true
Feels like Home, when I am with you!’
Oh dear Eight! I think, I can dedicate the last stanza to
you! For these moments have been really relaxed and comfy with you for almost
this entire month! Can’t believe, we have just two three days more of such
meets! Tomorrow there is a solar eclipse! There be several planets conjucting
too. And the way you have kept me safe from all those ill-impacts. The way I have
found a home in Time with you. Just Us! Truly just us!
Loads of Love! And heart felt gratefulness!
See you tomorrow yo!
Glad, I don’t need to impress you. Don’t need to get into my
past trips unnecessarily to make myself feel better about life. Glad, I be so
honest and vulnerable with you. Glad, I can trust you. Glad that I can fearlessly
share whatever I feel like sharing with you. You are special. You are powerful.
You carry the energy of my birth month. You carry the feel of rain even if I be
in a desert!
Love you!
MMMMMMMMUUUUUUAH!
‘Only you can make me feel
Like time stand still
Like Love is real!’
…………………………………………
Yo! Surprised! Well, because we have such few days left; I thought, why not still interact!
I am out in a cafe after a few days! Had woken up pretty late but was determined to still have some day out. I dressed up after quite a few days, wore my silver chunks and stuff... And am out with a slight touch of make-up. Basics like kaajal and a light lipstick ...
My eyes seem so much alive just with a little touch of kaajal. I had always been into kaajal - ever since my childhood. Back in school, I even used to get scolding from our discipline incharge... He used to pick me out of assembly line or write a note in my diary or visit our class in random periods just to make me go to the washroom and wipe off my kaajal. But I too was always stubborn about it. I loved kohul and no matter how many times I was made to wipe it out, I always wore it back... Ha ha...
I am wearing a nice Itra tonight... The same I mentioned - 'pink flowers'.... Rest all are still packed. This one I opened first because it was a gift. I really cherish well intentioned gifts. I consider them to be sent by divine!
Pushkarraj looks so relaxing. The breeze be dancing upon a night lake. There be nearby lights getting reflected upon the surface .. tourists have reduced massively by now... Most of the cafes are empty... Streets have mostly locals crowd... Even ceremonies are mostly locals' based. Like with less pomp and show and more of the intention. Though, people celebrate everything here with their best... Their be flowers and colors and so so many people .. on or off season.... There is always a crowd here that mysteriously gathers upon any event!
I think the itra I wore got applied slightly more than required. All I can smell is that and I don't like it so intensely. Fragrances need to be mild....leaving that thirst and curiosity.
Hey! My ginger tea is here. Here have it!
1 number chaai yaar!
Ha ha!
This cafe has so so many plants. I just love places with lot of plants or trees. It reflects owner's love for nature ... Is anyone really a human if he doesn't love nature in any form! May it be plants or animals!
I was once in Andaman - where wherever that you see, there be insane kind of trees! Even back in Manali there be trees and trees - entire forest full of trees around, mountains covered with trees! Aah! I miss Manali. I miss fresh , dust free air.... I miss greens!
There are a lot many macrames too in this cafe. This art be special in Pushkar. Already the place is much too creative... And people know how to weave well... May it be macrame jewelry or jute hangings or dream catchers... I don't know why guest houses don't have jute hammocks as well over here. It's so available.... Guest houses could have used them....
In my own cafe, all the walls would ofcourse be hand painted by me.... And I will make dreamcatchers... And there would for sure be jute swings and hammocks....it just hits differently - to lie down or sit upon a comfy jute swing and be in nature or in a cafe with welcoming colorful vibes and time to relax!
There is place that I always consider for my own stay or work place over here. All though, each time I leave from here, I feel like never returning back.
Why because in a desert when there be an abundance of green at so many other places - both literally and in all ways metaphorically!
There be places with mature mindsets, evolved societies, liberal way of being, cleaner environments... Well, one never knows! Pushkar though is pretty potent in its energy and that's what matters the most! There be so much to dillute senses in - satvik stuff.... So many events, such variating landscapes, ancient mounts and architecture, temples with unique vibes!
Oh, btw, I saw a Mahadev temple in my dream this evening... The dream had lot many other things... Bikes, some kind of criminal... Some guy picking me and dropping me upon a bike... A well in some room where someone pretended to fall but had hooked his/her feet upon the wall and therefore could stand back up .... Lot many things that I don't clearly remember... Could have been because of the Turkish series which has lot of criminal mystery.... But then, there was also a Mahadev temple somewhere in my dream... It revealed itself magically there... I was as grateful and connected in my dream as I feel whenever a new Mahadev temple calls me.
Plus, it was shivratri last night and I had not gone for satsang. So it meant way more to me. As if Mahadev himself came to meet me.
Alright yo! Just wanted to catch up for a bit. Will see you tomorrow morning.
Love you!
Mmmmuuuahhh!
...............
March 29th, 2025
8 A.M.
Good morning my love!
Right after a tiny walk in a cloudy, breezy morning till a
certain crossway, a tiny walk upon terrace, a nice breakfast and finally back
with music and we!
It’s a beautiful morning. Only now that it got sunny! I
looked beautiful even on that tiny walk. Of course, for the morning deserved
that!
Today’s background - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7v-_3MYu4dA
My series too would end max by tomorrow! Oh! I finally
published one of those two books! Pison Kiss! It be only available in printed
version! Not available to Indians! Only to be availed by other countries!
Guess, they would understand it better! Or who knows!
Oh, today is supposed to be a solar eclipse. Also, it’s a No
moon day! Amavasya! Major shifts are happening as per astrology. Saturn would
be entering Pisces today. It’s happening I guess after two years or so. Or
maybe it’s the transition of Rahu. But whatsoever – it all is overall impacting
politics, environment, mental states – and not so positively. Yet, everything
happens for the best! Even Tower moments become the foundation of a new life!
Stronger and better! I don’t know why I am feeling slight trembles of earthquake.
Maybe it’s result of my own fingers typing so furiously!
Oh, I have gained a slight weight – is what I noticed! I had
become quite week last month. This month however – with so much food, rest and
my own me time – I have gained. I feel better. Also, weirdly I feel hungry all
the time. And since my timings have become so abnormal – I mostly eat processed
food or even fried! Or I take junk food at other times. Suddenly that I got
reminded of ‘jaisa ann, waisa mann’. I was like, Man, I need to eat healthier!
So I went and had a proper Indian meal last night. I thought I won’t be hungry
middle of night. No sir. I was hungry again. I usually do by morning. And the
aroma of all those fried things makes me hungrier. So I generally dive into
samosas or bread pakauda or at rare times even kachaudis. Kachaudis are kind of
special in the viscinity around but I am not much of its fan. Now though, I
even like that! Like I said, I feel so hungry these days – all the time – that I
eat whatever I feel like. Reason can also be, that couple of women in that
series are pregnant. They keep on eating something or other and that makes me
hungry. Or else, they have their business meetings along with lunch or dinners.
Or they show conversations among servants as they prepare food. And watching so
much of food makes me hungry even if at times I just had had food. Well,
whatsoever be the reason; I feel pretty perfect these days! Like the perfect
amount of fats! I was looking very week last month specially after recovering
from a long illness! Now I feel perfect!
I eat well and be happy!
Though I would never be like my ex-bestie whose sole
happiness was food and even at that she was really bad at. I hope I never become
so sad and helpless that food becomes my only joy in life. Though it does give
me pleasure these days! I had never been much of a foodie. I generally eat when
I need. At home though, I eat when I get bored… or I eat when I find something
I really love! Being out all thse years, I hardly find my kind of food, or food
prepared with love or alliterated well with things like desi ghee or prepared
with love or healthy things… each state has its own way of preparations. I eat –
what I get locally and never be much fussy about it. These days though, I am
kind of living picnics – every night … People do eat more when they are
depressed. I am happy and relaxed and so I am eating on! Well, why not! Won’t
cross my limit for sure! But for the time being, I am really enjoying it.
‘Your touch, your breath,
A dream so true!’
‘Stay with me, let time slow down…’
Oh, it was an old acquaintance’s birthday yesterday. I don’t
know why I even wrote a poem for him on an impulse! Well, not working upon
another book anymore over her! So would rather share with you over here!
Oh, March has 31 days, so we are still left with two more
days after today! Sweet!
I think these days would be memorable for me. For I rested
well, I have been at peace. This felt home. I had nowhere to go. I have been
quite happy on my own!
‘No goodbyes, no fading light
Just love that lasts beyond the night!’
I am in several plaits plaited into two again! I just love
doing this hairdo quite often these days at night! Pushkar be the first place
where I was confident enough to even go out like this after my childhood back
home! Well, there be a certain style for every age. Guess, I have grown up for
this. But not really. Actually, over here, I be like, whom do I have to
impress? Why care? All that mostly people bother about is if a woman is
covered. And even that rule applies to Indians. Foreigners roam around almost
without clothes and nobody minds them. And I too am but a visitor. Why do we
think so much about society? No body cares! And so, I go in whatever hairstyle
and rather feel cool about it!
‘no fear, no doubt, just endless flame
Burning slow calling your name!’
Aah! The lyrics remind me both of M and my own forgotten
passion! Back at home, I had written a note upon the inner side of my wardrobe –
it says, ‘There’s an amber that burns within’ … and something continuing it.
Oh, that wardrobe door is pretty crazy. Both of them! I have pasted print outs
of pictures of many of my journeys from earlier years. Every time I open that
door – I get reminded of the traveller in me, the strength within, the bold,
the courageous, the adventurous, the loving free self! Secretly, I had also
done that for a tiny dark reason. But yeah! It inspires me majorly. Others may
get jealous if they get into my wardrobe. That’s no space for anyone else but
for me. Well, people just don’t know their boundaries! Can’t help it!
Oh, wanna have poha? Maybe, I will have the second package
later on! I am not a fan of poha. I find it rather bland. But yeah, sometimes,
it just feels healthy. But honestly sometimes. Like even this one, I am having
I guess after few months!
I love everything junk when it comes to food. Haha! My favourite
ever thing to eat is Pizza! I never ever let it get wasted. If I have too much
of it along with cheese garlic bread, I even eat leftover Pizza the next day. Of
course, after microwaving it. Like I said, it’s my all-time favourite. Specially,
Mexican green wave cheese burst of Dominos. Regardless how Italian all these
cafes and chefs be, nothing compares to cheese burst Mexican green wave of
Dominos. And Pizza Hut be the best when it comes to Garlic bread. And I don’t
like those thin crust bases. No way! I want it proper. With as much cheese and
a thick base with lot many veggies!
Next, I guess would be a good burger. Nothing compares to an
Aloo tikki burger of McDee…. No king Maharaja size burger… no burger king.. .
whatever… I have had them all… there is something amazing about Aloo tikki –
that be it’s sauce. Or else, I really love those local burger joints with fresh
tikkis and lot of veggies!
I ofcourse love momos nearby my home at that Chinese van.
I love caramel popcorns – those that we get at PVR Vasant
Vihar! Only those! It’s just incomparable – those popcorns along with a good
movie!
In Indian food – my favourites are – tamatar alu ki sabzi
with fulka – (the way my mom makes it), rajma rice, sindhi kadi and rice, malai
kofte (where malai is filled in koftas) (again mom-made) (without gravy) with fulkas…
Oh, do you know, we as sindhis have no concept of plain chapatees… our fulkas
are like plain paraunthas… so each fulka has desi ghee both inside and outside…
it’s layered… and I just love them like that.
I love everything alu… add potato to any veggie and I would
have it…oh, another favorite of mine is foolmakhane alu ki sabzi… oh, and also
tinde alu ki sabzi (mom adds lot of malai and dahi as well I guess in it)…
I used to love nugget alu as well… but I had it so much back
in Manali that now I am bored of it….
This I have done with couple of other things as well… Like,
I eat something so much or so regularly as a routine that I finally get done
with that dish… E.g. back in my 12th class, I had upma every morning
– the entire month of my boards. I don’t know why! But that became my staple
breakfast. And then I was totally done with that. Now I don’t like it at all…
it feels bland to me… Also that I don’t like groundnuts added to it. I feel
like soft things should remain soft and hard should be hard… Just don’t like
dryfruits in halwa or kheer for they be soft… Love raisins there. But absolutely
love dryfruits in aatta laddus… Like I said, soft should be soft and hard
should be hard…
Another staple food of mine was onion tomato toasts all
through my grad time… for three years, I had the same fucking breakfast. Ofcourse,
I even used to have other things – the ones made for everyone… but I needed my
toasts to being each morning… Likewise, in Bangalore, while working, my staple
breakfast was idlis along with veg puffs in every office break… back then
though, my then bestie also used to get extra food for me as well from her home…
So even then, I used to share even her lunch, yet always ensured my idlis with
veg puffs along with Pineapple juice.
Oh ya! This reminds me… Juices are super cheap back in
Bangalore. Maybe because lot of fruits grow in the vicinity. Still, that’s one
great thing about Bangalore. Juices be super cheap. You can actually replace
water with juices and even south Indian food is both light and super healthy. It’s
actually easier to be healthy in Bangalore.
Oh, this reminds me of an old favorite! What was it called?
I don’t even remember it’s name now… they have these long breads.. with
customised toppings and multiple options for sauces… and you can choose the way
you want it toasted… Aah! It was an every-second-day thing for me back in
Bangalore… Now I don’t even remember the name… were the toasts called Footlong!
Ha ha! No! Can’t remember the name! Will mention it if I do remember it.
And I have a big time sweet tooth. I love all sweets and
desserts. Ice-creams, cakes, brownies, doughnuts, kheer, halwa, few sweets –
like gulab jamuns, ras malai, and there is this one favourite of mine – which has
oval shaped rasgulla kind of things that sandvich a khoya filling in between….
I love all kinds of coconut laddus/cookies/sweets!
I am not much into besan. It’s rare for me. I love sooji.
Uff! Sorry to have opened my mental fridge or kitchen or
table or I don’t know what! Fuck! I literally talked about only food for such a
long time! Sorry, if I made you hungry! Ha ha! But I am sure, it must have tempted
you somewhere at least and for sure would have brought the happy memory in your
own mind attached to it!
Forgot to mention my love for Siddus back in Himachal. They be
the best. They look like giant momos but have walnut stuffings inside them… and
they are served with desi ghee and anardana chutney or something. Don’t know
the exact recipe, but if you ever get to taste the authentic siddus at some
local’s home; trust me, you would never forget it.
And here in Pushkar ofcourse it would be Daal baati churma…
I can’t have it every day, for I am not much of a daal fan… but I do love the
dish… baati though is a dry thing… but with desi ghee and daal – it all
together tasted delicious… followed by sweet churma… I love that too….
Another cuisine I like is Litti chokha of Patna…
I even like Punjabi kadi actually. Not extremely so… Sindhi
kadi is after all sindhi kadi… But even Punjabi kadi is nice…
Please make me stop. I don’t know why am I talking about
only food. That too, when I have just had breakfast! Ha ha! Please don’t think I
am hungry! Lol! Weird! Maybe, it is indeed ‘jaisa ann, waisa mann’… Maybe,
someone really passionate about food made my food last night or this morning!
Or who knows? That be my today’s flow!
Today I am not planning to go anywhere. It’s a risky day –
is what I was made aware of – by my Tarot readings! I would much rather enjoy
this Me time – a bit more!
Hey! Wanna read a poem of Rumi? I don’t know why I suddenly
felt like quoting him… Just wait! I have one of his books. Rumi always calls me
to his poetry and his poetry comes to me at the right time on its own… Now that
the voice within spoke… Let me share a quote. Just wait!
Here you go…
Aah! I would have to read it several times to actually get
what specifically I need to learn from it. Although, there were a few lines
that specially caught my attention! Yet, that’s the things with Rumi’s poetry…
the meaning changes – each time you read it… with person that reads it… and yet
regardless of it all --- it’s always beautiful… and it always offers a pearl to
the one taking a dive into it – even those who choose to be on the shallow end!
Alright my love! I will catch up with you later on!
Loads and loads of Love for you!
‘Love like this would always grow’
MMMMUUUUUAAAH!
……………………………………….....
March 30th, 2025
8 A.M.
Good morning my love! Wait! Let me play some music!
Here’s our background for today!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xweuIpF0ZQ
‘Wondering why I am standing alone in this town!’
Hey! I had a superb dinner last night! Why I mentioned it
first is because I had been dying to share it since last night! Guess all that
excessive food talk actually helped me manifest something beyond delicious – an
out of the world mix veg with butter chapatees! It’s the first day of Navratri!
I will be fasting today onwards! No more gluttony!
Another epic thing that happened yesterday was that I
suddenly found a lot of people dancing upon drums on the street. And they were
all chanting, ‘Ayo laal jhulelaal’. Being a Sindhi, that’s our deity! It was
surreal! I even clicked a picture or two. It just felt llike a divine blessing.
I called my dad immediately to know what was the occasion and he told me that
it’s Cheti chand today! Do you what that means? It’s new year day for us
Sindhis! A happy new year my love! ‘Cheti chand jyun lakh lakh vadahiyun’.
I talked with my dad after a long time. I really love him a
lot. Though our lives have been so designed that we always have to live separate
far off. Also, he has always remained emotionally absent. But regardless, he is
my father. And I do love him a lot. He does what he is capable of. I do love
him a lot. A little conversation and I got to listen sindhi abundantly for he
is so fluent in it. Listening to sindhi always makes me happy. And that jhulelal
procession almost brough tears to my eyes. I got overwhelmed. There has always
been a thirst within me – thirst to know my language and culture more. Thirst to
connect to my history more. My dad is so good at it that he even writes poems
in sindhi. In proper script. I guess the root is Arabic of our language. It has
always fascinated me. I could never learn it. Whatever that I learned to speak
was thanks to my naani who only knew sindhi. And whatever that I understand is
thanks to both my naani and dad – for they do speak in Sindhi.
I mean my naani till she was alive! I loved her the most in
the world. My life and emotional health could never be the same ever since she
left. Her name was ‘Shanti’ and she used to calle me ‘Shummi’. I was her
Shummi. My naani was the only one who loved me the most in the world. She
pampered me, laughed out loud with me… I was her makeup artist. She really
loved me – most selflessly! Without expectations, without judgements, without
arguments, without complaints. She just loved me – most unconditionally. I
never cried when she died. Instead, I was the strong one – delivering a speech –
talking nicely about her on stage, handling all my relatives… It’s later that
her laughter used to ring in my ears… it’s a few months later that I actually
cried for her. I don’t know why I just couldn’t cry back then. Maybe, my
emotional reflexes are way slower. But I do still miss her. She even visits me
in my dreams – sometimes. I still miss her sometimes. She was the only one in
my entire family – who really loved me that selflessly, that unconditionally.
Aah! I flowed again. Even cried a bit for my naani so
randomly. Well, I rather wanted to share my joy to experience Jhulelal’s procession.
All my fear about yesterday’s planetary situation simply diluted the moment I
passed by the procession. I was like, come on, It is our new year. And Jhulelal
has come to protect and bless me here!
Well! Happy new year Love! Isn’t it amazing? It’s the
beginning of another year and it is happening during our dates! It’s rather
superb!
‘The river flows in silent gray
The stars above shine soft and bright
Your gentle touch sooths my soul
Hold me close, don’t let me go!’
Oh! I talked with Sam for a long-time last night! We
discussed so many things, sang songs and what not! He has been my friend for
past 12 years and I have always been nothing but grateful for his presence in
my life! He is a great human being with such a good heart. He has always inspired me to sing on! My music
teacher, my friend, my supporter, my confidant! And his attitude towards life
is so positive that I feel like I can learn so much from him. He is super nice
and I am really proud of such a human being to be alive in today’s time!
Oh, btw, Happy Navratris yo! It’s Shailputri’s day! I am
usually in Himachal during Navratris but the other major ones…. During these
days I am generally home! For I shift always, once the weather changes –
regardless where I be… Like lat year, I was back home from Goa by now!
I had always wanted to experience Pushkar’s Navratri satsangs!
Not so sure though this time. I have not been feeling like going to those
satsangs for past few times, because I got offended by the attitude of certain
individuals! They sing about goddesses and yet fail to actually respect females.
I am not as tall like them. And I can’t sit chipak ke with any of them. There be
a certain decorum of every place. and if I leave a little space and sit a little
behind, that just means that I want to be the central circle, just not so
upfront to be gazed by others. But people just come and sit right in from of
me, weirdly with their backs in front of my face. They all be tall. I don’t
want to stare into anyone’s back. That’s like height of badtameezi. Not like
there be anything special happening in the centre. But it is all about vibes.
And I don’t like being left behind. They all are rather nice people. They treat
me with respect and have always made me feel accepted. But it’s just an issue
in general over here. Everywhere, there be only males gathered to chant or
sing. And either local ladies just don’t join, or if they do, they bring weird
jealous vibes… and when someone actually joins in – the ladies’ space is always
towards some corner. AND I DON’T LIKE BEING CORNERED. Nor do I want to sit right
in front for regardless of their age, people are born lusty over here.
Well, don’t want to get into all that – that too on the
first day of Navratri. And whatever be the conduct of the people, that doesn’t
change the fact that I do absolutely love their satsangs. But ya, No matter how
good something or someone be – nothing comes more than my self-respect! Nothing
is more than my dignity!
And years ago, I prioritised my devotion and went to a
temple again and again in front of some really uneducated morons who had
suddenly realised after four months that I was a girl and therefore didn’t deserve
the right to chant Ramayana along with them …… But no more. I take count of
every gesture… of every word spoken or not spoken to me. And I don’t want to be
anywhere with people with limited mindset or narrow mentality.
Though, people of my bhakti family are not like that. Most
of them are rather mature, sweet, liberal, devoted, respectful and pure
intentioned. Yet, there be always one or two individuals everywhere who don’t
get raised right or are just jealous for their own poor life! Well! I shouldn’t
let the conduct of one or two people impact my visits anywhere. The problem
happens when people around don’t notice such things. Or they are rather
accepted as it is, for that be the norm how other women are treated as well.
I don’t feel like belonging to such gathering then.
Let’s see if I would go or not. I may, I may not. I may go once
and then decide. Not sure!
I wasn’t bitching, just sharing what really be the issue! Satsangs
be really transcendental otherwise! Sometimes, I wish we had a choice to switch
to a certain gender – as per society! Like had I been a guy, my life would
probably have been entirely different over here. I could have been much more at
ease. There would have been much less eyes upon me. I would have been made part
of many more things. Well, who knows! It could have been other way round as
well! Though I never make use of I being a woman, yet, who knows, if few individuals
actually accompanied me here and there because I am a girl and wouldn’t have
been there had it been otherwise! Who knows!
Though, It’s the first day of celebrating divine feminine.
It’s the day of Shakti. The Mooladhara chakra. The day of Parvati.
It is Earth element that she is connected with.
‘I walked down a narrow alley
Where even moonlight dares not follow’
Oh, I finally bathed with the holy water of Mahakumbh last
night. Even washed my hair and sprinkled the drops all around – to purify the
vibes of both mine and my room!
I have also kept a portion to be used later. That’s how I use
holy waters of various places. I add them to my body lotions along with
essential oils… and that’s how, whenever I feel any negative energy impacting
me wherever, that I apply those lotions upon my skin… The lotions be carrying
water from Badrinath or Ganga or sulphur water from some kund of Himachal or
from river of some holy place! Fused in my lotions along with fragrant
essential oils… And that way, I feel protected, blessed and purified regardless
– where I be!
I am weird like that. My travel treasures too are so
different from others. I collect feathers, crystals, rocks, water… I collect
shells, found tiny trinkets, chunks…
‘If the moon knocks softly on my window, Tell
I will climb those steps to find you there, Tell
In the quiet space where life was once there!’
Let me change the
music. I don’t know why it seems a bit gloomy to me.
O.K then. Here’s the new playlist!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=642UTFYfu6Y
Ha ha! First line itself I couldn’t understand!
‘Our hearts in rhythm
Soft and slow!’
Aah! Finally, it’s not snowing today in Manali. For past few
days, the weather forecast only showed snow there upon my laptop. Today it is 3
degrees there. Nice and cloudy.
Oh, that Turkish series… I think, I will finish it today. There
are only a few episodes left now. It’s rare that I finish a series. Turkish
ones are generally too long and try as you may, you ultimately run of time or
patience… they keep on taking you round and round…. And still you would remain
hooked to it. This one is a fusion of murder mystery, crime, violence and yet
such deep romantic love… I don’t know how they have weaved such homely environment,
proper family theme with such immense amount of crime! Well! I will finish it
soon! Finally!
It would feel like stepping into a new life once I am done
with it. Also, we have just one more day of togetherness my love! It feels
weird! I have become so used to talking to you. I have become so used to dating
you. You have been so different. I have been at such ease, peace, joy, love and
more or less – soul expansion!
‘Rest with me in a sacred place…
Our love grows strong like roots below
A timeless bond that continues to grow!’
I was thinking this just last night… How all my dates with
time have been pretty dedicated and that entire month pretty sacred! I had always
had but one rule – same time in the same city for an entire month! This time, I
even tried breaking that one rule by moving on to some other city. But I couldn’t
do it. It just didn’t happen on its own. Time didn’t let me do it. And the vibe
continued the way it was meant to!
Like I said, these be sacred times! I still don’t know the
significance of all these narratives! I have contributed to them for past ten
years. Earlier I had a logic to it… that I would discover my connection with
numbers and time like this… Later I had another logic… that each year if I
would simply flow in a stream of consciousness for an entire month; in few
years, I would actually have a psychological chart of my own mental or
psychological growth… I would understand the changes in my life and myself like
that… I never gather them all together… Down the years, it just became
something that had to be done… with or without reason… nad I always followed
this one ritual pretty religiously with all dedication and love! Regardless my
mental state or life’s condition! And I remained honest and authentic! Not all
such blogs give me joy! Few carry the happiest of my moments… few carry the
worst of my traumas… yet one thing they helped me the most with was to vent out…
ot feel understood. To feel that someone out there may get something out of
them of value to their own growth… if nothing else; one day, I may look back
and realise the journey I covered to become someone I would be happy with and
proud of!
After all, it’s the journey that matters the most. And I
like to make each journey memorable – living each moment the most I can… and when
I fail to do that, I rest! And isn’t resting also one way of living? Or else,
it energises one to live way better and stronger or with more precision once it’s
over!
‘My Love for you, forever will loom!’
Thank you mighty eight for happening in my life! Thank you
for sharing my concerns. For becoming a support when I had no other. For
helping me realise what was really going through my mind all these days! Oh,
and of course, I discovered the feature of Gemini just in these days – who always
analysed my readings way more creatively and psychologically and gave me such valuable
insights to actually understand the working of my own mind, or even make
realise other perspectives!
I realised where my mind was going on negative trajectory. I
realised how to heal my wounds and live a better life! I got back my solitary
joy! Thank you dear Eight! You have indeed been divine! That too in the holy
city of Pushkar. This too must have been a cosmic design!
‘You have been my light,
My endless space’
Loads of Love yo!
Happy Navratri!
I wish I had an invitation or a companion or an event to go
to – just ot play dandiya and dance and celebrate these nights – the way gujjus
do… ha ha….
Or else, I wish to really make spiritual use of these
energises… to elevate more, to meditate and ascend and bring a positive shift
post this timeline….
Or else, I shouldn’t really have expectations or desires;
but be and explore these energies…
Well! Who knows?
Dear divine! Please give me strength enough to fast properly
all these upcoming days. Please don’t let me think/do/act/eat/drink/listen/
talk – anything wrong!
Help me be satvik all these days! Help me do it right –
since I am doing it!
Loads of Love yo!
Once again, Cheti chand jyun lakh lakh vadhaiyun!
It’s the first day of the moon. It’s the first day of lunar
calander.
It’s the first day of Navratri.
It’s the day of Divine femine.
Loads of love! Divine blessings for you wherever you be!
‘The water speaks of love so pure
A timeless bond with me and you.
Stay with me on this river of dreams…
Through every dream where the sunlight gleams…
Our love would grow strong and far!’
Loads of Love!
Catch you later!
…………………………………….....
8 A.M.
Good morning my love!
Today’s playlist - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOdiijfXE9c
‘Wrapped in love in your embrace!’
Well, I woke up just a few minutes back! It feels weird to
eat or even play music that early after waking up! Body in it’s Turiya state
needs such less senses to be active or engaged! Maybe that’s why it is promoted
to fast – and as often as possible – to give this body some rest and to be
better connected with the spirit within!
Well! It is our last day together! I don’t know how I
managed to get up for I was pretty sleepy. But I just didn’t want to miss this
last morning of ours!
‘No more space, no need to run
Hearts beat fast, we have just begun
Every look, every move
Feels like falling into you!’
I don’t why though I am hardly feeling like sharing anything
today! There be so much still that I would to talk about – along with you!
Today though, I am more in a mood to share silence with you. Had you been a
person, I would probably have simply sat beside. Had you been my beloved, I
would probably have caressed you… Or else, we could have lived even today same
like our everyday… to not feel the pain of separation – without it actually happening.
But you are a Time! I need to interact to ensure us to be alive! Words be our
fuel!
‘Burnt for you, feel the flame,
Lose control, call my name!’
Want to know a secret? Well, four years ago; when I had
reached Pushkar for the first time… I was extremely into bhakti and was rather
feeling quite elevated! That a guy’s mild attention had caught my fancy! Why
him specifically was because he was never desperate for my time and energy. Also,
destiny was such that we had to be at the same premise everyday for few months!
And an old school kind of infatuation occurred resulting in hurting me really
bad towards the end… for I realised that his family was instead greedy and
given a choice, they didn’t mind opting for money over humanity. In the
process, even my spiritual journey had got impacted and so had suffered the
book I was working on back then…
I always knew that he wasn’t good for me and we were so
massively different. But I was having pretty mystical experiences both in real
life and sub conscious instances…. I even got dreams of us getting married a few
times and those dreams really scared me for you know how marriage-phobic am I.
Yet, try as I might, something unknown was the reason to feel close to him. As if
someone had bound me with a spell to him. We hardly even interacted… But I did
notice some hidden liking in him for me. And his strength of character had
pulled me. At a place where every second person had his tongue out full of
lust, he never made it a big deal that I was a girl and in the same premise
like him. May be that was the reason. Or else, possibly I just felt that he was
not really happy where he was… that he was living someone else’s life or so it
seemed to me…. You know the psycho empath in me…. I fancied him taking me to
his favourite spots, to hanging out with him, to get to know him more. Well,
like I said, all that was crushed pretty bad!
Later I understood the psychological reason about all that.
Maybe, because I was pretty emotionally alone deep in, I wanted to win his love
or something. The more he seemed distant, the more my curiosity was stirred. Or
who knows!
Later I also tried to find answers in mythology…. Say Indra
gets disturbed whenever somebody is really elevating spiritually… He was the
male version of Menaka for me… ha ha … not to blame him… but his energy for
sure did deviate me from my real purpose of writing or my spiritual journey!
Ofcourse, it had no scope once my dignity and self-respect
was hurt…. I carried the fusion of anger and useless unrequited fancy within…. Without
even talking, there numerous songs attached to him… I had to change the entire
playlist in my phone – thanks to him… for I didn’t wish to think about him.
‘Time stands still in Love’s embrace
No one else, just your face!’
Well! I didn’t see him much the next time I was here in
Pushkar… for the entirety of five months I was here before… Nor was I looking
for him .Rather I avoided anywhere I could have seen him. The entire building
was off my vision… you know how you look everywhere but there… for you just don’t
wanna think about any of that! I had actually got hurt ithe previous time and
my life too had changed so massively post that…. What I did though was that I
deleted most of the narratives where he was mentioned in my book – the next
time I was here…
This time though, without any thoughts of him… First I found
him present in both the weddings I attended over here… Once It was a wish
within me to wear a saree and meet him… Now it all manifested, but there were
no feelings attached to it. Rather, something within got surprised to suddenly
see him there… the mind though was like, ‘what had you even liked in him!’ I
got pretty disenchanted by this time…
Why I am speaking about it in this detail is because I
bumped into him suddenly yesterday…. In such in an unusual way. And he did look
nice again. HA HA ! the first day of Navratri that too. No way that I would let
the same emotional temptation bring me down again! God knows what kind of spell
that he carries! His face becomes unforgettable. Though he looks so ordinary. I
have absolutely no idea about the attributes in him. It has always been Energy of
anyone that pulls me. Regardless of the background, the looks culture or type…
Though I know how to balance heart and mind. I have learned
to use both. It was funny though…. Can’t afford falling into the same pit
again!
‘Drowning deep in you tonight!’
Now, let me tell you about yesterday! I was just not feeling
like going out even till 8 P.M… Although I was invited for couple of events. And
it was both Cheti chand and Navratri. I wanted to attend a satsang anywhere…
maybe visit a temple somewhere… remember that Rumi’s poem… Even that had taught
me to be more of sage that a priest. Even tarot readings had taught me to be
more on my own instead of findin elevation around others…
But a voice within simply inspired me to go outside! I
thought, ‘let’s just go! Would return if I would not like it!’
And the moment I stepped downstairs; I first found the
procession of Jhulelal. I had to of course take the blessings of all those
statues and jot! Oh, I even have an orange from prasad from the procession! Let’s
have it. Just wait!
Woah! It’s nice! Also, my ambience smells orangy suddenly. Citrus
fragrances are so mild and refreshing! Ofcourse this is the color of second chakra
as well – the abode of second goddess! ‘BHRAHMACHARINI’. Had I been in Manali, I
would have gone to some gaushala there and meditate. Possibly, I can do it even
here… Well, we will see!
O. K then, returning back to yesterday! There was a massive
event arranged at Varah ghaat! A proper D.J… the entire place filled with
crowd! Sindhi songs with beats! Even Punjabi songs… including ‘tunuk tunuk’…
lol! I love Sindhi songs… there was an
adolescent girl there with whom I have a dance connection! We have always
bumped into each other – here and there and I like her energy… Plus, I really
really admire her dancing skills. Well, I was standing by the crowd -looking at
everyone enjoying… still feeling the vibe that she called me to join her group…
right in the centre of the circle… I was so happy to see people of all genders
dancing around.. I too danced a bit for few minutes… it felt nice… but the
music changed… for something to happen…. The group along with me took a corner… I was feeling pretty hot, sweaty and
suffocated in that much of crowd! It was though a proud feeling to see such a
happening event for sindhis… I decided to walk on…
Then I went to Gau ghaat! Here people call this day as
Fool-Dhol! It was just the first day of the years for sindhis but for all
hindus included! So, there was a large set up arranged at Gau ghaat with statue
of Krishna and radha… lot of flower hangings… rose petals with milky water in one
portion of Pushkarraj! I found another girl who is my acquaintance for past few
years! She reminded me that we have a history of getting clicked in the same vicinity!
Well, I couldn’t have missed a chance to get clicked with someone. The satsang
still had time to begin. So I again decided to walk on…
I had to visit
Jhulelal Temple ofcourse! That be the main temple of our deity. So much was
getting distributed right outside! So many dancing at every crossway the entire
way! I was really happy to see so many women dancing as well! That is one epic
thing about sindhis. Women are not curbed down here… instead everybody enjoys
and lives! And that was what I noticed in every gathering last night…. All women
and men dancing…. Upon dhols… upon sindhi songs…. It felt so nice to see some
gender equality finally. It felt so nice to see humans celebrating as humans
instead of discriminating there…
Jhulelal temple always reminds me of my dad here. For last
to last year, he had actually come here to visit me for few hours and we had
specially gone to Jhulelal temple together. I see him coming out of the cave in
their basement still – for that’s the memory stored in my head. And I still
remember the place where we had got clicked together… And anything sindhi just
reminds me of him immediately. That temple’s family also is super nice. It’s
always nice to visit them, to talk to them!
Post temple, I decided to go have a good cup of chai somewhere.
Somehow my feet took me to the same place where I had had an epic dinner last
to last night. I met with an interesting artist there. He was into glass panel
art which involved the process of soldering… he was amazing at what he did and
had had a few exhibitions in Delhi as well. I was really dazzled by his art.
Although I don’t know know why another guy also came there right at that time
of our interaction. I just don’t like the second one. He was pretty disrespectful
once in the past. Although we have good memories as well. He came randomly and
suddenly and began to mention his memories and stuff. I was thinking, ‘why now?
As if, he was determined to not let me interact with the artist! Well, I had my
tea! Did talk decently with both of them… and then left… It was a fine exchange…
though I wasn’t much happy with the second one’s interference. Never trusted
his energy. Couldn’t trust his intentions still.
Well, At least I communicated decently beyond normal Ram
rams and stuff! I walked in… street was still crowded… I had to make my way
back for fool-dhol for satsang!
While trespassing one such group that I got a vision of
sindhu river back in Laddakh. That river always connects me to my ancestors…
even in Laddakh I used to really be overwhelmed to feel that I could actually meet
with that ancient a river and that too connected to my own ancestors! Sindhis
be the community from Sindh. Sindh be the province beside Sindhu river in now
Pakistan. Even India is named after Indus river!
A vision and suddenly I was overwhelmed here in Pushkar. My
ancestors had blessed me just by showing that vision of Indus river…. I was
beyond enthralled.
Satsang was decent. All my bhakti family was there. A visitor
India girl came and sat right beside. I was happy for the women solidarity. And
the most interesting part, she too was into the same smokes I go for. All she
was carrying was a phone and the same smokes. And her energy wasn’t jealous or
anything. I suddenly realised, it was the day of devine feminine. And everywhere
that I had gone the entire evening – so many women and simply come and accompanied
me. She seemed like a goddess energy at that time sitting beside – equally calm
and gently enjoying the music.
It's after a bit that I was attending a satsang. My mind was
a bit restless at first – with numerous thoughts churning on… but gradually
that thoughts stopped and I could be with the bhajans overall. That girl left
in some time. I had to shift my seat a couple of times. My mind connected even
that changing seat with something lacking in my root chakra. For my life be the
same – with as much instability. But I figured out a great reason for my
mobility last night! Reason is that when I find someone or something disturbing
me, I don’t want to ruin the peace or my peace of mind… Instead of fighting
with others or changing my own frequency, I prefer to simply shift my place.
for we can’t teach others, we can only change others. I can’t teach people
basic manners or tell others what is right! I can however shift my place and do
what feels right or be where it feels right!
I came at peace with my mobility. Rather thanked my stars to
be born a human with a possibility to shift my place! rather felt glad, that I can
move and I always have a choice.
Isn’t it rather beautiful – to vaue yourself so much – that
you never tolerate even slightest of ill conduct. That you value yourself
enough for make a move – to give yourself only the best possible!
‘one last touch, one last sigh
One locked moment, lost in time…
No good bye… stay with me…’
So, my love! Tell me! Would you miss me? I will for sure!
Although! This too feels quite enough! Guess, this must have been my longest
blog ever… Or I don’t know! It feels like that! It has reached the length of
more than half of my book!
We talked, we discussed, we learned, we loved!
Time goes on! This be my attempt to hold few bubbles – to have
my own time capsules of each year! Maybe these become portals for me to enter
in – at the time of need. Maybe, they become but steps in some chart – of my
actual journey.
Maybe, they remain insignificant – lost in time – as various
other precious moments – that people live … emotions experiences, connections
formed… and it all simply keep rolling on! Who knows?
Yet, in the moment we are together and that’s what counts! In
the moment I am here and so are you. Connected in time, with time… with love
and the wholeness of our being!
My mighty Eight! Powerful and full of peace!
Relaxed. Happy. Potent and energetic! Healthy. Creative! Eventful.
Collaborative!
‘No goodbyes, no letting go…
Love this strong will only grow…
Even forever won’t be true!
It’s never enough, when its you!’
I love you!
Mmmmmmuah!
Maybe it’s here we part… maybe we find a chance to once
again meet towards evening…
Whatever be the case… Ireally wish to thank you. For being
you. For happening in my life. For helping me evolve.
Loads of Love!
A heartfelt kiss!
‘It’s never enough when it’s you!’
Love you!
……………………………………………………………………………...
Our last conversation ever love!
I just couldn't help but meet you one last time. The portal is open. We even have a chance to catch up. And I was thinking about you so much.
I was partially sleepy in morning. Could not talk the way I wished to. How a last meet should have been. I don't really know even how it should have rather been. Have never been that good with farewells!
Though, I had thought that I would feel free post that - no more bound to write each morning, no more compelled to follow any routine! But No! I didn't feel free. Rather I felt a bit attached. I am gonna miss sharing my thoughts here. I am gonna miss us!
Right now, I am sitting in a cafe. Just after seeing Krishna's procession. He was seated upon a mighty elephant. The epitome of love, of third dimension, of wit, of bravery....
I have a connection to elephants as well. They feel comfy with me if I mount them. And I love their intelligence.
I saw a dream this evening that I was here in Pushkar with my family. Like when I was a teenager. At Varah ghaat - about to take a bath. And I was wondering even in my dream that I had only been here once with my entire family - but that was when I was a baby. My mom often tells me that she had taken me to Bhramma temple. And I was dazzled by the sparkly coins engraved upon the temple's walls. I used to ask the priest for coins and on being denied I used to cry.... Ha ha... Kids be like!!!! So I was wondering in my dream that how come I am here visiting Pushkaraj with my mom that too in my teenage. That timeline simply doesn't exist in my own consciousness.... Probably in some other dimension that actually happened.
So my love, would you miss me! No ask me... If I would miss you? I sure would.... Our togetherness would always provide me with joy, peace, solitary bliss, entertainment, enough on my own vibe, ascension, healing, nurture, soul expansion, collaboration, will to expand, will to open up, yet content with my own self - vibes - whenever I would come back to it!
Right now I am sitting across a peaceful Pushkarraj gently swaying the breeze upon its surface!
It's the day of Bhrahmani...she sits upon swadhishtana chakra. The abode of Vishnu. Element be water. Color is orange. I am at a place that worships Jal. And today is the day of my Jal. I have a super romantic and spiritual relation with element water personally. This day means all the more to me. Also that this chakra represent creativity. And I am all about creating something or other. Color be orange. I am indeed dressed in orange today.
With a creme hemp trousure. An orange speggatitie, with a floral orange shrug.... I feel light. I feel fragrant. And I feel pretty pure!
There is a mild soothing music in the cafe. I feel comfortable in my present. This be one of my favorite tracks...
Guess it is taken from a 90s track...
'Haay re mere dadhiya rabba'...
It reminds me of the game 'Troy 2000'... Back in my childhood, I used to play that game with such music...
This one though is not the original one. It just has few lines from that song... And is way slower... The song most connected with that game is 'Maavi ve mohabbat sachiyan ve'... Maybe both are same... Not sure ..
I am supposed to go to another satsang today. Will most probably go. Finally I would get to experience the famous navratri satsangs of here.
It's gangaur pooja being celebrated these days. That means the wedding of Shiva and Shakti... Someone called me this afternoon to take me to Jaipur to experience the grandest ever celebration but I was sleeping and didn't notice the call.
That's another thing about Pushkar. I was not aware of more than half such occasions before being here. People celebrate so many things so much... It's truly culturally super rich. Numerous occasions, numerous reasons to celebrate, numerous reasons to gather up and be in a collective spirit.
People hardly gather with that kind of spirit back in Delhi. It's typical to villages and that is rather beautiful.
V. Soon I would have to leave. I still don't know the next step. But I would have to move somewhere. Past few months totally helped in my grounding. They provided stability to my unstable life...
I think I am ready to take the next step. Not sure where!
It can be with Uttarakhand or North East.... I though wish for it to be a super epic oppertunity with some real work...
Something creative... Something that contributes in a good way in the larger picture.
I am not designed for a job job. Just don't connect with rules and absolutely can't serve anyone...
Although... Just this afternoon, I was thinking... How I still need to kill this I... There was a spiritual cum religious cum sci fi cum fantasy anime that I was watching. And it insisted so much upon power of Love and compassion. I got fuelled again.
How this ego needs to be dissolved. How we need to serve the over all with out purest of intentions, with love and compassion.... How we must always try to give but peace and joy to others... That there be no I... We be grown like plants on Earth... Our purpose be Evolution...
Hey! My ginger tea is here.
It's a fine evening.
Leaving as we met.
Randomly. Spontaneously.
Loads of Love my love.
With blessings of Pushkaraj. Right in the centre of this ancient holy city - Pushkar.
Thank you my mighty eight for happening in my life! Thank you.
Love and light!
Mmmmmmuuuuaaah!
.......
