Sunday, October 22, 2023

Scapegoat

 



A lifetime spent 

In pleasing those

Whose very purpose 

Was to cause displeasure! 

Not easy being the scapegoat! 

Not easy realising to be so! 

Whom to blame! 

How to revive 

Years of struggle with my own self

When all this while 

All I wished to be better! 

To the extent of losing any will to be so! 

Now I realise it was all part of the puzzle 

The in and out 

Chasing external when the issue was internal! 

How to detox from that oxygen that was also poisonous. 

No amount of anti-oxidants are enough 

No nurture 

For my very soul has imbibed 

The virus! 

Aah! How to heal? 

Yes! I am independent. 

Fiercely so. 

No more can I listen to my intuition 

For it has grown up anti me! 

It's lonely being the one who breaks generational curses 

It's sickening to finally decode the code 

It shatters my heart so 

To know 

To see 

To feel 

The illusions once again breaking so.

And I fall free

Into the abyss of darkness 

With a single ray of light 

Highlighting the shadows of my life further so. 

No hope, no support,

None to confine into! 

It's lonely in here 

Suffocating as well

I can hear my own heart beat

Tiny little heart pounding for my life so far

Each abuse, each rebuke, 

Every unfair ordeal of life

Each undeserving soul given another lifeline 

And I wonder, why me? Why now? 

Sometimes truth breaks you 

Shatters your every idea about life! 

Am I alive? 

Barely surviving. 

As the blood manages to make it to the cells

The body manages to do the basics somehow 

I wonder 

Is that all? 

What else? What more? 

Now that am matter-less 

Flood of emotional debris clogging my body, heart and soul 

Am sick to my stomach 

Nerves making me fall as I try to leave my slumber

So I sleep on 

More and a bit more! 

With nightmares of monkeys 

Trying to eat me alive. 

And I wake up alone 

Reality no different from sleep! 

It's not easy being a scapegoat. 

It's even worst to finally realise it. 

Atleast now I know it. 

All I have to do is accept and then move on! 

Is it possible? 

Maybe that's why I got to know

About my disease 

So as to heal! 

Pray, what amount of anti-dotes would be enough 

To remove years of toxins from my core, my very soul. 

A lifetime spent 

In pleasing those

Whose very purpose 

Was to cause displeasure to me! 

Maybe it is time to choose me! 


~ Surbhi Rohera 

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