2nd Dec, 2015
5 A.M ..Bangalore.. Its drizzling around,ever since night embraced clouds into its moist mouth of dreamy bliss. A warm bath and little walk till my balcony - only to wonder - is it the right time to think or feel or even write. Still in confusion.
There are colors all around - on those dull walls so profoundly filled with life in the form of colored papers, dried leaves, shells, posters and anything that seemed beautiful to my eyes when I picked them from here and there.
Or should I call these things an expression of life. But nothing better then this sound of breeze playing with the window panes and pattering rain drops so lazily spread on those frames.
It seems as if I am still travelling. It always feels like that. So much of wandering around has dislocated that nostalgic feeling of 'Known'. Everything seems estranged... everything seems my own.
Like those people I get attached to and then get detached at the same time. Those that I love and loath in continuous rhyme. Those who mattered alot once but ceased to exist since I don't know how much time. Those that are there in present but are ceased in a future dent. Those that are there since ever forever.. or who cares?? Its always those.
Yet I do care or else it wouldn't have been a chore. But why bother now? Its 5:15. I can make that out with those early morning prayers from neighborhood - They call it 'Fajr'. On the screen are colors again with some mild music spread all around in room like those sandal sticks that ma lights in morning.
There is something beautiful about mornings. They always seem to surprise me. Like some mornings are a quick realization of a long bright day full of activity. Some bring those lazy moments in bed where all you feel like doing is to have a warm cocco in your hand and be there - without moving an ounce of your body. Some warn you for a tough journey. Some bring pleasure in beginning. It also depends upon how the day evolves. Weather is always uncertain - here in Bangalore.
Guess a coffee will be apt for this morning. And I feel hungry too. A morning venture on terrace maybe? Or should I turn around and sleep. Is this entire writing of any value? Like whats so interesting about this description of what am I doing at some time in some common everyday?
5:28, Shit, why am I keeping a count of time? Is it some 'Diary entry' trip? Isn't it playing with the genre I have maintained in my blogs? But I don't have a genre. I believe in no category....Derrida's deconstruction in mind. Aah!! No side is yet another side.
But isn't it really huge to realize that in a way I am capturing this moment that won't ever come back. I am conquering Time by capturing time. But why do I wanna capture it? Coz it is more powerful than me? Or am I fantasized and obsessed with Time so much that I can't tolerate it being powerful.
But when did I enter this competition? Am I not a lover of everything Natural and Isn't Time too nature? But so are humans. and remember, I have this tendency of loving someone and loathing at the same time.
3rd December, 2015
Its 5 A.M. again... Last entire day and night it rained... Suddenly I can see a clear sky... Half Moon with Venus so high.... Constellations are also visible today....Have never seen this clear a sky in Bangalore before...
The sky has grey and silver lines all over... Wish I could have captured it.. Yet it's like a dream world...
Morning prayers could be heard from mosques from all sides... Its a spiritual state of mind.
I felt a bit scared before coming alone on terrace.. Some strange barks and howls were audible from terrace.. And yet, just a view of sky... takes away all shy..
I can feel the magic in air... Like some powers spread somewhere..
Venus seems to be out just for me.. And I am waiting for some awaited event - like vanishing into thin air right in the heart of Venus or Moon somewhere..
Its soul that is the epicenter..Its all bliss that's my mentor.
Amidst these faded gigantic white cements, below an endless silver magical dome - here I sit, coz my intuitions got me here. Here I am waiting for that cosmic sphere..
Guess I was scared too, that's why I came down so soon.. The room is full of sugary aroma, of the sweet I made an hour ago.
Wow! It suddenly feels like home. Like sitting relaxed in my warm bed, imagining the experience I just had and the coffee I am about to make. I can see some books, a mug and some colorful notes spread leisurely around. I suddenly feel happy and proud of this moment around.
Everything seems attainable suddenly. Everything happening seems bound to happen adamantly.
Wow! Just two mornings with two states of mind. I wonder whats the next step wombs. I wonder how the last step groomed.
Guess, this is progress. It always is.Only in gyres of beauty and fragility. And yet the difference is never known with a distinctive line. You won't ever know when which becomes what. They say, 'Its all in the mind'.
Time for coffee I guess.
4th Dec. 2015
I was almost waiting for 5 A.M today. It seems like a ritual just in two days. This watching moon and feeling the magical bliss in it. This waiting for the morning prayers from all around in few minutes.
Its meditative this looking at moon for so long. It seems to be playing with clouds and a bright pole star along. There is Venus too silently blooming in its own sphere. Sky is red - like a world in itself - the invisible sphere.
5:15 The morning prayers are spreading all around with their positive vibes. I can feel it - this change of feeling - the world turning alive. The deadly silence of night was not just haunting but also full of ideas. I went out into my balcony at 5 to see that spectacular moon and forget everything on ground. But then there was that haunting sound - like someone sweeping. and I saw a man watering road outside mosque. It had rained even last evening. Why was he washing the ground. Anything strange and unknown is fearful to our innocent and cowardly minds. Guess that's what took me to terrace at 5 o' 5.
Aah!!! what bliss. The magic around. Dark crimson sky with silver clouds dancing by.
And now am back in my room. With lights switched off and a spiritual feel of prayers and morning darkness in room. Guess everyone is waiting for dawn. Maybe me too. Its always a pleasure to watch a new beginning.
Yet this attachment with night - this love of dark, this obsession with freedom of being into my darkest self in isolation. I hate farewells, but adore changes too. Stability for me is stagnation. I like it like a passer through. But it never stays struck to a level of a passer by. Anything I observe too closely remains somewhere deep inside.
I absorb it - what I like. and that's why it becomes difficult - leaving any situation behind. and yet, I can't even count - those night I left behind and mornings that brought me shine. Maybe I grow with them. Maybe I evolve each time growing another thick layer around my stem.
and the circumference keeps enhancing. So are my visions and dimensions. Imagination never had a hold. Its facts that keep inter-mediating and prancing.
So much for three days. Its going huge I guess -this turmoil inside my head. Yet its always a pleasure - to know new things. To give birth to new expressions and cyclic emotions.
Its a different feel altogether - like that of strength that can make you write your own history. But is it of any significance - this creating history?
Men die - but their words remain. Writer's dream - to be alive always in main frame. But the human voice keeps changing. Humans are too desperate to replace the last changeling. Aaah! funny notions of immortality and death. Crazy definitions of growing healthy and dying well. Its all in the mind, ' they say'. It all stays behind - every sun's ray.
and yet, it is the journey that matters. It is this very moment that is not scattered. It is right in this moment that my mind is in unison with cosmos around. It is this moment where despite of so many sphere around, I am only lost in this morning's sound.
It is bliss to be united with the cosmos. To feel at one with the elements that not many notice around. To listen to those sounds that seem whisps to the ears. To spectate magical cosmic spheres. It is this moment that is immortal. Maybe inside my memory or who knows in my soul's alter.
6th Dec, 2015
Say Hi to 5 A.M... I am getting more and more obsessed with this time. Last morning I missed it.. I was awake yet so lost in my own thoughts that realized it at 6 that I had missed 5. So it be. I don't want it to overpower me. This time is for me, I can't worry about my passion. It has to be with me weightless with no rules or fashion.
So it is - free, powerful, alluring and enlightening. No matter what state of mind I stay in before this time. 5 A.M and my mind gets a new rhyme. Last line I got inspired with was of Keats, 'Poet is a healer....' I lost not only the lines I had thought to reflect upon but also the entire chain of thoughts to reproduce and elaborate at this time. So powerful is this freedom of expression that it can only create an original line.
Its deadly silent today - the world around. It was Saturday yesterday, Guess Bangalore is full of sleeping people too high to feel the relief to step out of their routine life. Its as if, even weekend is a part of the routine - to go out, party, dance and socialize. When I had first visited Bangalore to live here, I was massively impressed by its clubbing sight. Sky Bar was one dream like place. Music sense of this city rushed thrill to that inner child - who felt a sort of relief - to find intellectual people with good sense and mind.
But as I became a part of the city, surviving 5 days and living in two nights.. I lived an entire month of clubbing - checking out so many pubs, meeting so many such minds. It was amazing initially, pubbing, chilling, getting dressed, leaving everything behind. And yet, in just few days, I felt lost in that sparkly blind.
I missed nature. I missed life. The people seemed robotic. Walking like machines of some kind. The localities were different - they were sensible with higher sets of mind..yet those who had not explored places- The world was ideal to them - a replica of their own city in mind. And then I suddenly observed, drinking amidst different circles of people around different tables in different parties - Heads tapping, feet tapping, but no conversations, no emotions. There were hang outs of friends from different societies . 'These are my friends from dance group (Bitchy set but still cool to hangout). With these I practice yoga (v. influential people). These are office-mates ( Don't tell them any truth about me.), '
I saw people meeting up weekend per weekend yet not exchanging any real words but 'chilling with so n so at so n so place - sloshed'..... or 'what a party last night. Don't remember what I did. Weekend couldn't have been better.'
Right after spending a month like that; I got bored, lifeless, tortured. I craved to meet some real people with expressions and emotions. and just after a month I quit my first job, Bangalore's party life and the distorted desire to find myself in this techno city. and I went for a long trip of 20 days to Andaman - a place I still can't believe I went to.
Returning back was a pain in heart but a thrill for head. Coming back to a city just a day before your next joining with tasks pending like figuring out a place to stay, friends to trust, and new work field to be all explored all over - was too much to be digested in a single go.
And there I took a vow. Not less than three trips every month. That day and the next 6 months of my job - 5 days I used to work with occasional parties, but Friday evening to Monday morning was fixed - Travel. I joined Biker's club, learned riding, explored so many places around Bangalore and realized - Life was to be alive. To let those elements merge with each other so bright. Not that I turned anti-social. But I chose my own life. Despite of being in a techno city and working in a software company, I didn't lose me, my emotions or the guts to feel delight.
Don't know what took me to that memory lane. But the morning prayers suddenly cleansed my brain .And I am back into this moment. The v. now - far off from that memory lane. Where I am sitting here in my lovely room - thinking out loud enough to transcend from idea to these black characters coming to life on screen.
Its 5:30, see the power of mind. Half an hour - passed just like that , and all I did was time travel to my past in mind.
5 A.M ..Bangalore.. Its drizzling around,ever since night embraced clouds into its moist mouth of dreamy bliss. A warm bath and little walk till my balcony - only to wonder - is it the right time to think or feel or even write. Still in confusion.
There are colors all around - on those dull walls so profoundly filled with life in the form of colored papers, dried leaves, shells, posters and anything that seemed beautiful to my eyes when I picked them from here and there.
Or should I call these things an expression of life. But nothing better then this sound of breeze playing with the window panes and pattering rain drops so lazily spread on those frames.
It seems as if I am still travelling. It always feels like that. So much of wandering around has dislocated that nostalgic feeling of 'Known'. Everything seems estranged... everything seems my own.
Like those people I get attached to and then get detached at the same time. Those that I love and loath in continuous rhyme. Those who mattered alot once but ceased to exist since I don't know how much time. Those that are there in present but are ceased in a future dent. Those that are there since ever forever.. or who cares?? Its always those.
Yet I do care or else it wouldn't have been a chore. But why bother now? Its 5:15. I can make that out with those early morning prayers from neighborhood - They call it 'Fajr'. On the screen are colors again with some mild music spread all around in room like those sandal sticks that ma lights in morning.
There is something beautiful about mornings. They always seem to surprise me. Like some mornings are a quick realization of a long bright day full of activity. Some bring those lazy moments in bed where all you feel like doing is to have a warm cocco in your hand and be there - without moving an ounce of your body. Some warn you for a tough journey. Some bring pleasure in beginning. It also depends upon how the day evolves. Weather is always uncertain - here in Bangalore.
Guess a coffee will be apt for this morning. And I feel hungry too. A morning venture on terrace maybe? Or should I turn around and sleep. Is this entire writing of any value? Like whats so interesting about this description of what am I doing at some time in some common everyday?
5:28, Shit, why am I keeping a count of time? Is it some 'Diary entry' trip? Isn't it playing with the genre I have maintained in my blogs? But I don't have a genre. I believe in no category....Derrida's deconstruction in mind. Aah!! No side is yet another side.
But isn't it really huge to realize that in a way I am capturing this moment that won't ever come back. I am conquering Time by capturing time. But why do I wanna capture it? Coz it is more powerful than me? Or am I fantasized and obsessed with Time so much that I can't tolerate it being powerful.
But when did I enter this competition? Am I not a lover of everything Natural and Isn't Time too nature? But so are humans. and remember, I have this tendency of loving someone and loathing at the same time.
3rd December, 2015
Its 5 A.M. again... Last entire day and night it rained... Suddenly I can see a clear sky... Half Moon with Venus so high.... Constellations are also visible today....Have never seen this clear a sky in Bangalore before...
The sky has grey and silver lines all over... Wish I could have captured it.. Yet it's like a dream world...
Morning prayers could be heard from mosques from all sides... Its a spiritual state of mind.
I felt a bit scared before coming alone on terrace.. Some strange barks and howls were audible from terrace.. And yet, just a view of sky... takes away all shy..
I can feel the magic in air... Like some powers spread somewhere..
Venus seems to be out just for me.. And I am waiting for some awaited event - like vanishing into thin air right in the heart of Venus or Moon somewhere..
Its soul that is the epicenter..Its all bliss that's my mentor.
Amidst these faded gigantic white cements, below an endless silver magical dome - here I sit, coz my intuitions got me here. Here I am waiting for that cosmic sphere..
Guess I was scared too, that's why I came down so soon.. The room is full of sugary aroma, of the sweet I made an hour ago.
Wow! It suddenly feels like home. Like sitting relaxed in my warm bed, imagining the experience I just had and the coffee I am about to make. I can see some books, a mug and some colorful notes spread leisurely around. I suddenly feel happy and proud of this moment around.
Everything seems attainable suddenly. Everything happening seems bound to happen adamantly.
Wow! Just two mornings with two states of mind. I wonder whats the next step wombs. I wonder how the last step groomed.
Guess, this is progress. It always is.Only in gyres of beauty and fragility. And yet the difference is never known with a distinctive line. You won't ever know when which becomes what. They say, 'Its all in the mind'.
Time for coffee I guess.
4th Dec. 2015
I was almost waiting for 5 A.M today. It seems like a ritual just in two days. This watching moon and feeling the magical bliss in it. This waiting for the morning prayers from all around in few minutes.
Its meditative this looking at moon for so long. It seems to be playing with clouds and a bright pole star along. There is Venus too silently blooming in its own sphere. Sky is red - like a world in itself - the invisible sphere.
Aah!!! what bliss. The magic around. Dark crimson sky with silver clouds dancing by.
And now am back in my room. With lights switched off and a spiritual feel of prayers and morning darkness in room. Guess everyone is waiting for dawn. Maybe me too. Its always a pleasure to watch a new beginning.
Yet this attachment with night - this love of dark, this obsession with freedom of being into my darkest self in isolation. I hate farewells, but adore changes too. Stability for me is stagnation. I like it like a passer through. But it never stays struck to a level of a passer by. Anything I observe too closely remains somewhere deep inside.
I absorb it - what I like. and that's why it becomes difficult - leaving any situation behind. and yet, I can't even count - those night I left behind and mornings that brought me shine. Maybe I grow with them. Maybe I evolve each time growing another thick layer around my stem.
and the circumference keeps enhancing. So are my visions and dimensions. Imagination never had a hold. Its facts that keep inter-mediating and prancing.
So much for three days. Its going huge I guess -this turmoil inside my head. Yet its always a pleasure - to know new things. To give birth to new expressions and cyclic emotions.
Its a different feel altogether - like that of strength that can make you write your own history. But is it of any significance - this creating history?
Men die - but their words remain. Writer's dream - to be alive always in main frame. But the human voice keeps changing. Humans are too desperate to replace the last changeling. Aaah! funny notions of immortality and death. Crazy definitions of growing healthy and dying well. Its all in the mind, ' they say'. It all stays behind - every sun's ray.
and yet, it is the journey that matters. It is this very moment that is not scattered. It is right in this moment that my mind is in unison with cosmos around. It is this moment where despite of so many sphere around, I am only lost in this morning's sound.
It is bliss to be united with the cosmos. To feel at one with the elements that not many notice around. To listen to those sounds that seem whisps to the ears. To spectate magical cosmic spheres. It is this moment that is immortal. Maybe inside my memory or who knows in my soul's alter.
6th Dec, 2015
Say Hi to 5 A.M... I am getting more and more obsessed with this time. Last morning I missed it.. I was awake yet so lost in my own thoughts that realized it at 6 that I had missed 5. So it be. I don't want it to overpower me. This time is for me, I can't worry about my passion. It has to be with me weightless with no rules or fashion.
So it is - free, powerful, alluring and enlightening. No matter what state of mind I stay in before this time. 5 A.M and my mind gets a new rhyme. Last line I got inspired with was of Keats, 'Poet is a healer....' I lost not only the lines I had thought to reflect upon but also the entire chain of thoughts to reproduce and elaborate at this time. So powerful is this freedom of expression that it can only create an original line.
Its deadly silent today - the world around. It was Saturday yesterday, Guess Bangalore is full of sleeping people too high to feel the relief to step out of their routine life. Its as if, even weekend is a part of the routine - to go out, party, dance and socialize. When I had first visited Bangalore to live here, I was massively impressed by its clubbing sight. Sky Bar was one dream like place. Music sense of this city rushed thrill to that inner child - who felt a sort of relief - to find intellectual people with good sense and mind.
But as I became a part of the city, surviving 5 days and living in two nights.. I lived an entire month of clubbing - checking out so many pubs, meeting so many such minds. It was amazing initially, pubbing, chilling, getting dressed, leaving everything behind. And yet, in just few days, I felt lost in that sparkly blind.
I missed nature. I missed life. The people seemed robotic. Walking like machines of some kind. The localities were different - they were sensible with higher sets of mind..yet those who had not explored places- The world was ideal to them - a replica of their own city in mind. And then I suddenly observed, drinking amidst different circles of people around different tables in different parties - Heads tapping, feet tapping, but no conversations, no emotions. There were hang outs of friends from different societies . 'These are my friends from dance group (Bitchy set but still cool to hangout). With these I practice yoga (v. influential people). These are office-mates ( Don't tell them any truth about me.), '
I saw people meeting up weekend per weekend yet not exchanging any real words but 'chilling with so n so at so n so place - sloshed'..... or 'what a party last night. Don't remember what I did. Weekend couldn't have been better.'
Right after spending a month like that; I got bored, lifeless, tortured. I craved to meet some real people with expressions and emotions. and just after a month I quit my first job, Bangalore's party life and the distorted desire to find myself in this techno city. and I went for a long trip of 20 days to Andaman - a place I still can't believe I went to.
Returning back was a pain in heart but a thrill for head. Coming back to a city just a day before your next joining with tasks pending like figuring out a place to stay, friends to trust, and new work field to be all explored all over - was too much to be digested in a single go.
And there I took a vow. Not less than three trips every month. That day and the next 6 months of my job - 5 days I used to work with occasional parties, but Friday evening to Monday morning was fixed - Travel. I joined Biker's club, learned riding, explored so many places around Bangalore and realized - Life was to be alive. To let those elements merge with each other so bright. Not that I turned anti-social. But I chose my own life. Despite of being in a techno city and working in a software company, I didn't lose me, my emotions or the guts to feel delight.
Don't know what took me to that memory lane. But the morning prayers suddenly cleansed my brain .And I am back into this moment. The v. now - far off from that memory lane. Where I am sitting here in my lovely room - thinking out loud enough to transcend from idea to these black characters coming to life on screen.
Its 5:30, see the power of mind. Half an hour - passed just like that , and all I did was time travel to my past in mind.
7th Dec,2015…
Its 5 A.m. My room is full of so many people…. 6 of us…
WOW….What a moment…. We are playing guitar and singing to the topmost pitch of
our heart..and I am full of emotions… feeling like and crying and laughing both
at the same time… senti moment,… and I am full of emotions…. Such beautiful
spirits around….such amazing spirits…I wannna cry tears of joy… such bliss…
music has its own sensational chord…I m
feeling orgasm ...
So many songs that I love… and they are all free spirits…I
can identify… Like we were bound to be here together…feeling this amazing
charismatic orgasmic beautiful moment together… Songs of past…songs of heart….
We are singing….like anything….and this is
amazing…rapping…tripping….Wow,…what a moment…
5:19…Prayers around going on…I tried to make them meditate
for like half a minute on that morning prayer…wow…They can’t believe…They can’t
be silent for a moment…but still..this
music is beautiful…
I will make maalpuye for them .. they seem excited about
it.. I wanna make them happy… They gave me so much of happiness…
It’s 6 now…I can’t believe… Time is not passing only…. Like
it seems eternal..We are just living S-L-O-W-MO… (Slowmotion)….
Intellectual people…good by heart too.. Its kinda
amazing..to live it all… So many expressions…emotions..Sensations..laughter…and
abusive thrills…seems its all alive – this moment- right here…The gross and the
elegant… the beautiful and the not seen. Its all here… in this v. moment… where
life is beyond life and death…beyond time… ‘There is so much in the moment
babe’.
This is the moment…’Big boss toh ye bhi chahte hain..Big
boss to wo bhi chate hain..O Shit..Big
Boss kitna chahte hain yaar…Big Boss bahut kuch chahte hain’.
‘Parmatama wala experience aana chaiye’.
‘Big Boss chahte hain ki aap khatm ho jayein’.
9th December,
5 A.M…. Most exciting
morning so far… Feeling free, happy, secretive, unpredictable, naughty, loved
and so many things… Like its complete.. the music of the moment… Highs and lows…
the look in eyes… the breath of delight…
Its like I am biting over emotions, expressions… the pamper
and caress of sensation…. Its beautiful – the little dark secret… The three long days can’t be a full stop…
Like they are the feeling.. ‘the it’… Temprature is beyond all realms…
conversations are at some other realm..Its like a dream of ecstasy – the moment
of unreasoned thoughts – the thoughtlessness…
The snake like curves..The hopping chords…the tickling moist
whisper of a gifted whisp.. The happy whisp… wisp from past, present and future…
the stubbornness of delight and sensation.\
This moment should go on forever.. Like this v. moment of
desire.. Where I am thinking nothing… but lost in the ecstasy of desire…
The devil is a charming spirit.
It goes on head and gives a hit. And I feel empowered with joy and bliss… The
meditative 5 A.M, Kiss.
5:39
Last morning I didn't write. I was sleeping. At 5 A.M. sharp I suddenly got up on my own. And I felt it - the peace around - the happy feeling.. In my dream I thought that it was getting registered somewhere - how happy I was.. that I was writing somewhere - my exact thoughts. I woke up to see nothing typed here yes,.. But far away in my dream .. I am sure.. I wrote something.
I will go on terrace on daybreak..Like always... Its just great to welcome morning sunrays.. Its equally amazing to bid bye at dusky takes.
10th Dec, 2015
5 A.M...Good morning
Its a red stormy sky on terrace and I am sitting with a mug of coffee in my hand watching this sky in awe.
I was partially scared too - not of the unknown but the recently realized threaten to my life... But then, this faith in cosmos brought me upstairs in no time.
I can still feel it - the heavy blow on my head.. And yet, Its so reliving to identify with this stormy red.
Its strange - humankind - How we keep flipping between need of company and necessity of isolation.
I can hear a sweeper's sound - some dogs barking, some trucks passing... And the brief conversation I had a few minutes from now is still ringing in my head.
The red sky is so tempting - its calling me to enter inside its vast eternity.
Last morning at around 6:30 A.M., I was sitting here at the same place with an amazing companion. How happy I was to watch the blue sky adorned with kites and eagles flying high up in the sky.
22 hours later its the same place - but with a different vibe n feel altogether.
I feel as if I have entered my own psyche. As if I can clearly look inside. As if that storm is nothing but that intense turmoil inside.
Its a sea of reactions and anger suppressed inside - at all those places where I was helpless.. Its a sum total of hitbacks that were so essential yet never occurred. And yet the soul seeks for its usual composed state of bliss and peace.
Yeah! I am pretty calm these days, doing the normal routine work in extraordinary ways... Yeah, I am still paving my own ways... But something is distorted - maybe the reason of the entire journey... Maybe the journey itself.
Guess that's what makes me apt for my situation - Mystical Wanderer - gotta face the world strong enough for her own creation.
I have recently observed an interesting fact in many writings - specially of that of romantic era. Everyone is obsessed with its own creation - scared of its own offspring and nurturer for its own death.
Marry Shelley's Frankenstein, represented her own inner fears, energy of which came true in her real life. Keats - always lamenting about pre - deaths, met the same plight. Byron had to face defame as fame for its characters. Shelley's ghost came true as death and a real factor.
Aaah!!! I can hear the morning prayers around. Someone told me these sounds disturb dark spirits and send them away. I wonder if that spirit was ever outside and not in every night and each day?
I have seen some people keeping all fasts, following all rituals - turning into animals. I have seen the biggest of feminists turning into chauvinists... Where is the difference? Where is the line? These people singing rituals - do they draw the lines?
Marriages happen with purest of devotions and emotions. And then, it happens - the sudden changes, the demotions.
Alas! Its all a pool of moss, pulling you inside - its dark chilled frost.
I try to find an escape in nature. Rather, that's the only place where I find my signature. That's where I find myself. That's where I loose both 'I' and 'self'.
Time to go to my room.
I am back in my room... Suddenly its a blank screen again. Like a new beginning after a new end. Now this is a perfect morning. New, fresh, fragile dawning. Aaah! it seems like a creature to me - my 5 A.M. Morning. It seems mine - this point of time. No one can fuck with it - the peace, this tyranny of bliss before sunshine.
and exactly that's where I become a slave of my own creation. Like fixing up things in advance, like trying to control a nation. Chuck it!!! Let it be free!! Let it flow. and it will do wonders - with sensations it will grow. Welcome it all - the kisses the growl. Its a world of wonders - the heaven and thunder.
11th Dec, 2015
Its 5:15 A.M. . Not that I was sleeping or I missed the time but I was working and I had to complete it. Or else, I would have missed the flow.
Nevertheless, Morning prayers, chants around. I am fully active, working whole night on sounds. No coffee till now today. Gotta make it, but this is more tempting - this - this time of mine. Guess coffee is still essential now.
I can hear so many sounds today - Like the city is suddenly extra active. Its Friday today - I remember the feeling - of Friday. How industrial world effected us long back. We are still enslaved, we are still in chains.
But I somehow feel free. Like I have no anxiety - to get this or become that. I know wherever I have to reach I will get that. Now this is some supernatural kinda feeling. Or maybe a convincing act. But this definitely will lead me somewhere - Somewhere like that in head.
The utopian world of Love and peace. The world where its always bliss indeed.
And now I can hear the neighborhood girl. Its the first time I have heard her laughing. She is strange - that girl. Like I tried befriending her many times, but she was hardly even polite. She stays inside her doors. Or maybe its because we have opposite times. But these days I am in my room everytime. But she is never seen - outside or even behind. How come she breath in - inside - that too in a corner room, no window , a dark hide.
Ha Ha, suddenly feeling bitchy and judgmental. Like why is it bothering me if she stays inside? Whats my problem - that she stays inside or is never polite? Or is it coz of some ego from my side, that can't handle some ego from other side.
Well, its complicated I guess. But I am sure, this is not the best topic that I shouldn't miss.
Cool, so lemme come back to my life. Aaah!!! Not again. I can't go on with this verbal self proclaimatory ride.
I am feeling like impressing some random guy - whose voice I can hear from outside. And I am typing more efficiently feeling intelligent and foolish at the same time.
Missing mom alot today. Her voice, her hug, her love, her care. I felt great today when she was the first person who came in my mind while struggling with some historical facts. She always knows it all. How does she manage to be that available for all my needs, for whatever she is told. I love her the most in the world.
Its weird to think how my mind actually rings. Like few minutes back I was working on some literature facts. Then came to morning reality, then some other era, then again reality and then to the world of dreams. Its killer, this mind's stream.
12th December
5 A.M.
With a bite of poha and sip of coffee... It's a lovely morning... Happy... in Peace... in Bliss... I am at some other realm. Like the realm of dreams where difference between reality and dream becomes non-existent.
a bite of something delicious, something home-made, simply fills energy in the entire system. Lat morning I spent more than 2 hours on terrace, listening to Ashtravakra Geeta - watching that endless sky and in its boundless eternity - some Garudas flying high. It was meditative the entire time. I was all lost in those words and sky and imagination. It was beautiful - being there.
Now days Moon is not visible at all. Either its because of Moon's cycle or the cloudy sky of Bangalore.
Iam listening to some crazy music. It is causing goosebumps in my senses. It is giving tremors to that wild inside.
Its amazing to just imagine green - to thing of those mountains, forests, the blue and green streams. Its been few days that I have travelled. Craving for it now. So wanna sit in the hollow space of some tree. Wanna float in the middle of some river. To trek and reach huge heights and then watch that dome like sparkling sky.
Its always intense, morning 5 A.M. Like I travel in these moments - to different ifs and thens. Or maybe they are all already existing. The unending tunnels, the loop-less holes, The journey to that inner psyche, the journey from roots to stem. But then its all cyclic. how we are born, How we become analytical. How we keep adopting to everything arou nd. How our own unique self - we forget to register.
But then some moments, where all are mental elements are cordinant. Where 5 elements of mind, body and ambiance keep exchanging their energy and hierarchy, yet you remain unaffected. Or even if they affect you, you remain aware of being affected.
Something that you look with love and awe can also scare you at times. Its all in our minds, all in our minds. The beautiful couple of Hawks I love to watch every morning from my terrace, well they nowadays pass over me - so close. And times suddenly. At times unintentionaly. They dash towards me as if they gonna bang me, But then at the last moment glide to some other direction. At times they give me a special show. Like just for me. Wherever I go, they fly and play only upon the terrace of thee.
Guess, this is human nature - to Somehow build a story. To connect the dots.
12th Dec, 2015
5 A.M sharp. Just had my morning coffee... Have also checked out the stars. Last morning I didn't write. I slept at quarter to 5. Till 6 I was waiting for the time to be 5 in my mind. Never mind. Its a new morning tonight. Alas! I can never differentiate - this time of morning or this time of night.
Its been almost 3 days, I didn't get time for myself at all. It feels so free and nice - to have to myself - my heart's cosy stall. But its making me curious too. How come I think that way. How come I feel this sway.
But like always, I live each of my emotions. Guess, I am a Romantic that way.
I feel bit heartless these days. As if I have lost that soft, lovable corner inside. As if she is dead - the bubbly me - the excitement of child. Not that I don't get happy or something. But my take, decisions, life - everything is turning is getting drowned in a large dump of judgments.
I try to come out of it. I try to feel the entity-lessness; the boundless, eternal universal skit. But then, the characters on stage all appear and cover. The platform of mine, the engine's gear.
Am I giving my control in others' hands? Not really. On the other hand, I have become stubborn in terms of my stand. I am growing to be less flexible when it comes to compromising in most trivial issues.
I was pretty chilled out this way. For me, Time limits had ceased to exist. Even priorities with my heart used to change.
But its different now. Like not only my priorities and focus area has narrowed down to fewer aspects with stronger force but the content involved is much wider than I could have ever hoped.
And I wonder if I have gained a position far too stable than required. Or is it that abstract that even from all those that love me, it can't be acquired.
More I get sure of my aims, more I feel lost in many names. And I wait for some Godot to suddenly realize, what all I have, what all can be utilized. Many arts and creative pursuits pull me to their side. Many material concepts try to dissuade my mind. and yet, I feel as if I am awestruck at times. Life definitely is faster than normal in my song's rhymes. But than it also seems so awfully slow and repeatative. Like wherever I go - there are same forms of being chaotic and meditative.
And I don't know at which angle exactly do I wish to turn my life. I don't know which situation exactly it is - into I wish to collide.
And there with time I simply compromise. I wonder if it is faith in my fate or a patience devise. Am I really happy with what I have and where I am. I guess so. But are all my wishes and desires over. Not at all. But isn't it a driving force of my life - to wish and make some of them true and then wish more and try to make them all true and then one day die and maybe have another wish attached with it to die in a particular way and still be left with some unfulfilled desires, some broken hearts, some hidden pyres.
Morning prayers. 5:20 exact. These prayers if nothing else, definitely bring me back to the moment every morning. They break my chain of thoughts and kind of create Brecht's critical distance where I suddenly see myself typing something random and there I get a reality check.
Ashtravakra Geeta mentions three kinds of selves exisiting at the same time. The soul, i.e, life energy inside; the doer, i.e., the body that experiences all senses outside, and the third that realizes it all - both the realm of thoughts and the realm where there are no thoughts.
Its a blank feeling suddenly. As if Ether element is dominant in my mind right now. As if I have no thoughts at all. And yet, even this is a thought.
So I will leave it here with this thoughtless thought - the Ether like water in the season of drought.
15th Dec, 2015
5 A.M Sharp... Can't believe.. I just went for a real quick shower.. like a 30 second one... coz I wanted that cold jhatka at 5 A.M. .. and I am dripping all over,.. and its exciting, amazing, crazy and fabulous.
After around 15 minutes of intense dancing, a cold bath was essential. And it has all its refreshing aura of that music connection - raw and spontaneous. And it feels so elevated. I am thankful for the moment. And I can hear sounds of unison, can fee those burns of communion with fire. Can feel the ecstasy of expression, can be in this moment forever.. or maybe this moment can't be relived but a new moment could be created - better or worst - but different.
and this moment will remain intact - like this - forever - in those realms of my heart and mind - my spirit where all my elements and emotional hormones are together - like in the moment - in this very moment.
Living the moment is what I have learned the most from this 5 A.M meditations... And everyday from 6:30 to 8:30 I spend my time gazing that endless sky with music of nature at times or Ashtravakra Geeta or some music of my choice. and the sky speaks volumes. It shows those images so life like images - yet all illusions - just like our life.
They become events playing with those soft white like entities called clouds just like our selves. And the wind keeps blowing those clouds in a chain of events - thrashing, caressing them - making htem all create a stage of life - out there in the sky.
Its beautiful to share right now with a beautiful soul. And this moment is so beautiful - so pure.
I don't know why but I am kind of waiting for the morning prayers today. And yet, there is that loud cry inside to not let htis very moment break ever by choice. and I want to stay in it - for as long as I can. With these beautiful aromatic musical notes flowing all around my soul.
and this mind which is getting those beautiful glimpses of sea, mountains, passions and emotions.
Feeling like travelling so desperately. V. soon.... V. soon.
16th Dec,
5 A.M...
I am being a victim of gluttony and its so amazing to suffer. If morning begins with buttered loafs and brewing coffee... well, its an entire day's revival shudder.Reading about 19th centuries these days. Literature is so vast.. More I try to surf over it, more it pulls me to its endless depths. That's given with the fact that our imagination too has no begining and no ending. We are free flowing elements just like these words or sounds travelling all around us since centuries - merging in different permutations and combinations.
Its amazing know how at sharp 5 everyday my fingers automatically begin to type, my mind on its own takes this privilege to wander wherever it wants and yet switching between mediums of metal and non- metals, I keep bouncing like a ball in different games as different names.
5:17
I am on my terrace. I can hear some distant dogs barking. I woke up last evening to a series of messages from my friends, 'Check out the Moon tonight. It's beautiful.'
Entire night I tried to have a to have a glimpse of it. Rather I came here this morning for the sane but sky is too cloudy for even stars to be visible now.
5:20
Morning prayers. Wow they are so punctual. I can hear a couple of footsteps from street below. Some windows are giving traces of their existence with sudden mild lights peeping desperately from their dreamy psyches out to the sirens of morning prayers, of a rising sky.
17th Dec
5 A.M again...
And I feel like a chronicler trying to register some fragments of illusions to gain those halts while trekking only to be in that moment and not think about either the journey underwent or the journey henceforth, but be in the present halt and live it all.
I am sitting happily with a mug of freshly brewed cocco, inside a room full of flute's music with mind in that meditative calm after that feeling of awe.
I felt like sharing my highly volatile nervous system still charged with the movie 'The Christmas carol' That I was watching before this. But then the sudden peace that I attained forbade me to mention it.. After all it's all about this v. moment that I celebrate writing at 5 A.M. But isn't it my each thought that becomes my each moment, Do not I transcend into past, present, future; to some imaginative nature; to far away emotions - all but with a fragment of my thought. So here I flow with the flow sprinkling in my journey at every step, at every ride.
It's a beautiful moment - this moment. And I feel blessed, thankful and complete right now.
Half an hour before I was speculating my own life. Was wondering if I am doing everything right. Was brooding over my decisions so far and the possibilities in coming time. I thought of the futility of human life and curiosity to know my own coming life. But then will it be exciting if I will know what's coming in awaited time.
So here I live in my very present, having no regrets, holding no presumptions; but an 'unconflicted rejoice in Love' - Love for everything around and inside me. Love for each particle of our universe and the life in it. Love for all whom I have ever hurt and to those who erred me.
Morning Prayers seem bit disturbing to my thoughts today. But I think, every sound, every fragment around - everything plays a crucial role - in making our cosmos - the way it is. And I love it - the way it is.
True there are some changes that are required, but were changes not always required. or if not, then we would have never evolved. We would have never lived.
So I welcome all changes in my life . It is from changes that I learn, that I grow. Even if I consider events in my life as illusions but take them all alive - even then, the moments are continuosly changing. and that is what makes it the perfect story of my life. That is what fills life in my soul's journey - a chapter called Life.
Cheers to Love. Cheers to Life.
and I leave it here with a fresh smile.Smile - just to feel that I am alive.
18th Dec,
5 A.M
I came out out drooping with water again just to make it on time. My breakfast is all passionate to be consumed in the kitchen. All I need to do is - get it.
So, with delicacies spread around, in room - violin's sound, here I begin my morning - feeling lost in the dungeons of some other world. It seems a strange movie to me - the one I was watching before - it has some hidden dark side of it that communicates an aura of something real real bad inside yet somehow conveys the innocence out on screen.
I wonder, why do I struggle so much every morning at 5. I mean I suddenly get pregnant with some crazy idea and then it becomes an adventure to make it true. In a way I am being pampered by myself. Some day I decide to begin 5 with food around, some day after a fresh bath's hound. At times I clean my entire place waiting for 5 to arrive. At times I just wanna do nothing but stay in bed to spend those lazy moments cuddling 5. 5 A.M is growing on my nerves in a beautiful way. It connects me to the reality yet take me far far away from it. My reality turns into a dream - a fascination - where all I do is be in it.
Why, it's just some time before I had my last 5 A.M. euphoria. I don't feel like meeting anyone these days. So enthralled am I with Literature, History and theater. So many stories, so many characters. Aah!! I can get into their heads and live with them all. Some are partially true - telling tales of centuries before. Some are mere constructions of minds written beside some floating sea-shore.
And its just 5 A.M that I realize after every night. My sleep happens at most uncalled times and at times I get confused between dawn and dusk's rhyme. Why its just last afternoon that afternoon prayers suddenly gave me a shock making me wonder - if I had missed my 5 A.M time.
And I live from one dawn to another, suddenly realizing every morning that one more day is over and everyday I fail to recall or recollect what I did after my last morning time.
5:25
Wow, even Morning Prayers don't break my flow these days. Guess am getting more comfortable with my morning time.
So it already seems so insane and obsessive that I will be considered a lunatic if I will mention anything more about 5 A.M today at this time, But guess, I won't regret it. I so value this moment's rhyme.
5 A.M again. Wow, after so many days did I sleep the entire night and even woke up at 4 to ensure 5. I have taken a long long hot shower and here I am in an amazing mood to date 5 A.M. Guess I so required that sleep. Feeling so refreshed and happy suddenly. Not at all feeling like wearing anything - its this purity, this aroma of body wash, this familiar morning fragrance of my room, oh, I wanna stay with it. So beautiful is this moment.
I have filled my room with Morning Ragas today and the music is so mystical. It is taking me to hidden chambers of my own inner psyche, pleading me to look inside, as if there is something that I must know, that I am missing somehow. But its too short a connection with it, to understand it completely.
Its too strong - the blows of enchanting stick - it takes me to levels that I may usually miss. and yet, just like my dreams, I forget all that I realize or learn. It becomes so comprehensible but suddenly gets washed like a little shell on sea side.
I wonder, from where do I get so many dreams. Every night I dream of something new. Lemme share a secret with you 5 A.M, when I was much younger, I used to get visions. Do you understand what visions are? You are a magical entity, you must be knowing it. So ya, on closure of my lashes at any time, I used to see so many scenes, so many enticing and amazing geographical dimensions. At times I was alone on the top of some isolated gigantic mountain in between thousands of others similar cliffs and I used to lie somewhere on its peak, looking at that lonely bright sunshine, as if I was stone. At times, the scenes used to keep moving like a movie, as if I was travelling and looking something spectacular through some window. Mind you, I was not a traveler back then. I wasn't even aware of all those places. And yet, it was all so empowering and awe-inspiring to be a part of that huge a grandiloquence.
Now when I travel so so much and see those never known places, I get into a De-za-woo Talisman so often. and I wonder, how come I had seen so many places well in advance? Trust me, my travels were so pre-written, I had seen them all coming without even realizing it at that time.
And those were just my visions. Lemme tell you a secret about my dreams too. It has happened with me so often that some random dreams of mine came true. That I had seen deaths of some people, that I had seen people getting fortunes some times, and maybe my dreams occurred bit differently, but somehow everything came true with full might. Not that all my dreams come true, but I know or get effected only with the potent ones.
Now all this must be seeming so crazy and that is why I never mention all this anywhere but I feel its time to accept all truths of my life. I feel, its time to recognize the mysteries of my self when I was child.
But ya, I get scared too at times. When I become a part of my bad dreams. But that happens v. rarely. My dreams are mostly happy. They become bad because of my interpretation - say if I watch my own marriage happening or something. But when unknown people enter my dreams, it makes me curious and happy - it makes me wonder about how will I meet them in reality.
5:27 Morning prayers are happening for past 7 minutes but Morning Ragas had taken over the prayers. Its beautiful to - this moment. And sharing what I just shared made me feel so happy, as if I have finally accepted the mystery of it. As if I am one with it.
So, here I leave with love, peace and a happy smile.
5 A.M...Good morning
Its a red stormy sky on terrace and I am sitting with a mug of coffee in my hand watching this sky in awe.
I was partially scared too - not of the unknown but the recently realized threaten to my life... But then, this faith in cosmos brought me upstairs in no time.
I can still feel it - the heavy blow on my head.. And yet, Its so reliving to identify with this stormy red.
Its strange - humankind - How we keep flipping between need of company and necessity of isolation.
I can hear a sweeper's sound - some dogs barking, some trucks passing... And the brief conversation I had a few minutes from now is still ringing in my head.
The red sky is so tempting - its calling me to enter inside its vast eternity.
Last morning at around 6:30 A.M., I was sitting here at the same place with an amazing companion. How happy I was to watch the blue sky adorned with kites and eagles flying high up in the sky.
22 hours later its the same place - but with a different vibe n feel altogether.
I feel as if I have entered my own psyche. As if I can clearly look inside. As if that storm is nothing but that intense turmoil inside.
Its a sea of reactions and anger suppressed inside - at all those places where I was helpless.. Its a sum total of hitbacks that were so essential yet never occurred. And yet the soul seeks for its usual composed state of bliss and peace.
Yeah! I am pretty calm these days, doing the normal routine work in extraordinary ways... Yeah, I am still paving my own ways... But something is distorted - maybe the reason of the entire journey... Maybe the journey itself.
Guess that's what makes me apt for my situation - Mystical Wanderer - gotta face the world strong enough for her own creation.
I have recently observed an interesting fact in many writings - specially of that of romantic era. Everyone is obsessed with its own creation - scared of its own offspring and nurturer for its own death.
Marry Shelley's Frankenstein, represented her own inner fears, energy of which came true in her real life. Keats - always lamenting about pre - deaths, met the same plight. Byron had to face defame as fame for its characters. Shelley's ghost came true as death and a real factor.
Aaah!!! I can hear the morning prayers around. Someone told me these sounds disturb dark spirits and send them away. I wonder if that spirit was ever outside and not in every night and each day?
I have seen some people keeping all fasts, following all rituals - turning into animals. I have seen the biggest of feminists turning into chauvinists... Where is the difference? Where is the line? These people singing rituals - do they draw the lines?
Marriages happen with purest of devotions and emotions. And then, it happens - the sudden changes, the demotions.
Alas! Its all a pool of moss, pulling you inside - its dark chilled frost.
I try to find an escape in nature. Rather, that's the only place where I find my signature. That's where I find myself. That's where I loose both 'I' and 'self'.
Time to go to my room.
I am back in my room... Suddenly its a blank screen again. Like a new beginning after a new end. Now this is a perfect morning. New, fresh, fragile dawning. Aaah! it seems like a creature to me - my 5 A.M. Morning. It seems mine - this point of time. No one can fuck with it - the peace, this tyranny of bliss before sunshine.
and exactly that's where I become a slave of my own creation. Like fixing up things in advance, like trying to control a nation. Chuck it!!! Let it be free!! Let it flow. and it will do wonders - with sensations it will grow. Welcome it all - the kisses the growl. Its a world of wonders - the heaven and thunder.
11th Dec, 2015
Its 5:15 A.M. . Not that I was sleeping or I missed the time but I was working and I had to complete it. Or else, I would have missed the flow.
Nevertheless, Morning prayers, chants around. I am fully active, working whole night on sounds. No coffee till now today. Gotta make it, but this is more tempting - this - this time of mine. Guess coffee is still essential now.
I can hear so many sounds today - Like the city is suddenly extra active. Its Friday today - I remember the feeling - of Friday. How industrial world effected us long back. We are still enslaved, we are still in chains.
But I somehow feel free. Like I have no anxiety - to get this or become that. I know wherever I have to reach I will get that. Now this is some supernatural kinda feeling. Or maybe a convincing act. But this definitely will lead me somewhere - Somewhere like that in head.
The utopian world of Love and peace. The world where its always bliss indeed.
And now I can hear the neighborhood girl. Its the first time I have heard her laughing. She is strange - that girl. Like I tried befriending her many times, but she was hardly even polite. She stays inside her doors. Or maybe its because we have opposite times. But these days I am in my room everytime. But she is never seen - outside or even behind. How come she breath in - inside - that too in a corner room, no window , a dark hide.
Ha Ha, suddenly feeling bitchy and judgmental. Like why is it bothering me if she stays inside? Whats my problem - that she stays inside or is never polite? Or is it coz of some ego from my side, that can't handle some ego from other side.
Well, its complicated I guess. But I am sure, this is not the best topic that I shouldn't miss.
Cool, so lemme come back to my life. Aaah!!! Not again. I can't go on with this verbal self proclaimatory ride.
I am feeling like impressing some random guy - whose voice I can hear from outside. And I am typing more efficiently feeling intelligent and foolish at the same time.
Missing mom alot today. Her voice, her hug, her love, her care. I felt great today when she was the first person who came in my mind while struggling with some historical facts. She always knows it all. How does she manage to be that available for all my needs, for whatever she is told. I love her the most in the world.
Its weird to think how my mind actually rings. Like few minutes back I was working on some literature facts. Then came to morning reality, then some other era, then again reality and then to the world of dreams. Its killer, this mind's stream.
12th December
5 A.M.
With a bite of poha and sip of coffee... It's a lovely morning... Happy... in Peace... in Bliss... I am at some other realm. Like the realm of dreams where difference between reality and dream becomes non-existent.
a bite of something delicious, something home-made, simply fills energy in the entire system. Lat morning I spent more than 2 hours on terrace, listening to Ashtravakra Geeta - watching that endless sky and in its boundless eternity - some Garudas flying high. It was meditative the entire time. I was all lost in those words and sky and imagination. It was beautiful - being there.
Now days Moon is not visible at all. Either its because of Moon's cycle or the cloudy sky of Bangalore.
Iam listening to some crazy music. It is causing goosebumps in my senses. It is giving tremors to that wild inside.
Its amazing to just imagine green - to thing of those mountains, forests, the blue and green streams. Its been few days that I have travelled. Craving for it now. So wanna sit in the hollow space of some tree. Wanna float in the middle of some river. To trek and reach huge heights and then watch that dome like sparkling sky.
Its always intense, morning 5 A.M. Like I travel in these moments - to different ifs and thens. Or maybe they are all already existing. The unending tunnels, the loop-less holes, The journey to that inner psyche, the journey from roots to stem. But then its all cyclic. how we are born, How we become analytical. How we keep adopting to everything arou nd. How our own unique self - we forget to register.
But then some moments, where all are mental elements are cordinant. Where 5 elements of mind, body and ambiance keep exchanging their energy and hierarchy, yet you remain unaffected. Or even if they affect you, you remain aware of being affected.
Something that you look with love and awe can also scare you at times. Its all in our minds, all in our minds. The beautiful couple of Hawks I love to watch every morning from my terrace, well they nowadays pass over me - so close. And times suddenly. At times unintentionaly. They dash towards me as if they gonna bang me, But then at the last moment glide to some other direction. At times they give me a special show. Like just for me. Wherever I go, they fly and play only upon the terrace of thee.
Guess, this is human nature - to Somehow build a story. To connect the dots.
12th Dec, 2015
5 A.M sharp. Just had my morning coffee... Have also checked out the stars. Last morning I didn't write. I slept at quarter to 5. Till 6 I was waiting for the time to be 5 in my mind. Never mind. Its a new morning tonight. Alas! I can never differentiate - this time of morning or this time of night.
Its been almost 3 days, I didn't get time for myself at all. It feels so free and nice - to have to myself - my heart's cosy stall. But its making me curious too. How come I think that way. How come I feel this sway.
But like always, I live each of my emotions. Guess, I am a Romantic that way.
I feel bit heartless these days. As if I have lost that soft, lovable corner inside. As if she is dead - the bubbly me - the excitement of child. Not that I don't get happy or something. But my take, decisions, life - everything is turning is getting drowned in a large dump of judgments.
I try to come out of it. I try to feel the entity-lessness; the boundless, eternal universal skit. But then, the characters on stage all appear and cover. The platform of mine, the engine's gear.
Am I giving my control in others' hands? Not really. On the other hand, I have become stubborn in terms of my stand. I am growing to be less flexible when it comes to compromising in most trivial issues.
I was pretty chilled out this way. For me, Time limits had ceased to exist. Even priorities with my heart used to change.
But its different now. Like not only my priorities and focus area has narrowed down to fewer aspects with stronger force but the content involved is much wider than I could have ever hoped.
And I wonder if I have gained a position far too stable than required. Or is it that abstract that even from all those that love me, it can't be acquired.
More I get sure of my aims, more I feel lost in many names. And I wait for some Godot to suddenly realize, what all I have, what all can be utilized. Many arts and creative pursuits pull me to their side. Many material concepts try to dissuade my mind. and yet, I feel as if I am awestruck at times. Life definitely is faster than normal in my song's rhymes. But than it also seems so awfully slow and repeatative. Like wherever I go - there are same forms of being chaotic and meditative.
And I don't know at which angle exactly do I wish to turn my life. I don't know which situation exactly it is - into I wish to collide.
And there with time I simply compromise. I wonder if it is faith in my fate or a patience devise. Am I really happy with what I have and where I am. I guess so. But are all my wishes and desires over. Not at all. But isn't it a driving force of my life - to wish and make some of them true and then wish more and try to make them all true and then one day die and maybe have another wish attached with it to die in a particular way and still be left with some unfulfilled desires, some broken hearts, some hidden pyres.
Morning prayers. 5:20 exact. These prayers if nothing else, definitely bring me back to the moment every morning. They break my chain of thoughts and kind of create Brecht's critical distance where I suddenly see myself typing something random and there I get a reality check.
Ashtravakra Geeta mentions three kinds of selves exisiting at the same time. The soul, i.e, life energy inside; the doer, i.e., the body that experiences all senses outside, and the third that realizes it all - both the realm of thoughts and the realm where there are no thoughts.
Its a blank feeling suddenly. As if Ether element is dominant in my mind right now. As if I have no thoughts at all. And yet, even this is a thought.
So I will leave it here with this thoughtless thought - the Ether like water in the season of drought.
15th Dec, 2015
5 A.M Sharp... Can't believe.. I just went for a real quick shower.. like a 30 second one... coz I wanted that cold jhatka at 5 A.M. .. and I am dripping all over,.. and its exciting, amazing, crazy and fabulous.
After around 15 minutes of intense dancing, a cold bath was essential. And it has all its refreshing aura of that music connection - raw and spontaneous. And it feels so elevated. I am thankful for the moment. And I can hear sounds of unison, can fee those burns of communion with fire. Can feel the ecstasy of expression, can be in this moment forever.. or maybe this moment can't be relived but a new moment could be created - better or worst - but different.
and this moment will remain intact - like this - forever - in those realms of my heart and mind - my spirit where all my elements and emotional hormones are together - like in the moment - in this very moment.
Living the moment is what I have learned the most from this 5 A.M meditations... And everyday from 6:30 to 8:30 I spend my time gazing that endless sky with music of nature at times or Ashtravakra Geeta or some music of my choice. and the sky speaks volumes. It shows those images so life like images - yet all illusions - just like our life.
They become events playing with those soft white like entities called clouds just like our selves. And the wind keeps blowing those clouds in a chain of events - thrashing, caressing them - making htem all create a stage of life - out there in the sky.
Its beautiful to share right now with a beautiful soul. And this moment is so beautiful - so pure.
I don't know why but I am kind of waiting for the morning prayers today. And yet, there is that loud cry inside to not let htis very moment break ever by choice. and I want to stay in it - for as long as I can. With these beautiful aromatic musical notes flowing all around my soul.
and this mind which is getting those beautiful glimpses of sea, mountains, passions and emotions.
Feeling like travelling so desperately. V. soon.... V. soon.
16th Dec,
5 A.M...
I am being a victim of gluttony and its so amazing to suffer. If morning begins with buttered loafs and brewing coffee... well, its an entire day's revival shudder.Reading about 19th centuries these days. Literature is so vast.. More I try to surf over it, more it pulls me to its endless depths. That's given with the fact that our imagination too has no begining and no ending. We are free flowing elements just like these words or sounds travelling all around us since centuries - merging in different permutations and combinations.
Its amazing know how at sharp 5 everyday my fingers automatically begin to type, my mind on its own takes this privilege to wander wherever it wants and yet switching between mediums of metal and non- metals, I keep bouncing like a ball in different games as different names.
5:17
I am on my terrace. I can hear some distant dogs barking. I woke up last evening to a series of messages from my friends, 'Check out the Moon tonight. It's beautiful.'
Entire night I tried to have a to have a glimpse of it. Rather I came here this morning for the sane but sky is too cloudy for even stars to be visible now.
5:20
Morning prayers. Wow they are so punctual. I can hear a couple of footsteps from street below. Some windows are giving traces of their existence with sudden mild lights peeping desperately from their dreamy psyches out to the sirens of morning prayers, of a rising sky.
5:33
I am still feeling capturing the fleeting moments - the blissful state of mind I am in, the snoring sounds I can hear, the delicious morning aroma I can smell - This, very moment of my existence.
17th Dec
5 A.M again...
And I feel like a chronicler trying to register some fragments of illusions to gain those halts while trekking only to be in that moment and not think about either the journey underwent or the journey henceforth, but be in the present halt and live it all.
I am sitting happily with a mug of freshly brewed cocco, inside a room full of flute's music with mind in that meditative calm after that feeling of awe.
I felt like sharing my highly volatile nervous system still charged with the movie 'The Christmas carol' That I was watching before this. But then the sudden peace that I attained forbade me to mention it.. After all it's all about this v. moment that I celebrate writing at 5 A.M. But isn't it my each thought that becomes my each moment, Do not I transcend into past, present, future; to some imaginative nature; to far away emotions - all but with a fragment of my thought. So here I flow with the flow sprinkling in my journey at every step, at every ride.
It's a beautiful moment - this moment. And I feel blessed, thankful and complete right now.
Half an hour before I was speculating my own life. Was wondering if I am doing everything right. Was brooding over my decisions so far and the possibilities in coming time. I thought of the futility of human life and curiosity to know my own coming life. But then will it be exciting if I will know what's coming in awaited time.
So here I live in my very present, having no regrets, holding no presumptions; but an 'unconflicted rejoice in Love' - Love for everything around and inside me. Love for each particle of our universe and the life in it. Love for all whom I have ever hurt and to those who erred me.
Morning Prayers seem bit disturbing to my thoughts today. But I think, every sound, every fragment around - everything plays a crucial role - in making our cosmos - the way it is. And I love it - the way it is.
True there are some changes that are required, but were changes not always required. or if not, then we would have never evolved. We would have never lived.
So I welcome all changes in my life . It is from changes that I learn, that I grow. Even if I consider events in my life as illusions but take them all alive - even then, the moments are continuosly changing. and that is what makes it the perfect story of my life. That is what fills life in my soul's journey - a chapter called Life.
Cheers to Love. Cheers to Life.
and I leave it here with a fresh smile.Smile - just to feel that I am alive.
18th Dec,
5 A.M
I came out out drooping with water again just to make it on time. My breakfast is all passionate to be consumed in the kitchen. All I need to do is - get it.
So, with delicacies spread around, in room - violin's sound, here I begin my morning - feeling lost in the dungeons of some other world. It seems a strange movie to me - the one I was watching before - it has some hidden dark side of it that communicates an aura of something real real bad inside yet somehow conveys the innocence out on screen.
I wonder, why do I struggle so much every morning at 5. I mean I suddenly get pregnant with some crazy idea and then it becomes an adventure to make it true. In a way I am being pampered by myself. Some day I decide to begin 5 with food around, some day after a fresh bath's hound. At times I clean my entire place waiting for 5 to arrive. At times I just wanna do nothing but stay in bed to spend those lazy moments cuddling 5. 5 A.M is growing on my nerves in a beautiful way. It connects me to the reality yet take me far far away from it. My reality turns into a dream - a fascination - where all I do is be in it.
Why, it's just some time before I had my last 5 A.M. euphoria. I don't feel like meeting anyone these days. So enthralled am I with Literature, History and theater. So many stories, so many characters. Aah!! I can get into their heads and live with them all. Some are partially true - telling tales of centuries before. Some are mere constructions of minds written beside some floating sea-shore.
And its just 5 A.M that I realize after every night. My sleep happens at most uncalled times and at times I get confused between dawn and dusk's rhyme. Why its just last afternoon that afternoon prayers suddenly gave me a shock making me wonder - if I had missed my 5 A.M time.
And I live from one dawn to another, suddenly realizing every morning that one more day is over and everyday I fail to recall or recollect what I did after my last morning time.
5:25
Wow, even Morning Prayers don't break my flow these days. Guess am getting more comfortable with my morning time.
So it already seems so insane and obsessive that I will be considered a lunatic if I will mention anything more about 5 A.M today at this time, But guess, I won't regret it. I so value this moment's rhyme.
19th Dec,
I have filled my room with Morning Ragas today and the music is so mystical. It is taking me to hidden chambers of my own inner psyche, pleading me to look inside, as if there is something that I must know, that I am missing somehow. But its too short a connection with it, to understand it completely.
Its too strong - the blows of enchanting stick - it takes me to levels that I may usually miss. and yet, just like my dreams, I forget all that I realize or learn. It becomes so comprehensible but suddenly gets washed like a little shell on sea side.
I wonder, from where do I get so many dreams. Every night I dream of something new. Lemme share a secret with you 5 A.M, when I was much younger, I used to get visions. Do you understand what visions are? You are a magical entity, you must be knowing it. So ya, on closure of my lashes at any time, I used to see so many scenes, so many enticing and amazing geographical dimensions. At times I was alone on the top of some isolated gigantic mountain in between thousands of others similar cliffs and I used to lie somewhere on its peak, looking at that lonely bright sunshine, as if I was stone. At times, the scenes used to keep moving like a movie, as if I was travelling and looking something spectacular through some window. Mind you, I was not a traveler back then. I wasn't even aware of all those places. And yet, it was all so empowering and awe-inspiring to be a part of that huge a grandiloquence.
Now when I travel so so much and see those never known places, I get into a De-za-woo Talisman so often. and I wonder, how come I had seen so many places well in advance? Trust me, my travels were so pre-written, I had seen them all coming without even realizing it at that time.
And those were just my visions. Lemme tell you a secret about my dreams too. It has happened with me so often that some random dreams of mine came true. That I had seen deaths of some people, that I had seen people getting fortunes some times, and maybe my dreams occurred bit differently, but somehow everything came true with full might. Not that all my dreams come true, but I know or get effected only with the potent ones.
Now all this must be seeming so crazy and that is why I never mention all this anywhere but I feel its time to accept all truths of my life. I feel, its time to recognize the mysteries of my self when I was child.
But ya, I get scared too at times. When I become a part of my bad dreams. But that happens v. rarely. My dreams are mostly happy. They become bad because of my interpretation - say if I watch my own marriage happening or something. But when unknown people enter my dreams, it makes me curious and happy - it makes me wonder about how will I meet them in reality.
5:27 Morning prayers are happening for past 7 minutes but Morning Ragas had taken over the prayers. Its beautiful to - this moment. And sharing what I just shared made me feel so happy, as if I have finally accepted the mystery of it. As if I am one with it.
So, here I leave with love, peace and a happy smile.
21st Dec
5 A.M
I wrote something yesterday at 5 and then so sleepy was I that I don't know where it went... Ha Ha... Seems so lame. But that's true.
So here I return to 5 A.M . I am not at my usual place tonight so it's not the same feel. But that's what it's all about right - living the moment - being the change.
Guess I need a splash of love... Guess I need a caress of JAL... So off I go to give my face a splash of chilled drops from some fountain only to imagine it's source - it's home : the river... the cliffs... The forest.... Oh!!!! How I am craving for nature.... How I die to travel... A week left and then I will be free again... I can almost see my self made chains bounding me to some uncalled wishes that I never knew I wanted but just realised I needed...
Who knows what's there in store for me... My dreams are to many and will too strong to handle that much in my plate... But of course with each of it having it's own requirement of maintainable and support.
Washed my face and it felt awesome... But it doesn't feel as fresh today. Couple of things in my mind. It is not in it's usual composed state. But I didn't do much for many hours. I gave myself a break from my self imbibed routine. I even changed my usual place. So it feels more alive. Guess that's why more volatile.
Wow... What a coincidence. I was just thinking of atmosphere and suddenly this room is full of fragrance.. It's floral feeling all around... My nostrils and senses are feeling fresh as if I am sitting in the middle of some flower garden and the fan's sound is some music of a river.
And suddenly Gonzalo is all over in my mind. Guess nature and he have an equal place in my spirit.
Ha ha... And suddenly it feels free... I wonder what if someone spectates my acts at this point of time. Like its real crazy.
And now the music transcends me to a mystery-world.like that in which we participate everyday and yet never get it. Like a forest where despite of it being sun-light, there is misty sight.
It's a hallucinatory place that I see on screen. Like that we imagine in our dreams. And it is so full of shocks and wonders. I wonder where are the signs of untold thunders.
The whispy whispers tell some tales but I can't understand that language. They ask me to feel and break out of my ring.
So here I remove the shackle of social imposition. Here I let myself free to be my own King. And here I sing the songs of joy - with peace inside and salt of wry.
22 Dec
I slept the entire night. Still in the dream I was spectating. I saw my friends and then very gently woke up gradually to the full awareness of it being 5:55. Time is gone but I still wanna write. First thought of my day is strangely a negative one. I wonder how selfish humans are - how they try to do everything they feel like doing at the expense of other people. How they rob people off of not just material but even the things that are not visible like time. How hollow cases of ego and false beliefs lead people to torture and force even their closed ones.
It is still dark inside. Had I not checked time, I might not even have realized that it's morning.
I gave myself a fresh splash of caress. I can see a couple of faces on road now .A handsome man just passed by. I can hear morning sounds today - but it is not pleasing. Guess 5 A.M has become mandatory and essential to me now. I feel dishonest to still write here. And there are a couple of conflicts going on inside my mind - 1) To not write at all as it's not 5 anymore. But don't I stretch writing till 5:30 at least. 2) To delete whatever I have written as I can't begin my morning with a negative thought for someone. 3) To let it be coz I am learning to accept reality along with it's darker side. 4) To switch off my phone from now onward to keep away some people from my life.
I feel sad and bad about how a person gets all these emotions of envy, jealousy & greed and then he acts much younger than his age only make an utter fool of himself.
But I don't like myself clutched in that kind of emotions. So here I free myself of unnecessary thoughts and un-required people.
It's a new morning. I have played some flute in the background. Dawn is peeping inside from the window - inviting me to wash myself in the glory of nature. How I wish to run over to some mountain and get lost in some forest beside some river. I wanna float in the middle of a large river with nothing but nature around. I wanna jump from sky into a large ocean. Aaah!!! Life can be so beautiful - so full of adventure. Why do we often buy our own chains and try to confine ourself fixing them as our home's walls. The entire world can become home - provided we get connected to it and become selfish enough to embrace it. But it doesn't happen that way. We stay restricted to our self - carved limits and devote our precious life so anxiously in trying to build some notion of ourselves that we are not but like to believe that we are.
Aaah!!! Wish I knew how to do my best in this limited span of life. Wish I knew how to make the most of it. But Am I not turning anxious again. and has not every man been trying to do his best coz everyone wants to be happy. Every one needs to be happy. but every man is happy yet fails to recognize it.
We simply forget our natural state of joy and love. And we try fitting into those constructed cases of notions we have for ourselves and cases that we have fixed for others. Nature can't be fixed in nature. Its ever changing - ever evolving. Everything keeps changing and we jsut have to be in every slide and give it our best shot without presuming or assuming it's best appearance. Having dreams or vision is different - making it true is beautiful too. But there is no need to get obsessive enough to get on your nerves. Many a times the picture we desire for a situation may turn out to be limited then what become possible without even planning it. Iam not saying to not plan at all, or not be particular about something. All I want to suggest is to explore more, to grow horizons.
With a stable mind and a strong will to have some brewing cardemom milk, here I begin my morning. And this morning, I will do something other than going on my terrace and gazing that sky with birds. Today, I will live it different.
23rd Dec
5 A.M
Wow... I slept entire night. yet somehow woke up on time. Feeling so cold. Lemme wash my face and bring a mug of coffee. It won't be justified to write as it is.
Woah!!! Am all fresh with a mug of cocco and nice music. Suddenly I have a vision of sea. I remember that one day in particular where I was walking along sea shore somewhere near Arabian sea. I remember one specific novel where both those protagonists were buried alive deep inside sea coz they were struck inside while diving. I remember another novel where I had fallen in love with sea, where the girl used to spend hours together everyday talking to sea. I remember my teenage self walking upon Diu fort's edge spectating that huge an ocean splashing hard upon that wall I was standing upon. How I dreamed throughout my childhood to find that long forgotton cave to live in forever.
Aaah!!! Sea is simply a symbol of Jal's power. It fills me with ecstasy and awe. How can I forget that sensual feeling of running without anything on my body beside those long shimmering sea shores. Those nights full of colorful lights - filling intoxicated people with dancing waves' might. And ofcourse those uncountable hours I have spent looking at those layers of sea - creating a hallucinating meditative picture in my mind. How often have I stopped myself from this desire to keep on walking. floating - till the sea completely engulfs me. I have this strange faith in the back of mind - that sea will never harm me. Yet it always partially scares me. More I get attracted to it - more I get that awe's hit. Probably that is what I demand from men in my life too. Too be strong yet so fluid like. I love Jal. And I miss that connection of a teenage girl who used to write diaries for her 'Jal' - meditating, thinking, brooding upon her Jal's power, being part of those epiphonic visions was my reason for existence. Ha!! All my childhood I dreamed of my dolls to turn alive someday. In my teenage, I exchanged my dreams, my visions for human clay. I wish I was not a born a human at times. For I can feel the power of those elements in my body bubbling to be free one more time. But isn't it beautiful - to be human. To be able to see, feel, touch, see - all this. Our senses are a gift, they are the reason we are alive.
And I feel lucky to live the life that I live. I must have chosen to take this birth only to see places - to travel around the world - to stand strong for my struggle. And I so cherish each moment of my life - coz even living it to the fullest - is not suffice. There are always places to be, things to do, people to meet - and I find life too short to not live my life. So I live it - every moment of it - every emotion in it. And it is beautiful - to be alive. With this I continue my ride, till we catch up - another time. Adios!
26th Dec
Good morning. I ate up Christmas morning coz I wanted to sleep. The night before that was too full of dance under a bright golden moon at Taj Vivanta. I was way too tired and satisfied to stay awake beyond 3:30 A.M...So I slept off. But this morning was awaited exactly from 3:30 A.M when I woke up.
I have just taken a long hot shower and it feels so amazing that it can't be described.
Last evening was pretty depressing for me. I missed my family, friends everyone coz it was Christmas... Studying alone in my room I dozed off only to wake up middle of night and feel even more lonelier. But still I had my magic moments. There in the wide grey sky was a huge golden Moon - all through the night. It is still there - enchanting spells on the dancing clouds around, creating images of heaven n hell.
It's the music of flute - all around in my room today. There is one track I have become pretty fond of. It gives me joy, transcends me through visions and makes me sleep whenever I need it. It is meditative and beautiful.
All I wished for was wine and chocolate cake yesterday. And cosmos ensured it in ample amount for me. Rather that was my breakfast, lunch and dinner. I felt good coz of one gesture. 'Gift' that too a 'surprise gift' - well, it means a lot. It can work wonders. As my melencholic side was giving me me excuses to feel bad about having to be alone in my room on Christmas, the other side had a silver lining - that it's not that bad. I can't have spoiled my life to a limit that there is none for me. I still have love in my life. I still find Christmas gifts outside. And I felt good. Few days back while watching 'The Christmas Carol', I was hugely inspired. I wanted to make my dream come true there then - of spending time in an orphanage with those kids who need love and time much more than basic necessities. But my preoccupation with studies and my life held me back till some other time when I will have more time in my plate. I wonder will I ever get that kind of time. Will I ever prioritize it? I so wish to.
After all, all my wishes whether knowingly or unknowingly - always come true. After all, I did have an amazing Christmas - I danced way too much, I partied, I received gifts and I was not alone at least till afternoon. Problem came up when 'I' entered my head.
Aah!!! I have to grow beyond 'I' and make it 'We' - large enough to expand my horizons from limited to infinity. I have to register matterless along with matter. I have to realize the hollow space in every thing inside and around me.
I have an exam tomorrow. I tried putting in all my efforts. Situations were not very supportive - or my own doings created many obstacles. Friends turned to fiends. People I had valued disturbed me enough to loose all hopes from humanity or my own life. Some events even butchered my peace of mind. But this head - it was pretty focussed I guess. So I tried. Last year I had skipped this exam - to go to Goa - to travel. This year I didn't want to loose even this trial. It's my only incomplete work. I like finsihing every task that I take in my mind. I have to get through it - no matter I use the opportunity or let it be - for my own peace of mind. But there is some strange faith in my head - all the time. That whatever is happening - is happening for a reason. That things can't always go - the way I desire. That it all has to happen in some way that I can't decide. That whatever will happen - will happen to make my journey - a perfect ride.
I don't know whether I will clear this exam or not, but it surely had an amazing sight. So many lives and eras, my mind is blasting with the ride. I saw so many authors getting born, who later died. I saw my own history - how we are shaped the way we now collide. And I no more get anxious of changes. I rather seek them - it's alright. It all happens to bring out the character in us - the one we need to play - on the stage of life.
27th Dec
Gm
Its my exam day. I slept over the entire night. Didn't want to study anymore. So I just chilled. Simply slept off. I have to clear this exam. I hope whatever is good for me will happen. Pretty excited though.
I have just opened my eyes... No coffee no bath and all till now. But it's kind of cosy - this writing in the middle of sleep in the middle of mattress.
So I have washed and brushed and here I am back on bed with drizzling mug of coffee between my palms. I have opened a book but there is this thing with me - I can never study on an exam morning. Rather the evening before any exam - I close my books and don't study at all before exam.
Now that used to be the case when I was a hard core student and my syllabus used to get over much before time. But now... Ha ha... Though I tried my level best to study as per the system requires but somehow I can't think of marks or exams while getting to know something new. I get lost in the exploration...in excitement of learning something new.
So out of three compulsory exams I have not even touched the first part. And it consists of anything and everything under the sun. Not that I am too bright a kid but I hope my mind works somehow.
Lol...
Too many hopes suddenly... Guess... I will rather have my coffee in peace today. Someone in neighbourhood is playing some real nice tracks. So overall -it is beautiful. And I have also woken up on time. So it is a great beginning. Eager to get done with the entire thing.
I wanna be free again.
Listening to some good music now. Just gotta get ready and leave. My mind is strangely in peace this morning. As if even before the exam, the fact that it will be over is making me happy. I like to work for my passion. Not to be analysed as per rules that I disagree with.
So kinda festive mood - one thing - am excited to step out - visit a school in Bangalore - feel the aura of students out here.
And later I have so many plans. Movies to be made, songs to be composed, pictures to be edited, novel to be written... ha ha... Simply excited.
Guess I should get ready now. It's high time. I must take a bath..
28th Dec
Good morning
I slept big shot... Done with exam... Done with the purpose of my last month... Am free... Happy.... Ready to venture into new stuff... I so wish to travel now.
I have given myself one more month of freedom. I wanna write a novel. Come up with some songs, and mean while explore various fields to jump into the most tempting situation.
Now one real sad thing that will follow is separation from my room after this month. But that is how I will grow right - leaving last step to take another one. I wanna keep myself free in terms of locale. Most probably I will go to Delhi for my home needs me, but if given a real nice opportunity, I would love to relocate myself to some other part of Bangalore or rather go to Mumbai. I had all fantasised finishing my year with my first trip abroad. Never mind. I am sure when the time will be right I won't even need to think of it - like every other beautiful trip of my life... My next trip to Delhi would surely see to the issues with passport. Stupid rules of govt. to give pain to decent citizens of society. Had I been a terrorist or obnoxious character, I would have simply paid someone to get a fake passport and that's it. No standing in long ques, no wasting your entire day in thatcrowdy office in 104 fever, no need to accept that even if you were promised that your personal presence is not required for checking yet the police officer needs more than your home, family or documents at your place. He needs either your signature or as suggested by so many- he needs Gandhi's portraits. Wish, I had no such situations in my life.
Sono point discussing all that society shit. For now, I am quite happy. It feels like a New year to me already. Imagine I was living for a purpose day n night and suddenly the ask is over. I am still feeling quite close to my studies so I have decided to study on and come up with study videos on it... Anyhow I never prepared for exam but for my learning. Why I should a stupid polka dot sheet kill my passion for learning.
This NET system I tell you is seriously faulty. Ha Ha... I am into this critical mood this morning. As I am writing, my other self is judging my chain of thought.
Last night on terrace, while I was checking out moon, I met one of my neighbours... And since I had seen him after a long time so I also stopped by to have a conversation. Within 5 minutes our conversation was full of disease, accidents, society and so on. I laughed and even exclaimed there how weird it is - the topics we were talking on. He laughed yet continued so I bid my farewell politely.
Is it some escape from reality that I don't like discussing the real society? I guess it's a simple fact that I can't identify with all that.
I so need a coffee now, plus. Some music.
And now I am hungry and that cookie from subway that I had last afternoon is all over in my mind.
Aaah! What should I eat now? O.k lemme figure out something. See ya for now... ;)
31st December,2015
5 A.M Sharp. I so wanted to have our last meet at exact 5. I was able to do it. So, this is the last date of ours. After this, it will just be memories - cherished ones. I wonder how I will stop myself from visiting you atleast once everyday next month. But I will try to learn and grow us into a new romance with novel. My first serious novel. The first two I guess were not good enough to be published. I will rework the second some time when I will know how to deal with it. For now, it's a new love awaited. For now it's a new obsession to get diseased with. It was orgasmic and spectacular being in you 5 A.M. It brought transcendental changes in my life - like punctuality, Time rigidity and of course a platform to express myself boldly and bluntly - just the way I like it.
This morning I feel so clean. Like I washed my head sometime back, had cornflakes in brewing choco milk. Yesterday was the day of my laundry as well. Plus I cleaned a shelf in my room. So you see, it's all clean and it smells so good. Even my fishes' aquarium is clean and well nourished. So I feel kind of complete.
It's strange how everyday I clean a new corner and decorate a new shelf of my room only to realize that in one month I have to separate with it. So is the case with us know, I am not at all feeling like it's the last article of this series. I feel as comfortable and turned on as the first day of our union. From tomorrow it will be a new date, a new slate. But this was my familiar ground, my very personal innocent game, where I was I with soul and spirit, and every second was a romantic date.
Who knows what tomorrow has in store. I have seen my life changing completely in few sun-rays. I wonder where I will next be, and I wonder what will be our new name.
Coz souls prefer to stay together, life or death, females or males. Every story is one story. Same characters, different names.
I was looking for a job last night. I don't know what is it that I am looking for. Like I have my own fixed requirements from the company, that too before they make me their slave. And I wear them in my fingers, giving life to a fixed range. I wanna decide too if the company deserves me much more than how they take my name. I value my time and efforts way too much, that is the main pain. I can't flatter or compromise when it comes to any domain.
Plus, after living few month of corporate life, I love and hate it - with as much love and pain. I loved that financial independence, plus the feeling of learning something new, everyday some new names. The challenge to be many roles - creator, buyer, seller and figuring out their stains. I had to market stuff, which meant - understanding the entire game. 2 jobs, different fields, it was all an adventure, it was all that was main. Plus my personal growth, the way I evolved. My social circle, my way of speaking, change in my attitude, yet I remained - as much me, as much much the window with a new glass pane.
But then, I love my freedom too. It is beautiful - to have all time as you as main. I write endlessly, I chill without any pain. I sleep when I feel like. I work as much as I feel is right. There is no one above me, none below me. I am on my own. I can make it grow without a permission on loan.
Imagine working for months on hundreds of case studies only to realize that it was all a waste. That the company was faking all the work, just to make it seem, everything is under their domain. Imagine the hurt inside to realize, that all those deadlines you so willingly and effort fully met, were just a sham, some silly selfish game. It feels bad when hard work meets cunning folly. It feels worst when all your work goes waste in someone's folly. Nevertheless, no point crying over dead. It's a new day. It's a new ray.
Plus, it's that auspicious and special - this our meeting - that it's all together a different phase. Imagine I have been writing for half an hour yet it feels like the beginning of day. I didn't even hear the morning prayers, maybe coz I have put earphones in my soul like rain.
So, the day has arrived - New year. I had planned a full power scene, but cancelled it, coz of misery green. I thought of planning something after exam, but I am in a strange premise. Like I just wanna sit here and work. and despite of my soul's cries to travel, I just wanna work. Past entire year I was so busy living my life, that I never got time to finish the fragments of I. So many trips with so many memories. It was all scattered. I wanted to finish it all before year-end. Ha Ha, at times I feel like my own boss and my own servant. In a way I am. In a way everybody is. Ha Ha.. Funny, how humans are biologically corporate.
I don't know what has brought this corporate shit in my head early morning.. Maybe that job opportunity by a Travel company where I so wanted to contribute in atleast once in my life. I got so excited by some of the positions that they were offering. I checked the entire profile only to realize that the salary offered was zero. Like really? At times i wonder, how do they expect people to come and work for them for free. I wonder whether they had that low an economic position in their youth that now they wanna avenge the society by being as selfish and as scrooge as possible. Ha Ha... and imagine people also agree.
Long back even I was one such idiot. I was in my teenage back then and was eager to enter into media line. I saw some hoarding and went for the audition mentioned in it. After three rounds I was selected for Channel V's reality show - Lovenet. I was so excited and proud to be in, that I failed to realize my right to be paid there. Plus they made me sign a bound which suggested my voluntary participation in their program. It was the dirtiest game I had ever seen. Like they told me to be real, and scripted it all, playing with my image, my respect, faking things of which I had to google the meaning of.... and when I called them just to say that it was an unfair conduct, they remarked that they could have insulted me, and that it was nothing much that they showed. That one year was a real life hot seat for me. Everone and anyone used to come to me with that expression of an image of mine so leaking out of their scrutinizing eyes. Had my mom not assured her support and faith in me, I would have been badly broken. Now that girl Shreya and her partner Meenakshi who both selected me and became my elder sisters in front of my mom, now if they come in front of me, I gonna punch them hard. I so wish that atleast once in their lifetime they face the same situation, That they too get betrayed. That they get that badly disgraced in the society that too without any fault of their own.
Now when I see that program I even feel proud, coz it's kind of cool for me, to wear that kind of image, coz I have grown into a careless creature. Coz who thinks what for me - doesn't matter anymore. Till the time my conscious remains pure. But back then. I was hurt, back then, I was distorted with an image of mine with which I couldn't identify. I wonder at times, how do humans turn that greedy that they forget their own selves. Some TRP'S ,some thousand rupees of an employee's salary, some rupees for that purity that is replaced with adultery.
So, I don't know what is bringing all this in. But this is defiantly not the way I would like to spend the rest of our date. Lemme take a break. And I will be back with this all blown away.
Wow!!! It's a bright blue sky ouside. 6A.M. I can still see so many stars. The stoic neighbor girl is also back. By the way she intercted with me finaly and we had almost an hour of conversation. But that's it. We exchanged our nos. though.
It's a possibility that I may go to Pondi today. Like I don't know. Haven't figured out anything. But I have to do something atleast. Momcy suggested to visit AOL Ashram. Few days back I had also thought of visiting an orphanage. I so wanna adopt a child when I grow up. But ya, only when I will feel that I can love him/her more than my own self and when I will be financially that efficient that I can bear any kind of expense that might be necessary for the child. And I don't want that child to go anywhere beyond preliminary education. Despite of all other co-curricular benefits which could be attained even otherwise, I don't see education to bee of any good. Knowledge is to be seeked and Wisdom comes on it's own. What role does education play in between except to corrode and beat our minds to that same molded shit of a diplomatic society. I would rather let that child travel with me and alone and learn from travel. Travel is the best way I feel to learn anything in life- specially the things which are actually necessary and crucial for living - like some practical knowledge and happiness in our natural entity.
So ya, I still don't know what to do. I always have a second plan to everything, I am used to ensuring back ups. But when it comes to things like my passion, my heart - well, I get numbed once the only thing I decide fails. So ya, I don't believe in being distressed about anything that is lost or turned out to be infected with a parasite, but ya, I do respect my thoughts and words enough to neither linger upon the same failure nor look for an immediate success in some new test. I take my own sweet time, to ponder over things that are way far from my immediate situation and then return to my Karma Bhoomi all empowered with the power of self.
Ha Ha, despite of all my attempts, I guess I can't change this sudden version of mine which so wants to comment upon society and stuff. Lol... I can't even believe it's me. But it feels great to be able to talk about anything under the sun. It feels great to be so free in here. I wanna hold on time today.. But we have to part our ways. You are now one hour fifteen minutes old and I have to figure out a new way. But I hope that every morning when you bloom, you think of our cosmic kiss atleast sometimes like the first sun light, like last moon ray.
Goodbye 5 A.M, it was beautiful spending this life phase with you. You will always be in my heart in many ways. Love.
.
Written by - Surbhi Rohera
22 Dec
I slept the entire night. Still in the dream I was spectating. I saw my friends and then very gently woke up gradually to the full awareness of it being 5:55. Time is gone but I still wanna write. First thought of my day is strangely a negative one. I wonder how selfish humans are - how they try to do everything they feel like doing at the expense of other people. How they rob people off of not just material but even the things that are not visible like time. How hollow cases of ego and false beliefs lead people to torture and force even their closed ones.
It is still dark inside. Had I not checked time, I might not even have realized that it's morning.
I gave myself a fresh splash of caress. I can see a couple of faces on road now .A handsome man just passed by. I can hear morning sounds today - but it is not pleasing. Guess 5 A.M has become mandatory and essential to me now. I feel dishonest to still write here. And there are a couple of conflicts going on inside my mind - 1) To not write at all as it's not 5 anymore. But don't I stretch writing till 5:30 at least. 2) To delete whatever I have written as I can't begin my morning with a negative thought for someone. 3) To let it be coz I am learning to accept reality along with it's darker side. 4) To switch off my phone from now onward to keep away some people from my life.
I feel sad and bad about how a person gets all these emotions of envy, jealousy & greed and then he acts much younger than his age only make an utter fool of himself.
But I don't like myself clutched in that kind of emotions. So here I free myself of unnecessary thoughts and un-required people.
It's a new morning. I have played some flute in the background. Dawn is peeping inside from the window - inviting me to wash myself in the glory of nature. How I wish to run over to some mountain and get lost in some forest beside some river. I wanna float in the middle of a large river with nothing but nature around. I wanna jump from sky into a large ocean. Aaah!!! Life can be so beautiful - so full of adventure. Why do we often buy our own chains and try to confine ourself fixing them as our home's walls. The entire world can become home - provided we get connected to it and become selfish enough to embrace it. But it doesn't happen that way. We stay restricted to our self - carved limits and devote our precious life so anxiously in trying to build some notion of ourselves that we are not but like to believe that we are.
Aaah!!! Wish I knew how to do my best in this limited span of life. Wish I knew how to make the most of it. But Am I not turning anxious again. and has not every man been trying to do his best coz everyone wants to be happy. Every one needs to be happy. but every man is happy yet fails to recognize it.
We simply forget our natural state of joy and love. And we try fitting into those constructed cases of notions we have for ourselves and cases that we have fixed for others. Nature can't be fixed in nature. Its ever changing - ever evolving. Everything keeps changing and we jsut have to be in every slide and give it our best shot without presuming or assuming it's best appearance. Having dreams or vision is different - making it true is beautiful too. But there is no need to get obsessive enough to get on your nerves. Many a times the picture we desire for a situation may turn out to be limited then what become possible without even planning it. Iam not saying to not plan at all, or not be particular about something. All I want to suggest is to explore more, to grow horizons.
With a stable mind and a strong will to have some brewing cardemom milk, here I begin my morning. And this morning, I will do something other than going on my terrace and gazing that sky with birds. Today, I will live it different.
23rd Dec
5 A.M
Wow... I slept entire night. yet somehow woke up on time. Feeling so cold. Lemme wash my face and bring a mug of coffee. It won't be justified to write as it is.
Woah!!! Am all fresh with a mug of cocco and nice music. Suddenly I have a vision of sea. I remember that one day in particular where I was walking along sea shore somewhere near Arabian sea. I remember one specific novel where both those protagonists were buried alive deep inside sea coz they were struck inside while diving. I remember another novel where I had fallen in love with sea, where the girl used to spend hours together everyday talking to sea. I remember my teenage self walking upon Diu fort's edge spectating that huge an ocean splashing hard upon that wall I was standing upon. How I dreamed throughout my childhood to find that long forgotton cave to live in forever.
Aaah!!! Sea is simply a symbol of Jal's power. It fills me with ecstasy and awe. How can I forget that sensual feeling of running without anything on my body beside those long shimmering sea shores. Those nights full of colorful lights - filling intoxicated people with dancing waves' might. And ofcourse those uncountable hours I have spent looking at those layers of sea - creating a hallucinating meditative picture in my mind. How often have I stopped myself from this desire to keep on walking. floating - till the sea completely engulfs me. I have this strange faith in the back of mind - that sea will never harm me. Yet it always partially scares me. More I get attracted to it - more I get that awe's hit. Probably that is what I demand from men in my life too. Too be strong yet so fluid like. I love Jal. And I miss that connection of a teenage girl who used to write diaries for her 'Jal' - meditating, thinking, brooding upon her Jal's power, being part of those epiphonic visions was my reason for existence. Ha!! All my childhood I dreamed of my dolls to turn alive someday. In my teenage, I exchanged my dreams, my visions for human clay. I wish I was not a born a human at times. For I can feel the power of those elements in my body bubbling to be free one more time. But isn't it beautiful - to be human. To be able to see, feel, touch, see - all this. Our senses are a gift, they are the reason we are alive.
And I feel lucky to live the life that I live. I must have chosen to take this birth only to see places - to travel around the world - to stand strong for my struggle. And I so cherish each moment of my life - coz even living it to the fullest - is not suffice. There are always places to be, things to do, people to meet - and I find life too short to not live my life. So I live it - every moment of it - every emotion in it. And it is beautiful - to be alive. With this I continue my ride, till we catch up - another time. Adios!
24th Dec
This morning is an orgasm for me. Too too happy. Only to
think of the horror I faced last night – of that snake in my room – wriggling
green tower. But I was awestruck in it’s beauty. Aah that devil green had
charming fire. And I am awestruck now too. Only this time, it’s happy.
So I am sitting with my coffee finally – feeling bit unusual
– coz it’s a different music in room today, yet it’s all so happy. I feel so
energetic, all rejuvenated to do some unknown task. As if I have a purpose. To
think of purpose after an entire night spent in stories of existential crises
and purposelessness of Modern Era.
I found a new explanation to ‘Wating for Godot’ last night –
that there were no 4 men – that they were all four voices of the same mind.
Where Vladimir and Estragon were inner psche of head and heart, but Lucky and
Pozzo were social self of the same entity. Lucky seemed as closest to what must
have been their reality.
I killed a snake like serpentile in my room lst night. I
didn’t want to, maybe it didn’t die- For I had only injured it to throw it from
third floor in a garbage pile. And it sailed smoothly coz I saw it, that
plastic cup in which I had thrown that injured bug. I though threw him but
suddenly felt haunted. As if it is still there where it had shown its beauty
and flaunted.
Aaah to think of that moment where I could have killed it
but tI was too awestruck to move or even click it. It had formed a moon like
eclipse and it’s pale green body shimmered with a white hallow. And it stayed
still for some hypnotizing moments till I tried flashing a camera and there it
wriggled leaving a white trail of its hallo all around, scaring me to death
with lack of sound.
I got this trip ever since I hit it, that it’s partner will
come fetch me and will kill me. And now I reflect upon past few months when I
have faced similar impossible and unexpected situations. There used to be some
shit like seed outside my door every morning. I tried seeking it’ssource, but
nothing came, but same dawning. It’s only when I threw a collected bundle of
them somewhere and left Bangalore for 2 months that those grayish balls
mysteriously gone.
Once I found a green leech like thing in a pan upon which I
threw boiling water out of a sudden reaction. Another time, there was a never
before seen, greenish snail like creature hanging upon my curtain middle of
day. Reptiles – not even rodents. But the one I saw last night was seriously
something serious. I feel like a fool too thinking about all super-natural and
stuff. And yet, it’s more exciting – my world of intuitions and imaginations.
So, here I leave back into my story – only to explore it’s
author’s next mystery.
26th Dec
Good morning. I ate up Christmas morning coz I wanted to sleep. The night before that was too full of dance under a bright golden moon at Taj Vivanta. I was way too tired and satisfied to stay awake beyond 3:30 A.M...So I slept off. But this morning was awaited exactly from 3:30 A.M when I woke up.
I have just taken a long hot shower and it feels so amazing that it can't be described.
Last evening was pretty depressing for me. I missed my family, friends everyone coz it was Christmas... Studying alone in my room I dozed off only to wake up middle of night and feel even more lonelier. But still I had my magic moments. There in the wide grey sky was a huge golden Moon - all through the night. It is still there - enchanting spells on the dancing clouds around, creating images of heaven n hell.
It's the music of flute - all around in my room today. There is one track I have become pretty fond of. It gives me joy, transcends me through visions and makes me sleep whenever I need it. It is meditative and beautiful.
All I wished for was wine and chocolate cake yesterday. And cosmos ensured it in ample amount for me. Rather that was my breakfast, lunch and dinner. I felt good coz of one gesture. 'Gift' that too a 'surprise gift' - well, it means a lot. It can work wonders. As my melencholic side was giving me me excuses to feel bad about having to be alone in my room on Christmas, the other side had a silver lining - that it's not that bad. I can't have spoiled my life to a limit that there is none for me. I still have love in my life. I still find Christmas gifts outside. And I felt good. Few days back while watching 'The Christmas Carol', I was hugely inspired. I wanted to make my dream come true there then - of spending time in an orphanage with those kids who need love and time much more than basic necessities. But my preoccupation with studies and my life held me back till some other time when I will have more time in my plate. I wonder will I ever get that kind of time. Will I ever prioritize it? I so wish to.
After all, all my wishes whether knowingly or unknowingly - always come true. After all, I did have an amazing Christmas - I danced way too much, I partied, I received gifts and I was not alone at least till afternoon. Problem came up when 'I' entered my head.
Aah!!! I have to grow beyond 'I' and make it 'We' - large enough to expand my horizons from limited to infinity. I have to register matterless along with matter. I have to realize the hollow space in every thing inside and around me.
I have an exam tomorrow. I tried putting in all my efforts. Situations were not very supportive - or my own doings created many obstacles. Friends turned to fiends. People I had valued disturbed me enough to loose all hopes from humanity or my own life. Some events even butchered my peace of mind. But this head - it was pretty focussed I guess. So I tried. Last year I had skipped this exam - to go to Goa - to travel. This year I didn't want to loose even this trial. It's my only incomplete work. I like finsihing every task that I take in my mind. I have to get through it - no matter I use the opportunity or let it be - for my own peace of mind. But there is some strange faith in my head - all the time. That whatever is happening - is happening for a reason. That things can't always go - the way I desire. That it all has to happen in some way that I can't decide. That whatever will happen - will happen to make my journey - a perfect ride.
I don't know whether I will clear this exam or not, but it surely had an amazing sight. So many lives and eras, my mind is blasting with the ride. I saw so many authors getting born, who later died. I saw my own history - how we are shaped the way we now collide. And I no more get anxious of changes. I rather seek them - it's alright. It all happens to bring out the character in us - the one we need to play - on the stage of life.
27th Dec
Gm
Its my exam day. I slept over the entire night. Didn't want to study anymore. So I just chilled. Simply slept off. I have to clear this exam. I hope whatever is good for me will happen. Pretty excited though.
I have just opened my eyes... No coffee no bath and all till now. But it's kind of cosy - this writing in the middle of sleep in the middle of mattress.
So I have washed and brushed and here I am back on bed with drizzling mug of coffee between my palms. I have opened a book but there is this thing with me - I can never study on an exam morning. Rather the evening before any exam - I close my books and don't study at all before exam.
Now that used to be the case when I was a hard core student and my syllabus used to get over much before time. But now... Ha ha... Though I tried my level best to study as per the system requires but somehow I can't think of marks or exams while getting to know something new. I get lost in the exploration...in excitement of learning something new.
So out of three compulsory exams I have not even touched the first part. And it consists of anything and everything under the sun. Not that I am too bright a kid but I hope my mind works somehow.
Lol...
Too many hopes suddenly... Guess... I will rather have my coffee in peace today. Someone in neighbourhood is playing some real nice tracks. So overall -it is beautiful. And I have also woken up on time. So it is a great beginning. Eager to get done with the entire thing.
I wanna be free again.
Listening to some good music now. Just gotta get ready and leave. My mind is strangely in peace this morning. As if even before the exam, the fact that it will be over is making me happy. I like to work for my passion. Not to be analysed as per rules that I disagree with.
So kinda festive mood - one thing - am excited to step out - visit a school in Bangalore - feel the aura of students out here.
And later I have so many plans. Movies to be made, songs to be composed, pictures to be edited, novel to be written... ha ha... Simply excited.
Guess I should get ready now. It's high time. I must take a bath..
Good morning
I slept big shot... Done with exam... Done with the purpose of my last month... Am free... Happy.... Ready to venture into new stuff... I so wish to travel now.
I have given myself one more month of freedom. I wanna write a novel. Come up with some songs, and mean while explore various fields to jump into the most tempting situation.
Now one real sad thing that will follow is separation from my room after this month. But that is how I will grow right - leaving last step to take another one. I wanna keep myself free in terms of locale. Most probably I will go to Delhi for my home needs me, but if given a real nice opportunity, I would love to relocate myself to some other part of Bangalore or rather go to Mumbai. I had all fantasised finishing my year with my first trip abroad. Never mind. I am sure when the time will be right I won't even need to think of it - like every other beautiful trip of my life... My next trip to Delhi would surely see to the issues with passport. Stupid rules of govt. to give pain to decent citizens of society. Had I been a terrorist or obnoxious character, I would have simply paid someone to get a fake passport and that's it. No standing in long ques, no wasting your entire day in thatcrowdy office in 104 fever, no need to accept that even if you were promised that your personal presence is not required for checking yet the police officer needs more than your home, family or documents at your place. He needs either your signature or as suggested by so many- he needs Gandhi's portraits. Wish, I had no such situations in my life.
Sono point discussing all that society shit. For now, I am quite happy. It feels like a New year to me already. Imagine I was living for a purpose day n night and suddenly the ask is over. I am still feeling quite close to my studies so I have decided to study on and come up with study videos on it... Anyhow I never prepared for exam but for my learning. Why I should a stupid polka dot sheet kill my passion for learning.
This NET system I tell you is seriously faulty. Ha Ha... I am into this critical mood this morning. As I am writing, my other self is judging my chain of thought.
Last night on terrace, while I was checking out moon, I met one of my neighbours... And since I had seen him after a long time so I also stopped by to have a conversation. Within 5 minutes our conversation was full of disease, accidents, society and so on. I laughed and even exclaimed there how weird it is - the topics we were talking on. He laughed yet continued so I bid my farewell politely.
Is it some escape from reality that I don't like discussing the real society? I guess it's a simple fact that I can't identify with all that.
I so need a coffee now, plus. Some music.
29th Dec
Goodmorning. It’s one of those days where I can’t hold my
sleep – too sleepy. I saw Lucia some time back. Amazing story. Killer acting
too. It made me think about my reality and also my world of wonder.
Sweet lassi… It’s orgasmic. Gotta go back to sleep I guess.
Happy morning.
30th Dec
5 A.m sharp... Wow! After 2-3 days it's exactly this time. Feels like an epiphony. As if this is what was missing - my entire self - my 100 % - coz the communion wasn't complete - the beginning has to be correct - sharp at 5 A.M. . It's 2nd last day of this series I guess. I don't wanna make it practice enough to become a burden on me. I rather wanna cherish this phase forever as it is - beautiful, pious and mine.
I have an option to keep doing it - whenever I feel like, but I guess my entire self with ful dedictation is a must for me to do anything. And this last month was a different phase of mine. I was reading, was exploring and learning. I saw a huge range of feelings and happennnings - in past one month. From January, it will be a new year, a new phase in my life. and after Jan, I have to leave my room too. So it won't be the same know - unity of place, action and time - is a must for this one specific thing in my life - coz it is that selected. I like it only the way it is. I don't think I wanna make any amends in it.
But am I not behaving exactly the way every human does. Am I not trying to bound my own creation to be restricted in a limited boundary. But I guess it's that very boundary that I am releasing it with. But once you leave one mold then you become a different self. No matter how much you try, you can never take the shape of your earlier shell. So it must change then - that is decided.
and now I have to focus on my novel - the one I am planning to write. At times I also feel how so many writers who are dead must have toiled day and night, sometimes, their entire lives - to come up with a set of writings... How even if that work may be read by a couple of generations but is equally mortal and perishable.
Like, imagine a huge disaster where everything gets finished. Humans, their explorations, collections, work, aah!!! nothing remains. True, even I won't be here to feel the death of my own creations, if it happens, but it seems so futile then - our obsession with anything in our lives.
Like that even desires, notions of happiness and misery, dreams and aspirations - everything seems so fake and toy like which dissuades all of us in insignificant attempts of trying to understand things and make people understand things, without even a second's realization of them being - just things. and that includes us - each one of us.
There is music of waves, keyboard below a bright moon light, flute whispering from all sides - this morning is so beautiful. Lemme get the perfect mild light.
New Year is in 2 days. Last year, I had skipped an exam to Goa, This year, I have no engagement, like I am done with everything, and I can easily manage a trip I am sure, I want to as well. Yet, something inside me - is stopping me. Like I don't know what? Maybe I had set such high hopes from this year end that I don't want anything else. I have so many plans too. There are so many friends asking me for trips too. But somehow, I don't wanna travel with any of them. And I planned to go alone. Coz ever since my Himachal solo trip, I realized , there is no better way to travel but to travel alone. It's jsut that, I don't wanna go on a festival - to an unknown random place. Not that I can't socialize or make new friends.. But that is not the right occasion know. Festivals become festivals when you celebrate them with people you love. Home is one big temptation but I don't know why, for an event like new year, even that idea is not that alluring too.
And my mind is asking me again and again, ' where to? what for?' and I have no reply but to say, ' to travel.' and yet, somehow, I am staying inside in my room for so long these days. This side of m
ine - whenever it comes - always amazes me. Like I am a free bird - in 99.99% of mine. Yet this 0.1% which reveals itself at so less occasions - it scares me. I become big time workaholic then. I think of nothing but my immediate tasks. I do nothing but either waste time to think or do the task.30th Dec
5 A.m sharp... Wow! After 2-3 days it's exactly this time. Feels like an epiphony. As if this is what was missing - my entire self - my 100 % - coz the communion wasn't complete - the beginning has to be correct - sharp at 5 A.M. . It's 2nd last day of this series I guess. I don't wanna make it practice enough to become a burden on me. I rather wanna cherish this phase forever as it is - beautiful, pious and mine.
I have an option to keep doing it - whenever I feel like, but I guess my entire self with ful dedictation is a must for me to do anything. And this last month was a different phase of mine. I was reading, was exploring and learning. I saw a huge range of feelings and happennnings - in past one month. From January, it will be a new year, a new phase in my life. and after Jan, I have to leave my room too. So it won't be the same know - unity of place, action and time - is a must for this one specific thing in my life - coz it is that selected. I like it only the way it is. I don't think I wanna make any amends in it.
But am I not behaving exactly the way every human does. Am I not trying to bound my own creation to be restricted in a limited boundary. But I guess it's that very boundary that I am releasing it with. But once you leave one mold then you become a different self. No matter how much you try, you can never take the shape of your earlier shell. So it must change then - that is decided.
and now I have to focus on my novel - the one I am planning to write. At times I also feel how so many writers who are dead must have toiled day and night, sometimes, their entire lives - to come up with a set of writings... How even if that work may be read by a couple of generations but is equally mortal and perishable.
Like, imagine a huge disaster where everything gets finished. Humans, their explorations, collections, work, aah!!! nothing remains. True, even I won't be here to feel the death of my own creations, if it happens, but it seems so futile then - our obsession with anything in our lives.
Like that even desires, notions of happiness and misery, dreams and aspirations - everything seems so fake and toy like which dissuades all of us in insignificant attempts of trying to understand things and make people understand things, without even a second's realization of them being - just things. and that includes us - each one of us.
There is music of waves, keyboard below a bright moon light, flute whispering from all sides - this morning is so beautiful. Lemme get the perfect mild light.
New Year is in 2 days. Last year, I had skipped an exam to Goa, This year, I have no engagement, like I am done with everything, and I can easily manage a trip I am sure, I want to as well. Yet, something inside me - is stopping me. Like I don't know what? Maybe I had set such high hopes from this year end that I don't want anything else. I have so many plans too. There are so many friends asking me for trips too. But somehow, I don't wanna travel with any of them. And I planned to go alone. Coz ever since my Himachal solo trip, I realized , there is no better way to travel but to travel alone. It's jsut that, I don't wanna go on a festival - to an unknown random place. Not that I can't socialize or make new friends.. But that is not the right occasion know. Festivals become festivals when you celebrate them with people you love. Home is one big temptation but I don't know why, for an event like new year, even that idea is not that alluring too.
And my mind is asking me again and again, ' where to? what for?' and I have no reply but to say, ' to travel.' and yet, somehow, I am staying inside in my room for so long these days. This side of m
And now I am hungry and that cookie from subway that I had last afternoon is all over in my mind.
Aaah! What should I eat now? O.k lemme figure out something. See ya for now... ;)
31st December,2015
5 A.M Sharp. I so wanted to have our last meet at exact 5. I was able to do it. So, this is the last date of ours. After this, it will just be memories - cherished ones. I wonder how I will stop myself from visiting you atleast once everyday next month. But I will try to learn and grow us into a new romance with novel. My first serious novel. The first two I guess were not good enough to be published. I will rework the second some time when I will know how to deal with it. For now, it's a new love awaited. For now it's a new obsession to get diseased with. It was orgasmic and spectacular being in you 5 A.M. It brought transcendental changes in my life - like punctuality, Time rigidity and of course a platform to express myself boldly and bluntly - just the way I like it.
This morning I feel so clean. Like I washed my head sometime back, had cornflakes in brewing choco milk. Yesterday was the day of my laundry as well. Plus I cleaned a shelf in my room. So you see, it's all clean and it smells so good. Even my fishes' aquarium is clean and well nourished. So I feel kind of complete.
It's strange how everyday I clean a new corner and decorate a new shelf of my room only to realize that in one month I have to separate with it. So is the case with us know, I am not at all feeling like it's the last article of this series. I feel as comfortable and turned on as the first day of our union. From tomorrow it will be a new date, a new slate. But this was my familiar ground, my very personal innocent game, where I was I with soul and spirit, and every second was a romantic date.
Who knows what tomorrow has in store. I have seen my life changing completely in few sun-rays. I wonder where I will next be, and I wonder what will be our new name.
Coz souls prefer to stay together, life or death, females or males. Every story is one story. Same characters, different names.
I was looking for a job last night. I don't know what is it that I am looking for. Like I have my own fixed requirements from the company, that too before they make me their slave. And I wear them in my fingers, giving life to a fixed range. I wanna decide too if the company deserves me much more than how they take my name. I value my time and efforts way too much, that is the main pain. I can't flatter or compromise when it comes to any domain.
Plus, after living few month of corporate life, I love and hate it - with as much love and pain. I loved that financial independence, plus the feeling of learning something new, everyday some new names. The challenge to be many roles - creator, buyer, seller and figuring out their stains. I had to market stuff, which meant - understanding the entire game. 2 jobs, different fields, it was all an adventure, it was all that was main. Plus my personal growth, the way I evolved. My social circle, my way of speaking, change in my attitude, yet I remained - as much me, as much much the window with a new glass pane.
But then, I love my freedom too. It is beautiful - to have all time as you as main. I write endlessly, I chill without any pain. I sleep when I feel like. I work as much as I feel is right. There is no one above me, none below me. I am on my own. I can make it grow without a permission on loan.
Imagine working for months on hundreds of case studies only to realize that it was all a waste. That the company was faking all the work, just to make it seem, everything is under their domain. Imagine the hurt inside to realize, that all those deadlines you so willingly and effort fully met, were just a sham, some silly selfish game. It feels bad when hard work meets cunning folly. It feels worst when all your work goes waste in someone's folly. Nevertheless, no point crying over dead. It's a new day. It's a new ray.
Plus, it's that auspicious and special - this our meeting - that it's all together a different phase. Imagine I have been writing for half an hour yet it feels like the beginning of day. I didn't even hear the morning prayers, maybe coz I have put earphones in my soul like rain.
So, the day has arrived - New year. I had planned a full power scene, but cancelled it, coz of misery green. I thought of planning something after exam, but I am in a strange premise. Like I just wanna sit here and work. and despite of my soul's cries to travel, I just wanna work. Past entire year I was so busy living my life, that I never got time to finish the fragments of I. So many trips with so many memories. It was all scattered. I wanted to finish it all before year-end. Ha Ha, at times I feel like my own boss and my own servant. In a way I am. In a way everybody is. Ha Ha.. Funny, how humans are biologically corporate.
I don't know what has brought this corporate shit in my head early morning.. Maybe that job opportunity by a Travel company where I so wanted to contribute in atleast once in my life. I got so excited by some of the positions that they were offering. I checked the entire profile only to realize that the salary offered was zero. Like really? At times i wonder, how do they expect people to come and work for them for free. I wonder whether they had that low an economic position in their youth that now they wanna avenge the society by being as selfish and as scrooge as possible. Ha Ha... and imagine people also agree.
Long back even I was one such idiot. I was in my teenage back then and was eager to enter into media line. I saw some hoarding and went for the audition mentioned in it. After three rounds I was selected for Channel V's reality show - Lovenet. I was so excited and proud to be in, that I failed to realize my right to be paid there. Plus they made me sign a bound which suggested my voluntary participation in their program. It was the dirtiest game I had ever seen. Like they told me to be real, and scripted it all, playing with my image, my respect, faking things of which I had to google the meaning of.... and when I called them just to say that it was an unfair conduct, they remarked that they could have insulted me, and that it was nothing much that they showed. That one year was a real life hot seat for me. Everone and anyone used to come to me with that expression of an image of mine so leaking out of their scrutinizing eyes. Had my mom not assured her support and faith in me, I would have been badly broken. Now that girl Shreya and her partner Meenakshi who both selected me and became my elder sisters in front of my mom, now if they come in front of me, I gonna punch them hard. I so wish that atleast once in their lifetime they face the same situation, That they too get betrayed. That they get that badly disgraced in the society that too without any fault of their own.
Now when I see that program I even feel proud, coz it's kind of cool for me, to wear that kind of image, coz I have grown into a careless creature. Coz who thinks what for me - doesn't matter anymore. Till the time my conscious remains pure. But back then. I was hurt, back then, I was distorted with an image of mine with which I couldn't identify. I wonder at times, how do humans turn that greedy that they forget their own selves. Some TRP'S ,some thousand rupees of an employee's salary, some rupees for that purity that is replaced with adultery.
So, I don't know what is bringing all this in. But this is defiantly not the way I would like to spend the rest of our date. Lemme take a break. And I will be back with this all blown away.
Wow!!! It's a bright blue sky ouside. 6A.M. I can still see so many stars. The stoic neighbor girl is also back. By the way she intercted with me finaly and we had almost an hour of conversation. But that's it. We exchanged our nos. though.
It's a possibility that I may go to Pondi today. Like I don't know. Haven't figured out anything. But I have to do something atleast. Momcy suggested to visit AOL Ashram. Few days back I had also thought of visiting an orphanage. I so wanna adopt a child when I grow up. But ya, only when I will feel that I can love him/her more than my own self and when I will be financially that efficient that I can bear any kind of expense that might be necessary for the child. And I don't want that child to go anywhere beyond preliminary education. Despite of all other co-curricular benefits which could be attained even otherwise, I don't see education to bee of any good. Knowledge is to be seeked and Wisdom comes on it's own. What role does education play in between except to corrode and beat our minds to that same molded shit of a diplomatic society. I would rather let that child travel with me and alone and learn from travel. Travel is the best way I feel to learn anything in life- specially the things which are actually necessary and crucial for living - like some practical knowledge and happiness in our natural entity.
So ya, I still don't know what to do. I always have a second plan to everything, I am used to ensuring back ups. But when it comes to things like my passion, my heart - well, I get numbed once the only thing I decide fails. So ya, I don't believe in being distressed about anything that is lost or turned out to be infected with a parasite, but ya, I do respect my thoughts and words enough to neither linger upon the same failure nor look for an immediate success in some new test. I take my own sweet time, to ponder over things that are way far from my immediate situation and then return to my Karma Bhoomi all empowered with the power of self.
Ha Ha, despite of all my attempts, I guess I can't change this sudden version of mine which so wants to comment upon society and stuff. Lol... I can't even believe it's me. But it feels great to be able to talk about anything under the sun. It feels great to be so free in here. I wanna hold on time today.. But we have to part our ways. You are now one hour fifteen minutes old and I have to figure out a new way. But I hope that every morning when you bloom, you think of our cosmic kiss atleast sometimes like the first sun light, like last moon ray.
Goodbye 5 A.M, it was beautiful spending this life phase with you. You will always be in my heart in many ways. Love.
.
Written by - Surbhi Rohera
No comments:
Post a Comment