Sunday, November 15, 2015

Pulls n pushes

Its a strange mindset - right now... every time I return to society thinking that this time I will participate with a fresh mind n heart... Or maybe this time I will simply spectate with no judgement in heart... N yet there is something that pulls me out of it all... And I feel suffocated in people, routine, material...there I crave for my freedom, nature, travel...
I love my family too much - want to live with them... They deserve me the most in the world... They love me the most in the world... N vice verse...
And yet... this anxiety... This thought if being engaged with everyday things...
I feel like befriending many people at times... After all I am a human and I need people... N yet... I just can't identify... I may gel with anyone and everyone... But my soul seeks solitariness n nature everywhere..
Momcy says... Humans are nature too... why don't you love nature in that form...
But humans have other elements too - where they judge... They cheat... They talk nonsense... they have wrong intentions...
Nature on the other hand is pure - powerful... Is untouched from all those trivialities and atrocities...
Two nights before I felt like a cross in a large large universe...as if  had roots in all four directions and the centre was heart - thumping at some crazy speed .. The energy was immense... And the sound and silence were replacing each other as if in a musical combat...only thing that stopped me from loosing my self fully into it was attachments... N yet... I got so shit scared with the energy that I felt...
I don't know... what to do... Where to go next... My degrees question my social existence... And yet..m its these social parameters I have issues with.   I don't wanna belong to that category of parasites...
I don't wanna be bounded..m don't want to get indulged in politics.
I am an artist... And I have so many arts... All I want in my life is this freedom of mine that I am so proud of . All I want to do it to be creative and travel.
And yet... Things are not that simple. rather things are made complicated by everyone around... Like its not just be honest ...do your work 100%... Gve your best... Have good intentions and nothing can harm you...  Its rather about people that play politics... That forcefully drag you into situations...and if you ignore it for your own peace of mind... then you support something that is so wrong on humanitarian grounds...
I wish I was free to remain just a simple human if that's how we define it... Not that I am scared of situations or people... No... But I consider my time way too precious to spend in such trivial things...
Like why will I fucking keep serving a company who supports flatterers and motivate politics... where the head himself participates in exploiting employees..
Why will I become a part of same group of lecturers for whom teaching is not holy but a business where it is OK to grant marks if girls satisfy their lust...
Why will I be friends with people whom I loved from the bottom of my heart but everyone judged me wrongly without considering the love and purity I had for each of them...
And still these are not complaints... They are they... Its upto them... How they want their life to be... An HR who knows she has no knowledge or skill to handle a firm but flattery and politics as her tools will obviously use them especially when it's a firm built on the foundations of exploitation n politics..
But I don't want to belong to such a society. I feel hurt when I see the level to which people around me have been forced to fall down to.
I simply can't identify with any of them. For me Money, material, position, reputation are a much latter cry...
I stay true to my concise... I only listen to my heart. And my head suffers when people around me try to pull me to their level looking at me with sympathy as if I am loosing a huge opportunity every time I say no to so called successes and benefits.
I don't know why but I feel content in my heart ... As if I am meant for something higher... Something where my soul won't require to compromise. And then it all seems like a dreamland...
And yet... I so believe in my dreams... All my dreams have come true... This one too will be true some day...
Guess... Patience is the word for now.

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