Reason to smile

Knowledge is there
But the pain
This hollowness.
I try to treat it.
Look for a reason to smile.
Cause of happiness.

I keep dancing
Like always
Without any reason.
But that happiness know
That is missing.
It enters in
And then vanishes
Into thin air.
The hasty steps
With a sudden boost of energy
Heart craves to be happy.
But the thoughts
They too seem missing.
Or they bring anger.
Guess am even done with
Nostalgia.
It's more of an empty space.
Like a patch of soil scared
To die barren.
Like a bird
Afraid
To just be shot
One fine day
And not have
Her destined flight.
The soul inside
Tried to give advice.
It says,
'Time keeps changing.
Remember that day
You were crying
In a corner
Long back
Thinking
Your world was over.
But it was not.
It was difficult.
But you were strong.
You faced it all.
Crying inside.
Yet standing tall.
And the time did change.
A dream life
Happened in your fate.
Then another such night.
Remember? Another room
Another city
You were crying
Kissing walls
Afraid to leave
What you called
Your stall.
But you left
To find
An even better den.
Wilderness was inside
Wild outside.
You loved it all
Jumping at every call.
And this is yet another phase.
Probably too hazy
To make sense of it now.
Hold on. Grab on to life.
You can do it.
You have done it
So far
At every fall.'

But I feel lost
Bewildered and stopped.
I am unable to fly
A strange weight inside
Something covers me
A pale shroud.
I feel the gloss missing.

'Never mind. It will all be fine.
Keep dancing..keep trancing.
Have faith in yourself.
You gonna rock it.
You have been
An inspiration.'

But I feel lost.
Like a ship
Dooming every moment
Deep into the sea.
Drowning into that darkness
So silent. So alone.
I doubt my fire.
I am done with desire.
Or probably it is
Too much of desire.
I just hate to compromise.
I would rather have none
If rather than my share
I get some.
I want to have what I want
And I detest cunning crowd.
I seek peace and love.
I wanna travel.
It's music I wanna make.
It's art I wanna create.

'Then do it.
Who is stopping you.
Dive in
Like you always do.
You had always taken
Blind shots.
What scares you?'

Nothing. Nothing scares me.
I am afraid of anything.
Also I need nothing.
None for strength.
Or so I feel.
But there are times
When I wanna depend on someone.
I want love in Lee.

'Really?
Had you not been
An anti- attachment person?'

I will say
I want to be
An anti-attachment person.
But am not.
Also that's not
What I mean here.
It's that pole star
I seek
To show me
The right direction.
From a panopticon vision
From that cloudy peak.

'Woah! Why are you trying to be
So fucking righteous.
Since when have you began
to calculate
Risks so malicious.
Jump on. Take the step.'

Aah! I feel lost.
So direction less.

'Have faith. Believe yourself.
It will all be fine.
Leave on time.

Cool Yo.
I leave on time.
Test of time.
Yet even this time
I will stand tall.
I will still be fine.
No challenge for you
My destiny
I still believe
In cosmos, in my entity.
I don't need a reason to be happy
The moment I decide
To be happy
Here I smile.

- Surbhi Rohera