1.08.19
1:08 AM
Old Manali
Dear 1. You are the one. I got late on our first meet... Yet may be, this is the perfect time. This is how we were supposed to meet. In the middle of so much of chaos, yet a bubble of love and peace.
1:11
Yo!
That's triple the you. I am in Old Manali in a room that I have been living in - for past three months.
My dog Blue - my everything these days - I just got the most angry with him (for he bit my shoes despite of knowing he was not supposed to)ever since we have met. Then as usual, I took out my anger by being rude to a dear friend who in his heart loves me as much to bear my mood swings.
I don't know why I lose my control from my emotions so much. They just get extreme - good or bad. Love or hate. Care or anger.
It's raining over here. Such romantic weather. I have had quite passionate times over here earlier. This trip however has been way different - way dark. Yet, I can so feel the transition taking place. I can so feel changes causing so much of turbulence in my soul and spirit.
This time I have solid projects in my life. There are real life changes that I wish to bring in the world. And even I am surprised that despite of so much capitalism and it's impacts, there is a part of me as young and energetic still to bring the right social changes. I do understand the need of every color spiritually. Yet, being an artist I also understand the value of brush strokes. And that is exactly what I am working on - giving right lines, angles and shades to my life.
There are so many complexities that I am caught in - moral, social, spiritual... So many questions bother me and change my trip suddenly. Few of my friends call me flip, for I've become so so so moody.
I have lost my patience with stupidity or inhumanity. Bad morals make me react spontaneous and intensely. Yet, another side of mine understands it all and the reason of it along with different evolution levels.
It's raining immensely and I so wish to be at peace so that I can make our meet happy and worth it, yet all I have is anger and all I can write about right now is also quite chaotic.
I don't know love why are we meeting here in Old Manali. Yet here in mountain mamma's womb, everything happens for a reason and each moment is magical.
For past four months, my life on mountains here has been quite full of nature, art, music, treks, apples, apricots, dogs (a lot of them).
In my last trip, in Goa, I had become so much white and had fallen so much in love with the world that alI I had was pain or guilt or abundance of love or forgiveness. I had kind of lost my dark self - the one that seeked pleasure in taking revenge.
I had become so white that anybody and everybody could dominate me. This trip was meant to give me my black dot and make my Yin-yang balanced.
It is always an exploration anyway. With time, my travel curiosity has turned into understanding life and self and I don't really care about many things that were way significant, even till last year.
How does it feel to be on top by the way? Now that we are meeting, I would love to taste being you for a bit. Though, this is also the only time in many years, that being alone scares me and nights no more give me the peace they always used to provide me with. Yet, I have always taken pride in being a solo traveler. I am just learning to embrace the real meaning of it these days. For real solo is even aloof from body. It is complete darkness. It is the truth. Reality. Emptiness.
Going out on your own is still easy, for even then, there are so many places and people to keep the senses occupied. What happens when there is nobody and nothing and you still are fully alive. What happens when you look at your own body from outside and realise - even that is not you!
Everytime I change my life with a sudden swift and in that transition phase where for a specific time, I have no friends, no lifestyle, no routine, no responsibility, no desires, no fruits of efforts... And it is all stagnated - the left mind... It is then that the sterility and futility of life is experienced.
I am still trying to embrace it. Yet, it seems a waste of life to not be Alive. While I do understand now, atleast in theory - that even this active life that we see around is but an illusion. A child's play - full of sainta clause and dragon.
I don't know what it is that we gonna learn together. Yet it will be my pleasure and an honour to discover you better. Let's evolve together my love. Probably, I check out from here tomorrow. Maybe, we meet in a different vibe and mood tomorrow. Who knows.
For now, Adios my love!
Enjoy the rain!
Om Namah Shivay!
***
1 AM, Old Manali
Aug 2, 2019.
Dear one... It's just one day and already you have brought magical changes to my life. I have shifted to a new room. This is at a bit higher altitude and is way more peaceful. I am concerned about my dog Blue though, for he wasn't there when I shifted. And he would for sure go at night to my old room to sleep and then won't find me there.
Well, am sure, I will meet him in a day or two - somewhere or other.
I just had very satisfying meal after a long time. It was desi and luscious. Proper Indian meal is a rarity with me otherwise.
Let me switch on the geyser. It will feel great to have a bath and then sleep. Or probably I will do it directly tomorrow for I wish to be in the other room which is currently under repair.
Now that I have shifted here, I can focus on better projects that I really wish to work upon. About garbage, street dogs, art and music. I don't know why but things seem quite sorted suddenly, even if initially I felt a bit unwelcomed. I gotta make it my home.
Aah! Travel teaches a lot. Don't know how I had skipped the being home part.
Anyway, it's a relief to step out of that trip. It was so so dark. Now seems so peaceful in comparison. Though it's a comfort zone that I've left behind. And leaving any comfort zone is a bit painful initially.
It would be a complete shocker for many tomorrow. Especially for Maahi and Manya - who are my friend's daughter (though I'm more fond of them), Blue, and few more special friends. Also to me I guess, for after three months, I would be taking this direction again - towards peace.
There is a mild white night bulb lit - right outside my glass window. After that is entire old Manali valley, then Bea's and then Vashishth. I can see mountains, clouds, distant market, hint of road - well, literally the heart of
Old Manali. I can hear the sound of water falling upon some mountain rock and also the music of the river.
I gotta build my own vibes. I gotta create what am meant to create.
Right now I have shivers running down my skin. Also am a bit scared. Like very very less but yes! Some element of fear is still alongside and I don't know why!
Also, am sleepy after having so much. Probably it is also because of the location of this guest house. It is so peaceful that you would forget the world and also self for a second.
It's raining outside. Romantic weather. Yet none to love. Wish Blue was here. These people by the way are dog friendly - an entire dog family already stays here. Though Blue gets scared of them, but I hope they become friends soon. Else, it will be an issue for me to stay here.
1:21
Yo!!! Cool chemistry. Imagine 1-2-1 as an ideal chemistry between two individuals. Say, they create a common platform, yet also retain their unique abilities.
123
Yo!!! Working on. Building on. For sure, for sure! Momsha is in Nama Bengaluru and I am so so so missing that city. If there is one city I Iove to live in - in India, then it is Bengaluru. And if there is my all time love for any spot, then it is old Manali. We are meeting at my soul's home love, we should better make it worth it. Or who knows. It can be worthful, if can also not be so worthless.
I am so so sleepy that my eyes are getting shut on their own.
Also, am thinking of Blue - again and again. He is so sensitive. And has such high EQ. I don't know how he will react to so many changes at the same time, when he wasn't even there. But I just knew - I had to step out. Don't know why I was so hard bent upon it. Imagine I checked out at quarter to 12 at night.
Who does that? Who leaves a three months' long connected room randomly and with that much haste? I do! I am flip like that. I keep on bearing as many BTs as possible. I even let it spill outside. And then comes a time when am totally drowned in it. Yet, a tiny hope always stays inside. A flame stays lit inside.
Though this was a metaphor.
1:31
Cool yo! Twice you with magic of three.
There's this rare Punjabi song that always makes me smile and sing along - 'Lamborghini chalai jaane o'
I don't know why have I become so so rude in my life - that too to my own friends. One should be kind and empathetic... I do understand others' emotions and reasons, yet these days, I have kind of lost control from my anger or words. One reason can be - that I haven't been writing much recently. And poetry for be is like oxygen - it's a need to lent out, the craving to keep on creating.
My bed is so fresh -, all white, very soft. And am full and relaxed. Probably just passing out here would be a great therapy. But something sweet in mouth would have been the perfect icing on cake.
Best thing about this room is that it's clean. My major concern in previous guest house was it's garbage and lack of cleanliness. I just can't think straight - in dirty surroundings. Probably that is why I have got so fucked up in my expressions and reactions.
1:40
Alright my love! With a constant drizzle, from the womb of Himalayas, upon a soft white bed inside a clean, pale yellow room with a mild light, I bid you farewell tonight!
Will meet tomorrow.
Love! :*
***
1 AM, Old Manali
Aug 3,19
Dear 1... I wished to meet you in some other room today ... But I did not get the room I wanted. The view however is superb here. Another option I have is to shift inside the village where am also getting a kitchen alongside. But there is no other view then. It is inside village beside a family's room.
I don't know what I should do! For the connect and respect part is missing here in this guest house.
Aah! I haven't been able to settle and that's why couldn't even work upon my project. Days just whoosh here in old Manali. Still you live so much in a single days. Time is more psychologically kept here than linear.
Right now am in my balcony, staring at the darkness of the valley - defined by tiny lights on the slanting heights.
I am really concerned about finances today. I gotta figure out some way of survival. Only than will I be able to have peace. Or maybe just my own mental space.
I am wearing a shirt with leggings and feeling really cool in them. My mind is all fucked today - distorted by so many energies. Kind of calm and turbulent at the same time.
Gotta bring my feet on ground. Oh! Btw, I had a magical evening. Full of clouds. This view every evening will be Manali's gift for sure. It will be like Rocky's - only more peaceful. I think I can see a golden star right now. Or maybe it's some distant light. But it twinkles full power! Darkness too has it's shades. I can still make out clouds from mounts.
I haven't written any poems in a long bit. Should I write something now?
For the one in my now.
Dark, lucid, real!
So rude, so rough.
So full of craving.
Straight, in layers.
So close to my
Vulnerability.
So illuminating,
So fascinating.
Bit nostalgic, no creativity.
Yet full of visions
Of it's own shades.
Darkness and it's ranges.
Alright, just wrote something randomly and spontaneously!
I feel like crying today! I went inside a cafe today after more than two years. It used to be my friend's cafe. They got into some feud and after he left, even I never entered in there. I was just nostalgic. Something inside me strongly felt like entering in suddenly and I just followed it. I was quite kashuped as well!
Have you heard this song - 'patience' by 'guns and roses'? I love it. It is so so inspiring.
I also have this crazy though - since you are the one or you can be I. Aren't we all but mirror images of each other? Also, there is this Buddhist philosophy according to which - we are all but an illusion and all that we see around is but mind's creation.
In this trip, I was taught one more thing. I was told that Mind is enemy and is criminal. Therefore either mind should be killed or kept occupied.
I think it will be a bit of a struggle to survive here and also stay focussed on the good that I wish to do. Most of the people who are doing well in terms of their career have been way pessimistic about my project with a list of issues that may pop up from locals' or market side. I somehow don't take it on my heart. I just know I'm supposed to do all that has come to my soul.
Another song I am listening to these days is 'Society' by Eddie Vedder. It is from one of good movies 'into the wild'.
I even went to check with a cafe, if I could have managed their place. They have recently got someone for it. So ya, I would have to figure out something soon.
1:33
This is core Manali and Moment. Last blog I wrote in old Manali was at 3 AM, October, 17.
This is where it was supposed to be.
I seek home moreover these days! That feeling of acceptance, love, wanting from other side. That familiarity, those love rights.
I will go to Delhi in October. That will be ideal time.
I did a tiny sketch today! Just doodle. Still gotta finish it.
I met a guy today who looked exactly like Mayank. Ditto! Only his voice was different. And ofcourse the name. But his face, eyes, expressions... Off.. same to same!
I have an element of fear inside in the moment. Don't know of what and why!
Opposite to me is Vashishth. The lights of numerous houses on that hillside together seem like a lady with two arms, torso and body - all connected with dotted lights!
1:42
Delhi bells!
I got thrilled to have that panoramic a view in evening. Also, all birds who used to live beside my last room seemed to be dancing upon the tree right behind this guest house's rooftop!
Aah!!! I need better energies around. Been so long I have met many white people. It's mostly black. Mostly dark!
And gradually am understanding it. Yet to be black is kind of unnatural to me. So I don't, until really required.
So many mosquitos in Manali these days. Maybe because of rain, maybe because of garbage. Also spiders and tiny reptiles.
I couldn't bump into Blue even today. He spends maximum of two nights outside. Had I still been in the previous room, I would have been sure of meeting him the next morning. Now, He would be disappointed I know to not find me there.
One thing I feel is that maybe, he is uphill staying very near to me, like right in the bushes behind or upon the cemented rooftop of the next block of the hill. Most probably we'll find each other by tomorrow. Well, hopefully!
Alright my love! Will meet tomorrow!
Mystical Wanderer signing out!
***
1 AM,
Aug 4, 2019.
Old Manali
Dear one .. I have cried immensely today. Don't know why and for what. I just cried. Had so heavy a heart that it all had to be melted away.
An in my room on a Saturday November night. I visited many cafes this evening. Couldn't vibe anywhere. Did dance though. Yet the heart somehow was throughout heavy. So I came back early, had a bath. And here I am, still in the same room, but with a clean bed - done with some unknown pain repressed inside.
I wrote a poem in Hindi after so many days today!
Here's the picture.
This trip has been so so different from rest of my trips. It is harsh, full of pain, yet some kind of relief comes every now and then and somehow am still living with my spirit still alive inside.
Oh, by the way, I went for two hikes today. One early morning while hoping to find Blue.. another in afternoon with Maahi, Manya and their cousins. They are so inspiring. Imagine I have been talking about cleanliness and stuff for so many days. Manya and Maahi hand picked plastic wrappers and bottles from the mountain today. I felt so so proud of them. Also realised where I lack - implementation and getting my hands dirty.
1:11
Anhan! Triple you my love. The triangle. 3. My magical number.
It's weird how I can't help but smile everytime I step outside and meet familiar people. Despite of tears right on brink, or the heart wishing to cry out loud... Yet the lips smile... For I don't believe in spreading pain. I love to share happiness. I instead dance and transform my pain into art.
My previous room was number 6. Even this room number is 204 which adds up to 6. I don't know what this number wants to teach me. But it is so imprisoning yet so attached at the same time. Also the fact that 3 is connected to Manali and 2 is connected to Delhi. While 3 has deep love memories, 2 has guilt, worry, contemplation, desire, wishing, pain in it. And 6 is but a product of both. I can also see it as a sum of 3 and 3 or triple 2s or six 1s. But that would be but too much of a perspective.
I haven't eaten anything after a single chapati in morning. Circumstances and my reactions! Why am I so stubborn and moody? Why am I so fussy in terms of my connections. My close ones are afraid of my anger or getting flipped. Probably my expectation level changes when it comes to people and places that I consider to be mine (in bonding not authority).
Also that I claim very few things and people as mine. I had had that phase as well where the world seemed mine and everywhere felt home. There is this phase as well, where for too long I have seen and faced abandonment. Maybe that's why I got Blue - who too is not so much loved or understood by all. Instead he has but very limited connections - where he is not only accepted but also loved.
I have a bit of headache right now. So wish to sleep, eat, not do anything, go outside and hang out for a bit - all at the same time.
1:33
I don't know why I like the number three. Also such bonds. Also two is good but three is fun. Three gets magical and adventurous.
I have become so so rude in my conduct. So blunt and so rude. Maybe it is required but I got to be polite. This is too upfront and hurting. Only the strong or sensible one can bear my conduct. Anyone else would be crushed just by the words and gestures.
I don't have much to say to you today though. Kind of numbed. Over emotional. Kind of full also hollowed.
O ya, I read somewhere, 1 also represents new beginnings. So ya, if you are that energy in my life, I welcome you. Let me give my best for the right cause.
Love is the key.
Also, the pressure that we exert as we use that key.
That pressure probably is darkness.
Maybe this phase is making me stronger. To be able to carve out the lines darker and clearer.
I so miss Blue. Walked everywhere I could have walked, yet couldn't find him.
'Blue, Blue, Blue... I love you. I miss you. Sorry for being rude to even you whenever I was. Though I feel you understand each and everything... Yet how much mind you actually have - I have no idea. Even humans don't understand their mistakes. They keep on repeating them. And you are but a dog.'
Sometimes I feel that dogs are but spirits - just like humans - only in different bodies. What if being animal actually feels like that - where even if you understand everything, yet you can't express in the same medium. What level of illusion know.
I never get their fight for territory though. Also, I love to intuitively communicate with them.
I think I should take a rain check now. O, Victor is coming on 6th. He is the first person who shifted my focus towards garbage. He is the one who helped me proceed in art and music. I had got heavily influenced by all that he had said to me. He had called himself a spiritual terrorist back then. Now I know why!
Alright my love! Will catch up tomorrow. Mmuah!
1 AM
Old Manali
Aug 5,2019
Dear One at 1:01 ... It was a splendid day for me... And that's why am happy! Right now outside my new room in the same guest house. It is still not the one I wanted, but peaceful somehow. I had lot of music both last night after our meet, this entire evening, even till 15 minutes ago.
Music always soothes my soul.
Also, that few other things got sorted - say my stay and meals. Plus, I am just happy today - I don't know why and for what!
The entire day I kept on trying to do something in my project, but couldn't. And oh, I took Manya and Maahi with their cousins and their father for a hike today! I don't know why it affects me - taking the kids' parents alongside. I get affected by their over fear and lose my own nerves or get angry with their constant 'be carefuls'. Who would intentionally fall anyway.
The skyline is grey and silver in it's shades. Possibility of a moon or who knows some distant light upon the other mount or probably some dream world beyond the clouds.
Breeze is calming and soothing for my skin. I am in a grey A line mini dress with a black crop knitted above on either sides!
Just like the night with it's skyline.
Darkness on one hand though is scary for then you are with your inner fears, but is also powerful and strengthening.
1:11
This time was specially mentioned today by a special person. This is our moment of unison. The triangle. The three ones.
After the first phase of this trip, I had met with two musicians. Somehow we got to jam enough to be connected. Yet, initially, we just didn't know how to walk together. For we all had our own flow. We all were kind of solo souls. Yet we all seeked acceptance, company, love. And we all were music lovers. And that was the connection. The triangle and it's numerous reactions.
I made a macrame bracelet today with a stone in it. It was my first attempt this way and it felt great. Though it's quite small, yet it's super cool. I think, I will gift it to Maahi. Tonight, I will wear it. Tomorrow I will gift it. Or maybe day after. Whenever I will find the perfect moment.
I couldn't go for dinner and now it's Monday - where I fast. Anyway, had had enough in lunch I guess. This way I stay fit as well!
I got to click the first garbage picture today. Yet to upload the platform with it's content. Also, it's the first time, Blue and I - haven't met for three consecutive nights. I miss him now. Seriously. My eyes keep looking for him everywhere that I go.
I wanted him to be independent yes! But I also miss him. Maybe momsha feels the same for me.
Also, that I get scared to sleep alone in my room these days!
1:20 My new room number is 203 . The product is still 6, atleast the sum is 5. And 2 and 3 together - give me both roots with flight!
1:22
'je Hun tu vi Badal gya
Te Mai mar hi jawangi'
I miss Moon these days. Oh! And by the way, I experienced a unique connect with someone today. Hallucinatory. Just in eyes. To the level of telepathic connection. Earlier to this, it was only with dogs or dog lovers. Maybe, he too is a dog lover.
I gave this room a bit of a decor today. Say showcased pebbles and feathers. Also, now my clothes are inside an almira - so it feels more home! Most importantly, the caretakers are no more being rude or prudish. Instead, they are friendly.
1:30
Magical time again. Don't know why I get scared as well when am on my own. OK... So there is a tiny puppy right in the lobby cum shaft of my guest house!
1:33 He just left. All this while I was getting tripped hoping for Blue to be here!
I can also see my previous room from here. And suddenly I imagined a dark trip. Why does my mind keep building things like that these days?
This puppy is getting flip! Why so many rounds? Also that there is none in this guest house tonight!
Ok! Andre returned. Am glad that he is here now!
1:39
Alright! Few things taken care of. These are my moments. Do I get scared of my own self these days?
1:42 Maybe next time onwards I will play some music as well with earphones. That gives me a flow. Though I can hear river music from two directions.
I like going to Folklore. Each time it has been cosy warm vibe with welcoming respectful gestures.
1:45 Alright love! Will get going now. Yoohoo... Bye bye!!!
***
1 AM, Old Manali
August 6.
Alright. So this is the number I have been dealing with in the phase that just passed. I was fasting from last night (actually post lunch from yesterday), and just had half a brownie to give it a completion. Even went to the river to take a bath. Danced insanely in so many cafes. A college friend is here. Kind of hosted him with his friends here. Overall sorted day, except for the work that I should really be focusing on. I don't know why I just can't upload the platform. Something or other happens, each time I decide to work. Or I am just not in the right zeal or mood.
This song is going on in my head - 'does that make me crazy....'.
Let me play it.
The voice is husky, lyrics relatable.
Om namah shivay
Om namah shivay
Om namah shivaya
I am getting to meet another side of Shiva these days! Darkness! Peace! Fear! Interconnection. Nothingness. Interdependency. None. None at all. Dark.
I just wanna express my passion. It's building on - seeking right sail... Like necter sprinkling from brim, unable to find right receptor.
I wanna change how people meet each other. It's barter system that I wish to bring back - not in just matter but also spirit.
1:11
Anhan! Magic moment. Though the one who specified it last night is far far off. Even the one who mentioned it today is right now not here. Yet the moment is special. My own triangle. Like that Goddess Diana who is Luna (Moon Goddess), Nature goddess with deers and caretaker of childbirth - all at the same time.
1:14
I wanted some really good photo shoot today! It wasn't as great as I wanted. Whenever I really really wished it, many people suddenly came by and I couldn't go free, even if I was quite away from main area.
Who knows what night has in store. Who knows what all is gonna hold. I still haven't met with Blue.
I am a bit hungry but not in a mood for brownie. I bought it convincing myself with self care notions. But I wanted some loved one to come and bring me something as a surprise. Why am I becoming so so demanding in terms of my connections. Why do I expect such tiny gestures of care when I hardly keep a check on others life. Maybe it's been a long time that I have been loved without expectations. Also, I miss healthy connections.
1:20
I have a little bit of pain in my legs and lower spine. Btw, the bath in river was short yet so refreshing. Though, it wasp different from my adventures along with Blue. I miss him so much!
1:22
I am craving to do an acrylic painting somewhere. Wish to hold the paint in my palms and use it leisurely with my imagination and flow.
1:25
Bit sleepy tonight! Hoping for some miracle. Don't know what! Don't know why!
Probably, tonight I should stay awake and upload those writings online. Some beginning. Also Victor gonna be here on 6th. That's this morning. Oh! Again a connection of him and my previous room number.
1:37
Their sum again add up to 11.
I should also focus on guitar. Atleast in my previous room I was often inspired to play guitar in portico. Here that is missing. There is no cafe opposite to me with a sweet guy playing at beginner level urging me to practice further on - be better and also leave an inspiring mark.
Here there are lot of clouds, mounts, birds... Maybe they are better inspirations. I gotta relax and tune myself in.
1:40
I so so wish for a leather diary with handmade sheets - but a gifted one. So that I can write out my emotions again in beautiful poems. Why am being fussy about it being of a certain type is because I really wanna write positive this one.
1:41
Bit of pain in my tummy. Maybe it's because I had something solid after more than a day. But I wasn't still hungry. Had it don't know why. Maybe I should keep it like this itself. Not eat much. Make my body and self control stronger. I always wonder why do we have this need of hunger. Why aren't we some imperishable being without such needs, all filled with creativity, all well aware of the purpose - to do it better. Why are so many things hidden and life is but a dark mysterious game?
1:44
Alright my love. See you kal!
Mmmuuuah!
1 : 02, Old Manali
August 7,19
Dear one! I found my Blue. Just now got late by two minutes for I was trying to save him from the dogs who live in this guest house. They were core enemies earlier. Today atleast they didn't fight. I was so anxious about him being accepted over here by all. Hopefully, he will charm everyone with his vibes. If only he won't be notorious. Aah! He is going everywhere. I don't know how to keep a check on him while typing. But ofcourse.... He is growing up. He will explore his territory first. I just got to know a dog's way till my floor. That's where they were all fighting. Probably,I should simply let him go out. Alright! I am flipping between coming outside and going back in. Also,y skin itches... Probably because I gave Blue a full on bath and he was really really dirty. My entire room smells now.
But am so so happy that Blue came back. Am happy that he is back in my life. He wanted to hop on my bed for I had let him do that onmy last stay in previous room.
1:11
Lucky time. Hope I get to meet 'Pole' today. There is some connection there. I don't know why. Gotta figure that out. Even if he keeps claiming to be Devil... Who knows what's the scene like. What am I supposed to learn. Why am I in his life. Why are our paths crossing. Why is this pull, this desire. I don't know what's right! I just follow my soul's voice.
Blue is back! Blue is back! Am just glad to have him back! As if something significantly essential was missing from my life. Even if I was free to go hang out anywhere I liked... Yet what's the point of hanging out anywhere where dogs are not welcomed or liked!
He has got a fresh bath. Am waiting for him to utter out his melodious voice... He almost tweets like a bird. Rarely that he barks. And I love it when he wakes me up in morning... Either with his tweet or gently putting his nose inside my blanket and licking my feet on lower side. I always wake up smiling with this. He means so much to me over here.
There are some people waiting for me upon rooftop cafe ... Maybe I can join them... But maybe it is better this way. You and I and Blue chilling in the same portico.
There is a dark empty sky with few distant dim lights. I don't know why Blue is not sitting beside me. I just can't have enough of him.
I so so love having him beside me.
I finally created a Google account for that garbage thing. Also the others platforms are under process. Content was already ready - description part. Still gotta click and work upon things.
Atleast the basic will be sorted. Then it is fuelling part. Main effort is usually taken in lighting up the fire.
Alright... Blue is giving me a real tough time. He is trying to bite upon my things, climb on my bed and run everywhere but be here. He just needs my attention right now. For he is back after a long time. I know it is my mistake for I shifted without letting him know. But he himself didn't come that evening. Why is he so stubborn?
He is same like me.
Alright! Am sitting on my bed now. So that he can't create any trouble. The door too is open. Also I can hear my friends playing mouth organ upstairs.
Aah! This room stinks of Blue! Why does he smell even after a bath? I don't even have coconut oil today to relieve him of his irritated skin. Wish he gets better.
Ok! He is outside. Probably, I can also sit outside. Or even go up. He has chosen the same spot in balcony where I usually love to sit.
Ok! A guy is singing really bad upstairs. Hahaha! He's funny, damn funny with his singing.
I don't like him much for he lies a lot. And I can't handle lies. Just can't.
1:33
Anhan! Magic on the way. Wish Pole comes. Wish something magical happens. Every night I hope for a miracle. Don't know what is it.
Oh! I took those visiting friends on top of this hill nearby the temple. Maybe that's why I could meet Blue for we both have a connection to that place. Or maybe he might had gone somewhere. I don't know. He is so cute. Right now sitting cutely outside my door for I have latched it.
1:36
Maybe Victor is also back in town. Probably will go and meet him soon.
I am also craving to do some acrylic wall paintings now. Hopefully will change the vibe of this place. Hopefully will make it my home and not just stay.
1:39
Probably I should go upstairs atleast for a chillum. Am feeling like it. But then I won't be able to continue our meet. And the song again comes back to my head,
'Just a little patience, little patience'...
1:40
Alright! Voice really echoes over here. A guy was just now running on the staircase and I could hear loud thumps of it.
I guess, I was almost doing a commentary tonight. Let's meet tomorrow my love. With or without chillum... Focus is essential. Am happy tonight. Also focussed. Love you a lot, a lot. Mmmuuuah!
1:42
Om Namah Shivaay
1:08 AM
Old Manali
Dear 1. You are the one. I got late on our first meet... Yet may be, this is the perfect time. This is how we were supposed to meet. In the middle of so much of chaos, yet a bubble of love and peace.
1:11
Yo!
That's triple the you. I am in Old Manali in a room that I have been living in - for past three months.
My dog Blue - my everything these days - I just got the most angry with him (for he bit my shoes despite of knowing he was not supposed to)ever since we have met. Then as usual, I took out my anger by being rude to a dear friend who in his heart loves me as much to bear my mood swings.
I don't know why I lose my control from my emotions so much. They just get extreme - good or bad. Love or hate. Care or anger.
It's raining over here. Such romantic weather. I have had quite passionate times over here earlier. This trip however has been way different - way dark. Yet, I can so feel the transition taking place. I can so feel changes causing so much of turbulence in my soul and spirit.
This time I have solid projects in my life. There are real life changes that I wish to bring in the world. And even I am surprised that despite of so much capitalism and it's impacts, there is a part of me as young and energetic still to bring the right social changes. I do understand the need of every color spiritually. Yet, being an artist I also understand the value of brush strokes. And that is exactly what I am working on - giving right lines, angles and shades to my life.
There are so many complexities that I am caught in - moral, social, spiritual... So many questions bother me and change my trip suddenly. Few of my friends call me flip, for I've become so so so moody.
I have lost my patience with stupidity or inhumanity. Bad morals make me react spontaneous and intensely. Yet, another side of mine understands it all and the reason of it along with different evolution levels.
It's raining immensely and I so wish to be at peace so that I can make our meet happy and worth it, yet all I have is anger and all I can write about right now is also quite chaotic.
I don't know love why are we meeting here in Old Manali. Yet here in mountain mamma's womb, everything happens for a reason and each moment is magical.
For past four months, my life on mountains here has been quite full of nature, art, music, treks, apples, apricots, dogs (a lot of them).
In my last trip, in Goa, I had become so much white and had fallen so much in love with the world that alI I had was pain or guilt or abundance of love or forgiveness. I had kind of lost my dark self - the one that seeked pleasure in taking revenge.
I had become so white that anybody and everybody could dominate me. This trip was meant to give me my black dot and make my Yin-yang balanced.
It is always an exploration anyway. With time, my travel curiosity has turned into understanding life and self and I don't really care about many things that were way significant, even till last year.
How does it feel to be on top by the way? Now that we are meeting, I would love to taste being you for a bit. Though, this is also the only time in many years, that being alone scares me and nights no more give me the peace they always used to provide me with. Yet, I have always taken pride in being a solo traveler. I am just learning to embrace the real meaning of it these days. For real solo is even aloof from body. It is complete darkness. It is the truth. Reality. Emptiness.
Going out on your own is still easy, for even then, there are so many places and people to keep the senses occupied. What happens when there is nobody and nothing and you still are fully alive. What happens when you look at your own body from outside and realise - even that is not you!
Everytime I change my life with a sudden swift and in that transition phase where for a specific time, I have no friends, no lifestyle, no routine, no responsibility, no desires, no fruits of efforts... And it is all stagnated - the left mind... It is then that the sterility and futility of life is experienced.
I am still trying to embrace it. Yet, it seems a waste of life to not be Alive. While I do understand now, atleast in theory - that even this active life that we see around is but an illusion. A child's play - full of sainta clause and dragon.
I don't know what it is that we gonna learn together. Yet it will be my pleasure and an honour to discover you better. Let's evolve together my love. Probably, I check out from here tomorrow. Maybe, we meet in a different vibe and mood tomorrow. Who knows.
For now, Adios my love!
Enjoy the rain!
Om Namah Shivay!
***
1 AM, Old Manali
Aug 2, 2019.
Dear one... It's just one day and already you have brought magical changes to my life. I have shifted to a new room. This is at a bit higher altitude and is way more peaceful. I am concerned about my dog Blue though, for he wasn't there when I shifted. And he would for sure go at night to my old room to sleep and then won't find me there.
Well, am sure, I will meet him in a day or two - somewhere or other.
I just had very satisfying meal after a long time. It was desi and luscious. Proper Indian meal is a rarity with me otherwise.
Let me switch on the geyser. It will feel great to have a bath and then sleep. Or probably I will do it directly tomorrow for I wish to be in the other room which is currently under repair.
Now that I have shifted here, I can focus on better projects that I really wish to work upon. About garbage, street dogs, art and music. I don't know why but things seem quite sorted suddenly, even if initially I felt a bit unwelcomed. I gotta make it my home.
Aah! Travel teaches a lot. Don't know how I had skipped the being home part.
Anyway, it's a relief to step out of that trip. It was so so dark. Now seems so peaceful in comparison. Though it's a comfort zone that I've left behind. And leaving any comfort zone is a bit painful initially.
It would be a complete shocker for many tomorrow. Especially for Maahi and Manya - who are my friend's daughter (though I'm more fond of them), Blue, and few more special friends. Also to me I guess, for after three months, I would be taking this direction again - towards peace.
There is a mild white night bulb lit - right outside my glass window. After that is entire old Manali valley, then Bea's and then Vashishth. I can see mountains, clouds, distant market, hint of road - well, literally the heart of
Old Manali. I can hear the sound of water falling upon some mountain rock and also the music of the river.
I gotta build my own vibes. I gotta create what am meant to create.
Right now I have shivers running down my skin. Also am a bit scared. Like very very less but yes! Some element of fear is still alongside and I don't know why!
Also, am sleepy after having so much. Probably it is also because of the location of this guest house. It is so peaceful that you would forget the world and also self for a second.
It's raining outside. Romantic weather. Yet none to love. Wish Blue was here. These people by the way are dog friendly - an entire dog family already stays here. Though Blue gets scared of them, but I hope they become friends soon. Else, it will be an issue for me to stay here.
1:21
Yo!!! Cool chemistry. Imagine 1-2-1 as an ideal chemistry between two individuals. Say, they create a common platform, yet also retain their unique abilities.
123
Yo!!! Working on. Building on. For sure, for sure! Momsha is in Nama Bengaluru and I am so so so missing that city. If there is one city I Iove to live in - in India, then it is Bengaluru. And if there is my all time love for any spot, then it is old Manali. We are meeting at my soul's home love, we should better make it worth it. Or who knows. It can be worthful, if can also not be so worthless.
I am so so sleepy that my eyes are getting shut on their own.
Also, am thinking of Blue - again and again. He is so sensitive. And has such high EQ. I don't know how he will react to so many changes at the same time, when he wasn't even there. But I just knew - I had to step out. Don't know why I was so hard bent upon it. Imagine I checked out at quarter to 12 at night.
Who does that? Who leaves a three months' long connected room randomly and with that much haste? I do! I am flip like that. I keep on bearing as many BTs as possible. I even let it spill outside. And then comes a time when am totally drowned in it. Yet, a tiny hope always stays inside. A flame stays lit inside.
Though this was a metaphor.
1:31
Cool yo! Twice you with magic of three.
There's this rare Punjabi song that always makes me smile and sing along - 'Lamborghini chalai jaane o'
I don't know why have I become so so rude in my life - that too to my own friends. One should be kind and empathetic... I do understand others' emotions and reasons, yet these days, I have kind of lost control from my anger or words. One reason can be - that I haven't been writing much recently. And poetry for be is like oxygen - it's a need to lent out, the craving to keep on creating.
My bed is so fresh -, all white, very soft. And am full and relaxed. Probably just passing out here would be a great therapy. But something sweet in mouth would have been the perfect icing on cake.
Best thing about this room is that it's clean. My major concern in previous guest house was it's garbage and lack of cleanliness. I just can't think straight - in dirty surroundings. Probably that is why I have got so fucked up in my expressions and reactions.
1:40
Alright my love! With a constant drizzle, from the womb of Himalayas, upon a soft white bed inside a clean, pale yellow room with a mild light, I bid you farewell tonight!
Will meet tomorrow.
Love! :*
***
1 AM, Old Manali
Aug 3,19
Dear 1... I wished to meet you in some other room today ... But I did not get the room I wanted. The view however is superb here. Another option I have is to shift inside the village where am also getting a kitchen alongside. But there is no other view then. It is inside village beside a family's room.
I don't know what I should do! For the connect and respect part is missing here in this guest house.
Aah! I haven't been able to settle and that's why couldn't even work upon my project. Days just whoosh here in old Manali. Still you live so much in a single days. Time is more psychologically kept here than linear.
Right now am in my balcony, staring at the darkness of the valley - defined by tiny lights on the slanting heights.
I am really concerned about finances today. I gotta figure out some way of survival. Only than will I be able to have peace. Or maybe just my own mental space.
I am wearing a shirt with leggings and feeling really cool in them. My mind is all fucked today - distorted by so many energies. Kind of calm and turbulent at the same time.
Gotta bring my feet on ground. Oh! Btw, I had a magical evening. Full of clouds. This view every evening will be Manali's gift for sure. It will be like Rocky's - only more peaceful. I think I can see a golden star right now. Or maybe it's some distant light. But it twinkles full power! Darkness too has it's shades. I can still make out clouds from mounts.
I haven't written any poems in a long bit. Should I write something now?
For the one in my now.
Dark, lucid, real!
So rude, so rough.
So full of craving.
Straight, in layers.
So close to my
Vulnerability.
So illuminating,
So fascinating.
Bit nostalgic, no creativity.
Yet full of visions
Of it's own shades.
Darkness and it's ranges.
Alright, just wrote something randomly and spontaneously!
I feel like crying today! I went inside a cafe today after more than two years. It used to be my friend's cafe. They got into some feud and after he left, even I never entered in there. I was just nostalgic. Something inside me strongly felt like entering in suddenly and I just followed it. I was quite kashuped as well!
Have you heard this song - 'patience' by 'guns and roses'? I love it. It is so so inspiring.
I also have this crazy though - since you are the one or you can be I. Aren't we all but mirror images of each other? Also, there is this Buddhist philosophy according to which - we are all but an illusion and all that we see around is but mind's creation.
In this trip, I was taught one more thing. I was told that Mind is enemy and is criminal. Therefore either mind should be killed or kept occupied.
I think it will be a bit of a struggle to survive here and also stay focussed on the good that I wish to do. Most of the people who are doing well in terms of their career have been way pessimistic about my project with a list of issues that may pop up from locals' or market side. I somehow don't take it on my heart. I just know I'm supposed to do all that has come to my soul.
Another song I am listening to these days is 'Society' by Eddie Vedder. It is from one of good movies 'into the wild'.
I even went to check with a cafe, if I could have managed their place. They have recently got someone for it. So ya, I would have to figure out something soon.
1:33
This is core Manali and Moment. Last blog I wrote in old Manali was at 3 AM, October, 17.
This is where it was supposed to be.
I seek home moreover these days! That feeling of acceptance, love, wanting from other side. That familiarity, those love rights.
I will go to Delhi in October. That will be ideal time.
I did a tiny sketch today! Just doodle. Still gotta finish it.
I met a guy today who looked exactly like Mayank. Ditto! Only his voice was different. And ofcourse the name. But his face, eyes, expressions... Off.. same to same!
I have an element of fear inside in the moment. Don't know of what and why!
Opposite to me is Vashishth. The lights of numerous houses on that hillside together seem like a lady with two arms, torso and body - all connected with dotted lights!
1:42
Delhi bells!
I got thrilled to have that panoramic a view in evening. Also, all birds who used to live beside my last room seemed to be dancing upon the tree right behind this guest house's rooftop!
Aah!!! I need better energies around. Been so long I have met many white people. It's mostly black. Mostly dark!
And gradually am understanding it. Yet to be black is kind of unnatural to me. So I don't, until really required.
So many mosquitos in Manali these days. Maybe because of rain, maybe because of garbage. Also spiders and tiny reptiles.
I couldn't bump into Blue even today. He spends maximum of two nights outside. Had I still been in the previous room, I would have been sure of meeting him the next morning. Now, He would be disappointed I know to not find me there.
One thing I feel is that maybe, he is uphill staying very near to me, like right in the bushes behind or upon the cemented rooftop of the next block of the hill. Most probably we'll find each other by tomorrow. Well, hopefully!
Alright my love! Will meet tomorrow!
Mystical Wanderer signing out!
***
1 AM,
Aug 4, 2019.
Old Manali
Dear one .. I have cried immensely today. Don't know why and for what. I just cried. Had so heavy a heart that it all had to be melted away.
An in my room on a Saturday November night. I visited many cafes this evening. Couldn't vibe anywhere. Did dance though. Yet the heart somehow was throughout heavy. So I came back early, had a bath. And here I am, still in the same room, but with a clean bed - done with some unknown pain repressed inside.
I wrote a poem in Hindi after so many days today!
Here's the picture.
This trip has been so so different from rest of my trips. It is harsh, full of pain, yet some kind of relief comes every now and then and somehow am still living with my spirit still alive inside.
Oh, by the way, I went for two hikes today. One early morning while hoping to find Blue.. another in afternoon with Maahi, Manya and their cousins. They are so inspiring. Imagine I have been talking about cleanliness and stuff for so many days. Manya and Maahi hand picked plastic wrappers and bottles from the mountain today. I felt so so proud of them. Also realised where I lack - implementation and getting my hands dirty.
1:11
Anhan! Triple you my love. The triangle. 3. My magical number.
It's weird how I can't help but smile everytime I step outside and meet familiar people. Despite of tears right on brink, or the heart wishing to cry out loud... Yet the lips smile... For I don't believe in spreading pain. I love to share happiness. I instead dance and transform my pain into art.
My previous room was number 6. Even this room number is 204 which adds up to 6. I don't know what this number wants to teach me. But it is so imprisoning yet so attached at the same time. Also the fact that 3 is connected to Manali and 2 is connected to Delhi. While 3 has deep love memories, 2 has guilt, worry, contemplation, desire, wishing, pain in it. And 6 is but a product of both. I can also see it as a sum of 3 and 3 or triple 2s or six 1s. But that would be but too much of a perspective.
I haven't eaten anything after a single chapati in morning. Circumstances and my reactions! Why am I so stubborn and moody? Why am I so fussy in terms of my connections. My close ones are afraid of my anger or getting flipped. Probably my expectation level changes when it comes to people and places that I consider to be mine (in bonding not authority).
Also that I claim very few things and people as mine. I had had that phase as well where the world seemed mine and everywhere felt home. There is this phase as well, where for too long I have seen and faced abandonment. Maybe that's why I got Blue - who too is not so much loved or understood by all. Instead he has but very limited connections - where he is not only accepted but also loved.
I have a bit of headache right now. So wish to sleep, eat, not do anything, go outside and hang out for a bit - all at the same time.
1:33
I don't know why I like the number three. Also such bonds. Also two is good but three is fun. Three gets magical and adventurous.
I have become so so rude in my conduct. So blunt and so rude. Maybe it is required but I got to be polite. This is too upfront and hurting. Only the strong or sensible one can bear my conduct. Anyone else would be crushed just by the words and gestures.
I don't have much to say to you today though. Kind of numbed. Over emotional. Kind of full also hollowed.
O ya, I read somewhere, 1 also represents new beginnings. So ya, if you are that energy in my life, I welcome you. Let me give my best for the right cause.
Love is the key.
Also, the pressure that we exert as we use that key.
That pressure probably is darkness.
Maybe this phase is making me stronger. To be able to carve out the lines darker and clearer.
I so miss Blue. Walked everywhere I could have walked, yet couldn't find him.
'Blue, Blue, Blue... I love you. I miss you. Sorry for being rude to even you whenever I was. Though I feel you understand each and everything... Yet how much mind you actually have - I have no idea. Even humans don't understand their mistakes. They keep on repeating them. And you are but a dog.'
Sometimes I feel that dogs are but spirits - just like humans - only in different bodies. What if being animal actually feels like that - where even if you understand everything, yet you can't express in the same medium. What level of illusion know.
I never get their fight for territory though. Also, I love to intuitively communicate with them.
I think I should take a rain check now. O, Victor is coming on 6th. He is the first person who shifted my focus towards garbage. He is the one who helped me proceed in art and music. I had got heavily influenced by all that he had said to me. He had called himself a spiritual terrorist back then. Now I know why!
Alright my love! Will catch up tomorrow. Mmuah!
***
1 AM
Old Manali
Aug 5,2019
Dear One at 1:01 ... It was a splendid day for me... And that's why am happy! Right now outside my new room in the same guest house. It is still not the one I wanted, but peaceful somehow. I had lot of music both last night after our meet, this entire evening, even till 15 minutes ago.
Music always soothes my soul.
Also, that few other things got sorted - say my stay and meals. Plus, I am just happy today - I don't know why and for what!
The entire day I kept on trying to do something in my project, but couldn't. And oh, I took Manya and Maahi with their cousins and their father for a hike today! I don't know why it affects me - taking the kids' parents alongside. I get affected by their over fear and lose my own nerves or get angry with their constant 'be carefuls'. Who would intentionally fall anyway.
The skyline is grey and silver in it's shades. Possibility of a moon or who knows some distant light upon the other mount or probably some dream world beyond the clouds.
Breeze is calming and soothing for my skin. I am in a grey A line mini dress with a black crop knitted above on either sides!
Just like the night with it's skyline.
Darkness on one hand though is scary for then you are with your inner fears, but is also powerful and strengthening.
1:11
This time was specially mentioned today by a special person. This is our moment of unison. The triangle. The three ones.
After the first phase of this trip, I had met with two musicians. Somehow we got to jam enough to be connected. Yet, initially, we just didn't know how to walk together. For we all had our own flow. We all were kind of solo souls. Yet we all seeked acceptance, company, love. And we all were music lovers. And that was the connection. The triangle and it's numerous reactions.
I made a macrame bracelet today with a stone in it. It was my first attempt this way and it felt great. Though it's quite small, yet it's super cool. I think, I will gift it to Maahi. Tonight, I will wear it. Tomorrow I will gift it. Or maybe day after. Whenever I will find the perfect moment.
I couldn't go for dinner and now it's Monday - where I fast. Anyway, had had enough in lunch I guess. This way I stay fit as well!
I got to click the first garbage picture today. Yet to upload the platform with it's content. Also, it's the first time, Blue and I - haven't met for three consecutive nights. I miss him now. Seriously. My eyes keep looking for him everywhere that I go.
I wanted him to be independent yes! But I also miss him. Maybe momsha feels the same for me.
Also, that I get scared to sleep alone in my room these days!
1:20 My new room number is 203 . The product is still 6, atleast the sum is 5. And 2 and 3 together - give me both roots with flight!
1:22
'je Hun tu vi Badal gya
Te Mai mar hi jawangi'
I miss Moon these days. Oh! And by the way, I experienced a unique connect with someone today. Hallucinatory. Just in eyes. To the level of telepathic connection. Earlier to this, it was only with dogs or dog lovers. Maybe, he too is a dog lover.
I gave this room a bit of a decor today. Say showcased pebbles and feathers. Also, now my clothes are inside an almira - so it feels more home! Most importantly, the caretakers are no more being rude or prudish. Instead, they are friendly.
1:30
Magical time again. Don't know why I get scared as well when am on my own. OK... So there is a tiny puppy right in the lobby cum shaft of my guest house!
1:33 He just left. All this while I was getting tripped hoping for Blue to be here!
I can also see my previous room from here. And suddenly I imagined a dark trip. Why does my mind keep building things like that these days?
This puppy is getting flip! Why so many rounds? Also that there is none in this guest house tonight!
Ok! Andre returned. Am glad that he is here now!
1:39
Alright! Few things taken care of. These are my moments. Do I get scared of my own self these days?
1:42 Maybe next time onwards I will play some music as well with earphones. That gives me a flow. Though I can hear river music from two directions.
I like going to Folklore. Each time it has been cosy warm vibe with welcoming respectful gestures.
1:45 Alright love! Will get going now. Yoohoo... Bye bye!!!
***
1 AM, Old Manali
August 6.
Alright. So this is the number I have been dealing with in the phase that just passed. I was fasting from last night (actually post lunch from yesterday), and just had half a brownie to give it a completion. Even went to the river to take a bath. Danced insanely in so many cafes. A college friend is here. Kind of hosted him with his friends here. Overall sorted day, except for the work that I should really be focusing on. I don't know why I just can't upload the platform. Something or other happens, each time I decide to work. Or I am just not in the right zeal or mood.
This song is going on in my head - 'does that make me crazy....'.
Let me play it.
The voice is husky, lyrics relatable.
Om namah shivay
Om namah shivay
Om namah shivaya
I am getting to meet another side of Shiva these days! Darkness! Peace! Fear! Interconnection. Nothingness. Interdependency. None. None at all. Dark.
I just wanna express my passion. It's building on - seeking right sail... Like necter sprinkling from brim, unable to find right receptor.
I wanna change how people meet each other. It's barter system that I wish to bring back - not in just matter but also spirit.
1:11
Anhan! Magic moment. Though the one who specified it last night is far far off. Even the one who mentioned it today is right now not here. Yet the moment is special. My own triangle. Like that Goddess Diana who is Luna (Moon Goddess), Nature goddess with deers and caretaker of childbirth - all at the same time.
1:14
I wanted some really good photo shoot today! It wasn't as great as I wanted. Whenever I really really wished it, many people suddenly came by and I couldn't go free, even if I was quite away from main area.
Who knows what night has in store. Who knows what all is gonna hold. I still haven't met with Blue.
I am a bit hungry but not in a mood for brownie. I bought it convincing myself with self care notions. But I wanted some loved one to come and bring me something as a surprise. Why am I becoming so so demanding in terms of my connections. Why do I expect such tiny gestures of care when I hardly keep a check on others life. Maybe it's been a long time that I have been loved without expectations. Also, I miss healthy connections.
1:20
I have a little bit of pain in my legs and lower spine. Btw, the bath in river was short yet so refreshing. Though, it wasp different from my adventures along with Blue. I miss him so much!
1:22
I am craving to do an acrylic painting somewhere. Wish to hold the paint in my palms and use it leisurely with my imagination and flow.
1:25
Bit sleepy tonight! Hoping for some miracle. Don't know what! Don't know why!
Probably, tonight I should stay awake and upload those writings online. Some beginning. Also Victor gonna be here on 6th. That's this morning. Oh! Again a connection of him and my previous room number.
1:37
Their sum again add up to 11.
I should also focus on guitar. Atleast in my previous room I was often inspired to play guitar in portico. Here that is missing. There is no cafe opposite to me with a sweet guy playing at beginner level urging me to practice further on - be better and also leave an inspiring mark.
Here there are lot of clouds, mounts, birds... Maybe they are better inspirations. I gotta relax and tune myself in.
1:40
I so so wish for a leather diary with handmade sheets - but a gifted one. So that I can write out my emotions again in beautiful poems. Why am being fussy about it being of a certain type is because I really wanna write positive this one.
1:41
Bit of pain in my tummy. Maybe it's because I had something solid after more than a day. But I wasn't still hungry. Had it don't know why. Maybe I should keep it like this itself. Not eat much. Make my body and self control stronger. I always wonder why do we have this need of hunger. Why aren't we some imperishable being without such needs, all filled with creativity, all well aware of the purpose - to do it better. Why are so many things hidden and life is but a dark mysterious game?
1:44
Alright my love. See you kal!
Mmmuuuah!
1 : 02, Old Manali
August 7,19
Dear one! I found my Blue. Just now got late by two minutes for I was trying to save him from the dogs who live in this guest house. They were core enemies earlier. Today atleast they didn't fight. I was so anxious about him being accepted over here by all. Hopefully, he will charm everyone with his vibes. If only he won't be notorious. Aah! He is going everywhere. I don't know how to keep a check on him while typing. But ofcourse.... He is growing up. He will explore his territory first. I just got to know a dog's way till my floor. That's where they were all fighting. Probably,I should simply let him go out. Alright! I am flipping between coming outside and going back in. Also,y skin itches... Probably because I gave Blue a full on bath and he was really really dirty. My entire room smells now.
But am so so happy that Blue came back. Am happy that he is back in my life. He wanted to hop on my bed for I had let him do that onmy last stay in previous room.
1:11
Lucky time. Hope I get to meet 'Pole' today. There is some connection there. I don't know why. Gotta figure that out. Even if he keeps claiming to be Devil... Who knows what's the scene like. What am I supposed to learn. Why am I in his life. Why are our paths crossing. Why is this pull, this desire. I don't know what's right! I just follow my soul's voice.
Blue is back! Blue is back! Am just glad to have him back! As if something significantly essential was missing from my life. Even if I was free to go hang out anywhere I liked... Yet what's the point of hanging out anywhere where dogs are not welcomed or liked!
He has got a fresh bath. Am waiting for him to utter out his melodious voice... He almost tweets like a bird. Rarely that he barks. And I love it when he wakes me up in morning... Either with his tweet or gently putting his nose inside my blanket and licking my feet on lower side. I always wake up smiling with this. He means so much to me over here.
There are some people waiting for me upon rooftop cafe ... Maybe I can join them... But maybe it is better this way. You and I and Blue chilling in the same portico.
There is a dark empty sky with few distant dim lights. I don't know why Blue is not sitting beside me. I just can't have enough of him.
I so so love having him beside me.
I finally created a Google account for that garbage thing. Also the others platforms are under process. Content was already ready - description part. Still gotta click and work upon things.
Atleast the basic will be sorted. Then it is fuelling part. Main effort is usually taken in lighting up the fire.
Alright... Blue is giving me a real tough time. He is trying to bite upon my things, climb on my bed and run everywhere but be here. He just needs my attention right now. For he is back after a long time. I know it is my mistake for I shifted without letting him know. But he himself didn't come that evening. Why is he so stubborn?
He is same like me.
Alright! Am sitting on my bed now. So that he can't create any trouble. The door too is open. Also I can hear my friends playing mouth organ upstairs.
Aah! This room stinks of Blue! Why does he smell even after a bath? I don't even have coconut oil today to relieve him of his irritated skin. Wish he gets better.
Ok! He is outside. Probably, I can also sit outside. Or even go up. He has chosen the same spot in balcony where I usually love to sit.
Ok! A guy is singing really bad upstairs. Hahaha! He's funny, damn funny with his singing.
I don't like him much for he lies a lot. And I can't handle lies. Just can't.
1:33
Anhan! Magic on the way. Wish Pole comes. Wish something magical happens. Every night I hope for a miracle. Don't know what is it.
Oh! I took those visiting friends on top of this hill nearby the temple. Maybe that's why I could meet Blue for we both have a connection to that place. Or maybe he might had gone somewhere. I don't know. He is so cute. Right now sitting cutely outside my door for I have latched it.
1:36
Maybe Victor is also back in town. Probably will go and meet him soon.
I am also craving to do some acrylic wall paintings now. Hopefully will change the vibe of this place. Hopefully will make it my home and not just stay.
1:39
Probably I should go upstairs atleast for a chillum. Am feeling like it. But then I won't be able to continue our meet. And the song again comes back to my head,
'Just a little patience, little patience'...
1:40
Alright! Voice really echoes over here. A guy was just now running on the staircase and I could hear loud thumps of it.
I guess, I was almost doing a commentary tonight. Let's meet tomorrow my love. With or without chillum... Focus is essential. Am happy tonight. Also focussed. Love you a lot, a lot. Mmmuuuah!
1:42
Om Namah Shivaay
***
1:01 AM.. Old Manali
August 8,19
Yo love. You are double me today. I and you. Double I.
I have just now reached at my guest house. O I met Victor after a long time tonight. Must have been three months. He was so so inspiring and warm. I loved my meet with him. We had wine with porridge in a beautiful house with an insightful conversation. Almost felt like a date, except that he is 75 and more like a teacher. He called himself my guru today. I don't idolize people so much though, yet I will agree that he influenced me quite significantly in previous months.
Blue is with me tonight. Also, probably he had pedigree for the first time.
Wow! I just saw the blue star after a looooooooong time this night. This one is so so special to me. Wow! Also, I hanged out at Folklore twice tonight and enjoyed. There is a guy there who is so so so similar to Mayank. Except for his voice and front face. His side face is ditto like him.
The blue star, Blue my dog, blues - the genre with which I entered music in this trip.
'Here I am
This is me.
There is no place on earth
I would rather be'
I am sitting in my portico on floor - checking out entire old Manali. Sitting between Kaalu and Blue. Kaalu is another dog over here. He is the owner's dog so obviously has the maximum rights. Also, is that possessive that's why.
Everytime I meet with Victor, I get a new direction. I am again motivated to do art. Rather than hoping for company or getting flip amidst people and connections or desiring one thing or the other. I don't know how Victor leaves that intense a mark on my.
I don't know how I let my life change it's entire direction after each of our meets. The first time I had met him, he had called himself a spiritual terrorist. I agreed with him much later.
Today I will change it to influencer.
Oh! I miss Mayank all the more after meeting this guy at Folklore. He is so so so similar to Mayank. Only when he opens his mouth that I see him to be a different person. I don't know where is he. Neither should I know. For he is harmful for my self respect or self worth.despite of all my love for him,I gotta prioritize my own self over him.
I can see my old room from here. I am hoping to get the corner most room over here which offers a spectacular view. Though it was amazing to visit Victor this evening for it was totally out of my everyday zones. So so away from judgements and fuss... So much like a womb full of knowledge. So challenging, so comfortable. So much open to looking with different angles at the same thing.
I don't know why am I still seeking pole, for he has always worn layers of his own experiences and pretentions while meeting with me. And not like I have fallen for him or something. Just there is some bond, some kind of connection that I yet got to discover.
Victor directed me towards exploring myself and my arts again and I am thankful to him for this.
Am back in my room. All on my own. But scared of the gigantic spider I had found out in my room last night. Though Baloo had killed it, yet I don't know what makes me scared of sleeping alone these days. Even Blue is kind of not enough, for I still call out my friends to stay with me.
And in morning that I insult them with 'I think, you should leave.'... How selfish have I become.
The dogs are howling in a freaky way tonight. I don't know what scares me these days often times.
I have eaten way too much today. Lot of food already at my guest houses, then here and there. Have nothing to smoke up tonight though.
Oh! The lease owner of this guest house again got flip today. I don't get his rude side. I don't know the root of that pain that makes me go for that intense a misbehaviour.
Everybody is boosting me to earn now. Except for Victor. Yet hd mentioned couple of times tonight about the importance of being independent.
1:29
Waiting for the magic number
three.
1:30
Here it is.
Let me play some music though - now that am in my room.
Am a bit sleepy tonight. Also with lot of good energy inside. Don't know where to direct it. Gotta write blogs..gotta click and upload. Yet I don"t know how days just pass by and I am equally happy and sad towards the end... Yet I still seek peace.
Still life on mountains is comparatively better than life in cities.
1:32
My eyes are half closed. It's taking an effort to keep other up and functional.
Shit sleepy!
Yet waiting for I don't know what. Some miracle. Something!
I had had full on desserts and meal this one night. Quite full.
1:36
Magic number again.
I wish Pole. was here. Yet Blue is here.andI gotta be thankful.
***
1 AM, old Manali.
August 9, 19.
Yo dear One. I have shifted to a new guest house today. They were way too rude and insulting - the previous ones. And, anywhere where my dog is not welcome, doesn't deserve me or my vibes.
Am back in the guest house where I had stayed for the first month in this trip. Lily's guest house. I had felt like a princess back then. I had left it because I was bit bored, bit broke and full stupid to get into crazy darkness. It was all destined probably. It was all meant to be. But here I am. Back to the place from where it had all begun. I am still opposite to Giriraj - the hub of dark vibes. Even Anshika was shit dark because of its people. Though the vibes were way tempting and the view - just spectacular. Lily inn too offers a good view. Not as good as Anshika. Atleast the people are good and I am both mentally and spiritually safe here. I hope so.
Though am getting stronger with time. Also more spontaneous.. imagine living in same room for three months and then shifting two rooms and two guest house - within a week.
Oh, btw, Pole came to visit me this afternoon. He visited the guest house but I just know, he had come for me. But he had not come when I had invited me, so I didn't go to the rooftop cafe as well.
Blue again went just at that time when I had decided to shift. He is such a sensible soul. He got to know that people were fighting with him using him as an excuse and he left all upset. He doesn't even know where I stay again, but this time it is not my mistake. Hope we find each other again. I miss him already.
1:09
Also the date is 9th.
Just this morning that I thought and also saw that crow whom I used to observe initially. And here I am back in this guest house again.
Oh! The platforms for garbage disposal are ready. I need to begin with clicking photographs and upload them. It has to be subtle and strong.
Also, that blog for street dogs needs a lot of content creation.
Oh! I feel so better here. Like up and functional. As if I had lost myself in some dark cloud as I had shifted. And now I have evolved as a stronger spirit, ready to work.
1:13
My new room's number is 302.
Probably I could have take 303.
That's the number I wanted in previous guest house. Here, Last time I had stayed in 301. Somehow, 6 is not leaving me. Somehow 6 number is just there with me. But I also have number 5.
1:15
Sign!
Today am also listening to the music with my earphones plugged in. Also that am checking for Blue again and again.
1:17
I gotta focus on healing. Both of self and of others. And I gotta accept my weak side, work on it and make it strong. Also I need to work upon my foundation at it be finance, society, morality, spirituality, explanation of life.
1:19
Don't know why I am still waiting for Pole. Oh! I met with Dokc and sanj today! They are both good people and good friends. I feel good to meet them because of their good energy.
Also, that I went to the river again today for a bath.
1:20
Anhan! Number three. Manali connection.
1:21
I have a silver sky above me.
I have a silver lining inside me.
And I miss Blue.
Oh! I went to New Manali this evening. Relished over some street food.
Maybe I can teach kids art and music - right on Lily's rooftop!
Also that I can teach Anmol over here. Anmol is a kid very special to me. For he is one of the first few friends I made in this trip. He lives in the local house beside. He is four years old and is super cute and active.
Ok! There is a couple passionately making love to each other in a distant guest house. I kind of like it - when I see people making love and not being mean to each other. Expression can be of any type and intensity.
This atmosphere is strangely familiar and new - I mean of the guest house.
1:28
Time for music change. Oraybe this is fine. 'Adhana - Street parrade'. It is psy trance.
Ok! Why are these people turning off all the lights that too so early? It's just 1:29. Let me turn on my room's light. That way atleast there will be some light filtered through the curtain.
1:30.
Let me do it.
1:31
All sorted. Am outside my own room now.
Isn't it too commentary kind. Let's talk about better things like peace, nature, sky, river, love, Moon!
Maybe Moon is now more of concept that real to me these days. But the memories and connection is real.
There are guys hovering around over here. I don't know them at all. Tomorrow will spend time with them to know them better. Wish Pole was here.
1:34
Ok!Now I definitely need to change the song.
Have played 'Society'.
I kind of connect a lot with the lyrics and music of this song.
There is one random guy walking in this portico for no reason at all.
1:36
Ok! I asked him directly if he was given a task to guard this portico. He got embarrassed, said sorry and left.
Probably I will go to meet those musician friends of mine after our meet. Or I don't know. Will simply flow with my flow.
I don't know where Blue must have taken shelter this night. I am concerned for him. I wish to have him back in my arms. Miss his soft furry presence. Miss his tweets. Just miss having him beside. Maybe I have become too attached to him. I really love him.
1:39
Have played 'Patience' now.
1:40
Oh! I had also gone to Milange today. There is Prem there who is such a humble and nice person. I feel respected and welcomed there. Hence I go sometimes. Also it has some dear memories.
1:42
'if I can't have you right now'.
Oh Blue!
Oh, now that things are sorted, I will focus more on my music and art. I also did a doodle this morning. It has Pole and a mystical beside - both connected with musical chords in air. I still need to complete it.
I gotta arrange some cash to return it back to Baloo - for he helped me when I needed it and I had given my words. I don't know how I will manage. He is not even asking for it. But this time, I know I have to just keep my words. It is essential - good foundation. Anyway am a person of words. I always keep my words. I wouldn't have bothered to return otherwise for he is a good friend and we have travelled so much together that money never comes between us. But He is inthe same boat like I am right now. And I don't want him to suffer because of me. Nor would I want him to have any wrong idea about me for he is a good person with a wannabe smartness. And is still a dear friend for his love for me is true and deep. I don't know how I will do it though. Likewise is the case with my projects. And I know they will all happen.
Give me strength. Give me right direction. Give me determination and dedication.
Also give me dark energy to handle darkness. Plus, give me so much of love and white to win souls with love and create the same home - Old Manali used to be much before.
1:50
Alright my love. I will take your leave now. Maybe it is our longest meet so far. I never know what I talk about with you everyday .. Time just whooshes away in few minutes. I don't even get to reach where I be able to express my feelings about the beautiful places we share in and around. One day. One day.
Good night. Lots of love on way!
XoXo
***
1 AM, Old Manali
Aug 10, 19
1:01
That's too much of ones..
Let me get into the groove.
Am bit pissed today - had quite a hectic day. Also had to go twice towards forest just to find Blue back. And that fucker Pole had the guts to kick Blue. I can't see anyone insulting him.
I hardly have good humans around. Baloo helps but he has his motive. He tries to keep me hooked on his help so that he gets to spend time with me. And I though consider him a friend and have a soft corner for his innocence but his stupidity annoys me. Also that he doesn't know when to stay and when to leave. His carelessness empowers me and irritates me at the same time. I do get comfortable to be myself with him yet I can't tolerate him all the time around me. For there is no sensible add on from his side. Atleast he is a good human being. He loves me and everything related to me - as it is. And yet, he annoys me after initial hour of happiness. That happiness is more of a joy one gets to meet someone own or familiar. It has no romantic inclination to it. And when he then utters out his love, I just get angry. And I get all the more frustrated to see the ugly side of people I actually admire.
Guess I should be happy for am in a lavish room in mountains with my dog beside and light. Yet all I have is a strange emptiness. The bad aftertaste of shitty food I got that too after hours at Lilly's. Why does money matter so much to the world. Or why do people have so much of ego that they can't see freedom in another soul? Maybe the same applies on me for I can't accept Baloo with his animal like eating gestures, his messy way of being, his other side which lacks any sense but is stupid, unaware and lucky enough to just keep on dancing or doing random things lacking any real sight. Just the thought makes me angry. And he follows me everywhere like a dog which again annoys me. One should have his own stand. I don't want a dumb guy taking all my orders like my slave. Yet he is the only one who helps me out in my needs. He is the only one who stands by me despite of time, situation or his own might. I value that love and intensity. But I can't sacrifice my sanity for it. I try to convince myself with things like 'everything is bhasm, everything is Shiva, everything is illusion'. Yet nothing makes me comfortable with his dirty habits and primitive thoughts. I think of Mahadev and think of Nandi there. Oftentimes I just can't help but respect and respond to his devotion. But I get angry with myself for letting myself be back with the same company where I can't give as much of love in return, for I don't feel that way and I can't act.
This gets frustrating. Imagine wishing to be with someone who doesn't give a shit about you but his self interest. And having a guy to bring the world to you and yet you not wanting that from that guy. Then I get pissed with him for getting into my soul city. Old Manali - which was my ultimate escape from all issues and people is now fully suffering with cities running it more than locals. And add on is Baloo with all solutions for my problems yet himself a problem for me.
I get angry with myself even for this. Why do I feel angry at him? Is it my own frustration of not being able to have sensible good souls in my life? For my life to be in such a mess. For living like this with no responsibility! With even having a dog to take care of while I have no fixed source for myself.
1:30
Oh! Maahi Manya and their cousin had visited today. They loved this room. Plus, we all danced for an hour in my room. Heard teenage collection. Surprisingly, they were mostly Bollywood.
1:31
I'm a bit sleepy
1:33
I'm a lot sleepy.
Oh! Last night after our meet, I had gone to meet my new musician friends - Ash and Sun! We jammed and chilled till morning.
1:35
Oh! I can pass out right away. So sleepy am I. Also both trekked and danced last day. Now my legs pain and my soul cries.
1:40
Probably I should sleep! No point writing just for the sake of writing. good night my love
1:4:1
Mmmuuuaaah
***
1 AM, Old Manali
August 11, 2019
Dear One! Wow!
This moment is so special.
1:01
And also relatable.
I have a beautiful vibe alongside.
She is a lovely girl from Italy. A beautiful beautiful girl. She dances amazingly. We just sync. We just so so sync. I know I shouldn't get too excited. I know it can be risky. But I also know that together we are 11. We danced crazily in Yolo together. I could also learn another side of dancing from her. That was intense. Insane. Her vibe.
And Blue is also back. The entire day we kept on meeting up and then seperating again.
Here we are. The magic number three. The fire girl, I and Blue.
We are so so connected. There is a blue night light turned on.
Blue stinks tonight.
Or maybe the smell is from outside.
Ok! Blue had left egg shells on the floor. I cleaned it.
She is right beside on my bed now. dancing ecstatically. I feel hot after dancing so much and walking all the way up till this room.
She is crazy energy. We danced for hours together tirelessly. She is dancing even now. And she is fuck flexible. I have fallen for her soul. Wow! I wish she stays here for longer. I wish we spend more time together. I can learn so much from her. And likewise can she.
Oh! I trekked crazily this entire evening. Had woken up so late and just kept on getting cosmic gifts. Found out two new spots and two new ways to reach different mounts. Felt so so proud. They are properly built paths with but three or four full power cottages which foreigners have taken on lease.
These days am syncing more with foreigners. Probably I have become disappointed with Indians now being so full of vices. Or probably this is traveller season and not tourist season and I am but social anyway and hardly have friends here so am syncing more with them. Or maybe not that I have reached at that frequency. I don't know.
Oh! I learned a new line today in Hebrew - 'Ani moniaiet' ... Aah am not sure about the second word. It meant 'I am happy in now'.
It has been one such day. Oh! I gifted myself with a pizza at night. Imagine I have no money. Don't even have any source. But I had not eaten properly for past two days and this evening I just ordered it with some strange right.
Silvia is playing nice music on speaker. She is doing some pranayama on floor.
I would have to give Blue a bath again tomorrow. He is so muddy. But he is sleeping snoringly and that's why am happy!
I had stepped outside to go to Milange to meet Prem. Instead I went to Moondance and the trip changed. It has been going so magical tonight.
And ya! An old man in Moondance just came and kissed me on cheek today. Just like that. And I didn't even feel weird about it. But I found it strange for we have seen each other so many times but he never even invited me inside. Today he specially stepped outside to meet me.
1:22
Wow! Time is so smooth today. Am totally floating in blue lit darkness. With all my love. With all my darkness.
1:23
The music is bit slow yet transcending. Like inside water. Like upon a cloud. Am totally in my block. Like a glass ball of magical sparkling water with three of us tripping together. Our own zone. I feel special.
Wow! She is stretching and all. She is so beautiful and has such charm. Kind of Mesmerizing.
I am on my bed with legs spread carelessly. I don't know why I don't get to such intensity.
I do get fearce and impassioned but in my own way. Like a tigeress. Like nature goddess.
Oh! Her name means the same - one who belongs to the forest or something.
The music is getting groovier.
I still feel hot. I surely need a bath. I don't know why am still on my bed as sweaty that I am.
I should have taken a quick bath but there was no time.
I don't know if I should go along with Silvia to my musician friends' house or spend more time with her here and get to know her.
How much charmed can I get by someone in a single day and how much strength do I have to cut off people by their single action as well.
1:30
She is right beside. Such a powerful vibe.
And we are discussing blue light. Blue is down on the other side. Wow! Lovely vibes. Thank you dear Odl Manali for such a powerful experience.
The entire trekking, then detoxing with dance, this bewitching lady, my Blue, the blue light, this lovely room, good music.
Wow! This is the kind of bonding I need with my friends. Where we can have our own space at the time share it with each other. In a balance.
Alright, it has been too much about Silvia. But she is so charming. Also that I met an interesting guy today. Indian yet so intelligent and with good vibes. All three of us had met at the same time this morning. And that guy too I had bumped into again in evening and she is still here with me alongside.
Magical day!
Oh! I had woken up with a strange swelling upon my lip this afternoon - like a bug bite. I was bit embarrassed to go outside as well looking like that. Then I had none to impress so I went and chilled anyway.
Moment we reconnected, the trip changed alltogether and became magical right from that moment. We danced and we danced and danced and here we are - resting yet together.
Why don't more people be like this - happy, comfortable and natural.
1:42
I think tomorrow will be an even better day. I just feel so. I still have not written anything in thag dogs' blog. Also I was dazzled to hear one local lady's views about dogs today - that they are full of germs and even a single hair strand of dog can make human sick and all. I so wish everyone to love dogs. I don't know why it seems so ecssential to me.
1:44
Alright my love! I would want to spend some time with her now.
Will catch you tomorrow. Don't know if I am gonna take a bath or go visit or just pass out or will dance still.
Right now, it's beautiful - just the way it is.
Picture perfect. Vibe perfect. Moment perfect.
Love you!
Maybe this is is one crucial moment in my life!
Would love to look back on it someday.
Bye bye.
Meet you when I meet you.
Mmmuuuaaah!!!
And a tight hug in a snaky way!
***
1 AM, August 12,19
Old Manali
Dear One! This is an emotional yet content moment. Had burger a while back and right now having Mazza with a joint. There is music and pale blue night light filled in my room with a comfortable bed and white sheet. I think am lucky to have so much. Don' know why was I crying feeling various kinds of lacks just an hour back. Probably I was simply hurt by society's conduct. Why are people so fucked up?
So Silvia had called me to Moon-dance. And the same group of foreigner girls who were so so friendly just last night were so so cut off tonight. Despite of inviting me they just got involved in various groups. Then, the main pain - I go to that cafe and dance so many times. I never asked for anything from them either in matter or financial form. Today, Blue was hungry and I had no money to pay. And while dancing I asked for two eggs for Blue for I wanted to contribute in vibe, at the same time I had Blue's anxiety in mind. As I was leaving they insisted on I paying 30 rupees. That was so hurting. I have been going there for so many years. Have been dancing there for so many years. And today I was made to feel so much like an outsider. Why don't they get it? Here or anywhere. The way I pay is different but much more than mere money. The time I spend there is far too precious. Maybe I should just focus on earning as well for not everybody has mind enough to understand spirit, time, energy, consciousness and shit. There are so many unevolved souls with unused hearts. They just live primitive lives with man made politics. Anyway, I don't wanna sound so negative. I paid them anyway and came back to my room quite early. For I don't see any more reason to dance in any cafes. I would rather dance in my room and still cleanse Manali's vibe. This will also defend me from unrequired vibes.
1:11
I made an acrylic painting finally this evening. It was in Baloo's rooftop cafe. I painted a table with attractive shades. It turned out to be a psychedelic bird picking something from the river.
I felt really happy to be able to create something that too in the form of a painting. Also, my musician friends - Ash and Sun came over for I had invited them. They came just to give me company and we jammed for a long time. I love their vibes. So genuine. So compassionate. So much towards evolving together.
1:15
Oh! This morning began with a long conversation with another Indian couple and full on stuff! I enjoyed my conversation with them for despite of their not so mature first appearance, they turned out to be quite good company and I enjoyed my time with them.
Oh! Silvia had instead passed out last night in last ten minutes of our meet. I took a bath after that and also passed out. I didn't get it though... She was over friendly just last night and today even if we hugged for a long time, yet she was so weird. She hardly danced with me. Rather kept her back to me. I don't know why she behaved so rudely. Could she have been jealous of me. Or was she being mean? Who knows! It was just strange. Not like I had got expectations from her right after our first meet. Yet I had hosted her well I guess and had given her so much of my time and emotions and had danced with all my heart and soul last night with her. Maybe that was her trip. Maybe that's how she is. All that is not for me to mind right! That's how world of life is.
1:22
1:23
I'm planning to conduct an art and music combined workshop. That seems like a good way to me to earn. It will teach people over here something. Also that it will pay my bills. Creative, evolving, social, economical. I have few places in mind as venues. Yet maybe just the rooftop area of my own guest house would be suffice.
My eyes hurt by staring into the screen for so long. Also, am a bit sleepy.
Maybe today again I will go to jam. I don't know... Don't wanna impose myself..They have their own life as well right.
Maybe I should just pass out here in this room. Let's see.
Blue is not back yet. I don't know why he always stays back at Sanju's shop. Never comes back. And later he gets angry with me for not going back to fetch him.
1:31
How busy have I become in this everyday life. Yet how empty do I feel. Also as full. But of different things.
1:33
Bit sleepy now. Also, so need to have some kind of ventilation in this room. Either the windows are fully closed or entirely open. There is no inbetween.
1:34
Ok! Let me open up the windows.
Oh! Am too lazy forthat.
Also sleepy. But am in bed. Why won't I be but sleepy!
I want to have lots of juice now. My body is dehydrated and am hardly consuming water these days. Oh, the sleepy can also be because of the rare hefty dinner I had.
1:40
I can blaze a J probably.
Ugghhh! Why am I so sleepy.
1:50
Alright my love! Good night!
Mmmuuuah! Tight hug!
***
August 8,19
Yo love. You are double me today. I and you. Double I.
I have just now reached at my guest house. O I met Victor after a long time tonight. Must have been three months. He was so so inspiring and warm. I loved my meet with him. We had wine with porridge in a beautiful house with an insightful conversation. Almost felt like a date, except that he is 75 and more like a teacher. He called himself my guru today. I don't idolize people so much though, yet I will agree that he influenced me quite significantly in previous months.
Blue is with me tonight. Also, probably he had pedigree for the first time.
Wow! I just saw the blue star after a looooooooong time this night. This one is so so special to me. Wow! Also, I hanged out at Folklore twice tonight and enjoyed. There is a guy there who is so so so similar to Mayank. Except for his voice and front face. His side face is ditto like him.
The blue star, Blue my dog, blues - the genre with which I entered music in this trip.
'Here I am
This is me.
There is no place on earth
I would rather be'
I am sitting in my portico on floor - checking out entire old Manali. Sitting between Kaalu and Blue. Kaalu is another dog over here. He is the owner's dog so obviously has the maximum rights. Also, is that possessive that's why.
Everytime I meet with Victor, I get a new direction. I am again motivated to do art. Rather than hoping for company or getting flip amidst people and connections or desiring one thing or the other. I don't know how Victor leaves that intense a mark on my.
I don't know how I let my life change it's entire direction after each of our meets. The first time I had met him, he had called himself a spiritual terrorist. I agreed with him much later.
Today I will change it to influencer.
Oh! I miss Mayank all the more after meeting this guy at Folklore. He is so so so similar to Mayank. Only when he opens his mouth that I see him to be a different person. I don't know where is he. Neither should I know. For he is harmful for my self respect or self worth.despite of all my love for him,I gotta prioritize my own self over him.
I can see my old room from here. I am hoping to get the corner most room over here which offers a spectacular view. Though it was amazing to visit Victor this evening for it was totally out of my everyday zones. So so away from judgements and fuss... So much like a womb full of knowledge. So challenging, so comfortable. So much open to looking with different angles at the same thing.
I don't know why am I still seeking pole, for he has always worn layers of his own experiences and pretentions while meeting with me. And not like I have fallen for him or something. Just there is some bond, some kind of connection that I yet got to discover.
Victor directed me towards exploring myself and my arts again and I am thankful to him for this.
Am back in my room. All on my own. But scared of the gigantic spider I had found out in my room last night. Though Baloo had killed it, yet I don't know what makes me scared of sleeping alone these days. Even Blue is kind of not enough, for I still call out my friends to stay with me.
And in morning that I insult them with 'I think, you should leave.'... How selfish have I become.
The dogs are howling in a freaky way tonight. I don't know what scares me these days often times.
I have eaten way too much today. Lot of food already at my guest houses, then here and there. Have nothing to smoke up tonight though.
Oh! The lease owner of this guest house again got flip today. I don't get his rude side. I don't know the root of that pain that makes me go for that intense a misbehaviour.
Everybody is boosting me to earn now. Except for Victor. Yet hd mentioned couple of times tonight about the importance of being independent.
1:29
Waiting for the magic number
three.
1:30
Here it is.
Let me play some music though - now that am in my room.
Am a bit sleepy tonight. Also with lot of good energy inside. Don't know where to direct it. Gotta write blogs..gotta click and upload. Yet I don"t know how days just pass by and I am equally happy and sad towards the end... Yet I still seek peace.
Still life on mountains is comparatively better than life in cities.
1:32
My eyes are half closed. It's taking an effort to keep other up and functional.
Shit sleepy!
Yet waiting for I don't know what. Some miracle. Something!
I had had full on desserts and meal this one night. Quite full.
1:36
Magic number again.
I wish Pole. was here. Yet Blue is here.andI gotta be thankful.
***
1 AM, old Manali.
August 9, 19.
Yo dear One. I have shifted to a new guest house today. They were way too rude and insulting - the previous ones. And, anywhere where my dog is not welcome, doesn't deserve me or my vibes.
Am back in the guest house where I had stayed for the first month in this trip. Lily's guest house. I had felt like a princess back then. I had left it because I was bit bored, bit broke and full stupid to get into crazy darkness. It was all destined probably. It was all meant to be. But here I am. Back to the place from where it had all begun. I am still opposite to Giriraj - the hub of dark vibes. Even Anshika was shit dark because of its people. Though the vibes were way tempting and the view - just spectacular. Lily inn too offers a good view. Not as good as Anshika. Atleast the people are good and I am both mentally and spiritually safe here. I hope so.
Though am getting stronger with time. Also more spontaneous.. imagine living in same room for three months and then shifting two rooms and two guest house - within a week.
Oh, btw, Pole came to visit me this afternoon. He visited the guest house but I just know, he had come for me. But he had not come when I had invited me, so I didn't go to the rooftop cafe as well.
Blue again went just at that time when I had decided to shift. He is such a sensible soul. He got to know that people were fighting with him using him as an excuse and he left all upset. He doesn't even know where I stay again, but this time it is not my mistake. Hope we find each other again. I miss him already.
1:09
Also the date is 9th.
Just this morning that I thought and also saw that crow whom I used to observe initially. And here I am back in this guest house again.
Oh! The platforms for garbage disposal are ready. I need to begin with clicking photographs and upload them. It has to be subtle and strong.
Also, that blog for street dogs needs a lot of content creation.
Oh! I feel so better here. Like up and functional. As if I had lost myself in some dark cloud as I had shifted. And now I have evolved as a stronger spirit, ready to work.
1:13
My new room's number is 302.
Probably I could have take 303.
That's the number I wanted in previous guest house. Here, Last time I had stayed in 301. Somehow, 6 is not leaving me. Somehow 6 number is just there with me. But I also have number 5.
1:15
Sign!
Today am also listening to the music with my earphones plugged in. Also that am checking for Blue again and again.
1:17
I gotta focus on healing. Both of self and of others. And I gotta accept my weak side, work on it and make it strong. Also I need to work upon my foundation at it be finance, society, morality, spirituality, explanation of life.
1:19
Don't know why I am still waiting for Pole. Oh! I met with Dokc and sanj today! They are both good people and good friends. I feel good to meet them because of their good energy.
Also, that I went to the river again today for a bath.
1:20
Anhan! Number three. Manali connection.
1:21
I have a silver sky above me.
I have a silver lining inside me.
And I miss Blue.
Oh! I went to New Manali this evening. Relished over some street food.
Maybe I can teach kids art and music - right on Lily's rooftop!
Also that I can teach Anmol over here. Anmol is a kid very special to me. For he is one of the first few friends I made in this trip. He lives in the local house beside. He is four years old and is super cute and active.
Ok! There is a couple passionately making love to each other in a distant guest house. I kind of like it - when I see people making love and not being mean to each other. Expression can be of any type and intensity.
This atmosphere is strangely familiar and new - I mean of the guest house.
1:28
Time for music change. Oraybe this is fine. 'Adhana - Street parrade'. It is psy trance.
Ok! Why are these people turning off all the lights that too so early? It's just 1:29. Let me turn on my room's light. That way atleast there will be some light filtered through the curtain.
1:30.
Let me do it.
1:31
All sorted. Am outside my own room now.
Isn't it too commentary kind. Let's talk about better things like peace, nature, sky, river, love, Moon!
Maybe Moon is now more of concept that real to me these days. But the memories and connection is real.
There are guys hovering around over here. I don't know them at all. Tomorrow will spend time with them to know them better. Wish Pole was here.
1:34
Ok!Now I definitely need to change the song.
Have played 'Society'.
I kind of connect a lot with the lyrics and music of this song.
There is one random guy walking in this portico for no reason at all.
1:36
Ok! I asked him directly if he was given a task to guard this portico. He got embarrassed, said sorry and left.
Probably I will go to meet those musician friends of mine after our meet. Or I don't know. Will simply flow with my flow.
I don't know where Blue must have taken shelter this night. I am concerned for him. I wish to have him back in my arms. Miss his soft furry presence. Miss his tweets. Just miss having him beside. Maybe I have become too attached to him. I really love him.
1:39
Have played 'Patience' now.
1:40
Oh! I had also gone to Milange today. There is Prem there who is such a humble and nice person. I feel respected and welcomed there. Hence I go sometimes. Also it has some dear memories.
1:42
'if I can't have you right now'.
Oh Blue!
Oh, now that things are sorted, I will focus more on my music and art. I also did a doodle this morning. It has Pole and a mystical beside - both connected with musical chords in air. I still need to complete it.
I gotta arrange some cash to return it back to Baloo - for he helped me when I needed it and I had given my words. I don't know how I will manage. He is not even asking for it. But this time, I know I have to just keep my words. It is essential - good foundation. Anyway am a person of words. I always keep my words. I wouldn't have bothered to return otherwise for he is a good friend and we have travelled so much together that money never comes between us. But He is inthe same boat like I am right now. And I don't want him to suffer because of me. Nor would I want him to have any wrong idea about me for he is a good person with a wannabe smartness. And is still a dear friend for his love for me is true and deep. I don't know how I will do it though. Likewise is the case with my projects. And I know they will all happen.
Give me strength. Give me right direction. Give me determination and dedication.
Also give me dark energy to handle darkness. Plus, give me so much of love and white to win souls with love and create the same home - Old Manali used to be much before.
1:50
Alright my love. I will take your leave now. Maybe it is our longest meet so far. I never know what I talk about with you everyday .. Time just whooshes away in few minutes. I don't even get to reach where I be able to express my feelings about the beautiful places we share in and around. One day. One day.
Good night. Lots of love on way!
XoXo
***
1 AM, Old Manali
Aug 10, 19
1:01
That's too much of ones..
Let me get into the groove.
Am bit pissed today - had quite a hectic day. Also had to go twice towards forest just to find Blue back. And that fucker Pole had the guts to kick Blue. I can't see anyone insulting him.
I hardly have good humans around. Baloo helps but he has his motive. He tries to keep me hooked on his help so that he gets to spend time with me. And I though consider him a friend and have a soft corner for his innocence but his stupidity annoys me. Also that he doesn't know when to stay and when to leave. His carelessness empowers me and irritates me at the same time. I do get comfortable to be myself with him yet I can't tolerate him all the time around me. For there is no sensible add on from his side. Atleast he is a good human being. He loves me and everything related to me - as it is. And yet, he annoys me after initial hour of happiness. That happiness is more of a joy one gets to meet someone own or familiar. It has no romantic inclination to it. And when he then utters out his love, I just get angry. And I get all the more frustrated to see the ugly side of people I actually admire.
Guess I should be happy for am in a lavish room in mountains with my dog beside and light. Yet all I have is a strange emptiness. The bad aftertaste of shitty food I got that too after hours at Lilly's. Why does money matter so much to the world. Or why do people have so much of ego that they can't see freedom in another soul? Maybe the same applies on me for I can't accept Baloo with his animal like eating gestures, his messy way of being, his other side which lacks any sense but is stupid, unaware and lucky enough to just keep on dancing or doing random things lacking any real sight. Just the thought makes me angry. And he follows me everywhere like a dog which again annoys me. One should have his own stand. I don't want a dumb guy taking all my orders like my slave. Yet he is the only one who helps me out in my needs. He is the only one who stands by me despite of time, situation or his own might. I value that love and intensity. But I can't sacrifice my sanity for it. I try to convince myself with things like 'everything is bhasm, everything is Shiva, everything is illusion'. Yet nothing makes me comfortable with his dirty habits and primitive thoughts. I think of Mahadev and think of Nandi there. Oftentimes I just can't help but respect and respond to his devotion. But I get angry with myself for letting myself be back with the same company where I can't give as much of love in return, for I don't feel that way and I can't act.
This gets frustrating. Imagine wishing to be with someone who doesn't give a shit about you but his self interest. And having a guy to bring the world to you and yet you not wanting that from that guy. Then I get pissed with him for getting into my soul city. Old Manali - which was my ultimate escape from all issues and people is now fully suffering with cities running it more than locals. And add on is Baloo with all solutions for my problems yet himself a problem for me.
I get angry with myself even for this. Why do I feel angry at him? Is it my own frustration of not being able to have sensible good souls in my life? For my life to be in such a mess. For living like this with no responsibility! With even having a dog to take care of while I have no fixed source for myself.
1:30
Oh! Maahi Manya and their cousin had visited today. They loved this room. Plus, we all danced for an hour in my room. Heard teenage collection. Surprisingly, they were mostly Bollywood.
1:31
I'm a bit sleepy
1:33
I'm a lot sleepy.
Oh! Last night after our meet, I had gone to meet my new musician friends - Ash and Sun! We jammed and chilled till morning.
1:35
Oh! I can pass out right away. So sleepy am I. Also both trekked and danced last day. Now my legs pain and my soul cries.
1:40
Probably I should sleep! No point writing just for the sake of writing. good night my love
1:4:1
Mmmuuuaaah
***
1 AM, Old Manali
August 11, 2019
Dear One! Wow!
This moment is so special.
1:01
And also relatable.
I have a beautiful vibe alongside.
She is a lovely girl from Italy. A beautiful beautiful girl. She dances amazingly. We just sync. We just so so sync. I know I shouldn't get too excited. I know it can be risky. But I also know that together we are 11. We danced crazily in Yolo together. I could also learn another side of dancing from her. That was intense. Insane. Her vibe.
And Blue is also back. The entire day we kept on meeting up and then seperating again.
Here we are. The magic number three. The fire girl, I and Blue.
We are so so connected. There is a blue night light turned on.
Blue stinks tonight.
Or maybe the smell is from outside.
Ok! Blue had left egg shells on the floor. I cleaned it.
She is right beside on my bed now. dancing ecstatically. I feel hot after dancing so much and walking all the way up till this room.
She is crazy energy. We danced for hours together tirelessly. She is dancing even now. And she is fuck flexible. I have fallen for her soul. Wow! I wish she stays here for longer. I wish we spend more time together. I can learn so much from her. And likewise can she.
Oh! I trekked crazily this entire evening. Had woken up so late and just kept on getting cosmic gifts. Found out two new spots and two new ways to reach different mounts. Felt so so proud. They are properly built paths with but three or four full power cottages which foreigners have taken on lease.
These days am syncing more with foreigners. Probably I have become disappointed with Indians now being so full of vices. Or probably this is traveller season and not tourist season and I am but social anyway and hardly have friends here so am syncing more with them. Or maybe not that I have reached at that frequency. I don't know.
Oh! I learned a new line today in Hebrew - 'Ani moniaiet' ... Aah am not sure about the second word. It meant 'I am happy in now'.
It has been one such day. Oh! I gifted myself with a pizza at night. Imagine I have no money. Don't even have any source. But I had not eaten properly for past two days and this evening I just ordered it with some strange right.
Silvia is playing nice music on speaker. She is doing some pranayama on floor.
I would have to give Blue a bath again tomorrow. He is so muddy. But he is sleeping snoringly and that's why am happy!
I had stepped outside to go to Milange to meet Prem. Instead I went to Moondance and the trip changed. It has been going so magical tonight.
And ya! An old man in Moondance just came and kissed me on cheek today. Just like that. And I didn't even feel weird about it. But I found it strange for we have seen each other so many times but he never even invited me inside. Today he specially stepped outside to meet me.
1:22
Wow! Time is so smooth today. Am totally floating in blue lit darkness. With all my love. With all my darkness.
1:23
The music is bit slow yet transcending. Like inside water. Like upon a cloud. Am totally in my block. Like a glass ball of magical sparkling water with three of us tripping together. Our own zone. I feel special.
Wow! She is stretching and all. She is so beautiful and has such charm. Kind of Mesmerizing.
I am on my bed with legs spread carelessly. I don't know why I don't get to such intensity.
I do get fearce and impassioned but in my own way. Like a tigeress. Like nature goddess.
Oh! Her name means the same - one who belongs to the forest or something.
The music is getting groovier.
I still feel hot. I surely need a bath. I don't know why am still on my bed as sweaty that I am.
I should have taken a quick bath but there was no time.
I don't know if I should go along with Silvia to my musician friends' house or spend more time with her here and get to know her.
How much charmed can I get by someone in a single day and how much strength do I have to cut off people by their single action as well.
1:30
She is right beside. Such a powerful vibe.
And we are discussing blue light. Blue is down on the other side. Wow! Lovely vibes. Thank you dear Odl Manali for such a powerful experience.
The entire trekking, then detoxing with dance, this bewitching lady, my Blue, the blue light, this lovely room, good music.
Wow! This is the kind of bonding I need with my friends. Where we can have our own space at the time share it with each other. In a balance.
Alright, it has been too much about Silvia. But she is so charming. Also that I met an interesting guy today. Indian yet so intelligent and with good vibes. All three of us had met at the same time this morning. And that guy too I had bumped into again in evening and she is still here with me alongside.
Magical day!
Oh! I had woken up with a strange swelling upon my lip this afternoon - like a bug bite. I was bit embarrassed to go outside as well looking like that. Then I had none to impress so I went and chilled anyway.
Moment we reconnected, the trip changed alltogether and became magical right from that moment. We danced and we danced and danced and here we are - resting yet together.
Why don't more people be like this - happy, comfortable and natural.
1:42
I think tomorrow will be an even better day. I just feel so. I still have not written anything in thag dogs' blog. Also I was dazzled to hear one local lady's views about dogs today - that they are full of germs and even a single hair strand of dog can make human sick and all. I so wish everyone to love dogs. I don't know why it seems so ecssential to me.
1:44
Alright my love! I would want to spend some time with her now.
Will catch you tomorrow. Don't know if I am gonna take a bath or go visit or just pass out or will dance still.
Right now, it's beautiful - just the way it is.
Picture perfect. Vibe perfect. Moment perfect.
Love you!
Maybe this is is one crucial moment in my life!
Would love to look back on it someday.
Bye bye.
Meet you when I meet you.
Mmmuuuaaah!!!
And a tight hug in a snaky way!
***
1 AM, August 12,19
Old Manali
Dear One! This is an emotional yet content moment. Had burger a while back and right now having Mazza with a joint. There is music and pale blue night light filled in my room with a comfortable bed and white sheet. I think am lucky to have so much. Don' know why was I crying feeling various kinds of lacks just an hour back. Probably I was simply hurt by society's conduct. Why are people so fucked up?
So Silvia had called me to Moon-dance. And the same group of foreigner girls who were so so friendly just last night were so so cut off tonight. Despite of inviting me they just got involved in various groups. Then, the main pain - I go to that cafe and dance so many times. I never asked for anything from them either in matter or financial form. Today, Blue was hungry and I had no money to pay. And while dancing I asked for two eggs for Blue for I wanted to contribute in vibe, at the same time I had Blue's anxiety in mind. As I was leaving they insisted on I paying 30 rupees. That was so hurting. I have been going there for so many years. Have been dancing there for so many years. And today I was made to feel so much like an outsider. Why don't they get it? Here or anywhere. The way I pay is different but much more than mere money. The time I spend there is far too precious. Maybe I should just focus on earning as well for not everybody has mind enough to understand spirit, time, energy, consciousness and shit. There are so many unevolved souls with unused hearts. They just live primitive lives with man made politics. Anyway, I don't wanna sound so negative. I paid them anyway and came back to my room quite early. For I don't see any more reason to dance in any cafes. I would rather dance in my room and still cleanse Manali's vibe. This will also defend me from unrequired vibes.
1:11
I made an acrylic painting finally this evening. It was in Baloo's rooftop cafe. I painted a table with attractive shades. It turned out to be a psychedelic bird picking something from the river.
I felt really happy to be able to create something that too in the form of a painting. Also, my musician friends - Ash and Sun came over for I had invited them. They came just to give me company and we jammed for a long time. I love their vibes. So genuine. So compassionate. So much towards evolving together.
1:15
Oh! This morning began with a long conversation with another Indian couple and full on stuff! I enjoyed my conversation with them for despite of their not so mature first appearance, they turned out to be quite good company and I enjoyed my time with them.
Oh! Silvia had instead passed out last night in last ten minutes of our meet. I took a bath after that and also passed out. I didn't get it though... She was over friendly just last night and today even if we hugged for a long time, yet she was so weird. She hardly danced with me. Rather kept her back to me. I don't know why she behaved so rudely. Could she have been jealous of me. Or was she being mean? Who knows! It was just strange. Not like I had got expectations from her right after our first meet. Yet I had hosted her well I guess and had given her so much of my time and emotions and had danced with all my heart and soul last night with her. Maybe that was her trip. Maybe that's how she is. All that is not for me to mind right! That's how world of life is.
1:22
1:23
I'm planning to conduct an art and music combined workshop. That seems like a good way to me to earn. It will teach people over here something. Also that it will pay my bills. Creative, evolving, social, economical. I have few places in mind as venues. Yet maybe just the rooftop area of my own guest house would be suffice.
My eyes hurt by staring into the screen for so long. Also, am a bit sleepy.
Maybe today again I will go to jam. I don't know... Don't wanna impose myself..They have their own life as well right.
Maybe I should just pass out here in this room. Let's see.
Blue is not back yet. I don't know why he always stays back at Sanju's shop. Never comes back. And later he gets angry with me for not going back to fetch him.
1:31
How busy have I become in this everyday life. Yet how empty do I feel. Also as full. But of different things.
1:33
Bit sleepy now. Also, so need to have some kind of ventilation in this room. Either the windows are fully closed or entirely open. There is no inbetween.
1:34
Ok! Let me open up the windows.
Oh! Am too lazy forthat.
Also sleepy. But am in bed. Why won't I be but sleepy!
I want to have lots of juice now. My body is dehydrated and am hardly consuming water these days. Oh, the sleepy can also be because of the rare hefty dinner I had.
1:40
I can blaze a J probably.
Ugghhh! Why am I so sleepy.
1:50
Alright my love! Good night!
Mmmuuuah! Tight hug!
***
1 AM,
Aug 13, 2019
Hey Love! This moment is special. Have a friend from Himachal in my room. He is a pure vibe. V.v.v innocent and I love his presence here. Right now he's reading my poems and we are both having our own trip while sharing it.
Oh! It was such an auspicious Monday that just passed. It was Saawan ka akhiri somvar :P along with Eid!
I fasted well for good 24 hours and just an hour back that it got well culminated with some delicious food. My favourite - tamatar alu ki sabzi... That too ghar Jaisi... Momsha ke hathon Jaisi.
I was really over reactive this entire evening. Where on one hand I got ready to go dance in some cafe and later ask donation as artist appreciation - so that I be able to feed blue and buy essentials rather than ordering everything here in this guest house - for I know they gonna charge me loads later.... Yet moment I had a conversation with momsha, I just got pissed with my decision for she looked down upon it and reminded me of my education and wanted me to stand upto her expectations and what not. I changed and went to a cafe only to return back further pissed with society.
And then he came - Prem.
We have been having some peaceful and comfortable time ever since. He's quite young. 22 something. Yet so mature somehow. In a spiritual way. Like his calm vibe. Good to be along.
And oh! This entire morning was just just magical. I did go to my musician friends' house last night after our last meet. We jammed the entire night. Later they came here. We had some beautiful, magical, cloud filled moments along with rain on rooftop. They even slept in my room along with Blue and it became a bit hot yet it was all full of love and care.
Also, Anmol, one of my first few friends here in this trip, a four year old cute and naughty kid - visited me this afternoon and played here for a long time. I had such good vibes throughout day around me.
And yes! I'm considering organising certified creative workshops. That will ensure my survival and will teach people skills to survive. It will promote art. It will be my field of work.
Dokc sent a killer article for my dog shelter blog! I gotta create the website soon now to do justice to all my words.
1:12 Manali monsoons are lovely and moody every year. It's all green and pretty. Fresh. Bit muddy.
Oh! I love Odl Manali .don't know why I just know I belong here. I wish it gets as warm as it used to be earlier.
Oh! Today so many street dogs just came to meet me and then all jumped over each other for my caress. It seemed strange for they always used to bark on Blue. Also I didn't know what were they coming for. I had no food with me and I was simply walking by not even calling or luring them.
1:15
Wow! Time is way slow tonight. And this guy is superbly patient. He is still reading my poems with that dedication. Rather I am feeling like talking to him instead of him disturbing me.
I gotta work on those garbage pictures soon. Maybe tomorrow first I'm gonna do that. And then day after I can go to Mandi to that old Shiva temple that Prem has mentioned. Throughout this month I wanted to go to one Shiva vibe's place. Even this morning supposedly had to be a trip to Bijli Mahadev which didn't come true. Now Mandi gotta come true.
'Hey Jude' in the background. This song has been so recurrent in this trip! Today each time it has inspired me
'don't you know, it's just you...
The moment you need is on your shoulder'...
Ash and Sun healed some wound today just with their presence. They are nice people and I respect them.
I wish I get a leather diary soon. I just want to begin writing my poems only there.
Also gotta get all my doodles photocopied! So that I get to make coloured versions of them as well. I wish I get to color them with neon Colors.
1:23
Sahi sahi! I got the series.
The temperature is strange these days. Humid. Probably I should exchange this blanket with a thinner sheet!
Someone told me that Moon is reaching here on 19th. This time my heart didn't skip a beat. Am neither excited nor upset. He is welcome ofcourse anytime. I won't be running behind him this time. It's all stable probably.
And Prem is playing music now. I enjoy listening to others' playlists. Not every time that I can think of good songs. And I have heard my own auto playlist so many times that I don't feel like playing it even outside.
This was one Monday where I neither went to take a bath in the river, nor to any temple, nor to any such place which I value or respect in a spiritual way. I was just in my room engaged with something or other. Still I had a good day with good vibes around.
Good music in room. Beats. Psy.
He is such a humble vibe. Such sweet way of talking. And pure energy. I wish to give him more time. Om Namah Shivaay!
1:31
Magical time!
My room is filled with blue night light. Also the portico has a white light lit which is entering in from half open curtains.
1:32
Such beautiful music. Mild. Peaceful. Like the vibes of the room. One day am gonna create music to emit peace and love. I am working towards building a society with love, empathy, cooperation, coexistence. I wish people to have humanity. There should be art all around. And nature. And love. Probably am living my own novel. Probably Blue is Jeevan for me. Ganesha energy. Gonzalo's memory.
Sometimes I see God in my dog. Sometimes he seems like a lover. Sometimes he becomes my kid. Sometimes a roomie. And Old Manali seems like my work-field - karm-Kshetra! Where I gotta heal my soul's home!
Such romantic music. Oh! I feel so good about tonight.
'rakh Lun chupa ke Mai kahin tukhko'
I don't know how things gonna sort out but I feel am on the right way and everything is being taken care of. That it is all destined - and is all happening the way it's supposed to be.
I think I need lot of water or juice. Yeah! Juice will be awesome. Sweet and light.
Music has such transcending impact upon human psyche. Can make one time travel. Can take one to a nostalgic trip or to a dream world.
Sometimes I feel like becoming a kid again with all those Arabian stories full of magic and fantasies. Or that time where I wanted my barbies to turn alive and be my best buddies. My portable besties. And that's why I loved Enid Blyton's stories which were full of elves and fairies. Miniature world had always fantasized me. Things unseen by rest of the world.
1:41
I am bit sleepy. V. V. Teeny veeny bit. Maybe I need a J. Will roll soon.
Alright my love! Will catch you later. Who know what's in store of the next night.
I don't know what am gonna do this birthday. Don't know how am going to celebrate. Hope it becomes special.
Love you! Mmmuuah!
With a bright moon in the cloudy sky! Bye bye!
***
1 AM, old Manali
August 14, 19
Hey One. It seems like a shared moment. Nonetheless, today I learned embracing all. All my attempts so far have been directed in this direction anyway - towards love, tolerance, being helpful in each other's evolution.
It was a peaceful day and so so full of warmth. Prem stayed back, even now he is beside. Baloo came at 4 this morning. Then at 12. We all chilled together the entire afternoon including Anmol the neighborhood bundle of joy!
And then Baloo left for Benaras. The entire trip, I kept on fighting with him for something or other. Even today that we fought. Yet I feel a bit sad for he left. Even if I can't handle/ have him all the time round. Yet, when he is there, I know someone is there concerned for me and given a situation I have someone standing by me. Well, am a solo traveler. Plus, I gotta focus on my work now.
Oh, I made two macrame bracelets for, one acrylic painting and a new sketch crayon painting today. It was such a warm and lovely day.
'Moon is coming on 19th' - I just can't take it out of my head and heart. Probably I shouldn't make it that much of a deal in both good or bad way. Probably I should be just unreactive about it. Just indifferent. Probably I should simply welcome people who wish to be a part of my life....and just say humble bus to those who don't wish to stay. Probably it is the best way - no attachments, no desires.
Yet, the kind of person that I am - am intense. I love and hate intensely. Feel everything strongly. It is just not possible for me to not be happy or sad about something by choice. These emotions are natural know... I don't know how sages and monks conquer all this. Yet anger is something that is one of the most difficult things to handle. Atleast for me.
Right now however is way peaceful. Good music, mild blue light, full on rain outside, winded open windows with curtains drawn, a peaceful vibe beside.
Right now it's just perfect - the energy, mood, music.
'Hello'...
I love Adele's voice. One day will write similar songs...or another level of original... Yet will always admire her.
1:12
Missed triple one.
Maybe today it's different vibe. Every moment is.
I so wished to go to Bijli Mahadev or that old temple in Mandi... As Shiva desires. Maybe I go to Hadimba temple tomorrow. Someone had suggested me insisting upon it. I wish to go there before 15th. Tomorrow is the day.
There was some 15th August where I had made some kind of escape from society pulling me in its clutches. There is this 15th where I have my own image of tools essential to bring any change.
1:16
Why do I feel sleepy only at this time. Then I stay awake thx entire night and just try to sleep or do something. Yet this one hour of our togetherness is either my daily schedule or seems sleepy.
Tomorrow I will get this room cleaned. I feel it needs it.
Oh! Blue has gone on his adventures again. I miss him. Didn't even clean his corner for wanted his bed to stay as it is till he comes back. By now though I am used to his outings and returns. I just miss him.
1:20
Suddenly it seems open and bright - my life. Suddenly lot of hope has entered in - I don't know from where.
What if you feel connected to someone yet lot of things enter in your head - say about intention or repurcussion. Sometimes I get confused between staying in my teen or growing up.
I look 23 anyway. :P
Oh! My birthday coming soon. Haven't planned anything. Haven't even wished for anything this time. Prior to that is Rakhi. I now wish to send him one Rakhi to Bangalore. But hd doesn't value it anyway. What's the point of such hassle when so many times he has insulted my efforts. One day he will understand and love me back. Till then, we don't really need these formalities. We have a shared childhood full of love and togetherness. We have a difficult grown up phase. Yet I know, love stays. Love gotta stay. One day we gonna be together again.
I don't wanna grow up. I don't wanna be individual at so many levels. Of maybe am just bit scared or clueless about doing so many things on my own. Yet, so many people here say that there is not we or you. It is all I - consciousness. Even Buddhism says it's all in the mind. Sometimes I look at life this way, say we are imagining it all and nothing is really happening. That it is just like dream. Like these clouds everyday passing by right across. So much of matter and visible, yet so light like a spirit. So much of hollowness inside.
I miss Ash and Sun today for I couldn't meet them today and they have been so so nice the other day.
I couldn't even do anything further in my projects. Yet gotta think of a name for my art schools. I don't know how my mind and heart are running in so many different directions at the same time. Wanna do so much so soon, yet have no idea about Hows.
1:30
Anhan! Caught ya!
I loved laughing along with Anmol so much today. Am glad I have shifted here again, which is close to his place and he can come, drop by anytime. Same applies on Maahi and Manya but they are also pulled by K's politics. I hope their dad is here so that adventures enter in once again in their life. And I have to anyhow figure out a certificate course for Ekta. I have promised her and she has hooked her hope and faith on me.
'Zombie' in the background.
1:33
Lucky! Magical!
For dog' shelter, I had asked few friends to choose amids few names. I still gotta decide upon one and upload it all online. Have three articles by now. Gotta finish the rest. I guess I talk about all this work more than I do... And I have been more of an implementation person throughout. I just don't get time. Days and nights whoosh by over here. I do so much in a day and yet fail to do the amount of work in the required fields.
1:36
Will enter into writing poems again soon as well. First gotta get sorted with the work I have given myself. Sometimes it all seems foolish. Yet there are times when I look at the green mounts, the pure river Manalsu gushing down, and it all seems like a motherboard or organ of some creature where it seems like my duty to just be here and be myself. Keep following my heart, flowing with flow, doing whatever am feeling like.
My favourite song -
'Shiv kailashon ke waasi'
I wish to take a bath in river soon. It just rains everyday.
1:39
'ant Beant teri maaya'
1:45
Alright love!
Good night!
I am in a mood to sleep tonight! The vibe is quite beautiful. Just relaxed. Content in the moment. Maybe living with heart is what am gonna do.
Love you!
Om Namah Shivay
1 AM, Old Manali
23rd August
Dearest One! Such a happy moment. All my loved ones are around me. Blue, Sky, Ash and Sun. In my room. Blissful. In gratitude. They came to ensure me my value in their life. Sweet.
1:01
Also, it has been a content day. I stayed in. Cleaned my room. Gave it some new decor. Did grocery shopping so that Blue and Sky don't stay hungry another night, neither do I. Also I cooked for them this night. Though Blue didn't have it as much. But I was satisfied that I made something for them. I also treated them with curd, biscuits, pedigree, milk... They are both sleeping all tucked in and I am really happy about it.
Oh! I went to Travelosic to give Baloo's cafe some shape. It's still the same vibe there - not so welcoming. I don't know why I always feel like that over there. Anyway I made a painting there. Sky kept sleeping. Also I jammed with some few different musicians this evening in German bakery which was quite a treat for my soul.
Right now though is heaven for I have them - Ash and Sun. I still feel I shouldn't let attachment enter in any of these four connections. Yet am overly attached. I miss them when they are not near. Today I had to control myself to not go to Ash and Sun's room for I had felt a bit unwelcome there last evening. That's why they are here - to give me time and explain the cause of their behaviour.
Maybe I presumed. Maybe I was correct. What so ever - they are here - and it feels special. Though I am above it now. But no am totally in it. I loved their effort. Still I feel more at home when I visit them. For they welcome I and my dogs as well. And when we all just laugh and do random creative things together - it feels home. In this room, I feel I fail to give them as much of a comfort. Also am always anxious that they gonna leave. When I am at their place, I know, I can stay for as long as I wish to and I leave only when they seem sleepy to me. That too because they are three. Had they been just the two of them, I would have even slept there itself everyday.
1:11
Probably everything happens for best. The last time I surrendered so much to my emotions, I had to undergo a lot of pain later.
And they too just told me that they gonna leave soon. I am going to miss them.
Right now we sinnging
'Nobody said it was easy' by Coldplay.
I dedicate them
'I am gonna love you
Like I am gonna lose you'
1:16
Why doesn't anybody feel like this for me. There have been many actually but I didn't feel the same for them.
When I feel so for someone, maybe they don't feel the same for me as well.
Was listening to some song in evening where the meaning was
That love has a habit of being one sided. Rare are the love stories which are felt equally passionately by both sides.
1:18
Right now is something new happening. Ash singing with guitar, Sun on percussion. Usually Ash plays, Sun sings. At home they both do a bit of both.
1:19
I was shit sick last night and this morning. Cold, cough, fever, fatigue. Then I made kaada for myself and even made Anmol had it in evening for he too had a badly running nose. I hope I get well soon.
Cutie pie Sky is rolling all over the carpet in his sleep.
1:21
He looks so so cute while sleeping.
I am happy to have Ash here. Just love his vibe.
And Sun is finally awake. I don't like it when he gets busy on Facebook or Instagram. I feel probably he is getting bored. But then ofcourse he has right upon his time. And I anyhow spend so much of time there.
1:23
Series.
Sky is back awake. He is running all over the room. Oh! I have finally created the flyer for the workshop. Ash helped immensely majorly by initiating it. He is quite creative. And the fact that he gave it his thoughts and time itself showed his concern and care. So ya! The flyers are ready from my side. I hope he creates the soft copy soon. Only then that I will be able to paste them all over and get participants for the workshop.
And I feel emotional and sick at the same time. Emotional to have them all here. Sick for the cold is getting worst.
I wish to get better soon.
Also, in evening there was this one phase where Blue Sky slept together so peacefully with love and I felt so so good.
Ok! Sky is out again. Now he is gonna disturb Blue's sleep or probably they both sleep together again like morning. Oh! Yeah! sky kept me awake the entire last night for he wanted to sleep outside with Blue and I didn't want to leave that young a puppy outside. For who knows who takes him away or a dog comes over and bites him. But he was just not ready to sleep inside , not even in my lap. And Blue didn't want him to sleep with him because of his ticks and hyper activity. I was sick and getting flip between them both the entire night. Morning as sun came I just left the door open and passed out dead. When I woke up in afternoon, they were both sleeping peacefully together outside and got up all hungry. I felt such love and adoration for them and felt guilty for keeping them hungry for so long.
1:33
Hence the day was entirely dedicated to them. Their food.
I felt proud of their patience - none left. Rather both waited for me to get up and feed them without them tied or given in ample at any time. These dogs are way better than humans. They stay hooked to their love and intensity despite of benefits or none. Though street souls remain on their basic I feel. Say if someone will offer them chicken and I will have but bread for them, then they ofcourse would go for chicken and won't listen to me for that moment. They are quite primitive that way. Aehsan was the same. Blue seems better than him to me sometimes for he has stayed hungry alongside me just for the sake of love rather than abandoning me for his own self. But then, Blue in many ways seems more like human to me. Most importantly because of his emotional quotient. The way he gets jealous and reacts. Oh yeah! Last night out of his jealousy he went on terrace and literally plucked out all the cotton out of a cushion.
Morning he did it again. Also he got a toilet cleaner brush for his own tooth brush. Also he upturned all the dustbins around. The manager of the guest house complained about it. Also my neighi - the fake musician and hardcore business guy beside fought with me because Sky had peed there. He is a month old. How dirty can his pee be? Why are people so intolerant?
1:42
'simple cheezein bhi kabhi kabhi achchi lagti hain', says Sun.
Sky is back trekking upon Blue's head.
Both are awake now.
1:43
I like it how Ash stays in his own trip of mild music. Even if he is the only one playing. Though I love it when they both sing full power with their souls at better pitches.
Yet, this feels core love - the mildest versions of pitches. It is so difficult for me. My voice only doesn't come out. :P
1:45
Quarter to two.
Ha ha! Just wanted to say it.
Oh! I have got a full power picture of Sky's paw in my hand. I will use it as a logo in my dog shelter blog.
Alright my love. So wanna jam with these two for now.
Love you a lot
Thanks for being so beautiful and full of love. Though today I wish to be have rum or something for I have cold. Or I wanna be high on something I don't know why.
Don't want them to go.
Off I go. Catch you tomorrow.
Love! Mmmmmmuuuuahhhh!
***
1 AM, Old Manali
August 24th, 19
Dear One, right now am in my room. It is a comfortable moment. Ash is also there with me. And we have been working on the flyer for that art workshop. It's weird how despite of doing something together or nothing, you just sync with certain vibes. I kind of connect with him.
Oh I gotta come out of this Web of illusion. Now I have lost the track of the thought bubble. Bit sleepy tonight. Haven't slept for two days. Oh, we all went for a full power hike this morning. Alllll of us. Ash,Sun, I, Blue, Sky, Kaajal (Blue's friend) and peach - her son. We all simply got nature's gift early morning just because we stepped outside together.
Oh! The morning was heavenly. Though later on my day got fucked for my neighbour here that stupid Nitin fought with me because Sky had dirtied his footmat. I told him I would clean but maybe he just wanted to fight. Also later that I was handed over Huge amount of bill.
Would you believe it? Al lI had was chapaatees and curd in past 15 days here with tea and I gotta pay 4 k just for them. I should have dived over Pizzas and burgers everyday I guess. How come anybody be such a burgaler.
Anyway, I know, I gotta be a - have forgotten what! Sleepy!!! Am waking up suddenly with laughter in between figments of power naps during this meet of ours. Ash must be considering me crazy.
I loved his dedication. More than that I am just happy that he is here. I stayed more sorted in my head and heart.
Oh! Morning had taken us to few of my favorites spots. We clicked few pics as well.
Oh! Sky is bit sick today. Or maybe his tummy is clearing off. I took him to so many places. Maybe he ate something wrong. Or maybe he ate something good to cleanse his system.
1:16
So yeah! This workshop better work. I don't know how and if but it would.
Also the dog blog and shelter.
Also the art centre.
And my nursery.
And cafe and guest house.
And garbage cleansing.
All are bound to happen.
They will. I gotta stay strong and have faith.
I will manifest it all with love, strength and inner call.
Haven't sketched or even written in a long time now. Maybe Moon is here in old Manali, maybe he is not. I shouldn't think of him. When did they enter into my life should and shouldn't? However!
Alright! I gotta earn soon or manage contacts to be able to retain land just to be free.
Now I know why humans created the concept of self imprisoning walls. To be free inside the walls.
How ironical.
1:23
Series again. Sweet. I feel cosy along with him. I don't know what connection it is but it's strong.
Alright!
"Shotu shaa break"
Abhi ayi.
1:31
Caught ya!
Magic 3 between two ones.
The happy Bermuda.
Oh! I found a strange creature in my room this morning. It looked and sounded like a frog but had transparent wings with wire like nerves running in them. It seemed more of a gadget. For past few days I have been observing crazy random insrfts, bugs and creatures around me. Can also be because of monsoon season, dark energy or just!
Ha ha ha! How do I get such funny snap-dreams?
Oh! Anmol had also dropped by. I had no patience with him today. I went to drop him back to his home without hid mom calling him for the first time.
Right now 'Susheela Raman' in background!
'Meera ke prabhu Girdhar'
1:40
I am really sleepy. In a state of dream. Also that reality is as beautiful as a dream. Good vibes. Love. Happines.
I wish to I don't know.
'Titli' in the background. I played it on my own.
Don't know why! That's the only song that I saw and felt like playing.
So many dreams. So much of darkness. So many Colors. So much of white.
Love you dear One.
1:44
I gotta be really crazy to be writing this blog. Yet have managed to do it even tonight is what still doesn't surprise me.
Do you know you are the only with whom I had been so fucking regular out of all of my similar genres. Not even a single night missed so far.
My birthday is nearby. I will make it special for myself.
Bye my love. I just wanna sleep now.
Love you.
Mmmmuuuaah
***
1:03
August ₹
25th,19
Dear love, it'z a magical moment.
I'm on cloud zenith.
Hppy.
In my friends' room.
Too taken by the moment
Too much into three moment.
Full of sensations and moments.
Hihj! Need. Break..
M back. With a monologue dedicated randomly.
Am high.
Also trippy. Have just returned from Milange. Blue and Ash are right alongside. It is getting a bit difficult to type. I can hardly see straight.
1:20...
Random crazy conversation. Trippy too - the vibe.
It is indeed a challenge to write today. So much energy I have and soo tempting is the challenge
Ash, Sun and babu are playing. Am more or less sloshed on their bed. Yet a lovely moment.
And am gradually getting more and more awake.
Also more and mtaacro amx
1 : 31
Woah! Caught you. Despite of the obstructions in between.
This his the moment is love n Ko
Having black tea with biscuits.
It's raining. Such a romantic song .
And oh! What vibes!
Dairy milk in my mouth.
Eyes hardly open.
Chilling.
In love with the moment.
Alright love. Good night.
It is 2:13
Maybe I passed out in between. But love you. Thanks for such a beautiful and fulfilling day.
Love you.
Good night.
Muaaah!
***
1 AM, Old Manali
August 26, 19
Dear One. Love you. Right now am just done with a lot of work. In my room. Blue Sky are alongside. Wait. Let me just do the finishing bit - say - play music, stir my coffee, light J and am sorted.
Alright. Have even sprayed an air freshener. Am sitting quite spread on bed. Entire day was pre occupied with self proclaimed work. Also since Sky is quite young he keeps pooping everywhere. Sometimes I wonder why did I take responsibility of two dogs when I never wanted a family. But I love them way too much. Plus they make me responsible. Else I skip my own meals as well. Atleast while feeding them, I take care of my own food as well. Also they help me maintain self respect. I no more go to places where am not welcome just for the sake of company. For I have my own company all the time. They stay with me no matter what. It does take away a little of my freedom. I the longer run I don't know. It seems difficult to imagine travelling with them all around for not everyone is that friendly with animals. Many are scared of dogs as well. So I don't know how I will manage.
But yeah! When I had lost Chill, I had decided to never leave a responsibility next time.
I miss home today. Don't know why! Miss Delhi. My bed. Momsha's hug. Miss trasing Chi. Miss Papa's rare smile. I miss my own people. Even their scolding. I feel alone.
I have always been a solo traveller. Yet I have always craved for good company. I miss having my own people here. That feeling of abandonment is just not leaving me. I don't know why am unable to go free about myself this time.
I haven't loved a single person wholely this whole trip. There have always been some kind of layers. I either judged or expected.
Oh! Prem left today for an interview. I don't know why I got a bit emotional. He had hosted me so well last night in Milange. Something in his smile and warm reception.
Ash and Sun gonna leave as well. Anyway it doesn't feel the same even there as well.
It is a tourist place where am leaving. Sooner or later people gonna leave. Why does it affect me? Even Dokc is going. He is leaving Old Manali all together.
I feel silly sometimes getting into all these things which doesn't pay me at all.
Cleansing it seems. Garbage here is not my mistake right. Why do I wanna waste my time there? And for how long? At what cost? I miss momsha!
And what if I get tired of this dog shelter? What if it become that bounding factor in my life that I never wanted. Didn't I wish to remain free to travel throughout my life!! Why do I wanna create so many attachments to give or get pain?
And art centre seems quite distant for I am unable to hold even a single workshop on my own. How will a centre shape up.
All these things with such locals who can't see outsiders thriving over here.
I don't know.
And what about resources?
I myself stay on hand to mouth. If I have chosen this life how will I be able to do so much?
It's Monday. Am fasting again. Till tomorrow 12.
I like it - 24 hours of no thoughts of food. For then it doesn't pain me to desire and not get. Then I am convinced that I just can't have it because of my fast.
Om Namah Shivaay!
Om Namah Shivay!
Om Namah Shivaay!
1:24
Having a teeny-veeny headache. Maybe I should talk about better things. Already so less of our meets left! My birthday approaching as well!
I wish to go to Parvati this time. Just an overnight thing. But something full power and with someone with whom I share deep love.
I don't wanna be alone these days. Maybe a phase. Just I seek real emotions and humans all the time now. Don't know why? Maybe because I had got used to Aehsan who was always with me like a leech with his fake devotion. Maybe I just need it for self satisfaction for Moon and Shasha hurt me so bad in Goa.
Maybe it is some rebel again! Where I just wanna form bonds without money, power or position in consideration. Maybe that's why I love dogs all the more for they too until accepted by a family and given a leash - are usually simply shooed away.
I have pain in my neck for past two days. I wish for fingers full of love and healing - to comfort me.
But sleepy.
Let me change this song.
1:31
BTW, caught ya!
Magic 3 between my split sides.
Can I also take a power nap?
No! I won't do like last night!
I have got a very bad cough.
I wish momsha was here. She would have made kaada and given me a cough syrup with brewing turmeric milk. I miss home tonight.
I feel like crying. Why have I got so weak emotionally?
Some romantic song in background.
'Rimjhim kare saawan'
Can't get Ash out of my head. Last time this song got played - he was here.
1:36
I don't like to impose myself on others.
There is a park nearby my home back in Delhi. I miss reading and smoking up there.
Also I miss momsha's food. Last night Prem had endured my favorite 'tamatar alu ki sabzi' that too ghar Jaisi. I loved his gesture.
Blue and Sky are sleeping nearbyvthe door. I haven't left the door open. Neither have I let them sleep outside tonight. Not even Blue for he is flip. In his mood tantrums he goes to dorm room or terrace and then destroys cushions and wooden furniture or footwear.
I hate it when anybody complains things like that. But they are both well fed so they are sleeping peacefully. Or so I hope.
Papon collection in background.
1:40
I didn't even come to know about time passing so hastily today. Still there is some time.
Blue just kept his head upon Sky like a pillow. Awww moment. They have now accepted each other. I love to see them together. I like it how they love each other. I want them to be so bonded that no matter I stay here or not yet they be there for each other emotionally.
I like it when the other gets angry if I mistreat one. All that despite of their possessive behaviour. Oh! Today a neighborhood dog 'Old John' came alongside. It was raining so I fed him and let him be here. Both Blue and Sky got so annoyed. Blue outside and Sky inside kept on fighting with him until he left. Though he too was quite stubborn. He stayed for many hours initially after my protection and later only left when I told him to go for I was scared the guest house people would go boggles after seeing three dogs now with me. If I wanna stay here I must make a home. If I wanna go - don't know why and where.
1:45
Shotuuu break time.
Do you think I should go give my friends a visit. But they don't like it anymore. I being at their place.
And Blue Sky are sleeping. Don't wanna disturb them at this time. Will wake up Blue and caress him back to sleep instead. For he keeps craving for we time. He gets alright if I give him even little of my time exclusively. Else he gets insecure and does crazy things. He is like me. I wonder how momsha must have maintained her love for both Chi and I.
Younger the kid, softer and more love demanding. Elder the kid, more time spent together and that's why deeper the bond and understanding's expectation.
I will make them into inseperable brothers. Yeah! Despite of different mothers. I will give them so much of love that they will have an abundance of it to share.
1:52
Pole just now texted. I had sent him an applause emoticon this evening. He was singing quite well this evening at Tyson. My anger has faded with time. Yet, I have kept it intact - my stand.
Some ego or respect - I don't know.
'To phir aao'
Alright my love! Good night!
Wish could have embraced you. Love! A lot a lot a lot!
Mmmmmuuuuaaah
Aug 13, 2019
Hey Love! This moment is special. Have a friend from Himachal in my room. He is a pure vibe. V.v.v innocent and I love his presence here. Right now he's reading my poems and we are both having our own trip while sharing it.
Oh! It was such an auspicious Monday that just passed. It was Saawan ka akhiri somvar :P along with Eid!
I fasted well for good 24 hours and just an hour back that it got well culminated with some delicious food. My favourite - tamatar alu ki sabzi... That too ghar Jaisi... Momsha ke hathon Jaisi.
I was really over reactive this entire evening. Where on one hand I got ready to go dance in some cafe and later ask donation as artist appreciation - so that I be able to feed blue and buy essentials rather than ordering everything here in this guest house - for I know they gonna charge me loads later.... Yet moment I had a conversation with momsha, I just got pissed with my decision for she looked down upon it and reminded me of my education and wanted me to stand upto her expectations and what not. I changed and went to a cafe only to return back further pissed with society.
And then he came - Prem.
We have been having some peaceful and comfortable time ever since. He's quite young. 22 something. Yet so mature somehow. In a spiritual way. Like his calm vibe. Good to be along.
And oh! This entire morning was just just magical. I did go to my musician friends' house last night after our last meet. We jammed the entire night. Later they came here. We had some beautiful, magical, cloud filled moments along with rain on rooftop. They even slept in my room along with Blue and it became a bit hot yet it was all full of love and care.
Also, Anmol, one of my first few friends here in this trip, a four year old cute and naughty kid - visited me this afternoon and played here for a long time. I had such good vibes throughout day around me.
And yes! I'm considering organising certified creative workshops. That will ensure my survival and will teach people skills to survive. It will promote art. It will be my field of work.
Dokc sent a killer article for my dog shelter blog! I gotta create the website soon now to do justice to all my words.
1:12 Manali monsoons are lovely and moody every year. It's all green and pretty. Fresh. Bit muddy.
Oh! I love Odl Manali .don't know why I just know I belong here. I wish it gets as warm as it used to be earlier.
Oh! Today so many street dogs just came to meet me and then all jumped over each other for my caress. It seemed strange for they always used to bark on Blue. Also I didn't know what were they coming for. I had no food with me and I was simply walking by not even calling or luring them.
1:15
Wow! Time is way slow tonight. And this guy is superbly patient. He is still reading my poems with that dedication. Rather I am feeling like talking to him instead of him disturbing me.
I gotta work on those garbage pictures soon. Maybe tomorrow first I'm gonna do that. And then day after I can go to Mandi to that old Shiva temple that Prem has mentioned. Throughout this month I wanted to go to one Shiva vibe's place. Even this morning supposedly had to be a trip to Bijli Mahadev which didn't come true. Now Mandi gotta come true.
'Hey Jude' in the background. This song has been so recurrent in this trip! Today each time it has inspired me
'don't you know, it's just you...
The moment you need is on your shoulder'...
Ash and Sun healed some wound today just with their presence. They are nice people and I respect them.
I wish I get a leather diary soon. I just want to begin writing my poems only there.
Also gotta get all my doodles photocopied! So that I get to make coloured versions of them as well. I wish I get to color them with neon Colors.
1:23
Sahi sahi! I got the series.
The temperature is strange these days. Humid. Probably I should exchange this blanket with a thinner sheet!
Someone told me that Moon is reaching here on 19th. This time my heart didn't skip a beat. Am neither excited nor upset. He is welcome ofcourse anytime. I won't be running behind him this time. It's all stable probably.
And Prem is playing music now. I enjoy listening to others' playlists. Not every time that I can think of good songs. And I have heard my own auto playlist so many times that I don't feel like playing it even outside.
This was one Monday where I neither went to take a bath in the river, nor to any temple, nor to any such place which I value or respect in a spiritual way. I was just in my room engaged with something or other. Still I had a good day with good vibes around.
Good music in room. Beats. Psy.
He is such a humble vibe. Such sweet way of talking. And pure energy. I wish to give him more time. Om Namah Shivaay!
1:31
Magical time!
My room is filled with blue night light. Also the portico has a white light lit which is entering in from half open curtains.
1:32
Such beautiful music. Mild. Peaceful. Like the vibes of the room. One day am gonna create music to emit peace and love. I am working towards building a society with love, empathy, cooperation, coexistence. I wish people to have humanity. There should be art all around. And nature. And love. Probably am living my own novel. Probably Blue is Jeevan for me. Ganesha energy. Gonzalo's memory.
Sometimes I see God in my dog. Sometimes he seems like a lover. Sometimes he becomes my kid. Sometimes a roomie. And Old Manali seems like my work-field - karm-Kshetra! Where I gotta heal my soul's home!
Such romantic music. Oh! I feel so good about tonight.
'rakh Lun chupa ke Mai kahin tukhko'
I don't know how things gonna sort out but I feel am on the right way and everything is being taken care of. That it is all destined - and is all happening the way it's supposed to be.
I think I need lot of water or juice. Yeah! Juice will be awesome. Sweet and light.
Music has such transcending impact upon human psyche. Can make one time travel. Can take one to a nostalgic trip or to a dream world.
Sometimes I feel like becoming a kid again with all those Arabian stories full of magic and fantasies. Or that time where I wanted my barbies to turn alive and be my best buddies. My portable besties. And that's why I loved Enid Blyton's stories which were full of elves and fairies. Miniature world had always fantasized me. Things unseen by rest of the world.
1:41
I am bit sleepy. V. V. Teeny veeny bit. Maybe I need a J. Will roll soon.
Alright my love! Will catch you later. Who know what's in store of the next night.
I don't know what am gonna do this birthday. Don't know how am going to celebrate. Hope it becomes special.
Love you! Mmmuuah!
With a bright moon in the cloudy sky! Bye bye!
***
1 AM, old Manali
August 14, 19
Hey One. It seems like a shared moment. Nonetheless, today I learned embracing all. All my attempts so far have been directed in this direction anyway - towards love, tolerance, being helpful in each other's evolution.
It was a peaceful day and so so full of warmth. Prem stayed back, even now he is beside. Baloo came at 4 this morning. Then at 12. We all chilled together the entire afternoon including Anmol the neighborhood bundle of joy!
And then Baloo left for Benaras. The entire trip, I kept on fighting with him for something or other. Even today that we fought. Yet I feel a bit sad for he left. Even if I can't handle/ have him all the time round. Yet, when he is there, I know someone is there concerned for me and given a situation I have someone standing by me. Well, am a solo traveler. Plus, I gotta focus on my work now.
Oh, I made two macrame bracelets for, one acrylic painting and a new sketch crayon painting today. It was such a warm and lovely day.
'Moon is coming on 19th' - I just can't take it out of my head and heart. Probably I shouldn't make it that much of a deal in both good or bad way. Probably I should be just unreactive about it. Just indifferent. Probably I should simply welcome people who wish to be a part of my life....and just say humble bus to those who don't wish to stay. Probably it is the best way - no attachments, no desires.
Yet, the kind of person that I am - am intense. I love and hate intensely. Feel everything strongly. It is just not possible for me to not be happy or sad about something by choice. These emotions are natural know... I don't know how sages and monks conquer all this. Yet anger is something that is one of the most difficult things to handle. Atleast for me.
Right now however is way peaceful. Good music, mild blue light, full on rain outside, winded open windows with curtains drawn, a peaceful vibe beside.
Right now it's just perfect - the energy, mood, music.
'Hello'...
I love Adele's voice. One day will write similar songs...or another level of original... Yet will always admire her.
1:12
Missed triple one.
Maybe today it's different vibe. Every moment is.
I so wished to go to Bijli Mahadev or that old temple in Mandi... As Shiva desires. Maybe I go to Hadimba temple tomorrow. Someone had suggested me insisting upon it. I wish to go there before 15th. Tomorrow is the day.
There was some 15th August where I had made some kind of escape from society pulling me in its clutches. There is this 15th where I have my own image of tools essential to bring any change.
1:16
Why do I feel sleepy only at this time. Then I stay awake thx entire night and just try to sleep or do something. Yet this one hour of our togetherness is either my daily schedule or seems sleepy.
Tomorrow I will get this room cleaned. I feel it needs it.
Oh! Blue has gone on his adventures again. I miss him. Didn't even clean his corner for wanted his bed to stay as it is till he comes back. By now though I am used to his outings and returns. I just miss him.
1:20
Suddenly it seems open and bright - my life. Suddenly lot of hope has entered in - I don't know from where.
What if you feel connected to someone yet lot of things enter in your head - say about intention or repurcussion. Sometimes I get confused between staying in my teen or growing up.
I look 23 anyway. :P
Oh! My birthday coming soon. Haven't planned anything. Haven't even wished for anything this time. Prior to that is Rakhi. I now wish to send him one Rakhi to Bangalore. But hd doesn't value it anyway. What's the point of such hassle when so many times he has insulted my efforts. One day he will understand and love me back. Till then, we don't really need these formalities. We have a shared childhood full of love and togetherness. We have a difficult grown up phase. Yet I know, love stays. Love gotta stay. One day we gonna be together again.
I don't wanna grow up. I don't wanna be individual at so many levels. Of maybe am just bit scared or clueless about doing so many things on my own. Yet, so many people here say that there is not we or you. It is all I - consciousness. Even Buddhism says it's all in the mind. Sometimes I look at life this way, say we are imagining it all and nothing is really happening. That it is just like dream. Like these clouds everyday passing by right across. So much of matter and visible, yet so light like a spirit. So much of hollowness inside.
I miss Ash and Sun today for I couldn't meet them today and they have been so so nice the other day.
I couldn't even do anything further in my projects. Yet gotta think of a name for my art schools. I don't know how my mind and heart are running in so many different directions at the same time. Wanna do so much so soon, yet have no idea about Hows.
1:30
Anhan! Caught ya!
I loved laughing along with Anmol so much today. Am glad I have shifted here again, which is close to his place and he can come, drop by anytime. Same applies on Maahi and Manya but they are also pulled by K's politics. I hope their dad is here so that adventures enter in once again in their life. And I have to anyhow figure out a certificate course for Ekta. I have promised her and she has hooked her hope and faith on me.
'Zombie' in the background.
1:33
Lucky! Magical!
For dog' shelter, I had asked few friends to choose amids few names. I still gotta decide upon one and upload it all online. Have three articles by now. Gotta finish the rest. I guess I talk about all this work more than I do... And I have been more of an implementation person throughout. I just don't get time. Days and nights whoosh by over here. I do so much in a day and yet fail to do the amount of work in the required fields.
1:36
Will enter into writing poems again soon as well. First gotta get sorted with the work I have given myself. Sometimes it all seems foolish. Yet there are times when I look at the green mounts, the pure river Manalsu gushing down, and it all seems like a motherboard or organ of some creature where it seems like my duty to just be here and be myself. Keep following my heart, flowing with flow, doing whatever am feeling like.
My favourite song -
'Shiv kailashon ke waasi'
I wish to take a bath in river soon. It just rains everyday.
1:39
'ant Beant teri maaya'
1:45
Alright love!
Good night!
I am in a mood to sleep tonight! The vibe is quite beautiful. Just relaxed. Content in the moment. Maybe living with heart is what am gonna do.
Love you!
Om Namah Shivay
***
1 AM, Old Manali
August 15th, 2019.
India!
Happy Independence dear One. You are I. We are one. For there is no other. It's all I. Maybe today a mass level of I got free of a struggle with another I - only outside.
1:01
Probably one 1 was fighting with another one and today they split up for good. Or probably, some slavery got enough of it's serving and tables turned. Or I don't know. For what I notice in India still is that foreigners are treated like gods and Indians until rich or bringing benefit are treated like shit. And all this has nothing to do with foreigners being guests. Either it's money or oftentimes it's still some genetic brainwash where east still keeps west upon it's head. Yet West comes here and learns why to touch feet.
Anyway, for me boundaries of that kind don't exist. For me, it's all same - only different angles or perspectives.
Oh, I have begun my garbage cleaning project from today. It's just online so far. Also it's bit risky for people may take it personally when am gonna give exact locations of such disposals.... Yet I feel that it is essential for only then effective outcome is possible.
1:07
I got fed up of Victor talking about Tuktuk being number 8 and ruled by saturn and being dark and so discarded by society and stuff. I just don't take Tuktuk to be worth a conversation. And here am mentioning him in my blog. Let me cleanse it.
Alright! Prem left this morning and later I saw clothes he had kept messily on a shelf, pot he had left dirty and how he had not bothered about checking with me about the duration of his stay. How everyone just comes and keeps sleeping in my room and makes me less productive. Yet I also remembered his peaceful smile, the peace he brought with his presence, his company, how I could avoid so many places where I was less respected yet was still visiting just to keep on tapping on love or their good side. How he gave me enough of his time to seize this eternal anxiety in me to go somewhere, do something, meet someone. How I became so overly productive suddenly just with his presence and later with his absence. With him that I did things of my passion. Once he left, I could so well focus on also the things that were required to be done.
1:14
Some music filled in my room. I am bored of this playlist. But WiFi isn't as great and I don't have any data right now.
I am about to get down. I can so feel it - the lethargy, over hunger, over thirst, such mood swings. Any hour now. That makes me wonder, how do we fail this point while meeting with others. These hormones. One has no control over them. And we don't realise them in our own bodies. How could we possibly make it out in others. Yet they are such significant properties of anyone behaviour. Say this entire evening, I just wanted what I wanted, immediately wherever I went. Had no patience.
It's only when I got back to my place. Gave me ample of everything that I laid on my bed all relaxed.
Oh! These are solitary moments after two three days. And am enjoying it from late evening.
I enjoy active company where people are involved together doing something. Even sharing silence with few vibes is enjoyable and empowering because of their energy. And not like I seek people dancing and jumping around all the time. Yet, I like active souls with pure hearts. People who smile more, are empathetic, have love in their souls.
It effects me intensely when someone's intention is corrupted. I saw hint of it in Prem and that's why I wasn't as happy with our meet as I had expected. It was sudden yet the fact that he had come to keep my spirit up was commendable. He wasn't as confident with his presence for there was an ounce of dark intention in him. Last night I hope I triggered the good in him. He anyway nowhere made me angry except the dirty pot part. Instead I only felt this love for world throughout. I wanted him to go all relaxed and content. He had already broken my faith where on first night he promised to go to Mandi's old Shiva temple the next day and later changed it to Bijli Mahadev and then not mentioning it at all. I get people in small instances. Even if I was a bit connected yet I couldn't bring myself to act on it for there were so many things in my head. I remembered his friend's energy towards me when he thought I was available. I remembered another guy's intention in the same cafe. I couldn't make out why Prem all of sudden was here spending so much of time with me. He stayed calm and sweet nonetheless. And I love it when he calls me 'bawa'. He's even younger than my brother. And that's another thing that kept me on check. I was confused between soothing a soul with my 100% natural self or meeting within social conduct while using both my heart and head.
Anyway, I guess I hosted him well and he went a better person. He is a good soul anyway.
1:30
Anhan! Here we are. I and the magic.
In the background, 'Let it be'.
I visited Ash and Sun this evening. Was missing them. But came out early - for they had just woken up and still needed time to be oriented. Blue is still not back. Somebody called me to Travelosic directly texting that he's not having food. I went the moment I saw that text. They said he left and checked if I could so another painting. I don't know if they were lieing and rather wanted me to come paint or if Blue was actually there. I now no more go out to find out Blue. Now he knows where I stay and I let him be. Just the thought of him not having food and being somewhere sad made me go there.
1:34
It's also Rakshabandhan today. None of my brothers are here.
Not even a guy whom I could have considered like one. I thought of texting Aehsan 'Happy Rakhi' but a guy asmuch without values can't ever be given that pure a space. But I don't like named relationships. I anyway don't like confining love within nametags.
And blood relations remain blood relations - with or without love.
And love remains love with or without names or definition. I don't know my relation to Blue yet I love him so so much.
That's what I was thinking of this evening. How I chucked out this entire connection to Pole just in an instance when he kicked Blue. How I have quit going to cafes where Blue is not welcome. How I don't caress those dogs who after many attempts of making them understand with love, didn't get friendly with Blue. I mean I don't really know about Blue bit I for sure am loyal to him. And I still don't have a name for our relationship. It's just love. Has no parameters. No rules. No definition. Just that he's mine. I am his. And we are both our individual selves with both shared and private lives. He has his own friends. I have mine. There are common places where we both get good souls. There are places where only he goes or only I go (the other one gets bored). Such a healthy connection know.
1:42
I didn't even realise time passing by so quickly tonight. Am just here on my bed. No blue light tonight. Portico's white light is turned on instead. And windows are half curtained.
It's one night prior to full moon night. I mean Google said 15th night. I don't know if it is tonight or tomorrow. I did get to see the moon this evening though. Beautiful. Bit shy. Right in the middle of rain filled clouds.
1:44
Number 9. Lucky number. Spiritual number. Probably I will upload all my art pics online tonight. Probably I'll go and visit Ash and Sun first. Of I don't know. Let's see where the flow takes me.
1:46
Alright my love! Lots of love!
Be happy! Be free. Keep evolving. Keep learning.
Mmmuuuaaah!
Tight hug!
Number 11.
***
1 AM
16th August, 19.
Old Manali.
Dear one, I wish to transcend right now to Arabian world or fairy world, basically the world of stories.
1:01
'perhaps, perhaps, perhaps'
Oh! I found Blue at my friends' place last night. Am glad I went to catch up. We jammed till morning and I came back to give Blue a wash, food, new leash, pass out and evening that I was back at their place. I love their vibes. Have named Sun as Laddu today for he keeps mentioning them. Ash looked quite nice in white shirt. I love white shirts on guys.
Oh! Later Blue just didn't come back along with me and am glad he didn't for on my way were those dogs who usually fight with him. Blue is getting stronger with love. He now fights back for himself on random attacks. Usually he is quite and bitches just adore him everywhere. My Blue. He is getting more and more handsome. Oh! I gave himva second leash at Sanju's shop. The first one was macrame neck piece with a tiny Bell in it. The second one was made out of jute rope. I tried that material for the first time this evening and the result seemed decent to me. For cream rope showed quite well upon him. I love him.
We again lost each other as evening took it's course. We even went to meet with Ludo who was bit by a crazy dog recently. I have been in this fear for Blue. I don't wanna lose him. People here simply mass poison street dogs when they get scared. I don't want Blue to face what Chill did. I won't be able to forgive myself for letting him be as free as I let him be
But I also feel that he is mature enough to know his good and bad. If Chill was core purity who had not really seen outside world but my pamper and love of everyone... Blue had battled throughout. He has been tough despite of so much of banishment. and I love to see him flourishing gradually. He has such nice hair that even humans will get jealous. And that hint of dreads just upon his ass. My favourite is that white heart or an angel right below his neck.
1:11
After so long!
'karte hain hum aaj kabool kya kijiye'.
I feel am also getting better in music may it be vocals or guitar - but at a very subtle level
I do give my best to learn. Not best though for I don't practice back in my room - which probably is essential.
Both Ash and Sun are such amazing humans and musicians to learn along with. If Aehsan and PK took me on high notes, the shrill voice, the dark side... These two teach me the softness of music, the waves, slow moed version of raagas.
If the first lessons were head voice, these are from stomach. Both touch heart none the less for they are but different shades. I am more at peace with the recent ones. They are pure, emotional, less complaining, more in feeling.
1:15
I finally got my phone recharged. Also got some basic grocery items that I needed for a long time.
1:16
Moon will come on 19th. Probably. He seems so distant presently. As if an image or an idea that I carried for a long time in my heart but was not really true.
1:17
I also went to meet Prem at Milange late evening. Mota bjai was also there. We had some fun conversation. It was nice if not great. Good change.
I guess, prior to showcasing my artwork, I gotta be really hasty with that dog shelter thing. Else, innocent dogs may lose their life.
And sooner I take any steps, the better it will be.
Ash had made pulao last night and I loved having home made food after such a long time. Even if I am not at all into rice. But I thoroughly enjoyed it, don't know why.
1:20
'anhad naad bajao ji sab mil'.
1:21
Bit sleepy already. I don't even have stuff with me tonight.
1:22
'Teri banke Jiyun, teri ho ke marun'
Imagine a sea side, you and I walking, singing, chilling - side by side. Compatibility is rare know. If you are I thencwe have done ig so many times. Mild music inside soul, waltzing feet, singing waves, sparkling silver.
I just hallucinated in thin air. My eyes got closed for few micro seconds and I opened them to trip on a guy's shadow dancing. There is none though.
I bought two black gel pens as well tonight. I love to doodle with them. Sketching is so precise then.
1:30
'let the sky fall'
I love this song.
Miss Bangalore in the moment. This month is hugely connected to it for both Ashika and I share our birthdays.
It's the first time I was away from home on Rakhi. Even when I used to stay in campus that I had gone to my place. Though Bhai and I had some fight and that was the only time I couldn't tie him a Rakhi. It is my mistake as well. I should have sent rakhis if I wasn't going. Mama and momsha did call. I had already texted both Jatin and Karan last night itself. I feel these traditions remain futile without intention and as much love.
1:34
Silence!
'society, you crazy breed'.
I danced for a teeny veeny tune in Sunshine during my short visit. Oh a shopkeeper managed to fool me again today. I don't know why people have become so so dishonest here in old Manali. Victor says it is Kalyuga and only materialistic people can thrive in it. That for spiritual journey, this time is really hard. I guess, harder the better. For the lessons are better and deeper.
I miss home and daily a bit today. Though I get lonely there. Yet, I have some attachment to it.
1:37
Number 11.
Oh! Papa also texted today. We exchanged each others' pictures as well. Hope I could give him some happiness. He didn't reply though. You can never be sure in case of parents. They can take any thing in any way. Plus, they have a right to do it.
1:39
'what a wonderful world'.
It's a very soothing song.
Everytime anyone is passing by this lane, I get scared. I so so wish to have peanut butter with jam right now in my mouth. These hormones know - they just know how to create cravings.
1:41
'I hate you, I love you'
Probably the most connection or maybe every complicated relationship.
I deal life like that. Instantly I get attached and just like that I get detached as well.
1:42
Anhan! Probabyl I half slept throughout our meet. Maybe I need sleep. I am such a dumb person. I bought everything but surf excel that I needed the most. All my clothes are dirty. They so need a wash. And I so need new clothes. I don't know what for. Am just bored of the ones that I have. Why wasn't I better prepared? But I had no idea about the duration of my stay over here. Nonetheless, whenever is the right time.
1:45
Alright my love! Good night. It is a full moon night. Though all clouded. Yet the energy matters. It remains. Love you. A warm embrace. A wet kiss right upon your forehead and lips. If they exist.
Bye bye! See ya tomorrow! Mmmuuuaaah!
***
1 AM,
Old Manali.
August 17,19.
It is Pole's birthday. I have not wished him as yet though. I wanted to but I feel, wishing him would be kind of ditching Blue for he had kicked him. So I won't even talk to him until he gonna approach me on his own and gonna be compassionate or respectful to dogs if not in love.
I have a chance to go to Triloknath in Lahaul with Prana. Most probably I'm gonna go for it's a day's trip but am bit lazy about it for one Prana is bit boring to be with and another I am about to go down so have like absolutely no strength for spontaneous trips. I love spontaneity none the less and it is quite exciting to even think of stepping out of old Manali that too with comfort of a car.. but there's always a No available with sudden things. Majorly it is because of things gone wrong with Prana few months ago and I don't want a BT. Won't even be having stuff for the way. But Triloknath has Shiva's temple and this entire saavan I craved to visit atleast one place with recognised Shiva vibe though I feel Shiv is everywhere, so is Shakti.
Still there are places and people way ancient and with powerful vibe. Also, Dokc told me that the place is way beautiful. It is my birth month. I am gonna be getting a gift from cosmos in a way if I go. Let's see. If I do go I would have to prepare overnight and leave by 4. All my clothes are dirty. Rather have damped them in surf water just one hour back. Have literally no tee-shirts or tops left. As such it's a two days' thing. If I really have to go, I can easily go. All on my mood. Being down and going to that auspicious a place would also be not so good for I may attract negative energy. Yet, with right intention nothing amiss can happen. Aah! Why such confusions in my life!
Dokc had called this morning to check if I could keep an abandoned puppy and take care of it. I even went to fetch him but then Dokc wanted to take him to a vet tomorrow. I knew I wouldn't have been able to afford it. So I instead let that puppy stay there. I will pick him once I return from Triloknath.
Blue has now got full independent. He now checks out other places to spend nights and likes to spend time with his own friends. Probably I can take responsibility of another puppy now. It is a huge task for puppies litter a lot. Yet, they are easy to carry and more loved and accepted as compared to small dogs. And anyway, this is one of my dream things - to open a dog shelter. Beginning the work before shelter is actually a positive step towards it.
Oh! Ashi called this evening. It had been such a long time we had had a proper conversation. She is my besti, my love. She is one person I can always count on. She loves me so much and so do I. Her family is like my family. I even call his brother with Anna behind which means elder bro. We share our birthdays and maybe se earlier birth connections. That's why I was missing Bangalore so much. She was a crucial part of missing. She called and told me that she was missing me enough to have tears in her eyes that too in office itself. I sang a song for her that I always dedicate to her,
'see you again'.
1:21
Woah! Time is kind of running today. And just the thought of trip is tiring and exciting at the same time. I wish Ash and Sun were also coming along. I am developing a strange fondness for them. Especially for Ash. He is such a pure soul. So empathetic. So innocent and emotional. Plus all one feels beside him is peace.
1:23
A bit sleepy. Had a lot of food today but what I really need is tasty juices or liquid delicacies.
I gotta bring this workshop to reality anyhow. It is important both for my survival and respect both outside and inside. Both in society and in family.
1:27
I almost had a power nap.
I even visited Prem today. It wasn't for a very long time but I wanted to so I did. Though he again promised something today and latex forgot about it or intentionally didn't go for it. But it's a minus one from his good deeds! :P
1:30
Oh! I have finally created a seperate Gmail and wordpress account for dog shelter. Customizimg part is still left. So is clicking pics, type and upload content. Writing new articles on themes that I have already listed!
1:36
I am soooo sleepy that am passing out after time-check!
1:42
Alright my love. See you tomorrow.
1:45
I could pass out even in the middle of previous line. So so sleepy. That too out of all the nights, it's today where am as sleepy when staying awake is so essential.
I so need a bath now. Love you dear one. Good night. Mmmuuuah!
***
1 AM, Old Manali!
Aug 18, 2019
Dear One! Such a beautiful moment. Am with my friends in their room - Ash, Sun and their friend. We are celebrating 'my birthday' - I don't know why, but it feels special and am happy!
Forgive my grammar today but so liking it - this writing freely. Just being free.
Oh! I had forgotten to mention my most special moments in our last meet and also today - my morning meets with Anmol - the neighborhood kid. He is just so special. Cutie pie. He wakes me up every morning with so much of love and adoration and then plays a lot and does all kinds of theatre all around me with all his innocence and divine beauty. Oh! He is both an angel and a devil. So cute. So full of clever words.
He paints then destroys. Suddenly pees down from my portico to make me lose my mind. He annoys me. He brings the best side in me. Such a kid with such a voice.
Right now it's raining. Infact it has been raining continuously from last night. That's why going out today made no sense. But I have been mostly here with my friends. I love their vibe.
Oh! I didn't go to Triloknath. Prana did ask in morning but I just didn't feel like. And I didn't even want to change the Manali vibe for this is where we meet. Also I feel, if Shiva is everywhere then I don't necessarily need to go to Hadimba or Shiva temple. I have both in me.
This trip was dedicated to attaining the Rudra or Kaali inside. Along with that I realised also my Gauri side.
1:08
Feels different - meeting with you in a new zone. Yet it is pleasent. Full of lovely vibes. Happy energy.
Oh! I did text wished Dhruva for his birthday. I thought I should not lose my nature if he doesn't leave his. I didn't personally go for you never know with him - he can be really rude in his dark side.
Right now, am quite cosy and warm - vibe wise. I got to know just today that Ash and Sun are way elder than what I assumed them to be. I was taking them to be quite young. They are mature as well as sorted.
1:11
Anhan! Magical! I agree.
In the background 'positivity ka zariya.... Har solution andar hi...'
1:12
Ok! Now am sitting back with them. Good music. Positive words around.
Numerology being discussed around.
1:14
Am just happy! In bliss. Being accepted and valued is essential for humans I guess. That keeps them sane and happy.
Maybe it is all in mind. If there are no others. If it is all I. If it's the same like a DMT trip -where all people or situations around are but imagination. Just constructs of mind. And it changes the moment you decide to change it. If you decide you don't have to take a BT, it won't come. Or even if it does, it may be difficult to face the first time. Yet once you learn how to overpower it, the duration of BT will reduce with time to a phase where it will be but a blink or swish away. Or maybe a phase comes where it won't be able to touch my zone as well. Who knows!
1:18
Tiny figments of laughter.
Ok! Am out in the garden now. It is but shaded place right outside room. The garden is in front with a dancing rain upon it.
Opposite to me is Travelosic - Baloo's connection. He's in Benaras now.
It's strange how on mountains, all you think about or live in - is your immediate reality. The people around, what's happening around. Phone usage minimizes. I often times fail to connect to normal things of city... Life is so simple here and beautiful. You create, connect, celebrate basic essentials and just live respecting every moment. Atleast I do, with all my love and receptive soul for learning.
A guy passing by on this floor. He seems familiar. He's similar to a guy I had spent some time with in Anshika. Maybe he is the same. But his dreads were longer.
Today Ash and Sun didn't go for any gig and I could spend more time with them. They are in a way my teachers, and these days they have all my focus and energy.
I have got quite connected to them. Though am also scared a bit thinking of the patterns in my life and how much do I get attached and how much that I get hurt later. In terms of music I guess they are way inspiring and such humble guides. In terms of familiarity they feel just my own - old connections. They let me be so comfortable and all I feel is love.
Where does so much rain come from. It just doesn't stop, yet doesn't stay. It's all flowing here on hills - the water, the time, the wind. It's all changing - our perspectives, our thoughts, acts, friends, we.
1:27
Time is quite slow today. Maybe I am just eager to be back with them. But this moment is special too. The rain, the vibe, I and you.
Rain itself has it's own music. The pitter patter of rain in the silent trance of night with frequent distant night barks, occasional signs of life. Rest all is but blanketed by the sound of flow!
I don't know why I fail to let anybody come as close to be as Moon after him. I just keep so many layers and tests in between. And yet often that I get hurt by not receiving the same type or amount of love that I give.
One should never take a BT.
Rather not give anyone chance to give us a BT.
One should be easy going.
In one's own trip.
I have been trying hard to bring fthat art project alive. But then I get carried by love that I get and love that I give.
I have goosebumps in my legs right now. And I am loving it. Kind of erotic feeling. Recently I watched few good photographs in some Facebook page where these goosebumps on some girl's flat tummy looked just so sensual that I could appreciate an new side of nature.
1:34
Should I go in? Probably yes! For now there's a yellow light lit in the room beside. It's upon a red wall so the color is rely nice. But I need music. Though rain is already musical. I miss them as well. I don't know how they have turned so quite.
Let me enter in. Change the vibe. But I can go for it even after some time. What do you suggest. Probably stay here for a bit more and than share them with those loved ones.
I should be thankful to cosmos for making me meet with them. I really respect and admire them.
Ha ha! I feel like Blue right now, sitting outside their room, just because I love their vibe. Though I am out for I wish to. Actually same for Blue - for they are mentioning and missing him more than I am. I have now come to terms with it - that he's now grown up and wants to live on his own. I will welcome him whenever he's gonna come. But I won't anymore make a fuss out of him. I would rather let him be - like how I have always liked for my own upbringing.
Have a little bit of pain in my neck and back - wearing this stupid brasserie after a long time. I just hate such tight clothes. Why were they ever invented and then even made so essential in women's life. I don't generally wear any such stupid shit. Just sometimes, when I feel over transparent in my life that I try to seal or cover basics - even that suffocates me - so free is my soul.
1:41
Let's go inside. Ha ha! So eager know. Let's just go!
Alright my love! Good conversation. Catch you tomorrow.
So much of love
So much of freedom
Good intellect
Love!!!
Mmmuuuah!!!
***
1 AM, Old Manali
Aug 19, 2019
Dearie One! It has been such a special day! I got a chance to go to both Hidimba temple and Siali Mahadev. I got like perfect sync between yin and yang, or that's what I prayed for.
Right now am at my friends' place. Have just come here. And am laughing immediately for such are the vibes like.
Now am outside. Happy to see Blue waiting for me over here.
Oh! I have got a new puppy. He is so so small. Hardly a month old. Maybe now Blue is bit insecure and that's why insisting upon entering in and being with me. Anyway, I had not let him enter inside my room for he had returned back so so dirty this morning and I wanted to teach him a little bit of obedience after him ditching me the last time. For he leaves me anytime he likes and goes for any bitch or game and doesn't even listen to me. Not like I wanna keep him tied all the time but the rare times I ask him to do something he has to listen to me. I do respect his freedom but can't just let him return back all muddy and dirty and bring flies into my room. Also, it is difficult to give him baths every second day. It is not even good for him.
Maybe he is sad now. Maybe he now wishes to switch his caretaker. But we still are connected. I am sure he will understand. It may take some time though.
Oh! The people in my guest house came to their real face today. Mentioned money and disturbed my peace right before dinner talking about the rate of each chapati and all.
Woah! It's raining again. Manali is so so moody and I love it.
Btw, I went to those temples with Prem and later we also explored a new trek on the other side of river. Cottages were so so pretty there and totally untouched. It was all so peaceful. Probably staying there will be a better idea. I will get a decent home. But I don't know for how long that I am gonna sustain. Everything needs money though. As such even now am paying, rather more. Then I gotta plan in advance and handle things accordingly.
Ok! This stupid neighbour has lit a bright light again. Why does he do it everytime that I sit outside. Ok! He has switched it off thankfully.
Blue is right beside, maybe feeling cold. I have bit of a pity and a lot of love for him. I only had driven him outside this morning for he had come back so dirty. Now my friends also didn't let him enter. Why can't I get tough with him. I just love him way too much.
Everyone knows him now. No matter am with him or not, kids, people on street randomly call him - Blue. I love the fact that he is so loved and accepted now.
1:15
Time to go back inside.
Ash is taking out the puppy's ticks. So sweet of him. I just love his vibe. And also love to sleep beside him. For he smiles every time we wake up in between only to pass out again. And here is Sun with his amazing humour. He keeps it all alive. Makes me laugh all the time. They way Sun teaches me to sing is also appreciable - so much with patience, so much of dedication.
1:22
Sun is back with his stories. And Ash is back with his music. And I am still laughing, vibing. Blue is outside and am missing him.
And the puppy is inside, I still gotta name him.
Now Blue is inside. Am happy. All my loved ones are here. Oh I have even gelled with Baba - my friends' friend. He is also a good guy. We are all tripping on Blue and puppy.
Laughing, making stories on them.
And Ash is randomly calling the puppy 'Arjun'. It sounded nice. I still would love to give him a name on my own.
The puppy is pulling Blue's beard. Lol! It's such a lovely vibe. Roaming outside. We are all happy! So much of love in the room.
1:28
It had been a great and perfect day. Though I didn't do anything in my projects. But I am still content. Last entire night we partied insanely and I had passed out over here itself. Morning was so peaceful and happy. I went all smiling.
Even now am smiling. They are all just making stories on the dogs. And they are damn funny.
Oh! Prem had visited for a bit at night. His vibe is also quite peaceful.
I don't know how some people just became so significant in my life in this trip initially and then vanished with the wind. I don't know how they have become so special to me - people in my now.
This is a special day. I had got Chill while coming back from Kullu diwali fest two years back. I have found this puppy today again after getting purified - that too in two temples. He is indeed a blessing. And oh so pom-pom like. Fluffy. Cute!
1:35
Here comes a story on pom pom for I just suggested this name for the puppy. They are totally engaged in them and I love this vibe. So full of love and amusement. Each is in now including the dogs who are playing. Why don't people let dogs into their lives. Humanity will return to the world and each will retain the soft flame inside their souls.
I was so determined to visit Hidimba today that I simply went in a single dress without my phone in drizzle, despite of puddles with Blue. Later Prem luckily joined and entire excursion became a magical adventure.
Oh! There was a moment where in order to protect Blue from some rowdie street dogs I had a large stick in one hand and a found feather in other and one of the dogs (confused between barking at Blue or getting s Ares of my tell and stick) just looked at the feather in my other hand and we exchanged a look and he went quite. I don't know if he understood my vibe or found me silly of got scared. But I loved that version of mine. Like Gauri and Kaali together. One side full of love, another ready to fight to protect.
1:44
I loved to see so many dogs in Dhungri. Even inside Hidimba temple there were so many puppies and a beautiful white healthy dog all full of love.
There were so many healthy dogs in the entire village coexisting with life over there.
Wow! Just wow! Wish old Manali had that much of love for dogs left in them.
I am glad I have taken this responsibility of this puppy. I feel lucky! And it is for sure a step ahead in my street dog shelter project. I don't know how am gonna pay my expenses. I know if will all get sorted. I just know am right with what am doing. I wish I be good at it. This puppy is so so small. Hardly a month old. It is life after all. I felt a bit guilty after giving him a bath today. For he was shivering and I had no dryer to blow his shiver off.
I wish to do so much for so many . If only I had enough resources. I will have. Else this wish wouldn't have been so prominent in me.
1:49
Alright my love! Will catch you tomorrow. Love you. A lot. A lot. Still laughing. Still in love.
Mmmmmmuuuuahhhh
***
1 AM, Old Manali
August 20, 19
Dear One! Such a blissful moment. We are all synced. My favourite people right beside me in my room. Along with the teeny veeny puppy - Pom-pom toofani/ Sky/ Boyca... Also Dokc told me that he may get a home and family in a weak from now. I felt a bit sad for I had accepted him to be mine with all my soul. I don't know how I was so confident this time.
Right now the room is filled with blue night light, shadow of portico's white light, lovely soulful live music, Ash, Sun, Tiny Blue, I and a colorful butterfly. Ofcourse also lot many flying ticks but I would rather not include them.
They came to meet me for they had unintentionally hurt me this evening. I feel special. They are good humans. Such kind souls. I did get to see a glimpse of the other side though in evening... But I will take care of what I felt. Will avoid my overstay there.
Yet, we just sync. I feel like being with them all the time. I had felt the same with Aehsan and Neil and later had found myself in a really dark zone. With Sun and Ash it is always colorful, positive and happy.
1:06
Oh!! I met with Victor some time back. I was bit rude to him for I wasn't able to handle his humour at that time. He keeps cracking random girl boy jokes. Today he fake called his wife and called me his girlfriend and though he appreciated me there and commented on I becoming Momma of two dogs,Yet I just couldn't help but be rude to his unnecessary words. Come on, he is 75. And I really respect him for his free spirit and art.
1:11
Magical moment.
I am laughing along with them and I don't know how that ounce of hurt diluted. They are just old soul connections. So mine, so comfortable to be along with. Just love, sensibility, peace, piousness, happiness.
1:15
I am singing along. Badly though. My voice only doesn't come out at such low pitch.
1:16
'Laiyan laiyan'
Beautiful. Perfect vibes! How does it all become so so magical when we are all together? Though today Baba and Blue are missing. Still, our Bermuda actually creates a star somehow.
1:18
'ek din aap Yun hum Ko mil jayenge'
Atif in the house!
1:19
Eyes closed. Totally in the vibe. So much connected. Wow!
I wanna sing 'soniyo'.
'barsaat bhi AA kar Chali gyi,
Baadal bhi garaj ke Baras Gye...'
Miss Moon.
I saw Moon as well after a long time - I mean that clear and that diamond like.
'in Dino Dil mera'
1:25
I am a bit cold tonight. Maybe because am lying right opposite to the door and wind is quite smart. She steals through door sill.
Ash is singing a new song. His voice epitomizes peace. And Sun brings perfect waves and variations.
I am cold.
But it feels cosy still - for I have such lovely vibes full of love.
I still haven't culminated fasting. Been 27 hours. Will probably have Maggie.
I wouldn't have visited them for sure tonight. They came that's why. And I just can't get over it. Why am I such a child? So so emotional. Blue too is like me - over emotional. That's why I try to take care of his sentiments.
1:31
I gave both Blue and Sky a bath this morning. It rained heavily till evening. So eager was I to meet them that I took Blue sky even in rain. Oh! But we all had an interesting night and such special morning till noon.
1:34
Tab fir Mr. One, if you are the one than it is all perfect and happening exactly how it's supposed to be.
1:35
'You and I in this beautiful world'
'Kiss me, close your eyes'
We are all laughing and smiling while singing these jingles.
1:37
Number 11.
1:39
'kya hua jo laari chooti'
1:40
It seems like a text antakshari to me today. Yet am loving it.
So much of love. And finally some live music in my room.
1:41
Laughter again.
Some good notes.
Good vibes. Happy energy.
Love. Peace. Life.
I would have been passionate with you on such a monsoon night dear One. I would have found comfort in your warmth.
I would have laughed along with you on bed.
Love you. Dearest One.
Magical.
***
1 AM, Old Manali.
Aug 21, 2019
Dearest One. How are you? I had a crazy day! Made an amazing sandwich at Milange. Had peaceful time with both Sky and Prem.
Also took Sky for a tiny trek where I found Blue and we all went to Vatika - where I danced insanely, also tripped for a long time. I wanted to stay there though. I came back - majorly because was missing them - my friends. Here I am in their room. Ash and Sun.
Oh! I got crazy intense vibes tonight over there. Both good and bad. Dark and white. Last time I had made a painting over there. Today it seemed so trippy to dance beside.
It's just cosy here. I could catch on power nap atleast.
1:11
Magic time.
And we are all laughing again.
I liked my entire day except one part where someone took out his own inner frustration on me socially that too in that sick a way and that too in front of his daughter. What a shitty side to show to your own child. How uncivil a behaviour. I pity Kinjal now. Or maybe she deserves a guy like him. Don't wanna be negative here. But seriously how immature a mind.
Rest entire day was just magical. I didn't even realise how it flowed on and carried me in its sway.
Vatika was simply trippy. And on my hike back I saw a beautiful beautiful moon. I wished for more of peaceful time there.
But I loved the time that I had.
I came back for I wanted Blue to be calm and I was really really missing them.
1:22
I have Dairy milk in my mouth right now. I am drowned in this choco-blast. In the moment where Love and cosiness is there. This moment where old soul connections are there.
Love, purity, care, shared laughter.
1:25
Am quite tired today. I don't know why. Maybe because I haven't been having full sleep. This teenie sky me up after two or three hours itself.
I hope Blue and Sky become inseparable soon. We gonna be our own star.
Oh I think I saw Taurus constellation along with numerous other stars in that one magical moment while dancing in Vatika.
I am still so sleepy. Yet wanna be with them as well. Am cosy in bed.
It was good to go to Vatika though. Totally transcending. Transcendental. Took me to another world.
Right now guitars in air. Yet a damp smell is also there.
I love these vibes. I love to come back to them. It feels more home.
1:38
I need a bath. I also crave to have something over tasty. Like hot choco or banana shake.
1:39
Dear One, you for sure are magical. For all the time it keeps coming back to my mind that there are no others.it's just I. It's all the mind. Figments of imagination.
1:41 alright my love. Will catch you tomorrow. A tight hug.
Lots of love.
,***
1 AM, Old Manali
August 22,19
Dear One. I am in my room tonight. This is a crazy yet cosy moment for Blue and Sky are both here with me. Though Blue is getting flip between staying inside for my love or getting jealous or annoyed of Sky's ticks and bit aggressive behaviour.
I have now left the door open. For Blue is suddenly wanting love and attention and then he is showing his reaction with sudden smacks or exits. Alright. And Sky too wants to follow him everywhere. So yeah! Have left it open for a bit - to let them do whatever they want. I am a bit sick today. Have got cough.
1:03
Also that am hungry. Don't know why people in my guest house just closed the kitchen so early. I didn't get a chance to go to the market as well for Blue Sky were sleeping in evening and I neither wanted to lock them inside nor take their comfort from them.
It was such a blissful moment for Blue had entered inside room after three nights and was also comfortable. He is flip. I love it when he plays along with Sky and accepts him. Yet I don't want him to feel suddenly replaced. I don't want him to feel what I went through.
Alright! Now they are both inside. They are having curd. I fed them with all that was there in the room. Only little bit of curd is left now. Sky is quite young.. he needs small portions of frequent diets. So I have saved some curd for him. I wish I had kept more. Everyday when I was saving decent meals for Blue he didn't come. Just today when even the kitchen got closed and I had limited amenities that both are here. But I hope they are decently fed.
Ok! I have shown blue another entry and exit - from the window. This way Sky won't run out everytime and Blue can make as many entries and exits. He is so small - sky. All I feel like doing is cuddling him. These days most of my time passes in taking care of them.
I have got cold and cough suddenly. And I have been making Kaada for friends around all this while, now I have cold. How ironical. Probably I caught it from someone or probably it is because I was in but shorts and a tee-shirt last entire evening till night in Vatika.
1:20
I wish someone comes with good energy, good stuff and something tasty to eat. I wish someone close visits with pure heart and without judgements. I don't know how I have lost touch with all my arts. And not like am doing much about my projects as well. I give most of my time to Sky Blue or I go to my friends' room and either jam or pass out for then I get relieved that both Blue and Sky are taken care of and I pass out peacefully.
Oh! I get to connect so much to both of them with my own self and my brother. Also, I much better understand Momsha and all the efforts she put in to raise both of us.
1:27
Yet so far they haven't got so bonded. Both are rather bit jealous of each other. Yet both sooner or later tease each other and seek each other.
Ok! I have been so so occupied even this one hour of our meet for Blue was suddenly barking and he hardly does it. Then I noticed two guys cleaning the front yard. I had heard somebody puking some time back. Maybe they were cleaning it up. For some time I even got scared imagining stories say what if they are but criminal stealing things or clearing off signs of crime and stuff. Ha ha!
1:38
'Roll roll roll and clean my soul'
Am listening to 'Doors' today! Also liking it. It also has a lot of Harmonica used which is really appreciable.
This room had got so so warm in evening when Blue skywere sleeping here. Blue just now left I don't know where.
I am feeling hungry. Maybe if I go out I will get somewhere something. But I got down just today. Hardly have any strength to make such a venture. Though in evwning it seemed for of a task. Right now it feels fine. But carrying Sky in this cold all around when he is sleeping so peacefully is what I mind. When I go to my friends' place anywhere I know then that he will be cosy after teaching. That was the main guilt even in Vatika last night that I was keeping both of them out of their home and comfort till that late out in cold for my own interest. So I had returned back on time.
1:44
Alright my love. Will catch you later. Time is just whooshing by. I hardly talked about so many things that we could have discussed in past 22 meets. Just a week of our meet ups left. And I have just been so much in now that I couldn't discuss any decent ideas but people and my life in now.
It is my birthday on 29th! I haven't planned it at all. I would love to go somewhere I guess. For I would have stayed back here but I hardly have friends even here to be happy along with. And somewhere I don't even wanna go too far for I still wanna meet you somewhere in Manali to retain our meeting place same.
Let's see how it will go!
Lots of love my love.
Mmmuuuah!
***
1 AM, Old Manali
August 15th, 2019.
India!
Happy Independence dear One. You are I. We are one. For there is no other. It's all I. Maybe today a mass level of I got free of a struggle with another I - only outside.
1:01
Probably one 1 was fighting with another one and today they split up for good. Or probably, some slavery got enough of it's serving and tables turned. Or I don't know. For what I notice in India still is that foreigners are treated like gods and Indians until rich or bringing benefit are treated like shit. And all this has nothing to do with foreigners being guests. Either it's money or oftentimes it's still some genetic brainwash where east still keeps west upon it's head. Yet West comes here and learns why to touch feet.
Anyway, for me boundaries of that kind don't exist. For me, it's all same - only different angles or perspectives.
Oh, I have begun my garbage cleaning project from today. It's just online so far. Also it's bit risky for people may take it personally when am gonna give exact locations of such disposals.... Yet I feel that it is essential for only then effective outcome is possible.
1:07
I got fed up of Victor talking about Tuktuk being number 8 and ruled by saturn and being dark and so discarded by society and stuff. I just don't take Tuktuk to be worth a conversation. And here am mentioning him in my blog. Let me cleanse it.
Alright! Prem left this morning and later I saw clothes he had kept messily on a shelf, pot he had left dirty and how he had not bothered about checking with me about the duration of his stay. How everyone just comes and keeps sleeping in my room and makes me less productive. Yet I also remembered his peaceful smile, the peace he brought with his presence, his company, how I could avoid so many places where I was less respected yet was still visiting just to keep on tapping on love or their good side. How he gave me enough of his time to seize this eternal anxiety in me to go somewhere, do something, meet someone. How I became so overly productive suddenly just with his presence and later with his absence. With him that I did things of my passion. Once he left, I could so well focus on also the things that were required to be done.
1:14
Some music filled in my room. I am bored of this playlist. But WiFi isn't as great and I don't have any data right now.
I am about to get down. I can so feel it - the lethargy, over hunger, over thirst, such mood swings. Any hour now. That makes me wonder, how do we fail this point while meeting with others. These hormones. One has no control over them. And we don't realise them in our own bodies. How could we possibly make it out in others. Yet they are such significant properties of anyone behaviour. Say this entire evening, I just wanted what I wanted, immediately wherever I went. Had no patience.
It's only when I got back to my place. Gave me ample of everything that I laid on my bed all relaxed.
Oh! These are solitary moments after two three days. And am enjoying it from late evening.
I enjoy active company where people are involved together doing something. Even sharing silence with few vibes is enjoyable and empowering because of their energy. And not like I seek people dancing and jumping around all the time. Yet, I like active souls with pure hearts. People who smile more, are empathetic, have love in their souls.
It effects me intensely when someone's intention is corrupted. I saw hint of it in Prem and that's why I wasn't as happy with our meet as I had expected. It was sudden yet the fact that he had come to keep my spirit up was commendable. He wasn't as confident with his presence for there was an ounce of dark intention in him. Last night I hope I triggered the good in him. He anyway nowhere made me angry except the dirty pot part. Instead I only felt this love for world throughout. I wanted him to go all relaxed and content. He had already broken my faith where on first night he promised to go to Mandi's old Shiva temple the next day and later changed it to Bijli Mahadev and then not mentioning it at all. I get people in small instances. Even if I was a bit connected yet I couldn't bring myself to act on it for there were so many things in my head. I remembered his friend's energy towards me when he thought I was available. I remembered another guy's intention in the same cafe. I couldn't make out why Prem all of sudden was here spending so much of time with me. He stayed calm and sweet nonetheless. And I love it when he calls me 'bawa'. He's even younger than my brother. And that's another thing that kept me on check. I was confused between soothing a soul with my 100% natural self or meeting within social conduct while using both my heart and head.
Anyway, I guess I hosted him well and he went a better person. He is a good soul anyway.
1:30
Anhan! Here we are. I and the magic.
In the background, 'Let it be'.
I visited Ash and Sun this evening. Was missing them. But came out early - for they had just woken up and still needed time to be oriented. Blue is still not back. Somebody called me to Travelosic directly texting that he's not having food. I went the moment I saw that text. They said he left and checked if I could so another painting. I don't know if they were lieing and rather wanted me to come paint or if Blue was actually there. I now no more go out to find out Blue. Now he knows where I stay and I let him be. Just the thought of him not having food and being somewhere sad made me go there.
1:34
It's also Rakshabandhan today. None of my brothers are here.
Not even a guy whom I could have considered like one. I thought of texting Aehsan 'Happy Rakhi' but a guy asmuch without values can't ever be given that pure a space. But I don't like named relationships. I anyway don't like confining love within nametags.
And blood relations remain blood relations - with or without love.
And love remains love with or without names or definition. I don't know my relation to Blue yet I love him so so much.
That's what I was thinking of this evening. How I chucked out this entire connection to Pole just in an instance when he kicked Blue. How I have quit going to cafes where Blue is not welcome. How I don't caress those dogs who after many attempts of making them understand with love, didn't get friendly with Blue. I mean I don't really know about Blue bit I for sure am loyal to him. And I still don't have a name for our relationship. It's just love. Has no parameters. No rules. No definition. Just that he's mine. I am his. And we are both our individual selves with both shared and private lives. He has his own friends. I have mine. There are common places where we both get good souls. There are places where only he goes or only I go (the other one gets bored). Such a healthy connection know.
1:42
I didn't even realise time passing by so quickly tonight. Am just here on my bed. No blue light tonight. Portico's white light is turned on instead. And windows are half curtained.
It's one night prior to full moon night. I mean Google said 15th night. I don't know if it is tonight or tomorrow. I did get to see the moon this evening though. Beautiful. Bit shy. Right in the middle of rain filled clouds.
1:44
Number 9. Lucky number. Spiritual number. Probably I will upload all my art pics online tonight. Probably I'll go and visit Ash and Sun first. Of I don't know. Let's see where the flow takes me.
1:46
Alright my love! Lots of love!
Be happy! Be free. Keep evolving. Keep learning.
Mmmuuuaaah!
Tight hug!
Number 11.
***
1 AM
16th August, 19.
Old Manali.
Dear one, I wish to transcend right now to Arabian world or fairy world, basically the world of stories.
1:01
'perhaps, perhaps, perhaps'
Oh! I found Blue at my friends' place last night. Am glad I went to catch up. We jammed till morning and I came back to give Blue a wash, food, new leash, pass out and evening that I was back at their place. I love their vibes. Have named Sun as Laddu today for he keeps mentioning them. Ash looked quite nice in white shirt. I love white shirts on guys.
Oh! Later Blue just didn't come back along with me and am glad he didn't for on my way were those dogs who usually fight with him. Blue is getting stronger with love. He now fights back for himself on random attacks. Usually he is quite and bitches just adore him everywhere. My Blue. He is getting more and more handsome. Oh! I gave himva second leash at Sanju's shop. The first one was macrame neck piece with a tiny Bell in it. The second one was made out of jute rope. I tried that material for the first time this evening and the result seemed decent to me. For cream rope showed quite well upon him. I love him.
We again lost each other as evening took it's course. We even went to meet with Ludo who was bit by a crazy dog recently. I have been in this fear for Blue. I don't wanna lose him. People here simply mass poison street dogs when they get scared. I don't want Blue to face what Chill did. I won't be able to forgive myself for letting him be as free as I let him be
But I also feel that he is mature enough to know his good and bad. If Chill was core purity who had not really seen outside world but my pamper and love of everyone... Blue had battled throughout. He has been tough despite of so much of banishment. and I love to see him flourishing gradually. He has such nice hair that even humans will get jealous. And that hint of dreads just upon his ass. My favourite is that white heart or an angel right below his neck.
1:11
After so long!
'karte hain hum aaj kabool kya kijiye'.
I feel am also getting better in music may it be vocals or guitar - but at a very subtle level
I do give my best to learn. Not best though for I don't practice back in my room - which probably is essential.
Both Ash and Sun are such amazing humans and musicians to learn along with. If Aehsan and PK took me on high notes, the shrill voice, the dark side... These two teach me the softness of music, the waves, slow moed version of raagas.
If the first lessons were head voice, these are from stomach. Both touch heart none the less for they are but different shades. I am more at peace with the recent ones. They are pure, emotional, less complaining, more in feeling.
1:15
I finally got my phone recharged. Also got some basic grocery items that I needed for a long time.
1:16
Moon will come on 19th. Probably. He seems so distant presently. As if an image or an idea that I carried for a long time in my heart but was not really true.
1:17
I also went to meet Prem at Milange late evening. Mota bjai was also there. We had some fun conversation. It was nice if not great. Good change.
I guess, prior to showcasing my artwork, I gotta be really hasty with that dog shelter thing. Else, innocent dogs may lose their life.
And sooner I take any steps, the better it will be.
Ash had made pulao last night and I loved having home made food after such a long time. Even if I am not at all into rice. But I thoroughly enjoyed it, don't know why.
1:20
'anhad naad bajao ji sab mil'.
1:21
Bit sleepy already. I don't even have stuff with me tonight.
1:22
'Teri banke Jiyun, teri ho ke marun'
Imagine a sea side, you and I walking, singing, chilling - side by side. Compatibility is rare know. If you are I thencwe have done ig so many times. Mild music inside soul, waltzing feet, singing waves, sparkling silver.
I just hallucinated in thin air. My eyes got closed for few micro seconds and I opened them to trip on a guy's shadow dancing. There is none though.
I bought two black gel pens as well tonight. I love to doodle with them. Sketching is so precise then.
1:30
'let the sky fall'
I love this song.
Miss Bangalore in the moment. This month is hugely connected to it for both Ashika and I share our birthdays.
It's the first time I was away from home on Rakhi. Even when I used to stay in campus that I had gone to my place. Though Bhai and I had some fight and that was the only time I couldn't tie him a Rakhi. It is my mistake as well. I should have sent rakhis if I wasn't going. Mama and momsha did call. I had already texted both Jatin and Karan last night itself. I feel these traditions remain futile without intention and as much love.
1:34
Silence!
'society, you crazy breed'.
I danced for a teeny veeny tune in Sunshine during my short visit. Oh a shopkeeper managed to fool me again today. I don't know why people have become so so dishonest here in old Manali. Victor says it is Kalyuga and only materialistic people can thrive in it. That for spiritual journey, this time is really hard. I guess, harder the better. For the lessons are better and deeper.
I miss home and daily a bit today. Though I get lonely there. Yet, I have some attachment to it.
1:37
Number 11.
Oh! Papa also texted today. We exchanged each others' pictures as well. Hope I could give him some happiness. He didn't reply though. You can never be sure in case of parents. They can take any thing in any way. Plus, they have a right to do it.
1:39
'what a wonderful world'.
It's a very soothing song.
Everytime anyone is passing by this lane, I get scared. I so so wish to have peanut butter with jam right now in my mouth. These hormones know - they just know how to create cravings.
1:41
'I hate you, I love you'
Probably the most connection or maybe every complicated relationship.
I deal life like that. Instantly I get attached and just like that I get detached as well.
1:42
Anhan! Probabyl I half slept throughout our meet. Maybe I need sleep. I am such a dumb person. I bought everything but surf excel that I needed the most. All my clothes are dirty. They so need a wash. And I so need new clothes. I don't know what for. Am just bored of the ones that I have. Why wasn't I better prepared? But I had no idea about the duration of my stay over here. Nonetheless, whenever is the right time.
1:45
Alright my love! Good night. It is a full moon night. Though all clouded. Yet the energy matters. It remains. Love you. A warm embrace. A wet kiss right upon your forehead and lips. If they exist.
Bye bye! See ya tomorrow! Mmmuuuaaah!
***
1 AM,
Old Manali.
August 17,19.
It is Pole's birthday. I have not wished him as yet though. I wanted to but I feel, wishing him would be kind of ditching Blue for he had kicked him. So I won't even talk to him until he gonna approach me on his own and gonna be compassionate or respectful to dogs if not in love.
I have a chance to go to Triloknath in Lahaul with Prana. Most probably I'm gonna go for it's a day's trip but am bit lazy about it for one Prana is bit boring to be with and another I am about to go down so have like absolutely no strength for spontaneous trips. I love spontaneity none the less and it is quite exciting to even think of stepping out of old Manali that too with comfort of a car.. but there's always a No available with sudden things. Majorly it is because of things gone wrong with Prana few months ago and I don't want a BT. Won't even be having stuff for the way. But Triloknath has Shiva's temple and this entire saavan I craved to visit atleast one place with recognised Shiva vibe though I feel Shiv is everywhere, so is Shakti.
Still there are places and people way ancient and with powerful vibe. Also, Dokc told me that the place is way beautiful. It is my birth month. I am gonna be getting a gift from cosmos in a way if I go. Let's see. If I do go I would have to prepare overnight and leave by 4. All my clothes are dirty. Rather have damped them in surf water just one hour back. Have literally no tee-shirts or tops left. As such it's a two days' thing. If I really have to go, I can easily go. All on my mood. Being down and going to that auspicious a place would also be not so good for I may attract negative energy. Yet, with right intention nothing amiss can happen. Aah! Why such confusions in my life!
Dokc had called this morning to check if I could keep an abandoned puppy and take care of it. I even went to fetch him but then Dokc wanted to take him to a vet tomorrow. I knew I wouldn't have been able to afford it. So I instead let that puppy stay there. I will pick him once I return from Triloknath.
Blue has now got full independent. He now checks out other places to spend nights and likes to spend time with his own friends. Probably I can take responsibility of another puppy now. It is a huge task for puppies litter a lot. Yet, they are easy to carry and more loved and accepted as compared to small dogs. And anyway, this is one of my dream things - to open a dog shelter. Beginning the work before shelter is actually a positive step towards it.
Oh! Ashi called this evening. It had been such a long time we had had a proper conversation. She is my besti, my love. She is one person I can always count on. She loves me so much and so do I. Her family is like my family. I even call his brother with Anna behind which means elder bro. We share our birthdays and maybe se earlier birth connections. That's why I was missing Bangalore so much. She was a crucial part of missing. She called and told me that she was missing me enough to have tears in her eyes that too in office itself. I sang a song for her that I always dedicate to her,
'see you again'.
1:21
Woah! Time is kind of running today. And just the thought of trip is tiring and exciting at the same time. I wish Ash and Sun were also coming along. I am developing a strange fondness for them. Especially for Ash. He is such a pure soul. So empathetic. So innocent and emotional. Plus all one feels beside him is peace.
1:23
A bit sleepy. Had a lot of food today but what I really need is tasty juices or liquid delicacies.
I gotta bring this workshop to reality anyhow. It is important both for my survival and respect both outside and inside. Both in society and in family.
1:27
I almost had a power nap.
I even visited Prem today. It wasn't for a very long time but I wanted to so I did. Though he again promised something today and latex forgot about it or intentionally didn't go for it. But it's a minus one from his good deeds! :P
1:30
Oh! I have finally created a seperate Gmail and wordpress account for dog shelter. Customizimg part is still left. So is clicking pics, type and upload content. Writing new articles on themes that I have already listed!
1:36
I am soooo sleepy that am passing out after time-check!
1:42
Alright my love. See you tomorrow.
1:45
I could pass out even in the middle of previous line. So so sleepy. That too out of all the nights, it's today where am as sleepy when staying awake is so essential.
I so need a bath now. Love you dear one. Good night. Mmmuuuah!
***
1 AM, Old Manali!
Aug 18, 2019
Dear One! Such a beautiful moment. Am with my friends in their room - Ash, Sun and their friend. We are celebrating 'my birthday' - I don't know why, but it feels special and am happy!
Forgive my grammar today but so liking it - this writing freely. Just being free.
Oh! I had forgotten to mention my most special moments in our last meet and also today - my morning meets with Anmol - the neighborhood kid. He is just so special. Cutie pie. He wakes me up every morning with so much of love and adoration and then plays a lot and does all kinds of theatre all around me with all his innocence and divine beauty. Oh! He is both an angel and a devil. So cute. So full of clever words.
He paints then destroys. Suddenly pees down from my portico to make me lose my mind. He annoys me. He brings the best side in me. Such a kid with such a voice.
Right now it's raining. Infact it has been raining continuously from last night. That's why going out today made no sense. But I have been mostly here with my friends. I love their vibe.
Oh! I didn't go to Triloknath. Prana did ask in morning but I just didn't feel like. And I didn't even want to change the Manali vibe for this is where we meet. Also I feel, if Shiva is everywhere then I don't necessarily need to go to Hadimba or Shiva temple. I have both in me.
This trip was dedicated to attaining the Rudra or Kaali inside. Along with that I realised also my Gauri side.
1:08
Feels different - meeting with you in a new zone. Yet it is pleasent. Full of lovely vibes. Happy energy.
Oh! I did text wished Dhruva for his birthday. I thought I should not lose my nature if he doesn't leave his. I didn't personally go for you never know with him - he can be really rude in his dark side.
Right now, am quite cosy and warm - vibe wise. I got to know just today that Ash and Sun are way elder than what I assumed them to be. I was taking them to be quite young. They are mature as well as sorted.
1:11
Anhan! Magical! I agree.
In the background 'positivity ka zariya.... Har solution andar hi...'
1:12
Ok! Now am sitting back with them. Good music. Positive words around.
Numerology being discussed around.
1:14
Am just happy! In bliss. Being accepted and valued is essential for humans I guess. That keeps them sane and happy.
Maybe it is all in mind. If there are no others. If it is all I. If it's the same like a DMT trip -where all people or situations around are but imagination. Just constructs of mind. And it changes the moment you decide to change it. If you decide you don't have to take a BT, it won't come. Or even if it does, it may be difficult to face the first time. Yet once you learn how to overpower it, the duration of BT will reduce with time to a phase where it will be but a blink or swish away. Or maybe a phase comes where it won't be able to touch my zone as well. Who knows!
1:18
Tiny figments of laughter.
Ok! Am out in the garden now. It is but shaded place right outside room. The garden is in front with a dancing rain upon it.
Opposite to me is Travelosic - Baloo's connection. He's in Benaras now.
It's strange how on mountains, all you think about or live in - is your immediate reality. The people around, what's happening around. Phone usage minimizes. I often times fail to connect to normal things of city... Life is so simple here and beautiful. You create, connect, celebrate basic essentials and just live respecting every moment. Atleast I do, with all my love and receptive soul for learning.
A guy passing by on this floor. He seems familiar. He's similar to a guy I had spent some time with in Anshika. Maybe he is the same. But his dreads were longer.
Today Ash and Sun didn't go for any gig and I could spend more time with them. They are in a way my teachers, and these days they have all my focus and energy.
I have got quite connected to them. Though am also scared a bit thinking of the patterns in my life and how much do I get attached and how much that I get hurt later. In terms of music I guess they are way inspiring and such humble guides. In terms of familiarity they feel just my own - old connections. They let me be so comfortable and all I feel is love.
Where does so much rain come from. It just doesn't stop, yet doesn't stay. It's all flowing here on hills - the water, the time, the wind. It's all changing - our perspectives, our thoughts, acts, friends, we.
1:27
Time is quite slow today. Maybe I am just eager to be back with them. But this moment is special too. The rain, the vibe, I and you.
Rain itself has it's own music. The pitter patter of rain in the silent trance of night with frequent distant night barks, occasional signs of life. Rest all is but blanketed by the sound of flow!
I don't know why I fail to let anybody come as close to be as Moon after him. I just keep so many layers and tests in between. And yet often that I get hurt by not receiving the same type or amount of love that I give.
One should never take a BT.
Rather not give anyone chance to give us a BT.
One should be easy going.
In one's own trip.
I have been trying hard to bring fthat art project alive. But then I get carried by love that I get and love that I give.
I have goosebumps in my legs right now. And I am loving it. Kind of erotic feeling. Recently I watched few good photographs in some Facebook page where these goosebumps on some girl's flat tummy looked just so sensual that I could appreciate an new side of nature.
1:34
Should I go in? Probably yes! For now there's a yellow light lit in the room beside. It's upon a red wall so the color is rely nice. But I need music. Though rain is already musical. I miss them as well. I don't know how they have turned so quite.
Let me enter in. Change the vibe. But I can go for it even after some time. What do you suggest. Probably stay here for a bit more and than share them with those loved ones.
I should be thankful to cosmos for making me meet with them. I really respect and admire them.
Ha ha! I feel like Blue right now, sitting outside their room, just because I love their vibe. Though I am out for I wish to. Actually same for Blue - for they are mentioning and missing him more than I am. I have now come to terms with it - that he's now grown up and wants to live on his own. I will welcome him whenever he's gonna come. But I won't anymore make a fuss out of him. I would rather let him be - like how I have always liked for my own upbringing.
Have a little bit of pain in my neck and back - wearing this stupid brasserie after a long time. I just hate such tight clothes. Why were they ever invented and then even made so essential in women's life. I don't generally wear any such stupid shit. Just sometimes, when I feel over transparent in my life that I try to seal or cover basics - even that suffocates me - so free is my soul.
1:41
Let's go inside. Ha ha! So eager know. Let's just go!
Alright my love! Good conversation. Catch you tomorrow.
So much of love
So much of freedom
Good intellect
Love!!!
Mmmuuuah!!!
***
1 AM, Old Manali
Aug 19, 2019
Dearie One! It has been such a special day! I got a chance to go to both Hidimba temple and Siali Mahadev. I got like perfect sync between yin and yang, or that's what I prayed for.
Right now am at my friends' place. Have just come here. And am laughing immediately for such are the vibes like.
Now am outside. Happy to see Blue waiting for me over here.
Oh! I have got a new puppy. He is so so small. Hardly a month old. Maybe now Blue is bit insecure and that's why insisting upon entering in and being with me. Anyway, I had not let him enter inside my room for he had returned back so so dirty this morning and I wanted to teach him a little bit of obedience after him ditching me the last time. For he leaves me anytime he likes and goes for any bitch or game and doesn't even listen to me. Not like I wanna keep him tied all the time but the rare times I ask him to do something he has to listen to me. I do respect his freedom but can't just let him return back all muddy and dirty and bring flies into my room. Also, it is difficult to give him baths every second day. It is not even good for him.
Maybe he is sad now. Maybe he now wishes to switch his caretaker. But we still are connected. I am sure he will understand. It may take some time though.
Oh! The people in my guest house came to their real face today. Mentioned money and disturbed my peace right before dinner talking about the rate of each chapati and all.
Woah! It's raining again. Manali is so so moody and I love it.
Btw, I went to those temples with Prem and later we also explored a new trek on the other side of river. Cottages were so so pretty there and totally untouched. It was all so peaceful. Probably staying there will be a better idea. I will get a decent home. But I don't know for how long that I am gonna sustain. Everything needs money though. As such even now am paying, rather more. Then I gotta plan in advance and handle things accordingly.
Ok! This stupid neighbour has lit a bright light again. Why does he do it everytime that I sit outside. Ok! He has switched it off thankfully.
Blue is right beside, maybe feeling cold. I have bit of a pity and a lot of love for him. I only had driven him outside this morning for he had come back so dirty. Now my friends also didn't let him enter. Why can't I get tough with him. I just love him way too much.
Everyone knows him now. No matter am with him or not, kids, people on street randomly call him - Blue. I love the fact that he is so loved and accepted now.
1:15
Time to go back inside.
Ash is taking out the puppy's ticks. So sweet of him. I just love his vibe. And also love to sleep beside him. For he smiles every time we wake up in between only to pass out again. And here is Sun with his amazing humour. He keeps it all alive. Makes me laugh all the time. They way Sun teaches me to sing is also appreciable - so much with patience, so much of dedication.
1:22
Sun is back with his stories. And Ash is back with his music. And I am still laughing, vibing. Blue is outside and am missing him.
And the puppy is inside, I still gotta name him.
Now Blue is inside. Am happy. All my loved ones are here. Oh I have even gelled with Baba - my friends' friend. He is also a good guy. We are all tripping on Blue and puppy.
Laughing, making stories on them.
And Ash is randomly calling the puppy 'Arjun'. It sounded nice. I still would love to give him a name on my own.
The puppy is pulling Blue's beard. Lol! It's such a lovely vibe. Roaming outside. We are all happy! So much of love in the room.
1:28
It had been a great and perfect day. Though I didn't do anything in my projects. But I am still content. Last entire night we partied insanely and I had passed out over here itself. Morning was so peaceful and happy. I went all smiling.
Even now am smiling. They are all just making stories on the dogs. And they are damn funny.
Oh! Prem had visited for a bit at night. His vibe is also quite peaceful.
I don't know how some people just became so significant in my life in this trip initially and then vanished with the wind. I don't know how they have become so special to me - people in my now.
This is a special day. I had got Chill while coming back from Kullu diwali fest two years back. I have found this puppy today again after getting purified - that too in two temples. He is indeed a blessing. And oh so pom-pom like. Fluffy. Cute!
1:35
Here comes a story on pom pom for I just suggested this name for the puppy. They are totally engaged in them and I love this vibe. So full of love and amusement. Each is in now including the dogs who are playing. Why don't people let dogs into their lives. Humanity will return to the world and each will retain the soft flame inside their souls.
I was so determined to visit Hidimba today that I simply went in a single dress without my phone in drizzle, despite of puddles with Blue. Later Prem luckily joined and entire excursion became a magical adventure.
Oh! There was a moment where in order to protect Blue from some rowdie street dogs I had a large stick in one hand and a found feather in other and one of the dogs (confused between barking at Blue or getting s Ares of my tell and stick) just looked at the feather in my other hand and we exchanged a look and he went quite. I don't know if he understood my vibe or found me silly of got scared. But I loved that version of mine. Like Gauri and Kaali together. One side full of love, another ready to fight to protect.
1:44
I loved to see so many dogs in Dhungri. Even inside Hidimba temple there were so many puppies and a beautiful white healthy dog all full of love.
There were so many healthy dogs in the entire village coexisting with life over there.
Wow! Just wow! Wish old Manali had that much of love for dogs left in them.
I am glad I have taken this responsibility of this puppy. I feel lucky! And it is for sure a step ahead in my street dog shelter project. I don't know how am gonna pay my expenses. I know if will all get sorted. I just know am right with what am doing. I wish I be good at it. This puppy is so so small. Hardly a month old. It is life after all. I felt a bit guilty after giving him a bath today. For he was shivering and I had no dryer to blow his shiver off.
I wish to do so much for so many . If only I had enough resources. I will have. Else this wish wouldn't have been so prominent in me.
1:49
Alright my love! Will catch you tomorrow. Love you. A lot. A lot. Still laughing. Still in love.
Mmmmmmuuuuahhhh
***
1 AM, Old Manali
August 20, 19
Dear One! Such a blissful moment. We are all synced. My favourite people right beside me in my room. Along with the teeny veeny puppy - Pom-pom toofani/ Sky/ Boyca... Also Dokc told me that he may get a home and family in a weak from now. I felt a bit sad for I had accepted him to be mine with all my soul. I don't know how I was so confident this time.
Right now the room is filled with blue night light, shadow of portico's white light, lovely soulful live music, Ash, Sun, Tiny Blue, I and a colorful butterfly. Ofcourse also lot many flying ticks but I would rather not include them.
They came to meet me for they had unintentionally hurt me this evening. I feel special. They are good humans. Such kind souls. I did get to see a glimpse of the other side though in evening... But I will take care of what I felt. Will avoid my overstay there.
Yet, we just sync. I feel like being with them all the time. I had felt the same with Aehsan and Neil and later had found myself in a really dark zone. With Sun and Ash it is always colorful, positive and happy.
1:06
Oh!! I met with Victor some time back. I was bit rude to him for I wasn't able to handle his humour at that time. He keeps cracking random girl boy jokes. Today he fake called his wife and called me his girlfriend and though he appreciated me there and commented on I becoming Momma of two dogs,Yet I just couldn't help but be rude to his unnecessary words. Come on, he is 75. And I really respect him for his free spirit and art.
1:11
Magical moment.
I am laughing along with them and I don't know how that ounce of hurt diluted. They are just old soul connections. So mine, so comfortable to be along with. Just love, sensibility, peace, piousness, happiness.
1:15
I am singing along. Badly though. My voice only doesn't come out at such low pitch.
1:16
'Laiyan laiyan'
Beautiful. Perfect vibes! How does it all become so so magical when we are all together? Though today Baba and Blue are missing. Still, our Bermuda actually creates a star somehow.
1:18
'ek din aap Yun hum Ko mil jayenge'
Atif in the house!
1:19
Eyes closed. Totally in the vibe. So much connected. Wow!
I wanna sing 'soniyo'.
'barsaat bhi AA kar Chali gyi,
Baadal bhi garaj ke Baras Gye...'
Miss Moon.
I saw Moon as well after a long time - I mean that clear and that diamond like.
'in Dino Dil mera'
1:25
I am a bit cold tonight. Maybe because am lying right opposite to the door and wind is quite smart. She steals through door sill.
Ash is singing a new song. His voice epitomizes peace. And Sun brings perfect waves and variations.
I am cold.
But it feels cosy still - for I have such lovely vibes full of love.
I still haven't culminated fasting. Been 27 hours. Will probably have Maggie.
I wouldn't have visited them for sure tonight. They came that's why. And I just can't get over it. Why am I such a child? So so emotional. Blue too is like me - over emotional. That's why I try to take care of his sentiments.
1:31
I gave both Blue and Sky a bath this morning. It rained heavily till evening. So eager was I to meet them that I took Blue sky even in rain. Oh! But we all had an interesting night and such special morning till noon.
1:34
Tab fir Mr. One, if you are the one than it is all perfect and happening exactly how it's supposed to be.
1:35
'You and I in this beautiful world'
'Kiss me, close your eyes'
We are all laughing and smiling while singing these jingles.
1:37
Number 11.
1:39
'kya hua jo laari chooti'
1:40
It seems like a text antakshari to me today. Yet am loving it.
So much of love. And finally some live music in my room.
1:41
Laughter again.
Some good notes.
Good vibes. Happy energy.
Love. Peace. Life.
I would have been passionate with you on such a monsoon night dear One. I would have found comfort in your warmth.
I would have laughed along with you on bed.
Love you. Dearest One.
Magical.
***
1 AM, Old Manali.
Aug 21, 2019
Dearest One. How are you? I had a crazy day! Made an amazing sandwich at Milange. Had peaceful time with both Sky and Prem.
Also took Sky for a tiny trek where I found Blue and we all went to Vatika - where I danced insanely, also tripped for a long time. I wanted to stay there though. I came back - majorly because was missing them - my friends. Here I am in their room. Ash and Sun.
Oh! I got crazy intense vibes tonight over there. Both good and bad. Dark and white. Last time I had made a painting over there. Today it seemed so trippy to dance beside.
It's just cosy here. I could catch on power nap atleast.
1:11
Magic time.
And we are all laughing again.
I liked my entire day except one part where someone took out his own inner frustration on me socially that too in that sick a way and that too in front of his daughter. What a shitty side to show to your own child. How uncivil a behaviour. I pity Kinjal now. Or maybe she deserves a guy like him. Don't wanna be negative here. But seriously how immature a mind.
Rest entire day was just magical. I didn't even realise how it flowed on and carried me in its sway.
Vatika was simply trippy. And on my hike back I saw a beautiful beautiful moon. I wished for more of peaceful time there.
But I loved the time that I had.
I came back for I wanted Blue to be calm and I was really really missing them.
1:22
I have Dairy milk in my mouth right now. I am drowned in this choco-blast. In the moment where Love and cosiness is there. This moment where old soul connections are there.
Love, purity, care, shared laughter.
1:25
Am quite tired today. I don't know why. Maybe because I haven't been having full sleep. This teenie sky me up after two or three hours itself.
I hope Blue and Sky become inseparable soon. We gonna be our own star.
Oh I think I saw Taurus constellation along with numerous other stars in that one magical moment while dancing in Vatika.
I am still so sleepy. Yet wanna be with them as well. Am cosy in bed.
It was good to go to Vatika though. Totally transcending. Transcendental. Took me to another world.
Right now guitars in air. Yet a damp smell is also there.
I love these vibes. I love to come back to them. It feels more home.
1:38
I need a bath. I also crave to have something over tasty. Like hot choco or banana shake.
1:39
Dear One, you for sure are magical. For all the time it keeps coming back to my mind that there are no others.it's just I. It's all the mind. Figments of imagination.
1:41 alright my love. Will catch you tomorrow. A tight hug.
Lots of love.
,***
1 AM, Old Manali
August 22,19
Dear One. I am in my room tonight. This is a crazy yet cosy moment for Blue and Sky are both here with me. Though Blue is getting flip between staying inside for my love or getting jealous or annoyed of Sky's ticks and bit aggressive behaviour.
I have now left the door open. For Blue is suddenly wanting love and attention and then he is showing his reaction with sudden smacks or exits. Alright. And Sky too wants to follow him everywhere. So yeah! Have left it open for a bit - to let them do whatever they want. I am a bit sick today. Have got cough.
1:03
Also that am hungry. Don't know why people in my guest house just closed the kitchen so early. I didn't get a chance to go to the market as well for Blue Sky were sleeping in evening and I neither wanted to lock them inside nor take their comfort from them.
It was such a blissful moment for Blue had entered inside room after three nights and was also comfortable. He is flip. I love it when he plays along with Sky and accepts him. Yet I don't want him to feel suddenly replaced. I don't want him to feel what I went through.
Alright! Now they are both inside. They are having curd. I fed them with all that was there in the room. Only little bit of curd is left now. Sky is quite young.. he needs small portions of frequent diets. So I have saved some curd for him. I wish I had kept more. Everyday when I was saving decent meals for Blue he didn't come. Just today when even the kitchen got closed and I had limited amenities that both are here. But I hope they are decently fed.
Ok! I have shown blue another entry and exit - from the window. This way Sky won't run out everytime and Blue can make as many entries and exits. He is so small - sky. All I feel like doing is cuddling him. These days most of my time passes in taking care of them.
I have got cold and cough suddenly. And I have been making Kaada for friends around all this while, now I have cold. How ironical. Probably I caught it from someone or probably it is because I was in but shorts and a tee-shirt last entire evening till night in Vatika.
1:20
I wish someone comes with good energy, good stuff and something tasty to eat. I wish someone close visits with pure heart and without judgements. I don't know how I have lost touch with all my arts. And not like am doing much about my projects as well. I give most of my time to Sky Blue or I go to my friends' room and either jam or pass out for then I get relieved that both Blue and Sky are taken care of and I pass out peacefully.
Oh! I get to connect so much to both of them with my own self and my brother. Also, I much better understand Momsha and all the efforts she put in to raise both of us.
1:27
Yet so far they haven't got so bonded. Both are rather bit jealous of each other. Yet both sooner or later tease each other and seek each other.
Ok! I have been so so occupied even this one hour of our meet for Blue was suddenly barking and he hardly does it. Then I noticed two guys cleaning the front yard. I had heard somebody puking some time back. Maybe they were cleaning it up. For some time I even got scared imagining stories say what if they are but criminal stealing things or clearing off signs of crime and stuff. Ha ha!
1:38
'Roll roll roll and clean my soul'
Am listening to 'Doors' today! Also liking it. It also has a lot of Harmonica used which is really appreciable.
This room had got so so warm in evening when Blue skywere sleeping here. Blue just now left I don't know where.
I am feeling hungry. Maybe if I go out I will get somewhere something. But I got down just today. Hardly have any strength to make such a venture. Though in evwning it seemed for of a task. Right now it feels fine. But carrying Sky in this cold all around when he is sleeping so peacefully is what I mind. When I go to my friends' place anywhere I know then that he will be cosy after teaching. That was the main guilt even in Vatika last night that I was keeping both of them out of their home and comfort till that late out in cold for my own interest. So I had returned back on time.
1:44
Alright my love. Will catch you later. Time is just whooshing by. I hardly talked about so many things that we could have discussed in past 22 meets. Just a week of our meet ups left. And I have just been so much in now that I couldn't discuss any decent ideas but people and my life in now.
It is my birthday on 29th! I haven't planned it at all. I would love to go somewhere I guess. For I would have stayed back here but I hardly have friends even here to be happy along with. And somewhere I don't even wanna go too far for I still wanna meet you somewhere in Manali to retain our meeting place same.
Let's see how it will go!
Lots of love my love.
Mmmuuuah!
***
1 AM, Old Manali
23rd August
Dearest One! Such a happy moment. All my loved ones are around me. Blue, Sky, Ash and Sun. In my room. Blissful. In gratitude. They came to ensure me my value in their life. Sweet.
1:01
Also, it has been a content day. I stayed in. Cleaned my room. Gave it some new decor. Did grocery shopping so that Blue and Sky don't stay hungry another night, neither do I. Also I cooked for them this night. Though Blue didn't have it as much. But I was satisfied that I made something for them. I also treated them with curd, biscuits, pedigree, milk... They are both sleeping all tucked in and I am really happy about it.
Oh! I went to Travelosic to give Baloo's cafe some shape. It's still the same vibe there - not so welcoming. I don't know why I always feel like that over there. Anyway I made a painting there. Sky kept sleeping. Also I jammed with some few different musicians this evening in German bakery which was quite a treat for my soul.
Right now though is heaven for I have them - Ash and Sun. I still feel I shouldn't let attachment enter in any of these four connections. Yet am overly attached. I miss them when they are not near. Today I had to control myself to not go to Ash and Sun's room for I had felt a bit unwelcome there last evening. That's why they are here - to give me time and explain the cause of their behaviour.
Maybe I presumed. Maybe I was correct. What so ever - they are here - and it feels special. Though I am above it now. But no am totally in it. I loved their effort. Still I feel more at home when I visit them. For they welcome I and my dogs as well. And when we all just laugh and do random creative things together - it feels home. In this room, I feel I fail to give them as much of a comfort. Also am always anxious that they gonna leave. When I am at their place, I know, I can stay for as long as I wish to and I leave only when they seem sleepy to me. That too because they are three. Had they been just the two of them, I would have even slept there itself everyday.
1:11
Probably everything happens for best. The last time I surrendered so much to my emotions, I had to undergo a lot of pain later.
And they too just told me that they gonna leave soon. I am going to miss them.
Right now we sinnging
'Nobody said it was easy' by Coldplay.
I dedicate them
'I am gonna love you
Like I am gonna lose you'
1:16
Why doesn't anybody feel like this for me. There have been many actually but I didn't feel the same for them.
When I feel so for someone, maybe they don't feel the same for me as well.
Was listening to some song in evening where the meaning was
That love has a habit of being one sided. Rare are the love stories which are felt equally passionately by both sides.
1:18
Right now is something new happening. Ash singing with guitar, Sun on percussion. Usually Ash plays, Sun sings. At home they both do a bit of both.
1:19
I was shit sick last night and this morning. Cold, cough, fever, fatigue. Then I made kaada for myself and even made Anmol had it in evening for he too had a badly running nose. I hope I get well soon.
Cutie pie Sky is rolling all over the carpet in his sleep.
1:21
He looks so so cute while sleeping.
I am happy to have Ash here. Just love his vibe.
And Sun is finally awake. I don't like it when he gets busy on Facebook or Instagram. I feel probably he is getting bored. But then ofcourse he has right upon his time. And I anyhow spend so much of time there.
1:23
Series.
Sky is back awake. He is running all over the room. Oh! I have finally created the flyer for the workshop. Ash helped immensely majorly by initiating it. He is quite creative. And the fact that he gave it his thoughts and time itself showed his concern and care. So ya! The flyers are ready from my side. I hope he creates the soft copy soon. Only then that I will be able to paste them all over and get participants for the workshop.
And I feel emotional and sick at the same time. Emotional to have them all here. Sick for the cold is getting worst.
I wish to get better soon.
Also, in evening there was this one phase where Blue Sky slept together so peacefully with love and I felt so so good.
Ok! Sky is out again. Now he is gonna disturb Blue's sleep or probably they both sleep together again like morning. Oh! Yeah! sky kept me awake the entire last night for he wanted to sleep outside with Blue and I didn't want to leave that young a puppy outside. For who knows who takes him away or a dog comes over and bites him. But he was just not ready to sleep inside , not even in my lap. And Blue didn't want him to sleep with him because of his ticks and hyper activity. I was sick and getting flip between them both the entire night. Morning as sun came I just left the door open and passed out dead. When I woke up in afternoon, they were both sleeping peacefully together outside and got up all hungry. I felt such love and adoration for them and felt guilty for keeping them hungry for so long.
1:33
Hence the day was entirely dedicated to them. Their food.
I felt proud of their patience - none left. Rather both waited for me to get up and feed them without them tied or given in ample at any time. These dogs are way better than humans. They stay hooked to their love and intensity despite of benefits or none. Though street souls remain on their basic I feel. Say if someone will offer them chicken and I will have but bread for them, then they ofcourse would go for chicken and won't listen to me for that moment. They are quite primitive that way. Aehsan was the same. Blue seems better than him to me sometimes for he has stayed hungry alongside me just for the sake of love rather than abandoning me for his own self. But then, Blue in many ways seems more like human to me. Most importantly because of his emotional quotient. The way he gets jealous and reacts. Oh yeah! Last night out of his jealousy he went on terrace and literally plucked out all the cotton out of a cushion.
Morning he did it again. Also he got a toilet cleaner brush for his own tooth brush. Also he upturned all the dustbins around. The manager of the guest house complained about it. Also my neighi - the fake musician and hardcore business guy beside fought with me because Sky had peed there. He is a month old. How dirty can his pee be? Why are people so intolerant?
1:42
'simple cheezein bhi kabhi kabhi achchi lagti hain', says Sun.
Sky is back trekking upon Blue's head.
Both are awake now.
1:43
I like it how Ash stays in his own trip of mild music. Even if he is the only one playing. Though I love it when they both sing full power with their souls at better pitches.
Yet, this feels core love - the mildest versions of pitches. It is so difficult for me. My voice only doesn't come out. :P
1:45
Quarter to two.
Ha ha! Just wanted to say it.
Oh! I have got a full power picture of Sky's paw in my hand. I will use it as a logo in my dog shelter blog.
Alright my love. So wanna jam with these two for now.
Love you a lot
Thanks for being so beautiful and full of love. Though today I wish to be have rum or something for I have cold. Or I wanna be high on something I don't know why.
Don't want them to go.
Off I go. Catch you tomorrow.
Love! Mmmmmmuuuuahhhh!
***
1 AM, Old Manali
August 24th, 19
Dear One, right now am in my room. It is a comfortable moment. Ash is also there with me. And we have been working on the flyer for that art workshop. It's weird how despite of doing something together or nothing, you just sync with certain vibes. I kind of connect with him.
Oh I gotta come out of this Web of illusion. Now I have lost the track of the thought bubble. Bit sleepy tonight. Haven't slept for two days. Oh, we all went for a full power hike this morning. Alllll of us. Ash,Sun, I, Blue, Sky, Kaajal (Blue's friend) and peach - her son. We all simply got nature's gift early morning just because we stepped outside together.
Oh! The morning was heavenly. Though later on my day got fucked for my neighbour here that stupid Nitin fought with me because Sky had dirtied his footmat. I told him I would clean but maybe he just wanted to fight. Also later that I was handed over Huge amount of bill.
Would you believe it? Al lI had was chapaatees and curd in past 15 days here with tea and I gotta pay 4 k just for them. I should have dived over Pizzas and burgers everyday I guess. How come anybody be such a burgaler.
Anyway, I know, I gotta be a - have forgotten what! Sleepy!!! Am waking up suddenly with laughter in between figments of power naps during this meet of ours. Ash must be considering me crazy.
I loved his dedication. More than that I am just happy that he is here. I stayed more sorted in my head and heart.
Oh! Morning had taken us to few of my favorites spots. We clicked few pics as well.
Oh! Sky is bit sick today. Or maybe his tummy is clearing off. I took him to so many places. Maybe he ate something wrong. Or maybe he ate something good to cleanse his system.
1:16
So yeah! This workshop better work. I don't know how and if but it would.
Also the dog blog and shelter.
Also the art centre.
And my nursery.
And cafe and guest house.
And garbage cleansing.
All are bound to happen.
They will. I gotta stay strong and have faith.
I will manifest it all with love, strength and inner call.
Haven't sketched or even written in a long time now. Maybe Moon is here in old Manali, maybe he is not. I shouldn't think of him. When did they enter into my life should and shouldn't? However!
Alright! I gotta earn soon or manage contacts to be able to retain land just to be free.
Now I know why humans created the concept of self imprisoning walls. To be free inside the walls.
How ironical.
1:23
Series again. Sweet. I feel cosy along with him. I don't know what connection it is but it's strong.
Alright!
"Shotu shaa break"
Abhi ayi.
1:31
Caught ya!
Magic 3 between two ones.
The happy Bermuda.
Oh! I found a strange creature in my room this morning. It looked and sounded like a frog but had transparent wings with wire like nerves running in them. It seemed more of a gadget. For past few days I have been observing crazy random insrfts, bugs and creatures around me. Can also be because of monsoon season, dark energy or just!
Ha ha ha! How do I get such funny snap-dreams?
Oh! Anmol had also dropped by. I had no patience with him today. I went to drop him back to his home without hid mom calling him for the first time.
Right now 'Susheela Raman' in background!
'Meera ke prabhu Girdhar'
1:40
I am really sleepy. In a state of dream. Also that reality is as beautiful as a dream. Good vibes. Love. Happines.
I wish to I don't know.
'Titli' in the background. I played it on my own.
Don't know why! That's the only song that I saw and felt like playing.
So many dreams. So much of darkness. So many Colors. So much of white.
Love you dear One.
1:44
I gotta be really crazy to be writing this blog. Yet have managed to do it even tonight is what still doesn't surprise me.
Do you know you are the only with whom I had been so fucking regular out of all of my similar genres. Not even a single night missed so far.
My birthday is nearby. I will make it special for myself.
Bye my love. I just wanna sleep now.
Love you.
Mmmmuuuaah
***
1:03
August ₹
25th,19
Dear love, it'z a magical moment.
I'm on cloud zenith.
Hppy.
In my friends' room.
Too taken by the moment
Too much into three moment.
Full of sensations and moments.
Hihj! Need. Break..
M back. With a monologue dedicated randomly.
Am high.
Also trippy. Have just returned from Milange. Blue and Ash are right alongside. It is getting a bit difficult to type. I can hardly see straight.
1:20...
Random crazy conversation. Trippy too - the vibe.
It is indeed a challenge to write today. So much energy I have and soo tempting is the challenge
Ash, Sun and babu are playing. Am more or less sloshed on their bed. Yet a lovely moment.
And am gradually getting more and more awake.
Also more and mtaacro amx
1 : 31
Woah! Caught you. Despite of the obstructions in between.
This his the moment is love n Ko
Having black tea with biscuits.
It's raining. Such a romantic song .
And oh! What vibes!
Dairy milk in my mouth.
Eyes hardly open.
Chilling.
In love with the moment.
Alright love. Good night.
It is 2:13
Maybe I passed out in between. But love you. Thanks for such a beautiful and fulfilling day.
Love you.
Good night.
Muaaah!
***
1 AM, Old Manali
August 26, 19
Dear One. Love you. Right now am just done with a lot of work. In my room. Blue Sky are alongside. Wait. Let me just do the finishing bit - say - play music, stir my coffee, light J and am sorted.
Alright. Have even sprayed an air freshener. Am sitting quite spread on bed. Entire day was pre occupied with self proclaimed work. Also since Sky is quite young he keeps pooping everywhere. Sometimes I wonder why did I take responsibility of two dogs when I never wanted a family. But I love them way too much. Plus they make me responsible. Else I skip my own meals as well. Atleast while feeding them, I take care of my own food as well. Also they help me maintain self respect. I no more go to places where am not welcome just for the sake of company. For I have my own company all the time. They stay with me no matter what. It does take away a little of my freedom. I the longer run I don't know. It seems difficult to imagine travelling with them all around for not everyone is that friendly with animals. Many are scared of dogs as well. So I don't know how I will manage.
But yeah! When I had lost Chill, I had decided to never leave a responsibility next time.
I miss home today. Don't know why! Miss Delhi. My bed. Momsha's hug. Miss trasing Chi. Miss Papa's rare smile. I miss my own people. Even their scolding. I feel alone.
I have always been a solo traveller. Yet I have always craved for good company. I miss having my own people here. That feeling of abandonment is just not leaving me. I don't know why am unable to go free about myself this time.
I haven't loved a single person wholely this whole trip. There have always been some kind of layers. I either judged or expected.
Oh! Prem left today for an interview. I don't know why I got a bit emotional. He had hosted me so well last night in Milange. Something in his smile and warm reception.
Ash and Sun gonna leave as well. Anyway it doesn't feel the same even there as well.
It is a tourist place where am leaving. Sooner or later people gonna leave. Why does it affect me? Even Dokc is going. He is leaving Old Manali all together.
I feel silly sometimes getting into all these things which doesn't pay me at all.
Cleansing it seems. Garbage here is not my mistake right. Why do I wanna waste my time there? And for how long? At what cost? I miss momsha!
And what if I get tired of this dog shelter? What if it become that bounding factor in my life that I never wanted. Didn't I wish to remain free to travel throughout my life!! Why do I wanna create so many attachments to give or get pain?
And art centre seems quite distant for I am unable to hold even a single workshop on my own. How will a centre shape up.
All these things with such locals who can't see outsiders thriving over here.
I don't know.
And what about resources?
I myself stay on hand to mouth. If I have chosen this life how will I be able to do so much?
It's Monday. Am fasting again. Till tomorrow 12.
I like it - 24 hours of no thoughts of food. For then it doesn't pain me to desire and not get. Then I am convinced that I just can't have it because of my fast.
Om Namah Shivaay!
Om Namah Shivay!
Om Namah Shivaay!
1:24
Having a teeny-veeny headache. Maybe I should talk about better things. Already so less of our meets left! My birthday approaching as well!
I wish to go to Parvati this time. Just an overnight thing. But something full power and with someone with whom I share deep love.
I don't wanna be alone these days. Maybe a phase. Just I seek real emotions and humans all the time now. Don't know why? Maybe because I had got used to Aehsan who was always with me like a leech with his fake devotion. Maybe I just need it for self satisfaction for Moon and Shasha hurt me so bad in Goa.
Maybe it is some rebel again! Where I just wanna form bonds without money, power or position in consideration. Maybe that's why I love dogs all the more for they too until accepted by a family and given a leash - are usually simply shooed away.
I have pain in my neck for past two days. I wish for fingers full of love and healing - to comfort me.
But sleepy.
Let me change this song.
1:31
BTW, caught ya!
Magic 3 between my split sides.
Can I also take a power nap?
No! I won't do like last night!
I have got a very bad cough.
I wish momsha was here. She would have made kaada and given me a cough syrup with brewing turmeric milk. I miss home tonight.
I feel like crying. Why have I got so weak emotionally?
Some romantic song in background.
'Rimjhim kare saawan'
Can't get Ash out of my head. Last time this song got played - he was here.
1:36
I don't like to impose myself on others.
There is a park nearby my home back in Delhi. I miss reading and smoking up there.
Also I miss momsha's food. Last night Prem had endured my favorite 'tamatar alu ki sabzi' that too ghar Jaisi. I loved his gesture.
Blue and Sky are sleeping nearbyvthe door. I haven't left the door open. Neither have I let them sleep outside tonight. Not even Blue for he is flip. In his mood tantrums he goes to dorm room or terrace and then destroys cushions and wooden furniture or footwear.
I hate it when anybody complains things like that. But they are both well fed so they are sleeping peacefully. Or so I hope.
Papon collection in background.
1:40
I didn't even come to know about time passing so hastily today. Still there is some time.
Blue just kept his head upon Sky like a pillow. Awww moment. They have now accepted each other. I love to see them together. I like it how they love each other. I want them to be so bonded that no matter I stay here or not yet they be there for each other emotionally.
I like it when the other gets angry if I mistreat one. All that despite of their possessive behaviour. Oh! Today a neighborhood dog 'Old John' came alongside. It was raining so I fed him and let him be here. Both Blue and Sky got so annoyed. Blue outside and Sky inside kept on fighting with him until he left. Though he too was quite stubborn. He stayed for many hours initially after my protection and later only left when I told him to go for I was scared the guest house people would go boggles after seeing three dogs now with me. If I wanna stay here I must make a home. If I wanna go - don't know why and where.
1:45
Shotuuu break time.
Do you think I should go give my friends a visit. But they don't like it anymore. I being at their place.
And Blue Sky are sleeping. Don't wanna disturb them at this time. Will wake up Blue and caress him back to sleep instead. For he keeps craving for we time. He gets alright if I give him even little of my time exclusively. Else he gets insecure and does crazy things. He is like me. I wonder how momsha must have maintained her love for both Chi and I.
Younger the kid, softer and more love demanding. Elder the kid, more time spent together and that's why deeper the bond and understanding's expectation.
I will make them into inseperable brothers. Yeah! Despite of different mothers. I will give them so much of love that they will have an abundance of it to share.
1:52
Pole just now texted. I had sent him an applause emoticon this evening. He was singing quite well this evening at Tyson. My anger has faded with time. Yet, I have kept it intact - my stand.
Some ego or respect - I don't know.
'To phir aao'
Alright my love! Good night!
Wish could have embraced you. Love! A lot a lot a lot!
Mmmmmuuuuaaah
***
1 AM, Old Manali
Aug 27, 19
Dearest One
1:01
Right now I am in super good vibes. With Sanj and Dokc and a guy called Bhagchand. Lol.
And ofcourse Blue Sky are right alongside. Happy moment.
Oh! I just cooked. Though have not tasted it as yet.
1:03
Dokc has played his jham favourite song 'naayak nahi khalnayak hoon main'.
And I have just come outside.
Now back inside for they are all having food and I wanted it to be a shared meal.
Also it was getting more chaotic outside with so many dogs.
I am just happy that I have cooked tonight.
Let me serve.
I am not much into rice but this is my pet special. I used to make it in Bangalore a lot.
Thank you cosmos for this moment.. let me have the first bite after 25 hours. :P
It is real tasty. A bit Burnt from the base for I had no idea about this cooker or gas. On induction I do better for that is what I have most practiced on. Yet, it is super tasty. And this moment is quite trippy.
1:11
Magic moment. Caught you today. Each is done with dinner but I. Dokc is complaining that I made it too less. I feel guilty also happy for that means it was tasty.
Sanj is playing good music. Romantic.
I have my dinner going on alongside. It is super tasty. I have all the patience. Wish they had sugar. Would have Maalpuye for them.
It feels so good to eat after so long. I didn't even have any juice this day. Oh! I went with Blue Sky uphill on my own till Shiva temple. Also that I made a mud shivalingam upon a piece of white marble. I had so long desired to do it. It felt so special. And I also fed both Blue and Sky with the holy water right out of the well outside that temple.
That's the water I used to make mud clayey. I also applied the same left over mud on my face. Later washed it out of holy water and fresh water fountain.
It was all just wonderful. Them both with me and all that I did.
Right now too is full of content. The self made luscious food right beside. Them all along with friend dogs outside. Roman is also there who is Sanj's dog. She is such a calm bitch and looks so similar to Blue. They just love each other. And I love her vibe.
Alright. And am done with an epic dinner. Also with dairy milk both before and post dinner.
Right now Pom pom is sleeping right alongside. Now Roman has come on the other side.
Sanj and Dokc are on bed. We are listening to soothing music. Roman's warm breath upon my foot. I feel so good.
And I am in black soegatie with blue trimmed afgani.
It's such a nice room. Wish I had a room similar to this. It is at a height. Offers a good view. Also has a tiny garden right outside. Oh! This seems so so perfect. Have fallen in love with it. I want something similar.bi so wish for it. To give Blue and Sky a good space to hang out and be free and not close them inside like I did today. I kept them both sleeping inside the room for I was afraid of Sky pooping and Blue creating havoc in soem dorm room. And the only minute I left them free outside that a guy came to complain. I hate it when anyone points out something in me or my loved ones.
1:30
I feel way beyond satisfied right now. Quite sorted in my tumny, my heart and spirit. Best thing they value me for who I am and stay friends despite of the seasons.
1:32
Have shifted my place. Now I am in the middle of Dokc and Sanj. They have both become quite special in this trip for they have been the few of the pure vibes I have been meeting to recharge white in me past five months.
They too have their dark side but that's more like Krishna. Naughty not cunning. They know how to live as well. And they have humanity. Plus, both are dog lovers. And I just vibe with them. Dokc manages Yolo. A party place I used to go to every day last year. Sanj has his own rope designing shop where he does art. I gel with both of them.
Oh! I did a wall hanging today at Sanj's shop.
We can hang a plant in it. I am more thinking of hanging feathers. Alright we are all going outside.
Now we are outside. Even Roman. Sky/pom-pom is sleeping inside. Blue is sleeping with Kalu ( Anshika's bitch). Laalu (her guy) would be real angry tomorrow.
He gets jealous of Blue.
We are all outside staring into night's infinity.
1:39
Such a sorted moment. I wish to also talk sense with them tonight. Hope we do something together for they are good souls and I would love to work along with them.
Humanity is essential.
In any human being. Even the darkest one. Maybe that's why I liked Aehsan and PK.
1:42
Shared laughter. Real conversation. Value it - this moment. The music.
However disconnected or connected.
1:45
Maybe I should sign off. Maybe I should stay in. Laughter.
Oh! I loved my morning trek with Blue and Pom pom. It was indeed special and pious. It was too too energetic.
Alright vibes changing around.
1:46
Tell me love why the vibes change? Why world changes?
And it is all random.
I am happy in the moment. Let me live it.
Love you.
Mmmuuuaaah!
Still something is missing.
Lot of love!
1 AM, Old Manali
Aug 27, 19
Dearest One
1:01
Right now I am in super good vibes. With Sanj and Dokc and a guy called Bhagchand. Lol.
And ofcourse Blue Sky are right alongside. Happy moment.
Oh! I just cooked. Though have not tasted it as yet.
1:03
Dokc has played his jham favourite song 'naayak nahi khalnayak hoon main'.
And I have just come outside.
Now back inside for they are all having food and I wanted it to be a shared meal.
Also it was getting more chaotic outside with so many dogs.
I am just happy that I have cooked tonight.
Let me serve.
I am not much into rice but this is my pet special. I used to make it in Bangalore a lot.
Thank you cosmos for this moment.. let me have the first bite after 25 hours. :P
It is real tasty. A bit Burnt from the base for I had no idea about this cooker or gas. On induction I do better for that is what I have most practiced on. Yet, it is super tasty. And this moment is quite trippy.
1:11
Magic moment. Caught you today. Each is done with dinner but I. Dokc is complaining that I made it too less. I feel guilty also happy for that means it was tasty.
Sanj is playing good music. Romantic.
I have my dinner going on alongside. It is super tasty. I have all the patience. Wish they had sugar. Would have Maalpuye for them.
It feels so good to eat after so long. I didn't even have any juice this day. Oh! I went with Blue Sky uphill on my own till Shiva temple. Also that I made a mud shivalingam upon a piece of white marble. I had so long desired to do it. It felt so special. And I also fed both Blue and Sky with the holy water right out of the well outside that temple.
That's the water I used to make mud clayey. I also applied the same left over mud on my face. Later washed it out of holy water and fresh water fountain.
It was all just wonderful. Them both with me and all that I did.
Right now too is full of content. The self made luscious food right beside. Them all along with friend dogs outside. Roman is also there who is Sanj's dog. She is such a calm bitch and looks so similar to Blue. They just love each other. And I love her vibe.
Alright. And am done with an epic dinner. Also with dairy milk both before and post dinner.
Right now Pom pom is sleeping right alongside. Now Roman has come on the other side.
Sanj and Dokc are on bed. We are listening to soothing music. Roman's warm breath upon my foot. I feel so good.
And I am in black soegatie with blue trimmed afgani.
It's such a nice room. Wish I had a room similar to this. It is at a height. Offers a good view. Also has a tiny garden right outside. Oh! This seems so so perfect. Have fallen in love with it. I want something similar.bi so wish for it. To give Blue and Sky a good space to hang out and be free and not close them inside like I did today. I kept them both sleeping inside the room for I was afraid of Sky pooping and Blue creating havoc in soem dorm room. And the only minute I left them free outside that a guy came to complain. I hate it when anyone points out something in me or my loved ones.
1:30
I feel way beyond satisfied right now. Quite sorted in my tumny, my heart and spirit. Best thing they value me for who I am and stay friends despite of the seasons.
1:32
Have shifted my place. Now I am in the middle of Dokc and Sanj. They have both become quite special in this trip for they have been the few of the pure vibes I have been meeting to recharge white in me past five months.
They too have their dark side but that's more like Krishna. Naughty not cunning. They know how to live as well. And they have humanity. Plus, both are dog lovers. And I just vibe with them. Dokc manages Yolo. A party place I used to go to every day last year. Sanj has his own rope designing shop where he does art. I gel with both of them.
Oh! I did a wall hanging today at Sanj's shop.
We can hang a plant in it. I am more thinking of hanging feathers. Alright we are all going outside.
Now we are outside. Even Roman. Sky/pom-pom is sleeping inside. Blue is sleeping with Kalu ( Anshika's bitch). Laalu (her guy) would be real angry tomorrow.
He gets jealous of Blue.
We are all outside staring into night's infinity.
1:39
Such a sorted moment. I wish to also talk sense with them tonight. Hope we do something together for they are good souls and I would love to work along with them.
Humanity is essential.
In any human being. Even the darkest one. Maybe that's why I liked Aehsan and PK.
1:42
Shared laughter. Real conversation. Value it - this moment. The music.
However disconnected or connected.
1:45
Maybe I should sign off. Maybe I should stay in. Laughter.
Oh! I loved my morning trek with Blue and Pom pom. It was indeed special and pious. It was too too energetic.
Alright vibes changing around.
1:46
Tell me love why the vibes change? Why world changes?
And it is all random.
I am happy in the moment. Let me live it.
Love you.
Mmmuuuaaah!
Still something is missing.
Lot of love!
***
1 AM, OLD MANALI
August 28th, 2019
Dearest One.
Have just blazed a J.
Om namah shivaya.
I had a wonderful day.
Last night I had passed out with Sanj at his place. It was such a lovely place and vibe to be in. So many dogs inside and outside. His peaceful energy. Was equally good to wake up for I could just connect to that home. It was ideal for me - Room in hills with a small verranda outside and an epic hollow valley view with strength of mounts.
Ash came to my room this entire afternoon and with rain outside along with cloud show it all became special to share those moments with him. Don't know why he holds himself back. Or maybe I am in different zone.
Late evening that I went out with Pom pom all dressed in a mood to dance. I did dance to Pole's music - that too twice and towards end as he embraced to say Thanks I guess all differences faded in that tiny embrace. Wish he visits.
Also, I have accepted the title to be Pom-pom's mother. I don't name my relations generally but He is so so small and I am the one taking care of him and I had anyhow decided to adopt a son at one point of time why not begin now. With Blue it was different. I never felt like his mom. It is more of a romantic relation - I don't know why. Maybe because I got connected to him through Neil.
I danced full power this one night though don't know why lacked energy for it yet kind of did it well.
Sky is sleeping upon a footmat with a polybag upon it - don't know why. Probably he finds the surface better. Maybe he is upset for I am hardly letting him go outside in portico. Though I took him twice outside for long durations and even let him walk on his will when he wanted to tire him a bit out. It is because I get scared of him coming under some vehicle or getting lost that I stay so aware.
1:10
1:11
Woah! Was kind of waiting.
I just had self made Maggie with bread and now relishing over spearmint tea. Sometimes tiny things seem huge when felt from soul.
Don't know why I feel a hint of dark energy inside the room today. Last time I had felt like it, there was a centipede in the previous room. I have some phobia of them.
Today I opened up a bit back again for I realised how crucial it is to live and love every moment you feel like without which you may miss the chance to evolve with one or who knows how many more experiences.
These days I miss a loved one beside. For I am filled with love and there is none to pour it into. That giving feeling in love - I miss that feeling divine.
Ok! Now am on terrace with pom pom. For he may need to take a shit. And I wanna teach him to do it outside. Woah! He is actually doing it.
That is why he was upset. I tried taking him to the loo. He just didn't want to do it there. This is still better than cleaning it from the carpet. Now he is taking some leaves and all. Flip soul.
Why does he have to roam around and do it everywhere. Crazy guy.
I will get scolding even for that otherwise. Blue is much wiser. He goes into the bushes then does it. He is a baby still. He will learn am sure..
Atleast he is a bit relieved.
And when I avoided getting the carpet dirty of his shit, he spilled egg and milk on it. Wow! What a flip guy.
Now he wants to sleep outside.
How can I leave such a small puppy outside. Even Blue is not here.
And now he is super active. He wants to play and cry and needs all my attention. Crazy guy.
Now he wants to be in bed with me. He is already dirty.
Have washed just his feet and face and in that much he got scared that I am gonna give him a bath. Now he is sleeping between my legs. His heart is a bit pounding. Yet the fact that he trusts me still to sleep on my lap is quite cool. ok!
He wanted to sleep upon my feet on my blanket. That's so cute.
He reminds me of Chill with this act. Also he is well loved just like her. Everyone loves him and pampers him. Hope he doesn't make it dirty.
It's an aww moment. For he is going to share my bed for the first time. Last time was the first time though but there were also Roman and Sanju. Tonight it is just He and I. He is such a small baby. As long as Blue was there he wanted to sleep right below him. With me he wants to sleep at my feet. Just like Chill. But she also liked to crawl into my bed and sleep right on my pillow.
1:46
He took most of my time tonight. It is Adi's birthday tonight. I just wished him. My Birthday begins tomorrow night. Oh shit! It has come. And I haven't planned a bit of it. I wish to go to Parvati this time don't know why. Even Kasol will please me probably. Wish there was a loved one alongside to celebrate it with. Ofcourse Blue sky are there but a human being.
Sky is sleeping peacefully at my feet. He has a strange vibration in him which I like. He is demanding and a fighter. He knows how to make his place. I am getting to learn so much from him.
He just passed out moment he reached on my bed. Cutie. My child. My love. Cutie pie. I feel so hot now. I mean temperature wise. Now he is running in his dream.
Ha ha ha! It seems I am giving a live commentary on him.
Alright my love! Catch you later.
Love you!
***
1 AM, Old Manali
August 29th, 91
Dearest One.
This is the loneliest birthday of all. Maybe the best for this is what life is - a solo experience.
None alongside. Just the empty darkness and a life gently breathing.
1:01
I am in my room. Have left Pom pom with Doxcy. Have even told him to hand him over to a decent family. I had gone completely flip this evening. Was so so upset. Just now have woken up after few hours of anger sleep. Blue is still outside at the door. Waiting for me to open it. I had brought a small Dairymilk for myself just to have something sweet this birthday.
How I woke up was because Baloo had sent people from his guest house with rum and cake. Those guys even sing an egg's cost when Baloo feeds Blue with it and now I am supposed to celebrate with them who have never respected me. No way. Am glad the door was smartly locked from outside and am inside. None knows but Blue and I am not letting him in. Though it is my birthday. Probably I should atleast feed him one last time and tomorrow I will shift from here.
Ok! Gave fed him. He is not having it though. His EQ is shit high. He knows it so well when am upset.
Right now though there is no more pity left. Not even expectation. Just the neighbours laughing are annoying.
Have plugged in earphones. Now it is better.
I just shouldn't have taken this responsibility. When I have no money to feed myself how would I feed them both well. And I hate to see them begging for food here and there. And I hate to see these people being so rude to dogs. It hurts me as if they have been rude to me.
Majorly I guess I have no love left for the world for I have received none in a long time. And it makes no sense in healing and shit anymore. World is money driven. You have money, world is at your feet. So are relations, connections and respect.
Also freedom from all these stupid people who have no respect for goodness or emotions. All they fucking need is money. Alright then. Why should I waste my energy in them all. I would rather waste my life in art and music. Yeah! Atleast they gonna be with me.
And Blue too is a street dog after all. He too leaves me for a chicken piece. Aehsan was the same. Fucker. Moment he got a rich girl ready to be fucked he left all the emotions and just left. Blue too doesn't listen when I call him yet follows me everywhere when I tell him to go.
I have my own life. My own freedom. And I am not letting street dogs fuck it. Nor are these well settled people any worth of my emotions. For they too seek their benefit.
Moon is far off and will remain so for he kept in chiding me. That's the problem with the world - more you love them, more they get an upper hand and they take you for granted. Like Sun telling me on stage to just go off and come later to the room in case I feel like jamming. Like that stupid girl in Sunshine asking me to sit on another seat for all I do is dance there and not order anything. Like Pole just not reverting back to my messages and yet being so demanding emotionally for I know the sync. At the same time he gets jealous when I get more attention than him. Like Ash trying to give me some lame excuses for why he can't give me enough time. Like they whom I asked to go to Parvati along with me just for a day or two for I wanted to go there on my birthday and they merely wished me an advance happy birthday. Do they even realize how much importance I had given them when I had asked them. Also how much were they hurting me when they denied upright. Does the world ever bother about anybody's feelings?
And ofcourse money is important even back home for it is important for family's respect that their child is well set and doing something. For I can never forget the insult I had received in Laddakh by Karan and how mom had still sided with him.
I didn't want Blue to feel the same. I didn't want Pom pom to feel abandoned as well. And that was the reason I was trying to take care of them. That I am there. Yet, I realise now, I can't really give them a good life with my limited resources and spirit which always wants to fly. It's not just this moment - it's a long time commitment and I have neither a place nor job to ensure their comfortable living.
Dog shelter - I will open one day - with money. Self made one. Not from any NGO or hope or faith. Or maybe I won't do anything like that by then for I won't have any emotions left. Emotions only make one week.
Yet, I would never be like these assholes I mentioned who together hurt me so bad. Guess what? When I went to leave Pom pom with Dokc he was playing a game on his phone. Also that morning he had gone to Siali Mahadev. He had promised me to take pom pom for vaccination. He took his own dog for it not pom pom. And it is from him that I had taken the responsibility of Pom pom. He didn't come to even visit him once. And he calls himself a dog lover and stuff. What's the point of mking such a face when you are not really expressing it. Anyway, it is his life. His own situations. One never knows about the other's life.
Alright, I will get suffocated if I m gonna keep these windows any more closed. Let me open them and have a little something to eat. Have hardly been eating for past few days. Today too all I had was bread and ketchup. For I was spending all my money on eggs and milk and bread for them. Not my money. The money I asked for from my friends. I didn't want to take it from home.
Why am I like this? Mom says my education is useless for I am still living ha d to mouth. She also says that am intelligent enough earn way beyond all these morons I come across each day. Why don't I focus on money? I could never do that.
I am just so upset. I don't know what to do. I have none. I don't even wanna go home. For I do miss home but I have left it for a reason. And I have still not sorted my life or myself enough.
My eyes are tired. I cried this entire evening and kept on running away from my dogs. I miss Pom pom. But I gotta be strong.
Blue didn't even eat a morsel.
He so well knows how to express his pain. He will take care of himself once am gone - he is strong that way. But I know he is gonna be upset. And that is why I handed over Pom pom for it would be difficult for him to get reattached so many times. Though he was a perfect dog to be kept. Cute, aggressive, demanding, love seeking. And he was so well loved and received everywhere. Had he been as old as Blue, he would have come back to me.
I was half hoping Dokc to bring him back to me at 12 just to surprise me. But none of my friends came. Instead those losers came who were shouting loudly all over and saying random things about Baloo's love and shit.
Why are such empathy less people born?
And Baloo. Be is commendable. He could make them all move with ammenities for me who don't leave any chance to insult me or loot my friends.
Anyway, these are such momentary things. All insignificant in the larger perspective. This is the only day in all my blogs where my birthday was also coinciding for it is August.
Yet, just today it doesn't make any sense. What's so special about a birthday when you are special to none.
Blue is still here but he can leave any time. All it needs is a chicken piece.
1:50
Am having bit of a headache. Probably will eat and pass out. Or I don't know.
Happy Birthday to me!!!
Don't know how happy!
***
5:38
Dear One, I know it is quite late and we never talk at this time. But it is my birthday and the moment is special. The entire night went insanely up and down. After getting done with my blog I got super depressed. Broke down again. Only to suddenly realise how wrong was I. I simply went to pick up Pom pom in a rush. Blue was just not having any food. I suddenly felt what if he was missing pom pom. So I went and ofcourse Blue followed in a while. Also I met old John on the way and he also came alongside. Together we reached Doxcy's place at around 3:15 only to realise that he had already given Pom pom to Sanju.
Already at Yolo that Ludo and Bhalu (Dokc's dogs) had initially attacked Old John who got scared until they became friends. They are so so calm and humble. Later they came to drop us outside and there I had another challenge. There were so many street dogs ready to attack Old John. He is a bit silly dog. Earlier he was overly pampered by all dogs and people. He was healthy and cute. I don't know why he is getting leaner and more disliked with time. So yeah in order to save him from around 10-12 dogs I also realised that each was listening to me. They did as I said and even if were angry because of an alien dog in their territory yet were wagging their tail for me. Rather they helped me take out scared Old John who was hiding under a car and was getting way scared on the way. I still couldn't convince myself with the fact that I had abandoned Pom pom. It was a responsibility I had willingly taken and from my soul. Though it was just for 15 days initially that I had agreed but it was I who had wished to keep him for longer.
I am now a bit sleepy. Having black coffee with Spear mint tea.
6:06
Oh yeah! So we went to pick up...
4:15
Sorry I passed out. But it was a beautiful sleep. Pom pom slept right beside and an entire dog family right outside my room.
Just last night that I was reconsidering my feelings about street dogs. Just last entire night
That I was full of dogs around.
4:42
I woke up with a beautiful sunrise then passed out again. Only to wake up again and again to a beutiful reality. Manali. Mountains. Drizzle. Clouds. Birds.
My dogs. What a life.
Also got up and pampered both Blue and Pom pom a lot a lot. Visited Ash and Sun's room to have the left half cake for they had waited for me last night and had assumed me to be in Parvati valley and had therefore cut it on their own. I teased them a lot for it. Saying is it my death day thav is being celebrated without me. Or am I Krishna whose birthday is celebrated all around without I being there.
4:47
Right now they are all here in my room. With rum. We gonna celebrate my birthday. Actually already doing it. Momsha also called again to check if I was happy.
***
8:13
Am back in my room. Sun, Ash, Baba, Blue and Sky are all with me. We had full power meal in Rocktop. Literally luscious. Probably that was cooked meal after few days for me. Maybe it was the company that made it even tastier. Also it was raining outside and Rocktop is just riverside. I felt lucky to have so much of love around.
Oh! Dokc and Sanju are also waiting to make it full power.
Another party awaited.
Oh! I am living the moment and momsha ke aaj ke lesson mei 'poornta ka ehsaas'. Once I felt complete in myself that I could share it with others.
I also read a meme last night that was real inspiring. It said, 'choti choti baton par apno ka daaman nai chora karte, poori zindagi lag jaati hai Apne banane mei'. I loved it. Also learned from. It was that which had driven me to go fetch Pom pom back.
Alright time to join the party back. Thanks to cosmos there is so much of love, such feeling of ample.
**"
1 AM, Old Manali
August 30, 19
Dearest dearest love, my one. I am so happy in the moment .
My friends around me.
1:01
We all are jamming. Picture perfect moment. Magical moment. All full of love. All here with me. I am happy. I am not alone. Even if I am - I am complete, fulfilled.
'tu hi meri shab. Hai'.
We all are jamming.
Lovely moment.
I feel like dancing. Such a happy day. My soul is nourished.
I am happy. Sanju, Dokc, Ash, Sun, I. Also that I danced in my own guest house's cafe. Also Pile came u. Evening sometime. Though he ditched later on.
It has been a lovely birthday. My people around me. I will miss Ash and Sun once they gonna go. Aslo am missing Moon. And Ahesan and PK and Neil. Why are they not here. I wish to be there for all my loved ones.
Just to make it special. To tell them that they are special. Like these guys are doing for me.
Thank you cosmos for this moment
1:09
Thank you for so much of love. Blue and Pom Pom are sleeping outside.
1:16
Oh! I just sang my favourite song
'Shiv kailashon ke waasi'
It felt so pure and powerful.
My spirit is nourished with them all alongside.
Also the DMT trip is coming back.
As if it's just I. They are all in my world. Good vibes. Lovely vibes. Musical vibes. Energetic. Pure. Full of love. Also had a talk at Nani's place. Loved it. Wish they were more active but I had got late. Had missed their calls.
Right now, trying hard to look into the screen and type. This present is so so beautiful
Right now we are singing 'badshah'
And laughing over it.
'shaam bhi koi jaise hai nadi'
We are one.
1:23
'gumsum gumsum hai na'
,'namo namo'
'chal pada nai dagar'
Oh I am living this moment.
I am so so happy!
In bliss!
In magic.
Pom pom - I just left him on my bed. He is core love. So fucking aggressive yet so full of love.
I just want this moment to be frozen. So full of content. So blissful. So full of love. All my loved ones around.
This is love.
Sanju just left.
So I just over - kissed Pom Pom.
Blue is stil outside.
I am so so satisfied with my day. I just didn't get a chance to over hope or over expect.
I am just jumping with joy.
Yahan PE sab Shanti Shanti hai.
'I'm a crazy crazy woman'
So much of energy. Even Anmol had visited this evening. I am typing with one eye closed. Maybe I am high.
It's just better to type with no brightness on..
Now Dokc and Blue are playing. I am just glad about them all being here. So much of love.
1:45
Thank you Manali for giving me such beautiful vibes. So much of love. Such beautiful energy. Thank you cosmos for making my life so magical. Zolese forgive me if I complain sometimes. This moment clearly described - it is all worth it. It is all worth every sacrifice. And that I am earning real connections. That I have real humans around me. Thank you once again for this beautiful chemistry. I just love them all. Thank you for letting lived ones be with me. Thak you for the beautiful nature all around me over here.
Thank you for bhai and momsha and Nani's family - they all loved me.
Love you. Good night.
***
1 AM, OLD MANALI
August 28th, 2019
Dearest One.
Have just blazed a J.
Om namah shivaya.
I had a wonderful day.
Last night I had passed out with Sanj at his place. It was such a lovely place and vibe to be in. So many dogs inside and outside. His peaceful energy. Was equally good to wake up for I could just connect to that home. It was ideal for me - Room in hills with a small verranda outside and an epic hollow valley view with strength of mounts.
Ash came to my room this entire afternoon and with rain outside along with cloud show it all became special to share those moments with him. Don't know why he holds himself back. Or maybe I am in different zone.
Late evening that I went out with Pom pom all dressed in a mood to dance. I did dance to Pole's music - that too twice and towards end as he embraced to say Thanks I guess all differences faded in that tiny embrace. Wish he visits.
Also, I have accepted the title to be Pom-pom's mother. I don't name my relations generally but He is so so small and I am the one taking care of him and I had anyhow decided to adopt a son at one point of time why not begin now. With Blue it was different. I never felt like his mom. It is more of a romantic relation - I don't know why. Maybe because I got connected to him through Neil.
I danced full power this one night though don't know why lacked energy for it yet kind of did it well.
Sky is sleeping upon a footmat with a polybag upon it - don't know why. Probably he finds the surface better. Maybe he is upset for I am hardly letting him go outside in portico. Though I took him twice outside for long durations and even let him walk on his will when he wanted to tire him a bit out. It is because I get scared of him coming under some vehicle or getting lost that I stay so aware.
1:10
1:11
Woah! Was kind of waiting.
I just had self made Maggie with bread and now relishing over spearmint tea. Sometimes tiny things seem huge when felt from soul.
Don't know why I feel a hint of dark energy inside the room today. Last time I had felt like it, there was a centipede in the previous room. I have some phobia of them.
Today I opened up a bit back again for I realised how crucial it is to live and love every moment you feel like without which you may miss the chance to evolve with one or who knows how many more experiences.
These days I miss a loved one beside. For I am filled with love and there is none to pour it into. That giving feeling in love - I miss that feeling divine.
Ok! Now am on terrace with pom pom. For he may need to take a shit. And I wanna teach him to do it outside. Woah! He is actually doing it.
That is why he was upset. I tried taking him to the loo. He just didn't want to do it there. This is still better than cleaning it from the carpet. Now he is taking some leaves and all. Flip soul.
Why does he have to roam around and do it everywhere. Crazy guy.
I will get scolding even for that otherwise. Blue is much wiser. He goes into the bushes then does it. He is a baby still. He will learn am sure..
Atleast he is a bit relieved.
And when I avoided getting the carpet dirty of his shit, he spilled egg and milk on it. Wow! What a flip guy.
Now he wants to sleep outside.
How can I leave such a small puppy outside. Even Blue is not here.
And now he is super active. He wants to play and cry and needs all my attention. Crazy guy.
Now he wants to be in bed with me. He is already dirty.
Have washed just his feet and face and in that much he got scared that I am gonna give him a bath. Now he is sleeping between my legs. His heart is a bit pounding. Yet the fact that he trusts me still to sleep on my lap is quite cool. ok!
He wanted to sleep upon my feet on my blanket. That's so cute.
He reminds me of Chill with this act. Also he is well loved just like her. Everyone loves him and pampers him. Hope he doesn't make it dirty.
It's an aww moment. For he is going to share my bed for the first time. Last time was the first time though but there were also Roman and Sanju. Tonight it is just He and I. He is such a small baby. As long as Blue was there he wanted to sleep right below him. With me he wants to sleep at my feet. Just like Chill. But she also liked to crawl into my bed and sleep right on my pillow.
1:46
He took most of my time tonight. It is Adi's birthday tonight. I just wished him. My Birthday begins tomorrow night. Oh shit! It has come. And I haven't planned a bit of it. I wish to go to Parvati this time don't know why. Even Kasol will please me probably. Wish there was a loved one alongside to celebrate it with. Ofcourse Blue sky are there but a human being.
Sky is sleeping peacefully at my feet. He has a strange vibration in him which I like. He is demanding and a fighter. He knows how to make his place. I am getting to learn so much from him.
He just passed out moment he reached on my bed. Cutie. My child. My love. Cutie pie. I feel so hot now. I mean temperature wise. Now he is running in his dream.
Ha ha ha! It seems I am giving a live commentary on him.
Alright my love! Catch you later.
Love you!
***
1 AM, Old Manali
August 29th, 91
Dearest One.
This is the loneliest birthday of all. Maybe the best for this is what life is - a solo experience.
None alongside. Just the empty darkness and a life gently breathing.
1:01
I am in my room. Have left Pom pom with Doxcy. Have even told him to hand him over to a decent family. I had gone completely flip this evening. Was so so upset. Just now have woken up after few hours of anger sleep. Blue is still outside at the door. Waiting for me to open it. I had brought a small Dairymilk for myself just to have something sweet this birthday.
How I woke up was because Baloo had sent people from his guest house with rum and cake. Those guys even sing an egg's cost when Baloo feeds Blue with it and now I am supposed to celebrate with them who have never respected me. No way. Am glad the door was smartly locked from outside and am inside. None knows but Blue and I am not letting him in. Though it is my birthday. Probably I should atleast feed him one last time and tomorrow I will shift from here.
Ok! Gave fed him. He is not having it though. His EQ is shit high. He knows it so well when am upset.
Right now though there is no more pity left. Not even expectation. Just the neighbours laughing are annoying.
Have plugged in earphones. Now it is better.
I just shouldn't have taken this responsibility. When I have no money to feed myself how would I feed them both well. And I hate to see them begging for food here and there. And I hate to see these people being so rude to dogs. It hurts me as if they have been rude to me.
Majorly I guess I have no love left for the world for I have received none in a long time. And it makes no sense in healing and shit anymore. World is money driven. You have money, world is at your feet. So are relations, connections and respect.
Also freedom from all these stupid people who have no respect for goodness or emotions. All they fucking need is money. Alright then. Why should I waste my energy in them all. I would rather waste my life in art and music. Yeah! Atleast they gonna be with me.
And Blue too is a street dog after all. He too leaves me for a chicken piece. Aehsan was the same. Fucker. Moment he got a rich girl ready to be fucked he left all the emotions and just left. Blue too doesn't listen when I call him yet follows me everywhere when I tell him to go.
I have my own life. My own freedom. And I am not letting street dogs fuck it. Nor are these well settled people any worth of my emotions. For they too seek their benefit.
Moon is far off and will remain so for he kept in chiding me. That's the problem with the world - more you love them, more they get an upper hand and they take you for granted. Like Sun telling me on stage to just go off and come later to the room in case I feel like jamming. Like that stupid girl in Sunshine asking me to sit on another seat for all I do is dance there and not order anything. Like Pole just not reverting back to my messages and yet being so demanding emotionally for I know the sync. At the same time he gets jealous when I get more attention than him. Like Ash trying to give me some lame excuses for why he can't give me enough time. Like they whom I asked to go to Parvati along with me just for a day or two for I wanted to go there on my birthday and they merely wished me an advance happy birthday. Do they even realize how much importance I had given them when I had asked them. Also how much were they hurting me when they denied upright. Does the world ever bother about anybody's feelings?
And ofcourse money is important even back home for it is important for family's respect that their child is well set and doing something. For I can never forget the insult I had received in Laddakh by Karan and how mom had still sided with him.
I didn't want Blue to feel the same. I didn't want Pom pom to feel abandoned as well. And that was the reason I was trying to take care of them. That I am there. Yet, I realise now, I can't really give them a good life with my limited resources and spirit which always wants to fly. It's not just this moment - it's a long time commitment and I have neither a place nor job to ensure their comfortable living.
Dog shelter - I will open one day - with money. Self made one. Not from any NGO or hope or faith. Or maybe I won't do anything like that by then for I won't have any emotions left. Emotions only make one week.
Yet, I would never be like these assholes I mentioned who together hurt me so bad. Guess what? When I went to leave Pom pom with Dokc he was playing a game on his phone. Also that morning he had gone to Siali Mahadev. He had promised me to take pom pom for vaccination. He took his own dog for it not pom pom. And it is from him that I had taken the responsibility of Pom pom. He didn't come to even visit him once. And he calls himself a dog lover and stuff. What's the point of mking such a face when you are not really expressing it. Anyway, it is his life. His own situations. One never knows about the other's life.
Alright, I will get suffocated if I m gonna keep these windows any more closed. Let me open them and have a little something to eat. Have hardly been eating for past few days. Today too all I had was bread and ketchup. For I was spending all my money on eggs and milk and bread for them. Not my money. The money I asked for from my friends. I didn't want to take it from home.
Why am I like this? Mom says my education is useless for I am still living ha d to mouth. She also says that am intelligent enough earn way beyond all these morons I come across each day. Why don't I focus on money? I could never do that.
I am just so upset. I don't know what to do. I have none. I don't even wanna go home. For I do miss home but I have left it for a reason. And I have still not sorted my life or myself enough.
My eyes are tired. I cried this entire evening and kept on running away from my dogs. I miss Pom pom. But I gotta be strong.
Blue didn't even eat a morsel.
He so well knows how to express his pain. He will take care of himself once am gone - he is strong that way. But I know he is gonna be upset. And that is why I handed over Pom pom for it would be difficult for him to get reattached so many times. Though he was a perfect dog to be kept. Cute, aggressive, demanding, love seeking. And he was so well loved and received everywhere. Had he been as old as Blue, he would have come back to me.
I was half hoping Dokc to bring him back to me at 12 just to surprise me. But none of my friends came. Instead those losers came who were shouting loudly all over and saying random things about Baloo's love and shit.
Why are such empathy less people born?
And Baloo. Be is commendable. He could make them all move with ammenities for me who don't leave any chance to insult me or loot my friends.
Anyway, these are such momentary things. All insignificant in the larger perspective. This is the only day in all my blogs where my birthday was also coinciding for it is August.
Yet, just today it doesn't make any sense. What's so special about a birthday when you are special to none.
Blue is still here but he can leave any time. All it needs is a chicken piece.
1:50
Am having bit of a headache. Probably will eat and pass out. Or I don't know.
Happy Birthday to me!!!
Don't know how happy!
***
5:38
Dear One, I know it is quite late and we never talk at this time. But it is my birthday and the moment is special. The entire night went insanely up and down. After getting done with my blog I got super depressed. Broke down again. Only to suddenly realise how wrong was I. I simply went to pick up Pom pom in a rush. Blue was just not having any food. I suddenly felt what if he was missing pom pom. So I went and ofcourse Blue followed in a while. Also I met old John on the way and he also came alongside. Together we reached Doxcy's place at around 3:15 only to realise that he had already given Pom pom to Sanju.
Already at Yolo that Ludo and Bhalu (Dokc's dogs) had initially attacked Old John who got scared until they became friends. They are so so calm and humble. Later they came to drop us outside and there I had another challenge. There were so many street dogs ready to attack Old John. He is a bit silly dog. Earlier he was overly pampered by all dogs and people. He was healthy and cute. I don't know why he is getting leaner and more disliked with time. So yeah in order to save him from around 10-12 dogs I also realised that each was listening to me. They did as I said and even if were angry because of an alien dog in their territory yet were wagging their tail for me. Rather they helped me take out scared Old John who was hiding under a car and was getting way scared on the way. I still couldn't convince myself with the fact that I had abandoned Pom pom. It was a responsibility I had willingly taken and from my soul. Though it was just for 15 days initially that I had agreed but it was I who had wished to keep him for longer.
I am now a bit sleepy. Having black coffee with Spear mint tea.
6:06
Oh yeah! So we went to pick up...
4:15
Sorry I passed out. But it was a beautiful sleep. Pom pom slept right beside and an entire dog family right outside my room.
Just last night that I was reconsidering my feelings about street dogs. Just last entire night
That I was full of dogs around.
4:42
I woke up with a beautiful sunrise then passed out again. Only to wake up again and again to a beutiful reality. Manali. Mountains. Drizzle. Clouds. Birds.
My dogs. What a life.
Also got up and pampered both Blue and Pom pom a lot a lot. Visited Ash and Sun's room to have the left half cake for they had waited for me last night and had assumed me to be in Parvati valley and had therefore cut it on their own. I teased them a lot for it. Saying is it my death day thav is being celebrated without me. Or am I Krishna whose birthday is celebrated all around without I being there.
4:47
Right now they are all here in my room. With rum. We gonna celebrate my birthday. Actually already doing it. Momsha also called again to check if I was happy.
***
8:13
Am back in my room. Sun, Ash, Baba, Blue and Sky are all with me. We had full power meal in Rocktop. Literally luscious. Probably that was cooked meal after few days for me. Maybe it was the company that made it even tastier. Also it was raining outside and Rocktop is just riverside. I felt lucky to have so much of love around.
Oh! Dokc and Sanju are also waiting to make it full power.
Another party awaited.
Oh! I am living the moment and momsha ke aaj ke lesson mei 'poornta ka ehsaas'. Once I felt complete in myself that I could share it with others.
I also read a meme last night that was real inspiring. It said, 'choti choti baton par apno ka daaman nai chora karte, poori zindagi lag jaati hai Apne banane mei'. I loved it. Also learned from. It was that which had driven me to go fetch Pom pom back.
Alright time to join the party back. Thanks to cosmos there is so much of love, such feeling of ample.
**"
1 AM, Old Manali
August 30, 19
Dearest dearest love, my one. I am so happy in the moment .
My friends around me.
1:01
We all are jamming. Picture perfect moment. Magical moment. All full of love. All here with me. I am happy. I am not alone. Even if I am - I am complete, fulfilled.
'tu hi meri shab. Hai'.
We all are jamming.
Lovely moment.
I feel like dancing. Such a happy day. My soul is nourished.
I am happy. Sanju, Dokc, Ash, Sun, I. Also that I danced in my own guest house's cafe. Also Pile came u. Evening sometime. Though he ditched later on.
It has been a lovely birthday. My people around me. I will miss Ash and Sun once they gonna go. Aslo am missing Moon. And Ahesan and PK and Neil. Why are they not here. I wish to be there for all my loved ones.
Just to make it special. To tell them that they are special. Like these guys are doing for me.
Thank you cosmos for this moment
1:09
Thank you for so much of love. Blue and Pom Pom are sleeping outside.
1:16
Oh! I just sang my favourite song
'Shiv kailashon ke waasi'
It felt so pure and powerful.
My spirit is nourished with them all alongside.
Also the DMT trip is coming back.
As if it's just I. They are all in my world. Good vibes. Lovely vibes. Musical vibes. Energetic. Pure. Full of love. Also had a talk at Nani's place. Loved it. Wish they were more active but I had got late. Had missed their calls.
Right now, trying hard to look into the screen and type. This present is so so beautiful
Right now we are singing 'badshah'
And laughing over it.
'shaam bhi koi jaise hai nadi'
We are one.
1:23
'gumsum gumsum hai na'
,'namo namo'
'chal pada nai dagar'
Oh I am living this moment.
I am so so happy!
In bliss!
In magic.
Pom pom - I just left him on my bed. He is core love. So fucking aggressive yet so full of love.
I just want this moment to be frozen. So full of content. So blissful. So full of love. All my loved ones around.
This is love.
Sanju just left.
So I just over - kissed Pom Pom.
Blue is stil outside.
I am so so satisfied with my day. I just didn't get a chance to over hope or over expect.
I am just jumping with joy.
Yahan PE sab Shanti Shanti hai.
'I'm a crazy crazy woman'
So much of energy. Even Anmol had visited this evening. I am typing with one eye closed. Maybe I am high.
It's just better to type with no brightness on..
Now Dokc and Blue are playing. I am just glad about them all being here. So much of love.
1:45
Thank you Manali for giving me such beautiful vibes. So much of love. Such beautiful energy. Thank you cosmos for making my life so magical. Zolese forgive me if I complain sometimes. This moment clearly described - it is all worth it. It is all worth every sacrifice. And that I am earning real connections. That I have real humans around me. Thank you once again for this beautiful chemistry. I just love them all. Thank you for letting lived ones be with me. Thak you for the beautiful nature all around me over here.
Thank you for bhai and momsha and Nani's family - they all loved me.
Love you. Good night.
***
No comments:
Post a Comment