A lifetime spent
In pleasing those
Whose very purpose
Was to cause displeasure!
Not easy being the scapegoat!
Not easy realising to be so!
Whom to blame!
How to revive
Years of struggle with my own self
When all this while
All I wished to be better!
To the extent of losing any will to be so!
Now I realise it was all part of the puzzle
The in and out
Chasing external when the issue was internal!
How to detox from that oxygen that was also poisonous.
No amount of anti-oxidants are enough
No nurture
For my very soul has imbibed
The virus!
Aah! How to heal?
Yes! I am independent.
Fiercely so.
No more can I listen to my intuition
For it has grown up anti me!
It's lonely being the one who breaks generational curses
It's sickening to finally decode the code
It shatters my heart so
To know
To see
To feel
The illusions once again breaking so.
And I fall free
Into the abyss of darkness
With a single ray of light
Highlighting the shadows of my life further so.
No hope, no support,
None to confine into!
It's lonely in here
Suffocating as well
I can hear my own heart beat
Tiny little heart pounding for my life so far
Each abuse, each rebuke,
Every unfair ordeal of life
Each undeserving soul given another lifeline
And I wonder, why me? Why now?
Sometimes truth breaks you
Shatters your every idea about life!
Am I alive?
Barely surviving.
As the blood manages to make it to the cells
The body manages to do the basics somehow
I wonder
Is that all?
What else? What more?
Now that am matter-less
Flood of emotional debris clogging my body, heart and soul
Am sick to my stomach
Nerves making me fall as I try to leave my slumber
So I sleep on
More and a bit more!
With nightmares of monkeys
Trying to eat me alive.
And I wake up alone
Reality no different from sleep!
It's not easy being a scapegoat.
It's even worst to finally realise it.
Atleast now I know it.
All I have to do is accept and then move on!
Is it possible?
Maybe that's why I got to know
About my disease
So as to heal!
Pray, what amount of anti-dotes would be enough
To remove years of toxins from my core, my very soul.
A lifetime spent
In pleasing those
Whose very purpose
Was to cause displeasure to me!
Maybe it is time to choose me!
