Mystical Wanderer: April 2024

April 1, 2024

Delhi

9 PM

Hey love, Welcome to a star-lit night. Sip a cinnamon, vannilla, saunf fused coffee and smell the paulo-sento and lavander spread upon me....

It's a usual night and that's what makes it unusual... For most of my life goes extra ordinary ... And the rare times when I get to live it normally in city, with not many ups and downs; it itself becomes my own extraordinary.... For living at home becomes a new kind of pulling myself out of my personal comfort zones, despite of endless comforts at home.

Would you believe, even till morning I tried my level best to go to Himachal. Thing is, I neither had strength, nor mood to go anywhere. A five months' long trip of Goa, Arambol has kind of tired me and a month long fever after Bangalore trip has weakened me a bit. And I just want to rest.

Had we met even a month ago, it would have been on Goa. Had I been able to implement my plans, we could have met in Kasar Devi, Uttarakhand or Pulga with -16 degrees or Manali with -1. Yet, here we are in Delhi. And though Delhi is gradually gaining springy summer, but I feel chilly even here for I have returned after a long time from Goa.

Right now, I have hopped to a neighborhood terrace .. and the city is still alive.

Had even considered meeting you in the morning... For am most alive either at night or early morning. But 9 PM seemed better than AM .. and darkness seems more personal and honest than bright daylight . Here we are. In my most comfortable clothes, at the safest place in the world - my home, upon the terrace of my society, below numerous stars - We!

9:09

Glad! We are on same page already.

Let me play music and make it more ambient and romantic.

So, I did wish for us to meet somewhere else, in a better landscape for us to have a creative outblast; for me to have an epic milestone, to capture yet another place weaved in my words.... But then, that would have been a bit artificial. It was just not coming from inside. This is where I am right now. I want to rest. A bit tired of my constant travels. Seek my home now somewhere in the world. Living the most of whatever connection I have left to my own home, and reviving my strength after surviving outside for most of my life....

Oh, I did loads of gigs this time in Goa. That was a massive milestone for me. A few years back, I had chosen to give more value to the Vibe Weaver than Mystical Wanderer self of mine. Had consciously placed music after travel in my goals. And this trip finally helped reach somewhere in my dreams. To perform is a different kind of high..where people get immersed in your voice, dance to the tune of your instrument and connect to your soul from their emotions and souls. And the most touching are those moments when someone gets tears in their eyes by listening to your voice. Once, I forgot my own lyrics, so much my attention shifted to a woman's silent tears in the audience and so much that I wished for her to heal.

'Sing us a song you are the piano-man

When we are all in a mood for a melody

You got us feeling all right'

And not just to perform, Goa offered crazy artists to listen to and learn from. One such guy was a European guy. He had magic in his fingers. The way he played directly hit my soul. In side my soul, I used to trance just upon his instrumental music. And there were many others too - often teaching exactly what I needed to learn at any moment. Goa this time was sheer dive into music along with nature ofcourse.

Last year I was exploring Chamba while connecting with 10. You are 9 - a magical number for me, an individual energy.

I love this number 9. Am sure, you would be a magical portal for me. Effortlessly. For right now, I seriously have no strength to put in any efforts in any direction. Have done enough. It's time to reap. It's time to channelise. It's time to just be and let cosmos bring the destined best for me!

'Forever trust in who we are

And nothing else matters.

Never care for what they do

Never care for what they know

But I know'

Yesterday I had a crazy dream. Silver was sitting with his son near me. His son wanted to learn solar system from me and had full faith in my ability. I did try teaching him, but I was more concerned about a trip I had to undertake. And I woke up with this guilt of not giving the child my best for I had to go. That was another reason for me to stay back. I wanted to do my duty. I don't know what is that. Something within says, the world is in my hands, I just have to be. And I don't need to run anywhere for anything.

Also, it's after years that Silver came in my dream or thoughts. That gave me a mild joy. I want him to be happy wherever that he is. I know he is happy. It was quite surprising to see his dream. More like it was soul's way of guiding me.

'Its getting dark, too dark to see

Feel I'm knocking on Heaven's door'

9:36

Aah! My magical number. Universal digits.

Aah! I also did lot many tarot readings back in Goa. That too was quite a wonderful experience. For each time, we guide others, there's some form of guidance in it even for our own selves.

Ample of stars visible tonight. They always transcend me to some other world. My blue star.

This time, I met with an Irish guy in Goa. His name was Michael. Core therapy for my soul. Our long walks and talks by the sea below stars were all magic. He heard me like no one before. I don't know why and how, but I shared with him things about my life that I had never shared even with myself before. He became a walking diary of my life - a biography that I could never and would never write. Yet he knows it all and I am thankful for that. Also, it's the first time that I opened up so much to any foreigner. Realised, not much is different regardless of boundaries. People are the same everywhere. And with him, our connection was sheer magic. Such peace in his presence, patience in his demeanor and loads of laughter and free speech in our connection. Ofcourse with numerous magical moments, shooting stars, meteor shower, manifestation of perfect moments, bonfires, stealing into random cafes for a spot middle of night... It was adventurous and sheer love.

He seemed like my blue star. A magical friend with best of intentions for me. And so did I feel for him. The purest of platonic love with deep friendship in a short span of time.

My Archangel Michael.

There were two more friends that became significant in this trip. They had a tiny shop there in Arambol. Each night we used to have dinner together. They used to wait for me and only cook if I used to go. We watched movies together, laughed together, sang, fought, laughed, shared .. it was a connection my soul was thirsty for - deep innocent connections from purest of hearts. Lighthearted time with purity, love, and willingness to be together. I though keep boundaries there to protect myself from it turning into limerance.

But I had M as my limurance. Thankfully I am out of it. I think these two friends helped me close my past chapters as well. For Goa otherwise was filled with memories of M and Shasha and all my soul tribe. To be there and not miss them was impossible. But because these two friends were there. They helped me create new memories and be in my present with my hundred percent self. Though M was M and Shasha was Shasha. But yeah, they are no more in my life. And present is present.

'This is the end

I have drowned and dreamt this moment

So overdue I owe them

Swept away I'm stolen

Let the Skyfall

When it crumbles

We'll stand tall

Face it all together

At Skyfall!'

'Never mind I'll find

Someone like you'

This morning, when I had almost packed my bag for Manali, my eyes landed upon my book shelf and I felt, even if I don't travel right now, I can travel through books and still meet with you.

Thing is, I wanted to carry so much this time. Even my laptop! Ofcourse my uke and books and so many clothes. Aah! It seemed impossible to carry my entire room. I travel light always. But there was just so much that I wanted to do. Even if, I had strength to do nothing. And it seemed difficult to choose just one or two things to pursue - like I usually do.

So I decided to stay back.

Do you know what I really wished for this morning. A childhood summer vacation. Like join swimming and driving classes . And read, paint, stitch, do craft work - just create anything - at home.

But I fail to find that peace anymore at home. And also, that remaining childlike is judged if you fail to be an adult in societal definition. All though I find myself way more mature and responsible in loads of things that society still needs to learn. Nonetheless I was embraced and the decision to stay back was rather admired. Also my decision to go was supported. Glad, finally I am at this position.

10:10

'I won't run,

I won't hide

I only want to live

To live my life.

I'm the ruler of my world.'

Alright love, catch you tomorrow. This is but the first meet. Gradually we'll get to know each other better. Though 9 is powerful number totally representing individuality..and that's what we will be. A powerful individual.

Loads of love!

'Only you can set my heart on fire...

I'll let you set the pace

Coz my I'm not thinking straight

My head's spinning around

I can't see clear anymore

What are you waiting for...

So, love me like you do!'

.........

April 2, 2024

Delhi

9 PM

Hey love! Have woken up just some time back. Could manage to quickly fix a coffee, dress up and come on terrace. My safe place. My heaven! This corner specially feels more my own. For it is another terrace - to be reached when I seek to escape the world.

'She will be loved'

All my life I have lived with 'fight or flight' reaction to situations. Raised in a narcissistic household, that was meant to happen. And flying monkeys still impact my life for they don't know. They come with love. So does my own home. Yet how do people fail to consider feelings of those they claim to love the most. Well, I know where I stand. I just wish I had another home. Another life.

Yet I also feel grateful. For God blessed me with so much and so many that others don't have. And I feel bad to not value all that enough at times. Yet the mind that I am given and this heart and ofcourse the experiences that trigger my reactions or feelings...

I now have clarity. I understand why I am the way I am. Thing is, I can't change others. Not can I change my past. I can only observe, understand, reflect and not react anymore. For now I know.

It has been my own choice - isn't it? Each soul choses it's life! Mine was an excess love with narcissistic bug. Aah! Sweet poison!

Here people were craving to hug me, to greet me, to love me - knowing fully well - that it all hurts me. The wall drawn is more for my own security. For I flow when in love. Either I trust, or I don't. And when I do, I hope for hundred percent loyalty. And Wish for the same amount of love. Not conditional, nor abusive, not complicated. But simple and deep and with communication. And I hate arguments. And I hate naivity. While these are all innocent people and they all love me deeply. But they are flying monkeys and being back in contact would mean adversely impacting my life. I can't do that.

Part of loving is also to stay distant - specially if your presence hurts your own loved ones. Why do people fail to understand such a simple thing.

Boundaries should be respected. Until you are willing to go the extra mile and really wish to be together with 1000% self. And even then, one must consider if the other is willing or interested. Or if it would rather be better to live from a distance.

I was expecting to meet you bare tonight. Had fully decided to be dripping wet post bath, with fuming aromatic essential oils around and us flowing upon music and thoughts. Well, that's why I don't plan! All my dreams come true, never my plans.

Oh, I was also supposed to go visit Red Fort with a friend this morning. He woke up late and by that time, I had lost interest.

Should we go to Manali? Atleast life would be more interesting there and I will be more active.

I feel so low in energy these days that it feels as if someone has access to all my energy. All this began ever since I returned from Bangalore. Maybe my ex-bestie did something on me. Or maybe some other jealous energy. But a fever that goes on even after a month is not normal. And being so low in energy is also not normal. And these unusual hunger pangs also are not my way of life. Aah! Why am I here. Or if I am, why can't I be resourceful and grateful? Instead, my mind becomes my enemy here and my body doesn't support me. Weird know!

Mahadev is there with me. Also my spirit guides and angels. Nothing can impact me until I let it. And my cosmos is way more powerful than any of these shallow jealous energies.

'Ye jeena bhi hai jeena kya bhala

Thami hain sansein,

Mann bhi hai bhujha

Hai Dil lagane ki ye saza

Koi Dil lagaye na'.

My soul remains thirsty for pure love, authentic connections, peaceful place... I in the best of my spirit. I miss my best self.

'Na ab hai koi raasta

Jo mujhe ko de de manzilein

Bhari thin chahaton se jo

Wo ab nahi hain mehfilein'

I crave to go to Kalath to heal this skin issue that I am carrying for past one month. Today I applied ganga jal upon it. For sacred water is the best remedy for anything evil. And I know it is all evil eye.

If only it was allowed to have my own home in Himachal. Aah! Once I was even ready to die to be born again in Himachal. That's my soul's home. I wish I had a home in old Manali. And I wish it had Pushkar like satsangs around.

Same like once I wished for Delhi to be green like Bangalore filled with boulevards and intellectual people.

Yet, each place has its own beauty and authenticity. And nowhere that you get it all. Likewise with people. Each has his own limitations and qualities. And none can have it all.

That's the beauty of life. And that's what teaches us to value and appreciate uniqueness in various abstracts!

I be a camouflage of all. A medley. A loop in timelines. A fusion, a craft!

My dream house is upon mountains by a river. With all walls hand painted by me. And lot of greenery. Herbal Plants and seasonal flowers. With every ounce of the home vibrant and filled with magic and life. With its own fireplace. Just like shown in European houses. With aroma of cakes and cookies. Loads of essential oils and aromatic fragrances. Melodies and instruments. Love.

'But loving you had consequences.'

Ofcourse with glass walls. Loads of Sun and wind for the house. With rain visible. Even snow if possible.

And bird feeders in the portico.

Ofcourse a tiny garden outside with a swing and hammock.

And my own dog. Even cat if possible. And a tiny aquarium. That's a must.

I love aquariums. They bring such positive energy in any house.

Another of my dreams is to have my own cafe in Himachal. A vibrant place filled with life. With tables like Laddakhi culture. With mattress to relax and sit on. Loads of white sheets and colors for people to paint or flow. Loads of books on one corner. All walls ofcourse hand-painted. With best of coffee and cakes possible. Something to be afforded for all income groups. And I will also do tarot card readings for those interested there. Ofcourse live music every evening. By others also myself. For I now can build the vibes as well. Ofcourse long way to go. And one side I can also sell my art pieces - ranging from macrame jewellery to canvas arts to all experiments when it comes to art. And a corner to sell Himalayan plants in hand crafted vases - as mementos to be carried to their cities by visiters.

And ofcourse I wish to write books in that cafe and sell them successfully. Aah! My dream life.

My entire body is paining today. And I feel like getting someone to walk all over me. Or press those pressure points that are not even letting me breath. Maybe I slept in a wrong position. Ha ha! Imagine to even sleep incorrectly. Lol.

'Mai nai jaana

Khedeya de naal'

When would I stop oscillating between outside and inside. And why do I do that? And yet nothing seems to give me joy anymore. Where does it end? What's the point? Till when would this go on? This fight or flight! When would I find my purpose? When would the time get right? When would I be able to let down my walls? When would I be able to trust again?

Only you can show me the way - dear divine.

You know the way. You are my light!

Oh, last night, after our meet, I had Aru's dream. He was so caring and caressed me. Weird.

How I am getting dreams of so many old friends. And I haven't even been thinking about any of them. Maybe cosmos is soothing me in dreams to assure me that I am not alone. That am well taken care of. That I am loved. And that there is after all light at the end of even this tunnel.

I wish I be able to get a great publisher for both my books on Pushkar and Chamba. My dream is penguin. Aah! Why don't I have contacts. both the books are seriously epic. I have such huge hopes from them. Majorly I feel as if world can learn so much if people read them. I gave both the books my all. And so wish for them to reach the world. How can that happen. Please show me the way love. Help me collaborate with the right people. Find a good agent for me. Help me publish them from Penguine. Ofcourse Chamba one is in hindi. I would have to get it published by some other way. But Pushkar one is seriously an epic. It has such great scope.

I am a writer. And I write. That's what I am best at. Can't really serve anyone in any job. Can't flatter people or boost their egos. I create. Am a creator. And I need a manager. For collaborations or finding right useful people is not my thing. I just create. Am earth. Am fire. Am water. Air is what I lack. And only you can provide me that.

10.10

Hope it manifests.

Loads of love.

Good night my love!

See you tomorrow! Mmmuuuaah!

.........

April 3, 2024

9 PM

Hey love, just give me a minute. Let me go upstairs and then we'll be together.

Alright yo! Here we are. Delhi has become quite hot today. Or maybe I am finally better - health wise. I am upon my own terrace today because there is a high probability of people visiting the other one. So, here we are. I woke up an hour ago, just to take a bath and meet you refreshed... Yet here we are...Still meeting at the verge. Yet glad we could enter the portal.

I will still take some time to smooth in. Still feeling dazed somehow.

'Would you dance if I asked you to dance ....

Would you save my soul tonight ...

Hold me in your arms tonight!'

Last night, I heard a lot many other meanings of number 9 in a Tarot reading. 9 is a number of completion. Of moving to New grounds. Of wrapping up old cycles.

Also that 9 is a digit in my own birthday, for it happens on 29th. We have always been connected love.

To me, 9 seems magical. A witchy number. A fairy portal. Though, it has been quite ordinary for past two three days - now that am exploring it. Well, we still have a month to go.

If I put in efforts maybe, we can get the desired outcome. Yet, my energy levels are going crazy these days. One night I feel like packing up and leaving for one or other direction - all charged up to make us the best. And the next morning logic pops up or my own mind makes excuses to not do whatever I plan the previous night.

'Khwaishon ki chahat mein

Tu khud ko hi kho gya hai'

Usually, if I begin a blog at a certain place, I ensure to write it in the same city for the entire month. Yesterday I asked myself, this rule is also self made, but why did I make it.

Shakespeare had mentioned this about writing a good play - it needs unity of time, place and one setting.

But it is not a play.

Another reason was to explore a place's energy in its entirety. But I have already written more than couple of blogs here in Delhi itself.

So I gave myself reasons. Have named our meets Nine Wine. And Wine can be flavorful. Why not go to all the places instead and create a fine blend of best spots. Create a wine of my life with right amount of ordinary and extraordinary, devotion, healing, adventure, music .. balance of individuality and collaboration.

Well, all in my mind so far .. as I am hardly acting upon it as yet.

'Kaise jee rha hai

Tu kaise jee rha hai'

I am also understanding why I have become so disinterested in life. The way I am personally designed is so - that whoever I get attracted to - regardless of I actually getting any close to that person or not, I acquire the person's qualities and attributes.

'Wise man say

Only fools rush in

But I can't help

Falling in love with you'

So the guy I got last attracted to in Goa - was so sage like and so disillusioned in life that while trying to heal him, to instill his interest in life; I instead learned not putting in any efforts and allow life to be effortless.

But I have been a go-getter. I put in efforts. And that's where my mind and heart are conflicting. I wish to experiment his way of life. To manifest and attract without any desperation. For he never put in any efforts towards me and yet it was I again and again going towards him, getting more interested and curious. Yet I also felt not equally valued by him for he never put in efforts and rather took it as his ego or disinterest.

And so this thought also pops up in my mind. On one had, I would love life to be attracted towards me, instead of I trying to control it. But what if it feels that I am just not interested or not valuing it enough. Quite a possibility.

Still, it's fun to experiment.

To live a bit from other's perspective. Maybe have a new shade to my entity. There must be a reason even for it.

'Nahi seedhi, nahi saadhi

Koi mujhko na behlaaye

Zara dekho, haan dekho

Meri paayal baaje jaaye'

'Raza hai kya teri

Dilo jahan tabaah kiya

.. Kahan Kahan

Firun Mai dhoondta'

I have just been feeling like being with only myself. Not talk to anybody. Not let my energy or decisions be impacted by anybody.

And that is what I have been doing. Solo energy. Lot of contemplation. And also bit of boredom.

Oh, I did read a few pages from two three books. One was 'Story of Philosophy' - read Nietzsche's ideas and about his life. Aah, Don't remember much to quote from. The only line I remember when it comes to him is 'Chaos is the birth of a dancing star'. I will write tomorrow onwards to share with you.

I do remember that his life resonated a bit with me as well. I could understand why he became who he became. Oh, and that he connected tragedy with music.

Even Michael had recommended that book to me back in Goa. Would try to read it whenever I get it.

'Mohabbat ke safar

Ka raahi umr bhar

Mai ban jaunga agar

Tu ho raasta'

Aah! It's drizzling. Each time I mention Michael that it rains. He surely is an angel in my life. For I love rain.

'Aa lag ja tu gale

Rahe na koi asar

Mai bhi kuch sanwar jaunga

Hoga Tera asar'.

The day he was leaving, we hugged upon the beach at 3:30 AM. It was the purest of embraces. And a golden moment for me. In few days he had become such a big confederate, a close and warm friend. Without even saying much.

I hope he gets love and joy in his life. And even after going to Ireland, he is always there - whenever I need him. Such a humble soul. A pure soul.

'We are just one big family'

I don't know why this word 'family' annoys me whenever people outside call any gathering or connections as family. I prefer to not name relations or connections.

'It can not wait

I am yours'

This song reminds me of Silver and our connection. The music, those Bangalore lanes, our explorations.

I was wondering why am unable to flow like my usual blogs when it comes to you. One reason can be that I wrote a huge diary - all five months in Goa. Also that I had friends to share so much with in last two three months.

And past few years I had been such a big time loner that I used to have so much to share. And all that used to outpour in my blogs. And this time, I have already written, shared so much at so many places. And we are meeting at a creative barren phase of mine. The time was just not good. May it be in terms of my energy level or the will to open up or share.

Yet when you date time, you got to respect and value all of its phases. And I prefer to be myself - good or bad, in my best or worst form. So here I am. Meeting you. As me. Hope together we do create magic.

'Listening to the wind of change'

'Take me to the magic of the moment

On a glory night

Where the children of tomorrow

Dream away

In the wind of change'

Oh, last night I heard my own gigs' videos after our date. Realised, that I was way more critical about them back then. That I wasn't that bad. Rather, now with a critical distance, I was my own audience. And the music totally swayed me, made me emotional - not because I was singing it, but by the flow of music and lyrics itself. And that boosted such confidence in me.

Maybe, I do have hope in music after all.

That's such a big time dream of mine. To release my own album - of self written songs in my own voice.

Once there was a guy who called me all the way to Delhi from Bangalore and promised to create an album together. Later he was like 'Marry me and only then would I make an album with you.' lol. I was like, I won't marry you just to release an album.

How do people lack maturity at that massive a level. Ha ha.

Well, I did marry music later on. Not marriage but loved for sure. Still do.

Let's see how our relations grows.

No pressure. But yeah, hopes!

'Nazuk nazuk si

Pyaari pyaari si

Mere jeene ki aas ho'.

And I am sure, just like I love music so much... Music too must have atleast some love for me. I may not be the best when it comes to music. But I sing from my soul. And I have this dream and desire from inside ofcourse fuelled by divine. There must be a reason for it. Maybe past life. Maybe what's destined.

Only time will tell.

But they say, 'What you want, also wants you.'

And so I hope.

10:10

Oh, I now remember a bit about Nietzsche's life. So he was named after a king 'Friedrick'. Had religious upbringing. Was called a saint by his friends for he often preached morality to his peers and was therefore considered a bit abnormal. His first love was God. Later he got disenchanted and wanted to explore athism. Got into drinking, drugs and women. Realised after two years that it was all superficial and rather corroded his thinking. So moved on. He then shifted to country side - away from hustle bustle of city - to write poems in nature and peace. But then, a war came up. And though he wasn't physically very strong, yet a sense of duty towards country made him join army. Couldn't last there for he got injured. Yet he gained this respect for military for he no more couldn't join them. Whatever he couldn't do, he used to respect that. Later he wrote that connection of tragedy and music in collaboration with another writer. The book was so fashioned as a conversation. Where a musician wrote his views in sonnets followed by dialogues of a philosopher as a remark upon Sonnet.

Nietzsche had a huge connection to music and though he wasn't great at it, yet always laid huge emphasis upon music being vital to any human's life and growth.

That's what I remember right now. Ha ha. Not even a single quote that I loved.

Another book that I am reading is 'Thibking big'. The book claims that society is so designed to ensure that most of the people remain in mediocrity. That it is not impossible to become cream. One just needs to think big. Not restrict oneself when it comes to dreaming. If we will invest our time and energy in smaller things then we will always remain mediocre. To do big, one must dream big.

Have only read two three pages so far. Will update you, if I read more. Lol.

I don't know why, I find self help books extremely boring.

I instead love fiction to read. That keeps me captivated.

And though I love philosophy, but these days, even that seems heavy. I am more in a mood to do some light reading. Maybe a novel or so. But then my mind tells me that am wasting my time for I have read thousands of such books all my life. How is it adding in to my life.

Yet I read somewhere today, that whenever we read, it is never a wastage of time. For books nourish out mind and soul. And I totally agree with it.

Alright love! Talk to you tomorrow. Good night for now.

Love. Mmuuuaah ...

.......

April 4, 2024

Delhi

9:21

Hey love, have just woken up. So sorry. I got late. Wait! Let me just get ready and go to terrace.

Aah! I don't like getting late for my dates ever. Would you believe I even woke up an hour back. Put my phone to get charged and then passed out. I should probably have woken up there and then.

It's getting difficult to type with an eye close. Lol. My retina is still trying to adjust. Both the light and this sudden exposure to light.

Today was a self care day for me. I oiled my hair, took care of my skin. Was so feeling like trimming my hair. Then realised today is Ekadashi. Also, maybe it would be better to trim them on Full Moon post the upcoming solar eclipse.

Aah! I also need to run to the market tonight. For I am out of smokes. That is how time works. Either you would have it tonight excessively and won't just know what all to do or else, everything falls together.

Right now I am feeling like being out in the market fetching stuff, freshening up to open my eyes better up, and be up opon terrace with a coffee cup - all at the same time. Maybe we will make out night different today. Maybe we will do them all tonight! And will stretch our meet night long. That's what I feel like every night. Because by the time of our meet ups, the world is still awake and I be sleepy. But late at night there happens way more peace and I be way more awake. Even early morning. It is at that time that so many ideas pop up and I actually feel like talking with you.

But ofcourse, you are you.

So far, our meet ups too have been a bit boring - just like my life these days.

Why do I get my self to this mental prison each time? No comments!

Let's go out. Take care of things and be together for long time tonight. There are unwelcomed relatives at home again tonight.

And I don't want to listen to their voice. So, let's just go.

Alright yo, have quickly changed and now we are moving towards the market. It's a short experiment as well. I would like to know how would it be if I continue our blogs even as I travel.

Also, this brisk walk is helping me deal with my anger. I am really furious right now. Its not easy being with narcissists. They intentionally try out your boundaries and do things that would hurt you for sure.

Anyway, that's my test. I just don't know why do I keep coming back for the same test - at home.

Why don't I just stay outside. It would be epic to have my own home and never gave to come back here.

Ok... Give me some time. Time to shop.

Alright! Change of plans. Let's just go outside and sit in a park.

Alright then! We are in a park. It's been more than a month I have been anywhere. I had never expected to sit tonight over here. But hey! Why not? Just that it is a bit open. And I prefer that solitariness that the other rooftop of my society offers. Also music. For I don't have my airpods right now. And there is still traffic and noise upon road beside.

But let's just be! I am not even absorbing the ambience as if now. Let's!

Well, there were noodles spread upon the bench I sat upon and there was puddle below it. My feet and trouser are both dirty. That is why I hate going anywhere outside in Delhi. People have no sense of cleanliness or hygiene. And dirty surrounding impacts me way adversely.

Now am sitting somewhere else in the same park. But it is dusty and hot. Let's just go back..we will sit upon rooftop..that's our place. And would also offer undisturbed longetivity.

I will also prepare a good coffee. Let's go.

Notheless, it feels nice to be out and walking after so long. This boulevard lane beside my society always makes me feel good. Had you been a person, we would have taken strolls all around. I love night walks.

Miss Michael as I say that.

Would it rain? Who knows!

Am back home yo! It's weird, how as people grow up, their topic of conversation becomes so limited. Like what they are and how they processed it. And they talk about it with such huge interest as if that is the most important thing for them and so interesting to anyone listening to it; failing to realise how less of an interest anyone else can have in it.

My first sweat here in Delhi. Aah! A tiny walk made me feel normal. Atleast I felt the growing heat. Otherwise 37 degrees would have e been unlivable for me. Yet here I had been thriving temperature wise. For I still had fever and therefore still didn't find it hot at all.

How our internal environment or temperature plays a vital role in deciding our comfort level in external.

10:34

Aah! Finally am back on terrace. Upon my spot. Aah! With coffee. Aah! How much I was craving for these moments, this spot. Even my rooftop was filled with people - every terrace on my way till here. But yeah! Also met good Neighbors and had a conversation with a couple. There are rare people I gel with. Rarer that I interact with my soul, time and energy. It felt good though - to talk to someone.

That lady is so nice and so is her husband. They always make me feel welcome here unlike a few others who never leave a chance to throw in a sarcasm or two. As such, most of the people love me and miss me. And are nice to me. The ones who pass sarcasm too either are jealous of my lifestyle or are more sensitive to my family's side for I live majorly outside.

They have not lived at my home. They don't understand the tip notch subtle psychological attacks. They don't understand spiritual politics. They don't know the burden of handling victimhood or complexes.

It's crazy how the entire universe is either bullied or bullies - including nature - though that's for their food, not power. Yet power is Who's food probably. And fame too. Or manipulation are mere tactics for it, just like hunting techniques or carnivorous animals.

10:42

I had even applied alarm this evening to ensure our meet on time, yet maybe because of its low volume or I being deep in sleep; I couldn't hear it. I die when I sleep generally and nothing reaches my ears until I naturally wake up. It's a boon I feel, for I can therefore sleep anywhere. And, if I am really sleepy, I can even sleep while standing or sitting - mid air. Ha ha!

Alright! So let's play some music. Let's get to the groove of our meet.

Tonight is Ekadashi and therefore have played Pushkar's satsangs' voice recordings. I have been missing these satsangs like anything. And it all seems so far off - those nights, that devotion, the bliss in it.

That's one demerit of travelling. You can't be everywhere yet so many places live in you so alive - as part and parcel of your soul.

People in Pushkar really love me. Not all. Majorly it's a patriarchal society. But I could inspire women to express. And so many that inspired me there to express as well. It's a place so rich in culture and art forms of all kinds.

This bhajan feels like a dip in Ganga or Pushkarraj. Aah! So healing. that too lead by one of my favorite person's there. Ofcourse with all my bhakti group there. Because my eyed used to be closed in most of the satsangs. I recognise all of their voices. And I can identify their voices distinctly even in a group's voice. They all are mine and I am their's. My soul tribe. My bhakti group.

I think I fell in love with satsangs for naani used to take me for kirtans back in my childhood. And I was the only child in family whom she took and who went there weekly with her willingly. That's what connects me to Pushkar the most - satsangs. Ekadashi and Purnima therefore still makes me excited - for two years these two three events each month - used to be my core therapy, highest form of music, connection with other kindred spirits, group activity and connecting with divine.

'Le le apni lakuti kamariya

Bahautahi naach nachayo re

Soordaas sab pihasi yashoda

Bas har kanth lagayo re'

11:01

Aah! Another of my favourite bhajans.

'Shiv bhola bhandari mere baba

Mahadev bhandari'

See, that's the impact of bhajans - it silences my over-active mind and brings peace to my soul. Now am thoughtless. Aah! Peace!

11:11

There was an aloevera plant that I had found outside Gayatri temple in Pushkar. I had other plants as well there, but this one aloevera plant I couldn't part with and brought it to home. Today I had applied that plant's gel itself upon my face. Whenever I feel that I need healing, I take its blessings by eating a tiny part of it or applying it. It's rare though. The plant has really bloomed here. Another banana plant also that I had brought from there. But it's just there. This Aloevera plant seems like goodness energy. And I totally believe that it's Gayatri maata herself. That was the first mantra btw that I had learned. I was two when momsha taught me that mantra. And by 2.5 that I used to chant it. There were few years when that mantra always used to be on the tip of my tongue. Like always. And no matter what I used to do, the chanting used to go on back of my mind somewhere. Now it doesn't happen as much.

And now am more closer to Mahadev and therefore Om Namah Shivaya comes up more naturally when am scared or happy or stimulated in any way.

And I greet by Ram Ram or Har Har Mahadev in right vibes with appropriate people in apt environment.

Time to change to music.

'Haan pyaar hai

Ye pyaar hai

Ye Jaan le

Ye Maan le'.

My Tarot readings are funnily rapidly mentioning my marriage these days. That someone is really wishing to get married to me and is about to propose me. Lol. The very thought scares me. One, I just don't want to get married. The very thought of relationships scare me. Love is another thing. It's pure, it's willing, it's giving. Relations have expectations and therefore disappointments. Relations bring drama and therefore I avoid them.

Also, one thing has been clear in my life. I wish to be independent at every level. Want my own home, have stable income, live a life beyond needs or wants and on my own terms.... And only after am satisfied with my personal goals that I may involve anyone else in it romantically.

There too, I have more emotional needs than physical or social. Been years have actually been intimate with anyone. I just don't feel like it anymore. None seems worth it. After all, it's an exchange of energy. And even socially. Most of the guys I connect with while travelling - seem equally lost. And what's the point of being with anyone if I have to stay masculine even there. I can take myself out for dates or plan up trips or do whatever I desire. I love my own company. Don't want to mother these grown up children.

Society has not really done that well when it comes to men. They all seem grown up boys - filled with unnecessary rage, insecurity, hollow ego and uncalled femininity. It would have been different had their femininity was then being in touch with their emotions. But it is instead weirdly them demanding or expecting princess treatment. And I have never been able to flatter or boost anyone's ego.

And not about anyone else. It's more about me. I do seek romantic connection at times, but the cost is too much. And now, my expectations also have increased. I would like a man to lead, to take decisions, to bring out my feminine self. A balanced person at peace with his own life to handle both his own life and also support mine with patience and love. And so would I do for him emotionally or logically. But a relation makes sense only if I be able to be my feminine self and the guy is balanced and majorly masculine. Not by looks per day but by behaviour. Can't mother children.

And way before that, I want to create the life I desire for myself.

Even then, I don't think I would ever want to get married. The very thought seems imprisoning. My freedom is the most crucial for me in my life. Freedom to be.

Most of the relations (blood or otherwise) in my life have been controlling, demanding, emotionally unstable or even abandoning. I don't have much respect for relations per day. And I don't like to sacrifice, thought that is what I do when it comes to people I love. And therefore I just don't love or get into any relation with anyone; for I don't want to lose myself.

I do have a healthy definition of an ideal connection though. And maybe, when I would have created my dream life and would be at peace with myself; I may manifest the kind of relation I desire. But not before that. Won't settle just for the heck of it. That is for sure.

11:35

'Abhi uthi hun neend se

Tumhara khwaab dekh ke

Abhi tum ek khwaab ho

Abhi bas ik hijaab ho

Mai choo ke tum ko dekh lun

Ki sach mei mere paas ho

Mujhe thi jis ki justaju

Wahi meri talaash ho

Abhi to is talaash ka

Mila koi sila nahi...

Abhi na jao chor kar

Ki Dil abhi bhara nahi'

Ha ha! A guy in Pushkar had played this song the day I was leaving Pushkar. Or so I thought that maybe he had played. It was more my mental weaving most probably. My fantasy world. For anyone interested wouldn't have behaved the way he did.

One result of traumatic upbringing is that we find emotionally unavailable guys to be normal, rather better. For any lack of drama becomes utopia. And by gaining just that guy's love, we may become lovable in our own eyes. Weird how psychology works. The self love required is misdirected at all the wrong sources. Trauma bonds.

And therefore, until, I don't heal myself entirely... No more get attracted towards such emotionally unavailable people, nonmore get triggered by my past or feed into narcissists people's egos and rather learn to be healthy independent happy self ... I don't want another burden of a relation.

'Jahan bhi hai tu

Khush toh hai na?

Jahan bhi rahe

Khush hi rehna'

'Kabhi mere khwaab sa

Kabhi uljhe jawab sa

Ki Chanda mei bhi daag sa

Mere jaisa tu'

This evening I had decided to meet you without sleeping. Was awake till 6:30 PM. Was rather planning to go on terrace and play

Uke for a bit. But then I passed out. These days finally am back on 3-4 hours of sleep per day. But that's why I couldn't wake up on time maybe for our meet. Or who knows!

I don't like getting late for anything, specially for my dates with time. For that would be disrespecting time. But know that I had no such intention. That I really love and respect you and so wanted to be on time for our meet.

Aah! My hair feel so soft tonight. I feel like smelling their fragrance and just running my fingers endlessly through them. Ha ha! It's a good hair day for sure. That champi served it's purpose. Also the hairwash. Freshly washed hair have their own magic. The aroma and feel. The softness and freshness. They even bring a strange shine to the face. Ha ha.

I feel good.

11:59

Alright my love! Will catch you tomorrow. Sorry for the ups and downs of tonight. Hope we meet on more peaceful grounds and awake tomorrow. Actually today. For it's 12. Lol.

Loads of love

Mmmmuuuhh

.............

April 5, 2024

Delhi

9 PM

Welcome yo! Today I am home alone. Have just had a bath. Carrying aroma of Paula santo and Musk. With supple moisturized skin, in a recent Goa sovereign as a striped dress...

Though my IBS has bloated me so much these days that it seems more like a frock. Yet, it just feels good.

Had even prepared coffee to take on terrace, but we can even be here at home and for that we have rose sherbat.

I have crossed 30 and have been living outside for most of past 12 years.... Yet this thrill that I get whenever I am at home and alone; it's just unparalleled. And though there is nothing special that I do anymore. But just this feeling that I get of relief and freedom..... With family I feel concious to ever express or let out any of my emotions or laugh or create or ever be. And everywhere else, there is always so much to do and hardly that I have my things to experiment. Just at home that I feel safe, have own kitchen, have all my art supplies and have specific spots for various of my art forms practiced in different timelines. At home that I can time travel. At home that I feel concious of any rules to be broken when none is there. But as such no external rules apply to me; not like I ever followed them.... Also, I have created my own rules instead.... And that's why not like I do anything unusual... But this feels great.... Seriously.

As if, a huge dark cloud goes off my head. But I also understand that it feels fun because it's occassional. I don't enjoy my freedom anywhere else for its just there. Anything becomes fun only when it is attained with some kind of challange or fate.

Oh, I filled my room with Lavander fragrance, but am sitting outside. .. for I didn't want to sit inside. . My room is massive and so vibrant but I only feel suffocated there now even if I spend entirety of my days, even months there. But that's my safe space at home. Also, the same room has so many traumatic memories, also cherished time capsules.

Honestly, I have more fond memories of our previous home. And that house itself that comes in my dream as my home. We had shifted here in my teenage. And I have not even a single happy memory here when it comes to home or family. All my rebellious phase, psychological breaks, running away, coming back, constant escapes, struggling to feel home - all that is part of this home. And here I sit in its centre - still not fully home. Still, an outsider yet this is the only place closest to home.

My body knows each time about what is kept where. My system doesn't even mind and gets re-adjusted to this timeline - despite of staying outside for months or year. And yet, I never feel happy here. Now I understand atleast few of the reasons.

A couple of early philosophers looked at Christian mysthology from Satan's perspective. That all he did was to follow God's authority and rebelled against unnecessary rules. And therefore, though he was one of the most powerful and wise angels, he was thrown off to hell. Later when he saw Adam and Eve being gifted with all the gifts of the world; he felt furious. And even then, all he did was open knowledge for Eve and Adam. As per the book, the very presence of an apple tree was a flaw for sooner or later they were bound to break the law and eat that apple. Satan was a mere catalyst there. Yet people blame Satan for it.

Not like I support Satan. But yeah, just that narrative came to mind. Back in college I was a real rebel. Paradise lost was one of my favourite books for the way Milton had glorified Satan in terms of literature was simply mind blowing.

Likewise, that I read Raavan by Amish in Goa. He had looked at Ramayana from Raavan's perspective. Raavan there was shown with a troubled traumatic child - whose father abhored him for he has a flaw upon his naval. That he along with his mother and brother Kumbakarna were sent out or rather they had escaped to save their lives who were ordered to be killed by their own father.

That Raavan was a self built man and because of his experiences in life and relations that he kept on becoming distant and earning more and more. And that even in Raavan's life where there were moments when he felt that oang of consciousness - specially for his childhood love/muse - kanyakumari (Seeta's birth mother), when he really decided to change for good.... But circumstances didn't allow him.... For he was destined to become a villian - for society to get their hero as Ram.

We just feel that things are out choice. Mostly, we are mere puppets of cosmos and destiny. Yet it is that destiny that we create - through our karmas and energetic exchanges.

Yet each soul before birth itself knows exactly where would it be born, who all would it meet, best parents for a soul's growth, most apt circumstances for its evolutions, situations and circumstances for its life path - and soul choses it all willingly, rather customizes it as per it's willingness to learn and evolve...

And still we keep on blaming people or circumstances.

Crazy know!

What say? Wanna go on terrace still? Mosquitos are annoying me here, for am hardly wearing much. They will be there upstairs as well, but I will be more covered.

9:33

I wore more clothes and am in my room. House seems earingly silent.

We will go upstairs in some time. Coffee is anyway ready. Am also dressed. Let's just talk here for a bit.

Issue is with my energy level. God knows what has happened to me. Ever since I have come back, all I want to do is to be upon my bed and not move. I have never even enjoyed reels. Still don't. Crappy content. But I don't want to consume much so don't play anything on laptop. I want to create so much, but don't have the strength for that. And all I do is lie down and pass my time. There seems to be no strength in my spine or soul. It's third time today that I cancelled a trip with in one month. And I never cancel any plan when it comes to travel. I just don't have the strength.

I read somewhere that maybe it is because of solar eclipse for many other people are also feeling the same all around the world

Hopefully, I will feel better after 8th. Or who knows these are but Ascension symptoms. Or maybe that random overnight eye shaped swelling and wound between my eyebrows - was instead a tick bite and I caught some disease. Or maybe, it's change in temperature or weather..or maybe, that's how I always feel when am at home and there that's where I have resumed... Or maybe I am depressed and sad and that's why don't feel like doing anything but sleep. Well, matter of three days. I too wish to be back to my energetic self.

There is a song going on back of my mind ...

'Haq jatata hai Jo humie pe...

Rehna chahta hai Jo zameen pe'...

Well, don't remember the lyrics. Possibly, even here the second line is self created. Ha ha!

So, wanna go upstairs? Else, I will pass out here itself, for now am on my own bed. And it doesn't take much to make me sleep.

Let's go then.

Off! The weather is so pleasant outside! Why was I even sitting inside for walls. I should. Har come out earlier itself. But then, home alone is after all home alone - and that should be well respected.

Aah! My blue star.