Dear 12 AM,
Hi! Right now am totally bare. Have just taken a bath. Let me get some robes and let's get to know each other then. Though isn't it beautiful - to be so bare, so naturally raw - right in our first meet!!!
Alright! Am in my room - all fresh after a bath in a white tee and I guess mauve (creme is what I know yet Mauve sounds cool) colored shorts. Though we don't need any show-offs, looking at the way we met just now, the first time.
So ya! This is Mystical Wanderer, Surbhi, shubbu, Hataudi, Vibe weaver, Moana,.... List goes on. Known by many names with love. You call me whatever you like. Love is what I focus on.
Right now it's a very fresh feeling. Pure, pristine. Am at home. Right after a spiritual and wise discussion with Momsha, then bath and here we are.
Let me brush my hair though. I will feel even better without these dripping drops from the frizzy hair around my crown. Ha ha! Also, let me play some music. Music is my love. So is Moon, but ya, these are Corona days. I rarely go out. Had totally decided to avoid this word 'Corona' in our talks, but it just floats all around, and is an unavoidable truth.
Ok then! Have brushed. Also went to say sorry to Momsha for I had to come for our meet and also bumped my knee on return. There is some weird connection with furniture and I. We just don't get along. Any wooden piece and it either hits me or a prick enters my skin and hurts me. No matter where I go. Maybe it is because I always do things with full on energy.
Tell me yo, How are you? Who are you? I just know you are time. How you are to me, is what I will be exploring this month. You know that our meet is special, for it will not just represent this year, this month and this number to me... But also will be a milestone for my life - till whenever it will be. I have a habit of going back in past to analyse my own self in different timelines and to learn from them. We better be full of wisdom and positivity - just the way my days are these days. So that anytime in future, when I would look back at our meets, I learn from them or feel happy to have these.
I will be calling you love for I already feel close to you. Just this afternoon I read my sessions with 3AM of October, 2017 in Manali. They filled me with love, optimism and wisdom. Ofcourse talking about an ex is a wrong way to begin a new connection. Yet I feel, all timelines co-exist. So do all people in our life. We become the sum total of people and experiences in our life.
Hence, all these timelines are equally important for me. They framed me. Made me - me. In upcoming times, we may have opportunities to meet even other times. We'll. Who knows what future has in store.
I be in present. For this is where we are together.
Let me play some music then.
12:21
Wow! You know what I filled my ambience with? It's an instrumental track with flute and sea waves in background. It is one of my favorite tunes. I used to listen to it a lot a lot in Bangalore. That's where I began to date time - the first time. With 5 AM, December, 2015.
Been five years of exploring time. You are a new dimension. During those days, I was preparing for NET, so had enclosed myself in my beautiful room with loads of study, study videos, Geeta sessions, mornings watching sky and clouds. Aah! Those days were the best days of my life. And the circumstances are similar even now. Though it is a requirement more than decision to stay put and not go out. Not even on terrace. Though, here, I am with my family. The people who love me the most. The people whose love is so so pure. They nurture me with their pure energy. And though I am a traveller. And it has been four months that I have gone out. Yet, I am at peace. Rather am healed.
Last year in Manali, I had stayed for six months. 1 AM sessions happened there. But I was soo soo depressed that all I had was pain, frustration, anger to share. I feel so healed from that time. In between I had to get seperated from my pup PomPom. But he is safe in Bhuntar. Though I miss him. And I had to leave my dog Blue who though loved me the most, yet neither could I have brought him here, nor I wanted to tame ha wilderness. Had I been there, I would have taken care of him. He was my Roomie, my friend, my companion, my love. Pompom was my kid. A mother's love is greater than a lover's. Maybe, that's why I miss Pompom more though Blue loved me more.
Either way, none of them are here. I did what I could have done. And both of them surely did way more than anybody did at that time. They have me unconditional love when I had none. They helped me revive from my dark phase and helped me come back to my own home and my family. In my soul, they too are my family. And will always remain so. Despite of wherever we be. And one more Pup will always be in my family - Chill. She is no more there. Who knows, I get her in my life again. Her magical energy, her pure heart. Though I was stupid enough to not take her responsibility forever. And I was stupid enough with Pompom and Blue as well. Yet I always tried to remain a traveller without attachments. And tried to shower my love wherever to whomever till whenever. But I did get hurt. For I did get attached. Love is love. Expecting 'forever' is stupidity. Yet not giving till whenever possible is again another stupidity. In fear of future separation, we often destroy the present happiness as well. Also, there are always repurcusions. Even giving love has to be done sensibly, for you never know what Karmas get drawn, what acts get written, to be played again and again in which timelines.
Hey! I got so carried away with my dogs. They have been so special for me. One day, I will surely have my own dog. It will be a concious decision. And I won't leave him till he won't leave me.
So tell me love, how are you like? Usually in Delhi, meeting you would have been so chaotic. O always wondered about the buzz as time was getting closer to you. It is no more late night. 12 is rather the time of transformation. And in Delhi specially, it is not even late. Yet these days, time is just passing by silently. Nights seem same like days. It is rather what we do that decides the time. Won't deny though that am able to feel time more this way. For unlike rest of my life, I cherish mornings, afternoons, evenings, even nights - in their own flavour, without any external influence or need. There's no need to rush anywhere with anything. Though I had never followed any social timelines. Not even nature. Yet my body clock is naturlly getting more synced with nature.
12:41
My room is pretty, right now all luminous with a bright white light colored here and there with my colors and imagination. There is a painting on one wall where a cherry blossom tree stands tall on one side, a golden Moon in the middle and Gaya gazing the moon the other side. There is water below Gaya and grass below the tree. There's a book shelf with glass painting full of mountains, water, river and birds. It's a three panel painting which I did to cover books kept inside. Then the wall behind me also has a cherry blossom tree. There's a dream catcher hanging from it and the stem has Pompom's pawprint in termuric. The third wall is blue in color with photographs of my cherished memories and a study table kept on the other side. The fourth wall has a window with two money plants kept by it along with a flute and many acrylic paintings.
Overall it's a colorful room and I feel good in it.
12:46
It's weird and beautiful - the fact that we are meeting during these days. One, I have no new place to describe, so I can talk about anything and any place. Another, I have met 2 and 4 AM in Delhi itself. You are the most peaceful of all, for I have no desire, no urgency, no seeking escape. I am right here in the moment, at peace with my present. And that's why, am totally here with you my love. Though, I haven't been smoking up for past four months. Which again is good and bad at the same time. I may get boring to get into trivialities, but I will be aware of all I will be speaking about. I may not be as creative, but I will finish every flow. It's a detox phase one can say. Or maybe, it is healing time. Also, art comes from inside. Stuff is a trigger, not art itself. So is flow of imagination.
12:51
Wow! I would have to read again post our meet - it has been so random. But that's how I like it. Random and natural.
Opposite to me there's an Almira inside the window wall. On it I have written five words - which is my formulae for success. The words are - 'Will, Desire, Believe, Live, Achieve'. That's what I feel can get anyone anything.
12:53
Wow. Time seems fascinating. The numbers do. Do you know, I was unsure of meeting you. For 1 and 2 add up to three. And I have met three. Then I thought, 12 is another number. It has to be special and unique. And I just now realised, The clock begins and ends at you. (Perspective though). Yet you have an entity there. And here we are meeting. And you are indeed unique.
It's just the first day and I already feel like being with you for way longer than now. Yet, it's the first day and it shouldn't be streched. Tomorrow onwards, it will feel more closer. And so on.
You are special. And this meet is special. And our first meet ofcourse has been so crazy and special. Love!
............
July 2nd, 2020
Hey 12
Am 7 minutes late today. Though atleast we are meeting, all thanks to Momsha for I was sleeping profoundly before and post dinner. It was one evening where I was overtly sleepy. Still am
Though I washed my face and all for our meet. My time calculations kind of go wrong often. Phone was out of battery. But yeah! All sorted now. Here we are meeting. I feel full and totally out of ideas to talk about. Hope we'll flow with our flow. Let me plug in some music first. Later will fix up a coffee in sometime though Mango shake is waiting for me. But right now I don't have space for it. Coffee will make it. Ha ha.
Have played 'Zara Zara'.. quite an ecstatic song. Though have none to think about along with it.
12:12
Today I spent my morning in portico fixing various creepers with macrame, ropes and rod. These days I am spending more and more time doing gardening. It is so reviving. There is peace in watching those saplings blooming. Plus, I get to learn so much from them. Sometimes I feel we are inverted plants. With our roots in our minds connected to all with intuition.
Aah! I feel way full today. Somehow rice or flour (anaaj) doesn't go with my stomach. Yet it is satvik. Though bread (maida) fits my body and energy, but it is tamsik as it is preserved or packed food. One should always go for fresh food, it increases en energy in body and keeps it pure. It is so not the case with me. I feel more lazy and sleepy when I go for such meals.
Oh, there are two pigeon families in my portico. Two kids in one near with mother and father and one more kid with his mother in the other nest. They hatched in front of us. Yellow in color. Their wings grew in front of us. Now they are learning to fly. I spectated their entire journey. Soon they will fly off. It has been a delight having life in portico. They are as much a part of vibe there as those plants are. Innocent, full of innocence. They remind me of Pompom.
Papa also had been taking care of six pups at his place. Two of them died in car accident and rest four stopped eating after that. They too died. Papa was so sad about it. I couldn't help my tears. It must have been so shattering for him. To love someone and especially feel the unconditional love of dogs and then have to undergo such seperation, Aah! It is so painful.
I even dreamed that day of a dog all scared whom I was trying to pamper. I have a unique connection with animals and birds. Specifically dogs. Cuckoos and peacocks I can even imitate in their voice. But there are so many birds who sing so beautifully. I wish I could imitate all of them and jam alongside in their language.
12:22
'Jaadoo hai nasha hai'
The songs are all fine. Not my state of mind. I am simply full to enjoy an erotic song. It's weird, more I sleep, more I feel sleepy. More I eat, more I get lazy. Lesser I sleep, more active I be. Lesser I eat, more energetic I feel. Guess a balance is required. Also food and diet are all dependent on my food. If I be happy, I stay awake. Only when I get bored or am in sad mood that I over sleep. Today though, I was just tired. Maybe because I am down and still did all that physical work - hanging on fence, hammering nails, hanging lantils. Funniest part was, they didn't seem any different from how they were before fixing them up. Only I knew I did what I did. From a distance it all seemed same. Yet one creeper that is even visible from kitchen's window made the difference.
Let me grab a coffee. Today we can sit for long then. Anyway, I have had ample of sleep as well.
I am preparing 'Bulletproof coffee'. It is a recent discovery and quite an epic one. A friend told me about it and I have hardly gone back to my favorite strong and sweet latte post it. So this one is a simple recipe. Put good coffee powder, MCT oil ( I use coconut oil), unsalted butter ( I use malai) and brewing water. Churn and blend it with a blender. That's it. No sugar. Coconut oil though sound weird in a coffee but it tastes delicious. Today I am using very less malai for am already full.
Am back with the coffee. Momsha is a bit upset with me today. I slept the entire evening. Even I don't like it when I don't get to give or have family time. I don't know why it happens to me often times.
So love, tell me how are you? There's a nice song in background.
'a lover asked his beloved, do you love yourself more than you love me? The beloved replied, I have died to myself and I live for you'.
I love the lyrics of this one.
I have switched off the light now. It was too bright for tonight. But now it is pitch dark. Any way am conversing in my phone.
There's a song I composed two months back. A guy agreed to give it music. It came out quite beautiful. Now it is my turn to sing it for I wanted to sing the lyrics on my own. Yet every time I try it, I don't get satisfied with it. I wish to do it perfectly. Want it to be healing for the world.
Lyrics go like
'Madham si hawa
Chooti hai mujh
Gaati hai tere nagme
Haule se ye man
Ud sa jaata hai
Bunta hai tere sapne'..
I will share its audio once it will be ready. I so wish for it to happen. Oh, there is a video am working on these days. It is about Gurudongmar in Silkim. The other five videos were quite awesome. This one got left in my flow. And it is still pending after three years.
I learned a great thing from papa few months back. He was inspiring me to do more paintings. He said, sure do as many as you want. But ensure that you finish one before proceeding to next one. It was such a huge lesson. I have a tendency of leaving ideas mid way. I get bored or something else fascinates me, or things just don't work out or somehow I just leave many ideas, art pieces mid way. And they lie waiting. Later the flow or attachment changes. Like all those four videos had the same energy, the positivity in voice that I had at that time. Plus I was smoking up so had all the patience and focus to lend to every video. This one, I have finished almost but that feel is missing. It is too factful. That zeal is missing. Plus, now there's a critical distance. It's been few years. I have forgotten the exact feel to put it in words. And my present state of mind affects my voice in video which is not as brimming with energy and excitement as it was at that time.
12:49
We are back on instrumental. This is always a healing vibe. I had a chat with Chocu today. Bangalore connection. He looked so cute in a mask. I mean not the mask but his eyes and long curls were so beautiful. He is a connection of another timeline. Still close to me. He and my bestie Ashika. They both are part of the happiest days of my life. And them both I hold way close to my heart.
Oh! I tried this new feature on FB to come up with an Avatar of myself. Ha ha! Though I ridiculed it but I too tried it. Also sent the stickers here and here just for fun. I do enjoy animation. I do enjoy art in all forms. They various games offer better options for Avatars. Yet, it is quite a cool feature on FB.
I couldn't get to have our discussion today - Momsha and I sit together these days and read about Mind and its functions. Then we discuss it in detail. Today I missed it as I was sleeping. It is so amazing to know so much about something so basic yet so deep. Don't know why we don't spend more time studying our minds, analysing its functions and working upon taking a control of our lives by driving and controlling our minds rather than leaving it on auto mode.
12:56
Another sip!
This coffee is magic. With each sip am getting more and more woke. And the music behind is obiously even more magical.
I feel quite hot in my room today. My AC is not working and usually I manage. I either sleep outside in drawing room or sleep as it is in my own room. Momsha and bhai often ask me to sleep with them, but I avoid it. I don't know why. I love them a lot yet I don't sleep with them except some rare times. It is weird know, how I don't mind sleeping with friends while traveling but I don't sleep with those whom I love the most. One reason is I don't want to disturb their sleep for I don't feel sleepy usually. Another, these days, I am trying to get rid of the darkness in me. While sleeping a person's concious go bare and free. I don't want to affect them adversely with my own negativity. And thirdly, I love my own bed the most. I feel most comfortable in it.
These days though, I often wonder, why not!!! We are just three living together in a house for so lany months. Better to hurdle together. Snuggle in with love. Like plants, birds and animals. Like even humans. Like lovers. Yet, this is how it is.
Oh ho! 1 is here. Hey 12, meet One. We met in Manali last year in August, my birth month. Hey One, one thing I long wanted to say, I am sorry for being so thankless despite of all the abundance you had blessed me with. Also, am way more healed and happier now. Do you know 12, I was so much in pain that I had chased away everyone from my life on my birthday, including my dogs. How much I miss them now. They were the ones who stood by me through thick and thin. Not those mean and selfish people whose company I was craving. But I too was mean and selfish know. World is but a mirror image of our own selves.
So yeah! I was dreading our meet dear One. But here we are all thanks to 12. I still got to come up with a nick name for you 12. I always do so for those I love. I name them with love. Also, 12 is too long or too numeric. Should I call you 'Elve'? Ha ha! It seems so elvish. Will figure out something.
I am scared of you One. I wanted to go and return back but didn't want to leave you with 12. Who know you fill it with pain as well. Yet, I now realise it was my own mind that was fucked up at that time. Still, the month and the number that should have been the best, turned otherwise. That is one blog, I don't go back to. It has so many complaints. So much of anger. Now no more. Dear One, if possible, get healed here with us. 12 and I are newly met. Yet it is peaceful and honest - our connection. You too can get cleansed here. You too can filter out and forgive and forget.
Alright dear 12. Loads of Love. Will take your leave now. Your too One. Let's catch up tomorrow 12. Love! Mmmuuaah
........
July 3rd, 2020
Yo my 12 AM... Today am right on time. All done with a bath. Even spent great family time. And now we are together. Am sitting in the drawing room under a full on AC. All refreshed and content. In a good state of mind. There is good music blaring in my ears.
'Tum ho to gaata hai ye dil'
Soon, it will be full moon. It's on 5th. I do go to terrace on full moon despite of any circumstances. This time there's a lunar eclipse as well. Even ast month there was an eclipse. It was quite an enthralling experience. The first and peak hour of eclipse was so so empty. None visible around. Not even air was there. As I was thinking of coming down that a wisp of breeze stopped me. And there, life returned. Moon became full in some time. I interacted with a friend and sang songs the entire night. At 4 I danced on 'O re Kanchi'... It was a fun night. And filled me with immense power. Moon is my energy source. Moon is my love.
I wish to come up with many many songs for the world. Wanna heal with music. Music has immense power. It can make one time travel. It can affect mind at many levels. In Manali it was bad music that made my energy dark. Though my reception was immense as I couldn't rationalize and respected it still because it was music and those people were artists. Yet, for music to be good, the soul of musician has to be pure and notes shoud be honest.
I wish to create such transcendental music to accompany lonely ones, fill souls with love energy and boost spirits. I want to create good music. One day, I will.
More I watch Mahadev, more I get concious of my wantings. They seem wrong. Yet, life is impossible without atleast few desires. Yet detachment is essential.
'Mai koi aisa geet gaun,
Ki aarzu jagaun
agar tum kaho'
Momsha loves this song. She used to sing it for me whenever I used to get sad earlier. Even now, if I will sing it for her, she will get tears in her eyes. She loves me so much.
It feels so fulfilled to be so loved by bhai and momsha these days. I don't know why I was running behind world, was seeking pleasure or peace all over. I don't know what happiness I gained in all those connections, none of which are here with me today. It is onyl my family who has been my earth and sky. Real happiness lies with them. There is no love purer and deeper than that of them. I love them the most in the world.
There are many I care about. There are many I love as well. But not all need or value it. My family values it. Rather loves me much more than I get to express.
12:14
Last night was bit dark. I had a series of dreams. In every dream there was someone trying to steal something from me. A guy named Ravi so smoothly mugged me of Rs. 1200. A foreigner girl I was helping totally insulted me on way, robbed various stores, which I had to compensate and later even tried to rob me. I am unsure if she did steal something or not. Just I had lost my trust for I had seen her robbing others. Oh, in that dream there was a dog I took in my arms and gave him a happy ride. Swinging him in air round and round with love like a child. He was so happy with me.
I don't know how he became a snake in an a bucket. Also there were turtles. Crazy dream.
Sometimes, I get bewildered by my own dreams. But yes, last night was exhausting. No one likes to be robbed. No one likes the trust to be broken. She reminded me so much of a girl I had met in Manali. She had visited I and One during one of our sessions. We had even danced together. Though she had not taken anything. But one night she was so friendly and the next night she was totally indifferent, though she had slept in my room. I could not understand her sudden change. Maybe it was because she was too high and I was still writing my blog. Also, I often try to pin down someone responsible for my dark zone last year. For it had never been my nature to be so so dark and depressed. Plus, there was no reason for me to become so. It had to happen, it happened. I still try to look for the roots, so that I heal myself from it. I also think of it in this way, that the time has passed. I am someone else now. Even the city is different. So are circumstances. This is so so better - my life. I have revived. Yet I look for reasons. I just couldn't understand - what went wrong. That one phase made me so mean. I lost so many people, my entity, my love for Manali. I fell in love with my two dogs and had to get separated from them. They taught me love without attachment. They I was attached. Still am. For I miss them. Yet, I still think of those days because I feel that something is still not over. Otherwise, after one story is over, it becomes a cloud. I churn it, learn from it, cherish the memories worth cherishing, and then move on. It doesn't retain in my system as a complication. That one trip remained unsolved. Hence I go back to it again and again. Also, it is mind's nature to often go back to past. Though, if it is better moments it goes to, we get happy. Sometimes even sad, wishing for those moments to happen again. Key to life though is to be in present. To value present fully and live each moment of it with full on zest.
Oh, Mango Shake had frozen last night. I had it in three installments like ice-cream. It was so so delicious. Also, today, I baked cake. It is a fusion of Vanilla and chocolate. Will do the dressing tomorrow. I had self made brownies this evening. Cake we will all have tomorrow. It was bhai's wish. I get happy just with the fact that he asks me to cook something. I am not too much of a cook. And momsha is awesome at it. And he hardly admires anything I make. So whenever he even eats something I make, I feel proud. And if he demands something, it gives me immense joy. So I gave my best. Hope he likes it tomorrow. He is taking a meditation course these days. I feel proud of him. It is such a noble deed to help so many revive. To give direction to so many towards self exploration. I wished to help people suffering with depression. He is actually doing it.
12:31
A song just reminded me of Kolkata. Do you know they have this breakfast item called 'Luchi'. They take it with chole. It's a great and heavy dish. Ha Ha! Not the right time to think of it though. Am quite full.
Numbers I feel contain loads of energy. Each number is unique and so is its energy. Yet multiples are complimentary. And people who carry odd numbered energies don't gel much with even numbers. Aura too I guess is based on number energies.
'Itti si hansi, itti si khushi,
Itta sa tukda chaand ka
Khwabon ke tinkon se
Chal bnayein ashiaan'
It would have been so smooth to talk to you if I had smoked up. But then, I am also liking these days when am not dependent on it. Though it surely helped me reach beyond my limits and normative. Yet, this normative is special to me. It had been so long living like this.
This is me. Core me. No add ons but love. Family unit. There are no friends influencing me. No art boosting me. I lead an everyday life for the first time ever since I left it. And all willingly. It is quite healing I must say. Though this everyday is different from other days. There is no external influence. None is going anywhere. None is visiting us. Just us living with love.
And I am getting more and more distant from outside world. I don't seek happiness there. Nor it offers it. Happiness lies within. More enlarged out spirit, more we get free. True connections begin with self. Real love has no expectations. More you give, more you get - no matter it is love or material.
Hey! Let's write a poem together. What say? Been some time, I have written anything.
'Neatly folded sheets
Hiding creases of Love
Forever!'
'Touch of moonlight
Luminous in dark
Soothing bright.'
Not much to talk about
Can you listen to my silence
And still be with me?
Can you do the talk
Or just silently be?
I suddenly remembered my time in Arambol last year. It was one of the most creative times of my life. I had filled so many pages with my poetry. Every I came across, I read my words to them. Two books came out of those two months. One was in Urdu 'Chand Aie Mohabbat' and other 'A Lover's voyage'. Both of them talked about a lover's journey and love. I had so so much of love within that I couldn't hold it but somehow vent out in words. Words were my only recluse. Words have been my greatest clay. I also dance, paint, sing. But writing - writing is the most natural and pious act for me. It is in writing that I express the most.ni don't know how I lost these words in Manali. A guy told me to stop using my brain and I practiced it which made me lose words. Though I understand spiritually that words are mere medium and sound's origin is silence. And most of the words are useless yet I have huge respect for language. It has been my field of study. It has been so natural to me. Words - they carry wisdom. Words - they help in communication and interaction. Words - they give meaning to expressions. Words - they travel time and connect past, present and future. I so believe in my connection to them. One day, I will get my novel published from Penguin publications. It has been my dream. That day will come.
Before that, I got to get grasp upon my words again.
It is in anger that I lose control now upon my words and no more in love. Weird how life changes you. But I will change myself back. I am more powerful than my mind. I will change its functioning with intellect, will, intention and determination.
12:56
Alright my love! Will take your leave now. Good night! Much love!!! Mmmuuuaaah!
'Tere bina besuadi besuadi ratiyaan'
............
July 4th, 2020
My dear 12 AM
Loads of love. Right now I am in a very peaceful state of mind. With a few puffs, am at home, just after watching Mahadev. State of mind is quite calm. What say? Terrace? Room? Where should we go today? What should we do? Mind is so content that am happy wherever. Outside vicinity just doesn't matter. It's so peaceful. These days too are similar. So content. So peaceful. Home, family, good nutrition for soul, mind, heart, body. Am content at all levels.
Shivji too Batuk's Avatar today. Kaali turned back to gauri out of her motherhood. Reminded me so much of Pompom and his impact in my life. I was so angry with the world for all its evil ways. Also my head was so affected. Pompom indeed cured me. Brought out the motherly side in me. Though I always saw him as my Ganesha. But what he did for me was the same. He brought out the mother in me. Made me experience the highest form of love - of that of a mother.
Give me some time. Let me get sorted with few basics and then let's continue our meet.
What say - coffee? But I am too full. Let's keep water beside.
How would you like to listen to some music? Let me play something.
Have played Susheela Rahman's 'Half Shiva, Half Shakti'. It's an amazing track. 'Ardhanarishwaram'... Beautiful and powerful lyrics with an even amazing voice.
Last entire night I watched a series called 'Dark'. My friend Mehak had recommended it. It was quite violent yet had scientific concepts like time travel where space and time connected at one spot and people could travel in loops of 33 years. It was disturbing for mind for there were loads of violence but removing it, the concept of time travelling was fascinating. Humans have long wishing to do it. Yet, one thing remains common in all these projections. None changes time. None changes the course of events for even a single action differently done has large repurcusions on all before and after aspects. We are the product of our experiences. Remove a single experience from past and it affects both present and future. Somehow, all these imaginations ensure not playing with time. Isn't it fascinating how humans have long wondered about time yet haven't been able to fully understand it. Shiva also is called Kaal. He is indeed an embodiment of time. The one to whom all pray - even creation and life itself.
I am feeling like going on terrace tonight to check out the moon but it is quite hot and I am waiting for a rainy night.
Though just this morning I was thinking of this crazy power we all have to conquer our own minds. For a long period of my life, I had conquered hunger, sleep, connections, needs. I had full control on all my needs. Could keep eating, sleeping on nor be without any for as long as I wanted. Even my travels became possible because of my will and moving beyond all these needs. Our minds have immense power. Temprature or conditions are smaller than our power over them. So this heat shouldn't affect me. Though am more of a winter person. Just can't handle heat. It makes me angry absorbs my energy. It makes me frustrated. Yet with my power of mind I can conquer it. That is where I have to reach. Beyond these needs. To be fine and undisturbed with any external factors. To be 'sam' wherever and however.
Oh, we had the cake I baked yesterday. It is not spongy but quite tasty. I loved it. Bhai had it. Mom too. Though she always tells to learn the right way of doing it if I am doing it. It just doesn't get as fluffy without eggs and in microwave. Maybe am missing something. Cooking too is an art. I am not very good at it. I cook with experimentation and always find it tasty what I make. All are used to regular tastes and want just that. Though to master an art, you must first learn to do basics the regular way. Only then that you can bring your own variations. I still pester on doing everything my way. A sensible person learns from others, from history. And then constructs the present. And hence the legacy continues till future. Hope one day I will learn all the arts I want to learn.
12:26
Woah! Time is running today. Didn't even realise, it's almost half an hour gone. There's a book I have picked up this time. It's called 'The Godless'. I found it interesting initially for topography was given different Gods. Say mountains have spine of God below them. And in the story, people got secret powers of those God's years later. Now that am trying to read it, it is too violent. Prior to this book I was reading profoundly. Each day one new book. But this one is just not gripping. I don't like to imagine wars. Doesn't fascinate me. Though we all undergo inner battles everyday.
I slept the entire evening again today. But I had not slept last night and entire morning till afternoon, was doing house chores. So sleep was long required. Though I had decided to just not sleep. I wanted to check if I still have my youth's energy left to skip sleep all together. Turned out, it has changed. For many years, my average sleep was of 2 hours everyday and only on weekends that I used to sleep for longer. Maybe smoking affected my energy level. Or maybe life did it. For even in Bangalore I used to live both night and day for there was always so much to do. Life was quite happening. Its not that I don't do work as much. But yeah, I don't stay interested all the time. Often I just turn to sleep and seek recluse in that. Not to pass time. I feel the need for it.
I still haven't sung that song well. Don't even tempt it anymore. Though I sing it now and then. There's some issue with audio jack in my phone. On headphones I hear the music at right pace and can sing along well. But the voice doesn't get recorded as well. On earphones, the recording is great but music and recording don't match. The sound keeps wavering and alongside my voice also changes. Got to figure out a way.
12:35
Good music in background. I am still sleepy. I am sure, moment I will get done with our meet, all my sleep will just vanish. Always happens. I have a tendency to do everything but am supposed to do. Mind is so 'chanchal'. Always runs behind something else.
I heard an old favorite this evening 'Shaam bhi koi, jaise hai nadi'... Very positive song. Always fills me with good energy.
Right now it's a new song for in a western female voice. The song is called 'Better than gold'. Good vibes. My kinds.
12:38
I am just not feeling this passing time. It is going on so fast. Am in a yellow tee and henna colored harem. Clothes are comfortable and so is my posture. Lazing upon couch under AC with a bright white light turned on. Though it could have been turned off as well. But am lazy to do it right now. And like I said, it is all just fine somehow today. Wherever, however. I am good. That's it.
12:40
It's been so long I have been to a cafe or a club. Missing that vintage feel, that music, beers or rum, dance, companionship. Chill basically. Haven't chilled that way in a long time. Haven't gone out to meet any friends in a long while. But then, we are all safe and fine and that's what matters. Anyhow I hardly have friends here in Delhi. I don't know why am so selective or choosy or judgemental there. There has been a flood of people in my life. On and off. Like millions of waves.
Reminds me of a poem by 'Tennyson', called 'The Brook'.
'For men may come and men may go, but I go on forever'..
Also am thinking of Auroville and Pondicherry. The sea, the moon, Aah the heat, oh the nights. Seems another lifetime.
12:47
Wanna sleep together tonight? Do come when I pass out. Chase out my bad dreams. Embrace me slightly. Fondle my hair gently. Kiss me mildly.
12:48
The pigeon kids have grown up. They hop all over now. Earlier they were contained till pots. Not they walk around the entire portico. Though they shit sometimes, yet it feels good to find the portico so alive. I sowed baajra all over the plants today. I had brought it to feed birds. Realised they don't like it. For Magpies come just for water and pigeons prefer raw rice. I still spread it around. If they feel hungry they are free to have it. If not, baajra will soon grow into tiny grassy plants. And we will have light green grass all around in every pot. Also these grass blades make soil really fertile. Last time I had planted wheat like that. Wheat grass is healthy both for humans and soil. If you pluck it and drink it, it is called green blood for humas. If you leave it in soil, the soil gets porous because of dried leaves and turned full fertile. And in between it is so asthetic. Assuming baajra will have a similar journey. Am focussing more on growing loads of money- plants. One lantil in each pot kepts outside containing other plants. With an add on of moneyplant, they will not only get company but it will hang from all those pots and will look so beautiful overall. Money plant is such a nice plant. So easy to grow. Can even survive in just water. And looks so beautiful. Even as per vaastu it is considered auspicious. Though it doesn't have its own stem. But imagine a stem which has way less leaves. A moneyplant spiralled around it fills even that plant with life.
12:55
Woah! So soon.
Time surely simply raced today.
And am out of ideas just by looking at the time.
Alright my love. Will take your leave now. Aah! Leaving two musicians' names for you. 'Leo Rojas' and 'Estas tonne'. Been a very long time I have heard them. But they were my favorites once. Will listen to them next.
Loads of love!
Mmmmmuuuah
............
July 5th, 2020
Hey my love. My 12 AM.
It is full moon tonight. And oh so pretty. Though it is tomorrow with eclipse. But it begins tonight. And I don't want to have it along with eclipse. Hence, here I am. In this mildly breezy full moon night, right upon my favorite place in Delhi - on my terrace. Sky looks so pretty with the Golden Moon and Venus towards its left and one more star further leftwards of Venus.
It's been few days I have come till terrace and I have just reached. Still need to look around and digest it. It is special - this moment. We are together.
It's the first time you are sharing this place with me - it means a lot to me. Look even the wind has aroused to welcome. Sometimes I feel a strange connect between wind and me. It is not strong as that with water. Yet it is something. Look, the line of trees towards our right - once upon a time, I used to imagine my ex as one tree and the one beside as my reflection and all others as my other friends. I used to compare their growth, look at them as couples and what not. Silly younger self of mine. Now they just seem old friends - the trees I mean . And I feel proud to see them all growing. They too dance alongside during rains and windy sessions.
I am sitting upon a white marbled bench made of bricks upon the terrace. It feels special - this spot. It is not my usual spot though - that one is one another terrace. For years I used to hang out just there. One needs to climb across two sets of terraces (each consisting four houses) to reach there. That terrace is towards one corner of my society. Right below is society park. Another side is main road with a huge park and Japanese Park across. Peacocks and peahens are easily seen there. Best part about that spot is that you can see everybody bit none can see you. I love such spots. But due to corona, I avoid touching any other place. So am not jumping terraces. Anyway, had tremendously decreased visiting that spot much before coron for their was some construction work going on there for a long time. This is my new spot. Also an old one. After all it is my own terrace. Much before I explored any other place, I hanged out at my own.
Same like, much before any foreign travel, I focussed on exploring my own country. I know, I will travel around the world one day. It is in my destiny. Or else, I will make it so. For now, am quite content with my present. I don't seek changes right now. But ofcourse personal growth is always required. Wisdom and knowledge is always seeked. Healing is what am working on. Also on making my relations better and more meaningful - may it be with others or with my own self.
12:12
Wow! It's the first time we are meeting. Like I meeting your double energy. Crazy know. And the moon shimmers it's glow on me. Imagine, I haven't even played music till now... So much grooved am I in the moment. Momsha also said, she will come to watch moon alongside. Part of me is waiting for her. She said, she won't disturb me. She cares so much about me. And I love her so much. Bhai is taking three courses together these days. I did Sudarshan kriya with the third batch after meditating alongside momsha. Today, Guruji said an awesome thing. So mom and I had a long discussion where mom convinced me that my accident wasn't a failure of my faith rather my faith saved my life. Post that, Guruji said right before meditation to omit all past. That it's the end of past and beginning of a new life. And I kind of immediately connected. With gratitude in my heart and will to begin afresh, the meditation itself was so amazing. Kriya post that was an icing on cake.
Mom and I are discovering Mind and its nature these days by reading a book together and discussing it. It is quite informative and transformative - the wisdom there. Mind is different from conciousness or awareness. I and my mind are two different parts. My mind is an object, an instrument given to me by cosmic conciousness to gain experiences. Mind is a material object made up of energies and conditions. Reasoning, feelings, will and sensory perceptions are all part of mind. We experience these things in three states - wakefulness, dream, asleep. As long as we stay entangled in them, we are away from rela purpose of our spiritual self - that is awareness. We have the capacity to witness all that happens to us. What is needed is a critical distance. To see the ups and downs as waves and spectate life either while standing outside as I or totaly in its depth - so as to stay unpurturbed by what happens on surface. Only when we detach ourselves from desires and everyday ups and downs, from mind and it's wantings that we live life in a meaningful way. Soul stays unaffected by good or bad actions or whatever happens at the level of mind. Once we control our mind, we control our lives. Mind has an organic connection with our physical body. What we eat becomes our mind. What we drink becomes our prana. The nectre of 'Tej' becomes fire. And so on. Everything we consume becomes human. Mind as an organ has its own metabolism, diet, disease and reasons of failure. It is very important to understand out mind and it's nature so as to drive our life in the direction we want it to go. Otherwise accidents are natural and we don't even realise the reason was our not knowing how to drive our mind, instead we blame external forces. Our social connections also are hugely dependent upon how we drive our mind. So is our life. More am learning about it, more it fascinates me - mind and it's significance in leading a meaningful life.
12:26
Alright my love. Let me play some music and take a walk alongside. Am walking now, feeling the breeze, looking at the moon. There are still few individuals spread on various terraces. It is quite early to have solitariness here. Song blaring in my ears is 'Jiya re Jiya' in Moon's voice. What a coincidence. Full moon and Moon's voice. Maybe I should stop calling him Moon. He is no more in my life. Also he never understood what it meant to me when I called him this. But then, his name means the same. And that I can't change. Also, love is never dependent on reciprocation. It is just there. Now there are no expectations as well. His voice doesn't cause any turbulence in my soul. I cherish his songs as happy days of my life. I cherish the purity of his voice for my soul's allivation.
Aah! It is so hot. I wish I was in lesser clothes. Last time I had worn a middie and it became quite uncomfortable to dance for I was wearing nothing beneath and the straps were just falling down of my dress again and again. Today am in a red tee. This covers me comfortably. It is Silver's. Even he is no more there in my life. I wore this one with love for a long time. Now even that connection has faded. Specially after he became so unnecessarily rude the last time without any reason. Also, he is about to become a father. Any thought of him makes no sense. I should have dressed for full moon. But anyway I would have to take a bath after going down to disinfect me from any possibilities. So I didn't take a bath or got dressed in any special white clothes. Just came as it is, so eager was I to meet you and meet my full moon. Hopefully it will get cooler. Last full moon, I had experienced magic. It is already quite breezy tonight. Nature always fulfills me soul. It never disappoints me. There is an immense connection between nature and I.
See, already the breeze is enchanting. In love with it.
12:36
Dear love with a golden moon..
Don't you feel good? It is so natural and beautiful out here. A bit hot but so cheerful. Hey, I just felt a very mild raindrop. I always come to know about rain much before it actually happens. I was just thinking of rain. A very mild one will be just perfect. To not hide moon. To ensure I still sit outside. And also reduce heat. Maybe it will be so. Wanna see the moon? Let me make a quick video.
Momsha is here on the terrace. She is already smelling flowers. All my nature love - I have got from her. He connection is entirely of another level. She gets into very depth. Serves nature and people with all she has. She plants so many plants. Serves people with so much wisdom, knowledge and energy.
I really respect her, adore her and love her. Wanna take a walk alongside her? Let's do it. You would love her company.
See, she is already introducing me to new plants. Walking with her is always so insightful. She knows about plants so much. About life as well.
Weather is so nice suddenly. It is breezy and beautiful. Moon has hidden behind clouds. It's just nice to be outside tonight. I have to get rid of unnecessary fears and enjoy the night. Celebrate life.
12:54
The leaves are rustling and the trees dancing. Moon is partially visible. It's amazing how one can still see all these trees and their leaves despite of it being night.
12:57
You know I wish to stretch my meet with you. But everytime One comes close, I get scared of its affects.
Though Guruji today clearly told to get rid of the past. It's a new life - right?
How About taking a break? Would you wait for me for a bit? I will soon come back. Just be right here and we will soon connect back my love.
1:29
Yo! Am back. Are you still here my love? My 12! 1 is also here right. Hi One. Today am beginning afresh. Let's omit our dark past. Let's begin a new connection. It's a full moon. I don't want to be afraid of you anymore.
Moon is so dim suddenly. So so lost amidst clouds. Breeze I can still feel, though not as much, but a bit along with waving trees.
1:31
'I got to see her again'.
Anhan! A fresh breeze! Good one.
Woah! Moon totally vanished. Literally. Pitch dark! It was here just now and now it is not.
1:36
Sky is in shades of red and black. No sign of Moon suddenly. It has kind of vanished in thick sky.
'For a while, to love was we could do, we were young and were wild.'
The coconut oil has frozen in my bulletproof coffee for it has got cold. Tonight is the night to grow beyond my fears and live free, with love. Help me dear time. Help me dear 12 and One. I did and still do try my level best to love. Help me get free of fears. Help me give my love as free as I used to give. Or even being more aware of it.
Aah! A hint of moo . A very slight peak. Visible only to the one who knew of its presence there.
Coming on terrace reminds me of few friends I have in society. They all were my friends or acquaintances at various phases of my life. I have grown beyond those connections with time. For they were all petty. The foundation wasn't pure. I wasn't as free and me with them.
1:41
Signs of lightening! Hey 12. How do you feel being in this zone. Quite different from our usual calm. Yet this too is an aspect of life.
I usually love thunders as well. They boost me with a strang kind of energy. It is so ecstatic to see sky filling with so much of electric energy.
I wish I was feeling less hot. Look at this suddenly charged wind and sky. Look at the hint of moon in the sky. Like a blooming flower veiled behind clouded leaves.
1:44
Hoping it rains. I for sure will have a bath then. Despite of it being night.
1:48
It's raining relentlessly in Manali these days. All the apples too have bloomed - all ready to be plucked. Though August is the month when they pluck them all out - my birth month.
1:49
Soon Tu will also accompany us. And I just realised dear 12 that one and Tu are part of you. I need not be afraid. You are larger than them. Tu has been such a fond memory. That too happened here in Delhi itself. It was 2018 I guess. After my accident. Must have been September. What was I doing at that time? I had already trimmed my hair. Was still seeking travel. Was trying to adjust myself to Delhi. Oh and after that I had got Dengue nearby Diwali. I had revived myself from it by making a large wall painting in my room - the one I was describing the other day - which has Gaya, cherry blossom tree, water and a full Moon - right in my room. Moon is indeed a very important aspect of me.
Oh! I learned one more thing today. That our conciousness is like Sun and Mind is like moon. Mind in itself doesn't have its own light. It is rather conciousness which fills mind with energy or light. Real purpose of life therefore is to follow that pure awareness. To find out that inner light rather than following whatever seems shimmering to mind.
1:54
Let's take a walk.
The moon is a bit more visible. Also is visible a cloud in front of it. Like a flying angel looking at me. A good one.
There is none around on any of the terraces. Just I and a full moon night. With lightening, wind, moon playing games, occasional sounds of birds or some unseen insects. Moon is gaining gold as Tu is reaching. We will in a way be complete. All your aspects my love twelve. And me.
I have played 'Laiyan Laiyan' by Jal band. I love this song. Though another reminder or Moon. He sings it so well. I must name him something else. How about MK? Yeah! That's better.
Though Jal has a very unique version of it.
Hey dear Tu! Welcome. 12, One and I are having a get together. Join in. Your entry is happy. I welcome you with open heart. Been so long we have met. The moon has bloomed. The breeze too has gained speed. And the music is great. I am in a happy state of mind. More so with your entry.
This one night I wanted us all to be together. To talk for as long as possible. It is a full moon night. You all know how special it always is to me.
In the background MK is now singing 'Tu hi re'.
I don't feel that pain any more. No more craving. Am quite content with my present. Anyway loving Pompom had helped me escape all other worldly longings.
Now I can just sing this song. And actually dedicate this song to you dear full Moon.
'Tu hi re', tu hi re, tere bina mai kaise jiyun... Aja re... Aja re... Aja dil ki zameen pe tu'.
2:06
'Tose naina laage'
Am dancing now. Come dance along. Let's all dance together and be one with moon and lightening. Let's heal ourselves. Let's heal the world. Let's be one with music. Let's just swirl.
2:11
If only I had a scissor here, I would have trimmed it's sleeves. I do it with most of my tee shirts. I trim off the sleeves and cut off the round neck. I customize my tees as per my comfort. This one though belongs to Silver. Now that the connection is not there, I can make it mine. Won't feel hot in it. It won't suffocate me.
'Tu jo chu le pyaar se
araam se mar jaun
Aja chanda bahon mei
Tujh mei hi mai par jaun'.
Wow! The lightening is creating magic. It's just going on.
Just wow! So spectacular.
'Qismat badaldi dekhi mai
Eh jag badalda wekheya
Mai badalde wekhe apne
Ei rab badalda wekheya'
Ha ha! Once, I had all tears in my eyes - everytime I heard this one.
I still dedicate it to you my dear Shiva. Though today all my anger has subsided. All my fears too Krishna. My faith was not meaningless. I am sorry for misunderstanding. You were instead saving me from what all could have happened me. Thank you for keeping me safe. Thank you for helping me come out of all the dark times and reach safely home - everytime.
Thank you for keeping me alive and helping me revive each time I fell down. Thank you for these blissful days. Thank you for so many gifts you have showered me with. Thank you for giving me the ability to still love despite of my nature of expecting and a pattern of having love unreciprocated. I know, there is a partner for me in my destiny who is right for me. He will come when both of us will be ready. The one with whom I will have perfect compatibility. Will dance along, will talk for long, will share silence and words, will travel along, will live a meaningful live, will learn to adjust and be kind. The one without whom it will he just impossible to live. The one who would also respect me and love me the way I am and I will also admire, respect and love him as he would be.
Thank you for making me realise my shortcomings and giving me the strength to work on them.
'Cards on the table
We are both showing hearts
Risking it all though it's hard
Coz all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you'
2:26
What say? Some poetry? Wanna jam? Been so long have written something here on terrace. And today is so magical.
Woah! My favorite song. Thank you cosmos. This song is so so special to me. I have sung it numerous times from my soul - all over the country.
'Shiv kailashon ke waasi'
Each word resounds with my soul.
'Daulidhaadon ke raaja
Shankar sankat harna'
I heard it the first time in Manali. Was already murmuring it in Rishikesh. Sang it loudly in Patna the first time. Followed by singing it in Banaras across River Ganga by a fire. Sang it in Goa on a stage sometime. Oh! I have sung it everywhere. All over. Even right before my accident on bike was I singing it. That is why I was angry with you dear Shiva. Why did it happen to me despite of my devotion. Maybe it would have been way worst due to my own karma. You saved me. Thank you.
'Shankar sankat harna'
I surrender all my fears tonight.
In this lightening I claim my love and light. I surrender myself to you dear cosmos, to you time, to you my love lord Shiva, to you my life, to you dear nature.
'Ek tha dera tera, chambe re chaugaana
Dooja laayi ditta bharmora
Shankar sankat harna'
2:33
Woah! The song just took me to so many places. It is indeed way special to me.
Now Mk is singing 'banao banao'. Ha ha! It seems so meaningless without a joint in my hand. Crazy! It's been three months I guess. Or four. Don't really remember. I don't really like this song anyway. it is like talking about sex rather than getting passionate or experiencing romance.
Yet here I am dancing alongside. This one contains happy times.
'Tera tujhko saunp de
Kya laagat hai mor
Mera mujhmein kuch naa hi
Jo howat so to ho
Tere bin mera man
Jaise van mei hiran
Jaise pagli pawan
Laagi tum se mann ki lagan
Lagan laagi tum se man ki lagan'
Lol! I can keep on writing lyrics. Tonight though, I wish to be original. These songs though speak of my soul as well.
They just come at right time with right mood. This one got recorded in Manali with my 3AM sessions. Some of the happiest days of my life. So full of love. All those people were soul connections including my pup Chill. Maybe with her, my connection also died. Or I don't know. For how is it possible that I recognised my connection to their souls so immensely and they failed to even recognise it leave apart respecting it. How did they measure it in worldly measures?
Let's write something new then.
#Love, love is what I need.
For my own self
For the world.
# It's only when we accept all aspects of self
That we see the world in real.
To know self, one needs awareness and acceptance.
To know the world, one needs belongingness
What say? Do you like them?
In the background -
'The scars of my love remind me of us
They keep me thinking
That we almost had it all
Rolling in the deep!'
Oho! Another good song. It is from Disney's movie 'Alladin'. The song is 'A whole new World'. It is so romantic. Sometimes I feel so teenage like. Something within doesn't change know, no matter how much we grow.
'Let me share this whole new world with you'
The moon has totally vanished. I am waiting for rain. The breeze too has suddenly got colder. It feels amazing.
Woah! Rain!
2:49
It's a breezy faint drizzle. Exactly what I wished for. Thank you cosmos. I so so love you.
Mk is singing in background
'Ranjishein hi sahi'
Songs have an amazing power to capture moments and make those vibes travel through time.
2:53
Aah! It's raining full on.
'Jiya jale jana jale
Raat bhar dhuaan jale'
Am going to dance in Rain.
I am so in love with this moment. Thank you dear all for being a part of it.
It is ecstatic.
Have played Maula.
3:40
Woah!!!! So so so epic moments. Such crazy rain. Meri rooh tript ho gyi. I danced, splashed below intense rain and thunder. Offfff!!!! It was awesome!!!! So much of gratitude. So much to be thankful. Dear 3, welcome. I did welcome you in my heart while dancing in rain. Sang so many songs. I danced so much. Thanked my love Jal for making love to me. This rain will surely heal. It is so magical. I have by now taken another bath at home as well. All shampooed am smelling so nice. In my favorite midi in white with black red, yellow and white rounds printed upon it. Bhai is sitting nearby reading an e book. It is still raining. Oh the moments I had on terrace are beyond description. They were so enchanting. So enthralling. Best part, I wanted to be on terrace on a rainy night. It was so hot initially. Yet it rained. So much so that bhai actually forbade me to go again when I came back the second time. The sky is all thunderstruck. Sky itself is blessing the earth. Jal made love to me for I had no strength just this morning. It came to me. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you ! So much to be thankful for. So much of bliss. So much of love. So much of healing. So much of magic.
One beautiful night. Crazy. Insane. Therapeutic. Blissful. Magical. Full of gratitude. Full of love.
3:46
I still need to sanitize few things kept outside. Oh, I brought a tiny stem of moneyplant as a reminder of all this healing. Will make it grow in my room and continue the magic.
I must take turmaric mixed brewing water. I had almost an hour long bath. Few of the wind strokes could have been frightening. But today is the day of conquering fears. Tonight is the night of healing, magic and love. It has been so beautiful my dear all. Hey twelve! Your digits add up to three. We are all connected. We are all bounded.
It has been so grounded - the trip - yet a flight. Another dimension right in this one.
Magic lies with in us, all around us. Choice is ours. Faith is ours. Observation is ours. Gratitude is ours. I love you all.
So much of love. I am just overwhelmed right now to be stable. So excited. So happy. So much bubbling with energy. As if my powerful self is back. Thank you. Thank you for all these moments. For the showers of blessings. Om Namah Shivaaya. Jai Jagdambe. Thank you time. Thank you momsha. Thank you Jal. Thank you wind. Thank you nature. Thank you cosmos. Thank you love.
I will take your leave for now. Will fix up a hot haldi drink for me and be in this bliss. Love you all. Love you twelve. Will meet you tomorrow. Mmmmmmmmmmmuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
What an orgasmic night!
Muah muah muah muah
Can't really express my love enough.
Had you been a person I would have made crazy love to you full of passion and soul.
Had you been aj emotion, I would have totally drowned in you.
Had you been sea, I would have reached your depth
Had you been sky
I would have touched your topmost height.
Had you been an expression
I would have carried you in my every pore
Had you been a character
I would have totally been one with you.
However whatever you are
Just know how much in this moment
I do love you.
Off I go!
See you tomorrow.
Love you!
.........
July 6th, 2020
Hey my love, my dear 12 AM. Welcome to an auspicious day - it is Guru Purnima. The entire day I was thinking of so many teachers I had had in my life. Momsha is just telling me about Adi Shankaracharya that he decided to impart his learnings to others on this day. Guruji this evening after Guru pooja also told about a ritual of sadhaka where they compare each year the amount of growth in their spiritual journey on this day. I don't know about myself. Each year I change so so much in so many ways that a linear comparison becomes almost impossible. Yet I do know that as compared to last year, am much more happier and healed. Am no more seeking happiness outside. No more running behind people for company or acceptance. It was just last year's fall but oh! What a dark and intense experience. Comparatively am at a much better phase. Am learning. My mind is more aware. Am healthier. Investing more of my energy in doing right rather than sailing with any wave. Faith has restored in my system. And am conquering my fears each day. Just last night I was talking about it know. Imagine, just today, a guy I never wanted in my house suddenly entered for some neighbour's work. I couldn't say No. I had not even got my AC repaired to avoid his entry in my house. There he was, walking all over, touching walls here and there. Yet, I had to conquer my fear. So I was chill. I did sanitize the entire house after his visit. But hey! Cosmos does test us. We need to have our faith intact despite of any situation.
I have been a bit disturbed the entire day. Don't know the reason. Just not feeling like myself. Wasn't feeling like reading. Just wasted my time today. Also got angry on a Manali connection for some reason.
Hey! This reminded me of a kid in Manali. His name was Anmol. A very close friend of mine. He was just 4 years' old and an epitome of innocence, intelligence and speed. I loved his company. In my darkest days he kept me company. We used to do art together. He always had something to say, do, jump around, tease... Always full of energy. Just two days back when I was undergoing all those dreams of robbing and all, I suddenly saw him in my dream in a familiar portico. After I got all angry and upset with the world, I somehow reached that portico where he was looking outside. He said, 'Tu hai?' I said, 'Haan! Bahaut akela feel ho raha hai'. He hugged me. And I woke up. I had not seen his face in my dream. Yet later on thinking of it, I guessed it to be him. There was a kid for sure. And the voice was so similar to him.
Though I also know that we don't really have voices in our dreams. Yet I heard him and I remembered his voice and words. I do feel we hear and even talk in dream. No matter what science says.
Papa just called. His lane has got few corona patients. I got a bit concerned for him. Then I reminded myself, what is the point of faith in cosmos when I will worry myself with possibilities. No. Faith means, complete surrender. He will be fine. I know. I have faith in cosmos and Shiva.
12:15
Let me play some music yo!
The entire day I went back to our conversations again and again. I thought of so many places I could have discussed with you. The places I wished to talk about yet never got a chance to describe while dating other times. Yet, just yesterday Guruji asked to erase all past and begin afresh. So what's the point of drooling over past when we can have out original meet and imagined spots.
But first, some music.
I have played 'Lalita Gauri' by 'Amjad Ali khan'. Though ideally it should be evening's music I guess. For Lalita is sunset. Maybe I should change it. Even though this is also a kind of transformation. Anhan! 'Union of Earth and Ocean'. This is more like me. It has just sea waves. And now flute has entered in. I guess it is perfect for now.
What say? Wanna come along with me to a new place my love?
Let's go to an isolated beach. With sea waves splashing a white sandy earth again and again. And a million stars in sky. It is indeed full moon tonight. Song with an invisible eclipse.
12:21
Let's look at the gold of moon spreading amidst dark sea waves spreading its gold and silver upon dancing sea surface till far. Let's enter the warmth of waves in a slightly coldish night all bare with our souls and spirits. Let's purify ourselves in salty surfy waves and shimmering ethereal moonlight.
Look, there is none around. Just you my love and I.
12:23
Isn't it beautiful to listen to the sound of the sea? Sometimes it scares me. Often times it thrills me. Jal - my love. It can never harm me. Let's run for long upon the beach and then jump and float along with the waves. One wave... The next one. Water till necks. The water is not as turbulent here. It is quite at peace - magically. Moon's effect is so visible towards shore. Also nearby those distant cliffs on which the waves crash and hit. Yet here, where we are dangling free - here it's all peace. As if the gold has spread leisurely. The moon has liquified - abstract and free. One so round in the sky, so much all around and upon us.
My skin glimmers with the gold of it. My hair all soaked, floating, one with it. My soul at peace here - ablaze in full moon in the world of my imagination.
12:27
You know, even in real, I had had a bath five minutes before you had arrived. Now below an AC, I feel quite chilled.
So my love? Do you wanna continue our meet at the beach? Wanna touch my pores, my skin, my soul? Wanna be one this moony night with me? Let's lay upon the sand and listen to the shells. Let's sing some song and jam. Let's embrace the wet bodies, the emotions on high tide running free. Let's be one tonight - with passion, love, real and free.
12:31
I can go to terrace still. But my night was quite enticing last night. It was much beyond what I had hoped, asked or expected. I got so so content that going back on terrace again tonight will be my greed. I had enough. Tonight that's why has to be inside. Also, after each full moon, Moon itself comes to meet me right into my room post One or so. The time keeps getting late as Moon changes its shape. My room's direction offers its declining phase to me. I feel happy just to meet it. I feel blessed that Moon comes to meet me through my window right into my room. I so so love Moon.
12:34
Interesting. A series.
Let us check though if it is visible from any of the windows. Come.
Yo!!! We saw it. We saw it. It was beautiful know. Though, it seemed more full last night. Maybe it is because of eclipse that it seems more diamond like.
I have come to sit in my room now. Been few days we have met here know. Moon was visible from other window. Aah! My room too has so so many paintings, even a radium sticker - all of Moon. None of my paintings are complete without a moon in it. Oh! Do you know I made a painting this night. It has a a girl holding Full Moon. The background is of Kailasha and Mansarovar for I was watching Mahadeva at that time. I wanted to make a dancing girl (remembering last night) with moon and rain but what I finally made was a lady in saree holding moon with Kailasha, clouds and snowflakes also rain. I used water colors in it. It looks fine to me. Though the expressions are bit proud rather than all surreal and of surrender (the way I felt in real).
12:44
My own hair lock scared me just down. It suddenly dropped upon my forehead and I jumped assuming it to be some huge insect or something.
Do you know what a singing bowl is? See, it is kept right here along with me. I played it the first time in Rishikesh. Took some time but once I got the hang of it, I fell in love with it. There was a specific cafe where I just got connected to their singing bowl. It is also called Meditation bowl. That was the first connect. I couldn't get as much of a connection with any other bowl. Yet this one momsha bought in Laddakh for us when I showed her. We all used to play it for long at that time. Now it is not as often. Though few days back I filled it with water and then played it. The impact was insanely beautiful. The water gets patterns in it with the frequency raised by sound. Even empty, one can feel the energy of these sounds totally. Just like while mediating sometimes the energy can be felt in palms or wherever one focuses... Even in this the energy is felt - even a slight touch of it. Wanna listen to it? Let me play something for you.
12:52
Woah! It felt good. Oh! This tee shirt am wearing. It is not my usual color choice - neon yellow. Maybe thats why it's still so new. Have hardly worn it. I bought in Andamaans. Though I trimmed it's neck and sleeves just this morning before wearing it.
12:54
It feels so different to meet on terrace know. Time kind of runs there. Here too, for I hardly felt an hour passing by. Did so many things today.
We celebrated full moon much more and way more powerfully last night.
12:56
Alright my love! Will take your leave for now. Loads of love for you. Good night. Catch you later.
Muuuuaaaahhh
...........
July 7th, 2020
Hey my love! My dear 12. Am 3 minutes late tonight. Had passed out by mistake fifteen minutes back. One reason can be because I had fasted the entire day and that's why, dinner finally made me sleepy. Another, I became so full with mango Shake. Another, I got so tired with doing so much the entire day. It was quite a unique day. And I did so so many things. Rather am still a bit sleepy. And oh! Finally the AC in my room is all repaired. I just know came to my room to meet you here for I had decided our meeting place to be this in the morning itself. I wished to share this joy with you.
Today was quite unique. I stepped out of my society after four months. Had some work in bank. Can you even imagine the joy one gets to wear a simple jeans after as long? So much had I restrained my mind for so long that to go on my own on that road till market was an unbelievable event. Even if I was totally covered in a mask, and double douppatta, and none could see me fully while I could see eveybody through the window for my eyes. Oh! I even bought acrylic colors and colored Gel pens.
12:12
Yo! Hello! Was thinking of missing one 12... Here you are double. Today was Savan ka pehla somvar.. These says are all dedicated to Lord Shiva. Last year I was following a ritual of fasting every Monday for many months. This month, it was all the more intense. Do you know, I used to fast for a minimum of 24 hours at that time. Many a times it used to stretch for even the night post that. Life has changed so much. I stopped fasting in Delhi this year, from February onwards I guess.. I just didn't want to follow it anymore. Yet, moment I got to know about this day, this morning, I just couldn't help but follow fasting. I wanted to do it from inside, that is how I do anything or not. I listen to the inner voice. Don't do anything for the heck of it. It has to be aligned with my soul. The entire day it felt special. Shiva energy..Mahadeva also became more powerful. Oh! And just today, as if the everyone around me is talking of marriages. First I checked my emails this morning where some random south India matrimonial company wanted me to register my profile there - out of nowhere. Then, the stationary shopkeeper (a long known familiar bhaiya), just out of blues asked about my age and began to recommend getting married and why I should haste about it. Later, I laughed about it with mom and a friend. And towards night, in Mahadev, even Ashok Sundari got a shagun it seems from Nahush's family. Shakti herself grew Nahush so as to make it possible for them getting married.
Crazy how sometimes, some days carry so much of a certain kind of energy.
12:22
Oh! This evening momsha and I went to terrace in evening. We discussed about Mind again with coffee and and tea, followed by meditation. One thing, because of fasting, my body had more ether today rather than density today. Another, our conversation was exactly related to the topic, Guruji raised in today's meditation . Though, there were two neighbourhood aunties, walking right around us again and again, with heavy footsteps and illiterate conduct; while we we were meditating...yet my own meditation was so so so powerful and beautiful that I could conquer their stupid gossip!!! Oh! Am so sleepy tonight. Eyes are getting shut on their own.
What say? Wanna take a quick five minutes' power nap? You can simply lock me with love tightly from behind and I will submiss myself into your arms.
Oh my love....so sleepy!
I did pass out for two minutes. Anymore than that and I wouldn't have been able to wake up.
Oh love! How do we stay awake this night? If I will make coffee now, I won't be able to sleep even later. Atleast let me wake up and sit.
My AC is not working again. That idiot electrician bluffed I guess. I just don't like him. There is something off in him. He looks at me in such a weird way that I feel naked. Just today I was trying to forgive him..Aah! Some vibes are just not meant to be altered.
12:39
Ok! Let me share what I learned today about mind. So our mind has two layers - outer layer is brain - what controls senses. Inner layer is heart - what controls feeling. There is no fixed place for mind to be located in our body. Wherever can we perceive or express, wherever do we focus our attention on, whatever we get aware of, at all these places - mind walks beside awareness. For any action that we do, energy originates from our own conciousness, get filtered through heart (feelings/inner mind) and is projected to brain (senses/ outer mind).
It is our conciousness which has the supreme-most power which controls mind. Yet mind too goes everywhere and controls both our body and senses.
Most of the time, we are not even aware of our bodies. Only when we are in pain or passion that we get aware of our bodies. While we are working, even then we are slightly aware. Yet most of the times, we hardly connect with our bodies. We live as if we don't have a body. We live as mind connecting more with senses.
Yet, just because our senses majorly happen through our body, doesn't mean that we can't experience all those senses at the level of mind. We can still see without eyes (like in dreams), we can still listen without using ears (like in memory). For all these senses are but elements. Example, water is connected to taste, fire to vision, earth to smell and so on. We have all five elements within us. We have all these five senses within us as well. Yet, running behind one element or any one sense is superficial. It's the same like having a desire to see as much as possible. There's no end to it. Plus, just like that picture in Mahabharata, where the five horses are symbolic of five senses - all running in different directions; our mind's major control can only be possible with controlling all these senses. Afterall, mind is so subtle that it lives all around us. For it is all outside that most of our perception and interaction. Yet, if we bring our attention inside and focus our mind upon our own conciousness; much more power we can yield.
Mind is nothing but an instrument given to our souls to control body. Body is nothing but how mind experiences life in the form of elements.
Aah! I complicated all this so much while describing here. I mixed few things. In a nut shell, my discussion today was quite intense and meditation post that - oh so powerful. I had this epiphany today that I have been running behind my senses for so long. Yet it has no end. And during meditation some time, my own conciousness got up to catch up with mind and check it's functionalities so far. All those are inner affairs though. Not even sure how much do I remember. Or if it matters enough to be shared at all.
So overall, I had quite a fulfilling day. Loads of ctrl+s moments. Even got captured today, for I was so happy to wear a jeans.
Did decent household and market chores.
For now, I think, I will be better off to sleep. AC is working again. I may wake up later to check out moon and with you (if possible with you).
Good night my love
Off I go
Mmmuaaah
Oh! And this poem. I wrote just this evening. Though it's a dedication for someone. Yet, the content is meaningful. And I did share it with my family and friends. Will share it ofcourse with you.
Apni created zindagi se ek break le kar to dekho.
Jo life actually mili hai
Usey ji kar to dekho.
Ego mei fans kar
Hum khud hi zindagi ko limited bna dete hain.
Ek jagah tik kar iski vishaalta ko feel kar ke to dekho.
Haan duniya badalti rehti hai
Hum kuch karein na karein
Ye badalti rahi hai
Badalti rahegi
Kuch pal tham kar
Hum hain kya
Ye mehsoos kar ke to dekho.
Ankhein band kar bhaagte jaana aasaan hai
Usmei khud ka saamna nahi karna padta.
Khud ko thaka kar roz so jaana asaan hai
Usmei real problem ke barey mei sochna nahi hota.
Zindagi ko mauka de kar to dekho.
Khushiyon par focus kar ke to dekho.
Laakh gum bhale hon zindagi mein
Par kabhi khushiyon ki ginti kar ke to dekho.
Dhundhonge to kai hal milenge samasyaon ke
Apna attitude badal kar to dekho.
Sab mann ka khel hai
Khush bhi aur gam bhi
In sab baton se upar
Khud hain kya ye jaan kar to dekho.
Kuch pal zindagi guzar jaane do
Jo badalta hai wo badal jaane do
Zinda hona kya hai
Saans bharna nahi
Zindagi kya hai
Ye jaan kar to dekho
Kuch pal soch ke pinjre se bahar nikal
Swachand asmaan ki vishaalta
Mehsoos kar ke to dekho.
Hope you like it. It is not a pure language that I have used. Yet, it clearly describes what I had to say to that one guy.
Another thing I forgot to share is that I finally practiced singing that song this morning. Gave it many many many attempts. Let's hope it gets done soon. It will be another feel to make it's video.
Love you!! Goodnight.
........
July 8th, 2020
Hey love. My dear 12. Just one minute late. Have just reached on terrace. One minute passed in a whoosh as I was putting these newspapers to sit. It's such an amazing weather. Windy with drizzle. Yet to consume the bliss. There are so many people all around on different terraces. Wait! Let me put some music, else the neighbourhood uncle's phone conversation or the voices from the terrace beside will also be a part of our conversation.
Alright! Headphone mode on!
'Gori teri ankhein'..
Ha ha! So not true. Would you believe... I passed out last night right after our meet and woke up almost at 12 in afternoon. The day passed in a whoosh. I did all basic chores including gardening. Nothing could give me happiness. My mind was simply lost the entire day. Entire evening I passed watching the second season of 'Hanna'. It's a series I had loved after a long time. Includes a girl who was injected with Wolf's powers in her DNA before birth. She grew up in forest considering her life saviour as her father. Later her curiosity grew. Unaware of her own special powers, as she stepped outside; the government intervened for it was their project to raise up an army of super humans out of unwanted children. Turned out, the woman who was earlier managing this project, gained concious for she had to kill many babies after baby Hannah's escape for the project could have got exposed. On realising one of them was alive and since she herself couldn't have become a mother in her own life, plus, after meeting her, her motherly instincts had aroused, hence, she now became Hannah' ally. Season two has many other girls like Hannah who are kept in an observatory and trained at comparitively more humane level than past season. It's all fiction. It got on me because of Hannah's first fifteen years in forest where she lived so close to nature. When I was a baby, my first TV show was Mougli. I have always fascinated living close to nature, enhancing my instincts, forming a closer bond with animals and plants. Yet, the risk also is bigger there. It is always life and death. Though jungle too has its own rules.. Not like am aware of them. Yet, that's how it is always portraid in all these series.
I hoped to find Moon in sky. But then, I had not come upstairs on full moon. Then I passed out last night without even welcoming it in my room. Here am I on terrace but there is no sign of Moon. Maybe, I will get to see it after some time. Anyway, I am busy conversing with you know.
12:16
I missed double you today. Not everyday is same.
'Baat dil ki nazron ne ki, sach keh raha teri kasam,
Tere bin ab na lenge ik bhi dam
Tujhe kitna chahne lagein hum'.
Oh! Tonight I have come upstair after a bath. Didn't want to feel how I felt that night. Wanted to be fresh. And so am I. Though I would have to take another bath after going back. But I love bathing anyway.
Am in a blue tee which has a way broad neck. Ofcourse trimmed by me. It has something scribbled in Punjabi. I have forgotten what was written on it. There is a shop in CP which sells all these tees with adjectives in Punjabi like 'sohni' or 'sikhni' or 'jatti pind di'.. ha ha... I guess the shop's name is '1952'... Don't remember. I used to shop there in my grad time. I guess, this tee shirt must be from that time. But I haven't worn it much. It was too suffocative with its round neck. Plus too broad from below. After trimming though, it has become quite perfect.
12:21
Ha ha... Someone is listening to 'Taylor swift' in neighborhood. Must be some teenage girl. The wind has suddenly stopped. Aah! Breeze again. It is quite a pleasent weather today here on terrace. I am waiting for this uncle to go down. Then I will be totally free. But then, it is as much as his terrace. He is on the one beside. But I like that spot more.
Where am sitting right now, it was Pompom and my spot. We used to lay together. I stopped sitting here after I left him in Himachal. For this place reminds me of him. And then I miss him. Hey! The uncle just left. How do you manage to create so much magic my love? He simply left. Suddenly. Crazy.
What say? Wanna go sit there? I was sitting on that terrace the other dya with Momsha. Had even meditated there. Today this is the spot. Pompom loved this place because of its black marble. It used to be cold in those nights. Now even the other terrace has marble bench. Had Pompom still been here, he would have loved to sleep even there. Later on, I used to spread some rug or something for him to be warm for the nights had got colder and he was still a pup. Been so many months I have met him. It would be so awesome if Abhishek brings him in August. I had requested him. I even said he would consider it. Yet I don't know. I can only hope. His visit would be so welcome.
12:28
Let's go to the other terrace.
12:30
All sorted. I feel so free here. Am even walking as am talking to you. In the background is Jal tarang I guess. Classical music. Let me see the name. It's 'Rag Madhuvanti' by 'Shiv kumar' and 'Zakir Hussain'.
Such soulful music. Am not sure of the instrument. But it is ver soothing. Can be Sitar as well. I don't know.
There's a peacock that has the same resting spot. He always sits there on the same tree at the same place every night. I always notice him whenever I come upstairs.
There are still people all around. But not immediately close. The opposite terrace is full of life right now. Don't know who is who. But they are clicking pictures.
It's nice the feel tonight. Though I feel a bit gastric. I didn't even take dinner for the same reason. But I had double the lunch. For I don't know what got to my head this evening and while making coffee I suddenly began to make Pasta. It was supposed to be a quick thing and very less. Then I decided to add on veggies. And karte karte, it became quite a lot. It wasn't my usual recipe yet very tasty. My college group loved Pasta out of my hands. It was my speciality. Every time I used to make it, it was mandatory to make several dabbas full of them. One for Mohit (my childhood friend) (we don't talk anymore after many years of friendship), One big one for my grad core group.. Aah! Pasta has so many fond memories. In Bangalore too I used to make it. But the way I make it generally is a long process. I even make white sauce for it. Also add Maggie in in. And there are always loads and loads of veggies.
Today though it tasted very different. Yet it was a lot and I had it all in one go. Wanna see?
So yeah! Pasta and a coffee made me so full that even meditation wasn't as great and dinner had no scope and even till now I am talking about it. Ha ha!
12:41
The trees all around are dancing. There is Tabla blazing in my ears. There was a recurrent dream I carried for many years during many sessions of sleep. Where I used to be in a different body, dancing on some classical music in a cave beside a river. The dream stayed with me for many years until one day I made a painting thinking of it. After that I never dreamed of it. Still classical music and thinking of dancing on classical music reminds me of that dream for I had experienced it quite vividly so many times in that dream.
12:44
The peacocks are saying something. On the other terrace there are two girls bidding farewell to a boy who is about to jump from their terrace to his own. Maybe they all will leave soon. Then I will be able to smoke. Can't do it so openly still. Why do people judge? Maybe it is my own head and none gives a damn. But people do. Society does. And maybe in my head, I am well aware that it is wrong so I get concious.
Maybe one day I will just leave it - just like that. For now, I feel the need for it. So I do it.
Guess the people just left.
Sometimes it feels like am writing my own reality. Things just magically turn out to be as it is.
Thats why I often ensure to write positively. When I had entered a dark state of mind, even my poetry had stopped coming from my soul. For I didn't want to curse.
12:49
The breeze is so pretty. So so soothing for my soul. Tabla is tapping the very concious. Such a blissful mode.
No sign of moon still.
I feel transcended to some other time suddenly. Aah! A very mild touch of rain. Like it will happen soon. Though there are no drops on floor as yet.
Sky is reddish in color today. It's a bright night as well.
12:51
12:52
Am sitting again. Let's change the track. I heard it for more than half an hour. Have played 'Laiyaan laiyaan' again. Just love it.
I feel in love. As if the lyrics are working even physically upon my head. For a feel a strang chill. A calm spreading across my head, my very soul.
My love! You are so beautiful today. Such a bright red sky. Such a breezy air. Such comfortable day. Thank you for giving me so much. Thank you for so many blessing you have blessed me with.
I still got to work on the video for my song. I have two options. One to use the videos from all over the country and collect them all together with few glimpses of present. Another to make new videos. Also I will ask him (the musician) (S) to contribute with his videos. It will be awesome know to show him creating music rather than mere credit towards end. Let's see how it all turns out. Don't really know.
12:59
Time to light!!
'Tere bin mera mann'
1:04
Hi One! Welcome! It's a clean slate as I understand. No fears. No tears. Dear 12, another side of yours is here. I welcome it as heartily.
And some insect is singing in the air.
In the background..
'ehsaan tera hoga mujh par
Dil chahta hai wo kehne do'
Let me change the music. Otherwise the trio won't be different. Though it's so pure. So full of love. New got to be new know.
Have played 'Bol do na zara'
The night is so beautiful tonight. So breezy.
'Itni mohabbat karo na
Mai doob na jaaun kahin
Wapis kinare par aa na
Mai bhool na jaun kahin
Dekha jab se hai chehra tera
Mai to hafton se soya nahin'
It will rain. I can so feel it.
I have to forget my tummy calls. I so wish to stay here itself for now. Out in open. Under this wide sky. In an open breeze.
What say? Wanna dance? Let's.
1:12
Song got over. Now there's an add in some bad voice. Lol!
Oh! I planted another money plant around a plant that was a bit sick. I am hoping it will give it company and both will soon bloom. I so want that plant to recover. I had already planted two three smaller saplings in that pot. But a grown plant of its age will better understand it's emotions. May they bloom better together.
Let's dance.
'Bolo Har Har Har'
1:17
It's different to dance on a recorded music. And oh so different to dance on alive voice. That's one reason why I loved Manali and Goa. Live music just charges one up with so much energy.
1:19
'fir mai chup Kyun hui
For tu chup Kyun hua'
Not even a soul visible around. It feels so mine - this night. This time. This vibe.
'ik doosre ko sab kehne ki chahat ko kya ho gya
Batein hawa mei udane ki apni himmat ko kya ho gya'
1:22
I wish I was more comfortable with my body tonight though. The entire day it was my mind. Now it is body. Don't know why!!!! All about time!
1:28
'Seene se tum mere akey lag jaao na
Darte ho kyun
Zara paas aao na
dhadkanein meri tum suno
Chal wahan jate hain
Chal wahaan jaate hain
Pyaar karne chalo
Hum wahan jaate hain'
The Song just brought me to my immediate reality. Wind kind of whooshed me from behind. Made me feel so good. Imagination will be great right now. Even though present moments also are ecstatic and so so beautiful.
Where would you wanna go my love 12 and dear One?
Let's be birds and fly tonight. Let's go and touch the clouds. Let's see the lightening below us shining upon the world as rays of hope.
Ha ha! An old track just got played.
'Contra La Pared'
I used to dance upon it earlier without knowing it's meaning. The connection changed when I got to know of its meaning. Now I don't remember it. So can enjoy the music. Anyway it is in different language. Quite boosting.
1:34
Finally I saw moon! Such a surprise.
And it vanished again. A moment's delight. So so pretty amidst clouds. I just stopped dancing to capture it. Now it's a gone. And a song from Manali in background now.
'Creep'
This one though is dark. But I sang it the first time with a group of friends I highly valued. Both PomPom and Blue were there. Also the three friends - Ash, Sun and Baba.
'I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul'
Despite of its lyrics, I find it positive. For so was the vibe when it happened the first time. I will share the video as well with you. I had not not heard it as much prior to it. Had simply opened the lyrics for I wanted to sing it with them.
Moon came again and vanished again. It's playing hide and seek with me tonight.
Let me quickly go down and relieve myself. Will be able to enjoy the night better then.
1:41
This song again is from Manali
'Dont you cry tonight'
One you have your own influence I just realised. All these songs happened along with you.
But they don't have a dark impact on me is what am noticing.
Yet will change it. I don't want that vibe anymore.
Am at home. And have played 'Eagle's sight'. It's by Estas Tonne. This guy is brilliant with his music. Such amazing instrumental music. It feels hotter here with humidity. Soon will go on terrace to welcome Tu.
Today in Mahadeva, Dashanan/Ravan though made a house for Shiva's family with gold on Kailasha but at the last moment he asked the same house in dakshina. His intention was to keep Shiva with him.
'A heart full of love is like a beautiful bird that no cage can contain'.
Turned out, Kailasha can't have walls in it. And Dashanan while constructing the house though had devotion but also ego. So the walls were anyhow inapt.
I love Nandi's simplicity and devotion. Once I used to call Baloo Nandi for I used to see his love as that of Nandi - Pure. He in his foolishness hurt me in ways worst than my enemies. It is said - it is better to have intelligent enemies than foolish friends.' His presence in my life taught me this. I had to suffer because of him.
Yet, I don't have anything bad against him for he did what he did because of his limited mind and for love. If only he had respected our friendship and had not taken me otherwise. If only he had not expected from me more than I could have offered. We could have retained our friendship and the simple joy it offered long back along with its purity. Yet intentions once gone bad, destroy any connection. Last year taught this to me so so much. Though I learned to forgive myself as well for my own I'll conduct. And alongside I learned to forgive others for I reached their state in some way or other. Yet, so many if only stayed with me.
In Delhi I befriended a guy though some app on my return. He lied about his age to me the first day. I could never take that out of my head and that ultimately stayed with me enough to not try to retain that connection. Another reason was because he didn't keep his words or abandoned me on a festival where I was even ready to take him to my nani's house for I trusted him. Anyway, past is past. Point is, I don't know the point. Ha ha! Mind. It just runs.
Why oh One. Why are you doing it? Taking me to the complaint mode? Here's song from the last Manali trip again 'Gravity'. No! Will change it. And will take a tiny break.
1:58
Yo! Am back in terrace. Feeling so so better. The breeze too is so awesome. Also, since all those newspapers, coffe mug, waterbottle and all were pre-kept. And I don't need a mask to come till here. It felt so so bare and free while walking upstairs.
2 Am
Welcome dear Tu.
Hey 12! Your other aspect is also here. And we are all together. Dear Tu. Wanna take a flight. We are going on and off. You would have to take a wya higher flight though. Much above the clouds. Near the moon for it is hiding behind them.
'Mai to aiso rang...
Haseen dekhe... Shameel dekhe...
Bas ek tumsa
Tumhi ko dekha...'
2:02
'desh badesh mei dhoondh rahi hoon
Mai to aisa rang bhayo re'
2:06
'Aisa dekha nahin khoobsurat koi'
Oh! I love this song. Reminds me of MK though. Every time he sang it, I used to feel it to be a dedication. Still makes me feel good.
'chehra ik fool ki tarah sharaab hai
Chehra ik khwaab hai
Ya mahtaab hai...'
2:10
Distant dogs barking.
Reminds me of my college time. I have had a strange connect with dogs from my early childhood. There's a picture of mine when I was a mere baby. And a dog much larger than mine was playing beside. I was so comfortable there. Though in my teenage I got dog phobia - don't know when and how. I used to skip that road if a dog was even sleeping there. Then a neighborhood friend once made me touch a street dog. Also my fear vanished post that day. In college, I initially hardly had friends. One I was a bit different - always. Also, I participated in a reality show because of which people judged me. Everyone knew me, I didn't. Then I got a group of friends. They still are my friends. But the deep kind of bond had got hampered by the end of second year when I had a fight with my bestie Kimmy. We all are still in connection but that intimacy never returned. Yet, ups or downs, with people or without, I had few dogs to always give me company and love. Two were Jimmy and Rocky. I loved them the most. Jimmy even attended all my grad classes with me. My teachers used to have issue with it initially. But Jimmy used to tap on class doors again and again until they used to allow him to enter in. He was so intelligent. He didn't use to disturb me in class. He rather used to pick a corner and sit there near me. And after class he used to leave along with me. Rocky was the notorious one. He was always jealous of Jimmy. They had a common girl - Clara. Later they had even given birth to pups. College students had all named them by the names of liquor. One was whiskey, another rum. Ha ha! And then there was Data singh. He was quite old. Used to chill in corridoor. He had issue with his eyes and skin. They were all very close to me. In third year when I had no friends, and I used to study in college garden, Jimmy just used to come sit beside me. Not for food. Just for Love.
And there was a park right beside college canteen. No humans used to there.nit was specifically for dogs. The canteen staff used to throw food leftovers for dogs there. Only I was allowed there. They used to bark and scare off any other human from there. I though used to sit and study there comfortably. They all loved me so much. I even tried to go meet them after grad during my masters or even after that. But the visits decreased more and more. And when I left Delhi for Bangalore in 2015, the connection to dogs also got left. In Bangalore for some span of time, I got quite distant from dogs. I found them dirty and the connection just failed to be there. Is still used to feel bad to find a dog tied at some tourist spot. But all my time was dedicated to work, party or travel. I wish the connection was still there. Would have totally had a dog with me at my place. But I guess it wouldn't have been possible for I used to be out for such long amount of time. Guess cats would have been better. I did have an aquarium though. It was so so special to me. I had kept six tiny fishes there. And had decorated their aquarium with so much love. They gave me company in that room in BTM which still stays so close to my heart. I miss it even now sometimes.
But the connection to dogs returned in each of my trips to mountains. It was so so natural their. Yet my attention wasn't there before my Pan India Trip. Even there, though I found Chill and loved her so much. Yet that level of connect wasn't there the way I felt in Manali last trip. Suddenly I could just understand and connect to all the dogs. It was so so so much. I felt as if there were spirits in those dogs. I could just talk to them all without words.
Now there is no going back. Its a gift nature has blessed me with. Now though, it has enhanced with birds and even plants. Oh yes! I used to talk to trees during my Bangalore days. There was one trip to Yercaud where I experienced the first time. I was sitting with Chocu middle of forest. We were beatboxing. And suddenly, I could just see trees all around and reach their level of frequency. It began much before in Andamaans where all the trees used to look somewhat like humans. I had sketched so many of them. But post Yercaud, I could just reach their frequency once every trip. I could just exchange energy with them. Though, it is only now that I have got this love to even plant and nurture them. It feels way different. Till then, it was just a connection to trees. Now I connect to their beginning, to their saplings.
I have noticed another new change in me. Momsha always talks about working on humans. She teaches kids. Works on teaching people yoga, mediation, values, gardening. The other day I saw Priyanka Chopra's video where she contributes 10% of her income to Unicef for nurturing orfans. I was just thinking, how much effort I put to save Pompom's life and give him a good home. There are so many humans as well - who are alive and need love and care. Maybe one day I will be able to give them my love and care. So much to do. Will I ever be so able to grow over my own needs and contribute to society.
2:31
'Ye sab tumhara karam hai aka
Ki baat abhi tak bani hui hai'.
Dancing for the moon. For you. For you. For you.
I saw two bats flying one above another just now. Moon too is playing hide and seek. Yet it shows me its face and am thankful for it.
2:39
'Maula aie kul'
'Kar dega tu jo ik nazar
Band raaste jayenge khul
Maula aie kul'
Reminded me of a song I had written in Chitkul on my first legit solo trip. Later I came back and practiced it a lot with friend. Will share both the videos. Also the third one which also had percussion with a surprise visit of a Delhi friend.
2:44
Such a blissful state of mind. Breeze, good music, pleasent night.
What say? Wanna jam? Let's write something now that am all calm, composed, comfortable and in a good state of mind.
# Illusions of night
Maybe hopes, maybe aspirations
Reality though is not known
Real becomes the level of awareness
Which depends on conciousness
# breeze of the night
Wherefrom you flow
You carry this chill of mounts
You bring the inner flow.
There's a melody in your steps
There's love in your touch
Do you carry any message of beloved?
Or are you yourself a lover?
# eye lids a bit heavy
Probably tired of being awake
Or seeking to be woke
In dreams..
2:51
'Khaki banda
Karda fire khudai'
You must be thinking am crazy know. With my talks about connecting so much nature. I am a nature lover. I do love humans as well. Yet they always end up disappointing me. Maybe it is because of my expectations or pre set defined notions of various relations. That's why I don't like naming my connections. I love for love's sake. I love with my soul.
And these days am learning that soul never gets tarnished with pains or joys. It stays untouched. Maybe it is just my mind that often gets hurt. Maybe I still need to include humans under nature. I tried a lot. It all begins with self. My first novel had just this - this dissolving into elements. My friends found it dark and silly. I still find it so meaningful. That's another reason I have included that segment as a narrative in my present novel. It's just ongoing. Don't know what stops from finishing it. I have been working on it for years now. I dream of getting it published from Penguine. One day I will. No compromise there. Won't publish it from Kindle or any other publication. Will finish it. Will get it published only from Penguine.
'satrangi re nadaani re
Nautanki re manmaani teri
Aa dil ke raste pe chal
Khaaki bnda'
But then you all know me quite intimately. I be so honest always in my conduct and raw. Another reason why not everyone can handle me. Yet the ones who value it and appreciate even the blunt side, stay in my life.
2:59
An excited. 3 will join us soon.
Are you also excited dear 12? And you One and Tu? It's a sum.
Hello dear 3. Welcome!
'Mast kalandar laal'.
Let me play something else to celebrate this moment.
Have played some Hip Hop now. Let's dance for a bit.
Do you know I was a part of Hip hop dance society in my grad time. There were all those stunts and all. It was quite epic. Then I got bored for it was the same steps on same songs again and again. Also, I was more into contemporary I later realised.
Yet, got the edge of Hip hop at that time. Still enjoy it sometimes. Let's dance.
3:08
Everytime I dance, the moon secretly watches me. Moment I look at it, it quickly hides behind clouds. Sweet!
3:09
'What's Poppin'
3:11
One dance I always fantasized to learn was Ballet. Ever since my childhood I wished to do it. I even have a tattoo of a ballet dancer dancing in nature with three words 'Freedom, Faith and Karma'. I even went for its classes in 1st year. Yet, I couldn't continue the classes for the guy tried to grope me weirdly in one of the classes when there was none in the studio. Ballet is such an uncommon and less followed dance form here in India. I was quite fit for it. My body was atheletic. I had even gone for gymnastics, aerobics, yoga ever since childhood. So I was flexible enough. Aah! An unfulfilled wish. Maybe one day I will do it - even the lighter version of it. Similarly I carry a dream of performing with a band some day on stage. I wanna sing. One day!
More I watch Mahadev though, more all these dreams seem shallow. Woah! Look at the moon. Suddenly so bright. And hidden again.
'I would never sell my soul... Yeah yeah'.
I changed the playlist.
It's an old favorite of mine. A very very close song.
'its been a long day
Without you my friend
And I'll tell you all about it
When I see you again'.
Just unable to dance tonight. Had I smoked up, it would have been so smooth - to be one with the music. Now am more into lyrics and what they remind me of.
This song is strongly connected to Silver and Ashika. Also to places close to my soul. And to my own past versions. I just love this song.
3:22
'Lamberghini'
Ha ha! It's a happy song. I used to sing and enjoy it even in my dark days in Manali. It always made me feel good. Also it is connected to bhai. He loves it as well. Bhai, momsha and I have danced on it so many times. It has such happy vibes.
3:27
I suddenly feel that I am talking about nothing but songs for a long time. And suddenly time to change this specific one. Reminds of someone I don't want to think of.
Have played instrumental flute. Peace, love. And in few minutes, I will be ready to jam. Let's. Dear three. Sorry if you got bored. I should value your presence here know. Yet, I flow with my flow all the time. You know it way better than any over here.
My love twelve. I have kept you here with me for so long tonight. Just wanna be so. On my return I would have to take a bath first then think of something to do. The day was so numb that I am kind of liking it. This being here with all of you. And the music here now is adding on sea waves and love. Moon too is here. Much love!
3:31
I remembered just this evening that next month on 29th, I will be 29. Seems so much of an age already. Sometimes I feel, that's it? Is that all life is? It goes on so fast. I though have lived it so so much with so many experiences. What is left still is to establish my arts. Leave a mark on the world if that matters. Though I also get into existential crises sometimes. Thinking how does it matter. Everyone has to die. I too will die. Why do something distinguishing. But then I think of all the gifts am blessed with. All the arts I know. I feel I have a duty towards them. I feel adity towards life. Towards everything and everyone am blessed with. I have a duty towards them. And I have a duty towards life. I have to do action. And I also have to do contemplation. Karma is both for body and body. Also for the evolution of soul. No matter which path a soul chooses. It is always a growth. When one gets into everyday work, it is also a meditation. When one gets into relations, it is again an evolution along with more kinds of energies. Ultimately we all are one conciousness. It's the same like one body and it's different parts. Hands may feel that their journey is different but they are part of one body directed by a common mind. While hand has to focus on its own action but it doesn't have to forget it's connection to the rest of the body. When one gets into solo exploration of life. It is inside. It simply varies - the kind or level of evolution. Yet each is an important aspect of life. Each is important for the overall evolution of both our individual entities and cosmic self.
3:39
Numbers! Numbers fascinate me . They all carry their unique energies. For existence to happen, one has to happen. Only then something gets life out of nothingness, out of zero. And then the number system originates. We were all one piece of moss at one point of time - they say. It is all a journey of evolution.
3:40
Let's sit silently. Let's just be here in these moments - together with love.
3:48
Tell me... Do you all like it? This meeting me here for so long? Ideally, an hour with 12 should be enough. Yet I drag you all sometimes in our meets. But you are old loves. We have a connection. I don't think you mind it. How else would we reconnect. I do go back to you all some times. Yet it's a one way thing then. This seems more real. Also, it all co-exists - past, present and future.
The other day after watching Dark, I was thinking how would I feel if I get a chance to go back to any of our timelines. To go back to that room in BTM, meet my own younger self - all full of energy, positivity, new ideas and so much of love. To once more feel home there in those walls with so many windows and cook in my own kitchen. To sit on those matteresses with red sheet or relax on that red bean bag.nor meet my fishes or sit on rooftop and watch those eagles along with lessons of Ashtawakra Geeta. Or how would I feel to go back to my Manali days where it was still good during my Pan India trip where I had Chill. To be so filled with warmth, love, friends. To make strangers my friends - take them on hikes. To laugh and giggle with so many close friends. To dance without any care of the world. To look at the mountains night long till sunrise with a beloved pup beside. To love loved one throughout night. To connect with so many energies just through eyes. To be random enough to explore dream like places.
Then I realised these dates with time are just that. Time capsules. Each time I read them, I go to those times all here in these moments. They all turn real in front of my eyes. Though there are so many other times as well where I would love to go. Which are not registered anywhere but in photographs or just mental notes. Yet the soul has been through it all. And soul has no age, no time's bar. And I value you all. It is special - this dating time. This flow with the inner rhyme.
3:58
Seems so heavy. The numbers. Ha ha!
What say? Few puffs?
4:03
Welcome dear 4. It's been so long we have met. Dear all, meet four. He was the second aspect of time that I dated. Those were Diwali days. Winter nights. Terrace had twinkling lights all around. It was 2016. I looked very beautiful in those days somehow. Still had glow from Bangalore in me. Along with joy of being home with family. How are you dear four? We met in Diwali itself. Right here on terrace for so long. I was working on my novel so much during those days. I still haven't finished it. Ha ha! Though it doesn't sound so funny. Now that I want to finish all the unfinished tasks of past. Once upon a time, I never used to leave anything unfinished. May it was a book, a connection, a task or a determination. Prolonging tasks doesn't go well with me. For I hardly get to finish the things I once leave. Yet, now that am focussing on it, I am sure am working towards it.
So, what say? Let's go down?? I can take a bath and then meet you all. Would you wait for me? Or are you tired already? Why don't you get to know 4 meanwhile? And I will keep dropping in till I reach my bed again fresh. Though the weather is so fine right now. I so wish for Corona to get over. It just hampers even basics.
Yet am thankful that I am blessed with so much. Otherwise there is so much of pain outside. A single day of listening news fills me with pain and grief. I therefore avoid it. And be in my own bubble. Yet, as an empath - it affects me. I catch on the pain. I hope the world heals soon. I hope the happiness to return everywhere.
4:12
Let's go down.. I am having headache suddenly.
4:20
Alright yo! Am in the washroom right now. Would you believe. This is where I met 12 the first time. As it is. Will take a bath soon. So ya! Getting bare reminds me of my teenage days. I used to remove my uniform after returning from school and just lie on my bed for atleast half an hour during afternoons. I used to be so relaxing. I don't know why people create such a nuisance over body. It is an outer layer. And very intentions change. Our own history (Indian I mean) has so many statues spread all over with deities and illustrations of bodies without any clothes. Yet they all are so pure. Why do people make such a fuss about it? We all have it. Don't we? It surely is connected to senses. The outer layer of mind where mostly people get struck at. Yet that very obstructions needs to be removed. I once read about Osho's philoshophy where he talked about enhancing sexual energy and then diverting it for spiritual evolution. In his Ashram people stay bare. They do get attracted to each other but they use that energy to flow onwards. Not like I have followed any of his sessions. Nor I have ever been to his ashram. Yet I did learn about a healthy way of channeling the same sexual energy towards spiritual growth. Not like I have anything against passion. I do appreciate, value and embrace it when I feel it from inside for someone. Yet I don't even get struck at it like many.
Imagine how many crimes will reduce if people will stop making a fuss about it and treat it just as a body. It's just skin. True, it appears beautiful. True touch has its own pleasure. So has vision. Yet, that's what we are here to learn. To grow from senses to feeling and ultimately to conciousness.
Animals are so pure. They have no concept of clothes or shame. They all love each other. Nor do plants cover themselves under any garbs. Clothes are for comfort and protection from weather and elements. Though there is no better soap than mud and no purer wash than water. I don't deny the value of clothes. But I don't think they matter so much as to never go without them. Yet, because of the society and the way it changes its energy in front of anything raw, one has to remain protected even from such I'll intentions. I wish people were a bit more evolved. Or maybe, a bit more primitive.
4:32
So many dogs barking outside suddenly. Don't know why. Animals do have way more evolved intution. Humans too had it very evolved long back. But we lost it. Maybe because we got struck in such petty conditions. The day I realised my intuitive abilities and teleopathy, my life changed tremendously. We don't really need all these gadgets to be connected. We don't even need to be physically present to meet someone. It is all possible just with our minds for we all are connected. Physical body is what can be seen. There are so many bodies coexisting in us at the same time which are way more subtle and way more powerful.
In Mahadev, Shiva and Shakti use just that. If one eats, other gets to know. Much more than words, they interact in their minds. Even with dogs I felt the same connect. I didn't really need any language to talk to them. Birds use it leisurely. So do ants and so many other creatures. Whatever happened to humans. Senses somehow overpowered feelings which overtook inner connection.
4:38
Alright! Will take a bath now. You all wait for me all right! Give me some time.
4:44
Still gotta take a bath. Be there.
4:52
Alright yo! Bathing done. Just few basics to take care of.
4:58
Alright yo! All fresh and clean, here I am on my bed. Have even tried to untangle my hair at leisure. So my hair have a natural tendency to become dreads. Even two days of leaving them unattended, they naturally become all dreads. Since I tie a bun, so the middle lock often gets into that fashion.
5!!!! Yo 5 AM. Ssup???? How are you my love???? Been so so so long that we have met. Hey all! Meet 5. The first aspect of my dating time. This one is wya special to me. This connection taught me so much and has some of the most beautiful moments of my life. Do you remember, few days we used to meet with I right after a bath all dripping in water yet on time. I suddenly remembered the fragrance of my body wash (Palmolive I guess. Purple in color.) And there used to be flute's music in room. And I used to make bread dipped in sugar syrup or bread Maalpuye with coffee. So somehow, even now, I have just taken a bath. Let me take few pictures first. Then will fix up a coffee just for old time's sake. This one will be latte. Though I don't know where that red mug of ours is. I have another favorite red mug. But I don't use it. For it is nani's memory. And since she is no more here, I don't want to even accidently break that mug. Will surely find something. Who know I find our mug. Anyway, coffee inside will be similar know. Outer layer is but an outer layer.
What say? Some pictures?
5:17
Ok then! Photo session done! Let me make a coffee for all of us!
5:23
Making my old favorite - strong and sweet latte.
5:28
Have made it in Bangalore's style. By over poring coffee from a height again and again. And I couldn't find our mug so have taken out my favourite mug. All for you. This moment is special.
And the coffee is epic. It's been quite a few days I had a milk coffee. Isn't it so pretty dear all. The blue sky, this sitting in portico. This has become my new spot at home. Since I do gardening, I feel so close to these plants. Also the pigeons - they all just hang out here with me.
The baby pigeons have now learned to fly. They don't just sit in the pots waiting for food. They instead go out and only come back to play. Though they still don't know where to sit. They just sit on any branch of any plant despite of the amount of strength. I kind of feel the joy they must have felt in their first flight till sky.
Oh! And all that bajra that I had sown. It has grown into lush green grass spread all across in all the pots. It's so aesthetic and refreshing to be with them.
5:36
So much to say. So less comes out. Yet it flows on - our connection. Our love. Dear 12. How do you feel meeting 5? Isn't it charming? So refresh. Night becomes morning with it. I be full on at this time. Even the leaves are dancing all around. The sky has gained a new shade - sky blue - the shade of ether. Our throat chakra has the same color's energy.
5:39
I suddenly wish to show you all of my plants personally. They are so close to me these days. And I feel so much of joy just to see them blooming. I am so thankful to Momsha for growing them for so many years. Otherwise I would have never known the joy of touching soil with bare hands and seeing a seed turn alive and watch these greens blooming. Green is the color of our heart chakra. Where Shiva and Shakti unite. Where it's all love. Nurture. Care. Warmth. Life.
5:43
Whatever we have is for others. Say, if I am beautiful than others gain pleasure of seeing me. If someone has a good voice, than the listeners drown in their energy. Why am saying it is because I suddenly noticed the terrace opposite to me. For so many days, I used to feel that the neighbours who live right opposite to our portico are so lucky, for they get to see so much of greenery outside. Ofcourse we are luckier for we have it in our own portico. But imagine looking at so many plants whenever you look outside. Surely gives a good feel know. And in the building opposite to us, none of the porticos have any plants. But I just now noticed their terrace having so many plants. Like capping the building with greenery. And I felt good about it. Hey! I can also enjoy others' greenery. Though it is all nature. Mother earth blesses us with so much of greenery. There is no possesion in me. Just a chain of thoughts that am sharing.
So yeah! Whatever we have surely is for others. Therefore we should have gratitude for our gifts and use them without any ego. Also the ones who don't have them are the ones who give our gifts - value. Imagine you have an art and there is none to understand and appreciate it. It will still be an art, but its value won't be the same. Not like I run behind appreciation. Yet art, wisdom, beauty - all these are senses and involve both creator and receptor.
5:51
The entire night, including this moment - three mosquitoes or insects have bit me here and there. Why nature why? Oh! The sugary coffee! Ha ha! It's also equally bitter, remember that.
I generally read at this spot where am sitting. Weather is so awesome. I am loving it. Though now , am also thinking of my bed. It will be good to lie down for some time. Give my body some rest. Though I can equally do something else as well.
My energy is rejunivated. So is my spirit.
Yet let's go. Let me first make a quick video.
5:55
Did you see the pigeon all posing and all. Ha ha! Am sure the plants also had blushed a bit more while getting captured.
5:57
And am back in my room. Have opened the window. Morning light is entering in. Air is getting fresher. Aah! What will I do now that am bidding farewell. Thank you all for being here with me. I love you all.
My dear 12. Thank you for being my present. See, our meets get so magical. I hope you liked meeting my other timelines. They are all special to me. I will meet you tomorrow.
Loads of love!!!!
Mmmmuaah
.........
July 9th, 2020
Hi 12 AM... How are you my love? Today we are meeting exactly on time. Though I hardly have any energy today. Slept the entire day and can still sleep.
Two magical coincidences happened just this morning. One, right after we got done with our meet, I checked Facebook memories and there I found pictures of my BTM room. You won't believe how overwhelmed was I to find them so suddenly. Tagging them along!
And the next thing was a sudden chat followed by a long call with Ash. He had called to impart his wisdom of music. His insights were amazing and they made me realise two important lessons apart from many other things. One, to always retain the feel of the song. Say, if I wrote a song in a certain perspective ... I even have to sing it in the same feel.
'Maqsad kya hai gaane ka'.
That maqsad has to be retained.
Another, 'Real feelings' with real flow
Just like our meet. Say, I don't plan what I will talking about before our meet. It flows on its own, how it's supposed to be. Similarly whenever one sings, the depth is crucial. You have to get deep in its emotion and then allow yourself to flow free along with the feel.
Another thing I learned was the way I runner runs. Despite the length of the trek, the first step is very important. It had to be kept perfectly. Ofcourse each of the steps. And he never runs full pace. It gets on. The first step has to be right.
Also Ash talked about music to be feather soft yet deep. The way of singing should be comfortable, easy, soft, healing. Yet the lyrics should be very deep , meaningful and heartfelt.
That's what I remember. Also he shared a song called 'Ghar' by a Himachali singer. The song transcended me to their room in Old Manali. Few of my 1 AM sessions happened even there. They were the light in a dark room. When I was at my lowest bottom, those were the people who gace me hope. Not I was way clinging for I felt peace nowhere else but with them. Yet, they beared me despite of their own need for space.
I did remember that I was not always welcome. Also I remember despising the clingingness in my own self. Yet, I also remembered how much they presence mattered to me. And how much just with their presence and soothing music, they helped me heal.
12:10
Let me play something. Or is it alright just like it. Somehow silence feels nice today. Also, am bit lazy right now to get up and get my headphones.
I passed out at 9 AM and woke up at 6 PM. Saw soooooo many dreams.
12:12
Yo! Double you. Today is special
I met you and your square both on time. Let's jam today. What say?
#Timing! It's nothing but
What we make of it.
Auspicious and inauspicious
Are all matter of historical conditions
More you know
More you are struck
In gyres and circles.
More you are flexible
More you create
Your own timelines
All self defined.
#Mind, it has its own rhythm.
It expresses the feelings
Which are colored
In the colors of conciousness.
Each color is a mood,
An emotion, a feel.
Together they create
The play of life.
Together they become
Consciousness alive.
#pitch dark room
Yet I can see
Even externally partially
More so inside
The heartbeat
Internal melody
Mind's functionality
It's a vision
though I can hardly see!
12:18
Let's check out the moon. Am hoping it's now ready to come to me through the window. Though yesterday its location in sky didn't seem apt to be available to be seen so soon from my room. Let's give our luck a try.
12:20
Naah! Nothing yet. I even hanged upon the window to ensure all angles. It's just not visible. Though outside it seems brighter. One reason can be the many lit windows still. Also, there are many stars or they seemed so.
12:21
Chilly sensation, for my foot accidently touched a chilled water bottle. It sent thrilling sensation throughout my body. That's the power of senses.
They can change the entire rhythm of mind's flow.
Today's evening meditation was quite nice. That's where I picked up all these notions of conciousness and it's colors. The meditation had collecting the mind spread around and putting it to the centre of head. And then taking the mind behind head. Then putting it below spine... And finally letting it all free. I could so feel the pull even in energy as if a rope was tying me from behind. Letting it all go was such an ecstatic feeling. Also, when one was supposed to put mind behind, a halo had to be imagined. I suddenly realised how powerful though souls must be, behind whom the halos are shown to be so huge and with great colors. After all these are colors of conciousness. More pure the conciousness, more pure your halo. Also, if one carries mind behind the head all the time, it's like tying your hair all in a bun or a ponytail. The locks won't flow here and they. The mind won't wander everywhere. How powerful to have control over mind.
12:28
My legs feel so soft today. Some water droplets fell down and while wiping them, I felt the legs to be so smooth. Don't get me wrong. I just get over honest sometimes. But then, you are a lover. And this freedom is what I love about us. Though while talking with Ash this morning, I was thinking that I should be selective about what I write here. It has to be wise and not just anything and everything. Yet, I also read another post this evening which talked about random laughter aroused with meaningless conversation. It was a poem on Haikujam and I finished with the line 'makes life worth it'. Also, Ash was right about words and their selective usage when it comes to music. I also believe that even in life, we talk so much without any meaning or imprtance. Yet, some about of frivolousness is very much required. It's a stress buster. Also it's a free feel. Not like am performing. Not like it's a speech. We share a real life bond... And the barren or the idiotic are as much essential phases as the blooming and meaningful. That's what fills life to any relation.
12:33
Do you know there is a therapy as well where they ask you to talk randomly without meaning. Like you have to intentionally use words which are not really words. Create sounds and keep creating them as if you are speaking but it all has to be meaningless. That reduces stress and takes out all unwanted repressed emotions inside. Crazy know. Try it. It is actually difficult.
Though here, it is quite easy....
'ktijfjxiekrivi jdicitjrbxjfjrj jrjzjx ok ejwjjjrjrjrjjej irjjridjriejrjdi I rjkkrjdkrjdidicj tjjixirjdjorkj krjxjdjenrj'
Ha ha
12:36
My legs are paining. Also there's a headache. Mood has not been normal or good somehow.
Oh! This evening chote mama came to meet us downstairs. After that I and momsha took a round of society. I was dazzled to see everyone roaming around, playing, jogging so normally. As if nothing is happening outside. It felt both good and scary at the same time. Though I too live like that - but at home in my own bubble. Not outside. Hope everyone stays safe.
12:39
I watched one more episode of Hanna today. The girls in the observatory are given a fake life with fake relatives. All their conversations happen with the same person assuming different personalities. This made me draw a parallel. Since we all are one conciousness. Also souls have a way of getting born together. And then we are all mirror images of each other. Also each conversation on our life often is very much related to our individual path and level. What if all these relatives and friends that we experience around are nothing but voices in our own head. Or maybe cosmic way to guide us through different faces. Or a masterplanner channelizing us towards a desired direction. Who knows!!
12:44
Wow!!! I wasn't sure about our meet today my love. Hardly had anything to say. Didn't even play any music. Yet three quarters passed in a whoosh!! Crazy know. What all lies at our sub-conscious!!!
12:46
If I won't pass out again, I will probably draw something. Been few days. Also, got to order a canvas roll to begin making new paintings. Papa will be coming back by the end of this month. Am concerned and also excited for his return. May he come back safe and sound. Been so long have met him. This lockdown and the situation outside just changed everything. Home feels complete when he is also there.
Though I have been smoking in his washroom. But I won't mind not doing it there. It's his presence that matters more.
12:49
'Tose naina laage' Piya saanwre
Nahi bas mei ab ye jiya saanwre'
Just a song running in the back of my mind.
In Mahadev, Ashok sundari is about to get married by tomorrow. Bhai kept on teasing me again and again saying, 'Di, you will also get married. I will do this at that time. Ma will do that at that time.' so on... I was just annoyed. Though usually I have good comeback. Funny ones too that immediately stop him from these comments or it all becomes funny. Yet today, I was just not in the mood. And I couldn't take his comments lightly.
Yet I love the fact that in his bad mood, I try to make things lighter for him to cheer him up and so does he in his own way. Though the topic he picked up was so not correct.
12:53
'Dil mei jo baat hai keh do
Do you really like the way I do'
Ha ha! Now this weird bollywood playlist has started in my head. It will keep on changing tracks on its own. In my childhood I used to bd the best in antakshri. Once I got into smoking up, the genre changed. Became more instrumental, trance... Or the focus shifted. And all that crazy power of memory kind of got left behind. I used to remember every song with entire lyrics. Now I don't even remeber lyrics of self written songs.
12:55
Checking the moon again. Still not here. Maybe it will come visit me later. If I will be awake, I would be more than happy to receive it. The song I had written 'Madham si hawa' was a dedication to moon. I had written it while peeping from my window on a full moon night.
My conversation with Ash today reminded me of that. And I felt so silly... Because while I was trying to sing it, I had completely forgotten that. I was more focussed on singing the words as per notes. Or I was dedicating the song to Pompom or nature. How did I forget the essence, the real emotion???
Anyway. Each mistake is a new learning. Won't repeat it. And life is after all an ongoing learning oppertunity. An eternal class.
12:59
Alright my love!!! Won't keep you up for long. A lot and lot of love!!!!
Mmmmmmmuah
Take a passionate long feathery kiss on your neck, your lips.
Mmmmmmmuuuuuuuaah
................
July 10th, 2020
Yo my love, my dear 12 AM.
The music I have just plugged in to reminds me of Bangalore and Silver. The vibes are as cool and so is my spirit - the same mode. If I ever go for a partner, I would love to have such chemistry or better. And I would surely reach that same level of energy or even more.
'May we never ever shed another tear for today'
Oh, last night, I finally saw moon. But quite late. Almost close to three. Wanna see?
Also, I did a sketch but it was not out of imagination. Instead I copied from a mug. Have done the basic. Will improvise it now with my own imagination.
12:03
I tried a new app today. It provided an option to change background. I fiddled with the feature. Here are few glimpses.
Bhai made fun of it. Said, 'bachpan mei 1 rupai waale chart atey they na. Lag raha hai aap wahan paste ho gye ho'.
Ha ha! So yeah! My fun state of mind is back. I finally could be normal at home. Also could tease back, make funny come backs.
Oh! Ashok sundari got married in Mahadev. And meditation also went all right today. Mind had to be focussed in front, then taken within. different body functions had to be observed. Followed by taking mind around and above and then let it go. That's what I remember. Though majorly I was more focussed on a drop of water running in my ear for I had just taken a bath before meditation. Also, I was again and getting disturbed by a bad aftertaste of Tang for I had it first thing after waking up and then brushed and had the same tang again. So my mind got this stupid notion about tang. That I had it right after sleeping so all my dark dreams and taste must be in it. And I had even brushed before sleeping yet sometimes I just think so crazy and act all fussy. Anyway, even a single thought can sometimes change the course of meditation. It wasnt as deep. Yet guruji said to be comfortable despite of any discomfort. So I stayed as it is.
Guruji was live with Anupam Kher post that. He was asking random questions. It is interesting how different people bring out unique sides in others. Like if I meet x person. I can make him to be happy in my vibe. Or I can make him complain and think of all the negatives in his life as well. Ofcourse he can control the course of conversation and overall energy if his vibe is more powerful than mine. Yet if we are in common box, both are colors will add on to the overall shade upon the canvas.
12:14
'We don't have to be lonely'
Now am feeling like going on terrace and dancing. But then, I was thinking about it just yesterday. Maybe this going out brought all these changes to my psyches yesterday or any other recent day. I have been so so introvert last three months. Now this month I have gone till terrace or even outside once. Vibe surely changes with environment.
Oh, last night I heard my sessions with 1 AM finally. Not entirely still.. yet enough to understand that 1 wasn't the bad one. One instead brought the transformation long required in my corroded state of mind. One was the energy which boosted me to bring the right changes in my life. Had I not realised the reality, I would not have made the right changes. Truth is always bitter. Yet it needs to be embraced, respected and honoured. Otherwise, I would have still been struck with fake and dark people I was connected with before than month. I would have still been crying for undeserving people. One brought the change essential for my growth. My perspective changed last night.
12:20
I had loads and loads of mangoes today with a large glass of mango Shake. Just needed it to fix up my stomach. It wasn't in a good shape for last two days. Fruits are a natural medicine for our mody. If there is more acid in body, they be alkaline. They provide all the vital nutrients, also ensure good metabolism and are totally satvik. Though mango seems rajasvi to me. Ha ha! Joking. Just, love it and it seems to be a luxury. For so many years, almost in every summer, I am up on hills. We don't get mangoes there. Plus, I always budget travel and fruits seems luxury then. It is so readily available in cities. Specially at home. It's the maximum mangoes I have eaten in past many years. Though bhai says this year has been his lowest consumption because market essentials are still limited due to Corona. It is only now that we are getting mangoes in that ample because the season will soon be over. Throughout lockdown we were not exploiting the facilities. I personally used to feel bad to even enjoy food for there were so many hungry people out on road. Now that there is no lockdown and atleast people are not on streets, it doesn't feel as bad. Rather I get into gratitude mode.
My trip to Manali taught me a lot. It gave me patience and taught me how to be inside. Otherwise I was so so extrovert. Had completely forgotten this side of mine. Though I cried and wailed, often seeked for company outside... Yet there was hardly anyone by my side... And all that taught me not just to be with my own self once again but also value the real relations in my life - the healthy ones.
12:28
What would you like my love? Should we not continue our flow with flow and instead create something meaningful with well thought purpose and we'll intended efforts? Or do you like it - this being ourselves? This flow! This being us!!!
12:30
Am sitting in drawing room tonight in a blue loose pajama (there's a fancy name to it lile sharara or something) (it's classy too). Will ask momsha and then tell you. I don't remember its name. But it's comfortable and looks pretty cool on me. And there's a blue tee which has 'sohni' written on it. This one isn't trimmed. But the fitting is great so I don't change or mind it.
These days I am feeling as if it's just our meets that happen in my life. For I either sleep or pass away time, or do some basic chores. Yet it is during our meets that am the most alive and aware. Last night I used Google Assistant to read out first our meets so far and then sessions with 1. Just our meet so far took her almost two hours to read I guess. Lol!! In a short span, we have interacted quite a lot and at large. I highly respect and love our sessions. Won't say they are mirage in desert or essence to a thirsty soul. Nor are they dope. Yet they are sensible, full of love, and oh so worth being along with. I love the clarity that we have. We also go up and down, dangle sometimes in past or future yet the main stream stays in present. And I don't seek recluse in any other time or space but share it alongside as a reference or to substantiate my thoughts. That's cool know.
I love it that am so much in present. I love it that my soul doesn't run for place or person any more. No! Instead am content. Totally in my present. Totally here in the moment.
12:39
The baajra plants in my portico have all grown soo so much. I don't want them to overgrow the main plants. Bajra was supposed to be grass to alliterate soil and increase freshness with its light green color. I don't want it to overgrow the main plants. Let's see how it turns out. It will be painful to either cut the grass blades to mix it back in soil.
Just this morning I had another thought. About weeds. So weeds are taken out because they stop the main plants from growing. But why do we throw them away? I feel bad for after all they too are life. And who decides that they are wild and not required. Nothing in the world is without reason. I got an idea. I will have a seperate pot just dedicated to weeds. Any weed plant from any other plant, I will plant them all in one pot. So that they stay alive.
Though that idea brought a parallel to my head with Manali. Maybe people there are all weeds - sometimes comfortable with each other for they are all abandoned, sometimes competing with each other for that's their nature... I don't know. Not like I have just that limited a mindset for people there. For I too am one of them know - who visits and lives there so often. And I have never been like that. Just a way of seeing it still.
12:47
'And I thought you need to know'
Oh! I played a new game today. It's called 'Lily's garden'. The plot is that Lilly goes through a break up, is all messed up. Suddenly one of her aunts dies. Lilly inherits her aunts wealth including a farm house with a large garden. She leaves her city life and shifts to that house. Game is about Lilly redoing that garden. She comes up with various challanges. She has around a month's time to re do the flower beds, the honey combs, plants trees, build fences....etc.. there's a musician singer as her neighbour. I have just reached day two.
It's bit kiddish, still delightful. The games required to ble cleared in order to complete all these tasks are more like cognitive puzzles or games. They boost up mind.
12:52
I hope I didn't bore you with such a random conversation today. Guess I just complied the day. But there's nothing new in my head. No new ideas, no new feelings. The day too hardly brings about any changes. It is all peaceful and 'sam'. Guess that's the most seeked for state. Am neutral today. No rising tides, no lows. Just fine. Perfectly fine. In peace. All calm.
With good music blaring in my ears, relaxing upon a couch in my blue dress, I lie and feel lucky to be here with you my love. It's good to be so balanced right now. Good to be so content. Lot of love my love.
Good night!!!
Sleep tight!
Catch you tomorrow. Love you!!!
Mmmmmmuuuuaaah
'I know I don't wanna live without you'
'Can I call you mine?'
.......
July 11th, 2020
Hey my love, my dear 12.
Such a happy moment. I just wished Bde mama and Bdi maami on their anniversary. They are seriously the most perfect couple in my entire clan - so full of love, care, warmth, nurture. We all just had a video call. Nani's family is closest to our family. They are ours. We just grew in different houses. Yet all four of my cousins, both mama and mami, they all are as close as momsha, bhai and papa. Ofcourse nani too was as close. Still is. Rather just today, not only I had her dream this morning but also while meditating I felt so so close to her, as if she was still here sitting upon the sofa laughing out loud, embracing me. Or I was still a kid, going along with her to all those kirtans where she used to be proud of my dance on those bhajans. I so so got connected to her.
I really loved her. Still do.
And I love my entire family who nurtured me with so much of love. Thank you cosmos for giving me with so much of love, connection, warmth, care, purity, bliss.
It's a content feeling right now. Am in my room. The A.C. is working thankfully. Have just had Milk shake. So much to be thankful for. I was listening to my 1 AM sessions last night to finish where I had left it the night before. I learned many things. Ofcourse, One was a big transformation time from earlier dark time. Also, that it was my own attitude as well that had issues. For though there were many lacks, yet I had so much to be thankful for. It was my own unnecessary craving or desires that resulted in my own pains. Say, I was expecting romantic connection on my birthday. Instead I had even higher form of love - my dogs - Blue and Pompom. I was thinking that Ash and Sun didn't really want my presence. And they had rather celebrated my birthday already on 18th, the day I also got Pompom. Plus, they had infact kept a cake with rum for me. If only, I had gone out instead of suffering for no reason in my own grief. That's what I still question. Why was I in that mode? Why was I simply unable to celebrate what I had just in that phase? How had I got so thankless and so much full of greed?
I wanted people to value me. There were so many valuing me. Yet, I was bent upon that value to be a specific way from specific individuals. What's the point of expecting oil out of a dry well? And why not take a dive where the water is still fresh and welcoming?
Everyone is made of same conciousness. And still we be so choosy and get our ego.
12:12
Woah! Caught ya!!
Ironically though, will still mention my dream of MK today for ever since am unable to take him out of my mind. I don't know what I should do. I do realise, he doesn't care about me. Also, he never respected me. The person I loved was but an image in my own head that I constructed with so much of love that I never checked of its reality. Yet vibes never lie. In his presence I always got uplifted. His one dream itself touches my very soul. Like today, where the entire day I kept on thinking of him again and again. How do I take him out of my mind? I also try to think of it this way that love is love. No matter it gets reciprocated or not. Why do I even think of its reciprocation. I can simply love anyone from my soul. Why expect anything in return. I don't as such. Yet this mind - it just needs sorting. One has to be clear about connections to allow the feeling to run as much as defined. Weird know! Yet essential. Maybe that's why relations came into existence. After all, each of our thought carries energy and vibe. I could just talk to bhabhi (nani) today just with my mind. Likewise intuition works. If we don't know the boundary, we may mix things up. We may get affected by unnecessary energies.
I guess thats what happened in Manali. I was so alone that I was seeking company of my immediate environment. My nature of considering everyone to be own was faulty, for it is not necessary that each is a healthy connection or carries thd right vibe. And when we crave for someone, we in a way leave the doors open for their vibe to enter also allow them to hamper our own peace of mind.
Yet this bond with MK. It is just so pure. So full of love. So much my own. Yet now so distant. It's his birthday on 22nd. Don't know if I should even wish him. Weird how he never calls me. Just never.
12:21
'Raat kali ik khwaab mei aayi'
Aah! Do you know, I oiled my locks this afternoon. Even plaited my hair in two partitions. Ha ha. Wanna see?
My brother called me 'Kashmir ki kali'.
Oh! And I did a little more sketching with colored pens this evening. Check this out! Mom loved it.
12:22
It rained late evening. I was too much into meditation at that time to realise. Later smelled it in air. Love that 'mitti ki khushbu'.
Oh, today after meditation I suddenly wanted to heal myself. And I focussed all my energy on my lower ribs - where I have been having an issue for a long time. Also, I had gathered an important information from 1 AM sessions. It was a weird cough I had picked up from Vatika in Old Manali which I was unable to get rid of for so long. Like even if I had no cold, yet some cough was always there. Today, when I focussed on healing myself, I just coughed and coughed after that and took it all out. It felt as if everything wanted to come out of my system today. Who pukes after a deep meditation. Yet, I literally felt so healed and free post it.
12:26
Guruji focussed today's session on positivity. The finger posture also was different. My body was so so still. Mind so much within. There was a focus on cheeks. Later pineal gland had to be touched with tongue. And I don't remember post that. Yet, there was a lot of looking within. A lot of memories of naani. A heartfelt conversation with her. Silence. Healing. Quite a powerful experience.
12:29
'Teri deewani'
I have thought of a new way of dealing with chores. Now onwards I won't get lazy about them. Instead I will treat them like those games in Lily's garden. So after clearing each game, she gains coins and gets able to sort out one more task in her to do list. That's it. Every chore at home or otherwise - I will welcome it. Random work - welcome. More work - welcome. I will change my attitude towards it. As if I will get some hidden coins out of it. Life coins.
I also feel a strange parallel between work and meditation. Example, even washing utencils feel like a meditation to me. When you do that, nothing else that you think of. You may begin the work with aggression, yet as you do it, the anger melts... As you clean, your spirit also gets cleaned. I guess any work can be a meditation if we do it with love and get totally 'taleen' in it.
12:33
Oh! Ash and Sun are finally out with an original. I feel real proud of my friends when they create something original. They totally deserve it. Though a video would have been epic alongside. Had they asked me, I would have totally created it for them while in Manali. Anyway, even a single step is huge. I am happy for their first milestone.
12:34
This A.C. is kick-ass. Room gets super chilled within minutes.
In the background is an old favorite...
'Wo lamhe, wo batein
Koi na jaane
Ye kaisi ratein
Hoo barsatein
Wo bheegi bheegi yadein'
I remember singing this song at my loudest pitch with my head out of the train's window as we all had gone to Dwarka for a family trip in my teenage. The entire trip it was raining and I had played and sung this song on loop along with another song by Mithoon dedicated to Jal.
That song was 'Har jagah mei tu smaaya hai'.
12:37
In Mahadev, Shakti asked Shiva to play some music for her. Mahadev replied with so much love right after gifting her a flower. He said, 'Jab bhi shiv aur shakti milte hain, sangeet to khud hi utpann ho jaata hai. Aisa kaise ho sakta hai ki mai tumhari ye ichcha poori na karun'. I loved that scene. Then he played for her. Also it made me think, how much music is about love. For all emotions may it be happiness, sadness, bravery, even anger - are all but different forms and expressions of love.
12:41
'Khamoshiyaan gungunane lagin
Tanhaiyan muskurane lagin'
Momsha these days are talking to her students on phone for they are taking online classes and one of her tasks is to be in contact with her students and see that they are studying.
She told me about the adversities they are facing. This corona has affected so many in way worse than seen. Like parents of few of them have lost their jobs, so students have to earn to keep their family alive. Then, few households don't have running water. Few of those kids don't have internet at home. There are so many problems in the world. People struggle so much. And when I think of all that, I feel so lucky to be here in my present. I have had those days while travelling or when I had left home so many times. Though it was a decision. Yet the suffering was there. Still, I be so stupid to forget those pains and get selfish to think of the lacks despite of so many blessings. Weird know. How much sometimes we take so much for granted. Just last night as I was listening to 1 AM sessions, I got reminded of hunger, needs, so much that I just didn't have. I used to be hungry for 27 hours even more sometimes. I used to crave for juices and shakes. I used to sacrifice my own meals for my dogs. I used to cut down my needs just to be there in Manali.
Comparitively, my life is so so better. I don't have to think of next meal. Whatever I wish for, I get it. I have so many blessings that I can't thank cosmos enough for. Thank you cosmos. Thank you Shiva. Thankyou dear 12 AM
Thank you my family. Thank you my stars. Thank you my spirit for being here in these moments when world is in so much of pain and I am taken care of. Thank you cosmos for the blessings you have showered me with. Thank you. Love you.
Dear 12, I want to contribute to the world as well. Though it all begins with self and home. That's what am working on. Yet, please help me give my abilities an outlet for fruitation - the deserving one. Though, it seems selfish still to ask even for this. Now I just kind of feel that cosmos knows it all. I surrender to you dear cosmos. Guide me to the right way. Make me a channel of your peace and love and blessings and abundance.
12:53
'Jaadoo hai nasha hai
Madhoshiyan
Shamma tujhko kheenchti hai
Apni or
Aja
Parwane meri bahon mei aa'
What say my love?
Wanna share some love?
Kiss my every pore tonight.
Run your fingers through my shampooed hair all light.
Kiss me gently on my nape
Take me into your arms.
Love me. Love me like a rake.
12:58
Goodnight dear 12.
Love you.
Thank you for being in my life.
'Raat ka nasha abhi
Aankh se gaya nahi'
Mmmmmmmuuuuuuuaaahhhh
............
July 12, 2020
Hey my love. My dear 12. It's your date!!! It's our date - 12th.
Such a blissful moment. I have just had a bath. In my favorite color - white. Quite aroused.
There's my favourite music filled in the room - instrumental flute along with sea waves.
Just shared a bit of vannila mango Shake with Momsha.
Now in my room and quite chilled in the moment.
12:01
I had a superb meditation this evening. Even did it in afternoon but I was sleepy at that time. The evening was quite epic. It was based on handling loneliness. It began with taking mind within. Then, Guruji made me think of all the dark moments that I was trying to avoid. And then I had to go deep into a dark hole. And make my way through all these memories. Only to root myself to earth and experience death. I had to surrender all my anxieties, concerns and desires to earth. To let go was such an epiphany. For so many days I was struggling with random memories of people who had wronged me in past. I used to suddenly feel bad about it and out of my anger curses used to come out. It was so difficult to curb this negative mind. Today, after meditation, it all kind of got over. I thought of al l the major dark people of my life. And then Earth absorbed it or maybe I went through it.
Even earlier momcy gave me a key. She said to consider them as own. Only with bigger 'I' that one can dissolve smaller 'i'. Once we consider everybody as us, no complaints remain. Today after meditation (I like to call it magitation as well now), I suddenly felt like stretching myself. Reminded me of a guy in Old Manali who used to do headstand. Kind of connected with this urge to flow the bood till head and post all strechings, I felt as if all stress went out of my body.
Also, that decision to consider each task as a game worked. Today, I rather enjoyed every work that I did and it all became so so comfortable.
Oh! Last night I couldn't sleep despite of trying so much. I watched my videos somehow.
Would love to share three of them.
One where I am reading a poem with a guy in Mumbai. Even my friend Sam's voice is there in the background. The poem was a dedication to MK. Here's the link.
Then I watched my own dance videos. Two of them are so full of energy.
Also, right after our date, I had a long chat with a guy on FB. I inspired him to write like I do to you. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. Yet if he will do, I hope he gets as much of peace and love, as I get from you.
12:12
Woah!!! Too many 12s... You are a blessing. Om Namah Shivaya!
So, today while Momsha and I were discussing about Mind, we learned that Mind is an atomic body. Take an example of a torch. When we look with a torch inside a dark room, our vision is limited only to the direction and area of the light. We can change direction yet we never get the full picture. Instead we get fragments or snapshots of the room around and we collect them all and assume it to be the entire room.
Similar is our mind. We all look from our limited perspective towards life and form our opinion or mentality. While we change our directions, yet mind tends to perceive within the limitation of what it has already seen. So we all though stand correct as per our own limited mindset, yet we never have the complete picture.
Another example can be of a group of blind people trying to touch an elephant and make out what it is. So the one with leg will consider it strong and huge, the one with tail will call it tender and feathery and the one with trunk will call it cylindrical and slippery and so on. And though each of their perspectives will stand correct yet none of them will be fully correct or aware of the entire reality. That's the case with life as well. We all presume and assume as per our own mindsets, yet we never know the complete reality.
One way of reaching close to it is probably to be connected from within to the cosmos. For we are all cosmos. Till the time we are struck in solid boundaries of body and ego, it is impossible to experience the real properties of our self - the conciousness, the awareness.
12:20
This music is seriously magical. I am tagging a link beside even to this music. I have been connect d to it for years now. And this one always always creates such positive energy within.
12:21
Woah! You and your mirror image.
After a bath, am still one with Jal. It's such a beautiful feeling. So full of love.
Oh, while meditating today, there was a moment when I could feel as if my three chakras had a heart beat. They were wavering in beats.
Last time I had similar experience was when I did DMT. Though it was different in a way. At that time I could feel energy rotating like fan first between my thighs, then higher, till stomach, and then as it was moving upwards that I had decided to sit up and the flow had got disturbed. Though, there were other energies as well back then which I didn't want.
Today though, it was different. It was subtle, positive and oh so powerful without any substance. Just purity. Just inner connection.
12:25
Dear love. Last night while I was trying to sleep, I also ofcourse was thinking so much. There was a moment when I thought of a partner, and suddenly I realised, I don't really have any craving left for someone. I mean, not immediately. Not like I never want anyone. But, there is no rush and there is definitely no anxiety left in me anymore. I feel quite content with myself and with my present.
Why don't we ever embrace and value what we have? Once we do that, nothing else disturbs us.
The realisation came up because I bumped into Bangalore's pictures in FB memories. And that trip had happened right after my first Manali trip as a traveller. At that time, I was just judging and analysing and that's why couldn't enjoy Bangalore as much as I could have. We always think of what was or what can be instead of what is. And that's why we often are unhappy. Had I rather embraced my present at that time, so much of fuss could have been avoided and I would have been much happier.
Similarly now. I am happy. And that's what am thankful for. Everything changes. If a partner will be there in my destiny, I will get him. Why the rush? Why not be in the present and live these moments fully with my 100 % self.
These days are so beautiful. I am totally living in my present. These connections are so worth it, so pure, so full of love. These vibes are so great.
The home was the same even earlier, but my attitude wasn't. Our own attitude affects our life so much. Our own perspective and reactions contribute in happiness factor so much.
12:33
It's been so long that I have been planning to buy a laptop. After doing the last job I did as an assistant director with a media house, I had earned quite well to buy it. Then I decided to open up a new venture to help depressed people. JustDial scammed me and I lost a significant amount. Then, some more got shared or spent here and there. I still have amount in my account. I can but if not the one I wanted, yet a good system. Yet something or other happens and I fail to buy a laptop each time I decide a specific model. And then, there are friends often asking for help. I have been there. It becomes so difficult to say No. Yet, I have already shared enough. Though there is never an enough when it comes to giving. On one hand I feel practical. To save atleast this much and buy what I really need. For already I have been scammed and none of them were there with me in my need or I deserve atleast this much. Yet another side comes up when I watch Mahadev or think of that king who had even donated his entire kingdom.
I was unable to keep Pompom with me because first I had no resources to raise him and noone was ready to take his responsibility in my absence. Everybody is super busy in a city. Had I gone out to work, I didn't want him to suffer. When I finally got my salary, the money seemed so worthless at that time for Pompom was no mord there with me.
That's why I freely spent it also initially. Later, I thought, 'why am I just letting it all go? Money is also an energy and s precious one. Though it shouldn't be the purpose yet it has to bd valued. I had suffered so much because of it's lack earlier.' Plus, it was my own hard work that had given that to me.
Now, I have neither bought a laptop, nor finding it easy to say No to people I care about. And this weird feeling inside of losing it. Since I have already been scammed, I often think about losing it. I don't have that obsession still of being over attached. Maybe that's why I couldn't even utilise even a single penny that I earned. Yet, I don't even want to waste it. For the oppertunity cost was so so huge.
Hopefully I buy a decent laptop and make that worth it.
That company though where I worked was such a bad experience for me. One because I was already in a negative and depressed state of mind. But majorly because of the vulgar authorities and downtrodden politics. Though I learned huge lessons as well from it. Yet each time I come across such experiences, I feel bad. And after undergoing such experience, how can I just throw off that money? Though I seriously don't like it. For it reminds me of the dirty side of humanity (what happened with me in office). Yet that toil, time, sacrifice, energy - I can't just give it all away. That's why I want to buy a laptop and give it value if possible.
Magically enough even my last laptop began to function quite smoothly last month. That was one huge amazement for me. Rather that's another reason I couldn't make myself buy a new one for suddenly the past one was functioning and I found it a wastage to buy a new one. Yet, efficiency matters. So does being updated and having the right tools and sharp ones.
Those are still gadgets though. Just like mind is to conciousness. And just like for smooth functioning all - awareness, healthy mind and healthy body - are essential.
Likewise, to work well - great ideas with determination, right oppertunity and efficient gadget are all essential.
12:52
Hope I didn't bore you love. I had decided not to bring all these things up. Yet flow is a flow. Happens how it is meant to happen.
12:53
My fingers are again and again getting numb tonight. Don't know why. I have to give them sudden jirks to ensure the blood flow.
12:54
Suddenly am thinking of CP and all my evening with a dear friend. His name and mine are similar. And wf have such cool connection to talk about anything from pin to plane. We met on a poetry app called Haikujam. Took us almost an year I guess to finally meet in person. I met him the first time in Old Manali itself. I was living there and he was visiting. When I returned back to Delhi, he was the only one whom I met so extensively and so carefree. He is a friend I cherish. Though we don't talk much anymore. Don't know what happened to him. But he is like that only - doesn't express much. Usually I am the one who does the talking part. But he is a keen listener and has significant contributions where required.
I miss hanging out with him in CP post office and talking with him at length about so many things. I miss discussing stories, people, music.
Just this moment.
Weird how our mind works. Like sea waves any memory suddenly springs up. These days it happens a lot. Out of nowhere a sudden good or bad memory springs up. Maybe, meditation cleans the system from within.
12:59
Let's take a little break love.
Will be back soon.
1:21
Yo my love! Am back. Wait. Let me play something. Also, welcome One.
All right. Music blaring in my headphones.
So yeah! Last night I was thinking about how I anyhow stay awake. So why not let our meets extent a bit. I can also write my novel otherwise. Which I will also do. Today though, let's talk. Don't know yet about what.
It's nice know to get hollow. Bit by bit - that's what I feel am going towards. Though Manali today was a similar state but there I had instead curbed down or avoided lot many emotions. Now, I have instead opened up. And let it flow. And am getting hollow and empty naturally.
Have played Susheela Raman's 'Half Shiva, Half Shakti'.
Will go to my room in a bit.
I have like five videos waiting to be edited. One is of Sikkim - 99% done. Four others are of Hampi. They are under process in lapi. Maybe I will finish the Sikkim one tonight.
1:28
'Saari Raat'
This song was already in my playlist. Though now it reminds me of a guy I had a conversation with last month. He was undergoing depression. I tried my level best to help him out. Yet depression too has its own timeline. You can't pull someone out until a person doesn't want to come out of it. And each his own depths to touch. I thought I could be someone's recluse. I thought to become the one needed when I was undergoing depression. Yet, after talking to him, I realised, none else can help you out until you want help. But then,y mistake in his case was that I offered it myself. He didn't seek it. He seemed comfortable in his stage. Sometimes we don't understand the root cause and keep blaming random factors around. And that root can only be reached on our own. Maybe that's why psychiatrists don't say much but merely listen and pet their patients reach their own conclusions with hints of help. There is no short cut when it comes to mental issues. Yet, one things gives me hope - that a single ray of light is suffice to bring light to a dark room. Maybe that's what I wanted to be in his life or anyone who needed it.
Not only my start up didn't work but he instead took me otherwise. Rather had the audacity to judge me to be linked with his gf. But then, I don't blame him. That's what depression does to anyone. You just lose all your trust or faith from any one around you, rather your own self.
1:35
'Tose naina laage mili roshni'
Such a beautiful song.
1:39
Oh! Today I realised another thing about myself. While analysing mind, I gathered I too have so many fixed comfort zones. Like though I love to listen to new good songs. Rather appreciate when someone adds on a new favorite. Still, it's rare that I explore new music on my own. Instead I just play an old playlist. Or sometimes, play a new playlist of a known musician of Spotify or Gaana. Why don't I give it time when music is indeed my love? Why don't I explore new genres and new depths there?
Got to give it time and energy but imagine the learning and depths I will reach.
And here MK sings 'Jiya re Jiya'
What's the point of listening to him again and again when all he reminds me is of past? Yet I love his music and voice and will always appreciate it. Yet, for my own growth, growing my circumference is essential.
1:43
Oh, last night I also checked out another dance video of mine in Goa. I was so so energetic there. You must check if out. It still fills me with immense power.
Maybe I was that pure, full of love and brimming with energy that I attracted energy vampires or negative energies post that. But those two months in Goa were full power.
Thankfully I feel so healed now. I do wish the people who did me wrong meet their karma. Maybe it was my karma as well to undergo whatever I had to go through.
Also, another thing I learned recently is 'No gain without pain' in some other words. The example was that milk has to go through churning to become butter which has to go further churning to become ghee. Replace churning with pain. Also, milk stays fresh for a day or two, butter for a week and ghee forever.
I though when read it the first time, found it as a way of convincing self in times of pain. Yet it seemed relevant and apt later. So yeah! Churning makes one experienced. And wisdom is forever!
1:48
Let me play something new.
Or something out of my playlist.
Have played 'Indian Ocean'.
What say? Wanna dance?
Let's dance in my room tonight. The floor is smooth. So is the spirit for the night.
'Arrey ruk ja re bande'
Such mesmerizing music.
Dear 12, you habe brought so much of joy in my life. The entire day I live photogenic moments. Or if not, I create them. Thank you so much for being so generous. Thank you for lending me an ear. Thank you for listening to my ups and downs. Thank you for being my shoulder, my friend, my beloved, my lover. Thank you for listening to all I have inside - unfiltered. Thank you for guiding me though my inner maze and helping me heal. Thank you for so much of peace and love. Thank you for so much of gratitude and belongingness.
Thank you for making me feel beautiful and happy. Love you.
Dear one, I learned something today I must tell you. Today, Guruji was talking about how people feel lonely even if surrounded by loved ones, even if they have pups or have a great life. Suddenly I remembered myself with you. I am sorry. I had so much at that time yet I failed to value it. Please forgive me. You ensured such necessary transformations, you did give me purest of love despite of such corrupt people around. You blessed me with mother nature. I failed to recognise it enough, instead seeked human companionship. I am sorry for being so silly. Do forgive me. And thank you for being in my life.
2 AM
Hey Tu! Welcome yo! Ssup??? Delhi is having monsoons these days. And how do you like it? 12, One and I are all in a very pleasent state of mind tonight with good music. Come! Join in.
'Aja tainu ankhiyan hudeek diyaan'.
I think biggest reason of loneliness is when we lose contact with our own selves. It is when we fail to enjoy our own company that we seek it from outside. Yet, none can make us happy if we are not happy with ourselves. Happiness is within and nowhere else. Love happens from within. And all are but mirror reflections. Though soul connections are entirely another level of being. Yet, it is also karma and our destiny to experience them. I get happy with the fact that I got to experience it whenever for however much duration. Many just never experience it. They limit love to shallow defined relations or physical intimacy or superficial expressions. Soul connection is so beyond it. It is even beyond physical presence itself. It is way beyond bodies. Deep at the level of souls.
'kai kai baar chadi kothe the
Te Mai utri kai baari
Na dil chain
Na sabr nu
Ki mai karti rahi aazaari
Sajna ve'
I feel cold. Aah! Transcendental music. And a great environment.
Wanna jam? I don't have much to talk about. Maybe we can just be together. Listen to good music. Chill. Let's jam though.
Haule se choo le
Rom rom ko
Bahon mei bhar le
Rooh ko, lamhon ko
Bheege se honthon se
Halke se mohabbat to kar
Gardan se fisal kar
Lafzon ko sanson mei
Tabdeel to kar.
And the song in background is 'Mahadeva'. The name itself gives me so much of content. Aah! How do I write still? You dear Shiva. You are love. I have a smile on my face now. What do I ask you for? You fulfill before I even wish for.
Alright you all!!! I will be in these moments. Will listen to music. You too can do that. Be in me. Merge in me. Live the flow alongside. No more words required.
Bye bye dear all.
Will catch you tomorrow my love, my 12.
Good night yo!!!
Mmmmmmmmmmuuuuuuuaaaaahhhhhh
...........
July 13th, 2020
Hey love, my 12... Such a serene and active moment. Have just taken a bath. Dressed in a white cotton top. Have just entered my room and played Arijit Singh. For I wanted to listen to this one song,
'Tujhe kitna chahne lage hum'
Though my musician friends say that he is not really a musician. But I love his songs and find them soulful. Though they make me emotional so I don't listen to them all the time. Also have heard him so so much that often times those songs remind me of past loops or some timelines. Yet today is a new day. And today I want this vibe.
Wanna see me? Let me click a picture for you my love.
'jo tum na ho
Toh hum bhi hum nahin'
So in Mahadev today, Shivji got remarried with Parvati on Ganesh's request after they stayed apart for years while Shiva was in a battle with Vishnu who had forgotten his real self.
I wanted to say that my state of mind is quite romantic right now. But explaining it just took the feel I guess. Ha ha.
It's just that I have so many metaphors and churnings today to share and also I have this passionate self which has suddenly emerged right now. I just feel so so good and fresh. Oh, it rained this morning. Monsoons going on after all.
So even the dual side of my present state can be seen as a parallel to Shiva and Vishnu. That's what I wanted to share. I always see all gods in my own self or any entity. Though all these gods are given different places in human body. But right now take it this way that Shiva is our spiritual side and Vishnu is worldly. Where Lakshmi is Vishnu's consort that is not just money but samriddhi to ensure smooth functioning in life. Parvati on the other hand is nature itself. When one is spiritual, one is closest to nature - the raw energy, life itself.
It is very important to have a balance between Shiva version and Vishnu. Though our real entity is Shiva - kaal, time, nothingness along with Parvati's wilderness, life, beauty, raw energy. Yet, to have a balanced life, Vishnu's version with all morality as Rama and all smartness as Krishna and ever present calm as Vishnu is essential along with Lakshmi's abundance and value.
Just like Vishnu can't contain only Lakshmi in his heart likewise we can't be dedicated solely to money or material or needs and desires. Vishnu prays to Shiva. That means being connected to conciousness. Means being aware of our raw self despite of participating in life and performing all the needful roles.
Shakti too can't be the only one staying in Shiva's heart. For Shiva portrays wisdom and Shakti portrays energy. They have to be equal. And they meet in heart. The realm of love. Energy is passion. Wisdom is knowledge.
The balance is only possible with love.
12:17
Oh! Today I got a key to handle my past and forget all those who wronged me. Though I was unable to forgive them all as yet but I figured out another way. Just like an actor once getting done with a movie doesn't stay in that character for long, instead adopts the new character, emotion and becomes that. Also, the real self though gets influenced yet is way different from all those roles that he performs. Likewise is life. Past chapters are past. Long gone. Not only am physically, psychologically, geographically, linearly new but also those roles were of past. They all must have changed as well. Time anyway has changed. If I will keep on holding the past character, how will I live and be best in the present emotion. This is new. This is Now. I got to bd here and now and let the ugly or bad or lows be left to the past.
Karma will take care of all.
For me, I got to celebrate life. Be in now. Live this emotion fully.
So that's decided then. No more looking back. No more cursing. No more wishing.
Here is now - the present - a present. Let's live it.
12:23
'Dil hi to hai'
Few days back I had sown bitter gourd in various plants. Two of the lantils are out now. Oh! The pigeons step on on that bajra grass and don't let it overgrow the main plants.
Sometimes plants teach me so much. Just the other day I was thinking how dried leaves again become fertile soil and help other plants grow. How humans too be one with the same elements and the energies again take new human forms. How to me all those plants ard but plants yet for them individually they must be the protagonist of their own lives. Likewise, are we for the creator or an observer or caretaker anyone. I am I only for myself. To anyone else, am just a human or another life. All depends upon who is seeing me. At a much macro or even way micro level - am none but one of some category. And we carry such huge egos and fictions about life! Silly us!
12:29
'Khairiyat poocho
Kabhi to kaifiyat poocho
Tumhare bin deewane ka
Kya haal hai
Dil mera dekho
Na meri haisiyat poocho
Tere bin ek din jaise
Sau saal hain'
12:30
So my love, what do you wanna do now? Oh! I exploited that game so much. Played it last night, then the entire day.
Oh yes!!! This morning was so so beautiful for it was so windy and full of drizzle. I even made a video in my hoarse voice at that time. Let me share it.
Bhai and I had lot of fun. He had made Maggie as well early morning. Though I had it more than him. And yeah! We all meditated I guess at 6 AM after which I passed out.
Didn't meditate during afternoon but did it in evening. Somehow don't remember even a single thing about it. Just blank. Also this morning I had such happy dreams. I remember laughing loudly in my sleep. But I don't remember the dreams at all. Weird know, how we so clearly remember odd and bad dreams sometimes and clearly skip the good ones. That's human nature I guess. Even with life and memories, we hold on to the negative one rather than positive. And that is what one needs to change.
Torch is in our hands. Whatever we will light it on, so will be the fiction of our reality.
12:35
'Agar tum saath ho'
My hair are so so smooth and soft tonight. Just loving the feel of them.
12:38
Pompom gifted me with the biggest gift of my life - my only family. I would have never realised the value and beauty of it as much as he helped me realise it.
Sometimes I wish to hug him and thank him so much. He is my Ganesha. Though distant from me - yet has my love.
'Jo tu mera hamdard hai'
12:40
I'm a bit sleepy tonight. Hopefully will finally sleep at night. Been few days have passed out in any of the night hours. Don't know how my sleep patterns just gets changed on its own. It's rare that I sleep during night. Though these days I want to for then I bd able to spend more time with my family which I so cherish.
Also that night passes so soon while day stays for longer. And since days are no more chaotic rather peaceful and full of love, I love staying awake even then.
12:43
Oh! Today a guy I had met in Old Manali called me. He wanted me to promote his gardening workshop. Though we had met only for one night and one day in Manali and it was a positive exchange (Is what I gathered), yet we hardly interacted post that. Today when he called, he directly needed more of marketing with a Collab though he did talk about opening up a plant business here or a cafe, that too nearby my place.
One, he has a stable job in another city so I know he won't be shifting. Another, I knew it was all in air. Though he is indeed serious about all that work but not with me. His sole purpose seemed just his promotion with a collaborated live video. I don't know. I tried taking it on face value. As such he is an artist. Yet, any vibe from my Manali days kind of scares me. Though I feed myself that am more powerful than my past. Also at that time I was emotionally weak, therefore vulnerable. Now that's not the case. Am stronger, healed and no more vulnerable. So yeah, whatever his intentions were, I just interacted all right. The way he talked lacked energy and I couldn't connect to it. Though I didn't want to judge, but see, I did I guess. Maybe it's because of a bitter judgement I had formed in between. Anyway, I appreciate his art. Still have him in my social profiles. But it was weird to suddenly get a call without any interest in any other conversation but directly for his work's promotion. So I said Yes without much intention in it. So many times have I got my interest and passion dissuaded that excitement now takes time with new ventures for me when it has others involved.
12:50
'Asmaan ko zameen
Ye zaroori nahi
Ishq sachcha wahi
Jisko milti nahin manzilein
Rang they Noor tha
Jab kareeb tu tha
Ik jannat sa tha
Ye jahann
Waqt ki ret pe
Likh gya ....
Hmari adhoori kahani'
Such a soulful song know.
Took me out of my zone and brought me totally into its vibe.
I have surrendered myself to you dear cosmos. Am content, am happy and thankful for so many blessings you have showered me with. Whatever you feel right for me, make me work towards it.
Guide me, love me, hold me, bless me.
'Make me a channel of your peace'
12:54
Will get going now my love. Will click maybe few pictures after some time. Or maybe create something. Or who knows I pass out. If I will create, will share herein.
Love!!! Loads of love.
'Bheegi bheegi sadkon pe main
Tera intzaar karun
Dheere dheere dil ki zameen ko main
Tere naam karun
Khud ko mai kho dun yun
Ki fir na mil paun
Sanam re, sanam re
Tu mera sanam hua re.
Karam re, karam re
Tera mujhpe karam hua re'
Love! Good night yo!
'Tere kareeb jo hone laga hun
To toote saare bharam re'
Ha ha! Not filling sheets in an exam. It's a dedication. Heartfelt one.
Mmmmmuuuuuuaaahhhhh
Am quite in passion tonight.
Take a deep embrace and long one. Merge in me. Love!!!!!
.............
July 14th, 2020
Hey love, my 12. Am still dripping wet. Wait. Just getting done with shower. Wanna be one with me? Aah! Just merge in me.
'I love myself. I love you.'
Oh! It's the brink!!! So so passionate. You in me. We.
Let me pat dry by skin. Let me get some robes. Though it will be epic even without them. Maybe we can.
Alright then! No clothes. A bare chilled skin under a full on fan. Isn't it ecstatic. So so free. The feeling has no words but bliss!!!
'I won't run,
I won't hide,
I only want to live
To live my life'
Why don't I do it more often? It was such an everyday thing in my teenage. So pure, so pristine and so mesmerizing.
Am getting a bit concious though. What if someone peeps from the upper window from opposite terrace. Fie!!! Let it be!!!
This is our moment. And the room has such low light.
'In this life, all comes back to you'.
It was such a fruitful day. Did so so much in terms of creativity.
My eyes right now are burning though, one because of the kajal I put after soooo many days. Another because of the face wash. Maybe I hasted while bathing for I wanted to meet you.
'Does that make me crazy'
Aah! Wind upon watery skin.
This is indescribable.
12:18
I made two dance videos this evening, wrote a poem and also went live with it. Will share few pics and videos with you ofcourse.
The pics:
12:11
Am lying upon my own wet towel. Maybe I should wear the essentials. Though I feel like an art myself. I always love to sketch and paint bare women. The body seems too beautiful. Not like am obsessed with bodies. Also don't get me wrong. Just, I appreciate beauty. And I love everything raw and wild.
'udi neende ankhon
Judi ratein khwabon se
Judi ye jaane main kahan
Mil gyi aaj asmaan se'
Don't want to make our meet just about this awesome feeling of being bare though. I can surely have more such moments on my own. Though with you, they are all the more epic. Still, let me change the focus.
12:17
Alright yo!
In some clothes finally. Ha ha! Have used aromatic talcum for fragrance. Will brush my locks in a second.
12:20
Shit! My hair are still sweaty because I had danced so much. I totally forgot to give them a wash. I had to do many things this evening. By the time I realised, it was way late to do things at my usual pace. Yet I felt so so active after a very long time.
Let's go sit in drawing room. It's cooler than my room tonight. The main MCB is getting tripped moment am switching on my room's AC. Also, since I was dancing here with a bright yellow light on, it is all the more hot.
12:23
Alright! Chilling under a full on AC. Have pored a glass of cold drink for I was fasting the entire day and didn't get time to make anything at night. Am home alone tonight. Also wasn't much hungry. Just wanted to create so many things. I skipped going to nani's place with Momsha and bhai. Some 'me time' is always great. Though none of us wanted to be away from each other. Momsha and I had an amazing conversation on lessons of Kathopnishad this evening. She told me an epic story about the son of Vedvyaas. So Vedvyaas ofcourse was so knowledgeable by the blessing of Goddess Saraswati that he had written Vedas which have the knowledge of the entire world. And those four Vedas too were the knowledge that he could pick up in his palms from the mountain of knowledge. Imagine that wise a guy and his son. So his son naturally also was quite wise. This son got into existential crises and asked his father the reason for life and why even live it when ultimately one had to die. He questioned that a man in his childhood is so pitiable for he is dependent. Middle age is all spent in earning and old age again is dependent. Yet, at the time of death, all senses go one by one and he realises that nothing was actually true. Why live such a sham then? What's the point of living. Vedvyaas knew that though he could have taught the world about so many things yet his own son won't understand things in his words so he sent him to King Janaka (Possibly Seeta's father). Now Janaka was known to be a 'Vaidehi' meaning he though was a king yet totally unattached to any maaya or attachments. So the son reached Janaka's palace and asked the doorman to make him meet the king. janaka though knew who the son was, yet he told the doorman to tell him to wait. Now the son though could have got angry for he was the son of a well renowned guru. Yet he didn't react. Instead decided to wait. One week passed and nobody even looked at him. He was like a pebble by the door. The next week they told him to stay in the garden. The son still didn't raise an issue instead decided to wait for he knew it was him who needed answers from the king and not the other way round. The next week they shifted him to palace and gave him all the luxury possible. He still didn't enjoy much instead was hardbent upon his purpose of visit and need to meet. Finally the king met him and on being asked the 'point of life', king told him, 'You know it all.' and sent him back.. This story was told by Rishi Valmiki to Ram when Ram too was undergoing depression and existential crises. The crux though is that one has to stay neutral no matter in lacks or in ample. That's the key of life. To learn the middle path. To be as detached in pains as in pleasures.
I loved the story. Could learn so much from it. Had I heard this story earlier maybe I wouldn't have lost my job. For then, I would have probably not reacted to insults or had not taken everything on my ego.
Oh ya, I found a kick-ass pdf file last night on Google. So I was curious about the fifth dimension for many people had mentioned it in the begining of lockdown. I wanted to know what this fifth dimension was. Turned out, it was the same I have actually been working on - conciousness. So the first three dimensions are space (length, breadth, height), the fourth is Time. And fifth is conciousness.
While searching for more information on it online, I landed across a very informative pdf uploaded by some military person of US. He had done a thorough analysis upon the gateway (in his words) after meeting many scientists and reading many theories about it. He not only mentioned Kundalini jagran through meditation but also various techniques of physics, biology, spirituality, and many more. He mentioned hypnosis as well. Talked about the two sides of brain - left and right. How one is major and other secondary. How we make all our judgements through one and the other stamps and proceeds bodily functions accordingly. How, we can actually heal our body just with energy and focus. He said, though we understand everything around in terms of matter and energy yet even matter is nothing but energy for even atom is nothing but neutrons, protons and electrons. Everything we see around is just a different speed of its electrons. The gateway or connection to conciousness happens in between rest and active or potential and kinetic energy. He mentioned holograms of three stones thrown in water, the ripple being frozen immediately and seen with a laser light. He said, the result would be exactly like the ripple first caused until an object like a human face is brought in between and light gets reflected. Then the results would be trememdously different. However, if the hologram is taken without any obstruction, it will carry the same imprint and memory and even if it is thrown on the floors broken into pieces yet scientists can analyse the original process even with a figment of it. Such is the power of our mind as well. Our DNA itself carries huge memories. Likewise every atom, particle, energy. We are all energy. He talked about the immense power our minds have and how the power usually gets fragmented like a lantern, yet if focussed as a laser light, we can heal, can do so many things, learn so much, know way beyond than our seeming capacity.
I have just read 11 out of 29 pages. Have even summarised it all in a very vague manner. But woah! Though I knew many of those things, yet reading them together, specially during these days, so much clicked. Though, I still couldn't understand all of it, yet it seemed an incredible source of information. Will try to share it here if possible.
12:52
Momsha and bhai are back. Yet to talk with them but it feels awesome. Home is not home when they are not here. They fill life in it. Love their vibes.
Oh, I made besan laddus with Momsha this evening. That's when she told me that story and we had quite a legit conversation. Yet to hear their experience of their visit. They gonna be full of stories. Am excited already.
I will probably have dinner as well later on. Though am still not hungry. Weird, the entire day though I was fasting yet feeling like eating something or other. From evening suddenly all my hunger got satisfied.
12:55
Bhai just came post bath and kissed me with his face still wet and brushed his wet hair with my face to tease me calling me 'Jhappa kolu'... I smiled instead of getting annoyed. Love them.
Oh! Papa also called. He doesn't call generally so late. Today, when I was home alone, he called on his own.
Oh, that guy had also mentioned teleopathy. He said, since every atom is but energy, therefore every thought or action takes less than 0.7 seconds to travel around the entire earth. That's how teleopathy works. Maybe that's how Shiva and Shakti interact in their hearts.
12:58
Alright my love!!! Wanna be with my family for now.
Loads and loads of love!!!
Our meet today just whoosed. So beautiful it was and had so many phases just in one hour.
Off I go. Goodnight.
Love you!!!
Mmmmmmmmmuuuuuuuaaaahhhh
.........
July 15, 2020
Hey love, my darling 12
Still half dressed. The entire day was a bit dragged and late. Though after this bath, am confused if I should go up or be here. Let me wear something first.
12:02
Am wearing shorts. In my room. Though am more inclined towards going on terrace tonight. It will take efforts though. One am out of coffee. Another, would have to pick up newspaper, fix a cup of green tea, and leave the comfort of this bed right after a fresh bath. Maybe we can do it.
Let's see in some time. Today was quite weird for we were late for everything as compared to our usual days. I had an early breakfast for I was hungry and wasn't able to sleep otherwise. Then I slept post breakfast till lunch, had lunch and passed out again. Though evening happened late but I did Sudarshan kriya and meditation. Dinner again, Mahadev and here we are. That's it. Ofcourse include basic chores here and there. But yeah! Seems like I did nothing but eat and sleep know.
12:06
Oh! Momsha later at night told.me the jist of her story from Kathopnishad. She said, king Janaka's line 'You know it all' means that all of us know everything for our souls and energy have eternal memory. Even that captain's thesis on conciousness had a similar view where while describing holograms, he said that energy is similar and it carries memory. Since we are all nothing but energy, so we have properties and memory of the cosmic energy and universe.
We can understand it with an example of water for it carries memory and ice which even if broken into pieces yet has same properties as rest of the ice.
12:09
I haven't even played any music as yet. There's still water droplets in my hair, ears, here and there.
It's humid. Haven't even switched on the AC.
Still unsure if I should go up or stay here. Stability my friend - where are you? Ha ha!
I asked momsha and bhai about what I should do. They said to go if I have to.
But our vibes will change know and it takes me time to settle down and sync to the vibes. Just, today was so void that I am seeking something more from it.
12:15
Oh! I had MK's dream again. In most of my dreams, he doesn't show his face and often tries to run away from me. In the one before last to last dream, he even had a girl with him along with whom he was avoiding me. This morning I had a weird dream. So there is a girl (my school senior) whom I chance met in Manali two years back. Often in my dreams she is the bad one somehow.. sometimes she claims to be Miss world and imprisons me in some 'tilasmai' walls...or something else.
Today, she in my dream texted me that she was about to get married with MK. I was in a room which had a face shaped peep hole opened in the street. Opposite to me, there was a stage where MK and his cousin brother were performing. I could clearly see them for the stage was right across a street distant. I initially had just got her message and was devastated there in. There was a diary in my hands in which I had written so many poems and years of yearning for him. And suddenly I heard their voice. That girl was reading out a poem alongside MK and his brother on stage. I peeped outside. His brother saw me first. MK was looking down though they were performing together. I felt so so envious and disappointed for she was reading out my words. As if she was at my place. And suddenly MK stared me - right into my eyes. As if he wanted it all as it is.
I stopped peeping there. Stepped down from that peep hole and broke down into tears. There was a friend earlier with me who suddenly became momsha. Also bhai magically appeared. I was sitting upon some stair case in my own room all consoling myself while contemplating in my own dream that after all it is his life and his decision. That it was my ego to be so shattered. That he could love anybody he wanted to. That she could very well replace me for I was indeed just a person like anyone else. I was cleaning my own ego, consoling my own pain and there I saw that diary kept nearby holding years of love all mocking at me. And then some clean white sheets magically appeared both in front of me and my brother. He heartily sat down to work upon those sheets and I had to finally write yet another poem - maybe of closure, maybe of realisation.
I woke up with the lines of the poem still in my head which I had not even penned down in my dream as then for I woke up before that.
The lines were something like
'Today is the day of my breakup
For years I held on to his love'...
Something something...
It was weird though - both the dream and those lines for we have never really been in any relationship. How can we break up. Also, can love ever be put a full stop on? I don't think so. There have been so many people I have cared about in my life.. I may have got angry. I may have decided to not be in contact. I may not even know where they are. They may have hurt be in tremendous ways. Yet, if I cared about somebody, the soft corner remains. And if I loved somebody ever, the love will always remain - with or without any relationship, conversation, connection, thought, interaction.
Just yesterday I was getting happy about not mentioning MK and moving over other random attachments otherwise. And this morning he tapped on my sub concious again. Why does it happen - I don't understand. Not like I think of him all the time or I wish for him. No. Yet he just comes into my dreams, visions, memories, thoughts - without even thinking of him.
12:32
Today in Mahadeva, Shivji had taken Parvati to a secluded magically beautiful place. He said, 'ye saara prakrtik sundrarta tumhaari ichchapoorti ke liye hi to bnayi hai' and 'pyaar to pyaar hai Parvati. Wo gun dekh kar thodi kiya jaata hai. Aur jo gun dekh kar liya jaaye to kya wo gun na rehne par pyaar nahi rahega?' they were talking about how they were so content despite of a serene silence between them. That they didn't really need words to interact for it is each other's presence and vibe that mattered to them more. And that they loved each other with or without their qualities.
Anyway, his line about qualities and our appreciation being different from love surely gave me a reminder. Though I realised people I love, I don't just love them for their qualities but more for their energy, for their vibe.
12:37
The AC is working fine. Though bhai outside is discussing something quite charged with Momsha. I must play something. Also have some water.
I just didn't go on terrace. It is quite hot outside anyway. Also I don't want to change the vibe maybe.
I noticed another thing these days. If any of us goes outside or anyone comes from outside the overall vibe and balance immediately changes. We have such a blissful and serene energy at home these days. We meditate, interact, eat, entertain, love. It's all bliss. Any other intrusion and either our thoughts or energy gets immediately different. Not like we fight or something. Just the change is very noticeable. Imagine how many vibes we come across in our lives otherwise. So many people we meet, places we go to. Some vibes are happy, some are frustrated. And we interact at the level of energy without even knowing or realising it. Maybe that's why people in cities grow so far apart from their own selves. Though I managed to split up from my authentic self in Manali - in nature.
Another thing I figured out was that either one has to be so so so stable from within that no external force be able to affect us or we have to be like a speeding water where again nothing from outside can affect it. Like when I was traveling Pan India, I was ensuring a moment all the time. I was indeed interacting with numerous vibes yet one, I was totally in sync with my inner voice so no other force was overpowering me, another I was in full on speed, so no ill intention could stay for long and third I was humble and connected to nature who blessed me throughout. Right before my accident, something had happened. I had become dark. Was taking revenge from people..and since my power had become so much, so the impact immediately circled back..
Though both at that time and the recent one of my mental break down, there was the same guy whome I had met. I wish his karma punishes him so bad that he never does what he did to me.
12:49
Woah! Bhai and Momsha with icecream and cake. Let's have it my love.
1:02
Such a sweet break! We shared ice-cream with mom made cake and laughed about things.
And they are making fun of me now saying 'Musaili kha ke So li' because I had Museli this morning and had passed out.
Jaise aye waise hi room se chale gye - magically.
And now am looking at the screen still laughing at their jokes.
Ice cream was epic. So was the cake that mom had baked for the first time.
In Mahadeva today Shivji talked of tree plantation. He said one tree is equal to ten sons. I looked at momsha and asked her, 'so Ma, how many sons do you have?' and we laughed.
But yeah! I love the fact that they put in good values with such high knowledge through simple stories and entertainment. I watch Mahadeva entirely metaphorically.
Learned another thing today
Shivji is Shiv
And Parvati is Shiva.
Likewise with all the names of Shivji. Parvati have a similar name as well. Like if Shiv is Mahadev then Parvati is Mahadevi and so on.
Mom said even in Lalita sahastranaam, there are a thousand names mentioned of Shakti describing her beauty, power, body, qualities and connected to Shivji.
1:09
Yo One! Sorry, didn't even say Hi today!!! Hello!!!
And will get going for now.
My love 12. Will meet you tomorrow.
Muah muah muah
Bye bye
Love you
Mmmmmmmuuuuaaah
.............
July 16th, 2020
Hey 12. Just caught you on time.
I still gotta go on terrace. Give me like 5 minutes and I will be up with a fresh spirit to make us meet full on. Loads of love. Wait.
12:07
Alright yo!
I am on terrace finally. Seems like forever that I have come upstairs. Just needed this outing I guess. Haven't taken my night bath as yet. My top is still a bit wet after doing dishes. But yeah, the night is pleasent. I did ensure to wash up myself a bit. And it is quite breezy to chill my soul. Will have some water now and play some music to get into the groove.
And I just noticed that a society's known person (earlier friend) has also pinged me and by coincidence that am upstairs just tonight.
12:10
Have played a playlist of erotic songs on Spotify. There's a pole star twinkling bright beside another star in sky. Night is quite starry and it will only get better from now. Also, none around on any of the terraces to be seen as yet. Solitariness long required. Woah! Nice music, windy ambience. Quite epic a feeling. Plus, I have a mug of bulletproof coffee with me.
12:13
Let's take a walk my love. Yet to absorb it all. The trees around, distant sprinkle of lights, Blue star, stardust sprayed in sky, prancing feet and am in a blue broad necked top with blue trouser.
Momsha and I had a long discussion on Mind and it's nature today. We not only revised the entire chapter but also went a bit more in our exploration.
12:16
Oh! This moment is so beautiful.
'will you come running
When I scream your name'
In a just, mind is a tool given to our conciousness to experience through body. So senses are dolls being played by mind and mind can be controlled by conciousness. Though we let the mind rule which results in our life getting disoriented. Mind is but an object that can be observed same like we can observe our body parts or even internal organs or systems like digestion or heartbeat. Though it is the most advanced machine and object that we are gifted with. Now, mind is made up of energy and conditions and it expresses itself through logic, feelings, will and sensory perceptions in three stages of sleep, dream and wakefulness. Mind has an organic connection with body. Whatever the body consumes, mind also consumes may it be food, thought or even exercise. It is an organism in itself with its own diet, metabolism, and malfunction. There is no fixed place or location of mind in our body. It is larger than our physical body. Wherever our attention goes, that's where our mind goes. Whatever we perceive, our mind takes the shape of that object. But we can say that it is in heart that mind actually resides. Not the physical heart but the emotional one. Now mind had two layers - outer (brain/senses) and inner (heart/ feelings). Mind in itself is not luminous. Instead conciousness puts its energy through feelings which get reflected through senses. Say, conciousness projects a movie filtered through heart upon the screen of brain. The real spiritual journey is to disengage and detach from world and come inside. It's a journey from brain to heart to very inside - the fifth dimension - conciousness.
Mind is different from body for it functions even when body doesn't like in dreams, trance or after death. Consciousness is even beyond mind and body.
Our mind though is laser like and pointed in its perception but it is limited. We take screenshots of whatever we look around and perceive with our limited mindsets based upon previous mindsets and form opinions about reality. Though the larger picture cna never be fully comprehended for we don't have vision enough. Instead it can be experienced once we get over our ego and exterior pulls and connect to the cosmic consciousness by moving beyond body and mind.
Mind though is very mobile. That's it's nature which can't be changed. Mind moves through space and time moves by mind. Take an example of a person in comma. Time won't change for him for his mind won't be functioning to keep a count of time. All these concepts of space and time are created by man to have a bit better perception of reality though a lot is unknown. Mind occupies space like a canvas with fragments of pictures which are our perceptions of reality. And mind moves time for as we think, the time goes on both in mind and along mind.
Stream of conciousness is mind's nature of having a thought followed by feeling, then sensation and then another thought. And we keep on building these chain of thoughts until conciousness doesn't keep a check and change its direction if required.
Though mind can be anything because it is way subtle and that's why it is important to feed it with good environment, food, company, vibes so that it becomes good and full of love.
Also, mind is very sensitive. It's like a child who cries with tiny things and gets suddenly affected with a sudden rebuke.
Though, mind's flow is not like water in continuity. Instead, it is like a movie made up of a series of pictures - various snapshots gathered and then run in a certain speed.
12:34
That's what I remember right now. Though there is lot much detail in between but then I have already spoken at length I guess in our earlier meets.
12:35
'I put a spell on you'
Let's dance. What say?
'because you are mine'
12:38
Oh! I have finally edited those two videos. Have even uploaded them both. Embedding them now.
It is now that I took the first sip of coffee. It has got cold by now. I just forgot about it. Or maybe, I was just so eager to make the most of us for I had already taken time to come till here.
Oh! I finally transferred most of the amount from my account to someone. Am relieved somehow. One thing I feel he needs it much more than me right now. Also I feel it purified that money and made it worth it. I will get a laptop at the right time I know.
And I am no more scared of losing that amount. I feel free.
Weird know how I wanted to earn so much after so long lacking it while in Manali, yet when I earned it, I couldn't use it rather it made me insecure. I guess it was more of my mental state though. I just feel so prosperous right now. Like everything is taken care of. I don't need a back up for Shiva is my back up. I have always been a blessed child. And I will remain so.
Anyway, I have so so much to be thankful for that worldly things seem way lesser to count for. Love I guess is the most immense treasure and ofcourse faith. I have both in ample now. And I am greatful for it. Ofcourse all my needs are taken care of much more than I could have imagined. I don't even think of things, every need is taken care of. Cosmos has blessed me with so much and I am so so thankful for it. So much of abundance. Thank you dear cosmos for so much of love.
12:49
Ofcourse health is another huge reason to be thankful for. Am fit - physically, mentally, socially, psychologically and spiritually - it is such a huge blessing. Thank you dear cosmos.
12:50
So my love. What say? Let's celebrate!!! There is a peacock visible on that same tree. He just loves to hang out on the same spot.
12:51
These days I am realising a lot of my past mistakes. How I had so so much of ego and 'ehankar' even while working. Though I was too depressed but then I had my own faults. Though I was unhappy with that version of mine. But there were faults in me nonetheless. I feel so so sorted now. So much in love. So happier. So blessed.
12:52
I learned making kokedamas by watching the video of that guy who had asked me to come live with him. Then I searched the spiritual side of it - say why do they hang plants mid air and doesn't it affect negatively to stop the natural growth of plants by making them bonshies. Turned out, it is instead a very good vibe for not only these indoor plants filter out the air, give company but also they get more stable by not growing any where wildly instead are controlled nad stable by being of limited stature but of more experience. Quite an epic revelation know.
12:55
'There was a snake charmer
Calling out my name'
A bit dark vibe of this song. Let me change it.
Ha ha!
Next is 'Make up sex'
The sky has grown a bit cloudy. Stars are still bright. No sign of moon ofcourse. Guess new moon day will be in three to four days.
12:58
In Mahadev today, Shakti asked Shiva to go and fetch her a flower self grown from all six seasons. Shiva has gone for an year now to pick up those flowers and weave a hair-garland (gajra). Though it seemed unfair to me this demand of Parvati but am sure there must be a spiritual meaning behind it. Though flowers represented emotions there. If Shiva is wisdom and Shakti is Life energy then just like Shakti had to do tapsya for so long to attain Shiva likewise even Shiva who is generally so detached has to gather emotions to meet Shakti. Maybe that's the interpretation or I don't know.
Also they described love and waiting involved in it so well. That waiting purifies love. Also, though soul gets seperated from cosmos as it comes to life and undergoes immense pain all the time craving to unite with cosmic self yet it all enhances the love and ultimately they do unite again. Shivji gave example of a cloud which though gets seperated from sea and undergoes pain of bearing the heat of sun, becoming into a vapour yet only the 'sheetalta' or coolness of love condenses it again to become rain, be one with some river or stream (all purified in the process) and once again it unites with the ocean.
1:05
Hey One. Ssup? Quite a nice ambience know. 12 and I are having a heart to heart about literally anything and everything. Stream of conciousness - I realised just today. I was aware of this term from my college time for it was a huge side of literature. But the real meaning clicked just this evening while exploring mind and it's dimensions.
1:07
Ok then! Time to change music.
The genre itself.
Have played coke studio. I love most of their songs. Specially the ones of Pakistani band.
'Maati ke tum deeware
Jo suniyo hmari baat
Aaj mila mohe piya ka
Jo jagiyo saari Raat'
Have played it even earlier know. New music. Let's see what else the night has to offer.
1:09
Evening chill music it seems. Cool, let's keep it light.
'Roobaru, raushni'
I didn't meditate this evening. Though the one I did in afternoon was quite epic. Also because I was half sleepy. So mind was in a kind of 'Turiya awastha'. Post meditation Guruji mentioned to lie down if required. I did. And there a bam of energy I could feel right in my entire head. As if some energy was pushing me from both sides to the centre. I passed out while in that state. Hardly an hour's sleep and it was enough. Yog nindra is always way powerful. It's a hack of sleeping less. I had not even slept last entire night. Was playing Lilly's garden though. Day was quite loaded. Yet, here I am, still fresh. Not even an ounce of sleep.
I am also experiencing an inflow of positivity within these days suddenly. So much of love, hope, good energy.
Aslo, the other day I wore a white top I had only worn in Goa (Arambol). It had all love vibes I guess for that's when I created so much.
1:15
Am unable to find a decent song now. Why do they make such draggy music in Bollywood's though there is good stuff as well. One just has to find.
1:17
Though I was hasty in my judgement. This one is actually nice.
'Aj din chadya
Tere rang warga'
The pole star is so extraordinarily bright and pretty. So so beautiful.
1:21
Woah! Time is running today. Or maybe my mind is. For that's what I learned today. It is our mind that makes time run. Like in a moving train, the station seems to be moving. That is how I could find a logical reasoning finally to my otherwise concept of past, present and future all coexisting at the same time.
Oh, Momsha told me about this story the other day where a queen wished for her king to stay with her forever. Godess Saraswati said she couldn't make her husband immortal so she wished for his soul to be with her in her room forever. The king when he died suddenly realised him to have lived another life as a brahmin somewhere else alongside where he had wished to become a king and another life where he was still alive as a warrior. Something like that. The story talked about parallel universe and that many dimensions and timelines co-exist at the same time.
I had an example for it. Say if right now itself I an here in Delhi sitting on my terrace and I think of Arambol where I was in past and Andamaans where I was in some other year. So all these thoughts are coexisting at the same time in my head. And since we are all but energy and even matter is energy and while we are thinking of those moments, we for a brief second of snapshot actually reach there in some other time, some other place - likewise time travel, space travel and multi-dimensions coexisting - are possible at the same time.
Don't take me to be crazy if I don't make sense to you. It just feels so sorted even if I may have not been as apt to express it.
There was this series called Flash that had heartily loved. There too parallel universe was so vividly expressed. I found an expresion of another thought in my head that all are choices are but alternate realities - existing at the same time. It is just what we believe to be real and our choice that seems to be our reality. But that doesn't mean that other choices don't exist. We just don't see the results. Yet sometimes we come across them as De ja vous moments.
1:30
Oh! The sky is so pretty.
'jagmahati jhilmilati
Palak palak pe khwaab hain
Ye hawaein gungunaein
Jo geet lajawaab hain'
Now this song always remind me of Ash and Sun and the mild music with soothing voice and warm place full of love.
Right now as well it is so so beautiful. The pole star, clouds as if a peacock's feather.
1:32
Aah! My neck hurts for I have been staring down in my screen for so long and typing.
What say 12 and one... Are you liking it?
'Jo tum ho to
Ye lagta hai
Ki mil gyi har khushi'
1:34
Come, let's take a walk!
1:35
'Tum mile to mili
Ye zindagi'
Dear 12
A dedication.
'Ye Moh moh ke dhaage
Teri ungliyon se ja uljhe'
Hey 12, tell me one thing... Why are sids connected to you? When I was a student, we had a did teacher. He used to have double lectures in our class, once a weak where 12 PM used to happen. It was a coincidence or we used to cook up stories but right before 12, the entire class used to go silent and listen to him more attentively only to find out a single fault or an act of craziness to laugh about later.
Though I went into its history in my childhood. Guru govind had formed the entire sikh clan to protect people from invaders. I guess it used to be an every day call or time of gathering or at night that they used to be more attentive at this time. Don't remember now. But it had a legit explanation. Though all this is a rumour - a light joke like sindhis and baniyas are known to be misers or great businessmen. Likewise Sikhs are also known for their bravery and generous heart. I have seen so many kinds of classes. And realised that though few general opinions could be formed about certain categories yet people can't be judged entirely based on these notions.
1:43
'Mai koi aisa geet gaun
Ki aarzu jagaun
Agar tum kaho'
Love!!! This song is love. Seriously.
'jitni khushbuein baag mei milein
Mai laun wahan pe
Tum ho Jahan pe'
Reminds me of today's episode of Mahadev.
'agar kaho to Mai sunaun
Tumhe haseen daastaan
Sunogey kya tum meri kahani
Wo ik pari ki daastaan'
Sweet!!!
1:46
Blue Star right on my head. Such a lucky night.
1:51
Inhad a chat with Chocu today. Asked him to teach me Kannada. Also Ashika had. Atiny conversation with me last evening. As much I love Bangalore, as much donI love that language. It is so so sweet. Like honey to ears. They speak it with so much of love. I only remember one line and will say it to you dear 12.
'Nanu ninnana preetistidini'
It means 'I love you'
Though, when I used to live there I had learned counting till five and few basics like give or take. I used to use it while buying something and shopkeepers used to revert back in even stronger kannada to tease me with laughter curled between their lips. It was another life time - but a very precious one.
'koi to ho raazdaar
Jisko tujhse ho pyaar
Koi to dilbar ho yaar'
I had sung this song in my school time I guess. And quite a lot. It has such nice lyrics.
1:58
I think it's not pole star what I have been tripping on. Instead it's some planet. For though it shimmers in the shape of a star but it doesn't twinkle. Also it is super bright. Maybe the one beside is pole star and it is Venus or I don't know. But Venus is Pole star itself know. Oh! I have all forgotten. Once I was so good at recognising stars.
2
Hey love. How are you dear Tu?
12, One and I are chilling on terrace tonight. Welcome!
'kagaz ke do pankh le kuda chala jaye re
Jahan nahin jaana tha ye
Wahin chala jaye re
Umar ka ye taana baana samajh na paye re
Zubaan pe ye moh maaya
Taala lagaye re
Ki dekhe na jaane na maane re haaye re...'
This one!!! Bengali feels. Such nice music.
2:02
Now that you are also here... Wanna jam??? What say?let's..
#kaagaz par utaar lun
Man ke vibhinn rang
Wo tasveer jo chahti hun
Wo taqdeer jo likhti hun
Udaan chahton ki
Muskaan khile man ki
Mohabbat ki, khushiyon ki
Rekhaein kuch hathon ki
Chamak meri ankhon ki
2:06
'kabhi haath pakad ke tu mera chal de
Kabhi haath chuda ke mai tera
Chal dun chal dun..'
Don't mind my random flow of writing. I just don't think but flow when with all of you.
'Love you zindagi
Love me zindagi'
2:12
'Mai fir bhi jaata hun
Sab dohraata hun
Shayad mile kuch khabar
Ghar se nikalte hi
Kuch door chalte hi
Raste mei hai uska ghar'
2:13
Let's write some more.
#ye jo vriksh hain charon taraf
Inse varshon ka naata hai
Kabhi priyatam, kabhi saathi
Kabhi waqt ka takaaza hai
Ye to yahin they, yahin hain
Hum chahe Kahan kahan they
Fir bhi ye dil ke rishte yahin hain
Jab bhi ankhon mei bharte hain
Pyaar se milte hain
Kuch ye kehte hain
Kuch him kehte hain
Kabhi subah saath karte hain
Kabhi raat bhar ik dooje ko takte hain
Ye jo vriksh hain yahan
Ye to mann mei baste hain
Ghar ke paas
Ye khud ghar se lagte hain.
2:17
'choti choti ankhiyon ki yaadein hooo
Chupa chupi ankhiyaan khelo naa
Gunguni dupki lelo na
Gin gin pal yaad sameto na'
2:21
It's so serene right now. Just we and this starry night.
2:22
Reminds me of Van Gogh though. He committed suicide. Maybe he wasn't able to cut off his negative chain of thoughts right at the nip. There's a plant called 'Amar bel'. It's like a parasite of plants. Once it climbs upon a tree, it consumes all its energy. There are people also like that. Also there are such chain of thoughts. All these should be cut off. May it be a negative thought, a negative vibe or a consuming creeper like energy which is harmful for our being.
It takes mental strength though. To do it, one needs wisdom, love and a stronger connection to self. Saying it is easy. But implementing - that's the test of life. Also it needs faith. That has to be there - always.
2:25
'khwabon ke tinkon se
Chal banayein aashiyaan'
Lotany mosquitos troubling me tonight. What say? Let's go downstairs? Aah! It's rare that I come here. Yet one has to be content. I feel kind of neutral and peaceful almost everywhere and almost all the time these days.
2:27
'Tum badal gye
Badli kahani teri'
There's still coffee in my mug. I can stay for a bit more.
2:28
'Tere sang hi likhni thi kahani
Magar
Tum badal gye
Badli apni kahani
Thoda sa badle hum bhi
Yahaan'
It's the first time I am listening to this song. Mellow music. Peaceful.
Reminds me of Adele though. Her song 'Someone like you' kind of has similar meaning.
2:30
'Yaari teri yaari
Saari meri fiqrein
Tere agey aake haari...
Apni to yaari atrangi hai re'
Doesn't it seem like Chitrahaar though. Lol! Just! I am enjoying the music. And you can enjoy the flow.
2:32
This is monsoon season in Delhi and still hardly much rain. I miss rain. I Love rain. Why so serious yo rain? Where is your love?
'Barso re megha barso'
Ha ha
2:33
Alright dear all. Will go down now. Got to take a bath then. And will chill later. What say? Wanna meet again? Wanna meet still?
And now suddenly a powerful song a chilled breeze. Wow! It was so silent - everything around. And suddenly there are beats. And the song is
'Thandi hawa'
What am I waiting for? Sardi or baarish? Or love? Or magic? Or angel's blessings? Or shubh mohrat?
Let's dance.
2:38
Let's do some magic. Comeon you wind. Blow full on. Chill my senses. Come on you night. Love me like you do.
Come on you clouds. Time to pore some love.
'Teri zulfon ki ye nami
Teri ankhon ka ye nasha
Yahan kho bhi jaun to main
Kya kasoor hai mera
Kyun ye afsaana
In lamhon mei kho gye
Haan ghaayal they
In lafzon mei kho gye
Hain hum anjaane
Ab dil mei tum ho chupe
Hum hain sarhad ki parchaiyaan'
Full on lyrics know. Wow! Tonight am being introduced to so many new songs now.
How are you all liking it dear 12, one and Tu?
2:41
But then, let's go down atleast. Will see from then if we want to proceed.
'Kho gye hum kahaan'
2:45
Off! This song.
'Phir le aya dil
Majboor
Kya kije
Raas na aaya
Rehna door
Kya keeje'
This song is so so dear to my heart. And peacocks and peahens are singing around suddenly. This moment and this song - core magic.
'Karte hain hum
Aaj kabool kya kije
Ho gyi thi jo humse bhool
Kya kije'
Maybe I was waiting just for this song. It fulfilled me so much. So much full of love do I feel right now. Wow!
Can definitely go down now. Wouldn't it have been great to bond with peacocks. I had even seen a peacock one morning long back on opposite terrace. It was raining and the peacock was dancing. I couldn't capture it back then but the moment stayed in my soul. Some moments are so magical and beautiful.
'goonja sa hai koi ik taara'
3:14
Alright yo! Am back in my room. Sanitized the basics. Took out a suddenly raised flood of cough, had a soothing bath and here I am dressed in my favorite color white. Welcome 3. You are magical. Welcome! 12, One, Tu and I were having a subtle but sweet get together on terrace. You happened maybe when I was in shower or maybe when I was coughing out all accumulated toxins. Don't know. All for good though is what I know.
Right now I feel quite clean.
Let me brush my hair and we can have a tiny photo shoot.
3:34
Even made a video for you all. How did you like it? Kind of captured the joy know.
Loads and loads of love dear all..
Especial embrace and a heartfelt kiss dear 12. Thank you all for being in my life.
Will take your leave now.
Good night.
Love you my 12.
Mmmmmmmmmuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh
.........
July 17, 2020
Hey love, my dear 12 AM.
Today is quite an off day. I slept most of the day and right now also not feeling as great. Imagine just yesterday was I talking about health and how am blessed with it. And at night itself when I had come down, I coughed insanely. Though I took it positively considering the toxins to have left my body. But early morning my nose got all jammed and though I put hot mustard oil as well, I found myself unable to breath properly. Then I decided to do Sudarshan kriya for part of it involves Bhastrika which cleanses the breathing system. When I was still on early process sitting in vajra aasan, I suddenly felt as if my entire spine was getting straightened on its own. My body was getting into its own zone and I felt a transe kind of feeling much before even meditation. Legs got numb after vajra assan processes itself. Anyway I began the kriya. Though throughout I was trying to free my legs of a tingling sensation for they needed more blood flow, but every second my spine was getting straight, I was feeling an upsurge of energy. The nasal passage for that time had got all cleansed. Instead I could feel a strange and powerful sensation behind my heart chakra. As if something was moving upwards upon my spine. When I had begun the kriya, there was a sudden off feeling as if I won't be able to do it. But after our conversation last night, I knew it was all for my own good. That I had to do it. I surrendered to guruji and to Shiva and continued. I first saw a blue halo of Shivji... I kept on chanting Om namah Shivaya in my head along with kriya for I could feel my body to be suddenly overcharged with energy. Though I usually I open my eyes even while meditation if I reach that state my in the morning, I just felt ready. To fed myself with optimist. Though after that off feeling I was trying to find out something good, an image or something to cut the negative chain of thoughts and enhance the experience with positivity. Only Shiva and Shakti sitting in a garden came to my head - the scene I had seen in Mahadev. But then, I didn't even need that. Neither positive, nor any other image. My mind was just thoughtless and my body was simply charged.
By the second round of kriya itself I had vibration upon my upper lip. Legs were still numb.
And right after kriya, when I sat down to meditate, there, my entire body began to vibrate. As if there was energy in every pore and I would have burst from it. While experiencing it, I lost time, effect, space, feeling, sensation, everything. I don't know for how long I sat in the same position. And then someone opened the door of the room beside, the vibration of which shook me in my own room and I suddenly realised where was I. But immediately I got into the trance again, no more with as much vibration but a very very void one. I kept on sitting as it is on and aff for a long time. As if I was dieing and getting reborn again and again there. And after I guess third such waking up that I finally lied down.
But I didn't feel relaxed then. Though the bed had never felt better. I could still feel the charge coming out of the place where I had just sat and meditated. My head was then upon the same place and I loved and got affected with it at the same time. Some more time passed and suddenly I began to feel quite restless. As if I had no strength left in my body.
Nasal got choked again. I tried walking but somehow legs were still numb. Don't know what had happened to my legs.
Anyway, it took me many hours of feeling sick and energyless post that. Momsha even did an oil massage of my legs to again ensure blood flow. And gave me steam. After steam, I remembered maybe it could have been the excessive coffee as well that I had taken last night which may have caused my bp to go low. Or maybe it was the meditation which cleansed my system of something and the process tired me as much. I don't know. Neither bed nor waking was giving me any relief. It was a sudden rain I saw outside. Even clicked it. Post which I had a little bread and butter and finally passed out. I had not slept for straight two days and still I found it as difficult to sleep.
Anyway, the entire day I just slept. Thankfully the cough too got sorted. Though I still have a burning sensation in my chest but I am hoping it will also go soon.
The morning for sure was overwhelming and scary at the same time. I felt so so powerful and then so so energyless that the overall experience left me aghast.
12:23
Oh, will share the morning pictures anyway. After all it rained after so long. Though for a very tiny bit. But in good amount. The droplets were thick and I though was feeling sick yet got lucky to experience it.
Imagine, the entire country has so much of rain that many states are going through floods. Am not wishing for that as well. Yet rains are welcome here. It should rain more often in Delhi. Even plants love it. So do I - Showers of blessings.
12:25
Am in my room right now. There is mild yellow light. I no more like this colored light though. Once I loved it. But it reminds me of my Manali days now for I had used the same colored light there and the time was so dark in my life. It now makes me feel sad. But tonight, even the bright white light seemed too much.
Am not getting rest in any position so am sitting for changes I generally don't sit much. Either I stand or I sleep. Momsha tells me so often these days to sit and sit straight - so that the spine stays strong.
12:28
Maybe it is more of air element causing trouble in my system. I hardly go out and I hardly work out. Except basic house chores, my body is not getting much of activity.
12:30
So tell me love!! What should we do tonight? Take my mind outside 'me'. I don't wanna think about me right now.
Ok. Let's talk about Mahadev. Shiva though got a garland of flowers for Shakti but on the way he met with Indra and while in a feud with him, Shivaji's flowers became bhasm. On seeing that state, Parvati who had told Shiva that if he would fail bringing her that garland, she would forget all about him, actually forgot about Shiva. Without Shiva, her 10 selves also got forgotten because wisdom/knowledge in all those forms were all because of her connection with Shiva. Parvati is back to her home now being a princess. She doesn't remember Shiva, Kailasha or even her kids. Yet, her body remembers it as she unconsciously puts sindur while dressing up or her sub concious remembers as she without realising makes dancing images of Shiva and Shakti.
While testing Shiva's love, she gave herself loneliness. While punishing Shiva for his failure, she herself has to undergo such restlessness.
Another interpretation of those flowers I could make out today was our own chakras. Just like each season has its own mood and element of power, so does each chakra. Like summers can be neval chakra because of heat or rainy season can be sacral chakra because of water, spring can be heart chakra for everything is green, so on. I don't know. Just a thought. Anyway mind keeps on connecting the dots. Am still trying to figure out why they did that. For it seems too lame otherwise - getting separated consciously when it's with that much difficulty that they get some personal time together.
12:41
Last night I had this sudden urge too sketch where I had written that poem instead about kaagaz par lakeerein or something. I just couldn't bring myself to it today.
Maybe I will pass out even tonight just to get perfectly alright.
I don't like being energyless, sick or sad at all.
I rather love myself to be brimming with energy, happy, loving laughing, chirping. It's life that I love to see in me. Though these days it's a very different side of it that am experiencing - the silent one.
12:44
Now that so many months have passed that I have smoked up. Life seems quite allright rather great even like this. When I used to smoke up, I used to wonder looking at the non smokers - how do they even laugh or get happy or find any joy in life without smoking up. I used to wonder about my entire first 23 years of life and laugh about how silly was I. Yet more I am growing up, more I often look back upon my teenage of rather childhood self. And it is my own past versions that teach me more about life. Also, see, I laugh, jump, be equally happy, rather am also more aware.
There is no comparison though. I did enjoy even that phase for quite a long time. Rather I had an unsaid rule to not make any non smoker people - my friends - for they were just so not my vibe. Yet, these days, though am not smoking up, also my perspective has tremendously changed, but am feeling better and in no way illusioned. Ofcourse, it is not a normal life. And I have my own company and my family and none else that I interact with. So I don't even know about my tolerance or reaction when blended with external world. Last I checked, it didn't work well - while in a job.
Now though, things are way different. And I am way closer to my own self.
12:51
I wonder, what will I gather from all this if I will read it years later from now. Maybe a sum of all that I am learning these days, or a vibe full of love like am feeling these days. Maybe I will be able to over any possibilities of dark thoughts if they even try to reach closer with way more strength because of these days. Maybe it is time capsule of love, hope, healing, wisdom, spiritual allievation, love, family, self.
12:53
Alright my dearie. Guess am just randomly talking tonight. Haven't even played anything though. Maybe will have something to drink now. Milk, tang, I don't know.
Will take your leave now.
Will try to pass out tonight.
Loads and loads of love for you.
Good night
I love you.
Mmmmuuuaah
........
July 18, 2020
Hey 12. Just got done with a bath. Give me a minute. Will meet you in my room.
12:02
Alright yo! All fresh! So needed it today. It is said, bathing purifies aura. Had to cleanse myself, my vibe.
12:03
Ok then.. I had quite an agitated morning - reason unknown. I just woke up all angry. Did all chores with anger. Didn't even do afternoon meditation. Later, watched Hanna entire afternoon. Finished the second season. They turned the plot to good and bad. And the only lady Hanna ally Hanna had, decided to enter the nucleus and cleanse it from the bad ones by being in power. So was Hanna's decision.
In Mahadev today, Parvati who had lost all her memories related to Shiva, was visited by Ganesha. Parvati couldn't recognise her own son. Ganesha reminded me so much of Pompom. I had always connected Pompom to my Ganesha. Today watching Ganesha in grief reminded me of Pompom. As if he too had come to my life to connect me back to my family and to my own self. I missed him so so much.
Often I wonder would I ever be able to see him again. I so wish to hold my Pompom in my arms and love him. Dear 12, you are all pervasive. Tell my Pompom that I love him so so much. That I miss his naughty acts, his eyes, his vibe, his touch. That I too went into a severe depression after getting seperated from him. That I wish I would have been able to keep him with me forever. That I thought of his own good by sending him off with Abhishek. That if I was better off and settled I would have never ever given him to anyone. That I love him dearly. And kiss him everywhere for me. Upon his forehead, his face, him. Hold him closely, call him the way I used to call him 'Pompom... Pompom'
Sharing his picture with you. I so miss him today.
Even Shiva came to meet Parvati and remind her of her real self. She failed to recognise him. Shiva asked her if she really knew who she really was. He told her to look within and all she could see was light which frightened her. Her response that her person's identity is by his relations and roles seemed inadequate to her. She went into isolation and depression. For she felt restless about not knowing her own entity.
I could so relate at so many levels.
Shiva said, he would guide Parvati towards Ashtang yoga and that her being with her own self was rather a sign of a good student. That she was embracing the path of self recognition.
Vishnu came later and said, the path Parvati would follow would be the way humans would get to meet with God or Cosmos.
Also Shivji defined himself when Parvati asked him about his identity. He said, 'he is nothing. Nothingness is he. He is beyond visions. He is beyond words'.
Aslo he said, 'I'm your Shiva Parvati. And you are my Shakti.'
Yet to watch Parvati's journey. Weird how Parvati wanted Shiva to work towards attaining her back. Yet, it is Parvati herself who is so distressed and now has to undergo all the tapasya herself.
Do we also forget our real selves like her? Do we also need to undergo the journey from something to nothing, from me to us to nothingness. From matter to energy.
Maybe!
12:19
Vibes at home are a bit chaotic today. Also I have a bit of pain in my stomach. And a little cough is still there. Will heal soon.
Ups and downs are heartbeat right!!
12:20
I had made Banana shake today. Maybe will have it. Don't know. Not really feeling like it anymore.
12:20
I had a conversation with an old friend's friend. He is a mutual friend and I know him for many years now. He suggested a business and by chance I had suggested the same idea to my own brother few days back so I had a lot of ideas about it. Maybe it works out. Though everytime I get excited about something, it fails right before happening. So am not excited. Just putting in energy there in a calm and composed manner. Though, it will be really great if it happens.
Sometimes I wonder about all those ambition I had while growing up. Just the other day a Delhi's aquantance though was complementing me but it seemed more like an insult. He said, 'You have your own little world. People are going for e-commerce. Or are doing something or other. You just live in your own world. Are so homely. Femininity reeks out of you.'
Though watching Mahadev has taught me one major thing, 'Na maan ka moh, na apmaan ka bhay.'
Yet things like that sometimes affect me.
Why don't worldly things work out for me? Am well educated, well talented, a very quick learner, so honest, professional, keen learner, dedicated, determined. Why do my own principles get in my way? Why do I meet such lusty bosses or corrupt system? Why don't I get the right atmosphere? It is said, 'we attract our vibe'. I am quite sure that's not my vibe - what I get. What is it that I got to learn?
Earlier I had such high notions about myself and I so disregarded normative that getting there itself was challenging for me. Yet every time I worked, I gave my 100 percent. Though the last job had issues even from my side. For I was still suffering with depression and had vices like pride, arrogance etc. But even the other side wasnt welcoming. It was so so pretentious. So fake. I tried my level best to be fake as well. How else could a hippie girl from mountains had fitted in city vibes. I dressed well, stayed extremely professional. Yet they kept on pestering upon I opening up. I take time. Why were social skills so important when the work I provided was more than perfect? And ofcourse social skills are needed. But maybe I wasn't ready. I don't know. At that time, I felt relieved to be out of those vibes. Yet I cried. For I loved the work I did there. I was so disappointed by their politics and the way I was treated. I had been so honest about all my feelings, my mental state. Still they were barbarous enough to mistreat me.
Anyway, past is past. Let's see, how my life turns up. I so wish to become a widely read author, a well heard song writer and singer, a recognised poet, a world level travel anchor, a life mentor, a vibe dancer to create positive vibes, a recognised painter. Ha ha!
Maybe even cosmos gets confused with such a long list. Can't help. All my passions call me. And ofcourse I have to open a dog shelter for dogs of Manali. I so wish to take all those dogs from there to somewhere else on mountains for people of Manali so don't deserve dogs by the way they treat them. But who am I to decide. Maybe I was prejudiced.
And I want to open a cafe for travellers to come and do their arts. To live there, create and also sell their products there itself.
And then there is a youth's dream of having a caravan. Like Rockstars do. To travel all around with musicians, writers, painters. To do concerts in various cities, publish magzine of our journeys. Make movie of it. Publish photographs of it.
Also, I wish to act in a music video with I merged in nature. Somewhere dancing in forest, cliff jumping in clear pools, raw with wilderness.
So many dreams!!!
Don't consider me crazy. These are all inner calls. Am just sharing.
12:39
Time for some water. Just typing made me thirsty. Ha ha!
12:40
Oh! Do you know - I can weave Macrame jewellery. That was so much my everyday once. Then I left it mid way. Also learned to weave lanterns in Manali in last trip. Also self weaved a crop top for myself. It was such a unique creation to make a top out of ropes.
Maybe will weave something tonight and share the picture of it later.
Can show you my previous works as well. But better still, weave something new right!
Tonight I will.
12:42
Oh! The evening's meditation was quite great actually. It was focussed on concentration. Began with breathing in and holding it for as long as possible then letting it release on its own like a baloon. Thrice such process followed by tightening up the right leg, then left leg, clenching the right arm and side, then left arm and side. Then energy had to felt upon right arm to be sent up till the roof. Then left palm and sending it till roof. Then the erected spine had to held in between these two energy lasers going upwards from both palms. I have forgotten what was I made to do later. In between I had become totally thoughtless. That's a good sign I gues. It is said, meditation is not what we do in all these processes. It is rather the state of nothingness. When one doesn't even remember where one is or is doing. So yeah! It went well.
12:47
Maybe will change something in my body today. What should I do? Cut my hair? Wear a new accesory? Am bored probably. Don't know of my own self or my life. Though I hardly look myself in the mirror these days. Anyway it wasn't ever much.
But it has become all the more rare.
I had to sketch this evening. I was about to, then it suddenly skipped from my head.
It's been months now of living the same kind of life. I don't even talk with anyone outside.
Today I just feel like this. Maybe tomorrow it will feel different. Not like I get so restless everyday. Usually it's calm, composed and a positive feel and vibe.
12:50
Oh! It rained again this morning and evening. Though for short durations both the times. But rain is rain. I value and love it.
12:52
I got to know about another son of Shiva today. His name is Jalandhar. He got created from the angry energy that had come out of Shiva against Indra. The energy got wombed in the ocean and got born as Jalandhar. The story has just begun. The preface says he became Shiva's biggest enemy. I love both Jal and Shiva. This story that's why made me curious. How could they be anti.
But then Jalandhar is different from Jal. Do you know there is a spot below our throat which is called Jalandhar block or something. Unsure of the exact name. Yet to see the entire story to make out any sense of it and connect it to the body as to why is it named after him.
12:55
'One taught me love,
one taught me patience,
one taught me pain...
I'm so fucking grateful for my ex.
Thank you... Next next...'
Ha ha!
Oh this song reminded of another song 'Grapefruit moon' by 'Tom waits' I guess. I used to listen to it a lot long back.
12:57
Alright my love. Will take your leave now. Stay happy and brimming with positive and wise energy.
Loads and loads of love!!!
Keep smiling.
Stay happy!
A gentle brush of my lips behind your nape gently running down towards your lips with fingers making waves upon your spine.
Love!!
Mmmmuuuaaaahhhh
......
July 19, 2020
Hey love, my dear 12
With a huge chunk of Dairy Milk Silk in my mouth I welcome you tonight.
The day went more or less sleeping. I over slept and over dreamed. Also played 'Lily's garden' in the afternoon, but that's about it. Nothing productive. Except the vivid dreams that I had ofcourse.
So the morning's dream had family and relatives all going to Rishikesh or some Ganga's bank. I went alongside and Ganga was so so welcoming, friendly and different from her usual self. I dived in the bliss for a long time, had lot of fun and returned back the same day. The next day however everyone but none took me alongside. I instead tried to teach something to a not so well off looking kid. He though heard me but hardly learned. Instead he kept on changing the topic for the entire time and moment the class was over he happily ran off. Then I realised that there was a huge garden right in my room with a pin in the centre. I wondered how come I never noticed that garden which was in a state of neglect. I was amazed to see those steps, the soil, the plants I could have grown there. Even my room was half open, half closed. The garden was attached or rather a part of it. I woke up both wondering why nobody took me near Ganga and how come I never noticed that place. I woke getting all happy about having my own garden.
Later as I was playing 'Lily's garden' in afternoon, even she found out a long neglected pond in the middle of her garden. Though it was different from what I saw in my own dream. But yeah! It still amazed me. Kind of felt De Ja vous. These days, every time I close my eyes, I mentally solve puzzles of Lily's garden on my own. Even while meditating it happens sometimes.
Oh, and the dream I was having just an hour back was so weird. There was Baloo with his friends in a room. I was sharing it and was trying to wash something on their open washroom. Suddenly the shower pore water on its own and the belley I was wearing along with socks - got wet. Since it was night time, everyone in the room was sleeping. I decided to keep the wet footwear with socks - outside to be dried, so I stepped silently outside carefully closing the door behind. I was looking for a place to keep them all the while walking barefoot on a muddy outer area and suddenly I don't know why, I just decided to take a walk.
It was too dark. The shops were closed. I was dressed in a mini blue skirt with micro mini boxers inside. I suddenly found myself on a street where few school girls were passing by and it suddenly seemed fragmented day light. I was confused about the time so I asked them, 'Hi, what time is it?' They laughed at me and replied 'aap nashe mei ho'. It felt weird for I was sure I wasn't. I told them, 'No, it's because I woke up and suddenly came out.' They didn't believe and walked by.
Suddenly a handsome looking guy with a luggage bag in his hand passed by. Don't remember if it was just a casual recognition or was it just out eyes that met. Anyway, he passed by.
I further walked. Met a random guy walking outside a shop or something outside which I wanted to fix something in my dress or feet. Don't know. He said something and I realised it to be Banarasi accent. I told him I have a friend living nearby who was also from Banaras. He smiled, all too happy, just because I was interacting with him.
I further walked, after budding him a smily fairwell. All of sudden my boxers we're creating an issue. Somehow my skirt was going inside my own boxers. I was finding it all too uncomfortable. And yes, I wasn't walking anymore. Instead I was gliding in air. Like a foot or two above ground. Following the same road, but not walking, just swiping in air.
There was a long road as well, where I almost glided way higher than road towards an almost full moon suddenly visible then fading off. The moon was pretty but mysterious. And even if I was loving to fly towards it, but the night was pretty dark and bit scary.
I reached another lane..
Removed the boxers don't know how to wear them back properly. But suddenly I noticed so many people on road beside. The shops were suddenly open. And then I found a group of people from grad time sitting by the road maybe beside fire or just like that. One of them asked about my well being, how I was, how my leg was (shockingly), and though I sat down with them for a minute, but I got a very unwelcoming vibe from half of them. Specially the girls. They all seemed way conservative and way opinionated. So I walked on.
On the way, I found a group of girls, maybe from school time or don't know. So yeah, I walked beside them for a bit - all this while trying to return to the room, but realised suddenly that the lane wasn't the correct one. So I smiled and told them that I have to split up because my way was different. They didn't mind. Casually walked on. I still had shorts in my hands to be worn under my skirt and there were so many shops open. Weirdly though it was still dark. I wasn't able to figure out the exact time.
The sky too was changing shades. As if it had got dark middle of the day. Anyway, I tried to find a secluded lane to wear my boxers once again.
As I was juggling with my jacket behind and a tiny bag upon my shoulders and boxers in my palms and was just about to wear them in a secluded lane that the same handsome guy I had seen earlier - suddenly chance met me again. This time he did speak. He said, 'Why don't you wear them later, once you reach back to your place? Why struggle here?' I replied, 'When you share a room with a group of guys, you got to be responsible to not be outright!' He smiled and gently took my bag and jacket from my hands, in order to help me out. As I handed him my jacket, he pointed to so many hair of mine that came alongside. He said, 'Isnt it too much to shed?' Even I was shocked. I had such extra long locks in my dream. And so many of them were there along with my jacket now. As if somebody made a cut with a scissor or something. Like half a wig hanging from my jacket. I ran a hand down the remaining locks on my head and realised so many came through my fingers again.
Anyway, I let it go. Wore my boxers finally and began to walk alongside him as he handed me my bag and jacket. He was quite attractive. Though I found out the possibly correct way to the room but I didn't want to go back.
I kept on walking beside him for he didn't know where I had to go right! I asked him what he did and he told me some reputed position in Sri Sri University. My eyes lit up. I named, 'Oh, Sri Sri Ravishankar ji? Hey, have you done any course there? My mom and bhai and big time followers. I too have done many courses there earlier.'
He smiled and shrugged his shoulders. Said, 'Many ask me the same question. I haven't really gone for any spiritual class there.'
We kept on walking together. This time on the same road where I had earlier flown towards the moon. Though I was walking away from that room, but I was liking it - walking beside him. He still had his luggage bag wheeling beside. I was half hoping for him to ask him to walk with him for a little while.
That's it. I woke up at 11 PM my love. Had a bath and here we are.
Such a long description of my dream know. Please don't consider me crazy. I just happen to remember my dreams quite at length sometimes.
12:41
Tang!!! Tangy kiss for you.
Oh! Last night I was too upset to do anything. I value weaving macrame jewelry too much. I feel, I weave vibes there. I didn't want to weave a negative vibe. So I dived into my own YouTube videos.
Also, generally during my dates with time, places too mean a big deal. I try to express a bit more about the cities I date time in. This time though, I hardly made it a highlight. It's just home that I feel am living in. Not even Delhi for am so out of touch with Delhi vibes.
Anyway, I found out two kick-ass videos of Qutub Minar and Tughlaqabad that I had covered probably in 2016. I have used such fine poetry there. Though editing and all is quite immature for it was very initial phase of my video editing skills. Yet, I liked the videos and could connect to the urdu poems metaphorically a lot. Wanna watch?
Later, I found out some eye opening videos of mine from Bangalore. It began from Yercaud - remember I told you abouy the place where I had connected with trees for the first time??? Yeah! I found out that beat boxing video where Chocu and I drowned into insane sounds and laughed so so much. It is one fun filled video and made me laugh so much.
https://youtu.be/IUkmd2MMQmg
Then I found a series of videos that Chocu and I used to make together. I had kept them hidden and locked for many years now for they were all drunk talks and though at that time they seemed so cool and had got me soooo many views, but later I felt a bit embarrassed about them, for we were drunk in all those videos and I had not really censored any unrequired parts. They were long raw conversations discussing life, world, people, dimensions. We even used to bitch about office directly. There was a lot of laughter and lot of meaning.
My own self inspired me last night. It was an eye opener. I realised, not only my Bangalore days were the best days of my life, but also, I was the best version of myself there. There is just so much of freedom, wisdom and energy - so clearly visible in those videos. I wish I become the 2015 version of mine. It was the best - honestly. All these things I am learning these days as knowledge, I just them inside already at that time, without even realising it.
Yeah! I was drunk in all those videos, but the love and energy and wisdom was unfiltered and so so contagious.
Had I been a guy, I would have fallen n times for such a girl and wouldn't have ever let her go.
Few links, I will share. Though they are still private. Maybe will change the privacy setting to 'unlisted'. Though I couldn't find the option last night.
Anyway, the videos suddenly gave me a reality check. I got confused between living all this mellow life, my religious covers and subtle low self or being full power energetic, reckless, careless yet so caring and full of love. I got confused between this self which is homely and that self which was independent and free.
Though, I also know that one must live in present. That even if I go to Bangalore, the place must have changed. Those people ofcourse won't be in my life. And my life will be way different from what it was then. And ofcourse all these experiences have also added on in all these years that have passed. Would I fit in as well??? Don't know. I have changed tremendously - is what I know. There was a girl I remembered in one of my offices. Her name was Priyanka and she too was a Virgo. She came back after a long disease and was all cranky and often fighting in office. I could connect to her being with my own self in my previous job. Though I wasn't as loud. But probably I was as depressed.
I miss my happy self. The full power girl. Mystical Wanderer.
1
Hi One!!!
Welcome!
Hope you are happy.
Am leaving though.
Catch you some other time.
You my darling 12. Will take your leave now. Loads of love. Good night. Sorry if I bored you with all those dreams. People around me don't really appreciate this habit of mine. Just, my dreams dazzle me often times. And the kind of detail I remember, it just impresses me how we kind of watch movies in our own heads.
Work of sub concious.
I do also go for dream interpretations sometimes. But I now remember most of these interpretations of common occurences in my dreams like flying, moon, luggage etc.
Cool yo!!! Bye bye!!! Loads of love.
A full on kiss right on your lips along with a tight embrace.
Mmmmmmmmmmuuuuuuaaaahhhh
.........
July 20, 2020
Yo my love, my dear 12...
Welcome to our world. How are you? It's lightening outside. Last entire day it rained insanely. Though I didn't go out, nor did I checked it out much in morning. Maybe that's why Jal punished me and hurt me today when I surrendered to its love. Yet I was quite boosted last night by the voice of rain. Also my friend Sam called and while interacting with him, I finally weaved a macrame neckpiece for me. Wanna chack out? See!
I will wear it and show it to you later. Though I had even washed my hair this afternoon to dress up later and pose in my neck piece but something happened and to avoid my upset state of mind, I slept off.
Oh, I did a lot of gardening today. Though it had lesser toil, more activity. I went on terrace to beget baby saplings from pots of my neighbours. Since those saplings were extra for they had full fledged grown up plants, I took the baby saplings of those plants that I don't have in my portico.
Though it felt a bit like stealing and I was concious all the time 'what it some one comes.' but then, I want really taking any commodity. And I do mean to give these plants new life and environment. And had those people been there, I wouldn't have minded to ask them directly if I could take few. Except, I didn't want to take an obligation. And since they too are plant lovers, I hope they would understand.
I don't want any gardener to come inside im current situation. Nor are we going to any nursery. And why not have many breeds. I did sow seeds as well. Also outside. And momsha has left her fully grown plants on their terrace as well earlier. So I guess, it's all balanced. And alright.
Also, I have noticed it gives me this weird thrill. I have never stolen anything else in my life from anyone. Just this act of going out and fetching new plants - from parks, neighbours, random places - and adding them - gives me a strange thrill.
I also try to understand it. Sometimes it feels so wrong. Sometimes not so wrong. Sometimes even noble - for I pick the neglected plants growing somewhere on the peripheries of walls - neglected by people and society. And I bring them home, care for them. But who knows if they like to be there on the ground itself - unnoticed by the world, in their own solitude. Who knows? Not like I pluck out the entire plant ever. Just a stem of it. Or one tiny small sapling with root. Yet, I also realise that plants are sold and bought. And I haven't bought them. Yet sometimes the 'nature goddess' in me plays. She feels everything belongs to nature. There should be no possessiveness. The same used to be my dillemna even in Manali. I used to wonder if I should pluck out apples and eat them or not. There were days when I felt so free and forest girl that I used to free about it, and pluck out any apple whenever I felt hungry and eat it. Yet there were days when I felt so many people actually care for these trees. They grow apples in orchards to take care of their families. If every tourist gonna eat apples plucking them out, instead of buying them, how would the locals survive?
So you see... It's mixed. This feeling in me about nature and natural entities and right of people upon it.
12:17
In Mahadev today, Ganesha went to meet Parvati as a guru's disciple when she realised a need for guru. Ganesha took her to Shiva by a tough path calling his guru as Adiyogi.
Yet to see the rest. Momsha and bhai are still watching it. I had to meet you ofcourse.
12:20
I felt great talking to Sam last night. We sang songs - so many of them and with rain happening outside, it became quite happy. Also made a cheese tomato toast for myself with a side slice of malai, complemented with a mug of coffee.
12:21
The other day I had burned my hand by mistake. The skin peeled off today. I applied a coat of nail paint to avoid any pain from exposure to wind or water. Also water hurt me today. Also my own head was out of place. Sleeping seems like the best therapy to me at all kinds of pains. It heals me, helps me avoid situations, gives my body rest... And yeah! Sometimes the dreams are exotic.
This evening I had an interesting dream. Don't remember much except that there was an office space where an old employ working for the same company but somewhere else had visited our office. All my bosses were specifically introducing him to me and then passing by to a common gathering. They were all saying, 'He is also from your Manali'... The guy was quite handsome with a little sprinkle of silver hair. I got curious about the meeting and though I wasn't much confident and had never attended their sessions there, I decided to go and attend. As I sat down, the visiting handsome guy suddenly said from behind, 'Maine subah se kuch nai khaya. Bhookh lagi hai mujhe'. He said it so innocently that I began to laugh middle of the gathering. I was dressed quite hippie like despite of it being a formal setting. Guess I was proud and comfortable in my raggy wears.
So yeah! That's what I remember.
12:28
I had decided to make kokedamas today. Couldn't. Have plants ready, soil set, have even managed a jute rope for it. The rope is making me excited to craft something out it soon.
Before Jal hurt me, I had such a nice concept about a video for that kokedama guy. I was conceptualizing it all artistically while bathing. Then, I got hurt.
Later my mind flipped. And later I passed out. Neither I made kokedamas, nor that video. Nor could I text back significantly to that Mumbai friend who was discussing business with me the other day.
12:31
Don't know why and how but I have been feeling feverish for three four days now.
Heal me dear 12 with your love.
Oh, do you know, in my macrame this morning, I used 12 strings together for the first time.
Also, the roses that are done behind too were an original and first time creation.
12:34
Somewhere on FB I chance watched a video of Koala bears today. They are such cute animals. I just never knew about their existence. They are only found in Australia and that's why the country too is recognised with Koalas. They are herbivorous. Friendly, lovable, cuddly bears. I fell in love with a baby Koala. Though they live in Eucalyptus forests for that's their only diet. Aah! How I wish to have a Koala friend.
It was truly remarkable. Though they are reducing in number which made me concerned. How few souls can capture your soul from another corner of earth. I have never even been outside India as yet. And yet I could so connect to Koala bears and feel this sudden urge to go and embrace them. And love them.
12:40
I am feeling a bit suffocated these days. Bored. Though there is so much to do. But I seek out dont know why, these days.
And ofcourse these are Corona days. None can go anywhere. Though the world is up and running. But how much and how safely - who knows. When will this Corona end? My life didn't change much. But now I feel all bounded by these conditions. Maybe Corona is not responsible. It's rather my own head and my own mess. Help me my love - to be better. Help me to be loving, compassionate and clear sighted. Guide me to the right path. Help me emit love and light around. Help me heal others.
12:44
I am still sleepy. Ha ha!
Sometimes I amaze my own self with my unlimited capacity both in high and low - may it be any sense.
12:46
Alright my love. Will take your leave now. Not much in a mood to talk. Hardly did anything to think or discuss about. Will catch you tomorrow. .
Loads of love
Good night
Mmmnnnmmuuuuuuaaaaahhhhhhh
.......
July 21, 2020
Hey my love, am late by 6 minutes tonight. Was doing the dishes for past 20 minutes and before that was watching an old classic 'Padosan' with Momsha to cheer her up. She had been really upset for past two three days. So was I. We finally argued, discussed and now all is fine. I guess some fights are essential to release the pressure. They refill the life in the same space after creating a pressure and then suddenly releasing it.
She is also undergoing work issues. When I upset momsha it's different, but when someone else upsets her, I feel bad. Like this lady in her school who plays politics and though momsha does her work with so much dedication, hard work and love and yet she has to suffer sometimes.
I feel so angry when anyone upsets my loved ones. May it be gf of my brother whom I heartily dislike or any outsider who causes trouble in the life of my momsha, bhai, papa or nani's family.
I also hurt papa today on phone which I didn't want to, yet it happened. Maybe it happened for the best. Though I was sorry.
And I was also sorry to have hurt my mom and bhai.
I don't understand why I get so rude. I love them a lot. And I don't mean to hurt them. Yet I do.
12:13
This movie was quite fun 'Padosan'. Light and musical. It has few very good songs like 'Mere saamne waali khidki mei' (reminded me of MK's singing) and 'Meri Pyaari Bindo' and even 'Ik Chatur naar' etc. Kishor Kumar had not only sung in the movie but also acted so well. Though it's quite light and a bit lame yet fun to watch. I would have finished had our meeting had not landed up. Not like I regret it. I love talking to you. Just, my state of mind changed so tremendously ever since I began to be thankful for it that I felt a bit scared of sharing my happiness here. Yet, the discussion this evening about 'Nature of mind' was talking about the same thing. It said that mind has 'dualistic nature'. That we should avoid all kinds of extremes. Even when we say that we shouldn't think negative, this monkey mind of ours then create an image of negative that shouldn't ne thought about and hence rather thinks of that negative. Also, whenever we are happy, there is a sad version existing equally. The key is to remain neutral. To be calm in all situations. And to train the mind to avoid extremes.
Also, to control the mind is essential specially because our emotions carry intense power to even overcome logic, reasoning or knowledge.
Love, peace and harmony has to be focussed on rather than conflict and hate. Love too should be unconditional. It is because of the ego that we all wear around that all issues happen. If we focus on love and an unconditional one and if we go deep and solve out our own unresolved issues then living will be better and control on mind will help us in staying away from any sorrow.
12:22
Today I found few of my pictures from Yercaud. Let me share a few.
Oh, another thing I learned today was that our mind has its own little world and most of the thoughts we have are not even practical. Instead we keep on shuffling or linking our thoughts to our own memory grooves. This made me realise how though in these blogs of dating time, I too keep on fluctuating between past, present and future.
Just the other day, I found a proof of time being stable and instead our conciousness running in it. Like different times as different stations and our minds running upon it. In order to utilise each stop, we must be disciplined. Yet time is all pervasive. All land. It is rather the mind that runs.
Still I date you dear time. And have been doing it for last rive years. Also can see so many changes. Wonder if time changed or I changed. If life changed or my perspective or attitude changed.
Yet we create our reality.
I am. Therefore the world exists for me.
'I am.' - is a beautiful way of understanding life.
12:27
Give me two minutes love. Will be back.
12:31
Momsha is really upset today. One of her friends - who she knew from childhood - passed away. She has a 25 year old son. They were just two of them. And now that she is gone. The son would have to live alone at home. Momsha is really upset both for her friend and her son.
I don't know how to help her in her pain. Just, I want her to be calm and happy again.
12:33
It's raining outside. Quite a fine weather. Would have probably gone out, just I don't even like terrace and darkness anymore. Don't know what the heart seeks.
12:34
The other day, Sam gave me a huge lesson. He asked me if I was playing any instrument. That it was a pity that I had so many instruments yet not playing any of them. I told him, if there was one instrument that I was comfortable with and could even compose in it, then it was Harmonica. But not the one I possessed now but the small one that I was given as a prize by a friend earlier which I lost somehow. He said 'Sanson ka hi to khel hai baba.' and asked me why I don't play the one I have now.
I told him that the guy who gifted me this one had a dark vibe and I mostly threw off or donated any stuff that he had gifted me. Sam gave an amazing line to that. He said, 'Negative ko positive bnana hi to teri ada hai baba. Tu to roton ko bhi hansa deti hai. Fir ye instrument kya cheez hai. Apni vibe se dark ko bright bna de'. I loved his lines. They gave me a huge lesson and reminded me of my own powers.
Suddenly fear got dissolved. Will play it. And will change the vibes to good ones.
12:39
Do you know what's my favourite instrument? It's violin. I even have one. The first instrument that I had bought. Even went for few classes. But the teacher was way money minded. Wish I had continued then. Even now, if I will really try, possible I can learn it. I even took it down from the cupboard. Found it locked with the key lost. I tried breaking the lock. The case got a dent and I don't want to cause another dent in the case. Majorly because I was unsure of my determination or ability. Like there is a guitar kept as well in the room. That is not locked. Yet I don't practice it. I got into it a bit in the beginning of lockdown. Then one day bhai took it after a fight. Then I lost interest. Don't know how I manage to be so passionate about something and then suddenly losing all my interest in it. Though I have never lost my passion or love for music. But to practice an instrument for long, needs a deep felt connection to it. Somehow I couldn't form it ever.
Yet I was more into percussion. Used to play Congo in my entire school time. Even now, am better with beats. But somehow fail to create magic with strings. Keyboard was another instrument that I was comfortable with. Even have a small one. It runs on battery. Will ask momsha to take it out probably. As a song writer atleast one instrument is really helpful to give scales and compose new melodies. Though when I write, it all comes from inside. I don't really write. It gets written on its own.
12:46
Am thinking of researching more about aromatic indoor plants. It would be great know to have fragrances of live plants hanging mid air - right in the room as kokedamas. Aah! When will I get to it?
12:47
It's MK's birthday tomorrow. What do you think? Should I wish him? Just one month back I decided to wish even the people who had wronged me. I thought none else should feel what I felt last year. But what's the point of dragging on connections which mean nothing to other souls? Yet if I could wish so many, why not even MK? Isn't it my own ego?
12:50
Oh! This afternoon I had a very weird dream. Even my ex was there. Maybe because Sam and I discussed him for a bit the other day. Who knows.
There are few people you just won't want to see again even in dream. The dream had few such people. Also there were rabbits who were caged earlier and I freed them. Even got clicked with them.
12:52
Maybe will sketch tonight. Been a long time. Reminds me of my favourite song again.
'It's been a long day
Without you my friend
And I tell you all about it
When I see you again'.
12:53
Alright my love...
Will catch you tomorrow.
Maybe tomorrow I will be more colorful and have vibrant stories to share.
Loads of love.
Stay safe. Stay calm.
Keep smiling.
Om Namah Shivaya
Love you. A lot. A lot.
Mmmmmmuuuuaaaahhhhh
.......
22 July, 2020
Hey my love, my dear 12 AM
Welcome with a yummy Mango shake fused with icecream and sprinkled with Almonds, raisins and pomegranates. It feels so exotic. I was missing this feel. Came out really well.
The day went quite balanced. Did a lot many things including sleeping, gardening, plaiting my hair in two, basic chores, and how can I forget the sketch I did early morning.
My love, behold! I did a sketch all dedicated to you.
See!!!
Even wrote a poem. Sharing the post's link. This one is my art profile on Insta. Not so updated. Yet, has few of my creations.
Mango Shake is oh so yum!!! It's real pleasure to drown in right now. Orgasm in my taste buds. Ha ha!
12:04
Oh, tried a couple of hairstyles. Also wrote a poem while enjoying rain and greenery in my portico this afternoon.
And here's a picture of what I wrote.
12:05
I applied to many companies this evening. This time to the sector I want to work in with a hope to tap into the right platform. I had never believed in reference. The lost job too though I had got after undergoing an interview but the approach wasn't formal. I already knew the director from last year regarding job itself. Anyway, he was a stupid self obsessed guy and I am thankful to get rid of him. I wonder how his wife tolerates his over talking and I also pity the producer's daughter and wife who have to live with a cheapster like him. Try as I do, I feel unable to get rid of this anger I have for both of them. Yet this time am affirmative to not repeat my mistakes. One to take on as much work as anybody gives no matter it falls in my share or not. I had raised my voice against it there for I saw fat ideal people not doing their work and instead I was told to do even their share of work. I said, It was not a part of my profile. That became an issue probably for people are not used to hearing 'No'. It's weird how males have this huge ego and authorities anywhere are not humble rather superficial and not at all flexible.
So yeah! If I have to work, I have to become a Yes person. No matter how much work they give or of whosever's share, I have to willingly take it.
Another, I have to be strong enough to raise my voice the moment someone wrongs me. Like this producer could become gross with me in his room by saying, 'andar kuch hai jo kabhi nahi badalta. Insta par account bna kar gfs bnani hain.' I should have had strength to publically say it out loud. Instead I still respected him or rather got insecure about my own job. No. Next time if at all anybody dares any such vulgur act like he did or like the director used to do by touching me again and again in. Meeting room below the table or tapping on my shoulder or giving me hints of his expected connection, I would simply voice it out rather than avoiding meeting all together or meeting those people in person.
No. Next time, I will fucking scrutinize any such person.
Aah! When will I learn Krishna's ways to make out my way smartly?
Why do I even meet such situations?
Why is patriarchy so much a part of the system?
12:16
Even at home, my brother is not expected to do any household chore. Also because he makes people meditate and take their long courses. And I am presently not persuing anything professionally. Yet! I don't understand this inequality.
Why are only women expected to do household chores. It is their choice as well. Like momsha loves home and she loves it in a certain way and that's why she puts in effort in it. Yet, why is it that only I am expected to contribute in household chores and not he.
Though if I think about it or rather when I do it, the work is not much. Had I been an only child, even then, I would have done the same work right? Still this thought occurs so many times in my head - why this inequality?
Like papa can stay outside. Live his chosen life. And momsha has to do it all. Ofcourse, it's their life and their choices as well. But in childhood too it was the same.
While I love both my bhai and papa as well. And I do understand that this is how society is conditioned. Including my mom. And it is in the same household that I have got so much of freedom to become who I am. That I was given as many oppertunities that anyone else. Yet, this mindset is more rooted I feel. Like deep in, I am expected to get married and get household chores fixed, and cook well, and understand my responsibilities when it comes to home and bhai is expected to earn and take care of outside work. His only work is to fetch commodities from the market. Which ofcourse he only has to order online. That's it.
Mom says, I shouldn't discriminate. That I should love enough to take on as much work as I can. That one shouldn't run from work in any sphere. That more responsibility we take, more authority we gain.
And yet, I have huge issues with anything unfair anywhere. Though I too don't do as much as I should. Instead it is momsha who takes care of so so much of work both inside and outside. Yet, I feel angry about it at large, not just at home but even outside in every household, in offices, in every pore of society.
12:24
Like in office, I as an assistant director should have been taken to assist atleast in directing the scripts that I had written. Instead, the director took all writing credits and then chose his own team everywhere for I was a girl. And though secretly he kept on tapping upon his expectations, yet he couldn't take me along when it came to work saying 'log kya kahenge'.
I don't understand this.
There was this other guy. A musician. He contacted me regarding song compostion. I said, 'why not?' I would love to write a song for you. Also, probably we can jam along sometime. He said, 'Alright. Just we have to keep it a secret. For my gf won't accept me working along with another girl.' How sick is that!!! I replied, 'I don't understand how gender meddles in when it comes to creating an art together. And still, if your gf will have any issue, we better not create anything at all. Love comes first. Tc.'.
And that's it.
And ya, there was this other guy who had assured me that once I come back from Bangalore, he would help me release a song on the condition that I won't sing it but will be a part of it as a song writer. I agreed. When I came back, he had another condition. He said, 'I will help you to create your music only when you will get married to me.' How lame was that. A middle aged lazy man, with whom I didn't share such connection at all, had the guts to assure me professional support at the cost of sacrificing my personal life. Wow!!
12:30
Anyway! Don't know, how I got carried away. Anyway, patriarchy is deep rooted and though I am not a feminist, yet I am an individual who believes in equality when it comes to living. And I get offended when I see so many males making use of their gender and overpowering women here and there like what happened in my office. I was simply chucked out because I was strong, didn't become a slave, didn't flatter them or their ego and didn't succumb to their ulterior motives.
Aah!!! Probably it was required to take it out today to begin afresh...
Hope I get better conditions in the next job. Or hope I be more powerful and sensible in the next work.
12:35
Give me two minutes love. Will be right back.
12:37
Alright yo! So, in Mahadev today, Shakti got a bit closer to learning about her real self. Shiva made her wait for him. She had to wait beyond her capacity and it only then that her ego (ahem) broke and Shiva then came and picked her in her lap. And in her semi daze condition he gave her a bit of her power back. Gradually she is moving upon the Ashtang yog path.
Also, Jalandhar had to conquer his anger. I learned a huge lesson from that section. So Shukracharya made him throw an arrow upon a tree (to be assumed as his enemy). It hit right on spot. And then he made him angry by reminding him of his injustice and then told him to throw another arrow upon the same tree. This time he missed. 'Anger affects our focus. It is our creation. We our it's master. And therefore we can control it. It lives outside us.' - is what he taught. And then he told Jalandhar to stay underwater and master his breaths and anger. It is only when he conquered his anger that he became a replica of Shiva only the more powerful and blue version of him.
I too had huge anger issues. Though I am learning to control it gradually and the sudden anger pangs that too without any reason have reduced trememdously now, still, I learned, how important it is to have a control upon our anger.
12:43
It is MK's Happy to you today. I will wish him. For the last song he sang for me was of the movie 'Kalank'. And later when I had watched it, it gave me a lesson of always choosing love over hate.
Also, Momsha gave a huge lesson last night after our meet. She too spoke something about unconditional love. And how it shouldn't be affected by wether the other is reciprocating or not or how much is the other person contributing to it. I have forgotten the conversation now. But the jist was surely 'Love without conditions.'.
Also, I had never really seen us to be together forever for sometimes he behaved like gay, or sometimes he just seemed not interested or sometimes it just didn't occur to my mind. I was always sure that we were not meant to be together forever. Yet the bond I felt for him and the love that always popped in my soul and never faded was so so strong that it rather made me think about it much later, 'why not?' I even thought of it this way that was it just his singing or he in person that I loved. But I realised it was rather his vibe that had taken me. And I have loved him in all ways. Even in his worst of times. Even while he was just asleep not even talking to me. We hardly ever spoke much, yet just his presence was somehow enough for me. And that's another thing that still dazzles me. For I with so many thoughts, ideas, interests - why do I even love him??? I just don't know. Though it was his voice that had pulled me but it was his vibe that made me his. Still, love and relationships are entirely different subjects. Maybe we are just not meant to be bounded in any relationship. Who knows??? Anyway he seems so distant now.
Yet! I will for sure wish him. For love never fades. And will remain so even years from now.
12:51
Something has happened to my skin. I don't feel as pretty as till two three days back. I have to feel the same glow. Want to wear something pink in color to wear that macrame neckpiece I made. And then click myself in it. Will even made a live video.
Aah! This reminds me of a girl who is these days coping my style of coming live. So earlier I used to wear different macrame pieces with comfortable open necked tops and come live. She is trying to the same. Though I used to read poems and she is amazing with ukelele and her voice. But she is trying to come live in my style - this am sure of.
But then, even the air is recycled. Originality is just a myth probably. Who knows.
12:55
Alright my love!!! Time for me to go!!! Will catch you tomorrow.
Sorry for all that cribbing. Sometimes the complaint mode gets on. Though I feel hugely relieved. Thank you for lending me an ear.
And yeah!!! My bestie Ashi from Bangalore is getting re-married the end of this month. I hope she finds true love and happiness this time.
And my bestie from Delhi 'Chocolava' / 'Preru' had a good amount of chat with me this morning which is rare and I loved every second of it. She is one person with whom I do any kind of 'Bakchodhi' and I really care for her.
12:58
Sayonaaaraa my love...
Take care...
Mmmmmmmmmuuuuaaaahhhh
Stay happy.
Stay blessed.
Loads of love for you.
A heart felt smile with twinkle in my eyes... Farewell!!!
Catch you tomorrow.
.....
23rd July, 2020
Hey 12, my darling. My love.
Wait, let me grab my left over coffee of evening now being heated again.
And I can't wait to share so much of happiness today with you.
12:02
Alright yo!!! Have just had a bath... In so much of bliss and yes - the most precious thing - I finally had a conversation with MK in afternoon. Though I had called him last night post our conversation at 1 as well, but probably he was sleeping. So this afternoon gave me the joy of hearing his voice and knowing that he is not in Mumbai as I feared. Instead he is safe at home on Hills in Uttarakhand. I don't know what magic his spirit has, but I feel so so joyous even to hear his voice, look at his face, be anywhere near him. And so was the call as well. He teased me about so many things. Laughed throughout. And so did I. He was glad that I am better healed. Also he applauded to know that I haven't smoked up for past five months.
He even invited me to his village though I replied with 'What if you don't pick up like last time?' (He had ditched me when I had decided to get Pompom adopted by one of his friends). He said, 'No, No, I am free and at home this year.' Anyway, I am not considering it. I am just happy here at home. But his words were enough to make me happy.
That's his quality know. He just makes everyone his. He asks personal questions - very casual yet very important. Though he doesn't get into serious talks. But all laughing he still ensures a connection. Everyone loves him. He has a gift when it comes to social relations. He respects everyone. Though he had surely insulted me so many times. But sometimes I do get the reason. I have been so naive in love. Just never bothered about the other's situation. But I expect honesty and clarity. I don't get hidden agenda behind rebukes. The child sensitive heart inside gets hurt.
Though now I do understand many things.
And yes, one more thing I realised. It wasn't just I missing his so long. Even he kept a track of my life despite of the fact that I had blocked him on FB. He knew all about me - even the color of my hair, that I felt a bit fat some time back, that I feel happier now.... Everything... Everything...
He knew much more about me than I knew about him.
Maybe because his friends stayed in contact with me and loyal to him. I don't have any friends of mine in contact with him. And I never asked his friends about him except ofcourse for his number. Imagine, had even deleted his number long back to stop myself from calling him.
Not like I will be nudging still. This conversation was still a bliss. It made me so happy that I kept on smiling throughout day.
But the fact that many of his friends dared to misbehave and he still took their side stays in my head. So I don't make any castles in air.
I do try to think of it this way that Shiva has all ganas and they are primitive yet Shakti had to accept all of them and love them as it is. But there is a difference between being a certain way and treating others a certain way. Also, a person is known by his friends. Though I too have had all kinds of people in my life. And that literally means all colors of the spectrum. But humanity was common in all. And none of my friends dared to insult any of my other friends. Maybe he feels the same. For he doesn't know what they did to me. He just knows what they told him.
Whatever! Not like I will be clarifying or giving any explanations.
I did what I felt right. It is for him to decide what he feels right.
Yet the love remains. And this one call gave me immense joy and happiness.
12:21
The main switch is getting tripped again and again. I don't know why. This diverted my entire attention.
Oh, last night I had a long conversation with a random guy on FB. So we have been having a text chat since 2015 in different stretches. I didn't know him personally. Just a bit here and there that I responded to in last five years. Anyway, He seemed pretty depressed and I thought maybe by talking to him I could give him some solace. We began a conversation but he first got into so many facts specifying years and tiny unrequired details. Later, He messaged me some link. Even in the last chat he had bombarded me with so many links of his work that this time I just told him to not share any further links. You know what? He made the entire conversation by sharing links verbally. I don't know who gave him the responsibility of my career but suddenly he began to bombard me with various programmes happening abroad, and art festivals and institutions. Though at that time it seemed quite informative. I even tried to take it positively say Bengali people go all around the world and they do ensure the growth of their own community. This guy tried helping me out with whatever he knew. But the point was that I wasn't ready for it - first thing. Also, I had not asked me for so much. Also, he just kept on throwing ways where he couldn't walk to the point of making me Google 'Curator' and being lame about it that 'you can also become that'. Lol!!!
So, where I wanted to give him peace, positivity and a friendly ear, he instead gave me anxiety, good for nothing links and a big time wastage. Later I couldn't even sleep and regretted calling him. It's quite late that I passed out. Woke up in afternoon and the entire schedule became topsy turvy.
Thank God for the conversation with MK, which made me so so happy.
I won't ever be talking to that FB guy - that's for sure. My guts were telling me that it wasn't worth it. Yet this humanity inside fucking wasted my energy and time.
Why don't people know how to make a casual conversation and be light headed. Why do they fill their heads with sooo many unnecessary facts that they boggle out others.
12:31
Try as I might, I just couldn't take him to be a cosmic sign. He did open up few gateways in my head. But I knew many of those things and had passed them earlier. Also, am at a different phase of life. His suggestions could have been for my past self. Not the one in present. And he didn't even try knowing it. Instead just dumped his own mental garbage upon me. Ironically, reminds me of the electronic garbage he informed me about. Probably all his information was the same. Outdated information of his own head.
Anyway, hope it went well for him. For I didn't do any such thing. Weird though, I too for some time dropped down to telling him about my life's phases. Though it got cut down thankfully. Would have regretted it otherwise. Not everyone deserves my story, or my time, or my energy.
Just the aftertaste of that conversation was really really bad.
12:35
What else??? Right now am dressed in white. Though tonight, I will surely wear something pink and take few pictures in that macrame piece. Oh! Do you know, I even thought of weaving another piece alongside that conversation with that FB guy last night. The threads got tangled. The beads fell down. Shit!!! It was so chaotic his state of mind. I am glad, I didn't weave anything. Surely didn't want his vibe.
And imagine the other day, while talking to Sam, it was the conversation which gave it it's musical flow and beauty.
12:38
In Mahadev today, Shivji dressed as Adiyogi or a guru told Parvati to bath before beginning her learnings. She went for it and came back all dressed again. He again and again made her take multiple baths 'untill you feel every drop upon your every pore'. I could so relate for thats how I connect to Jal. Also, both outer and inner cleanliness is essential. Say, even the thoughts need to be pure.
Shakti was then sent to Kashi along with Gunesha (whom Shiva gave a new name 'Nitesh' - representing the pain that he as a son has to undergo while craving for his mother's love). There, few asuras saw Shakti as powerless and tried to abduct her. I got reminded of my Manali days. Anyway, though Shakti didn't remember her powers and even Ganesha had gone to fetch some food for them, Shiva came like a hero and saved her.
Sometimes I get way romantic. Like in that one moment of seeing Parvati standing behind Strom Shiva - there to protect his wife - emotionally, psychologically, physically, socially.
Though I love Shakti's powers as well. And I love the fact that she indeed represents energy. And sometimes I do find even Mahadev a bit patriarchal. Yet, I watch it usually metaphorically where Shakti is the base chakra's energy and Shiva is wisdom and all gods represent different energies in our own bodies.
But in this, I still loved Shiva coming over personally to save her. So ideal a version of a partner - someone who is strong, sensible, wise, loving, pure, innocent, pious, ad infinitum.
12:46
Oh! The other day, momsha told me about another metaphor. Where Vishnu can be seen as Pineal gland and the '........ Sagar' or the waterbody he resides in - is the liquid in our heads which holds our brain and these glands. The five headed snake as Vishnu's boat or seat is nothing but our five senses all held by the pineal gland. Oh, Lakshmi is the other gland. Am forgetting the name of it. The one below Pineal I guess.
Anyway, these glands control our hormones and senses. Also, it is said that our souls reside here. Some even call this gland as the powerhouse of a human.
Though third eye chakra too is at the same place. And this therefore can be confusing to see Shiva or Vishnu. But then, both I feel are two sides of the same coin where Shiva represents what can't be seen and Vishnu represents what can be seen.
12:52
This evening I went on terrace with Momsha. Even clicked a few pictures post sunset.. Weather was superb the entire day... I got to know a bit more about few plants this evening.
12:54
The entire day I was getting excited to share MK's call with you. I couldn't even meditate today for though I sat down for it but my mind was full of his thoughts and spirit was simply joyous.
12:55
Oh! Momsha and I have now moved to another chapter in learning about mind. This chapter connects the five elements to mind. It says, whatever we see outside in nature is the same inside our body and also mind. Nature has created this superb design with her organic intelligence. That, matter, energy and mind are all parallel and interconnected like a crystal or lotus. And the functioning of mind can be observed with different elements like fire, wind or rain.
Yet to dig in deep. But it surely is interesting. Even in my childhood, I used to feel that these five elements are all within. Once as a kid ling back, I was told my mom that all these mountains, rivers, deserts, etc. Are all within. And that our mood fluctuates with the amounts of these elements. Eg. A person feels angry or sad or dry when it has more of a desert with in. Something on those lines.
So the article today was quite connected. Will explore further soon.
1 AM
Welcome yo One!!!
Though I was about to go but suddenly I got reminded of another thing to share.
Hey 12, let me share something with you. I had met Pompom on 18th August last year. I decided his birthday to be 1st of August. And we parted on 1st December. Ever since, I celebrated each 18th of every month remembering him. I published five or six books every month on 18th post that. Then either a video or something else that I always ensured to post - in his memory.
This 18th however totally skipped my mind. And it is only yesterday that u suddenly remembered - 'Hey! This 18th I just didn't realise passing by. I didn't even post anything. Didn't even think of Pompom. How did that happen?' and then I went back to our blogs dear 12 and guess what??? It was on 18th that I was missing Pompom so much without even realising it to be that date. It was on 18th that I had shared so many pictures of his.
And this confirmed this connect with him that I have.
Also I got to know about this superb power of our minds. We not only tend to remember a certain time sub consciously but also dates. For 7 months, I habituated my mind to get concious of the same feeling every month on a specific date. And bang! Subconsciously, even the month I didn't realise the date, yet undergo the same emotion.
So intense know.
It's been 11 months now of our knowing each other - Pompom and me. Hey One, he came in front of you know. See, he still lives in my memories.
Though I had requested to Abhishek to bring him here, and he had promised to consider it ... But I don't know.
Yesterday, I texted him to send me his residencial address so that I be able to send a gift for Pompom on his birthday on August 1st. He never replied.
Ever since I parted from Pompom I only craved for him. Not even one proper live video. Not even a one minute's video. Not one proper picture. I so miss him sometimes.
Though I gave him at that young an age, so that he could adjust to his forever family and atmosphere. Yet, he left a print on my heart as well forever.
1:11
Woah! You add up to 3.
So do my 12.
And 3 is magically connected to MK.
Alright yo!!!
Time for me to go.
Bye One.
Bye bye my love 12...
Stay happy. Stay in love!!!
Mmmmmmmmuuuuuuaaaaahhhh
A passionate kiss to you in drenched clothes below a heavy rain with music in background and spirits energetic to astound.
Love you.
.....
July 24th, 2020
Hey my love. My dear 12.
Welcome right after a fresh hot vapoury bath, with a sip of Mango shake and kissing momsha.
Papa is finally back home - safe and with us. Though for now he has to be self quarantined just to take precautions. Its getting a bit difficult to convince him but it is crucial. Atleast he is back home. Thank you cosmos.
12:02
Last night, I finally wore that macrame neck piece and somehow picked up this idea to pose with a tapestry. I tried throughout night. That ada was somehow lost. Did make a video of that saavan waali poem as well for I wanted captured my hard work. Yet I wasn't content with both pictures and videos.
Let me share any way.
These are few shots of I posing in them.
12:05
I had to give up that washroom ofcourse for papa is back. So smoking has now become an issue. My room's window opens up in front of many other windows. And I don't want neighbours making stories out of it. Also, getting fresh gets more comfortable with a beedi. Don't want momsha and bhai to feel bad about it. So have to give up that habit. But ya, today the house seemed smaller for one section had to be closed for papa. Just a week's thing. Then even that room will open up. I still won't be able to use that washroom to smoke. But yeah! It was just something I picked up during lockdown. Even otherwise know, that washroom kind of became my own corner. Cut off from rest of the neighborhood. Music could be heard so well there. And bathing always became an experience in itself. The one I have to use now, is beside neighbours' hall and washroom. Their TV can be heard with the lame shit that they watch. And the entire bathing experience become just an activity rather than a feel.
All for good. Humans matter more. So do relations.
In one week, papa too would be a part of mutual experience of home. He already has become so for I realised just this evening how much fuss we were making about him..
12:12
Woah! Been so long yo that I met double your power. Deserves another mango sip.
12:13
The neighbours right above me have got a tiny pup. Haven't met him but he often can be heard. The day they brought him, I felt both jealous and bad because that aunty was the same person who complained so much about Pompom's shit. Probably she too was jealous of my happiness. They had also loved Pompom though twice on terrace and fed him with fruits. Their son was my friend earlier - a good friend. It was his selfish and practical side that made me go distant and also his parents' negative attitude towards it, otherwise we were quite good friends.
Anyway, another reason I felt bad about them getting a pup was that they had a dog earlier as well. They kept him for an year, adored him and then abandoned him. The dog died. Why do people behave that way? They love as it suits them? For as long as it suits them and then abandon! Dog is a huge commitment. Once you get him for so long, it has to be forever. That's the main reason I had to give Pompom that young for I wasn't sure of forever. I had not bought him home to keep him. He had come into my life. And still I tried so so much to have him with me. And parted only because I didn't want him to undergo the pain of separation later.
Though sometimes I also fee happy about this pup upstair. Finally a dog in my block. And my heart craves to go and pat him. But am just sharing all the thoughts that underwent my head.
12:20
It's weird though that I am just no longer getting tempted to go on any mountains. Manali trip was so depressing that all my love for it kind of got dissolved. Or maybe love stayed, but obsession went off.
I am totally in my present. Happy, calm, determined.
My mind is thankfully not dissuading here and there. Am in peace, totally calm and in now.
12:22
Let's play something my love. We don't listen to music anymore know. Though I was thinking of meeting you on terrace tonight. But one small excursion to terrace at around 9 had given me that umhappening a vibe that I preferred to be inside.
12:23
Have played 'Free spirit'.
'Can you hear me coming?'
It's just a week of our meets left my love. Would you miss me? Would you come kiss me when we won't be even seeing each other so often? Would you think well of me when I may not be even talking to you? Do! Please do.
In rains, in greens, in matters of mind and conciousness, while taking heart felt showers, when plunging in colors and art, when boosting your spirit with dance, when getting into gratitude, when finding solitude, when needing the love of family, when seeking connect to self and inner peace.
Do think of me my love. For I too will find you within me.
Post our meets, we will ofcourse grow. We may change. Yet these moments that we are spending these days will stay frozen in terms of their vibe. This bubble of love, peace, calm, happiness, creativity, truth, seeking deeper meanings, beauty, cosmos.
It's cosmic conciousness uploading our system. This backup will now retain to come back to, if any at any time I need a system repair.
Oh, my love..
You mean so so much to me.
Thank you for healing me, for being with me. For making me meet - my own shadow and helping me dance along with it, embrace it. Thankyou for making me a witness of life, light and it's shadows.
Thank you for giving me so so much. For creating our little world of honest,blunt, careless words, soothing vibes, casual conversations, meaningful learnings.
12:33
'What do you need?'
'Do you know who you are?'
12:33
In Mahadev today, Shakti after reaching Kashi and meeting her parents of previous birth (Sati's), touched an idol of AdiShakti and tapped into some of her forgotten powers and energy. Later some asuras abducted her and though Gunesha came to her rescue but he didn't use his power (on Shiva's suggestion). Parvati thus got all the more agitated to find both Gunesha and herself in danger. And her Kaali self developed for some time where she killed both the asuras. She had remembered hints of Ganesha and her real self there. Yet she fainted after using so much of power and later forgot about it. Shiva in next episode may dance along her as Nataraj to bring out her real self. I am looking forward to it. I love their connection in dance and music.
Many seasons earlier I had learned that all musicians and their notes are made of, belong to and are devoted to Shiva energy.
Even scientifically or spiritually, sound and silence are so so connected.
Sometimes I feel, 'Sound is life. And silence - the truth.'
12:41
Don't have much to share today though. Just thoughtlessness. Didn't even meditate today. Woke up late, then had so much of work. Post late lunch, slept again in evening. Little bit here and there, dinner, TV, kitchen work, a bath and that's it. Sums my day. Maybe I should change my staying awake at night habit. But that's the only me time I get. Though even during day none says anything to me. Just, I find it difficult to do something of my own. Night seems more mine.
12:44
Am having a little headache today. Don't know why.
12:45
Aah ! It was the music. Moment I changed that noise song, I felt suddenly better. Sound has such huge impact upon us know. I specially am extra sensitive to sounds. They immediately affect me. I can't tolerate basic sounds of TV. or news or chaos. They affect me way more than others - is what I have noticed.
Maybe that's why I had got so so affected in Manali. There was so much of bad music.
Music has to be healing. Always. Vibes have to be positive and good.
This track that have played now (All I was thinking of by Rhythm Shaw) - it's just instrumental but of so peaceful. Liking the flow of it.
12:49
I feel I too was caught amidst many asuras in Manali. And Pompom saved me as Gunesha. I too generated features of Kaali for I had become so dark at that time - ready to plunder anyone unfair or doing wrong. There were few people whom I could have left to their pitiable condition as well. But I became the villian of their lives. Though now I feel, it was for their own good. Even at that time, that was my intention, but it had a lot of anger as well.
This anger is what I fought with all these months. Even now sometimes, it takes over, yet gradually am learning to conquer it. To reach its root and heal it. Or deal with it.
12:52
Still there are people I still want to be punished. Why does it get so difficult to get rid of such thoughts? Like those people they hurt me in past. They wronged me in past. Now its another time. Why do I find it difficult to let go sometimes? Maybe I will make a list of people I want punished and then try to forget it.
I will then leave it to Karma.
Yet forgiveness is a great virtue. That's what I must learn.
12:56
Such soulful music.
'Snowfall' by 'Sridhar varana...'
12:57
Alright my love...
Time to go for tonight.
Leaving you with an amazing amazing instrumental song ...
It's in Raga Behag.
Listen to this one.
Love you from my core dear one. And this song is healing me. Blooming the inner petals.
Wow!!!
That's the power of music.
This one is carnetic.
So pretty know.
Will now go...
Love you.
Let's dance like Shiva and Shakti.
Let's be one my love.
1
And here comes One.
Alright yo!!! Bye bye both of you.
...........
July 25th, 2020
Hey my love 12, am in the middle of a shower. Just give me some time to finish it. Enjoy these chilly drops of Jal on your pores along with me.
12:12
Yo!!! What a time to re-enter. Double the you. Dear 12, I am still wet here and there. Ha ha. Yet to sort out my hair as well. Atleast am dressed. It was a day full of baths and connection to water. And a lot lot work. Even in evening when Momsha and I went on terrace, it rained and we had a bath. Post that we tried meditating as it is for a neighborhood aunty had also joined and we wanted her to experience that as well. But one, I was short of mobile data, so the video was getting halted; another, there were simply tooo many mosquitoes who were pulling skin everywhere and we're sending piercing pangs of sensations. I tried to think about valmiki who had aunts build their home upon his body, and my body was quite still despite of that aunty leaving it mid way or video getting obstructed, or mosquitoes eating me everywhere, but after half of it, even I couldn't bear it. Yet, whatever the experience I had, it was so worth it.
Anyway, point being, I had many many baths today and quite a fun time on terrace. Didn't click much for I wanted to save battery to be able to play that meditation but yeah, it had to happen, the way it happened.
Oh, yes, even saw moon this evening.
So you know, even the day I had a talk with MK, even that evening I had seen moon after so many days. It was the first crescent probably. Today too it wasn't very huge, but oh so pretty.
12:18
Bhai did dusting of my room today and also sorted it out a bit. He has a kind of magic in his hands. The way he sorts out things is amazing. I though do many things but tidying up my own room is not part of it. I have been long planning for it. Specially the study table. I keep on playing games in my free time.
Other household chores seem enough and then I get lazy about my own room. But yeah! I must take care of it. It's never dirty, but messy. Needs care after every now and then.
12:21
You and your shadow.
Oh, in Mahadev today, Shakti had to make food for all disciples of Rishi Dadhichi, that too all on her own and without anyone's help. When she did it and fed all, even sacrificing her own share, she got tears of content when they all got happy and satisfied.
This was a huge lesson. The second step of Ashtang path is 'content'. First was 'cleanliness' (both outer and inner). Second is selfless content. Once, we get content, we experience divine (parmarth to santosh to divyata).
12:24
Let me comb my hair though. Feeling a bit weird for they are tied half wet.
Alright yo!!! All sorted. These days am picking up a strange and enjoyable gift of mimikry. Few animated voices. I even mimick bhai as he takes meditation courses. And mimick many other spiritual teachers. Even mouses of Ganesha. Or Nobita or Hataudi. Lol.
Btw, bhai calls me 'Hataudi' with love. It's a cartoon character.
I picked up the accent now but he has been calling me so for years.
12:28
At my nani's place, we all read Ramcharitmanas every year on 25th and 26th January. I am feeling like reading it. Maybe, tonight I will pick up Ramcharitmanas and will make a tiny video of reading it. Will share it with you my love. Let's see what it has to offer us.
12:30
Papa though is calm now about being in his room in quarantine yet morning was bit difficult. We had to let go few limitations. Even in usual days though, he used to be in his own room itself whenever he used to come home. Now that it is imposed on him that he is finding it difficult.
Weird know, how we love to do the same thing when we want it. Yet if the same thing is imposed on us as a must, it becomes so difficult to comply to it. He used to love being in his own zone, with door shut often times. Now that we are not letting him out, it has become so problematic to him. But atleast one week is essential to follow these basic norms. Hopefully he will understand and will value all our efforts.
His vibe has brought many changes at home. Though we are waiting for this week to pass so as he too can be one and normal and free at home. Yet, even though he is in his own room, he is still contributing to the overall energy. Ofcourse the work has increased. We are taking care of him. Also, it is as difficult for us to not let him merge in. But even otherwise. I am suddenly picking up our mother tongue 'Sindhi'. For years I have been wanting to learn it. Papa is so fluent in it. He even writes poems in that language using the same script. But he never had time to teach me. Even few days back, I had asked him to teach it to me on video call when he was out of Delhi. My intention was to keep him occupied for he was far from home. He never called to teach. But now, it's happening on its own. As if, the vocab was all inside in my system. The day he entered home, sindhi words or phrases began to pop out of me on their own. I am so wonderstuck. Also thankful. Am picking up something I long wanted to learn.
Any language opens up doors to an entire culture, history, evolution. It is my own language.
I had always craved to be able to use it.
12:39
Aah! The MCB unit tripped again. What's the issue with my AC, I don't understand. Even electrician came and checked it. He even charged to change something in it. God knows, what happens to it.
12:40
I finally saw the new dog our neighbours have got. He is bigger than I expected. Still a pup but bigger. How I wanted to pat him. But I didn't. It was partially my own ego. Also that family has a lot lot ego. Aunty doesn't even revert back to namaste and often times turns her head all snobbishly. And equally arrogant is her daughter. She had that pup. Had her brother (my friend) been upstairs, I would have definitely gone and pampered the pup.
Sometimes I laugh at my own shallowness or ego.
12:43
I learned another thing from another neighbour today. It's that aunt who splashed in rain today with us and even did exercise with Momsha. So the other day, when Momsha and I were meditating on terrace, she came for a brisk walk and did it alongside. Her footsteps disturbed our meditation. We had felt furious. Though momsha still replied to her respectfully later on when she asked something. Maybe she realised her mistake and that's why today, she just came on her own and asked momsha to teach her any yoga postures. She joined in with words, 'jo kara do, kar lenge'. I loved her surrender and happy social self. The way she bridged up any possibility of difference was incredible. And she is so so talkative otherwise, still, she gave meditation a try.
Also we all splashed in rain and she didn't judge or mind. I could learn so much from her. Specially her social skills, her happy aura, her attention to detail, and simple gaity.
12:47
This morning I had a dream where I saw myself present at two places at the same time. Later I shared with Momsha about this Matrix kind of dream and she shared a story from Kathopnishad where a guy who once asked Vishnu about Maaya. Vishnu told him to go and take a dip in water. As he took the dip, he saw himself getting born as a child from a tribal lady's womb. Years passed, he grew up as a tribal. Even got married and got kids. One day, he dreamed that his kids were all hungry and he had become a begger and as he was begging on streets, an elephant suddenly picked him up and made him sit upon him. He was suddenly announced the king of that kingdom for so was the ritual of that place. He ruled the kingdom for eight years and one day, as he was passing by a street, he saw a tribal group passing by, singing some song. He somehow remembered the lyrics and began to sing along. Someone from the group recognised his tribal past and called him out by that name. He ran off. But suddenly the news got out that their king was actually a tribal person. The queens and ministered felt so embarrassed (for a tribal person was considered to be of a low cast) that to purify themselves, they jumped in a fire.
The king too felt bad about being the reason for all of them jumping in fire, that he too jumped in the same fire.
But rather than feeling hot, he felt cold and realised he was taking a dip in the water. As he came out, he was back to the person who had interacted with Vishnu. He realised only a minute had passed and it was all probably just his mind tripping.
Later at his home, a traveller came by to halt for a night. That traveller post having food, shared a story with him that few kilometres from there, a strange thing had happened. That a king was found to be tribal and his queens and misters to have jumped in fire followed by him.
This made the man totally confused and shocked.
He then went to Vishnu and asked him, if that story was an illusion or maaya or if his present life was maaya. Vishnu replied, even that was maaya and even this is maaya. That all those years were nothing but a construct of his own mind.
Life is but maaya.
Such a cool story know. I got reminded of Matrix and was dazzled to relate it to my dream.
12:58
Alright my love!!!
Time to take your leave. Sorry to have cut down on our meet today in bathing. But am sure, you too enjoyed it alongside me.
Loads and loads of love.
A heartfelt kiss.
A soul felt union.
Mmmmmmmmuuuuaaaah
.........
July 26th, 2020
Hey my love, my dear 12.
Have just taken a bath and am chilling upon my bed.
Dressed in white and blue, am quite loving the feel of this moment.
Day was long and full of activities.
Oh, last night I did read out Ramcharitmanas randomly opening it, at a gap of three times each.
I read out a section from Ayodhya kand where Ram and Lakshman's beauty was appreciated.
Another from Sunder kand where Ravan ordered to burn Hanuman's tail and Hanuman instead burned the entire Lanka by becoming very small and finally jumping in ocean.
And final one was from '. ... Kand'
Where Garuda was having a conversation with someone and telling him how lucky he was to finally be able to be devoted to Lord Rama and that the butter of ever prayer, or any good deed - all goes to Rama. That he wasn't devoted in his earlier births and was rather taken by pride, arrogance, greed etc., But now he has learned his lessons and no maaya tempts him.
Post that I was tired so didn't read aloud. Yet there were around three pages that I read just in hindi where Garuda explained his first birth. I was surprised to find out that he mentioned to be born the first time in Kalyuga. And the description he gave of Kalyuga billions of years ago, or atleast in triteeya yuga, was as it is similar to the situation now. How could Kalyuga have existed (many births ago of Garuda) before the time of Mahabharata.
That further made me think of the cyclic nature of time. That either the time merely repeats itself or maybe it's all pervasive.
12:09
Even in Mahadeva today, Shiva went to fight with 'Apahans' or someone. (Have forgotten his name) but he represents darkness or nothingness or agyaanta or vismriti as in features of Kalyuga. Since Parvati had lost her memory, so all her powers had merged with that dark demon instead. Shiva when finally went to kill him, he said that he doesn't exist and therefore it is impossible to kill him. Plus he had acquired Adishakti's powers. He was 'Nat'. Shiva then told him, 'You say, you don't exist. But you are forgetting, that, that which doesn't exist is me. So you even you are part of me. You say, you are nothingness. Even nothingness lives in me. You say, you are nat. But you are forgetting that I am Nataraj.'
Shiva further said, 'True, Gyaan (wisdom) will always have a shadow of agyaan (naiveness), Smriti (memory) will always have a shadow of vismriti (forgetfulness) and light will always have a shadow of darkness; yet it is very much possible to finish you.'
And then Shiva threw few of his dreads around, which all became Shiva's avatars - who all began to play damru and in between Shiva became Nataraj and danced on those beats.
He replied, 'Naad (sound/music), has been here forever and that will finish you.
And hence with music and dance he killed darkness or sorrow or negativity or pain.
12:18
Today Momsha and I had a fine evening discussing 'Mind' and it's connection to five elements further. So last time we had read that all these elements not only make our body but also in their most subtle form - our minds. That mind, matter and energy are all parallel and interconnected. That though the elements are very subtle in our minds, yet their action and attribute is very much similar to their gross form visible outside.
Today we also learned what every element exactly does in our mind.
First of all, our mind is similar to space. An evolved mind is expanded like space and an unevolved mind is contracted. Same like, when we are happy, we feel great and huge, but when we are sad, we feel like being in a shell and are in sorrow.
Just like space, our mind too is all pervasive and has unlimited capacity to hold matter and energy and is not exhausted by it.
Also, it is very mobile, even faster than light.
Now, majorly our mind is made up of ether. The second most significant attribute is Air which provides it mobility. Third is fire which gives it perspective not only to observe inside, but also outside, including external plays of light. Fourth is water, which gives it emotions, empathy and feelings. And fifth is earth, which gives it memories and attachment.
Though the mind is the most subtle form of all these elements . So subtle that mind can transcend these elements' own gross form; yet how they impact - is similar and has to be observed to understand the functioning of mind.
12:27
Yet to read it further.
But quite interesting know.
Oh, Guruji also took the same topic today in evening meditation about how we are made of all these five elements and body is different from mind. The meditation was focussed on conquering all time churning thoughts - which was a concern I had mentioned earlier just this evening. Sometimes it's so fascinating to see how cosmos works out the right solutions for all my questions.
I don't remember what was I made to do in meditation for in between Guruji had even mentioned to transcend his own instructions. But I do remember that I felt so so energetic in between sometime. That in between the session guruji asked to first feel the mind expanded and one with the walls,the ceiling and later asked to imagine one foot of outer layer from skin. I could feel energy, like an aura coming out.
And oh yes, I also saw a body (which began with feeling my own bone structure) and took me to see a girl's sitting posture right opposite to me but filled with so many colors - like a poster image with moving colors... Purple, orange, neon Blue, yellow, red... So many of them. Even hint of pink. Maximum was purple and light blue. Amount was respective in order. But it was dynamic. I could feel so much of energy and my own halo which was a first time experience.
12:34
Today I will most probably clean up my room. Yes. Now that I have said it, I hope, I will do it.
12:35
Hey, do you know, our portico is full of fragrant flowers called 'Raat ki raani'. They smell so nice and bloom full power at night. Momsha and few of relatives and even few friends have teased me with this name so many times 'Raat ki raani'. And this plant was in our house for past two three years. It's the first time it has borne flowers and I am glad to be able to enjoy it.
12:38
Give me two minutes my love. Will be back.
12:40
Ok then. Hey, I finally got sawdust to make kokedamas. Tomorrow will surely make few. Will also make one or two for nani's place. They will look so nice at their home.
I so wish I had fragrant indoor plants to hang them inside.
Like chameli, jasmine (guess they are the same).
Aah! Don't know. Maybe mint can also be grown inside. One of these days I will go to the nursery with Momsha and bhai and get few of these special plants. I did check the list, but next time, I will enlist the ones that can be grown inside, smell nice, have good energy and can also be made into bonshies and do not need constant care. Though I don't mind caring for them everyday as well.
But yeah, if they will be hanging in air, then probably every day water requirement won't be possible to meet. That's the purpose of sawdust. It stays wet for long and keeps the soil and roots moistened. Though the guy I learned it from, said, we can replace saw dust with paper balls, but paper becomes soul is what I know. Sawdust, I am sure will take much more time.
12:45
I am feeling like smoking now. Maybe will go for one after our meet.
Mom studies at this time and though she knows but I feel bad to smoke even upon my own window when she sits outside and knows somehow that am smoking inside. Yesterday I did it but felt very bad about it. So today, I didn't.
Later at night, will do it. Just, there's no place left to freely smoke and chill. Don't feel like going on terrace. Don't feel free upon my own window due to neighbours, can't go to Papa's washroom, don't want to smoke in our washroom. It is more about feel know. What's the point of bending down and smoking all secretively - is what I thought today. Without feel, what's the point of any act???
So I skipped it.
Seemed like sex without passion.
Late night, even if I smoke once, but free of judgements with my spine straight and mind free, I enjoy it much more.
12:51
Once I will tidy up my room, will show you how my room gonna look. Though one of the paintings recently got broken. Probably I can put another one there. Cleaning also gives a chance to bring changes know. Though my room is so full of art and colors that I would have to find out scope for improvement and changes.
12:53
Bhai is undergoing severe pain in his upper spine and I feel so helpless about it. I hope he gets better soon. He teaches yoga and meditation to so many. These days, he is taking up even people suffering with addictions in a course called 'Prana' and I feel bad that he has so much of pain. My bhai. I hate to see him in pain. I love him. I wish he gets better soon.
12:54
Alright my love! Will take your leave now.
Love you a lot a lot.
Teach me the art of forgiveness. Heal me with love.
Help me heal others.
Help me realise my self, love.
In the hollowness of space, let's be empty together and expand together.
Let's be water waves and merge in ocean of love.
Let's be two flames, unseen to be separated being one fire, fuelled with love.
Let's be mountains, all laid one above another, be one range together.
Loads of love..
Mmmmmuuuuuuaaaahhhhhhh
.....
July 27, 2020
Hey love! My darling 12. Just give me a minute to go on terrace. Have a mug of coffee and other essentials with me. Let me lock and go. Just wait love.
12:03
Alright yo! Am upstairs. Quite hot though. Hope it gets windy soon. The entire day, I was so so excited to tell you about my entire day post our last meet. I worked on cleaning my room the entire night till late morning. Found a poster sized picture of mine in Udaipur.
And many many soveniers.
Boxes full of shells, pebbles, river stones, colors, feathers, accesories... All kinds of collections. The work is still mid way, else would have shared the video.
Let me smoke one. And then maybe, will go downstairs. It is quite hot and vacuumed feel upstairs. Maybe because of the ACs working right now in all the houses around.
12:12
The weather is not so good. Also mosquitoes are there. I still wanna be here for atleast a little while, now that am here. So let's walk and talk.
Alright, so yeah, along with cleaning my room I first heard half of our meets using assistant and then 5 AM, Bangalore. It gave me so so much of positive energy. Kind of reconnected me to my own spirit. Also made me realise that shifting from there was my own and willing decision with intention of staying attached and growing up even if it was so epic. Also, I had full realisation of those days being the best even then. And it was therefore that I had connected to time the first time, so as to create a time capsule to be had whenever needed.
After cleaning my room, morning was quite fun for momsha made burgers for bhai and I.
And then there were all kinds of household chores. I had not slept but I don't know how and from where was I getting so much of energy. I was singing songs throughout while doing basic things and enjoying even washing clothes or sweeping and mopping. Post that, I decided to out in society and plant bittergourd's seeds in society. There were a bowl full of seeds and I planted them all over - by the boundary wall and even in the main society park. They have changed society's park for earlier there was a small mud cliff with many plants there, where Pompom and I loved to play. Now they have flattened it. But now, in the entire society, including park, the variety of plants have increased and gardener doesn't cut them stupidly and that's why I found them all healthy and blooming. Also because of monsoons probably.
I also trimmed a few stems while seeding, and took the already plucked tiny saplings which had roots. And while I was doing all this the weather changed. It became windy suddenly. I took an entire round of society.
By the time, I came back and sorted them all out, putting them in a tub filled with enzyme water, it began to Rain. I was already so dirty, tired after working for almost 14 hours at one stretch. So yeah, I immediately ran till terrace to enjoy and splash in rain.
The rain wasn't much yet while I was singing and pleading Jal to please my soul and chill my senses, my neighbour and earlier friend (who has now got a dog) came upstairs. I was already in a good mood, so I smiled at him. This is kind of natural in me. Smile has been my signature. It is so natural to me that I don't even think if I am on talking terms or not often times. Not always though. If something gets really serious with someone, then I don't make a fool of myself. Hut with him it's different. So yeah! I smiled casually and kept on living the rain.
He smoked on his terrace and our eyes met twice or thrice in ten minutes. He then went downstairs and came back in two minutes, this time along with his new pup.
I tried to hold myself for a second. Let me play with him for hardly 10 seconds but then an outporing love overwhelmed me and overpowered all my ego and I asked him, 'kya naam rakha fir iska? Diyo isey Zara mujhe'. He handed him over to me.
And I can't tell you how I felt the moment I took the pup in my hands. His name is Osno. Moment I hugged him, he began to lick me as if he was PomPom. He wanted to play so I played and played with him. Again and again picked him, kissed him and hugged him. After PomPom, I had not picked any other pup like that. And my soul was craving to love him. And there this pup got so much of love suddenly. And he too got so so comfortable. As if he had known me forever. I was over- joyous. Bubbling with love, happiness. I thanked the guy again and again for letting me spend time with his pup.
Oh, it made me so happy. I was jumping with excitement even till I went down. Turned out, Osno enjoyed his first rain along with me.
Lucky me.
And to imagine, just the other day, I was holding so much of grudge against them. Oh! I so wish they don't abandon him this time. He is a beagle. And a keeper. So so lovable and loving. So active. Gets everything. He is just 2.5 months' old right now. And he made me experience immense love just in a single meet.
12:33
Right now, there's a cat chilling upon this terrace. Earlier so many cats used to chill around me. But yeah! Even I don't come on terrace much at night anymore. How would I meet them.
Animals have their own pure vibe I feel.
12:39
Just burned myself.
12:40
I learned many things from 5 AM sessions this morning. Catharsis; unity of time, place, ....; Inevitable changes and embracing them; existential niyati where no matter what you do or how great you become, you live, love, die; gratitude. There was a line I derived from it and wrote it upon my almira 'Today I will live the change'. Found it so inspiring.
12:43
It's seriously way hot today on terrace. Yet am being here for changing our place again will again need re- settling and we will waste time then.
There are a few stars sprinkled in the sky.
12:44
In Mahadev today, Shivji taught Parvati asanas and lesson of stability through it. She had to stand on one foot with hands towards sky as namaste while looking at a tree and later closing her eyes. Then she had to look upon mountain and close her eyes. Impersonification, inner stability, Shiva taught her so many things.
Also, Shiv was well aware that Jalandhar was his own offspring.
Oh, another thing that Shiva taught Parvati was with a lotus. He siad, Just like Lotus despite of energies opposite to its nature, yet learns to not only survive in opposite energies but also gain nutrition right out of it and stays unaffected by it. Similarly, humans too must learn to accept the opposite energies and still bloom without it getting power upon them.
Oh, Jalandhar is being treated by Avanti who is a doctor. She talked about being unbiased no matter what it was dev or asur - when it came to healing.
Likewise, people too should be unbiased.
Though I too have lived my life like that, but I have also suffered because of it. Say, if you save a poisonous animal from dieing, would it leave it's nature and not harm you. Though I prefer to believe in love and tapping in good; yet my experiences have been different. Have met energy vampires, and all kinds of sucking energies who don't really consider your good intentions but behave as per their nature.
But in the first season of Mahadev, at the time of sati, Sati once saved some stinging insect from drowning. Again and again she saved it, again and again it bit her. Someone asked her why did she save it despite of its stinging nature. She replied that if that creature couldn't leave it's nature, how could she??? That God has indeed made all its creations for a purpose and that its the same life energy in all.
I could learn so much from that one and that is what keeps me inspired despite of my lows. I too undergo phases when I feel deprived of emotions or empathy. But they happen after I overdo it.
So yeah! It all stays balanced in the larger picture I guess.
12:54
My love, I so wish, we had interacted towards evenings for I was so so happy till that time. Or any time before that. Then I finally slept and probably woke up without finishing the required sleep. Also took this decision to come upstairs in this heat.
So maybe my narrative got affected with all that.
I did wish to share so much of joy that I felt today. The godfelt energy I had to do so much.
Hey, I found some crazy stuff as well in my collection. One was my own tooth that I had got extracted earlier. I laughed at my folly, wondered and admired nature and creation and finally threw it off.
Also, I found an half opened macrame lulu. I had done it on MK's locks in Goa. He had returned it back to me to make some changes. And then never got it hooked back in some random mood swing. Later he went all military cut. I had saved that lulu with his locks with me as a souvenir. I finally threw it.
This also reminded me of a wrist band he had gifted me when he was leaving me the first time in Manali. I had not removed it in my entire Pan India trip. It was that arm itself which had got broken and swelled. And when doctor wanted to cut it before bringing my bones to their place with a jirk, I had cried half with pain and half with fear of losing that bond with him. I had made them remove that band safely despite of so much pain. Now it seems so stupid of me.
Also, I feel, it all happened for the best. He is not the right guy for me - is what I understand now.
1:01
So many mosquitoes. Let's smoke one and then leave. It's way too much of heat.
1:07
The cat is sleeping so peacefully near me. There is so much of love in me that got back after loving Osno today.
Oh, Abhishek finally replied to my message of sending am address of his home so that I can send Pompom some gift. He sent such a legit address that none can reach it. Lol.
Why do people behave so?
Not like an going to his home to take Pompom back. Though I so wish to do that sometimes. Yet I also understand that I gave him myself and it won't be justified. Would rather be very selfish of me. But I do miss him - so so much.
1:15
Ok then. Going downstairs now. Sure need a bath now. Catch you in a bit. And hey One. Hope you are happy. Will catch both you and 12 post bathing.
1:36
Am back yo! Right after both a hot and a cold shower. Have even brushed my locks and have switched on the AC. Core bliss. It was lame to go upstairs. This room feels heavenly right now.
Oh! I had water-melon today. It is one of my favorites.
Reminded me of that one day in Manali where I suddenly had craved for it and had asked all my friends there to get me a watermelon. Finally someone arranged for it and we all had it in the verranda together. It was one good moment with them.
Oh, I found a painting that I did few months back of Manali. Though I had done it when Pompom was here with me but I finished it after getting him adopted and coming back home. There wasn't a Pompom earlier in that painting. Once I came back, I added him as well.
1:40
Wanna see me?
The room is still not fully done.
But yeah! For a single day it was huge work. That's the case with me. I never do just the surface. I get into depth. It wasn't just the outside, it needed even drawers and re-ordering things, cleaning, sorting out... So much. It's so similar to how when I go for. A interview I don't just dress up well and go all prepped. No. I even shave my legs which don't even get seen, but I feel better that am all groomed. Lol.
1:43
Ok. Let me click myself.
What I cleaned today, won't be much visible for it was all inner. That's where generally I lose my patience. I get done with roots and inner work and by the time it comes to outer presentation, I leave it.
Yet, it comes out to be visible only when it's finished or with outer. So like humans as well know. Not all think of inner beauty. That's why it becomes important to appear beautiful even outside. Though they are both interconnected. If a person is not kind and has ill intentions, no matter how beautiful or handsome she or he is, the person outer beauty won't attract anyone after a while. Similarly, a very nice looking modular kitchen will lose its luster if on opening it's shelves it will have stuff kept all messily in it. (That's. Real life example I had observed in one of my friends' place).
1:53
Oh, my bestie Ashika got remarried in 26ths afternoon. I am so proud of her decision making ability and guts. Though I have been a bit worried and concerned for her as I don't want her to suffer again. But wow! She still has the strength to trust and commit herself to a partner again.
1:55
I also remembered my song 'Madham si hawa' as I heard our earlier sessions last night. That guy never touched it to create the final version. Maybe, I can try singing it once again. And edit and make a video on my own.
1:56
Alright my love! Will take your leave now.
Bye bye One and 12.
Loads of love to you my darling 12.
Mmmmmuuuuaaaahhhhhh
......
July 28th, 2020
Hey my love, my 12
You came with such a relief for even my lips uttered a sigh as I lied down on bed - all done with the day.
I even went on terrace for some time before taking a bath (at around 11:15) and I was dazzled to see a half golden moon all smiling upon me. It seemed so like how it used to look in my childhood. Like an innocent character lying half tilted with eyes and lips (like a side face).
I was getting a bit turbulent by late evening and just those fifteen minutes of being with the moon on terrace filled me with so much of love, peace and joy.
12:03
Let me play some instrumental music. There is an indie instrumental playlist on Spotify that I have fallen in love with recently. It gives such amazing and inspiring background.
12:04
Cool then, 'Raghuvamsa sudha' in background.
12:05
I finally did the art of making kokedamas this morning. Took few hours and a lot of work, plus the sawdust due to fan, not only irritated my throat but also a particle went into my eye and gave me pain for a long time. But how I loved this new way of gardening. At that time I was a bit concerned for the plants as well... As if I was making them qurentined as well by closing them in knotted cloth pieces with nutrition but no open air. Yet, once they got done, and survived the day, still healthy... And also they filled life to even washroom, windows of drawing room, doorways of kitchen and lobby... Aah! It became such a pleasure to experience them around.
Soon will make more and better.
Next time though, I will make even larger balls of soil and will use a dark coloured cloth so that it doesn't come out to be dirty after getting drenched in soiled water.
But hey, look at them.
I even made a video of the process but it still needs to be edited. Will post in on my 'Vibe weaver' profile.
12:10
In Mahadev today, Rishi Dadhichi got ready to sacrifice his body so as to make a vajra (weapon) out of his bones so as to kil la demon who couldn't be killed with any metal. It was a sad scene. Why do people like Dadhichi have to sacrifice themselves for the world to survive? Why are they made with such high values? Why couldn't any of the gods from Trinity enter in? Why do things happen they way they happen no matter how unjustified?
Though he seemed quite alright about it for after all he was about to merge with his lord Shiva. Also, am sure it has huge metaphorical meaning. That I still need to figure out. But taken literally it seemed so wrong at so many levels. Specially to save Indra. But it's also about portrayal and perception know.
Ever since Jalandhar's entity, am requestioning all these notions of God's for they too have their own flaws.
Though I often wonder why is Indra the way he is. And if he is so, why can't the king of heaven be changed?
Metaphorically speaking, Indra can also be seen as the ruler of senses. And if someone has heaven inside, then some kind of pride is legit. But his level of ignorance seems questionable. And his insecurity seems even more shocking for none of the gods are ever taken out of their jobs. They instead are punished or given so many chances to rectify themselves. Unlike asuras who are directly killed. One reason can also be the fact that devas suffer with flaws with in them and they get selfish. But asuras they harm others and just don't believe in goodness.
Yet, it all seems fused.
The way these characters get portrayed in all mythological stories. Probably that's why they say, 'none is perfect'.
Yet we all have both the sides.
Every time I see devas and asuras in a battle, it seems like an inner battle happening in all of our minds.
Say even in Mahadev, where Adi Shakti has lost her memory and is trying to regain her real entity by yoga and meditation, simultaneously there is a battle happening in the world between dev and asur. And yet with a character like Jalandhar, asur have a white dot in them. A genuine reason for anger. And with a character like Indra, even dev have a black dot in them. A selfish and prudent person who must be punished.
And this Yin Yang ball in probably rolling in Adi Shakti's spiritual journey for she is the cosmic life energy.
12:25
My A.C is flip. Sometimes it just makes me wonder what is it even doing in my room. Yet I am thankful for without it, life would have been so difficult. I just can't bear heat.
12:28
It's been five days now that papa has been here. Though he is quarantined and we hardly talk. But thankfully he is not creating issues about it. He is fine in his room and that's a relief. Just a matter of two or three days. And then we will all be together. We'll talk, laugh, tease, play games.
12:30
I don't have much to talk about today. The day passed in a whoosh and I didn't even realise it passing by. Oh, it was Monday, so I was also fasting.
12:32
Am suddenly craving for something exotic. Like a shake or a smoothy. In my grad time, I loved to have cocoberry yoghurts. They had a number of flavours to choose from with toppings both of sweets and fruits.
I used to go for blueberry flavour with kiwi, mango, few pomegranates in fruits and sprinkles of many other candies that I don't remember now.
Tomorrow most probably I will make a pizza at home. Bhai has been asking for it for two three days. Will share the pictures with you.
Though heavy things don't tempt me anymore. Pizza though has been an eternal love but I don't like it much when I make it. It's delicious but not like Domino's cheeseburst and that's the one I love. 'Mexican green wave' medium sized cheese burst. Oh, I also love their stuffed garlic bread with cheese dip. And their chocolava cake too is epic.
Why am I talking about food - I don't know. Am quite full post dinner. Fasting at home is not so difficult. Momsha makes sabudana khichdi in afternoon which is my favorite and at night we take normal dinner. Morning too momsha had roasted few foolmakhane for me because I was already hungry. Haha! In my childhood I used to say, 'Vrat nai Charat'. Anyway, point of these fasts - are satvik ahaar. Usually fasting is amazing to ensure ether in body. Meditation too reaches another realm with fasting. But yeah, I am not so fussy. I flow. Do what I feel like as I feel like.
Though I miss Navrastras. Throughout my childhood, I had ensured fasting in all eight days followed by ninth day of pooja and kanjak. Even till campus. It was when I went to Bangalore that I left that ritual.
I used to fast majorly to enjoy mom made fast's special food for those eight days. In Bangalore it made no sense for I wasn't that much of a cook and to eat but potatoes day and night seemed foolish to me.
But now that I watch Mahadeva and also that I have been more closer to Shiva's energy, I miss the other side in me. I realise the value of Shakti's energy that I was devoted to without knowing throughout.
Hopefully, this time I will ensure it.
12:44
I am getting bored. Let's do something else yo! What say? Wanna jam? Or just chill? I feel lethargic right now. Moment I crashed on the bed I felt an instant hit of tiredness. Maybe because I haven't been able to finish my sleep both yesterday and today.
To imagine, just before our meet today, I was thinking of again working on my room tonight.
We have just two days of meets left my love. I was thinking of finishing my room's decor before that to be able to share it with you.
After all, it is here that we have met most of the days. It is here - my bed - our place to date.
My dear 12. I just didn't feel this month passing by so soon. When I read our earlier meets, it feels so distant. Like even the first day was years ago. Maybe that's because I have been so much in my 'now' everyday that I lost any track of time. How ironical though.
12:50
Today I interacted with a girl from MP regarding some workshops I may launch through her company's support. She seemed so jolly a spirit that I got reminded of my own younger self. She was so natural and at so much of ease. Had a beautiful ringing laughter. I loved the experience of talking to someone new and as refreshing as her.
12:53
Neend Bhari mehsoos ho rahi hai mujhe apni aankhon mein.
My love 12, will take your leave now.
12:55
See how it body and mind gets so so connected. Food, sleep - everything impacts our energy, love, connections both with self and others.
12:56
Chalein tab???
Goodnight my love!
An honest kiss upon your cheeks with my fingers fondling your hair and I clutching you pulling you near me. My body surrendered to your weight and love. My lips smiling a tired and content smile, now teasing, now laughing, more hiding as if a secret in between my lips, now welcoming you all in.
Love you!
Mmmmuuuaah
........
July 29, 2020
Hey 12... Yo! Just caught you on time. Still dripping with water. Let me just get done with a last shower and will be with you all clean my love. Give me just few minutes.
12:06
Alright yo!
Am all fresh, in my room, all fragrant and in a pleasent spirit. Day went quite well for I had a straight 10 hour long sleep last night after our meet and also did all chores in peace. Plus, had selmani for breakfast which I love and alu and nuggets for lunch which I also love. Evening had great food for thought for momsha and I discussed mind. Also soul got nourished with meditating both in afternoon and evening, so twice. And later, Mahadev two I could watch three episodes with new insights. So all in all quite content. Oh! Forgot mango Shake. So you see, every sense sorted, including mind, soul, spirit.
And I didn't get angry even once today - which was awesome.
I have got down though, which is a little early for me. But this explains my unnecessary mood swing last evening and such low energy today for I couldn't get myself to re do my room in afternoon.
Yet, it is essential and I never mind it. Though earlier I used to question it a lot. For guys don't really have to undergo this. But they face it anytime - spread in installments. Atleast we have a cleansing system which runs monthly and takes care of our hormones. Yet the changes are huge. And are felt each month. But it also ensures a check on health.
12:12
Woah! Double you. Love you.
It's weird to think that it's our second last meet. One more day left and then you would become but a memory which I would surely come back to but won't be able to create or make changes to.
My love, I hope our meets were of value to you. You for sure gave me way more than. I got churning, perspective, compatibility, shoulder, ear, soul, spirit, love, calm, peace, wisdom.
You have no idea, how much I cherish our meets... They have been the most mature and stable so far.
I love you and you must always remember that. And Thank you, for being a part of my life, for giving me such fond memories. For making even these stagnant days so so eventful.
Today, after chatting with a guy on Facebook (who is also a traveller), I realised, how lucky am I to be in such peaceful state of mind. For I am not panicking, nor am I craving for changes or places or people. Am so so content and blooming in my present. I have so much embraced my present, to live each day with such zeal and love.
I have evolved so much from my earlier self. I am not complaining anymore, instead utilising these moment by just being and loving both self and my environment along with valuing and nourishing my relations.
Thank you love, for teaching me so much. For making me able to bring the right changes in me. For giving me patience and this perspective to understand life more deeply.
I am indeed grateful to you for making me a vessel of love and peace.
Love you.
12:19
I had Blue's dream this morning. Ever since he entered my head again and again and I got filled with love for that's what I gave him even in my dream. Don't remember much but a group of people had abducted Blue whom I chance saw passing by in a car. I saw him and immediately stopped the car. He jumped outside and met me with so much of love, the way he used to get excited to meet me everytime. I loved and loved him and was about to sort out a new room somewhere that we lost each other again. I woke up with this pleasent feeling of atleast meeting him and being able to give him my love.
Maybe he came to my dream for I saw a picture of us in FB memories and got reminded of him. I don't know how I moved on from him for he was the centre of all my attention and love for those five months. Somewhere in my head I blamed him as well for my misery, but likewise had I blamed everyone I had met in those five months for I still don't know the reason of that dark zone. Yet Blue gave me nothing but immense love and loyalty is what I remember. He was so so emotional. Towards end, I don't know how I became so biased. I used to favour Pompom over Blue for I wanted to teach Blue to share and love again and not be so selfish or like a goon. Also I wanted to teach him to live without me, while I was there, for he knew I would be gone soon and I didn't want to take away his freedom. I did try to get him connected to someone who also loved him, but turned out, it wasn't meant to be. Yet I feel guilty sometimes for becoming so mean for him towards end. I do love him, will always do. Yet I miss Pompom more, though Blue loved me much much more.
I hope, he forgives me for abandoning him like his earlier humans. Though we never had agreed to be there for each other forever. It was a simple arrangement. Was so natural. We were there for each other in our loneliness. We shared those months of pain by giving each other company, love. I always called him my Roomie. Cared and loved him. Yet don't know how I moved on from him so easily. Though when I was here in Delhi in between along with Pompom, I still used to think of him and send him love and energy through teleopathic medium. But when I went again and found him so stubborn and with so degenerated values, I was so disappointed. It was wrong of me. He was but a dog, a child. And only love can teach anyone anything. Though, my anger and hurt was also a way of expressing my love. Also, I had never gotten strict with him, except once when he had bitten my shoes... But I don't know why I wanted to bring out the goodness in him for I knew his soft side, his love, his real self, that white heart printed below his face despite of a black coat, those tweets of love despite of a strong bark.
12:31
Though I have no plans of visiting Manali anytime soon. But I do hope he gets someone to take care of him forever and he doesn't have to become a snatcher for amenities but once again be able to get satisfied with minimal for love would fulfill all his needs, like they used to happen for him along with me.
I hope that he finds love.
12:33
In Mahadev today, Parvati moved over to her third state of 'Shav asan'. That made me realise, how even my life's journey has been going on its own through the same path, but in years. My connection to trees, to mountains, to nothingness, now with meditation... It's all the same cycle.
Dadheechi's bones got used to kill that asur and Kartikey saw his brother Jalandhar for the first time.
Oh, Mom showed me the guy who plays Shiva in his real self. He looks so so dazzling and attractive even in real life. Just this evening I was telling my brother, that had I been Parvati (Sonarika) playing beside him in Mahadev, I would have totally got married to him.
Do you know, that guy left playing Shiva after 13 seasons for he said, people were taking him as Shiva, even in real life and the character was growing over him. He is actually amazing at it. Even I feel so much of love, respect and devotion, just to see him. It's all energy after all.
Much more credit though also goes to the writer of that serial. I often wonder how knowledgeable, wise and well read - the writer must be to creat such an amazing show with so much of 'goord gyaan' in it.
12:39
About mind, we read few amazing things today. So we had read that mind is made up of all five elements and that space is the maximum and air gives out thoughts movement, fire gives it perspective, water has empathy, feelings and earth is responsible for memory and attachment.
Today we read that the three realms of mind - inner (feelings), intermediate (between inner and outer) and outer (senses) are three elements - air, fire and water respectively. Air gives us thoughts in the inner most consciousness or mind. All thoughts, feelings are constantly moving in this dynamic nucleus of our mind. We can consider inner mind as bedroom, intermediate as lobby and outer ofcourse as a drawing room or outside.
We can even form a parallel of mind with body. Say, crown chakra is ofcourse cosmic conciousness. Third eye chakra is our gateway to it. Ether lies on throat which is all pervasive. Sound though needs air to be created. And that's why air plays a crucial role to give life. So air lives on heart chakra dedicated to feelings. Then comes fire on neval chakra which is a lobby between inner most feelings to outside world. Where, all judgements and reasonings are formed. Then comes sacral chakra or the place of water. Which is our external reality. Even otherwise everything leaks out of our body there. And we even connect to other human beings sexually or passionately through that. Then comes earth as the base chakra which also represents our ego.
Still got to read more about all this.
Also there was another parallel drawn. The boom said that just like inner, intermediate and outer; a parallel mechanism is of vaat (air), pitta (fire) and cough (water) in body. So all these three are essential to keep us functional yet a disbalance in any of them is a dosha that has its own issues and impacts us hugely.
That's why ayurveda puts huge significance to balancing these elements not just in body but also in mind.
12:50
Aah! Just typing makes me thirsty. Wait! Let me have some water.
I don't know why my hands and feet get numb suddenly and so much these days. Like am typing now and the blood flow is having issues to run though my fingers. Weird know.
I will call Sam tonight. He is such a good human being and a good friend. Will also try to give my room new colors. After all tomorrow is our last date. And I want to give you my best.
Though, things have been so so natural with you. And I have been so so honest with you.
Except maybe the cursing part, I shared all my thoughts as it is. And even that, I didn't share intentionally, for I didn't want to come back to any negative memories like 1 AM sessions. Also, this helped me teach my mind, how not to focus on negative instead tap on positive.
12:54
My dear 12... Though we discussed so much for so long and I tried to be with you as much as possible the entire month... Yet, it seems as if, we could have interacted even more. It's a fused feeling. Sometimes I feel, it came out exactly how it was meant to be. Rather, I maybe spoke way too much and could have avoided half the things and kept our meets short like 5 AM sessions but meaningful and positive. But then, it wouldn't have been natural. For even then I was natural, only my way was short. And even now have I been natural, only I have more patience, time and will to be with you along.
My love, I give you love. A lot of it.
I give you healing.
I give you peace, thankfulness, happiness, creativity, joy, abundance, faith, loads and loads of love.
Mmmmmmmmuuuuuuuaaaahhhh
May you stay a happy bubble of peace, warmth and joy.
May you stay a heart full of love, care, passion, rawness with all its naturalness.
Love you.
........
July 30th, 2020
Hey 12, my love, my darling. Like our first date, am still totally bare
Rather still under a shower. Aah! This Palmolive bodywash is all for you. Still not done with it. Just smell it's aroma. Even my name means the same. Oh! How I never learn to be on time. And how it only gives the best of moments. Am bare, with you my love. With this beautiful instrumental music filled in the bathroom. Just give me a minute. Come join me for this bath. And dress me as much as you want, or not. Give me some time to further our talk my love.
12:10
Yo! Am here. All ready for you. My hair still wet post shampoo. But they smell nice and I haven't brushed them. You can untangle or get lost in their aroma. Or maybe leave them as it is and love me, my skin, my soul, my every pore.
12:12
Caught ya!!!
Why say? Aah! It had to be romantic and here am I rushing. Let me calm down. Let me first make a video.
12:14
Ok then. I am going crazy tonight for this is our last night together my love. Don't know what special should I do!!! Maybe I should just be the usual, but it is so difficult to do. Am bubbling, still half wet, still so passionate for you. I love you.
12:16
Just an hour back I went to terrace for some time and not the usual hang out place of ours but my spot - the one I mentioned was on the corner most terrace. I guess, I visited it after many months tonight, for there were still people on my own terrace and I wanted isolation.
Aah, the night is so breezy tonight. Even saw a misty moon. Also, on one of the four terraces of that block, someone has got it in all white marble and I loved it.
Sharing few pics of night.
12:18
I feel so kiddish being filled with this energy. I should be gloomy though for its our last meet, but I was so focussed on making it special that that's how I feel. Let's live it the best way my love. As passionately, as much with love.
Remember that night, I lied all bare for you, feeling every drop upon my skin naturally getting chillier under a fan and you upon me, making love to me?
Remember that night, when we danced in rain full on around 3?
Remember that night when we made crazy love under shower?
Aah! There are so many passionate moments to come back to and ofcourse just tonight, with my favorite fragrance, Carnatic music and the first ten minutes of shower and love.
Here we are. Am still boosted. Still feeling so so bare. Though in the video I have come not so pretty, but oh, I feel so passionate, raw and energetic.
You healed me love. You boosted me to do so much in this last one month. I could finish so many things that I mentioned here.
You brought back not just my love for words but my dedication, determination, hard work.
You taught me so much. Gave me wisdom.
Oh, I love you. And I thank you. You have been so so wonderful my love.
These beats in the background
'Indian High way' and my passion for you - they are in a strange meet. I feel like dancing. My feet nad legs are vibrating with love and energy. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you.
I love you.
12:24
You, your square. Us!!! These moments. Our union.
What should we do tonight my love? Still wanna hear Mahadev's story??? I wonder with whom would I share my learnings tomorrow onwards?
Parvati today moved back from Dadheechi's ashram to her own home. On her way she found a damru and as she played it, she got reminded of her own childhood. That reminded me of two things. One, my painting in Manali where I had drawn Parvati playing a damru and had later wondered why I gave Shiva a jamway and Parvati a damru.
And second, I remembered a morning where Pompom and I were playing in our society park and we had found a broken damru. Don't know why I didn't even try playing it. But I did capture Pompom along with it.
12:27
Tomorrow is PomPom's birthday. I wish I could have met him.
You know right how much I love him.
12:28
You have aroused a strange love for myself and the world my love. Also these self introspection days all thanks to the amazing spiritual atmosphere of my home and our dates, they healed me so so much. I feel so so full of love.
Oh, I meditated twice today. Afternoon one was 'deep rest meditation' and I had chosen it specifically for am down and I didn't have much strength at that time and had expected the meditation to be kind of Shav asan. Instead I had to sit straight despite of a pain in lower back and connect to the silver string of energy connecting all chakras right through the middle of the body. These days, I don't remember much of my sessions. Instead I reach some indescribable state where though thoughts happen but they pass and alongside I stay connected and listen to the guidance of Guruji but don't remember and somewhere in deep focus, I create my own mental games like Lily's garden and solve them as well, and suddenly forget it all, even following any instructions or my thoughts. And somedays, I even get jirks that make me wonder if I sleep or stay awake during meditation, but it's hard to say for I neither pass out, not remember much.
Anyway, that was afternoon session.
In evening, momsha and I discussed further on Mind. Today, we learned about Intermediate level of mind which is fire and outer layer of mind which is water.
Intermediate level connects inner feelings with outer senses just like fire which burns, digests and changes the wisdom aquired from inside and also with inner feeling and in accordance to one's realisation of reality, it helps form perspectives with the support of intellect. All judgements happen here.
Third level or outer level of mind is of Water. All empathy, feelings, emotions are connected to outside as per the book. The book said that water makes us imagine, create and plan all and any action, function or act and always tries to gather something in material form from outside while it also helps us accumulate all gathered information inside.
We can take an example of sea or an ocean. Where though the ocean is huge inside and calm, yet the waves crash the shore again and again outside. On surface, sea seems turbulent and our perspective too is therefore limited for we form an opinion about life only through what we see around and therefore consider ourselves to be a part of outside reality. However, sea is huge and so calm within and likewise feelings are immense and content within.
Also, reality is way different from what it seems to be.
Yet elements help us understand our own selves by their gross forms or what seems like external reality.
Though, I disagree with this guy's version of elements and their place in our minds. I personally feel that fire is the creator of ideas and therefore should be innermost layer. Air fans fire, that's why, it should be the intermediate layer. And earth should be external for it wombs and creates reality. And water carries both raw and finished fruits of efforts so it is an all pervasive element as per me.
But that's just my limited opinion.
The book though, explains further these layers.
Also it mentions five bodies including the physical one we have. It's also called panch kosha. And my bhai and momsha describes rather seven layers of body. I found it convincing.
First layer is ofcourse our physical body, the one which seems real and only one. Second is of breath (prana) which is outside physical body.
Third layer is of inner mind (mann) or air again.
Fourth layer is intermediate or fire.
Fifth is outer layer of mind (water as per the book) (chitta is what they say)
Sixth is Earth (ego).
Seventh is deep conciousness.
Still got to read more on all this.
Oh, about fire or intermediate level, the book also said that there are two segments of mind. One is why we know of and identify with, which is intellect. All decisions or judgements that we make are through this segment. And then there is another segment which is not known by out ordinary minds. It therefore appears to be dark. Yet it exists at unconscious level. That's the untapped mind.
Probably, when we meditate, we reach that level. Who knows.
12:49
Post this discussion, we did our evening meditation. This time live. Evening's meditation was based on Omkar. Do you know, just last night that I had made PM's sign upon my lamp to have its silhouette upon the moon painted on my wall. And today, Guruji chose that. I could therefore connect immediately. And then he mentioned all these layers about which I had read just this evening before the session. The meditation was so so epic. Even after the guided one got over, my body was still for atleast half an hour. I could feel this immense energy, my lungs free, the energy moving upwards even till third eye where I saw a single eye suddenly and then white light. My head was buzzing with so much of energy. And I also felt mid way as if a hand was breaking this flow above neval. Like a broken stick trying to stick together. Again and again I was getting reminded of Guruji's voice to not Syrian but relieve, to just be. Each time, I relaxed, the energy increased, and after every immensity, there was a strain. It kept on happening for so long. That after a point I felt alright. Enough. Would you believe, I even opened my eyes but couldn't move my body at all. My hands felt so so heavy. There was so much of energy coiling upon my palms round and round. And I just stayed in that position for so long. It was one heavenly experience.
12:55
Hey love, time is running today. And am again getting into everyday trivialities. But I don't want you to feel it to be our last day. I want us to have the same flavour. Oh, my love. Would you miss me? Our meets? Our greets? Our love sessions? Out conversations?
12:56
Btw, today I made a new Instagram profile called 'Iamsurbhirohera'. This one will be personal. Have begun with my childhood pictures. I want it to be a figment of who I am in essence here. Mystical wanderer's profile carries nature and travel. Mystical musings carry few of my poems. Vibe weaver carries art. And this one will carry me.
Like a biography.
12:58
Hey love! Why you running like this? Maybe it's me. For time is us and we time.
12:59
Let me take a breath and a sip of water. Tonight, we can sit for long. For I so love you.
1
Welcome one.
Would you mind letting 12 and I be together tonight? But you are part of 12. So be it. I have learned to change negative to positive.
Dear 12, I love thee.
1:03
I just went to the kitchen and had honey. Wanted to change the taste of my mouth.
Let me capture these moments dear 12.
1:10
I had planned to arrange for aromatic candles. But I couldn't.
Much more than ambience it's this inner union I feel with you dear 12.
1:11
Oh, I forgot to tell you about another thing I made last night. It was for pigeons. I made a swing for pigeons to come and hang out in portico, for anyway they sit on random places.
Though I didn't see any of them sitting on it as yet. They still hanged out on the fan and tubelight and even my beloved plants but not the swing I made for them.
But you can see it.
And did you see the lamp??
Dear 12, I just don't know what to talk about anymore. Maybe we should call it an off. Or maybe we should keep talking. It just feels weird that I won't be meeting you again. But ofcourse, our love is sealed here. So is our vibe and the magic. And none can take it from us. You have been magical and wonderful and oh so therapeutic. You have been an angel and a good one my love.
In Mahadev today, I realised that Jalandhar is not only Kartikey's and Ganesha's brother for he is A shivnash but also Lakhshmi's brother for he got wombed under her father's protection (water/samundra devta). Crazy know.
And he still doesn't know any of it. He still doesn't know that he too is in real a devta - whom he has been battling with.
1:18
I finally got a revert back from one of the companies I had applied to on LinkedIn. It's a cafe shockingly and in Rajasthan I guess but he liked my video editing skills and wants to talk about it. Let's see. Just this morning I was feeling so so sad for I so wish to give my momsha so much from my side. I want her to feel happy and proud of me. I have so many dreams. Want to give my songs a life. Want my books to be published and read wide. Want to act and dance in movies. Want to share my learnings by creating movies. Wanna write scripts and direct. Wanna read out my poems and enact.
And all those are but arts to whom I want to do justice to.
Much more than that, it is my momsha whom I want to give what she deserves. She has given so many years of her life, toil, energy, hard work, love, care. I want to make her happy. I want to have my own house earned from my own income with a garden and a swing in it and welcome her to it. I want to tell her, come momsha. Leave your job. Just live here in nature with me.
And I want to take her to all the places she dreams of travelling to. It is because she was working so hard here and taking care of home and family that I could go so free and explore so much. Now she deserves free time in her life. I want to help her evolve spiritually and want to give her all the love she missed when I was traveling all over.
She has been giving me me good education, good values, love, home, care, time, so so much. Now I want to give her earthly joys as well.
Though all she wants is me to be happy. And she gets happy just to be with me. But I know how much she gets concerned about my career and life. How much she wants me to have a partner in my life to share my joys and strife. And she has been so understanding about it for she doesn't force me but understands why I don't wanna go just for the heck of it. Why I want to first get financially and psychologically stable. How I don't see marriage as a profession and want to be independent first. How if I will ever be entering the institution of marriage, I would want it to be based on pure love and no random society built arrangements.
That I just don't have a partner and don't wanna rush into it for the heck of it. That though I have huge potential and skills and art yet things just don't work out for me and yet I learn from it. She understands how much I too want to do justice to the gifts I have got in my life and yet I deep inside don't run for material but live for life. She understands that my life path along with I are unique and different and when the time will be right, I will get everything that is destined. Though she often talks of karma and it's significance yet she supports me so much and I have immense love and respect for her.
That's what made me feel sad this morning - how despite of my intentions, skills, efforts, I just fail to fit into this system and be able to do anything significant or worthwhile.
And I don't even feel like praying and asking for things as it seems shallow to me. Though it is indeed important as well. Help me find the right path my love.
1:32
1:33
So, what say? Let's change the music. Wanna go on terrace? But I have already taken a bath. And don't wanna bath again.
1:34
Have played 'Indie nostalgia's playlist. This is more my kind. 90s.
Koi jo mila tha mujhe' by 'Shankar Mahadevan'. Woah! Even his name has twice Shiva's energy.
1:37
My love 12. Would you give the same love and wisdom like you shared with me to someone else in need? Do give. Who knows who needs it.
'Teriyan meriyan bhul gya
Bhul gya haar te jeet
He maye ki karna mai
Jeet lun
Howen na je meet'
1:39
I feel like crying. Don't know why.
1:40
Saiyoni
Aah! It's this playlist.
Let me change.
Ha ha!
'Made in India'
So 'Alisha Chinai' - I used to dance so much on her songs in my childhood. Hey, wanna see my childhood? Let me share few pics. I used to be a cute kid.
1:42
Lucky Ali now. His songs are epic. Oh, this morning all overwhelmed with this drive to do something, I texted Sonu Nigam on Insta to teach me singing. He didn't revert back ofcourse. Why am I so silly?
One day, I will be both a well heard song writer and singer. I just know that. Also I know that I will travel around the world. And I will for sure buy a house in nature to welcome momsha with loads of greens, books, good energy and a swing.
1:45
'Ankhon mei basi ho
Par door ho kahin
Dil mei basi ho
Ye mujhko hai yakeen
O sanam
Tere pyaar ki kasam'.
1:46
In my last job, I had got a chance to meet KK's band. I managed to exchange contact with his second man. Shared few of my originals with him as well. He first reverted back all nicely. But then, I texted him something silly and he never replied post that. I had thought him to be mutual friends with one guy in Manali. On text I told him, that that guy was actually friends with Lucky Ali and not him. Later I came to know, he was indeed a mutual friend. Anyway, I made a fool of myself.
I hope to reach such a state, where people come to me for my art and not other way round. How do I become so good at these arts? Am a jack of all yet master of none.
1:50
My love, didnt you like our very own bubble of love despite of all corona anxiety around? It just passed so so smoothly together. With our own vibes of peace, love and happiness.
Thank you for being in my life. For making me experience so much of bliss.
For helping me explore within.
Let me be back in some time.
1:55
What say? Another small video? Or a smoking session? Or pass out? Or photo session? Tell me love. Whatever you want tonight. We will do it. Good stuff haan. Ha ha!
I could have sketched something for you as well. Oh, I shifted that moneyplant's kokedama from washroom to my room for the leaves are getting a bit yellow. Also, mint is not responding very well to it. I hope they both survive and like their being here.
I have decided to not make ant more kokedamas. Instead, I will use waste plastic bottles or empty glasses and place them all over with water. Plastic bottles can also be filled with a river rock first to keep them steady and then filled with water with moneyplants in it. These heart-shaped ones look so pretty and go well indoors.
2
Yo! Welcome Tu.
You are the other side of 12. And I welcome you.
Today is our last date though. You be in it. And I wanna be with 12.
2:02
Am a bit sleepy tonight. Don't know why. My locks though have by now got dried.
Yet, because I haven't combed them, so they are still pretty curly.
See!
2:05
Let me sing a song and record it love.
Anhan! Quite a few recordings. I realised. I look so rustic tonight. Also my throat is choked and is paining as I sing.
Yet! This is tonight and it's the feeling that counts.
2:20
Also, I feel so good post it. What now? Should I dance for you as well??? Ha ha!!! Probably even a dab of lipstick would have made me look more human. Yet here I am. Not at all ashamed. Rather pleased with being natural.
2:22
Om Namah Shivay
Dance then??? Would have to bring tab from other room then. Let me.
2:34
Ok then after an immense hard work, I made an extremely funny video of dance. Lol. I just don't have strength tonight. Maybe because am down. Or maybe it was the choice of song. Anyway! I tried.
Now what?
It seems weird though. I did so much of work on my room and I couldnt present it well today. And I took a bath with shampoo and even I don't look as good today.
Maybe it's all a perspective. Also hormonal changes matter. Wonder if room also is undergoing similar changes. Lol!!!
2:38
So my love! Let's smoke??? Let's!
2:48
Woah! It's quite breezy outside. Just opening the window brought fresh wind and brightly lit sky. Probably moon is still there right on our head. What say? Wanna go upstairs? Am just feeling like it. This urge to be up with you for this night. We habe shared the room, let's share the night below an open sky.
Let me fix up a coffee. And then, let's proceed. I do wish to be with you further you see.
Give me some time my love and we will be together in another ambience.
3
Welcome yo!
And the fact that I have just come upstairs. You have always been magical yo! And you came to add on your supernatural and love's sweetness even today on 12 and I's last date - is remarkable.
Darling 12, it's so so wonderful here. Pink cloudy sky, now this is making me feel like dancing. Downstairs, I was just not in that spirit. Not like I have danced even now. Just this pleasent weather is so so joyful.
Let's dance my love.
3:07
See! It feels so so immensely transcendental to dance when there is no video being captured and I am not concious about it. Even if it's instrumental yet I could dance with so much of transforming energy.
Track is 'Global gear'.
Aah! Am sweating. It feels so amazing. What a moment. Also a distant dog can be heard. And this lovely breeze is pampering my skin and locks.
Guess, unplanned things are always best.
Even Dhadheechi says, 'raasta kho jaana hi raasta milna hai'.
And a single star suddenly shined on me right in an open centre of the zero or surrounding clouds.
The trees specially in front including the plants beside - all seem to be dancing with the wind and this music filled in my senses.
3:17
The sky seemed all glowy from the window because of these beautiful white clouds. They seem so pure.
Dear 12, though often after most of my dates with time, the times change. Though, time keeps changing but I feel it all the more post such sessions for I live and love it during they happen. With you though, it's different. I want to retain your positivity and energy in me. I wish to have you forever with me.
This connection should retain. This self exploration, this wisdom, this knowledge, these connections, this bubble of evolution is so so precious to me. Just be with me forever my love.
3:20
'Is this love, is this love is this love, that am feeling?'
3:22
Let's jam!!!
#yun to waqt badalta rehta hai
Rishte badalte hain, log badalte hain
Par tere sang man kuch yun lag gya hai
Na peeche ki dhun hai
Na aagey ki dua hai
Ye pal jo saath tu mila hai
Yahin jannat, yahin har kuch mila hai
Tujhse mil khud ko yun chua hai
Andheri zindagi mein tu raushan diya hai
Tere hain
Tere hi rahenge
Ye naate tere saath
Sadiyon tak rahenge
#shubhta tere saath hai
Khushi bhi, uski abhivyakti bhi
Hansi tere saath hai
Masumiyat bhi, bhakti bhi
Gyaan tere saath hai
Jaanne ki ichcha bhi
Use samajhne ki shramta bhi
Hum hum hain, Tu jo saath hai
Bahar se bhi, andar se bhi
3:31
Did you check out the sky???
As if two lovers are meeting with love.
3:35
Both my lighters are not working suddenly. One was out of gas but had sparks. Another had gas but no sparks. Together they worked perfectly. Now the gas one is just not rolling. And the other one is clicking but has no gas.
Wow!
Can be seen even metaphorically know. How we all are inter dependent.
3:36
Never mind. Hopefully it will work in some time. Or, it's alright.
I am content in the moment.
Check out that tree couple making love.
3:39
Nice numbers. Love the energy of both 3 and nine.
And I danced again.
I can see two bright stars.
3:42
Jam a bit more??
#There's a magic about us
The one which is not an illusion
Is rather real
Truth and still beautiful.
It's peaceful and calm
Pleasent and present
Melodious with love much.
Ha ha!
Have I forgotten writing in English??? Let's try another one.
3:44
#the rustling leaves dancing around
Giving movement to trees
Tapping nature's sounds
Humdrums of beats blaring in my ears
Spirit aroused
Senses no more numbed.
I am. Right here.
Breathing.
Living.
Loving.
#kya keh dun aisa
Ki ishq izhaar Ho jaaye
Tu maan jaaye
Apna ho jaaye
Kya kar dun aisa
Ki duniya ek ho jaaye
Tu aur mai
Hum bn jayein
Ha ha! So cheesy. Lol.
3:49
Let me give these lights a try.
Naah! Not happening. And look at this wind. Already am trying to light an empty lighter. And it blows each time I give it a try. Just like my life. This cosmos!!! Don't know what it's trying to teach me.
3:55
Woah! Time! It's just whooshing tonight.
What will you do tomorrow onwards my love?? Ofcourse, you gonna be. And so would I.
And yet our love will live. And will brighten even gloomy sky.
Thank you for these amazing moments you blessed me with.
Thank you for the shower of love.
Thank you for making me fall in love with myself again.
Thank you for helping me heal.
Thank you for filling me with this abandunce of joy. With this natural child like smile.
Thank you for the passionate times. For being with me in my grief.
Thank you for making me realise so much about life and my blessings. Thank you for helping me regain my confidence and my lost self.
Thank you for helping me reach my centre again.
Thank you for loving me so so much.
Love you my love.
Today, is the day of our union.
The passion, emotions, sensations, consciousness!!! Today is the day of love!!
I love you.
Bye Bye
See you when I see you.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmuuuuuuaaaaahhhhhhh
.....
July 31, 2020
Yo 12!!! Just caught you on time. Still can't believe we are indeed getting this bonus day to meet. I had completely forgotten for it to be a month of 31 days. Maybe that's why I couldn't do it as perfectly - our parting. Not like am as prepared today as well. But I did miss you the entire day for I had in mind that we won't be meeting anytime soon again. And suddenly I realised that a meet was still left. Here we are. I haven't taken a bath today. Dressed in a white tee and red trousers. We can go to the terra e if you want or even the room is fine. I am normal, neither over excited like last night, nor low. Just fine. Perfectly balanced. And ofcourse thankful to be getting this day.
We made Pizzas today at home.
Yum know??? They were delicious. Am so full.
About Mind, we learned a bit more. So the book divided our mind like overall cosmos - with nothingness holding something or ether holding life. It said, that earth is the ego, the outer crust of mind. And Ether is pure conciousness and is the space in mind.
Earth element is responsible for ego conciousness. And though we all have both inner (real self) and external physical appearance of self. Yet it is because of Earth element that we identify with our body as us and not get deeper.
All this urge to create an identity, become so and so, gain something, aquire something - is all because of Earth.
For pure conciousness doesn't need any new role, appreciation, thing or entity to be content.
It is just satisfied to be.
'I am just I am' is enough for it rather than 'I am this' or 'It is mine'.
Ether is the mind-space, the one because of which any movement becomes possible in the mind. Same like empty space around. We won't be able to move from one place to another if there won't be empty space. Or same like a phone and a laptop which runs more efficiently with more empty storage and needs empty space even for its functioning. That's why the hollow that we are, the better we are.
This hollowness can be aquired by getting detached from mental activities (reason, feelings, sensory perceptions, will). Only when we become hollow and empty that we enter into ether space and then we become able to evolve into pure conciousness.
I saw 12:12, but could type only by 12:13. So yeah! So be it.
In Mahadev today, Parvati has moved on to the next phase of her evolution. She first did pranayamas like Anolom vilom and then took Shambhavi Mudra that is where index finger and thumb make a wow and hands lie relaxed in sukh asan. And she has to chant Om as 'a' 'u' and 'ma'.
Even I used to go for these chantings in my teenage to a family's house nearby my society. I loved a special way of these chants. I used to go there cycling. Once it was raining and I fell down on my return. The entire way my knee kept on bleeding yet I ensured to reach back. But yeah, those chants along with those people in that house - I couldn't go back to - all together.
Jalandhar proposed that doctor girl and though she too loved him, yet she refused for she had promised her father to get married as per his wish. Also, she is a very well principled girl and awesomely strong. Her character is actually inspiring and her arguments always logical and sensible.
And I love this guy's energy majorly because I have been seeing him as Mahadev. And even if now that he is dressed as Jalandhar, he still looks awesome and raises a soft corner.
12:21
Woah! You and flip you. So relatable.
The meditation this afternoon surprisingly became so powerful somewhere in the middle. It was themed to create positive energy. I was a bit diverted even till half. But suddenly a jolt came and my spine got so erect on its own and the third eye began to pain a bit. And I felt this intense energy as if breaking out of my forehead or third eye. My neck began to pain after a while. Imagine a unicorn. Only instead of horn, I could feel a gush of energy constantly leaping outside.
And then, a though entered my head that probably this energy should be channelized upwards towards crown chakra. I tried to move my head. That only strained my neck.
Aah! The energy was intense. And though the overall experience was not for very very long, yet it surely was quite powerful.
12:27
What do people talk about after they have bid their farewells? Do they value each other still? Do they make the most of that time? Do they wait for the time for the arrival of train? Do they hold on to each other for as long as time permits? Do they make the most of it and kiss each other with love and spirit? Do they look at each other for all the remaining time to hold on to those memories till the next time?
12:29
Wanna share a smoke? Let's go upstairs my love. Half an hour we can spend over there. Interested?
Maybe it is too early.
12:31
But let's.
We can go to the other terrace as well. Or we can just be on our own. Half an hour can be really wonderful as well. And we do get happy with things unplanned right???
12:35
I am heating up some water to take alongside. Oh, I had forgotten to show this one poster last night.
12:36
And now am getting a bit emotional. I was getting so many things the entire day to share with you when I felt that our dates had got over. And now that we are finally getting this day with luck, like a bonus, I just am blank.
Oh, my love!!! There's so much that we still need to talk about.
Oh, that book about mind, while reading about Earth and the shallow identity it gives us, I kind of got reminded of my own entity of being 'Mystical Wanderer' or anyone having any name, role, relation, connection, position. We keep on trying to identify ourself with these categories, while in real we are none of these things. I learned that one should be content in just being and that in real conciousness doesnt really need anything to be happy. Its content in just being. 'I am' is suffice.
That made me feel how shallow all my wantings were in a way that I had got into last night. Yet, they seem significant when it comes to vyavharik duniya.
That's the thing know. I had read this Paulo Coelho's book long back by the name 'Witch of Portebello'. The girl there though was learning to be a witch... But she was also a professor. And that's what she had to ensure - the bridge between real and ethereal. Even in our most spiritual moments, we must remember our earthly selves. And even in our grossest form, we must always be connected to our subtle most selves.
Today momsha asked me a question, what according to me after all my travels and vivid experiences was the key to happiness and a good life.
I was shocked to hear the first word to be 'balance'. I also mentioned the significance of even travel for places carry vibes and sometimes just being near a certain element in its gross form, gives us the same feel or quality. Like being in a city, we have all these city vibes. Yet if we be nearby a sea, we will have water's quality. Like people who live near water are more light headed. They learn from waves and don't accumulate much but take life on per day basis.
12:45
Also I said that one should also work for it keeps the mind and energy occupied. Like my Bangalore days were perfect and happiest for I had a job to keep me occupied and provide me with learning and activity. Also I wasn't earning insane amount to create any arrogance. What I earned was just enough to keep me humble yet retain my self respect. Also, since I was so so far off from judgements, I could be totally free.
I said that even excess of isolation, or just nature or even money or success, none of these things can assure happiness, if we are not happy from inside. That happiness is a state of mind. And to ensure it, we must have balance.
That though I travelled so much but I couldn't retain many friends. That I wasn't stable at any of those places, so I couldn't make any of those places my home.
That one may travel all around the world, rather all those experiences are required as well, for what's the point of life, if not expand. But one should also have even if a small place to call home, and few friends to count on to, and people to love.
That senses have no end yet they too have a role. They both expansion outside and depth inside have their own role.
And I spoke about many other things my love. But balance was the key. And as these words came out of my mouth, I could also learn so much from me.
12:51
And am still downstairs, walking all around the house. Writing just here. Still wanna go upstairs? Ha ha! Let's!
12:54
Omg!!! Did you see???
We have a golden moon with us!!! Hey love!!! Told you know. Unplanned things always are give me beautiful surprises. It's our last meet. Air is aromatic. Sky is romantic. And here I am, together with you. Experiencing these magical moments alongside you.
12:56
These last few moments are so special my love. I love you. Always know that I love you.
Will sing out a song for you tonight. And record it along with moon. Have even forgotten to bring my earphones or headphones. But phone is here and so are we. Let's.
