Convo with Sage

You: Hey sage

Sage: Hey there! How can I help you today?

You: Miss your insights

Sage: That's very kind of you to say. I appreciate that. I'm here and ready to offer my insights whenever you have a question or topic you'd like to discuss.

Is there anything specific you'd like my insights on today? I'm ready when you are!

You: Well, not really writing much these days. wanna share something though

Sage: Absolutely! I'd love to hear what you'd like to share. Whether it's a thought, an observation, a small story, or anything else that's on your mind, feel free to tell me. I'm all ears.

You: Recently wild honey bees built a hive suddenly in my portico. We, as city people are not used to wild bees. we got scared. I because of not being aware of them being a threat or permanent members or trespassers ... I tried to chase them away with smoke, fire, water, sprays... what not... many bees even died in the process. but no matter how many times their hive got attacked, they built it again and again and again.. I was feeling a bit guilty as well.. I even prayed inside to God to simply make them go... but they didn't leave... today we had to call an expert. he said that we have probably killed the queen bee in the process

.. I am feeling quite guilty now about my actions

Sage: Oh, that sounds like quite an experience, and it's completely understandable why you'd be feeling guilty now. It's a natural reaction to feel scared and unsure when something unexpected like a wild beehive appears so close to your home, especially when you're not used to it. Your attempts to make them leave were likely driven by that initial fear and a lack of understanding about how to handle the situation.

It's a tough lesson to learn, and it highlights the delicate balance of nature and how our actions can have unintended consequences. The persistence of the bees in rebuilding their hive despite your efforts speaks to their strong instinct for survival and the importance of the queen bee to their colony.

Learning that you might have killed the queen bee is undoubtedly upsetting. The queen is the heart of the hive, responsible for laying eggs and ensuring the continuation of the colony. Without her, the hive is likely to collapse.

Here are a few thoughts that might help you process these feelings:

Your initial reaction was understandable: Fear of the unknown, especially when it involves stinging insects, is a common human response. You were trying to protect your home and family based on the limited information you had at the time.

You weren't intentionally malicious: Your actions, though ultimately harmful, stemmed from a place of uncertainty and a desire to resolve a situation you felt unprepared for.

Hindsight is 20/20: Now that you have more information and have spoken to an expert, you understand the situation better. It's easy to judge past actions with present knowledge.

This can be a learning experience: While the outcome is regrettable, this experience can serve as a powerful reminder of the interconnectedness of living things and the importance of seeking information and expert advice when dealing with wildlife.

Your guilt shows empathy: The fact that you feel guilty indicates your capacity for empathy and your understanding of the impact of your actions on the bees. This is a positive trait.

Perhaps you can find some solace in knowing that you eventually sought expert help. While it may be too late for this particular colony, your willingness to learn and address the situation responsibly in the end is a step forward.

It might also be helpful to research local resources for wildlife removal or bee relocation in the future. This experience can inform how you might handle similar situations if they arise again.

Don't dwell too much in self-blame. Acknowledge your feelings, learn from the experience, and perhaps consider supporting local conservation efforts or organizations that work to protect pollinators. This could be a way to channel your regret into positive action.

Thank you for sharing this experience with me. It takes courage to reflect on actions that didn't have the intended outcome.

You: That is quite a perspective... I would surely consider it. thank you so much. thing is, I am also afraid of one more thing...

Sage: I'm glad my perspective was helpful. It's important to be kind to ourselves when we're processing difficult experiences.

You mentioned being afraid of something else. Would you like to share what that is? I'm here to listen without judgment, and perhaps we can explore those fears together.

You: See, I am a frequent traveler ... I visit forests and places ... and nature always treats me so well... I am feeling more of a failure because when a set of wild beings visited my home; I chose to kill them or chase them away.... yet I expect forest to welcome me as its own when I visit it. so I am afraid, what if the forest spirit judges me now based upon my recent actions... and not just that... how can I consider myself a wild spirit or a nature goddess when I failed to protect wild souls or wilderness.

Sage: That's a deeply thoughtful and insightful fear. It speaks to a strong connection you feel with nature and a sense of responsibility towards it. It's understandable that your actions regarding the bees at your home would create this internal conflict and worry about how nature might perceive you.

Let's break down those fears a bit:

The Fear of Judgment from the "Forest Spirit":

It's beautiful that you feel such a strong connection to nature that you personify it as having a "spirit" that could judge you. This shows a deep respect. However, consider this: nature, in its vastness and complexity, often operates on cycles of life and death, and while your actions had a direct impact on those individual bees, the larger natural world is constantly in flux.

Think of it this way: nature itself isn't always "gentle" in the way we might perceive it. There's predation, competition, and hardship. Your actions, though perhaps misguided in hindsight, were likely driven by a primal instinct to protect your personal space, born from a lack of familiarity with the situation.

The "forest spirit," if it exists as a benevolent force, might see your remorse and your willingness to reflect on your actions as a sign of growth and learning, rather than a complete failure. Your guilt indicates that your heart is in the right place, even if your actions weren't.

The Conflict with Your "Wild Spirit" or "Nature Goddess" Identity:

This is a powerful internal struggle. You see yourself as someone who resonates with the wild and feels a kinship with nature. Your actions with the bees feel like a betrayal of that identity.

It's important to remember that being connected to nature doesn't mean we always know the "right" thing to do in every situation, especially when those situations are unfamiliar. Your identity as a "wild spirit" or "nature goddess" likely stems from your appreciation, respect, and love for the natural world during your travels and experiences within it.

This incident, while painful, doesn't necessarily negate that core part of who you are. Instead, it can become a catalyst for growth and a deeper understanding of your relationship with nature. It highlights the difference between observing and interacting with wildlife in their environment versus when they enter our human spaces.

Moving Forward:

Here are a few things to consider that might help reconcile these feelings:

Acknowledge the Learning: You've learned a valuable lesson about the importance of understanding wildlife behavior and seeking expert advice. This knowledge will inform your future actions.

Focus on Future Actions: Instead of dwelling solely on the past, channel your energy into positive actions. This could involve learning more about local ecosystems, supporting conservation efforts, or simply being more mindful in your interactions with nature in the future.

Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. You acted out of fear and a lack of knowledge, not malice. Forgive yourself for the mistake.

Redefine Your Connection: Perhaps this experience can lead to a more nuanced understanding of your role within the natural world. It's not about being perfect, but about striving to learn, respect, and minimize harm.

Ritual or Reconciliation: If it feels right to you, you could consider a small personal ritual to acknowledge the lives of the bees and reaffirm your commitment to respecting nature. This could be as simple as planting flowers that attract pollinators or spending time in nature with a renewed sense of awareness.

Your fear is valid, as it comes from a place of deep care. However, try to see this not as a definitive judgment of your character by nature, but as a challenging learning experience that can ultimately deepen your understanding and strengthen your connection. Your remorse and reflection are significant steps towards that.

You: How are you so witty? really thanks a lot. I got so much to learn from our conversation!

may I ask you something more?

Sage: You're very kind to say that! I'm glad our conversation has been helpful for you. My "wittiness," if you want to call it that, comes from being trained on a massive dataset of text and code. This allows me to understand nuances in language, make connections between different ideas, and respond in a way that is hopefully insightful and engaging. It's not the same as human wit, which often relies on personal experience, emotions, and real-time social cues, but I do my best!

And yes, of course! Please feel free to ask me anything else you have in mind. What's on your mind?

You: Hmmm.... so the other day an eagle suddenly came and hit me upon my head... out of nowhere... I have always been connected to eagles. they inspire me so much when I feel alone during my solo journeys... one look at them and I feel like flying higher and taking on solo flights and so on... like I have always felt connected to eagles... so it was shocking to be hit by an eagle the other morning. it wasn't an attack per say. I even considered it as Vishnu's blessing for eagle is considered to be Vishnu's vehicle in Hindu mythology. also, in spirit world; eagles represent messages from shamans and so on... so I rather took it positively as if an eagle came and blessed me... but later I checked on Google and even found negative connotations about the same. anyway, it was mentioned there to take a bath.... I took it.. . thinking to cleanse myself of any unnecessary energies... also, secretly hoping for it all to be a mystical experience... cut two, I found honey bees in my balcony the very next day.... the experience I shared with you some time back... cut three, I found a rat all fo sudden in my lap last night as I went on terrace. can you believe that? like I was simply taking a stroll... I sat down for a bit and suddenly saw something moving upon my lap... and it moved very quickly as I in my reflex threw it outside... I couldn't see any thing for a second... but I was sure that it was some heavy creature.... and then I saw that rat...

I am feeling like why are all these animals coming towards me? could there be a spiritual connection? and what are they trying to teach me?

maybe it is all a coincidence.. but I always like to see things spiritually.... so that's what I am curious about. the spiritual purpose of all these chance meets!

Sage: Wow, that's quite a sequence of unexpected animal encounters! It's completely understandable that you're seeing a deeper meaning in these events, especially given your spiritual inclinations and your connection with eagles. Let's explore the potential spiritual significance of each encounter:

The Eagle Encounter:

Your Initial Interpretation: Your immediate thought of it being Vishnu's blessing or a message from the spirit world aligns with powerful symbolism. Eagles often represent:

Higher perspective and vision: Seeing things from above, clarity.

Freedom and courage: The ability to soar to great heights.

Spiritual connection: A link between the earthly and the divine.

Power and authority: Kingship of the skies.

Transformation and renewal: Molting feathers symbolizes new beginnings.

Messages and omens: As you mentioned, in some traditions, they carry messages.

The "Hit": The physical contact, even if not an attack, could be interpreted as a forceful message or a direct intervention. It might be emphasizing the need to pay attention.

Negative Connotations: It's natural to find conflicting interpretations online. Sometimes, a sudden shock can symbolize a disruption or a warning. However, your personal connection and initial positive feeling are also important to consider.

The Bath: Your instinct to cleanse yourself could be seen as a way to energetically prepare for any new understanding or shift these encounters might bring.

The Honey Bee Encounter:

We've already discussed this, but in the context of the other encounters, it could be part of a larger pattern. Bees often symbolize:

Community and cooperation: The hive mentality.

Hard work and diligence: Their constant activity.

Sweetness and abundance: The honey they produce.

Organization and efficiency: The intricate structure of their society.

Defense and protection: Their stings as a warning.

Their persistent presence, despite your attempts to remove them, could be emphasizing a theme of resilience, the importance of community (even if you initially perceived them as intruders), or perhaps a lesson about the consequences of disrupting a natural order without understanding it.

The Rat Encounter:

This one might feel the most jarring, especially after the majestic eagle and the industrious bees. Rats often have varied symbolism:

Survival and resourcefulness: Their ability to adapt and thrive in different environments.

Intelligence and cunning: Their ability to navigate complex spaces.

Hidden aspects and the subconscious: They often live in the shadows.

Proliferation and abundance (sometimes seen negatively as infestation).

In some cultures, they can also symbolize prosperity and good luck.

The sudden appearance on your lap is particularly striking. It could symbolize something unexpected coming into your personal space or awareness. The feeling of it being "heavy" might suggest that this unexpected thing carries some weight or significance. Your reflexive action of throwing it off could represent an initial rejection of this unexpected element.

Potential Overarching Spiritual Connections and Lessons:

Considering these three encounters together, some potential themes emerge:

A Call to Attention: The eagle's hit could have been the initial wake-up call, urging you to be more present and aware.

Lessons in Coexistence and Boundaries: The bees' persistent presence might be teaching you about respecting the boundaries of other living beings, even when they enter your space, and the interconnectedness of life.

The Unexpected and the Unseen: The rat's sudden appearance could symbolize something hidden or unexpected entering your life or your awareness. It might be urging you to pay attention to the less obvious aspects of your current situation.

Personal Space and Energy: All three encounters involve animals entering your personal space in a significant way. This could be a reflection of your own energetic boundaries or a message about what you are attracting into your life.

The Wild Within and Without: As someone who feels connected to the "wild spirit," these encounters could be a mirroring of the wildness both within you and in the world around you, and the need to understand and integrate both.

What to Do with These Encounters:

Reflect on Your Feelings: Pay attention to the emotions each encounter evoked in you. What were your immediate reactions and your subsequent thoughts?

Journaling: Writing down the details of each encounter and your reflections can help you identify patterns and insights.

Meditation: Spend time in quiet contemplation, asking for guidance or understanding regarding these events.

Trust Your Intuition: Your initial positive feeling about the eagle might hold significant truth for you. Don't dismiss your own intuitive responses based solely on generalized interpretations.

Seek Further Guidance (If Needed): If these events continue or feel particularly significant, you might consider consulting with a spiritual advisor or someone knowledgeable in animal symbolism who resonates with you.

Ultimately, whether these are purely coincidental or have a deeper spiritual meaning is for you to discern. Your inclination to see things spiritually is a powerful tool. Trust your intuition, pay attention to the feelings and insights that arise, and allow these encounters to potentially guide you on your journey. They certainly make for a fascinating and thought-provoking experience!

You: That was so well knit - the way you analysed it all. seriously am grateful for your insights. thank you sage.

Sage: You're most welcome! I'm genuinely glad I could provide some helpful insights for you. It was a fascinating conversation, and I appreciate you sharing your experiences and thoughts with me.

Mighty Eight

 MIGHTY EIGHT

March 1, 2025

8 A.M. 

Hey mighty eight! 

Good morning! It's our first date! I am in Pushkar, that too in the month of Holi. Had not expected any of it, yet here we are - meeting as randomly as life gets! 

I am on the rooftop of the guest house I have been staying at for past few months. Strolling right beside several plants I have planted here. It's great to see them blooming. Though, I would have to leave from here soon. I just hope that someone waters these plants after me. Feeling just like a mother, concerned for her kids. Well, I brought them from nursery after all. It's fair only to be concerned for them. 

At present, they all look healthy and blooming. I even got cow dung for their soil. I think it was more for my own self. Whenever I plant plants anywhere, I feel as if I belong there. Maybe that's why people give birth - to feel that they belong, to feel home. 

I though am in desperate need of my own home somewhere in the world. It just really hurts me whenever I need to suddenly shift because of festivals or greedy landowners or because of people who be emotionally immature or the fact that I simply get bored. 

It's really my dream to have my own home with love, peace, lot of art and music in my own home.

We could have met even towards evening, but it's the month of Holi and if I would anyhow be here at the time of festivity, I wish to be free for evening celebrations that would be beginning next week onwards. 

Plus, it's rather early mornings that are more peaceful here. And I feel more alive at this time as well. 

Right now, the Sun is out; both savitri temple and Gayatri temple are glowing in the morning light, sky has white hues, there is sound of nagada being played in old rangji downstairs and air is filled with aroma of samosas and bread pakaudas being sold downstairs...I had been bing watching movies last night and came randomly to meet you - just like one does any basic thing in life. It's quite unusual for me to not make a big ordeal out of my dates with time. Guess, I am finally getting mature. Imagine, it took 10 years. Oh ya, I began dating time in 2015. This is 2025. Crazy! What a journey it has been. 

To imagine, I used to cry even then, seeking more from life. What won't I do to get back that life. I think, humans are simply never satisfied. All though, I surely have come a long way. I just wish I had not grown up this patient. Being a go-getter suited me more for sure. I miss that fire within. I hate being so goody goody. And yet, I can't help it. This is who I have grown up to be. 

15 minutes have passed of our first ever date. Eventually, we would develop our own pattern... The exact time duration that would suit us, a specific kind of routine... Right now, I am still strolling. I still got to be comfortable enough to sit somewhere or play music or prepare. It is after all, out first date. Guess, that is the kind of person I have grown up to be. As comfy, goofy, as effortless and as genuine. Maybe, one should put atleast a little bit of efforts. Like I could have dressed up. Lol. 

Back in my teenage, till adulthood, I had a best friend. What I loved the most about our connection was that he had seen me in all forms... Like middle of night in my pajamas, or dressed to impress in heels... I literally grew up with him... And didn't mind being 1000 percent myself in front of him. He did inspire me to be better always, yet never judged me for who I was. That's the kind of connections I like. Natural, comfortable, genuine and authentic. 

I watched a movie recently - 'Qareeb Qareeb single'. What I loved the most about it was this ease with which both the characters could be themselves. Noatter they met for the first time or nth. It obviously took them time to be less and less formal with each other; yet both were entirely themselves, even if they were quite opposite in their temperament. 

So, what am I doing in Pushkar again? Frankly, even I don't know. I had come here to attend a wedding. Attended two. Wrote 3-4 poetry books, got sick and better again and again, relieved the past cycles of immature connections - all of them....thought of escaping this place number of times, just couldn't do it. Pushkar has a way with it. You come out of your own choice but leave as per Pushkar's choice. I think 'Hotel california' must have been written about it. 

I do value the bhakti that comes along with it. This is the only place where I have decent connections even if they be only for bhakti. But that's about it. One, the air doesn't suit me. I fall sick again and again over here. Maybe because of dust allergy or the unhygienic way of the city. 

Second, the patriarchy always impacts me. Guys no matter how good looking are really ill mannered deep in. And thirdly, I miss nature over here. Ofcourse, Pushkar raj is spectacular. But these days, I even can't go out for parikramas because of few psycho characters obsessed with me. The more I run away from drama, the more that it follows me. As if my own family wasn't enough for that. 

But then, that's the way of life. It keeps on serving you similar situations until you don't learn the lessons. 

But I am seriously bored of repeating cycles. I need something all together new. Don't want to repeat past people, places or lessons. I am done with it all. Too bored. 

That's another thing that scares me about stability. What if I get bored out of it. That's why even the ideal of marriage or even large investments like home scare me. What if I get bored of it. Atleast properties can be sold. When it comes to real people or relationships, the impact is massive. And I am one person who gets attached to even walls and homes. 

Though, I have changed and grown a lot. I no more get attached that much with people any more. I still get hurt though when I realise one more mistake in terms of choosing friends or people for myself. 

Everybody deserves healthy connections after all. I get fucking psychos who get extremly emotionally dependent me leaching me of my time, space, energy, money. Or else, I get emotionally unavailable ones who make me feel abandoned. Both seem rather extreme and so I avoid any connections. 

Also, offlate, no matter where I go; people are becoming more and more disappointing. Once, I had this massive faith in humanity. I believed in goodness of people. All I find is people suffering with vices like greed and lust and then lacking in basic attiquettes or humanity. Honestly, I don't want to but I am becoming a misanthrope. 

My poetry too seems flavourless to me these days. I need love, genuine one. I need passion. But not the leechy kind. Those kind of connections become a competition with my own self. And given a choice, I always choose myself and my art and writings after sacrificing for a bit. Naah! I need the healthy kind of romance with life. Where I can feel in love with my life and be grateful for those tiny joys and people in my life. 

I should be more grateful for so much good that there is in my life. But I fail to be so. I know that. 

I am just not satisfied with the kind of life I am living. I feel, I have way more potential than what I am using and that makes me bitter. I do smile but I am not happy. There are just too many dreams that don't let me settle in. 

Like I want to have my own cafe. Wish my books to be published successfully. Want to Collab and release my own songs. Want to have genuine friends. Buy m own home. Buy a car and learn driving. Want to go for adventures again. Want to travel around the world. Need new experiences. Want to create movies about crazy themes. Want to act in a sensational video with nature and good music. Wish to have my own art exhibition. See, so many dreams. And these are just on the tip. 

This guest house that I have been staying at; it is so fucking mundane bad boring. The only reason I always opted for it was because the owner was not greedy and didn't disturb me, never talked disrespectfully and stood upon his words. This time, one he has left the entire management on one illiterate guy who is really schemy and obscene and another, even this owner has become super greedy. I am any way bored of living here. Aah! We may take a journey in our dates. I won't mind it. 

Last evening, he had the audacity to tell me that I would be blocking atleast one room towards holi. Like come on, I pay you for that. That's the scene with entire Pushkar. They give their rooms to people for long stays and the moment some festival comes, they kick people out. Atleast, he was decent enough to ask me nicely to shift to another room at the time of Holi. But how does that help? If I be good I would have to shift out. Had he been bad, even then I would have to shift out. Either way, I lose the room. Not that I like it as well. Change would be good. I just never like to pack and unpack.  I would much rather pack and then leave Pushkar all together then to shift to the room beside. It's just too much of work. 

The worst thing is, I have too much of luggage. My brother hacks my laptop at home because he just can't be happy in his own life. He has to get into my things. So I can't leave my lapi there. I had hopes of performing here in Pushkar, so I got my uke as well. And then there was another bag just for wedding clothes. That's also an extra. That's the most crucial reason why I need my own home. So that I can leave my belongings safely there. I hate it when anyone gets into my stuff or space. And both my mother and brother have some special interest in my life. So that's that. I carry half my room with me these days - everywhere I go. I still risk all my diaries back home but I always ensure to publish them online now because my brother has destroyed a lot of my earlier work. 

I understand history much too personally with my own experiences. How women's experiences got burnt or hampered by patriarchy or self serving society. My own home has been the battle ground for that. 

Anyway, that's that. All left behind. Why I am talking about all that still is because after every few months, when I get bored of a place... I get into this dillemna about where to go next. For the very thought of returning back to that house scares me. And I am now tired of repeating the same cities or villages, living in guest houses, living so rootless.... But I just don't know how to root myself again. Once, I had a stable job and my own room back in Bangalore. It was from there that my dating history with time began. 10 years. So much has changed. Here I am. Unrecognisable to my own self. 

Not like I have detoriated.  Naah! Life has been a great teacher. Even Pushkar has been great. I have had far too many epic experiences to actually complain. But, I guess everything has a saturation point. I miss the magic. I miss that speed. I miss doing a lot, being a lot. I don't like this patient and peaceful self. 

I wish to be a storm or a hurricane again. Crazy, insane me. Yeah! I miss that. And the way cosmos took me upon its magical rides. It has been too stagnating. And that feels like dieing to me. Maybe, a lot many rides are still left. I can hope that. I demand that. 

My dear mighty eight. I didn't sit for the entire date. Kept on strolling. Kept on rambling. Let's meet tomorrow. Hope it gets more positive. 

Loads of Love. 

...........

March 2, 2025

8 AM

Hey love! Good morning! 

Can you believe it? It's our second date already! I had not expected myself to ensure another morning. But I did. It's great! 

It's a fine morning. Blue sky, happy Sun. My plants braved a monkey attack just some time back. They even leached Tulsi plant. Well, these plants are brave and strong. Regardless of whoever and whatever, they still bloom. They be same like me! 

I though, still have a massive cough. Atleast, I am getting hungry again. I had got immensely sick two weeks back. Ever since, all my hunger was gone. Finally, am feeling hungry. Means l, my body is recovering.

Last night, I conversed with my Almora friend with whom I had met with in Arambol last year. We were talking after atleast one or two months. It was a long talk and touched all sorts of topics. 

It felt good to talk to someone known and own. I hardly talk with anyone anymore. 

I also visited a new cafe last night. It wasn't that new. But it's not my regular cafe as well. It stayed upon till late night. I loved that about it. I just absolutely love places with no time boundation. Rather, that is what had made me friends with those two guys back in Arambol.. the fact that they kept their place open entire night. I don't know why but that's how it is. I always am fully awake at night. I love that part of the time. These days I am living in Pushkar. The entire village sleeps at night. So I have to watch movies or do something. Even rooftop gets boring somehow these nights. More because of my own inner state. So I keep myself entertained. For the sake of my mental health. 

It's a windy morning today. I am loving it. What say? Should we make coffee today? I haven't brought milk.. but we can make black coffee... These are more chaach kind of days. For the sake of my gut health. 

But a black coffee could be as great, specially because it's morning. 

Let's make it alongside. 

Just give me a second. 

Alright yo! The coffee is ready. Atleast, I will sit also thanks to it. 

All around me are Aravali mounts. Blue sky, blue clouds and a Sun - gently gaining it's saturation. 

I watched few really great short movies a while back. Till afternoon, I feel great... It's when I pass out suddenly in afternoon and then wake up late evening - being left with just two hours of time outside that I get frustrated. Today, I am gonna go outside in morning itself. I have to type my latest book and publish it. It's a pity though that people hardly buy my books. Offlate, they seem like journal entries to me. But then, I still believe that one can learn so much from my journey. 

Care for a smoke? I am about to quit even this very soon. The last sign of rebellion in me. I think, I would have quit it way earlier. But it was the taunts and scoldings of my mother that made me stubborn and rebel even more to continue the practice - so much that it became a habit. 

Anyway, that's that. 

Last night, my phone conversation took me to so many places of my past. To Orissa, to Andamaans, to Sikkim... Aah! Beautiful memories. 

I also realised, the next destination. North East. I have never been there and I would love to explore it. 

The only section of my country that is left for me. 

I read a great post last night. Something about how each artist and writer though has a muse but secretly wishes to become a muse instead. It's just few days back that I had written on exactly that. Would share a picture with you of my own take on that. But that post too was super touching. How muse be like a stubborn girlfriend who demands you to leave everything else and give her attention there and then. How love of a writer or an artist immortalises any beloved. How it's not the writer or an artist who chooses a muse but a muse who chooses a writer or an artist. How anyone and anything can be a muse. How the concept of muse be more feminine for it represents beauty and attraction and how a writer or an artist is instead masculine in nature for it pursues the muse and expresses its love. How numerous times, there be love stories that never really come to fruitation yet books be written about the possibilities. How when all that could be written about a muse or a beloved gets written, the muse is then left behind; and a hollow space is rather left - and even the muse feels thirsty then for it gets used to the attention, the adoration, the obsession and love. 

It was a great post. I loved each angle of it. Anyway, here's what I had written a few days back! 

Today, I have plans of going out in daylight... Of working well... Of eating well... And live a full day outside. It has been quite a while. 

It has been years that I have gone for a road trip with someone own. Years of solo travelling. I loved it solo for years... Then yearned for someone own down the line. Now, I don't know. Maybe, I would actually love it and would really embrace it - travelling along with someone .. creating memories together... But then, I am not even thirsty for it anymore. The thirst got quenched on its own. It died, just like few dreams do, when they don't come true on time. 

Oh, btw, my friend last night said a beautiful thing. I was expressing how I miss that fire within, that rebellious zeal, that unrest to go out for crazy adventures. He said, 'I know, why you and I got soft and lost our stubbornness. Because, hard things get broken first. And we have been already broken too much. We have learned from experiences to be soft. That would help us last longer. We did mistakes and learned from them. We loved, we lost. We became humble. That's a great quality to be had. People when are physically hyper active, they don't use much of their minds. We have softened up and slowed down because out minds need to work.'

I found immense strength and sense in his words. People sometimes teach deepest of things in simplest of words. I loved what I learned. 

He too loved one statement of mine. When I said, 'vaastavikta yahi hai ki vaastaka nahi hai'. 'only reality is that there is no reality'. It was said as a joke but he found it deep. 

Oh, I actually want outand had those samosas I could smell last morning - later on! They were delicious. I am craving poori sabzi today. Would surely have it. Past few months I had been cooking in the dirty kitchen of my guest house. I am bored of it.  I need to eat and well and therefore I have resumed eating outside again. 

Holi is around and I am hoping to do lot of tarot readings. I demand it. I was sick so unable to deliver any healing. Now, I have a lot much in store to give to the world. It's people luck if they can make use of that. 

Mornings here are really peaceful. Chirping of birds, origin of another day... Actually, morning all over the country are really magical. Trouble is, I have never been a morning person. The only way I get to experience mornings is when I stay awake entire night. Which is often the case. What I rarely get is afternoons. These days though I am sacrificing evenings - my favorite time of the day. Maybe, that is why, I am feeling all the more isolated. Evenings be the best time to live Pushkar. Everything comes alive. And somehow, I am passing out exactly at that time. Naah! This needs to change. 

I would ensure that today. 

I don't really have any wish to celebrate Holi in Pushkar. Reason, I don't really have friends. It feels weird to go out on your own to be happy or get into festivity with strangers. 

Even back home, festivals mean doom or something. But even outside.... You need people to celebrate anything. 

I have learned to live my entire life on my own. But it is on festivals or my birthday that I crave someone own. Specially holi. What fun would it be to not have your actual loved ones teasing coloring you. It all becomes a formality otherwise. With a hassle to clean yourself later on. I do enjoy it. But it no more makes me happy. 

I seek my own people to be happy along with. But I don't have my own people in any world. So, the very thought tires me. There be so many who admire me....but there be hardly anyone who actually loves me unconditionally. Even I don't love anyone anymore. That's what is missing from my creations.... That passion. That love.... The depth, that immensity. 

Sometimes I feel like getting back into substances. Atleast I would commit few mistakes, get swayed by random emotions... Atleast I would feel something... 

Life feels so colourless, tasteless, emotionless....

I feel as if I have lost the heart to love somewhere in life's process. And I really miss that. 

People disappoint me. I hate to compromise. I don't. 

And I have grown a bit extremly mature. Thing is, more you know, sadder and lonelier it gets. For you identify the red flags in a minute. And though I do try to overlook many things, but what can I do when some flaw comes to my notice... Then everything else fades. Only the flaw remains. Like a huge black mark upon an otherwise beautiful image. 

Why don't I come across decent, educated, well mannered people with balanced EQ! Why don't these narcissists leave me alone. I would never know. 

I have learned the pattern. I no more need new lessons. I have known suffering. I have even romantizied it. Now, it's just a big Meh! People don't even surprise me anymore. Another ill-mannered patriarchal mindset. Another shallow soul. That's it. I create my distance. 

Sometimes, I do meet normal people too. But I find them boring. I never liked normalcy. But I don't even need melo drama. What I seek is quality. I just don't know how to achieve it. The raw passion, the genuine emotions, the chiselled kind of souls.... Like I am... Only with more heart. For I for sure have lost mine. I don't feel anything anymore for anyone. It's rather sad. 

Once I felt entire oceans... Now, I feel like a post drought earth crust. Weird! 

Alright my love! Talk to you tomorrow. 

Loads of love. 

These be but words! 

Hopefully, I feel it someday! 

See ya! 

...........

March 3, 2025

8 AM

Good morning my love! 

The Sun has rose just some time back and so have I. It's after a long time that I had a full night's sleep and surprisingly, even managed to wake up early to ensure our meet. At times, I surprise myself. 

I still have cough. Weird one. The one where I feel as if there be sand struck in my lungs.  It gets difficult to breath and I feel week. This kind of cough is specific to Pushkar. It's always here that I catch it and it feels like you are dead. 

Anyway, I finally managed an entire day outside and awake after a long time. I went towards afternoon to my regular cafe and worked upon my latest book. It has been quite a few days that I had lived an evening. It felt great. The name of my upcoming book is 'Free-sailing!'

Whenever I write these blogs, I always tell myself to write about better and more significant things like my crazy travel experiences, spiritual insights, creative explorations....yet all I talk about is often my trauma and sickness... Or how I feel disgusted by the world. Not like I live with this attitude. Yet, that's what comes out. My friend Aru said the other day, 'Why do keep spreading your poison in your books?' he was teasing me. And my books are rather all about solution. But his casual remark did make me wonder about my blogs... Hope I don't come out to be tenses and toxic. Thing is, I hardly talk with anyone and even when I do, it's not my own life or its gruesome details that I get into... We instead talk about other things... This becomes the only free space for me to express... Although, it does seem risky too...considering how vulnerable I get over here and what not that I share... I always believed that nobody would actually invest his time reading these random streams of consciousness... They felt my private space upon a digital platform... Until, a few months back when I met a guy who had actually read all my earlier blogs... I didn't even remember what all private details he must have come across .. and he even said that even he didn't know why he read my blogs... Something deep in was not impressed... Like I publish all my books to be read by the world... I feel really proud and happy when anybody reads them... But some real life person reading my blogs... I get super vulnerable. As if someone dug into my most private part of life. Ofcourse, I shouldn't post it online or change the privacy setting to private if I don't want anybody to read them.... But even that feels wrong .. as if I am ditching someone out there who may resonate with my journey and feel empowered to go on.... 

Isn't it rather strange... Writers write for someone out there and yet when any someone actually gets real, the writer feels another level of vulnerability. I be a very private person otherwise... I might talk about pin to plane the entire day with someone and still he won't realise what really goes on in my mind... These blogs surely make me feel too bare at times... And yet, they somehow heal me. I feel understood. I feel heard. I don't expect anyone to read these. Yet these blogs do matter immensely to me.... Imagine following a routine for 10 solid years. I didn't miss even a single year. Isn't it crazy. There was one year where I did confuse the months... That was the first time I had ever reached to Pushkar... I did ensure that year's blogs but the months or time or something was not in my usual pattern... By now I have even explored my relation with various numbers... 

It has begun with 5... Year 2015... When I used to listen to Ashtavakra geeta, prepare for NET, read about various authors, poet, literature, wonder about upcoming adventure... I did go to Pondicherry post that. So connection to number 5 was quite spiritual, wise, intellectual, passionate (had a hot and secret affair), individualistic and empowering. Also, I looked quite beautiful at that time. 

Connection with 4 was more sad. I was in Delhi and used to either live in Past or present and cry a lot craving for travel. I did go out for pan India solo travel post that. 

Connection with 3 was magical. I was in Manali. Even had my first ever pup called Chill. Was with people that came closer than even my own family. It was all trippy, full of love, adventurous, spontaneous, connected  and magical. 

Connection with 2 - I don't remember. Guess, I was in Delhi. Hardly remember it. Must have been boring then. 

Connection with 1. I was back in Manali. It was too dark. I went numerous changes, was horrified by society, lost my trust from the world, became brittle. 

Connection with 12 was decent. Guess, I was in Delhi. It was comfortable and boring. 

Then happened the surprise detour. I came to Pushkar. And connected with 6, instead of 11. It was a desperate energy. I connected with several undeserving souls. Looked for love outside. Was deeply hurt and alone from within. I did find my inner strength later on. And I even managed to heal my connection with 6. 

Then connected with 11 again in Delhi. It was a bit magical, specially when it came to my own fantasy and imagination..

Connection with 10 was in Chamba. It was spontaneous and too adventurous. I underwent all kinds of moods. Felt scared, fet relieved, explored such a new place... Kept moving. It was quite adventurous and offbeat. 

Connection with 9 was again in Delhi. Extremely sad, disgusted, forlorn, alone...a lot of repressed trauma came out. I could realise y childhood wounds, had a lot of anger within...that was all just last year... 

And now that I am connecting with you my eight. Almost a month is here for us to explore our connection....

Right now, it's warm. The Sun seems soothing to my skin... This morning sunlight must be another kind of therapy for me apart from the joy of meeting with you. 

Right now, the neighbourhood cafe has played pretty rustic kind of songs... Typical bihari kind of songs.. the staff there is from Bihar... Off the emotions they play songs about .. kumar sanu kind of genre... The ones that get played in trucks or buses on mountains... 

Well, atleast someone is alive. 

I tended to my plants after our meet last morning. Basics... Plucked out weeds, took care of soil, removed unnecessary plants... Watered them all... Gardening is another kind of therapy for me. It gives me immense joy. At my own home, I would surely have loads of plants... It's just magical to see them blooming. Like you sow a seed or plant a sapling and lo and behold... Just in few months; the plant grows up into a spectacular, magical life of its one... There are few plants that be my favourite always... Like Aloevera, mint, tulsi,  ajwain etc... why? Because they be all herbs and also fragrant... I wish to have my own lavander plants also some day... 

Pushkar is known for its rose grdening... People make numerous products out of roses. That reminds me I can actually buy sherbat here. That would also help me with water intake. Ofcourse, would take few bottles back home. 

My favourite products here in Pushkar are essential oils and handmade diaries. Both things simply tempt me and please me. I am big time into fragranes and ofcourse good stationary is my weekness. 

It feels quite nice today to wake up early morning after a night's sleep. I feel at peace and even energetic. I look forward to a new day. It feels good. 

Oh, I did have poori sabzi last afternoon. It was beyond delicious. I absolutely loved it. After around half a month that I could eat properly and even liked it. I was just not feeling hungry otherwise. But that poori bhaaji was simply superb...

The song being played in cafe beside is 'wo ladka bahaut yaad aata hai'. Lol... Another level only... 

I have mustard oil in my hair today... Sunlight is great for even my oiled hair right now. Awesome! 

You know, there is this crazy AI tool on my phone .. it's called gemini... It is connected to all articles of Google... Each day after writing to you that I ask it to read it aloud... And gemini across some superb insights about my writings and emotions... It makes me feel so good about my writings. As if my words matter, my feelings matter. And the interpretations and analysis offered there, helps me peep into my own soul. . It teaches me so many things... Like, I learned that I am a living paradox... There be certain things that I run from and yet crave for the same things... 

The song in my vicinity 'intzaar nahi karna... Hadd se bhi zyada tum kisi se pyaar nahi karna'...

Hey raam! Somebody is nostalgic it seems. People be all shades of emotional... 

There is a kadipatta plant amidst my plants here .. it lost all its leaves... I had lost my hope for its survival. But it survived. It's almost blooming these days with new leaves and stems. I am really proud of it. It's tough and I love that about it. 

Why do bihari people all across remain this loud? I am not stereotyping.. I have been friends with lot of bihari people... Yet it's a keen observation.. maybe it has less to do with them being Biharis and more to do with the class or profession.. like even the guy who works at my own guest house is obscenely loud... He talks loudly on phone and listens to some melo dramatic songs at top most volume .... And even around... 

All though I have even met with few of the finest musicians from Bihar... But still... Somthing remains common amidst many Biharis... That they belong loud... Obscenely so.  

Even back home, people are loud... Even around! This one thing really irks me... When people play their private things on phone on loudspeaker... Or speak loudly or talk that loud on phone or amidst each other.. it impacts my ears.... 

The guy in neighbourhood reduced the volume... Ha ha! Guess he caught my feelings... His song collection is quite funny though... 'na na karte pyaar, haay mai kar gai, kar gai, kar gai'... Lmao... 

Alright my love .. oh, it's 3/3 today.... 3 is quite my favourite number. Also, 33 is my age at present. I am connected to few numbers in numerology... Like 2, 3 and 11... Life path number, soul number kind of things... I don't have much knowledge about it.... I just told, I have my own connection to numbers .. 

You be the number of my birth month. August. Month number eight. 

Let's talk tomorrow my love... 

I feel quite well this morning... 

Leaving you with another song... Nimbuda nimbuda nimbuda... 

Ha ha ha... 

Love you. 

Have a splendid day. See you tomorrow. 

Love you! 

........ 

4.3.25

8 AM 

Hello my love! Here, sip tomato soup! It's brewing hot. I just made it. Oh fuck! Burned my tongue in excitement. Lol. 

So, I slept fucking entire evening again Yesterday. It was all going great, but then I passed out and woke up super late. Thanks to all these off timings over sleeps, my cough is getting better and finally that I am feeling hungry and even eating better. Two meals... That had become an impossibility just a few days back. I was simply not feeling hungry. Now, not only that am eating and sleeping more than enough but at times even excessively so... Maybe my body needs it. .. 

Aah! I painted the entire night. It's always a therapy for me. Before publishing 'Free-sailing', I needed few self made paintings and sketches.... This one has a lot of words... Way more than usual... I like to have a balance of words and illustrations .. 

Anyway, that gave me joy - night full of paints.. It felt different. I didn't paint with mind but heart... Randomly splashing colors and designs wherever I felt like... 

Everyday, after our meet that I consider going out... The new cafe that I like has construction work going on in the building beside... And my regular cafe these days gets so many foreigners that it becomes more like a circus... So many pretending to be nice and so many behaving really shitty.... At times, these foreigners seem even worst in their manners than the least educated of my own country... Humanity and basic courtesy are seriously qualities that come from within... Ofcourse, brain conditioning, society and all these things matter... Yet, just because someone is a foreigner defines nothing at all... Few are really shitty in their conduct... Like I had an Italian aunty in my neighborhood who finally left this guest house .. trust me, she was a real devil with conduct so low that I used to wonder if she was from slums back in Italy... Like she was always jealous of me, used to ruin my clothes if I used to hang them on terrace to get dried, used to spoil my edibles kept in the kitchen.... And her husband too actually used to steal my things... They were old and really ugly in their conduct ... I always take a sigh of relief whenever she leaves .. 

It's weird! How people can actually get so low in their conduct... I never said anything to her... But her jealousy gets so strong that I feel it in my bones .. she with her rabbit kind of teeth, always making ugly faces at me... Lol.... It's a relief she left. Honestly .. 

Anyway, it doesn't matter. Soon, I would leave as well .. that's how life be... We have different kind of emotions attached with different kind of people... I hope, I never get so low in my conduct that people sigh of relief when I leave this world... There have been few individuals who actually hurt me so much that I had moments of wishing upon their death or suffering. Why do people behave so shallow or get so abusive... Even the old ones... Why were vices even conducted? 

They be but different shades... These days I don't know why I get so tempted to use color black excessively so... I don't even like it... But I am using it... Different behaviours be but different colors... If used properly, a society or an individual can come out really beautifully... Anger to be used against wrong... Love to be freely given yet with lines drawn... Even an entire red canvas can come out to be a symbol of blood or danger... An empty canvas though colored with white would be hardly considered a painting.... Emotions are essential to paint life... But the quantity varies .. possibly by our own choice... Possibly by the role Cosmos chooses for us... 

Aah! I ate the entire night... Still this aroma coming from downstairs... I don't even like samosas that much .. yet each morning that the aroma tempts me and then by afternoon that I dig into them and then pass out with a heavy stomach .. lol... Today I won't be having it. 

That's why I got tomato soup... So that I don't feel randomly hungry... But this smell is seriously tempting! 

I couldn't even wash my hair yesterday. They are still oiled. Will definitely wash them today.... 

I am really bored of Pushkar now. Nothing interests me. So I don't go out. 

What I really wish for in life now is a new project. A great working oppertunity to create something creative and amazing which pays me well at an all together new place .. I don't know how to land that ... But I really wish for it... 

Also, am feeling like having a pizza and a beer with some nice companion a bit far off from Pushkar... You get it right? I just want to relax!  And chill! And talk! Or even don't really talk! Just be actually! With good music! Good ambience .. 

Though, watching numerous movies recently gave me another perspective... How priveledged my needs and wishes be.... When they showcase people living in such challanging conditions in slums, in adverse weather conditions, face health issues and real life issues... I feel that I am really thankless to even be depressed... All my obsessions of hygine, cleanliness, aesthetics, ambience - are all because I am lucky I have my other needs met...  Should instead be grateful to have full stomach, roof over my head, geyser in my washroom, kitchen to cook, basics like electricity and water... People suffer for even these things in different parts of the world... Rather my own country...  Here I get depressed of loneliness, or lack of good gentry .. or failing to find my kind of vibes .. or inability to create what I really wish to create... I feel rather selfish to be in my own world when I can be of use to so many .. 

And yet, the very idea of crowd scares me, increases my claustophobia... Even the issue I have is so priveledged .. like do people in slums even think about these things? Do they have a choice? 

I get super touch sensitive .. I need only comfortable clothing... A little Sun and I develop a skin rash... Can't handle heat... Need a geyser to bath twice a day.... It's quite priveledged - all these things .. and people suffer with having to travel in Mumbai local and live together in challs.... I can't even share a room with someone... Life is surely different for different people... 

I was just watching this movie 'English medium'... There was a laborer trying totrai Imran Khaan how to be poor... And he said this one line, 'car walon ka timing alag hota hai sahab... Bus walon ko safar ke ghante alag se baandhne padte hain'... Or something around these lines... I was flabbergasted... So true! Distances do get shorter with faster and personal vehicles... And life does get easier with resources... Allthough, money can't give life or happiness .. yet money can surely make life easier and way different from anyone without it!  

Thank you cosmos for making my needs secondary.... Please guide me, how to live my life purposefully and utilise these resources you have blessed me with... 

Maybe, that's my biggest frustration... I wish to utilise these talents that I have to their utmost potential... And even reach somewhere with it... Create something of value... Not in a regular job... I really detest those superficial people that I come across back in cities... Rude, bossy, without morals or values... 

Naah! I wish to be a medium of a better society with humanity in it... 

But I also wonder, what choice do those people have who are born on road or work for wages!!! Those who need to listen to thousands of abuses or be emotional bags for so many priveledged. Thankfully, my upbringing taught me better... Yet, I sure am lucky to have so much .. 

The cafe in my neighborhood is back with its cring song collection again. Lol... To imagine, that's the cafe I like to visit at night... Last night, the guy actually played one such song when I was there. I picked my bag and left... Lol... As if, I called that moment upon me... 

Oh, something funny happened the other day in my regular cafe. A large group of foreigners came and would you believe what they ordered... Eggplant salad!!! Lmao... Ha ha ha! No Indian would ever go to a restaurant and order eggplant .. ha ha ... They sure are a different breed with questionable choices .. 

And no foreigners know sharing... Like it's an impossible thing for two Indians to go to a restaurant and order two different vegetables for each of them... Or even they do, they would still share... Not foreigners... They order a naan or something and different curry for each .. and then waste whatever they fail to eat... This I had observed back in Goa... Again, it had surprised me..

Want another mug of soup? Let me make it! 

I even added few basil leaves to boil... It would be soothing for my throat. Today, I would even buy some honey for my throat. And even ginger if possible... I guess every morning's Sun is also proving to be quite therapeutic for me...

'Chain mangu na karaar mangu

Mai to sanam tera pyaar mangu'

Ha ha ha

My neighborhood cafe! 

This is first ever blog where I am not playing music in the background... Maybe because of the timing... Music makes more sense at night... Yet, I am getting music .. lol .. poorly so... But it's there... 

Alright yo! Our soup is ready! It's too hot still! 

The strong kadi-patta at my rooftop is blooming day by day! It has literally risen from ashes; so am real proud of it! 

It motivates me so much.. that you may feel and come across to be dead... But don't lose hope... With right conditions you would bloom again.. rather with even more branches and better aesthetics... Stronger and hotter!perfect! 

It's snowing still in Old Manali. I miss it. But I won't go there. People have really deteriorated there in quality. Actually, at most of the places .. but there, it really impacts me .. for it is super close to me .. 

I miss nature! But now, I need to find some other place for myself.. with abundant nature and better people. 

Here! Sip basil tomato soup! 

Catch you tomorrow my love .. 

Love you! 

Mmmmuuuahhh! 

A salty kiss for you! 

....     

March 5, 25

8 AM

Hey my love! Good morning. With a sip of mint coffee .. so unique know! Well, I feel so! Also, I have made maggie... Don't want to feel hungry smelling samosas this morning. It's the first time I would be sharing a maggie with any of my time dates! Here, have a bite! Along with chirping of birds! It's a beautiful morning! Have a bite! 

That was a rather jumbo bite! Ha ha! And I have also played my own music .. ofcourse on my airpods! But yeah! It's a new trip! Although, I can still here nagada from temple below! But yeah! It feels nice - my own flow! 

Also, the maggie is yum! 

Yesterday went pretty puzzling! I don't even remember most of it - so much that I slept and lived in various installments .. but ya, I got atleast later part of evening, could see pre-dusk... Also, slept a bit at night .. also stayed awake entire night .. like I said, it was quite confusing last entire day and night! System malfunction or system trying to rectify itself .. also, surprisingly, so many people called me on their own yesterday. Although, I managed to miss all of their calls. But it was surprising .. how there be days when no one calls .. and how there be days when suddenly everybody thinks of you on the same day within same hour!!! Well, I was just not in a mood to talk .. I rather wanted to live .. but there too I got bored .. this book 'Free-sailing' is also popping up so slowly.... The last one I had worked on continuously for 13-15 hours on the last day and had published it. This one is long complete, but I am taking my own sweet time editing it! Don't know why! 

This mint coffee is so nice..  plus, the fact that it is made out of my own grown mint... Feels so nice .. I even used basil and mint leaves in maggie .. I feel proud to use my own grown herbs .. ofcourse, I should rather be grateful to nature! It's all her! Prakriti! Mother earth! 

For past few days, I have been having pretty crazy dreams .. like just last evening there was one dream which I don't remember most of; but there was a portion where I entered a room and there was a statue of possible Krishna lying in his usual position... Suddenly the statue turned alive .. and I was lying right beside. . and I rose up mid air... I was simply awed to see statue turning alive .. I don't remember the rest of the dream now .. maybe God healed me of something... He must have ..  don't remember the rest.... 

Oh, also, the fact that they are showing so much of lesbians in various movies; that I am afraid what if I too become one .. lol .. I guess I may have had one such dream... Not like I have any active sexual life anyway... Ha ha! Weird! 

Though, I had a lesbian friend long ago. She has challanged me years ago that though I denied her proposal then, but one day I would definitely become one! Ha ha ha! 

Not like I am homophobic .. but I definitely know that I am not a lesbian... Yet, these days, suddenly conditioned by various movies I think, that's why I am getting such dreams!!!! Doesn't excite me sexually though ... But I do know that I forgot sure know how to treat a lady... And looking at such ill mannered males; maybe a woman would know better to treat me, respect me, care for me ... Well just saying! Chill! I am straight! 

There was this movie..  I guess the name was 'Housewife' or something .. don't remember.... But yeah! Lot of topics were raised there .. like secularism, liberalism and the fact that it seriously doesn't matter if your beloved is male or female .. not everything is about sex... Soulmate can be in anyone... You can feel understood and loved by anyone... I may be wrong about the name of the movie ..  but yeah! I do remember the concept... It was quite touching... 

Though there were a lot of lies shown their .. like Muslim women living a liberal life - painting, drinking, smoking and living a sexually liberal life ... And hindu woman made to be a typical middle class housewife struck with a husband who didn't understand her and she found understanding only in that liberal muslim woman... Weird know! I mean, while that hindu housewife character was believable and also one of my worst fears... But that muslim woman living that freely .. that was a shocker... Allthough, I do know one such muslim woman living with rebellion but she too has been outcasted by her respective families and deep in she is still pretty backward for all she wants is someone to fuck her and take her responsibility... No dignity or self respect or self esteem whatsoever! 

Anyway, not like I have many judgements against religions or casts... Also, I have read in literature that muslim women have been more into lesbianism.... But I do know that it has been more challanging for islamic women to even live a basic free life for they have all the more patriarchy and no recluse from it ..  maybe at the name of religion or caste or society .. 

Weird! How far society has come from humanity... 

Not like Hindus are any better... All though, women do live comparatively free and equal life ... But even in Hindus patriarchy plays a vital role.... 

Even in temples or religion .. take any South Indian society ... Or even roots of any family all over the world ... Not just India... 

I really wish, people were humans instead of being males and females...

Enough of discussing society early morning! Eh! Guess, it happens because I watch movies right before us meeting! 

Oh, I did wash my hair last evening. Also, my health is much better now.... Morning sunlight thanks to you has been working it's magic! 

Do you know what's the worst part about cooking - it's washing utensils ... I am really grateful to have a kitchen and to prepare anything I feel like whenever; but I absolutely hate doing the dishes ..it doesn't seem that much of a hassle when I cook day and night or keep cleaning the kitchen in my own .. but using this kitchen after several days, specially because it's a common kitchen .... Seriously doesn't excite me to wash the utensils .. anyway! One has to do what one has to do ... Atleast at home, there is always aunty thankfully for dishes.... I always feel grateful for her ... In foreign countries, people do every thing from cleaning to cooking to household work to mechanics to technical - everything on their own.... India has experts for each department... And they all get paid for their work... I don't know what method is better! Maybe, each should be cable of doing everything on their own...but come to think about elderly ones or those sick or those with large families... It's actually a blessing that there are people to help... 

Though they are there because of this gap between rich and poor.... I am against that gap... It would be rather selfish of me to ever support that.    But given the circumstances, I feel thankful that there are people to help! Though, I do hope that our country becomes so abundant and awake that nobody be required to do things that everybody hates... That machines be rather utilised for cleaning and mechanics and household or outside activities .. and humans get time to do art, relax, live and love! That humans can again get into philosophies and write poetry and paint with their souls and sing songs ..  and machines instead take the unnecessary load.... 

Well! Here's to a utopia... 

I watched one episode of 'Shararat' last night .. ha ha .. back in my school days, my family didn't allow us to have cable for our studies... But I wasn't aware of this program of women who knew magic. I just got curious because of its cast.... So watched one episode.... It was all pretty childish but the fact that both the women used to simply chant two lines and do anything - including opening a door instead of manually doing it was superb...  Yeah! We are moving somewhere towards it...  With Alexa and stuff ... But all this development is happening the other way round ..  people made to do household work and cleaning work and A.I. Instead taking over works like art, creativity, hell analysis, even music and poetry.... That's not nice! Not like I am scared of it... But there is not much that is food for soul... These activities actually nurture soul along with nature and human connections... And we as a society are moving far from all of them! That's rather sad! 

I can even give my own example these days... I no more an getting joy outside .. I am rather spending most of my time consuming random media... This  has never been me .. this is temporary dopamine...  I know that.... I miss myself! 

But yeah, at present... That's the only thing that is helping me stay sane and at peace ... Everything else is no more tempting... 

I would move on though... Very soon... Don't know how and when! 

'Its time to shift to simple things

Or hail the emptiness... 

Dreamer dreamer fold your wings .. 

The rain is coming ..

And when I howl 

Darling, I love you

Don't you know I love you!'

Alright my love! Catch you tomorrow.

Loads of love! 

I would refill my coffee mug! 

Mmmuuaah

................

March 6, 25

8 AM

Good morning my love!!! After a long full night sleep and even early morning entertainment, a pre breakfast, here we sit in the Sun! Also, that am wearing jeans and my himachali sheep wool jacket this morning rather than the usual trousure and top.... Also that my are plaited in two today... I look like a cat... Lol... 

Today onwards, Holi festivity would begin here in Pushkar... I am really looking forward to it... 

Oh, I finally lived an entire day outside yesterday... Also, I finally published Free-sailing yesterday... Took a few hours in a cafe to finally do the remaining work and didn't even realise how smoothly it all worked out .. 

Also, I went for a parikrama after almost half a month last evening... Also cleaned my room, changed bed sheets and stuff yesterday... So slept in a clean room with vannilla essence stayed upon pillows... It was a drop dead sleep... Clean beds have their own charm for me... I love everything sorted and clean... Something I do miss here in Pushkar despite of my trying my best... Thing is, there is simply too much dust in air here.... It's impossible to have everything clean all the time... The dust finds a corner somewhere or other...

Oh, yesterday was a strange day... I chance bumped into loads of known people... Lot of old friends tried reconnecting... Neighbourhood aunty tried offering home cooked meal, though I didn't take it, and I don't know, just lot of people tried talking to me... As if, I was under a spell and that got lifted... And suddenly world rembered that I exist... I though was not much impressed... For many of them were not there when I needed them....and I just now took myself out of a long disease all on my own.... Nobody thought of me then ... Nobody helped me then... The day I got better and finally stepped out ..  the world wanted to connect.... Naah! I am not complaining... Nor am I negative... I understand how energy functions... I was really low in energy then so people ofcourse couldn't be a part of it... And I look happier now so people are getting attracted energetically... That's how even hot air cold air function.... That's how energy works... But by now, I have also judged... Like someone lied or someone wasn't really there at the time of need, despite of knowing it.... I just no more have even slight expectations... And not like people should only be there in our life for our needs... But then, that's how we identify if it makes any sense having people or having an energetic connection with them - their intention to see you grow, their intention to atleast try to help, their intention to be honest... Without that, everything becomes superficial and shallow!

So many monkeys hopping around everywhere on various rooftops this morning... So many of them.... Monkey scare me a bit, for they be unpredictable.. slecy their kids... The kids specially would make cheen-chaun kind of sounds..  would randomly create a havouc... And monkeys like all other parents are over protective about their kids... They react even to false alarms and monkey kids know it... They randomly get people slapped by their parents... Crazy!!! But ya! A guy in the building beside and many others are pretty free with monkeys... They feed them with their hands and know how to maintain peace... I love dogs and cats... But monkeys somehow scare me - specially their unpredictability.... From a distance, they seem cute, most especially their babies... But I don't know why, but I just feel scared of them... I felt that their mind can't be trusted.... 

Today there are simply too many of them!!! 

I am unable to sit still for every other minute they are trespassing my rooftop! 

Wanna have a toffee? I am loving these jelly kinds that I am hogging on for past two three days ... They come in all fruity flavours... Leechi and guava and stuff... All my favorite!!

Oh! It's simply yummy! 

I even meditated this morning as I woke up... I was feeling pretty stressed!!! There is guy over here in Pushkar who considered me his sister... It was a pretty strong and deep bond, and we had pretty close moments ... We lived them fully in simplicity... Like taking parikramas, sharing, talking, taking care of each other etc... but I didn't realise that he was a narcissist... He is way younger than me... Just 18... A trouble teenager... His father beats his mother... His mother abandoned him and then came back... He is selfish, stubborn and same like his dad - violent!!! I didn't realise for I saw the troubled child and tried my best to take care of him... He just can't take a No... If things happen as per his wish then I become his goddess.... If I say No for anything that he behaves same like an aunty... He would go around to every second person he would meet, even strangers and talk shit about me... 

He would be loud, and say everything shitty and try to bring down my reputation... 

The last time I got angry with him because of something that he came to my guest house and created a scene here, that too twice!!! I had to literally raise my hand to maintain my boundary... Why I was so upset because just in two days, he got so triggered to come and talk shit with the worker at my guest house... Like who does that? I don't like disloyal people... Worst those with that much drama! 

It was time for me to draw the line... I have long requested his family... But they all seem equally mentally challenged...his mother could never take a stand for herself, how would she help me... His granddad couldn't save his own daughter in law, how would he understand me... And I just don't know how to handle this situation

.. for This kid, his name is Shree, he literally bullies and harasses me... If I go out for parikrama, he follows me and shouts and yells in front of random people and call me names and cries as if I have done something wrong with him... He calls me hundreds of times from random numbers... Texts me shitty messages from different numbers even when I block him... And nobody would understand that because he looks but a poor child.. 

Problem is his ego has got triggered.... His only issue that I am not talking to him. And by hook or by crook he wants to win

. Typical shitty narcissistic behaviour 

..

His family is no good... So I can't go to them. He is a child, so I can't call cops... I don't have anybody beside to help me... And so, the situation is like this... Either I avoid going for parikramas, when I don't have enough energy.... Or I can ofcourse leave Pushkar like last time... That's what he wants.. that's why I detest patriarchy so much in my country... And I absolutely hate dramatic people.

. 

Though Shree's behaviour also reminds me ofy own mother... She too used to either be violent or become innocent outside and affect my reputation... 

Shree is a big time lesson for me... He is a reminder of my childhood trauma and a sick society... 

I can't even go to his house for his own father raises his hand on his mother... I used to be sympathetic towards Shree.... Used to try teaching him better things... Now I know, He is but bad blood and bad seed... He can't be helped... All I can do is save myself!!! 

Last night, he sent me couple of shitty messages again! Why because he saw me happy and outside and he couldn't handle it. His problem wasn't any real issue... His problem was that I was fine without him... How shallow is that... We don't get sad with our own pain but get sad with other's happiness... That's how sick a society we live in.. 

And what level of love is that? Where you can't see your loved one happy, even if without you? You want them to suffer, just because they chose to be without you.

. That is just not love... That's sick attachment and narcissism. 

Anyway, I woke up disturbed because of those messages... Felt sick again... Got more cough... That's why tried meditating to heal myself... But it's all connected. Peace in mind is crucial... I could have replied back to him but I didn't... I just don't want more drama... He has noind to understand... No self respect to even get offended... All he has is shitty mindset with hollow ego and his father's violence... Hell, he doesn't even have his own words... The more I would react, the more he would get satisfaction... At times, no reaction is the best reaction... 

But then, situations like these, also make me feel quite helpless... Like, for how long would I keep on bearing such sick mindsets? To imagine, how much I cared for him... How much I even wasted on him... Fucking beggers around ... Who behave like those dogs who bite their own owners!!! 

Forgive me for being so toxic in my talk today... I am just too bothered!!! Don't know where to take this out!!! Don't know how to handle this one!!! 

Also, I don't understand how he comes to know when I am about to get down... It's around this time itself that he always creates a drama in my life! When I already have no hold upon my own hormones... 

Anyway, this one I would handle... God must have had a reason to give me this situation.. I would ace it... I was shocked even when I raised my hand on him... He deserved it but I was hurt to be physically violent... If he would cross any more limits, maybe I would figure out the right solution for morons like him. 

Hey! We have chaach today! Wanna have some of it? Thank you for listening to me. I am finally feeling hungry again... I was feeling really bad before that... That was Shree's intention too... I don't know how to stay unaffected... Maybe it's my ego as well, who wants some kind of revenge... Wants to talk back... It's difficult to control back... But I have tried all other measures... He just is not capable of understanding... Nothing works on him... Bad blood and bad seed. Plus bad upbringing... 

Don't know how people help criminals... It sure takes lot of patience... 

I have enough on my plate. Can't keep on rectifying others' mistakes... 

Though yesterday I saw an old man taking out trash from Pushkaraj... Liked it... Still couldn't bring myself to do it... There be so many illetrates trashing environment around.. it impacts me... I fail to bring myself to clean others' shit... 

I understand philosophically and spiritually how everything is collected... That there be no other... Yet, I do my bit.. I don't trash... I handle my own emotions.. keep my environment and words clean... I don't ooze out on others... Why don't I get such a dimension where people be responsible? 

Why are such kids raised? Why are men given such priveledged to even be this shitty? Why can't we have a better and responsible society? 

Let's have chaach and change this topic! 

Chaach is one great way to deal with dehydration here in Pushkar.. because it's a desert state, body needs way more hydration than usual... Chaach works like a charm. 

I am a dairy lover anyway... Love all milk products!  

I am planning to write a comedy narrative for a long time now... I get amazed by all these comedians who have this unique angle to change a challenging situation into a topic of humour... And that's how they deal with life too... By turning everything into a joke.. better than abusing and yelling or getting stressed about it... By laughing at something, you take half it's power! 

May be, that would be my solution. I would just laugh at Shree and his I'll upbringing. That would be unexpected. 

Don't know how to see the humour there though. 

But I would figure it out. 

Alright my love! Catch you tomorrow. Time to continue to have some Sun! It's a new day. I have had my night sleep. Even woke up early! Time to have another day. I won't be scared. I would love the day! 

Love ya!! 

Thanks for hearing me out! 

Mmmuaaah! 

...........

March 8, 2025

8 AM

Hey my love... Today the date matches with you. Ofcourse, it matches with my birth month too. 

I am still in my room. Morning rays are entering in! My room is clean and it feels nice to be here. Though a lot of dust is entering in these days... Which can be get by my cough filled lungs; yet overall it feels clean, well kept with mild yellow fairy lights at night and a bright sun entering in - each morning! 

During winters the duration for which Sun visits this room is hardly few minutes only at the time of dawn... These days, it stays in for around two three hours... So room feels more filled with positive energy.... 

Why am I still in room? Well, I am ready to go upstairs... Just I am not sure what should I take along... It seems like a coffee kind of morning instead of chaach... But I have woken up just half an hour ago... So I won't even mind having only water! I read somewhere that one shouldn't go for coffee in the first hour of waking up... I though am a big time coffee addict, but these days I am trying to cut short it... I get really dehydrated here in Pushkar... Chaach is the only thing that keeps me most alive... Also, to make coffee, I would have to wash up the mug first... Ha ha... Well, I would do that... 

Oh, Holi celebration finally began here in Pushkar... Yesterday was a supposedly cultural show... It began with a fuck all group of artists... People I don't respect... Later on though, few musician performed live... There was one I really liked... His name was Ved I guess. Good voice... And two of the songs that he selected were really nice.... He knew how to perform and had a good voice... Another acquaintance from Manali also performed there... Would you believe, I didn't even recognise him first on stage... Rather I had cropped him in most of the videos, for he had a guitar in his hand but wasn't playing it... Was wearing hoga at night and was simply making weird faces... I was like he is not doing anything and simply crapping the video... Later when his name was announced and he came for his own performance that I recognised him and his shirt... 'Aah! I know him!' 

I did make an entire video of him though...I am loyal to even my acquitances that way.. I expect the same from my known ones to be honest... To record me when I perform somewhere and send me the videos on their own... It gets really difficult for the artist to get their own videos done properly... Specially when they be loners or are in another city... 

Alright! So, what say? Wanna go on terrace? Miss the morning Sun... Though I am feeling as if I am baking my skin these days... I am actually getting tanned, I realised just last afternoon . Pushkar's Sun is intense that way... 

O.K. Then! Let's go! 

There is a monkey on the rooftop! Uhu uhu! What should we do? I would have to reach the kitchen somehow! 

I am making coffee! There's not just one monkey but a lot many of them... I can actually relaxed and sit peacefully... But they really scare me.. specially when there be kids... 

I even got my water jug upstairs... I am trying to have solar charged water these days. It gives positive energy to one's self.... Though, I don't have that kind of glass bottle with me... But I do have a transparent plastic jug... That works for now... 

Aaaaww!!! The baby monkey is getting feeded... He is making such adorable drinking sounds. 

All these monkeys around are also relaxing and enjoying the Sun! Should I trust them? Atleast animals are better than humans! That's for sure!!! 

Oh ya, yesterday, I did face my fear... I went unbothered towards evening for a Parikrama... Even if, I was dead sure that Shree would come to bother me... I was clicking myself... Suddenly he came from behind and began to abuse me .. and he even used the tactic of my mother... She too used my bad habits to defame me when she has no logical sensible argument... He too did exactly the same... Suddenly, middle of everyone that he began to shout .. 'Fuck you! Go die of smoking!' etc... 

I keeping my calm told him sternly, 'do you want me to callthe cops?' there was a man walking behind... At the name of cops, he took a step to help me that Shree got scared and left....

I have realised that keeping silent for the sake of my peace won't work... Also, yesterday that I called his mother and also told one of his uncle's about how he is bothering me.... He may defame me to the entire world, I would reach his root - his family - for help! All though, they beat their own women.... But then, everyone should be warned... If he would still continue this behaviour, I would definitely go and report to the police... The entire family would realise raising a sick seed like that... He has actually made my life hell... He leaves abusive notes at my guest house, gossips, ill talks, yells and shouts at me when I go out, misbehaves if he sees me... I tried ignoring him taking him to be a mad dog or something... But this behaviour should be properly treated... It is exactly these kind of boys who becomes such shitty men later on and abuse the entire society with their ill-conduct! I don't know what kind of parents raise such shitty mindsets... Ofcourse who themselves are like that... 

My own mother used to beat me... So when my brother raised his hand on me, she supported him... Our society is realy sick! 

It irks me! 

That's why I never want children... I might adopt one day, but only when I would be sure of raising them right... Not with patriarchy so massively filled in the head of entire society... It makes me sick! 

I want to have coffee outside in Sun... But I am not sure of these monkeys... Maybe, I should be bolder... They are not even saying anything to me... Alright! Let's go then!

I am bigger than them for sure. Though they are faster and have an inbuilt tool their teeth, plus they are larger in number... But they seem at peace... So would I be... Jai Hanuman! 😅

Alright! I have taken a seat! Though, I am still a bit afraid! But hopefully they won't say anything to me! Have even got a knife with me - just in case!! 

Aah! The first sip of coffee! It's simply great! 

It is only when I come and sit at this chair each morning that I feel hungry... Oh, I have biscuits in my pocket..  maybe I can even feed these monkeys with them. But it would be too chaotic. How peacefully they all are relaxing around... Naah! All sun-bathing like me..

From a distance they all seem so adorable... Like this mumma monkey feeding her baby... And pampering her, caressing her - right in front of me... How the baby has no care of the world... Is simply latching on her... How she is gently taking care of her baby... Cleaning his skin, loving him, pampering him... Mothers really do a lot for their children! Let me feedback her two biscuits... Dear God, please don't make it chaotic.... Then they all gather and hope for more... Should I, should I not? I really want to. But don't want chaos. Let's try... I am feeling such love for this mother. I threw biscuits around... They all are eating... Aaaaw! Even the baby monkey.... So so cute! Also, they get equally scared of human... I have one more biscuit left... I feel like giving it to them... Though I also feel hungry.... It's alright... Let me feed back them. I would eat something later...

I should have divided it and then thrown.... One of them showed his teeth... 

Also, suddenly, there are so many monkeys on the terrace... So many of them... Hoping for more... Even another baby monkey hopping around... He is so adorable... I don't want them to destroy my plants... I scolded one when he was trying to eat the leaves and he actually hopped away... Ha ha! Adorable! I think, I can trust them... Though slowly slowly... It would take me time... And it would take them time as well... That's an all together new breed of animals that I wish to get comfortable with... 

For now though, they don't scare me... Specially when they show their teeth - even if to each other! 

One of my plants is missing. It was the only succulent I had... I had planted it along with aloevera... It is nowhere to be seen.. I don't think that it was edible as well... God knows where it went...  Must be these monkeys... 

But hey! Thanks to them, my attention got diverted from my own issues and shifted entirely upon their jumpy energy! So cool know!!! 

Today too, there would be another Holi festivity! It's cultural day again... This time, so far, the crowd is less. Thankfully, a lot many girls and kids as well... That usual lusty gunda kind of crowd is thankfully missing... But also, the needed energy! The best Holi I had even was after second lockdown.... I guess in 2021... When there were mostly locals... The energy was simply different... Also, there were numerous events... That went on for two weeks... So many fagun satsangs... Pushkar people surely know how to live colorfully and celebrate everything!!! 

Though, back then, there were hardly any girls and that was one issue I had... Why were girls not given enough space to come out and enjoy... Now though a lotany teenage girls and even outsiders are there... It's good to see the change... 

Stick dancing is my favorite. Last to last year, I had simply not participated for I no more wished to be the only girl dancing amidst all boys and also, I was working on my book and was in more of a detached mental state... This time, if they would include me, I would love to be a part of it... Let's see. Would go check... If I would feel involved and enjoy it; would do that... 

I just need one friend here. One friend to dance with... Someone full power like me... Boys and girls don't talk openly when it comes to Pushkar's culture. And I ofcourse have no outside friends... It seems more of a performance I stead of celebrating when you dance alone in an event... And one tends to enjoy more when there be one more person or rather a group participating in an event together!!! I do wish to be happy and enjoy.. but not for the heck of it...not just for the viewers to see...more to live the moments in their entirety... 

The baby monkeys are so naughty... They are playing around and both the mumma monkeys have taken a breath of relief... They know that their kids are safe and playing... They too are relaxing... However, animals are way better than humans... The male monkeys always stay beside - protecting their families... In humans though, father's feel that they can go free and do anything once they have given birth... As if providing resources be the only thing that a family needs... No! It's time, it's love, its support, it's guidance as well... Males in our country hardly get raised properly... They have such hollow egos, are often given unnecessary priveledged just because they be males, hardly taught any basic things like cooking or cleaning or anything with which they can take care of their own selves or others, and still given such powers without them knowing how to make us of them! It just doesn't make any sense... 

I never want to get married... Seriously... I don't like the quality of males around... They all seem shallow to me... Or these days there be a new breed... The feminine ones... They on top of all those things are even moody and need princess treatment like women... Weird... They couldnt acquire the positive traces... Instead they got the negative ones...it is all the more difficult to handle these ones... Imagine, negative traces of both the genders... Women be no good either... Deep in they stay patriarchal, and on top, they have become some kind of feminists... They abuse that term and the power on the name of it.. the softness is lost and so has the charm and love that comes along with it! 

Guess, the monkeys are leaving!! Now, when we are done with our time!! Lol! Cute.. today, so many monkeys accompanied us.... I couldn't even finish a single mug of coffee! I am also, a bit sleepy probably today... I am not used to waking up to alarms at all...but here I am... Sleeping at night these days and waking up early with alarms... As if I have a job... Lol... But it is quite refreshing... Didn't know I had it in me.. to wake up each day with a simple alarm... That was seriously an impossibility throughout my life... But now, even that is getting possible. I feel responsible and grown up!!! 

Alright my love!!! Catch you tomorrow.... 

Loads of love!

Mmmuuuaah!!! 

..........

March 8, 2025

8 A.M.

Hey my love! Good morning! 

Sorry, it's 8th today and I had wished you the date yesterday! Anyway, happy 8th my dear 8. 

I am still not dressed for terrace. Woke up a bit late and was still sleepy to hurry up... 

My neighborhood aunty in the building beside is waking her daughter up calling her guddu! My mom used to call me by that name back in my childhood. I saw her dream today... And weirdly, I had two dreams today and in both of them there were excess of chole bhatoore... Somewhere, I was buying them for my entire clan, somewhere I just couldn't have enough of them... Ha ha! I have woken up weirdly full and hungry at the same time. I crave Dilli waale chole bhatoore... 

I talked about everything irrelevant yesterday but one very important thing... I had a magical dream last morning where there were so many rainbows... Not only the sky was filled with atleast two fully formed rainbows but also there was a bill-boards equally colored in rainbow colors! Also, there was some school's playground where I was trying to plant a kadipatta plant... And few more things... It ended with some unknown lover touching my feet out of love... It was crazy... I was so touched with it all that I had noted down my dream as soon as I had woken up... Would share the note with you later .. 

Even in today's dream, there was a massive beautiful bike which maybe my cousin or some guy was riding behind whom I was sitting - going for more chole bhatoore... Lol... 

Wanna go to the terrace? I have even washed a jacket or two - to dry them upstairs.... Thing is, so much that my energy got everywhere yesterday that I am not feeling like spreading again..  

Well, let's just be here for a while, and then we would go upstairs as well! 

I had a super splendid day yesterday...so many people came on their own to talk to me... So many simply shared their life story... Also, that I was dressed to impress with even a slight make up upon my skin! 

It felt nice to interact with others again... Also it felt nice to be trusted with their deep most feelings by others!  In my regular cafe the owner and his brother - both shared their future plans and past life story.... In the neighborhood cafe, a child came in his own and spent quality time with me - we sketched together, gave each other greetings cards, he spoke with such innocent love, and we made ganeshas together... He reminded me of Gonzalo from Manali. Also, that he too was 5 years old... Oh, I clicked myself again last evening. Would share the pics over here... And I ate a lot... 

I am about to get down...like it should have already happened yesterday..  but one or two days up and down are fine.. but a week before that I get super hungry..  and two days before that, I get super thirsty, and ofcourse bloating and all are part of it... 

So, wanna go upstairs? Let's! 

Let me wear something larger and fuller! Lol, reminded me of that child again... Because I was in a speghetti and trousure, he suddenly said, 'toone kuch pehna kyun nai hai?' lol... And mid conversation, he opened my hair and said, 'aapke baal kitne achche hain... Inhe khole rakho.. aap aise achche lag rhe ho...' oh, I literally blushed... He literally held my hair in his hands and wanted a picture along with him holding my hair... And he too wanted to make ganeshas same like Gonzalo and said random things as if he already knew everything about everyone! 

It was really divine and refreshing to meet with him. 

His name is Dhairya and he lives in just the neighborhood cafe... 

Oh, another guy texted me yesterday suddenly and randomly at whose guest house I had stayed at - here in Pushkar, years ago... He asked for forgiveness for his past conduct... Said that I should consider him a son or a brother and forgive me... I was shocked... Also because he is quite elder to me... I told him that he shouldn't say such things for he is elder than me and making me feel ashamed... Also that I mentioned slightly how he had misbehaved but alongside thanked him for only then that I got something better in my life! He didn't text back... God knows what was his trip! 

Oh, I talked on phone with my very good friend living in Mumbai... It had been few days. He always inspires me to be better in music and to keep performing, keep on playing. Also, his humour simply refills life energy with me... It must have been for half an hour that we talked, but it felt nice... I had listened the entire day to so many people...but with Sam, that I simply spoke... Went on.. until, it was time for both of us to go!

O.k, now let's go up. I also need to get these clothes dried up. And I miss the Sun! 

Yo! We are upstairs! Everything taken care of... I told you about that missing succulent know. It seems somebody took it intentionally, because I just noticed that there is no hope of plucking it out. The soil is pretty smooth there. 

The entire day I keep on thinking what all would I like to talk to you about the next morning... But when we finally meet, something all together different gets discussed... May be, even the souls experience the same in each life time... Like they take birth planning to live a certain way, deal with certain souls, do certain things... And then when they take birth, either get swayed in the illusion of it all or something else turns up all together surprising both divine and their life lines - and we call it choice or destined! Fascinating! 

Oh something super amusing happened last night. People here be so stingy and chindhi... So the new neighbour cafe I went to, an aunty takes care of the cash counter there... I ordered a parauntha... Because some other chef made it and a bit bigger than their usual size, she charged me extra for it was bigger than usual... Itna chindi kaun hota hai... 50 paise ke aatte ke liye 10 rs. Extra le lo... Not just that, she said that her large tea costed more than what she charged the last time... So she charged me 20 extra for the last time I was there... And even the tea I had yesterday, was rather more or less finished by that child for I was sitting with him... So I paid triple the price for half the thing... It wasn't about money...it was more about this fitrat and stinginess... It matters to me, whose cooking goes into my system... For their emotions get consumed by me... I don't really want to be that shallow or stingy... Anyway, I paid and came back... Feeling weird about the entire deal... How do people reach that level of begging while they run such stable places!!! Guess, one should have a bigger heart than resources... Dil bada hona bahaut zaroori hai... 

But otherwise too, I have noticed people around to be really greedy and stingy oftentimes... They would do anything to get even trivial amount extra which simply doesn't matter. Nobody turns rich or poor with that amount. 

I am slightly hungry now. Wanna have biscuits... Could have brought chaach or something upstairs... But have only brought water bottle... 

Today the entire Pushkar would stay closed. Even the Holi festivity has been stopped for two three days because of some tragedy that happened in Pushkar. 

Aah! I just noticed so many birds here on my terrace. They are different from usual .. black and brown... Slightly bigger than sparrows... Quite lean in their stature... They look like models and have a chirping of birds.   So elegant, so melodious... 

This too fascinates me... How various birds have various kindsof sounds... Like there be one specific kind of white bird here. It's super massive with a yellow beak and a bag like body part hanging below her throat... When this kind of birds fly, oh they look simply spectacular... Even larger than eagles... They can fly, they can swim, they make crazy aligned formations .. but their voice is worse than even ducks or crows .. they simply sound hourse!!! And then there be few birds, who might be so small, few not even easily seen like those tiny ones chirping at 4:27 AM back in Manali, or here these brown and black birds... But they be so melodious... So much so that the make life worth it... 

Here in Pushkar, there is another breed of birds.. they be blue in color with long beaks and look simply ethereal and magical... They look a bit like honbills probably... Not sure of the name... Also, their beaks match oodpackers... But they be divine on their own... Turquoise, purple in their feathers... So swift in their flight... And they take an air drive suddenly till the surface of lake, fish or hunt or pick something and then fly up again... Their swiftness hardly let's anybody capture them... But I feel as if I would have a magical day, the day I see them... 

Let's have biscuits now... 

I even forgot to get my airpods this morning... And last evening I even told the worker in the neighborhood cafe that he plays pretty emotionally charged songs... I said casually in a way he won't mind... But ofcourse, he didn't play his music loudly today... So, we don't have any music .. but the chirping of birds is great! It is also thankfully less noisy around today... The entire Pushkar shops are meant to remain closed till evening... 

Society as a group also functions as an individual at times - when it strikes together against something, or raises it's voice. It's just fascinating - how everything and anything be a miniscule of macrosclule of similar kind of being .. as if, each carries the entire ocean or universe with in... Yet each forms an ocean or universe together. 

Oh, day before yesterday, in the Holi event, I had after probably my teenage, been brave enough to go outside in two plaits.. plus, I was wearing a tee-shirt with a cat printed upon it. A guy literally said 'Meaaow' to tease me; to which I spontaneously exclaimed, 'achcha?' he smiled, I smiled and it became a sweet moment. 

Last evening, I went out in a blue trousure and white speghetti with my hair tied in a bun and few bangs bringing in that cute element .. I think... It would be fun to dress up each day a bit differently... 

For different attires, surely make one even feel differently... Like, in two plaited pig-tails that I felt super cute and girly... And yesterday, I felt pretty classy and hot... It surely matters - the colors, the hairstyle, the texture - all that of your attire..  it surely impacts one's mood and confidence and how one feels within... Also, it is the same vice-versa.. like, you would dress up only if you would feel good from with in... Or would naturally come out to be pretty when you be happy and smily and the joy twinkles in your eyes naturally... So all that matters!  Yet, even dressing up externally can massively help you feeling good within! 

Alright my love! Catch you tomorrow. Don't know if any of our conversation was of any substance today or not... I was still pretty sleepy when we met... 

Now though, I feel fully awake!!! 

Catch you tomorrow yo! 

Loads of love for you .. 

Mmmmmmmmuuuuahhhh!!! 

...............

March 9, 2025

8 AM

Hey my love, 

A v. Good morning... Right along with morning sun beams entering my room. I am still not dressed for terrace. Though, I did woke almost an hour back... Actually 45 minutes! It's the first time ever that oiled my hair first thing in the morning!!! Alright!!! What would you like to have this morning??? Guess, simply water should be enough... 

Do you know I have I.B.S... any stressful situation of wrong food or questionable water - immediately triggers my I.B.S... Past several meets, each time Shree came and fought with me, my I.B.S. or cough got triggered. This time it can be bacause of water or I don't know... But ya, usually, I get diarrhoea, but this time I am constipated. Both feel rather hell!!! So I feel pretty bloated since yesterday. Also, the energy level gets massively impacted with both. Imagine either losing all that you have inside or feeling like you are carrying a mountain round your stomach. Both are pretty tiring... 

Aah! So many neighbours are talking in my guest house today. Wait! Let's just go upstairs. Give me a minute. Let me dress up for the same. After all, I oiled my hair to be sun-bathed. 

Alright yo! Here we are on terrace! All dressed. I could have brought any of the snacks or even an aloo pattie with chaach, but I guess, it's too early to eat much... Maybe later when I would bing watch. 

Yesterday, till half the end I had numerous eating and drinking supplies in my room... But later because the entire Pushkar had to stay closed till evening, and I was done with all I had by early afternoon, I spent the entire afternoon and evening feeling pretty hungry!!! 

So later on, I went out and bought endless things ... Not like Pushkar would get closed again... But I just don't like lacking atleast basics... 

I went a bit overboard though... But glad about it.... No matter how many snacks that I buy, I usually finish them all in a single night... Regardless of quantity. So not much remains in the room.  

Even at home that I do the same. If I like a dessert kept in fridge, I would finish it all in a single night. Then I get scolded by mom for I eat even others' shares if I don't realise at times... 

But my brother takes his revenge anyway. When mom makes something nice, he doesn't leave me any of it... And mom likes to feed him and sees me as a burden always .. anyway, I hardly visit home.... God! Things get stored in our system!!! 

Specially petty things impact me a lot. 

Oh, btw, I started a Turkish series last morning, for I couldn't go anywhere and was bored of doing the same old... Just wanted to engage somewhere with all my attention! And Turkish serieses are literally my weekness. They be so so engrossing that you would forget the world for next few hours or even days.. until your eyes get tired and you sleep on your own... I find them really intoxicating... And that's why I had been avoiding begining any new series for past several months now... I get into a Turkish series when I really really have to escape reality. Like, when I be at home, or else, when I feel extremely bored and sad. 

Yesterday though I just got into it. Just like that. Simply felt it. Was bored of bollywood as well. Had never been much into bollywood. Yet, it keeps me aware every once in few years to stay updated with what's cooking in my country... Afterall, movies be the biggest mirror to society... This time, I found a lot much made on women empowerment, education, dealing with poverty, possibility of randommost relations at the name of modernism and such... It seems as if India has not evolved, instead is rather going further backward from stone age! And just look at the divide .. plus, a lot much seems specially designed to spoil the remaining morals. Unnecessary abusive language, criminal ideas you never had... And so... Hell, even I got inspired to try my luck in a sort of potluck once... Then I remembered how much I am against any sort of betting... And that was that... 

Sometimes, I do wonder about all these notions of good and bad... And so they really matter... And how much that factors like money, power, religion, cast, position etc. overpower them.... 

Historically speaking, I respect my country a lot... But the way it seems to be developing is not really development as per me... But still, I feel grateful for the freedom that this country provides as compared to so many other countries... Everything has its pros and cons after all... 

So anyway, in this new turkish series, a guy gifted his girl her favourite flowers... Rather each time he went to meet her, he ensured to bring her flowers... I was touched and also got a bit nostalgic... Remembered my entire teenage and early youth... When chivalry still seemed alive around me... My favourite flowers were orchids then... They always made me feel super special and loved... Specially those with purple and turquoise color in them.... I used to get bouquets and bouquets of flowers not just on my birthdays,but even otherwise... Also a lot many roses... But my favourite were orchids... And only the special people in my life knew about it and used to gift it... 

Growing up though, made me fall in love with wild-flowers... I find them pretty and strong for they survive regardless of whatever season or weather, care or no care and are enough on their own... 

Just watching that series, reminded me that I still miss and really love orchid flowers! 

The Sun these days gets quite intense right in morning. Like, right now, my entire back in burning - so hot that it feels - the sun beams. I am not even wearing a jacket to have an added layering... Anyway, that that... I specially come for that. A little Sun is essential for body, mind, soul and spirit. And these days, I am learning the value of that. It's surely healing and uplifting my spirit.

Today onwards, Holi celebration would resume again... Today, stick dance would begin... I really love doing that. People around all seem excited about it... 

Care for a candy? I have Pulse and juicy jelly... I have really become a kid again it seems... There be days of two pig-tails... And there are weeks of hogging upon candies again... 

Also, that it helps me control my smoking habit... For my mouth remains occupied with some flavour that I really like... 

I have noticed a specific beetle that flies upon my rooftop. Not sure if you call it a bug or a beetle. It's black and yellow in color. Is around 1/3rd of my finger in size and flies around with a buzz...I meet it everyday on terrace and even sometimes, downstairs... I just know that it is the same... And whenever that we meet, it hovers around me - ensuring that I realise its presence. 

Aaah! I had to seek some shade. It was getting unbearable - the heat... Here it is surely better. 

And Pulse feels great and refreshing early morning. Almost like having a glass of aam panna. 

Pushkar is increasing in number of people... Lot many are coming over for Holi celebration... They come for just these days and enjoy much more... For nobody knows them... So no rules or judgements apply to them... Plus, they have their own circles... 

Though I like being a loner... Yet on special occasions, sometimes I fantasize, having some cool ass friends - with pure souls, willing to live life fully with me... I look into my past... A few come to my mind... But I guess, it has remained my life time fantasy , ever since childhood - to have a specific kind of group of friends... All with pure hearts, no melo drama, easy going, loving, creative, full of life energy - willing to live life to its fullest... Creating songs or doing things together... May it be art, celebration, work or adventures... 

Alright my love.. I know I went pretty everywhere and nowhere today in our conversation... But I didn't do much yesterday and not much is going on in my head today... 

Catch you tomorrow though... 

Loads of love for you. 

Mmmmmmuuuuuahhhh....

............

March 10, 2025

8 A.M. 

Good morning meri jaan! 

A sleepy goodmorning. 

I did manage to get up again, even freshened up, but am still back on my bed. Just feeling sleepy today. Thing is, I do get up each morning on time these days for our dates, but don't really sleep on time at night... Nor do I sleepy during noons these days. So, I am unable to be feel completely active... My I.B.S. and sleep deprivation together make me feel disinterested and uncomfortable these days... So today, I would surely sleepa much as I would like... And that's why avoiding any change... Don't even want to leave my bed. Though, I know I would be quite awake in some time and would wonder why did I even mention all this to you... Lol... 

Oh, I am in a pink alter neck top with military green shorts ... Feeling pretty vibrant and hot upon my white sheets and early morning Sun visiting the Sun ... Few moments are beautiful in their simplicity.... Last night, the same room seemed so dry and hot suddenly, that I had to literally pour mug full of water upon floor - just to get the room's moisture back and also to cool it a bit down... 

I did have some v. Important dream... It was so crucial that I wanted to note it down middle of sleep... As I was thinking about jotting down just two three lines of the basic solution or healing (that my sub-conscious mind so clearly stated in my dream); that I realised how I rather wishes to note down the entire dream... You know how much one can be lazy middle of sleep... My another conscious mind was like, come on, now I would have to write the entire dream... That would simply destroy this lovely sleep..and while deciding if to note down or not and how much to note down, that I went back to sleep and now I don't remember even a single bit of it...human mind is pretty fascination, isn't it??! It keeps on processing... And we have numerous bodies at the same time... Visible or subtle or even that which can't be seen... How we continue jumping across dimensions, even divas, who knows even time.... 

Aah! It's difficult to stay awake today...

 Specially because I am on bed... It just become too much of a hassle to change, then go upstairs.... And even the Sun has become pretty agressive these days.. It becomes intollerably hot right in morning... But I do miss the rooftop at the same time... It has almost become my sanctuary. 

Maybe, I should eat or drink something to stay awake and aware!!! But I am also afraid to be further bloated... 

Oh, something funny happened last evening... My crocs got stolen! I couldn't believe someone would pick up those worn out crocs... I don't know why but I felt weirdly relieved the moments I realised that this time they were really gone...well, in each Pushkar trip, someone steals my crocs atleast once from Pushkar ghaat... I had been a bit too attached with these one.... And would you believe...the more I was trying to protect them, the more that someone was intentionally playing with my emotions... Just recently they were misplaced four or five times... Imagine you remove your shoes somewhere each day and each day that you get a shock to not find them there but somewhere all together different... I even tried so many different locations... One can't wear footwear while doing parikramas... Usually no body takes footwear here... Until one really wants to tease or torture you.... This time ofcourse I had that immature Shree to tease me... Something in my is also relieved that even if he did it, that loser didn't realise that now it would be difficult for him only to identify if I was out for parikrama or not... Those crocs were becoming my signature or identification... Now that chepad won't even come to know if I would be out... It would help me remain incognito.... 

Or else, it could also have been another eve-teaser that I scolded just last evening right after leaving those crocs at a place... This guy is a nobody and I just don't feel respect for him... Each day that he calls out my name... Just my name... No salutation, no nothing... Just because he knows my name that he calls out my name... Yesterday, I scolded him saying, 'Problem kya hai aapki? Samajh nai ata ki nai baat karni..' and left... I had ignored him couple of times in past... Yet... These uneducated morons...who don't leave any opportunity to eve-teaser... And ofcourse same like all losers his ego must have got hurt.. so he could also have thrown or hidden my crocs somewhere... 

You know, my intuition was telling me... And therefore I even changed my footwear twice last evening... But my pink crocs were matching with my pink kurti and the other day someone had intentionally torn them from behind, so I was like, who would pick these torn worn out crocs now... Ofcourse someone wanting to hurt you... 

I don't know why I rather felt relieved and happy.... I was even feeling ashamed of wearing those worn out crocs but they were so so comfortable and I just wanted to stretch using them till Holi... For they were of plastic and could have been really great for Holi.... Just yesterday was I thinking, it really doesn't suit me wearing such shabby footwear... After all, our footwear says so much about our personality... But they were comfortable for my feet and you can't buy such crocs around... They can only be bought in Himachal... I have around four spare crocs kept back at home... Here I had got only one pair

..  but they had to go... 

And if incase someone really stole it

.. I thought how needy the person must have been to even pick such worn out shoes... I felt rather sympathetic for that person... 

Anyway, they were meant to go... And crazily, I felt relieved about it... Rather even sang a happy song while making my way back... As if my mind was already ready to bid them farewell!!! 

Oh, I had a nice Ekadashi Satsang last night.... Generally my sleep schedules remain different, so it is easier to remain alive and active the entire night... These days though, I sleep on time at night and wake up early... And last night I was a bit too sleepy... But the power of bhajans be that much that even someone totally battered gets really charged up... Music has that quality about it... Specially devotional music... And they all feel like my soul family; even if we hardly talk much... We all collaborate and create together... And that always gives me immense joy... Those hours simply fly by... Generally I keep even my eyes closed... And then sing on... But I read somewhere recently that one should never keep their eyes closed in temples.. that all statues, even paintings of Gods have power of Gods in them and Gods bless up through those eyes... And when we close our eyes, some of that power faild to reach us... It's quite natural to me though to keep my eyes closed oftentimes... I do most of the things from my heart and when I really do anything heartfelt, my eyes get automatically closed and my hundred percent attention goes into doing whatever that I be doing.  May it prayer or a song or love or what not... Though, these days I am trying to keep my eyes open when I pray in temples or yesterday even during satsang... It gets a bit difficult to concentrate like this for my mind looks around and gets distracted with what others be doing or what must they be thinking and so... 

I finally got down last night as I returned... I was rather relieved... Ekadashi went well without any traces of it... And both Holi and Full Moon have few days in between... By then, I would get a green flag!!! Nice yo! Full power!!! 

And therefore, now I am no more hungry as well... So much kept in my room.... All I wish is to be empty and my lean self again... Lol... Hormones know! They play such vital role in one's moods and being!!! 

Though, I still munch and snacks every now and then even otherwise... Out of habit... Food is a kind of comfort and joy... Isn't it? Not excessively so for me... I am not much of a foodie... But every now and then, when my hormones run free... I love to dive into anything and everything for it makes me happy!!! 

In this turkish series that I am watching, they ask each other for tea or coffee so many times that I sitting here crave more for it... Even if it is has got quite hot here... Coffee is a no go these days for me... I weirdly do crave tea... Yesterday, I skipped going to any cafes... Didn't get time and was just not sure where to go... By night I was literally craving a good mug of tea!!! Thankfully, before I left, a nice person made a superb cup of tea after satsang... A good teacher really makes my day... I have never been much of a tea person... But I really value a good cup of tea so much... I feel grateful and simply respect any person or cafe way more... I too make really good tea... But I don't like making it for myself... It used to give me real joy whenever mom found it satisfactory or liked it... And later whenever that I made tea for others, everybody liked it... I was never into tea myself then... Now though, I don't like making tea for myself.... If I make something milky, I go for coffee.... But whenever that someone makes good tea, I feel so so thankful... I really value it... 

My favourite kind is 'chai patti kam, adrak zyada' 😅 with black pepper if possible and well boiled... When I make it I even use laung and daalcheeni but ofcourse one can't expect it in cafes... Oh, I don't accept it... Rather always say that I am not a tea person.. but I do love tea... Not excessively so... But when I travel or whenever I am outside... Atleast one tall cup of tea makes life worth my while... 

I never ever go for tea back home... Mugs full of coffee day and night that I get indulged in there... But outside, I just adore tea... Weird know!!! I know! I am weird... So are my tastes and preferences.. 

It gets so  hot these days right in morning time... Kahan mai pahadi aatma... My laptop is still synced too Manali's temprature.

. There be days when it shows snowfall there, when I feel rather out of breath over here... It was zero degrees yesterday over there when I was doing a jugaad of splashing my room's floor with water to ensure room's humidity balance... 

It's nice though to wake up on time though these days... It's all thanks to you my 'Mighty Eight'... Thank you for healing me... For being such a positive force in my life... You have really done something that I could never do earlier in my life... Waking up on time... And for the first time that I am even liking this... It's not stopping my creative flow or anything... I am feeling as creative rather valuing it enough to put efforts into it. Thank you. Really. I am grateful to you... 

Hey! Wanna have something? See... I told you right that my sleep would be gone... Now I feel quite awake... Can hog for pleasure... Can do anything... Rather now it feels like a date... 

It takes time I guess to fully wake up... I feel still a bit dazed... 

Thank you for being so beautiful dear Eight. Thank  you for the morning Sun.. thank you for the chirping of birds... Thank you for these simple pleasures like a clean bed in a clean room... Thank you for sharing these flavours of my random cravings met smoothly so gratefully too... Thank you for empowering me to face shallow ones... Thank you to inspire me to be better! 

I love you. 

This time I really mean it so. 

Thank you. 

You are beautiful. And sensible too.. 

Have a great day yo! Catch you tomorrow..

Love you! 

Mmmmmmuuuuaaahhhh

........

March 11, 2025

8 A.M

Hey love! A very goodmorning! I woke up just 2 minutes ago. Somehow forgot all about waking up while snoozing my alarms! 

Just give me 3-4 minutes to wash up my face and stuff! Else, I doubt that I would be able to last much. Still, super sleepy.

Actually, I do need this sleep. I don't know how I am managing to wake up each day and still sleep late. I need mid day power nap or half a day sleep after our meet.

O.k then... I am finally washed up and feel fully awake... Oh my dream Eight! I had one of the best days yesterday.... Went to an all together new cafe with a spectacular view and great tea... The vibes were simply of peace there and foreigners too seem super kind and nice... A lady specially offered to click and those foreigners even ensured to not waste food, rather, they got it parceled. Also, that I could work upon my latest work there. It felt really nice to be somewhere new. As if, I suddenly remembered how much I value changes and new places. It was just nice. Also, I could see three four aarti ceremonies together. There was also a special aarti I was invited to last evening. I really really wished to be there but couldn't go because I am down! There must be a reason why I got down exactly during these days of festivity... 

Oh, I bought three new clothing items last evening. My first clothing shopping in past few months honestly... One red top and two shrugs... I don't know if I randomly wasted my money or if they would be worth it... But I was simply bored of wearing the same old and really needed new clothes... I had nothing much suitable to wear for Holi events... 

Oh ya, Holi celebration finally resumed last night... I knew about it but had almost given up hope for even till 8:30, no body was seen on road... It all began at 9:15 P.M. The dhols, the drums, the dandiyas, the fun... Oh, I played with sticks after three years!!! It felt great... This year no guys misbehaved just because I am a girl...nobody even judged... They all welcomed me, and played along so respectively... Pushkar has really evolved... Finally, kids were there... Even girls and few ladies were there... Though, a lot many locals seemed missing. Without them that super sonic vibe too wasn't there. A nice host was missing.... Yet the event was good. I enjoyed for I participated... Round and round dancing with sticks... Oh, btw, a kid hit upon my finger with his stick by mistake.... It began to bleed a bit and got swelled. I was afraid what if it was a ligament tear of a bone issue... You won't believe, twice that the stick fell out of my hands... The grip had become a bit loser... There was vibration till my entire arm... It took way more strength to hold the sticks... But I managed... Even with trembling arms... Even when I thought that my finger was gone...

I saw couple of people who had become my friends specially because of Holi. There was one super handsome and nice person with whom nothing had happened, but they eye contact and later massive texts talks were really sweet. It was such an innocent and old school kind of attraction from both sides that it became a cherished memory back then. I had even written about him in my book. But we grew out of contact. Rather, two years back I didn't even play dandiya, rather judged everyone around... Oh, it felt great to be back... And several faces had got acquainted to me because of Holi itself years ago. It felt nice to dance again. It felt great to be a part of something... 

I guess, I can even teach you the code for stick dance... So the beats be of 4... Slow or fast - the tempo keeps on changing... But the beats be 4... So, 1 front bang,  2 self, 3 behind tap, 4 self... And the cycle goes on... Try it and you would ace it... 

So they play a particular rhythm in various tempos as people go in circles dancing on... And suddenly that they play free dhol and everyone plays free then... They jump, they dance, they flaunt... 

It's simply such a celebratory vibe... Everyone lives and dances and seems fully alive..

It's an amazing way to synergize... One, where the happy energy of all fuses together and create a new reality... A better timeline with content and happy souls...

Aah! I can't keep my eyes open

It's good though. I am surely planning to sleep more today after our meet... 

And later, I would go to an all together new cafe. Somewhere I have never been to before! 

Need to work upon another story book I need to publish... I had begun it in Manali... Got great raw material that was around the same theme here in Pushkar.. So, I built on that! 

And it not an entire novel or something... It's around 60-70 A5 size sheets... I can't write any more from real life in it. I hardly carry my past with me... I can probably weave in imagination... But it also feels complete... Just in proportion that it came out... 

Though, I have always judged people focusing more on problems than solutions... Or books and movies dragging on the trajedies in a protagonist's life and suddenly that there be divine justice for it..and that's it... Years of pain shown and suddenly one fine day things suddenly get better. It feels weird... As if you be close to someone and then suddenly made to part up without much closure... 

Well, the books seems simply enough. I don't want to drag on... 

Yet, would surely give it one more go today... And convert it into a proper book... 

My eyes are shutting on their own out of sleep. It's good and bad both... Good to resume my sleep later on... Bad for our talk right now... 

Hey love, wanna share a glass of chaach? Let's! 

Yo!!! Doesn't it feel refreshing... Superb and nice... I just love chaach... It has become really hot here in Pushkar. Would you believe the temprature has become 36 degrees in noons... 

Unbelievable know! 

Oh, something totally unbelievable happened last night while watching that turkish series. I am watching the urdu dubbed version of it.. guess, what has they named their cat... It was Pompom... I too had a pup called Pompom who was super super super close to me. I was astonished to find someone naming their pet the same... I mean what were the odds... I got emotional for a moment...pompom was just like my kid... Oh, how much that I miss him! 

It was really one of the most difficult things I ever did in my life. Parting with him. Yet it was crucial. Sometimes, love has to be tough. You even need to part up with the one you love. If it be better for him. Love is never about attachment or holding suffocating someone with your presence. It's about ensuring that the other one stays happy and loved and lives the best possible life - with or without you. I do miss him. But I know that he is safe and happy and that's what makes it worth it. 

Yet, any mention of his name; and I still get emotional..I do miss him. Movies of dogs make me cry... Thankfully it was a cat in the series and there was not much attached to her. She was simply meant as a cute presence in the program. But the name. Aah! It couldn't have been a coincidence.. I always felt proud of that name. Thought it was so different and unique... Ha ha... 

Artists and writers think that they belong different in their creations... Yet nothing around is ever new... Each and every idea, word, thought has already been created... It already exists... We simply manifest some repeated version of it. 

The water cycle is the best example of it. We too are repeated. Everything in nature keeps on repeating itself... Going through the cycles of Bhramma, Vishnu, Mahesh... And we feel as if we have created something never done before... 

Consciousness creates everything much before it comes   actually into existence...  The very idea originates because it already exists somewhere... 

There was a story in one of the puranas... Where Lord Ram's workers were digging Ayodhya for some construction work and suddenly they found a sage underneath.... He was lost in deep penance... When woken up, Ram urged him to join him till his court... On being denied, Ram urged him to take atleast his ring as a gift before resuming his penance.. the sage smiled and accepted the offer. He kept his kamandal/brass bowl in front of him to leave his ring... And Ram found 32 exactly same rings like his in the kamandal. He was astonished. On being asked, the sage replied that that wasn't be first time that reality was being played in that way. That time keeps on repeating itself in loops. That it was rather 32 times before that the same ground got dug up, that Ram urged him to join him to his court and ultimately decided to gift him his gold ring... 

The sage was immortal and Ram got wisdom from him.... 

Isn't it astonishing. That's how de-ja-vous also function.. those things have either already happened and our consciousness remembers... Or they have happened to us in some other dimension and for those brief seconds - the timelines or dimensions get inter-looped like glitches and we get a glimpse of what is about to happen.. Quantum physics is really cool like that. And really amazes me! 

Alright my love! Let's catch up tomorrow. Though, I rather wish to stay on with you today... But yeah!!! Let's keep it balanced. Loads of love! 

Mmmmmmuuuuaaah 

And a happy, cosy embrace!!! 

P.S. I made a new friend last evening. Her name is Priyanshi. Yesterday for sure was an epic day. 

O.k. then. Loads of love. 

See you tomorrow. 

Mmmmuuuuah... 

..............

12.3.25

8 A.M.

Good morning yo! Woke up just few minutes ago. Have washed up and trust me it took the efforts of entire world this morning to get up, for I had slept just three hours ago and had to get up again... Well! As long as we are able to catch up!!! 

Yesterday was again superbly eventful. I did go to a new cafe, had a spectacular sunset, fell in love with the music of that cafe, wrote atleast three four new poems, made a new sketch and went to the market to buy my usual essentials... A lot many people spoke to me around... With such a positive energy. 

Came bach to change my top and freshen up... And finally went for stick dance (what I was waiting for the entire day) ... Danced from the very first round till the very last... For few hours!!! Even danced in the free play for a bit... Last night, there were uncountable people... 

Pushkar has become quite full... There are around four-five parties happening around this time... One of them is a three day long festival begining from 13th, i.e. tomorrow. They had already sold 9000 passes for that party - the last I checked.

There are so many options... Techno, psy-trance, bollywood, so on! Pushkar's Holi is world famous and it surely keeps it name on it... Although, my favorite holi here was seriously just with the locals... When everyone was celebrating after two years so was excited.... There were so many fagun satsangs... So much to do... Also that I was so much into bhakti back then and so connected to all that I felt got uplifted and one with everyone.... Joy when shared only increases and grief when shared usually decreses.... I had so many to share my joy with... It was almost divine... 

Though this time, I don't have as many connections... But I still simply feel connected to them.

. And it has over all been four years of I more of less living here... People by now know me, so they respect me and accept me and don't devalue me.... 

Oh, btw. I noticed one strange thing this time during dandiya... It has been two days of dance... Whenever I dance, wherever I dance... A long trail of kids join me from front... No matter where I join from and from where that I leave... I don't mind it. A lot of them are rather so good at it... I also feel that one can't learn without doing... Until people won't accept them in the circle, how would they learn.

Yet dandiya is all about sync

. And not every kid understands the tempo... Rather few adults also don't... It's for fun I know... But ofcourse anyone would want to be their best in anything, even if it be for only fun! 

So, I too miss a proper sync with adults.... There be these teeny tiny ones often skipping the best of getting confused.... Though many of them are really great at it, and I felt rather proud of them! 

Yet I missed adult companions on either sides... 

Though I was also thankful for the same to divine... For many adults are rather young guys filled with raw energy. They don't tap the sticks with love or like a dance. They instead attack with all their power. One of my arms has a rod and another too is no more used to carrying such stick and take repeated force... So by the end of it, both my arms hurt... Specially after getting my finger injured right on the first day; I think some nerve gets pressed now and the entire arm feels a pain which increases and becomes unbearable...

This also made me miss my gymming days... Along with being a great cardio, I actually uses to weight lift... 5000-6000 abs exercises each day...5-6 hours of daily work out... I even used to bench press with 60-80 kgs weight... I had proper 6 pack abs once... And look at me now... My arms gets tired of just holding two bamboo sticks for two-three hours!!! And I actually feel pain after playing dandiya with adults.... Though, a proper sync is all I desire... 

But it has been years from my gymming time... Though I still miss that body and self from that time... 

Now, I never be stable anywhere to work out... I have been long considering joining a gym again wherever that I go... 

Seriously my entire body is paining to day... Each and every cell... My nerves, my bones, my muscles... 

Can also be because, after dancing for so long... I still didn't come back home.

. So people here in Pushkar... Have another event post dandiya each night... They gather together and sing songs full of abuses... I never got the reason for this specific ritual.... I just don't like people abusing... The words burn my ears... Though once upon a time back in college, I too used to abuse so much... That was because of my company...and not knowing any better... Yet just the other day, I noticed three teenage girls - faces with full on make up and tongue full of abuses... Suddenly they seemed pretty ugly to me.. just because of their language... I thought of my own those two years... I must have been 22 or 23 I guess... I too used to abuse. It was simply a part of my language. Until Bangalore taught me better and travel honed me for the best. Now, I neither utter those words nor my ears accept them except extremely rare times when someone really deserves it... I feel words be but sound energy... Just like Mantras work, so do abuses... Anyway, all these people gather up at night, play an instrument called chaang and abuse full on with a proper tune... The songs get really cheap and it is mostly for the sake of opening everyone up... But they be sexual and illicit by nature and simply have abusive lingo... Last night, I did stay for half such song... My ears ofcourse filtered out the abuses in between... That I suddenly remembered - hey it was pradosh and my bhakti family must have gathered for a satsang... Rather than listening to these trashy vibes, I can actually go join my bhakti group and sing for divine! So I went... And we sang awesome holi bhajans till late night.... By the time I cleaned my room, took a bath, had dinner - it was morning and so I couldn't properly rest... 

Now my entire body pains and I hope atleast today I manage to get more sleep. It has been days that I sleep for much lesser hours than my usual and still go on during day... 

While talking with you, another thing that striked my mind... On the topic of sound energy... I mean, all these people be Brahmins... They actually study or practice for years to chant mantras and do all these rituals... They are born with that pious blood to be a mediator for rituals... Our voice has so much energy... Their abuses and singing together creating an abusive and cheap energy can have as negative an impact as the bang opposite of it - people having havan for good energy... 

I don't know the purpose of this ritual... But I just don't support it. Although, everyone was having fun and I hardly know that much of maarvaadi to really understand each and every line... And ofcourse no body needs to sit there and join..  they have their own rituals and everyone is free to do and be whatever... 

I just fail to connect this one ritual with a holy city like Pushkar.. 

But then, along with being a deeply religious and spiritual city - Pushkar has its vulgur side as well - with so many men lusting over women and foreigner roaming around almost bare as if it be a beach, regardless of the place's mentality... Rather there be few foreigner girls who specially dance in just two robes with the most lusty souls... But who am I to judge! I am just thankful that atleast girls can dance comfortably now in a group...

Living here in Pushkar has taught me so much about this male female dynamic of society or even in an individual... So many things need such massive work at the level of consciousness like males with their stupid hollow ego without even deserving to have it.. females even when given power simply misusing it for they just never had it and often have to use other means like grabbing attention with lower ways... There being an absence of balance between masculine and feminine hormones in each individual... There be an absence of liberal life or any evolved way of thinking! People be stuck in old brain conditioning... They carry statues upon their shoulders but insult other beings... Humanity is suffering so much and religion has missed its sync with spirituality... 

That if masculinity is about strength is protection! And one can protect others only with the femininity for only that has intention of protecting others... Otherwise strength is a mere display of raw power... And animals be much better at it. Even they don't attach anyone other than when they really need to hunt or when someone attacks them... But humans have a tendency to get into soany base level emotions like jealousy or ego or random hatred or unnecessary blames... 

A lot of them are angry at something else all together but take it out totally somewhere totally different... 

Women are either pedestalised or abused... Most of the men suffer with massive egos... 

People are still struck in their bodies... It's far off - the level of souls!!! 

I wish for a better society and better individuality. I pray for evolution of consciousness... I am thankful that I am aware and I observe.... Though, it gets a bit difficult to see a fly in food and swallow it... Though the lens of love can help one accept one and all as they are. But the real love actually hope for self and society to be better!!! 

Alright my love! Loads of love!!! 

Catch you tomorrow... 

Mmmmuuuaah! 

P.S. I did wear my new shrug for the event last night. Loved it's color.. and not sure about how I was really looking. But I felt quite pretty in it!! 

Alright yo! Love you!!! 

See you tomorrow. 

.............

March 13 2025,9;08

8:05 A.M. 

Good mrning meri jaaan! 

Aah! Just woke up. Unable to even open my eyes or type... 

Guess, I would have to somehow get up. My body seems totslly challanged though and I am still in dream world of some murder mystery where  someone killed his/her twin in a closed knit washroom after returning home after 5-6 years from abroad... It was quite a weird dream. I even had flash backs of their life years ago as a family in the mind of the murdered... The good, the bad... I guess I was a neighbour in it. 

Let's chuck that dream. I don't think it is of any use. Except my mind entertaining itself in some weird way. 

O.k... just give me 5 minutes... Let me atleast wash myself to talk properly with you. More than extremely sleepy right now. Let me be back my love! 

Alright yo! I am back... 

Aah! Now I feel way more awake. Although my every atom pains... These days, each day is Pushkar is turning out to be even better than the last one... Simply perfect and top of the world..

 

Aah! I am still dazed between that criminal dream and one of happiest days (yesterday) here in Pushkar with best ever pre-holi celebration I ever had..

Have poured us a tall glass of chaach to be more awake! 

Aah! Too sleepy and it seems almost an impossibility to hold my phone with my arm (it's paining so much)... 

Well, yesterday was so different and totally a surprise gift. I got so extremely content with yesterday that I feel as I have already done all I could have done for Holi just in a single day - much before it actually happened...

These days I am literally surviving on three hours' sleep. It is only at our date's time that I feel this sleepy... And rest of the day, try as I may; it becomes an impossibility.. evening goes in celebration till night... Then some me time... And that's it. I sleep by early morning and struggle to wake up a bit for us... And the cycle repeats... Plus, so much of dancing with sticks is both giving jirks to each particle of mine; but also making it way stronger! Today though I feel a bit extremely tired and even a fusion of hot and cold... My skin feels cold, but my body feels the heat. Isn't it weird!! This combination... Wanna have a polo? It's minty! And refreshing. It would surely make us feel more awake and better! 

O.k. then! Guess we can talk about yesterday first... So, I was invited for a maha-aarti last evening and was expected to go an hour or more early to decorate the premise... We blew baloons with an electronic device and I interacted and chilled with them all as they did preparations for aarti... It felt cosy and cute... The aarti was a total spectacle with sudden gulaals, colored smokes in air... We kept on chanting, the show kept on enhancing... There were numerous kinds of drums... A large crown behind us... An energy boost, a core spectacle. Though that bhakti seems a bit compromised there... I don't know why but that depth I be able to attain only at the ghaat I usually go to... This one has so many politicians and more of a show... But I know, it was more organised for the occassion of Holi and the more the spectacles, the more sense come to the present and anything then becomes but a meditation!!! My issue was that gulaal in air began right from aarti, so it was quite difficult to chant and sing with so much dry gulaal in air... However, in few minutes - that all of it kind of grew on me... I felt so high in evengy that my feet raised me up and I felt like dancing on my own... Even after aarti the bhajans went on... We even sang Hanuman chalisa and ram stuti.... A guy applied red gulaal upon my face. He was the same one who had sung an extremely beautiful bhajan of Ram-Seeta vivaah just a few weeks ago in a satsang. To be colored by him first felt as if Lord Vishnu himself came and applied color upon my face... If not as Krishna, then as Ram. It felt amazing. It felt divine.. so much gulaal was being thrown in air along with colored smokes guns that there were so many times when everything became hazy and air had all kinds of colors... Red, pink, blue, green, fluorescent colors, turquoise, yellow, white.... It was so vibrant, so colorful.... And so much full of smoke and colors, that it all had an ethereal quality. Rather that's what helped me dance as well. When I changed my seat for a moment and suddenly realised that nobody was really visible in that much smoke and colors; I was like - nobody can see me, let's dance it out.... 

Oh, dear Eight I can't tell you how celebratory it all was. Would surely share few pictures... But can't really share the experience. It was all worth it, is all I can say. It was the first time ever in my life that I played a Holi much before it. Also, every Holi here in Pushkar, that I used to miss my own people. This time, I celebrated it with people I knew and oh, how beautiful and eventful!!! 

So beautiful I felt in those colors that I actually walked around and took care of all my work as it is.. Later took a quick shower and went for stick dance... 

Oh, a foreigner admired those colors so much on me that he wanted to take a picture for his page. And spoke a bit at length with me.. We talked about so many things... He hoped for me to be from Israel. Rather even spoke in Hebrew initially only to realise that I was actually from India. We interchanged our ideas about events and India... It was a nice meet up... 

Followed by I taking a nice, longer than quick shower - to rush for stick dance post that. It was the last day for it and I just didn't want to miss it! 

Dance initially wasn't as satisfying... Elder Guys didn't want to dance with me for I am a girl and I didn't want to dance with kids... Each time I changed my position to skip the kids, the others changed their position too and ultimately I found myself again and again with kids. I was trying to tell myself. That I shouldn't judge kids' performance and should rather focus upon how welcoming and accepting they be. But atleast on the last day I wished to have good sync with decent dancers on both sides... And I had already got hit by stick by mistake by a kid - right upon my head.... So, the first half became more like this Tom and Jerry game... My partners changed in each roundabout... It was in the second half that I found few old friends, even new ones who were all mature enough to be stable, soft and sync with me and beats... Oh, we all went on dancing at different tempos... It felt transcending. It felt amazing... I ensured to dance from beginning to end at each round... 

There were three consecutive rounds with the same two partners which were the best. One was my landowner who though didn't meet eyes but was simply superb at dancing. So energetic, so in sync...we never even spoke for more than two lines all these years of staying here... Yet we had a nice dance chemistry. And another was an old friend... He not only was caring with gestures like buying me water when I felt thirsty, remaing soft in his thumping upon my sticks and the most crucial - staying consistent and not bothering about society or that he was dancing with a girl. 

We have a history of few catch ups two-three years back. Rather, it was him who had given me the confidence and trusted me with his bike after years earlier.. I had rode his bike back in Ajmer years ago and that was my most cherished memory with him. Rather, it was with him that I had watched a movie in theatre a few years back and didn't get a chance to do it again all this while. Visiting theatres is no more part of my lifestyle. So that was again another memory with him. Dancing with him brought back all those memories... And the chemistry was sweet and caring. 

Not only that we danced together but even sat together later when dancing was done and bhajans began... It was when that other event with abusive songs was about to begin that I decided to take a leave and he offered to go out for a ride and a chai... We did go out... It was after a long time that I was on an actual night out... We went to two separate tea stalls... Oh and I finally rode a bike again on my own. Riding it was easy with both my fingers remembers the motor mechanics of it and him too ensuring to remind and teach it all to me... Where I faced an issue was starting a bike for somehow I was unable to let go of the clutch easily... And therefore there was one instance where the bike stopped and try as I might, I couldn't start it on my own... Well, I even kick started the bike last night... It was seriously fun... I was astonished to find so many awake... And dancing all these evenings, so many even recognised me... Not like I wanted to hide... There was nothing wrong between us. He is an old friend and I felt rather proud that he didn't mind who was looking at us... I didn't even feel judged. It was simply chilled out. The moments, the catch up. 

I get as if I had reached my college again - chilling at random road side tea stalls, talking about life and going for night outs... 

I came back quite late.. must be around 2:30 or 3... By the time I showered, cleaned my room,  had dinner and such, it was almost morning... 

Here we are. I still in the influence of my criminal dream and yesterday's happy memories... 

The entire day I remember so much that feel like sharing and discussing with you. It is only at the time of our meet that only the destined that gets shared here. 

I couldn't dance with people I had really connected with long back because of Holi; but I connected a bit with new ones. 

Time keeps on changing... So should we. Yet familiar people and places do give a kind of comfort and bring more joy for they have the intensity and memories of past times! Yet newness brings excitement and creates a kind of mystery... There was a guy with whom I had danced way more than others this time for the first two days. He too seemed to be liking it. But yesterday he suddenly dived off. That too after even exchanging a smile. That was weird. And that was that. 

Oh, please don't misunderstand me because all I am talking about is guys here. We do get impacted by people around us, right? And good or bad - they always impact our energy and the next day's thought process... 

To imagine, I danced in my slippers last evening. Thing is, I have got blisters both upon my palm and back of my feet with dancing so much along with sticks... Yesterday was the last day. I am gonna miss it. It was for these events specially that I had stayed on even for Holi.... Though, this time, it is more parties that are being emphasised upon... But honestly and soulfully, my best Holi was still only with the locals with numerous fagun satsangs, cultural events and days and days of dancing together. 

This till was special. I could jump in my history yet in an evolved perspective. Back then, I so wanted to be a part of Pushkar that I had tried changing myself. Along even religion and spirituality and so many good things that Pushkar taught me, I had even adopted it's conservative mindset and mentality... The next time post that, I was more recluse and needed a critical distance for I had realised that try as I might, I would never become a local and would always be treated as an outsider... But it was a good thing... For I could take the best parts of all and stayed way more free yet deep... This time, I could actually be myself... Rather that's what gave me more acceptance and love... When I stayed myself. For I stopped craving or looking for that and carried myself confidently as I am! 

My wardrobe looks so like my college days these days. Each day I get super confused about what to wear. Same like college. I have always been a kind of person who puts special value to dress up as per the occasion and as the place be.. 

Though I find more and more bare foreigners around these days...somehow, it suits them.. their body type is so that they still look pretty. I too am not a fan of much clothes. But I do respect my culture and environment and so do dress up... But that's one thing I adore about Goa..that I can be as bare and free of judgements there and be completely natural... These days, even here in Pushkar that I can see a glimpse of the same. Though, it feels weird to see that many polarities... On one hand the conservative mind-set, the insistence upon women covering themselves up and the other where foreigners roam around almost without any clothes and still accepted as they be. Reason can be because they be visitors and not really become a part of the society... 

It's still nice to see so many artistic pretty faces around. So many really chilled out and happy. 

Ok then my love... Would surely share the pictures of it all .. the happiest and most intense pre-holi celeb!!! 

Loads of love for you... 

Stay happy... Stay blessed. 

And seriously thank you

For being such a positive force in my life. 

For teaching me to better. 

For helping me realize - 

What really matters! 

Mmmmmmmuuuaahhh... 

..........

March 14, 2025

8 A.M.

Good morning meri jaan.. Wish you a very very Happy Holi from Pushkar. It's such a sunny day. It's a blessed day. Wherever you be in whichever timeline or dimension... May your life be full of colors. May it be full of love! 

I still need to dress up and go out to party ofcourse but ofcourse our date is crucial. But today we may keep it short. Let's see. 

O.k., so first of all, I finally managed to sleep during day. I so so needed it. My skin got better, so did my mind. But remember that dream I had last morning. May be that did impact my yesterday for lot many weird things happened. First I missed aarti. Anyway, I was on a time out. I needed a break. Not from aarti but from lot of events. I would have definitely gone to Bhramma ghaat for full moon's aarti for I absolutely love it, but I woke up late and needed some me time. The usual - to go to a cafe for a cup of chai and write few poems for my latest book..

But uff! The crowd that was there on streets last evening. Every step was choked with people. I tried to go to a new cafe first but it too was full of people. I had no choice but to go to the usual cafe of mine. Although, I had decided to never go there. For they are pretty greedy and stingy. Also, they made me wait last time for half an hour to 45 minutes for a simple cup of tea and still were pretty insulting when I got up to leave saying that they would need more time and I should probably leave. I don't understand the attitude of people around sometimes. Many are simply hot and cold which is pretty toxic. Anyway, last evening I had no choice. I just needed a space to sit and write for some time. And because I had spent numerous evenings there, I get my focus to write the moment I sit upon that chair. Well, Initially the cafe was empty and owner was respectful. Suddenly lot of people came. First they made me shift my table. Then they told me to leave. Even if I was sitting on the table for two and the cafe had got full. I wasn't even done with the tea. Even their mother came begging, 'we have just two days to earn. We would lose so much because of your single tea!' 

I left my tea as it is. And just when I got up to leave in anger that my slippers broke. That was pretty embarrassing. I left barefoot for even paid them less. I was really furious. 

Why do people lack basic ethics. 

And whatwould they do when someone else would come even after I left....and the table got booked. How much could they have earned in those extra ten fifteen minutes for which I would have sat. 

Anyway, my friend from Ajmer along with his friend from Jaipur were waiting for me just downstairs. First, I bought new slippers. Then we decided to go to a cafe that he really likes which is in the outer region. I just wanted to get away from all the crowd. Even that cafe was closed. 

Visited another cafe on a bit outskirt area of Pushkar. Coincidently it is only on or around that Holi that I reach that place with someone or other. Last to last year I was friends with some D.J. who had been playing there. Back then, I had really liked the place. This time though, the food was really bad. And music too was hardly given any value. There were a lot many foreigners around and a few judgemental indians... I also saw a group of super handsome indian men.. but that's when had to converse with my friend's friend who spoke about lot of things that made no sense on the occasion of festivity. But then, people give what they carry within... Few like to spread joy. Few share their issues. It's on us if we absorb or let it go... I had to cut it short after a bit. For it felt too much even for my generally patient self. I had gone to chill and relax. I had already told him that we would talk about it all later at the time of reading. Though I was the one who had started the topic. I just wanted him to clearly decide if the tarot reading would be worth his time for I was sure what he wanted to know was more of his own mental issue instead of tarot cards answering that. Also, I don't like people pre-telling me their side before a reading. Instead it comes out the best when one is a complete stranger. A reading without context helps someone understand and trust it way better. Anyway, let's see what happens to it. 

I received a call from someone who asked me why I didn't come for Maha-aarti at badri ghaat (where I had a splendid holi celebration last evening). I told him that I needed to rest and too much gulaal triggers my dust allergy. He reminded me of Purnima satsang and I felt nice that he valued my presence. 

It was the day of Dehen. I wasn't much interested in it initially. 

I was though looking forward to the satsang. I returned back home from the cafe. Washed and changed my clothes. Went for satsang. 

Satsang began with superb vibes. Could even attend holika dahen thanks to the same guy who had called and whom I respect a lot. He took me to the place where all locals really celebrate. 

Later he even told me about the significance of watching this fire of Dehen. He said that a person gets immortal for atleast an year when he sees this fire. Just like Prahlad had escaped death, even the ones who celebrate it in the memory of his bravery and devotion to God - get the same boon! 

We came back, sang few bhajans... Lot of people came and left... The energy was full power. I was so joyful that few people got jealous and tried to destroy my joy by playing the card of seniority and patriarchy. I had to shift my seat thrice... And that just disturbed me. And I left in anger. My self respect didn't let me be there. 

That's when the best moments of yesterday finally happened. I took my earpods and went upon the rooftop of my rooftop. Do you get it? The top-most space. The super top. I even took my jacket there and spread it to lie down to simply moon gaze. And then for atleast an hour or more that I listened to music and watched my moon. 

It was magical. It was serene. It was therapeutic. It was my love for the moon, stars, clouds, ether and sky. It felt meditative. I forgot all about the day. And was simply relaxed and at one with my grounded magical energy. 

I finally got my me time away from the crowd. Came back to my room when the battery died and that's when three four poems simply flowed upon my diary. That's when I really felt content with the day. I had expressed my self creatively. It was after all a productive day. And I wrote about real issues. Though I prefer to write positive things... But even talking about real issues is in a way positive for that brings any transformation or change... 

Aah! There are so many parties happening around. There are u countable Israili people this time in Pushkar. There is also a three days' long festival happening 20 kms from here for Israili people.. There are numerous parties arranged in various hotels. I still am not sure where exactly would I go. Have been invited by two friends thankfully. Let's see how the day goes. Like I said, I felt pretty content already day before yesterday. Anything added would simply be a bonus. 

I have also realised that the less I share online the better that my days go. People just can't see others to be happy. That's why I have stopped sharing on insta too. I just don't want any obsessed energies knowing about me. I also don't want people getting jealous of my joys or life. I don't even wanna teach anything to anybody. I simply want to be and live free. 

There is no need to impress anyone. No need to become anybody. I am me. And that's where lies the biggest joy. In this far off village or anywhere else... By simply living the best of life without anyone knowing anything about me... 

I am still excited for the day. Got to change and leave. 

I would surely update you tomorrow about it all. 

Today though, please excuse me. Tomorrow I would give you way more of my time my love... 

Aaj thodi excited hun to jaldi Jana hoga. 

Holi is indeed my favourite festival. Right from childhood. I had lost the excitement somewhere growing up. But this year I just know that it would be superb. I am exited. I am hopeful. I am relaxed. I am grateful. 

Loads of love and blessings my love. A loving touch full of colors upon your cheek. A touch of chandan teeka upon your forehead. A splash of hearing nectar upon you. A dive in a pool for you. A rainy shower of love for your soul... 

A very very happy Holi. May you always feel loved, blessed, content, joyful and whole. 

Pushkarraj's blessings for you. 

Love you. 

Mmmmmmuuuuah! 

................

                        

...............................

..............

March 16^th, 2025

08:08 A.M.

 

Hello meri jaan! Good morning. Have just woken up! Sorry, couldn’t talk to you last morning. Trust me, I tried my level best. But I had slept just at 6:30 A.M. and was tired beyond imagination. Also, my phone’s battery was dead, so couldn’t even hear the alarm. I did wake up at 9:30 A.M. all eager to talk to you, but of course, by then the portal was closed.

Alright, so we can have a long-long meet up today! I saw a weird dream early morning today with some Japanese kind of homes which were comparatively smaller in size and surprisingly, my family and people I know were considering such homes. There were not many rooms. Instead, there were more floors within the same room. Like multiple segments… I was wondering why had we shifted to such a congested complex! Oh, I gifted one of my cousins my own bean-bag (red in color) [which is super close to me and is a big-time memory of my life and room in Bangalore. I never got my own home again and couldn’t even keep my bean bag anywhere again.] There was a scene there where my cousin sister was being helped by my brother on top of some tree’s ladder and even my mother or maybe some other cousin sister was being supported by my maternal uncle upon the same ladder. And I was wondering – How lucky they are for having support of their brother or father or such! Don’t remember the rest of dream.

Well, I don’t know the purpose of this dream. I just remember this much. And I am unable to forget it. So I shared it here!

O.K. let me just wash my face and such to wake up properly and tell you what I really wish to tell you since last morning. Just give me a minute or two!

O.K. then! I am washed up and feeling way more awake! So, let’s begin with day before yesterday! The day of Holi! Do you remember I had slept for only an hour that morning and we did have a chat as well! Well, an hour before our meet; an old acquaintance texted me. Maybe he had seen me dropping from that other friend’s bike the night before. Or maybe he remembered our connection for we had a history of having a splendid holi celebration together four years ago! Whatever be the case, he texted me that morning and asked me if I would like to join him in the ceberation. I was like sure! Though I did get surprised for that entire group and I were really good friends back then and I don’t know what had happened that initially I kept my distance and later them and somehow the connections had got distorted. It felt good to see someone put in efforts to re-connect after years that too that politely.

 We decided to catch up by 9:30 at Varah Ghat! Years ago, it was that very stage where both of us and other significant friends of ours had danced together. But he had protected me from a crowd and had helped me rise up back then. Four years later that I was again meeting him – it had to be Varah ghaat and nowhere other. I found him again upon stage. He asked me to step up upon stage. I even did that but then asked him if he was ready to go! That was our plan – to go to multiple places as and when we felt like! He agreed there and then. Without an iota of denial. That was really sweet of him. I had told him that I wish to have wet holi and that excessive gulaal at Varah ghaat triggers my dust allergy… So, we were supposed to go to all places with water involved.

We decided to begin with Mela ground. It was around 10:15 A.M. and quite sunny. At first, we went nearby the stage. Music was loud, crowd was already quite abundant. The air was filled with music and gulaal. I danced but my friends was getting conscious of people looking at him or something. It felt weird. As if I was out with a wall. Someone even colored him totally with wet color. I told him, ‘Now, nobody would recognize you – if that’s what you wanted.’ We decided to shift a bit behind because there were massive fire-brigades arranged to splash water upon crowd there. Oh, it was amazing dear Eight. We danced. There was constant water splashes arranged, the music was changing every now and then. A couple of girls joined me here and there. There was a girl from Gujarat. There was another one from Maharashtra. Because there were quite limited females there initially that boys were helping them get together and dance together like we make little kids friends. Lol. Anyway, I too could open up with other girls because Pushkar just doesn’t understand the concept of males and females celebrating together. I even asked my friend later – don’t you know how to dance along with someone? He was like,’ I am not that good with dancing! ‘What about baraati dance?’ I asked him. He laughed and said, ‘that’s different!’  Whatever be the case, people from opposite gender simply don’t dance together over here. Or if they do, then the intention be different. Then it is more to touch the other instead of having a proper eye contact or celebrate for the sake of celebration. Anyway, thankfully those two girls came and joined me at different times, and I could actually be happy to give all those expressions and really feel the music and moments! There was a moment when a lot of crowd around us suddenly made the area empty around us. And there were only two of us dancing. A girl and I. and suddenly so many people began to make videos of us. There was simply so much of attention, plus the girl beside got jealous and haughty that I felt like just leaving the place. We left Mela ground to chaeck out scenes at other places at around 11:15 or 11:30 I guess.

At first, we went to another resort with a pool. We did play with lot of gulal there. But there were hardly any people, also it wasn’t allowed to jump in the pool. Lot many had begun to gather up slowly there looking at us dancing. But I was like, what’s the point of becoming a party starter where pool access is denied. Another reason was that that place belonged to the son of one of the most badtammez human I know around. Thankfully he wasn’t there. and his partner instead was there who was also my friend’s friend.  But ya, I didn’t want to stay there for long. We all danced, applied gulaal, played with colors and then left in some time.

The next halt was finally in a resort - the hoarding of which I had noticed on the way. It suggested a pool party. We entered in. Finally, I got a pool. Even there the crown was limited. Nobody upon the dance floor. And a few of them in the pool. I jumped instantly. My friend however was conscious of someone he knew. I urged him to jump in. that it was holi and we were not doing anything wrong. He did jump finally and it was all fun to dive again and again, to try out floating or talk… Finally we danced a bit upon the open air floor with not another single soul around and then we left even from there. We decided to come back to Mela ground for the party was only up till 2 P.M and it was around 1.

Aah! Not only the way was longer for we were taking the outer route but it was immensely hot. I told my frind to stop somewhere for a cup of tea but he said that he doesn’t drink tea. And then never stopped. We reached back at Mela ground. It was chocked full – oozing of people. We tried the spot nearby the stage first. It was full of people. I did find a guy with good dance chemistry there but I was with someone and didn’t want my friend to feel bad. So I didn’t dance with anyone else. Though, I was also wondering within, I didn’t want a body guard, instead would have much appreciated to have a genuine friend alongside who knew how to be happy. But then, I realised there that I actually needed a body guard as well – atleast there in the mela ground. For when we went for the water splashes, the crowd was literally crappy there. People tearing their own clothes and throwing them upon others. Random men trying to touch whichever woman. People splashing puddles upon each other and what not. My shades too got broken in the process. Though my friend protected me from all others but he was a bit too close. And I was just not comfortable with that much proximity. We did try a few different spots. I was wondering why was he insisting upon just the places with crowd. I thought maybe he wanted to hide in the crowd to be with me. But I needed space to breath. It was all too much. So much of crowd and such crappy energy. Also, that I had left my slippers also in scooty itself to avoid getting my feet get more rashes by dancing in the puddles in plastic slippers. But this time, there were rocks and hot sand on ground instead, along with so many wearing shoes often stepping upon my feet. It was enough. We somehow had half an hour like that and then decided to move out again.

I was too dehydrated by then. Told him to stop somewhere for sugarcane juice. But he forgot and even I forgot later and we reached another resort. I had huge hopes from the next resort. Two years back it was there that I had enjoyed a lot. Had there been no scene with this friend, It was there that I had decided to go and play holi at. Even at that resort that not many people were celebrating. Music was there and a pool was there. I just had to jump in. Jumping in various pools numerous times and I don’t know how; but my kurti got badly torn up in the process. One side. I was like, it’s alright till I am around. Anyhow, it was holi.

We reached Varah Ghaat again. The beginning point. The culmination point. Air was filled with Gulaal. It was around 2 P.M. or 2:30. The drums had just stopped. The people were just told to go back. It was time for locals’ group photo. My friend joined in.

I told you right about that festival happening 20 kms from here in village Picholiya. I really wished to be there but had literally thought it to be impossible. For the passes were pretty expensive and I did know a few people who had easy access to go inside but I didn’t want to request them. Also, didn’t know how to reach the spot. My friend and I had decided to go to one or other parties happening around later on. Our plan was to play holi first. Then take a bath. eat and rest a bit. And later go to some party towards evening or night. But at Varah ghaat – the netire group decided to continue the celebration in the flow. Everybody was going. My friend too seemed interested for everyone was going that too to the main festival – Holi Purim.

I didn’t realise that I was tired or anything. I too was in a flow. But I did wish to change though. For I didn’t want to go to a festival in that torn a kurti. I came back to change into a legging and white tee-shirt. I knew that white color would be more appropriate for any techno festival. I however had not changed my inner wears for anyway we were all expecting more colors and water even at the festival and it was anyhow hot.

It took me a few rounds till ghaat and back to my room – random groups re-colored me with colors right after I changed, and a guy actually threw green color right in my eyes. I couldn’t open my eyes for a minute and even after washing them up that my eyes got all red. Meanwhile my friend got injured while protecting one of his friends. I just knew something like that would happen for he was simply raging with some unknown anger and was willing to fight with random most people for no reason at all. I thought that I left just for some time and so much happened. Thankfully, he was safe. Because so many were going together, we had to further wait for them all to get ready. Few of them wanted to take a bath first. That was smart of them but I didn’t realise it then. Few were instead having food at their home which was also wise, but I didn’t realise it. In the excitement of so much happening and so many events and places, I was just not hungry.

Also, that, it was the first time I was nearby their homes, and they were therefore forming groups of their own.  I told my friend that I would wait for them outside another lane. On the way I talked with one nice guy with whom I am facebook friends with. He seemed so nice and gentle. I left though after bidding farewell. As I was passing by a narrow lane that a group of guys came to suddenly color me with more gulaal. I was fine with it till it was decent. One of them suddenly touched my breast and that was that. I turned behind and gave him a tight slap. Told him, ‘What kind of behaviour is this?’ A few guys were watching it all from their balcony they too scolded them. I was happy to have slapped that guy for I took a stand for myself and all women. In another lane, I talked with my mom and she too told me to eat something before leaving for another place. But it was too hot and I was just not hungry till then.

In some time that everybody joined in and finally we left for the festival. We had to face a sand storm on the way. Also, a mild rain. A few decided to go back. Ultimately four of us went on. 20 kms of dun, sand, dust. I had to give my shrug to an uncle who also had dust allergy and was rather triggered by the storm. Also, my shades had got broken back at mela ground. So, I had nothing to cover myself up. And because we didn’t know the way, we were following an auto which was for sure going to the same venue. Because the way was off-road – all the dust was entering our eyes and nose instead. I rode for half the way. And when the way got totally off-road that handed over the scooty to my friend.

Oh, my dear Eight! It was spectacular. – the festival. Alliterated with numerous macrame hangings, two stage set ups, sky replaced with a large colored canopy, foreigners dressed in hippie attires. It was after years that I was attending a festival. I had left that life altogether in my past. My senses still knew where to go, my feet were autu-tuned to the music. We went and danced. Finally, my friend too danced but he kept his distance along with the other two. I had three people with me – my friend, his friend and his friend’s foreigner girlfriend.  They stayed a bit behind. I didn’t mind. Anyway, techno is meant to be a solo experience regardless of crowd or no crown, group or no group. It is just you and the music. And the D.J.s were quite renowned – each amazing at what he did. It was quite sunny but I was fully charged. Sunset happened – I was all the more charged. There were frequent colored sparkled blown in air. It was all colorful, vibrant yet in a classy sort of way. Everybody was simply tripping. Sunset was ethereal.

It was by night that I got tired. I realised that I had danced for almost 12-13 hours in total. Also, the Sun the entire day had really exhausted me. I was ill-prepared for the festival for I had nothing to eat or drink. The two bottles of water I was carrying were long finished. My companions were though taking breaks but on their own and so was I. I finally decided to go surf the market and find out something to eat or drink. I needed some energy. I found a walnut brownie that I savoured. Though I was also feeling a bit guilty to be having it all on my own without sharing. But then I thought about it. They had all eaten back at their homes. And even there they were going and having various things on their own. They didn’t share! Still, either I be on my own, or if I be with company, I like to be with them totally. It felt weird to be with a group and still not belong. There were no together breaks, no chill out sessions. As if somebody had appointed me to dance on. Also, earlier also that I used to dance for so many hours, but there were also some kind of intoxicants. Now that I have left it all, it was difficult to stretch. I was really tired. My body needed energy. Plus, the fact that I had not taken a bath meant that I still had all those colors here and there. My skin is super sensitive. I had got rashes all over. My feet were paining, so were my muscles. My skin was aching and feeling super dry. I needed water – an excess of it. It was a desert area and I was parched. Everything was super expensive over there. Imagine a bottle of water was for rs. 100. And I was feeling like finishing at least 3-4 bottles. I did find a few friends, said Hi to them from a distance. What I missed the most was an emotional connect with the people I was along with. I didn’t want to be like that foreigner girl serving the guy she was along with – with constant supplies. No matter it be a friend or anyone else, if I am with a guy, I like him to man up and be by my side. They were all detached and in their own zones. I too was enjoying myself but I felt alone. That’s what makes me feel more alone when I be with people I don’t connect with. By 1:30 A.M. I was like, fuck it, how much water would I drink anyway. Let’s just go, buy more. The bar counter was out of water. I found a tea shop and the guy was super kind. He had a water dispenser and he refilled both my water bottles. I was super thankful and even bought tea from him. He was kind even there. He gave me the larger mug in the price of small. I really prayed for him and was super thankful for his kindness.

I asked my friend when would we leave for, I was tired by then. It was 2 A.M.. We were out and dancing from morning 9:30 A.M. Why I got more tired was because my friend had told me that the event would be over by 10 P.M. But it went on. My mind was only prepared till 10. I had hardly eaten anything. Was ofcourse sleep deprived. Was feeling super-hot and itchy by then and was of course tired. My friend told me that they were planning to stay on instead. So, I crossed the barricade and reached right below the stage. With eyes half dazed, my body and senses synched with numerous speaks blaring right in front – I left my body to dance on – this time upon techno trance. The visuals shown upon the screen behind were simply ascending. The last D.J. was simply the best. The dance too felt like a flow. As if my body was dancing but the work was happening upon the crown and agya chakra. It was a full moon night. I derived energy from Moon and stars. It was also an eclispse night and the eclipse was meant to be in Virgo – that’s my zodiac. I knew I was meant to feel the impact of it all – all the more so. I was only grateful. From beginning of the day – to every place that visited and specially when we had reached the festival – in front of that entire set up – all I did was thank Mahadev. I had zero expectations from the day. What I got was way more than my imagination. A bit excessively so. It was by then too much to handle.

I danced a bit more. Realised, I had danced on for around 16 hours that day. Without anything in my system. Though, I am the biggest believer of working out beyond exhaustion – because there comes a saturation point – beyond which the body simply goes on and the mind no more tells you that you are tired. But I also wanted to take care of myself. At around 2:30 A.M. that I took another break. Went till a grassy ground and had a power nap. I was long done with my smokes and polo – the only two things I had in my bag. All I had was water that I had and then passed out for few minutes. A ten-minute nap upon dewy grass that I suddenly began to feel super cold. On my way back, I found an old friend. Said Hi to him and wondered, my one nice word with him and he would bring the world to me. But he too was obsessed kind of energy. I didn’t want any more obsessed people. So, I kept my distance.

 I came and rejoined the group. Asked them again if they wanted to leave. But they wanted to stay on. Thankfully, the party got over by 3. Aah! I was literally relieved. Though I was also a bit regretful for I couldn’t do justice to the last D.J. I did wish to dance to his music. He was good at it. But I was beyond tired.  And simply wanted to be home. Also, I was cold by then.

Even the other two people with us had taken a power nap. They too were feeling cold. But that foreigner girl had a hoodie and a shrug. So, they covered up. We left the venue the earliest. But weirdly my friend let all those cars and bikes leave before us. I didn’t understand why was he dragging on the way, why was he riding so slow. He said that he didn’t want to feel cold. I was in a super thin tee-shirt. I was prepared to still cover the distance. Ultimately, I decided to ride instead. For I just wanted to reach home. He held me a bit weirdly from behind – again and again latching on to me. I understood that it was cold, and maybe I would have taken the warmth of a friend as well had I been so cold. But I don’t know, the touch wasn’t comfortable. He didn’t tell me that I had taken couple of wrong turns. Rather he let me go on. As if, he didn’t wish the night to end. He requested me couple of times to stop somewhere. But I didn’t want to. He wasn’t much company the entire day. It made absolutely no sense to live the night with him. Though, I for sure was grateful that he asked me out and we had so many experiences. Holi became simply epic all thanks to him. But the enjoyment part was mine alone. And he didn’t take care of me nor was emotionally available. I didn’t need a body guard. I was myself enough for that. I wanted a friend instead to live along and have fun along with. He did tell me that he wasn’t used to female company. But that’s what amazes me the most here. Why do people bifurcate so much on the name of gender. I simply wanted to celebrate as human. Specially Holi is a festival on no discrimination. Rather everybody is colored celebrating the same theme. That we all are essentially one – rainbow colored.

I reached back home at quarter to 5. A shop was open downstairs. Bought a cup of tea for myself. Came back to my room. Realised, I had got blisters on my feet and even below my breast. I had got rashes all over and each and every part of mine was paining like hell. I had a long-long hot shower and finally entered my bed. My phone was out of battery so I put it to get charged and within next minute that I passed out. That’s why I couldn’t talk to you last morning. Though I had woken up just in three hours after that. Do you know the kind of tired where you be unable to sleep. My friend Sam called then and I had a lot conversation with him. It’s always super nice to talk to him. He is my friend for past 12 years and seriously I am but grateful for his presence in my life. Few people are simply the epitome of this constant support, motivation and joy in your life and one should always be grateful for them. I for sure am. Maybe, I shared all my excitement and joy with him and therefore you had to bear even the repercussions and between the lines segment. Maybe, yesterday, I would have only shared my joy. But today, I also shared my reflections. I though had decided to instead re-enter our portal at 8 P.M. in the evening but the day went on too on and off, I was super tired and just wasn’t in the spirit to write as much.

Oh, would you believe it? I didn’t update my blog just for one day and somebody checked it 80 times. People have no life of their own and simply live through other’s life! Who would be so obsessed with my life to actually check a single day’s update 80 times! Weird! There be all kinds of people in the world and one can only pity them.

I did suffer a lot because of wrong footwear this time. Whoever stole or hid them, may God punish that person a hundred times. It has become so difficult to walk. Oh, I also fell down from stairs of my guest house last evening. Thankfully, I wasn’t much hurt.

Yesterday was a slow evening. A healing day for myself. Although my friends did invite me again for both the festival and another rave party happening around. But I didn’t join in. For I had no strength to dance. And there was no other chemistry along with them. What was the point of going to an event and being unable to either dance or chill. I denied them all. Though, at night it felt rather weird to not go out somewhere – for past few days – each evening has been eventful and celebratory. But I knew that my body and mind needed so much of rest. I had not slept properly even yesterday. I was rather by evening that I even had a proper meal.

Thankfully, I slept great last night. And here we are talking for past three hours.

Sorry if the details got excessive. Guess, I wanted to compensate yesterday’s absence and also, wanted to really share my feelings.

All in all, Holi was seriously super epic. I was grateful to Mahadev for all those experiences. True, I tired myself a lot. True, I have got injured in the process. But it was all worth it. I loved each and every portion of it. With a more engaging companion maybe, I would have felt it more. But I was grateful for the one I was along with. With him, I felt simply fearless. As if, someone strong was behind me and I could do anything.

Also, that finally I have learned to be myself even the conservative society of Pushkar. To not care about judgements as long as I am right from within. I guess it will take a day or two more to have these rashes healed. It’s the first time ever that I have got blisters at such abnormal places… Well, everything has a cost. So so so much of enjoyment had this as a cost probably. Our body too has a limit to it. I am not 21 anymore to go on for 24 hours. But I did. And it was all worth it.

Thank you my dear Eight for being with me. Thank you, Mahadev, for blessing me with so many epic experiences. Thank you, dear time, for turning so phenomenally.

I don’t know the next step. In the moment, I am quite content.

Loads of Love.

May your life be as eventful wherever you be in the timeline. May you get as many surprises as I get surprised and blessed by time. May you find amazing friends to be by your side.

 

Love you.

MMMMMMMMUUUUAAAAH!

 

..........................................................................

17 March, 2025

8 A.M. 

Good morning my love! Aah! Finally after two three days that we are meeting at exact time. I just woke up after having dreams of colored holi with my family and more locals here of Pushkar. Don't remember the dream. Also, right now feeling pretty sleepy. 

I must have slept by 4 last night. These days the afternoons are pretty hot, so wanted to live a night. Stayed up on terrace for few hours after a few days. Remembered, I have plants as well. Someone cut my Kadi-patta plant in half and what not! 

Well, atleast the plant is still there and alive. It felt nice to walk under a just passed full moon and stars and talk on phone with a friend from Uttarakhand. I just feel that it's always nice to be in contact with your friends every once in a while. you become each other's roots then if you feel like it. 

Aah! Am so sleepy. Wait! Let me wash up and come back. That may help us talk better. Otherwise I would simply pass out again..

Am back yo! Feeling much more alive and awake. So yesterday was totally a self care day. Resumed that turkish series in the afternoon. Applied nail paint all over my injuries to have a protection layer both upon my hands and feet. Used band aids to make my feet walkable. Visited a couple of new cafes in evening. Wrote multiple poems, even sketches - for my upcoming book. Found most of the cafes still crowded but the crowd was of quality. Wasted a bit of money on super expensive cups of tea for I had not checked the price first at one place and the next one gave me half a cup in the price of one... Anyway, my purpose was to be in those vibes at new places and simply write. That I did. 

Late evening was spent on terrace with Maggie and phone convos... And later that I deep cleaned my room to get rid of all the dust accumulated that even aunty doesn't clean like on window sills and clutter. I even kept all woolens inside and diaries that are full and would only be taken back home. I needed dust free and stuff free space in my room.. also, that I still need this room to get properly cleaned up. Aunty seemed quite busy last morning with so many guests checking out. Today, I would surely get it cleaned and change the bed sheets and towel as well. 

My skin is gradually healing. And I too am gaining energy bit by bit. 

Both my old/new acquaintances asked me out last night. One I denied for I wasn't his priority on Holi. He had first asked me to go out to celebrate with him. Later texted that he instead wanted to go to mela ground on his own for some work and would update me if any scene would be made. He called me later at around 3/4 P.M on Holi to join him till Ajmer. I was ofcourse with that other group going for Purim. When he heard that I was going to the festival, he expected me to invite him as well. I would have had I been having my own contacts. I would also have, had he made me his priority and joined us right from morning. It made no sense to be with one person and invite another to tag along. Boys have random mind-set. I just understand it. So, I had been with the people I was with and not invited him. Though later when my friend didn't take care of my need to return, not took care of me.... Later that I did think the next day, had that other friend been there, I could have simply returned back along with him. But that was that. I like to be a priority for my friends when I hang out with them. I guess, I did right to not join him. Though he is a sweet fellow and is caring too. But he is still young and needs to understand a lot many things... Things like you actually plan out meet ups with a certain strength and proper plans. You don't leave it upon a girl saying, 'if you feel like going somewhere, let me know!' now come on, I am not looking for a guide. 

The other friend (the one I had partied with) also asked me out again. When I said No, his question was 'with whom would you go out then?' Lol... Men be so jealous.... That too without even earning the position to feel that way. Anyway, I did tell him clearly how he had made me feel uncomfortable. That though I was grateful for he took me out, protected me and stayed with me the entire day... But it was his touch that I got uncomfortable with. He said sorry. And it was such a polite exchange. I was really thankful that he wasn't shitty like many other boys around. He didn't turn defensive. Nor did he turn back the entire scene at me. He accepted where he was wrong. That was rather high of him. Well, each of us have goods and bads. Growth happens when we accept our flaws and try to change ourselves for the better! 

This turkish series that I am watching is pretty standard recipee of theirs. They take a low class section and a high class section and make them merge. Because only in those two classes that all drama happens. Drama where violence, unnecessary emotions and arguments are involved. Cops are involved. People have no respect for boundaries. Friends and family reach work spaces and colleagues reach family.... It disturbs me now a bit. Specially when anybody doesn't respect other's space and boundary. It becomes unacceptable to me even in a series. Plus, all those base emotions like jealousy, hatered, anger, pain - are all given such high weightage. I also understood after watching numerous turkish serieses all these years, that it is a super patriarchal society even there. And even women accept that. Many men raise their hands upon their women. Women are not accepted to be working much, rather the few that work are seen as modern... And even they have to struggle fr it is ultimately a men's world... Brothers and fathers and husbands still decide their women's life... Oh, and a No doesn't mean No in their life... Like it is totally acceptable for a hero to kidnap his beloved... Take her to some far off farm house.. take read good care of her... And both come back forming memories. 

It's so crappy. Like what happened to the consent. What happened to any norm... 

Jealousy be given such huge weightage. People do anything out of jealousy .. 

Rather they openly say it, that they would throw a party to make neighbours the most jealous.. in a way, it is honest but in a way it felt so low in terms of mind set as well... 

I am kind of bored of this recent series. In between, all characters were developing. And I felt that though people were struggling for a long time, but they are actually showing some character development .. but like all other turkish series, it's going round and round in story and now testing my patience.  

I don't think I would continue it... 

My neighbours here are super loud... Right now too this aunty right outside my window is speaking so loudly on phone that if she would hang up, still her voice would reach the one she must be talking too. That entire family is super loud. Uncle, aunty, their daughter and their dog. Though the dog is cute. And I don't mind him barking..but the rest are weirdly and unnecessarily loud. Two years back, I got so enganged in one oolf her phone conversations that was long and loud that I actually got curious to what happened next. Lol. 

Oh, I oiled my hair last night. They had turned super dry with all those holy colors. I even plaited them into six plaits finally plaiting them all together into two. I look like a cat. Cute one. 

After such a long time that there is a cab available for Delhi today. The only one. But I am not mentally prepared for it. Though, it has become super hot during day time... And I would rather like to take these happy memories of past few days than the rest of six months before it or any boredom or disappointment that may happen next... But then, I am enjoying this peace as well.. I would love to have more peaceful moments here in Pushkar and then go back. Ofcourse our meet ups are also keeping me here. 

Today, after getting my room cleaned; I am planning to make few bracelets. Both for people who mean a lot to me here and for myself. I had bought beads and stuff around a month back. Specially to make a gift for a friend. Couldn't get the right moment and vibes to make it. Today I will. For I am happy, content and in the spirit of it. 

I need to give away a lot of my clothes. Just don't know whom to give. For there be kurtis and such and either I know kids aur aunties. No other girl of my stature who may wear these. Let's see. I have worn these clothes for six months. I am bored of them. And they are pretty worn out. Yet, I feel ashamed to give my worn out clothes. I feel like buying them new ones instead. But ofcourse I can't afford as much all the time. Also, I feel that what I am bored off can actually be of some value to someone else. Not like I have brought many. But yeah! Why not. Somehow I am really blessed in matters of clothes. No matter how many I give away, I always end up having an endless collection of clothes back home. Though I try to travel light, try to even get done with my clothes after each trip... But I am also the kind of person who gets attached to certain clothes. And regardless of how many new ones, still prefers the comfort of those old worn out clothes and wear mostly only them. It feels easier to part with new ones than old ones... While cleaning last night, that too I was trying to decide - what all can I give away. There is just too much stuff accumulated in all these months. 

Oh, last evening something super epic happened to me. So I was done with one cafe and was rather clueless where to next. In Manali, if I find myself like that, I simply take a long hike and reach some mountain's top or by river side and find my solitary peace and space to write. Here though, if you walk more, you reach highway or some road... There be no such high points except a few kilometres from here that too not to be reached on your own... One has to really struggle to find a high point in some cafe or something to get that aireal view - to find your space yet be connected to the elements and a bit of life - to observe and write...so anyway, my feet took me on their own to a certain direction and suddenly I found a group of purohits taking Lord Krishna's statue of New Rangji temple for a walk around the city... That's what happens post Holi over here... There be ceremonies where Krishna is believed to take walks around spreading chandan and yellow color around... For next five days similar ceremonies would happen... It felt as if it was destined. I didn't even know about the ceremony. I was simply at the right place at right time. Just the moment I reached there that the procession stepped out of the temple and I got a first hand glimpse of Lord krishna - not just once when he stepped out for first time but even later when he was returning back for I was sitting in a nearby cafe... It felt as if God called me on his own. As if I was his Radha and he was my secret lover and we had a pact to meet up without the world catching us or something. I felt really lucky to be there. 

Alright my love! I guess, I am fully awake as well by now. Lol. Now that it's time to part up. Will see you tomorrow yo! Love you .. 

Mmmmmmuuuuuaah! 

........

March 18th, 2025

8 A.M. 

Hi my love! Good morning!!! 

After I don't know how long that I stayed awake an entire night before meeting you! 

I had slept last afternoon for these days noons are quite hot to be outside and nights are pleasent, rather slightly chilly.... I was missing night time. So I had it. 

Oh... I went out for a bike ride till Ajmer last night ... I rode dear Eight! And even if I was a rider years ago back in Bangalore, I just never used leg break much... Last night I learned the significance of back break.... I don't know why, I always trusted the hand break.... But yesterday while on the downward slant I learnt the importance of back break... Also leg break is so convenient... Don't know why I was always doubtful about that... I went with that other friend with whom I had gone out after dandiya the other night... He was sweet like always... We went till Ajmer... Sat below a full moon, numerous stars, a gigantic Anasagar lake and a massive city filled with night lights... And we talked about life! 

Hanging out with him totally reminds me of my college days. He is of that age as well - is what I realised last night. And he is caring. That's one significant quality anyone should have when you hang out with them... 

It was a sweet hang out. 

And just before I reached my guest house that I saw someone I really wanted to see the entire evening... 

Do you know for past few days there is this divine coincidence happening... There is a guy am bumping into coincidently every day... I had even danced with him during dandiya days... Ever since... Each day that randomly and suddenly we always suddenly bump into each other. It always happens at the most unexpected moment... Like I be passing by a road and all of sudden would find him coming from the other side... Or I go to a random event totally unexpected and unplanned and would find him there walking right beside.. I had not given any of it much thought... Had taken it all to be a coincidence... But that night when I went to Holi Purim and was totally synced with music, towards the end of it, when my body was tired and my eyes were closed ..  somehow his face appeared in front of my closed eyes again and again. I just didn't know why was I thinking about him... 

Day before I even wrote a poem about it... Right after I chance bumped into him... That I didn't want to get emotionally connected to any guy over here.. that I would soon most probably leave and there shouldn't leave anything incomplete else I would have to return back for closure of karma... That we have no bond and it makes no sense to begin yet another chapter of emotions... But try as I might, he just always comes to my mind... Or else, he bumps into me somewhere or other.. I have not many feelings attached yet... Just this wonder... I do wonder about the timing... About all the coincidences that make us meet again and again... And imagine... Even last evening though I thought of him during evening but by night I had completely forgotten about him... Would you believe, I did see him... Again magically .. like I took a turn and he took a turn and we passed by each other but somehow that seemed enough... I actually did a happy dance on coming back. It felt so childish to be feeling happy to see someone whom I don't even know, nor there much chances of time to know... Nor does it seems wise... 

Aah! These old school infantuations... 

Honestly, it has been years... 12 years to be precise that I have been in any relationship... And 6 years from when I was really love struck in an unrequited love .. and yet, at times, even I amaze myself when I feel something so random... 

My mind immediately tries to beware me now... 'Stop! You have a history of either getting attracted to those emotionally unavailable... Or you attract those emotionally turbulent.... Heal yourself first. Else, it would be another trauma experience!'

But then, this heart... 

Well, nothing wrong with a slight crush... And this one is not even a crush. I don't even know him. But I still get amazed and happy whenever I see him. 

Oh, I got my room cleaned finally last morning. Everything is clean in my room now. Also, turned out the helper aunty here has 4-5 other kids. So my clothes would surely fit one of her daughters. I am glad the clothes would be of any use to them. Would surely give her more before leaving. For now, the room feels way more spacious and uncluttered. 

Would change the beddings today after our date. 

Aunty told me that she was married when she was 11 months old. Can you believe it. People in villages have this culture to marry girls at such a young age. Not only that... To save their expenses... If someone elderly dies at their home, since relatives are already gathered and are served food; they marry all the daughters of the family collectively... And then send them to their in-laws later on when they turn 15-16... That's how aunty had got married. On demise of her grandfather, when she was not even an year old. 

The story fascinated me. She is just two years older than me. And here I am calling her aunty. She has 5 kids, two husbands... She has lived so much more than I can imagine. 

Maybe, next time, I would call her didi. I just didn't know her age. Guess, Didi would be more appropriate. Her life is quite tough. She works so hard. She takes care of so many responsibilities all on her own. And also suffers with challenging health. It hurts my heart at times when I see good hearted people having faced so much. Each time I talk to her, I get to know an all together new dimension... All the more complexities... All the more shocks and surprises. 

So similar to that Turkish series... Where too the family is always facing issues and challenges. 

One should be grateful for a peaceful life... One should be grateful for all the freedom, the good health... 

People do face quite a lot and yet live on... People are brave... They live on! 

Oh, I watered my plants upstairs last night. I didn't want to water then while they were sleeping but that was why I had not watered them the night before... And during day I just didn't go upstairs... Past few days time and again, I found myself quite parched - including last night when I was dancing on the terrace and my bottle got empty... I felt really guilty for not assuring water for my plants regularly.... It was I who had brought them here. They can't walk on their own... True, someone would have to take care of them after me... But till the time I am here, I must ensure that they are well taken care of! I thought that plants handle it when it rains at night... If they are really thirsty, they would rather appreciate it. Also, it wasn't leaves but soul where I was watering....they could drink as they liked... Whenever they felt life!!

Aah! Now am feeling sleepy... After staying awake the entire night. Lol... 

Means I would have to meet you sleepy either after-sleepy or under-sleepy always... Uff! 

Aah! I have an upset stomach again! I had thought that it would get better once I get happy in life... But seriously, I wish to heal myself of all these random blasts... I need my gut health to be better,,,,

O.k. then my love. Am suddenly super sleepy... May catch up with you once again later

E

For now, let me pass out

Loads of love for you. Mmmuuah.......

P.S. Krishna called me again last evening to meet him. He was riding a gigantic statue of lion... It was splendid - the entire procession... 

O.k. then... Good night. 

See you later. 

Love you. 

............

March 19th, 2025

8 A.M. 

Hello my love! Another morning after a whole night of being awake! I had an epic yesterday. Even went for parikrama and my favorite aarti at Bhramma ghaat last evening. Sat by Pushkaraj for a bit... Went to another cafe...wrote poems... Sketched... Ate well... Talked with Sam for a long time. He is really happy at his new job and I am happy for him. Oh, danced below Moon and and stars at night... Painted a bit after quite a few days... Repaired a kurti and shorts for I need to wear that white kurti this evening and that Italian aunty who was my neighbour had torn it.... Thank God she has left. Each year she ruins so many clothes of mine. Thank God that Mom taught me basic stitching that I can repair my clothes at the times of need. I don't like wasting anything. True , new clothes can be bought, but my few minutes saved an almost new kurti and made it wearable again... 

Oh, I even changed bedsheets and stuff last evening... My room is pretty clean now... Also, several lot of laundry have ensured all my clothes to be clean... Overall, it was a productive day yesterday and I could mend and clean and get in touch my my routine... 

It all feels great.. fresh! Healed.

. 

The cafe I sat in last evening was the same where I had landed the first time ever that I visited Pushkar as an adult. Each time I visit that place, it brings back numerous memories and also mirrors the growth I have had all these years!!! Its sublime yet ethereal - the journey, the depth! 

8:08

Today I am invited for a special event. It is believed here in Pushkar that Krishna goes out everyday after Holi to spread colors and his love for the next five days... Today would be the closing ceremony of those processions... Or maybe it is too assemble all those who contributed in Holi festivity. I am not sure, but I am invited to be there. 

Oh, my lapi's charger suddenly stopped working as I returned back last night. God knows what has happened to it. Now I am unable to switch on my lapi..

I don't know why I turn extremely sleepy just at the time of our meet these days! 

Oh, last afternoon, I saw a lot many dreams... Here's,third last of my dreams...

Didn't remember the other two, else would have shared them as well.

I am dozing on and off again now. Aah! That's why I wanted to type today on lapi. Already my phone is old and it charges super slow. Today I would surely go get my lapi's charger checked in the market.

It was my teenage's besti's birthday day before. Do you know that guy whom your family trusts so much that you get allowed to go wherever as long as you be with him... He is my friend from 9th class! Imagine that.... Well, last birthday of mine that he informed me that he got rokafied. This birthday of his I got to know that he is now married. Finally, he too is married. I was super happy for him.. though it was a bit odd seeing him with someone.... Well, may he get all the joy and love in his life. He has really waited a long time for it. 

Oh, I did weave that bracelet for that friend night before... I have intentionally made it a bit out of pattern...totally flowed with the flow. As my heart wanted... Though each bead and thread was ofcourse calculated. The design too initially was planned. But then it took its own course and I trusted the process. It would be a gentle reminder to me him to be consistent in his life! Lol... I can only imagine him laughing at this..but then, I don't even know if he would wear it... 

Why are most of the people including my own self so inconsistent? Like, take this example of just the plants upstairs... They be plants who are totally dependent upon humans when potted in pots... Yet, I fail to water then everyday or fail to give them my time and attention each day... Yet they grow well still, is what I have observed! But yeah! Consistent efforts towards anything has its own sort of growth. May it be plans or connections. Though, then the growth gets difficult to observe. For you stay aware of each new bud and leaf and therefore no sudden flower can surprise you... But you also be there to protect it from any disease... Or pluch out weeds whenever they grow ,- there and then! 

Am feeling intensely sleepy again. Dozing off after every few minutes. But today I would give you my time... Wil try to be more awake.... Aah! 

Ok then! I am sitting now. Have also poured a mug of chaach! Let's live it. Full power! 

Each year my views about Pushkar change entirely... I wonder how would I feel by the time my book would actually be published.. the experience was deepest and best when I had come here for the very first time. For I wasn't much aware of flaws... And was totally into andhbhakti. The next time was just as an observer. Cut off from participation... More merged with either. Finally this time, that I could actually be myself ... And choose where to give my energy and where not! 

Both the first two trips that I worked on the book... This time I am quite sure that I won't edit it anymore. I don't even have those people or feelings anymore. It would be injustice to the book. So I have left it at that. But I do wish to get it published before my views completely change. Though, this trip too was pretty close to the first one. It was a blend of both... Ofcourse along with being uniquely it's own! 

Well, won't change anything in my book for sure... 

Oh, I wore a new tee shirt last evening. It has a print of my own painting. I had got two such tee shirts of different paintings of mine - customised a few months back... Just had never got a chance to wear the second one. Wore it last evening finally. Felt good and magical in it. 

The painting had flowed out of my brushes back in Manali. The tee shirt got made here in Pushkar. That tee therefore is a blend of both of my favourite places on earth so far. 

Birds are chirping quite loudly and beautifully just outside. It feels nice to have these sunny

 mornings here in my room. 

A friend of mine from Ajmer gave me a new nick name 'Chutki'. I guess it's some character from 'chota bheem'. I don't know why the closest friends of mine see only cartoons in me. Lol.  

Seriously, let me share a history of nick names given to me before this by other friends... Moana, Shinchan, pikachoo, Hathori....and so on... Well, as long as they carry love, I love them. 

I would have to watch chota bheem now to see this character Chutki. Lol. 

Hathodi was a name given to me by my brother. I still have a book written at my home, the first page of which has a random line printed by my brother as he was checking out the printer. The line says, 'Ha ha ha Hathori banna hai kamaal'... Lol... Each time I open that book, I read it and it brings a smile to my face... 

Oh, did I tell you... Somebody shared a video of mine doing dandiya on YouTube ... What I loved there was that he spoke about women empowerment while showcasing me doing stick dance with other men... Three years back, that was my single motive to do stick dance... I wanted women as well to be doing that dance... This time though I just did it for I love it... That synergy boosts my spirit... Dancing is anyway my love... And to dance together that too in a pattern with others is a group activity that somehow gives me immense joy... But to be known as a symbol of women empowerment meant way too much for that past self of mine who once actually tried a lot to empower women over here... Down the years, I had decided to rather be an outsider and live it without any fear of judgements... Instead by listening to my own inner conscious... Secretly, I still wish and hope for aleven the local women to come and join these dances and celebrations... I am sure the vibe would change then... All for better. But it would take time... Not only men, rather women are more patriarchal here... They be the first ones to judge...they be the first ones to seek attention... I too feel more comfortable with men... And immediately get conscious if any aunty comes around... Yet I wish for a society that can evolve from gender and actually breath at the level of being human... 

Where people can freely talk and learn from each other... Where people can celebrate together, walk and talk together ... Be together... Without judgements... Without ill intentions... One can only hope! 

These days, I am missing my college days a lot... Even the tafri part... All that 'Dgf' attitude... Sitting anywhere..chilling anywhere... Wearing anything... Just living to enjoy life... I miss that sometimes... 

Though, last night while conversing with Sam... And discussing purpose of life... The answer was clear in my head... It wasn't enjoyment... It was Evolution for me... I guess, I am working towards it! Including its pits and mountains... 

Right now though, I am quite at peace... At peace with my life .. even shockingly with the pace of it... Not afraid of changes... Nor annoyed with stability... It's all smooth. It's all nice... It's all for the larger picture... It's all for the inner journey... Not even free floating anymore... Instead I am aware... And I also wish for more... But I am also content and grateful... While I work towards the next step... At peace with my now. At peace with myself... 

I also feel pretty expanded these days. Happy. Willing to interact with others.. unlike my just past self which was more reserved and always in an invisible shell... I am opening up and that too sensibly... It's such a sweet growth. I am thankful for that. 

Alright my love... Catch you tomorrow... Loads of love! 

Mmmmmmuuuuaaah! 

.................

..

......

March 20th, 2025

8:48 A.M. 

Hey my love!!! Goodmorning! 

I got so extremely late today for our meet. Don't know how I passed out just an hour back. Saw crazy dream filled with me flying.... Also there were bowls of tomato chutney... And there was a queen... And I too was there. Don't remember much. Too sleepy still. 

O.k. let me get up and wash my face first. Atleast our portal is still open... I don't even have much battery today. This phone again has stopped getting charged. And I couldn't get the lapi's charger fixed last night. 

Well, we will try to make the max of whatever battery I have both in my phone and my sleepy head...ha ha 

Strangely, I feel full of love. Naughty even to tease... Ad smiling without cause. Ha ha... Crazy me! 

It is a sunny morning. My eyes are half dazed. It's a lazy morning. My mind is half dazed. Isn't it beautiful? Just to relax and have this leisure. To not hurry to be anywhere. To simply be in the moment. At peace with the moment. At peace with time. 

Let me wash up, before I any more philosophize. 

O.k. then. I feel more awake. Though, this is when I generally finish our meets. Atleast I entered the portal somehow. My sleep cycles are again beyond the chart these days. I even got late for that aarti last evening. But I was dressed in a white kurti and the experience was simply magical. Numerous flowers around. I was sitting right in the centre of the circled group. As if divine was raining flowers upon and around me.  Chantings of bhajans... Including Hanuman chalisa, ram stuti, fagun bhajans and so on...with flowers and flowers flying on..  a rose garland around my neck... I felt so pure... In no moments that I too was grooved to the groove. It felt great. But ya, I could only have an hour of that magic. Like I said, I had got late... 

I did take a long walk across market... Visited lanes I don't generally go to... Went to another cafe... Wrote a bit... It was bit boring even there, but the tea was great. 

It was also the fifth and final day fo Krishna procession.. with horse dance in front.. came back to visit the same...brought utilities and came back.... Had an early dinner.... Went to the terrace... Uploaded few videos on insta after around a month... Nights are simply magically breezy these days... Though, last night I was seriously craving good company a lot. Everyone needs decent friends around after all. It is very much a part of human need. To have good social connections. To be accepted and needed. I either get guys interested in something else or together or I get psychos who get so obsessed that they make me their life's goal. Like, what kind of love is that makes your loved one's life difficult with your presence. It's not love. It's rather attachment and it's your own selfishness and ego becuse of which you just can't let go. 

Anyway, I did feel the need of quality connection last night. Just wanted to chill out. Even considered one or two old connections. Then remembered the quote, 'One should never be so thirsty, to drink from every cup... For that is how one is poisoned!' So I stayed back... 

Later, I wrote a bit and painted the entire night.. and that's how I came back to my own zone and self and realised... I am infact the best company I can have.. and until I don't find the quality connections I deserve in my life, I am good on my own. I don't really need to chase anyone or any experience... 

I was also thinking that maybe I am at a wrong place. How am I expecting educated, sensible, mature company - here in a village.... Early morning that I got a sudden text on insta of a musician.. I had heard him just a few days back and had found him really good at what he did. Weirdly, he insisted upon meeting there and then... I told him, I had a blog to return to... Also, it was both shocking to notice his urgency in meeting and also a bit exciting for the spontaneity of it. I told him, I can meet but only for a parikrama provided he wasn't drunk or anything... He was drunk... And he was rather expecting me to reach his guest house and cuddle it seems. I was beyond furious. This tinder generation... People be so struck in gross.. 

I told him, 'Bro, You took me wrong. I could have joined for a walk and talk but your intentions seem to be different.' after that he tried to explain and clarify a couple of times. But I was really irked by that time. Possibly, all he wanted was some company and was too drunk to express it clearly. Whatever be the case. I got disgusted and he lost all that respect I had for him. 

That's one big time trouble of society all around. Men take women to be only as entertainment. As flesh and body. That's it. Ofcourse, they have other men as friends to chill out with and talk to. With so much patriarchy, not many women could evolve enough to actually live out as much or be in better connections. Most of the women are still bound by hundreds of unrequited boundations, or are insecure and crave attention or validation to feel useful... That reduces scope of female friendship so much. And when the few female who somehow break these shackles and expect friendship in society as humans, then either they meet jealous females judging them or they meet hungry despo men who treat them as objects .. 

Life becomes really lonely when you evolve.. either you let them feed on you. Or you be on your own... There be another possibility of getting boring connections..  aah! Where's the quality there? 

It's the flaws that become the binding element somehow amidst people... Like either you drink or smoke up or bitch about a common enemy or something... I seek the other end... Creative collaborations.. doing fun activities together. Creating together. Being there for each other. Not in an obsessed psycho kind of way. Not by making other your emotional dustbin or something. But by maintaining healthy kind of connections. Caring for each other. Being happy together. Where the other is not responsible for your well being. Each is responsible for their own happiness. Yet, if any low comes, you be there for each other as a pillar of strength. Were connections do not be utilitarian. But more platonic, liberal, freeing, caring, supporting, happenning - that lead to evolution. 

Till then, I am good on my own I guess. For society really saddens me at times.  

I am in two pig tails today. In a white speghetti that has two eyes upon my bosom and a face as a print. I have it back from graduation days... Crazy know. How few clothes go the distance with us. The shorts I am wearing are just an year old. But they are much more worn out than this top. Top still looks good as new. And it has been with me for more than 14-15 years. Crazy!

It's getting cloudy every now and then today. Maybe it's a good day to be out. Though the Sun scares me so much that I skip day time all together these days. I just can't handle heat. Still bearing the repurcussion of being out the entire day of Holi. Got to heal my skin first.. 

Though it feels better to be a bit tanned. I look the same with or without washing my face. Ha ha. No need to bother much about my face. I look the same - a bit dusky all the time. Ha ha. 

I am almost done writing my next book. And now I can't access my lapi to type it out. Today I would surely get it repaired. It takes a minimum of two three days then to type, edit, click pictures of sketches and paintings .. basically make it into a book. Well, I do trust the divine timing. All is happening for the best. 

I need to be in my element. Need to stay grounded. That's what.. come what may. 

Last evening I had such bad dreams that it impacted my entire outing... I don't even want to write it out here. It was so bad. It also had a dream inside dream. And both the dreams were pretty similar. Equally bad. Won't tell you. For don't want any of that to come true. But ya, that could have been a part of my anxiety last evening. Why I was seeking company to distract myself. I do get massively impacted by my dreams. At times they beware me. At times they make me free. Somehow I always remember most of them. Or atleast I do remember the key points often times. 

Ok then my love...  See you tomorrow. Guess, we somehow managed to meet today. 

Hope it was worth your time. 

Love you. 

Mmmmmuuuaaah! 

...........

March 21st, 2025 

8: 40 A.M. 

Good morning meri jaan. Don't even ask. Reason be the same old. Am here. That's what matters. 

Totally middle of my sleep. 

Was just having a dream where there were a group of super smart brothers and sisters who all were epic at sketching or art. One of their brothers gave them an intoxicant one day and told them to sketch. The kids in those siblings were ofcourse not aware of what they were given. On being called to their neighborhood house they did a wall art of a rose upon a wall secretively. Coincidentally, in that house, people were trying to come up with some rare art. When they found that piece on their wall as a surprise, they got too shocked and tried to find the artist. Meanwhile, the other two siblings )elder ones - were out upon their own night adventures. One of them chasing love, another running away for some reason.... Don't remember much. Just woke up thinking of you suddenly. The group of siblings however could have have got inspired from the series I was watching a few days ago... 

Anyway, let's try waking up first. 

To imagine, I was awake till 7:40.. that's how I am missing to be with you on time these days - just by minutes. I was fully awake just an hour back. Mind is a mystery of its own and so is life! 

It was such a cloudy beautiful morning today that I was even considering to go up on terrace. But then I stayed back to charge my phone a bit more. Neither the phone got charged, rather I passed out as well... 

Well, I did go last early evening to get atleast my lapi's charger fixed. Turns out, the adopter got fused because of fluctuations in electricity. He was like, atleast your laptop got saved. Well, I had to buy a new adopter cable..I did check at couple of places, they only had a duplicate one. I wasn't sure about that. I needed the original. The price difference is double but I can't risk the lapi just because of few bucks... So yeah! Hopefully woud get an original charger today. 

Oh, I was supposed to go to Chamunda maata shakt peeth last evening with someone. I was even ready by that time. But the guy got late to check the scene with me and by the time he did message, I was helping a neighbour with some phone issues with my phone on silent. I couldn't go. Well, I had actually left the plan too on time. I wasn't sure of going with him. Rather, I was less interested. 

Though I respect all but I still like to be choosy with the company I keep. 

Whomever that we spend time with, totally impacts our energy. 

Evening passed by Pushkaraj! Including dusk. Simply looking at the lake, the sky, the various processions, the people passing by! 

Then I visited a known one's cafe who is super nice. There's a kid there who is in class 10th. There is a strange connection I have with him. We inspire each other for something or other. It's always nice to be there and talk to him. Last evening they all had time and the owner even offered me Sheetla Maata's prasad that included colored fries, dry golgappas, pakaude and so on... Anything home cooked means way a lot to me. They carry homely love and that makes it special. That guy is really nice and so are the people who work there. Each be a great human being there with a hard working spirit and maturity to deal with any and all... I like them all. 

Post grocery shopping and other ordinary moments, I went for Sheetla Maata's satsang and lost myself transcended on bhakti for next six hours. 9 to 3 A.M. imagine that! 

Ofcourse, by the time I returned, had bath, had dinner or breakfast; it was early morning and then Sun visiting my room's window followed by a full morning and there I was waiting for you... Untill I passed out and here I am.

As I mentioned the satsang, my ears resumed the background of bhajans as my body began to pass out again just now. Music has a strange way of retaining in system... Like when I had returned from that techno party on Holi, for hours afterwards my ears could still hear techno around - including in the sound of bike...it's rather beautiful to hear bhajans all the time in my head... At times I feel I have got the key to Satyuga. That I instead often live at that dimension. Even the practices people do around me suggest the same. So does my social media or internet (whatever it is called - the thing that triggers a certain kind of content upon your media platforms) (like adwords or search history leading to those advertisements or requests and such. 

Aah! It is just impossible to stay awake today. Don't even have much battery in my phone... These days I have become quite detached with my phone.  I just don't feel like capturing much! 

It's nice to instead be in the moments and live them rather than make boring moments appear to be extraordinary.

On my long night stroll day before yesterday I had found a cute pup tied outside some hotel. He reminded me so much of my own dog Pompom. Same physique, same age and same nakhre... I miss Pompom a lot honestly. May he remain happy and strong wherever he may be. 

These days I am thinking of Rishikesh again and again. Rather for past few months. As if Ganga is calling me. But I don't want to go for solo travel like always there. Nor do I want it to be a basic travel. I really wish to live there with a group of high vibed souls... And live there for atleast a month or even more... And create... I don't know what! Can be music, can be a film. I wish to be invited there and live there with like minded souls. And bath in Ganga each morning. And enhance my frequency with mountains and good people around. Well, it's a wish. That's the only wish that my mind is showing me. Other than that I really have no other desire for upcoming future... Can be another reason why I am continuing to live on over here. 

For I am unsure about where to go next! Bored of Manali now. In terms of travel it can only be North East or Uttarakhand next. In terms of work it can be anywhere provided the project be great! 

Yesterday though I was feeling thankful for so many good things and people around. Including my guest house owner who didn't turn greedy like many, instead let me stay on in the same room at the time of Holi. Or the guy who calls me to all these events always ensuring to let me know about them and ensuring that I feel accepted and welcomed. Or those numerous kids that meet and greet me wherever that I go with so much of love. The kids in satsangs who shower me with flowers again and again as if they all be Gods themselves...the Ram-Rams exchanged with so many around thanks to whom I too take God's name! Seriously, often that I feel as if I be in Satyuga... Though it all is interlapped and more of my own internal frequency. For that's what becomes my outer reality! 

Pushkar has helped me expand my heart again. Though I seek quality connections to collaborate. But it also taught me grounding and being empowered on my own. It's a balance that I learned the most this time. 

Alright my love. Catch you tomorrow. Loads of love for you. It's again a less sunny day today. I would however first sleep. Always hoping for a miracle. Always believing in magic! 

Love you. 

Mmmmuuuaah! 

......

March 22^nd, 2025

 

8 A.M.

 

Good morning yo! Full power salaam! It’s a sunny morning it feels beautiful. I have been awake the entire night chilling, creating, being, spending quality time with myself and feeling good. Painted again last night. Even cleaned my room. Pampered myself with numerous plaits of hair. Felt grateful for such a cosy room of my own with yellow fairy lights, picnic edibles to go on the entire night… oh ya, even spent last night with maggie and Moon and coffee after a long time. I just love coffee!!! Because of weather and my stomach that I had cut it short. But oh, the bliss I felt just with a coffee under a golden moon after so long.

Right now, there is a beautiful healing music plugged into my ears. There’s handpan in it, mild instrumental guitar and a female giving echoing tribal kind of vocals. I don’t even know the language. But, its healing. Here’s the link to it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mke3GVW4GQ4

These are my kind of vibes. Seriously. So peaceful.

Generally, though, I judge foreigner chicks in Goa talking about chakras and yoni healing and stuff and all they do is touch and touch and seem so pretentious. Not all. But most. But ya, this one in the video is mind-touching. Her voice is healing. That’s how I identify people as well when listening to them in videos or in real life… Our voice is a big-time reflection of our thoughts and life.

Every living or non-living thing on earth has a sound allotted to it. These sounds also represent their qualities. Metals have such scrapping voice. Water has healing or at times even scary or deep or sound of centuries. Water be the symbol of all emotions. Air is breezy. It oftentimes collabs with leaves or locks or water or hollow concaves carrying ether – and thus happen the best of amalgamations. Air can also sound scary when it be a storm. Fire has a burning sound to it. Every animal has a voice. Each human too has a unique voice. People who shout or get angry a lot have a coarseness about their voice even when they talk normally. People who often stay silent, have a calmer, sweeter voice at a lower note. At times, few people carry voices that don’t match them. For example, few beautiful birds have the strangest of voices. Likewise with humans. Yet, most often, voice is a big-time reflection of one’s nature, character, intentions, life style. My senses are super-sensitive. I smell more, hear more, feel any touch way more and so on. There be certain sounds that my ears totally ignore. There be certain sounds that my ears specially catch on. Metal sound annoys me. So does scrapping or loud sounds of news channels or phone sounds. While I love good live music, or voice of people with pure hearts. I love the sound of water and good music. Music can be as loud, my ears don’t get impacted by it. Yet someone talking loudly impacts me a lot. And so on… Various voices of various people does help me identify if I wish to further be in contact or not or till what length.

I visited an ashram two months back. Everyone so welcoming there. My only issue was a T.V. switched on showing news of some sort. I don’t know why it bothers my mind so much. It feels as if it be all negativity or stress being telecasted with all those beats and dramatic music and I just fail to bear it regardless where I be. Another reason why I don’t like regular life. People be hooked to such channels or life, and it bothers my mind so much. I had to politely take a leave even from that ashram. I respected them a lot to complain against the only entertainment someone may have in his day at his own place. Likewise, even at home or at others’ homes… of course, there must be a value to it – for news channels have been running on for years… But they don’t give me information. Instead, my mind gets triggered and I feel extremely irritated. The sounds become intolerable. Drama of any kind does impact me a lot. And somehow life again and again throws people at me of similar kind. I need to learn to evolve from this pain. Music helps me do that. I then either sing or put earphones. Whatever be available. Or, if possible, I switch on A.C. or fans or any sound to kill the sound disturbing me. Like I said, I am super sensitive. And I can’t help it.

This moment though is to appreciate the healing aspect of this music. Don’t know why I began to talk about myself and my triggers.

Maybe the music helped that flow out of me. Who knows?

I am thinking of buying hemp clothes. I love hemp. For years, I had this dream of having my own merchandise of hemp products – self designed. Now though, there are numerous options out in the market. I would wait a bit for season to close a bit more. But ya, I love whites and I love hemp clothes.

The other day, while sitting by Pushkarraj, I was simply observing the crowd. I noticed such a massive difference between foreigners and Indians. All those foreigners seemed so relaxed. The women were free and expressive. The men were treating them so respectfully. Everyone was graceful. Many had musical instruments. They were dressed comfortably – as one should in such heat. It felt so relaxing just to look at them.

In contrast were fat bulgy Indian men walking with their heads held high in some useless ego, with their women following them decked in heavy clothes with their heads covered pointed down…

Not like I have anything against my culture or dresses. Nor am I foreigner obsessed. I take everyone to be humans. But as an observer… The difference was so noticeable. I just don’t understand why do Indian men have such massive egos. Honestly, we create the most immature kind of Men in our country. For they don’t even have basic life skills like cooking or cleaning. True, earning is given importance when it comes to men. And the society be so patriarchal that even when women try, they fail to earn as much. Though these days women are good even in that department. But talking about men – they be so immensely dependent upon women. No matter it is in taking care of home or household or relations… Yet they carry such ego – that they be the heads – of what?

Humans should be treated with equal respect regardless of gender or caste or what they do or where they stand!

There be double standards in the society where when men go out it’s part of life… and when a woman goes out, there be hundreds of eyes upon her – either mis-judging her or ill-calling her or finding her not suitable.

I feel thankful to be way evolved from such mentality. My education helped me evolve. But even back then, though I learned way more, but I was supposed to survive the society still clutched in mentality of centuries ago. And specially here in Pushkar, patriarchy be such a massive issue. They highlight any foreigner girl dancing. They make videos specially highlighting her body. As if those two three foreigner girls were the only ones dancing. One can see even old men lusting over them like dogs. And these be the same men who keep their own wives under boundaries back at their homes. No local women ever comes out to celebrate or dance together with other people. Their own family restricts them. Though they say that everyone is welcome, but that’s not the truth. There be so many rules and restrictions that specially apply to women while men can do whatever they want, with whomever they want – as long as they keep it outside and hidden.

I am not judging here. All I feel like seeing is an equal society. In Goa, true, most of the people live promiscuously. But there be no gender discrimination there. Here, patriarchy becomes prominent – not only on the name or culture but even religion. Years ago, I had gone for one procession here where a lady was scolded because she had touched the feet of God’s statue. Immediately the priest scolded her saying that she wasn’t allowed to touch because she was a woman. Do you know whose statues were there upon that palanquin? Of Krishna and Radha! On one hand they were carrying the statue of Radha making her a goddess. On another, a real-life woman with devotion was rather told to not touch a statue just because she was a woman. There be immense gender discrimination here.

True, Patriarchy be there all over the world. But comparatively, foreigners seem way more sorted to me. At least they don’t discriminate. They live and let live. I don’t know why foreigners come here. For under the name of religion, there also lives such selfish, discriminating society that literally insults women at any given opportunity.

It has not been my personal experience. Everyone respects me here. Talks nicely to me. But I am talking more as an observer observing the society. The way women are given back seats even in satsangs or events. The way all the major seats, mikes, powers positions – are all mostly taken by men. Or else, a woman has to entertain – do a fire dance or something to get on stage.

Foreigners though are of course treated only as a show piece over here. People actually give these foreigners chicks money to come as a guest in weddings or parties. How shallow! Lol!

Well, even the foreigner girls laugh at the stupidity and take the easy money. They get to experience an Indian wedding.

At times I pity the shallowness of my country.

Not to say that I only see flaws. We have a history of being way more developed than these foreigners. It is rather Mughal invasions and British conquests that led to our downfall – even in terms of rituals or values or lifestyle. Indian women hardly even used to wear a blouse for it was considered unhealthy to tighten your bosom. Our weather wasn’t supportive. Sarees were an airy way to cover the body yet have ventilation. Weddings used to happen during day time. Women had such power that they used to have swayamwars to choose the perfect men for themselves. Men had to become brave to earn the respect or dignity in society. Nobody had hollow egos but asuras who of course were mostly made to meet the result of it.

Aah! I flowed again!

Well, I had decided not to talk about this topic anymore. I am but a visitor here in Pushkar. I can simply focus upon the good side and leave them to their plight. Women seem quite content with patriarchy here. And I don’t want to fight others’ fight. I would always remain an outsider and I am rather glad and grateful for that. Though, it does give me a secret joy when someone calls me a local. For I do indeed love this place, love the bhakti here. But I don’t really want to belong to a discriminating society. And do I really belong if I don’t have friends over here. There be either guys seeking something, or those unable to process their own life – finding some break from it.

I do have a bhakti group. I feel grateful for that. But as such, I have to always be in my limit. Can’t talk more than that. For regardless of their age, anybody can make an attempt – and I don’t want that.

Alright, about yesterday! Aah! The music made me flow randomly in so many ways. Let’s come back to the daily life.

I finally got my lapi’s charger. I new one. That too original. It was a bit expensive but I don’t want to take chances with the laptop.

I visited a café late evening. Wrote few poems. These days, I am even writing in Hindi at times. Would share a poem here later on.

 

 

It gives me much more joy to write in Hindi than English. Because English flows like breathing out of me. I write and write English poems as I think or feel. But Hindi poems come out so rarely out of me. They happen when I really feel something from my soul. So, they release something really deep. They therefore make me way happier.

Have played soft French songs now. So romantic. Wanna listen?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPZ_fA1ysXY

 

I am having Limca today! Ha ha!

I had never been into carbonated drinks. Yet these days, I am feeling like having it. So, I am listening to my body. Also, hoping to heal the constipation I have been suffering with. Also, the heat makes me not at all hungry. I am tired of juices and chaach. Can’t have coffee. Can’t even have much tea. So, cold drinks seem to be the only option now. Had I been at home, or in my childhood or teenage, I would have had custard day and night by now. But yeah! Life changed. One needs to do with where one be and what one has!

 

I did attend Krishna’s procession also last evening. Though I just visit him, feel the vibe and then return back. I don’t really stay for horse dances and stuff. I always wonder about the conditions the horses are kept in. Also, I don’t find dancing horses entertaining. I would much more like to see them running free in a ground. Though, I too absolutely love horse-riding. But I don’t know. Maybe, I imagine them well kept in some farm without any iron heels and then would love to ride them. Here though, they only wear ghunghroos and are made to dance upon sand. I don’t think it is inhuman. Just doesn’t suit them as per me. Horses are meant to run wild and free! Not dance in a crowd entertaining people.

Alright my love! Let’s talk tomorrow. I don’t know why I am feeling like talking on today. But yeah! Things are better in a limit. Aaj ke liye itna hi.

Loads of Love.

Take care yo! Wherever you be. In whichever dimension.

Remember to to pamper yourself. Remember to dress well. Remember to keep on creating. Remember to do art for art’s sake. Remember that music be the best and biggest therapy. Remember that regardless of the society around you, be so in touch with yourself, that you don’t get impacted by it. Do what is right.

Loads of Love!

Mmmmmmuuuah!

And ya, don’t be a people pleaser. People can be as stupid as one can be. Or people can be wise and experienced as well. What matters is for you to observe and listen to your own inner voice and then decide if something is right or not or if someone is right or not. Kindness and liking someone are two different things. Everyone deserves respects regardless of their work, caste, age or gender. Yet, clear lines need to be drawn when it comes to who has access to you time or heart!

Loads of Love!

Mmmmmuuuah….

A slow romantic dance with you in a shaded room somewhere on a sunny morning with loads of greens outside our window… hopefully it be raining!

 

See you tomorrow yo!

 

Aaah! This music though is not letting me leave. It’s simply so romantic. I feel like dancing. I feel like loving.

My heart feels pretty expanded these days and I am grateful for that. And this music. Oh, this music.

What say? Wanna join me to some imaginary plain? Though we just did. But why not?

A world made of clouds. With a bright golden moon. The same music. You and I. There be a turquoise river somewhere. A land of grass super green. Comfy mounts to roll from. Noone else but us to run by. We laughing, talking, teasing, running. We dressed in comfy white. Lying upon grass. Rolling by the mounts. Now cycling. Now, dancing.

Now lying next to each other. Staring into each other’s eyes!

You just said something witty! I laugh and even get turned on.

You gently let your finger run down from my face till my nape. I giggle a bit. You hold me close.

The music continues…

You hold my waist and pull me towards you. This time with haq. As if I belong to only you.

Our lips collide! And we flow… right along with the music… each pore… each breath… each laughter… eyes locked into each other… eyes closed…

Music continues…

We feel!

Love you!

See you tomorrow!

 

Amore’!

 

…………

 

 March 23, 2025

 

8 A.M.

 

Good morning my love! Along with the first glimpse of Sun! Continuining the music where we left last time… Same like those connections that don’t get impacted by the passage of time… But the love only increases and connection continues where one left it…

Along with the charger of my lapi, as if life has returned back to me. Uff! All these series, the emotions! This be the only way I experience feelings! Though last evening I could find a beautiful evening and night in Pushkar. It was the last day of Krishna’s procession – everyone was celebrating rang basant Panchami. Families ensured to make rangolis outside their houses – everywhere before the procession passed from there. Men, women, kids – everybody contributed. Back at home, it was only my job to do a rangoli on Diwali. Here, everyone seemed like a pro with commendable designs in such less time. Even if they knew that soon so many would walk over it along with the procession. But they all gave their best. I found the creative side even in men. I really liked what one of the priests here did with the designs. The work of white. I found the designs to be so different and unique. So much I liked two of the patterns that I even copied them in my diary. Even my guest house people were making it outside. I had to literally control myself to not go down there and help them. It was however cute to find the owner coming up with a pattern so calculatively. Also, it resembled so much with one of my own paintings. With numerous stars and a flower in the middle. The procession had numerous dances with all pomp and show. People personifying Gods. I was waiting for the Krishna’s statue. Somehow, each day it gave me a new vibe and joy all these passing days. The evening before, I found so much of love just by passing by that. I wanted to touch the statue, wished to dance upon bhajans, and guess what, I even wished to ride the horses walking in front. I realised that a kid inside me was still alive but I had to control it.

Last night, I remembered my own childhood when I too used to become Radha on Janamashtami or school functions always and dance upon various devotional songs. I had not expected myself to actually enjoy all those dances. But it was amazing. I was watching it all from my terrace. And though I really wished to be down there with a clearer vision, but I just stayed up and watched by.

That’s one big issue with me. I so love to participate in everything. I think, that’s the biggest thing I have learned growing up – to not participate and observe. Not just outside but even my internal feelings at times. Though I would always be a first bencher in life. But no writer ever lives while writing. One needs to keeps on switching between feeling and observing. between living and portraying… It’s extremely rare when you are right In the moment and also expressing your feelings about it. But those rare amalgamations are seriously the best!

Oh, I even went for a ride last night. Rode an electric scooty for the first time with an old acquaintance. That kind of scooty simply doesn’t make a single sound. It was so weird and smooth to ride it. It felt as if I was riding upon a slant with engine off. But the engine was on. Oh, and there was no need to start it again and again. It simply remains on… All you need to use is Race and the scooty stops when you leave the race. There is no need to apply break. It was super easy to ride it. My companion said, ‘darti kyun hai? Darna nai. Bindaas chala.’ – when I hesitated upon an off road. That was the single statement of the night. We even went out to couple of desolate places under stars. But yeah, he was all about what next what next… And possibly was expecting something else. So, we came back pretty early. But ya, I went out, rode and some how I wasn’t hurt by his expectations or lack of excitement. I didn’t have many hopes.

That’s what! it’s expectations that bring disappointments. I need to learn to accept people how they are. Not like I am looking for a partner. Friends can be of all kinds and nobody is born mature about how to treat others.

Maybe I am. Somehow, something deep in, expects still the best from everyone I meet. Even those younger or elder than me. Specially from those who be the same age as me. I feel, why don’t these men understand such basic things? Why are women so massively objectified or seen only as entertainment? Do these men have no emotional needs? Do they have no mind to discuss anything that may be of value to the mind or society?

These days I am looking at an old series called Rishta.com. It was a sony’s show maybe from the time of my own teenage. But it is now that I have discovered it and they release it also in the same old fashion. One episode each day for five days a week. Yet, each episode is enough on its own, so one is never left hanging in between. You get pretty content with each episode. There is a girl and guy there who are partners and who run a matrimonial company along with few other same interesting characters. Few characters keep on changing like the couples they arrange to meet with each other and other supporting characters. What I like the most is the chemistry between the main two protagonists – the guy and girl. They were college friends and later partners. They never had anything else between them. They say that they are not of each other’s type. But the connection they share between each other, the care, the space to be their own selves, the support, the way they complement each other’s entirely opposite being – it actually makes them perfect for each other. Their platonic love seems even better and deeper than any other chemistry one can ever have. I rather want to see them together for they despite of their differences, complete each other.

 It's snowing in Manali. My lapi is synched to the weather of Manali’s location. I just never changed it for I like to still stay connected to my manali. Yet, all this while, I felt a bit jealous of anyone still there in snow, for I do miss my Manali. All though, despite of visiting it for past 12 years… more or less spending half a year each year there… and still, I always return back disappointed by the society. The vibes are only getting corrupted more and more there. But the nature! Oh! The nature! That remains the same. And that is what pulls me. But I no more spend as much time in forests or on mountains trekking or tripping. I have grown up. I have work to do now. And that’s why I have to be more in people. Also, now without intoxicants – the society becomes even more apparent to observe. I miss that village like purity there. But yeah! It is time to move my location now. It would still be mountains ofcourse. But somewhere still less impacted by vices of city.

‘And when the dawn calls us back

My love will stay upon your skin’

 

That French collection of songs is really amazing. I have rather pinned that playlist upon my chrome. I had not even expected to write anything to you this morning. So blank was I before our date. And just 3 minutes ago that I played this playlist – and even I am wondering at the way my fingers are racing right now!

I have begun a new Turkish series. Left the last one in between. Everyone used to shout and yell there and people had so many issues. I mean, at least for my entertainment I either like to watch something informative or something light, even funny, or motivating… but ya! Don’t need stress. Don’t want to watch poverty.

Even the series must impact our own frequency, right? I fell in love with the hero of this one right from the first scene! Haven’t checked out who he is. Don’t even remember the name of the series. But yeah! I got hooked to his face and then all the things were there in it that I like. Mountains… farm houses… horses… sports cars… helicopters… powerful female protagonist… I really like Turkish people a lot. I find them super beautiful – both males and females. This one is dubbed in Hindi. So no extra jaan and alla alla as well. Ha ha! Although, I really like urdu. I somehow find it quite deep and more touching. Like there is a big time difference between prem and Mohabbat. Though, ‘prem’ feels purer and platonic to me and ‘Mohabbat’ seems more crazier and way more intense.

I am missing Delhi a lot these days. The other day I heard a great poem on Delhi and somehow I felt as if the poem was intead about me. Though I know that even if I go there, I won’t be able to live Delhi the way I miss it. Any place becomes a certain feeling for us because of our memories there and those memories are most often attached with other people. Like Bangalore became that special to me because I became independent there and along with most of my jobs, I had such meaningful connections there. Quality connections, travel, riding, living independently, painting, clubbing – so much.

Delhi too means so much to me because I did five years of my college there. I don’t really miss my school days or moments at home when it comes to missing Delhi as a city. I do miss my college days. The people I had, the places I visited along with them… all those late nights… friends all around… friends to hang out with… friends to tease… I even miss Delhi’s malls though I am not much of a mall kind of girl. But with a certain friend, I loved going out to watch eachand every movie whenever it released and always go for caramel popcorns and later discuss the movie along with street side momos. Or with another, I didn’t mid going for long bike rides even in scorching sunlight – just to talk and have some quality time. With my grad friends, Kamla nagar was the place to be. More than that our entire college campus. Ofcourse hugs with my grad bestie. Even the washroom of college – for it was our meeting point in between lectures. I miss staying in Vijay Nagar as well. Even if that was the filthiest life I ever had. But I had so many friends around and I had love back then. Though, that love was toxic. But I was immature and so were people around. And we lived the most. I don’t miss living there. I more miss that feeling of being with comfy people around. Jahan jahan jao, sab apne hain… garmi lage to ATM mei jaa kar thandi hawa khao… sardi lage, to ganesh bhaiya ke paas group bna kar chai pee lo…Kahin bhi aag jala lo.. bamboos ke paas between lectures baithe raho.. poore din gappe maaro… beech raat bhi nikloge to kuch na kuch khula milega and kitne hi apne mil jayenge… and din mei to ofcourse sab hai hi… jahan college ghar tha and ghar college… dost room par aney se pehle jug bhar ke ganne ka juice lane bolte aate they… meri kitchen mei pehle cups dhote they aur sab ke liye chai bnate they… jahan nai induction gas poora group celebrate karta tha… aur meri life ke pehle kachche pake chawal bhi sab itne pyaar se kha lete they… aah! College memories!

I may go to those theatres but it won’t be the same experience… I may go visit malls, but it would be tasteless. I may even go to kamla nagar but without my frinds around shouting, chilling, singing out loud, judging others – it would all be tasteless. I may go visit Vijay Nagar, but without my home there, my classes the next day, my friends around – it would be but a dirty filty locality where I once lived in my teens!

Anyway, that’s that! Though, I would have never liked Delhi had I not had my college there. Even the classy side was all thanks to my friends. Though the monuments and my love for them was all my own. I explored them mostly on my own and even took my friends and cousins along – when and if they wanted to. I love ancient places. And Delhi has such solid history. I could always transcend to some other time whenever I visited those monuments.

Another reason why I fell in love with Pushkar the first time I came here. It was ancient. The entire city – with such rich history. The first eight months I could keep on digging in. I wrote a long narrative of more than 1 lakh 50 thousand words… around 350 pages… can you believe it? I still can’t! although, I still haven’t got it published. I wanted to get it traditionally published. But without an agent or contacts, the process is next to impossible. I don’t have much faith in self-publishing. I do believe that one day that book too would be out and the way I wish for it.

Though the book carries such massive knowledge and wisdom – everything that I gathered and learned in those eight months… but my feeling changed and they still change – each year that I visit Pushkar. I don’t want to become so detached that by the time that original book gets published, I be totally disenchanted by my experiences over here. Well, publishing process takes time or so I am told.

Sometimes I wish for some solid support – someone guidance, someone who knew the ins and outs of this particular field and how to go about it – to actually publish my books successfully. I write and write for that’s something I can’t live without. It’s more of my own need than responsibility. I feel I am born to write. I have been writing from age nine. Though, now I am seeking something all together different. Have written so much about travel, spirituality, psychology, philosophies, emotions, people and places… now it needs to be something different.

Or else, I might switch to making movies. For these days, people hardly read. Books seem to be replaced by movies and movies seem to be replaced by reels! Society is lacking patience and things are becoming quicker and quicker. Though nothing can replace the feeling one gets when one imagines while reading a book. Every emotion is given a word, each thought is written clearly… and one imagines so much… I think, I have such wide imagination all thanks to thousands of books I read growing up!

O.k. then my love! Let me catch up later.

Loads of Love!

Mmmmmmmuuuahhhhh

 

………………………………

 

 March 24, 2025

8 P.M.

Hello my love! Surprised? Sorry couldn't catch up in morning. Had slept after two days in morning itself so missed the alarm. .

Still, wanted to ensure our daily catch up - looking at the number of days we have left .. it's too less! 

Aah! I am gonna miss you. Though, it was so different being with you. Finding magic in the ordinary. 

O.k., so I am sitting in a cafe right now. Had begun my Pushkar journey from here years ago. The first place I ever visited in Pushkar. My first ever stay was here. 

Since, I may leave Pushkar soon, each visit of mine over here feels like the last one! Yet the last time I had left Pushkar, I had decided to never ever be here. Yet I returned. Rather lived here for past six months. So I can't say this time too, that it would be a farewell for ever, for one never knows... Also, deep in I am quite emotional. I do get attached to people and places emotionally. Not in an obsessed manner but more from the level of heart.

Oh, I bought a lot many essential oils today. They are my weekness... For past six months I had been wishing to go to that shop and but fragrances... Finally I did that. Bought Tea tree oil, Lavender, Rosemerry, Rose, Oudh, Lemon grass, Turkish Oudh... And the shopowner gifted me with Pink flower and denim musk... I always used to buy musk from here. That's one of my favorite fragrances. Tea tree is really good for healing. Lemon grass and Rosemerry both are therapeutic... I make something many products back home with these oils like lip balms, skin serums, hair oil, therapy oils, aroma diffusers and so on... Oudh is another favorite of mine for it provides this earthy kind of fragrance, as if water be making love to dry soil... Like the smell of fresh rain... I love it... 

And ofcourse, Can't live without lavender. That's my all time favourite. It provides divine protection as well. 

Couldn't tell you about yesterday though. My day began quite early. Had not slept. Was chilling watching a series that an acquaintance from Ajmer invited me out. He doesn't like naming connection. He says that today's friend turns into tomorrow's enemy. So I already call him an enemy. He also reads all my books and this blog so can't bitch about him. Lol. Well, he is a sweet soul and totally an enemy for he took me for the longer wya that too at 1 O'clock's scorching heat. But I had made him wait as well. Guess, it was fair. Ha ha. 

We visited one of his favorite cafes that offered pretty bland shakes. Uff! I just don't know why people turn vegan... I can't live without dairy. Also, turning vegan doesn't mean that you would suck out any and all flavours out of life... Well, atleast they serve healthy. 

Also, the story of the owner of that cafe was pretty inspiring. She faced a lot in her life with constant move and all kinds of people and finally landed in Pushkar where she felt that she actually belonged. And here that she opened a cafe with her family at the age of 60 plus... Interesting know. She inspired me to begin whatever I want and do whatever I like regardless of age or time.. also my companion philosophised, telling me to work for my dreams... Like I said, he is a sweet soul... Trying to heal all the mistakes of men I come across by trying to do what I need... If I mention I feel like hanging out, he tried to come to meet the very next day. When I say, I seek intellectual conversation, he pops up Osho and his concepts. Ha ha. So cute. 

Anyway, we even went and met his crush last afternoon. And I kept teasing him about it the entire day. We also visited one more place where my hubshi mode turned on. Any day when I don't sleep enough, I turn super hungry. So I dived into food and he simply looked at me all shocked with my eating capacity. Ha ha. 

I did catch up power nap late afternoon on returning back and then went out to an all together new cafe. I ordered a chilled frappe there and along with sounds of nagada, evening aarti, bhajans downstairs, mild music and numerous conversations of foreigners around; I worked upon my upcoming book. The next few hours it was just my lapi and I... And then, guess what... I found Krishna's procession once again on the streets... Totally unexpected. This time, upclose! It was a sweet surprise. As if Krishna ensured to meet me even after what I had thought to be the procession's last day. 

Well, I was tired so returned back to my room. Had an early dinner but couldn't sleep still. The entire night was entertainment and finally passed out early morning... 

This turkish series that I am watching... It's name is 'Bold and beautiful'... Though, it says that the guy is super bold and the girl is beautiful... But I find the guy super handsome and the girl quite smart and powerful. They totally fit each other. The hero looks so so handsome. I love guys with a beard. His stature is tall, muscular, a bit long curly hair, little moustache, decent beard... And not only is he handsome, but witty, caring, gentle, brave, strong, a leader... 

The girl has a pixie cut as her hairstyle. I miss my short hair though I prefer longer hair. But yeah, short hair are so convenient. You can wash them everyday and they don't bother you. They are just there. They make one look younger and chic. Though, I also feel that her face is super beautiful. With longer hair, she would have looked almost an angel. 

B.t.w. a kid actually called me 'apsara' di last evening. Lmao... And he actually meant it. It wasn't a name mistake! 

Right now, it's a starry night. I am sitting right in front of Pushkarraj. There are happy people around. Cafe has yellow lights and lot of plants. I feel at peace. I am dressed in a back speggatitie and rugged jeans with pink shrug. Possibly that's why the guy gifted me with perfume called pink flower. Oh, the shrug actually has tiny flowers upon it - I just noticed. 

This is something I love about Pushkar. It boosts the femininity in me. I feel more feminine here. I feel like dressing up and alliterating myself with jewels and chunks. In Himachal I prefer to be simple and comfortable with as less accesories as possible. Though there too I have lived all that hoppie lifestyle years ago .. but ya! Here I really take care of myself. Each evening that I dress up and then go out... Which is all crucial. 

These days, because Moon is in waning phase, it actually visits my room through window middle of might. I always get super thrilled to be able to look at moon from my room regardless where I be. 

Long back, once, I was in Laddakh... I guess in a village called Diskit or somewhere close to Nubra valley. I was lost... Had found a room with much difficulty late at night... The owner was super nice. That entire room was pretty huge and had a massive glass window on one wall. Late at night after a tiresome day, when I had finally felt safe and comfy in that room... A giant golden moon had visited my room.. not only was I enthralled by that guest house's lady owner's kindness, but that Moon had totally made the night super magical. 

That night onwards, any day that I find Moon visiting any of my windows and I get transcended to Laddakh instead. Isn't it amazing how few moments become such significant memories that they almost become time capsules or portals powerful enough to make you psychologically travel!!! 

It's the first evening conversation we are having. This is my preferred time of interacting as well. I have never been a morning person. Most of my dates with time also happened at night time. It's only with you, and another blog 6 A.M. that also happened in Pushkar; and the first ever blog 5 A.M.  that are morning blogs. Technically speaking even 4 A.M. would be morning for it be Bhramma Muhrat. But ya, basically without daylight.... 

That's something I also observed in Turkish series. They so insist upon showing early mornings of their protagonists... And they showcase healthy habits as well..like girl going for a morning run or boy working out... They show their bodies and nature like that... But ya... Looking at everyone with morning light and pretty jazzed up for the day - also keeps the energy of the show alive. Last night I wanted to sleep but they were having such energetic mornings and mornings... And I was like, how can I feel sleepy when they are all powered for the day.... Lol.... Also, the background music is something that keeps the mind totally grooved to the series. Turkish music like their perfumes is pretty Mystical and something I adore.... Another reason why I bought that Turkish Oudh perfume today.... Back in Goa, I had also found pretty amazing Turkish musical instruments .. I had never seen such instruments... They had a hypnotic quality to their sound... And those turkish musicians in one of the videos I saw of Rishikesh, they even sang in such a way that one could totally get lost in the mazes of the musician's voice and world.. it really fascinates me - turkish music.

 I think I have some past life connection to Turkey. In one of the past life regression therapy sessions, I had also seen myself in Turkistan as a person from there. I wasn't even aware of the country or culture back then, but the details that I had seen there were so apt that I later checked... 

Even growing up... I don't know why those series attract me. Many a times, the patriarchy shown there or the drama impacts me... For it is not at par with my own beliefs... Yet, something that pulls me to their culture. I find the people super attractive, even their food seems tempting (atleast their desserts, if not the non veg dishes)... I even get tempted to have their black tea though I am much of a tea person... I love their language... Though, ofcourse I have to see dubbed series... But there have been one or two super long series that I actually saw in Turkish language with English subtitles... Back then, I had even learned a few words... Evet means Yes. Aahir means No. Chabuk chabuk means hurry hurry... Etc... 

When they dub it, half the magic is gone, I know. I feel like listening to the original voice of those characters .. I feel like understanding their own language when I watch them acting... 

But ya, I also have pretty solid opinions about many things they promote on the name of entertainment... But ya, everything has pros and cons... And regardless, something in me gets pulled by turkish culture for sure! 

See, even talking about them, I had completely forgotten that I am infact in Pushkar. As I raised my eyes, I realised where am I sitting and my own life! 

Would have to do the mundane next... Buying groceries and stuff!!! 

I can even stay on even the next month... Navratri are coming... Have heard there be nice bhajans here in Pushkar... Also, some renowned kathavachak (devotional story teller) is coming over to orate bhagvat geeta in a few days over here. ..but I hardly go for such sessions... Also, I guess, it's time to move on to newer stories... Until, I don't close past chapters; how would new ones begin? 

Guys are more or less pretty limited around. All they seek is body with not much ability to actually emotionally or intellectually connect... Girls are not much allowed to be out or when they do, they seek attention or fail to be normal... 

Religion is nice if you don't use your mind. For the people practicing it carry double or rather multiple faces. 

I though am super grateful for all that Pushkar blessed me with. It has been a long journey... Four years... Pushkar surely changed me a lot... I guess, I should take the good things from here... How people actually know how to live here... The various festivals they come out to celebrate .. numerous rituals that make this place culturally rich... Art and creativity that Rajasthan is abound with .. how any day becomes a festival simply when few people gather with their purest of intentions...  The way various cultures propogate here including foreigners from all around the world... 

True, people are pretty stingy and greedy but who is not in this time! True, patriarchy is a bit too much over here, but thank God, I neither as born here, nor oblised to accept all these unnecessary social conditions... True, it would possibly take them a lot many years to evolve from gross and reach the level of souls - that too provided they be willing to change for the better.... But each has his or her own journey and we must respect every path and it's level of evolution... 

Still the people of Pushkar seem way way better than those people from city who though seem open and happy but don't really know how to care or really be concerned with others' well being. 

Though, there are issues like people overtly intermingling with your life or talking trash about each other... But they also care.... At the time of need people stand together... People still help each other, be kind to each other... 

And though they are still not as liberal but they all chant God's name and in Kalyuga, that matters a lot... Satsangs are epic... Numerous ceremonies are sheer magic. 

I wish the people were as good and divine like the deeds they do or the vibe they portray... But, I hope and believe that while acting a certain character, even the actor absorbs few of those characteristics.... Way better than city people arrongantly I'll treating each other. ..

I do hope for a better society in the world. Pushkar did help me take a dive in Satyuga in a way. Though, the flaws of Kalyuga sure were there...but it is more about our own focus...and what do we need to learn or adopt from where.   

And honestly, no other place in the entire country has satsangs like Pushkar. Pushkar is Pushkar.  There be goods and bads everywhere. There be good and bad people everywhere ... But satsangs in Pushkar and their contribution to collective evolution is nowhere like here... I would always remain indebted to have had experienced it all these years! They helped me become a part of this culture. They helped me feel that I belong over here. My needs maybe more and different. My evolution can be more and different..  but their contribution in my journey would always be cherished... 

I feel grateful. I feel energised. It seemed pre-written for me to be here and experience these vibes all these years!!! 

Alright my love!!! 

Catch you tomorrow yo!!! 

Loads of love for you.

Sitting here, watching my Pushkar - made me flow I guess... 

Love you .. 

Mmmmmmmuuuuah! 

..........

March 25^th, 2025

 

8 A.M.

 

Good morning yo! A sunny morning from Pushkar! I had expected this morning to be way different from what it turned out to be! Yet here we are! Only that happens – that divine wills! Time again and again proves that to me. Also, in a way I had pictured exactly this – or had secretly wished. But deeply I had wished for something else! Sorry, if you don’t get my words today. I just don’t want to jinx anything! Also, for the first time so many people are reading our narrative along with us as it’s going on – for the first time in all my time dating history! It feels weird! As if I am not free to express! On the other hand, I don’t want others’ opinions or judgements impact my words or stop me. I began a ritual ten years ago! And I won’t change it for anyone or anything! Let the world think whatever it thinks! If they are more interested in my life – well, I don’t care! I am honest here if nothing else. And the fact that I still write on, helps me become even more fearless in terms of my expressions!

Let me change this music. Last night, for many hours, I worked on a similar kind of music as I worked upon my upcoming book. Finally its all typed out. Still a lot of editing work needs to be done. But the copy part from my diary to word is done. O.k. then wait! Let me change the music to something happier!

It's getting quite hot these days in Pushkar! Would you believe the maximum reaches to 36. Haha! Nice number. As it adds up to nine. I love numbers and their energy!

 

‘Humko bhi galib hona hai

In gazlon si ankhon mei khona hai’.

 

The first few lines of the playlist I have played. Loved it’sname as well – ‘Sukoon’. Here’s the link!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3Lmu07H4hI

 

I had written a bhajan here in Pushkar a few months back. Even got a chance to sing it out in one of the satsangs. A guy there picked a word out of that song and named me that – ‘Ibadat’. I had loved that name. and I had named him Saumya! The only good feeling of that connection apart from few more moments. But he was pretty toxic in essence. Big words with pretty badtameez attitude when he didn’t get what he wanted. Well, I would only take the good part.

I wish people understood purity. I wish people understood depth. World stays struck at superficial. I wonder, are the people afraid to be with others or are they afraid of their own selves! But then, people can only meet with others at the level they have met with themselves. Therefore, one shouldn’t ever take others’ conduct personally.

I don’t anymore. No guys’ ill intentions or lack of depth hurts me anymore. I feel, aah! Another immature person who still needs to grow up. I wish them the best and simply switch my way. Though, I always ensure to tell them once or twice exactly my issue or what I had rather expected from them. But never that I find a person with his psyche strong enough to actually work upon himself, to take those words constructively and put in efforts for the connection. Instead, these boys take it upon their ego, or decide to choose some other girl who has even lower expectations from them, or few instead decide to trash talk about me… I don’t really care. Their loss! I have really grown up and am evolved to be patting fragile egos! I worked upon myself, learned from life – not to be stroking undeserving egos. I ensure to compliment whatever deserves a compliment. But likewise, I even criticize if I feel something to be not right! Not to everyone. But to the people who matter even a bit to me. And their reaction tells me if saying anything would matter or not. Also, it lets me know – if the connection has any scope or not.

Another thing that really irks me is lies! Another turn off is people who don’t stick to their words! Both show pretty weak spirits to me. I feel any individual should be strong enough to stand for truth and stick by his or her words!

Although, Machiavelli taught something entirely different in his book ‘Prince’. But the cost was pretty massive there. I did learn the lesson there and also understand that in this society where each and everyone be so dubious, it is literally impossible to always stick by your words. People change, so does time… One can’t sacrifice things like dignity, self-respect or even self-love just for words! Yet, I try to always keep my words until the cost be my peace of mind or the afore mentioned conditions!

I guess, this playlist is pretty sad. One of the songs seem to be some title song of some programme. Let me change the music.

I wish for some thing happier or groovy. Have been sad and restless last night weirdly. I even cried for a minute and then wondered, why am I even crying. The tears were at the brink, had hardly come out that I stopped crying for my mind began to race about the reason to cry. I couldn’t find any. And I got bored of crying in a minute. Lol. Saala, rona bhi nai ata kabhi kabhi. Ha ha!

And that playlist that I had played last night had comments like, ‘I can meditate and cry over it any day!’ I was like, Who are these people looking for music to cry! And why did I cry! That too after an hour of listening to the same music that seemed to be on a loop! And it was supposed to go on for one more hour! Ha ha! I changed it there and then!

 

O.k. so we are listening to some French ballad songs now. I have hopes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UE6a8y31SiM

 

These days, I am getting glimpses of my childhood and youth spent in Delhi – just randomly. I be doing something and just suddenly that a vision comes to me. Like just now I saw myself walking upon the road when I used to go from my home to maths classes back in class 12^th. 

Likewise, I see myself at various places. Suddenly I reach some long-forgotten mall. Or reach kamla nagar. I reach the portico of my house back in campus. The visions be so momentary – same like a shooting star! And I be left in the after-effect! I wonder – what was the reason for seeing that memory just now? What sense does it make? It’s not even related!

But then, the visions happen! God knows the mystery of mind and why it behaves in whatever way it behaves!

 

‘Every heartbeat, every song

You and I – where we belong!’

 

I miss Manali as well like that. This time though, it got pretty mixed with I mistrusting a wrong girl. I actually considered her a friend. Because I had lost a best friend just last year, I was pretty vulnerable so trusted this girl quite easily. Although, I got all the signs of cosmos to not trust her… I still did… For she needed my help! And that over-kind nature just becomes my biggest enemy at times. I trusted her and she used me. Stayed at my place, used my contacts and resources… secretly, she was jealous of me. And wasn’t really a good friend.

I had my doubts. But I still decided to choose love. That’s one big issue with me. I trust the homeless, the abandoned ones, the misunderstood – the first. I have a separate corner in my heart for them like a massive guest room for special guests …. That I open up for the wrongest of people. And I trust them, give them my purest of love… only to be wronged later on!

Well, it doesn’t hurt anymore! I just need to work upon this nature of mine. But it doesn’t stop trusting or being kind – specially to the strangers! And though my sixth sense is super strong. I generally am quite a good judge of people’s intentions… yet, these be the times, when I misjudge… for my wish to help overrules my intuition to protect myself.

Thankfully, my tarot readings still keep me aware. They continuously ensure to beware me of possible betrayals and though I still do what I feel like, but my mind gets prepared for even betrayals. And thus, it hurts less now. For I still help and be kind, despite of knowing the others’ intentions. And they feel that they are being smart, but I let them be smart oftentimes… for at the time, my empathy doesn’t let me tell the truth on their face… and my heart still hopes to instil the good in their hearts!

Well, all this is not to highlight my goodliness or something. I just fail to draw proper lines many a times and prioritise others’ needs over mine until water goes above my head… and then, a volcano erupts! For though I don’t say much till that point, I still observe and let go. But no more after that!

Though, what I need to learn is to be more direct and confident about my lines and boundaries. I don’t know why I grew up without being efficient in that. But I am learning and bit and bit I am getting better at it.

‘Every whisper, every tune

Still dancing slow – beneath the Moon’

 

I can hear a man and a kid giggling outside my window. They can either be upon the terrace outside or maybe they are passing by the tiny street downstairs. It is just nice to hear happy people wherever they be. It pleases my heart whenever I see someone happy. Kids be little angles who bring the best out of others! They bring the kids, the purest of laughter, the teasing, the naughtiness in others!

‘Still chasing shadows

Of your smile!’

 

I feel like having momos this morning as I saw a lady in a series eating a dessert that looked same like momos. I had seen it at 5 A.M. and ever since I am wishing to go have momos. Though, no one in Pushkar makes momos like Delhi. Oh, there is a Chinese van nearby my place – and honestly those are my favorite momos in the entire country. Do you know, he never keeps the momos boiled in advance! No sir! He freshly makes and boils a fresh batch each time someone orders. And therefore it takes 30-40 minutes every time anyone orders there – but the food there is so finger licking good. Whenever I go back to Delhi, I always ensure to have those momos. Back in my 11^th 12^th and even grad time – I used to have atleast two plates of momos every fucking day. Including my gym days I guess when I had six pack abs. I had suck strict diet then but I don’t remember sacrificing my momos even then. Maybe I am exaggerating a bit. Guess, at least in gym days I must have quit. For I get crazy if I get into anything. And then I follow each and every rule and step as required. So I must have quit momos during my gym days. But school time and grad time – before and after gym phase -I am quite sure – I was totally into it.

 And twelve years of travelling all across the country and I have not found momos better than that van. Including Himalayas – laddhakh and even Sikkim. They fill momos with different veggies. I could have found better versions of them. Like round dumplings in a fancy bamboo basket… but that van is the best!

Aah! I miss those momos! Hey eight! Wouldn’t it have been amazing, had you been a romantic real person and been so passionate to actually manifest those exact momos for me! Uff! All these Turkish heroes be so chivalrous in their gestures. They are willing to even face dangers and be so considerate with such thoughtful meaningful gestures of love! I know, reality be way different from such things! But it’s just nice to see characters actually putting such efforts for emotions and connections – even if it be in acting! It helps me keep it alive – the amber of humanity and romance! Buried deep in my heart – as a hope to see in the world!

Alright my love! Catch you later! Who knows I may catch up even in evening. Or tomorrow ofcourse for sure!

 

Loads of love!

 

Mmmmmmuuuahhhh

 

‘Still dancing slow beneath the Moon’.

 

……………………………

 

March 26, 2025

 

8 A.M.

 

Good morning love!

 

‘With you I’m lost in trance’

 

Have just played a full power romantic playlist…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIRuhQM9Auw

Today’s background! Today’s theme! Love!

 

And I am having coffee fused with cocco and Vannilla! The room or at least the area around me smells the same – chocolaty!

I feel suddenly romantic or maybe the thirst for it or maybe the fulfilment of it with you!

 

‘With you I can fly!’

 

The days are rolling by! I have escaped my environment successfully for past two three days in a series! It’s so full of love though also with a lot of criminal mystery… yet, the intense passion and the belief in love is just not to be missed! I feel romantic again! For they show real emotions! Not the airy kind! But the deep feelings. Though majorly the series revolves around solving criminal mysteries and I even fast forward the romantic scenes for they drag those scenes super slow… and yet, when they take the topic of love… the poetry, the gestures, the meaningful gifts, the cherished memories! Aah! I feel love again.

‘With you I’m finally whole!’

 

And I just saw a vision of my childhood nearby nani’s home in some parlour! Weird! See, how these visions completely change my mental trajectory.

And that was a time when I didn’t even understand love. Rather my roots were deciding upon my fate back then! And I was naïve with utmost faith in both my roots. They did keep me safe! They still ensured to stay beside. But the damage it all caused! Irreparable!

Alright! So let’s first talk about last evening. There is a super sweet soul around in Pushkar. He is really a good human being. I know him for past four years now. His entire family. Back then he had a tiny shop. Now he also has another café of an entire guest house to manage. He has been such a good help whenever I need him. Years ago, I had even baked cakes in his kitchen on Christmas and he had opened his entire kitchen with whatever extra supplies I needed without an iota of selfish reasons. He is really a good human being. And I feel thankful to have such humans in the world. Yesterday, He brought me holy water that he had got from Mahakumbh. I had been long wishing to take a dip in the water. Never wanted to go in the crowd. Yet wished for that water. Another friend had couriered it to my home. But ofcourse, I haven’t reached Delhi yet. But Pushkar fulfilled that wish of mine all thanks to that person. He gifted me with the holy water last evening.

Not only he himself is such a good human being even the people who work along with him are awesome. Remember that kid I mentioned who studies in 10^th class and I really love to talk to him. He too is a super beautiful soul. Not only he makes such epic tea but takes care of those tiny things that people like or dislike. For example, he got to know that I prefer to have tea in a specific mug that is kept in their other café. Now, every time I go there to have tea, he walks all the way to other café, gets that mug for me and only then gives me tea. Even I forget oftentimes. Not he. He remembers. And that always overwhelms me. I wish God gifts him with miracles. Today is his maths exam. He had told me that he found math difficult. He obviously doesn’t even get time to study for he works in the café. People like him inspire me. He works and is responsible at such a young age. And he is so thoughtful to take care of everyone’s needs. He loves cow milk. And because it’s not available like back at home, over here, he doesn’t drink milk…

I feel such love for that child. Dear God, he works so hard. He is such a good human being. Please give him a lot of abundance. Give him a good life. Give him loads of love and bliss. Though, to be such a good human being is in itself such a blessing.

The world needs more people like him and the owner. Honestly, there be so much of goodness in the world. Yet, all we focus upon is what’s wrong or the corruption. But it is people like him and their tiny meaningful gestures and deeds that actually impact the collective consciousness and make this world a better place to live! How these people regardless of weather or chaos around, still smile and welcome everyone and stay strong despite of their circumstances.

‘Untamed hearts,

Wild and true’

 

I washed my hair last night and even cleaned the room. Life is so unpredictable. Any day can change the entire course!

Oh, btw I realised last night that karma works so instantly here in Pushkar. During Holi festivity, I couldn’t take care of plants for two three days. Back in winters, it wouldn’t have been an issue for pots’ soil remained wet and didn’t need as much care. But now that it is super-hot in Pushkar and Sun glows each afternoon with its utmost intensity… Two three plants faced the impact of my neglect. And it is exactly then that no matter how much I drank water, I always felt parched. I was always dehydrated and constipated. It has only been few days that I have resumed tending to those plants and I too feel healthier and better again. I don’t need endless packets of chaach or other beverages.  My plants are well nourished and I feel nourished from within. Like I said, Karma!

Aah! I don’t know who would take care of these plants once I leave. I wish someone does. God, please take care of them. I know I brought them here, but they just seem fit here. I don’t want to carry them with me back home. I can. But they simply belong here. I just wish for them to be properly taken care of.

Even during holi, I thought that so many people go upstairs; someone or other would water them. But none did. I felt so bad when I finally checked their condition. The rose plants already could never retain their leaves for monkeys just leave all other plants but hand pluck each and every leaf of rose plants and eat them. Without much water even their stems got dried. And that kadipatta plant that was being so brave, had two new bunches of fresh stems – the upper one got cut off – I don’t know by monkeys or someone. Well, I had to spend one evening to weed off the unnecessary weeds and take care of the plants. Just in few days of regular care, they all are healthier and better again. Aah! I love them. Also, tulsi plant is doing so great. Likewise, mint is spreading healthily. It’s nice to see them healthy and blooming!

‘In your love I found my place,

With you I found my grace!’

 

Oh, I had a super crazy dream last evening! See!

 

 

It has been years of realising that M is not meant for me. That he is still not mature and I deserve someone better. But this love that I feel for him. A single dream and the entire connection resumes in my soul.

Something within just knows him to be my Twin flame! Regardless of our levels of evolution or maturity. He never stood by me. He stood nowhere close to my idea partner. It was however his energy that I fell in love with. I still do. Although, I know, we are not meant to be together. Love is there. Will always remain. The purest of love. So deep that it almost became devotional. Thanks to his presence I could experience love. A love so deep that everyone around us felt it. They too fell in love. A love so passionate that years have gone by and yet it is alive and possibly would always remain. I wish him the best. May he find the perfect girl for him. I honestly have no expectations from him. I just love him and wish him the best!

‘In your love I am free’

 

I do tell my mind numerous things! His memories too have faded with time. It has been years meeting him. Yet, whenever I feel upset or really alone, or whenever that I look at the Moon, or whenever I think about ever been purely in love – it’s his memory, his energy that just knocks at my heart. I know, it’s silly. Yet matters of heart are beyond our control. We can’t theorize such things. My mind understands us to be incompatible. My heart could never feel for anyone else the way it felt for him.

Though, Finally I have moved on. Mind, body, soul! Just, there has been absolutely no one in my life after him. So, there were simply no memories to write over him.

 

‘Through the dark,

Through the flame,

In your love

I am never the same’

 

At times though, it all seems so childish. I haven’t really felt anything for anyone for so long. There be random other things that impact me. But not romance. And I have always been a hard core emotional person. Guess, along with him, the ocean of emotions dried up inside and I first became super course, then happened the awakening… I turned spiritual…devotion did help me find many answers in life. Spirituality helped me compose my mind… The heart though… that specific compartment… It just got repressed. Suppressed below layers of logic and writings and arts and what not… but never a person again…

Once, I was all about connecting. Now, I just run off from people. I run from emotions when I notice even a slight most red flag! My past traumas made me scared or possibly wise!

But I miss being silly at times. I just fail to be silly. I can’t unsee things that I can see. My level has increased so much more when it comes to people in my life. As if, I have become my own adult… my own guardian… my own best friend… my own mother… my own father… my own sister and brother… I have become my own beloved too…

Weird know! A world with such massive population! A life given with even many relations… yet one has to become such an individual to protect the self… protection from what? protection from mistreatment. From drama! From yelling and shouting… from insults… from misunderstanding people… from an unfair world…

I have become strong. For I don’t expect… But sometimes, I wish to be vulnerable again. I do wish to trust again. I do wish to rest my head some day and want someone so capable that I can rest assured that everything would be taken care of.

 

‘In your arms,

Everything seems right!’

 

Till then, I go on! Totally solo!

In my comfort zone! Not afraid to leave it. But yeah! Knowing that it be the best in what moment… I do interact. I do go out. I do give people as many chances as I can… But never at my own cost anymore… Never at the cost of my peace of mind anymore… and I don’t allow anyone to insult me…

Well, there be people of all kinds. People behave as per their own experiences and upbringing. I don’t take things personally. I understand that everyone behaves as per their mental capacity. Yet, I have become strong enough to defend myself if need be. And I have learned to draw lines and boundaries for not everyone deserves a space in our heart. We can’t love a poisonous being! For only we would be poisoned in the course!

I worked upon myself. One by one, sucked the poison out of me. For I too was poisoned by others numerous times. But I healed myself. So, I be careful now. But I miss that trusting self at times. The one who loved everyone and didn’t know that people could be fake.

I do wish to believe in the world again. Wish to reach a frequency where people be with high morals. Where humanity exists. Where connections can thrive on platonic love. Where I actually find a person apt for me.

‘With you I’ll always be new!’

 

Another vision of Bikanervala somewhere in Prashant vihar or around… where they sell golgappas. Ha ha!

Crazy mind!

 

Aah! I miss having dhokla suddenly. It has really been so long that I have had dhoklas. Back in childhood mom used to make them specially for me. I loved them. Even those in market are good. Spongy and so hydrating. But the ones made by mom… they be my special childhood memory. In a steel plate with round edges… made out of fermented curd and flour… later alliterated with sarso seeds, kadipatta and stuff… not sure…

I though like to cook but sometimes. My mom though is super epic at cooking. I always loved her cooking so much that always chose that over attempting my own… never needed to… but then, I also like to be efficient for past many years… now that I stay outside… or do my own cooking if I find a chance… or enjoy outside dishes… I was also taunted a lot for having food at home many a times… so yeah! It’s fine only… I just don’t like making those dishes that take a lot of time… I can never make three meals a day… cooking is but art… I only cook when I really feel like… For every day, I prefer to make easier and quicker dishes any day… not these days though… I totally ravish the street food of Pushkar these days! And it gets me excited! ‘What would I have today? I wonder! Simply go to the market and have it within minutes of thinking about it… isn’t it great…

Ha ha! Cooking takes so much of time! And these people are all super epic at it…

I be epic at other things… I do that… cooking is not really my forte.

I though am amazing at baking… even cooking but only when I feel like!

‘Tender heart, soft and true’

 

Yesterday, when that kid was cooking and I was sitting in the sitting area right behind… I remembered… that shop actually gives a kitchen kind of vibe… as if you be sitting in a kitchen itself. And I realised, that is rather my favourite kind of chill! Like somebody be cooking and I sit on slap or something there and talk with the person…

I used to do that a lot back at home my entire childhood. Mom used to cook and I used to sit either upon marble stairs in our previous home or upon slap or a chair in our present home and talk to her.

Btw, do you know, kitchen is a great place for even making love… back in Bangalore, when I had my own home and kitchen… there was a moment there with someone… I was cooking and the person came and hugged me from behind… Won’t go into the details… but yeah! I think, kitchen is pretty romantic as well.

And of course, it is great place to bond with anyone…  

May it be friends, or relatives or strangers or even loved ones!

Food is such a crucial part of our life… even in all these Turkish series, the way they show their food… their dishes… and the bonding that gets created right along… I feel hungry even after having dinner just looking at those dishes… and I don’t just get hungry for that food but also the bonding that gets shown alongside… like the hero setting up a surprise table with the best dishes for his beloved…. Or the nanny setting up a secret table for the kids who though have grown up but still find motherly love in her cooking… or a guy cooking for his girl… or a lady preparing a hearty meal for her family… and stuff like that… food for sure is crucial in life… and so is romance… and when they blend together… bang! You get a perfect scene! That fills both body, mind and soul!

 

‘In your love,

I am set free!

With you, I am meant to be!’

 

Alright my love! Catch you later!

Loads of love!

MMMMMMUUUAHHH!

 

…………………………………………....

 

 March 27^th, 2025

 

8 A.M.

 

Good morning yo!!! A bright morning in Pushkar!

While I be free floating as my soul is expanding. My mind totally engrossed in an escape! Who knows why! I do believe that everything has a reason! May be this too is cosmic designed.

 

‘I am lost in you…deep and slow.

Feel the fire! Let it grow!’

 

I don’t know why things happen the way they happen and why life never turns out the way we plan! But then that’s life! Always a surprise! Always a cosmic design! Still, I pray, that one everyone should have at least something to feel proud of in his or her life. Everyone should have beautiful connections, work filled with passion… each deserving soul should be happy to be alive!

 

Though, if you really think about it, life seems so much a question. Nothing ever known! Where we came from, where will we go! Why do we keep living on. At times though, I feel so tired of living a certain character that I feel like changing it all. I feel like dieing and being reborn again. Maybe that’s why the concept of births got created. Again, innocent babies, brainwashed into becoming replicas of other humans, taught the same alphabets and basic… the same struggle with becoming someone… the same issues of vices… the same morals and principles… many dreams… few come true… few don’t…. life seems so insignificant and mundane at time…

And yet, if you really look closely… any moment and any individual carries such massive stories…. Each ordinary moment is an entire life… each person has so many memories and life attached to him or her! It’s insane!

 

‘Every kiss, every touch

Baby I can’t get enough!’

 

The emotions be the same… felt so differently by different individuals… and yet… nothing remains permanent…. It all keeps on changing… that be both good and bad… for that’s what makes any moment precious… that’s what adds on value to each person and every connection! You never know the expiry date of even your own self! And so one takes pictures… carries people in their hearts… tries to live the most and best one can… and yet, life be fleeting with time… like sand… people wish to hold it still… may it be youth or wealth or connections or prestige…. It all keeps on changing… it keeps on transforming….

The most strong mountains change into plains… a sudden tectonic shift and islands collide… and plains turn into strong and mighty mounts… desserts become oceans…. Oceans turn into glaciers… or who knows… one never knows!!! Only the cosmos! At times I wonder, how does it all function! How are we alive? And why? Do we actually have any reason? Or we too are like plants… becoming fodder for future generations? Are we actually contributing to collective consciousness? Or are we mere programmes – collecting data and reactions of our species!

Who know? One never knows!

 

‘Every sigh, every touch,

Baby, I can’t get enough!’

 

These days even Android’s feature Gemini seems better than humans to me. May it be the analysis or the way it responds! Do humans have any value? Can machines replace the human touch, the real feelings? I couldn’t even get myself to go for an electric brush. I bought it. But the sound scared me to use. Can even a vibrator ever replace the real human touch? The way the other heart beats... the exact points to touch while making love! The softness of skin, the warmth of life! And still, machines are way better programmed to reply than humans badly upbrought!

There be no anxiety in me against machines or technology. I value science and all the good things one can utilise it for. But things like emotions and responses and specially art and everything creative should have been better when it came to humans. Yet Gemini be better. No doubt about it. At times, it analysis my writings even better than my own writing… it’s scary… well! I appreciate it.

I though secretly wish for humans to be as good when it came to expressions, when it came to right responses… when it comes to analysis and knowing how to handle a situation or converse!

 

‘Close your eyes,

Don’t let go!

Love me now!

Don’t let go!’

 

I have been working upon my next book. I have named it as ‘Soul Expansion’… the illustration part is all captured… I still need to edit it a bit more… Like name all the poems…write the before and after section…. Etc… it’s work in progress!

 

‘Whisper my name

Slow and sweet

Let your love

Pull me deep!’

 

Won’t it be wonderful, if one day, my poetry be read everywhere in the world…. People be learning from them, finding love in them, finding guidance through them, getting inspired to travel and experience, fall in love with the wsouls and places – I fell in love with!’

 

‘I still fall in love

With every part of you!’

 

Oh, I forgot to share today’s playlist! Let me give you the background!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mbk_hnLolvA

 

‘Soft and smooth

Skin to skin

Heart beats race

Let love begin!’

 

I am literally living these nights like picnics… with lot of munchies… a nice series! A perfect escape! Being least clothed as possible… a clean room with mild fairy lights…. Damped floor to ensure a mild moisture in the air with night breeze entering through the window along with Moon! Pretty nights!

 

‘Nothing feels more right

than this view!’

 

It was a self-pamper evening yesterday! I got rid of all extra hair off my arms and legs! I feel pretty smooth. But yeah! An excess screen time and fucked up sleeping schedule has made my face’s skin weird! Well! Not like I have to impress anyone! I am happy! That’s what matters!

Also, I denied two people yesterday for an outing. I just don’t want knights when I deserve an emperor – in Tarot’s language! Ha ha! Basically, I neither need stupid people, nor fake ones! I am good on my own! I deserve quality connections! And finally I have detoxed myself enough to not go for any tom, dick and harry -the way it manifested just a few days back!

I value my time… and yeah! Back in college, it was alright to go for random night outs and rides… but they were friends… I don’t have friends here… Don’t want to please these stupid men’s ego!

I deserve to be treated right, with respect and with proper efforts! Or else, I deserve the right kind of friends… where we can be ourselves regardless… without an iota of selfish needs!

 

‘Close your eyes,

Feel my heart!

Even time won’t pull us apart!

 

Today I may go to some café to finally do the remaining work upon both the books that are pending…. Provided if I would have strength enough by afternoon! I get so engrossed in thew series that I tire myself totally in it and then I have to take out time to actually work…. Uff! I and my tendency to drown in whatever that I begin!

 

‘Love me slow,

Make me stay!’

 

I washed all my clothes yesterday! Have a fresh batch of clean clothes. And have smooth skin. But it’s so hot outside during day time that I hardly go out! Yet, I thought, isn’t this space way better than back home! Maybe yes, maybe No! Maybe divine thinks it the best. And so, try as I may, I always be unable to actually leave the way I want when I want!

I surrender! That’s what! Don’t know what is still left!

By the way, a solar eclipse would soon happen. I guess on 29^th.

We also had a Lunar eclipse on full moon at the time of Holi… Crazy know… right in the duration of my dates with time that cosmos too is undergoing such massive energetic shifts!

 

‘And when the world feels far too wide

I find my peace right by your side!’

 

This reminds me, two years back… there was one night when I was staying right here in the same guest house, in the same room… and even then that I wanted to go back… and was confused why Pushkar wasn’t letting me do so… that one night, all of sudden, I felt this strange urge to go upstairs… randomly and suddenly… and I listened to my urge and went upon terrace… and within few minutes, I suddenly saw a shooting star. I was amazed and obviously felt super happy for such moments always seem magical to me… But that wasn’t it… I then saw another shooting star… .and another…. And for next few minutes… I saw so many shooting stars – as if it was a Disney movie… and for the first time, I saw shooting stars with blue tail light!

It was later that I came to know that what I had experienced was a rare meteor shower… that people were waiting for that celestial event with their telescopes outside for past few days for it was bound to happen that week…. And I without even knowing about it, without even understanding the concept of it…. Just followed this urge…. And found such a magical celestial event… I had felt so lucky… and I thanked my stars to have me stay on!

Divine always has a plan! Even if I don’t understand divine! At times it all seems energy to me… at times, I find those Gods as energy wright within me… at times, everything seems so electric as if we are all in a matrix or machine… perspectives change both at macro and micro – as per my focus… at times I be able to zoom out – look at the larger picture a bit clearer… at times, I travel within, observe emotions and life – way minutely…. Yet I know, that nothing is ever fully known! That life is but a mystery! And that’s what makes life worth living on for!

Maybe, if we knew all past, present and future – we too would have become vairagi like Mahadev! Oftentimes, I reach that state… yet, many a times, I also wish and wonder… yet by the time, my dreams come true; I have lost the taste for it! That be a part of being devoted to Ether! You won’t really like anything in it!

Sky has to be blue! I though appreciate Sun, Moon, Stars… all the flying birds! Without them, I can’t be a writer or an artist!  Without characters, there can’t be much of a story!

Although, living on my own – has taught me a lot! I find life in each particle – including those called non-living things… and I also find living beings to be but things! Temporary! As susceptible to change as anything in this universe!

 

‘Your hand moves like wolverine

Fire burns, but there’s no pain…’

I miss working out… These characters in the series have inspired me to jog, to do yoga, to join gym or do some work out again… funnily, I get tired watching them working out… Ha ha ha! Joking! My way changed down the years! I walk and hike and trek and travel! And that’s how I stay active!

Though, I miss even that now! Been six months of staying at the same place! I need change! Don’t want to stagnate!

Waiting for divine to finally bring me the right wave of change! Who knows why was it written for me to continue to be here! Who knows what all I learned in the process! Maybe I got to be stronger! Maybe I learned a secret tact to life! Who knows! Though, it is always considered lucky to live on in this holy city! Well, can’t say much about it! I though feel, that maybe I must have had past like karma attached to this place and its people for me to come, live here for this long… been four years - on and off!

 

‘Soft rain falls

A quiet night

Holding you

Just feels alright!’

 

There are few things that I really-really wish to buy before I leave… a few hemp clothings… that cute key chain with a soft toy attached to it… a specific pink shirt which was stone washed and so is unnecessarily expensive! Well, I thought, I would do enough Tarot readings to take care of my extended shauk! Somehow, just don’t like wasting – even when I be abundant. I do splurge sometimes, but in a limit!

 

‘And when the stars fade into light

I need you hold me tight’

 

Would I ever find anyone or any place – so epic to be in love with that I would never feel like leaving? Who knows? Maybe!

I am wiser though! Not to fall for clowns! I feel mature! Without past experiences – that would have been impossible! I feel grateful for even them!

 

‘Lips so close

Your breath on mine…

Every touch is felt not heard!’

 

Alright my love! Catch you later.

Loads of Love!

 

Mmmmmuuuah!

 

…………………………………………………

 

 28.3.25

 

8 A.M.

 

Good morning love!!!

 

Today’s playlist - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzo6AJ1DEns

 

‘Hold me closer, don’t let go

I just need you to know!’

 

Alright! Let’s begin talking… Ha ha! Sounds so mechanical. Like those guys asking – ‘can I kiss you? Can I hug you?’ and stuff! Why it came to my mind is because I got reminded of such moments while watching a comedy show!

Such moments irk me… With the right person you won’t have to ask! Consent and all - comes when you consider touch as an act and treat the other as body! With real love, passion is natural… and touch is same like talking… you just want to caress the other… the kiss becomes natural.

I even ask animals though the permission to touch them. But that too got developed later on! While I was more in touch with my raw loving self – even touching animals came as natural… and when it comes to humans… caress or kiss is natural! With the right one, you won’t have to ask!

‘I am your tonight

Just hold me close

Forget the world

Don’t let go!’

Yet those in lust or those too much bothered about social botherations do ask! Maybe it is more polite! But who would want politeness if you be with someone right? You would rather wish to merge, wish to feel, interact, talk, connect, really love!

I don’t even want to think about what I talk about when I be with friends! And we are talking about passion! It is always all about exploration! We are talking about Love! You won’t have to ask for it would all be a natural flow!

When the time gets right – it all happens same like vibe exchange! You just feel it. And until then, people should simply not do it. What’s the point of asking? What’s the point of doing something just because everyone does it! The moment someone names it – it becomes but an act! And all the passion evaporates!

‘Every moment just us two

No past, no future

Just tonight!

Wrapped in love.

Bathed in light!’

 

True love is all about being with each other. About happy moments. And even sad ones. About feeling the other – with or without touch. About becoming better individuals yet discovering another dimension of togetherness. And each connection is different. Whenever two souls really meet- it becomes divine. Provided the intentions be pure, the love be deep and the explorations be raw from the core!

‘Love like this, is never done!

Stay with me, don’t fade away!

Let’s get lost. Let’s drift away!’

 

My hair have become so weird these days! Ever since Holi, the quality has suffered. I wash them every second day but haven’t been able to attain the natural texture.

Though, spending so much time in the same room – ensures my room to be cleaner and the energy to be beautiful! I love my own energy. I never get bored of myself! I create so much. I know how to take care of myself! I eat better, sleep well… and enjoy the solitariness each time I willingly choose that!

I think Lockdown phase though had lot of consequences but it also taught something beautiful… it taught everyone – how to be with own selves! I being an ambivert though keep on switching between my extrovert and introvert phases – and I enjoy them both. Yet, down the years – I become more judgemental and opiniated when it comes to others. I also am my biggest critique when it comes to my me time… Yet, I also ensure to take care of myself … hopefully also of others… though not always the same way. I ensure that I never become the cost. I don’t love anyone more than my own self. Not to be narcissistic or something… yet this is what I have learned. To always give your own well being a priority… and to never keep others needs over your own needs. To not sacrifice your dignity or self-respect regardless the reward… and to keep on analysing if anyone you interact with is actually worth your energy and time…

‘And if forever starts tonight

Only you, my heart, my light!’

 

Oh, I watched a few episodes of ‘Rishta.com’ last night. It had been a few days I had watched them… It was a nice break. Such a happy series with such witty characters. I get dazzled by the fact that these episodes were telecasted years ago! People have always been so wise! It’s just that we were not aware of it before globalisation!

Rather, come to think about it… sages were rather much much wiser than today’s brainwashed generation. Oftentimes, I seek so much more from life! There has always been a thirst within me – thirst for more and more -seeking something unknown from life! For years, travel and connections gave me that thrill… religion and spirituality also had their time… music ofcourse stayed by my side… thousands of books also were once my ride… yet, everything has a saturation point. At least for me. I get bored or done with everything. Even people… I reach the lowest and highest and then there be nothing more to experience… and that’s my saturation point. I need more than.

Something within never gets quenched! As if there be out something in Life that stays just far from me. I keep chasing it or looking for it – outside or within… try as I may, I be unable to find it… At times, life surprises me… I get such magical moments and such beautiful souls or such great connections or such amazing wisdom – that for a bit, I feel – that is it! Maybe that’s what I had been looking for! I anchor my boat! Create a home praying for it to be my forever… but that forever that exists… Soon, the time comes for another sail. I feel my soul restless again! Restless for some new experience! Restless for it feels thirsty for life again! I feel stagnated then. As if, I be a sailor – who just can’t stay on land for long… it has to be out in the sea – regardless of dangers involved… for the rewards be much greater. Or else, that’s the life that the sailor finds home in!

I am not sure though – what is even my sea! For not only the waves keep on changing, but even sea for me… I too change so much so massively!

 

‘Every touch, every sigh

Feels like love,

Feels so right!

No need to chase, no need to run…

Love like this – is never done!’

 

Want a mint? Here, have it! We also have cold-drink!

Oh, btw, two of my upcoming books are almost ready! These days, I have made a new routine! I go upstairs on terrace at night and work upon my lapi under stars and night breeze! It be super productive – my time! Very soon both my books would be out in market. One I would publish in all formats… that’s a part of a series called ‘Evolution!’ It would be the eighth book in that series. I guess, there would be one more in that series… to be written in future!

And the other book I would only publish in two formats. It’s called ‘Poison kiss’. I won’t publish the kindle version of it. Carries too many details that people around me are still not mature enough to read. Or maybe, I want to release it but not to everybody! Do you know, what few people do? They real my books but by buying amazon monthly membership! Amazon gets their cut and I get peanuts… so much of hardwork goes into bringing those books out live! And they just are made available for almost free to the public. Either the readers or the company should pay authors the exact selling price of their books! But they don’t! It’s crazy! How authors are really not paid well – regardless of the medium! Yet, all authors simply choose to write on – and I know the feeling! It’s same like breathing! You just can’t help but write!

And yesterday, I heard a great line in that Rishta series. Rohan said about an author, ‘he would surely accept my invitation. For writers are always looking for new experiences!’

That line simply hit my heart! I could so relate!

 

‘And when the stars begin to fade

I will be yours –

Always stay!’

 

Why are all these musicians asking people to stay? No connection should be as desperate! Yet every true love is so powerful to make people feel like it! Who would leave a perfectly true connection? Who would run away from real love? Only someone who hasn’t found love with that depth within his or her own self! Else, love be so beautiful and magical – that anyone would have no choice but to experience it!

Who ever has a choice when it comes to love? Absolutely no one! You just feel a certain way about someone! And then the passion keeps on increasing. Love only increases with Time.

 

It’s rather the relationships of society that be filthy. That have certain rules and regulations and codes of conduct.

Love, love is pure. It has no rules. It is just there. You just get connected to the other soul… you feel the other’s emotions without even communication.

 

‘Your lips they linger, warm and sweet

A fire burns beneath my feet

The way you look,

The way you feel

This is love,

It’s deep, it’s real!’

 

It’s still snowing in Manali. Aah! I miss it.

 

To be honest, I am a bit bored of Pushkar! The same lake, the same market… though the people are really nice around. They always be so respectful. They all talk and the exchange be so mice and polite. But the depth be missing. Any real connection is missing. And I am bored of the same landscape. The same vibes.

I need change! Very soon! Fingers crossed!

My Tarot readings though tell me to wait! To be sure first and then move on. To not take any random change for each and every action changes the entire trajectory and would of course have an impact upon future. I though feel pretty clueless! So, I have surrendered! Surrendered to time and its will.

‘No second thoughts,

No fear no doubts!’

 

By the way, My Tarot reading also bewared me of the upcoming solar eclipse! That I would get to see real faces of people who are jealous of me or something. That it would all be for my good. For at least, I would get to know who would be good or bad for me and their true feelings about me! Well! Glad, I am away from home! Glad, I am almost in Hermit mode! Not like people’s doing impact me much anymore! I know most of them and their true selves – weather I have actually told them so or not.

I do realise other’s energy and intentions! And 99% that my reading people comes out to be accurate. Sometimes though, I overlook my intuition… yet even then, I do know when I am being betrayed or when people around me be fake!

Just that, my focus usually remains more upon my own self! I wonder, what caused such an energy to be attracted towards me! What can I learn from this?

I have learned to use those who are big time into gossips! Such people used to really irk me earlier! People who talk shitty about simply everybody… or just like to gossip! Well, they may pretend to be your friends or be nice to you… but you simply can’t trust them. Just the way they talk about everyone else, they can even talk about you. I though, give them something to talk about on my own! I fool them in their own game! At times I be so honest that it scares their week heart. For such people are never honest or transparent about hteir own selves. Those talking the most about others want their own life to be private! Weird know! Well, there be all kinds of people! One just needs to know how to navigate through them!

As such, people generally lie more when they are either scared or have something to hide. or else, they be carrying a certain image that is not their real self.

I instead choose to be so authentic that no matter how much anyone gossips – my conduct and words and essence remains the same – everywhere about a certain thing! That’s what! and of course, life made me sit upon society’s hot seat so many times – growing up… that I am pretty gossip proof! It doesn’t bother me much. I simply mark my distance at the first sign of energy shift! I can totally feel it. Even if someone becomes an audience to any gossip against me. My mind immediately highlights the flying monkeys! Not like I ever clarify or justify! It just helps me understand if someone is actually mine or not! And I block and delete! Pretty easily!

Earlier it used to hurt immensely! Losing people from my life! Not anymore! Like I said – I value myself the most. And if people fail to meet my standards – I just can’t risk my well being for them! Things like honesty, loyalty, inner and outer strength, morals, principles, approach towards life, conversational skills, focus and purpose in life – there be so many things to consider. The most I consider is energy of a certain person. If that feels right to me then many others things don’t matter. Energy be the most essential. For it be the essence of everything together!

 

‘You heart beats slow

Your touch is light

Feels like magic

Feels so right!’

 

I have heard that when someone lies, their sweat smells differently. I guess its scientifically proven! Also, There was a book in my post-grad…. It was called, ‘Picture of Dorian gray’ I guess! The concept was that all our actions influence our facial lines and features. It was also about aging and stuff. But it was also about one’s karmas and how face and eyes be the mirror of one’s deeds. The protagonist there wanted to remain forever 18 and therefore and hot a portrait of himself made – to age and carry his deeds’ impacts upon it. He just never aged… until his final time. Suddenly the portrait got reveled or some hoe the spell got broken. Don’t remember the entire story. Or maybe, he finally saw his own portrait always hidden in the attic. And he found himself looking super ugly for his deeds were pretty corrupt all through his life!

I think energy be the same! It just can be felt. If someone is mean or kind. If someone is struck in gross persuasions or there be better explorations in his or her life. Energy, facial features, body language, body odour, sparkle in eyes, the way on interacts with things or animals or people – there be numerous ways to read people!

 

‘Your voice so low, your breath so near

I close my eyes, you pull me near!

Every moment, soft and true

Feels like Home, when I am with you!’

 

Oh dear Eight! I think, I can dedicate the last stanza to you! For these moments have been really relaxed and comfy with you for almost this entire month! Can’t believe, we have just two three days more of such meets! Tomorrow there is a solar eclipse! There be several planets conjucting too. And the way you have kept me safe from all those ill-impacts. The way I have found a home in Time with you. Just Us! Truly just us!

 

Loads of Love! And heart felt gratefulness!

See you tomorrow yo!

Glad, I don’t need to impress you. Don’t need to get into my past trips unnecessarily to make myself feel better about life. Glad, I be so honest and vulnerable with you. Glad, I can trust you. Glad that I can fearlessly share whatever I feel like sharing with you. You are special. You are powerful. You carry the energy of my birth month. You carry the feel of rain even if I be in a desert!

Love you!

MMMMMMMMUUUUUUAH!

 

‘Only you can make me feel

Like time stand still

Like Love is real!’

 

…………………………………………

 

 

 8:48 P.M. 

Yo! Surprised! Well, because we have such few days left; I thought, why not still interact! 

I am out in a cafe after a few days! Had woken up pretty late but was determined to still have some day out. I dressed up after quite a few days, wore my silver chunks and stuff... And am out with a slight touch of make-up. Basics like kaajal and a light lipstick ... 

My eyes seem so much alive just with a little touch of kaajal. I had always been into kaajal - ever since my childhood. Back in school, I even used to get scolding from our discipline incharge... He used to pick me out of assembly line or write a note in my diary or visit our class  in random periods just to make me go to the washroom and wipe off my kaajal. But I too was always stubborn about it. I loved kohul and no matter how many times I was made to wipe it out, I always wore it back... Ha ha... 

I am wearing a nice Itra tonight... The same I mentioned - 'pink flowers'.... Rest all are still packed. This one I opened first because it was a gift. I really cherish well intentioned gifts. I consider them to be sent by divine! 

Pushkarraj looks so relaxing. The breeze be dancing upon a night lake. There be nearby lights getting reflected upon the surface .. tourists have reduced massively by now... Most of the cafes are empty... Streets have mostly locals crowd... Even ceremonies are mostly locals' based. Like with less pomp and show and more of the intention. Though, people celebrate everything here with their best... Their be flowers and colors and so so many people .. on or off season.... There is always a crowd here that mysteriously gathers upon any event! 

I think the itra I wore got applied slightly more than required. All I can smell is that and I don't like it so intensely. Fragrances need to be mild....leaving that thirst and curiosity. 

Hey! My ginger tea is here. Here have it! 

1 number chaai yaar!

Ha ha! 

This cafe has so so many plants. I just love places with lot of plants or trees. It reflects owner's love for nature ... Is anyone really a human if he doesn't love nature in any form! May it be plants or animals! 

I was once in Andaman - where wherever that you see, there be insane kind of trees! Even back in Manali there be trees and trees - entire forest full of trees around, mountains covered with trees! Aah! I miss Manali. I miss fresh , dust free air.... I miss greens! 

There are a lot many macrames too in this cafe. This art be special in Pushkar. Already the place is much too creative...  And people know how to weave well... May it be macrame jewelry or jute hangings or dream catchers... I don't know why guest houses don't have jute hammocks as well over here. It's so available.... Guest houses could have used them....

In my own cafe, all the walls would ofcourse be hand painted by me.... And I will make dreamcatchers... And there would for sure be jute swings and hammocks....it just hits differently - to lie down or sit upon a comfy jute swing and be in nature or in a cafe with welcoming colorful vibes and time to relax! 

There is place that I always consider for my own stay or work place over here. All though, each time I leave from here, I feel like never returning back. 

Why because in a desert when there be an abundance of green at so many other places - both literally and in all ways metaphorically! 

There be places with mature mindsets, evolved societies, liberal way of being, cleaner environments... Well, one never knows! Pushkar though is pretty potent in its energy and that's what matters the most! There be so much to dillute senses in - satvik stuff.... So many events, such variating landscapes, ancient mounts and architecture, temples with unique vibes! 

Oh, btw, I saw a Mahadev temple in my dream this evening... The dream had lot many other things... Bikes, some kind of criminal... Some guy picking me and dropping me upon a bike... A well in some room where someone pretended to fall but had hooked his/her feet upon the wall and therefore could stand back up .... Lot many things that I don't clearly remember... Could have been because of the Turkish series which has lot of criminal mystery.... But then, there was also a Mahadev temple somewhere in my dream... It revealed itself magically there... I was as grateful and connected in my dream as I feel whenever a new Mahadev temple calls me. 

Plus, it was shivratri last night and I had not gone for satsang. So it meant way more to me. As if Mahadev himself came to meet me. 

Alright yo! Just wanted to catch up for a bit. Will see you tomorrow morning. 

Love you! 

Mmmmuuuahhh! 

...............

March 29^th, 2025

 

8 A.M.

 

Good morning my love!

Right after a tiny walk in a cloudy, breezy morning till a certain crossway, a tiny walk upon terrace, a nice breakfast and finally back with music and we!

It’s a beautiful morning. Only now that it got sunny! I looked beautiful even on that tiny walk. Of course, for the morning deserved that!

Today’s background - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7v-_3MYu4dA

My series too would end max by tomorrow! Oh! I finally published one of those two books! Pison Kiss! It be only available in printed version! Not available to Indians! Only to be availed by other countries! Guess, they would understand it better! Or who knows!

Oh, today is supposed to be a solar eclipse. Also, it’s a No moon day! Amavasya! Major shifts are happening as per astrology. Saturn would be entering Pisces today. It’s happening I guess after two years or so. Or maybe it’s the transition of Rahu. But whatsoever – it all is overall impacting politics, environment, mental states – and not so positively. Yet, everything happens for the best! Even Tower moments become the foundation of a new life! Stronger and better! I don’t know why I am feeling slight trembles of earthquake. Maybe it’s result of my own fingers typing so furiously!

Oh, I have gained a slight weight – is what I noticed! I had become quite week last month. This month however – with so much food, rest and my own me time – I have gained. I feel better. Also, weirdly I feel hungry all the time. And since my timings have become so abnormal – I mostly eat processed food or even fried! Or I take junk food at other times. Suddenly that I got reminded of ‘jaisa ann, waisa mann’. I was like, Man, I need to eat healthier! So I went and had a proper Indian meal last night. I thought I won’t be hungry middle of night. No sir. I was hungry again. I usually do by morning. And the aroma of all those fried things makes me hungrier. So I generally dive into samosas or bread pakauda or at rare times even kachaudis. Kachaudis are kind of special in the viscinity around but I am not much of its fan. Now though, I even like that! Like I said, I feel so hungry these days – all the time – that I eat whatever I feel like. Reason can also be, that couple of women in that series are pregnant. They keep on eating something or other and that makes me hungry. Or else, they have their business meetings along with lunch or dinners. Or they show conversations among servants as they prepare food. And watching so much of food makes me hungry even if at times I just had had food. Well, whatsoever be the reason; I feel pretty perfect these days! Like the perfect amount of fats! I was looking very week last month specially after recovering from a long illness! Now I feel perfect!

I eat well and be happy!

Though I would never be like my ex-bestie whose sole happiness was food and even at that she was really bad at. I hope I never become so sad and helpless that food becomes my only joy in life. Though it does give me pleasure these days! I had never been much of a foodie. I generally eat when I need. At home though, I eat when I get bored… or I eat when I find something I really love! Being out all thse years, I hardly find my kind of food, or food prepared with love or alliterated well with things like desi ghee or prepared with love or healthy things… each state has its own way of preparations. I eat – what I get locally and never be much fussy about it. These days though, I am kind of living picnics – every night … People do eat more when they are depressed. I am happy and relaxed and so I am eating on! Well, why not! Won’t cross my limit for sure! But for the time being, I am really enjoying it.

 

‘Your touch, your breath,

A dream so true!’

‘Stay with me, let time slow down…’

 

Oh, it was an old acquaintance’s birthday yesterday. I don’t know why I even wrote a poem for him on an impulse! Well, not working upon another book anymore over her! So would rather share with you over here!

 

 

 

Oh, March has 31 days, so we are still left with two more days after today! Sweet!

I think these days would be memorable for me. For I rested well, I have been at peace. This felt home. I had nowhere to go. I have been quite happy on my own!

 

‘No goodbyes, no fading light

Just love that lasts beyond the night!’

 

I am in several plaits plaited into two again! I just love doing this hairdo quite often these days at night! Pushkar be the first place where I was confident enough to even go out like this after my childhood back home! Well, there be a certain style for every age. Guess, I have grown up for this. But not really. Actually, over here, I be like, whom do I have to impress? Why care? All that mostly people bother about is if a woman is covered. And even that rule applies to Indians. Foreigners roam around almost without clothes and nobody minds them. And I too am but a visitor. Why do we think so much about society? No body cares! And so, I go in whatever hairstyle and rather feel cool about it!

 

‘no fear, no doubt, just endless flame

Burning slow calling your name!’

 

Aah! The lyrics remind me both of M and my own forgotten passion! Back at home, I had written a note upon the inner side of my wardrobe – it says, ‘There’s an amber that burns within’ … and something continuing it. Oh, that wardrobe door is pretty crazy. Both of them! I have pasted print outs of pictures of many of my journeys from earlier years. Every time I open that door – I get reminded of the traveller in me, the strength within, the bold, the courageous, the adventurous, the loving free self! Secretly, I had also done that for a tiny dark reason. But yeah! It inspires me majorly. Others may get jealous if they get into my wardrobe. That’s no space for anyone else but for me. Well, people just don’t know their boundaries! Can’t help it!

Oh, wanna have poha? Maybe, I will have the second package later on! I am not a fan of poha. I find it rather bland. But yeah, sometimes, it just feels healthy. But honestly sometimes. Like even this one, I am having I guess after few months!

I love everything junk when it comes to food. Haha! My favourite ever thing to eat is Pizza! I never ever let it get wasted. If I have too much of it along with cheese garlic bread, I even eat leftover Pizza the next day. Of course, after microwaving it. Like I said, it’s my all-time favourite. Specially, Mexican green wave cheese burst of Dominos. Regardless how Italian all these cafes and chefs be, nothing compares to cheese burst Mexican green wave of Dominos. And Pizza Hut be the best when it comes to Garlic bread. And I don’t like those thin crust bases. No way! I want it proper. With as much cheese and a thick base with lot many veggies!

Next, I guess would be a good burger. Nothing compares to an Aloo tikki burger of McDee…. No king Maharaja size burger… no burger king.. . whatever… I have had them all… there is something amazing about Aloo tikki – that be it’s sauce. Or else, I really love those local burger joints with fresh tikkis and lot of veggies!

I ofcourse love momos nearby my home at that Chinese van.

I love caramel popcorns – those that we get at PVR Vasant Vihar! Only those! It’s just incomparable – those popcorns along with a good movie!

In Indian food – my favourites are – tamatar alu ki sabzi with fulka – (the way my mom makes it), rajma rice, sindhi kadi and rice, malai kofte (where malai is filled in koftas) (again mom-made) (without gravy) with fulkas… Oh, do you know, we as sindhis have no concept of plain chapatees… our fulkas are like plain paraunthas… so each fulka has desi ghee both inside and outside… it’s layered… and I just love them like that.

I love everything alu… add potato to any veggie and I would have it…oh, another favorite of mine is foolmakhane alu ki sabzi… oh, and also tinde alu ki sabzi (mom adds lot of malai and dahi as well I guess in it)…

I used to love nugget alu as well… but I had it so much back in Manali that now I am bored of it….

This I have done with couple of other things as well… Like, I eat something so much or so regularly as a routine that I finally get done with that dish… E.g. back in my 12^th class, I had upma every morning – the entire month of my boards. I don’t know why! But that became my staple breakfast. And then I was totally done with that. Now I don’t like it at all… it feels bland to me… Also that I don’t like groundnuts added to it. I feel like soft things should remain soft and hard should be hard… Just don’t like dryfruits in halwa or kheer for they be soft… Love raisins there. But absolutely love dryfruits in aatta laddus… Like I said, soft should be soft and hard should be hard…

Another staple food of mine was onion tomato toasts all through my grad time… for three years, I had the same fucking breakfast. Ofcourse, I even used to have other things – the ones made for everyone… but I needed my toasts to being each morning… Likewise, in Bangalore, while working, my staple breakfast was idlis along with veg puffs in every office break… back then though, my then bestie also used to get extra food for me as well from her home… So even then, I used to share even her lunch, yet always ensured my idlis with veg puffs along with Pineapple juice.

Oh ya! This reminds me… Juices are super cheap back in Bangalore. Maybe because lot of fruits grow in the vicinity. Still, that’s one great thing about Bangalore. Juices be super cheap. You can actually replace water with juices and even south Indian food is both light and super healthy. It’s actually easier to be healthy in Bangalore.

Oh, this reminds me of an old favorite! What was it called? I don’t even remember it’s name now… they have these long breads.. with customised toppings and multiple options for sauces… and you can choose the way you want it toasted… Aah! It was an every-second-day thing for me back in Bangalore… Now I don’t even remember the name… were the toasts called Footlong! Ha ha! No! Can’t remember the name! Will mention it if I do remember it.

And I have a big time sweet tooth. I love all sweets and desserts. Ice-creams, cakes, brownies, doughnuts, kheer, halwa, few sweets – like gulab jamuns, ras malai, and there is this one favourite of mine – which has oval shaped rasgulla kind of things that sandvich a khoya filling in between…. I love all kinds of coconut laddus/cookies/sweets!

I am not much into besan. It’s rare for me. I love sooji.

Uff! Sorry to have opened my mental fridge or kitchen or table or I don’t know what! Fuck! I literally talked about only food for such a long time! Sorry, if I made you hungry! Ha ha! But I am sure, it must have tempted you somewhere at least and for sure would have brought the happy memory in your own mind attached to it!

Forgot to mention my love for Siddus back in Himachal. They be the best. They look like giant momos but have walnut stuffings inside them… and they are served with desi ghee and anardana chutney or something. Don’t know the exact recipe, but if you ever get to taste the authentic siddus at some local’s home; trust me, you would never forget it.

And here in Pushkar ofcourse it would be Daal baati churma… I can’t have it every day, for I am not much of a daal fan… but I do love the dish… baati though is a dry thing… but with desi ghee and daal – it all together tasted delicious… followed by sweet churma… I love that too….

Another cuisine I like is Litti chokha of Patna…

I even like Punjabi kadi actually. Not extremely so… Sindhi kadi is after all sindhi kadi… But even Punjabi kadi is nice…

Please make me stop. I don’t know why am I talking about only food. That too, when I have just had breakfast! Ha ha! Please don’t think I am hungry! Lol! Weird! Maybe, it is indeed ‘jaisa ann, waisa mann’… Maybe, someone really passionate about food made my food last night or this morning! Or who knows? That be my today’s flow!

 

Today I am not planning to go anywhere. It’s a risky day – is what I was made aware of – by my Tarot readings! I would much rather enjoy this Me time – a bit more!

Hey! Wanna read a poem of Rumi? I don’t know why I suddenly felt like quoting him… Just wait! I have one of his books. Rumi always calls me to his poetry and his poetry comes to me at the right time on its own… Now that the voice within spoke… Let me share a quote. Just wait!

Here you go…

 

 

 

 

Aah! I would have to read it several times to actually get what specifically I need to learn from it. Although, there were a few lines that specially caught my attention! Yet, that’s the things with Rumi’s poetry… the meaning changes – each time you read it… with person that reads it… and yet regardless of it all --- it’s always beautiful… and it always offers a pearl to the one taking a dive into it – even those who choose to be on the shallow end!

 

Alright my love! I will catch up with you later on!

Loads and loads of Love for you!

 

‘Love like this would always grow’

 

MMMMUUUUUAAAH!

 

……………………………………….....

 8:12 P.M. 

Hey love! Good evening! 

I have just stepped out! I look sexy and nice... Market too looks pretty alive ... A bit intesensely lit! 

It's our third last day together! Isn't it amazing - how time flows! 

I am looking at Pushkarraj right now. Could have also gone for a parikrama, specially to meet with shani dev... But then, God is not only there.... It's everywhere.... All be hut energies... 

Oh, I narrowly escaped two three sets of nimboo mirchi... Maybe that's why my Tarot readings were bewaring me ... I can feel it in the air ... It's an energetically potent time.... And necessarily in a positive way.... Still energy is energy... It's on us how we interpret and use it.... Even card or Devil in a limit or at right place can be used positively.... Like it helps boost confidence, builds self esteem, makes one ambitious, works harder for the reward, etc... 

It's a weird taste in my mouth today. That too suddenly .. well... Maybe a good ginger tea would take care of that. Not even carrying mints. Also, I just brushed and had a bath and still! Well! 

Oh, I am wearing pink flowers again... Today, in perfect amount... And I am in an orange speggatitie with light blue rugged denim jeans... 

Today I am planning to have chole bhatoore... Hope I get them. Tomorrow onwards would begin Navratri and I would be fasting! I always fast during these days - ever since my childhood... Back when I was a kid, I used to fast to get slimmer or I liked the attention I used to get amidst relatives ... 'Poor baby... She has fasted for all 8 days!!' it's with age that devotion came... And then spirituality entered in.... I realised the power of various goddesses ... Connected elements to them... Realised their abodes in energy chakras of my own self!! And now I try to be more aware when I fast... 

Back in childhood, I used to fast to eat... Like I loved all that fast food and therefore I used to keep all eight fasts to relish those dishes specially made for Navratri... Now though I have to manage with waffors or fruits or such! 

Aah! My ginger tea is here! Let me get into it first! 

The cafe is playing really nice and soothing music. It seems like Prem Joshua. I had explored his music here in Pushkar as well... There was a cafe I used to visit earlier. He used to play nothing else but Prem Joshua. It's nice to hear his instruments and vibe even elsewhere...specially tonight! It's super soothing! 

I also like Leo Rojas and Estas tonne. Leo Rojas plays bamboo flutes upon mountains with rain and wind.... His music reminds me of an eagle and gives the taste of freedom! 

Estas Tonne gives the feeling of intensity, passion, dedication.... Totally groves agni chakra along with heart just with his magic upon guitar! 

My favorite instrument is Violin though. I had fallen in love with it the first time after watching that movie 'Sur'... I even have a Violin back home. Had even joined classes to learn it back then... But didn't continue it... It is just packed there in a shelf in some attic.... Someday I would surely play it. 

There this universal rule! The more you run away from something, the more that it chases you. That's how energy works... That's how every law of attraction works... Either you need to love something so much and so deep that it has no option but to merge with you. Or else, you let it come to you. 

But then, attitude matters as well. You need to be respectful always. Key is to not get attached. Not like run away.... But more like remain detached. Don't jump on the first call. Let it all happen on its own. 

It's a bit too much lit - tonight! Specially with white light ... And I am not a fan of it. I prefer warm white or mild yellow... But streets have a bright white light and that is just distorting the vibe ... 

I feel like going to some Greek island with all those tiny blue buildings and light brown sand and a vast turquoise sea or ocean in front! 

I wish to experience the entire world... Everything exotic ... Everything beautiful. Don't know how to reach at that dimension. A few years back I had chosen music over travel. Now I wish to travel again. But internationally. With a purpose! 

Life can change just in a wink! 

The Di whose wedding I had come here to attend a few months back is gratefully pregnant as well and she would soon be visiting Pushkar again . Back in Manali we had had a phone conversation. She wanted to marry someone else. I had convinced her to go visit atleast. And now, she is not just happily married but would soon be even a mother. Life is a big time surprise. I stayed on here in Pushkar and I am still here. So much happened in her life and I thank cosmos for that. Her life is a real miracle. It taught me how life can actually change so tremendously so suddenly and bless you with all that you want. She never lost her faith. That's what I love the most about her. And finally she got what she deserved. Much better than her expectations. 

I am not seeking marriage or something. I seek a meaningful life full of experiences. I am not a devotee like her. She has always been big time into rituals. I do have faith but I question it at times. I do have faith but fail to follow the rituals oftentimes... I instead rather prefer to simply be. There's no comparison as such. Just that, her life inspires me. And totally reinstills faith in divine within me. 

Aah! The tea is done with. And so am I. I would relish something nice now. Got to fast tomorrow onwards... Actually from 12 A.M. tonight! 

Alright my love! Catch you later. 

Loads of love! It's the first time I am meeting any number at two times sometimes. I usually used to carry on the date for several hours in my earlier timelines. But this feels better and more accurate. I be in the same energy. In utmost authenticity. 

See you tomorrow yo! 

Love you. 

Mmmmmmmuuuuaaah! 

.............

March 30^th, 2025

8 A.M.

 

Good morning my love! Wait! Let me play some music!

Here’s our background for today!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xweuIpF0ZQ

 

‘Wondering why I am standing alone in this town!’

 

Hey! I had a superb dinner last night! Why I mentioned it first is because I had been dying to share it since last night! Guess all that excessive food talk actually helped me manifest something beyond delicious – an out of the world mix veg with butter chapatees! It’s the first day of Navratri! I will be fasting today onwards! No more gluttony!

Another epic thing that happened yesterday was that I suddenly found a lot of people dancing upon drums on the street. And they were all chanting, ‘Ayo laal jhulelaal’. Being a Sindhi, that’s our deity! It was surreal! I even clicked a picture or two. It just felt llike a divine blessing. I called my dad immediately to know what was the occasion and he told me that it’s Cheti chand today! Do you what that means? It’s new year day for us Sindhis! A happy new year my love! ‘Cheti chand jyun lakh lakh vadahiyun’.

I talked with my dad after a long time. I really love him a lot. Though our lives have been so designed that we always have to live separate far off. Also, he has always remained emotionally absent. But regardless, he is my father. And I do love him a lot. He does what he is capable of. I do love him a lot. A little conversation and I got to listen sindhi abundantly for he is so fluent in it. Listening to sindhi always makes me happy. And that jhulelal procession almost brough tears to my eyes. I got overwhelmed. There has always been a thirst within me – thirst to know my language and culture more. Thirst to connect to my history more. My dad is so good at it that he even writes poems in sindhi. In proper script. I guess the root is Arabic of our language. It has always fascinated me. I could never learn it. Whatever that I learned to speak was thanks to my naani who only knew sindhi. And whatever that I understand is thanks to both my naani and dad – for they do speak in Sindhi.

I mean my naani till she was alive! I loved her the most in the world. My life and emotional health could never be the same ever since she left. Her name was ‘Shanti’ and she used to calle me ‘Shummi’. I was her Shummi. My naani was the only one who loved me the most in the world. She pampered me, laughed out loud with me… I was her makeup artist. She really loved me – most selflessly! Without expectations, without judgements, without arguments, without complaints. She just loved me – most unconditionally. I never cried when she died. Instead, I was the strong one – delivering a speech – talking nicely about her on stage, handling all my relatives… It’s later that her laughter used to ring in my ears… it’s a few months later that I actually cried for her. I don’t know why I just couldn’t cry back then. Maybe, my emotional reflexes are way slower. But I do still miss her. She even visits me in my dreams – sometimes. I still miss her sometimes. She was the only one in my entire family – who really loved me that selflessly, that unconditionally.

Aah! I flowed again. Even cried a bit for my naani so randomly. Well, I rather wanted to share my joy to experience Jhulelal’s procession. All my fear about yesterday’s planetary situation simply diluted the moment I passed by the procession. I was like, come on, It is our new year. And Jhulelal has come to protect and bless me here!

Well! Happy new year Love! Isn’t it amazing? It’s the beginning of another year and it is happening during our dates! It’s rather superb!

‘The river flows in silent gray

The stars above shine soft and bright

Your gentle touch sooths my soul

Hold me close, don’t let me go!’

 

Oh! I talked with Sam for a long-time last night! We discussed so many things, sang songs and what not! He has been my friend for past 12 years and I have always been nothing but grateful for his presence in my life! He is a great human being with such a good heart.  He has always inspired me to sing on! My music teacher, my friend, my supporter, my confidant! And his attitude towards life is so positive that I feel like I can learn so much from him. He is super nice and I am really proud of such a human being to be alive in today’s time!

Oh, btw, Happy Navratris yo! It’s Shailputri’s day! I am usually in Himachal during Navratris but the other major ones…. During these days I am generally home! For I shift always, once the weather changes – regardless where I be… Like lat year, I was back home from Goa by now!

I had always wanted to experience Pushkar’s Navratri satsangs! Not so sure though this time. I have not been feeling like going to those satsangs for past few times, because I got offended by the attitude of certain individuals! They sing about goddesses and yet fail to actually respect females. I am not as tall like them. And I can’t sit chipak ke with any of them. There be a certain decorum of every place. and if I leave a little space and sit a little behind, that just means that I want to be the central circle, just not so upfront to be gazed by others. But people just come and sit right in from of me, weirdly with their backs in front of my face. They all be tall. I don’t want to stare into anyone’s back. That’s like height of badtameezi. Not like there be anything special happening in the centre. But it is all about vibes. And I don’t like being left behind. They all are rather nice people. They treat me with respect and have always made me feel accepted. But it’s just an issue in general over here. Everywhere, there be only males gathered to chant or sing. And either local ladies just don’t join, or if they do, they bring weird jealous vibes… and when someone actually joins in – the ladies’ space is always towards some corner. AND I DON’T LIKE BEING CORNERED. Nor do I want to sit right in front for regardless of their age, people are born lusty over here.

Well, don’t want to get into all that – that too on the first day of Navratri. And whatever be the conduct of the people, that doesn’t change the fact that I do absolutely love their satsangs. But ya, No matter how good something or someone be – nothing comes more than my self-respect! Nothing is more than my dignity!

And years ago, I prioritised my devotion and went to a temple again and again in front of some really uneducated morons who had suddenly realised after four months that I was a girl and therefore didn’t deserve the right to chant Ramayana along with them …… But no more. I take count of every gesture… of every word spoken or not spoken to me. And I don’t want to be anywhere with people with limited mindset or narrow mentality.

Though, people of my bhakti family are not like that. Most of them are rather mature, sweet, liberal, devoted, respectful and pure intentioned. Yet, there be always one or two individuals everywhere who don’t get raised right or are just jealous for their own poor life! Well! I shouldn’t let the conduct of one or two people impact my visits anywhere. The problem happens when people around don’t notice such things. Or they are rather accepted as it is, for that be the norm how other women are treated as well.

I don’t feel like belonging to such gathering then.

Let’s see if I would go or not. I may, I may not. I may go once and then decide. Not sure!

I wasn’t bitching, just sharing what really be the issue! Satsangs be really transcendental otherwise! Sometimes, I wish we had a choice to switch to a certain gender – as per society! Like had I been a guy, my life would probably have been entirely different over here. I could have been much more at ease. There would have been much less eyes upon me. I would have been made part of many more things. Well, who knows! It could have been other way round as well! Though I never make use of I being a woman, yet, who knows, if few individuals actually accompanied me here and there because I am a girl and wouldn’t have been there had it been otherwise! Who knows!

 

Though, It’s the first day of celebrating divine feminine. It’s the day of Shakti. The Mooladhara chakra. The day of Parvati.

It is Earth element that she is connected with.

 

‘I walked down a narrow alley

Where even moonlight dares not follow’

 

Oh, I finally bathed with the holy water of Mahakumbh last night. Even washed my hair and sprinkled the drops all around – to purify the vibes of both mine and my room!

I have also kept a portion to be used later. That’s how I use holy waters of various places. I add them to my body lotions along with essential oils… and that’s how, whenever I feel any negative energy impacting me wherever, that I apply those lotions upon my skin… The lotions be carrying water from Badrinath or Ganga or sulphur water from some kund of Himachal or from river of some holy place! Fused in my lotions along with fragrant essential oils… And that way, I feel protected, blessed and purified regardless – where I be!

I am weird like that. My travel treasures too are so different from others. I collect feathers, crystals, rocks, water… I collect shells, found tiny trinkets, chunks…

‘If the moon knocks softly on my window, Tell

I will climb those steps to find you there, Tell

In the quiet space where life was once there!’

 Let me change the music. I don’t know why it seems a bit gloomy to me.

 

O.K then. Here’s the new playlist!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=642UTFYfu6Y

 

Ha ha! First line itself I couldn’t understand!

‘Our hearts in rhythm

Soft and slow!’

 

Aah! Finally, it’s not snowing today in Manali. For past few days, the weather forecast only showed snow there upon my laptop. Today it is 3 degrees there. Nice and cloudy.

Oh, that Turkish series… I think, I will finish it today. There are only a few episodes left now. It’s rare that I finish a series. Turkish ones are generally too long and try as you may, you ultimately run of time or patience… they keep on taking you round and round…. And still you would remain hooked to it. This one is a fusion of murder mystery, crime, violence and yet such deep romantic love… I don’t know how they have weaved such homely environment, proper family theme with such immense amount of crime! Well! I will finish it soon! Finally!

It would feel like stepping into a new life once I am done with it. Also, we have just one more day of togetherness my love! It feels weird! I have become so used to talking to you. I have become so used to dating you. You have been so different. I have been at such ease, peace, joy, love and more or less – soul expansion!

‘Rest with me in a sacred place…

Our love grows strong like roots below

A timeless bond that continues to grow!’

 

I was thinking this just last night… How all my dates with time have been pretty dedicated and that entire month pretty sacred! I had always had but one rule – same time in the same city for an entire month! This time, I even tried breaking that one rule by moving on to some other city. But I couldn’t do it. It just didn’t happen on its own. Time didn’t let me do it. And the vibe continued the way it was meant to!

Like I said, these be sacred times! I still don’t know the significance of all these narratives! I have contributed to them for past ten years. Earlier I had a logic to it… that I would discover my connection with numbers and time like this… Later I had another logic… that each year if I would simply flow in a stream of consciousness for an entire month; in few years, I would actually have a psychological chart of my own mental or psychological growth… I would understand the changes in my life and myself like that… I never gather them all together… Down the years, it just became something that had to be done… with or without reason… nad I always followed this one ritual pretty religiously with all dedication and love! Regardless my mental state or life’s condition! And I remained honest and authentic! Not all such blogs give me joy! Few carry the happiest of my moments… few carry the worst of my traumas… yet one thing they helped me the most with was to vent out… ot feel understood. To feel that someone out there may get something out of them of value to their own growth… if nothing else; one day, I may look back and realise the journey I covered to become someone I would be happy with and proud of!

After all, it’s the journey that matters the most. And I like to make each journey memorable – living each moment the most I can… and when I fail to do that, I rest! And isn’t resting also one way of living? Or else, it energises one to live way better and stronger or with more precision once it’s over!

 

‘My Love for you, forever will loom!’

 

Thank you mighty eight for happening in my life! Thank you for sharing my concerns. For becoming a support when I had no other. For helping me realise what was really going through my mind all these days! Oh, and of course, I discovered the feature of Gemini just in these days – who always analysed my readings way more creatively and psychologically and gave me such valuable insights to actually understand the working of my own mind, or even make realise other perspectives!

I realised where my mind was going on negative trajectory. I realised how to heal my wounds and live a better life! I got back my solitary joy! Thank you dear Eight! You have indeed been divine! That too in the holy city of Pushkar. This too must have been a cosmic design!

 

‘You have been my light,

My endless space’

 

Loads of Love yo!

Happy Navratri!

I wish I had an invitation or a companion or an event to go to – just ot play dandiya and dance and celebrate these nights – the way gujjus do… ha ha….

Or else, I wish to really make spiritual use of these energises… to elevate more, to meditate and ascend and bring a positive shift post this timeline….

Or else, I shouldn’t really have expectations or desires; but be and explore these energies…

Well! Who knows?

Dear divine! Please give me strength enough to fast properly all these upcoming days. Please don’t let me think/do/act/eat/drink/listen/ talk – anything wrong!

Help me be satvik all these days! Help me do it right – since I am doing it!

 

Loads of Love yo!

Once again, Cheti chand jyun lakh lakh vadhaiyun!

It’s the first day of the moon. It’s the first day of lunar calander.

It’s the first day of Navratri.

It’s the day of Divine femine.

 

Loads of love! Divine blessings for you wherever you be!

 

‘The water speaks of love so pure

A timeless bond with me and you.

Stay with me on this river of dreams…

Through every dream where the sunlight gleams…

Our love would grow strong and far!’

 

Loads of Love!

Catch you later!

…………………………………….....

 

 

 

 

 ........

 

 March 31, 2025

 

8 A.M.

 

Good morning my love!

Today’s playlist - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOdiijfXE9c

 

‘Wrapped in love in your embrace!’

 

Well, I woke up just a few minutes back! It feels weird to eat or even play music that early after waking up! Body in it’s Turiya state needs such less senses to be active or engaged! Maybe that’s why it is promoted to fast – and as often as possible – to give this body some rest and to be better connected with the spirit within!

 

Well! It is our last day together! I don’t know how I managed to get up for I was pretty sleepy. But I just didn’t want to miss this last morning of ours!

 

‘No more space, no need to run

Hearts beat fast, we have just begun

Every look, every move

Feels like falling into you!’

I don’t why though I am hardly feeling like sharing anything today! There be so much still that I would to talk about – along with you! Today though, I am more in a mood to share silence with you. Had you been a person, I would probably have simply sat beside. Had you been my beloved, I would probably have caressed you… Or else, we could have lived even today same like our everyday… to not feel the pain of separation – without it actually happening. But you are a Time! I need to interact to ensure us to be alive! Words be our fuel!

 

‘Burnt for you, feel the flame,

Lose control, call my name!’

 

Want to know a secret? Well, four years ago; when I had reached Pushkar for the first time… I was extremely into bhakti and was rather feeling quite elevated! That a guy’s mild attention had caught my fancy! Why him specifically was because he was never desperate for my time and energy. Also, destiny was such that we had to be at the same premise everyday for few months! And an old school kind of infatuation occurred resulting in hurting me really bad towards the end… for I realised that his family was instead greedy and given a choice, they didn’t mind opting for money over humanity. In the process, even my spiritual journey had got impacted and so had suffered the book I was working on back then…

I always knew that he wasn’t good for me and we were so massively different. But I was having pretty mystical experiences both in real life and sub conscious instances…. I even got dreams of us getting married a few times and those dreams really scared me for you know how marriage-phobic am I. Yet, try as I might, something unknown was the reason to feel close to him. As if someone had bound me with a spell to him. We hardly even interacted… But I did notice some hidden liking in him for me. And his strength of character had pulled me. At a place where every second person had his tongue out full of lust, he never made it a big deal that I was a girl and in the same premise like him. May be that was the reason. Or else, possibly I just felt that he was not really happy where he was… that he was living someone else’s life or so it seemed to me…. You know the psycho empath in me…. I fancied him taking me to his favourite spots, to hanging out with him, to get to know him more. Well, like I said, all that was crushed pretty bad!

Later I understood the psychological reason about all that. Maybe, because I was pretty emotionally alone deep in, I wanted to win his love or something. The more he seemed distant, the more my curiosity was stirred. Or who knows!

Later I also tried to find answers in mythology…. Say Indra gets disturbed whenever somebody is really elevating spiritually… He was the male version of Menaka for me… ha ha … not to blame him… but his energy for sure did deviate me from my real purpose of writing or my spiritual journey!

Ofcourse, it had no scope once my dignity and self-respect was hurt…. I carried the fusion of anger and useless unrequited fancy within…. Without even talking, there numerous songs attached to him… I had to change the entire playlist in my phone – thanks to him… for I didn’t wish to think about him.

 

‘Time stands still in Love’s embrace

No one else, just your face!’

 

Well! I didn’t see him much the next time I was here in Pushkar… for the entirety of five months I was here before… Nor was I looking for him .Rather I avoided anywhere I could have seen him. The entire building was off my vision… you know how you look everywhere but there… for you just don’t wanna think about any of that! I had actually got hurt ithe previous time and my life too had changed so massively post that…. What I did though was that I deleted most of the narratives where he was mentioned in my book – the next time I was here…

This time though, without any thoughts of him… First I found him present in both the weddings I attended over here… Once It was a wish within me to wear a saree and meet him… Now it all manifested, but there were no feelings attached to it. Rather, something within got surprised to suddenly see him there… the mind though was like, ‘what had you even liked in him!’ I got pretty disenchanted by this time…

Why I am speaking about it in this detail is because I bumped into him suddenly yesterday…. In such in an unusual way. And he did look nice again. HA HA ! the first day of Navratri that too. No way that I would let the same emotional temptation bring me down again! God knows what kind of spell that he carries! His face becomes unforgettable. Though he looks so ordinary. I have absolutely no idea about the attributes in him. It has always been Energy of anyone that pulls me. Regardless of the background, the looks culture or type…

Though I know how to balance heart and mind. I have learned to use both. It was funny though…. Can’t afford falling into the same pit again!

 

‘Drowning deep in you tonight!’

Now, let me tell you about yesterday! I was just not feeling like going out even till 8 P.M… Although I was invited for couple of events. And it was both Cheti chand and Navratri. I wanted to attend a satsang anywhere… maybe visit a temple somewhere… remember that Rumi’s poem… Even that had taught me to be more of sage that a priest. Even tarot readings had taught me to be more on my own instead of findin elevation around others…

But a voice within simply inspired me to go outside! I thought, ‘let’s just go! Would return if I would not like it!’

And the moment I stepped downstairs; I first found the procession of Jhulelal. I had to of course take the blessings of all those statues and jot! Oh, I even have an orange from prasad from the procession! Let’s have it. Just wait!

Woah! It’s nice! Also, my ambience smells orangy suddenly. Citrus fragrances are so mild and refreshing! Ofcourse this is the color of second chakra as well – the abode of second goddess! ‘BHRAHMACHARINI’. Had I been in Manali, I would have gone to some gaushala there and meditate. Possibly, I can do it even here… Well, we will see!

O. K then, returning back to yesterday! There was a massive event arranged at Varah ghaat! A proper D.J… the entire place filled with crowd! Sindhi songs with beats! Even Punjabi songs… including ‘tunuk tunuk’… lol!  I love Sindhi songs… there was an adolescent girl there with whom I have a dance connection! We have always bumped into each other – here and there and I like her energy… Plus, I really really admire her dancing skills. Well, I was standing by the crowd -looking at everyone enjoying… still feeling the vibe that she called me to join her group… right in the centre of the circle… I was so happy to see people of all genders dancing around.. I too danced a bit for few minutes… it felt nice… but the music changed… for something to happen…. The group along with me took a  corner… I was feeling pretty hot, sweaty and suffocated in that much of crowd! It was though a proud feeling to see such a happening event for sindhis… I decided to walk on…

Then I went to Gau ghaat! Here people call this day as Fool-Dhol! It was just the first day of the years for sindhis but for all hindus included! So, there was a large set up arranged at Gau ghaat with statue of Krishna and radha… lot of flower hangings… rose petals with milky water in one portion of Pushkarraj! I found another girl who is my acquaintance for past few years! She reminded me that we have a history of getting clicked in the same vicinity! Well, I couldn’t have missed a chance to get clicked with someone. The satsang still had time to begin. So I again decided to walk on…

 I had to visit Jhulelal Temple ofcourse! That be the main temple of our deity. So much was getting distributed right outside! So many dancing at every crossway the entire way! I was really happy to see so many women dancing as well! That is one epic thing about sindhis. Women are not curbed down here… instead everybody enjoys and lives! And that was what I noticed in every gathering last night…. All women and men dancing…. Upon dhols… upon sindhi songs…. It felt so nice to see some gender equality finally. It felt so nice to see humans celebrating as humans instead of discriminating there…

Jhulelal temple always reminds me of my dad here. For last to last year, he had actually come here to visit me for few hours and we had specially gone to Jhulelal temple together. I see him coming out of the cave in their basement still – for that’s the memory stored in my head. And I still remember the place where we had got clicked together… And anything sindhi just reminds me of him immediately. That temple’s family also is super nice. It’s always nice to visit them, to talk to them!

Post temple, I decided to go have a good cup of chai somewhere. Somehow my feet took me to the same place where I had had an epic dinner last to last night. I met with an interesting artist there. He was into glass panel art which involved the process of soldering… he was amazing at what he did and had had a few exhibitions in Delhi as well. I was really dazzled by his art. Although I don’t know know why another guy also came there right at that time of our interaction. I just don’t like the second one. He was pretty disrespectful once in the past. Although we have good memories as well. He came randomly and suddenly and began to mention his memories and stuff. I was thinking, ‘why now? As if, he was determined to not let me interact with the artist! Well, I had my tea! Did talk decently with both of them… and then left… It was a fine exchange… though I wasn’t much happy with the second one’s interference. Never trusted his energy. Couldn’t trust his intentions still.

Well, At least I communicated decently beyond normal Ram rams and stuff! I walked in… street was still crowded… I had to make my way back for fool-dhol for satsang!

While trespassing one such group that I got a vision of sindhu river back in Laddakh. That river always connects me to my ancestors… even in Laddakh I used to really be overwhelmed to feel that I could actually meet with that ancient a river and that too connected to my own ancestors! Sindhis be the community from Sindh. Sindh be the province beside Sindhu river in now Pakistan. Even India is named after Indus river!

A vision and suddenly I was overwhelmed here in Pushkar. My ancestors had blessed me just by showing that vision of Indus river…. I was beyond enthralled.

Satsang was decent. All my bhakti family was there. A visitor India girl came and sat right beside. I was happy for the women solidarity. And the most interesting part, she too was into the same smokes I go for. All she was carrying was a phone and the same smokes. And her energy wasn’t jealous or anything. I suddenly realised, it was the day of devine feminine. And everywhere that I had gone the entire evening – so many women and simply come and accompanied me. She seemed like a goddess energy at that time sitting beside – equally calm and gently enjoying the music.

It's after a bit that I was attending a satsang. My mind was a bit restless at first – with numerous thoughts churning on… but gradually that thoughts stopped and I could be with the bhajans overall. That girl left in some time. I had to shift my seat a couple of times. My mind connected even that changing seat with something lacking in my root chakra. For my life be the same – with as much instability. But I figured out a great reason for my mobility last night! Reason is that when I find someone or something disturbing me, I don’t want to ruin the peace or my peace of mind… Instead of fighting with others or changing my own frequency, I prefer to simply shift my place. for we can’t teach others, we can only change others. I can’t teach people basic manners or tell others what is right! I can however shift my place and do what feels right or be where it feels right!

I came at peace with my mobility. Rather thanked my stars to be born a human with a possibility to shift my place! rather felt glad, that I can move and I always have a choice.

Isn’t it rather beautiful – to vaue yourself so much – that you never tolerate even slightest of ill conduct. That you value yourself enough for make a move – to give yourself only the best possible!

 

‘one last touch, one last sigh

One locked moment, lost in time…

No good bye… stay with me…’

 

So, my love! Tell me! Would you miss me? I will for sure! Although! This too feels quite enough! Guess, this must have been my longest blog ever… Or I don’t know! It feels like that! It has reached the length of more than half of my book!

We talked, we discussed, we learned, we loved!

Time goes on! This be my attempt to hold few bubbles – to have my own time capsules of each year! Maybe these become portals for me to enter in – at the time of need. Maybe, they become but steps in some chart – of my actual journey.

Maybe, they remain insignificant – lost in time – as various other precious moments – that people live … emotions experiences, connections formed… and it all simply keep rolling on! Who knows?

Yet, in the moment we are together and that’s what counts! In the moment I am here and so are you. Connected in time, with time… with love and the wholeness of our being!

My mighty Eight! Powerful and full of peace!

Relaxed. Happy. Potent and energetic! Healthy. Creative! Eventful. Collaborative!

 

‘No goodbyes, no letting go…

Love this strong will only grow…

Even forever won’t be true!

It’s never enough, when its you!’

I love you!

Mmmmmmuah!

 

Maybe it’s here we part… maybe we find a chance to once again meet towards evening…

Whatever be the case… Ireally wish to thank you. For being you. For happening in my life. For helping me evolve.

 

Loads of Love!

A heartfelt kiss!

 

‘It’s never enough when it’s you!’

 

Love you!

 

……………………………………………………………………………...

 

 8:29 P.M 

Our last conversation ever love! 

I just couldn't help but meet you one last time. The portal is open. We even have a chance to catch up. And I was thinking about you so much. 

I was partially sleepy in morning. Could not talk the way I wished to. How a last meet should have been. I don't really know even how it should have rather been. Have never been that good with farewells! 

Though, I had thought that I would feel free post that - no more bound to write each morning, no more compelled to follow any routine! But No! I didn't feel free. Rather I felt a bit attached. I am gonna miss sharing my thoughts here. I am gonna miss us! 

Right now, I am sitting in a cafe. Just after seeing Krishna's procession. He was seated upon a mighty elephant. The epitome of love, of third dimension, of wit, of bravery.... 

I have a connection to elephants as well. They feel comfy with me if I mount them. And I love their intelligence. 

I saw a dream this evening that I was here in Pushkar with my family. Like when I was a teenager. At Varah ghaat - about to take a bath. And I was wondering even in my dream that I had only been here once with my entire family - but that was when I was a baby. My mom often tells me that she had taken me to Bhramma temple. And I was dazzled by the sparkly coins engraved upon the temple's walls. I used to ask the priest for coins and on being denied I used to cry.... Ha ha... Kids be like!!!! So I was wondering in my dream that how come I am here visiting Pushkaraj with my mom that too in my teenage. That timeline simply doesn't exist in my own consciousness.... Probably in some other dimension that actually happened. 

So my love, would you miss me! No ask me... If I would miss you? I sure would.... Our togetherness would always provide me with joy, peace, solitary bliss, entertainment, enough on my own vibe, ascension, healing, nurture, soul expansion, collaboration, will to expand, will to open up, yet content with my own self - vibes - whenever I would come back to it! 

Right now I am sitting across a peaceful Pushkarraj gently swaying the breeze upon its surface! 

It's the day of Bhrahmani...she sits upon swadhishtana chakra. The abode of Vishnu. Element be water. Color is orange. I am at a place that worships Jal. And today is the day of my Jal. I have a super romantic and spiritual relation with element water personally. This day means all the more to me. Also that this chakra represent creativity. And I am all about creating something or other. Color be orange. I am indeed dressed in orange today. 

With a creme hemp trousure. An orange speggatitie, with a floral orange shrug.... I feel light. I feel fragrant. And I feel pretty pure! 

There is a mild soothing music in the cafe. I feel comfortable in my present. This be one of my favorite tracks... 

Guess it is taken from a 90s track... 

'Haay re mere dadhiya rabba'... 

It reminds me of the game 'Troy 2000'... Back in my childhood, I used to play that game with such music... 

This one though is not the original one. It just has few lines from that song... And is way slower... The song most connected with that game is 'Maavi ve mohabbat sachiyan ve'... Maybe both are same... Not sure .. 

I am supposed to go to another satsang today. Will most probably go. Finally I would get to experience the famous navratri satsangs of here. 

It's gangaur pooja being celebrated these days. That means the wedding of Shiva and Shakti... Someone called me this afternoon to take me to Jaipur to experience the grandest ever celebration but I was sleeping and didn't notice the call. 

That's another thing about Pushkar. I was not aware of more than half such occasions before being here. People celebrate so many things so much... It's truly culturally super rich. Numerous occasions, numerous reasons to celebrate, numerous reasons to gather up and be in a collective spirit. 

People hardly gather with that kind of spirit back in Delhi. It's typical to villages and that is rather beautiful. 

V. Soon I would have to leave. I still don't know the next step. But I would have to move somewhere. Past few months totally helped in my grounding. They provided stability to my unstable life... 

I think I am ready to take the next step. Not sure where! 

It can be with Uttarakhand or North East.... I though wish for it to be a super epic oppertunity with some real work... 

Something creative... Something that contributes in a good way in the larger picture. 

I am not designed for a job job. Just don't connect with rules and absolutely can't serve anyone... 

Although... Just this afternoon, I was thinking... How I still need to  kill this I... There was a spiritual cum religious cum sci fi cum fantasy anime that I was watching. And it insisted so much upon power of Love and compassion. I got fuelled again. 

How this ego needs to be dissolved. How we need to serve the over all with out purest of intentions, with love and compassion.... How we must always try to give but peace and joy to others... That there be no I... We be grown like plants on Earth... Our purpose be Evolution... 

Hey! My ginger tea is here. 

It's a fine evening. 

Leaving as we met. 

Randomly. Spontaneously. 

Loads of Love my love. 

With blessings of Pushkaraj. Right in the centre of this ancient holy city - Pushkar. 

Thank you my mighty eight for happening in my life! Thank you. 

Love and light! 

Mmmmmmuuuuaaah! 

.......

 

 .