Cloud Eleven, Delhi, June 22

 Cloud eleven, Delhi

One and One - Eleven! 

1.6.22

11 PM, Delhi

Hey 11,

It's our first meet. Hello. Yo! Ideally we should have met last year in June. But I was in Himachal and for the first time in years that I forgot my date with time. I did meet Time but in Pushkar, later, in September at 6 AM. That's how it was supposed to be. And that's how we are supposed to meet. 

11:01

I am specially connected to number 111. Though my lucky number is 2. But 1 holds huge significance. When I explored it in Old Manali long back, it was rather one of the darkest phases of my life. Where I was desperate to have people around, so alone I felt. But it became a big time catalyst in my spiritual evolution and helped me realise the power that 1 brings - the energy of a leader. The albatross. The loner. The one who goes against the flow, upon those peaks, jumps into deep most oceans - yet conquers it all on his/her own. 

Yeah! I learned being with myself and also enjoying it. I discovered myself. 

You though my dear are different. For you are double the ones. Like soul-mates, like a power couple. Where two energies are complete in themselves, yet come together out of want, not need and become 11. 

Right now am in Delhi. I returned back to my home exactly a month ago, after an eight months' long stay in Pushkar which began at a point where I was totally broken but bit by bit gave me a rebirth. Not only the journey was immensely therapeutic but it helped me rediscover myself and made me child like again. I recieved the gift of devotion there. Bhakti - ras! 

We will talk about it in detail later on because as I heard my blogpost from last year a few days back, I got rather embarrassed because I could see a lonely girl seeking some emotional comfort in soulless people and getting disappointed again and again in useless connections. That was just the first month there though. The trip turned out super productive and transformational later on. But only the sad part got registered and I felt weird about it. 

But for now, let's get to know each other. We would be together for an entire month now, sharing our emotions, time, memories, experiences, hopes and journey together. 

11:10

You won't believe but I am simply neutral right now. No usual excitement, no effort put in. This is the rawest that I have ever dated time. Maybe you are all the more special, for isn't it with our closest friends that we be our rawest.

11:11

I am glad this happened so noticable and on the first day. Love. Joy. Blessings. Abundance. 

I find 11:11 magical. Seriously. Rather that's the reason I decided to date you. Because you are magical dear 11. And we are meeting in year 22. Somehow it makes some logical sense in my head. 

Oh, 2 is my lucky number and your digits add up to 2. Though I simply find you powerful and magical like cloud eleven! 

I even wrote a book once called Amore' where 11:11 was the passageway that took the female  protagonist to connect with divine masculine or Lord Shiva. 

It's the month of June and Delhi is quite hot these days. My initial plan was to leave for Himachal and meet you there. But then I kept on postponing my leave on 31st simply decided to stay on. One reason was that I was meeting my family after a gap of eight months and I was still not content and wished to be with them a bit more. Another, I had decided to get a full on job and only then leave for Himachal to open a cafe cum guest house there. Many opportunities came but nothing is in concrete as yet and I didn't wish to leave in air again. Though today while meditating another thought contradicted my entire month's creed for stability - I suddenly cried thinking about the fragility of life and how everything that I look or experience around including myself is ultimately mortal and therefore maybe all these desires are senseless and I should only focus on spiritual evolution and living life the most I can. But logic and my other experiences challenge all that and become the voice of reasoning in my head - saying that 3D is as essential as 5D. 

Oh, I have been watching this Turkish series called 'Daydreamer' for past few days. Another reason why I couldn't leave Delhi. I could have watched it anywhere but this strange obsession and connectivity wouldn't have been the same. Oh, I am in love with the character of its hero. He is perfect in every sense. Today, there was a scene where he willingly sacrificed a huge amount of money, that would have required him to sell his spare house - just to protect the honour of his beloved. I suddenly got into tears. There was a guy I had fallen for in Pushkar; who chose money instead of standing by me. Why do people prefer materialistic gains over soulful connects? He wasn't right for me, maybe. Yet that scene just reminded me of that guy who had behaved entirely adversely and many others. I got overwhelmed to see that genuine a love. 

Right now, I have black coffee, a windy rooftop, music plugged via airpods and I walking and talking with you. And it's the weirdest way that I have opened up to anyone. No baseline, no intro... As if we know each other already and are meeting like every evening. But that's the kind of connections I prefer - no efforts required. Just natural. And then when one puts efforts as well, that it becomes all the more special. Like a relationship based on the foundation of friendship. 

This time though is a bit uncomfortable generally for me here in Delhi. For people a re still awake all around. And I prefer to have my solitude when I connect with time. So far, all my dates have been with AM. You are the first PM in my life. 

And it would only go more towards day, for the night quota I am done with. That's why Himachal could have been better, in terms of getting this time alone without any external influence. But everything is always pre written. And it is my own choice to meet you here. For in Delhi that I be the most spiritual and safe. In Delhi that I don't indulge in people but rather talk about better things that really matter. I hope we add on to each other and become a happy place to come back to later on in our lives. I would love to look back on is and learn a bit or giggle a bit and not regret. Yet, the most I wish to do right now is to be authentic to evolve into the person that I am meant to become. The most I wanna do is be myself and along with you, flow with the flow. 

11:30

'Dont say a word, just come over

And lie here with me'

In Pushkar night used to seem like night with a black sky and numerous stars. Here the sky remains bright at all times and stars become countedly few. Today it's even cloudy. Hoping it rains soon! 

Oh ya, Gupt Navratris are going on. It's only last year that I got to know that there are actually four Navratris in an year. It's my forth Navratris where I could keep fasts. In every such session, I get to know a bit more. 

Last to last year, I had explored the energies that each of the goddesses epitomised like Shailputri, kushmunda, Kallratri, Mahagauri etc. 

These Navratris are however different. They are more charted by tantriks or people who seek some kind of siddhis. Kaali is worshipped. Today it was Goddess Tara's day. Tara is also called Neel Saraswati. I have a special connection to this goddess for while I was writing Amore she had shown her healing power to me on her own. And also that I have been connected to the blue star for years now. 

Oh, today I learned a new mantra 'Streem' and a ritual that involved chanting of this mantra, followed my Guruvandana, Ganesh Vandana and later meditating on Tara's mantra. I even meditated otherwise and it was extremely powerful. 

I generally simply keep these fast without thinking or seeking anything. But as I am growing up,  each Navratris, as if Goddess is revealing her numerous powers and divas on her own to me and I feel extremely blessed to be connected to her. 

Oh, the weather is getting only better. And I was rather sad imagining the suffocating heat I would have had to overbear just to have solitary moments with you. But you are indeed special. For you changed even the weather. Thank you. Love this weather. Already love you. 

'Ankhein Teri itni haseen

Ki Inka aashiq, mai ban gya hoon,

Mujh ko basa le in mein tu'

11:40 

And I just realised that even if I was a blank slate before our meet and had more or less dragged myself all stoic... We did conversed quite at stretch for it to be our first day. 

Strange and great!! 

Though I love to share silence as well. But we are text talking. Imagine a blank slate. Ha ha ... 

A friend of mine has recently renamed himself on insta as 'Kora kagaz'. Lol. And he is one person who is always emotionally charged and has a lot to say about everything. Quite ironical to his newly chosen name. Who knows? Maybe he is an MS Word and has discovered the delete button! 

Tomorrow though we will meet on some other terrace or maybe in my room or I don't known just some other setting. 

But ya .. there may be days when I just don't speak much and we simply be by each other's side. Or there maybe days when I would keep on speaking for hours. All about my mood and our chemistry and days' happenings. Yet, thank you for happening to me. For coming into my life at a point where am quite stable - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, psychotically, socially, individually, personally ..  well! In all of aspects. So we may actually teach each other a thing or two. We may become a power couple. For its out of want that we are meeting and not need. 

And would you believe. there is even lightening. I love thunder. It fills me with a strange thrill. 

Oh, this is also a time when I am kind of done with all my past and yet am at peace with it all. Sometimes my entire life as yet seems like a huge waste and sometimes it just seems like someone else's life story. I feel as if I am someone new who still has to take the first step to another life. 

And in last entire month, shockingly so many guys from my past tried to reconnect. I even got amazed at what had happened to the world. Why all of sudden everyone wanted to return back into my life or wanted to be in touch with me one way or other. They had all hurt me or had let me down in the past. They were all no more a part of my reality. And yet out of nowhere, they all expressed the depth of their emotions and how sorry they felt. I got lot many closures. Weirdly, I wasn't seeking. And yet there they were all. All I had compassion along with lessons from past. I wasn't angry. Nor was I eager to have any future or present. I simply had peace and compassion. I was polite. Yet had not forgotten the lessons from past. And handled everyone accordingly. 

But yeah, it did feel a bit good that they realised. Though it didn't matter by then. 

Yet they all seemed like universal signs - that there was something that I have been doing right. That I was on the right was. That choosing the path of righteousness wasn't that bad a choice. 

'Tum hi se mangenge,

Tumhi doge ..

Ye sab tumhara karm hai aaqa

Ki baat ab tak bani hui hai'. 

11:55

Alright my dear 11. Let's meet tomorrow. I loved meeting you today. So light. So raw. So neutral in terms of emotions or energy. So balanced. So free. 

Talk to you tomorrow. Stay magical. Stay sweet! 

Good night!!! 

...........

11 AM

2nd June

Hey my love, just give me a minute. Let me change and go on terrace. And then we will meet in peace. Just the two of us. Right now am in my room. It's colorful and filled with wall arts all around. It won't be a bad idea to meet even here. I can simply switch on the AC and just talk to you. But no. Let's go upstairs. Just give me a minute. 

11:05 

Alright yo! Am on the terrace beside my usual spot, upon a wall with a water bottle beside. I just had dinner and had a bath before that. Another reason why I was less in mood to be here, coz it's quite hot and I am quite fresh and fragrant. Also lazy right now. You know that full feel where you just don't want to move. All the more reason to be out. However, it would have been epic to be inside a cold room all spread upon bed as well. Am out anyway. 

What say? Wanna hop on to another terrace? That terrace used to be my favorite spot in my society. It's one of the corner most rooftops. Is another building. From there one can see everywhere but none can see you over there. Also, the road beside it has a gigantic park that covers several sectors and also has three lakes in it. And right below it, is our society park. So over all, that spot is quite green and secluded - just the way I like it. Few years back though, very lousy neighbours became tenants over there. They just abhored anyone visiting their terrace. They even had issues when I used to take my pup Pompom over there. I am glad that they shifted. But now there is some work going on over there. So there is all furniture l, wood pieces and other construction material kept over there. So I sit on the terrace beside that one sometimes. Since it's after several months that am hanging out upon my society's rooftops, so I still am never sure about the timings of people on various terraces. I just prefer to have no sudden visit or external impact. I prefer to be on my own below the stars. It's solitariness that I like. It's my own company that I love. Or else the one beside, must be better than myself in terms of my time. How ironical. You yourself are time. Therefore maybe that I give you that much value already. 

Would love to have a smoke though. Let's go to that terrace. Coz I am sure that in few minutes my own neighbourhood uncle would come for a walk on my own terrace. Let's go! 

Also, let's plug some music. Would be great to have soothing background to our meet. Today we will talk at length. I am done with all my works. So have no time limit in hand. 

Also, that I still got to get into the groove of our meeting. Though my fingers are typing quite at pace. But it would be great to have some value and meaning to it.  

11:20

Cool yo! Am on the corner terrace. And there is music along with us. Strangely the entire day a song kept on going on in my head - 'Nindiya ye legi tujhe thaam re'... This song reminds me of a loved one. A person I have moved on from with utmost difficulty. And even I don't know why it was just going on and on in my head today. And every time I got reminded of him. Why? I don't know! Maybe because my love was true, whether he deserved it or not. 

'ik bandhan Naya peeche se ab mujh ko bulaye

Aney Wale kal ki fiqr kyun mujh ko sata jaaye...

Ab hai saamne, isey choo lun Zara

Mar jaun ya jee lun zara'.

I have different kind of playlists on different apps. Gaana has my oldest playlist. Mostly sad songs. And just when I said it, the song came 'Aie zindagi gale laga le' ironically. But surely, 'humne bhi tere har ik gam ko gale lagaya hai'. 

On Spotify there are more chilled out songs and even the dark phase of my life. 

Jio savaan has the most latest collection. Has more classical music. Songs with meaningful lyrics and good music. But now, even that playlist is an year old. Soon would make a new playlist somewhere. Would discover new songs and new emotions. 

Time for a smoke! Let's! 

11:30

It's a weird state of mind. Recently I heard all of my blogs where I was dating time. So many things seemed silly. Like if I would adore the beauty of this cluster of stars above my head right now, I won't be able to see them in future while reading it. But you can share them with me right here in this moment. Or if I would talk to you about how my life changed drastically from last blogpost of my dates with time, it would waste my time for then I would be talking about past. But what really matters is my present. Where I am already changed. Where I am no more looking for happiness outside. Where I am no more seeking closures in past. Where happiness is not out there is any soulmate or an opportunity but this very moment where I am neither excited, not sad. Where am just neutral. It's quite new to me though to be honest. For all my life I was a girl of extremities. Extremely happy or extremely sad. This sense of peace, no desires, no ambitions, no must haves, no urgency, no guys, no compulsions. But this peace with simply being is strange and new to me. I still have my dreams intact with me. But there is this hope and faith still that they are all getting manifested - right now, as we speak. 

Pushkar was magical to be honest. It healed me at a level that I still don't have a hold off. From within. It gave me this strength from within. And the most special gift to me is Shree. A 15 year old friend turned into a younger brother who gave me not just company but his unconditional and pure love for all those months when I needed it the most. He ensured joy in every festival and his presence in my ups and downs. He became the epitome of an ideal younger brother I never had. He became that consistent a guy in my life that I only used to imagine. Often times I wondered, if only he was older. But maybe that's why our relationship thrived to that level. There was no expectation, no definition, no desire. Just this peace we got with each other. 

'All I really wanna doooooo

Is baby be friends with you'

Oh, this song reminded me of harmonica. Been a long time I have played it. Also my singing bowl. Maybe tomorrow I would dress up and make videos for the same. I spend all my home alone time watching TV these days. I have got addicted to that series 'Daydreamer'. That's my scene. If I begin something, I just can't leave it mid way. I got to finish it. May it be a book or a movie or a series or a connection. All that provided I like it. I don't mind leaving anything mid way if I get bored or feel anything off about it. 

11:41 

There are two people lying upon grass downstairs along with their dog - looking at the sky and talking. Such a happy sight. Lucky them! Also glad to see people alive. 

'You just want attention

You don't want my heart'

This song somehow reminded me of Bangalore. Oh dear 11. That was indeed the best phase of my life. One because of my room there. Another because of an abundance of travel and independence. And thirdly because of a guy 'Silver' I had fallen in love with. With him I did so many activities and kind of experienced one of the best connections of my life. We were both living the moment. But those were some of the best moments of my life. Watching this series also reminded me a bit of those days. For I was working back then. And our connection surely had those constant moments of surprises and United activities like dance, music, love making, outings etc. 

'pass laaya tere

Yun sataya mujhe

Fir tere liye mujhe 

Yun majboor Kiya

Awaara awara 

Dil awaara hua'. 

Not like I miss him now or want him again. But I do sometimes miss that kind of connection. I miss being myself along with someone. 

'fir kitni bhi koshish kar lun,

Dil sambhal na paaye'. 

However, my biggest focus right now is my career and building my life the way I desire it to be on my own. I am not seeking any connection right now. I wanna build myself. Have stable income. Have my own house. Have my own businesses. Published successful books. Launched songs that touch souls and heal the world. My own dog shelter in old manali. Loads of trees in Pushkar. My own e-com business with my chosen products.  Oh, so many dreams. 

11:55

Let me change the playlist. These are all sad songs. I want to be better than this. Even the weather is so dull. Let's change the music. Let's get some thrill. 

But there is a strange thrill even in melancholy. 

'hay tooti saari ki saari mai

Tere ishq mei hui awaari mai'

Ha ha

Can you imagine... I have actually danced on this song so many nights. I wanted to change, but couldn't change this one. 

'koi shaan bulaye, 

Koi dama lagaye,

Mai bhi oopar se hasti

Par andar se haay'. 

This is one of the two songs I had sung just before parting with Pompom. I had lost part of my soul along with chill. And I had lost another art along with Pompom. I do know that he is safe and happy in Himachal. But I sometimes miss him. If I ever will get lucky enough to have my own pet again, I would never part with him. That's for sure. Come what may. Won't let anyone influence me or change my decision. Would take his responsibility and take care of him. 

'aisi chup tu laga ke gai

Saari khushiyan khaa ke gyi

Haay andar andar se toota mai

Tere ishq mei khud hi se rootha mai'

12 AM

Well! Time to change the music. And welcome dear 12. Hey 11. Meet 12. With 12, I had one of the most healing time of my life. 12 healed me drastically from my depressed self back in 2020. I used to meditate and read a lot about consciousness and stuff. 

'bas ek baar tum ko 

Dekhne ko taraun

Maano na kehna mera'

How are you dear 12? Am alive. Thankfully everyone is safe and happy around me. Corona did take its toll on my loved ones but they remained brave and fought well! I want to thank you for happening in my life and making me who I am now. You were such a significant chapter of my life. I learned so much and underwent tremendous journeys within thanks to you. I was just thinking how I must have ensured all those midnight baths and naked sessions with you despite of being at home. I don't remember where my family was. I do remember however meeting you all wet and passionate, with water dripping and I sitting under a fan talking to you. 

'Mattha tenkun

Ya mai chal dun

Nange paun kahin'

This song is extremely special to me. I heard it the first time in Pushkar and instantly loved it. I remembered it. Dedicated it to Pushkar. For I used to walk all barefoot and take parikrama round Pushkaraj. Also, that I had fallen in love with someone and he used to be around when I had heard it the first time. I had even played it in a cafe just to make him listen to it. So in a way this song also got linked with him. Later realised he valued money more than our connection. Also, that he was never right for me. But yes, that feel of being in love retained with me. I think more than the other person, one falls in love with that version of self which is in love. I was in love with myself experiencing all those emotions. 

There is some restlessness in me to be honest. I did return back home and everything is going great. And I am really thankful for it. But I just want to move. I don't know why. So much had happened. I am no more attached here. Never was. Yet, earlier, there were still expectations. Now, it's just emptiness. But I am still thankful to divine for healing my relations. 

But I don't know till when. 

'keh de mujh se 

Dil mei kya hai

Aisa bhi kya guroor

Tujh ko bhi toh

Ho rha hai

Thoda asar zaroor'

Spotify just played 'Hey Jude'. Takes me to old manali. Two mistakes of my life, lol, I mean two so called friends had once sung it for me when I had got angry with them. That was one sweet moment. 

Beautiful know, how songs become time capsules. 

Oh, there is an app called 'Dreame'. I read e-books there. Most of the stories has warewolves, vampires, hybrids with clans with their alpha, Luna, beta and gamma. Initially I enjoyed them in Pushkar for the stories seemed sensuous. Later many of the stories has male dominance where girls were described as objects. So I quit reading them to gain points to read further on. The few books that am mid way there have powerful female protagonist. 

I have always believed in magic. I love all stories with magic, fairies , magic and supernatural element in it. That's why I love animation, sci fi and fiction when it comes to movies. They just have that transcendental effect on me and ensure a life beyond ordinary, something larger than life or normal. I live for the extra- ordinary. 

'Chodo bhi gila

Hua jo hua

Lehron ki zubaan ko

Samjho zara'

Wanna go to my room? Let's go downstairs. I wanna lie down and talk relaxed. Just feeling a bit bored here. Also my entire body is paining today somehow. Let's go. 

12:32

Alright yo! Am back in my room. Ha e even switched on the AC. It will take some time for the room to get chilled. Ever since I have returned back home, I am usually in the living room. It's so new to me. For I always used to be in my room the most at home. Not this time. I just don't feel like being here. A very bitter memory got attached to it and now, even if I try to forget it, I just fail to and it doesn't feel as warm anymore. Though it's still pretty. Every wall is hand painted. So many colors around. This time, I have added on a pot filled with cactus plants of all kinds. In the centre of them all sits Aleovera. Why cactus? Because they stay strong despite of adversities and keep thriving despite of lacks. They have their own storage system and defense mechanism. They represent me! That's another change in me. I never was into cactus. But after returning from Rajasthan and becoming a new person I understood their significance and strength. Now I love even cactus, despite of their thorns. And Aleovera! Oh, it's a magic herb. 

It looks great as a plant and has so many uses. Apply it on scalp to heal it and have shinier, better hair. Apply it on face to remove tan and heal skin. Eat it directly to heal digestive system and get rid of blood impurities. It's seriously an amazing plant. And is quite stubborn when it comes to surviving in adversities. Rather, it turns fragile in abundance. Over water it and it's roots would get diluted. Leave it unattended and it would stay alive somehow. Weird and something everyone can learn from.

12:40

There is a huge painting of Gaya looking at the moon upon the wall opposite to me. This painting is way special to me. I did while overcoming Dengue one diwali a few years back. On the wall beside me is a huge red guitar hanging along with a flute. I had this guitar in Bangalore and even Silver played it. Now though, it's neck has got bent and I got to get it repaired. I even have a violin in a shelf above. That was the first instrument I bought for myself after watching 'Sur' and falling in love with its music. One huge shelf in the attic is my personal library filled with thousands of books that I love. There is a shelf in my room that just has diaries filled with my writings. Each year, I fill it further on proudly! On the wall behind me is a cherry blossom tree hand-painted with two dream catchers - one painted and another that I made. On the wall opposite are few paintings and posters with few words spread in between like 'Collective evolution; Will, desire, believe, live, achieve; Today I will live it different; Maksad kya hai gaane ka?'; etc. On the book shelf is a three panelled glass painting with sea, seagulls, mountains and Sun. This room has years of creative add ons. Has years of I growing up - etched upon every nook and corner. Even the dressing table has pearl colors upon its borders and study table is adorned with CD, feathers, flower crowns etc. Inside it there is a shelf with my barbies sitting upon sofa sets, with landscape posters behind and collection of numerous shells, pebbles and wood pieces that came to me during my travels. Even the lamp is hand painted with a metal mural of Goddess Tara hanging below it. 

All in all its a vibrant room that yells of it belonging to an artist, a reader, a writer, a traveller, a musician. It belongs to me. And still, it just doesn't feel mine anymore. Maybe I have grown out of it. Maybe I have got detached. Maybe it will take time to belong to it again. Maybe my destiny has now another home for me. Who knows!

Not to forget these soft toys sitting all around. Most of them I gifted to others. Yet few remained - those few with whom I couldn't part. They still wait for me when I leave and come back upon my bed each time I return. Behind me, they are rather curbed inside almiras. This time, even if I have returned, I hardly even sleep on my own bed. I just pass out in the living room on sofa like a guest. Either it's a other level of belongingness or its complete detachment or part of me still needs to heal.

I mean isn't one's own bed the closest place one has in the world? Why don't I sleep here anymore? I don't know! Maybe I don't want to get habitual to it again. I don't know. 

Alright my loves! Let's call it a night. Will see you tomorrow dear 11. And thank you for meeting us darling 12. 

Off I go. Goodnight. To imagine. An entire date changed in our date. 

Love! 

See you tomorrow. 

.............

June 3, 2021

11 AM

Hey my darling 11 AM. Just one second, let me make coffee, change and go on terrace. I have just woken up. So still half dazed.  Allow me to come prepared and meet you a bit more awake. Love. Wait! 

11:05

Alright yo! Here I have reached terrace. Had not expected that even to ensure you that I would have to wake up. For none sleeps at this time. But I have no routine. And I am still loving it. I don't know why am feeling happy suddenly. Ever since I have woken up, I just feel like giggling. I even hugged Momsha. Oh that's the best feeling of the world - touchwood. And even teased Bhai. And made coffee and came upstairs. All this in a span of ten minutes. That too without even hurrying. Am super fast, even when am half asleep. 

(Kya kehne mere) 

My head is full of Daydreamer's characters and voices. Even the music is running on in the back of my mind. And today, even in the morning as I was meditating that I could actually experience the love between those two characters as my love with divine. Oh, I was both Jaan and Sanam of the series. I was both Shiva and Shakti. 

Right now though, I feel immensely blessed. Have a coffee alongside. And this rooftop. And happy state of mind. I think I was in the middle of some crazy dream which had a lot f drama. And I was woken up mid way, maybe therefore I am still elated. Crazy though. Normally I would have got angry about it. But not today. I am rather happy for no reason. Oh, Momsha woke me up all of sudden, reminding me of my date with you. Maybe that's why I woke up happy - coz she cared for something I cared for. And she remembered it when even I forgot it. Seriously, we wouldn't have been able to meet today for I had passed out at 8 PM and had lost any sense of time ofcourse while sleeping. 

Oh my darling 11. I am glad we are meeting. 

11:12

Let's plug some music. Though I have less battery today in my phone. But I am surely, it also would support us. Oh, the entire world is supporting us. We just got to live how we wanna live. Am so happy. But why? Don't know. Just am. 

Can you imagine, feeling tickling even while sipping coffee. Am getting tickled under my lower lip. Lol. (Ho kya gya hai mujhe?) 

Alright! We even have music now. Have played 'Mood booster' playlist made by Spotify. These songs gonna work wonders as background to our silly and happy date. Wanna tease you my dear 11. Wanna laugh with you, snitch your nose, kiss you long and deep. Oh, I feel in love. 

So dreamy it feels that I am not even feeling like having coffee for that would wake me up. And this sleepy state feels so good. Oh, is this how I used to feel when I was into intoxicants? I don't know. Been so long of living sober and just experiencing life with all my senses without any external influence. Great to know, it's possible to feel this way without any add ons and still be crazy! I love being crazy. To laugh and yell out of joy. To be spontaneous. To kiss and dance. To run and hop. 

What say? Wanna go on another terrace? Let's go. 

Or let's just be here and hope that nobody comes to disturb us. Let's share a quick smoke. 

11:26

Oh dear 11. I feel as if I have woken from a months' long trance. As if I was a sleeping princess and you woke me up with a kiss. And now I am changed. 

'I can't believe

I finally found someone

God damn

You got me in a love trance'

And time feels to be slipping away yet it's going on at its own sweet pace. Oh, I feel straight spined with my feet tapping to the music. Even the heat around is not affecting me. I just feel good. 

I have been randomly applying to jobs on LinkedIn. It just feels great to have those interview calls and feel the possibility of opportunities. Who knows? What may work. I tried all tested and well directed applications. Now it's blind attempts. I watch Daydreamer these days and blindly apply. And only when few calls come that I realise the exact requirement. But the other day, I went a bit overboard. Lol! Would you believe, I absent mindedly applied for the post of a pastry-chef!!! Ha ha ha .... I am crazy. 

11:31

Also, the orbs have returned finally. Do you know it began in Pushkar. This presence of various orbs around me, ensuring their protective presence around me and they have such magical healing vibe. After returning to Delhi also, they were there alongside for few days and then they had all got vanished. Today, they are back. And I am happy and relieved. They connect me to my white side. They keep me checked. They help me feel love. 

11:33

'I am still in your wild dreams'

I don't know why but faces of all my loved ones are running in my head right now like a movie. Oh! What's happening? And there is no anger, no disappointment. Right now, I can forgive even the worst of people. Right now, I can kiss even a friend. I just feel good about life. 

Oh, I wish it was raining right now with whooshes of wind and happy temprature. Why so hot dear weather? Why so hot Delhi? Hey Eleven, let's be magical. Let's run like wind and splash like waves. Let's make love hard and strong. Let's melt like wax into this moment. 

'when you are looking at me

I have never felt so wild and free'

Even the neighborhood uncle didn't come upstairs. Well, I don't mind him. But hey! He didn't come and I feel good even about that, for we have our solitariness. But he is very considering. He doesn't even come on his own terrace and rather walks on the one beside if I sit here. How sweet of him know. 

If you were Pushkaraj, I would have entered you right now. Such peace that I feel right now. Do you know how huge a compliment that is? Pushkaraj is the ultimate therapy. I loved taking dips there. To enter underwater, listen to my own breath, with my ears blocked by the density of water on either sides and eyes either closed or open to a wise blue sky with numerous birds flying amidst clouds and sunset creating gold and red mazes in the sky and waves of Pushkaraj. Oh, I miss my baths in it. Mantras around, dips with breathing sound, feeling of having loved ones around, oh, my imaginary world! And ofcourse the connection with Gods and cosmos. I miss it. 

11:43

I have watched 81 episodes of Daydreamer in past few days. I think soon I would be speaking like those dubbed voices. Already that I speak with more expressions and hand moments like those characters for I watched the entire series with that much of dedication. I rarely watch a series. But when I do, I give my all to it. And all those Turkish characters looks so good. Also their houses and food that they prepare. And the love between Sanam and Jaan is so pure and perfect. Like soul-mates. Like Albatross - who have only one love in their life and they belong with their entirety to their loved one. 

People change in love. That's the most beautiful part about it. They become better versions of themselves with the extremities of emotions. 

'baby you are like lightening in a bottle

I can't let you go now that I have you

Baby you are electric light'

Lol! What lyrics!!! Ha ha! 

People keep on flying their drones here. But why? And why at this time? 

'coz every morning I find you'

11:49

Oh, I just saw few stars. I think that's a constellation. It's hard to make out constellations here for often half the stars go missing. Stellarium app helps. But it feels better to recognise these stars on my own. So I connected I feel with them. 

Oh, I think that's Ursa minor. That spoon like constellation that we are taught in schools about. 

But these days I feel way more connected to birds. Oh, do you know, there is an eagle with whom I have got specially connected to here in Delhi. He too waits for me and likes my attention. And it would be both an honor and overwhelming emotion to touch it someday and connect to it at more closer level. I love eagles. They are loners, fly the highest in the sky and come down only for food or rest. They never fly in flocks. But don't mind being coupled. Yet, even there that retain their independence along with their togetherness. And if they fly together in a group, they sometimes form groups of four or six and create a kind of wind cham flying round and round around an invisible thread. 

But this one eagle that I meet with every morning at the time of sunrise... he is epic. Has hints on white upon her heart and behind his beak. And he demands my attention often hopping to another terrace it I go too close, yet sitting on terrace very close to me if I happen to check out peacocks or do something else in morning time. He is possessive, self assured, confident. Sometimes he takes an extremely close flight, passing by right above my head, looking deep into my eyes. Oh, one day I may even name him. 

11:57

'I've been living in the future 

Hoping we would meet sooner'

Alright my love! Let's meet tomorrow. Love you!! 

Mmmuuaaah! 

Stay happy and blessed and love you tight. 

You are mine! 

...........

June 4, 22

Hey 11 AM

Am walking upstairs. Just one sec. 

Yo my love. My darling... Wanna share a cold coffee??? Waise, the weather in Delhi is murderous these days. Can you imagine 42 degrees? I just don't know where to go if I need to be in open these days. Entire day I remain at home in AC. thanks to that atleast my body gets chilled and coming outside becomes tolerable for some time. But overall, it's quite suffocating - the weather these days. Alright, enough of cribbing. 

I am quite full right now. Just had self made sabudana khichdi and lovely conversation with Momsha and bro. Had to leave the conversation mid way for I had to meet you. Now it seems so contrasting. Like one moment I was sitting in a well lit room with ideas and experiences getting exchanged, laughter, plates full of mango in front of me and the next moment, am upstairs in a hot dark night with a mug of cold coffee, yet to plug in the music. It's silent. It's fine. Yet to get into our groove. Also, I don't know why but am having headache today. Maybe because of these constant hot and and cold switches. 

11:05

Time for some good music. Have a sip of ice coffee. 

It's Saturday night and I have played 'Hymn for the weekend'. This one carries my most chilled out days of Bangalore. Even the most passionate memories. 

Oh! Been years I have been into that much passion. 

I had a lot of interview calls this morning. Few opened me up, few built more self confidence, few made me stand up for myself, few made me abhor Delhi's attitude of treating people like laborers. Another reason why I love Bangalore. There, if you are capable and bring something of value to the table, then people appreciate it and pay you what you deserve. Not the case with Delhi. Here, all companies want is cheap labor and jugaad. It irks me. Like today, there was this one company. They wanted all kinds of works beginning from business development to key account management to ideation, strategising, script writing, directing, implementing, film making ..  everything. And I loved the part that the entire project was to be handled for I too prefer it that way. But the compensation. Aah! It wasn't even what a fresher would have deserved for that many responsibilities. And event line pays well. So does film making. Yet this greed and misery in people. Your employees are your back bones. They wanted gullible freshers probably or unaware people with low self worth. Why is the 3D realm like this? Why can't people be fair and actually believe in creating something epic on fair terms? 

I can keep on going about random calls but that would waste our time. And I don't wanna crib about corporate shit without even getting into it. Watching Daydreamer had rekindled this spark within me again to go out and work and create. That would help me invest in my own dreams tremendously as well.

Wanna dance?? Let's!!! 

'My bad habits lead to you'

Oh! I miss rain, or a chilled mountain night. 

'Conversations with a stranger I barely know'

These days, everytime I come upstairs, I see many flights passing by. I don't even stay nearby any airport. Either air transportation has really increased a lot. Or else, it's a sign. That soon I would be moving somewhere far far away. Or maybe they represent huge heights in my life. And not all are flights. Many I can't even make out. They seem like satellites and give illusions of slow shooting stars. 

'Look at the stars 

Look how they shine for you'

'I swam across 

I jumped across for you

Oh, what a thing to do

Coz you were all yellow'

Am feeling like having a smoke. But today is Saturday. There is a possibility of random neighbours coming upstairs. Though it's quite hot outside. But you never know. What say? Let's go on another terrace?? Or a quickee over here? Ha ha! 

Ooh! 11:22

Such numbers. 

The date and the year. 

'And all the things that you do'

Today am thinking about Kerala. My first trip there. To Munnar. I had gone solo from Delhi to Bangalore for the first time. And there was this FB friend I met with and directly left for a trip with after few days of staying in Bangalore. It was another level of crazy for I was meeting him for the first time despite of years of connection. And directly that we had gone for a trip. Now I can't even imagine doing it. For I have become fuck choosy with people I spend time with. But then I was crazy free and trusting. And it was so worth it. The fact that it was our first meet made our entire journey full of conversation. We just wanted to know each other. And both of us virgos. We kept on talking and listening and he had taken care of all the planning so there was no time wasted there. And it was the month of July. Kerala becomes lush green during monsoons. And both of us loved Rain. Rather ensured that we stepped out and not let it stop us from going anywhere around. Munnar had epic tea gardens. Periyar had a beautiful Periyar river surrounded by a forest with numerous animals and a streamer boat offering a ride into the insides of that enchanting land. We even rode on elephants. And normally I don't ride or animals for I believe in their freedom but they were well loved by their mahants and I just wanted to touch those elephants and have them splash water upon me and feel the ups and downs upon its back. Also I felt that I won't be a burden to the elephant for he was gigantic. He had even connected to me on soul level. Oh, and we had even go e to Allepay where people get into house boats but we had instead opted for a shikara ride. And had a proper south India thali middle of water somewhere.  It is there that I had held a pet eagle for the first time upon my arm. That was an ultimate experience. Eagles are seriously my favorite birds. To have one right upon my arm was a taste of ultimate freedom and love. There was nothing romantic between my friend and I. Our connection was quite platonic. Also, in a few days our conversation had reduced tremendously and years later I had found him to be rather a boring companion to travel along with. Yet that one trip was cosmic designed just for us. I don't know how I remembered it suddenly. Maybe I miss that freshness and weather. That friend had introduced me to rock music many years before that trip. ACDC still reminds me of him. 

'Khairiyat poocho, 

kabhi toh kehfiyat poocho, tumhare bin deewane ka, 

kya haal hai?'

Now I suddenly remembered the guy from Pushkar. The one I had got feelings for. Somehow this song always reminds me of him. This one, and another song by King and that 'Mattha tekun'.... Actually my entire playlist. For I used to play songs there. And now I just need to make a new playlist. For I don't want to miss him everytime I listen to music. 

11:38 

Maybe I can smoke. Let's hop to the other terrace. Though I doubt anybody would come here as well. But why take risk? Also, it would be a good change to experience another vibe. 

11:41

Alright yo! We are here. I need to cross two buildings to reach here. But worth it. Feels more free. Though the one where I sit mostly is the cleanest and greenest. But here there are trees and gardens right below and around. 

'Ab toh Milo ajnabee'

11:48

'Haan akela hai mann

Par mukammal hai ye

Ki adoore ho tum'

Tarot readings ensure a bright present and future for me. When I listen to my previous blogposts, I sometimes pity myself for being so optimistic. However, even if I never got what I needed but I always got what I wanted. Or I don't know. I mean all my dreams do come true. And I have never been normal. My life has been extra ordinary. And I feel proud of it. Nine years of travel. Explorations of people, places, arts, knowledge, wisdom. What I have is real life's experience. I just couldn't be a slave to the system ever. 

Also, my ideal life always wanted a parallel between passion and profession. These days though it has become so easy to bifurcate the two and look at life practically. Right now, it seems easy to not really get emotionally attached to any atmosphere or work and just do it for the sake of it or for the sake of personal gains. However, if I do something, anything, I do it with all my heart. So I still don't know how right am I to again consider entering the corporate world. Sometimes it scares me. For it hurts me to find office politics or people living multiple lives with multiple plastic faces. I prefer to be myself. And lies disappoint me. 

Oh, how would it feel to have a big break in music industry. To actually sing out healing passionate songs. Or even act as my own character in some series or a movie. Or become a travel anchor. Or meet intelligent people all over the world with sensible conversations. Or direct movies that directly impact the world. When would I grow up? Such dreams! But I believe in them. So be it! Mote it would be. 

'un mei koi ajnabee tha kya? 

Saath saath jo saath chale

Kitna kuch toh keh hi diya hai'

'Roothey roothey se raaste 

Naye naye se lagte hain'

Oh my God!!! Both the ice cubes vanished. It sure is hot. 

'Tere jaane ka gam

Aur na aaney ka gam'

Ha ha 

Dedication to you ice cubes! 

Though I don't have any plans of getting married. But I had huge hopes in terms of love. Still have. But I always chose wrong undeserving guys in my past - is what I now realise. Maybe my own childhood patterns were the cause. Or maybe I had low self esteem back then. Or maybe I had not fully realised my own power or being. 

I still am not seeking anyone. But this character of Jaan and the kind of honest, raw love he carries for Sanam; oh, it's so touching. That's the kind of love I would some day wish to have in my life. But before that, there is so much that I wish to do. Don't wanna get into any emotions before fulfilling my dreams. Though my dreams are endless.  But few are essential. And I need all my freedom and strength to achieve them. 

And then, few can be created and accomplished together with the love of my life. 

12:02

Oh! Hey 12. Didn't even realise the passing of time today. Welcome!!

'Khamoshiyan ik raaz hain

Seene mei dafan hain kahin 

Khamoshiyan jo paas hain 

Mai tum se kahunga kabhi

Baant lunga Mai 

Saath mei tere

Milne toh aao zroor'

And here you are dear 12. My sukoon. Say Hi to 11. It's giving me sweet peace and companionship these days. Also, it's my anchor. My reason to be home. My sense of belongingness this year. 

'Haay mai kya karun

Tere chehre se nazar nai hatati'

Aah! Wisps of wind. Beautiful. Soothing.

 

'rabb vi khel hai khele

Roz lagawe mele

Kenda kuch na badla 

Jhuth bole har velle'

This song is seriously love. Beautiful lyrics. And I love her voice. Jasleen Kaur. The first time I had heard her was years back when she must have been a teenager and wasn't so popular. It was some cover and I had assumed her to be some Pakistani girl. Her voice had retained in my head. And I remembered her kaajal. It's years later when I got to know her. And I love each of her songs. 

12:12

Nice! I love magic of numbers. 

'Warrior of Love'

Another flight is passing by. Oh! Where is everyone flying to? 

A new world maybe? A new level of being! A new consciousness. A world filled with love, honestly, passion, art, healthy life, wealthy morals. Oh! 

'Kahin toh hogi wo duniya'

'Tere kareeb aa rha hoon 

Khud se mai door ja rha hoon 

Ye bewajah toh nahi hai

Tu jo mila

Dheere dheere se Tera hua'

Alright my loves. Catch you tomorrow. 

Mmmmuuuaaah 

............

June 5, 22

Hey dear 11 AM

It's the first time we even have a crescent moon alongside. And it's magical and pretty. 

'Come show me your kindness

In your arms I know I'll find it

Lying safe with you I know

I am born again'

I just had a yummy mango shake and came upstair. I woke up after an unbelievable 15 hour long sleep this evening. Ever since I have been having shakes and cakes. Though Navratris are going on but I went a bit experimental and made cakes out of kuttu and sanvak aattaa. And they are epic. 

Today I also woke up towards evening and even then it became home alone for Momsha and Bhai had to go somewhere towards evening. So it became an everyday, only the light outside was different and I was living an evening instead of morning. 

Sunday though went well. Full sleep. Full of yumminess. Overall content. But ya, I just lose any sense of reality when I sleep as much. 

Check out the moon though. It's too pretty. Let's go on another terrace. 

11:07

Alright yo! Here we are. I guess this is becoming more of our spot. For often times I meet you here itself. 

The moon is about to be lost in the fecundity of night. A mild breeze finally. 

I can think of long long back about my childhood. When I had won a poetry competition in pre kg. I must be 3 years old. And I had become a butterfly. Mom had seen golden wings for me out of mount-board and glaze paper. And in a pink frock had I prayed a poem in my previous school.. I still have a picture of that time. And there was a picture story book of crow that I had won back then. Why it came to me right now? I don't know. Just sharing. 

11:11

Oh! After our first day. Finally. 

Love you. 

Stay magical. Stay blessed. Stay happy. Stay free. 

Wanna share a smoke? Am a bit conscious today. Let me take a round. And then we can.

'I am not afraid 

Of anyone

Like before

Don't you understand? 

My heart's on fire!'

Oh. Just look at the moon. It's golden and magnificent. 

'When will I see you again

When will our hearts be together? 

Are we in love? 

Or just friends? 

Is this the beginning

Or is this the end?'

And the moon is below my vision. Can still be seen if I make an effort. It's just behind a tree. Music is great. Even has whistling in it. 

These days are going so great. Rest, relaxation, consumption of everything good. Good food, good vibes, good atmosphere, good people, good solitariness, good entertainment. Everything good. Divine goodness. Oh, this is in real cloud eleven!! 

'Maybe I have always felt this way

It's just moments who made us so afraid

Lately I have been wondering

Who I am to you!'

I think I have grown a bit heavy on my thighs. Or maybe these trousers are tight just over thighs. But yeah! I can feel them thickening more than my normal. They look sexy but I prefer to be more toned. My waist and all is still intact, in perfect shape. Just the thighs. I don't know why they are gaining fats suddenly. All for good I hope. 

Did you hear that? The peacocks are still singing in the park below. They just hang out upon these elongated trees all around. And then they keep calling each other numerous times at night. In the morning each peacock is surrounded by a group of peahens. And they all hang out on all neighbouring societies and trees. I feel lucky to have a home at this green and epic a place in Delhi. For not all places in Delhi have this broad roads or this green a surrounding. But my locality is quite great. Has accessibility to metro, has malls, has many gardens, lakes, animals and birds. And mornings and evening are quite pretty over here. Though I don't like Delhi, but I still love my home and locality. I feel safe here. And there is an abundance of nature here - which is the best part. 

'We should be happy together forever

You and I'

11:39

I don't have much to say. Like I can talk about the meditation session I had today which had complete body scanning. Or I can speak about a senseless argument I had with that Kora kagaz guy last night who is always emotionally charged. Or I can think of something intelligent and discuss spirituality or religion or psychology. Just, I am not much in a mood to talk these days. Am not even doing music. Just not expressing. Not sharing even on insta or FB. Am just being and at peace. 

'strumming my pain with his fingers

Killing me softly with his words

Killing me softly with his song'

Let's write a poem together? What say? Been long. Cool. Let's give it a try. 

THE MILD CHIRPING OF BIRDS

THE GENTLE TWITTER OF CICADAS

A SOFT MOON

THE MOON BUGS

A HUGE POND MIDDLE OF FOREST

YOU AND I, AND OUR SONG

WALKING ON THROUGH UPS ANS DOWNS

SINGING ON, GOING ON

ARE WE TOGETHER? 

ARE WE APART? 

SHARING SILENCE. 

TALKING THROUGH SONGS. 

YOUR WHISTLE 

MY PRANCE

HAND IN HAND 

WE WALK ON

THROUGH IMAGINARY LANES

OF TOGETHERNESS

BEYOND FEARS OF SEPARATION 

CREATING A NEW WORLD

FILLED WITH LOVE. 

Ha ha! Came out romantic. Just wrote something with you my love. I feel good. Even if it seems absurd. 

I wanna listen to jazz right now. And also dance with wine and you beside. Not here though. Somewhere far away. A world of love. A world of freedom.

'I give you my heart and soul...

Coz baby with you the world just seems

So easy to conquer'

And I again can only think about Jaan and Sanam. It's epic - the power of media. One can live another life through characters. 

It was extremely hot today. Thankfully it's breezy right now. Maybe because of the heat pressure. Good for us know. 

Oh, there was a scene I got immensely touched by in Daydreamer. So Jaan had two moonstones that he always kept along with him. One white and one black. He never allowed anyone to touch them. It so happened that the white one got broken by Sanem. Jaan though got disturbed for it has never broken earlier. But do you know what he did? He chiseled the rock and made a proposal ring out of one piece for Sanem out of it. It touched me. 

I already knew that if a special crystal gets broken, you can share it with your loved one. But Jaan didn't know it. It was his gesture. Oh! It was extremely sweet. 

This series though has loads of useless scenes and senseless dialogues. Yet the meaning and emotions are deep and directly touch soul. 

'You might need somebody 

You might need somebody too'

My long long sleep today ensured loads of dreams. I don't remember them but yes, all my relatives were there. In one of them I was travelling with all my relatives to some destination and all my bags were loaded in that bus including my ukulele, my rugsack, my laptop, my pink tiny bag, all bags. And all relatives. Even the distant ones. I even did a silly thing with two of my relatives. So I reached somewhere with them and realised that I had to buy something for someone else. A d I was fifty rupees short. So I asked those distant relatives for those fifty rupees and when they thought about it, I told them, 'Wtf? Don't you think my time and energy deserves atleast this much. How can you even think about it?' 

Lol! I woke up feeling funny. 

Hey 12! Welcome! 

I don't have much to talk about today. 11 and I are just chilling talking about random things and chilling. Join us. 

Just now a song came that mentioned 'love me like a summer day'. I was like, who loves a summer day? And instantly I thought of one summer day long long back in our previous house when I was a child. During summer afternoons, mom, bhai and I used to sleep upon the marble floor of ground floor room because it was always chilly and mom used to sleep with Bhai and I used to read books right beside. That one afternoon I always remember where I had just had watermelon and there was this epic book about a boy who had tamed dragons and had a dragon as his own special friend. Oh! I had fallen in love with the book and there was this moment where even as a child I suddenly had felt so blessed to be having such a relaxed and beautiful afternoon. It was one summer day I would always love. 

'I am in a Newyork state of mind'

Oh, it's breezy finally. After so long, it's so relieving to be out in open and feel comfortable. The weather is seriously fine. Thank you dear cosmos for making it bearable, rather nice. 

Are you linking it dear 11 and 12? Isn't it great to be out listening to the breeze whistling through leaves? Isn't it wonderful to be one of the stars in a night sky? 

'When our lives get over

Remember, when we were together

That we were alone

When I was singing the song to you'

Love you 

Good night 

See you tomorrow 

........

6.6.22

Hey my darling 11 AM. 

'Mainu sheti sheti mil dholna

Mai taa theek nahi aan tere bin'

So am already on the other terrace with a brewing coffee beside and an almost half moon blazing in the sky. 

I don't know why am feeling angry. Like a girl came to our house. She is bhai's friend and is of my age. I had a great conversation with her in afternoon. Then she suddenly vanished as Momsha and I were talking. Later she came out but had her phone all the time in her hand. I just hate such conversations where the other person doesn't give you importance enough to give his/her 100 percent. Plus, I had other things to do. And I didn't want to shift any of my routine just because suddenly she felt like hanging out. Anyway, I was still polite, and was still trying to find innocence in her eyes. But one thing that was affecting me was that she had not even taken a bath despite of taking a flight and reaching here all the way from Gujrat. I mean we bath thrice a day at home itself. And she was sitting everywhere and though I accepted it, but I could t accept being an entertainment for her. And to ice it up, Mom brought her to my room to display my paintings. I understand that she feels proud of my arts. But I am no more a child and surely don't want to show off my arts to anybody and everybody.

It was with some magic that I had finally got the courage and energy to send my book to a publication house. Her entry into my room simply changed the energy of both my room and mind and I got enraged though I didn't say anything. Am not a child anymore. And I just don't like entertaining random people. And I was still polite and gave my best but she was a total 'meh' girl who didn't deserve my time or energy. Even what I had already given her. Oh, sorry for cribbing again. And thanks for helping me vent out. 

Time to move on to better things. A crescent moon. A great coffee. Let's have a smoke first to change the vibe. 

Oh. A relieving song...

'Aji rooth kar ab

Kahan jayiaiega

Jahan jayiaiega

Humein payiega'

I love this song. Pushkar memory ! Remember that guy for whom I had developed feelings? Let's call him 'Longing'. Because I had written an entire book for him by this name. So yeah! Once, I had gone out for a hike with some random guy I had met with in the cafe. 'Longing' got super pissed and possessive and even took out his anger upon others around. It was a red flag at the same time assured me of his feelings for me. Maybe I was imagining. Maybe it all happened. Who knows? But yeah! It's then that I played this song 'Aji rooth kar' as a dedication to him.

'Ab thak chuke hain kadam 

Chal ghar chalein mere humdam'

Sanem and Jaan in my head again. I would want a guy like Jaan in my life. And I would have a love as passionate and pure like them in my life. Though my story would be unique. But my guy would be a traveler, a musician, a strong confident man who would have courage to take a stand and together with him that I would create love and do welfare. And together we would dance, travel, sing, take care of dogs in our dog shelter, run businesses, bath in rain, write poems, have crazy intense love chemistry. We would take passion to another dimension - a union of body, mind and soul -. With its utmost purity, passion and intensity. 

11:22

Nice digits. 

Another plane passing by. Kahan chalein btao? 

And I can't believe that I have a this silly a song in my playlist!!! Lol.... Wanna know which one??

'Naina lade ke lade reh gye'

Ha ha ha

Lmao

Must have got added on during Pushkar. I think I was living some old school romance in my fantasy world. And that guy was a mute. Never even uttered a word of courage. Always lied. What a sucker I was for some genuine connection. Crazy! 

Would never get into such a pit again. 

11:30

Oh, the moon is a golden crescent beauty right now. Moon still reminds me of M. My Manali, Goa and Uttarakhand connection. Why destiny bumped us so many times into each other, I still don't know. Why I felt so intensely for him, including his deep most feelings despite of the distance, I still don't know. How did I develop that strong a psychic connection with him? And how come he never valued it? I considered him my twin flame. Maybe he was a karmic. Born to taught me better self esteem. And to never get into that much of love that you lose yourself. Nonetheless, all romance got developed in me, thanks to him. 

11:33

'Har mulakat pe mehsoos 

Yehi hota hai

Mujh se kuch teri nazar pooch 

Rahi ho jaise

Jaagte jaagte ik umr

Kati ho jaise'

11:39

Let's go somewhere else today dear 11. Let me take you to one of my favourite and most beautiful place of my life. Ross and Smith islands in Andamaans. 

Oh! Turquoise water, white sandy shore. Loads of sea shells. Hardly any humans around. Green forest on one side with crazy human shaped trees. Shells that are only seen in travel magazines leisurely spread upon the shore. The water changes shades there from turquoise to aqua blue to even green and dark blue. Sun plays it's colorful games upon the waves. And water remains crystalline pure. 

Nobody is allowed to stay there. And on one isolated corner are wooden quarters made by tribals that remain open and abandoned to be visited by lucky wanderer like I - late towards evening with not even a single soul around but one lonely boat waiting for me and my companion and an entire magic land open for us. 

11:44

What say? Wanna remove any artificial garbs and go crazy over here? Let's even let the boat go and stay here on this magic land. Let's wait for the moon and then Sun and eat raw coconuts and have lazy beach runs. Let's make love here on the bare sandy beaches and take a shelter in these abandoned wooden cottages. Let's hop upon trees and watch an endless sea. 

Oh! My love. I love Ross and Smith. Someday I would surely love to get lost with a loved one there. 

From childhood I have this fear and obsession to get lost on some island some day. I even tried non veg food long back just to prepare myself for that day. 

Oh, the moon is all red. Reminds me of Chidiyatapu beach again in Andamans. That's a touristy place but offers crazy magical evening shades spread upon purple waves hued with red, orange, gold and blues. 

'Bahaut ayi gayi yadein 

Magar is baar tum hi ana

Irade fir se jaane ke

Magar is baar nahi laana'

I understand that Momsha just wants others to like me. She wants others to see that side of me that I don't show off or is seen casually. But it gets weird. Also the timings. I later get regret about feeling angry. But I just don't want everyone to like me like that. My ideas or presence should be enough. And not like I hide my talents. Like I would be super proud and happy to show off if someone walks into my room and shows curiosity with genuine interest. Why show it off like that? It's not an exhibition. My room is my private space. So are the conversations that I have with her in person. But I don't even want to get rude to her. I love her. Maybe I will talk to her lightly but directly about it. Hope she will understand. 

I had decided not to talk about my personal stuff here. I just can't help it. It seeps in. And I am not me if I am not authentic over here. I tried that way of being selective about topics we cover here. But that would not really help us reach the real depths. So be it. 

11:55

'O jaanejaa

Ye tujhe kya hua

Kyun tu na sune

Ye meri daastaan'

The moon is almost drowning in the loving embrace of night sky. 

Oh, this morning I pampered myself with an oil champi fused with Aleovera. There was castor oil, coconut oil, mustard oil, vitamin e, amla, alsi, multani mitti, herbal oils etc. And Aleovera. It was therapeutic. I am trying to get my hair healthy again. My month long sickness in the last month of my stay in Pushkar weakened my hair and health both. Now I got to regrow them and make them healthy both inside and outside. So I eat healthy and also take care of them. 

Alright my love! Will catch you tomorrow. 

Love you. 

Mmmmuuuaaah 

............

June 7, 22

Yo darling 11 AM. How are you? Am on my own terrace. Just wanted to be here today. Wait. Just give me a minute. Let me finish this smoke and then we will talk. There is a pretty moon though. Check it out. 

Hey! Check out. A flying lantern. Now it feels magical. It's unusual to find a flying lantern here and at this time of year. Reminds me of Shree and Pushkar. On Makar sakranti, the day after flying kites, we flew two lanterns. Shree had got me a bag full of flying lanterns - in all colors. He wanted to give a surprise and make me happy. He is such a pure soul and his love is immensely intense and pure for me. Oh, I miss him. And I miss his companionship and love. 

'Tere bin ab na lenge 

Ik bhi dam

Tujhe kitna chahne Lage hum'

It's been three days I had had a chat with him. I wish he gets hold of a phone soon and anyhow contact me. It must be difficult for him as well. For he shares each and everything with me. I miss him. Seriously. For so many days I was so indulged in Daydreamer that I couldn't give him my hundred percent. Also, I have got a bit laidback at home. 

Oh, about that girl at my home. So last night we spent talking one on one. I can't tell you how bored I get. She was a super slow speaker and though she shared her pains and life with me and it's divine's wish if someone trusts you, but it sure was a check of my listening capacity. One, I had not slept for good two days and then she was just going on and on about useless incidents and at super slow speed. It was at 4 AM that I finally left her and straight came upstairs. At first I was super sleepy but as morning grew, it became windy and I all of sudden felt a sudden boost of energy. I danced and danced looking at the windy cloudy blue sky and felt epic to be connected to the birds and nature. Even my eagle came upclose and kinds of waltz right above my head. It felt great. 

It was by 10:30 that I could finally sleep post watering plants, a therapeutic bath and meditation.  By that time I was 80% dazed anyway. 

I slept till afternoon for I needed it. Also I realised, she is bhai's guest. And it's not my duty to entertain her. And I did what I could have done without even knowing her. Something in her is not letting me trust her. All though even last night I was looking at her innocent eyes and listening to her sad story but something within was telling me to just run off. But I didnt. I don't know why I couldn't trust her. 

And she follows the same spiritual organisation that my family follows. But that shouldn't be a reason enough to trust anyone with your entire home and energy sphere. 

Mom says, I should belong and be more trusting. She said that Guruji recommends opening your home to everyone. But I just am not that trusting. Like, if you are available to host someone, it's still fine, but how do leave your entire house to anyone just like that. 

Mom says, everything is temporary. That these things are not that essential. However, one should always be kind and generous. I understand it all theoretically. I don't know why I have lost this blind trust in people. I take my own sweet time to trust anyone. 

Seems so contrasting to my spiritual side. On one hand I talk about collective consciousness and know that everyone is one and love to belong to the entire universe. On the other hand I be so judgemental and totally listen to my intuition and never trust anyone blindly for a long time. One reason can be that so many have betrayed my trust in my past. But that shouldn't change me right? I should still believe in goodness and love because that would make me light. 

'Chaadar of shanka mat kariyo

Do din tum ko deeni'

Yet, I have memories and impressions and a mind that has grown to not trust anyone blindly. 

'Moorakh log bhed nahi jaane

Tin tin maili keeni

Chadariya jheeni re jheeni'

Anyway, she is leaving tomorrow morning. And I don't wanna talk or think about her anymore. That's why I check numerous times before letting anyone into my energy centre. It affects me way much. 

'Kaagaz ke do pankh le ke 

Uda chala jaaye re

Jahan nahi jaana tha ye

Wahin chala haay re'

I had covered this one in Pushkar along with ukulele. I didn't even know those mornings would become that cherished a memory for me. I was recovering from a bad cough during those days. But used to ensure every morning in my guest house's rooftop. and since I wasn't a part of Ramayana paath anymore, I used to practice music on rooftop post meditation. Every sunrise, every meditation there, each song I learned and practiced; along with Pushkarraj lake, the surrounding Aravali hills, greens amidst ancient buildings, done like rooftop of Atmateshwar temple, numerous birds chirping around - they all became etched upon my soul and became therapeutic memories. 

11:26

What say? Wanna go on another terrace. It's way hot today though. But ya. It would be a change for me and a normal for us. Let's go. 

'Jaane kya dhoodta hai 

Ye Mera dil

Tujh ko kya chahiye zindagi'

11:30

I have reached another rooftop. And it has got windy as well. And this one is more solitary so I suddenly feel good. Had to get into another energy field. 

Why are our minds so designed that certain things keep on revolving in our heads? Even the useless stuff? One should rather live each moment fully. 

Another reason why I miss Bangalore so much. My full on life there. My independence. And this zeal to live fully, passionately and make the most out of each moment with all my senses. But yeah! One keeps changing. 

'Dil keh rha hai

Tujh se yun rishta jod lun

Teri dhadkano ko choo lun

Tera jism of lun'

11:46

I have discovered a new way to learn anything. So recently I got into this practice of playing 'Blocks' (a phone game) along with watching Day dreamer. Now even when I only play that game, that I get into that entire vibe of Day dreamer - the love, the passion, the faces of those characters. So if a child is taught something while playing a game, there are more chances of him remembering that content because he would link it to certain colors, that activity while his brain would be more active and alive - all engrossed in the game, simultaneously absorbing information as a collective experience - unconsciously. 

'Door se koi aye

Kahin chup ke se sama jaye 

Saajna'

I don't know why am feeling sleepy. Eyes feel heavy. Got to take so much useless stuff off my head. And then there is reality asking me if I am alive. 

But we are cloud eleven. Right? This is the time to delve into abundance. 

'Feeling so faithless

Lost under the surface

Don't know what you are expecting of me

But walking in pressure 

Of being in your shoes'

Oh, I talked to Momsha directly about how I felt and Ishe understood. Rather so humbly said that she was sorry and also told me that she must change now for her kids have grown up. Oh, I was relieved and guilty at the same time. But she appreciated the fact that I spoke out my concerns instead of keeping it inside. Oh! I was touched. She has been so supportive ever since I have returned. 

'caught up in your storm

And I don't wanna get out

Love your rain poring down

Washing over me

I wanna feel you 

Under these clouds'

11:57

Oh, it's great, today you and I also shared silence in between. Rather there was an instant where I completely forgot that I was talking with you, so much caught was I in my own thoughts. But you came as a gentle reminder and there we were talking again. 

'You are a thunderstorm on me

And I love the way you move'

I was about to bid you farewell for tonight. But let's just be together for a bit long. For a wisp of breeze asked me so. The moon is exactly half and right across. 

Hey 12! Ssup? Welcome. 

'Kabhi gardishon ka maara

Kabhi khwahishon se haara

Roothe chaand ka hai chakor'

Ha ha. shree once yelled out my name outside my guest house to call me. I wasn't sure about his feelings for me back then. So one day I got super angry with him reminding him of his age and asking him not to call me by my name. I told him to call me didi. He denied. Lol. Then I told him to call me chaand or chakor. We settled on chaand. But later he himself turned to Deedz. Although he never uttered those words directly but atleast on chat he began to call me behna or deedz. But it took him months to reach there. Yet our connection simply never needed a definition or salutation. It was destined. Like a past life connection. A must have destination. I feel super lucky to have him in my life. My shotu sa bhai. My Krishna. My batuk bhairav. My friend. My dost. My God. My companion. Oh, he means a lot to me. 

'Ye moh moh ke dhaage

Teri ungliyon se ja uljhe 

Koi toh toh na laage 

Kis tarah gurah ye suljhe 

Hai rom rom ik taara

Jo baadlon mei se guzre'

Oh! It has become windy. And I am loving it. It seems as if it would rain. Though weather forecast says, it would be 44 degrees tomorrow. Though I am always the first one to feel the upcoming rain. And I just felt a drop upon my cheek. 

'Tu hoga Zara paagal 

Toone mujh ko hai chuna

Kaise toone ankaha 

Toone an kaha 

Sab suna'

12:12

Yo! Lucky digits. 

The moon just went behind a tower. What say? Kya karein ab? 

Let's try a Haiku. 

Smile, smile ferocious

Live, live magnificently

Dream, dream to achieve. 

Oh, good work dear 11 and 12. Let's try more. 

I miss the connection

Of togetherness and love

Soon! V. Soon we would be one. 

The night is intense

Filled with passion

All in imagination.  

Let's change our dimension 

Let's move beyond words

An energy of pure love. 

Be so gracious

That the world wonders

How to be you! 

I think the last one came out great. What do you feel? 

Alright my loves! Time to leave. 

See you Tomorrow dear 11. 

Love you! 

Mmmmuuuaaahh 

Or let's be together for a bit more. Let's just talk. 

Oh! Lightening. Like a lucky sign. 

O.k. 

So let'a go to Goa today! Let me take you to Cola - one of my favourite beaches there. Why I like it is because not many know about it. Or didn't use to know about it till the time I used to visit it. It's in south Goa. Nearby Agonda beach. Not many Indian go there. Also, it is a bit foreigner obsessed. But apart from that discrimination, the place is magical. There is a fresh water lake there on one side, a tiny patch of sand and a giant sea right after it. One can swim in the sandy waves of sea and then go enter the fresh water turquoise lake to freshen up. The temperature is always opposite in both the water bodies. If sea waves get warm the lake gets cold and vice verse. I learned floating and kaiyaking there. There were two Nepali guys I had befriended in Agonda and one of them was super humble and handsome. He taught me swimming and floating there. With him I did kayaking again. Kayaking wasn't my first time there. But the experience was unique. They were both great guys. 

And Cola beach remains my favorite. It's super pure, clean, green and magical. 

Can you feel the freshness of the lake? Do you wanna go grab a bear from a lakeside shag upon a cliff overlooking the sea on the other side? 

Do you wanna come alongside me and jump through the waves rolling over us? Let's! 

And then we would run to the lake, get rid of the sand and swim till the lagoons. Further in there is a place where a stream running through the forest joins the lake. There are mangrove forests as well over there. And the water changes colors there. 

It's too exotic and a treat to soul and senses. 

Mangrooves remind me of West Bengal though. There was one trip years back when I had gone to Sundar bans with my ex. I always remember the flat rickshaws that people still use there and all the houses have small ponds outside there houses which have a bridge linking the kaccha road outside to their home's door. The ride in a steam boat is a must. Though you don't get to see any tiger. But the boat takes you through various islands of West Bengal and suddenly River Matla enters the gigantic Bay of Bengal. That moment can't ever be described in words. For suddenly the landscape changes. The mangrooves on either sides change into sandy beaches and there along with the river you too become a sea. It's meditative, so empowering, so divine. As if you become a soul and merge with the cosmos. 

'Kahin toh hogi wo 

Duniya jahan tu mere saath hai

Jahan tu, jahan mai 

Aur jahan 

Bas tere mere jazbaat hain'

With this song I reached Goa again. There was an evening where M was doing a gig in a cafe. We were all staying in Arambol during those days. I was too much in love. I took a picture from distance. A selfie. And got happy to have him and I in one frame. How silly was I. How much in love. Why do we love so much? 

'You life is the ocean 

And your heart is a wave

Like a dog in the sun

I found my peace in your storm'

Another moment with M that is unforgettable is one from our initial days. One night before he was about to leave. My pup Chill was also alongside. He, I and Chill were in one bed under a blanket. It was cold and we were in old manali. There was laughter,  music, teasing and intensity of a newly felt love. Who knew the journey we were about to get on. I knew. I had felt there and then how much I had already fallen in love. 

Yet each of our experiences make us stronger. It would have shattered me otherwise to revive from Pushkar connection otherwise. 

'Aint no sunshine when she's gone

It's not warm when she is away'

Though there was hardly anything with 'Longing' or L. Yet I lived a lifetime without even breathing. Crazy the energetic connections. It was an impossibility. I knew it. Yet deep in I was also considering the compromises in terms of lifestyle. We were never compatible. I still don't know what pulled me towards him. 

12:42

What say? Chalein? Ki baithein? 

Ha ha! It's after such a long time that I have got this windy a night. It just feels good. 

'Knock knock knocking on heaven's door'

I feel so free suddenly. Finally out of a head full of useless shit. I feel empty. I feel free. I feel light. 

'shard khuda ka

Jarf khuda ka

Ali Ali Ali 

Chali o 

Ali Ali teri gali

Wo to chali

Ali Ali 

Chali o'

Alright my loves. Time to go! Just not feeling like going today. Each time an thinking of going back that a wisp of wind is stopping me. 

I am feeling like taking you to all the exotic places I have been to. And you can take me to the places I have still not seen. 

But yes. Each day, I will share a unique place with you. It also makes me feel good. Keeps me connected to the exotic side of mine, to the traveler in me. And assures me of the magical life I have lived so far would continue on. 

Love you! Bahaut saara. Stay happy. Stay blessed. 

'Hey babe, take a walk on the wild side'

See you tomorrow. 

Mmmuuuaah 

...........

June 8, 2022

Hey my love. My darling 11. 

Just give me a second. Let me lock and go upstairs. It's a fine night. I have coffee with me. And a will to be free. In my heart - peace. Let's go! 

11:03

Alright yo! Not only I have come upstair but have also reached on the other terrace, I mean - our spot. 

I guess I should have got cold water instead of latte today. But yeah! It's not even black coffee like usual. I don't know why I am having black coffee these days. 

Oh, I ordered spearmint leaves today online. It's a herbal tea. It's epic for PCOD. A girl long back had recommended it in Goa. I had even consumed one entire packet and then later had stopped the practice. Maybe it would be a better alternative to having so much of coffee the entire day. 

The moon is more than half today. A bat just passed making kissing sounds in air. 

I am more thirsty after having sanvak dhodhe with curd. That's a fast special food and I love it when Momsha makes it. 

It's alright - the weather, I mean, Maybe I am not habitual to it. Atleast at this time. Though I stay inside the entire day in AC. And just a month back when I had returned from Pushkar, I was taking pride in finally learning to be comfortable in heat and was rather concerned about winters for the first time in my upcoming trip to Himachal. But I decided to stay back. And here I have again got a comfort zone. Though I know, I would soon have to move. Right after our meet up sessions, numerous changes gonna happen in my life. Next month would be a life changer - in a positive way. All though I had huge hopes even from this month. But then I decided to stay back, heal the past, forgive others and self and just be where my destiny pulled me. It's going fine. 

11:11

Yo! Magic. Abundance. Protection. Joy. Universal connection. Collective consciousness. 

Let's play some music. 

Have played an unplugged playlist on Jio Saavan. It has some other vocalists. 

'Kachchi doriyon doriyon se 

Mainu tu baandh le'

Today in Daydreamer, after a long cold war with Sanem and both of them suffering yet maintaining their ego, Jaan simply picked up Sanem upon his shoulder after some contest and drove all the way to mountains in snow in a wooden cottage - just to talk things out. And they got into their silly arguments and hidden feelings upon brim. It was cute. And oh, everything touches me. Ranging from all characters making their careers in whatever capacity, to crazy opportunities that they get lucky to get or themselves create; to the intensity of love and such genuine people with purity of black and white. There is none that raises hate in that series. Even the meanest of people are light and just behave within the limits of emotional intensities. It's a light series yet touches deeply. 

'Har mulaqat pe mehsoos

Yehi hota hai

Mujh se kuch teri nazar pooch rhi ho jaise

Jaagte jaagte ik umr 

Kati ho jaise'

Today, time is running. And days are just passing by here in Delhi. I have again got into monotony and I have begun to get a bit anxious. Though today was finally peaceful for that girl finally left early morning. I changed all bed sheets and cushion covers. And just felt the energetic shift both at home and within me. 

I just had no control there. She was suddenly at my home and mind space. Glad she left. 

Though I also told myself that she wasn't even that powerful. Just I got affected energetically. 

Today even my dreams got better. 

Oh, for past two three days I am getting up speaking in my own dreams. Like I utter something and that wakes me up. And then I realise, oh, I have been talking in sleep. It's crazy! Glad I sleep alone for my dreams get real insane and crazy at times. 

I had a phone conversation with my bestie in Bangalore after a very long time. We just talked for half an hour where only she could share. She didn't ask and I was getting late anyway. Yet just listening to her voice, filled me with love. And even if she was sharing her problems, yet her voice itself was making me happy. I love her a lot. And always pray for her happiness. Once, she was my everyday. We used to walk and talk in office hours. Nobody used to believe that we had met in office itself. So close we got from the first day. We even share our birthdays - same day, same year. Though she is my alter ego - in every aspect. Yet, deep in, we just get each other. Without even speaking much. And we talk rarely, but cover everything and always stand by each other. She means a lot to me. Though it must be now three four years that we have met. Yet despite of long distance, despite of rare conversations, despite of numerous changes in both of our lives, yet we are connected and deeply. 

11:31

Where would you like to go alongside today dear 11??

First let me change the playlist. Though the music is good but we have heard it before. And it's new that I want. 

Have played Love mash-ups. 

'Honge juda na 

Jab tak hai dam

Chal ghar chalein

Mere hum dam'

11:40

'shayad kabhi na keh sakunga main tumko

Na chahiye kuch

Tumse zyada 

Tumse Kam nahi

Jo tum na ho

Toh hum bhi hum nahi'

I think it's good that so many songs got connected to L in Pushkar. Now, anytime my mind is getting swayed away in a black pool, some song comes and reminds me of all the love I felt and that feeling of being loved overpowers any negativity and heals me. Everything has a reason, I am sure.

Oh, I am getting tired of sitting today. Weird! Back support is like a heat treatment for the wall behind is super hot. 

'Tum saath ho fir kya baaki ho

Mere liye tum, kaafi ho'

11:44

Let's go to a fantasy land today dear Eleven. I don't wanna go to my past. Take me to future instead. Or take me beyond time in the present. 

'Channa ve, channa ve

Kuch toh hai tere mere 

Darmiyaan kyun lage'

Take me somewhere even I don't the whereoff of. 

Like a green mountain, way high, with trees on all sides. A river, even a sea beside. Loads of dogs to pamper. A hammock outside. Winter upon height or even beach side. Dips into fresh water of the river. Love making upon a giant rock river side surrounded by forest. Secluded land with none but you and I, animals, birds and nature. 

Now I can only think of Old Manali and Goa together. Ha ha. 

If only I could have fused them together. But it's our fantasy land. We can! Let's just be on mountains till our heart's delight then whoosh down and reach white snad by turquoise blues. Let's roll in the waves, make love underwater and then roll a bit more upon the cold sand and watch sunrise and sunsets beach side with beers and loads of love. Let's have Rum upon the mountain and live a winter full of love. This reminds me, it's been so long I have actually had any liquor.  Nothing at all. Pushkar changed me drastically. I got way too religious. And I have always been spiritual. But even the rare cheat days seemed wrong later on. 

Now though these ideas just pass by. To imagine am even talking about these things in an Ashtami and that too while am fasting. lol... Reminds me of an year in Old Manali when I used to keep fasts on all Mondays and not eat anything but drink juices. And liquid diet even included rum. Ha ha. My friend's used to make fun of me, saying what kind of fasts were they. But I always stood strong that it was my wish to fast and therefore my decision to decide the terms. In Pushkar those memories seemed like a sin. Now it all seems funny. 

How we latch ourselves in self imposed chains. 

11:55

'Banjaron sa fira hoon mai

Ban ja na tu ghar ka pata'

L used to detest anyone having liquor. He was like, I just don't like those people who consume it. And I judged him there. For not everyone gets crazy after having it. And true, it gets one's energy level down spiritually; but sometimes it works wonders to lighten up or feel free. And yes, any state of mind is possible without even consuming it - is what I realised in last two three years for I could reach the frequencies of various people without doing anything just because I had reached there earlier. .. yet, I still didn't judge anyone even having it. However, when one loses one's mind and does anything excessively, it's then that I did judge and just could feel the difference in their sense of reality and stupidity. 

Yet, glad that am still as rigid about life. Nor compulsive. Maybe in a right setting or a given day, I won't mind getting into it again some day in some amount. Who knows. 

Haah! See. Our entire trip got drunk it seems. 

Welcome 12!!! Wanna get drunk? Lol! Joking. We are getting high just talking about it. 

And I don't even know why? Am not even feeling like having anything. Even my mug of coffee is sitting beside waiting for the touch of my pink lips upon the red surface of of the mug. Yet here I a, talking about random drinks and my opinions. Lol. 

So, we are flying today in our fantasies? We are on cloud Eleven. Hop on. Take a flight. Reach our height. Let's make crazy passionate love mid air even above the snowy cotton clouds. Even beyond Sun and Moon. Where we be but dots. Celestial energies, way beyond You and you and I. But one. One with the cosmos. One with the universal energies. 

'Ye chalti hawaein 

Le jayein kahan 

Ye ik dooje ke jaane Bina

Kab do dilon ki hui yaariyaan 

Dil na jaaniya'

This song somehow reminded me of M again. It's with his voice that I had fallen in love with for the first time. I heard him the first time in a cafe and just couldn't get enough. I went everyday post that day and that's how I got two most special connections of my life. M and a friend Shasha. I fell in love with M. And so much in love was I, and so much together all three of us used to be that even with Shasha became way special. Specially after M left suddenly and I missed him intensely, Shasha became the closest living energy to M. And that's how I got that attached with Shasha as well. Numerous times destiny made me meet with M. Here and there, everywhere. That's a other Bane and boon with being a traveler. You just meet with people you are meant to meet with - suddenly, unexpectedly. The first time, even I didn't know that M would mean as much to me. Both he and I were so different. Had our own journeys. But then destiny again and again bumped us and each time I got more and more into love with him. But to be honest, the time when the three of us got together - M, I and Shasha - it became magic. We are a cosmic trio I tell you. Together, we create magic. And the world gets filled with purity, love and an intensity of peace that people talk about for years to come. But good things come in small packages. And it all got over just like it had come into my life - unexpectedly. No connection can sustain if even a single one doesn't value it enough or judges it through 3D glasses when it belongs to the level of 5D. We three belong to the 5D. If only they were spiritually evolved to understand that at the level of friendship. And if only M understood real love. But he is a kid. Way immature. 

Don't know why am talking so much about him these days. Maybe because finally that am out of it that now I can be open and upfront about it. It all seems like a cloud to me. As if someone else's life and memories. I am no more the same person. 

Yet there are memories. And Moon still reminds me of M. Specially when it gets veiled with clouds that an image of M comes to my mind shy under blankets. I just loved him. Not even with a definition. Like even a younger family member. He just seemed my own - despite of his immaturity. Like a past life connection. Without any expectations or definitions. However his behaviour did hit my self esteem. Tremendously. I won't ever let myself feel for anyone again if I won't recieve reciprocation with the same intensity. I won't ever allow any insecure person to capture my heart. 

12:21

Love is founded upon trust, friendship, loyalty, freedom, faith and an energetic connection that doesn't depend upon worldly attributions. And that's the only level of love I believe in. Where I can be myself and so can the other person be. And yet we be able to be together and create a United world. Togetherness along with individuality. Faith so immense that both be able to bloom to their best selves. Bond so immense that friendship takes pride in its existence. 

12:24

'Tum aogey mujhe Milne

Khabar ye bhi 

Tum hi laana 

Bahut ayi gyin yadein 

Magar is baar 

Tum hi ana'

Alright my loves.... Good night. 

See you tomorrow dear 11. 

Mmmuaah 

..............

 

9.6.22

Yo my love. My dear 11. How are you?? 

I woke up just a few minutes back - thanks to Momsha who woke me up. I was feeling too angry throughout day today. So I decided to sleep instead but woke up even angrier. Oh, by the way, I had a dream today where it was snowing.  Mild snowflakes were falling on me and I was super happy upon hills. Though the dream had other crazy segments as well. But this was the good part. It was beautiful - my ambience. 

'Vaaste Jaan dun

Mai ganwa imaan bhi dun

Kismato ka likha mod dun'

Oh, I have covered this song numerous times. I just love this one. Reminds me of Pushkar - numerous times that I covered it. There was a specific evening where I got inspired and motivated enough to play and sing out amidst people upstairs in the cafe area of my first guest house. Even L was there. While singing, though I wasn't looking at him but energetically, I was dedicating this one to him. Another memory is of a rooftop in Pushkar itself of a local house where two young girls had invited me over and they were simply super impressed to find a girl as a musician. I sang this one fusing it with 'O maahi' and they got loads of joy with it. And ofcourse by Pushkarraj's ghats that I sang it numerous times in front of so many people. 

11:09

'Gravity, is working against me

And gravity

Wants to bring me down

Oh, I'll never know 

What makes this man

With all the love 

That this heart can't stand

Dream of ways

To throw it all away.'

I am getting a bit anxious to move out now. I just have to. Don't know where. Don't know for what. Oh, I didn't want this pattern to get repeated. But this is how it is. 

11:11

Magic. Moon. Joy. Abundance. Protection. Spiritual evolution. Love. Care. Companionship. Growth. Dreams. Cosmic union. Universal womb. Soul tribe. 

11:12

The moon has become bigger. Soon it would be a full moon. I guess in five days or so. Ofcourse. It was naumi today. So in six days. Oh, I realised today that these gupt navratris where I have even been observing fasts - the dates I was told were rather I correct. That the real gupt navratris are instead next month on the same dates. Now I don't know. I have already observed fasts. Don't know if I would repeat it for 9-10 days - even next month. Let's see. But it hurt me a bit that somebody misinformed me or lied about the dates and even insisted that I continue the fast even for the 10th day. And even net had confirmed it then. But today I found some other dates. Anyway, finally I'll be done with my fasts tonight or tomorrow's morning. 

11:20

I now need a change. Wanna step out. Been One month and 10 days of being inside home. For the world Corona has got over. I have still been living in my embryo for years. Time to step out. This time however I just wanted a well planned, stable step out. Though there was no plan. It was clear in my head that I would leave from here within a week or Max two weeks. But I stayed on. Now am bored. But I don't wanna go blindly as well. Oh God, what do you want me to do? Please guide me. Help me choose the best way forward from here. Which serves the larger good. 

'Imagine there's no heaven

It's easy if you try

No hell below us

Above us only sky

Imagine all the people

Living for today 

Aa aaaa'

This is a great song. Though a very dark soul used to sing it. But the lyrics are way meaningful. Back in Pulga I had even learned the ukulele chord for it from few musicians. That was the begining period of I getting into music full on. When I had taken Music seriously and entirely. I have learned quite a lot from then. Don't know for what? 

'You may say that I'm a dreamer

But I am not the only one

I hope some day you'll join us

And the world will live as one'

Too hot today. Specially because I was sleeping before this in a chilled room, coming upstairs was a jolt to my sleepy comfy self. But I had to meet you. So here I am. Let's make the most of it. I don't even have coffee today. But there is chilled water bottle alongside. Good for us. 

11:33

'Aayi re, aayi re

Le mai ayi hun tere liye

Jaan re, Jaan re

Aaj tujh mei sama jaun mai'

Oh, finally wisp of breeze. 

Our memory is crazy. It sometimes registers moments even we get to know later on that they became cherished memories. Like long long ago in my childhood, there was one morning where Momsha, bhai and I went to Trade fair with my mom's best friend whom we call mausi along with her two kids. The weather was epic that morning. And it got etched on my mind - the exact feel of moving towards a happy outing day - with a fusion of sun and drizzle upon Delhi's roads. I remember the gold and and grey of air in their perfect harmony merged with blues and and greens around. The memory just comes back like breeze any random day the weather seems nice and I reach my childhood. 

Although I prefer the southern coastline of India or even western one. But there was one beach that I had found long back on east side. It was Talseri. Places upon the border of Orissa and West Bengal, it's an isolated beach that hardly anyone is aware of. Till a long stretch there are numerous huge boats parked upon sandy shores with few trees hinted amidst sand and loads of floating wood pieces kept by God's hand. One can simply run beach side or get lost in the place's beauty and none knows about it except fishermen or the locals around. 

Even Orissa has many such unexplored beaches that people are sumy unaware of. Mostly people go to the three famous spots like Puri, Konark and Bhuvneshwar; but there are so many other places as well in Orissa which offer rustic and exotic flavours and crazy mystical nature Marvels. For example, a beach there called Chandipur. The place experiences high and low tides everyday. So every morning an ocean swoons very near to the cliffs upon the beach and by afternoon it recedes to 5 to 10 kms, leaving a glossy sand which seems like water but is rather sand and people seem to be walking upon water when they walk on those shores. Rather it's that glossiness of sand that must have been the reason for it being called Chandipur as well. And beach side, there is cheap south India food which each day is freshly prepared and sold. Idlis, vadas, and other local cusines. And ladies make bamboo products in various verrandas in the houses around. Oh, the colony around is also quite civilised. The houses are village-like but neat and spacious. And early morning, it all seems like another world. 

'Piya jaag rhi meri ankhiyan

Karun yaad mai teri batiyan'

11:50

'So close no matter how far

Couldn't be much more far from heart

Forever trust in who you are

And nothing else matters'

I added cocco to dryfruits' milk this afternoon to replace coffee but coffee remains coffee and today I missed it. 

And I miss Shree as well. Don't know when he would get a phone again. I miss his innocence and love. I miss just talking to him. I miss telling him anything and everything. I miss his stories of his school and friends, his concerns. I miss him.

11:55

Today am seeing so many repetitive numbers along with you. As if angels are themselves assuring their presence with us. Oh, it's a heavy heart with a restless mind and soul waiting for the cosmic design. 

I wish we could have gone to Egypt tonight and simply discovered the mysteries of Pyramids. Or we could have gone to some winter place and got cosy near a fire place. Or run off in a forest finally resting by a river or a huge rock surrounded by trees and bushes. 

'If you want to love me

Then darling don't refrain'

Alright my love. Catch you tomorrow. Hopefully, with a happier state of mind. 

Loads of love! 

Mmmmuuuuaaah 

Jaan has Sanem to hold him back. I still haven't found my Jaan. 

Yo 12. Bye 12. Tc. 

..........

10.06.22

Yo my dear 11. Welcome! 

Hope you are happy. And ofcourse you are loved. 

'Aapki nazron ne samjha 

Pyaar ke kabil humein...

Ji humein manzoor hai

Aapka ye faisla 

Keh rahi hai har nazar

Bnda parvvar shukriya

Do jahan ki aaj khushiyan 

Ho gyi haasil mujhe'

So... How are you my love?? 

I was agitated without reason but the moment I realised it and spoke it out, I feel sorted. Also I danced an hour back and it was an immense therapy. Oh, I just had arhar daal and that's my favorite - the way Momsha makes it - like sambhar. 

Have played old songs tonight, for all of sudden it became my mind. 

'Kora kagaz tha ye man mera

Likh diya naam ispe tera'

All these old songs remind me of L though for he loved such music. I had decided just this evening though that I won't talk about any guys here for they are not even in my life. But then, I heard on Daydreamer that 'Every love story is worth narrating'. These are my moments of love. The glimpses of which I share. 

I was also about to just burst out and share all my anxieties tonight and speak so much about things affecting me but all of sudden there is no concern. I feel at peace and in love. I feel content. 

'Kahan thi ye ratein, mulakatein

Aisi batein

Toota taara tha ye man mera

Bann gya chaand ho ke tera'

It's super hot these days in Delhi but right now it's breezy. Same like my inner state of mind. 

What say? Let's fly away to. Green mountain and sing out loud. Full moon is soon approaching. We would howl on the top of some mountain. 

Tonight it's Ekadashi. My satsang group in Pushkar must be singing their hearts out. We used to have satsang every ekadashi and full moon. Well life goes on. 

'Mere sapno ki raani kab ayegi tu

Beeti jaaye zindagani kab aayegi tu'

Lol. Again. L's memory. Why did we share so many songs. Music became our communication without even him being a musician or we interacting much. We used to talk through songs. So old school. And romantic. Well! It didn't reach anywhere, but the memories are worth cherishing. 

Papa is back home after a long time. It's rare for all four of us to be at home together. He came back for my cousin's wedding. I too am supposed to be go. Mom has been asking me to get a blouse and saree done. I just have been procrastinating. In Pushkar, once I was too excited to wear a saree on Mahashivratri. Also, I wanted L to see me in a saree. But I couldn't arrange it. Also Mahashivratri needed me to walk 30kms for a nagar parikrama and time boundations didn't allow me to wear it. 

The moment I returned back home, Momsha gifted me with a saree. But now there is no excitement left. And back in Pushkar, I was so excited to dress up and attend anybody's wedding. Now it's my cousin's wedding. But am not so excited. What changes me in Delhi, I still don't know. But I do become a different person here. And I need to change that. 

'Likhe jo khat tujhe 

Wo teri yaad mein

Hazaron rang ke 

Khwaab ban gye'

Oh, I finally got both coffee and spearmint tea today. I realised how much addicted I actually am to coffee. For only when it went inside my system that all my anger got subsides. But because it's so hot these days when I drink it, it also causes issues. So I had also ordered for spearmint tea as a replacement. Right now, I have it prepared along with honey. Wanna taste it? Let's! It's healthy. And tastes fine. Smells great. 

11:19

It gives immense joy to just sit back and listen to a song with its lyrics and music. Oh, in Pushkar, they were bhajans - happening live - every day and specially on specific nights. I loved those sessions. 

'Tum aa gye ho

Noor aa gya hai

Nahi toh chiragon se 

Lau Jaa rhi hai'

Such. Romantic song. Would be great to share it with someone. Dance alongside in a candlelight ambience. 

I am mostly a pizza and beer kind of girl. But sometimes I can be wine and pasta person as well. And ofcourse I am a rum and cake person deep in. 

Do you get it? 

I hope you do. 

11:22

Woah! Magic! 

Let's take a walk and then talk. Dancing really did wonders some time back. I realised I have been too static last few days. Dancing makes me feel happy from within. It makes me even more energetic. 

'Roop tera mastana 

Pyaar Mera deewaana 

Bhool koi humse na ho jaaye'

This one is such a passionate song. But a specific advertisement just ruined it for me. But the music is like jazz - relaxed and free. And lyrics are passionate. 

11:26

Tonight let me share one of the most passionate connection of my life with you. It was in Bangalore. I call him Silver for his entity got to remain mysterious. 

The first time we met was crazy bollywood. I was along with out mutual friend in my room and just when he was about to visit us, the electricity went off. So to recieve him I had to light a candle  and go outside to show him the way on stairs. And that's how I met him the first time. I with a candle and his cute round fair face with a phone's torch. And we lit each other's life ever since. 

It became crazy - those few days. For our mutual friend was staying at my place and it just seemed weird to meet up in front of us. And the more I tried to avoid our connection, the more he insisted on it. So much effort he put into getting my attention - with constant surprises, detailed emphasis upon things that mattered to me, enjoying the tiniest of things alongside that I didn't even realise when he became that crucial a part of my life back at that time. 

'Mere mehboob kayamat hogi

Aaj ruswa Teri galiyon mein

Mohabbat hogi'

Aah! L's memory again. Makes me smile. Gets the entire scene of cafe, him sitting with his friend, both my ears concious of him playing then and repressed smile deep in imagining him playing these songs for me. 

With Silver though, I had the best kind of connections. We even used to meet in between our lunch breaks in office. We used to work in separate offices but he used to ensure to call me or make any random sudden plan and alongside visit a new place or cafe everyday. 

'Mujhe tum se mohabbat ho gyi hai

Mujhe palkon ki chaanv mei rehne do

Ehsaan tera hoga mujh par

Dil chahta hai 

Mujhe kehne do'

This song is M's memory. Old Manali, good cafes, good music, rum, friends, emotions on rise. 

'Tumne mujh ko hasna sikhaya 

Rone kahoge ro lenge'

If only he knew depths! 

But I underwent huge depths thanks to him. He seemed like a twin flame. 

Silver though was a soulmate. He just knew exactly what I wanted when. He was a mentor, a friend, a beloved, a secret, someone I used to confide into.

'Tum na jaane 

Kis jahan mei kho gye

Hum bhari duniya mei 

Kho gye'

Silver has his own family now and he is happy. But I would forever be grateful to cosmos, for I got those months along with him. They were perfect and beautiful. Some of the best moments of my life. Where we used to dance, play, sing, travel, talk, share pizzas and beer with choco truffles, talk about anything and everything, listen to new songs, have our personal lingo and be passionately in love with each other. I didn't realise how much I was in love until we went out own paths. 

The day we got separated was also filmy. He was leaving country and I was leaving Bangalore. We even shared the same cab till the airport, living the max we could. It was when I borded the flight and looked outside from the window that tears fell down from my eyes and I realised, I was parting with my soul mate. And that I was in love. But I had promised myself to live the moment and wanted him to be happy in his life. So that was it. 

'Humei tumse pyaar Kitna 

Ye hum nahi jaante 

Magar reh nahi sakte 

Tumhare bina'

That's way past. But a cherished memory. I don't miss him. For few years I did imagine meeting him. I did get that day as well. It was while I was traveling pan India. And was in his state. All of sudden he came in front of me. And I couldn't believe my eyes. Years of craving. So much I had to say. All I got was an hour's drive. Where I also had to navigate. Outside there was traffic. But again, it became filmy. For it began to rain. And we got lost on the way. I forgot the traffic. Or the rain happening behind him outside the window. All I could see was him, focussing on the road, driving me for the first time, meeting me for the last time.

'Dil ko tumse pyaar hua

Chaai hai, betaabi 

Meri Jaan 

Kaho mai kya karun'

If God is the director of our stories, with him, every scene was perfectly cinematographed in the finest of settings and purest of emotions. I could never find a guy like him or connection as compatible as with him. 

'Ab doori na sehni

Har lamha kehta hai

Naa jaane haal Mera 

Aisa kyun rehta hai'

But life goes on. Been years I have even heard his voice. Don't miss him. Still feel proud that I ever met him and shared what we shared. He is lucky. He is always blessed with the finest of settings. Beautiful places, the best of everything. And he deserves it for he has worked hard for it.

'Jaane wo kaise log they jinke

Pyaar ko pyaar Mila'

11:47

Koi na... Somewhere, my perfect love story is still awaiting. Or maybe several. Who knows? Life is long. There is a world waiting for me to step out and visit. And millions of people to connect to. Who knows who all are meant to exchange love and memories with me. 

'Bichad gya har saathi 

De kar pal do pal ka saath

Kisko fursat hai jo thaame ye haath

Humko apna saaya tak 

Aksar bejaar mila'

Isko hi jeena kehte hain

Toh Yun hi jee lenge 

Uff na karenge lab see lenge

Ansu pi lenge 

Gam se ab ghabrana kaisa

Gam say baar mila'

But khushiyan bhi milin. Seriously. Now that I think about it. More than the pain of not getting what I desired out of any connection, I got way more while in any connection. And not every co traveler is meant to walk alongside in all of our journeys. 

Wahin tak ka saath tha. Jiska bhi tha. 

'Dil kya kare

Jab kisi se

Kisi ko pyaar ho jaaye'

I am really enjoying this playlist tonight. Old songs are magic. Real romantic. 

'Paththar ke sanam

Tujhe humne

Mohabbat ka 

Khuda jaane 

Badi bhool hui arrey humne

Ye kya samjha 

Ye kya maana'

Can dedicate it to M. Lol. 

It would be great to learn few of these old classics and cover them along with ukulele. I must learn more songs and practice them. Have totally forgotten even the ones I had learned. Would soon resume it all. It's a must for my mental health as well. 

'O mere dil ke chain

Chain aaye mere dil ko

Dua kijiye'

Oh! A long drive would be epic right now, without any destination in mind yet reaching mountains somehow. 

'Abhi toh ye pehli manzil hai

Tum toh abhi se ghabra gyi 

Mera kya hoga 

Socho toh Zara

Haay aise na ahein bhara kijiye'

Yo 12!! Welcome. Tonight, the mood is fine. Moon is bright. Music is great. Love is in my mind. 

Wanna go somewhere? Where should I take you guys? I am thinking of various states. Where? Where? Kerala? Humpi? Sikkim? Khajuraho? Aah! Can't decide. 

'Jis roz se dekha hai usko

Hum shama jalana bhool gye

Dil thaam ke aise baithe hain

Kahin ana jaana bhool gye

Ab aath peher in ankhon mein

Wo chanchal tukda rehta hai'

Let's just be here itself tonight. Am liking it here. 

'Barsaat bhi aa kr chali gyi

Badal bhi garaj kar baras gye

Par uski ek jhalak ko hum 

Air husn ke maalik taras gye'

Good music. See, that's how I get pulled. That's how I fall in love. That's the only thing that stops me - good music. That's my second love after travel. And after travel resulted in an accident, I shifted to music. 

'Kuch na kaho

Kuch bhi na kaho

Kya kehna hai

Kya sunna hai

Mujhko pta hai

Tum ko pta hai

Samay ka ye pal 

Tham sa gya hai 

Aur is pal mein

Koi nai hai

Bus ek mai hoon 

Bas ek tum ho'

Time stops with music. Time stops with magic. Music is magic. 

By the way. We stay at fourth dimension. Time. Beyond 3D and 5D. We be the balance. Our dates are the balance my loves. 

'Parvat se yun 

Utre baadal

Jaise anchal dhalke

Aur is pal mein 

Koi nai hai

Bas ek mai hoon

Bas ek tum ho'

Oh, wanna waltz tonight. Feel good about life. So ironical from my state of mind the entire day. Yet now is all that matters. 

'Samay ka ye pal tham sa gya hai'

Love this moment. Love this now. Love this life. Love right now. 

Beautiful. Magical. Peaceful. 

Alright my loves. Catch you tomorrow. 

Off I go. 

Mmmmuuuuaah 

..............   

11.06.22

11 PM

My darling 11. Today is special. For even the date is you and so is the time. Tonight is meant to be a union of us. One and one. Together becoming eleven. 

Also, its my cousin's engagement tonight. I just celebrate love. Of whosoever. Wherever. Though am not a fan of shananigans. But I love love. And tonight is for us. 

Momsha and papa have gone for her engagement. This evening there was a certain hour when both were dressing up. And it was a heavenly hour. Of togetherness. Of love. Momsha looked like a dad. Papa in his simplicity - still elegant. I curbed this feeling to go along with them for the engagement. I seriously was considering it - just to be with them. But then I thought about the entire evening, the heat, the distance and the efforts required to be in a gathering full of so many people and decided not to. But I loved that one hour. 

Papa would go outside Delhi again tomorrow. Home seems like home when he is here. But it's rare. It always makes me realise how much my absence also must affect my family, every time I go out to travel. But that's us. And our own paths. Just, sometimes I do crave for that utopian family. Reality breaks those dreams. But I cherish those few perfect moments filled with love. Where we laugh together. The picture perfect moments. The simplest of moments - of togetherness - effortless. And regardless of my independence, I do realise the importance of a male member in the family. No matter is bhai or specially when it's papa. Electrician didn't even dare to look at me in a wrong way just because papa was there. The tailor couldn't say anything and everything for he was taking my measurements in his presence. Home seems home when both Momsha and papa are there. And bhai has his own importance. It's with each energy that a place becomes complete. But we become we because of our own life paths. 

Sometimes life and it's doings confuse me. Still what matters is Love. And today I felt it in abundance deep in my roots and that overwhelmed me. I wish papa had stayed on for longer. But would I have been able to be as well behaved or he been any different finally in his approach. Could I have got the support I actually deserved or needed? I doubt it. Still he loves me. And I love him. And that's all that matters. Still, it hurts, everytime he leaves. Even if, even I stay outside most of the time. And I was sleeping half the day, only to realise in afternoon that not only he is leaving tomorrow, but today it's my cousin's engagement. So I hardly got any time with him. But had there been time, we would have been in our own rooms. Yet we love each other.

Today when he asked me to not go anywhere, I immediately spoke something harshly, like, 'Who are you to stop me'. He didn't react. I felt immediately bad. But I didn't mean it. What I meant was that I was angry that he was already leaving. That if he wouldn't be home, why was he stopping me. But mom never left me. I still don't allow her to stop me. Why? I don't know. When I feel this urge from inside to leave, I just can't help it but leave. Even when I do otherwise and force myself to stay, things get even worst. 

It has been my pattern. Each time I return back, for a month or two, everything seems great. I feel the abundance of love. The. Expectations, disappointments - everything suffocate me. And this need to be someone am not. I detoriate in terms of energy each day. Though spiritually I get better. Physically I get healthy. But I don't socialise. And keep on getting smaller in my own cocoon. That's my pattern in Delhi. My family though is quite liberal. It always supports me. Yet I still have bitter memories. And few instances to compare or sometimes get angry about. Yet much more that I have to be thankful about. And this evening, I felt overtly emotional. For we can't stop time. We can't stop the fleeting nature of life. And still it's so rare that we get to be together in such perfectness. 

11:18

I have got obsessed with Daydreamer. I think, I am a blend of both Jaan and Sanem. Like Sanem I daydream, write and stay in a fantasy world. Like Jaan I escape from my issues and find peace in nature and travel. And like both of them that I love. Am a loner and Albatross like, just like Jaan  - when it comes to travel. Am a loving soul like Sanem, when it comes to connecting with society. 

Oh, there love is intense. It makes me cry, feel joy, it touches the sides of mine that I had long forgotten. Today Sanem wrote a beautiful line; she said that even if her love story had no future, but together they had the most passionate of past. And their fairy tale though got ended, but that's her therapy. I could do relate. I know this series deserves a happy ending. There is no other way. And I know so does my life. 

Sometimes though things seem bleak. Sometimes I feel crazy like Sanem without Jaan or Jaan without Sanem. And I have none to even miss with that intensity but my own crazy free self. But I carry it within with faith still. 

Today papa mentioned my marriage again. I immediately turned the topic to a friend of mine. I asked him to get a guy for her instead. He immediately came up with three suggestions. I just know that he would arrange the perfect guy for her. I know that's why her family met me in Pushkar. My dad knows so many people. It sometimes makes me sad to disappoint my parents at this level - to just decide to never get married. I just don't see myself in that role. You won't believe, the other day, a baby visited our place along with a couple. After few minutes of adoration, I just didn't know what to do with it. I love kids. Babies, I don't know how to entertain them. But when it comes to dogs - I be the first one to connect. Also, all that drama that is attached with any marriage. The relationships, the expectations. I fail to handle even my distant relations. I love few of my relatives and they love me immensely as well. And they respect me as well. They know that I only say what I feel and do what I say. That I keep my words and don't give words if I can't keep them. They appreciate my bluntness and know that I don't say anything untill it's not required. But otherwise, any relation needs so much of drama, so many lies, flattery, nakhre uthana, nakhre dikhana, gossips etc. I fail there. I am a very straight forward person. Therefore I know, all those rituals, traditions, family drama is just not meant for me. 

How I see myself in future? I see a wooden cottage upon hills. With aromatic oils, wind chams, river beside. In between a forest. Good music. Musical instruments, books, diaries. Fire place. Cakes, coffee and cookies. And few loving friends - who come to visit me sometimes. And a vacation house for my family. My own home. My own space. None to intrude their. None to tell me what to do, who to talk or not talk with. A safe space. A loving space. And yes, my own dogs. Even fishes. I love fishes in an aquarium. They just create such a peaceful vibe. And I in my hippie clothes - making music, writing poems, singing, dancing, talking with my dogs, hosting my friends and family. Someday, I would be a well known author. Someday my songs would heal the world. Someday I would have travelled the world. Someday I would have even more lived stories. 

Someday, I would have a loved one - without whom, life would seem tasteless. And we then maybe we would have a life together. But marriage is beyond my imagination. It always scares me. 

The other day while describing my tattoos to someone, I uttered a line, 'Tattoos are a huge commitment. So each tattoo must be meaningful. I told her that everytime I get a tattoo, I imagine myself in my old age. And try imagining if the tattoo would still suit me.'

And that statement made me realise, am not really a commitment phobic person. But I need to be sure before getting into anything. And so far none has really touched me at that level. 

11:45

I have such romantic and soothing music plugged tonight. I don't know these songs. But the music is great. Has keyboard, mild drums and romantic lyrics. Kind of jazz fused with mild country music. 

Right now the track's name is 'Ribbon in the sky'. 

And the Moon is reaching its fullness like a love story blooming till its completion. 

I have reached on 131 episode of Daydreamer. Oh, life would seem different post it. I know it's my escape from my own life at present. But it's a beautiful escape. Am living through those characters in picture perfect settings and undergoing their emotions. 

The fact that millions of people have watched that series and undergone all those emotions must be a factor as well to add on that much intensity to the feel of it. And ofcourse the story is epic. So is the acting. Has lot of drama. Sometimes seems a bit stretched. But I don't mind it. Watching Sanem and Jaan together just compensates any drama. Maybe such is the case with love stories. Any drama seems worth it if you really love the other one and wish to spend your life with him or her. 

11:50

On my own...

I belong again

To be strong again

My heart is saying 

That it's time again'

I still haven't sent my Pushkar book to any publishing house. I don't know what's stopping me. I wrote an entire book of more that 1lakh 15 thousand words. And I can't just write a synopsis or chose three chapters and send them across. What's stopping me? I don't know. And I do know that the seed needs to be planted to get a tree. And the sooner it be better. I know the process is long. I wish that I too had someone like Sanem believing in my capabilities and urging me to keep writing on and taking care of the process post writing in his hands. That's my scene. Am more of a farmer. I procrastinate when it comes to marketing and selling my own writings, arts or products. 

11:55

I wish I had someone to take care of such things. All those formalities get boring for me. Am all about creating. 

'Everything you touch is gold

Meaning,

Touching your hand,

Seeing you in morning'

Oh, how would it feel to see my own book out in the market. To go for book readings across the world. Would it matter to the world? Would the world get the healing out of it? Would it touch any heart the way it came out of mine? Who knows? It still needs to be out. 

'When will I see you again

When will we share 

Precious moments? 

Will I have to wait forever

Will I have to suffer again?'

Alright my love!!! 

See you tomorrow. 

Love you. 

Mmmuuuaaah 

............

12.06.22

Hi my dear 11 PM. I still am not used to writing PM in my blogs. For years that I dated AMs. 

So, how am I. Well, am in escape mode. 

Just last night that I was talking about family and love and then the entire night a lot of drama happened which I just never like. Arguments and drama affect me way worst than normal. However, thankfully, I had an instant escape this time. I watched Daydreamer for eight hours straight the entire morning and then in evening after I woke up. Am living in another world. I have realised that few things can't be helped. And so am keeping my peace. But yeah, my sense of reality is quite affected. For I have been living in another world - the world of Sanem and Jaan. And when we meet up, I got to express unlike the rest of my days these days where am contrastingly consuming. Am watching, eating, having coffee and just consuming. 

So I sometimes just don't have much to say to you. For am hardly expressing these days. 

It's almost a full moon. Though the date on internet is 14th June for Full moon. But the way I look at it, it seems like Full moon would be tomorrow. It's beautiful and bright and almost round. And just when I was mentioning it that it hid behind clouds. 

Sky is loaded with thick clouds. But the air is heavy. Quite suffocating. No breeze. A lot of air pressure. Hoping that it rains. For that's the kind of weather - like the intensity of a lover before finally meeting with his/her beloved. 

'tujhko door door door se dekhe 

Hansta rahe

Tere paas teri or jaane se

Darta rahe 

Teri tasveeron mein tujhko

Samete huye 

Tanha Raton mein aake Jo bheegein 

Fir kya karein 

Kis se kahein 

Hum kya karein'

If Moon is hiding behind the clouds of memories, then I can still feel him. 

My cousin's wedding is tomorrow. My saree and blouse is prepared. But I have been eating so much for past few days that I am afraid what if I look fat. As such most of sindhis are far. And I have to impress none. But I would be wearing a saree after almost an year. I just want to feel good in a saree. Honestly, I look great in any saree. As such even rags suits me. I mean, I just am beautiful, so all clothes suit me. But I love myself in a saree. Not on everyday basis. But yeah, I wear a saree so rarely that I love the experience of it. 

And this one wish has been retained inside from Pushkar. So it matters all the more. 

Oh, finally, breeze. Such a relief. 

May be the clouds were merely passing by. May be they too prefer to go to Himachal and flow there. Aah! I miss mountains. But this time am also scared of Old Manali for the first time. I have realised that each year, my experience with people there has only degraded. Though last time when I had gone there to forgive Old Manali, the trip was great. Yet I was so lonely that I trusted wrong people again. 

So am scared. I so wish to go and open a cafe there and have my own house. But am scared. There was a time when I had so many loved ones there, that I just used to pick my bag and leave without worrying about anything. Each year, it's getting filled with more and more outsiders who are so commercial in their mindsets that none shares that purity, passion, love for nature or the rustic simplicity. Even the locals have become greedy. Or such has been my experience. So am scared. 

Another thing, it's a land of intoxications. It's been so song of staying sober. I don't want to lose my mind again or trust wrong people. 

I am trusting by nature. But my nature has changed and I have become non trusting because of my experiences. And each time my trust gets broken, it changes me inside. I get broken. I lose faith. 

And I don't want to lose my faith. Faith is power. But is it really faith if I still feel scared? 

'khwaab toote

Waade toote

Dil ye toote na

Roothe toh khuda bhi roothe

Saath choote na'

Actually... I don't want khuda to be upset. That's it. Baaki sab toh waise hi temporary hain. That's the faith I never want to lose. My faith on divine. My connection to it. For I have even lived that phase where I had lost my faith in divine for a bit. And I had lost touch with my own soul. I had become cold hearted. And so emotionless. I would never want to reach there again. For what is life if one doesn't feel emotions? What's life without empathy? What being human if one doesn't laugh and cry? 

Though Buddhism believes in middle path. But I totally believe in experiencing life the max one can. With all its highs and lows. Yet not react so much. Yeah that reacting in a balanced way is what am practicing. 

Another thing that I got to learn is acceptance of both good and bad. If everything is cosmic designed, and each energy is crucial for the divine happenings. Then we must have faith in the process and accept not just good but also the bad in the world. And be but neutral to both.  

'You say Hey mister

Do follow through 

Let's go and build a house

Big enough for we two

When we build a castle there 

A castle of our dreams

You my knight in shining armour

And I your blanket queen'

This reminds me of Sanem and Jaan. Oh, their love. their chemistry. The sailor that Jaan is who loves to explore the world upon his ship. And his soulmate Sanem who is crazy creative, is a writer, makes perfumes and comes up with instant slogans for their advertising agency. 

Oh, they are epic together. 

And so is the weather all of sudden. As if bringing love of cosmos for me. As if assuring me that everything is good and would turn alright. That my dreams would come true. My books would be well published. My songs would reach the world. My dog shelter would have many dogs wagging their tails. Pushkaraj would have an abundance of greens all around. I would even learn making healing tattoos. Would heal the world through sound therapy. Would even do tarot readings. Would become the psychic. Would have my own perfumes, my own house and lot of nature. 

'Bas mai aur tum 

Shehron ke Raaz hain'

Oh, I forgot. Would you accompany me on my crazy adventures around the world? Mark it. There are crazy, beautiful, exquisite experiences waiting for me all over the globe. 

And even in other dimensions. 

Wanna join? Hop on! 

We are on cloud Eleven!!! 

'Kabhi ajeeb si 

Kabhi haseen lagti

Kabhi kisi kitaab ka

Hai scene lagti

Philosophy ka craze hai

Kehti hai ye ek phase hai'

11:40

I always used to detest possession in any connection. Specially after my only committed relation years back in college time where the guy was so crazy that he used to run with a knife behind anyone his mind could link me with. He was so jealous and possessive that it became a big time red flag for me. For if there is no trust in a relationship, it has no foundations. But for the first time I liked possessiveness when it came to Jaan and Sanem. But even their relationship finally reached a stage where they just know that they belong together. And no matter how good the offer, the other one would never go to anyone else. They belong together. And that's the kind of love I believe in. 

'Tu Raheem hai

Tu Kareem hai

Teri zaat sabse Azeem hai

Toh karm bhi kar mere haal par'

Aah! Sky shots. I love sky shots. You know Pushkar has now got connected big time to Sky shots. It was the time of weddings when I was in Pushkar. And there was a wedding happening right in the house beside our guest house. There was a certain evening when I was sitting in the cafe area. Because of so many weddings happening around the over all vibe has become of love and also because of L's presence around. So on that specific evening suddenly someone burst thousands of skyshots in air. L was right behind me. Everyone around was thrilled including I. The cafe was full lit with lights. And the sky was lit with fireshots. Now any time I look at a sky shot, I feel his presence right behind or get reminded of that specific night. 

'Meri in bahon mein 

Teri hi toh hai jagah

Jaana ab Maan Jaa

Aa bhi jaa...

Ik kaanch ki tarah 

Toota hai bikhra bikhra 

Aur chubhte hain ye tukde'

However, there was no future with him. One he was brave enough to reciprocate. Another, he had no strength to stand along for the righteousness. Third he was way possessive and insecure. Fourth, we just have different backgrounds. Fifth, I can't see myself living in Pushkar forever for the city is fuck patriarchal and I am nothing without my freedom. Yet, I cherish these figments, these cherished memories that somehow became special to me. Even I don't know why. 

'Yahan mai bhi hoon

Mera dil bhi hai

Teri yaad hai

Tu kahan'

Majorly, I don't see myself in the role of a married woman. And with L, there was no other possibility. He was way conservative. Another difference between us. But at that time, I even got dreams of being married to him and that scared him. Seriously. There was a specific dream where We had just got married and I was telling some people how I would be teaching then on to have a mutual home and stable connection with him.' Oh, all that was shit weird for me. For I just never had even imagined myself into that kind of role with anyone. Just at that time, my own mind was playing games with me. And I used to wake up seeing all those dreams, getting scared of them all. I still have no reason why he became that significant to me. I still sometimes feel if somebody did a love spell on me. Lol! For he and I were poles apart. And there was absolutely no conversation or impression to get impressed with. Just the vibe. Just the connection. It was weird and strange. 

Still, I cherish that connection. Well! Why not. It mattered to me back then. And so it was my reality. 

11:55

'Jo hai ankahi

Jo hai ansuni

Wo baat kya hai bata'

An entire hour passed. I can't believe it. And I was wondering how would I talk tonight - so blank was my heart and so full was my mind. I am glad we could talk. 

Stay blessed my love. 

Loads of love. 

Mmmuuuaahh 

............

13.06.2022

Hey my love... My dear 11. 

Sorry for being late. It's 11:10

Am in my cousin's wedding. Finally wearing a saree. I feel beautiful.

I am with all my cousins. Eating, chilling, laughing. It's a happy day. The bride and groom have still not come..

11:11

I will surely share the pics with you. Unlike rest of our nights together, it's a colorful contrast and happy one. With all my loved ones alongside. 

I just got a group pic together. My saree is peach, purple with golden Border and I have so many golden, bronze and colorful chunks. I am with those relatives of mine who love me and whom I love and respect. I have literally grown up with them. 

My saree is a blend of cotton and silk. It's hot outside but feels pleasent inside. I look great and feel beautiful. Although the party is a bit boring but along with my cousins and family, I can enjoy anywhere. My sister is here. And my cousins. We are the epitome of love and family group perfection. 

Oh, the Spotify began to play songs on its own and all this while was I wondering where the sound was coming from.

It's quite a distorted atmosphere to connect with time. There are my own people all around me. 

Even the music has taken a halt. And the groom is just not entering. And the bride is hidden upstairs. And here we are with our sarcasms and mocks, already done with snacking and clicking pictures and observing around. Still, it's always a great experience to attend any wedding of my own clan. 

Alright.... Here comes the groom.  I feel weird talking to you when I should be with my cousin. Wait! Give me some time.

I left my conversation because I suddenly felt the break in the collective experience of my group just because I got busy. 

Let's talk late at night tonight when I will be free. 

Loads of love my love. Talk to you when I would get free. 

3:33 AM

Alright yo! Am back. So sorry for being so late. But hey! I had to meet you and be my hundred percent. It's a full moon night. Am on the terrace with a mug of black coffee alongside and half an hour of rest in the breezy peace of this moony night.

The wedding went well. Although we couldn't see any of the processions like varmala or fere for they took forever to reach there. So many shenanigans. However, I got super happy to be with my cousins, eat together and laugh so much after so long. 

I love my Nani's family and cousins. They are gods. Seriously. 

And the love we all share is beyond worldly description. We have literally grown up together. They are as close to me as my own brother. Rather, even closer. For there are no arguments there.  But even bhai was great with me. And we all had lot of fun with love and joy. And though l, it could have been a boring wedding ceremony to attend but it turned out super fun thanks to my company and the fact that I was willing to be happy. So much that I wanted to be in the moment that I didn't even talk to you much at that time. It just seemed unfair. Would you believe, the moment I took out my phone, immediately all my cousins also did it. And I felt it wrong to break the energy flow. So I again kept my phone inside and joined back in. And then there were a few of those distant relatives as well who crave gossips. It was therefore all the more crucial to be happy and look straight into their eyes, so that they don't bother my mom in my absence about my whereabout or why am not getting married. 

Oh, btw, there was a humble old uncle there - the one tha is to whom this entire wedding had got manifested. Since my Momsha is well respected in the family and she was in the core group who has gone from bride's side and made this wedding possible; so that uncle has immense respect for her. Somehow he got to know that she has a daughter. And today he also saw me. And he suggested some guy for me to my mom. And my mom was also discussing his income and all. Lol! I was like, why did you even bargain, when I am simply not interested. And she said, 'I know you want to get married.' I had to clarify that though I would love to have love in my life, but I have absolutely interest in any marriage with anyone. That for me, the most important thing in life is my freedom. And I just don't want to get into the web of relationships, expectations, disappointments, all shenanigans. Anyway, that was that. Thankfully, none mentioned it there in the procession. Everyone was simply happy to meet me after a long time. They hugged me, met with me lovingly. And the entire time I was with my entire family. It felt great. 

Oh, I didn't watch Daydreamer today. The entire day was gone in preparation and went super-productive. For so many days I had been postponing doing something - in Pushkar I had attempted to make my own lip balms fusing Vaseline and coconut oil with aromatic oils. This time I had ordered for Shea butter which is derived out of a specific but found in Africa and is super good for skin and lips. Finally today, that I could make many new lip balms and lipsticks. Though I absolutely detested the smell of Shea butter. Next time, I would simply make a lip balm out of Shea butter for daily use. But would add on essential oils to my lipsticks and lipbalms. The problem was that Shea butter's smell was like heeng in daal - it dominated all other smells. I even used excessive lemon oil in a certain mixture. Even tried coffee grain for usually coffee absorbs any other smell and dominates but no result. I had to use the powder of orange peels and a lot of cinnamon to create a stable base for lipsticks. But oh, I finally made loads of them. One specific balm even has basil leaves, rose leaves, mint leaves, Aleovera, Sandal powder, etc. I just listened to my heart and made numerous kinds of lip balms. One is wild in nature - carrying rosemerry and cedar with citrus in it. One he healing in it. One is hot - with my favorite shade of red fused in. One is brown with loads of coffee and even turmeric. Basically, numerous flavours. And after I froze them all, the smell of Shea also got way less noticable. I would let them all be inside the refrigerator for few days. So that they all blend together well. 

And in evening that I bleached my face after a long time and even applied a mud pack to have a better skin. I shaved my back for my blouse had a huge deep neck from behind. And after all that, guess what? I wore saree in a way that covered me entirely. And I even decided to try a foundation for the first time - so that covered the natural glow I had got after an evening of self love. And all that I had beautified, got draped under nine yards of peach, purple and gold. And maybe the only thing that must have outshined the entire time - could have been my joy - to be together and free. 

Oh, after watching Daydreamer for so many days and admiring their chunks, fashion statements; I got back my love for chunks. Today I wore so many bronze chunks and they looked super pretty on me. 

Once I would complete this series, I would surely make new chunks for myself. With loads of colorful beads. I have got unique ideas this time and soon I would turn them real. 

Oh, the entire morning that I had practiced a song called 'Jhoom' by Ali Zafar on Ukulele. I really really wanted to cover this song in a saree. But by the time I took a bath and quickly got ready, there was no time left to even cover a video. Both Momsha and Bhai were already ready and waiting for me. I only had two minutes and a single attempt. So I did make a video but it has one mistake and it could have been way better. Oh, if only I had more time; I would have made loads of videos and taken pictures. I did capture a few shots in the wedding and after returning back from there. Would share them all with you. 

4:01

The Moon right now is full and golden. Soon it would drown into a morning sky. I am tired, yet really enjoying this peace and solitariness. 

It's a unique day for we are interacting at this time. Every morning the weather turns extra windy at this time and there comes atleast one moment when I think of you and miss you and wonder if only we were sharing this hour. But we have our own special time. And there is reason for that. 

Alright my love. Catch you at 11 PM. Catch you tonight. 

Love you. 

Mmmuuuaahh 

........

14.06.22

Hey my love. My darling 11 PM. 

How are you. Just give me a minute. Am loaded with coffee, water bottle, crystals and just need to go upstairs. It's a full moon night. So many rituals to do. Just a minute. 

Alright yo! Am back. Ha e laid all my crystals and bottle to get charged with the super moon's energy. That's why I didn't go another terrace. Would stay on my own and guard my crystals and pendents. The Moon is beautiful and extremely pretty. This moment deserves music. Wait! Let me plug some music. Weather is nice and breezy. I have just had a bath so feel super fresh. 

Ok. Then. We have old songs on go again. Why? Because you won't believe what happened last night. The moment I entered the wedding hall the song that was getting played was 'Tu aake dekh le, ki maine ratein kitni saari Teri yadon mei guzaari'. That song is hard core L's memory. I was like why??? Anything related to wedding and his song or dream comes back. The more I run away from it all, the more cosmos urges upon such signs. Weird know!!! 

Not all was wrong there though. He was a sweet guy. But fussy but full of his own principles and I liked that in him. In all those months, not even once that he looked at me with lust - another thing that I liked in him. I felt immense respect from his side - so much so that sometimes he couldn't even speak sense with me. But he lied - oftentimes - that's something I disliked. Yet, he tried to take care of me and give respect in his capacity. Anyway, that's past. 

Tonight it's beautiful. So windy. Oh, I have been waiting for rain. In Pushkar, it drizzled today. Hopefully it rains over here as well. But after my crystals get charged. Last full moon, there was an eclipse, so I had neither charged my crystal nor made any moon water. This one is a super moonn - is what I got to know an hour back. So I want to make the most of it. 

Will also meditate somewhere middle of night. When I would feel like it. Wanna have coffee?? Let's! It's good. 

'Dil kya kare jab kisi se

Kisi ko pyaar ho jaaye'

Oh, by the way, Shree has got a phone back. And I have been conversing with him for past two three days. We still haven't talked heart to heart. But just him being in my life matters a lot. 

Another funny thing happened last night. So I was wearing my golden stilletos. They must be around a foot high. My mom had even warned me to wear my heels and walk around in society for footwear get worn and torn even without any use - because of passing of time. I directly wore them. The moment I reached the wedding, one footwear lost its leather base. It was still wearable. In next few seconds, even the other one lost the leather base. They became equal and I quitely kept the second one in my bag. Later my brother told me that he and my cousin were making fun of the leather piece they had noticed at the entrance saying that 'people wear local stuff even in weddings'. Lol.. I told him that it was mine and it was branded but came out for I had not used them for years. But it became super funny for they were making a joke upon their own sister without knowing. Ha ha ha . I don't why such incidents seem super funny to me these days. 

Like, earlier, if an electrician or plumber used to visit my home behind my brother or mom or dad, I in laziness of overlooking the work; simply used to tell them that there is nobody at home and therefore they should probably come at some other time. Now, since I stay outside most of the time and I am usually dressed extremely shabbily at home - in my comfortable tees and shorts; so now if a new service person comes at our home, they simply ask, 'Is there anyone at home?' Even if I stand in front of them at the door. Lol! It just becomes super funny. And I laugh about it. Like, bro, am I a ghost or what?? Lol. It's just funny to me. 

11:22

Oh, the clouds lowered up. Just a full blooming moon. So elegant. So pretty. I love Moon. Seriously. 

Oh, now I wanna smoke. But the neighborhood uncle is taking rounds upon the terrace beside. It's these things that one needs to take care of - when at home. I miss this freedom to do anything anywhere - which I get anywhere outside but at home. 

Oh, he left. You know from yesterday, anything am saying is coming true. My cousin sister was like, 'Di, aap achcha achcha bolo. Aapki jheebh par Saraswati baithi hai aaj'. In Pushkar, people used to say the same line but after listening to my music. 

Oh, I so wanted to cover Jhoom nicely in a saree. Wish, I had more time. Anyway, I have uploaded the one I had. 

'Tujh se naraaz nahi zindagi 

Hairaan hoon mai'

This song reminds me of Momsha. For its along with her that I had watched this movie long back. Any old movies that I have seen, are all connected to Momsha and Papa. For I don't really watch them on my own. 

'Jaane kab hum hua 

Kahan khoya 

Ek ansu jo 

Chupa ke rakha tha'

The terrace am sitting on tonight is rooftop of a girl who was my friend once. With her I had loads of parties here upon this terrace. We used to share pizzas and cakes and get into numerous long conversations right here. Then she ditched me and I have no tolerance for disloyal people in my life. But yeah, I have cherished memories for the time when things were good. 

Hum bewafa hargiz na they

Par hum wafa kar na sake' 

Lol

I must change the music. It's so sad and full feeling of betrayal. I don't want it. 

11:31

The night is always peaceful. Away from the noise of mundane that each day has. I love nights. Oh, I slept the entire day today. I don't know why! Every time I woke up, I passed out again. Weird where from I got so much of sleep. 

By the way, I feel extremely beautiful. It's crazy know, a little self care, a little attention on self, and everything turns beautiful and magical. My face is glowing. My eyes are twinkling. I feel happy and light. 

11:33

'Dil jhoom jhoom

Chale jhoom jhoom 

Soniya'

Alright. Am back on my usual spot. Not the one where we meet. But the one where uncle comes sometimes. Since he is gone, we are free to be here. And I have even got my crystals over here - in front of my eyes. 

There was this cousin's wedding as a milestone that I had to get over with. Now that's done. What next? I don't know. I recieved a call from an academy to teach as an associate professor. But they needed 8-9 years of experience. So, it didn't work out. 

Am just not sure. If I should go pursue my dream of opening a cafe in Himachal. Or if I should chose stability for a bit and work in some company. Am not sure. Have surrendered to the divine. To both am willing to give my hundred percent. But it should be worth it and should serve the larger good. But am craving change. Craving for action. And seek to give dignified shifts to my identity. 

'Tu jaane na 

Mere dil ki batein

Hai tu kahan 

Chaandni hai ratein'

Ironically the song that got played is so opposite to how I feel. It says - 

'Jee dhoondta hai fir wahi

Fursat ke Raat din'

I remember one such day back in Bangalore when I used to do a job and was deprived. That one day I missed my earlier life and days when I used to get up and sleep as I liked. There I had decided to value such days any time in my life if I get them instead of cribbing about anything else that I may desire out of my life. So cheers to these days where I have so much of freedom to live the way I like and live it freely. Though I know that I need to be responsible. But I still have gratitude to cosmos for it has blessed me with an immensity of abundance and love. Thank you cosmos. Thank you for blessing me with so much. I am sure I will get what is meant for me at the right time. That I must have faith and keep doing justice to all the talents you have blessed me with. Thank you for making me so talented. Thank you for showering me with grace, beauty, love and peace. Thank you for this life and thank you for making it so magical. 

Love you dear cosmos. Love you time. Love you life. 

I miss having loads of stars in the sky. They are so rare in Delhi. 

Especially that I miss having Sirius alongside. These days it's only visible before 7 PM. I don't come upstairs at that time. And then it drowns in the night sky. 

'Jee Raha hoon 

Tere bagair bhi mai'

It's been two days I have watched Daydreamer. I miss it. Will watch it tonight for sure. 

11:55

Got to make those chunks as well. 

'shamein furkat hai 

Aur tanhaai 

Aa ke ab koi aas paas nahi

Jaaneman 

Aaj tu jo paas nahi'

Ye sab ro kyun rahe hain?? Lol! 

Every playlist is sad tonight. Why Jio Saavan? What happened? Am happy. Get happy yo! Life is good. No need to cry. Be happy. Be full of love. 

Yeah! Now you are speaking. 

'Ho socha kya kabhi kya toone

Jaogey kahan ye socha? 

Nahin re nahin

Kaisi hai ye duniya dekho 

Kaise hain ye log yahan 

Toone inko hai pehchana 

Nahin re nahin

Ik tu ik tera ye maula

Toone usse batein Karin? 

Nahin re nahin!'

It's a beautiful song. 

11:58

'Jo tera khuda hai

Wo mera khuda hai

Tera kaha na Manu toh

Kyun mujhe saza hai?'

11:59

So my love. Did you miss me last night? What did you do in the half an hour I wasn't alongside? 

'Kadhi aa tu dil de andar

Mai tera mast kalandar'

I missed you for sure! But we be we in solitariness. 

12

Yo dear 12. Welcome! Join us. It's a full moon night. Let's all chill. Let's talk, dance, listen to good music. Wish could have sung as well. 

Oh, by the way my satsang group in Pushkar had an epic satsang last night. I miss going there. Seriously. Whenever I would have my own vehicle and such time and resources, I won't even mind visiting Pushkar just on ekadashi and full moons to be a part of those satsangs. And ofcourse to go surprise Shree with gifts, parikrama beside, conversations and bike ride. I would take him to a good cafe in my bike or car and listen to his tales and tell him mine. I love him - seriously. In the purest of ways. 

'Ishq te aatish

Doho barabar'

Come! Let's dance. Let's celebrate Full moon tonight. 

'Ya dadhi ishq o aatish laayi hai'

The music in this song is a bit Arabian. I am hearing it for the first time. The lyrics seems a bit Sindhi. 

Earlier, it used to be my ritual to make a cake on every full moon. This full moon I didn't make a cake but I did have one - that I had made two days back right before our meet. I had made two cakes that night. One I had last afternoon, one today. 

With that neighborhood friend of mine too I used to bake together and celebrate Full moon alongside. Anyway, that's past. Full moon is here. So am I. 

12:07

You add up to number 10. 10 represents perfectness. Like the union of two lovers. Like the ultimate perfectness in career, finance, love or peace. 10 represents the brim. The excellence. 

Oh, I love this song. 

'Rankha ranjha kardi ni mai

Aape ranjha hoi'

It's a beautiful song. Lyrics are great. Represent the insanity of love. Express the depth of it. 

12:11

You both are here. Alright my loves. Will take leave tonight. Catch you tomorrow dear 11. 

Love! Enjoy a magnificent Full moon.

'Andar too hi

Bahar too hi

Rom rom vich tu

Tu hi taana 

Tu hi baana

Sab kuch mera tu'

Good night yo. 

Loads of love. 

Hugs and kisses. 

The softness of cheeks, the touch of authentic love. 

The mushy touch. The twinkling of eyes. The waltz in moon light. 

Bye bye. 

Mmmuuuaaah 

..........

15.06.22

Hey my love 11. 

A windy stormy welcome! Though the wind is hot, yet atleast it's moving. Same like emotions sometimes. Today I got done with the entire series of Daydreamer. So am in a numb state of mind. You know that feel when one suddenly enters another dimension and is clueless about life or what to do next. Also I have only slept for an hour in the morning and an hour at night. More like power naps. So maybe that's why I don't feel s energetic. Ever since my long held cough in Pushkar in the last month; I have been facing difficulty in breathing in closed places. But I don't want to go and get myself checked here in Delhi, for hospitals have a bad rapo here ever since corona and I don't want to take meds or get all those horrific tests done. Am sure, Himachal would heal me. It is so high in oxygen. Maybe I did suffer with corona back in Pushkar, for it did take an entire month to get healed from it and I weakened entirely, lost lot many hair, and my lungs still pain from below - nearby my lower abs. All these are side affects of corona. Thankfully I didn't know back then so I didn't take as much load and it just got healed on its own. I have been eating healthy ever since I have returned home and have been taking good care of my health, but then, it takes time to heal health. Specially in a state like Delhi. Oh, I miss Himachal. I wish I knew of a village there, still not touched by external vices, yet similar to Old Manali of past in its vibes, with my own people or good energies or my soul tribe over there. I wish to go and open my own cafe and guest house there and then make music and write books in the serenity alongside. 

Conversations at home don't tempt me anymore. They are mostly discussing people these days and I don't enjoy them. But I too don't offer anything in return. Don't even feel like talking spiritual or religious stuff for an bored of it. Want something new and more. Craving to create. Craving for that energetic exchange of words - without bitching or politics or government or people; but ideas and arts, creative endeavours. 

'Batein kuch ankahee si

Kuch ansuni si hone lagi

Kaabu dil pe Raha na

Hasti hmari khone lagi'

There was a guy back in Bangalore who was a colleague in my office. We were dating for few months but there was no commitment or relationship. We were passionate and experimental together and often used to hang out together post office. With him I used to talk immensely about anything and everything and together we even used to make drunk YouTube videos - inspiring the world, laughing and giggling, talking freely even about rest of our colleagues; being young, wild and free. With him I had one of the most beautiful New year of my life in Pondicherry where together we had found a fishermen beach called Puddukuttam and swam from night till morning - being one with the shades of sky and waves. With him, I had gone to Kanyakumari on one of my birthdays and though it was extremely hot and I detested his choice of destination that too for a winter loving person like me.... But we had crazy, passionate chemistry and that's what I remember the most from that trip. 

'Loving you was young, wild and free

Loving you was cool, high and sweet

Loving you was sunshine safe and sound

A steady place to let my head down

But Loving you had consequences'

But the only issue with him was that he wasn't willing to accept me openly and I was a naive girl with experience of one solid but toxic relationship previous to that where the entire college knew about my guy. So when the guy in Bangalore denied to publically accept our relationship or give me the love and efforts I deserved or desired; I ditched him. I was simply dissatisfied. And despite of months of passionate love making, crazy memories together, spending most of our free time together - there was something missing. It remained at an external level. Yet I do carry beautiful memories even from that connection. Like they just visited tonight. 

'Teri yaad mei sajna 

Subah shuru ho jaati hai

Teri yaad mei sajna

Ratein mujhe tadpaati hain'

He was a champ in Jijitsu. Knew martial arts. Loved football. His way of speaking was cute and boish at the same time. He was a bit elder than me. But had much more experience in corporate line. But I had travelled more than him and was way fresher in terms of my energy and mind. He though was brilliant when it came to technology or building strategies. Together, we used to come up with crazy start up ideas. The ones that we never got to manifest. 

11:20 

Oh, I almost for the coffee. Sweet! 

It's a black coffee though. 

And the song is 'Imagine'. 

Oh, but that guy too was a big time miser. I mean, it was my birthday. There was my travel buddy, literally begging me to let him take me anywhere of my choice. But I wanted to be with the one I was dating. So I stupidly asked this my guy to surprise me. Not only he chose the hottest place like Kanyakumari in August, but didnt book the tickets till the last day and then booked one of the poshest resort and later even charged me for that. Any other trip I would have happily co-funded. Just on my birthday, I for once wanted my so called guy to spoil me for a bit. Those three days costed me more than half month's salary at that time. And the entire time we were mostly inside the room. He simply wasn't that good a traveller. Nor he knew an F about budget traveling. 

But he had taken me for another trip to Yercaud in our initial days. Oh, that trip was magical. Our resort was in the middle of forest. And together we discovered the land around, including climbing upon a water tank atleast three floors in height. And we were stoned big time. Lol! It seemed quite a flight as we came down, but totally worth it. And the room was white and elegant with aristocratic setting and we had crazy passionate time there. With him, I had experimented a lot in terms of intimacy. I was young, wild and free. In every way. I am sure, he won't ever forget me. Though now we don't talk. 

I realised the superficiality of it much later. For I was naive - always with my heart on sleeve. But leaving him didn't even hurt. There was neither many fights between us, nor many expectations. More like a bond that got expired on its own time. And we both were quite mature about it. Also, my soulmate had entered my life by the end of this connection and therefore this one had no chance in front of him. 

Oh, the Moon looks like an illuminati eye amidst clouds around it. 

And this song again, 

'Tu aake dekh le'

Ha ha! Maybe it was all in my head. It seems so far already. 

'Aur mit jayenge ye faasle

Ban jayenge naye kaafile'

Oh L! You! What did you do? 

Maybe it was my own mind that played with my heart. Or maybe those were emotions sent by Indra dev to create obstructions on my spiritual evolution, for I was totally into the purest and highest of my spiritual energies. 

Well, glad am out of any instructions. Coming to Delhi was therefore even more essential. I didn't want to keep wasting my emotions in waiting for an impossibility. 

11:39

I must keep a check on my consumption of food now. I have been eating out of boredom or just to do something along with watching TV. Glad am done with the series. Have numerous things to do. First of all I want to create many new jewellery pieces that I have got inspired to make while watching the same series. 

Now I will put my hundred percent attention to the art of creation. 

'And I am freeee

Free falling'

Much lightening is happening tonight. Kab barsoge mere asmaan? Ab toh baarish ho hi jaani chaiye. Kab se taras rahi hoon for rain. 

'Maahi mai tainu samjhavan ki

Tere naal kyun laaiyaan ankhiyaan'

I don't know why it's only with dear 11 that I have been speaking about my love experiences, people and places. If you would ask any of other times I have dated in past, with none that I discussed guys as much. But with you it's like I am celebrating all shades of Love, without even being in any connection in present. Seriously, right now I am the most free in terms of attachments. I don't talk to anyone. I don't miss anyone. All these love stories seem to be like stories of someone else whom I now can observe or speak about. But, why now? Why with you? 

When I should have been expressing love to you in my present, I instead share stories of past with you. Why? What gets stirred within just at this time? I don't think about any of my past the entire day. Or in all these years that I hardly mentioned any of these things to anyone. I simply lived, loved, felt and then kept living on. But now they seem like tales. 

You remember the only serious relationship of mine back in college time? At the very initial phase of our relationship, there was one night where I opened up entirely to him. I told him about all my silly affairs or school time prior to him. My intention was to be honest to him. And he had the audacity to be angry even about my past. So possessive and insecure was he. And so naive was I. 

Over here, I am not trying to open up in front of you or be honest or showing off or missing any of my past life. I just feel like sharing my life with you - for they all became bricks to my entity's building. Though again and again in my life that I had to become mud again and begin afresh. And I did it all unwillingly first and later willingly. But I am a lover of change. And deep in my memory lane, the impressions got imprinted even if I became an entirely new person after six months. 

Oh, I have also realised one more thing. Each time I feel super intensely for someone, after we part; I unconsciously learn the qualities or attributes of my lovers. From someone I learned travel, thanks to someone I got into music, one taught me riding, another taught me marketing, one chiseled my song writing skills, one boosted me upon my spiritual part, one taught me to balance heart and mind... And so on. In a way I carry them all in me through my memories, emotions, arts and skills. 

And therefore, even if we part, I don't leave with any regret of offense. Instead I learn a new art and be grateful for it. And I turn all my emotions into pieces of arts and writings and be even more thankful for thanks to them that I got to enter the depths of love till whatever depth we together could dive. 

'We are all just prisoners here

Of our own device'

But I chose freedom. And I grant them all freedom. May they be happy wherever. May they find purpose of life and love. May I be the epitome of Love, grace, joy, light! May the world shine bright with the peace of night! Oh, the golden Moonlight.

Hello 12. Welcome! 

Ssup? Am just flowing free. Free falling. Flying on cloud eleven. Diving in unknown depths. Being invisible. Breaking knots. Being transparent. Vibing. Living. Being. 

'Oh rangrez tere

Rang dariya mei

Doobna hai bas tera ban ke 

Haay, nai rehna dooja ban ke'

This song is a big time Pushkar's memory. I used to dedicate it to Pushkar with love and sing it everywhere. 

Alright my loves!!! It's getting hot. Lightening seems like a dysfunctional tubelight in sky without the breeze alongside. So will take your leave now. 

Good night. 

Hasta la vista 

Catch you tomorrow

Mmmuuuaah 

...........

16.06.22

Hey my love... My darling 11 AM. Welcome! How are you??

'Har jagah mei

Tu samaya hai

Har disha mei 

Tu numaya hai

Subah mei meri shaan mein

Tera zikr hai tera saaya hai

Mera haath ko tu thaam le 

Fir jahaan ka karna hai kya'

Oh, I really love this song from my childhood. I used to dedicate it to Jal long back. Would you believe, I have written numerous diaries for element Jal. I so love water. And this song reminded me of Jal - specialy when I went for a trip with my family to Dwarka - back in my teenage days. The entire journey I with my head out of train's window - kept on singing this song by Mithoon and 'Wo Lamhe'.

'Tu raushni

Tu hi chaandni 

Tu hi ped hai

Tu hi chaanv bhi

Tu hi raasta

Tu hi hai safar

Jahan pahaunchna 

Hai wo gaanv bhi

Mera haath jo tu thaam le

Fir jahan ka karna hai kya'

Oh, this song is seriously love. Such lyrics, such music. It reaches my soul directly and transcends me, merges with me. 

It makes me feel love. 

'Yaar Tera saath jis pal paa liya jisne....

Subah mei meri shaam mei

Tera zikr hai tera saaya hai...

Mai tere nashe mei hoon choor sa

Teri justaju mei hai zindagi 

Tu hi tu har jagah ..'

Core love! Oh! Can you feel it? Do listen to it anytime you feel like it. And you too would experience love - just with a song. Such is the power of good music.

11:06

Oh, did I tell you that it did rain last night. Not much but throughout - mild drizzle with lightening and storms. I loved the weather despite of dust and lived it fully. 

Right now also it's quite breezy and windy. I love such weathers. 

Oh, I repaired two pretty colorful anklets last night - turning one of them into a cool neck piece - similar to that of Sanem. And today that am weaving a new piece. Would share a picture with you - once it gets done. It's coming out pretty cool. See!! 

11:08

Oh, I slept for an entire day even today. May be the heat or may e boredom is making me sleep so much. May be that's how I always feel when in Delhi. I don't know why am sleeping so much or eating so much these days. 

Need something to fuel with spirit and drive my energy. This evening I woke up quite distraught feeling really low about my circumstances or the lack of life in my life. 

'I hate you

I love you

I hate that I want you

Don't want to 

But I can't put

No body else above you'

Anhan! Rihanna. Am listening to my playlist on Gaana after a long time. Been long have heard these songs. 

Let's have coffee and a smoke. 

11:16

I am craving for a huge change in my life. I don't know when the desired change would happen. I stable income. I dignified work. Life of my dreams. So much that I have got disenchanted from. 

Also this corporate world just doesn't tempt me. But these days am even considering it. Rather feeling like entering it.

'And I will always 

Love you 

Ooh I 

Will always love you...

Bittersweet memories 

That's all I

Am taking with meee

Good bye 

Please don't cry

We both know 

That I am not

What you need'

Well! I always used to listen to this song whenever I used to leave home and go for any trip. 

'I hope life treats you kind

And I hope you have all 

That you dreamed of

And I wish you joy

And Happiness

But above all this 

I wish you love'

This song is making me senti. Though am back home. Yet how much am I back, I can't say. For I hardly interact with anyone any more. 

My own expectations from my own life stop me from being my best self or open up. 

'Ishq bulawa jaane kab aave

Ishq bulawa aave jab aave

Mai taa kol tere rehna'

You must be wondering why I didn't speak much about Daydreamer when it got over, even if I was so obsessed with it throughout. I realised it had a conventional ending. Though Jaan and Sanem had to meet. There was no other way. But they got married, had three daughters towards end; just like Sanem had dreamed of. I suddenly felt, is that it? So much of drama - for this!!! Ultimately that's the end point or they commented on it being a happy ending, 'its not the end. Rather it's just beginning.' I get it. Life changes once people get married. But suddenly I got disenchanted. Like 161 episodes of a series for this!!! It all seemed foolish. That can't be the end goal of life. Yet love is such a crucial emotion and ingredient of a life alive. 

Every creation happens because of presence, absence, desire or need of love. Every emotion is rooted in love. Even pain or hatered. 

'Tu bhi kahe 

Ishq Ishq Ishq

Mai bhi kahun

Ishq Ishq Ishq

Maanga karein 

Ishq Ishq Ishq'

This one is a de ja vous moment. Or the song is. Though I feel like am listening to it for the first time. May it's the emotion. But Aah! This sensation Seems lived! 

This afternoon I dreamed of four of my school mates. One was my friend long back in childhood. Another was a competition, for either she or I used to top in class. Two others I don't remember now. But in the dream, we were all friends and I even visited a Hanumaan temple middle of it. Also, there was L's cafe which I could have visited but didn't yet thought of it and him in the dream itself. Also, it was New year and there was a friend waiting for me with rum on some rooftop, but I didn't join him and instead joined these four school girls and visited the temple to pray. 

I get crazy dreams often confusing me and simply leaving me with random moods. 

11:34

'Duniya ye thodi thodi hai behtar Lage

Dil ke naukar chaakar lage

Jhuk ke poochein 

Kya hai aarzoo'

Oh, this song is big time reminder of Silver. 

The moon looks pretty, as if cupped by clouds' palms from either sides. Like two C's clubbed together. 

'Mann tera jo Rog hai

Mohe samajh Naa aaye

Paas hai jo sab chor ke

Door ko paas bulaye

Jiya laage na

Tum bin more'

To be honest, there is absolutely none that I miss right now in my life. I do wish to give my life a new turn. But I am empty. Totally void of any memories that make me feel. There is none that I miss. None that I want to reconnect with. None that am waiting for. 

Like, if today someone comes up and offers me a crazy opportunity in another part of the world, I won't even take a second before accepting it. Right now if someone asks me to sign a contract that would need my hundred percent availability for an entire year but would offer me ample of creativity, a new life and crazy perks for it; I would simply accept it. Ofcourse all that has to be worth it and should be righteous and add on to my evolution. But I feel free. Emotionally free. And that's a huge step for me. Throughout my life it's only emotions that swooped me down in life. It's emotions that gave me wings. It's emotions that gave me life, it's emotions that devoid me of it. 

But finally I feel out of that entire whirlwind. 

'Right from the start

You were thief

You stole my heart

And I your willing victim

I let you see the parts 

That weren't so pretty

With every touch you 

Fixed them'

11:44

So! Tell me. Where next? Why next? Now is all peace. But now needs more to it. 

'It's nothing more than empty sheet

Between our love'

11:45

Guide me dear Eleven. Tell me the next step. Help me navigate further. 

'Kabhi jo badal barse

Mai dekhun tujhe ankhein bhar ke

Tu lage mujhe pehli 

Barish ki dua'

Aah! This song is connected to my childhood friend who was also briefly my b.f in school time. In few months I had had enough of his lies so we decided to be friends again. He is the oldest friend of mine with whom I now talk once in an year and rest of the year we remain in fight mode. He was my biggest strength while growing up. But it's his betrayal that resulted in some unrepairable changes in my life. Aah! None should have a betrayal like that. Yet, I loved my own self along with him. But I had told my mom long back, 'Even if in some weak moment I ever come to you in my life and ask you to marry me to him, remind me of this day and never let me commit that big a mistake'. Lol. I remember that always. He is a full package of drama. Yet each time I return back to Delhi, I still miss him. We have years of togetherness. First drink, first trip, numerous movies, first times for so many things with him. If only he was not as jealous and had not betrayed me. Still, I got to step out and become so free because of his betrayal. Yet I could have been living an entire different life with my mom's unbroken trust had he not broken my trust. Anyway, people are mere characters in God's stories. They act as God charges them with. But yeah! He is still a huge part of I growing up . I still have his gifts, his memories and few songs that remind me of him. You can call him a brother, a friend, a family member - with whom I have as much of a love/hate connection and this would remain throughout life - for its been more than 12 years of our connection. It would remain wether we talk or not. 

11:56

'Tu kalla hi Sona nai

Jyada na baniya kar ve'

It's a sweet song. I always get super happy while singing it. 

Aah! I don't have much to say today. Feeling so empty. 

'Kaun mera 

Mera kya tu laage

Kyun tu bandhe 

Bandhe mann ke dhaage

Bas chale na mera

Tere aagey'

Suddenly I reached Kasol. Weird. Why? Don't known the mountain top. Acid trip. 12 constellations in the sky. Night long dance. Trek pre dawn. Dawn with a loved one. 

Hey welcome 12. Join us in Himachal. Can you see the clouds leaving the surface of green mounts, the yet to rise Sun's rays spreading 180 degrees in the entire valley. Can you see extra clear - the ancient cliffs seeming like caves with doorways welcoming us in? Can you see the turquoise Parvati river flowing in the middle with vapours rising from the central point of a bridge that takes one across to Kasol. 

'Tere saath mei ho subah

Tu hi sab se pehle ho haan'

Alright my loves. Catch you tomorrow dear 11. Good night. 

Mmmmuuuaaah 

'Maahiya mere maahi

Jaaniya dil jaani

Kinna sohna tu sohna tu haan'

............

17.06.22

 

Yo my darling. My dear 11 PM. Welcome. Today am a bit restless. Not so happy. Neither calm. All though it rained throughout day. I even had a bath early morning in it. And got a beautiful sunset after a long time. See! 

Yet, the inner state of mind - it's agitated. Don't know why? Just not feeling like doing anything. Simply disinterested and dis-enchanted. Why do I turn like this in Delhi - I would never know? Why do I lose interest from life itself? It wasn't the case always. But each year, it's growing more and more. Even the plans I may have before returning back home, they too get culminated and I simply lose all my zest to achieve or do anything. I hate this vegetable life. Yet I always get into it over here. What changes me over here. I don't know. 

'Ab tere bina yahan meri sansein

Jaise bina nindiyan ki ratein hain toh'

Oh, I love this song. It's by Any Jain. He is an extremely young musician from Chandigarh who o ly released his independent original songs and they all are soulful. I feel proud of his talent without even knowing him. This song, this is core love. It's full of love and also has mention of rain in it. I had learned it in Himachal. Had even attempted it in Pushkar one day in the presence of L behind - almost dedicating it to him. 

11:06

Wanna have black coffee? Let's!

Ooh, I had not realised that I have two pockets in the same pocket of my lowers. I love hidden pockets - may it be in clothes or bags. I love hidden rooms as well. Anything mysterious charms me. Back in Gujarat, in Ahmedabad, we had once gone to visit one of Papa's friends who was a doctor by profession. In his bedroom, one wall had loads of closet doors. One of those doors instead of having a cupboard instead took one into a lobby leading one into a small changing room and a huge washroom. The first time I saw it, I was super happy. I wanted to use the loo again and again - just to get that feel of entering a hidden closet and being in a mysterious washroom. Lol! 

Anything unusual attracts me. Like years back when we were house hunting. There was a house upon 11th floor of a society. That was the only house in the entire society that was on rooftop. It has four master bedrooms, one drawing room, one living room, its own bath tub, attached washrooms with each of its rooms. Oh, it was grand - the house and even in our budget. The only reason we didn't go for it was because papa usually used to go outside for tours and Momsha found it unsafe to be in that secluded a house with just two of us. Oh, but I had loved that house. It was superb. So huge. So open. The entire society's terrace was all around. Imagine the space!!! And ofcourse the bath tub. I love bathing. But I did understood their concern. Anyway, I was a child; so decision making wasn't much in my hands. Though our choices and opinions were always considered. I would always value and remember that. 

Oh, and there was another house which had a pentagon shaped room with a round bed. The owners said that bed wasn't part of the deal and I was heart broken. Lol. And my family told me that a room which has more than four corners is not as good as per vaastu. So that was that. Without the bed and the room, the house had no other pull for me. But yeah, anything non stereotypical and I love it. The attic rooms, the secluded houses, rooms with huge windows - specially those rooms where two or more Walls have huge glass windows. And though I hate being in Mumbai but there is only one feature about the houses there - all the houses have open windows and a sitting space right beside the window. So a house must have a huge window overlooking nature with its own comfy sitting place beside. And a book shelf on the same wall right beside to get hold of a book and sit in the window seat and get lost in some other world along with nature.

'Saajna re, saajna re

Pyaar se dekh toh 

Tu kabhi

Tu hai Sagar wahi

Jiski mai hun Nadi

Ant mera likha 

Tujh mei hi'

Another of my favorite songs. 

Sometimes I feel like living the most and sometimes everything seems useless. I often wonder - what's the purpose of life? Why are we made? Whom are we entertaining? What are we serving? What are we doing?

Why are we here? Why all this karmic status que? Who decides the resources? Why did God make needs? Why this matter form? Why the mortality? Why the continuous transformation? Who decides the speed of it? Who decides the parameters? Why are few more blessed than others? Why is everyone dissatisfied despite of whatever one is blessed with? So many whys. So many hows. Oh, sometimes my own mind drives me crazy. 

To think of numerous planes we have no idea about. To think of dream world - where crazy things happen without us having much known. 

Oh, I dreamed of my childhood English teacher today. And I was telling her openly in class that I love my brother. And the way I was serving her lol - more like a flatterer. And I have never been such person in my life. I have never flattered anyone. But in my dream, I was taking care of all her needs, was ever escorting her post class - carrying her books and set of colors. Why??? I don't know. And why would I say personal stuff like that middle of class - so immature of me. 

Do you know once I had gone with a box full of sweets to my school and had distributed sweets in my school bus to celebrate the first tooth of my brother. Maybe my dream was reminder of that self - where I loved him so much and was proud to claim it openly. Where I respected my teachers and was willing to help them however. But I never flattered. And I won't ever flatter anyone. 

'Mera ei charkha naulakha

Kude ni mera ei charkha naulakha'

One of my airpods is not charged. So am listening to music with only one airpod plugged in. I feel unbalanced. How do people use only one Bluetooth device to talk and do everything. It gets weird until you are not totally cut off from the world and totally in the world of music or whichever dimension you are choosing to be in. 

I finished that neckpiece early morning. I made few vital changes. Haven't really clicked myself decently along with it. Can just share the picture of the piece though. See! 

11:33

Nice digits. 

Last entire night I spent upon terrace - for after a long time it was a windy and again and again there was drizzle and finally it did rain early morning. Would you believe, I was actually shivering after bathing in the rain. Maybe staying in a desert has turned me from winter person into a summer person. Even my choice of food has changed. In my childhood I preferred cold food and beverages. As I grew up and with more and more years being spent in Himachal, I got just into hot food and beverages, forgetting all about cold showers as well. In Pushkar too most of the months it wasn't as hot. Except the last month l, but I was such then and therefore didn't feel hot. Yet something changed as I was returning back. I am back into cold food and beverages. Am preferring cold coffee instead of hot coffee these days. Yet, it's after a long time that I had a hot shower this morning after bathing in rain and I loved it. In Bangalore know, it always felt great to have a slightly warm bath. So I had got used to using geyser round the year. And even years of being in Himachal had got me addicted to hot showers. Except the time I used to bath in rivers or sea or lakes or any outside water body, I always preferred slightly warm or rather hot showers. And now, I am back with cold showers. I still take a second to gather strength but once I get under it, I love it. Even today, after a hot shower, I wanted to experience that cold freshness so I opened the cold shower towards the end post it. The hot showers relax one's soul and cold showers energise one with an instant boost. 

11:40

The moon is peeping right behind a cluster of clouds. So cute. Like ensuring it's presence still staying hidden. Just like a shy beloved or a kid hiding behind mom's saree in front of guests. 

11:43

'Mama take this badge off of me

I can't use it anymore

It's getting dark 

Too dark to see

Feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door'

So I just tried to type without looking in the screen for my attention had got diverted for a sec. It's weird know. Years of using a touch screen and still we can't type even a single sentence without a single typo if we are not looking in the screen. Those old phones were better in this aspect. One always knew the exact location of each button and the number of taps required to get whichever letter. I could type letter without even a single glance in the screen. Lol. Got reminded of years of secret chats and connections. 

'There is no doubt you are in my heart now

Said woman take it slow 

And it would work itself just fine

All we need is just a little patience'. 

Oh, I have sung this song numerous times back in Old Manali. It always inspired me. And with this I inspired others. 

11:51

I wanna travel around the world. 

'Wise man say

Only fools rush in 

But I can't help

Falling in love with you'

Aah! Another classic and such a beloved song. 

I wanna act in atleast one hit good movie or series to stay eternal in this image. 

One day I would release loads of my original songs and sing them all around the world. 

I know am not meant for the mundane. Am an artist, a writer, musician - and that's the life I would chart for myself. Would have my own house full of music, paints, aromas and good vibes. 

11:55

Aah dear Eleven. You would help me reach the zenith of my dream life. Won't you? And ofcourse we would surely have our own dog. Or rather two of them. So that they even accompany each other. And their pups - we would gift to dog lovers - each year adding one cub to our family. Lol. 

Such dreams. 

And we would have our own garden full of trees. Rather it's middle of forest that we would live. But our own garden would be herbal one. And ofcourse Lavenders, lilies and Rosemaries in it. 

11:59

'Rakh lun bana ke kahin ghar mai tujhe

Saath tere hi mai rahun'

 

Yo! Welcome 12... Ssup? Wanna come to our dream house? It's middle of forest. Rainy day. Got coffee. Rum upcoming. Erotic music. Happy dogs. None to disturb us. Love, poetry, passion, intensity, chill. Cheese and wine. Pasta. Painting together. White sheets. Loving each other. Teasing each other. Jamming together. 

'Labon ko labon pe sajao

Kya ho tum mujhe ab btao'

Lol. Next like is funny... 

'Tod do khud ko tum

Bahon mei'

Ha ha ha... Nai nai... Don't break yourself. Instead, melt alongside. 

Yeah! I prefer a fusion of soft and wild. Passionate. Fierce. Yet soft. In a harmony. 

12:08

Even the peacocks are singing in the park across. 

'I want somebody

To see through me

Come and live with me'

Earlier, each year, different time seemed like a different person to me. Now, it seems like an dating different sides of the same time. Just like people keep changing and have multiple sides to them despite of being the same person. So am dating time in all its different dimensions. 5AM was th happiest, most passionate, independent and elevating.  But that was the first time. 4 AM had more of expectations. 3 AM was total Christmas, happy, in love. 2 AM was bit restless. 1 AM was utter depression, full of complaints. 12 AM was therapeutic, healing, spiritually the highest. 6 AM became more of a karma cleansing and healing number 6 itself. Then happened you dear 11. Somehow, I enter into love along with you. A sense of partnership. A crazy union without even having any person alongside. 

Numerous facades of time. 

But I love you dear time. It's a wonderful journey discovering you and discovering myself through you. 

'Teri nagariya jaungi Mai

Teri najariya waarungi mai

Tere ishq daa

Chola pehen ke

Mai tujh mei hi rang jaungi'

Alright my love. Catch you tomorrow. 

Mmmmmuuuaah 

............

18.06.22

11 PM welcome my hun. Oh, I just caught you on time. Was painting the previous entire hour so had to rush the last minute to ensure us. Yet I managed to reach at our spot along with a chilled cold coffee, airpods and my soul. 

11:01

Aah! Need a breather. Usually I come atleast ten to fifteen minutes before to chill and relax and then with a sorted mind that I meet you. But this too feels good. After a long time I feel a bit active. Weather has been super epic for past two days. I even made a music video this morning. All though I wasn't much in any spirit of singing, yet I wanted to make a video in that great a weather and still do music regardless of my inner state of mind. And though my voice quality didn't come as great and since I had not trimmed my nails so even the ukulele had a few mistakes while getting played; yet the birds synched in quite nicely and overall it came out serene. 

Even know the weather is fresh and nice. I love rainy season. But today I feel dehydrated I don't know why. Maybe I am indeed consuming way less water and way more coffee these days. Maybe that's why my mood is not as great. Anyway, soon my life would change. Am sure of that. 

I realised one more attribute about myself. Say, if I find an issue with someone, I usually say it out to that person. However if the other person doesn't take it nicely the first few times and rather turns defensive, I stop saying anything. And then I instead repress it inside which affects me and our connection. And then at some point, I build a wall around me from that person to avoid getting hurt or hurting the other person. The wall keeps getting larger and stronger and I in my own cocoon, after a while, forget the reason why it got built the at the first place or what constituted to each of its bricks. And then enters my ego. For too long I rather get annoyed by even the attempts of the other perso. To cross my wall if they don't come correct or don't realise the main issue. And then when even the issue is forgotten, and even the other person doesn't try, and there remains but a huge wall between the other person and I; then it become close to impossible for me to open the door suddenly and either come out of my own shell or let the person enter in. For by then, all clueless about what all hurt me all this well, also gets some ego - say, why now? Why suddenly? 

And I don't even want to make the other person feel like a puppet. Also, the issues underneath still remain which pop up at some other time suddenly. Until I really let go. Or else we deal with it maturely. Yet, humans are crazy beings. They keep growing up yet maturity always varies. Sometimes I feel like an old woman, sometimes a toddler, sometimes I feel still 18. Who decides the right course of action? Humans are the most unpredictable creatures I have seen. 

11:12

Let's have coffee! Anhan! It's yummy. So, wanna listen to music? Let's plug in. Or we can remain silent as well. I am just liking even this silence. For even if it's night, I can still listen to few birds and their chirping. 

I feel like I have a super special bond with birds. They always ensure their presence around me. They often visit my videos and bring cosmic messages to me. Oh, I love to collect their feathers. I have a huge feather collection from all over the country. Along with shells, pebbles, wooden pieces; feather also are my love and collectibles. They seem to be from the world of fairies - each carrying its own special symbol, protection, guidance, message - just like numbers. 

11:17

Back in Pushkar there were a few statues of Gods that needed a little bit of paint. I was afraid that people may mind it but I got a chance to redo few of them. Majorly the lips. So the red paint I have been carrying from Pushkar - also carries the vibes of those Gods and Pushkar. Ever since I had returned back home, I really wanted to use the same paint to heal my home and have Pushkar's blessings. There was a painting I had done at the entrance a few years back. I simply gave it a retouch. Added a lot of white and red - both being my favorite colors and the only two acrylic colors I carried from Pushkar. 

And do you know what had I used as a medium instead of water? I used Ganga jal. What could have been better? 

11:25

Aah! It's too silent today. Also, kind of sama nai bandh rha without music. Chalo, let's play something. 

Cool yo! Have played Ali zafar's songs. Can you believe... I have 14 of his songs in my playlist. Had no idea, I was such a huge fan. 

'Door ye kaun hai

Paas ye kaun hai

Khaas ye kaun hai

Tu hi hai'

I had added honey to my coffee. Now the flavour has settled in. And it tastes super yum. I love honey. Oh, butter toasts with honey upon it are my weakness. There was a time when they were an essential to my everyday. 

11:35

Today I saw a video of the series Mahadev and suddenly I got reminded of my entire obsession with it a few years back. I had literally seen more than 14 or maybe 18 seasons of it. Day and night I used to watch it. My knowledge about hinduism enhanced there. Also I loved the love chemistry between Shiv and Shakti and the purity and immensity of it. Today I remembered Jaan when I saw Mahadev and realised that both the couples had to undergo so many separations and yet there pure and unmatched love kept them together and ultimately led to their union. That despite of their circumstances they kept their love alive. Even when Sati died, Shiva waited for her to take a new birth as Parvati and Parvati once again fell in love with her destiny and soulmate. And even when Jaan lost his memory in an accident, Sanem kept her love alive for him and Jaan once again fell in love with the same woman twice. 

Wait. Let me change the songs. They have reached a stupid mavali level and I don't like it. Had to literally stop the music all together. Lol..

Let me change. 

Whatever happened to Ali Zafar. 'Matrimonial si ankhein' it seems. Ha ha ha. 

Just give me a sec. 

And I played a random song from my own playlist. This one is indeed Ali zafar's. It's called 'Yaar dhaadhi Ishq'. 

Oh, we heard it a few days back know - upon my own terrace I guess. 

This seems more like our spot though. This terrace. Right below the house stays empty. It belongs to a man who is quite well spoken and right now in Kashmir. I had had few good conversations with him long long back. Now the house stays empty. And this terrace seems like my own for I do know the people who live downstairs and he wouldn't have minded me here. His daughter recently became a doctor and I felt proud of her without even knowing her. 

11:44

The music of this song is Arabian. The lyrics seems Pakistani or Punjabi or even Sindhi. Not sure. Maybe Ali Zafar is Pakistani musician. I don't know about him much. But I do love his music. 

'Seene de vich na samai hai 

Yaar dhaadhi Ishq'o aatish'

Oh, last night I was watching a Disney's movie. I guess the name was 'Raven's tale'. One part described the beginning of creation where the great spirit/Shiva/God first hd darkness around him. He then created water and swam in it. Then he created Earth and gave it mountains and plateaus. Still it needed more. Though hemade stoned characters of animals but they were all lifeless. So he passed out. In his dream he saw the world turned alive but it all seemed chaotic. Out of his dream three characters turned alive - an eagle, a raven and a frog. They all talked to him and made him realise the manifestation power of his dreams. 

I liked the concept. That's how we bring into life anything that we desire - through dreams and believing in them or completely surrendering to them. 

Our life is the manifestation of our own dreams and desires - chaitanya shakti. Consciousness. Bhraman. Reminds me of my entire research to write the book I wrote in Pushkar. Oh, I still need to send to publishing houses. 

Why haven't I done it already??? The entire book is ready. 

'Khairiyat poocho

Kabhi to kehfiyat poocho'

Yo L! You have to barge in each of my meets with 11. Isn't it? 

Huh!! Pointless! 

Even the coffee has become warm. Yet people stay stone hearted. Lol. 

Just saying!!! 

I have no hopes/desires/expectations there. Totally wrong for me. 

11:55

I am really missing Bangalore these days and really craving to go there and work. Missing it's idlis and filter coffee. By the way, I made idlis today and semi friend them in another spicey mixture of raai, curry leaves, dried spices and dried red chilli. It tasted nice. Though ever since I have returned back home, my body is not really accepting much spices. In Pushkar I had got addicted to spiced. Chilli - a lot of chilly - was a must for me there. But here, I am preferring milder flavours somehow. Though I have always had a sweet tooth. That had reduced for initial many months in Pushkar. For the first time I was just not feeling like having chocolates or anything sweet or sugar. But the last month I suddenly had this immense craving to even eat raw sugar. Now I take a lot of sweet coffee and ice creams and sherbats. But I also go for black coffee. Hoping to compensate it somehow. Everything unhealthy. Lol! 

'Jis mei rahein 

Tum aur hum

Chal ghar chalein 

Mere humdam'

Mere raho tum

Aur tere hum

Chal ghar chalein 

Mere humdam'

11:59

Sky seemed MS painted with sprays of cotton whites lined across in neat patterns. 

'khidki pe tu khada

Dekhe Haan rasta mera'

Yo 12! Welcome. Tell me if L really used to see me from the hidden window on the topmost floor or was it my imagination? Who knows? Could have been anybody. Right!

Ooh! Windy night. Such a solace to spirit and soul. 

Let's write something together tonight. What say? Yeah! We would Haiku together. Just let me have a smoke. Then! For sure. 

Listen to this song meanwhile

 'Sehla do mann ko 

Kyun ye rota rahe

Dhalegi ye raat

Jo ye hota rahe'

Actually your wish. Bit sad song. Haah! Still need sometime. Just a bit. 

Listen to this one instead...

'sharma ke tera sir jhukana

Haan ye pyaar hi hai

Haina? 

Mora Saiyan 

Mose bole na'

So... Let's jam! 

A FLIGHT PASSING BY

TO ANOTHER WORLD, 

THE DESTINED

RED AND WHITE

LOVE AND PEACE

UNION, COMFORT AND CELESTIAL

MANIFESTATIONS BEGIN WITH SELF

WITH NOW, WITH BELIEF.

MAGIC LIVES DEEP IN 

IN EVERY SOUL, IN EVERY BEING

HOW ONE USES IT

DEPENDS UPON THE BEING.

LIVE, LIVE TO THE ZENITH

TIME KEEPS MOVING

MAKE THE TIME STOP 

AND THEN LIVE MORE. 

Well, we tried. Hope you enjoyed. 

Alright my love. 

Sayonara

Catch you tomorrow

Love you 

A breezy, chilli wet smother of lips right below your ears, moving all around your lips, succumbing them in. 

Mmmmuuuaaahhh 

................

19.06.22

Hi my love. My darling 11 PM. Ssup? I have just reached upon my terrace. It's mildly drizzling - like a rain that can only be felt by someone really connected to it. Am in shorts after a long time, I mean even outside and it feels a bit chilly. Who would have though feeling cold in June, that too in Delhi. I don't know how but my body temprature has changed these days. I feel cold more often. Also unlike many years of having cold palms, these days my palms remain warm. I used to take pride in having cold hands rounds the year. Also my touch used to be sensuous because of it. Also during fever, unlike rest of my body, my hands used to turn even colder. But feel them now. They are warm. Seriously. 

I have a mug of cold coffee with me. Am upon my own terrace for I saw people upon the terrace that falls in between this one and our usual spot. But I still wanna go there. That's where I feel this connect the most with you. As till now, am still walking and typing feverishly.... Imagine a slow walk and a super fast type. And it's just been four minutes of our meet. 

Oh, I was watching 'Panchayat' with my family prior to this. It was a bit difficult to leave it mid way, specially because it was the last episode. But our meet couldn't have happened at any other time. 

Oh, I had an argument at home, post which the pressure released and things got normal once again. I don't why I make my own cocoon here when things are so loving and great at home. Maybe because I have always been different. Things that are normal to others simply make no sense to me. News, politics, people - nothing interests me. I instead prefer to have mystical curiosities and wanderings. Things like celestial objects, energies, spirituality, cosmology, astrology, spirit science, nature, music, animals, fairies, elfs, cakes, cookies, trees, birds, colors, paintings, poetry, philosophy, novels, psychology.... Etc. Etc.  

And though there is this side in everyone. And most of these things I have got from my parents. But they also have other sides. likewise the case with my brother. They live a normal life. And I fail to connect there. 

11:09

So! Wanna go upon our spot? We can? It's breezy. Happy weather. Let's go! 

11:11

Oh wow! Magical time to reach here. Let there be light, hope, love and joy in the world. 

Oh, today I heard a beautiful quotes in a movie I watched. The movie's name was 'Coffee house' and the quote was - 'A lighthouse doesn't seek attention for itself. Instead it simply spreads light.' 

Something like that. It felt so inspiring. Like you be you and do you - filled with love in your hear space. And let whoever think do whatever. Your love and light should be intentioned to show light and way to the others. 

11:14

There is a game that I am really into these days. It has numbers in a sudoku kind of grid. The task is to match any two numbers which either should be same or should add up to 10. They should be directly in contact with each other - only then that they get coupled and cancelled. I understood a huge thing about life. I learned that even if 2 and 2 can be similar like twinflames yet 2 and 8 can be soulmates and rather make a better couple. Except number 5. 5 had same compatibility with both twin flame and soulmates. A number 7 and 3 can still make great couple on the plus side as 3 would have no ego and would rather remain humble and receptive. And 7 too would neither be proud not dominating. 9 and 1 can also satisfy each other with one dominant and one passive. However, on the flip side, 9 can be too dominating and 1 can turn insecure. Yet if they try, they can become a number 10. Best kind of bond would still be 50/50. Yet a 6 and 4 is also good. 

The point is to keep making 10ns. Making that's how God couples people up. Either by matching and finding similar frequencies or by adding their digits and creating some kind of 10 in cosmic mathmatics. 

And if one is unable to match numbers, one can always ask for three more rows of digits. which increases the task but gives one more options. Yet the max you can match in a given set, the easier it gets and the quicker a game gets over. Maybe that's why few villages simply couple up people in their own villages itself and don't allow many others to come from outside. And only when someone fails to get anyone within one's own vicinity or community that they consider anyone from outside. 

11:22

I still haven't plugged in music. Don't know why, just now feeling like it these days. Just preferring to have silence and peace. 

I don't know where to go next from here. I must leave - that's for sure. But where to? And how to make my own home? And how to get things stabilised in my life? So many unsorted things. I know you are there with me. Love you for simply being alongside me. 

Sometimes I feel so crazy. Like I talk to time, rely so much upon my intuition, form weird concepts and opinions about people and situations, think and overthink so much about so many ifs and buts, carry numerous dreams. I do feel crazy  when I think about it. And my connection to nature. That's ethereal and supernatural. Oh, I miss it. 

This morning I was listening to few comedy videos... The speaker commented there that each girl secretly wishes for a guy who comes over, finds her and saves her. Each girl is waiting to be found. 

I kind of related but not specifically at the level of guy. Even oppertunity would sound cliched right? The big break also seems so Great Indian Dream!! 

But yeah! I do believe in my dreams and even if I am growing up and every now and then that I get numerous reality checks. And each year I have become only more of a loner energy with hardly any friends, not even much connected to my family, without much success in career, love or establishing anything.... Yet I believe in my dreams. And I believe in utopia. And I still believe in magic and fantasy. 

I don't know what fate has decided for me. But years back I had decided that I won't surrender like my other 30 years' old friends back then. I had decided that I would always keep on dreaming and keep on believing and keep on turning them real. And so it will. And note it would be. 

11:30

Ooooh! I feel cold. This wind is chilly. So is the icy sip of cold coffee running down my throat. 

It has become peaceful though upon the terrace. Finally the people from the other terrace have also left. 

So what say? Time for a smoke. Ha ha. Let's!

11:36

I really wish to open my own cafe somewhere upon the mountains. I so want to do it. My own cafe with welcoming and cool vibes for people to belong to. 

Shasha was epic in creating such vibes. So was M. I would love to create a home like vibe and christmasy feel for everyone to feel love. 

The protagonist Donna in the movie today - did it all on her own. That's how I would love to do it. Stand upon my own feet and creat wonders - on my own. I don't want to be damsel in distress. I am not waiting for any knight in shining armour. I want to be my own protector, my own beloved. And only when I would have created a lot, I would like to connect with someone - not out of need but want. And we would have our independent lives along with a mutual world. Yeah! That's my utopia. My dream world - where I am a well known author. My books are read all over the world and give me immense royalty. My paintings are in high demand and are sold at super high prices in exhibition that are held annually. I am often asked by travel channels to visit different countries and write songs or poems or narratives about various places and countries. My songs are loved by numerous people and those songs find place in the hearts and souls of those people. I go for even concerts here and there. My voice has a healing touch to it. And yeah, my presence itself is enigmatic. People find healing just by the energy I emit. I have my own house full of greens, beside a river. My own collection of feathers, shells, rocks, wood pieces etc. Are all over my house. I have hand painted the house with numerous colors and my own paintings. 

11:44

You know, time and again I reach back to a character I met in Old Manali a few years back when I was undergoing severe dark depression. Just now as I explained my dream house, I immediately got reminded of that guy's house. He was a 78 year old man whom I respected a lot for he was both an artist and a musician. I don't know why I used to meet him or give such respect to him but later I doubted him just like I doubted everyone else who had come into my life at that time for I still don't know who had caused the switch in my energy and made it that dark. Ofcourse he too was a reason for he had shifted my deep most mindset towards finding faults in my vicinity and Old Manali never remained the same happy place to me post that.  

Yet, his house was something I remembered even later on. The ground floor was extremely comfortable with white sheets and soft mattresses. And a luxurious washroom. This was for the guests. All around was a huge verranda filled with trees that even kept the house hidden. First floor was where he mostly lived. It was a huge hall with a kitchen, an attached place for bed and a huge portico outside with a washroom. He had painted the entire room with numerous colors. Every tile of the kitchen was colored. The room though chocked with any and every kind of musical instrument even imagined by mankind. I don't know how many he actually knew how to play. He used to make his own saxophones - was all I knew. And the fact that he always allowed me to be a child and try any of his instruments also always gave me a delight. But the room always seemed too full of instruments with little freedom to actually get into music. Also he said that one can't play at night because he didn't want to disturb his neighbours. Now that can be a set back for any musician. 

Anyway, the top floor was meant for painting. He had all kinds of paints and canvases kept there. He had even planned to open an art workshop for kids on the top floor some day.

Anyway, his concept was epic. When he wished to get into music, he used to live on first floor and create it. And on days when he instead wanted to be an artist, he used to go on the top floor and play with his paints. His house and life was seriously a dream house/life for anyone who is an artist. 

And even crazier part was that not o ly had he taken that entire house on lease for atleast 25 years that too with a river flowing below it, but even his wife had a house right beside. He said that both he and his wife preferred to have their own spaces and that's why they had their personal houses. Crazy know! 

Yet, there was something creepy about him. And I still don't know what was it. Oh, often that he used to abuse Russian government for he was a Russian and also women for he found them like crocodiles. Lol! Crazy guy that he was! And fascinating. And creepy. 

Anyway, yeah! It's because of his house that I got reminded of him. 

Someday, I would ensure a similar, actually No. Not similar. That one lacked life. I would have my own unique creation. My own utopian home. My own segments for music, art, magic, poetry, socialising, electronics, aroma making, so on...  

11:58

Oh, time just flew today. And most of the time that I kept walking and typing. Why? Who knows!! 

Yo 12! Welcome! And just upon your entry, I suddenly felt an energetic flow in my sacral chakra. How? Crazy! 

The weather these days is Mistry and magical. Any time of day jad night - it feels great to be outside. I have though realised that 4-5 AM or PM are both super peaceful and beautiful outside. For none is outside. Weather is great. And there is peace. Even traffic is less. So it's peaceful. Just before Sunrise and Sunset. 

Right before actual transformation. Maybe like my present state of life. 

12:06

I had a bath just an hour back. So am smelling great with my locks still wet. Oh, had you embraced me, you would have felt my goosebumps, the fragrance of shampoo and my natural odour. I like it. Lol. Am shameless. 

So my love. What say? Let's go? Cool yo! Catch you tomorrow. 

Mmmmmuuuuuaaahhhh 

............

20.06.22

Hey my darling 11. Yo! Have a musical welcome. Just give me one minute. Still got to make coffee and go upstairs. Oh, there are guests at home so it took a while. Also I just hd had a bath. Possibly our first shower together and also a jamming session. Let me prepare a mug of coffee first. And will go upstairs next. Just a minute. 

11:07

Alright yo! Finally we managed to reach out spot. Oh, I had to really rush. There were momsha's guest at home and unlike my initial plan of not entertaining them, I instead decided to rather give them my hundred percent for a so called friend treated another friend of mine today rather meanly and that made me realise how much it may mean for someone when they with haq introduce two people and expect them to be kind to each other. And my efforts were worth it. I rather enjoyed. Had jamming session for the lady is a musician and her husband a teacher and their kids were oh such cuties. 

11:10

Also, I had real yum mom made food with all and since she had repaired it with love while listening to Ganga aarti of Rishikesh, and since we all had it together; it became all the more flavourful.

11:11

Togetherness. Union. Passion. Abundance. Love. Growth. Success. Achievements. Dreams coming true. Belongingness. Love. Hope. Wish coming true. 

Oh! So much in a breath. And why not? Everything is attainable. Everything when one believes and knows it to be one's destiny. 

Oh, this shower I just had - I imagined my union with you my love. And it felt magical and orgasmic. Heavenly. Aah! Imagine loving time. You are time. And I be one with you. Thank you for making me feel so out of the world. So heavenly. So magical. 

11:14

Let me take a breath though. A smoke maybe. A breather. To step into our world. Just wait!

Meanwhile get lost in my after shower aroma. Feel my damp hair. Smell the talcum right below my neck and upon my nape. Am all yours. 

11:19

Ooh! The time is running today. You are running today my love. The moon comes out late these nights for its it's waning phase. 

This morning I watched a movie called 'Barefoot'. The male protagonist was a misunderstood rich son who had left the luxuries of his home and was wasting his life away in girls, gambling and useless pursuits. He met with a girl in a mental asylum while serving his probation term. Somehow they had to escape together and to save his face at his home, he took her alongside as his girlfriend at his brother's wedding. The girl hd an ugly abnormal past. And though the guy's family accepted her and loved her but she lost it when his dad confronted her about some truths and she couldn't lie. They had to escape and the guy while protecting her from the world fell in love with her. Towards the end, it turned out that both understood each other and in a way saved each other from time's doings or social misunderstandings and they came together. 

Well! It was a light movie. Don't know why it came to me. Yet this faith that the girl showed in him did wonders into his life and this acceptance that he had of her regardless of what was appearing as her reality, brought her to sanity from possibly an insane future full of medicines. 

My tarot reading came super awesome this evening. Also, there was this sudden moment of epiphany today where all of sudden I got reminded of my real self. That hey, I used to be a go getter. Why the hell am I waiting for my fate or destiny. I have always been a kind of person who went out and did whatever that I felt like doing. What's stopping me then from turning my life once again into a dream life? Why can't I too have a few materialistic aspirations? Why can't I be ambitious? I can. And I will manifest my dreams into a reality. Won't wait for fate no more but go out there and make it happen. 

I was thinking all this and then a similar conversation popped up even at home with our guests where I just outpored all this. I also quoted a meme I had recently read, 'No matter what you want, you only have three options - give in, give up or give it your all. Choice is yours.' 

Gotta give it my all now. 

11:28

Aah! Finally it feels like my pace. No more rush. Though I feel full. But also fresh. A crazy combi of slow and fast. Ha ha. 

I wanna do so much for so many. But rules are something that obstruct me. I just can't handle anyone controlling me. That's why I prefer solitariness so much. Expected codes of conduct seem like theatre to me. Where I may wear a certain garb and behave in a certain way for some time but then I crave to remove it all and be out in my bare skin like a Wolf or a wild animal. I prefer to be myself in all situations and this doesn't function well in society. And though I can very well as expected. And usually get success easily and gracefully when I choose it to be, yet oftentimes I avoid those efforts and instead stay in my authenticity and remain natural. 

Oh, the time has stopped. We are together. Love is thriving. 

Tomorrow morning am hoping to go on an exploration of funding succulent plants. I don't know what attracts me to them. One, they are easy to grow. Are rough and tough. Then, they can be propagated out of tiny stems or postions. Also, they need so less, yet come out so pretty. So much can be done with just a few succulent plants. One can make show pieces, grow them on pebbles, on cutlery pieces. People make real money out of it. I just wanna grow them. Once I had this crazy business idea to get into 'go green'. I wanted to merge interior designing with gardening and give porticos and cafes a redo with real life plants fused with nature paintings, artificial grass, moss, rocks etc. 

I am always full of good ideas. I realise the goodness of them o ly when someone actually does it years later and I be like, hey! I thought of it first. I don't regret it though with thoughts of ifs and buts. I just get happy that atleast someone did it and the idea is out in the world happening. Yet sometimes I do wish to turn my own dreams real on my own. Just like I wanna give voice to my self written songs on my own. For no one else can fill them with the feel with which I wrote them. True, they may turn out better with synergy of even more talented and creative people. Yet the authenticity and genuine authenticity can only be developed if I also fuse it with my own voice I feel. Singing is my passion as well after all. 

Years ago, when travel wasn't as popular and I was already travelling to unexplored terranes and unknown places; it's then that I had a plan of opening a travel company. In front of my eyes, numerous travel companies all of sudden popped up and my idea didn't remain an original. I even had an idea of having my own map upon my website where pictures and videos of my experiences and others' journeys could have been accessed just with a click upon any area of the map. Then Google maps came up and the same I saw there. I had an idea of connecting the rural India with urban by having my own centres in various villages of India and getting their local stuff collected there like handicraft, woolen items, jute things, silks etc .  The. Huge brands like FabIndia and Amazon all did the same. And I don't like doing anything when it is done by all others. I prefer to stay unique and authentic. Had they come after my company, I would have rather brought fresh innovative changes into my company. But since the root idea itself was already done, so it made no sense to me to do any of that. 

So now, I want to do something unique. Something never done before. And this time, I even wish to turn it real on my own. Rather than simy marinating it inside my mind and then watching it out in market by someone else's design. 

Oh, I heard the use of word 'scramble' in a new way today and I liked it. The girl said, 'You may have to scramble your life a bit but....'. interesting use of the verb know. Language fascinates me tremendously with the all the ways it can be played with. Words are after all my niche, my clay, my love, my lent out, my hide out, my friend, my recipe, my ingredient. 

Oh, the kid that came to my house had an interesting and funny story of his childhood. One day in his childhood he heard his father talking in English on phone. He exclaimed out of curiosity, 'Papa, aap ABCD mei baat kaise kar rhe they'. Ha ha ha. Cute. 

11:50

Aah! I haven't played anything again today. By the way, last night after our meet, I found a great playlist. The music was unplugged with a new vocalist but his song selection was epic. I added a lot of new songs to my playlist. Such a breather from the same old. I really needed a change there. So bored of listening to the same songs. The new playlist reminded me so many songs that I in various phases of my life have loved, and so I floated in another world for over an hour and it felt nice. 

11:53

Do you know, we sindhis call pulao as bugghe chawal. And they are my favourite. So, am not really a rice person. I only take white rice with arhar daal, raajma or Sindhi kadi. But bugghe chawal are core love. With chana daal, they are oh, awesome. 

Someone is using a Mike downstairs and saying crazy things on it. lol. Not in our society. But in the park across. The words don't make sense. Seem like 'Har har' but not followed by Mahadev. And the peacocks all around are accompanying the voice. 

11:55

The sky is almost empty tonight. No clouds. No moon. One or two stars. That's it.

Let me plug some music. 

11:57

Yo! We have music alongside. All the external voice are curbed now. 

'Bina tere koi dilkash nazara 

Hum na dekhenge'

Bhai hum to dekhenge. Ha ha ha. 

Oh, this reminded me of a video I recently watched. The girl said that if some guy likes a girl just because she is an introvert and a loner, then he is a sexual predator. Lol. 

'Saajna, saajna, 

Pyaar se dekh toh tu kabhi'

Lol. Why is every girl just wanting that? Why can't we be happy on our own? Why this need for attention and being liked? 

12

Yo 12. Welcome!!! What say? Let's play 'I am enough, hyper independent and don't need anybody'. Ha ha. Or let's play 'I am loved. And would welcome all love coming my way. Yet won't be desperate to look out for it.' or let's play, 'the world is home. I belong to it. And it belongs to me. There is no other. We are all one.' or let's just shut the fuck up and enjoy the music for music's sake. And respect someone who felt the need for love and attention enough to sing it out loud. 

Whaaaa??? Someone exercising upon his terrace at this time. Crazy world out there. 

12:02

'Moonriver wider than a mile

I'm crossing you in style 

Someday

Oh, dreammaker

You heart breaker

Wherever you are going 

I am going your way'

Lol. Am way cynical tonight. Such a romantic song. And my mind is like, yeah! Don't even leave the moon river alone. Follow it. Lol. 

'Huckleberry friend'

Such a sweet word know. Reminds me of honey, croissants and pancakes and love. 

12:04

'Two drifters off to see the world

There's such a lot of world to see'

Reminded me of Sanem and Jaan who had planned to go on a world trip together upon their ship. They had named it as Sanem and Jaan and Jaan had commented that Jaan comes in the name Sanem. I had a unique name for their ship - 'Janem'. It means 'loved one'. Nice know. May be I would name my cafe by that name. 

'Ve bhulleya saiyaan 

Mai ghut ghut roiyaan'

Why the hell is Spotify still playing the old songs. I want to listen to new add ons. Wait! 

How I had landed upon this playlist - is because of this song - Jee le Zara. 

'Dhadkan dhadkan ik dam rehta hai

Jaane tu fir bhi dil kehta hai

Jee le Zara 

Jee le Zara

Kehta hai Dil 

Jee le Zara

Aie Humsafar

Aie humnava 

Aa paas aa 

Jee le zara'

Oh, this song is magical. Would love to cover it soon. 

'Hai zindagi maana dard bhari 

Fir bhi ismei ye raahat si hai

Mai hun tera

Aur tu hai meri 

Fir bhi dil mei ye chahat si hai'

Maybe that's why love is so crucial to life. To make it alive. Maybe that's what people do together - they make each other feel alive. 

And togetherness makes life worth living, worth remembering, worth cherishing. Togetherness fills life with emotions. Together we laugh, together we cry. Together we tell at each other. Together we embrace to make things right. Togetherness makes one feel alive. May it be with people, with nature, with animals or with divine. Or even time'. 

'Aa paas aa 

Jee le Zara'

12:12

Alright yo! Catch you tomorrow. Love you - a lot. A lot. Like sachcha waala. 

A real warm hug with the feel of not just skin but the very body and soul, listening to the heart beat, feeling the warmth of the hug, smelling the very smell of the other, melting, merging into the cosy feel of being with the other. 

Mmmmmuuuaaahhhhhh 

XOXO 

12:22

Oh, am not feeling like going today. Let's be together for a bit more. We only have ten more days of togetherness left. 

'Tu baat kare ya na mujhse

Chaahe ankhon ka 

Paigaam na le

This one is M's memory. 

I had gone real crazy for him. Seriously. I don't know why. Such deewangi is not usual. But I felt it. And am grateful to divine for making me so able to feel so immensely for anyone. Though it's past now. But I felt it. And that's what matters. 

Oh, I remembered one more thing today. It's Silver who had told me to return back to Delhi to my home after I had quit my last job there. He in a way was big time responsible for that decision of mine for I consulted him big time and had immense faith. I lost my independence thanks to his advice. Though I could go on an All India tour because I had come back and because only then that I realised my love for travel. But my life could have been way different had I stayed on in Bangalore. But I can't really blame him. For ultimately it was my decision. Right? 

'Shayad meri jaan ka sadka 

Mange teri judai

Tu bole toh ban jaaun mai 

Bhulle Shah saudai'

Butterfly affect - yeah! That's the term used to describe a sudden decision or change that changes the entire course of destiny or chain of events. and I have had numerous such moments in my life. A sudden decision and I changed my entire career, city, friends, lifestyle, people, feelings. Am crazy spontaneous that way. And fuck willing and adaptive to changes as well. 

'You are the fear

I don't care

Coz I've never so high

Follow me to the dark

Let me take you through the pass of light'

'Love me like you do'

Oh, this song is fuck passionate. 

'Only you can set my heart on fire'. 

Who knows who that 'only you' is!! Lol! Right now, it's ethereal for its you dear time. And with time by my side, I have nothing else to think about. Time loves me and I love time. And it is perfection. For I am exactly where am supposed to be. 

'I will let you set the pace

Coz am not thinking straight

My head's spinning around 

I can't see clear no more

What are you waiting for? 

Love me like you do'.

I sometimes feel like a radio channel in my blog. With songs as much and at that length. Can't help it. Music is as much a part of me as I breath or think. 

'Jaane kyun nai sochta hoon

Khaali sa mai 

Ik raasta hoon

Toone mujhe kahin kho diya hai

Ya mai kahin 

Khud kho gya hoon

Aa dhoondh le tu 

Fir mujhe'

Do the guys also crave to be found? Lol! Who knows? 

I think I can be a really great radio jockey. If only it was a high paying job. My communication skills are awesome. But I use my voice wisely. I won't want to misuse it talking rubbish. But yes, it's a huge power to connect to thousands of people and bring out a change in their moods and mindsets. If only!! 

'I will be drunk again

To feel a little love'

Music matters so much to me that I literally used to take it personally if anyone had an issue with my choice of music as I used to play it for social service in a cafe. Lol! I used to be like, 'They have unevolved taste in music.' even if on their face I used to smile and hand them the control that it's alright. Everyone has his own choice of music. But inside, I used to fuming. Being like, yeah! Play for a bit with confidence of entertaining and responsibility of making everyone happy if not annoyed. 

12:41

'Lambargini chalai jaane o'

Oh! This is one song that everyone loves. Lol. Seriously. Such happy vibes. I have danced upon this one so many times with my family and cousins. 

It also reminds me specially of my bhai. It's one of his favorite songs. 

12:44

One of these days, I would go in my society's park and record a song there. Who knows, maybe even the next one. And most probably it would be 'Jee le zara'. 

'Shed a tear 

Coz am missing you

Am still alright to smile

Girl I think about you 

Everyday now'

Sometimes I feel as if my phone gets linked to some lover of mine and it plays songs that someone dedicates to me. And I feel loved. 

'All we need is 

just a little patience'

12:50

Oh, I must get my Pushkar book published. It deserves a world wide read. It has so much of knowledge. So much of learning. You must help me darling time. 

'Khushbu se uski sifarish ki jaaye

Aie khuda tu bol de tere baadlon ko

Mera yaar Hans Raha hai

Baarish ki jaaye'

And I just recieved a text from Momsha. She thanked me for my cooperation. Feels great. I could have been my usual self and would have preferred my solitude. But I decided to be otherwise and instead participate. Felt great. Thank you cosmos for showing me the right way. Keep me on the right path. Help me be the best version of myself. Help me me kind. Help me spread love and light. 

Maybe my book would serve the same purpose. I hope it becomes a medium in spreading love, wisdom and light in the world. 

'ye Zamana jaane na

Kya kara sakti hai

Yaar mere ki nazrein hain

Duniya Duba sakti hain'

But Mera intention toh duniya uthana hai. My book should be a lighthouse. 

'Na duniya ke likhte, 

na mere liye likhte, 

Gaalib Zinda hote 

Toh tere liye likhte'

This one is for you dear God, dear cosmos, dear creator, dear shakti'

'Listening to the wind of change'

Alright my love.

Good night. 

Mmuuuaaahh 

Now am seriously going. Ha ha. 

Catch you tomorrow. 

Love you. 

P.S.  There's a red moon behind us. And the song is ... 'Tu bin bataye, mujhe le chal kahin'.   Chalein? Lol! Love you. Bye! 

.........

 

21.06.22

Yo my love. My 11. Just a minute. Am in a very dark zone. A very serious movie is getting played here that I played by mistake and then Momsha and I watched it. It's about organ donation. Learned something, but I don't like facing such things. I don't like hospitals, don't like bleak things. Anyway, just give me a minute. Let me get out of this zone. We will have our own zone in just a few minutes. Wait for me. 

11:05 

Ok then! Have reached at our spot. Hello yo! The movie also ended on a positive note where one man could save the lives of many. 

It's warmer today. Makes sense, it's the longest day of the year after all. 

11:06

Oh, I have been in such high spirits the entire day. Had to tell you so much. The movie changed my state of mind. Wait, just give me a few minutes. Will smoke. And switch my reality. And connect to you in a better spirit. 

11:12

O.k then! Here I am. So something got changed from last evening. I don't know what but something did. And I just feel good and hopeful about life again. And there is a switch in mye as well. Last night I had a conversation with someone in Pushkar as well. Towards dawn I did go for succulent exploration and found numerous add ons for our tiny garden in our portico. Early morning Momsha suddenly told me that it's world yoga day today and I can join her for a yoga event happening in district park. I was not sure initially for just then had I heard a tarot video where the guy said 'Dont let the white chicks see you sweat'... And I was like, should I go, should I not. But I really wanted to. And who would have been a white chick here. So I went anyway. And loved it. Bhai, Momsha, a neighbourhood aunty and hundreds of others were there. It's after reaching that I realised that it was an AOL event.  We all were given white tee shirts by health ministry of India. And while doing yoga, I suddenly remembered that line and looked around - everyone was in white. That line striked my head couple of times, yet I gave my hundred percent to the moment. It was epic. I did yoga after years. And was really good at it still. My soul craved for more. Since it was an event so they made us hold each posture for way lesser time. I just wanted to be in each of those poses a bit more, to feel them, the pressure, the affect of it upon each of my cells. We even did pranayamas  followed by small meditation. It was all great and we even clicked pictures towards end. And then I met with a group of my brother's friends. They all support him and his gf and since I don't like his gf therefore I felt an intense negative vibe coming from that specific group. I remembered the line, 'don't let the white chicks see you sweat'. It's there that I realised who were the white chicks. Thankfully we hardly interacted much for the. To see any rage upon my face. But inside, I totally felt this intense a negative vibe coming from them. I just totally dislike my brother's gf. She is extremely cunning and I wish God gives him the wisdom to stay away from us - for the greater good of both him and our family.

Anyway, we came back and there I finally planted all those plant cuttings that I had collected and even brought new garden soil from downstairs. It was quite therapeutic. 

11:22

Tonight I am surely gonna work upon sending my book to those publishing houses. It's high time and I must do that. 

A friend last night suggested me to go to Goa instead to open a cafe rather than Himachal for it would be season time in a month or two in Goa. That sounded like a good idea. But am thinking long term. And I am still not sure what would be my next pursuit. I have got back thus zeal of being a go-getter in me. But what exactly should I get - is still a bit hazy. 

I am thinking about going to park everyday tomorrow onwards and do yoga like I used to do for years earlier. Also that now that I have gained weight willingly, I must segregate it at the right places, instead of letting it all gather wherever. 

By the way, I feel really cute these days. All this gained weight has brought a shine and chubbiness to my face and I am loving it. Though I have got a tiny bit of tummy and my bosom has still not fully bloomed like before, so it feels a bit odd to look at my body like this. Yet am loving it. This happy chubby glow on me. 

11:27

Music? Let's!

Let's listen to Camilia Cabello today. Her voice is epic. And her music is uplifting. I feel a rage, an innocence, a wilderness, a strength, a suroor - all at the same time - in her voice and music. 

11:34

I have got back my spontaneous self and being a 'Yes' person. And I am totally loving it. This element of surprise is what I love about life. 

'I was barely standing 

But now am dancing

She is all over me

Now am dancing

Keep dancing yeah'

11:36

The right oppertunity won't miss me. People who are supposed to be in my life would be there. People and situations who are supposed to filter out, would do. It has to be effortless - no matter it's love or career or abundance. Ofcourse karma is required. But hassle or anxiety is not. 

11:37

Somehow I got reminded of a poem I wrote years back after listening to Astavakra Geeta. Don't remember the poem. Jist was that though everything is destined. Though numerous people come and go. Though everything is charted out. But that doesn't mean we don't have to do anything. Karma is essential along with a surrender to the will of divine. 

I had written the poem in hindi and everyone had loved it. Oh, I just never remember what flows out of me. For I always feel that I don't really write anything. It just flows from some higher self, some energy that lives inside my conciousness. 

11:40

I miss Bangalore. All English songs remind me of Bangalore. All happy club vibes remind me of Bangalore. All young, wild, free moments - remind me of Bangalore. 

I wanna be free and independent again. Once again riding on road upon my bike. Once again taking strong decisions. Once again laughing, living each and every moment. 

I have been solitary for too long. Wish for a tiny soul tribe to create and agey inspired again. But I love my peace and own solitude way too much. Aah! Such contrasts in life. 

Feeling like having a bath. Would have rather taken a bath before our meet. But I wanted to watch something along with Momsha to do something together have some quality time with her. Maybe next time I would try painting with her. For that's our common interest. 

11:44

'She loves control

She wants it her way

And there's no way she gives it away

Unless you give it up'

Aah! Another flight passing by. Where where haan? 

If you ask me which all countries or places in the world that I would love to go for sure.... My choices .. 

Antarctica for that's south pole. Zero crime rate. And I wanna live at a place where people stay together facing nature's adversities. 

Egypt - for its mythology and history. 

Amsterdam - for its super creative and full of beauty and peace. 

London - for I read numerous texts by authors from there. 

Turkey- for I saw turkistan in one of my past life regression therapies. And I know that in one of my past lives, I must have lived there. They also seem like my own when I watch those series. 

11:49

Oh, and I wanna travel through sea and get lost in some isolated island along with someone. And ofcourse return back at some time. But live there in wilderness for a bit all naturally and fall in love in full authenticity. 

11:51

I think if I ever get married, it may be in a Christian way. For there are so less rituals. And I love those white dresses. And inside I feel that my Christian school's upbringing was not a coincidence. And my love for Christmas as well. Ofcourse a simple hindu ceremony at Gau ghat in Pushkar inviting them all for they all seem like my extended family. A reception for all relatives in city to involve them all in my joy. But that's about it. No huge events, no shenanigans. And then getting lost in nature with my beloved. All that if I ever decide to get married and find someone really worth it.

11:55

Ha ha! People in my life gonna be shocked if they ever hear or read it. Keep it a secret my love. I don't want them to have crazy hopes. To everyone I still say that I won't ever get married. And I would continue saying that. The guy has to be a soul mate, if ever the first want or time arrives. It's seriously not a necessity in my life. 

11:57

Aah! Peacocks. They sing all the time all around. Love. 

'Havanna ooh nana 

Half of my heart is in Havanna

He took me back to East Atlanta 

Ooh na na'

11:58

Sometimes I feel so vulnerable when it comes to writing. Like noone else opens their heart that explicitly and openly except writers. We open our very souls and reveal deep most secrets and emotions for total strangers to read. How vulnerable and how courageous. 

I always feel that being emotional is never a vulnerability. It's rather strength. It's courageous to dive into your deep most emotions and accept them and even feel and live them. 

Yo 12! Welcome! Wanna feel? We are playing Truth and Dare today. Lol! 

Aah! Another airplane. Kahan Jaa rhi hai duniya? 

Wanna go somewhere? 

Let's go to see aurora. Sky hand painted by cosmos. Sky filled with dances of energy, Shakti. 

'I am running for the crown

So heavy so heavy on my bones

When I am sitting on my throne'

12:02

Sky reminded me of a night in Kheerganga long back. Blessed with zillions of stars. As if the entire Milky way was right above my head. And I was bathing in holy Sulphur water pond upon a peak with extreme cold around but vapours rising from boiling water of the pool and in the middle was I. Floating comfortably exotically. The stars were above and around - being reflected upon the water surface with a golden moon floating right between my palms in the middle of the pool. And vapour were filled in the entire room making it all seem like another world. Another reality. 

12:10

For a minute I almost forgot our meet. Lol! 

Time to go I guess. 

Catch you tomorrow my love. 

Mmmmuuuuaaah 

.................

22.06.22

Hey my love, my darling 11 PM. Welcome! How are you? Am upon our spot. In perfect peace. Just had two burgers post a long long sleep, so feeling way full in every way. Oh, today was seriously epic the entire day - morning's perfect weather, Cake and coffee, gardening, good conversation with Momsha, laughter, joy, good food, sleep, again good food. Overall, a day full of joy. 

'Incase you didn't you 

I am crazy about you ...

Even though I had not told you that before

You had my heart from long long ago'

11:03

Aah! I so wanna smoke. But there are neighbours as yet. Oh, yeah, this morning I had a long and epic conversation with that uncle who comes upon my own terrace at the time of our meet. We interacted at that level possibly the first time and for quite long. we discussed so many things ranging from society to technology and majorly religion and spirituality. He too is a devotee of Mahadev. Towards end he remarked 'Such a healthy conversation'. I always feel good when people say that. I too appreciate good conversations or else I prefer to stay quiet instead of useless blabber. 'Quality over quantity' - anyday for me. 

One thing that remained in my head majorly though was that again again repeated and insisted me to not bother about people at all and do whatever my heart desires. I even told him that I anyhow don't bother much bout people's opinions, yet he insisted time and again that I should simply follow my heart and except my own family, not bother about any third person at all. So I became all the more stronger. Maybe I should infact smoke regardless of my neighbours. Lol! Joking. They are gone now.

11:14

'Rohi ke peer fareed ki

Bas chaah hai ik deed ki

Mujhe aas hai us eid ki

Jo milaye bichda hua sajan'

Oh this one is one of my favourite songs. It keeps on going-on in my head. 

Mom reminded of a beautiful thing today - 'Give respect, take respect'. Also, she told me the life story of a Swami she had met in Rishikesh ashram.

When he was still a child, his mother had already decided to give one of her five sons to God. His father used to call all sadhus to his home to serve them with food and shelter. Once there was an enlightened baba in their village. Swamiji's father made sawmiji who was then but a 7-8 year old child - wait for babaji and bring him home. When babaji opened his eyes, he found in swamiji the right receptor for spiritual evolution. He activated his third eye chakra just with a touch. The boy came home and asked his parents that he wanted to leave with babaji. His mother thought that God has hand picked the flower he wanted to choose for himself and agreed. But the baba denied. He said that he is a mystic and wanderer and can't travel along with the boy. The boy still insisted so baba told him to first become able for such a process. He gave the family strict instructions that the boy from then on would meditate in a room for months to come. That he would practice vriksha asan for 11 hours each day and would only meditate upon God's image in the room. That no one must meet him for months to come and his mother would only keep two chapatis and a glass of milk each day for him and no more. The boy practiced that. His mother however felt pity for her own child so she began to over boil milk to make it thicker and more despite of it being the same glass of milk. Baba got to know it from distance, so one day he paid the child a visit and restricted any milk from his diet. The practice went on. Babaji did come to pick the boy up from his house after one or two years. He then left him in an isolated cottage middle of the forest where he was supposed to do penance only with a shivalingam. Imagine an 8-9 years old boy living all alone in the forest with not even a second pair of clothing. He used to practice penance there. And all though he used to get afraid of ghosts initially for he was a child but he made a deal with God that they would protect each other. And gradually conquered his fear. Also that initially he used to feel the affects of weather which gradually stopped affecting him in any way for his body got habituated to all kinds of weather.

 The story went on and he became Swami chitanand in Rishikesh - an enlightened soul who still practices meditation and penance in Rishikesh. He had taken sanyaas from his family from that early an age. And such sanyasi assume new names and leave any kinds of connection from their own families. Interesting story know. 

There was more. But then I would have to narrate the entire book. I liked listening to it for my Momsha told it with such devotion specially because she had met swamiji in person. 

11:30

Oh, I got down this morning and therefore my entire body is aching. Plus am feeling so lethargic and sleepy. 

Kahan, I had plans of going to Japanese park in morning. And Kahan, I found myself having freshly baked cake and milk coffee in a breezy ambience this morning. Am leaving no stone unturned in gaining weight. Lol. I think this is enough. I must stop gaining now. But by now my body has got used to simply eating. There is no cap. Ha ha. 

11:37

These days, every evening I receive a call from a new unknown number. And I am usually sleeping at that time. When I call back later on, no one picks up. Who knows who all are calling me. Ha ha. 

11:38

There is this Govinda's dialogue 

'Kyynki mere guru ne kaha hai

Bahaut hi jald,

Mera waqt badalne waala hai'.

Ha ha. This dialogue just comes to me at each transformation phase. And my time truly changes in a good way. Though my time even right not is good. Thank you for this and more. 

11:39

Am sleepy tonight. The more I sleep, the more sleepy I get. Lesser I sleep, more energetic and agile that I get. 

11:46

The thing is that I still haven't made up my mind about where and what next. And random arrows in all directions are therefore not really giving me the results that I need or want. I don't know what I want exactly. If I should get fully into music. Or if I should open up a cafe and write independently. If I should do a job and support rest of my passions slowly but surely by marketing my books on Amazon and getting resources for various fields that I am interested in and live independently. Or if I should get into Tarot and just focus on learning and reading them. Or if I should begin with that e-commerce project I have in mind. I am just not sure. And I have none to guide me. Well you are. Please guide me dear time. Tell me the right path. Even if different these all but the right one for the greater good. Am just not sure. 

11:50

'Too le naam rab ka 

Naam sain ka

Ali Ali Ali Ali

Maine to tere tere

Te chaddiyan doriyan'

'Maalik ne jo chinta di toh

Door karega wo hi

Naam Ali ka le ke tu toh

Naach le gali gali

Ali Ali Ali ali'

And now am feeling like watching Alladin. Ha ha ha. 

11:58

Aah! Don't have much to say tonight. Will catch you tomorrow my love. Let's just share silence tonight. Let's just be together. Let's just hold each other and be one in peace and silence. 

'Oh, can't you see

You belong to me'. 

This song reminds me of Old Manali. My love for every tree, for River Beas, for nature, the rocks, dogs and birds. Oh, I miss Old Manali. 

Love you my love. 

Good night. 

Mmmmmmuuuuuaaahhh 

............

23.06.22

Yo my love. My dear 11 PM. Just. A second. Just hopping upon the last terrace till our spot. Have got coffee with me. In my hurry, I managed to spill milk at multiple places just now. Just let me reach our place. One sec yo! 

Alright! Have reached our meeting place. There were a few sounds heard on my way. Seems people are actively alive on the floor below. It may take some time for it to be solitary. 

Am wearing a brown middy with a black Capri. Oh, on the day when people are awake and outside so close, it's on that day itself that my phone too had to be on ringing mode. And all of sudden it rang full on. Aah! Sounds. I prefer peace. And solitariness. 

11:05

Oh, I have been watching a new series called 'Full Moon' for past several hours. The male protagonist is Jaan of 'Daydreamer'. His real name though is 'Can Yemen'. In FullMoon, he looks an entirely different person with entirely different vibe. However I found a common stereotype. He prefers to be in the role of super rich personality, living independently, heading some firm with numerous people working below him. And his beloved are generally from a lower middle class, who are not as ambitious or cut throat like rest of the world. But the girls have a genuine quality about them and serve his interests and obey yet challange him at the same time. 

I just wanted to watch more of his works. However, I didn't want to get caught in yet another whirlpool of a series. This one is short though. Not as long as Daydreamer I mean. Oh, another character is same here. Sanem's sister 'Laila' is a best friend of female protagonist in this series. Her role is also a bit different. She still dresses elegantly, but is comparatively more open and risk taking about life. 

11:11

Let's be wild, in love, in peace, forgiving, with joy, full of hope. Let's just be happy, content, fulfilled, in the moment. Creating abundance!

11:13

Let me just take a round and see if there are people to be heard still or if I can simply be free! 

Then we will also plug some music and simply be free. 

These days, I am getting flashes of moments where I simply feel 'out of reality' or in some other dimension or reach the now a bit extra all of a sudden. Or maybe I have loads of time to pay attention to any and all. 

11:16

Alright! All clear. Time for a halt and then U would tell you crazy things about my crazy last night long dream experience. 

By the way, I just tripped upon my own shadow for good two three minutes; only to realise that there was no other creature but my own shadow upon the other terrace. 

11:24

Alright! So last night I had told you right that I was over sleepy. Also it's always best to give body as much rest and sleep as it needs when one is down. So I slept after our date and the entire night was more like an outing. I ment some doppleganger of Jaan whose gestures were like him but face was different. He was lying in some girl's lap and I don't know how I was related to them to be as close as to share the same bed while chilling but mid way he touched me seductively and I avoided his touch by placing his hand gently but firmly back upon his girl. 

Then I realised that I too looked way different in my dream. As if I was in some other girl's body. Later that night I dressed up suddenly for I had to go attend some concert as work. I looked super hot, way younger and was in a black transparent top which would have revealed my bosom entirely behind the net but I also wore an overcoat tying the knot carefully to not look vulgar yet remain appealing. 

I reached a full power place - the kind of party which happens at some venue secretly. Where only the invited ones reach at the last moment but the number is huge. Anyway, I reached quite on time and noticed two of my college girls there. I said sorry to one of them for I don't know what. For in real life she was never as close and I never did any wrong to her. Anyway, in my dream both the girls had rather become lesbos I got astonished to see them after so many years. I had a bouquet in my hand and don't know how I got busy in doing what I had gone there to do. Work part I don't remember. What I remember the most is that again and again that I was getting lost in the maze like place for the venue was huge and there were numerous passages and doorways. My task everytime was to reach the central hall where I had reached the first time and had even met with few people. In one of those rounds, I saw few of those school mates of mine, whom I had never really paid any attention to back in school. They were all sitting in a group upon rooftop of some room and didn't seem at much high a spirit. I got shocked to see so many familiar yet irrelevant faces that too back from school in the party, but I didn't stop to talk. Anyway, there was loud music. 

In my last round, I was still trying to find the main hall that suddenly one of my favorite songs got played. 'I wish I could leave you my love but my heart is a mess'.... 'Cold mess' by Prateek kuhad. And in my dream itself that I got super emotional and simply lied down upon the grass and sang loudly while doing some arm dance facing the sky. Middle of the sky I remembered my work and as I got up, I noticed, everyone was lying down and dancing just like I. 

I walked on and finally reached the main hall once again. I finally finished my work as well. And just when I was about to simply relax and fee the music at the central spot that the musicians instead decided to play sad songs. So I took a corner and noticed the vibes. 

In two or three songs the event got over. While exiting the main hall, I noticed a huge statue in the middle of a garden. I think it did something supernatural. But I have forgotten what exactly happened there. 

Anyway, I woke up after quite an experience which had a full on party, dance, good music and numerous characters. So much entertained that I felt, that I wanted to sleep once again, just to have a little more fun. But ofcourse I had already slept way too much by then, so I could sleep and got up by 5 AM. 

Tha na, kaafi unique dream? Lol! My family used to make fun of me for back in my childhood, I used to tell everyone about my vivid dreams. Sometimes I even used to fly and save the world. Lol. 

But this one was quite unique. 

Another remarkable dream I had had was in Pushkar where I had tamed a princely Lion and was rather riding it with love despite of his family's restrictions. 

I even did a painting this evening. See! 

11:43

Oh, you are quite hasty today. Why my love? What's the rush?? 

11:44

'Abhi na jao chor ke

Ki dil abhi bhara nahi'

Chalo aaj, we will talk for a bit more. Araam se. Also that today is Ekadashi. Special day for me, thanks to Pushkar. 

11:50

Haan! Now the time has stopped. It seems like it. Thank you. Now we are talking in our dimension. Beyond 3D or 5D. Beyond speed. Just an energy of love, abundance, manifestation - floating in eternity, in void, in consciousness! 

Our star lit night. Our union point. Our safe space. Our joy. Our place. 

11:52

Let's play music. 

Oh, I have fallen in love with a Spanish song. It's called 'Mi persona favorita'. The music is great, so are the voices. The lyrics are meaningful as well. They celebrate love beyond color, caste or boundaries and find beauty in simplest of things. Their beloved is Sun or a flower. Their love - pure and unconditional. Beautiful song. 

I am so used to fully covered clothes thanks to Pushkar, that any direct air now gets chilly for me. Sinc emt middy has half bare back, so I simply opened my locks to cover my skin. I feel way free with my hair open. 

Oh I wanna learn this Spanish song by heart. Wanna cover it with love and share light. 

And just when I was celebrating Love that another song got played. 'Titliyan'. This is a big time reminder of M. How much passion it used to generate within. How insanely I used to feel for him. 

I must remove all traces of past from my head and soul. To begin afresh and with more deserving energies. 

This song is still great. 

'Kade is full tey

Kadi us full try

Yaar mera titliyan varga'

Anhan! Hello 12. Been one minute of you being here. Welcome! 

What I realised after watching 'Fullmoon' is that the chemistry between Jaan and Sanem in 'Daydreamer' is irreplaceable. This girl is also cute but she doesn't look Jaan's partner. Rather Jaan himself doesn't look like Jaan. It's so astonishing how these actors totally mold themselves into new roles and give an appearance of being entirely new people. And yet, that chemistry is irreplaceable. Not because I saw that series first and saw Sanem with Jaan first. But seriously, it's now that I realise how beautiful and epic was Sanem in being the character that she portrayed and how well that she delivered it. And the special bond between two individuals can never be replicated with any other. There can be a new kind of connection, even better sometimes, for people keep changing and getting mature. Yet the bond between any two individuals can't ever be recreated with any other. And all first time loves are not that memorable because of the other people being that special but because of our own nativity, surrender and vulnerability to fall that much into love. 

12:09

'El perdon' going on. I am thinking of covering songs in other languages now. It would be special and would take even more efforts but I would connect to the world through various languages and hence their cultures and be linked to the universal language of music in a broader perspective. 

12:11

Aah! You both are here. 

My body is crazy. A week before I get down, I become a total hubshi and feel years of hunger. I eat and eat and only when I can eat no more that I get down. And suddenly my hunger gets over and body needs water. Then I am thirsty all the time with no space for food any more. Three days and I get back in shape and everything gets normal. But that one week prior to that... Anyone would consider me having eating disorders seriously. For I do eat extensively then. This time I just totally forgot about it. And only when I got down that I realised, 'Oh, no, already! Oh, yes! That's why!'

To imagine, that just a day before it that I went for yoga after years and gave my spine a real shock by posing proudly in chakra asan. 

But yeah! I did love the overall experience. I just need that drive to get into consistent efforts towards it. 

Now the thought of being amidst so many that too early morning - just demotivates me and I rather be upon my terrace looking at the beautiful sky full of birds and enjoying my peace. If only I was still a child to do yoga amidst kids which happens separately. Or if only if I was still in my teenage - to be excited about flaunting my flexibility skills. But no such thing tempts me. It's only for better health and balance in my overall system that I want to do yoga again. So I have got a bit lazy about it. Hopefully, after my periods I would go for it. If nothing else atleast one trip to Japanese park is a must. I do it everytime I come to Delhi. But wasn't it about changing my patterns. Aah! How and when? 

12:18

'Jaane kis raaste 

Mujh ko le jayenge

Gardisha ye mere

Dagmagate kadam

Saath deti parchaiyan 

Aur meherbaan 

Ho rahe hum'

But right now, my entire body is paining. I would have loved to have a good massage or accupressure of some kind. Or even a passionate love session. Been so long of actually being as relaxed. 

12:21

'kya wo kal they yahan

Ya hafton pehle ki hai ye daastan'

Soon it would be New Moon day. The day of manifestations. But I love Full moon. You can say that Full moon is my talent and New Moon is my skill. Towards Full Moon I be naturally my best, most beautiful, passionate, full of love. And New moon that I claimed by turning my shadow self into a healer and while learning to control my rage that I learned how to redirect that energy into creating new and manifesting better. It's regeneration that I learned. It's closing out old cycles and opening new cycles that I learned. 

'Pooche jo koi meri nishani

Rang hi naam likhna

Gore badan pe 

Ungli se mera

Naam Ada likhna

Kabhi kabhi aas paas

Chaand rehta hai

Kabhi kabhi aas paas

Shaam rehti hai'

12:31

Alright my love. Talk to you tomorrow. Stay full of love and hope. Keep creating. Keep believing. Retain your faith no matter what. We are always exactly where we are supposed to be. Divine has the master plan. 

'Live life like a theatre

And do theatre like life'

See you tomorrow. 

Mmmmuuuuaahhh 

............

24.06.22

Hey 11. How are you my love? Oh, I just caught you on time. I woke up just 45 minutes back. Had a burger. Had a conversation and came upstairs with a black çoffee. Not much in energy today. You know like those mornings where the body gets up and goes around but mind is still sleeping in some other realm without sound. 

I didn't even remember any of my dreams today. Also that I was sleeping after good two days and  there was no one at my home the entire day, therefore the sleep was sound and deep. 

Well, here we we are!!! An hour before yet another change of date.. I have finished 20 episodes of NewMoon. I think there are only 6 left. The girl looks cute. Her character is quite motherly and attractive. Kids adore her and adults find comfort in her. 

11:06

I keep the brightness level of my phone the dimmest to avoid harming my eyes. If any day it remains even a little bit brighter, it surely gets noticable by the strain it has upon eyes. 

There is this title track of  'Mere Humsafar' - that's going on in my head. It goes like ... 'Poocho na poocho na poocho na hum sataye huye hain...'

11:08

We must play something as well. But then I may pass out here itself. So sleepy I feel still, specially after burger. 

11:11

Woah! Time for success, love, chariot, wheel of fortune, Sun, joy... Time for my own cafe. For my successfully published books. 

11:15

All my dates with time began for I wanted to vent out and flow and write my stream of consciousness without any second thought. That was the original purpose of these blogs - to simply write anything and everything that comes to mind. Yet, after listening to all my past blogs, this time I am way concious. Often that I double think about writing something. Or be silent for minutes, being like - I will write only when I will have something good enough to say. 

Although, often times I still flow. Yet sometimes, I have to stop this urge to type random unnecessary things like my commentry upon what am I speaking, in how much amount - like just now. Ha ha!

11:18

There's a super adorable kid in FullMoon. He has curly hair and immensely lovable energy. He is cute. Has great acting skills. Totally makes anyone fall in love with his naughtiness. The kid calls the chef (female protagonist) as his friend and loves her too much. Their chemistry reminds me of Shree. 

And Jaan even if in a new role here, yet he has such a way with getting adoration. Like there was a scene where he fell sick. His tantrums also seemed adorable. But much more than acting, it was this Change of tone that he got in his usual icy way of conduct - a tone of a kid spoiled with love - demanding attention. Like a hint of it. In the perfect amount to make one fall in love with him instantly. Like Bru gold or filter coffee. 

11:22

Let's play music. 

'Mi persona favorita' 

Ooooh! Do you know the next song? 

'Aigiri Nandini'

It's extremely powerful. Touches me. 

A strange thing happened with me this morning. So there are two dogs towards  the other side of my own building. I had met with them when they were puppies. This morning they began to bark and call me - rising from their wall. I went to meet them with love. They were wagging their tales and all. And were super excited to meet me. I too got filled with love. And therefore went a step ahead to meet them further upon their own terrace. All of sudden they began to bark on me. Both of them. Like they were wagging their tales, at the same time barking on me. Their human chained them suddenly. One of them was literally about to bite me while barking. I failed to understand why. All dogs love me. Literally all! And yes, me being down could have been a reason. But that too generally attracts dogs. None barks on me like that. It was weird. Who knows what they smelled. Or maybe they minded me being on their terrace. Who knows! I do know that it's not necessary that everyone likes you. I don't even try to do that. It does disturb me however when it comes to dogs. For I am super connected to them. Long back in my childhood I had dog-phobia. Once I got over it, I have been the most connected to them. I understand them and can even interact with them through telepathy. So it shocks me if any dog barks on me. 

11:41

Sorry if you got bored today. I just don't have much to speak about. Let's try Haikus. 

MATCH MAKING

IS A DIVINE' DOING

HAPPENS FROM WITHIN

YOU BE BUT A MEDIUM

IN THE MEETING OF TWO SOULS. 

ha ha. Why I wrote about it? Because I tried fixing a friend I had made in Pushkar to someone today. She is two years elder than me and back then I had felt it from within to be a medium here. I generally don't get into any such things. But here it is cosmic designed. I hope it works for her. 

11:44

'I wanna somebody to sleep with me

Come and say to me

You are safe with me'

11:45

Today , my mind is showing me various spots in Pushkar. The main market area - Varah ghat, the surrounding mountains, temples, people, lanes, pohe, maalpuye, Pushkaraj...so on..

11:52

I feel bored today. No idea in my head. No memory. No fascination. Just here. In now. 

Alright yo. Will catch you tomorrow. Hopefully with better things to talk about. Let's just share silence for now. 

'Je raabi vich paani koi nai

Te apni kahani koi nai

Je sang beliya koi nai

Te kisi nu sunai koi nai'

Good night my love

See you tomorrow

Love you 

Mmmmuuuuaaahhh 

..............

25.06.22

Hey my love... My darling 11 PM. Welcome! How are you my love? I just had my favourite arhar daal and right now standing before a wall to jump across and reach our spot. Just give me a minute to reach our own spot. 

Alright yo! Here we are, upon our meeting point, with an airplane passing by - the usual. 

Can you imagine ... Just 5 more days of our meets are left. I don't know how you felt about meeting me. I don't even listen to our meetups any more. And each year my dates with time or life are getting a bit boring. Yet I never lose hope. Always believe in something extraordinary (in a good night way), something magical - waiting just around the corner. 

Would you like to have some cold coffee? Anyway the weather is extremely hot! Let's chill for a bit. 

11:05

Ooooh! A single sip and I got overwhelmed. A thick chilled taste of an extremely yum cold coffee. As if I just entered the with-ins of Eclairs. 

Oh, today I realised that FullMoon series has rather 80 episodes, not 26 like I had assumed. I have reached on 34th. Doesn't really add anything of value to my time or energy. Yet am consuming on - just like food. 

Dabba ban gyi hoon mai bhi. 

And am not even a fan of cooking. Yet am watching a series with female protagonist who is a chef. Yet one thing that I like in these Turkish series - is how empowered they show their women to be. Even though the base line is always biased with a rich, educated male lead and a struggling female. .. yet all the women are shown to be doing something or other with their life. They all try to be better by experimenting with new business ideas or contributing in the firm as per their roles. 

11:11

'Lights will guide you home'

Cheers to love, abundance, success, my own cafe, my successfully published books, my well distributed songs, a dog shelter! 

Aah! Cheers and gratitude for that.

11:16

Delhi's temprature has risen up again. I think it would be high for two-three days more. Post which, monsoons are predicted. These days, I get hot and cold shivers. Like all of sudden I feel extremely hot, anxious, sweaty and all of sudden that I feel cold, chilly, and even fan's air seems to much at that time. Weird know! 

Oh, the coffee is superb. Can't have enough of it. 

11:19

I feel so empty and hollow these days that nothing perturbes me thankfully. Have accepted and moved on from any and all my past. Have surrendered even my dreams and wishes to the cosmos. Have no extreme emotions left for any past, present or future. And life has become quite boring yet peaceful. 

I think now I need a change! Only this time, I want it to be more stable and lasting. This time, it's long term that am thinking about. 

You have no idea how sleepy I was/still am today. I controlled my sleep today big time by simply not sleeping or even using an alarm to get up in only an hour long sleep. And for ke, waking up with an alarm is not really waking up at all. I get up only when my body wakes up on its own. If I use an alarm, then even after an hour of I waking up, I still don't feel awake. I remain in a semi dazed state. In such semi dazed state that I met two of my neighbourhood girls today when I was going to the market, right after getting up. And they were so glad and happy to see me, talking to me with such excitement; and I just could share as much love or twinkles in the eyes ; for one I was still not in my senses and secondly, I go out so rarely in Delhi that I sometimes even forget basic human interaction. I did talk.  Just not my best. Yet it felt good to go interact and simply walk on and do things in that state - as if sleep walking or running errands in a dream. 

11:33

A song is going on and on in my head. It's called 'Riha' by Anuv Jain. 

'aaye nahi

Ik baar jinke they waade...

....ya hafton pehle ki hai ye daastaan'

I don't remember the lyrics but yeah, the song is great.

Let's play music though. Too boring otherwise. 

Have played 'Soulful blend' - a playlist on Spotify. Such peaceful music. 

And suddenly I am craving to be in a wooden cottage with fire lit. 

Pines on a chilly night. Moon lighting up the mounts. 

'I will be the one to hold you

In my arms

After all....'

Huh! Who? Who know? 

You for sure my Jal. And you dear Time - my mahakaal. My Shiva. 

'I know in my heart and mind

That no matter what comes and may

Love will survive'

My mood and spirit go along with the weather I guess. Also the energies around, the city affect it. Yet most importantly, it's what within - that must make up a person's vibe. 

11:40

But I am simply sleepy today. What say? Wanna lie by me and sleep beside cupping me from behind, becoming a concave for my concave - like two Moons fitted together. 

Or let's maybe go for a long brish walk, talk about the world, be spontaneous. Yeah! That would be way better. Would love to move. Need it. 

'Will I have to wait forever? 

Will I have to suffer the whole night through? 

When will I see you again? 

When will our hearts be together? 

Are we in love or just friends? 

Is this my beginning?

Or is this just end?'

Well, it goes on for us know. 

To my future self - be at peace. Remember, you are loved. Specially by your own past self. Remember this comfort, this being carefree. Remember this magical self to create magic in your world. 

To time, thank you and love you for being so divine. Stay peaceful and graceful - the way you be. 

To 11, these are maybe the most peaceful 11 PM hours that are going on for me. So distance from any noise of 3D. 

To Jal, I love you. Remember our orgasmic sessions and everything that we together create. Remember this chemistry, this touch and our intimacy. 

To the sky, you seem bleak, yet so much at peace. Remember this peace that you offer, this touch of familiarity, this transcendence, this feeling so otherworldly. 

We are all on cloud 11. A dream world turned real. Where past, present, future - together stand - hand in hand. 

'Born in a world

Where love survives'

'I am wishing on a star

To follow where you are

I am wishing all the dreams

To follow what it means

And I am wishing on the rainbows

That I have seen

And I am wishing on the people

Whome I have seen...

So far away from me. 

Just think of all the moments 

That we have spent'

11:51

To an unknown lover yet to come.... You are lucky to be here and feel love in this journey. 

To a future opportunity, it's goona be crazy successful. Time to spread all cards and together build. 

11:53

Oh, I am sneezing suddenly and insanely. What's happening? 

11:54

I had not expected myself to express that much. Seems we have finally stepped into the vortex of a brighter future. Seems we are no more stepping into tiny holes of nostalgia. 

'The path I take is your direction

Coz I know with you

I can go on'

A few tiny stars, hope! What a way to be. 

Welcome 12! Hope you are well. We are simply relaxing and chilling tonight. Come. Join us! 

'When I make love to you

I feel like I am in Paradise'

This song is too mellow. 'Paradise' word reminded me of ...

'Para..para.. Paradise'

Ha ha 

Also images of Pushkar keep flashing into my head. I don't know why. Specially the Sunsets.

And anytime I feel disturbed, I just imagine myself to be taking a dip in Pushkarraj with all noises of the world blocked with my ears and body in water. And I listen to my own breath - underwater. With only my eyes, nose and lips outside. Oh, even imagination is divine. The miracle it used to be - each and every dil in there. 

I wish I had felt it earlier. Then I wouldn't have wasted my entire first month and had rather taken numerous baths even then. 

I had given my head a wash today. So it feels epic to just run my fingers through my own soft hair and it feels fresh. Also, a little bit erotic somehow. 

12:06

Alright my love... Catch you tomorrow. 

'On my own 

Once again

One more time

By myself'

Love you.... 

Mmmmmuuuuuaaahhhh 

.................

26.06.22

Yo eleven. Am one minute late. Still in my room. Give me some time. Still got to change and go upstairs to reach our spot. Just a moment.

11:06

Alright yo! Have reached. It's such a breezy night. And I just had chole Puri. Here I have cold coffee with me. Woke up just half an hour back - so still a bit hazy. I passed out this noon after meditation and then woke up at night. It gets unbelievable sometimes - the capacity I have to sleep or not sleep. 

11:08

So what should we do today? Wanna listen to music? Let's play something..

Yo! Have played a new playlist on Jio. Some romantic playlist. It feels a bit boring though today. I mean romantic lyrics. 

11:11

Dreams turned real - manifested into abundance, material, the best for all, with love, righteousness, success. 

11:16

So where should we go today? 

To a beach maybe? 

'Tu hi meri shab hai

Subah hai

Tu hi din hai mera

Tu hi mera rab hai,

Jahan hai

Tu hi meri duniya'

Sweet! Let's run on a sandy shore and jump in the swirling mild transparent waves. Let's have beers with fresh coconuts and dance together. Let's watch the shadows of distant trees and shores dancing upon the mirrory surface of the ocean. 

I prefer oceans over seas. They seem more gigantic and cover countries. 

'Ankhon se bad ke tujhe

Dil pe Maine likha 

Tu ban gya hai mere

Jeene ki ik wajah'

I have been missing L for two days. It's just that he was the last energy I had got connected to. 

'Teri hasi, teri Ada

Auron se hai 

Bilkul juda'

Though there is no present or future with him. There was hardly any past as well. Yet, I do miss him. 

'Ankhein Teri shabnami

Chehra tera Aina

Tu hai udaasi bhari

Koi haseen dastaan'

One day, I would want to have a cool partner. Like Jaan. A man of principles. Lighthearted, adventures, unique. Someone who would know how to connect to anyone yet be choosy. A rational person who would be caring and loving. A sensible guy with whom I would simply vibe. Someone to talk sense with, to share poems with, to make music together, to have crazy love sessions, to travel alongside, to have a life together with. 

11:22

Cold coffee is super yum and creamy.

'Kabhi jo badal barse

Mai dekhun tujhe ankhein bhar ke

Tu lage mujhe pehli barish ki dua'

Pta hai, there is a bird found in the desert areas, who stays thirsty and only consumes the first drop of the rain. She is considered an epitome of waiting patiently for her love - the first drop of the rain. 

The weather is super awesome today. Even the trees with all their leaves are dancing. 

11:26

'Ya toh barbaad kar do 

Ya fir abaad kar do

Wo galat tha 

Ye sahi hai

Jhooth ye aaj keh do

Itna ehsaan kar do

Poore armaan kar do

Lab pe aa kar 

Jo ruke hain

Dhaai wo arf keh do'

Oh, this song reminds me of a friend in Pulga. This one was his favourite song right before he opened his own cafe in Pulga, Himachal Pradesh. Anytime I listen to this song, I remember him and his drive to have his own cafe finally. His dream did come true. Himachal blessed him with his wish. And that inspires me as well. 

'khwabon ko jagah na mili ankhon mein 

Wahan pehle se hi sailab tha

Nagme banata fira Sazon pe

Dil apna faqat mizraab tha

Meri be Jaan hasraton ko

Kabiledaar ka do

Meri sanson se Judi hai

Teri har saans keh do'

Oh, what lyrics! Beautiful. 

The weather is really nice tonight. Am dressed in all black. A black skin hugging top with a black Capri. I generally prefer to wear white any day. But back in college and even while traveling I had this huge collection of black tee shirts. Also many other colors. But black was prominent. Now, white remains prominent. 

'Tanabana tanabana 

Bunti hawa

Boondein bhi toh aein nahin

Baaz yahan 

Saazish mei shaamil 

Saara Jahan hai

Har zarre zarre ki 

Ye iltija hai 

O re Piya!'

Oh, this remains one of my favorite songs. Just love it. 

11:39

I feel a bit aroused. A sensuous touch of breeze maybe the cause. 

'surkhiyan hai hawaon mein

Do dilon ke milne ki

Arziyan hain nazaron mein

Lamha ye tham jaane ki'

Major missing mountains - the freshness of greens, the wandering in the forest, that feeling of being a dot in front of gigantic cliffs and trees, that bathing in the passion of the river. 

'dekha hazaron baar aapko

Fir bekarari kaisi hai

Sambhale samjalta nahi ye dil 

Kuch aap mein baat aisi hai'. 

I really love nature. 

'Pal bhar na doori sahe aap se 

Betabiyan ye kuch aur hain

Hum door ho ke 

Bhi paas hain

Nazdeekiyan ye kaisi hain'

That's the power of music. Can make stones melt. Can turn a barren land into a patch of fresh greens. Oh, I feel love - for nature, for cosmos, for life itself. 

The spirit inside wishes to run wild. 

'Ankhein aapki raas aa gyin 

Ab hum yahan se 

Jayein kahan'

These trees seem my own. So does the breeze. This time is my time. So is the freeze. Will flow again. Will rain again. In my now, holding my breath. 

'Tum ko paaya hai toh jaise khoya

Kehna chahun bhi toh tum se kya kahun

Kisi zabaan mei bhi

Wo labz hi nahi 

Ki jin mei tum ho kya 

Tumhe bata sakun'

Tonight is No moon night I guess. The moon gets as powerful as a full moon. Except the energies are different. On No moon, the shadow self gets prominent. Yet, if one becomes friends with it, life turns even better. For Full moon and No moon together complete a picture. 

'Tum huye meherbaan 

Toh hai ye daastaan

Ab tumhara Mera 

Ek hai kaarwaan 

Tum jahan mai wahan'

11:51

My skin is really glowing these days. Face looks way smooth and cheeks are quite flushed. For am having proper diet with ample amount of rest these days. 

'Aaj fir tum pe 

Pyaar aaya hai

Behad aur beshumaar aaya hai'

'Toote toh toote 

Teri bahon mei toote 

Jaise shakhon se patte 

Behaya'

11:53

Aah! Just let me be in your arms. Let me kiss your every pore. Let me love you night long. 

'Tu hi meri awaaragi 

Tu hi dua

Har shaam ki

Tu khamakha

Tu laazmi 

Tu hi Raza 

Tu hi kami 

Aur tu hi wo firaaq hai jisko

Hai silsilo ne 

Mere paas laaya'

I miss travel. 

My cold coffee has become warm. Ice cubes are long gone. 

'Ye ratein, ye mausam,

Nadi ka kinara,

Ye chanchal hawa,

Kaha do dilon ne

Ki mil kar ke dono

Na honge juda'

L's memory. Also miss Himachal with this. Miss myself in Himachal. 

11:57

I didn't even realise today, how almost an hour passed. 

'sitaron ki mehfil ne kar ke ishara

Kaha ab toh Sara Jahan hai tumhara

Mohabbat jawan ho

Khula asmaan ho

Kare koi dil 

Aarzoo aur kya'

I must be seeming like a jukebox today to you know. Just enjoying the lyrics. So can you. Ha ha. 

'Tumhe dil diya hai

Ye waada kiya hai

Sanam mai tumhari 

Rahungi sada'

My love. My 11. So few days left of our meet ups. I don't know if I did justice to our connection or not. One can meet with the other only till the depth one has met himself or herself. 

Yo 12! Welcome. 

'Aapki ankhon mei kuch 

Mehke huye se

Raaz hain

Aap se bhi khoobsurat 

Aapke andaaz hain'

Enjoy the romance and love in air today. We are just listening to love and feeling it with breeze, night sky and good music. 

'Zara si dil mei de jagah tu

Zara sa apna le bna

Zara sa khwabon mei basa tu

Zara sa yadon mei jaga 

Mai chahun tujh ko

Meri Jaan bepanah'

Suddenly I remembered one show where I had participated long back in my teenage. It was a dating show. Fused with reality but mostly scripted. I had seen the turn of heart back then. Even if I had to face a lot due to it but today I just remembered how a simple good gesture of mine had turned that guy's mind by the end and it saved my face in the world. Else, the show people had left not stone unturned to really defame me just for their TRP.

12:10

'Dil mera hai nasamajh kitna

Besabr ye bewakoof bada

Chahta hai kitna tujhe 

Khud magar nahi jaan saka

Is darde dil ki sifarish 

Ab kar de koi yahan 

Ki mil jaye isey wo barish 

Jo bhiga de poori tarah'

Oh! I have heard this song after years maybe. It was core love long back. Thank you Jio for reminding me of this one. Oh, it's love. It has no memory. Don't even remember when I used to listen to it. But I loved it. Without any memory. It's rare when I don't have a song attached with any memory. 

12:12

Oh, let's just live this song. 

Dear cosmos, you must have a grand plan for me know. No matter it's career, love or life. I have faith in you. 

Wo baarish jo bhiga de poori tarah. 

I don't like anything less. Has to be hundred percent. 

12:15

'Pyaar manga hai tum hi se

Mujhe pyaar karo'

My love! Will see you tomorrow. 

Mmmmuuuuuaaah 

Leaving you waltzing with you. One step ahead with yours alongside. In your arms - surrender divine. 

'Tujhe paane ka junoon

Is kadar hai 

Tere khwabon se bhari 

Ye Nazar hai'

Love you. 

Good night. 

'Zara dheere se mere paas ho

Tumhe kitna pyaar hai 

Ye btao

Mujhe pyaar karo'

Mmmuuuuaaah 

................

27.06.22

Hey my love! My darling 11 PM. How are you? To imagine it's almost a month of our dates and I still each day call you AM in head and write PM instead. Am still in my room. Yet to change. Have made coffee though. Well, I have woken up just 15 minutes back exactly, so still not totally hazed. Just unable to get that speed or zeal to do everything and reach upstairs. We can meet up here itself as well today. For the bed is super comfy and I feel way relaxed with my spine straight body relaxed, one leg over another, a super thin middy and even thinner shorts. All I need is you on me and it can be a heavenly moment. Do you know am wearing nothing underneath this! 

Ha ha! Media has changed my lingo and ideas. Though the major thing that's going on in my head is scenes and music from FullMoon. I have watched 66 episodes of it in 2-3 days. Oh, I had watched the first episode out of curiosity and had full plans of not beginning yet another series. But then, it went on and now I am only a few episodes from completing it. If only, I was as determined while pursuing my goals and ambitions. There I just get bored and leave so many things mid way. 

Anyway,let me quickly change and then we would go upstairs

 Else, I would pass out again. I was also considering taking a shower just now and welcoming you underwater directly today. You would have been surprised know. As if someone suddenly pulled you inside a shower or a pool.

But then I just didn't do it. 

Ok .. few minutes then and we would go to our spot after it. Tonight we can have as much time as want. 

11:16

Alright yo my love! Have reached at our spot. Am having a splitting headache all of sudden don't know why. Maybe because of the sudden change in temprature. 

Care for a coffee? Let's! 

Off!!! Coffee is epic. 

And I just sneezed which took away all my pain. Lol! 

All though the air is hot, but it's quite breezy and windy today. So it feels fine. There's a brown cat also accompanying us tonight. See, write upon our wall. She sometimes visits us but usually remains on the terrace beside or across. Today she has decided to be right here. Just, she is facing the opposite direction..

There is another white cat in my society. She even lets me pat her. So I like her and her gestures. Am more of a dog person though, because with dogs I can connect more. And cats scare me tiny bit with their unpredictablity. Like you may love them and they may love you to the fullest and still they can simy scratch you or bite you - just for fun and that annoys me. Like dude! Wtf bro! Just a moment ago you wanted me to pamper you and the very next moment my hand seems like a teething toh to you. Weird! 

11:22

To imagine. The breeze is running like time tonight! 

In three days, it won't only be our last date together, but I would also have completed two months of my stay here in Delhi. Oh, I have not attained any of the things I had really wanted. Have neither sent my book to any publishing house, nor have fixed up a job for time being. I haven't even decided upon my future course of action. Or Cosmos, please help me choose the right way and help me take the right action towards success, growth, abundance, independence, greater good! 

OMG! Am just sneezing all of sudden - uncontrollably! 

Don't know oopar atey hi kya hua! 

Wanna share a smoke? Let's!

11:34

Oh, did I tell you, I had made white sauce pasta today? Had it in two serves. Still a portion is left - just the boiled macaroni part. Will fuse the last portion with veggies and tomato sauce. The female protagonist (Nazli) in FullMoon is a chef. Today while baking cakes she said that cakes remind me of all the happy memories and therefore baking a cake is not merely baking a dish, it's instead remembering all your happy memories and turn them into a new cherishable moment. She said that cakes bring joy even when they are broken. For people smash it on others' faces and still derive happiness. And each has a different version of cake in their heads. I realised that even if my favourite cake is chocolate truffle, but the cake that strikes my head the first on closing my eyes is a plain white cake with a cherry on top. Maybe I like Vannilla cake the most. 

Another thing Nazli said today is that special ingredient is never in the recipe. It's instead in the technique of making anything. That one must consider any dish as a beloved or a love relationship. It should neither be cooked on high flame for that would burn the dish and not cook it properly, nor cook it at slow flame throughout - for that would be super slow and won't get the right flavour. It's a medium flame with a fusion of high and slow as required is needed. And lots of love while making anything. 

And I learned a lesson today from the same series. When Farid (Jaan/Can/Hero) went along with Nazli for a face to face with the villian, Farid told him, 'None should be jealous of any other. Each has his own path and everyone must car e their own path with their own hard work and destiny.' It was good to hear it out loud. It stayed in my system. 

I am watching this series in Urdu dubbed voices and won't deny that I really love to listen to Urdu. It has a class and texture about it. Everytime anyone meets anyone, they say, 'Khushaamadeed' and the other no matter in which state of mind, always says 'Aapka shukriya' with a smile.. My Urdu vocab is also getting enriched. And there is a cute kid in the cast. his character's name is Balut. Oh, he is super cute and such an actor. One just falls in love with the child by the first look of him. And he reminds me so much of kids being more connected to some higher power. For he becomes the medium of all happy things or God's ways of saving the righteous one. Even if its scripted and just a show; but isn't out life also written and directed by some higher power. And kids seriously play similar roles even in real life. 

11:47

Ooh! Time is simply running tonight. And I haven't even plugged any music. 

11:49

I was thinking of ice cream while sipping upon my hot coffee and it became such a contrast to me senses. Ha ha.

Let's listen to some music. What say? Let's. 

 

11:53

Alright yo! We even have music now. 

'I can feel the magic floating in the air

Begin with you kiss me that way

I watch the sun like dance across your face

And I've

Never been this swept away

All my thoughts just seem to sat alone on the beach 

When I lie wrapped up in your arms

The whole world just swept away

And I hear 

The feeling of your breath'

Sweet lyrics! 

Oh my darling eleven. We spent almost a month together. I have seriously been the most consistent with you. Honestly. 100 percent attendance is impossible. Lol. We did it. Also, have been less naive. A bit more stable. Realist also in an imaginary world. 

'baby is it how love 

Is supposed to feel?'

Aah! My cloud Eleven! 

'Come and feel the touch

Slow and steady rush

Baby, is that the way Love

Is supposed to feel

I can feel you breath

Just breath!'

Will you miss me post it? You can cherish us and visit us anyday. Meanwhile be a lighthouse and cards of lovers for anyone seeking it. Be a consistent friend, a hope of love, a lent out, a genuine connection for anyone up for it. 

Yo 12! Welcome! 

How are you dear? 

An everyday for us. Another flight passing by. 

'Baby I am the kind of man 

Who shows concern

Anyway that I can please you 

Let me learn 

I wanna know 

What turns you on!'

Ha ha! Reminds me of a guy in Pushkar who wanted me to tell him what pleases me. It just was weird. He was over talkative in the brief-most intimate moments and seemed just body focussed instead of my soul. Often he offered himself, ready to do anything to please me. It was weird! Lol! If only people knew how much more they can really have and how little that they believe they deserve and sell themselves for so less. If only he knew I was way more genuine and was not a foreigner chick merely seeking entertainment. That I don't use people for their bodies and instead connect to their heart and soul. 

But people living on porn won't understand the value of a true authentic passionate connection. 

'Maybe it's intuition

But some things you can't question

I see my future in an instant

And I see in you

My best friend'

Nothing superficial ever satisfies me. And I too being a girl sometimes feel like being in love and getting intimate with a beloved but I just fail to connect to any other at that level anymore. And despite of numerous ready to do anything for me, I just feel them less deserving or just feel it to be dishonest to simy treat people for their body and that doesn't even please me. For me, mind, body and soul - all three are essential to connect to anyone at that level. And the connection must be genuine, authentic, honest, light, without drama, and romantic. 

I am a romantic at heart, though cheesy or mushy is not at all me.

'Baby when you touch me

I can feel how much you love me

And it just blows me away

I have never been this close

To anyone, or anything.

I don't know what you do

I am so in love with you

It just keeps getting better'

12:16

In my utopia, I travel alongside my partner round the world, go on crazy adventures, explore the world, make music together, get into insane love making, do creative projects together, make a lot of money with our creative endeavours. I am a 'Fankaar'/artist and that's the kind of partner I seek! 

HASRATEIN LAAKH HAIN MANN MEIN

UMMEDEI KIRAN SIRF EK

ISHQ SE SOORKH LAHU MEIN

SAHIL KI UMADTI LEHRON MEIN

KASHTI UTAAR JAUN 

SOOB JAUN, TARR JAUN

DEEDAR KAR JAUN

IQRAAR KAR JAUN

HADEIN PAAR KAR JAUN

TOOFAN BAN JAUN

ISHQ MEI KHUD FANAA HO JAUN

ISHQ MEIN TUJHKO FANAA KAR JAUN 

Haha! Crazy! Just wanted to use few Urdu words. Did you like my poem love? 

12:25

The music genre has turned to blues and I am loving it.

'I keep on falling 

in and out

Of love with you

I have never 

loved someone

Without I 

loving you'

Coffee is lukewarm tonight. So is my state of mind. Mellow! Mild! Still semi dazed! Yet I am talking on. Strange - your affect on me. 

12:30

'Its something 

You really

You really want'

Ha ha! This song has such thumping beats that my base is thumping on as if making love. 

I didn't like the song though. Would have changed at the first go. But beats are good. That's it. 

12:32

Wanna hop on one of these flights and move to Turkey with me? Oh, I find the people there so attractive, as if my own clan. I am sure I have a past life connection with Turkey for sure! 

Alright my loves! I still feel sleepy. Though won't be sleeping till tomorrow, am sure. 

Loads of love for you! 

Good night! 

Mmmmmuuuuuaaahhhh 

............

28.06.22

Hey my dear 11 AM. Welcome! Just give me a second. Am on the way to our spot. Let me hop over two walls and then we would be free to meet. 

11:02

Alright yo! 

Here we are. Together! I have just had a bath a few minutes back, so I feel fresh. Also am wearing white musk as perfume, and with each passing moment, it's getting more and more fused with my own body's aroma and becoming further prominent with the passing of breeze. 

Today again, the moment I have reached on this terrace that I feel a sudden intense headache. Maybe it happens because of extreme change in temprature.

Two more days of our meets left my love. Won't you miss us? I would for sure!  

11:05

So wanna listen to music? 

By the way, I covered 'Jee le Zara' this morning. Honestly, as soon as I woke up. For I was home alone and I just felt like covering it. 

Ooh! The hot coffee is super yum. Am having white sugar in it after two months. We use brown sugar at home and its way yummier and compariyively healthier. Yet, for change, today, even white sugar tastes good. 

Let's play some music yo! 

Have played 'Mi persona favorita'. 

Oh! This one is core love. 

11:12

Woah! Both the elements! 

Coffee is seriously yum! Bhai has gone out of Delhi for few days for a trip. I miss him when he is not here. But when he is here we fight a lot. Weird this Bhai behn connection. 

Oh, I had a long chat with Shree finally. He is suffering with water issues at his school. I feel like carrying water myself for him. My cutie friend/bro/batuk bhairav - remains thirsty and I feel bad for him. Wish something could have been done about it. Why don't his school authorities take it seriously. Imagine above 40 degrees of temprature and no water. So hard. He does carry water but fails to retain it for such long hours. He must learn managing in limited resources. One learns it with experience. 

11:16

Oh,this afternoon, I had to take a bath and then sleep. But after lunch, I felt so sleepy all of sudden as if I had consumed some sleeping pill or something. I just passed out and woke up only an hour back. These days, while sleeping I sometimes wake up after listening to sudden yells in my head or ears. A sudden yell and I get up and then there is none around. I know those are voices in my own head. But they are getting weird. It began with some puch kind of sound - like a ketchup bottle sudden pressed and the content coming out. Now it has become a yell. It's so sudden and small that I don't even understand it. I initially considered it as an issue in my ear but now it has become a yell - surely that can't be just an infection. God knows what is it! 

Tonight I will be watching some movie. I left Full Moon series after 70 episodes because there is no Urdu dubbing available for the rest of episodes and itni bhi achi series nai hai ki baith kar,poora dimaag laga kar, Turkish sounds ke saath English subtitles dekhe jayein. Not worth it. Was watching it to escape my reality and just have a light time. Not worth all my attention. 

And I won't begin any new series. It wastes a lot of my time. 

11:22

Quite hot here. 

'you are the sunshine

Of my life 

That's why I always stay around'

I have been thinking a lot about M today. Don't know why. And this song 'Mai nai jaana, khedeyaan de naal' again reminds me of him.

'Na bhej na maaye mujhko

Mai nai jaana mai nai jaana'

I used to imagine all sorts of things about his life and try to understand him through his choice of songs while singing. It's true - a playlist does reveal a lot about a person. And I always loved his choice of music. Music was out major binding element. Deep inside, something still sometimes waits for him to realise and come back to me. Though I would deny. That's sure! For I have understood that he is not right for me. 

'Ik Teri khair mangdi

Mai manga na kuch aur

Ik Teri khair mangdi

Na toote dil ki dor

Ik Teri khair mangdi

Ab koi chale na zor

Ik Teri khair mangdi 

Mai'

11:30 

Music completes me, my sentences, my emotions. 

And here, another M's reminder. 

Kya ho gya hai aaj Spotify ko? 

'Tainu mere bina kisi naal vekh ke

O Jann royi jaaya mera haal vekh ke

...

Kadey is full tey kadi uss full tey

Yaar mera titliyan vargah!'

Ha ha! 

Why?

11:33

Aah! Few connections just remain as a part of your existence. No matter how much you move on, what all you may do. 

'Tu jadun Hoya mere kola door soniya

Mai jab royasutta re sindoor soniya'

Ha ha! Forgive my Punjabi. Hardly know it. 

Papa sent a Sindhi video this morning and I was amazed to notice that I was understanding it completely. I may not speak Sindhi that wel but I know that I can manage if I ever get struck in a Sindhi Province.  But I can understand it completely. That's also good know. 

I don't remember the vocab on my own but when it's used, I understand it. Like 'ghurri' means to bring or ask. After all I am Sindhi. 

Back in Bangalore, I had even acquired a bit of Kannada. Had I stayed on for longer, I would have excelled even in that language. I find Kannada really sweet as a language. People orate it with love. If I have to go buy something, I can use the name of the item with the word 'kudi'. Like 'Anna Dairy milk kudi'. Anna menas elder brother. Kudi means give. And there's a phrase I always remember 'Nanu ninna Preeti stiti deeni' - this means 'I love you'. I always say it out to my bestie still, everytime I call her for she is half Kannadigan, half Telgait. 

11:45

Can knows five to six languages including Turkish, Italian, Spanish and two three more. Must be awesome know to master several languages. I seriously believe that every language opens new doors. A language is not just a medium of conversation, it rather represents an entire culture, the topography, herbs, dishes, traditions - everything. And when you learn a new language, you enter a new culture and travel through its history of evolution. 

I also had learned a bit of French back in college time. But I don't remember much about it except basic salutation like - 'Camotale vous?' 'Ja vein Bien. Merci'. Or, 'Tutapel camo?' 'Jamapel Surbhi'. Etc. Even here, I must be wrong at the spelling. 

11:50

'Ishq tere ne humei yun tadpaya

Marr gye hum haay rabba

Sajni hoo Sajni hoo'

Am listening to this one after a long time. I prefer the other Sajni song by 'Jal band'.  'Mai Teri yadon mei rehta hoon' waala. I really adored Jal's songs back in my teenage. 

Oh, this evening while sleeping I even had a short dream where three fat people including a woman, all of sudden walked up to our spot - yeah this terrace. And even in my sleep that I got shocked and woke up for a bit. For none comes here at this time and I prefer it this way. Rather that's why this is our spot, because no other person comes here at our time.

Oh, have you heard Leo Rojas? He plays flute in rainy pastures. And I find his music so refreshing. 

Right now 'Return to innocence' is getting played. It's by Enigma. Reminds me of mountains. 

'Thats not the beginning 

of the end

That retune to your self

The return to innocence'

11:55

Aah! Breeze! Such a relief. 

Another musician whose music I admire is Estas tonne. His songs are instrumental. No lyrics. And his signature is an incense stick that he lights on a side of his guitar. And then he plays on - takes one to a ride of numerous waves of highs and lows..

'Ek bhi saans alag nahi Leni

Khainch le na praan se tann ke

Haay

Nai rehna dooja ban ke'

11:58

Aah! Time is flowing by. We literally passed an entire month talking about so many things. And I still don't feel that we reached any depths to be honest. Am I really living just at the surface. Or have I become so empty? Do I have nothing much to share or do I want to avoid feeling as much any more? I don't know. I do know that usually I feel way strongly and share more ardently. Why did we just remain upon the surface? Or maybe all that past depth doesn't affect me that much any more. Who knows?

Yo 12! Welcome! Sup? How are you dearie? 

'Maala mei aa tujh ko piron lun tujhe 

Pehnu sajah 

Honthon pe aa sargam sa bolun tujhe 

Rat lun sajan'

Let's chill! For way more than passion, I feel a comforting chilled out connect in our case dear 11 and 12. 

'Hai teri chahat

Meri zarurat

Sooni hai tujh bin

Duniya meri'

May be these are the best kind of bonds - light hearted. Where you may speak about anything yet to try to make it positive. And avoid unnecessary turmoil and instead prefer to have good time together. Who knows? We did share about numerous connections of my life, my adventures, my day to day life. I don't know how much of value it added on to your life. But hey! It did ensure us being together. 

Often that I find most of the conversations as useless. But I do understand the value of it. 

12:09

'Gravity is working against me

And gravity

Wants to bring me down

Oh, I'll never know 

What makes this man

With all the love

That this heart can't stand

Dream of ways 

To throw it all away'

I watched my travel vlogs of Sikkim and Tirthan this morning. I am really good at it. Seriously. I chance watched a vlog on Prime about Sikkim and found it supremely boring. Then I played my own and found it way more interesting. Nothing to compare as such. No pride too. After all those people could reach at a platform and mine is still merely a YouTube video..They must have reached millions of viewers and mine has max 30-40k views. Yet, I personally liked mine better. Lol! Self praise. Ha ha! Why not? 

12:12

Ooh! I like the double you! 

I think it's New moon Tonight. The other day when I had assumed it to be a no moon night, I found an extremely slim crescent moon the next morning. So am not sure. But it can be a new moon night. It's a great time for manifestations.

12:18

'Ye mausam milne ka hai

Foolon ke khilne ka hai

Aja re more Chanda

Aja re mere rasiya'

Oh, I danced on this one upon my own terrace one fine morning upon my own terrace - filled with a joy and love for sky and nature. 

I am missing Old Manali. Seriously. 

'Lehrati bal khaati 

Nadiyan bulaye

Koyal ki pihu pihu

Piya piya gaaye 

Aja re aja re

Dil mei sama ja re.

Kai naam, kai roop

Mere room rom mei jaage

Jag saara mujh ko

Bas apna apna laage'

12:21

Alright my love. Will see you tomorrow. Love you dher saara. And you do mean a lot to me. Regardless of what depth we reach. Remember, we meet with others only at the level that we are connected to ourselves. 

Good night yo! 

Love you. 

Mmmmuuuuaaah

A breezy kiss, a gentle dancing brush of lips.

'Megha barse rimjhim rimjhim'

Mmmmmuuuuuaaahhhh 

......................

29.02.22

Hey my love, my darling 11. Welcome! Oh, am extremely sleepy. Rather half awake. I passed out an hour back and just three minutes ago that Momsha woke me up. Thanks to her that we are meeting. Oh, but I still got to change, make coffee or else I may pass out here itself again. Had I been anywhere else in the world, and had it been on my own, I may have simply passed out again. But it's our second last date. And I don't want to pass it in sleeping. Can you imagine, it's 29th already. And it would be my birthday in two months. Though last birthday was so tragic that I have lost any and all zeal for my birthday in my life ever since. Yet, 29th remains special that's why.

Well, give me some time though. Even my pupils haven't opened up entirely for they are getting hurt as I am looking in the screen right after waking up.

Oh, this bed is comfy and room quite chilled. I have no energy to get up and go but still. We must I guess..

By the way, just now I was having a dream of I doing some art in the same house as my Nani. And my naani was sitting silently, not to disturb me, yet also excited about it my art. The house was on the ground floor and I was almost considering making the central hall as my new room, as it was available and my favourite part was the ease of entry and exit for it had a separate gate. Even my maternal uncles and Momsha had visited, and they had got super please to find Nani so excited and happy about my art.

Now you must wait! Let me change, prepare coffee and then we can go upstairs to our usual spot. Or we can remain here itself and maybe sleep again. Ha ha. But it's quite peaceful at home know. Not even a sound heard.. As if, just us! My eyes do hurt though. Maybe a few minutes of prep would rather be better. Alright, Let's! 

11:20

Aah! It took ten minutes but hey, isn't it worth it? I love everything about spontaneous things. Just check out the weather yo! It's perfect. Windy, and almost reaching rain. Oh, it's so thrilling. Though I spilled my coffee a bit in microwave for I was trying to do multiple things at the same time, but am super glad that am upstairs. 

Let's have a peaceful coffee in this adventurous weather. And oh my darling time, just stop for a bit like you do. Let's just be together in another dimension of togetherness. Our own world of magic. 

11:22

'Jee humein manzoor hai 

Aapka har faislaa'

This song is going on in my head for Momsha and I were singing it some time back. 

We even listened to knowledge session together and got into a healthy discussion. The topic was 'Desire'. According to Guruji, we have three kinds of powers - 'Desire', 'Knowledge' and 'Action'. 

Now desires are though considered as the prime reason for misery as per Buddha, but they are super significant as well. Because it's only because of desires that any and all action takes place in the world. Even God's name is Kameshwar. So every desire is like a love's desire - it can be anything - material, earthy or etherial desire. Yet every desire is basically a seed - a harbringer of next step of actions.

 Now there are three kinds of people. 1st, those who get whatever they wish for almost immediately - just with a thought or sometimes even without wishing. They are the luckiest. Second ones are those who do get their desires fulfilled but by the time they get them, they are already exhausted or no more desire that they they get. Third category is of those who simply keep on desiring yet their desires never come true. 

Now, each desire is like a wave, for no matter how huge or small, people often never really live any of their desires once they obtain them. Few desires do come true. Few don't. Things that matter a lot to us, we manifest them by identifying that close with our desires that we become them. And many don't come true no matter how much we try. 

When we do get our desires fulfilled, we turn happy - even if momentarily. And when our wishes don't come true, we get frustrated. 

Basically all desires are fundamentally based upon attaining joy or happiness. And frustration or jealousy or even anger happens when our desires don't get fulfilled. 

However, one must not become one's desire. 

Any desire is like a coat - and everyone should make it removable instead of wearing it as a skin. 

Right approch is to become a spectator and look at a desire without identifying with it. 

It is our desire and not us. 

And only when our mind is at peace and a bit detached from the outcome that we can manifest any desire to reality. An anxious mind or a mind disturbed with blockages of anxieties, fears or impatience urgency of results can never really bring anything to possibility. 

A gentle sense of peace is essential. Also, to live every tiny desire coming true and rather celebrate it - should be practiced. One must know that everything is pre written. That every desire also errupts in our hearts because of divine's wish. And out of numerous thoughts filled with emotions (desires), few do infact come true - those that are essential for our paths and that strike out minds again and again, till the time we take steps towards it and begin to live them. 

Yet patience is crucial for any desire to be manifested. We can't expect mangoes the next day of sowing a mango tree. Our task is to dream and keep nourishing those dreams and on right time, cosmos does bless us with what we deserve and desire. Even sooner, if we are calm inside, understand that each is a mere desire and not us, let every desire fruit and come to us instead of running behind it, believe in it with faith in our own destiny and cosmos and don't get frustrated when things don't turn out way. 

'Ji humein manzoor hai

Aapka har faislaa'

Aah! I almost gave you a lecture. Lol! It was a short synopsis though. I had decided there and then to tell you a bit about it. For we have hardly discussed any knowledge in our dates. Nor did we talk about anything of value. I don't really know what exactly we talk about really in past entire month. As if I have been numb. 

Haah! Who knows! 

11:38 

I also interacted with one of my old acquaintances today about my career in music. I want to be a vocalist and needed guidance in the same regard. He told me that I must tie up with studios around to get regular opportunities and also learn more about technicality. It felt good to talk to him. He has always been quite resourceful in his life. He always dreamed big. And it was surprising to find him now in creative field - producing his own movies and all. Long back he was a corporate shark making huge bucks with his own company. Also that he was a stuff dealer alongside. I had just met him a few times. We were not really that great friends, but I did know that he was quite resourceful in his approach. Though I always wonder, how does cosmos support those who don't mind even adding black to business. Rather any business is impossible if you go only white. And I do understand the need to embrace one's shadow side. But when it comes to business, I fail to apply it. I can't lie. I can't cheat. I can't be someone am not. Can't flatter. Can't please unnecessarily. 

There was only one time when I had considered selling stuff in Himachal. I didn't do it. But even the idea of selling some new acquaintances some stuff at a higher price than it's cost - made me so guilty that I even cried about it later on. I felt as if I was about to cheat people. Yet, that's how any business is done. But that wasn't my business. 

Anyway, this guy did offer me great advice. He was willing to share few contacts as well. But he never sent them across! At the time of our conversation I had turned quite hopeful. Also, I speak so less these days with anyone, that a conversation with a sensible guy seemed refreshing. 

11:46

Time for a tiny chill??? 

11:51

And you are running again haan! Why oh why? 

Soon I would be restarting my life. I have had enough of slumber. I think my task here is done. I had to heal my relationship at home, had to patch up things and had to heal myself as well. Plus, I wanted to be in hermit mode. And my home serves this mode the best. 

Soon, I would be making immense sudden changes in my life. It has been two months of waiting for the right oppertunity. Have even tried finding it on my own. You got to help me find it dear time. You know all my desires, my dreams, my wishes. You know me for years and all the changes that changed my perspectives. You know the highs and lows. And you know that I deserve the kind of life I wish for. 

11:55

Together, we would manifest the best of life. Together we would make our life worth it. 

Though I realised that few things are etched on my mind so deep that nothing I do is able to delete those impressions. Maybe time would help in healing those deep wounds. May be a few burns never leave their mark and remain upon skin forever. Who knows? 

Time would tell! 

11:57

Weather is super fine right now. Breeze is cold and comforting. Daytime these days is super hot. Glad that we reached rains without getting much affected by it. It's possibly after years that I spent entire summers experiencing summers. For past many years, I always used to be in Himachal at this time of year. But I also missed mangoes because of it. We got cherries and apricots but mangoes remain mangoes and this time, I had my fill of it. If I got Himachal next, I would get to enjoy cherries and apricots still and by August even Apples would be blooming. Aah! I miss Himachal. I hope I be able to go there and open my own cafe. It was my dream to be a cafe owner and a famous novelist by 30. In two months I would turn 31. Weird! Time flies! 

Yo! Welcome dear 12! 

To mention my age and yet be talking to time - seemed so contrasting! An old friend of mine claimed today that he has got mature now and that marriage makes one mature. I was like, 'Shut up and fight with me. I don't want you to act mature. I wanna fight with you.' ha ha! That's the kind of connection we have. I absolutely love it when he teases me and I tease him and that's our own special bond - just to tease and fight and never praise or talk nicely with each other. Yet there is deep care and years of connection in our bond. He is the only guy I had considered to get married with long back in school and college time for he was an IITian and I had a special I obsession with all IITians. For me they were super smart people and I loved wise people. Also, out conversations were epic back then and on phone itself that I had fallen in love with him. I had even put in loads of efforts to meet him - ranging from baking cake for him to getting appropriate dresses of his liking etc. But after our first two meets that I realised that people can be way different when met with in person than on phone. When I lost my interest and got all casual that he suddenly fell in love with me. We had on and off connection for years but I never felt that kind of love for him again - the love I had felt without even meeting him. However our bond remained. He had even proposed me for marriage - twice, but I was too young at that time and not at all ready for it. Also, I would have never agreed for it even later on. He is happily married now and I like to see him happy. Our bond is special though. We love to tease each other and interact only once or twice in an year. So that's that. He is my worst critic by the way and I still value his opinion about anything a lot. 

I still feel proud of the fact that my name was taken on the day of his college farewell and people teased him by my name just the way I used to tease him. But we have a sweet connection. Years of knowing each other. And a very pure bond. Nothing more. No romance or desire. Just a friendship - that bloomed with years and got stronger and stronger, despite of ups and downs. 

12:14

Wanna listen to music? Let's! Or even this peace is fine. 

I think humour is the major binding force for any connection. Atleast for me. I believe that if a person can laugh on himself, only then he has a right to laugh on others. And I specially bond more when I have full freedom to make jokes on others.. I even make jokes on myself and can take jokes on myself as well. Yet so many are so sensitive. They take everything personally and then I got to stay mum to not hurt them and that becomes an obstruction then for that's the only way I bond well - that's how I get comfortable. All other connections remain polite and a bit formal. It's only when you can laugh at each other than you can laugh together in others and without laughter, no cake is sweet and no meal becomes healthy. That's the main spice - the main ingredient of even love. 

12:18

Oh, this breeze is so passionate today. It's making me extremely happy. I feel loved. I feel energetic. Maybe also because of the power nap. But this weather is a bonus. Past entire month, even the breeze used to hot. This cold breeze today is a Harbinger of monsoon. I know it. 

Also that I checked the weather forecast. Lol! 

'Aapki nazron ne samjha'

Aah! This song! It has captured my mind. Add on, it's a reminder of L. Now even my Momsha has got connected to it. For we sang it together. 

12:26

I must send my book to a publishing house. It's high time now. Tonight is the night. Today I would surely do it. Also, I would become a well known musician. A vocalist and a song writer. That was my dream after travel. I did work for it as well. Now it's time for the next step. To launch myself professionally. 

Instead of waiting for someone to find me, I have to go find someone..

That acquaintance I spoke with today remarked a line, 'You are just a voice wishing to be heard'. That touched me. True that. 

And I would make my voice reach the world.

Not just through my songs, but also through my ideas and words. Author and a musician - my bio says that and it's time to even make those titles successful. 

I have published numerous books by now. It's time to even make money out of them and get them in hard cover in markets. 

I have worked on my vocals for an year and a half now. It's time to make it professional. Though music seems like a giant ocean to me. An endless one. More you dive in, more it offers further depth. But one must start somewhere, for there is nothing like 'perfect' when it comes to music. There is always a scope for improvement, another layer, another instrument, another cover. One must enter in. And all my works that I learned on field. This too would be same. I must enter the field now. I think I am ready for it now. 

Also, that other old friend of mine remarked today, 'Never ever release your album'. Now I must prove him otherwise and even get success at it. Ha ha. I just love it when he teases me. And arguing with him is one of my favorite things. And I value his feedbacks yet love to counter him, just for the fun of it. 

12:35

Oh, you breeze. You are beautiful tonight. Why don't you be as comforting everyday? I would have to go to Bangalore for it for that..ha ha. That's another possibility. That always remains a hope and wish for me. Bangalore - my favorite city. Where my work play balance remains balanced and the world seems like my own. Where I don't turn into a hippie yet travel and do everything that I wish to do. But mountains are another pull. For there I can be natural and authentic and live closest to nature. That is anyway the ultimate dream - my own house in Himachal. 

'There's a lady who's sure

All that glitters is gold 

And she's buying a 

Stairway to heaven'

By the way, I have not played any songs today. This is my mental jukebox. I have music going on back of my head on its own. Today you can imagine me singing these songs. Lol! 

But the most prominent line is 'Jee humein manzoor hai'

Ha ha

As if the record has got struck. 

Ooh! I still got to cover 'Me persona favorita'

Haven't learned the lyrics as well. I must. Would have to write those words as they are orated by listening attentively. 

12:42

The more challenging a task gets, the earlier that I get into it and the better that I do it. 

By the way, I also did a sketch today. Just a doodle - while listening to knowledge session. It came out pretty. It's after a long time that I did a pen sketch. It's not complete but I enjoyed it. 

12:46

Another of my ardent wishes is to open a dog-shelter in old manali. That's my long held dream. The day I would have enough resources, that one thing, I would surely do in my lifetime. For sure! For sure! 

And another thing that has got added on now, is to plant numerous trees in Pushkar. Maybe I would take Momsha's help in it for it is her dream to plant numerous trees as well. With me, even the place is fixed - in Pushkar. 

Likewise is the case with my dog shelter - in Old Manali specifically. 

The cafe maybe anywhere on mountains. But the dog shelter has to be in Old manali.

Oh, I though generally have never felt romantically for any foreigner. I prefer people from my own roots.. but I think I won't mind having a Turkish partner. Rather would love it. I just love those people. Though I am not sure about food. For am a vegitarian. And earlier it used to seem silly to me when my bestie had a break up just because of food preferences long back in college. But now that I think about it, I guess it does make a difference. For food makes our mind and us. Nonveg makes tamsik pravriti. And vegitarian diet if fresh and light - has satvik pravriti. 

Not like I have a line of international people waiting for me. Lol. Just saying! For we are on cloud eleven! 

12:56

In my first solo trip to Himachal - back in 2015, I had composed 40 songs in 18 days. Though I had sung them really bad, but the lyrics and composition was great. Now that I have also worked on my vocals, I think I can actually consider releasing an album. I would need to assemble right kind of musicians to give it instrumental music alongside. With Silver, it seemed so easy. We had perfect compatibility. Well, I can find a team now. And actually launch things professionally. He had other priorities. I wish he had opted for music as well. But even at that time I used to wish that had I been as talented as him I wouldn't have abandoned music. However, he decided to practice music personally. And I respect it. But I would love to bring out my songs for the world to listen to them. Hey universe, can you ensure that? Please do! 

Yo! Welcome dear 1. It's been long we met. Back in Himachal I was cribbing too much when I met you. Guess we have patched up. Also that I was sorry for being in that dark zone. However thanks to you that I became way stronger and you became that huge a stepping stone in my spiritual evolution. Thank you. 

Meet 11. It's double you and so unlike us. I mean, I am not in complaining mode any more. I no more run behind connections and people. I don't seek external validation. Oh, by the way Pompom is in safe hands in Himachal. I could never meet him again after our three and half months of togetherness but can't tell you how much that I think of him and miss him. Also, often that I wonder about Blue. I hope he is safe and happy. I am not sure about him though. I did whatever was in my hands back then. But someday, I would have my own dog again and I would never part with him. I no more imagine adopting a child. I do wish for a pup again though. So much that I miss Pompom and even Blue. 

Aah! Such memories. You still are a dark reminder of my past. Let's just return back to our present. The happy breeze. The Now - full of hopes and dreams. Please forgive me for my sins. Forgive me for whatever I did..

Help me become the best version of myself. Help me be a source of light and love for self and others. 

I have hurt my loved ones a lot. Help me never do that again. 

On cloud 11, my family itself gifts me with a pup and lets me keep it with me. But in cloud 11, I have my own home - full of pets, art, music and all the magic that I breath and create. 

1:10

Aah! Such digits..

To imagine, I haven't plugged any music today. 

1:11

The magic numbers. 

1 and 11 together. 

Perfect time to call it a night. 

Love you dear 11. 

Catch you tomorrow. 

Loads of love for you. 

Mmmmmmmuuuuuaaaahhhhhh 

A rainy forest with a cottage with its own fireplace lit in a corner. Yellow light. Rain outside. Rum or coffee. Us. Togetherness. Jazz in the air. Night time. You and I. Making love. Together. 

See you tomorrow. 

Mmmmmmmmmuuuuuuaaaaahhh

........................

30.06.2022

Hey my cloud 11. Sssup?

Although its 11 AM, but I just wanted to catch up even at this time. After all, its our last date together yo! And it’s raining heavily since morning, so all the more reason to be together. Oh, its way romantic.

I did finally go to Japanese park this morning and oh nature gave its best to me. I felt as if I was going home after a long time, moment I entered the park. It used be an every morning for years for me long back. Travel, and I living outside Delhi or away from home, took this one good habit of mine. Otherwise, I was literally addicted to morning workouts. I was known as gymnastic girl for often that I used to do stretching and flexibility exercises. Yoga, mild jogging, brisk walking, hanging upside down on swings and spending time in nature – was all an everyday for me back then.

Today, my feet on their own began to jog, and I was carrying my phone, airpods and all in a tiny pouch for I wanted to capture my annual visit to the park – as has been been pattern for past few years.

Oh, dear 11, it was magical. Already that it was cloudy, but the moment I stepped on the jogging track, it began to rain. I kept on jogging and taking videos every now and then until it began to pour heavily. I got wet but had to take shelter else my phone would have got fully wet. Though I waited for a bit but then, I couldn’t resist but go out again and be amidst ducks, pigeons and guess what, I even found two bunnies who were way friendly. They didn’t mind me being there or I touching them. Do you know, rabbits were my first two pets – back in college time!

A beautiful lake with rainy splatter followed by further walk all around the park. Loads of videos and pictures. How I wished for someone to be there along with me, as there were numerous perfect frames but none to capture me in them. I did capture nature but I wanted to be in the frame as well. That is one big reason why I kept on postponing my visit as I wanted to go with someone. But I am glad that I was on my own, for that is how I am used to. And it was such an amazing therapy. I let my feet carry me wherever they wanted. And it was such a bliss to be in nature after that long. To take any curve and path and simply get merged with the greens. I was wearing a skin fit blue sports leggings along with a skin fit plain black top. And I looked quite hot already in the skin fit dress, more so ever, because I had got fully drenched. I even went to hang upside down and asked a girl to make my video there. Everyone was stunned to see a girl doing all those acrobats. For me, I had missed it for too long and it was sheer pleasure to simply hang upside down and feel the blood rushing through my head. I even did few abs exercises on those poles and it felt great. Later I recorded a music video beside another lake. Japanese park has several lakes – each offering a different energy and vibe. One has many ducks and pigeons. Another used to offer boating, now it has migratory birds and solitary peace. Another contains two spots of mine on either side. On one side that I used to sit with my school’s ex and have burgers. Lol. Another spot there itself is solely mine where I used to smoke up sometimes, when I got into it. Another lake has more algae, is green, is rarely visited, yet offers a great view. Apart from these major three, there are segments of these three lakes that enlarge and flow here and there. All in all, the park is gigantic offering numerous natural abode, with crazy old trees, barks, plants, animals, birds of many species. It’s the closest one can reach to nature that too in a city. And to realise, its just a road across my home, still I hardly go there anymore.

Oh dear 11, it was epic. I walked on and on and after 2 and half hours of exploring around, even doing a short meditation only to open my eyes to green water and green trees and blue and grey clouds with hundreds of birds flying above and even around – getting reflected in the water… I suddenly was gifted with insane rain again. I had to rush to seek shelter to save my phone, although, I had got fully drenched by then, including my shoes and socks. I would have loved to walk on in the rain and enjoy it still, had I not been having my pouch filled with phone, and earphones and cash. Aah! I waited for a bit, with three four other dogs, even made a live video; but then I just couldn’t resist walking in the rain. And there, I was out again. I walked till home from the long way for I also had to fetch few essentials on my way. Off course, my pouch along with all its contents was dripping with water by the time I reached back home.  Even if my phone was working but I didn’t want to take any risk. I switched it off and wrapped it in towel. Later, blow dried it and now its resting in an air tight container filled with rice. That’s why, its also the first time that we are interacting via laptop.

I call my Lapi Cosmos! Meet cosmos! Its epic. Has touch screen, 360 degree flexibility, the keyboard has light in it and I just love my laptop.

11:22

Please don’t mind me telling so many details of past few hours. I am just over happy. And do you know what happened. Just last night that I was missing my dogs – Pompom and Blue. And today, not only so many dogs came to meet me in the park. But also, after returning back I rushed upstairs on terrace to enjoy rain a bit more. And there I met with my neighbourhood dog who wanted to play with me. Usually his humans, don’t allow him to meet me. They just pull his leash and drag him away, any time he tries to meet me. And he in his childhood used to run and anyhow meet me for he loves me and I love him. But his owner used to turn so rude and rough towards him everytime that he used to come and meet me, that I only stopped encouraging him. Yet, even now, anytime that he sees me or comes across me, he just meets me with such excitement as if I am his human or something. And then, no matter how much his humans call him, he runs off and comes to me and follows me. Anyway, today when I was upstairs, even a third neighbourhood aunty was there. The dog’s humans didn’t want to lose their face in front of her so they couldn’t stop Oslo/ the dog to run and meet me. He wanted to play and for a long time that we did play. In the rain, in the puddle, jumping, hopping, running. And I was totally in the moment. Felt super happy.

Often that I get annoyed with his human for Oslo doesn’t bark much but the man barks more than him on him. And that pisses me off. For he not only disturbs the peace around but also tortures the poor dog by yelling on him without any reason all the time. Today, while talking to Oslo, I also indirectly challenged that uncle to bark. Lol! It was fun. And even that aunty is so two faced. She always pulls him and never lets me meet with him, even if we pass by each other. Today, just to keep her face, she was like, ‘Oslo, do you want to go or play?’ I had to laugh. I told loudly, ‘Yeah Oslo! Go tell, if you wanna go or play.’ It just seemed silly to me – her statement and question from a dog. Also, since when had they given him this much freedom to decide all this. He is simply pulled and pushed around – only allowed to meet people of their choice and hardly played along with. He has surrendered by now for none has the time or energy to actually play with him that is fundamental right of any dog. Anyway, can’t judge. Yet have judged big time. Lol.

11:32

It’s raining still and I am in my favourite white middy and white shorts, with my room’s window open – enjoying the rain and relaxing my body which has got exhausted after a work out after so long. But deep in, I am super happy. I love brisk walks. Would you believe I even made a hot beverage out of lemon honey and spearmint for I just went overboard about being healthy. Lol!

Oh! Gupt Navratris are beginning from today. I wish I could have fasted but I can’t this time. Also that just last month I had fasted for ten days thanks to a stupid guy who had misinformed me the dates. So, this time I got to skip, all though I had full intentions of fasting even now. But I can’t because of some reason.

I am planning to get a haircut. Maybe a step cut or something that makes me look different. I usually like my hair to be long and don’t get any haircut except trimming a few front braids on my own annually. But after being sick in Pushkar, I lost a lot many hair, and I don’t like them now. The length has also got affected, but majorly the volume. And my hair texture is thin and I don’t keep them open anymore because of heat. Overall they just remain in a knot all the time. And I don’t want to see my round face and so crave for a change. Usually, I used to get them colored, but I don’t want to further damage my hair. Already a lot of hair fall has happened. I have been eating healthy and taking good care of my hair but still, a new hairstyle can work wonders and can also make them look more voluminous and well taken care of.

I generally am against getting my hair trimmed for I had read somewhere that our hair are like antennas and they carry all the spiritual energy. Yet, different cultures have different norms about hair. Like monks keep themselves bold for they don’t like carrying any karma and instead prefer to be hollow and empty. Yet, there are numerous sages who prefer dread locks; they knot their hair during day time to capture solar energy in their crown chakra and at night that they let their hair loose to allow all the lunar energy or emotions to flow free. I am no more into dread locks, though I had them long long ago. But now, I prefer clean, well taken care of, but long hair that are not genrally trimmed from below. A few trimmed front strands look nice. And them too I trim when I need to get rid of some negative energy or experience from my life or give myself a fresher take.

An entire new hair cut means a lot to me therefore. Once, after my pan India solo trip, I had got all my waist length hair trimmed till my ears, for I wanted to give my life a new take and get rid of my accident’s experience and forget the traveller in me. I felt way free after trimming them. But after a few months, I did regret cutting my hair short. Today though I saw a girl in short hair in the park and I absolutely adored her hair style. Reminded me of myself.

I don’t want short hair. I like them long. But yeah! Something different. Some cool new hair style. And later, once my hair would be healthier, I would even color them turquoise. Ha ha!

 

11:45

You must be getting bored know with my blabber. HA HA! Forgive me. I don’t even know why we are interacting at this time. But the thought striked my head and I checked there were three minutes to 11 AM. And here we are! AM and PM are way different though. Also, that I am in my room and not at our usual spot. But hey! Its our last day together. I won’t mind even spending the entire day and night with you. Ha ha! Chill! Won’t torture you as much.

Now I feel a bit tired though. But I must work on my book next. Have decided, won’t switch on my phone for next few hours. Don’t want to binge. Just have to surely and definably send my book to publishing houses today. So that would be next!  

I hope my phone is safe though. Aaah! It’s a tough nut like me. And Jal can never harm it or me. If anything, the phone must have got cleansed of any toxicity.

Wanna have breakfast and coffee? Got to boil milk first, that’s why we don’t have it alongside. So, my love… I will now have breakfast. And then would work upon my book. Would catch you at night at our usual time.

Till then,

Love you!

Stay safe! Stay happy. Keep splashing. Keep blabbering. Enjoy the romantic rainy monsoons!

Mmmmmuuuuaaaahhh

..

30.06.2022

Yo 11 PM. Welcome again! Am back. Also my phone is alright. I had switched it on by early evening and it was working alright, to my relief. However, since I passed out in evening and have woken up just 20 minutes back, so my phone doesn't have much battery and I am still not switched on! Lol. 

Well, hope it retain with us till we wish to talk. Won't plug in music. We would only be us. But first, let me change into outside clothes. I am still in my room fiddling with my clothes. Let me change and let's move our last date to our spot. Just give me some time. Coffee is already ready. So won't take long.

11:11

Yo! We have reached at our magical spot of love, abundance, joy, breeze, dreams, manifestations, blessings!

Oh my cloud 11, it's our last date. Can you believe it? We spent an entire month together. 30 days of togetherness. And time surely flies. Now that I think about it, it seems like forever that our dates have been going on. So much happened yet all I felt throughtout was that nothing was happening. I kept on sharing and remained empty. So nothing retained in my system, except your companionship and love. Thank you for that! 

It rained the entire day today. I was worries if we would even be able to catch up at our spot. But hey! We did get our spot on our last date. It's only with you that place got this specific. With rest of the times, I simply ensured the same city. But with you, I feel connected only when we reach this spot. Well, atleast we met before monsoons! 

Oh, my phone is alright. Yet to checkout and share the pics and videos. I did try sending my book to publication house but could only take one more tiny step towards it. I realised that I would need a literary agent if I want to get it published from Penguin. But I may not need it as well for my book is a non fiction and theme is not popular. Another thing I sorted was to write synopsis, I would first make an index and would tag those titles in page two of my short synopsis. For the titles are self explanatory and would bring out the exact line of action way better! 

But I was too tired by evening so I passed out and didn't do that. I didn't binge today, didn't play games, didn't waste my time on phone, yet couldn't complete the publishing task. But I also read somewhere that newbies should hurry the publishing process. It takes weeks, months, years as well. But the work should come out perfect and flawless. But I must seed the seeds atleast. Rest all would also take time. 

11:21

Haah! Weather is great. So chilly, breezy. I feel refreshed on terrace. Oh, I did play a bit of ukulele this afternoon. Just to practice. Would need to check out chords and practice way more to get back in a flow. Have forgotten many songs to be honest. I just don't feel connected to creating music here in Delhi. 

11:22

Now that it's our last date together.... You would be free tomorrow onwards! What would you do haan love? I am so used to you by now that I would surely feel hollow a bit. Won't know what to do at the time of our meet ups. But the first day I usually feel free as well. It's by second or third day that I miss. And then happens acceptance. Post which I only visit my date blogs every once in a while to learn from them or simply when I miss them. What exactly did we focus on together? I don't know what I would learn from you in future or what our compatibility exactly fruited into. But I feel sorted, loved, a bit numb; way ready for better love, career and finance. 

'Ye mausam milne ka hai

Foolon ke khilne ka hai'

Ha ha! The song is just getting played in my head! 

I think the most we discussed was my past lovers somehow. Even I was wondering why!! Not like I miss any of those guys anymore and want them in my life. Yet I visited them all - even the long lost ones or the ones I never wanted to remember again and didn't even mention here. Yet in past few days even they entered my head. My entire past revisited me without I having any intention of doing so. Maybe I am infact ready to have a little bit of stability or some sort of partnership. I still don't mean marriage - mind you!

A wisp of breeze just sent a shiver down my body. All my muscles are paining because of morning work out. To imagine, I am the same person who had walked for 30 kms on Mahashivratri just this year!! 

11:25

It's a Pushkar's friend's birthday today. Still haven't wished her. 

The way we talk here is called 'Stream of consciousness'. More like internal monologue. But it's not really a monologue for I do talk to you - the time itself! Would someone consider me crazy for it? Well! Like I care! Haha! 

I feel blessed instead to have you alongside. 

11:38

I feel as light as the sky today. Although it still has thick clouds yet it seems light because the sky poured the entire day. 

Also that I don't have much to say anymore. I already told you about my day in the morning. And it's our last date of togetherness. You tell me what do you wish out of me? A magical world to get immersed in and find love? A cocoon to turn from a caterpillar to a butterfly? A cave to consider entire life's connections? A hermit mode? A high priestess mindset? An empress way of being?

And are you my wheel of fortune or my chariot? 

Only time would tell! 

11:44

In you I found companionship and peace. With you I turned strangely punctual and disciplined. 

11:45

Would you miss us when the songs we shared together would be played anywhere? Would you try to find me in the Moon or those beaches we together visited or those mountains we made love upon? 

Would heated summers remind you of me or would I be a breath of relief like a rainy day in a summer month?? Hah! Such connections! 

'O re Piya,

Mai ta tere lai

Sau raatan jagun

Jitte jaave tu

Uthe jaavun mai

Dass ki mai karun'

11:49

Such love, such chemistry, such companionship! Aah! You mean a lot to me my cloud 11. My dream world. My happy memoir. My castle of perfect romance fused with friendship. My past, present and future - together - standing still! 

My coffee mate and music partner. My night's friend and sharer of nature. My confidant. My defense. My lover. My beloved. You are a true companion. Thanks for happening in my life. Always remember that I love you. 

Always find me brushing my lips all over your body, gently taking you in my arms, pressing your stressed points, relieving you of all anxieties, laughing, dancing, kissing you whenever you feel! 

'Tu hi mera saaraa jahaan hai

Tu hi mere rab ki tarah hai'

11:53

And you can crush me with your weight full of love. Kiss me below my ears, through my neck. Love my every cell and pore with a passionate intensity from your core. Free me of all my limits and fabrics and carry me to a water body. Together we would fuse and refuse and muse. Together we would tangle and untangle and break all rules. 

Enter my core with all your passion, love, thirst. Make me your own and never let me rest. In you I would find peace, joy, thrill, adventure, love. In me you would find mystery, romance, insanity, sensibility, chemistry, experiences, emotional and sensational whirlpool, sensory whirlwind. Aah! The sensuous world! 

11:58

I am not that good with farewells. Usually I prefer to leave first to avoid any hurt. Or else I be together the most I can and then leave first right before the point of separation. 

I love you my cloud 11. Manifest well! Remain light hearted and full of hopes. Anything is achievable. Even flying mid air. Remember that no matter what happens, am here, filled with Love! 

Love you! Stay happy! Stay true! 

Bye my cloud 11. Bye 12 too. Love you my magic mystery dimension. Glad to have met you. 

Mmmmmmmmmuuuuuuaaaaahhh 

....................