Tuesday, June 11, 2024

Ghetto love!




Beyond popular lit hubs 

Beyond capitalistic buds

I prefer downtown life

Those semi lit corners 

Where real art thrives

Where exchange is of creativity 

And people breath at ease

Where multiple times 

And many colors 

Coexist 

Co-create 

Collaborate

Collide! 

Where ragas flow free

And techno stays alive! 

Where beats and words 

Play with the same tempo! 

Where strings and brushes 

Flow in the same flow! 

The artists' hub! 

Places where tourists have no reach. 

Where regulars often meet. 

With vibes of numerous shades 

And music opening various gates 

Of sub concious 

At times making one anxious 

At times bringing in peace. 

Magical and chaotic at the same time 

Serene and a Warfield 

In a synched rhyme! 

The attics. 

The downtown. 

Where there is no up or down. 

No differenciation. 

No discrimination. 

Emancipation. 

Creation. 

An emotion! 



Monday, April 1, 2024

9 Wine

 



April 1, 2024

Delhi

9 PM


Hey love, Welcome to a star-lit night. Sip a cinnamon, vannilla, saunf fused coffee and smell the paulo-sento and lavander spread upon me.... 

It's a usual night and that's what makes it unusual... For most of my life goes extra ordinary ... And the rare times when I get to live it normally in city, with not many ups and downs; it itself becomes my own extraordinary.... For living at home becomes a new kind of pulling myself out of my personal comfort zones, despite of endless comforts at home. 

Would you believe, even till morning I tried my level best to go to Himachal. Thing is, I neither had strength, nor mood to go anywhere. A five months' long trip of Goa, Arambol has kind of tired me and a month long fever after Bangalore trip has weakened me a bit. And I just want to rest. 

Had we met even a month ago, it would have been on Goa. Had I been able to implement my plans, we could have met in Kasar Devi, Uttarakhand or Pulga with -16 degrees or Manali with -1. Yet, here we are in Delhi. And though Delhi is gradually gaining springy summer, but I feel chilly even here for I have returned after a long time from Goa. 

Right now, I have hopped to a neighborhood terrace .. and the city is still alive. 

Had even considered meeting you in the morning... For am most alive either at night or early morning.  But 9 PM seemed better than AM .. and darkness seems more personal and honest than bright daylight .   Here we are. In my most comfortable clothes, at the safest place in the world - my home, upon the terrace of my society, below numerous stars - We! 

9:09

Glad! We are on same page already. 

Let me play music and make it more ambient and romantic. 


So, I did wish for us to meet somewhere else, in a better landscape for us to have a creative outblast; for me to have an epic milestone, to capture yet another place weaved in my words.... But then, that would have been a bit artificial. It was just not coming from inside. This is where I am right now. I want to rest. A bit tired of my constant travels. Seek my home now somewhere in the world. Living the most of whatever connection I have left to my own home, and reviving my strength after surviving outside for most of my life.... 

Oh, I did loads of gigs this time in Goa. That was a massive milestone for me. A few years back, I had chosen to give more value to the Vibe Weaver than Mystical Wanderer self of mine. Had consciously placed music after travel in my goals. And this trip finally helped reach somewhere in my dreams. To perform is a different kind of high..where people get immersed in your voice, dance to the tune of your instrument and connect to your soul from their emotions and souls. And the most touching are those moments when someone gets tears in their eyes by listening to your voice. Once, I forgot my own lyrics, so much my attention shifted to a woman's silent tears in the audience and so much that I wished for her to heal.

'Sing us a song you are the piano-man

When we are all in a mood for a melody

You got us feeling all right'


And not just to perform, Goa offered crazy artists to listen to and learn from. One such guy was a European guy. He had magic in his fingers. The way he played directly hit my soul. In side my soul, I used to trance just upon his instrumental music. And there were many others too - often teaching exactly what I needed to learn at any moment. Goa this time was sheer dive into music along with nature ofcourse. 


Last year I was exploring Chamba while connecting with 10. You are 9 - a magical number for me, an individual energy. 


I love this number 9. Am sure, you would be a magical portal for me. Effortlessly. For right now, I seriously have no strength to put in any efforts in any direction. Have done enough. It's time to reap. It's time to channelise. It's time to just be and let cosmos bring the destined best for me! 


'Forever trust in who we are

And nothing else matters.

Never care for what they do

Never care for what they know

But I know'


Yesterday I had a crazy dream. Silver was sitting with his son near me. His son wanted to learn solar system from me and had full faith in my ability. I did try teaching him, but I was more concerned about a trip I had to undertake. And I woke up with this guilt of not giving the child my best for I had to go. That was another reason for me to stay back. I wanted to do my duty. I don't know what is that. Something within says, the world is in my hands, I just have to be. And I don't need to run anywhere for anything. 

Also, it's after years that Silver came in my dream or thoughts. That gave me a mild joy. I want him to be happy wherever that he is. I know he is happy. It was quite surprising to see his dream. More like it was soul's way of guiding me. 


'Its getting dark, too dark to see

Feel I'm knocking on Heaven's door'


9:36

Aah! My magical number. Universal digits. 


Aah! I also did lot many tarot readings back in Goa. That too was quite a wonderful experience. For each time, we guide others, there's some form of guidance in it even for our own selves. 


Ample of stars visible tonight. They always transcend me to some other world. My blue star. 


This time, I met with an Irish guy in Goa. His name was Michael. Core therapy for my soul. Our long walks and talks by the sea below stars were all magic. He heard me like no one before. I don't know why and how, but I shared with him things about my life that I had never shared even with myself before. He became a walking diary of my life -  a biography that I could never and would never write. Yet he knows it all and I am thankful for that. Also, it's the first time that I opened up so much to any foreigner. Realised, not much is different regardless of boundaries. People are the same everywhere. And with him, our connection was sheer magic. Such peace in his presence, patience in his demeanor and loads of laughter and free speech in our connection. Ofcourse with numerous magical moments, shooting stars, meteor shower, manifestation of perfect moments, bonfires, stealing into random cafes for a spot middle of night... It was adventurous and sheer love. 

He seemed like my blue star. A magical friend with best of intentions for me. And so did I feel for him. The purest of platonic love with deep friendship in a short span of time. 

My Archangel Michael. 


There were two more friends that became significant in this trip. They had a tiny shop there in Arambol. Each night we used to have dinner together. They used to wait for me and only cook if I used to go. We watched movies together, laughed together, sang, fought, laughed, shared .. it was a connection my soul was thirsty for - deep innocent connections from purest of hearts. Lighthearted time with purity, love,  and willingness to be together. I though keep boundaries there to protect myself from it turning into limerance. 


But I had M as my limurance. Thankfully I am out of it. I think these two friends helped me close my past chapters as well. For Goa otherwise was filled with memories of M and Shasha and all my soul tribe. To be there and not miss them was impossible. But because these two friends were there. They helped me create new memories and be in my present with my hundred percent self. Though M was M and Shasha was Shasha. But yeah, they are no more in my life. And present is present. 


'This is the end

I have drowned and dreamt this moment

So overdue I owe them

Swept away I'm stolen 

Let the Skyfall 

When it crumbles 

We'll stand tall 

Face it all together 

At Skyfall!' 


'Never mind I'll find 

Someone like you'


This morning, when I had almost packed my bag for Manali, my eyes landed upon my book shelf and I felt, even if I don't travel right now, I can travel through books and still meet with you. 

Thing is, I wanted to carry so much this time. Even my laptop! Ofcourse my uke and books and so many clothes. Aah! It seemed impossible to carry my entire room. I travel light always. But there was just so much that I wanted to do. Even if, I had strength to do nothing. And it seemed difficult to choose just one or two things to pursue - like I usually do. 

So I decided to stay back. 


Do you know what I really wished for this morning. A childhood summer vacation. Like join swimming and driving classes . And read, paint, stitch, do craft work - just create anything - at home. 


But I fail to find that peace anymore at home. And also, that remaining childlike is judged if you fail to be an adult in societal definition. All though I find myself way more mature and responsible in loads of things that society still needs to learn. Nonetheless I was embraced and the decision to stay back was rather admired. Also my decision to go was supported. Glad, finally I am at this position. 


10:10


'I won't run,

I won't hide

I only want to live

To live my life.

I'm the ruler of my world.'


Alright love, catch you tomorrow. This is but the first meet. Gradually we'll get to know each other better. Though 9 is powerful number totally representing individuality..and that's what we will be. A powerful individual. 


Loads of love! 


'Only you can set my heart on fire...

I'll let you set the pace

Coz my I'm not thinking straight 

My head's spinning around 

I can't see clear anymore 

What are you waiting for...

So, love me like you do!' 

.........


April 2, 2024

Delhi

9 PM

Hey love! Have woken up just some time back. Could manage to quickly fix a coffee, dress up and come on terrace. My safe place. My heaven! This corner specially feels more my own. For it is another terrace - to be reached when I seek to escape the world. 


'She will be loved'


All my life I have lived with 'fight or flight' reaction to situations. Raised in a narcissistic household, that was meant to happen. And flying monkeys still impact my life for they don't know. They come with love. So does my own home. Yet how do people fail to consider feelings of those they claim to love the most. Well, I know where I stand. I just wish I had another home. Another life. 

Yet I also feel grateful. For God blessed me with so much and so many that others don't have. And I feel bad to not value all that enough at times. Yet the mind that I am given and this heart and ofcourse the experiences that trigger my reactions or feelings... 

I now have clarity. I understand why I am the way I am. Thing is, I can't change others. Not can I change my past. I can only observe, understand, reflect and not react anymore. For now I know.

It has been my own choice - isn't it? Each soul choses it's life! Mine was an excess love with narcissistic bug. Aah! Sweet poison! 

Here people were craving to hug me, to greet me, to love me - knowing fully well - that it all hurts me. The wall drawn is more for my own security. For I flow when in love. Either I trust, or I don't. And when I do, I hope for hundred percent loyalty. And Wish for the same amount of love. Not conditional, nor abusive, not complicated. But simple and deep and with communication. And I hate arguments. And I hate naivity. While these are all innocent people and they all love me deeply. But they are flying monkeys and being back in contact would mean adversely impacting my life. I can't do that. 


Part of loving is also to stay distant - specially if your presence hurts your own loved ones. Why do people fail to understand such a simple thing. 


Boundaries should be respected. Until you are willing to go the extra mile and really wish to be together with 1000% self. And even then, one must consider if the other is willing or interested. Or if it would rather be better to live from a distance. 


I was expecting to meet you bare tonight. Had fully decided to be dripping wet post bath, with fuming aromatic essential oils around and us flowing upon music and thoughts. Well, that's why I don't plan! All my dreams come true, never my plans. 

Oh, I was also supposed to go visit Red Fort with a friend this morning. He woke up late and by that time, I had lost interest. 

Should we go to Manali? Atleast life would be more interesting there and I will be more active. 


I feel so low in energy these days that it feels as if someone has access to all my energy. All this began ever since I returned from Bangalore. Maybe my ex-bestie did something on me. Or maybe some other jealous energy. But a fever that goes on even after a month is not normal. And being so low in energy is also not normal. And these unusual hunger pangs also are not my way of life. Aah! Why am I here. Or if I am, why can't I be resourceful and grateful? Instead, my mind becomes my enemy here and my body doesn't support me. Weird know! 

Mahadev is there with me. Also my spirit guides and angels. Nothing can impact me until I let it. And my cosmos is way more powerful than any of these shallow jealous energies. 


'Ye jeena bhi hai jeena kya bhala

Thami hain sansein, 

Mann bhi hai bhujha 

Hai Dil lagane ki ye saza

Koi Dil lagaye na'. 


My soul remains thirsty for pure love, authentic connections, peaceful place... I in the best of my spirit. I miss my best self. 


'Na ab hai koi raasta 

Jo mujhe ko de de manzilein 

Bhari thin chahaton se jo 

Wo ab nahi hain mehfilein'


I crave to go to Kalath to heal this skin issue that I am carrying for past one month. Today I applied ganga jal upon it. For sacred water is the best remedy for anything evil. And I know it is all evil eye. 


If only it was allowed to have my own home in Himachal. Aah! Once I was even ready to die to be born again in Himachal. That's my soul's home. I wish I had a home in old Manali. And I wish it had Pushkar like satsangs around. 


Same like once I wished for Delhi to be green like Bangalore filled with boulevards and intellectual people. 


Yet, each place has its own beauty and authenticity. And nowhere that you get it all. Likewise with people. Each has his own limitations and qualities. And none can have it all. 

That's the beauty of life. And that's what teaches us to value and appreciate uniqueness in various abstracts! 


I be a camouflage of all. A medley. A loop in timelines. A fusion, a craft! 


My dream house is upon mountains by a river. With all walls hand painted by me. And lot of greenery. Herbal Plants and seasonal flowers. With every ounce of the home vibrant and filled with magic and life. With its own fireplace. Just like shown in European houses. With aroma of cakes and cookies. Loads of essential oils and aromatic fragrances. Melodies and instruments. Love. 


'But loving you had consequences.'


Ofcourse with glass walls. Loads of Sun and wind for the house. With rain visible. Even snow if possible. 

And bird feeders in the portico. 

Ofcourse a tiny garden outside with a swing and hammock. 

And my own dog. Even cat if possible. And a tiny aquarium. That's a must. 

I love aquariums. They bring such positive energy in any house. 


Another of my dreams is to have my own cafe in Himachal. A vibrant place filled with life. With tables like Laddakhi culture. With mattress to relax and sit on. Loads of white sheets and colors for people to paint or flow. Loads of books on one corner. All walls ofcourse hand-painted. With best of coffee and cakes possible. Something to be afforded for all income groups. And I will also do tarot card readings for those interested there. Ofcourse live music every evening. By others also myself. For I now can build the vibes as well. Ofcourse long way to go. And one side I can also sell my art pieces - ranging from macrame jewellery to canvas arts to all experiments when it comes to art. And a corner to sell Himalayan plants in hand crafted vases - as mementos to be carried to their cities by visiters. 

And ofcourse I wish to write books in that cafe and sell them successfully. Aah! My dream life. 


My entire body is paining today. And I feel like getting someone to walk all over me. Or press those pressure points that are not even letting me breath. Maybe I slept in a wrong position. Ha ha! Imagine to even sleep incorrectly. Lol. 


'Mai nai jaana 

Khedeya de naal'


When would I stop oscillating between outside and inside. And why do I do that? And yet nothing seems to give me joy anymore. Where does it end? What's the point? Till when would this go on? This fight or flight! When would I find my purpose? When would the time get right? When would I be able to let down my walls? When would I be able to trust again? 

Only you can show me the way - dear divine. 

You know the way. You are my light! 


Oh, last night, after our meet, I had Aru's dream. He was so caring and caressed me. Weird. 

How I am getting dreams of so many old friends. And I haven't even been thinking about any of them. Maybe cosmos is soothing me in dreams to assure me that I am not alone. That am well taken care of. That I am loved. And that there is after all light at the end of even this tunnel. 


I wish I be able to get a great publisher for both my books on Pushkar and Chamba. My dream is penguin. Aah! Why don't I have contacts. both the books are seriously epic. I have such huge hopes from them. Majorly I feel as if world can learn so much if people read them. I gave both the books my all. And so wish for them to reach the world. How can that happen. Please show me the way love. Help me collaborate with the right people. Find a good agent for me. Help me publish them from Penguine. Ofcourse Chamba one is in hindi. I would have to get it published by some other way. But Pushkar one is seriously an epic. It has such great scope. 


I am a writer. And I write. That's what I am best at. Can't really serve anyone in any job. Can't flatter people or boost their egos. I create. Am a creator. And I need a manager. For collaborations or finding right useful people is not my thing. I just create. Am earth. Am fire. Am water. Air is what I lack. And only you can provide me that. 


10.10

Hope it manifests. 


Loads of love. 

Good night my love! 


See you tomorrow! Mmmuuuaah! 

.........


April 3, 2024

9 PM

Hey love, just give me a minute. Let me go upstairs and then we'll be together.

Alright yo! Here we are. Delhi has become quite hot today. Or maybe I am finally better - health wise. I am upon my own terrace today because there is a high probability of people visiting the other one. So, here we are. I woke up an hour ago, just to take a bath and meet you refreshed... Yet here we are...Still meeting at the verge. Yet glad we could enter the portal. 

I will still take some time to smooth in. Still feeling dazed somehow. 


'Would you dance if I asked you to dance ....

Would you save my soul tonight ...

Hold me in your arms tonight!'


Last night, I heard a lot many other meanings of number 9 in a Tarot reading. 9 is a number of completion. Of moving to New grounds. Of wrapping up old cycles. 

Also that 9 is a digit in my own birthday, for it happens on 29th. We have always been connected love. 

To me, 9 seems magical. A witchy number. A fairy portal. Though, it has been quite ordinary for past two three days - now that am exploring it. Well, we still have a month to go. 

If I put in efforts maybe, we can get the desired outcome. Yet, my energy levels are going crazy these days. One night I feel like packing up and leaving for one or other direction - all charged up to make us the best. And the next morning logic pops up or my own mind makes excuses to not do whatever I plan the previous night. 


'Khwaishon ki chahat mein

Tu khud ko hi kho gya hai'


Usually, if I begin a blog at a certain place, I ensure to write it in the same city for the entire month. Yesterday I asked myself, this rule is also self made, but why did I make it. 

Shakespeare had mentioned this about writing a good play - it needs unity of time, place and one setting. 

But it is not a play. 

Another reason was to explore a place's energy in its entirety. But I have already written more than couple of blogs here in Delhi itself. 

So I gave myself reasons. Have named our meets Nine Wine. And Wine can be flavorful. Why not go to all the places instead and create a fine blend of best spots. Create a wine of my life with right amount of ordinary and extraordinary, devotion, healing, adventure, music ..  balance of individuality and collaboration. 

Well, all in my mind so far .. as I am hardly acting upon it as yet. 


'Kaise jee rha hai

Tu kaise jee rha hai'


I am also understanding why I have become so disinterested in life. The way I am personally designed is so - that whoever I get attracted to - regardless of I actually getting any close to that person or not, I acquire the person's qualities and attributes. 


'Wise man say

Only fools rush in 

But I can't help 

Falling in love with you'


So the guy I got last attracted to in Goa - was so sage like and so disillusioned in life that while trying to heal him, to instill his interest in life; I instead learned not putting in any efforts and allow life to be effortless. 

But I have been a go-getter. I put in efforts. And that's where my mind and heart are conflicting. I wish to experiment his way of life. To manifest and attract without any desperation. For he never put in any efforts towards me and yet it was I again and again going towards him, getting more interested and curious. Yet I also felt not equally valued by him for he never put in efforts and rather took it as his ego or disinterest. 

And so this thought also pops up in my mind. On one had, I would love life to be attracted towards me, instead of I trying to control it. But what if it feels that I am just not interested or not valuing it enough. Quite a possibility. 


Still, it's fun to experiment. 

To live a bit from other's perspective. Maybe have a new shade to my entity. There must be a reason even for it. 


'Nahi seedhi, nahi saadhi 

Koi mujhko na behlaaye 

Zara dekho, haan dekho 

Meri paayal baaje jaaye'


'Raza hai kya teri 

Dilo jahan tabaah kiya

.. Kahan Kahan 

Firun Mai dhoondta'


I have just been feeling like being with only myself. Not talk to anybody. Not let my energy or decisions be impacted by anybody. 

And that is what I have been doing. Solo energy. Lot of contemplation. And also bit of boredom. 


Oh, I did read a few pages from two three books. One was 'Story of Philosophy' - read Nietzsche's ideas and about his life. Aah, Don't remember much to quote from. The only line I remember when it comes to him is 'Chaos is the birth of a dancing star'. I will write tomorrow onwards to share with you. 

I do remember that his life resonated a bit with me as well. I could understand why he became who he became. Oh, and that he connected tragedy with music. 

Even Michael had recommended that book to me back in Goa. Would try to read it whenever I get it. 


'Mohabbat ke safar

Ka raahi umr bhar 

Mai ban jaunga agar

Tu ho raasta'


Aah! It's drizzling. Each time I mention Michael that it rains. He surely is an angel in my life. For I love rain. 


'Aa lag ja tu gale 

Rahe na koi asar

Mai bhi kuch sanwar jaunga

Hoga Tera asar'. 


The day he was leaving, we hugged upon the beach at 3:30 AM. It was the purest of embraces. And a golden moment for me. In few days he had become such a big confederate, a close and warm friend. Without even saying much. 

I hope he gets love and joy in his life. And even after going to Ireland, he is always there - whenever I need him. Such a humble soul. A pure soul. 


'We are just one big family'


I don't know why this word 'family' annoys me whenever people outside call any gathering or connections as family. I prefer to not name relations or connections. 


'It can not wait 

I am yours'


This song reminds me of Silver and our connection. The music, those Bangalore lanes, our explorations. 


I was wondering why am unable to flow like my usual blogs when it comes to you. One reason can be that I wrote a huge diary - all five months in Goa. Also that I had friends to share so much with in last two three months. 

And past few years I had been such a big time loner that I used to have so much to share. And all that used to outpour in my blogs. And this time, I have already written, shared so much at so many places. And we are meeting at a creative barren phase of mine. The time was just not good. May it be in terms of my energy level or the will to open up or share. 

Yet when you date time, you got to respect and value all of its phases. And I prefer to be myself - good or bad, in my best or worst form. So here I am. Meeting you. As me. Hope together we do create magic. 


'Listening to the wind of change'


'Take me to the magic of the moment 

On a glory night 

Where the children of tomorrow

Dream away

In the wind of change'


Oh, last night I heard my own gigs' videos after our date. Realised, that I was way more critical about them back then. That I wasn't that bad. Rather, now with a critical distance, I was my own audience. And the music totally swayed me, made me emotional - not because I was singing it, but by the flow of music and lyrics itself. And that boosted such confidence in me. 

Maybe, I do have hope in music after all. 


That's such a big time dream of mine. To release my own album - of self written songs in my own voice. 

Once there was a guy who called me all the way to Delhi from Bangalore and promised to create an album together. Later he was like 'Marry me and only then would I make an album with you.' lol. I was like, I won't marry you just to release an album. 

How do people lack maturity at that massive a level. Ha ha. 

Well, I did marry music later on. Not marriage but loved for sure. Still do. 

Let's see how our relations grows. 

No pressure. But yeah, hopes! 


'Nazuk nazuk si

Pyaari pyaari si

Mere jeene ki aas ho'. 


And I am sure, just like I love music so much...  Music too must have atleast some love for me. I may not be the best when it comes to music. But I sing from my soul. And I have this dream and desire from inside ofcourse fuelled by divine. There must be a reason for it. Maybe past life. Maybe what's destined. 


Only time will tell. 

But they say, 'What you want, also wants you.' 


And so I hope. 


10:10

Oh, I now remember a bit about Nietzsche's life. So he was named after a king 'Friedrick'. Had religious upbringing. Was called a saint by his friends for he often preached morality to his peers and was therefore considered a bit abnormal. His first love was God. Later he got disenchanted and wanted to explore athism. Got into drinking, drugs and women. Realised after two years that it was all superficial and rather corroded his thinking. So moved on. He then shifted to country side - away from hustle bustle of city - to write poems in nature and peace. But then, a war came up. And though he wasn't physically very strong, yet a sense of duty towards country made him join army. Couldn't last there for he got injured. Yet he gained this respect for military for he no more couldn't join them. Whatever he couldn't do, he used to respect that. Later he wrote that connection of tragedy and music in collaboration with another writer. The book was so fashioned as a conversation. Where a musician wrote his views in sonnets followed by dialogues of a philosopher as a remark upon Sonnet. 

Nietzsche had a huge connection to music and though he wasn't great at it, yet always laid huge emphasis upon music being vital to any human's life and growth. 

That's what I remember right now. Ha ha. Not even a single quote that I loved. 


Another book that I am reading is 'Thibking big'. The book claims that society is so designed to ensure that most of the people remain in mediocrity. That it is not impossible to become cream. One just needs to think big. Not restrict oneself when it comes to dreaming. If we will invest our time and energy in smaller things then we will always remain mediocre. To do big, one must dream big. 

Have only read two three pages so far. Will update you, if I read more. Lol. 

I don't know why, I find self help books extremely boring. 

I instead love fiction to read. That keeps me captivated. 


And though I love philosophy, but these days, even that seems heavy. I am more in a mood to do some light reading. Maybe a novel or so. But then my mind tells me that am wasting my time for I have read thousands of such books all my life. How is it adding in to my life. 

Yet I read somewhere today, that whenever we read, it is never a wastage of time. For books nourish out mind and soul. And I totally agree with it. 


Alright love! Talk to you tomorrow. Good night for now. 

Love. Mmuuuaah ... 


.......


April 4, 2024

Delhi 

9:21


Hey love, have just woken up. So sorry. I got late. Wait! Let me just get ready and go to terrace.


Aah! I don't like getting late for my dates ever. Would you believe I even woke up an hour back. Put my phone to get charged and then passed out. I should probably have woken up there and then. 


It's getting difficult to type with an eye close. Lol. My retina is still trying to adjust. Both the light and this sudden exposure to light. 


Today was a self care day for me. I oiled my hair, took care of my skin. Was so feeling like trimming my hair. Then realised today is Ekadashi. Also, maybe it would be better to trim them on Full Moon post the upcoming solar eclipse. 


Aah! I also need to run to the market tonight. For I am out of smokes. That is how time works. Either you would have it tonight excessively and won't just know what all to do or else, everything falls together. 

Right now I am feeling like being out in the market fetching stuff, freshening up to open my eyes better up, and be up opon terrace with a coffee cup - all at the same time. Maybe we will make out night different today. Maybe we will do them all tonight! And will stretch our meet night long. That's what I feel like every night. Because by the time of our meet ups, the world is still awake and I be sleepy. But late at night there happens way more peace and I be way more awake. Even early morning. It is at that time that so many ideas pop up and I actually feel like talking with you. 

But ofcourse, you are you. 

So far, our meet ups too have been a bit boring - just like my life these days. 

Why do I get my self to this mental prison each time? No comments! 


Let's go out. Take care of things and be together for long time tonight. There are unwelcomed relatives at home again tonight. 

And I don't want to listen to their voice. So, let's just go. 


Alright yo, have quickly changed and now we are moving towards the market. It's a short experiment as well. I would like to know how would it be if I continue our blogs even as I travel. 


Also, this brisk walk is helping me deal with my anger. I am really furious right now. Its not easy being with narcissists. They intentionally try out your boundaries and do things that would hurt you for sure. 

Anyway, that's my test. I just don't know why do I keep coming back for the same test - at home. 

Why don't I just stay outside. It would be epic to have my own home and never gave to come back here. 


Ok... Give me some time. Time to shop.

Alright! Change of plans. Let's just go outside and sit in a park. 


Alright then! We are in a park. It's been more than a month I have been anywhere. I had never expected to sit tonight over here. But hey! Why not? Just that it is a bit open. And I prefer that solitariness that the other rooftop of my society offers. Also music. For I don't have my airpods right now. And there is still traffic and noise upon road beside. 

But let's just be! I am not even absorbing the ambience as if now. Let's! 

Well, there were noodles spread upon the bench I sat upon and there was puddle below it. My feet and trouser are both dirty. That is why I hate going anywhere outside in Delhi. People have no sense of cleanliness or hygiene. And dirty surrounding impacts me way adversely. 


Now am sitting somewhere else in the same park. But it is dusty and hot. Let's just go back..we will sit upon rooftop..that's our place. And would also offer undisturbed longetivity. 

I will also prepare a good coffee. Let's go. 

Notheless, it feels nice to be out and walking after so long. This boulevard lane beside my society always makes me feel good. Had you been a person, we would have taken strolls all around. I love night walks. 

 Miss Michael as I say that. 

Would it rain? Who knows! 


Am back home yo! It's weird, how as people grow up, their topic of conversation becomes so limited. Like what they are and how they processed it. And they talk about it with such huge interest as if that is the most important thing for them and so interesting to anyone listening to it; failing to realise how less of an interest anyone else can have in it. 


My first sweat here in Delhi. Aah! A tiny walk made me feel normal. Atleast I felt the growing heat. Otherwise 37 degrees would have e been unlivable for me. Yet here I had been thriving temperature wise. For I still had fever and therefore still didn't find it hot at all. 

How our internal environment or temperature plays a vital role in deciding our comfort level in external. 


10:34

Aah! Finally am back on terrace. Upon my spot. Aah! With coffee. Aah! How much I was craving for these moments, this spot. Even my rooftop was filled with people - every terrace on my way till here. But yeah! Also met good Neighbors and had a conversation with a couple. There are rare people I gel with. Rarer that I interact with my soul, time and energy. It felt good though - to talk to someone. 

That lady is so nice and so is her husband. They always make me feel welcome here unlike a few others who never leave a chance to throw in a sarcasm or two. As such, most of the people love me and miss me. And are nice to me. The ones who pass sarcasm too either are jealous of my lifestyle or are more sensitive to my family's side for I live majorly outside. 


They have not lived at my home. They don't understand the tip notch subtle psychological attacks. They don't understand spiritual politics. They don't know the burden of handling victimhood or complexes.


It's crazy how the entire universe is either bullied or bullies - including nature - though that's for their food, not power. Yet power is Who's food probably. And fame too. Or manipulation are mere tactics for it, just like hunting techniques or carnivorous animals. 


10:42

I had even applied alarm this evening to ensure our meet on time, yet maybe because of its low volume or I being deep in sleep; I couldn't hear it. I die when I sleep generally and nothing reaches my ears until I naturally wake up. It's a boon I feel, for I can therefore sleep anywhere. And, if I am really sleepy, I can even sleep while standing or sitting - mid air. Ha ha! 


Alright! So let's play some music. Let's get to the groove of our meet. 


Tonight is Ekadashi and therefore have played Pushkar's satsangs' voice recordings. I have been missing these satsangs like anything. And it all seems so far off - those nights, that devotion, the bliss in it. 


That's one demerit of travelling. You can't be everywhere yet so many places live in you so alive - as part and parcel of your soul. 


People in Pushkar really love me. Not all. Majorly it's a patriarchal society. But I could inspire women to express. And so many that inspired me there to express as well. It's a place so rich in culture and art forms of all kinds. 


This bhajan feels like a dip in Ganga or Pushkarraj. Aah! So healing. that too lead by one of my favorite person's there. Ofcourse with all my bhakti group there. Because my eyed used to be closed in most of the satsangs. I recognise all of their voices. And I can identify their voices distinctly even in a group's voice. They all are mine and I am their's. My soul tribe. My bhakti group. 


I think I fell in love with satsangs for naani used to take me for kirtans back in my childhood. And I was the only child in family whom she took and who went there weekly with her willingly. That's what connects me to Pushkar the most - satsangs. Ekadashi and Purnima therefore still makes me excited - for two years these two three events each month - used to be my core therapy, highest form of music, connection with other kindred spirits, group activity and connecting with divine. 


'Le le apni lakuti kamariya

Bahautahi naach nachayo re

Soordaas sab pihasi yashoda

Bas har kanth lagayo re'


11:01

Aah! Another of my favourite bhajans. 


'Shiv bhola bhandari mere baba

Mahadev bhandari'


See, that's the impact of bhajans - it silences my over-active mind and brings peace to my soul. Now am thoughtless. Aah! Peace! 


11:11

There was an aloevera plant that I had found outside Gayatri temple in Pushkar. I had other plants as well there, but this one aloevera plant I couldn't part with and brought it to home. Today I had applied that plant's gel itself upon my face. Whenever I feel that I need healing, I take its blessings by eating a tiny part of it or applying it. It's rare though. The plant has really bloomed here. Another banana plant also that I had brought from there. But it's just there. This Aloevera plant seems like goodness energy. And I totally believe that it's Gayatri maata herself. That was the first mantra btw that I had learned. I was two when momsha taught me that mantra. And by 2.5 that I used to chant it. There were few years when that mantra always used to be on the tip of my tongue. Like always. And no matter what I used to do, the chanting used to go on back of my mind somewhere. Now it doesn't happen as much. 

And now am more closer to Mahadev and therefore Om Namah Shivaya comes up more naturally when am scared or happy or stimulated in any way. 

And I greet by Ram Ram or Har Har Mahadev in right vibes with appropriate people in apt environment. 


Time to change to music. 


'Haan pyaar hai 

Ye pyaar hai 

Ye Jaan le

Ye Maan le'. 


My Tarot readings are funnily rapidly mentioning my marriage these days. That someone is really wishing to get married to me and is about to propose me. Lol. The very thought scares me. One, I just don't want to get married. The very thought of relationships scare me. Love is another thing. It's pure, it's willing, it's giving. Relations have expectations and therefore disappointments. Relations bring drama and therefore I avoid them. 


Also, one thing has been clear in my life. I wish to be independent at every level. Want my own home, have stable income, live a life beyond needs or wants and on my own terms.... And only after am satisfied with my personal goals that I may involve anyone else in it romantically. 


There too, I have more emotional needs than physical or social. Been years have actually been intimate with anyone. I just don't feel like it anymore. None seems worth it. After all, it's an exchange of energy. And even socially. Most of the guys I connect with while travelling - seem equally lost. And what's the point of being with anyone if I have to stay masculine even there. I can take myself out for dates or plan up trips or do whatever I desire. I love my own company. Don't want to mother these grown up children. 

Society has not really done that well when it comes to men. They all seem grown up boys - filled with unnecessary rage, insecurity, hollow ego and uncalled femininity. It would have been different had their femininity was then being in touch with their emotions. But it is instead weirdly them demanding or expecting princess treatment. And I have never been able to flatter or boost anyone's ego. 


And not about anyone else. It's more about me. I do seek romantic connection at times, but the cost is too much. And now, my expectations also have increased. I would like a man to lead, to take decisions, to bring out my feminine self. A balanced person at peace with his own life to handle both his own life and also support mine with patience and love. And so would I do for him emotionally or logically. But a relation makes sense only if I be able to be my feminine self and the guy is balanced and majorly masculine. Not by looks per day but by behaviour. Can't mother children. 

And way before that, I want to create the life I desire for myself. 


Even then, I don't think I would ever want to get married. The very thought seems imprisoning. My freedom is the most crucial for me in my life. Freedom to be. 


Most of the relations (blood or otherwise) in my life have been controlling, demanding, emotionally unstable or even abandoning. I don't have much respect for relations per day. And I don't like to sacrifice, thought that is what I do when it comes to people I love. And therefore I just don't love or get into any relation with anyone; for I don't want to lose myself. 


I do have a healthy definition of an ideal connection though. And maybe, when I would have created my dream life and would be at peace with myself; I may manifest the kind of relation I desire. But not before that. Won't settle just for the heck of it. That is for sure. 


11:35

'Abhi uthi hun neend se

Tumhara khwaab dekh ke

Abhi tum ek khwaab ho

Abhi bas ik hijaab ho

Mai choo ke tum ko dekh lun

Ki sach mei mere paas ho

Mujhe thi jis ki justaju

Wahi meri talaash ho

Abhi to is talaash ka

Mila koi sila nahi... 

Abhi na jao chor kar

Ki Dil abhi bhara nahi'


Ha ha! A guy in Pushkar had played this song the day I was leaving Pushkar. Or so I thought that maybe he had played. It was more my mental weaving most probably. My fantasy world. For anyone interested wouldn't have behaved the way he did. 


One result of traumatic upbringing is that we find emotionally unavailable guys to be normal, rather better. For any lack of drama becomes utopia. And by gaining just that guy's love, we may become lovable in our own eyes. Weird how psychology works. The self love required is misdirected at all the wrong sources. Trauma bonds. 


And therefore, until, I don't heal myself entirely... No more get attracted towards such emotionally unavailable people, nonmore get triggered by my past or feed into narcissists people's egos and rather learn to be healthy independent happy self ... I don't want another burden of a relation. 


'Jahan bhi hai tu 

Khush toh hai na? 

Jahan bhi rahe 

Khush hi rehna'


'Kabhi mere khwaab sa

Kabhi uljhe jawab sa

Ki Chanda mei bhi daag sa

Mere jaisa tu'


This evening I had decided to meet you without sleeping. Was awake till 6:30 PM. Was rather planning to go on terrace and play

Uke for a bit. But then I passed out. These days finally am back on 3-4 hours of sleep per day. But that's why I couldn't wake up on time maybe for our meet. Or who knows! 


I don't like getting late for anything, specially for my dates with time. For that would be disrespecting time. But know that I had no such intention. That I really love and respect you and so wanted to be on time for our meet. 


Aah! My hair feel so soft tonight. I feel like smelling their fragrance and just running my fingers endlessly through them. Ha ha! It's a good hair day for sure. That champi served it's purpose. Also the hairwash. Freshly washed hair have their own magic. The aroma and feel. The softness and freshness. They even bring a strange shine to the face. Ha ha. 

I feel good. 


11:59

Alright my love! Will catch you tomorrow. Sorry for the ups and downs of tonight. Hope we meet on more peaceful grounds and awake tomorrow. Actually today. For it's 12. Lol. 


Loads of love 

Mmmmuuuhh

.............


April 5, 2024

Delhi 

9 PM


Welcome yo! Today I am home alone. Have just had a bath. Carrying aroma of Paula santo and Musk. With supple moisturized skin, in a recent Goa sovereign as a striped dress... 

Though my IBS has bloated me so much these days that it seems more like a frock. Yet, it just feels good. 

Had even prepared coffee to take on terrace, but we can even be here at home and for that we have rose sherbat. 


I have crossed 30 and have been living outside for most of past 12 years.... Yet this thrill that I get whenever I am at home and alone; it's just unparalleled. And though there is nothing special that I do anymore. But just this feeling that I get of relief and freedom..... With family I feel concious to ever express or let out any of my emotions or laugh or create or ever be. And everywhere else, there is always so much to do and hardly that I have my things to experiment. Just at home that I feel safe, have own kitchen, have all my art supplies and have specific spots for various of my art forms practiced in different timelines. At home that I can time travel. At home that I feel concious of any rules to be broken when none is there. But as such no external rules apply to me; not like I ever followed them.... Also, I have created my own rules instead.... And that's why not like I do anything unusual...  But this feels great.... Seriously. 

As if, a huge dark cloud goes off my head. But I also understand that it feels fun because it's occassional. I don't enjoy my freedom anywhere else for its just there. Anything becomes fun only when it is attained with some kind of challange or fate. 


Oh, I filled my room with Lavander fragrance, but am sitting outside. .. for I didn't want to sit inside. . My room is massive and so vibrant but I only feel suffocated there now even if I spend entirety of my days, even months there. But that's my safe space at home. Also, the same room has so many traumatic memories, also cherished time capsules.

Honestly, I have more fond memories of our previous home. And that house itself that comes in my dream as my home. We had shifted here in my teenage. And I have not even a single happy memory here when it comes to home or family. All my rebellious phase, psychological breaks, running away, coming back, constant escapes, struggling to feel home - all that is part of this home. And here I sit in its centre - still not fully home. Still, an outsider yet this is the only place closest to home. 


My body knows each time about what is kept where. My system doesn't even mind and gets re-adjusted to this timeline - despite of staying outside for months or year. And yet, I never feel happy here. Now I understand atleast few of the reasons. 


A couple of early philosophers looked at Christian mysthology from Satan's perspective. That all he did was to follow God's authority and rebelled against unnecessary rules. And therefore, though he was one of the most powerful and wise angels, he was thrown off to hell. Later when he saw Adam and Eve being gifted with all the gifts of the world; he felt furious. And even then, all he did was open knowledge for Eve and Adam. As per the book, the very presence of an apple tree was a flaw for sooner or later they were bound to break the law and eat that apple. Satan was a mere catalyst there. Yet people blame Satan for it. 


Not like I support Satan. But yeah, just that narrative came to mind. Back in college I was a real rebel. Paradise lost was one of my favourite books for the way Milton had glorified Satan in terms of literature was simply mind blowing. 


Likewise, that I read Raavan by Amish in Goa. He had looked at Ramayana from Raavan's perspective. Raavan there was shown with a troubled traumatic child - whose father abhored him for he has a flaw upon his naval. That he along with his mother and brother Kumbakarna were sent out or rather they had escaped to save their lives who were ordered to be killed by their own father. 

That Raavan was a self built man and because of his experiences in life and relations that he kept on becoming distant and earning more and more. And that even in Raavan's life where there were moments when he felt that oang of consciousness - specially for his childhood love/muse - kanyakumari (Seeta's birth mother), when he really decided to change for good.... But circumstances didn't allow him.... For he was destined to become a villian - for society to get their hero as Ram.  


We just feel that things are out choice. Mostly, we are mere puppets of cosmos and destiny. Yet it is that destiny that we create - through our karmas and energetic exchanges. 


Yet each soul before birth itself knows exactly where would it be born, who all would it meet, best parents for a soul's growth, most apt circumstances for its evolutions, situations and circumstances for its life path - and soul choses it all willingly, rather customizes it as per it's willingness to learn and evolve... 

And still we keep on blaming people or circumstances. 

Crazy know! 


What say? Wanna go on terrace still? Mosquitos are annoying me here, for am hardly wearing much. They will be there upstairs as well, but I will be more covered. 


9:33

I wore more clothes and am in my room. House seems earingly silent.


We will go upstairs in some time. Coffee is anyway ready. Am also dressed. Let's just talk here for a bit. 

Issue is with my energy level. God knows what has happened to me. Ever since I have come back, all I want to do is to be upon my bed and not move. I have never even enjoyed reels. Still don't. Crappy content. But I don't want to consume much so don't play anything on laptop. I want to create so much, but don't have the strength for that. And all I do is lie down and pass my time. There seems to be no strength in my spine or soul. It's third time today that I cancelled a trip with in one month. And I never cancel any plan when it comes to travel. I just don't have the strength. 


I read somewhere that maybe it is because of solar eclipse for many other people are also feeling the same all around the world

Hopefully, I will feel better after 8th. Or who knows these are but Ascension symptoms. Or maybe that random overnight eye shaped swelling and wound between my eyebrows - was instead a tick bite and I caught some disease. Or maybe, it's change in temperature or weather..or maybe, that's how I always feel when am at home and there that's where I have resumed... Or maybe I am depressed and sad and that's why don't feel like doing anything but sleep. Well, matter of three days. I too wish to be back to my energetic self. 


There is a song going on back of my mind ...

'Haq jatata hai Jo humie pe... 

Rehna chahta hai Jo zameen pe'...


Well, don't remember the lyrics. Possibly, even here the second line is self created. Ha ha! 

So, wanna go upstairs? Else, I will pass out here itself, for now am on my own bed. And it doesn't take much to make me sleep. 


Let's go then. 


Off! The weather is so pleasant outside! Why was I even sitting inside for walls. I should. Har come out earlier itself. But then, home alone is after all home alone - and that should be well respected. 


Aah! My blue star. 


9:50 

Well, my time and today's date together. 

I had literally decided to leave for Almora Max by 5th. But the cab driver cancelled in morning. And then I thought let's just go to Manali itself. Still, didn't go. 

Well, things would happen at their own divine timing. No point taking any load. 


So, let's play some music yo! 



9:53

Problem with narcissists is that they say all the right things but themselves don't remain consistent with it, or can ever stick to it. Like there is this guy in old Manali. Once, I was low key obsessed with him for I had liked his energy. Later I realised his bread crumbing nature. How he love bombed at times and then ran away. And there was a pattern to it. Initially I was interested . Later he got obsessed. But each time, all he seemed was my body and not me. So we never reached any other level. But we stayed in contact. Each year, atleast twice that we talk. And both feel good about it. But he always leaves a bittersweet taste. Like would love bomb and then vanish. So I avoid hooking any hopes from him or ever considering him at any other level. 

Also, now I am even scared of it. For I have to heal myself and avoid anyone that even seems close to having any narcissistic traits. 

But also, I like it, when I talk to him. At times I feel I must respect everyone and love them for who they are. And each is rather upon my path to be Mirror in my own life.... But I still create boundaries and walls - more to protect myself ... Until I become strong enough to face and meet any and all without getting impacted at all by any or all. 


That guy called me with so much love. I know it's a temptation. But my heart seeks genuine heart filled connections. Where I can just go and be. May not be romantic. Rather preferably, at the level of friendship. But honestly and we'll wishing. Where we heal each other. Or else have fun. Laugh or cry. Simply live life. Or create and collaborate. Use our time. 


10:01


People matching with my frequency and vibe. 


It is forecasted to be snowing tonight in Manali. I so wish to be there. Have atleast the last of snow. But also, not sure, if I would able to handle to cold this time. 


Who knows. I never had to chase snow. Snow and I have a strange connection. it visits me on its own as a surprise and cleanses and heals my soul and spirit and makes love to me. 


Did I tell you, I finally trimmed my hair today. Not too short, but enough to get rid of any negative traces I may have been carrying from Bangalore or Goa. 


10:10

'I have done tripping..

Your love is big enough,

Got me tripping on you'. 


10:11

I love the number 1. It's sign of leadership. Although, when I had explored number 1, it had followed one of the darkest phases of my life. Most depressed. But during my blogs, there were Pompom and Blue as well with me. And later I realised how valueable they were for me. God's gift for sure. 

It is thanks to Pompom that I could ste out of that phase. Yet I do regret returning back. For had I stayed on in Manali, maybe by now life would have been beautifully different. But then, I wouldn't have worked as an assistant director or created memories, or written scripts... Or I wouldn't have got the most cherished year of my life with my family during lockdown time. Or I wouldn't have learned about consciousness or had not been able to heal my dark night of the soul. Or I may not have gone to Pushkar to heal myself. Maybe, everything happens for a reason. And that entire journey was crucial for my growth. 


And who wants to live the same life throughout life anyway. Change is the truth and beauty of life. And I so love it. 


'Apne hi rang mei 

Mujh ko rang de

Dheeme- dheeme rang mei 

Mujh ko rang de'


Alright my love! Good night for now. 

Catch you tomorrow. 

Mmuuuaaah. 


..........


April 6th, 2024

Delhi 

9 PM 


Hey Love! Welcome! I woke up only ten minutes ago and here we are with a freshly brewed coffee, right upon our spot, below a few stars. Am still dazed but glad we could manage to meet on time. The portal has begun perfectly. Am sure, it would be happy. Today was a peaceful and happy day. I was home alone, therefore free active. 

Wait, let me put some music. 

Alright! Done! 

So ya, today I prepped up lip balms. For past two years, I make my own lip balms each time am back home. And this time too, though I had it for atleast next few months; but I wanted to make more. And that's what I did. 

Wanna know the recipe? 


Well, the base is always Vaseline. In that I add on Shia butter, Desi ghee, coconut oil, essential oils like Lavender or Rose or Rosemerry or as per my need and choice.... Earlier one also had cinnamon or coffee .. this time I only repaired that one, for it was too thick because of cinnamon powder. Yet coffee brought a nice brown shade to balm. To the rest of the mixture, I add on various old lipsticks of mine - as per my mood - in tiny amount ofcourse.... 

But this time, the shade and over all balms have come out so refreshing and healing. And while making it, I applied the material so many times upon my lips - that just in a day, my lips have become softer and pinky pinky. 

Ha ha! In nature language, they feel plummer and healthier. 


9:09

Woah! Double you! Live you .


'Subhaan Allah!'


I am also planning to order or create face serum. Though I don't use anything except Aloevera gel upon my face. But ever since I have come back or maybe because of my health, my skin has become a bit dry.... Also back in teenage, when I used to visit parlous atleast for eyebrows or cleansing that I had heard an aunty that women must take care of their skin post 30. 

I never needed to. When I travel, I feel nature itself would heal my skin and take care of it. The fresh air and water I take a dive in, the smile I wear upon my relaxed face would naturally make me pretty and beautiful. 

But yeah, all that apart. Now these days that am taking care of my skin; I feel pampered. The overall feel is great. And why not!! 

So I will take care of even this. 

I always thought that I should instead eat healthier rather than applying anything upon myself. But yeah, it does make an impact. Simply using aloevera for ten minutes makes it so clean and soft the entire day. Imagine regular taking care of  skin. 

And creams and all won't be my choice. Serum is the max I can do beside gel I guess - for beginning.  

There were five six products mentioned on net - as skin care routine. Lol. That simply felt too much. I am sure less is more. And I would rather like my skin to breath. But I can add one more thing. A good serum.. for thay has oils and nourishment for the skin. 


I used to use atleast hair serum back in college time when I had rebounded hair. 'Loreal Liss extream' - that Alam bhaiya (my hair stylist back then) had recommended. I still keep it at home but don't use it. Specially to travel with a glass bottle seems stupid. And that serum doesn't make sense in any other bottle. 


I feel so funny talking about all this. So girly too. I like it. Been so long of being in my masculine energy. I wish to be more in touch with my soft side, the feminine self. The receptor. To whom life came on its own. And she lived with full vague and vigour. 


'aisi bhi Hui thi mujh se kya khata 

Toone jo mujhe di jeeney ki saza'


I miss smoking up. Life was easier and I was happier. I had IDGAF attitude. And that rocked full power. 

Now it doesn't suit me. Also I prefer to be more aware. But I do miss that dimension at times. It would have probably helped with my IBS as well. And I would have simply not noticed or bother about sonkany things. But maybe it was crucial to step out of that phase. To actually realise what was exactly wrong with my life. Else, I would have continued blaming myself for ever. But I had to look at bitter truth up-close and come on terms with it. 

Acceptance is the first step to any change. 


'Give your heart and soul to me

And life will always be 

La vie en rose'


This song reminds me of Arambol now. There was one evening when I had visited the cliff side towards the corner between Beach and Sweet water Lake. Had found a crazy trail of cliffs that reached further into the sea. And there upon some mild peak that I romanced with the sea and sang this song with my red shades on. It was a beautiful sunset. 


'Paavan tumhare Prem ko

Kyun moh tha maine kaha...

Har baat samjhana sada 

Sambhav nahi radhe 

Samay samjhayega'


Such a love filled song. This takes me to Pushkar. For love in its purest form is devotional for divine. Also, it reminds me of Manku. 


Aah! Why do I love him so much? Beyond even attaining him in my life. I just want him to be happy and living. And I just love him. With or without me. 

That's one connection I could never understand. Imagine, it's been 3 years we have even interacted a single Hi. Yet he remains all alive in my soul. I feel so connected to him. I even tried breaking our chord. It did help with my expectations level. I don't desire him for any relation per day, anymore. But this immense pure love and bond that I feel for him. It simply has no logical explanation. As if He is my Krishna and I his Radha. And though we maynot be together. But we are one. Part of the same soul. Who knows? 


9:36

Magical number. Universal digits. 


Oh, I have begun weaving a bracelet/anklet. Will finish it tonight. Also, decluttered my room a bit today. It feels more breathable now. Though, I would soon move out. 


My way of loving is more giving. I just love, regardless of reciprocation or what I recieve from the other end. Because Love is the purest emotions for me. But when it comes to relationships, there I have huge expectations. All forms of morality enter in. I have such huge demands then like loyalty, hundred percent devotion, purity even from the other end etc.. and that's why I stay away from relations. For I fail to get people courageous to be righteous. And I don't have people as dedicated or loving as I have a tendency to be - when in any relation. 


'Zara Zara phoolon pe jhadne laga Dil mera

Zara Zara kanton se lagne laga Dil mera...

Mai pareshaan pareshaan pareshaan

Atishein wo kahan 

Mai pareshan pareshaan pareshaan 

Ranjishein hain dhuan'. 


Today I realised that though I ran behind friendships my entire life, yet it is my most trusted friends only that betrayed me and were my worst enemies. I realised, I should have never trusted them. That the girls were essentially jealous and boys had other intentions. And they all betrayed me. 


Yet, it was my choice to trust them. And it was their karma to betray that trust. 


Maybe I shouldn't leave my trusting nature. But I should be better at choosing people. Trusting is not the issue. Whom I trust - is. Also, that even there, boundaries must be there. 


Weird. I just don't know how to draw boundaries when it comes to loved ones. That's a flaw in me and I should work upon that. 


'To kya hua gar faasle darmiyaan na pad gye

Iska kya gam 

Thaam lun peeche se gar Mai tujhe 

Fir ek hon hum.... 

Jaise milein ajnabee'


Weird, how though few people hurt us the most, yet we love them the most. At times, there is just no choice. Like when it comes to your own family. But, one must be strong enough to draw boundaries. But life does get lonely. Hope, one day, I get healthy connections in my life. Won't chase them anymore. For I don't trust myself anymore. When you have only been in toxic relations, you don't know what healthy is. So, I avoid all relations. 

I do understand now, that those flaws I was finding outside in others, were misdirected. The rage I had been carrying within was misdirected. And I must heal all that, before entering any real time connections now. 

Or maybe, it's all an ongoing process. For I have always learned everything while in field. There is just no other way. 


'Sajanwaa aa jaa 

Naina ro ro thake'. 


9:59 

Blue star and Orion. My favorite things to see in the night sky. 


10:00

Miss Michael now, each time that I check out the stars or think about night walks. Beautiful memory. 


'Go easy on me baby

I was still a child 

Didn't get the chance to 

See the world around me 

I had no time to choose

What I chose to do

So go easy on me'


I love Adele. 


10:01

Can you manifest an agent to publish my Pushkar book love? I tried all I could back then. Find out the perfect person and deal for me. Please!!!! 


'Tu din sa hai 

Mai raat aa na dono 

Mil jayein shamon ki tarah'


One reason why I miss Manku and Shasha the most is because they gave me acceptance and unconditional and selfless love - when I was there. And I had my pup Chill back then. My snowy fluffy symbol of love. and their was our very own group of friends. We just had purest of love for each other. It was core bliss. My 3 AM blogs carry those vibes and my soul keeps them alive. But I can't go back to past. And I have to keep moving on. 

Later most of the others proved to be selfish or toxic. Also, I now am far off from intoxicants. 

So I don't relate to them. 

But I miss them at times. For my soul remains thirsty for pure connections, for love. 

And I don't want ego or games when it comes to connections. These things should be natural. Without an iota of mental games or ego. 


In present time though, it becomes crucial to get into those games. People bread crumb or reply or don't as per their ego. These things should be pure and effortless. 


Michael is really great at such things. He is so polite. And always responds. And takes interest in my concerns. But he is so far off. But I know our friendship is true and pure. I really see Archangel Michael in him. 

A divine presence in my life thankfully. 


Though angels remain around me even otherwise as lights and orbs. And they always guide me and protect me. They tell me whom to trust or not now. They ensure that I don't trust wrong people. And they love me immensely. 


'Garm Sanson mei ghul rha hai jo

Wo akele mei mil rha hai jo

Khwab mei aake pyaar karta hai 

Rooh sau baar tum par varta hai... 

Haq jatata hai Jo sabhi tum pe

Poochna chahta hun mai tum se

Kaun hai kaisa wo dikhta hai

Jaanta hun ki mai wo nahin

Wo ki jis se tumhe mohabbat hai'


10:22

Alright my love! Good night. 

Catch you tomorrow. Love you. 

Mmmmuuuaaah! 


'Allah hoo'


...........


April 7, 2024

Delhi

9 PM

With a sip of coffee - a smoky Welcome! I guess this spot too has become crucial to our meets. For I don't feel like sitting anywhere else, not even at my own terrace - just to be here with you. 

Woke up half an hour thanks to an alarm. You won't believe, I had left milk to boil on gas, a DIYd musturd, clove, vannilla,camphor mixture lit in a lemon and my airpods connected to my phone and had passed out. Thankfully it was only for an hour else I don't know what would have happened. But still, more than an hour - enough to turn one litre milk into half; the lamp to turn choke black and my airpods to run out of battery for I neither disconnected, nor put them on charge. 

There must have been a reason for it. maybe a sign for me to disconnect from things and memories that no more serve me and rest enough to move on in my life. 

But ya, I also got happy to get up with an alarm. Never in my life I had that quality. Yet these days, ai ensure an hour long nap before meeting you and actually get up on my own - with an alarm or my body clock. Sign that am maturing and given a task to reach anyone or do anything, I won't have to stay awake night long to reach in morning, but I can also take power naps or rather sleep peacefully and still get up with alarm. Nice! Feels like a superpower. Lol. 


9:06

Oh, I did create that face serum I wanted to - last night. It has come out great. It's not even oily even if it has numerous oils used. Because I have made Rose toner as it's base. And then added coconut oil, tea tree oil, vannilla essence, Rosemerry oil, Aragon oil, Aloevera and a sprinkle of turmeric. I used few drops of essential oils, around half a cap of Aragon, less than 1/3rd bottle was Rose toner. Oh, also I used Rose oil. Followed by adding holy waters from various sources. Like Ganga water from Rishikesh, Glacier water of Bhrigu lake,Kaveri Water from Badrinath etc. 

And hence I have created a fusion of pure holy elixir and therapeutic, aromatic, refreshing magic spray for my face. Which is both a toner and a serum. Lol. 

Crazy! It doesn't make my face oily, instead leaves a misty fragrant freshness upon my skin. I felt beautiful and pampered with a single spray. 


Also, that I finished that bracelet that I had begun last evening. It has 8 tiny stars with a central large star. Have used one pink and two grey threads in it. The pink one is the same from Goa. The only other place I used it was in a neck chain that is now with Michael with a Rose quartz in it. I wanted to carry my angel's vibe with me. So I weaved a starry bracelet at night! 


He is really sweet and kind. Each time he talks to me, he motivates me. And he totally understands me. I feel like being a better version of myself when with him. Thank you cosmos for blessing me with such a humble and pure soul. 


Oh, this morning, I reconnected with my home's plants. Gave them enzyme for a treat and felt disappointed to find many missing or few a bit dried up. Once I was obsessively attached to my plants here. Specially during lockdown - they were my single source of joy, of connecting with nature. But I am hardly here in Delhi anymore, so I don't get attached. It hurts me only to find random plants being donated or random plants added. When you connect, you connect. You then know about each leaf and stem. Their blossoming gives you joy. Their propogation, gives you pride. And it takes time to reconnect even. To understand which plant is located where each time I come back. And for past few times, I find them so changed that I have stopped bothering about them. I just meet and greet them when I come. And I ensure to love them a bit while I can. And then as usual I leave. No attachment, means no pain! And then I have better acceptance foe their change. 


Back in Goa, it was my weekly rituals to go to the forest, apply natural multani mud upon my body, sun bath and then bath in the forest river. It was my detox. It was my connection to nature. 


Ofcourse that is not possible in Delhi. But to heal my skin and detan, I DIYd a home made ubtan this afternoon. It had besan, multani mud, bhabhuti, tomato juice, lemon juice, gangajal, milk, curd - all turned to a fine paste and applied all over my body. Honey was missing but even as it is, it felt great. Finally, atleast my skin feels great and healed. My body still needs more strength. And I still haven't found the reason for regular morning fevers for past two months. 


9:30 

The Blue star/ my Sirius is shimmering beautifully tonight. 

I love it, it's shade and light. 


I also wanted to DIY few clothes this afternoon. Like add on pockets and stuff or simply turn them boho. But yeah, for past several years I had been more moving towards minimalism. And that's why I got rid of clothes that I wasn't wearing for all those years. Try as I may, I always have an abundance of clothes. I do try to minimize them, to be able to sort them out better. But they still keep in enhancing. 

So most of my clothes are new now. Therefore less scope to go wild and experiment. Also, I always like my wardrobe to by tidy and sorted out. And I leave it all cleaned and sorted as well each time I leave, to come back to a nicely organised wardrobe.... But I don't know why my family has suddenly become more interested in my room and wardrobe. They create such a mess there that I have now lost any excitement or hope to tidy it up. Their point is that I am hardly home. Maybe it's their way of rebeling or who knows. 


That's the case with many things in my life though here in Delhi. Once I loved to do so many things. I was an extrovert. But constant nagging, name calling, judgements, abuse, hot seats etc. - either made me rebel or I lost total interest in doing those things. 


Maybe, when I will get my own home; I will be way different from how I be at home. 


I have so many things to complain about when it comes to my family; yet I know that they are the only ones still there with me. And more I travel and go out in society - more I meet only a selfish breed. It's all about exchange. Hardly that I find any selfless connections. That makes me feel even more disenchanted and uninterested in any human interactions. 


That's why I love dogs. Their love is pure. That's why I love nature. It's not superficial. No politics when it comes to nature. Angry or happy - it behaves as it feels. There is no pretention there. I don't have to use my mind when it comes to nature. I have to however behave totally with my mind when it comes to society. Specially here in Delhi, where I fail to even sing or laugh heartily.

 

Weird, how my brother can be as loud in his obnoxious voice and how I be so extreamly considerate or suspicious of not to reveal any of my emotions. That's what happens with narcissistic discrimination. 


That's how I even look at society now. Where just with money or power or fame, or favoritism that even criminals get away. And no matter how good or well intentioned a person you be, chances are, you would suffer more - for you can't step over any other soul. 


Would you believe, my brother destroyed my 12 year long project. A book I was writing for so long. A book that was my dream, my life long narrative. 


Anyway, it's gone now. There must have been a reason even for that. 


9:51

Tomorrow is the day of solar eclipse. I had really wanted to go to Kasar Devi for it - both last year and this year. Yet, numerous tarot readings told me, 'You are exactly where you are meant to be!' and a guy in Pushkar once had his status, 'Bloom where you are planted!' So be it! 

I though connect more with a dandelion - still seeking the perfect soil for myself. Still afraid to fully bloom. Still a bud with immense potential to bloom. 


Age has never been a concern for me. Yet today, some random video brought this sense of urgency. That 30s is high time that you should build your life. It is make or break for your lifetime. 


I date you time. And I totally understand that nothing can happen before divine's wish. For you know how much I have tried and experimented various things. How much I have invested at all levels in numerous fields. 

Can't say nothing worked out. For here I sit - with such experience, so sorted, with clarity! Now though it would mean a lot, if I do better even in social terms. 

My 5D is epic. It's time to work upon 3D. And that's where I need your help. 


For 3D really scares me. It needs politics and such unnecessary things. Yet they all are crucial somehow. 

Honestly, just today I was thinking about it. Like I have been wasting my time in reels and random videos for past one month.. unlikely of me. Yet they became a huge lesson. I got even more disgusted by the level at which society is living. Numerous things simply make no sense to me. Clothes, culture, traditions, pomp and show, behaviours, random reactions, show offs, everything superficial. 


Yet when it comes to people, these things matter. People just can't handle straight upfront honesty. They need flattery. They need packaging. So many unnecessary things. 


10:01

A big just randomly attacked my ear. Hope it wasn't something poisonous. It came suddenly and buzzed and gave me a shock. Uff! 


So ya, I do have many dreams. Having my own cafe. Having my own business. Releasing my own albums. Publishing my books. Selling my canvas arts. But in most of these things, I need support. 

For cafe and business, it would mean so much to have a good partner. To be able to remain consistent and create something together. 

Even in society, different tasks are best performed by different kinds of people. I am not that great with PR stuff when it comes to me. For I never looked at world or people with the eye of utility or resourcefulness. I get too emotional or psychological or even judgemental. So someone else would be apt for it. Likewise when it comes to official work or taking care of rules and regulations. I just could never do all that detail oriented work. My brother is great at it. Not I. 

Or technology. I am good at it when I know what to do where. Also, it's very easy for me to learn any new app, system or software. But I should know my purpose for that. That market reiki, comparisons, gadgets etc - is what I need to be better at. 

So a guy who is good at all this would be such a huge help. 


10:08

Well, people have come upon this terrace and they have lit strong white lights upon my face. It's so annoying. Wanna go somewhere else? Let's! 


I don't even want to be in this constant vigil kind of feel. 

Also, I need to charge my airpods. 


Aah! They turned off the light thankfully and left. But let us also go! Now I have made up my mind. 


10.10

And we will continue our meet downstairs. 


So, We are back at home. 

I didn't realise that at home there would ofcourse be bright light. Ha ha.

Will turn it off in a bit. 


10:23

Alright yo! We are back in my room. The entire day I keep my airpods plugged in. Don't know why. 

Home feels so peaceful. No sound. No music, no videos. 

I really appreciate solitariness. 


Though there is this constant headache that I am unable to get rid of for past two months. It comes and goes. So does the fever. 


Oh, I made Sooji ka halwa today. So, a friend from Pushkar had texted this morning and while reverting him back somehow the dish came up. That's it. I felt like making it. So I made it for breakfast and then had it the entire day. Generally I make it in measured quantity. But today, I wanted to experiment. So I did. 

It's not the best that I have made but yeah, it's after all sooji ka halwa. 


I have been having crazy vivid lucid dreams these days. Would you believe, this morning, I gifted two cell phones in my dream. It was even difficult to digest in dream itself. The girl I gifted it to, I wanted to tell her, it is only for the time being. You got to return it when you find your own phone. It was a brand new Samsung phone. The upper end one. 

And minutes later when I woke up, I was like it is I instead who needs that phone. Lol. I can't even buy it for myself in the present and here I am free gifting it to others - that too, not one, but two... Lol. 


But yeah, whenever I will get my next phone, I would love it to be One Plus. It has great picture quality. And it would be epic to have better memories and content. 


Oh, and this morning itself that I saw this house for the first time in my dream. I saw my kitchen and the sink was full of dishes and a white light was turned on and aunty had not come. I was wondering how would I do so many dishes now. 

And would you believe, aunty actually didn't come today. It was more intuitive my dream. Uff! Thankfully I had not filled the sink with as many dishes. But yeah! She didn't come. And that was mind boggling. 


This happened even a few months back to be back in Goa. I had a weird dream once. And after two months a similar situation actually popped up in Bangalore. 


It's crazy how our intuition and dreams always show us the way - if only we pay head to them. 


Anyway, today I didn't even want anybody to be here. Home alone means home alone. And even if aunties are the sweetest and they both come to clean and have the best of vibes. But at times, I just feel like being totally on my own. And today was one such day! 


I have realised that off late, I have become really stoic in my life. Nothing makes me happy or sad. There is a mildly melencholic, disinterested, bored kind of state that I be in. I look at society as a circus and each time I actually indulge, I literally feel like an entertainer. Earlier there was atleast respect or appreciation or acceptance or judgement .. there was a massive sarcastic phase as well. Now, there is simply disinterest. 


Often times, I feel dazed. Like things that matter so much to t world seems simply a wastage of time to me. I am neither interested in politics nor drama. And what's life without drama (atleast in social or 3D terms). A good story needs ups and downs. They don't impact me anymore. Maybe I have seen too much of it. Maybe it's my trauma reaction. Same like a mouse between the teeth of a cat; I too have become number in terms of life. Even travel doesn't give me much joy any more. Music though gives peace to my soul - but now I get into high expectations for myself and it becomes more of lesson than something to be drowned in. 

Even bhakti seems far off. That gave me peace for atleast few years. I do have devotion. I have immense love for Mahadev. But been long have even connected to those energies. They too seem far these days. 


My guardian angels are always around. I feel blessed to have atleast them. 


Yet nothing excited me much any more. I don't know if it is good or bad! Vairagya I can say. But for how long. 

To Excel in 3D, I would need to leave this vairagya. It's my comfort zone. It's my basic state possibly. Neutral. Unaffected. Detached. 


But in order to be more in touch with my femininity, I would have to get back in touch with my emotions. I can't remain a shava. I can't stay Shiva. I have to retain my Shakti form. Feel, express, deal destroy, create, nurture! 


Please guide me. Be with me! 


10:46

Alright my love! Catch you tomorrow. 


Mmmmmuuuuaah 


......

April 8th, 2024
Delhi 
Welcome dear 9 PM! Welcome to a magical and powerful night. In few minutes, eclipse would begin. It's also a No moon night. Plus a New year for Indians. 
Everything calls for finishing old cycles and beginning new ones. Energies represent opting for new paths and treading upon them confidently for abundance is sure to follow. 
I so wished to be in Kasar Devi to meditate upon this day. But here I am in Delhi. Maybe this is best for me. This eclipse is meant to happen in Pisces. Rather a lot many planets too are aligning sooner or later at the same time - now - Pisces/Aries season. And because my Moon is in Pisces and Sun is in Virgo, am meant to be more affected - is what I realised just this evening. 
It's strange how I already did all those rituals on my own - that I got recommended today instead. I am grateful to divine to make me so in touch with my intuition. And though I didn't meditate but I did ensure to sleep a lot past few days. And to give attention to my dreams. For I know that that too is another way of meditation - where divine consciousness guides individual consciousness and shows the soul it's destined path. 

Maybe that's why I couldn't go anywhere else as well. And just today that I realised that Navratras are beginning tomorrow onwards. That it would be a great abundant time for manifestation. Anyway I fast during those days. And for past several years and generally in Manali itself at this time. 

Most probably, I will be in Delhi this time. Atleast for nine more days. Yet there is no full stop there. I will follow my inner voice and won't mind being anywhere for my growth. 

9:08
Get ready. Sun, Moon and Earth are about to conduct. Off! Magic begins here. 

9:09
This is all the more magical. For you too are double. Let's have a vision board today. Let's just dream and surrender. 

First of all .. 
Om grani Suryae namah
Om grahni Suryaye namah 
Om ghani Suryaye Namah 

I bow down to you Dear Sun. I bow down to you my Moon. I bow down to you mother earth. 
Here we all connect! 
With love, with respect! 
One consciousness!! 

Here are few dreams of mine that I feel are often fuelled by all three of you. Thank you enabling me to dream. Thank you for your logic dear Sun, thank you for all the passion dear Moon. Thank you for manifestations dear Earth. 

Here are my dreams ... 

1) Spiritual Evolution - to serve my soul's purpose. Be the vibe of love. Have a drama free life. Have a perfect balance of solitariness and genuine connections. Sensible enough to guide even others. Yet smart enough to not be pulled into anyone's drama. To balance 5D with 3D. Be upon the bridge in between. To be able to tap into intuition, intrpret universal signs and find right upon and having strength enough to follow. 
2) My own cafe in mountains. In Himachal most probably. Either in Tosh or Old Manali. With a guest house as well. Funded. And succesful. A perfect place to host and create the vibes I feel mountains deserve. With the best of coffee, books on one side, art on sale, tarot readings to provide. With a tiny nursery cum gift shop beside. 
3) My own home at the most appropriate location. I really don't know if I should choose City or village. For I love peaceful Village life close to nature. Yet I am born, brought up and used to city's facilities. So please find the perfect spot for me in between. Where I can be free. With an abundance of nature around. Where people around are also more of my vibe. Free, not conservative, pure, not commercial, humble, loving, caring, compassionate. 
4) Please heal my connections/relations. I understand now that I can't have huge hopes there. But I do still have love for them. I understand that it's my own choice and that all those people even those who hurt me - were all placed in my life either because of karma or for my own soul's growth. That they all are teaching me something and are crucial for my path. Help me deal with them in the most elegant, graceful, compassionate, just, fair way. Don't make me hurt them regardless of their actions. But help me take a stand for myself and do what's right - in the most peaceful way. Help me control my emotions, to not be triggered by things I can't change, other people's actions etc. Help me do what's right and best. 
5) Most importantly, my books deserve a larger audience. The world deserves to read what I have written. Not just those already published online, but majorly those that I haven't published anywhere. Both Pushkar and Chamba's book. Help me connect with Penguine to publish my Pushkar book. It's seriously a gem. An epic. You have been my source to write it. You only can help me publish it. I can be your pen, can be your medium. Please guide me how to go about it. I don't really have contacts in that field. My department too has not really been much supportive for I am not a Bengali. I can't really socialise just to build contacts in writers community. Still, I wish my book to reach the world by my name and sincerity. Help me. Guide me. Ensure that the book reaches masses and also successfully. You do know how much time, energy and emotions I invested there. You do know how crucial it is for me. And the kids can actually learn so much from Chamba book. Do help me publish even that one as children's book. It can actually give me good returns as well, provided it is published as a product. I do have a plan for it. Give me consistency and strength to follow it and bring it to fruition. 
6) It's been a minute that I have felt enough to write any song. Yet I have a diary full of composed songs. Few of them actually have immense potential. So do I. But I do need right vibes to Excel in music. Like my own band. And studio recording. Regular practice. Inspiring artists. Creative collaborations etc. It is difficult for me to grow in music just on my own. For it is not a talent but a skill that I have acquired and am trying to be better at. Either give me that kind of crazy obsession that I master it. Or help me reach the right place and be with right people for it to become something. I would love my own songs to reach the world. I would love create music and contribute and give back to the field that gave me so much all through my life. I love music. It gives me peace. It heals me. That's what I too wish to create. Healing music. 
7) I want my family, relatives, friends and myself to be happy and healthy. To do what's best for humanity. To be successful in all dimensions. To contribute the best with best selves. 
8) I seek forgiveness for those who did me wrong. I hope our karmas get cleansed. 
9) I wish to get rid of any ego that doesn't serve me. Instead I want to build a better I - to be able to live life the best and utilise. 
10) I know one life is not enough to travel around the world. And maybe I have lived even my previous births everywhere travelling and exploring. Also, that you have blessed me with a magical enchanting life. I thank you for that. I know travel is fated for me even in this life time. I only hope that I reach the purest of places that offer a lot of nature abundance to me. 9:36 And even earn while traveling. Say compaies funding my trips. Or countries paying me to visit them and contribute with my skill. I think I have done enough in terms of energy, efforts, hassle / dhakke - for past 11 years! High time, things should be sorted for me. You know I can't be so called influencer. That seems too shallow to me. Also, I don't want to sell off the rare places still left to breath. I do thank you already for blessing me with purest of experiences. And want the same even in future. But there must be a respectable way. Where I be able to travel all around the world. Experience all the wonders. Still be paid and paid immensely for the same. 
11) Oh, I almost forgot. For I still don't know how.  But I now so so wish to enter even into business world. An E-commerce site - with hemp products and all the exotic items that I have in mind. Recently while doing a reiki for it, I found a website already made - on a similar concept to mine. Even the name was same that I had thought of. But ya, I too can do it. Provided I get the right collaboration for it. And even guidance. 
12) I wish to leave my toxic traits. Any habits that don't serve me and are either an easy escape or an acquired taste or a sign of rebel in me. I am better than those things. Help me conquer anything that is unhealthy in me - may it be a habit, a thought, an attachment or a connection. 
13) Offlate, I am getting crazy ideas as if someone has done black magic on me ... All because of my health. Please make me healthy again. Please remove any unnecessary energies from me. I know I am divinely protected. I am really grateful for it. Thank you for always being with me. Help me feel as protected and be carefree. Treat my IBS. Heal this weird white mark upon my shoulder. Make these random rashes and itching go away. Heal my fever and headache. Bring back my strength, vitality, will power and luck. I know I am starchild. Thank you for reminding me that. Protect me from envy or jealousy. Instead make me an inspiration for those who try to bring me down by shallow methods. Protect me and guide me to stay upon my path and in my element and energy. Balance my hormones. Help me get in touch with divine feminine in me. Heal me. Bring love and joy back to me. 

Thank you cosmos. Thank you dear Sun, Moon, Earth. Thank you my blue star. Thank you my heart. 
Thank you for these manifestations. Thank you for blessing me way more than I deserve. Thank you for this life. Thank you for making me a medium of your light. 
Loads of love! Loads of gratitude. 
You are beautiful. Each and everyone of you. 
And so am I. Thank you for making me your part dear divine. 

9:53
Yo! Who knew we would be sipping coffee at night in Delhi while the other half globe would be experiencing an eclipse! Crazy! 
We don't even get to see it. 
In India, there is this concept of sootak. Where it is not at all adviced to see a solar eclipse even with those special glasses. And there are crazy concepts that Sun gets weak. And it has adverse affects upon people's energy. 
I do understand this scientifically. Say Sun's rays being blocked and energetic flow being disrupted. But spiritually, I think it's a great time. For Sun, Moon and Earth are in a straight line. Though I disagree with Sun getting weak. For it is far off. And no matter how many moons comes in between, they remain in our peripheries. Sun is Sun. A self fuelled star. Who can diminish it's power. Except you my Time. You ensure that even stars undergo their rainbow course. Even they are born and regenerated. Even they begin with red finally reach purple and then again repeat it. 

Numerous mysteries in the world. And we try to limit them with our limited vision. You have seen it all. You be the creator, the cursor, the regenerator. You are the .ost powerful dear Time. You are Mahakaal. My Mahadev. You are Time! An Ocean of magic and mysteries. The entire number system. Each and every energy. The adishakti, the shava, the Shiva, the Shakti! You are all. 
Nowhere seen, yet always experienced. Always present. Yet hardly realised. People look at it as linear. But I have experienced you in so many forms. Psychological, emotional, cosmic, scientific ... When you expand. When you contract. When you breath between limited breaths. When you transcend lifelines and timelines. You are eternal. You are an ocean. The infinity of number system. Verse in multiverses. Main fabric of numerous dimensions. The index of transforming universe and journey of evolution. Yet you are one. Have always been. Will always be. Thank you for making me experience you. Thank you for being a part of me. Love you! 

This evening when I went to buy something from the market, I bumped into an old student of mine. Rather the only student I taught here in society. He was in second class I think when I had taught him English. And he was super cute back then. A constant source of joy. An overactive child. I loved him then. I love him still. So innocent. So pure. 
And the fact that he still remembers me. Even back then that he used to come and share his each day with me. Even now that he just shared his life in those few minutes so innocently. He is doing law now. And I felt proud of him. How time flies. I have literally seen him growing from a toddler to this young adult. And it feels great. It was such a happy exchange. And the purest of love. That of a teacher, a friend, a guide, a human! 
It was such a beautiful moment. 
To imagine, I didn't even recognise him initially. But he remembered me, and met so lovingly and respectfully. 

I even met his aunt later on. And today I lied after years while talking with her. Though I appreciate her free self but she always tried to dig in to gossip later. And today, I didn't want to fill in any details. And I heard a lie sail out of my mouth so smoothly for she was asking me something that I didn't want to answer. But the lie dazzled even me. Also she knew that I was lieing and rather drawing a line and therefore she left in the very next instance. For she understood that I won't give her any gossip material. 

Just yesterday that I had watched a video. Where a lady told a hall full of women - why it is wrong to answer every question honestly and immediately and how we should instead question back like men do. Half the times the questions are irrelevant. And other half, the person asking them has no right to question. But we by default simply answer everything honestly and that's where we give away our power. 

And today itself that I could work upon what I had learned. But I lied. Like I lied. Lol. Seriously I simply hate dishonesty. And truth is a big time essential quality both in myself and in people I choose to be with. 
Yet it was fun. I could feel it's taste even for next half an hour. The taste of lie upon my tongue. And how it had sailed so smoothly, effortlessly without even I trying to manipulate anything. It just happened. 

May be, I am indeed changing. Maybe I am finally learning the ways of the world! 
For Krishna too taught to be smart. And a friend recently taught me that one should be honest to only two energies - himself and to God. Yet honestly means a lot to me. That's what gives value to my word. And I put in huge emphasis upon my words being true and authentic. 

Yet, not everyone deserves the entirety of truth. And we should have the art of covering things that we don't really want others to see or judge or talk about. Maybe Pushkar is infact right about having multiple lives. Who knows! 

Anyway, she wanted to discuss my flaws. I instead told her that I have nothing to do with it. May my words come true. And I actually get rid of my flaws. 

10:19
So, Navratris are beginning tomorrow onwards. Am excited. I will be fasting. Am sure it would be good both for my body, soul and spirit. 

Oh, I made a crazy thing today. Took dryfruits like Almonds, raisins etc, dried coconut pieces, black pepper, cardamom, flax seeds, fennel seeds, a little brown sugar - blended them all to a powder form in a mixer. And now I have ready to make mixture. I can add it to milk (hot or cold), can even eat it when super hungry or need healthy nourishment, can even carry with me if I do travel while fasting. It tastes awesome. And is super healthy and tasty. Each ingredient is of my preference there and over all it's super healthy. 
I got the idea while mixing this role mix thandai mixture in milk. I read ingredients there and was like, 'Hey! I can also make it at home.' Ofcourse I experimented. Added what I had, further added what I wanted to add... But the end result is epic. Yummy! Ha ha!

10:29
Alright my love! Catch you tomorrow. Good night! It's a beautiful night. So magical. So powerful. 
Where Sun, Moon and Earth are colliding on our meet. 
Loads of love! 
Mmmuuuaah! 
A very Happy New Year! 
A very magical and power Happy Navratri! 
May be begin this Moon cycle uniquely. May we manifest the best life we can achieve! 

Mmmuuuaah! 

.............


April 9, 2024

Delhi

9 PM


Hey my Nine. Welcome! Am at our spot, as usual with a coffee below stars. Today was a fine day. Began early for I slept at night. And because it was the beginning of Navratris, I began with bathing followed by saging ... With Devi kvacham filled in house and aromatic incense sticks all around. A tiny Pooja followed by long meditation. The meditation went on for so long that I literally passed out in the middle with even jirks just to be able to sit up. 


Oh, and I cooked a fast special thali for myself - jeera alu, kuttu ke pakaude, kuttu ki poori and curd. 

Also had the first mango of this season. 


And then slept again for a bit in afternoon. These days am sleeping both day and night. Weird. 


Aah! One of my favorite tracks.... 

'Saavan beeto jaaye piharva'

It reminds me of Manku.

Why do I miss him so much? 

Honestly I never got an answer to that. He never even gave me any such memories. Never promised anything. 

And not like he even breadcrumbed like these douchebag guys do, thinking that I would be addicted to them. Lol. 

All he did was that he was there. His simplicity, his energy and oh his music. I had fallen in love with his voice first. And his smile. And the way he always could charm anyone. His energy was contagious. Happy and peaceful. 


It is pure souls like his that suffer the most. I saw the twinkle in his eyes gradually losing their lustre .. each year. And oh, I wanted to love him. To be with him. To tell him that he deserves the world. That he should not fall for the ways of the world. That his future is bright. That he can do anything if he decides. But he kept on becoming sadder and sadder. To a point that I can't reach him anymore. 


Also, that I decided for the only time in my life that this time he would have to come to me. That I had chased him enough. 

I never chased. I just expressed my love. Was expressive. Was open to him. 

But the only time I closed my door and wanted him to open it for it wasn't still latched. Been three years. He never came. Never knocked. Rather got lost from the world itself. 


At times it concerns me. I feel like running to him, finding him. But it is his own journey. 


We were never meant to be partners. Honestly, my love for him is way beyond any relations. It is just eternal. All I crave for us for him to be happy, alive and to see that twinkle in his eyes. Wherever he be. With whomever he be. 

That was always clear in my head. Yet, I too have my own journey. I did expected a bit from him when I was at my lowest. How could he have helped me! He wasn't capable. 


Guess all that haq and nakhra does not apply to us. Or maybe it was his sole right and not mine. After all, I had acted from my masculine energy and he had acted feminine. 


Doesn't matter anymore. As long as he is happy and alive. 


I also understand that he was never good for me as partner. But he is my twin flame. Both of us have our own journeys. All I have in my heart for him is love and best of wishes. 


'Pyaar ke Bina meri 

Zindagi udaas hai 

Koi nai hai mera 

Sirf Teri aas hai'


I watched two movies this evening. Second one I had to leave at the climax for our date. First one was more teen like. School love story where a boy and girl were neighbours and best of friends. They went to same school. The guy had a crush on school's most popular girl. And the school's popular guy had a crush upon the girl. Both the guys decided to help each other to get the girls they wanted for these two were already best friends and popular boy and girl were cousins. Well, the story went everywhere. Their wishes did come true as well. But ultimately the neighbours/best friends got together for the other relations were all based on efforts and were mismatched. Instead they were best for each other for they were best of friends first. The movie's name was 'Whatever it takes'. 


The one I left mid way is 'The seven girlfriends'. Here a guy goes on a quest to meet all his ex girlfriends to figure out where was he wrong in his previous relationships. Why even at the age of 36 that he couldn't get married. Well, I still got to finish it. 


9:21 

One of my eye is weirdly paining today. The same one that had weird bite back in Goa. Hope it gets well. 


'Mar gye hum 

Par khuli Rahi ankhein

Ye tere intzaar ki hadd thi...

Naina more taras gye

Aaja balam pardesi'


9:29

There was a dialogue in the second movie today, 

'Objects in a rareview mirror always seems prettier. 

But one can only drive well by looking at what's ahead'. 


And that what my life needs. To not think about past but go ahead. With confidence, with faith. Another leap of faith! 


I am craving to go to Manali. Yet, it's been years of going there with the same dream. I just don't act upon it. 

I so want to have my cafe there. 

Yet this time, my mind is stopping me. I don't want to repeat any past cycle. 

Yet, a video said yesterday, 'If you remain persistent in any field. Then sooner or later it is bound to work. And succefully.' I connect more with writing when it comes to this phrase. 

Also, people in manali don't satisfy my need for authentic connections. But I think that's a flaw in me. I just don't trust anyone. Everywhere I go, I feel as if people are jealous or are doing spell work on me, or are bullying me. 

And I therefore remain a loner. 

I wasn't always like this. But I have had such phases. And for past few years after a few traumatic experiences both inside and outside - I became more like that. 

I just don't trust anyone. Not even closest of my friends. 

And it seems as if only the people from my past can redeem me. For I did trust them once. Yet the rare few people from my past I gave a chance to - also disappointed me. 


Why am I so demanding when it comes to close ones. Maybe, because I had been betrayed many a times. 


Yet one way or rather the chill way is to be more accepting. to forgive the flaws. Rather not take any of those things personally. 

But to do what I feel right. And let people do what they consider as right. For each has his own right and wrong. And no one else can decide for anyone else. No one should as well. 


But I do expect way too much when it comes to my connections. And the test be so that no one passes it. 


'Bhanwra man dekhne chala ek sapna'. 


Isn't it weird, how I was so fearless ones that I not only travelled pan India but was such an extrovert that everywhere it felt home and everyone seemed mine. I was so open and chill about numerous things. 

And same me, one, after my accident, second, after DMT, third, after meeting with that psycho girl in Laddakh, now fourth, experiencing trauma of seeing my best friend change into a demon - yeah! They all impacted me big time. 

It hurts to be betrayed. 

To get your trust broken. 


Yet my Tarot reading says to function from heart space. To find love for all. I do have live still. I had behaved from love space only even back then. But what to do about the imprints that these memories leave. Likewise with my home. Things are so nice at present. But these traumatic memories - they don't leave me. 


And though one can heal them by forgiving or forgetting or acceptance... Yet it seems foolish to not learn from past and go on being naive filled with love. 

There is a reason why certain experiences come to our life. They change it, they shape us. 

And we don't learn certain lessons, then they keep on repeating in our lives. Until, we learn them and change those energies. Rather change our own self which allows such experiences or life situations to happen. 


When would I learn? How would I learn? 


Would I ever find perfect compatible vibes around me to be fully me? Or would I ever become confident and open enough once again to not give a fuck even to love.... For this love for self would overrule any of my desires or empathy or this wish to heal others or to guide. Who knows? 


One can't help others with an empty cup! 

And who is asking for it anyway! 

I should atleast help myself first. For I do need it. 


9:51

'What you're leaving for 

When my night is yours

Don't go yeah!'


Manali is totally calling me. Couple of friends literally texted and called me there. Even random acquaintances. And I am craving to take a dip in Kalaath sulphur water. And build back my stamina. Walk and get back in shape. Mountains just heal me naturally. Yet my IBS began in Himachal itself last year and even mountains couldn't heal it. 


Well, it is more mental. I know that. I do need to channelise my energy - I know that. 


Don't know for how long would I keep on oscillating between places and home. Yet stability still seems like stagnation to me somehow. I just need to craft my life in such a way that no matter where I be, my life keep going on fluently. That I have work everywhere. That I don't settle anywhere. That I build healthy connections everywhere. That I have a strong sense of self. That I don't need to waste my time or efforts in frivolous things or undeserving connections. 

A strong sense of self, a fulfilling life, movement, healthy lifestyle, good money, passions, genuine friends, loving connections, inspirational surrounding and people. That's what I need in my life! 


Although I am not looking for any short cut, but I sincerely feel that I don't need to grind myself day and night in any job. That I just need to dream high and even act upon it. That am simply not cut out to listen to egoistic authorities . That I can simply be creative and invest well. That I can actually create a life that pays me on its own without I needing to be personally there for everything. 


I have to seed the perfect tree to have fruits of. And that I need to nourish it. But not sit and look at it for hours. 

Because my time is crucial. And there is so much that I wish to do. 

In one lifetime. 


10:01

There are so mosquitos in Delhi this time. And they never used to bother me, but this time they are just not leaving me. On terrace or at home....they are just everywhere. Last night I even created my customised lamps. Wax diyas with bay leaves (tez patta), cloves, camphor and orange peel with drops of vannilla. I passed out while staring at the flame. 


And this morning that before meditation, guruji said that Navratris celebrate goddess of fire. Immediately the flame that I had stated into for almost an hour last night - came to my mind.

In a way, I had inaugurated Navratris in the perfect way. Though for different reason. Yet, the act was correct. 


'Laagi meri preet tere sang lagi o mere shankara'


There is a thandai mixture at my home. Each time I mix it in milk and drink it, I just feel sleepy and pass out. I had not noticed the connection even on the day when I had slept off with the gas turned on. But these days when I am even sleeping at night time, just yesterday that I realised it. Hey, I had milk the last thing before each of my sudden uncalled pass outs. Well, I am about to finish the box. Anyway, it's great to sleep during eclipse season. 

Atleast I don't overthink at that time. I just sleep in peace. 

But am also getting a bit restless to live now. 

I am bored at home to be honest. And though I think of doing so many things, yet I don't really do much of anything. 


I miss nature. I miss going out. I miss people and cafes. I miss creating. I miss performing. 


I so wish that this time, if I do go to Manali, then I be able to get my own band and perform along with others. It would be such a learning experience. 


10:11

Now I wonder, how would it feels to perform with Manku. We are after all twin flames. Imagine the vibe magic we can create on stage. Although I have experienced it before. But I was totally a new bie back then. Now I do have better understanding and though there is still so much to learn when it comes to music. But I know that we would be instant hit - if we perform together. 


'Teri ankhon ke dariya ka 

Utarna bhi zaroori tha..'


10:16

Whether people have been fair to be or they hurt me by behaving selfishly. Yet all that came to my life and were special to me - taught me something or the other. That's the way I connect. The more I love someone, the more I acquire their qualities. At times, without even knowing it or them teaching me anything. Maybe, that is what attracts me to them. Things that I wish to learn. For they become the epitome of it. 


God though is nirgun. Without any attributes. And I love God. I love Mahadev. I love Adishakti. For each attribute is God's. Each creation, every maintainance, even destruction and then regeneration. 


It dazzles me - the evolution of cosmos. Various dimensions. Both the visible and invisible. Numerous mysteries. Magical and meta-physical. Numbers and figures. Facts and abstracts. So much to learn. So much to be drowned in. So much to surf out of. And it's like a land on an eternal construction mode. Forever working upon itself. Same like individuals. As long as we don't restrict ourselves in our own defined limitations. For we can do anything when we really put our heart to it. And we can actually bring all our dreams to manifestation if we really love them. 

One life is enough to live all your dreams. You just need to surrender and have faith and act when you feel like it, stay in touch with your intuition. 


For those desires are also cosmic designed. And if a person if content in a certain life then that's divine's love for him/her. They won't have any other desire to live any other life. And the one who is ambitious or has dreams or desires - is meant to fulfill them. For no other life would satisfy that person. 

Or it can also be a lesson. For not all desires are meant to be fulfilled. I guess, it is more about intention. A well intentioned dream is bound to come true better and fulfill you more than something with ounce of greed or I'll methods. 

Yet, a philosophical stream says that there is no good or bad. That the entire moral compass is man made again.

I thought still believe in morality and ethics. For there are few things that our own inner voice tells us to do or not to do. And there is no better parameter to knowing whether your action/thought is good or bad. 


And I just played a song on my own. Generally I let my playlist decide the course. But I really wanted to listen to it - Saudebaazi. 


'Maine tum ko paana hai ya 

Toone mai ko khona ji 

Aaja Dil ki karein Saudebaazi 

Kya naaraazi 

Aare aa re aa re aa '


They say that one shouldn't invest too much emotionally or otherwise in the beginning of any connection. That one should stay a mystery. That it should equal reciprocation. Should tread sensibly. Have an equal exchange. 

I thought am extreme person. And I have lost many chances to express love to energies that I missed later. Like what won't I do to hug my pup Pompom and tell him how much I love him and has to part with him for his own good. How I regret leaving my other pup Chill with others when I should have instead carried her with myself. How I would have valued silver more when he was so available and always trying to get my time. How I would have never left my Bangalore's room or would have never cried there for that was indeed the best home for myself. How I would have not rebeled in my BTM job just because my so called bestie lied about being harassed. How, I wouldn't have left from Old Manali and rather would have stayed on there to save Shasha's cafe. How I would have stayed on in Arambol years ago and maybe then Ashu wouldn't have gone from this world. Maybe I could have guided him being his elder sister. How, I would have continued my studies after post grad and not really reacted to my professor's conduct or university's fault. How I would have never chased Blue out to make him stronger and instead had loved him and spent whatever time we had with love and acceptance. 

But things happened the way they were meant to happen. 

And therefore I express love when I can, the most I can and say things when I feel like it without all these social conventions in mind. For connections are not games or challanges to me to be won. People are humans with emotions to me first. 

Relations demand ego games sadly in present time. I prefer honest and free communication with people sensible enough to deal with issues peacefully and express what they really feel. 


'Tum paas ho ke bhi

Tum aas ho ke bhi

Ehsaas ho ke bhi 

Apne nahi

Aise hain humko gile 

Tum se Naa jaane kyun 

Meelon ke hain faasle 

Tum se na jaane kyun

Tu jaane na'


10:48

Alright my love! 

See you tomorrow. 

Loads of love! 


I think there is some massive repair work or Ascension happening in my body. For though my body is acting weirdly one or two parts each day, but they get better in a day or two and some other body parts dysfunctions then. Maybe it is all for the best. And once am out of this servicing, I will fit as new. 

Here's to hoping. 


Oh, today is Shailputri's day. Dedicated to Parvati for she is the daughter of Himalayas. Spiritually it represents our consciousness. For consciousness flows like a river in our mountain like body. 

And in our body, Shailputri lives at root chakra. Therefore the color is red. And the energy represnts stability and sense of safety in our life. That feeling of abundance and belongingness. Assets and land. People to belong to. Roots! 


Alright then! 

Love you! 

Right now, I belong to you. 

My time! 

My wine! 

My Nine! 


Love you! 


Good night yo! 

Mmmuuuaah! 


.........

April 10th, 2024

Delhi 

9 PM

Hey my love! Welcome! 

You can say that my morning has begun just two hours back. And I have just now got done with bath, meditation, even dinner and basics. Right now am still at home, for I have ordered few groceries online and am waiting for it. After this we will go to our spot upstairs. 


I feel way better healthwise - after, I don't know how long!!! Hardly bloated, eyes are better, strength is there, mind is relaxed.... Though lower back is paining randomly... Piercing kind of pain. But now I have become used to it. I be like, aha, repair work in that room/of that body part!! Lol! 


This is one thing that I really appreciate in Delhi / major cities - the facilities. Anywhere else, I would have been required to go outside, fetch essentials. And not every time that one has strength, will or time to go personally for those last minute things. All I have to here is order online and anything reached within 10 minutes at home. How incredible is that. One thing what attracts me to live in the city. This and availability of basics like stationary, hospitals, doctors, schools etc.... I don't really know why schools as well for I have no plans of having my own kids.. or even getting married for that matter. Lol.. 

But yeah, fascilities, infrastructure, hygiene - are crucial when it comes to where I want to live! 

Anyway, stuff has long arrived. Let's go upstairs yo! Coffee too is getting cold. 


Destination arrived! 

Ha ha! 

So, we are at our spot. 

9:13

And it feels great to sip coffee. These days have reduced it's consumption. 


This morning I finally did something super creative using needle, threads and beads. And it gave me so much of joy and satisfaction. So I have a hemp bag that mom had brought for me. It was new and fine but not as asthetically pleasing - specially it's belt. So I beaded so many pretty beads all upon it's belt and even created a dragonfly-dteamcatcher upon its main flap. It looks pretty! 

So delicate and so pretty! I loved it. 


9:16

Let's play some music! 

'You are my favorite kind of high'

Ha ha! Such shrilling voice. 


9:22

Today, while meditating I literally saw eclipse in my vision. Followed by Moon expanding and reducing - various phases of it! 

It was powerful.. Also I saw Half Shakti, half black skull - the over all vision was so powerful, scary yet observable. 


I don't remember what I did last night. Haah! I feel as if I am in some ashram or prison these days. For I stay on my own the entire day and night at home. It's quite peaceful - Hermit mode! 


But I would soon need to step out. Can't wait for that. Yet, a Tarot reading said today that I have all that I need - right here with me. And just like a good magician, I need to pick up the right things and manifest the perfect magic for my life. I hope. I will. 


Another Tarot reading again insisted upon Unconditional love. To be forgiving. Not just for Twin Flame but to all others. For that's how higher self functions. From heart space. With unconditional love. 


'Na yaad Teri mujh ko

Na yaad mujhe hun mai 

Aa tujh ko pehen lun mai 

Aa mujh ko od le tu.'


Katra Katra mai girun 

Jism pe tere thehrun'


Today is Bhrahmacharini's day. Sacral chakra. The space of creativity. It's good that created something today. This diva represents that phase of Parvati where she penanced to become powerful enough to be married to Shiva. Spiritually it represents shifting your animalistic energy upwards. Making your thoughts pure enough to not waste your energy in lust but utilise it for spiritual evolution. 


9:34


'Drunk on someone...

Right now am emotional

Coz I am with you.'


It's weird how we give our power to someone. Like to hurt us, to impact us, to even please us. No one should have that much ability but us. Though on the face it seems rather inhuman to just not be affected by anyone's energy. But that's the right way to be. 

To be in your own energy and power. Not allow any other energy to affect us. No matter good or bad. 

It's normal to be inspired. For what are we if not copied. Our very language is imbibed from others. Every action, emotions is learned from environment. We are but psychic sponges. Atleast I am. But it is crucial to have a protective layer. Like a swan in the water. 


'Zaroori tha ki hum dono 

Tawafe aarzoo karte

Magar fir aarzuon ka 

Nikharna bhi zaroori tha 

Teri ankhon ke dariya ka 

Utarna bhi zaroori tha'


9:39 

I prayed to forget both Bangalore and Goa today. Except my gigs. I would love to remember them. Also musical lessons. And ofcourse nature. But nothing else. No one else. 


'Kahin baton hi baton mein

Mukarna bhi zaroori tha'


I wish I had never met with my so called bestie. It hurts me still immensely - to realise how she was never really a friend. I really loved her too much. It felt like a dagger to see her real face. 

And yet, while meditating last morning, I saw her all beautiful upon a beach. 

I was annoyed even while meditating. For I just didn't want to see her. But then Guruji said there and then, 'saari mael dhul gyi' (all impurities have been washed off). And immediately I felt relieved. She was an impurity in my life. For she wasn't true. I hope I forget her. And entirely. 

Dear Nine, please remove her memories from my system. She is not worth remembering. Delete all my emotions for her - good or bad. I will be more careful in choosing friends next time. I understand not everybody deserves our friendship. But please, just remove her from my system. 


See, that's what I am talking about. She was a nobody. Still is. It's I who gave her that much value in my life. It was I who had felt that sympathy or love for her. It was I who wanted to help her all through her life. She behaved how she has been brought up - malignant! Why did her actions or misbehaviour impacted me so much? Not everyone can function from my morality compass. I have stop taking everything personally. I did have pity for her even there. For she seemed engulfed in her inferioty complex and insecurity. 

But how was I better if I got hurt by it? 

That was the dilemma there. If I should just accept the situation and let her be. Or if I should react instead for she was being unfair. 

And I deserved to take a stand for myself. 


It is easy to say to function from heart space. It gets difficult to always do so when it comes to life. Now I remember Buddha's story. How he never accepted the abuses of a guy and finally that guy felt ashamed. 

But this doesn't happen in our society. Here, if you go quiet, people think that they are even more right. And they won't mind crushing you. 

Like I could have shattered her illusionary world, but I didn't. For I just totally believe in Karma. 


But that's the dillemna even now. Even in thoughts. If I should actually wish her what she deserves or is bound to happen because of her ill temper and cunning being... Or if I should wish her well for regardless of her actions, I considered her a bestie. Still that's the only word that comes out of my mouth. 


And I am neither Karma, nor Shani. But I do know, that whoever does me wrong meets the repercussions sooner or later. For divine itself takes care of me. Mahadev protects me. My spirit guides heal me. But they face their karma for a long time. 


But I don't really want to cause any good or bad to her. I just don't want to think about her. So make me forget that I ever knew her. Delete her entirely from my life. And never ever bring her back in my life. 


That's why I place such huge emphasis upon loyalty, trust, understanding and love - when it comes to connections. 


Well! All for the best! 


Also, I should rather be thankful to her. For I was hardly feeling anything to write anything new. That's what I told her and her friends who thought that I do nothing in my life for that's how she had introduced me. But emotions are vitals to me. If Love inspired me the most to write, second is grief. 

She gifted me with grief. And that turned into a book full of poems. Thanks to her. Happy ending. 


And I should be thankful to atleast realise that she was not capable of offering the friendship I expected. Better to lose a connection than having an illusion of it. 


'Its easy 

You only need to know...

Well if you want to sing out,

Sing out. 

And if you want to be free, 

Be free. 

You know that there are!'


10:01

Stars are so hazy tonight. Sky is always bright grey in Delhi. Lot of light noise. In mountains or in dessert areas - nights are actually dark. And stars so freely visible. 

Not so much in cities. One reason why I don't want to live in cities. For I love star - gazing. Yet, it's only cities that provide the kind of terraces I love. High! As high from the world as possible. As secluded. 


'And a new day will dawn

For those who stand long

And the forest will echo with laughter...

If there's a bustle in your hedge grow 

It's just a whistle for the may queen 

Yes there are two paths you can go on

But in the long run

There's still .....'

Your head is humming 

In case you don't know 

The piper's calling you to join in...

Dear lady...

Your stairway lies on the whispering wind!'


10:10

Even the beaches offer a spectacular skyline. Specially those in Andamaans. For in Goa too there is still light noise. But Andamaan.

Oh it is magical. Simply divine. 


I still remember that one night. I think it was Neil island. Or maybe somewhere in Diglipur. But I on my own. Between waves. Patch of land. And a wide ocean. Thousand of stars above my head. And thousands of star fishes in the ocean. It was magical. 


'Mai dekhun Jo tujh ko 

To pyaas bade 

Tu Roz roz 

Do ghoont chade'.


Aah! I love to travel. 


Regardless of where I be in life. 

But Offlate, Am really craving a road trip. And not solo this time. But with a loved one. Hardly have such people in my life. 


Aah! The youth and naivity and it's perks. I was more open and welcoming and so was the world. I think, as we grow up, we shackle our own selves. At times few boundaries are good. But often times, they only limit us. 


'Ye jo halka halka suroor hai 

Mera Ishq mera fitoor hai 

Maine khud ko tujh pe luta diya 

Tera ho ke khud ko mita diya'.


I just love this song. More Nusrat's version. But even this version is upbeat and nice. I simply love this song in all forms. 


10:19

Last night there was a dialogue in that movie 'Seven girlfriends'.... It went like, 'Someone gifted you a piece of coal. You processed it so much that it turned into a diamond.'

That was literal in the movie. But I learned it metaphorically. Say, people who give us hard experiences. And we the overthinkers process those emotions so much that we finally take out the lessons. Coal turns into a diamond. And so does life and entity. 


10:24

Isn't it beautiful that while I am meeting you dear Nine that the holy nine days of Navratris are also during our meets. It feels so special. These days, everywhere that am meeting with you number Nine. 


I think, you represent this samundra manthan - churning of my very life, my entity - to me! 


Ofcourse, both poison and nectar are bound to be extracted. Ofcourse both sur and asur are helping the process. Each has his own special part to play. Thoughts being churned upon Vishnu's back. Vishnu is more brotherly energy to the Shakti self in me. But I also can turn into a Radha or Meera - as per my very energy. And I equally connect with Saraswathi when I create or write or play or paint. 


All universal energies sit right with in us. They inspire us. They impact us. 


Right now, am simply being churned amidst an ocean of emotions and lifetimes. 


'Here I am 

Rock you like a hurricane'


10:32

Today, I felt so hot and beautiful after a long time - dressed in tiny black shorts and a reddish peach colored top. That peach color with more red in it - is my favourite shade. I don't know what's it's name. But I love it. And the top had frills and stuff. I felt like a gift packed. Ha ha! 


Oh, today is Cheti Chand. It's Sindhi New year. Cheti Chand kyun lakh lakh vadhaiyun love. I think it's the first day of Moon. The day celebrates coming of spring. Sindhis all over the world celebrate the day with huge pomp and show. Our God 'Jhulelal' is Varun devta. The God of element water. I have always been connected to Jal/element water. So the deity means all the more to me..as such, Jhulelal is Matsya-avatar of Vishnu. That is, when Vishnu took a half human, half fish form. 

People go for processions and sprinkle water from pots all over. Sindhi music too is unique - with dhol and percussion in a special celebotary way. 


Oh, we also have a special music for wedding ceremonies. It's called Ladde. They have funny and happy lyrics with even happier beats. And then there is different music for prayers and chantings. 

Sindhi community is one of the oldest living civilizations of the world. - Indus valley civilisation. Indus/Sindhu river is also pretty ancient. It's parallel to Harrappan civilization. 


Back then though, there was Sanatan Dharma, not Hinduism or Sindhis. Sindhi is instead just a place in Sindh (now in Pakistan)

 At the time of freedom though, even Sindh was part of India. We even mention Sindh in our national anthem. 

But post freedom and division, hindu sindhis from Pakistan migrated to India and settled in different states - majorly in western and middle portion. 

Sindhis are great at business and are usually pretty creative. They are epic with fabric and jewelry. You won't ever find a Sindhi begger. They are very self respecting and resourceful. 


But they can be miser in conduct and even get cunning at times. Also, their way of being can get pretty loud and obnoxiously show offy at times. 


Well, there is good and bad to everything. 


But I am proud of my ancestral roots. The fact that we had democracy even back then when the rest of the world didn't even know how to walk or talk. 

And we had proper drainage system in our infrastructure. Our utensils were huge, made of stone - yet they all had utility for numerous things. 


And Sindhi food... Uff! It's luscious. So many spices, numerous flavours. It's epic. 

I am vegitarian, now eggitarian.... But sindhis make best of non veg as well. Haven't tasted ofcourse, but have heard about it. 


'Yun hi chala chal raahi 

Kitni haseen hai ye duniya 

Bhool saare jhamele

Dekh phoolon ke mele

Badi rangeen hai ye duniya'


10:49

I think, I should take steps to get my books published over here. And after that, in Manali that I can focus upon that cafe dream of mine and can also work upon music. 

Just be with me. And we will do it. 


10:51

Alright my love! Catch you tomorrow. 

Today, am just not feeling like going. Ha ha! Don't even have much to talk about. But I feel like being here with you. We are way beyond our time. But you yourself are time! Ha ha. 

Alright my love! 

Good night. 

Har Har Mahadev! 

Jai Bhrahmacharini maa! 

Loads of love. 

See you tomorrow.

Mmmmuuuaah! 


.........


April 11, 2024

Delhi

9:30 PM

Hey love! My five minute power napanaoemhownchanfed into hour long sleep. Thanks you for still waiting> just give me some time to get ready and we will go upstairs for sure. The entire day, I don't feel sleepy..just at time tum, oh all my body needs is your tims..

Alright! Just few minutes yo. Please do wait. 

9:40

Oooh! My mouth is stuffed with cake and coffee too is ready. My body and mind are two different things right now! But the cake is no doubt sorry tasty - with that both agree! 


9:48

At last! Here we are my love. At our spot. Glad we could still make it. Though am late, but am here and I am thankful for that. Imagine, I had been awake from morning 4-4:30 AM till 7:39 PM and it is evening meditation followed by yog nidra that sent me to such a trance that I didn't even heard an alarm. Also, that I had doses of medicines already in my system by then. And aleopathy simply makes me sleep excessively. Here though, it was normal. I deserved that sleep. Just, not in our time. 

Well, that's how it was meant to happen!!! Thank you for waiting..


 So, this morning I finally went to visit a doctor to atleast determine what was wrong with my body. Why was I having as many issues. Honestly, half my issues got fine just to leave the house middle of day, sit upon a bike, feel the elements bare and reach a place with other humans in it. And while waiting, there was a cutie pie baby who was continuously smiling and looking at me with his deep eyes. His mother told it's  father that no matter how much lotion/oil she was applying to the baby, it's skin was still dry. Her husband replied, 'such is the weather. and it's alright!' 

It was that simply. And I too got relieved. That there are others as well suffering with a dry skin in 38 degrees. Lol! 


While waiting, I felt rather pleased by the child's attention. For each time looked at me, he stared for long and smiles from his eyes and made wavy gestures. And the same baby turned stoic in front of others! 

And who doesn't like to be the most attention deserving person for the most divine and innocent soul??? I felt great about it. 


But that also made me thinking, 'Why don't I ever wonder what would it feels like having a baby? I looked at that child for long and wondered, 'Would I ever feel like having my personal life filled life?'

A mini human! A solid No came from inside. 

While I love kids and kids love me. But I can't really see myself having one, or rainsing anyone, even if my own! 

The very thought scares me. 

It's a no escape scape. 


10:00


Aah! Today, right now, I feel excessively sleepy. But the coffee is really great. I made it in a new style. 


10:01

So ya, Doctor has given me a few meds. Maybe thesepeove to be potent and powerful to heal any bacteria in my system. 


10:06

Well! I was about to doze off even while sitting on my terrace, but I suddenly heard someone calling out my name in air. There was no one. But the voice creeped me out. Ha ha! Now my ears have sprung with shock. And I am finally a bit more awake. 


Did I tell you the things I had been cooking thanks to Navratri. So yesterday I had made Sabudana alu khichdi. Last night after our date, I went down and made Sabudana ki kheer, kuttu cake, sabudana ice-cream. Oh, the ice cream too has come out so great. I felt like having that jelly/custard kind of texture. And that is exactly where it is. I froze it first and then melted. But it never melted. And this evening I even fused a piece of cake with that custod like ice cream and the fusion was core heaven.. 

And I had been hogging the same desserts that I though had made for atleast two three more days; but I finished them all more or less, right in a single day! Ha ha! It's seriously great. 


Oh, I went out to the market again this evening. Twice outside my home. Felt like an achievement. So, there were a few items that I needed like Vitamin E & C capsules for my skin and those tiny round glass bottles to fill my DIYd lip balms with, etc... And though I had found these things online but they were only available in bulk! And I needed a little. That's one perk of going out to the market to buy things on your own! You get to discuss any product with the seller, have more options and also get done with the shopping at way lower a price. Seriously I bought numerous things at way less a price and more suitable for my needs and even saved both time and money. Ofcourse Amazon offered more exotic bottles. But what would I have done with 24. I only needed a few! Glad I went. 


And afternoon and evening that I repaired my old comfy clothes that though should be discarded but still have comfort value to me. So I repaired them and also gave yet another old bag of mine a repair work. I don't think I would even carry it any where....but it simply gave me joy to an abandoned battered bag turning into a bag which belonged to someone and therewas was wel taken care of! 

My mind was trying to stop me again and again, asking me, 'why even are you wasting your time on these old bags or clothes!! But it felt meditative to me those few hours .. just threads, needles, fabrics.... Just creativity, concentration, focus. .


And it gives me such joy to do such things...


Aah! Am still sleepy. And my sense is going up and down like a heart beat. Now drowsy, now active.  .


10:25

Oh, I also made kuttu alu ke pakaude this morning. They looked so great in appearance, as if I had placed roasted something in the plate. Though later I realised that the crust was too crusty for my taste and the potato inside could have still done with a little more frying... But I was merely experimenting ... And the process itself was therapeutic. 


10:28

Today is Goddess Chandaghanta's day. Guruji at the beginning of meditation introduces her with a bell and moon and said, imagine a fusion of sound and light...  'Vadya aur prakaash'. That is what chandraghanta represents.... Sound and light resulting in pure bliss and beauty. That much more than appearances, beauty lies more within. And that beauty comes with consciousness. Without soul or conciousness, a body is lifeless. It is consciousness that gives meaning and beauty to life. 


I couldn't hear him much today though. I was too much into the meditation..  or maybe I was simply sleeping. Well, who knows! Ha ha! 


10:36

Alright my love! Guess am bit sleepy tonight. Entire day I talk to you about so many things in my head. Think about what all would I share with you each night. But half the things seems irrelevant by night or half that I forget... 

Am not leaving still. Just not feeling like sitting here. Maybe we can go back to home itself... And I would simply pass out if I would feel like it .... Alright.... That is while talking to you... Let's! 


Basic going out seemed so refreshing to me today. Made me happier. Imagine, how happy I would get to travel again. All my tarot readings are telling me to move now. That it is high time. That I have wasted too much time already in my past cycle. That it is not serving me anymore. .what I am not sure off though is if going to Manali is the solution to it or not. For I have been going to the same place for past 12 years. .. and this is a time when I wish to build my career, my life and myself. Going to mountains would of ofcourse make me happy for a bit but I want to fulfill my dreams now. And for that solid actions are crucial. So am still hanging upside down .. wondering what's the right step! 


10:46

Today is 11th. I just love this number. In my book 'Amore'', Amore found this frequency of 11:11 and it became a portal from her to connect with divine masculine, aka, Mahadev! 


To me, it seems like a magical number. Full of possibilities! 

Alright! Let's go downstairs now. 



11:01

Alright my love! Am back at home. Upon my bed. With a yellow light illuminating the painting of Goddess Gaya upon wall witha. Single statue of Goddess Tara upon the central painted Moon! I feel suffocated. Majorly because I over stuffed myself with cake in order to wake up. Wanted to surprise my senses with sweetness..Couldn't determine where to draw the line I guess! 

Delhi has become way hot though. Would you believe, it was 38 degrees this afternoon..crazy! And yet I don't feel hot at all. Just for past two days that am feeling a bit suffocated and mildly not. That's a sign for my recovery. Else I had been feeling cold here in summers! 


Soon, would go to my Himalayas. Soon, would take that dive. 

Soon. V..soon! 


Alright my love! Catch you tomorrow. I won't bore you with more mundane details..that's the best I could do tonight with that much of a sleepy head!!! 

I usually need atleast an hour to wake up properly and do anything. We were already half an hour past our time! Had no choice. 


Yet the best of connections are those which are accepting of each and all moods - of self and others and even the collective relation..


I wish that I cut off any energetic or emotional or psychic chord from anybody who is not good for me. I wish that I be able to be fully myself..I wish to bring them all true - my dreams. And I am thankful to you for boosting me with so much of inspiration..


I know you are waiting for me to step out. To be healthy again - at all levels! And you want me to succeed. I will. We will. Thank you for being so generous, so giving, so loving and so kind. 


See you tomorrow 

Mmmmuuuaah... 

........


April 12, 2024

Delhi

9 PM

Hey my love! Well! Today we are on time. Also am not half asleep like usual times. And last night, well, I think I spoke 90% asleep for I spoke gibberish. Lol. I read that today and felt so embarassed. Half the words didn't make sense, and the topics were off the chart. Uff! Sorry you had to bear me. Well, that too is me! 


Later I gave it a thought, why am I even sleeping each day before meeting you? Why would I feel sleepy at 9 anyway! I can stay active. So, I stayed awake today. Also because I filled my sleep quota quite lavishly. Slept till 9:30 AM today. Weird, how I am feeling sleepy at nights these days. 


I made mashed potatoes for lunch today. They came out yummy. A fusion of alu roasty and full on creamy. 


Tonight we also have moon to accompany. A beautiful golden crescent moon. Just a few minutes back, we also had a cutie cat sitting right in front, cutely yawning... But she vanished. It's nice that our society's terraces are home to so many cats. Stray dogs are not allowed inside. But cats somehow thrive - staying hidden or silent but also living royally, hunting pigeons. 

All thanks to a girl in my society. She feeds these cats as well and takes care of so many cats. Another society friend of mine, feeds stray dogs just outside the main gate. And therefore both stray cats mad dogs are healthy and happy in my environment. Also, we have a special container for cows at our society's gate where people leave spare food for cows. And the only street vendor allowed inside society is also a guy who has a cow. He takes a walk around society with a bell that reminds me of kulfi vendor from my childhood, only, he collects chapatees for his cow. People then don't even have to go till main gate, but simply donate food for the cow from their porticos or below their blocks. 


The fact that animals are built so resourceful amazes me. They know how to hunt, beg, kill and what not. Very few store, but they all eat and know how to. Dogs in Pushkar used to fish, cats here on terrace hunt pigeons by hiding behind walls, dogs in Goa used to go with their puppy eyes to various restuarants or friendly foreigners. And their sixth sense is also incredible. they know exactly, who would feed them or who won't. Or even who would be scared of them. Or whom to tease. 


'khud or, haq mera, tere hawale kar diya

Jism ka har ruaan tere hawale kar diya'


Oh, I woke up from a crazy dream this morning. Don't remember the much of the dream except that it was teaching yoga to few students with proper named poses and all. But it was my school rival's duty to train them. I instead was assigned with some other duty. Instead of doing my own duty, I was more interested in teaching students yoga, for she was well ahead in choosing people and I just couldn't help myself but tell them what I knew. So me. Lol. 


Aah! And I gave myself  mental note the moment I woke up. I tried nothing it down but it didn't get saved. So I tried again in different words. Didn't come out as poetic, yet this is what it was.... 


'Behave how your highest self would behave. How you should ideally act from your highest self. Not based upon others' actions but what is right and how you would have behaved otherwise. 


- learned from a dream'


9:14

Also made a couple of calls finally to few publishing houses for both my books. For Hindi one, I got to full a huge form. For English one, well, found yet another publishing house to try. Thankfully, they  publish traditionally. That's what I want for my book. Traditional approach. 

Also, with my dream book gone thanks to my brother; I decided to send this Pushkar book itself to Penguine. It is afterall the best book I have written so far. And it is long. Also, non fiction. Almost an epic. If it gets selected by Penguine, that would surely be a dream come true. Life would become way easier than. For me as an author.  I would write many new books. And better. The best. 


Writing is something that I have no control over. It is a necessity for me. But imagine to be recognised, and appreciated for it. To earn from it. 


'Sirf mai hun, meri sansein hain aur meri dhadkanein..

Aisi gehraiyaiaan,

Aisi tanhaiyaan...

Aur mai, sirf mai... 

Apne hone par mujh ko yakeen aa gya'


9:18

I am on meds even today. But I feel way better. Finally there was no fever today. I still felt cold even in summers. But there wasn't any fever. And there was a weird black hard Mark upon my breast. I was scared what if it was a glass piece for it resembled how glass pieces in my foot looked back in Goa. I even tried plucking it out a few days back, but the skin there is soft - not like that of foot. I instead created a wound. Then I left it to itself. Applied nail paint hoping for it to freeze and heal. 

Yesterday I applied that ointment even there that doctor had prescribed. And the hard thing could easily be plucked out today. It was such a relief.


I had got that ointment for my shoulder skin though. But it worked even upon this issue. 

Would you believe that I am getting strange marks upon my upper back where had I been an angel, there would have been wings. And one is literally white in color. The other is darker in shade. I don't know the reason for it. Doctor says it can be an infection because of wet skin or hot climate for I was in Goa. But I don't think so. Any which way, it creeps me out and stays a mystery to me as well.... As long as it's not a disease. Doctor says it will go in few days. 

If nothing else, Kalaath's sulphur water would for sure heal it. 


9:24

I am sorry, you have to listen to all these random things... About my weird ass fears, such random thoughts, food, routine... Basically, I don't talk with anyone at all... And because I am not travelling these days, nothing new comes to my mind as well .. for I live too much in my present. I am sure, had you been a person and had it been a two way communication, I would have filled you with my numerous stories of last 11 years of travel... But, I be in now! And this is my now. Where I be in my peace. Think of random things till I get strength to go forward in my life. 


9:27

V. Soon I will get going though. That's for sure. 


Today is Goddess Kushmanda's day... The origin of universe. One from whose womb even Sun took birth. She gave life to Sun - the origin of energy. She represents all pervasive consciousness. Collective consciousness. Also, adishakti. And in mythology, she is Kartikeya's mother Parvati. 


Today I watched a fantasy movie and a romantic movie. Fantasy one ofcourse was transcendental and touched me more. Romantic one seemed crappy for it felt more of some girl's utopia - where a man changed just for her. Where does it happen? Usually, a person doesn't change until he himself wants to... Or else, until, life doesn't give him a shock.... And here she could change an arrogant selfish billionaire into a kind humble soul. Lol... This seemed more of fantasy than the fantasy movie I actually watched. 


Oh, the fantasy movie was 'One thousand one nights'. It was different one from the book. I would later share a quote I really loved in that movie. It was a short poem and beautiful one. 




9:34

'Doobe, Teri bahon mei doobe'


9:39

Half the things we usually talk about are usually. Actually most of it. That's why I am not a fan of talking much. Yet with right person or on right themes, conversations or expressing or listening can be such a livid learning experience. 


I also learned this from Michael. He had such commendable learning capacity. Always had such right questions. And because I could trust him and share so much with him, he almost read me as a book - most of my life... Ofcourse only the sections of it... Yet enough to become a novel..


And one can learn so much from anyone... Provided the other too is willing to share so much. And you have enough of patience and listening ability. One has to be non judgemental... Yet analysis is only natural... And together both learning something from the process! 


These days, I talk about the most mundane stuff with you. Well, this time of the day has never been my favorite. I don't like the time from 7 to 10... May it be AM or PM. Specially in cities. Morning, the world is rushing towards somewhere. Evening they come back tired or are still trying to shift! 


That's the phase of my life right now though. Of transformation. And when has transformation been beautiful? When a caterpillar turns into a butterfly, so much that he leaves behind. His cocoon, his memories... And while he detached himself and learns to fly - the process is so dependent upon his will his strength... And it is always a solo journey. No one else comes to help the caterpillar out. No one can as well. For then the caterpillar may get hurt. He had to do it by himself. 


I too will fly. Will transform my life. Thank you for being a spectator of it dear time. Thank you for recording it. 

I learn so much from you. 

I love you. 

I am grateful to you. 

For even basics like being a receiver to my concerns. For listening to me without judgements. Even the most randomest things! Thank you for being there. 


Right now, you are the only one! 

And, I am grateful for that. 


9:47

Today, we have sweet lassi in a gigantic jumbo mug instead of coffee. I had coffee just an hour back. And was feeling dehydrated. So lassi seemed like the right fit. 


I love dairy. Seriously! In all forms. And my doctor always reminds me to stay away from milk for it is bad for my IBS. Well, I simply can't. I have to take it in one or other form. I just love it. 

Everything made of milk... Curd... Ice creams... Lassi... Paneer... Cheese... Mayonese.... Khoya.. khoye waali roti...chaina murgi... Etc etc... 


Do you know, back in my childhood, whenever I used to get angry from my momsha for many days, she used to get me chaina murgi. And immediately I used to forget that I was upset and patch up with her. 


I miss her today. It's been a few days she has been home. Soon I would have to leave. Again. 


'Tere jaane ke baad 

Udasiyon se Hui hai yaari 

Kisi ne choda Mera haath...'


9:52

A flight passing by. Sign! 

Numerous tarot readings are ensuring an international trip for me these days. Well, I have no such plan as such. Don't even have a passport. I know that will happen on its own - without any efforts. 


Guruji today in guided meditation said that things should be effortless. Just like all pervasive consciousness. When we relax into a moment, things happen on their own. It's only when we try to make something happen rigorously with efforts that it goes even further away from us. That the right things happen on their own... Effortlessly..


'Hum ne tum pe hazaron sitam hain kiye

Hum ne tum par jahan bhar ke zulm kiye

Humne socha nahi 

Tu Jo ud jayegi 

Ye Jo duniya hamari

Sooni pad jayegi 

Kis ke dam par sajega 

Mera angana'


This song is so beautiful. When I had left home and gone to Pushkar, this one was my caller tone. I used to dedicate it to myself from my relatives' side.lol... 

It's music that has always been my aid. Emotions I never received.  Or maybe did but they lacked what I really needed. 

Not everyone is emotionally mature. Many are so innocent. They believe whatever is told to them. I have love for even them. Even forgiveness. Yet the walls are essential. For my own good. 


Entering any society also means rules, judgements, compromises, people pleasing, becoming a sub version of your own self. And I have grown so much from that. Just don't want to fit into any older versions of mine. Have too many sad memories and imprints from that time... 


'Tu gumsum hai 

Mai bhi pareshan hun'... 


10:03

One of my favourite books is 'Gone with the wind'. Seriously one of the best fictional books ever written! There, a huge emphasis was laid upon one's own land. I really wish that for myself. My own home in this huge world. 


Ofcourse, want to travel all around the world. But wish for a safe place and my own place to always come back to..


Aah! The Moon just drones in the arms of night. And peacoks sang just below it. 


10:05

Alright my love! Catch you tomorrow. 

Bye bye for now! 


'Saadgi to humari Zara dekhiye

Aitbaar aapke waade par kar liya'.


Ha ha! 

Loads of love. 

Mmmmuuuah


.......


April 13th, 2024

Delhi

9 PM


Hey love! Welcome! 


'The waves, the waves, the waves, the waves

Here you are

Next to me,

So much beauty at my feet

All I wanna do is swim

But the waves crashing in...

You are an ocean beautiful and blue

I wanna swim in you.'


First things first, it rained this evening and I had a happy splash in it. Simply loved it. I just love rain. And while bathing, I prayed to Jal/rain drops to heal me. Afterall, Delhi is but my birthland..the soil and water knows my raw material best. Rather, it is my raw material. So I prayed to the elements to heal me, to cleanse any unnecessary energies from my body and make me fresh and new. It felt great. 

Rain always pleases my soul. 


Also, much before that... When it was pre rain... That I heard neighbour screaming and calling their mother to check out something in the sky. I so hopes for a rainbow and therefore ran on terrace to check in the direction they were pointing to. Turned out, they were getting overjoyed at lightning. Such innocent is childhood. And I love thunders as well. Yet the fact that even if they are city kids, yet they get happy about thunders and lightening pleased me. Maybe because they are city kids that's why they got happy about it. For we don't really have much when it comes to nature. Yet we have enough of thirsty for it to appreciate whatever that we get. If, one has empathy and time and that childhood self still to live the little joys. 

Much later, I was editing one of my videos that it began to rain. I was hoping for a rain any way, but was less sure about even bathing in it. That's one flaw of education. It rigids you. Too much of information is actually harmful. So I didn't want to bath in acid rain for it would have rained untimely and it had been long that it had rained. But the moment rain began, immediately I heard kids singing a trending Nepali song that I don't remember the lyrics of... But as I looked down from my portico, I saw toddlers and kids amidst autumn windy leaves having the time of their lives - singing with core joy. 

And I too wanted it. So I was like, fuck acid rain. Let's just go. I want rain. I love rain. Fuck fever. I would rather get healed.

And though initially the rain drops seemed like stones for it was extremely windy but as I got completely drenched I began to love it.... Even sang a few songs. Didn't dance for there were neighbours. But overall, it was epic. 


A neighbourhood friend was also there on the other terrace. I know him for 10 years now. How time flies! He had become my friend after my break up. We even got close for a bit. But then he was bit immature and demanding... Plus my life required me to travel so much. And his family reacted like any typical barrow minded family would have and therefore I decided to never ever be any closer. So we do bump into each other times, are on civil terms. But it just seemed silly to me to still be good friends with him when clearly his family doesn't want it and he has to hide basic things like a friendship from them. But yeah, he still seems my own, minus his family. I just can't stand them. Once I gave it a thought, any person is a sum total of his family. So what's the point of getting any further there. He too carries the same seed. 

But that applies on me as well, when it comes to my family. Well, can't relate much there. Yet there is so much relatable - atleast in the creative, spiritual and intellectual part. Also, innocence. I always feel as if, I got the best of my mom and dad. And my brother got the worst and more cunning part of them, but also more socially required part. So I feel I am a better human being. And he is smarter in portraying to be better - what really works in our social system. 


A neighbourhood aunty today - also on terrace, had to pass a random comment - so typically. No matter how high as society you live in, people just can't help it. They have to pass a random comment or just say something to burn you, in order to feel better about their sad lives. And though I tried to control myself and not say anything for a long term, yet just before leaving, I too said something about her looks for she had commented upon mine. But I did it wittily. For I gave her a compliment cum comment. Well, we all have our dark moments. 

But I just feel weird about it. Like, why can't people meet and greet each other with respect and love without poking or digging in or trying to belittle you or something. Why is there this constant comparison, some weird race? Who is going to live forever over here? How does any of these things matter. 


I used to greet everyone with love and smile earlier. Now I don't feel like even bumping into anyone. For even a single unnecessary remark impacts me. Ofcourse, I need not take things personally.  But I feel bad about overall humanity. 


Aah! The cat is here. Also a random bird on the nearby tree. It's huge like an eagle but is making strange sounds like a monkey. Crazy. 


Weather today is really pretty. Pleasent and bit windy. Happy. 


I called a couple of publishing houses even today. Going a step further I guess. Hope it works out this time. Also can get my coloring books published from the same place. Something will come out of it, I am sure! 


Last night I finally made a cream that I had long wishing to experiment with. Base is of alovera gel. In that, I put in zinc oxide for SPF (Sun protection), vitamin e (for anti-oxidation), vitamin c (again and anti oxidant also cleanses clogged pores), Lavander oil (for spiritual protection), Lemon oil (for tan removal), and a little bit of rose oil (to have love vibes)... I had to blend then together but I instead steam boiled and then mixed them. Later froze it all. And it has come out to be perfect. 


And before that, I colored the bottle caps of those tiny round bottles I had got from market. I painted them with acrylics and later coated a transparent nail paint upon them to seal the shades. The bottles below are transparent. One has that newly created cream..another has DIYd lip balm. Both look so pretty. And ofcourse are healthy. For I know each ingredient in them. 


I have never been into much cosmetics. Alovera gel is the only thing that I apply in my face for past many years. Yet, I don't know why, I am feeling like doing all these things these days! 

Well, why not! A little care goes a long way! It's a form of self love! And healthy one! 

A friend is calling and texting me to go for a drive right now. Ofcourse I am with you. And not going anywhere right now. But it feels nice that I have that option. 

I wouldn't have gone even otherwise. For he doesn't put in any efforts. I asked him the other day to go for sunrise somewhere together. For its with him that I had gone to Yamuna Bank years ago. And being in Delhi, I would loved to have that experience. The guy point blank refused that that is his meditation time. And he can not go. He checks with me at nine often times for he returns back from office. I won't be anyone's paas time. If you won't prioritise me, why would I give you my time. 


Same reason why I didn't go to Vrindavan with another friend for Holi. That guy stays in Noida. And way to Vrindavan goes from there itself. And given any other time, I would have done exactly that - to reach Noida on my own and then go together. But one, I didn't have strength because of my health. And another, I am just tired of these guys with their none to half ass efforts. I don't want to just hang out. Don't want to just check out. I would love to be dated. Would love to be respected for my time and company. Had he come like a gentle man to pick me, I wouldn't have minded even going for a few days' trip with him. Had he even valued me enought to take his car instead of going in a bus, that would have pleased me so much. Not because of it being a car. Come on, I am a traveller. I don't mind any mode of commute. But because of that road trip feel. That value. That togetherness. That feeling that someone is willing to drive for you, to come pick you, to take care of you. 


I would go on my own if I have to go in a bus, or reach a common point, or 'hang out' or check out a place! Be worth my time as well. And not just things, even the kind of people that they are. ... Anyway I am a loner. And if I do accept company, I go more for their energy and humanity. But intellect, healed self, chivalry, numerous things are essential. 

And I want quality people in my life. People I can learn from, get inspired from. Who are good at heart and also mind. Who respect me and I respect them. Not out of necessity but it just happens on its own. Connections are a two way street. And I don't want to keep on overgiving on frivolous unhealed people with their hollow ego. 


I want to be a woman that I am. Am tired of carrying this masculine energy everywhere. Ofcourse when I travel or when it comes to work, it gets essential to be strong and get things done with practicality, logic, initiating things, taking actions... But when it comes to connections, I want people who put in efforts. And treat me like a lady. 

I don't want to just hang out. Have done that enough. For even those friendships don't last. Only leave a robbed kind of feeling. I want connections that give me as well. 

Feminine energy is more receptive. And high time, I become it. 


9:41

Today I made kuttu ke chille and kuttu ke bhalle for food. And had lassi numerous times to keep myself hydrated.  Bhalle are still left. Will dip them in curd and have them later. 


9:42

'Ye tarey jo ab toote to

In khwaishon mei tu hi rha hai'


Today is Skanda maata's day. Means a mother of a soldier. Guruji in today's meditation suggested to take focus upon that motherly energy within us which is not only full of compassion and motherly love, but also is relaxed for it knows that it's son is there to protect her. So she doesn't need to be giving, but can instead relax for everything is well and that her son is a soldier to protect her from any harm. And therefore Skandamaata represents that version of consciousness which though is powerful enough to create everything, yet is relaxed, rather proud for she knows that everything is now well taken care of and she doesn't need to be scared or defend her kids anymore. For her kids are now strong. Basically life is well taken care of.  


'Tu khwaab saja 

Tu jee le Zara

Hai tujhe bhi ijazat 

Kar le tu bhi 

Mohabbat'


9:50

This afternoon I had momsha's dream. I was telling her about some reel that I had seen and we were laughing together upon it. Even in my dream I was dazzled. Been so long we have laughed together. Things have been so complicated for past few years. 


'Khayalon ka sheher

Tu jaane tere hone se hi aabaad hain'.


Even till few years back, in all of my dreams, my mom used to be always there. Always! No matter how crazy the dream used to be. But now it's rare. Well, I was missing her anyway yesterday. Maybe, that's why I dreamed of her. 


I also had another dream where I was milking a cow. But in my dream itself that I remembered that it wasn't me but an aunty who used to milk a cow in Manali the last time I stayed at a local's house there. Glad I remembered it. Will check it's interpretation later. 


Thank you dear Nine for inspiring me to do something about getting my books published. That's really a long held dream. And would really mean so so much when it will come true. 


'Your love is big enough 

Made me tripping on you!'


I also began editing Pulga's videos. That work is pending in my lapi for past two three years. These past few days in Delhi, I have been able to take care of so much pending things. Generally my mind doesn't work here. Or I feel like going out again. Homealone has its own perks. Also, the freedom that I can move out any time yet being here. Maybe, it's not just physical healing that I needed, but even in terms of my life. 

Honestly, my mind keeps on churning so much often times. Even meditations are not as peaceful. For my mind keeps on thinking things, processing emotions. But maybe, it is crucial. That has been my way - always. To think so much that you make your journey through the entire black hole and then become a new star! 

'The only way is through', I always say! And that's how it will be! 


'Fading in, fading out

On the edge of paradise

Every inch of your skin

Is a holy grill I got to find!'


10:00

Alright my love! Good night for now! 

Catch you tomorrow. 

Loads of love! 

Mmmmmuuuuaah 

........


April 14, 2024

Delhi 

9 PM

Hey love! My 9 with 90% battery. Ha ha! Welcome! 

Am listening to blues tonight! 

It has been a strange day. Rather it has hardly been a day. For I woke up pretty late. 

My family is back..told you... These days my intuition is sky rocketing. And dreams are simply showing my immediate future. 

Day before I dreamed of momsha, and yesterday they all came back. Then just this afternoon I woke up seeing a dream where I was lipstick shopping with momsha. And later I noticed her wearing the same shade. A bit darker. Yet it reminded me of my dream. Crazy! 

I worked upon Pulga video this evening. Did audio recording for at home I have a full power headphone that barricades all noise and records in professional quality. Also, checked out a few more publishers. 

Last night I listened to my 4 AM blogs - also written in Delhi. And by chance that I played them exactly at 4 AM, even last night. And weather was same like November early morning. So it all resonated. I was so imaginative and creative even a few years back. And look how boring and mundane I have become. Those blogs seemed so fierce, firy, romantic, passionate, transcendental. All I write about these days is what I do daily. So boring. Guess have really grown up! Where has my passion gone? Where has that heat gone? Truly my gut has been impacted. Else, I was super dreamy and passionate. But also, that I used to smoke up back then. And now I don't do anything. 

Well, anyway, that's why I decided to share my Goa memories with you. Not bout this trip. Not even about people. But just about various beaches over there. For that was indeed the last place I lived at. 

Though, today I saw a reel of one of my Manali friends. Just looking at snow covered mountains made my soul wet! Ha ha! Can't wait now! 

To hell with all these concerns about career and health. Can't really stay away from mountains. They seem like the only home. 


'And the way that I will miss you

I guess you will know 

We have been along so long

To have to separate this way

I am going to let you go on 

Head on baby

Right till you come back home 

Some day!'


9:09

Why am I mistyping 8 for 9 today? Weird! That's for next year though. I guess I will go max till 7. That would cover the entire 12 hour clock! Mostly AMs though. 


'Why don't you reconsider baby

Give yourself a little more time!'


We have a crescent moon drowned in clouds right upon our head. Dreamy, misty. 


I so want a home with kitchen this time in Manali. And want to stay there for a long long time. Most probably would also carrynmy laptop! 


9:12

So wanna know more about Goa? So my favorite has always been South Goa. North was what I began with. But from the very first trip that South Goa was a part of my experience. And I always loved it way more. 

For starters there's Palolem. It has the best of silent night parties on Saturdays. Where three DJs play together different kinds of music all at one time. And each has a headphone to switch and choose the music of his/her choice. From Palolem a boat can be taken to a secret island called butterfly island. Which was totally offbeat eleven years ago, but now all these so called 'travellers' have been there and I have heard that even that has become touristy. But back when I went, you were not allowed to stay for more than half an hour over there. And the boat that took you, on your way, there used to be numerous dolfins simply living the best of their lives in the sea. And you could actually see them jumping and hopping upon waves. And butterfly island was totally foresty. With gentler waves to even take a swim. 

And Palolem also offered water sports like para-sailing and kayaking. Para-sailing there is totally worth it. They tue you to a ship and take you mid air and then tap you in the sea and again take you high up with the speed of the boat and again thrust you down and repeat that, until either you r hosting stops or you give up. The more naughty and thrill seeking you are, the more taps that you get. You can imagine the fun those people received in thumping me in the sea - again and again till they ran out of time. But I didn't give up. Ha ha. 


Then, there is a beautiful silent beach called Agonda. It is very peaceful. Hardly any Indians. Mostly foreigners. Even nine ten years ago that foreigners used to lie naked upon beach there. And there was hardly any music scene. But nature wise it is extreamly abundant. One can hike upon various rocks, plateaus around and reach unknown beaches. The rocks are differently hued there. And numerous hidden ways take you to various places. And towards a other side is an option to go for kayaking. To a secret back river that later merges into the sea. Not sure if this river was in Palolem or Agonda. But wherever it was, it was crazy. For high tides filled the way with water and only boats could take you to the other side witha single cafe. And during low tides that you can reach on a white sand beach. And if you do go for kayaking, you reach a beautiful green river with mangroves and seagulls. If you feed those seagulls, they would simply surround your kayak and it's such a magical experience. I love eagles and seagulls. They are so mighty and spectacular. 


My favorite though is Cola beach. I love that place in entire Goa. One side has sea and another has a lake. The temperature varies ofcourse between salty sea and fresh water Lake. So does the color. But they all lie parallel. Turquoise lake, then patch of sandy beach, then the wide blue sea. You can do kayaking in the lake or take a swim. But the beach is not at all welcoming to Indians. There are very few shacks there, that too pretty high end. You can't order until you are staying and stays there are extreamly expensive. Apart from their conduct, the place is simply magical. Seriously beautiful. A heaven on earth. 


Coming to North, Ashvem used to be quite legit. With very few resorts with their private beaches. But this time I realised even that place has sold it's soul. I have nothing against Indians for I too am one. But wherever a majority of Indians reach, somehow it becomes trash. Ashvem is still not that bad. It will be soon. Just like Arambol has become total trash. Earlier it used to have such epic creativity, beauty, nature abundance, artists flowing free. That was the main reason, that ever since I visited Arambol, nowhere else seemed home. But this time, it was mostly locals filled with lust - people who have hardly seen the world, who take women as pieces of objects. Art has been sold there. And only place where artists feel free is either within four walls or in nature. Yet, there are few places still, where people can go free. Places about which not many Indians know. There the foreigners do politics. Yet, apart from few rotton minds, mostly it's free and epic. Still not trashed by lust or garbage like rest of Arambol. Would you believe, when I reached there, the first fifteen days, every time I went on the beach to walk, some or other nobody had the guts to ask for sex directly. It was so humiliating and always made me furious. But I learned to deal with that without taking things personally. Also, that locals got to know me after a bit and my persona became so that nobody dared to even come close after a bit. Yet, the fact that I had to face that initially. Also, the presence of numerous African women there at night just for that purpose. It just kills the vibes. I know I shouldn't judge. But I can't help it. I have really lived that place at much pure and creative a dimension. And now it was sad to see it so sold in character and values. 


9:33

Vagator is another beach. It has up end places with party vibes. Once I have parties a lot with my friends there. Also that with my ex that I had stayed there. The best shopping ever of my life happened there. Yet it doesn't seem the best place to live when in Goa. For beach is far off. And it all seems expensive and show offy. Nothing authentic about it. 

Just to party it's fine I guess. 


I am forgetting the name of that one beach which has the best of events. Pretty high end. Yet crazy epic parties, shows, great artists. I will remember sooner or later. 


Then ofcourse there are popular places like Hill Top, sundowners etc... well, everybody knows about them. So makes no sense. I like to be different. And I have spent 12 years in various installments there. Numerous memories and explorations. Not possible to sum it all. Yet that's what came to mind first of all. 


And that's why I won't even mention Bagha. Ha ha. Just did. Simply not my kind of vibe. Too touristy. Not me. Won't be. 


'I gotta leave now...

Sad thing in my life...

I gotta leave right now ..'


Yet Bagha is where we had one New year. Where Manku played and my entire soul tribe was there. It was also Ashu's birthday. And we all had dinner together after boosting Manku's gig. 

Also, Bagha was the first beach ever where I had reached when I visited Goa for the first time. Well, we all grow up...


'Hold me over

Call me over

I'm gonna miss my baby'


9:45

Suddenly I am reminded of this one place in Karnataka. It's around 159 kms from Bangalore. One of my favourite places. It's called Hemawathi. It's a tiny island made by backwater of Hemawati river. I had gone there with my riding club of Bangalore.. water is knee deep there... One can walk or have that natural jacuzi feel in the mild flow of the river.... Or walk a bit to reach deep and take that round bamboo boat to cross the river and reach a river fall and bath with a life jachet on. Or simply relax upon netted trees above river or climb trees or escalate a jute rope and splash down into the river upon a tied seat or hang upon a tire swing hanging right above the river or cross a jute bridge to balance or else lie down upon it an inch above water. Simply a meet with nature. Given a chance, I would love to visit that place again. 


But I also feel that now I want to explore the world. After ofcourse covering north east. Yet the seven sisters are still left - after which I would have covered major portions of my country. And then, I can begin my international travels. That's my dream. To visit nature, feel it up-close - int he entire world. To not be stagnated at one place. But touch every soul, smell all flowers, dance in rain, bath in every river in the world, feel various wonders of the world! To be the Mystical Wanderer. To also be a Vibe Weaver. To create as many versions of mine as possible. To evolve, learn, keep on enhancing my vibe, meet unique people, gain new skills, read new books, create movies, release songs, write books, drown in art, exploration, adventure. To also act in nature video. To even try out modelling. To challenge my own limits. And be an unbelievable version of my own self. Beyond my own expectations. 

To fulfill the dreams in my own capacity. And even fulfill dreams that universe has for me. 


9:54

'I just have to sing the blues

I have been around a long time 

Yes, yes, I am feeling blues!'


Neighbours upon the terrace beside. We will have to lay low. Ha ha! It feels so childish. 


9:57

Oh, I made Sabudana/tapioca kheer today with cardamom and brown sugar, raisins and loads of dry fruit. I wanted to boil it enough to make a kulfi out of it, but I forgot to turn off the gas on time for I was busy editing my video. So the mixture got half burnt. Ha ha. Well, I savoured what was left and later kept it in the freezer. I hope it has not got that burnt feel. Any way, I am gonna make it. For I have made it. Ha ha. One has another level of sympathy, forgiveness and acceptance when it comes to one's own cooking. Isn't it? Lol. 


Well, anyway I am fasting. Taste shouldn't be my main concern. 


I couldn't meditate today. Will update you about the goddess tomorrow. 


10:00

'Well I see you everyday

You're my bae

I've got my eyes on you!'


Alright my love! 

These days, I am connected to the motherly energy. The universal womb. Adishakti. 

Maybe that's why there's less fantasy and more reality. 

But all the more reason to imagine and manifest. 

Well, the divine feminine knows the best. 

A child doesn't have to always cry and ask. Mother knows the best. Or sometimes the child do have to cry to say that it is hungry or thirsty or in pain. I just hope that universe knows what is best. For I don't know what's best for me. I can't ask anymore. Can't really think straight. I hope the eivine conciousness shows me the best. I really have no strength to see my way from here. But I do have faith. And that's why I am willing to act whereever my concious would take me. Knowing that it would be the best for me! 


Love you love. Good night. 

Keep singing. Keep dancing. 

Keep listening to good music. 

Keep creating. 

Know that an all encompassing energy is always there with you - loving you, taking care of you, knowing the best for you. 

And ofcourse, I am here, 

Always loving you. 

I love you! 

Stay blessed. Stay happy! 

Remember to listen to the chirping of birds - wherever you be. Remember to smell the fragrance of flowers for it is spring. Remember to smell the soul before and after rain. Do step out and always always feel the rain. Ensure to check out sunrises and sunsets. Dress up, feel your best. 


Loads of love! 


'I know you can do it'


Mmmuuuah


.......


April 15, 2024

Delhi 

9 PM


Hey love! Welcome! I just got done with a super powerful meditation. Just give me some time to go upstairs. Just a little bit yo! And then we will continue our meet from our special spot. 


Today is Kaalratri's day! And the meditation was sure effective. Will tell you all about it in some time. 


9:04

Alright yo! Here we are. Weitha. Short pretty Moon with two stars right beside it. 


And I feel strangely turned on - energetically I mean... After the meditation. My nipples are erect. Not because of cold, but because of energy. And through out meditation that I felt, as if half my head was cut off...for I hardly felt it. Also that I saw a blue light. And was almost making love to the night. When Guruji guided to surrender to universal consciousness, to the energy of darkness/or that which is all pervasive, or ether.... I was just one with the celestial universe, with entire cosmos - I could even feel my lips open up ... It was just I as elan energy upon earth and the entire universe with numerous stars upon my head. ..  and today, for the first time, I could feel the energy within swaying in a different motion. Rather than forward and backward from root, it was right and left in the centre of the head.... And it all felt like I was making love. 

Can also be the impact of the book I read the entire day today - 'Company of women's by Khushwant singh. But that I found way different from my principles for it preferred lust over love. 

This experience that I just had was beyond body entirely. For it was the love making of some energetic body of mine to the entire universe. It was seriously super powerful. I thank you for even that. For I did it, all because I wished to tell you about the energy of kaalratri... What guruji generally tell in the beginning of these sessions. But it became all the more special, for the experience of it became way more personal and powerful and worth sharing with you. 


9:11

One more day left of fasting. Day after, on Navmi, I will open my fasts. Today, I don't know why but I was feeling excessively hungry. One reason could have been that I had not made anything for myself from yesterday. Momsha made Sabudana khichdi for me last morning and today she made kuttu ke dhodhe. I found them tastier but I feel more full when I cook for myself now. 

Yet it was great to not cook. And simply find mom made food. It's rare for me now for I mostly am outside. 


This morning began with a weird dream. I dreamed of that so called fake friend of mine from Bangalore. I visited her in some vacation place where she had gone with her husband and one more couple. They tried to get rid of me..I then returned back sitting upon the roof-top of a super tall truck/lorry! I was scared of falling down but I reached safely. I came back only to visit a friend who was a tattoo artist. I showed him a new tattoo I had got which had a baby elephant and two more tiny things. He loved it. He then inspired me to practice tattoo making and gave me a pattern to practice my lining. And that is what I was doing when I woke up.


As I woke up, I found my hips and upper thighs paining again.... I got all the more sure that it was her that must have done some evil eye on me. Because even when I had visited her in Bangalore, the first night itself that I told her that I felt as if someone has injected me in my hips. She laughed about it. Intuitevely I know, she did something. And the entire day this kept on going on in my mind. How I left my stable job back in Bangalore years ago because of her. How she had always been jealous of me. How she must have done something on me even then. And how she stopped talking to me every time I was doing well. .  


Yet, no matter what anyone does. Our innocence and faith is the greatest. I had loved her and considered her a friend. What she did was her karma. And I have always been divinely protected. Whatever she might have done may give her some short term benefit, but in the longer run she would literally face all her karma 1000 times more. For that's how divine keeps my score. 


Any way, her life is a punishment enough. What more can be said about her. 


But I stayed largely disturbed just to see her in my dream. Dear Nine, again I request, please make me forget her. 


Though, she also became a lesson. That love can't be bought and not can over giving. Also, haughtiness would only bring one hatred and would make one seem even more ugly. Once I saw her with love, and therefore how she looked never mattered. But after seeing her behaving so badly, cunningly, seriously made her look so ugly. 


Dear cosmos, please, never make me so ugly in life.  Never make me be so insecure in love that I fail to see my own friends. Never make me be so jealous that I fall down to ill methods. Never make me so desperate that I pay for a guy to just show society some fake face. 


Thank you cosmos for giving me dignity and self respect. She became such a huge time lesson of what not to be, how not to behave and I hope I neither become so ugly in my life, nor attract any such vibes. 


Now that I have learned my lesson about fake friends. Now that I also learned that no matter what I do for any man, until he really wants to be with me, I can't really get his respect, love or attention....now that I have seen the epitome of desperation in her... Please just save the lessons and remove all her memories or energetic impacts from my life. I am thankful that I learned how to be authentic. For she lives such a fake rented life... As she pretends to be so much she is not.... And I am really thankful that I can be who I am freely and proudly...  Now, just remove her from my memory or body.... 


You are the .sot powerful. 

Dear kaali, you have created everything. You won't let an evil eye prosper. Remove all her traces from me. I was a fool to ever trust her or consider her my friend. But you are kaali. The destroyer of all demons. Destroy her energy from my life. Destroy her memory from my mind. 

What you do with her is upto you. I don't want her impressions upon me. 

So today, on the 7 th day of my fasting, I ask you divine, I ask you conciousness, to remove any unnecessary energies from past or present from me. To guide me upon right path. To heal me. 

Let those that erred me, face their karmas. Remove their impact from me. 

So be it! Mote it be! 


9:33

Let's play some music now yo! Let's make our conversation a bit light. 


Aah! Have played John Mayer after a long time... 


'I hate to see you cry 

Lieing there in that position 

There are things you need to hear 

So turn off your tear...

... 

Love turns the whole thing around....

Our life is good...'


Oh, last night I watched one of the best movies of my life. It was called 'Words'. I will share the link later. To my future self, if you ever need motivation to write yet another book just watch that movie. 

It's epic. 

Here's the link! 


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSYmOg5MCPE


'Just keep me where the light is!'


This song 'Gravity' always reminds me of a guy. I heard this song in Manali the first time via him. I found his energy dark back then. Also that once he kicked my dog Blue on the stage. And so I got cold shouldered about him. Yet I learned a few songs from him. This one was one of them. We even played few more instruments together. Like he introduced me to hand drum. And ensured to call me fr various of his gigs. Yet I always seeked that good side in him while each time he disappointed me, either chasing foreigners or short term benefits... 

Yet all my musical journey so far has happened thanks to numerous musicians I met or spent time with during my travels. Someone taught me rock, someone sufi... Someone took my voice to higher notes with howls and shrills. Someone taught me to sing at as low a note as possible. And hence though at that time it all seemed difficult for to me they all were teachers and better than me at music... Yet sooner or later, it was them That came to my mind and soul when I tried to learn those notes.. and they became my invisible teachers and inspired me and helped me without even being there. 


'Dont say a word just come over 

And lie here with me 

Coz I am about to set fire 

To everything we need!'


Back in Goa, there was one night with Michael... I had not slept for I guess three or four days straight. And had travelled all over each day. Yet I wanted to meet him still at night. For he always seemed a therapy, a relief to my soul. So I did meet him. And around 3 AM, when not only was I sleep deprived, but also slightly drunk... And because I was so tired that we had smuggled ourselves into some closed beach shack... And were talking while sitting upon a sofa in a dark half closed cafe... That I began to hallucinate .. On one hand there were we talking .... In another, I could literally see stars upon wall. And one wall had a man's painting that seemed like a real man to me. And again and again that I imagined various musician friends of mine playing around or tuning their instruments... I knew they were figment of my imagination. Yet they seemed too real to my eyes. And I was so dazed that I even tried to sip from a closed bottle. Ha ha. Well, we had to call it a night earlier than usual. For I told him that I was speaking but wasn't really registering anything in my mind. And he was simply amused by it all. So was I. We even saw two meteors that night later on.... 

Honesty, it was one of the most magical nights of Goa of this trip. 

But it also became a lesson. That all my musician friends just like my soul tribe always remain with me energetically. That I don't really need to be with them personally. They all are there with me. It was such a great feeling. 


In a way that night healed one of the biggest trauma/emotional wound of mine back from Manali (where one night I had hallucinated upon all my friends disappearing into thin air.)... This night taught me that all my soul tribe always remains with me. Energetically. 

How beautiful. How powerful. 


And so does spirituality teaches. That the entire universe lives within. And we don't really need to chase anyone or anything. 


'Love on the weekend 

Like only we can...

I am coming up 

And I am loving every minute of you'


9:56

Moon is seriously so pretty tonight. Less than half. But golden. Cute thick crescent. Maybe just a day or two before half. 


10:03

Oh, I didn't tell you about what Kaalratri signifies.. so guruji insisted upon it being non-dualism. That kaalratri though seems fierce raging with her tongue out, but it is that side of consciousness which is just everywhere. There is no good or bad. It's night. It's the comfort of night. Where one can rest. There is no judgement. No illusions caused by light. It's a mother's womb. The comfort of sleep. The entire universe with all of its celestial energies. There is no matter there. Just being without any duality!!


10:05

'Slow dancing in a burning room's


Alright my love! Goodnight for now. 

See you tomorrow. 

Loads of love! 


Mmmmuuuaaah!


......


April 16, 2024

Delhi

9 PM


Hey love! Let's begin our session with Om! ooooooommmmm! Om! 

For I so need it today. 

It's a clear sky with stars and half a moon. Wanna sip orange juice? I love pulpy orange! 


Happy Durga-Ashtami. Today is Mahagauri's day! Parvati. The motherly energy. 

Weirdly though all I feel today is apathy. I got up feeling angry for unknown reasons. In the afternoon, I was so angry that I was feeling like breaking and shattering a glass somewhere. It was weird. There was no reason. And I have never felt that angry to ever break anything. Max I do is verbally shatter someone's soul. But there was no one I was angry at. There was just no reason. And there was an empty glass glass kept there and all I was craving to do was to break it to pieces somewhere. I thought managed to distract my mind. But I felt so bored that I had weird suicidal thoughts. It was a weird day. Also my IBS flared up. I had loose motions and pain in my stomach. 

Thankfully I began to read one of my favorite author's book. Author - Danielle Steele. Book's name is Ransom. Yet to finish it. But even that has so much of pain in it. Well, at times someone's else's pain helps you forget your own life. Maybe that's why people take more interest in the plight of others to forget their own loneliness. Who knows! 


Even Manali is not exciting me this time. I am honestly bored of even that. Earlier it used to feel home. Now even there I don't really connect much. I don't know where I belong to be honest. Pushkar is too conservative, too many people interested in your life, too patriarchal... Though I love satsangs there. But that's about it. I don't want to live in a desert. 

Manali though offers an abundance of nature but Offlate it too has got corrupted by city vices. and therefore I fail to find good friends even there. Also the fact that there are mostly people who are into substances over there and I don't do anything any more, so I fail to connect even there. 


Living at home always makes me feel sick at all levels. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Just today I was thinking, there is so much to be thankful for. Yet I fail to appreciate it. For I feel homesick at my own home. I feel like a prisoner without anyone ruling my life. I just fail to be myself over here. 

And I don't even know where else to go, what to do now. 

All I feel here is anger. A lot of it. About past, about present. About future. About all my traumas. How they impacted me. 

Yet those things can't be changed. People can't be changed. But they did affect me. And they still affect me. How I can't trust anyone. How I can't still make decent friends. How I prefer to be alone. How I need so much of reassurance from my own self before doing anything even if I be epic at it. And how I still attract either narcissists outside or people who like to feel good about themselves by making me feel down about myself. I don't want that. So I don't socialise much. For I don't trust myself anymore even at choosing people.


'Ye zindagi jo hai naachti to

Kyun bediyon mei hai tere paun 

Preet ki dhun mei naach le paagal

Udta agar hai udne de anchal.'


Now that I listen to my songs from before, I can totally hear the voice of a traumatized or abnormal girl..I wonder, if others can also make it - to bully me or laugh at me. 

Well, I had also carried a strong ego for years. Maybe that's why not many got a chance. But the voice to my own ears - clearly says that. 

Now that my ears are so super sensitive to not only hear sounds at other frequencies but also identify healthy or unhealthy sounds. 


Air today is so fragrant... Filled with 'Raat ki raani's presence around. 

Also, Sirius seems to be extra bright today.. as if assuring me of its presence beside. 


'ye jeena bhi hai jeena kya bhala

Thami hain sansein 

Mann bhi hai bhujha 

Hai Dil lagane ki ye saza

Koi Dil lagaye na'


9:18

This time in Goa, I made two new friends. One was deceitful and married and also attracted towards me. The other was emotionally wounded because of a hearbreak and though liked my presence but hardly expressed it which because of my traumatic past became all the more reason for me to be willing to again and again reach him, to heal him and be attracted towards him. Also because the way the first one again and again asked if it was him or the other one. Honestly Love wasn't even in my mind. Or even attraction but there is this manipulation technique where you don't ask a person if he is thirsty but instead ask him if he wants a coke or a juice and 99% times that the person makes a choice between those drinks even if he wasn't thirsty. All in all, I wasted a lot of time there. And though it felt home at that time. For they seemed to be people with genuine emotions. But I kept on giving emotionally, time wise, energetically to two guys who were toxic in their own ways and also impacted me in many unhealthy ways...  

They literally manipulated my emotions and I was stupid enough to be vulnerable. And I lost my focus. Another reason that scares me to step back in the world. For I feel so naive when it comes to emotions - always thirsty for emotions, for genuine connections. And always in hands of toxic narcissists or people who don't know how to handle my gentle heart. 

They still cared for me one way or other. But while they gave compliments but also raised doubts .. and suddenly I was concious of my facial hair... And no more believed in my musical ability... And though judged watching random reels yet that's what I began doing.... Crazy how our company impacts us big time. 


They were the third reason why I had gone to Bangalore. For I didn't know how to not visit them despite of knowing that they were not healthy for me ... Without leaving Goa. Well, Thanks to that fake friend, I had to return back to Goa. Again to be in the same state in Goa. Well, maybe I was paying back my karmic debts... Or who knows!!! 


9:27

'Runuk jhunak paayal baaje'


This song reminds me of Rishikesh always because that's where I had heard it for the first time. And I feel the turquoise of river Ganga... The white sandy beach... Uff, the peace! 


9:30

Today is the last day of my fasting. Tomorrow would be Naumi. And I would be free to move anywhere if I would feel like... May it be Manali or elsewhere. I wasn't even talking on phone with anybody for I wanted it to be a proper fast at all levels. That's why avoided meeting friends here as well. Also didn't want to.


9:35

Mom is looking for a girl for my brother. I pity the girl who would marry him. He is a wolf in the garbs of sheep. She would have to listen to him bragging all the time, would have to compliment him hundreds of times to boost his ego. Would have to bear his narcissism. 

And ofcourse the patriarchal mindset! 


Weird! How nobody can say about anybody until they really get to know them. Also, so many reasons for a person becoming a certain way. 


Numerous people go around in the world - looking perfectly normal outside but deep in they carry so much. Wounds, traumas, complexes, fears, ego, pride, false identities, illusions.... 


Maybe that's why spirituality is so focussed upon finding oneself. This constant search for who are you. Beyond any tags, beyond your position, beyond whatever roles you perform in society... Who you are in essence... And are you happy there.... 


Right now, even I am unhappy. For I don't feel healthy at any level. But I am trying to cure it. 

But that doesn't mean that I don't love myself or need any reassurance from outside. I would love though to have a little support from outside. To fuel my dreams and give platform to my skills. Divine will help me do that. I know that. 


'Keh de mujh se 

Dil mei kya hai

Aisa bhi kya guroor... 

Tujh ko bhi to 

Ho rha hai 

Thoda asar zaroor...'


And I can't even share any of my health concerns with my mom. For she would immediately talk about it to hundreds of others. She just doesn't know how to keep even her own daughter's things private. And I ofcourse don't want random or even knowns to know anything about my life. 

Ironically I share so much here. But you are time. You know it all. 

Yet, it gives me peace when I share with you anything. 


Still, if someone stupid texts me randomly giving me advice about my concerns shared over here, I feel super angry. Like I know it's a blog. And shared publically. It's not my personal diary. Even I don't know why I share so freely here for one month every year... But that is not to get senseless advices from random people. It's my only lent out. It's my connection to divine. To time. And maybe one day I may learn something from my own timeline... Or one day it all may make sense to me or someone else - all together. But has no meagre purpose or to give anybody a reason to talk to me or offer their concern. It rather maynmake me concious or furious or makes me judge people for being interested in others' business for things I share here are way too personal to me for any known to even read. To a stranger it may become a lesson... Like a biography... Or a case study... Or I don't know even then if it would be of any interest. For right now my own life bores me so much . What good can come out of this barren a time.. I wonder! 


'Chodo bhi gila 

Hua Jo hua

Lehron ki zubaan ko Zara samjho

Samjho kya kehti hai hawa!'


9:50

And the neighbours are back on nearby terrace. 

Why do I prefer solitariness and seclusion so much? 


This terrace though belongs to someone know. He lives elsewhere so the terrace remain vacant. He is an intellectual and always inspired me to read perssian poets. He was the first one to recommend me 'Forty rules of love'.. Well, as I sit on his terrace, I day dream about having many plants here upon this terrace... Even a terrace garden for that matter with a patch of green and river rocks... But ofcourse, neither out society's terraces are strong enough to support that. Nor any terrace is anyone's personal property. Nor I ever be here for so long to actually do any of that. Yet, it's always beautiful to imagine. 


For years, imagination was my only escape and therapy from reality. Offlate, I am becoming more and more of a realist. And therefore life seems doomed. 


But I am a writer and an artist. I will get my passion back. I am sure of that. Will get my emotions back. I am sure of that. 


Right now I am living the emotions called Apathy. I am disinterested in doing most of the things. Nothing fuels me anymore. Not even imagination or emotions. Nothing instigated that ason within - not even travel or music. 


I feel the same like that guy I wanted to heal. Boxed in. Boring. Bored. And this feels a hell of another kind. It's sickening. 


 More people on next terrace. What day is it? Why are people suddenly so free! Lol.... Well, it's nice that they are walking at night. I just don't want anyone to see me or even I see them.. This moon, these stars, mild clouds are all I wanna see. 


'Aie kaash kaash yun hota

Har shaam saath tu hota

Chup chaap Dil na yun rota

Har shaam saath tu hota.'


Each time I get attracted towards someone, I imbibe a lot more than attributes, qualities... I also get spiritually connected at times or emotionally... There are all kinds of connections right!!! 


I would have to free myself from all unnecessary attachments. 


10:00

Also, would have to be way way more careful to not allow myself to fall into something so toxic ever again. That was a step back. I knew it was wrong for me. Yet I am also thankful, for while it impacted my self esteem but also made me realise about the unhealthy patterns of my life. Way more than how they were, I became more aware of that self in me that allowed such unhealthy connections to have that special a place in my life. The reason for giving them that kind of power over my own sense of self. Trauma, unhealed wounds are the reason. And I have to heal them first, much before getting into any new connections. 


Yet my Tarot readings also suggest that it is impossible to heal and only then enter any connections. That awareness is the first key of healing. And that you heal with forming new connections. You heal by finding your new support group. Place where you feel home. 


My sense of home though is quite distorted. For each time I feel home anywhere, it turns out to be toxic. For that's what I have known in my life. 

Emotionally speaking. Psychologically speaking. Otherwise it has been abundant thankfully. But maybe that's why I began to abhor even material abundance. 

But that only impacted me adversely. I misjudged the real causes. 


Maybe I still am doing it. There is so much that I doubt now - even my own judgement. It is difficult to find faults in people you love. And it is even more difficult to digest how much they impacted you adversely or how it was your love that allowed that to happen. 


Yet Love seems to be the answer to all. Trusting life or anyone else becomes crucial to healing. At the same time, love and trust were the reasons why you reached a certain pit. 


And that's why I don't know whom to trust, if to trust. Whom to really love, if to ever love.... What to do... For so much that didn't work out. Ofcourse to keep trying on. But till when? Till I finally achieve what I wish to achieve. Do I really know that? Then maybe knowing is the first step. What is it that I wish to achieve if I be given the godpower to have anything... 

Published books, released albums, cafe in Himachal, world trip, e-commerce business, my own home... trustworthy, loving, genuine friends... Creative collaborations... My own band... 

And after all that... 

Maybe, a loving partner. A person spiritually, emotionally, socially, psychologically, intellectually, materialistically, creatively - way more established than me. So that I can look up to him, learn from him. Also he should love me more than me. For I anyhow flow insanely when it comes to love. 

Someone who can actually arouse my dead emotions and passions again. 


But all that, after I have achieved my dreams... Atleast few of them... Atleast the basics. I don't want to connect with anyone based upon need. It has to be for want. Both willing enough, in love enough - to be together. 


And if such connection doesn't exist, then I don't mind being on my own. I love my company. I would be seriously more than content to simply do justice to my talents and skills. But if I ever get really lucky to even find the ideal love I dream to have... That would make my life worth it... For love after all is the essence of life. 


 10:16

Alright my love! Glad we could still talk today even if I had come upstairs with a blank mind. 



Thank you. Thank to you that I see the moon and stars and breath this open air. 

Thank you for listening to me. Don't know still, what's the point of it all. 

Like I had said, it's churning. And you are at the recieving end of it. 

Good or bad... That's how I am right now... Flowing free. 

Forgive me if I be over critical at times. I just want to be honest. Hope it doesn't have much cost. Hope it heals someone seeking guidance or atleast be a heart for someone throbbing with similar theme. 


Bye bye yo! 

Catch you tomorrow. 

Love you. 


Mmmmuuuaah! 


.........

April 17th, 2024
Delhi
9 PM
Hey love! Happy Ram-naumi! 
Finally, we are done with fasting. The nine days of divine feminine. The nine divas of energies. 

Although, I have been feeling less of a female.. there have been so many physical changes in my body weirdly in past few days. Also energetically. 
But goddess is a goddess. In every form. And I bow down to her, from the bottom of my heart. 
Kanjak this time was easy. For momsha made Prasad. I just had to serve it. Last time, I had done everything on my own. Honestly, that gives more satisfaction. Yet mom makes the best Prasad. So I wanted it to be the best. And didn't want to Collab. 
I had a lot of chole puri halwa this afternoon. And then passed out dead after a hefty meal. I was literally in some other world. For I didn't remember shit when I woke up. Not even a single dream. 
Late evening though, I mean just an hour ago, I again felt like yesterday. Weirdly angry and full of rage for no apparent reason. I don't know why it's happening these days. What is making me suddenly angry these days and so much that I am feeling like breaking things or destroying everything! Is it helplessness? Or am I channeling someone's else's energy? Who knows! 
Anyway, I came upstairs. Found my neighbour's dog whom I dearly love. He was as usual super excited to meet me. We played for few minutes and that totally healed me. That's a super power only dogs have. They are so full of unconditional love, so full of that childlike innocence and love that any kind of mood can get healed. I miss my dogs - chill, blue and pompom. They were my kids. I miss them. I loved them. I love them still. 
One day I would have my own dog again. And won't ever separate with him - come what may! 

We have a cold coffee with us today. It is super strong and sweet. I used to live strong and sweet coffee but these days I am not. I prefer more hydrating things for coffee only makes me feel all the more dehydrated. But I made this in a fit of anger and all I thought of was coffee! Well! We have it. Am sure, sip-sip and we will finish it eventually. It's a super talk mug though. Lol. Another reason why am unable to enjoy coffee in it. For generally I only make shakes in it. For coffee I prefer other mugs. How even the medium matters, not only matter. 

9:10
I am craving to go for a road trip. Anywhere new. With someone own. Filled with love, joy, adventure.

Also, I am deep within, I am seeking quick money. Like do a few modelling shoots, earn and then open my own cafe. That was an option in Goa. But the guy was lecherous. So I didn't do it. Now, I don't feel beautiful enough to do it. Well, matter of stepping out and dressing up. Been long! 

9:12
'aa jao ye Jahan pukaare hai
AA jao, ab hum tumhare hain'

I heard a musician I really admire today. She generally sings Sufi songs. And she is incredible. I love her consistency. I just don't do music at all when at home or am in my own. Doesn't mean, I don't love it. But I do need inspiration right environment. It doesn't happen naturally with me. Also, am usually sad or feel like staying silent at home. Today, while singing aarti I amazed myself to hear myself to sing at home at all. 
Too much politics!
Andnmy voice denies to participate at all in such cases. 

9:15
'aa jaao,
Ab hum tumhare hain
aa bhi jao na'

Kahan? Aur kaun? Ha ha! 

It's a star-lit night and there's a more than half goldish moon right upon our head. It's a pretty and pleasent night. 

I finished that book Ransom last night. And don't know why I was overwhelmed with love for my own family. In that lady who wanted to protect her children I saw my own mom. In that 7 year old kid who had got kidnapped that my own brother's childhood popped up in front of my eyes. And I cried and wanted them to be protected and loved. And as the kid came back to his mom, I pictured my toddler brother hanging upon the waist of my mom and I was filled with love. 
Sometimes, I wonder, what really happened? How did relations so much? How so much of love changed to this condition. There's still love. But no trust. No connection. That's sad. 

9:20
'Aise door rehte nahi
Door rehte nahi...
Zakhm hai Naya 
Par dard purana hai
Kareeb aao 
Zara btao'

9:22
Aah! Neighbours again! Now they will keep on strolling for another hour. Well, it's their terrace! 

9:23
'garde raah mei
Badal rha hun mai
Par tere saath 
Chal rha hun mai'

Is it possible for a skull to change shape? I can feel a concave kind of dent in my left frontal skull. And it was that eye itself that had issue. It was towards that side itself that I had got that weird forehead eye shaped bug bite. Hope it's nothing serious! If it is, well, please heal it. 

'Tu bahaut door hai ya 
Teri taraf
Ulte kadamon se chal rha hun mai'

At times I feel if I would ever be able to fulfill my dreams ever? Many have already come true! And when they did, it all felt super quick. I knew it then then that they  were my dreams coming true... But they seemed so short lived. A single breath and I again was brought back to ground zero... Wondering if it ever happened? 
Maybe that's how souls feel after each of their births!
Also psychological time varies so much from linear. When we are happy, time flies. When we are sad, time seems to go on forever. 
What's magical though is to be totally into an emotion or moment. Totally! Untill, it again becomes dream like. For its no more there, if it's not now or here. And that's life I guess. 
In now. Over here. That's it. Everything all is either sigh or wish!

'Zara kabhi meri Nazar se khud ko dekh bhi
Hai chaand mei bhi daag par
Tujhmei hai nahi.'

9:31
This entire month, I could have moved at any time but I kept on stopping myself giving one or ther other plea! Like even now, I can simply step out tonight or tomorrow. But now am like, let me get done even with my upcoming periods... And will go all refreshed! 
Numerous things decide a woman's decisions... Actions, reactions, emotions, psychology, physiology, appearance, preperation, motive, inspiration and so on..

Yet for me, I have mostly lived with a free mind. Like, let's just do it. Without giving a fuck to most of these things... Yet back of my mind, they all get processed. Rather without I being aware of it as well often times. For they work upon subconscious mind and super fast. Result of overthinking I guess. On the surface, I be dazzled ,why I do something at a certain time or in a certain way. At times I confuse it with intuition. Though my intuition also is super epic thankfully. But this sub concious meta processing always has its own part to which I often don't give much credit. So here goes nothing. Lol. 

9:38
The cornermost terrace of this block was seriously the best in our society. And most private. Until they installed surveillance camera their. The very purpose of that terrace is gone. Who wants to be in front of constant vigil when all one wants is to escape the world. People are weird. Well, maybe some sick mind felt the need for it. For otherwise the society is super safe. There are cameras even in every ground floor. And so many Watchmen. 
They just didn't want anyone else to come to their terrace. Even if it's not anyone's private property. It's a smart way to keep away people. But so inhuman. Lol. 
Like seriously... How is it impacting you if someone who needs seclusion or privacy is using your terrace which you are lucky to get and not even using it. 
Well! People! 

It's quite windy today. Happy weather. Perfect for a ride somewhere. Minus Delhi's pollution and traffic ofcourse. Just on rooftop it feels beautiful. 

'Jin ko pehen ke hontho tak aa jaaye wo
Awaaz ki bahon mein aa ke ithlaaye wo'

I feel so soft and cute tonight. Just this touch upon my face... And this feel from within! Not even about how I look... More about, how I feel! 

'Tu hai kahan'

Oh, I had a second bath before meeting you. I feel fresh. I just realised. After an hour that is. Ha ha. 

Back in Goa, there used to be so many kids who just loved me. Often they used to come running to me with their arms open to meet me. I with my diary, evening tea in front of sea.... And they in different batches... Always eager to meet. Always full of love. I so miss them today. So many girls came this morning for kanjak. They all reminded me of those girls whom I so loved. They even styled my hair once or twice... Saying, 'Didi, aapka model jaisa hairstyle bana denge'. Ha ha. . And they were my biggest boosters in all of my gigs. Whenever I used to perform, they were always there - clapping, inspiring, looking with aw in their eyes. I loved them. I miss them today. Them with their pure eyes.

Aah! I just heard a heart touching song. 'Nakkashi'. What a song. Beautiful. Touched my soul. Didn't get much lyrics. But what music. I love classical music. 

9:51
'leher tu chup hai magar
Lehre hain takra rhin'

Why do we complicate relations? Why do make it so difficult to live for our own selves. Life is simple. It has to be full of unconditional love. That makes one's own heart at ease. It makes one empty of the weight of others' doings. Leave others' doings to them. You do you. No point carrying baggage or how they hurt you. 

Yet, self love says otherwise. How would we be able to do what's right for us, if we don't understand who is healthy for us who is not and act that way. 

But spirituality says, that nothing is a coincidence. That good or bad, each is sent to us for our own growth. Maybe! I know that. Yet, what about self respect. And a little bit of ego is also healthy as per me
It gives one Identity. Helps one do what he/she is born to do. 

'Gir pade ho jo toh 
Girne do 
Hausle toote nahin'
'Zindagi aasaan hoti hain kahan
Ye faasle hain Jo darmiyaan 
Dooriyaan, dooriyan....
In mein bhi mai hi hun
In mei bhi Mai nahin...
Mujhe ye hua kya
Kuch pata hi nahin...'

Ha ha! Nice song. Good lyrics! 

9:57
Ever since, I have made it my regular time to be here. These neighbours too come daily now and stand right upon my head. Weird! Uff! And earlier they used to just walk for 10-15 minutes max and then leave. Now they drag on for as long as they can. Well, their wish. But I just want my space. Wish, had my own terrace somewhere. To just be in my own! 
People who have their houses towards this side of society... With their porticos facing towards road...are really lucky... They have a park visible right from their balcony instead of another balcony of any other neighbour on the other side. Also, they have such privacy. Ofcourse, they also have to deal with road sounds... Not us. Not even a single external sound comes at my home. But people at my home are themselves super loud. Lol. Also these days my ears have got super super sentive. I even cancelled hear cats in distant neighborhood. It feels weird. Everything sounds way louder, way amplified. As if am on LSD all the time. As if everything happens right in my ears. Imagine a mosquito sounds so loud when it flaps it's wings in the ear. To me most of the sounds around have become that loud - that amplified. So until it's not good music or a melodious or peaceful voice, most of the sounds are annoying me these days. Well, part of Ascension. 

10:03
'Tu, mera sukoon
Mera junoon
Mera hai tu'

Aah! Finally they are leaving. Had to be here in our entire session. Maybe we should switch places. But this spot also seems a part of meeting you. It is here that I come into our mode. Our connection...

'Mera fitoor
Mera guroor
Mera hai tu'

10:05
Maybe, we should continue our meet tonight... For a song totally says that .. 
'Mai choo ke tumko dekh lun 
Ki sach mei mere paas ho
Mujhe thi jiski justajoo
Wohi meri talaash ho
Abhi to is talaash ka 
Mila koi sila nahi
Abhi na jao chor kar ki Dil abhi bhara nahi.

Wow! The entire song was just these six lines. And so touching. Loved it. 

10:11
Today is Goddess Siddhidatri's day! I didn't meditate but I know that she lives in our ninth chakra. The one above the one above chakra of our head. Which represents our connection with divine. Like one with cosmos. If eighth chakra is where ishwar lives then ninth is one where all are one. Collective consciousness. Fifth dimension probably. 

Aah! I should have meditated to give you a clearer picture. But I didn't. So engrossed was I in gross reality. Weird. 

10:16
I just saw a lady walking with her son in society. Few days back, I had seen momsha and Bhai walking the same way at the same place. I know their relation is too full of attachment and co-dependent and theirfore unhealthy... Yet I am glad that they have each other. That they can share their emotions with each other and have each other's back. It means so much to have even a single soul along like that. Not at that co-dependent a level for sure. Yet, to a certain extent, it means a lot. 

My brother got a total support of momsha at all levels. Though she didn't stop him when he was wrong and that seemed unfair to me. And for which he would have to suffer in his life. But he did get the right kind of support when it comes to a child from a parent. Well, each has his own luck. 
Weirdly, we live in a patriarchal society. 

'Saadgi to hmari Zara dekhiye
Aitbaar aapke waade par kar liya'

External success is nothing if one is not fulfilled within, or is still jealous of what others' naturally have. 

'Samjhe ke hathon mei zameen
Muththi jo kholi 
Bas khaak hai 
Dil mei shor hai kyun 
Imaa kamzor hai kyun
Nazuk ye dor hai kyun ..'

10:26
The stars are hiding suddenly behind clouds and moon has become hazy..

'ye rangeen nazare lagein hain feeke saare
Ye pyaar hai
Ye jaan le'

I can suddenly smell burnt milk in the air. Uff! 

Today am missing a specific guy whom I respect a lot. He is an epic musician. Has the same name like my dad. And has really been a fatherly energy all the time I was there. Thanks to him that I had got inspired to fly a kite on my own for the first time, for he said, 'Hari ka naam le kar udana, zroor udegi.' and today, as I was trying to open a jammed drawer at home that a girl said, 'think fonthe god you believe in and then try opening it.' immediately her words reminded me of him. He is such a great soul. May god bless him with a long, happy, healthy life full of joy. And I just find his bhajans and voice otherworldly and transcendental. They used to be my favourite sessions. Ofcourse he used to smoke up and then sing. But also his devotion. It was just somthing I really appreciated and loved. Still do. Never got a chance to tell him. But from a distance, I really respect him. He must be a great father to his own kids. I just feel that fatherly support and love from him. Great soul. Great energy. 

'Tu Kahan mere Dil mei 
Kyun chala tha fir mai 
Dhoondne tujhe duniya mei
Par meri jaan 
Tu toh yahin hai
Kitni rahein dekhin
Kitne sal gye 
Taron mei uljha tha magar 
Par meri Jana chaand tu hi hai'

Lol! A mention of moon and am reminded of Manku. My manki. 
Though I realised in my life that instead of on and off love energy of moon, one should love friendship of stars, for they remain consistent. 

And Sirius for sure is super special to me. 

10:36
I think, it is high time that I should grow up from who did or didn't do what for me. I have to become my own parent, my own sibling, my own beloved, my own teacher..m and take my shop to calmer shore and reach where I am supposed to reach... With faith in my soul....
For I can't change past, can't change others, can't instill emotions, can't instill respect, can't make life fair via others... Can only work upon myself and my life. Maybe it was all crucial for my life. Even the hyper independence. The journey of a master is usually solo! 

Not like an seeking support anymore. I do need a way and a course of action and consistent efforts and strength and self love enough to keep on investing upon myself. 

Be with me. Help me do that! 

10:41
'Tum ho to 
Gaata hai dil'

Ha ha! Listening to this one after a long time. Reminds me of my childhood friend. He lives a few societies far from here. We stayed friends for many years. The one with whom I tried everything for the first time. Not everything, lol, but most of the things to be experienced... The first trip, first drink, first lounge experience, first many things that I don't remember. 
Now we don't talk. He betrayed me once. Big time. That changed my life all together. Still can't go back to that. Well, all happened for the best. I made my peace with that. For I may have been successful socially otherwise but would have a way less experienced version of myself. And I love my life and who I have become. I did forgive him later to a certain extent. But trust once broken can never be revived. Also, his own guilt impacted. We just could never reach that same level of friendship. For the innocence was gone. We do talk once in an year. Recently though I blocked him even for that. He was a past chapter. No more healthy for me. Though I still think of him the first, each time I return back to Delhi. And if I ever get struck anywhere in the country, I miss his level of dedication and friendship. He was the end all solution to all my issues back in teenage or adulthood. He was simply always there - to guide me, to help me, to be there with me. Well, things happened. He caused the end of our friendship out of his jealousy. And later my mom too contributed a lot in ensuring that it stayed like that. I lost a lot of friends thanks to my mom's interference - growing up. But later I realised it was all for my good..none was really worth it. 
But also another reason, why I don't have many friends in my own city. 
There was always this girl boy parameter. While my brother was allowed to have a girlfriend, even bring her home....or let so many of his girls stay at our home... I was always criticized to have guy friends... Weirdly I only had guys as friends mostly. Did have female friends as well but way fewer. Now though I don't talk to anyone. All seem to be from someone else's lifestory. From past. I have changed so much from then. Way evolved. 

10:53
There's a new song right now being played in the playlist. It's a combo of Hindi and English forcefully made to sound cute.. I don't like hinglish songs. I feel that the purity is essential when it comes to music or literature. That's what makes it beautiful. I know everyday language connects to more people.... But I still prefer purity... Purity of language... Of thoughts.. of words.. of soul... Of life... 

10:55
Alright love! Catch you tomorrow. 
Numerous mosquitos totally feasted on me for past two hours. Can't bear them anymore. Phone's light attracts their attention and each day I find my face filled with their bites' constellations. Ha ha. 

Loads of love. 
I feel so light right now. 
In way better a spirit. 
Thank you so much
You are my breath of relief. 
Love! 

Mmmmmuuuaaahh!! 

.........


April 18th, 2024
Delhi 
9 PM

Hey love! Welcome with a sip of sweet lassi! 

'She's a sweet little baby
I'm her little lover boy!'

Tonight we are listening to classic Blues! Right after a shower with hair fresh washed - still damp and fragrant! Ylang - ylang, lemon grass, Rosemerry, lavender - are few that I can remember - those that am carrying sprayed mildly and faintly upon my locks! 

The moon is even higher up, fuller, and smaller tonight. It will take more time for it to come even upon head and then in front. 

9:03
I read a news today of some girl traveling in a bikini in a local bus. Any such weird news and everybody gets super active. World is weird. So are the people. Why do girls do such stunts. And if they do, why does the world give them so much attention? And why nudity is such a taboo? Back at the time of Sanatan dharma, people hardly wore clothes. it's Mughals and later Britishers who brought this tradition. Indians hardly wore much clothes because of the weather. I think, the more you make something a taboo, the more people get attracted towards it. And so, people now simply fail to rise above skin and body. and girls too simply flaunt their skin literally doing a mujra for that brings them likes. A society that is the first to judge such conduct also rewards such conduct with following, likes and making it a news. 
I personally feel that one should dress up as per the environment. Like on a beach, it would be weird to wear full clothes. Go bare there and feel nature up close. But in a society, where people are not as evolved and also not really open upon bodies, why flaunt your skin or pull up such stunts there? 
Obviously, if say, I am going to study or to work and suddenly a man or a woman comes without clothes; it would only disgust me! And it may aggriviate unnecessary energies in some other being. For we are not tribals. We are so called 'civilized' society! Whatever that means! 

With or without clothes - I don't care. But the society does. So why pull up such stunts!!!
Imagine, my clothes became the biggest issue in Bangalore. Even if I wore my ex friends tee shirt to keep myself covered, and didn't wear any make up or jewelry, yet ensured shorts for it was hot... Yet that itself was looked down upon by her family and she herself... For she had the audacity to question my clothes saying that it would make her husband crave for me. Weird know! 
How society has such people who simply can't hold their emotions and get furious by someone else's clothes..
A society so fragile in its identity and ego that simply wearing lesser clothes can cause chaos to it. 
That said, I in no way support that particular girl's conduct in a local bus. It looked cheap and vulgar. It's different to wear something comfortable at home or wear a bikini on a beach... And it's different to just go in your undergarments in a city's local bus. 
What all people do to gain attention. Society is seriously in shambles! For, hey, she did make the news. So did urfi! There are all kinds of inspirations I guess! And there are all kinds of ways. Yet posing online is different and walking like that on streets is different.
Even in Goa, there was this forest area where I used to go for mud bath and bathing in the river. That place has a tribal history and people generally enjoy the place bare. I could never go bare there still, but I could atleast be in abl bikini while soaking in mud or bathing. Still, whenever I went there with friends; I couldn't get myself to be just ina bikini even then. For they knew me and I felt a bit shy. Till there was no one and nobody I knew that I was alright. But with known people, it was different. I always ensured to wear shorts and a tank top then. 
That's respecting yourself and respecting the other. Or else, one has tobbe too comfortable with others. I was at that level as well long back but no more. They were all new friends and I take time in getting comfortable or opening up. 

'But you help me babe
You know if you don't help me darling
I will find somebody else!'

Lol! Seems like a frustrated house husband singing. Ha ha! Crazy lyrics! 

Nights are seriously so pretty these days. Full of clouds. 

9:20
Last night I watched a great movie. It was called 'Quantum Voyage'. It had two best friends who met with an accident and the one who got into a comma blamed the other one and whoever that she saw right before accident; she pulled them all into her memory. And they all got strict into some quantum loopnbeing electrons. The one driving later realised thatbher friend holds her responsible for her accident and therefore she had to heal her heart and remind her that she had always loved her and never wanted the accident to happen. Finally they all got free of the loops and quantum jumps. The movie was bit spooky and was a sci fi. 
Also, it reminded me of my ex best friend. How she must have held me responsible for her own tragedies. And though I always had love for her but she had a wounded soul. And maybe I shouldn't take things her demonic behaviour personally. And maybe one day she would realise her mistakes. Well! Who knows! 

'What you are gonna do?'

9:28
I have begun another book by 'Danielle Steel'. It's called 'Sisters'. Story of four successful sisters in their own niche with a loving family. They persue their own fields in various cities but ensure to come at home thrice each year for they love each other and their parents have always supported them in the best of ways. Three of them even have dogs of different breed. Youngest one is a model. Elder to her is an artist - a painter. Second one is a producer. And eldest is a lawyer.
Reading about them being so busy in their fields and having a successful life made me a bit jealous for I too want to do so much in my life yet I waste my life - struck here at home or by my emotions elsewhere. 
Reading about their solid parents also made me jealous and wish - if only my father was more here, was sensible enough to provide me with the right kind of supportnin my life. If only my mom was less controlling or less suffering with victimhood her entire life. If only my brother has not been raised as the prudent narcissist that he is. If only there wasn't such a shamble of them all being so great at serving society and we had a normal household filled with love. If only we were closer and communicative enough to talk about things that mattered instead of being defensive or bragging or attacking or pulling rugs under each other.

Well! Guess every family has some or other issue. I still feel thankful. For my family is way better than what I see outside. No physical violence thankfully. No extra marital affairs. People are intellectual, well read, spiritual, religious - a bit overtly so... And the issues are more mental. Yet, who has life on a loving silver platter after all! My brother did. But he served mom's need to show off. The golden child. Can't complain. I still had a great childhood. Ofcourse with a dark cloud always upon my head. 

When I go to villages and find children with their parents always busy. I also feel thankful that I had so many books to read, toys to play with, and momsha that gave me time, attention and love. But she also gave me her trauma. And that has no reversal. 

'And it feels like rain!'

'Leave your heart up you sleeve...
It looks like, we are in a stormy weather'...

'Just like that 
In my arms
And it washes away... 
And it feels like rain!'

9:43
'Sad thing in my life,
I got to leave right now!'

Today though while I was taking a shower; I felt blessed to be bathing in a clean washroom. That's one thing I really miss while traveling. Cleanliness and good washrooms. I travel for long - for months and therefore it always has to be budget traveling. Not always that I can afford good washrooms and no matter how high end of a place you visit, guest houses and hotels can never provide cleanliness of a home. I don't miss home made food anymore. 11 years of travel and I have now learned to survive however. As long as my stomach is full. I eat whatever I get fresh and locally made. But cleanliness, hygiene... These things are extreamly crucial to me. Clean white sheets, clean towels, clean washrooms, good showers, hot water at all times, regular brooming, dusting, mopping, clean windows, clean curtains etc.... and therefore I now wish to have my own home somewhere on the mountains. But before that I also need a stable income to take care of it. For even an investment or any asset has its own maintenance cost. But that would be beneficial for me in the longer run.

Having my own home is also important for me for other reasons. I don't ever want myself to be struck in my life again like I have been. Where I have no where to go. Imagine being married with a wrong guy and being struck there for you have nowhere else to go. I have faced the burden of relations my entire life. Major reason why I don't want to get married. I don't want anyone else to control/manipulate/ micro manage me. 
I want my own life. My own home. My own pet. My freedom to do what I please. Live on my own terms. 

People should live together for they want to. Not out of obligation or pressure or manipulation.

I read somewhere that people either date their mother or father - energetically I mean... Like they attract similar kind of vibes until they learn their lessons. Or at times that is best for them. I would never want to date either my mom or dad. And would rather not date, until I don't heal from my patterns of attracting such vibes. They have been unhealthy for me. I want what's healthy for my life. 

9:53
'Why don't you reconsider babe
Give yourself just a little bit more
Time!'

It's weird. Neither neighbours came today. Nor there is any light in society's park today. It's eeringly secluded. Well! I like it. Don't really like people around me. 
Just moon tonight, one or two faint stars, clouds and us! Noice!! 

9:55
There is this 'Blackman family' which posts it's videos online. They have a super cute girl who says Noice instead of nice. I love her. And her brother loves her so much. They are so adorable together. I love their chemistry. 

At times I do wonder, if my brother remembers our bond in childhood. How much I loved him. What all I couldn't do just to protect him. How close knit our bond was. Until he ruined it with his lust and wasn't scolded by mom for that. And then the distance kept on becoming only larger until we can't see eye to eye. And I doubt if I ever would even go to his wedding. I won't. Am sure of that. 

Why does society reward fake people? Why are narcissists the most popular? Why arewhite collars black hearts - so celebrated? What world so we live in? Surely a fake one. Where artificiality is more popular than authentic. 

10:00
All I feel is rage here at home. And I fail to be productive even if I have everything I can wish for. Everything but inner peace. Everything but justice. Everything but respect. And without those things, rest everything is useless. 

Else, I too would have been successful - had I compromised with any of those things. But I didn't. And I won't. 
Grey! I will remain stone grey until I move out. That's the best way!

10:07
Today is 18th. I just love the date 18th. Don't know why. It's double nine. But I always feel as if it's a special date. Regardless of month. It just feels special to me. 

Oh, also, tonight is Kamda Ekadashi. 11th day of Moon. People worship to Lord Vishnu today. Back in Pushkar, wenused to have epic satsangs on ekadashi and Purnima. I used to wait for this day the entire month. I miss those satsangs. Seriously. For few hours of these nights, I used to forget the world and just be swayed by devotional music, classical instruments and voices of people I respected a lot. And we all used to sing together. It was heaven..
Though most of them are pretty conservative and patriarchal - I realised down the years... Yet that's the best thing about satsangs. It's just devotion from purest of your heart. Your mind has no place there. Nor your thoughts. Maybe that's why I loved those sessions the most. For all swayed from their heart spaces - singing for divine with utmost love. 

10:11
Alright my love! Catch you tomorrow. Loads of love. Even neighbours have come on their terrace. Well, I don't mind it today. We had had our session. They can have their time. 
Loads of love! See you tomorrow. 
Mmmuuuaah ! 
Happy 18th. For I love it. Ha ha! 

...........


April 19th, 2024

Delhi

9 PM


Hey Love! Welcome! 

Welcome with a smile right after a long hot shower. I feel so good tonight. Don't know why. Well, I did a bit of self grooming... Cleaned off my body hair, oiled myself.... Ha ha... Well, feeling good about myself today! Also, am carrying my hair in side pleates today - which is unusual! 

And though Delhi has become boiling hot with 31 degrees right now and must be 38/39 degrees during day; am still in a full trouser with a cut sleeves purple jacket to go and full sleeves black and white top. Lol. May be to protect myself from mosquitos or am just feeling good in full clothes or who knows. I any day prefer to wear as less clothes as possible..at home I wear the shortest and least amount of clothes. But in terrace, they also protect me from dust and are just comfortable.


'O dariya 

Hai tujhe sa hi Dil daar

Wo raanjha mera'


Oh, this morning was simply beautiful. I saw two butterflies - one black with white dots, another pure white with black streaks. It was a total yin and yang. Also I saw numerous eagles. One was so close that I could even click her. And would you believe, today a monkey came upon the terrace. I got so scared that I ran back to home. But I also wished to be upstairs so came back with a round Rock in my hand - just to scare him off for I was scared. Though I wanted to give him something to eat but I was also scared. So I didn't. It seemed weak. Also, I felt lucky to see a monkey just on the morning of ekadashi. Also Eagle. As if Lord Vishnu himself was blessing me. 


9:07

I conversed with Michael after a long time for many hours last night and this morning. It felt great. It still overwhelms me still - the time difference I mean. How a sun rises over here and there it's still night. Do you know, they increase their time in their clocks by one hour each year towards spring. These days, they have sun out from 6:30 AM till 8 PM. I can't even imagine a sunset at 8 PM. He says the time would only increase as summers would proceed. Like it will be out till 9 or 10 in upcoming months. Crazy! 

But they have smaller days during winters. Like maybe for Max 6 hours or so..sun in winters sets by 3 or 4! So overall it gets balanced only. These days they have pleasent weather. Neither cold, nor hot. Which is nice. I love to see the nature pictures he sends sometimes of the places around. He had a great eye for nature and is really great at clicking. He is a super humble soul and I love and appreciate our conversations. And he makes me feel so so good about myself - often thanking me for being in his life. Honestly, I feel as grateful. It's a beautiful platonic connection and means a lot to me. A friendship I can count on. A connection which is equally valued by both the individuals. And he pays attention to all that I have to say, always asks the right questions and contributes with such relevant insights. Often that I feel like nothing down what he says. 

Like just this morning he said a line, 'it is in sub societies or societies inside societies where humanity actually lives.' when I was saying something about how humanity is becoming so rare generally. He was so point on. He reminded me of those two friends I had in Goa. How though overall I didn't get many good connection but with those two I felt home and found humanity. And therefore humanity though seems rare to find overall but it still breaths in those creeks, the humans who live within those larger networks. It was a great realisation. 


Oh, last night, I watched a great movie on similar theme. It was a sci-fi called 'Tomorrow ever after'. So a lady time travelled from year 2592 (future) to present time. They called the present time as the time for despair. She was so open - often embracing each she met, checking if they were all right, holding hands. She said that back in her timeline, people slept in groups... They only had sex with their partners but hugged, held hands, cared for all they met. That food was free and everywhere for it was organic - growing on trees. That there was no plastic. And people just loved and cared for each other to experience life and their being in its full essence. 

She though was considered as a threat in present time. For obviously people sekeed their space and isolation and found it rather weird that a random lady was hugging them suddenly. It was only a madman who understood her and valued her energy and rather believed her. 

By climax she too learned the ways of the words, felt rather miserable with her divice stolen. She felt alone, so alone that she went and slept beside a random begger on street for she seemed human connection. Though by the end it was the guy who had mugged her of everything who gave her company..and she began to note down her feeling in a diary. The movie still has. Part two don't know if it is our or not. 


But it reminded me so much of my past self. When I was as full of love for everyone. How I too used to hug every friend of mine. How all were welcome to sleep beside in my room. How there was no I'll intention but a genuine feeling of care and togetherness. How those caring gestures were misunderstood by the world. How those friends didn't last. How all my efforts were mostly one sided. And how I mistrusted the wrong people. To a point that I became such a big time loner. And now I seek my space and isolation. And don't let even closest of friends to share my room or bed. 

Weird! 


Well, the movie was totally a reality check.


Though that lady seemed annoying. Yet I was awestruck by her innocence and trusting abilities. I simply don't trust anyone or anything anymore. I know it's a fault in me. But I guess, it is my defence mechanism..with right people, I may become trusting again. Who knows! 


Yet, she never lost her trust. Even from those who literally mugged her of everything..such energy is god's energy. That's the epitome of unconditional love. I have been there for a long time once. I miss that. 


'Kwabon ka kab tak lun sahara

Ab toh tu aa bhi Jaa khudara

Meri ye dono paagal aankhein 

Maange har pal Tera nazara'


9:26

Miss Manku today. Why? Well, he is my symbol of love and companionship. 

He always instill this purity in me. He and sasha. May they be happy - wherever they be! 


9:32

This afternoon, I had a crazy dream about some old lady. She was sick and someone I had never seen. Almost bald. But I could access her sub concious thoughts in my dream. She was seeing her life spent - meeting all her younger past selves - who were smiling back at her. As she was leaving her life one by one. I even woke up to note down whatever I remembered. Maybe I will write my next book on the same theme. Look what I wrote.



"The sad truth of 'Meeting Oneself'


An old lady finds herself meeting with people of her past... As if she was liquadating... And she felt concious..for she heard herself saying things she wouldn't have ever said otherwise...things she couldnkeep with herself... Things she could hold on to..but now as if they were coming out on their own. And she feltnas if she was melting.. 

Yet often as she closed her eyes, she saw her own youth or younger self - peeping back at her. As if she was looking in a mirror or peeping in a well full of water. Their fingers touched... 

And the old lady used to smile from her bed... 


But then again... She used to feel as if she was melting... Liquifying...as if words, thoughts, emotions were oozing out of her. And she was getting fragmented. 


This is a story of a lady finding herself! Through past, through present... Through a lifetime of memories and then leaving them all one by one... Until she remained but a soul smiling At her own carcass... The soul felt whole... The body seemed old.... "



I was almost making up the story half asleep but then I passed out again. That's what I have right now.


'Bin tere, bin tere, bin tere

Koi kalish hai hawaon mei

Bin tere'


Oh, remember that book that I was reading - 'sisters'. I read it a bit further. The mother and one of the sisters met with an accident in the next chapter. Mother died on the spot and sister (painter) got blind. It was so brutal. I felt as if I gave the family and evil eye. I felt so sad and bad for them. That's what. Danielle Steel at times writes such narratives that they would make you cry. I know the story would take these sisters to incredible experiences further on. But at present, it felt so heart shattering to see such a perfect happy family meeting with such tragedy. They have so much of love amidst each other. Are so respectful. Why does fate punish the best of peoe like that. I felt so sad for them. How their mother raised such perfect daughters who had such level of love to sacrifice their own lives for each other. I was heart broken. Seriously. Nothing can replace a mother's love. Who knows it better than me. They for sure! 

It was a big time lesson for me to value what and who I have in my life. 


'chal kithan guzarein aayi raat ve'


9:40

My hair feel so soft tonight. I just feel light and good about life. 


Let me share a crazy thought I had been having for past few days. So I noticed a few days back that my boobs reduced in size suddenly also my ass. I was worried what if my ex-fake-friend had injected me with some testesteone injection back in Bangalore. For it felt so weird to be so less in size suddenly. I noticed stretch marks. And though my thighs were gaining muscle mass but hips were reducing in size. So we're my boobs. And I felt sure that I had been injected with testesteone. 

Then yesterday I had a crazy thought. For I rather found my boobs tight like when I was 18. And then I convinced myself that maybe God is making me younger. Giving me the body shape of an 18 year old. Lol. 

Honestly, I feel rather proud of my age and have no such thoughts of looking younger or anything. But if that's what God is gifting me with, then why not! Ha ha! 

Thank you God! 


9:45

'Khushbu si hai hawa mei tairti

Khushbu Jo beaawaaz hai'


Do you know my name means fragrance? I always feel proud about it. Ha ha. 


Moon is gaining size. Soon we will have a full moon. Matter of 3-4 days max I guess. 


'wo tere mere Ishq ka ik

Shayaraana daur sa thaa

Wo Mai bhi koi aur hi thi

Wo tu bhi koi aur hi tha'...


I did one more thing last night. I burned a painting which I had made in my friends' shop. It had me in the centre, my two friends on either sides, a pentagon star connecting me with them from my third eye and two more feminine carricatures below completing a triangle. And there was a Ganesha below. It had made complete sense back then when I wished to capture our unity, our togetherness. But the sketch had scared me even then. And because I had been having issues around my third eye for past two months almost. I realised it was the best thing to destroy that certain sketch. So I burned it. To cut off any unhealthy attachments or energetic chords. 


And I slept for many many hours today. Feeling so better honestly. 


9:51

'Tu aake dekh le 

O maine ratein kitni saari 

Teri yadon mei guzari 

Soniye'


Ha ha! This song always remind me of ancrush I had in Pushkar. I so wished to show him how to live life more alive..wanted him to take me around his city, show me his spots - his favorite places where he found peace. Wanted to love him. Wanted him to love me. 

He totally brought me down from my spiritual path. He was such. Big time distraction. Ha ha! It was all useless. 


Well! After all I am human! It's normal only to have a crush every now and then. Lol. 


'Ki tu meri yadon mei

Hai poori basti

Aur tere siwa 

Koi achcha lagta nahi'


9:54

And the neighbours are here. Uff! Now, it seems funny to me. Well, terrace is the only relief for people here. Understandable! 


'We are going down 

And you can see it..

My dear...

Slow dancing in a burning room!'


9:58

The air is filled with the fragrance of grass and trees somehow. It's awesome just to breath and smell it all. 

Also I feel as if I am breathing fully after many days tonight. For almost a month, I used to feel as if my nose was blocked from forehead onwards. I didn't able cough . Yet my breaths always felt half and left nostril always felt closed off. Once, I even installed a tiny block of camphor to open up that side. The block stayed inside and my breaths didn't even feel any difference. It is then that I realised that I had only been breathing from one side. 

Today, the breath feels full and I am able to smell my surroundings. It feels great. I feel blessed. 


Specially after reading that book last night, I am suddenly feeling all the more blessed for all my body parts function well. All my senses are functional. We take so many things for granted. Until even one is lost. Imagine that painter whose very life career, interests revolve around sight. For her to lose eye sight means end of life. That made me wonder how much our senses matter to us. And how blessed we really are with or without any other things. We have a healthy body. That is the best treasure of the universe. 

Thank you cosmos for blessing me with a healthy body, mind, soul. Thank you for this beautiful life. Thank you for a home. For all these relations that I can complain about. Thank you for this life. I am seriously grateful. 

And I am sorry if I don't value my blessings enough. You have blessed me with so much. Thank you for everything. You are the best! 


10:04

'Nazar jo Aya tu 

Toh jeena aaya'


10:06

Alright my love! 

Time to go. 

I don't know what future has in store for me. I don't know what I have to do next. But in the moment, I feel really blessed. I feel beautiful. I feel well taken care of. I feel nurtured. I feel at peace. I feel your companionship. So much to be grateful for. Thank you for all that and more. 

I love you! 

Stay blessed. 

Catch you tomorrow. 

Mmmuuuuaah! 


............


April 20th, 2024

Delhi

9 PM


Hey love! Welcome! A romantic one. A subtle one..


'Hawaon mei lipta hua mai

Guzar jaunga tumko choo ke

Agar Mann ho to rok Lena

Theher jaunga labon pe

Bas itna hai tumse kehna

Mai rahun ya na rahun 

Tum mujh mei kahin baaki rehna'


Moon is too bright with all its light falling upon me from behind! I got down today. By Full Moon, I guess I will be done with it. There was a time where I only used to get down on Full Moon. Those were wild times. Then my cycle changed a lot. Am glad it's reaching full moon again. 


Am a bit sleepy today. Woke up early today for there was lot of noise today at home..momsha was giving CST (a kind of energy healing) to someone. And if when there is no sound atleast during those sessions, I still get impacted them..I always get up with body pain. Which is weird. For I be in a separate room. Guess that's a side-affect of being an empathy. Or an avid traveller. I am a psychic sponge. I absorb others' pains and issues like anything. Or maybe I had pain today because I was about to be down. Who knows!!! 


Anyway, I still remembered my dream as I woke up.... It was lucid. This is what I dreamed about today.... 


"With haryanvi guy - bike ride to haryana. Not really reaching where I wanted to reach. 


Set up changed to get together. Random knowns and unknowns. Even with some jealous girl. I began to roll crushed leaves of plants and dhoop to create some kind of smoke. 

Until the gathering around suddenly shifted to my entire family..and we were at my Nani's house. The previous one..and then entire family wanted to have tea. I was trying to count over all people to know how many cups to make but somehow they all were quickly shifting from one room to another. It was my Nani who wanted the tea the first. Rest all simply added or I thought maybe everybody would like to have a cup of tea. 

Also someone asked for pakaudas. 


Scene three... I saw my two friends from Goa. Were were meeting in Delhi or some other city probably. And only one of them was really there..and they asked what was my next plan? I told them that I would go to Himachal the following morning. They were dazzled and had weird joyful motivation yet judgemental hidden creepiness. And that's how  I woke up. "




And the moment I woke up fully, I checked my phone and both those friends from Goa had somewhere or other texted me. And that reconnected my energy to them even if I didn't reply. I don't want them in my energy field anymore. For I don't trust them. 


9:06

Last night or early morning, my Tarot readings gave me two major lessons... I had noted them down. Look! 


"

'Not all inner child wounds are wounds.'


'Less is more. Keep the other person guessing. Be polite, be nice; but make the other person work - to be in your life.'. "



I wish I implement these things! I sure will! 


Oh, last night I watched a beautiful sci fi movie called voyager. And do you remember that old lady and her younger self that I had seen in a dream last afternoon. At night in the movie, there were two characters and scenes that reminded me of my dream and I was totally astonished. I had never watched that movie before. Didn't even know it existed. Had never seen those characters. And the storyline was different. But it still dealt with the same theme of Quantum entanglement. It had space travel. Had life beyond earth. Had love. I couldn't connect my dream with the movie. Just those flashes from the movie. The finger stretched. The old lady on bed (who was totally irrelevant in the movie by the way)... And the smiling young lady seemed to have been the real voyager. Who had space travelled to guide a scientist towards her planet. And she too used to carry crystals like I do. But she died out of an auto immune disease. I had been scared of this disease ever since I met with a lady from Bangalore in Goa who specifically told me about her daughter's condition and rest of her tragedies in detail each time her husband wasn't there.  But interacted positively when he was there. Few years ago she had explained her accident and I had met with an accident a few days from that. So that time I was though scared to meet her, but then I thought either I have faith upon my God or not. If Mahadev is there with me, then I shouldn't be scared of anything. So I had gone and still meet with the couple. I had really felt sad for her life as well. But deep within I was scared what if had some way of passing her issues to me. For once it has happened. Maybe it was just a coincidence. Also the fact that I just fail to trust anyone anymore. And simply doubt everyone and everything. They treated me so well though. My intuition though told me otherwise. 

But in the morning itself that I had a thought... If my life can be useful for anyone, then it should ...or it may... What am I so attached with... What am I trying to protect. Only the best would happen. Whatever is best for the world..whatever divine wills. However it will. Nothing can happen beyond divine's will! 


And I watched a great movie on this theme this afternoon. It was called 'Cafe'. It also had a male cast (Daniel in real life) who seemed extremely familiar. As if I had seen this guy and even interacted with him somewhere. Quite possible. Maybe I had met with him in Goa. Don't know. 

Anyway, the movie was based in a cafe downtown where various characters used to visit. An 11 year old appeared in one of the guy's computer and told him that the entire set up was her creation. That nothing was real and there were all a simulation, kind of avatars playing their characters in that set up. There was a writer, a painter, a cop, two waiters, a drug dealer - few other regulars there. The guy waiter loved girl waiter... And there was an intermingled of various plots. Until the girl waiter called Clara who was a beautiful soul was murdered by another character. The laptop guy then was told by that 11 year old that Clara can only be brought back to life if he sacrificed his life for that was the need of the program. Someone not directly related or in love with the one killed should be willing to get himself or herself deleted from the program in order to bring back a lost life. The guy said it didn't matter to him for after all he was a simulation. The moment he was willing to be deleted from the simulation just to save another human out of respect; everything got alright, world got saved and there was love again. And even the guy was saved. Kind of life Jesus. Or who knows. But yeah! That also reminded me this willingness to surrender oneself for humanity and greater cause and love for life and world..


9:22

'Kuch kahun ya na kahun 

Tum mujh ko sada sunte rehna'


Oh, I finished that book Daughters last night. All the sisters found perfect partners and got more or less settled in their life by the end of it. The message of the story was that though the mother had gone but she had raised those sisters in a way that they always supported each other. And because they were together in difficult times, therefore their life got only better. It was live that saved them. It was willingness to sacrifice their individual lives for the sake of family that brought them even better individual lives. Even Annie (the artist girl who had gone blind) found the perfect guy and made a career in a blind school giving lectures on art and stuff. Rather she was the first one to declare her upcoming marriage. 

Reading so much about those sisters in the age group of 36 to 21 - again and again discussing how crucial it is for a girl to not only have a career, but also have a guy in life, to go out on dates, to have friends in life, to have fun, to have active social life etc... made me give my life yet another perspective. It has really been long I have had any guy in my life. Rather the only committed relation I have ever been in was back in college 11 years ago. And though I dated for few years, even fell in love but never got in any relationship again. And now it has been few years that I have even dated anyone...

These foreigners are so sorted this way. They don't let time pass by lamenting anyone gone. They move on. And ensure that they have someone to live them and someone they can love. Regardless of their age..

Imagine it was the sisters' father who got married the first much before their daughters. He was clear about him needing company, partner and love in his life. And he had guts to take a leap. 


That's not the case with him. I always seek for a mind, body, soul connection. A deep heartfelt end-all, be all. Also, I took as many years for I realised that I should learn to live with myself first, should learn to live myself first. Until we don't love our own company, we can't really enjoy even others' company for then they would only be diversions. Guess I took too long and it has become my comfort zone. I don't really find anyone worth my time and energy as well. And as picky as I am, I still manage to pick the wrong ones to fall for. And that only impacts my self esteem. For thwy don't really know how to love or live; or are not really energetically or intellectually or emotionally or spiritually or socially compatible. But I guess now I am ready to date and explore what life has to offer. I am not getting any younger than this. I too would love to love and be loved. Because why not! That is a beautiful human emotion and sensation.

Not saying, I will fall in love. But it would be great to once again enter the dating world. Explore my options. Who knows, I may find compatible vibes. Not like love is in my goals at all. Yet it would be good I guess to have healthy connections. Even a few. 


I have begun yet another book. The name has divine in it but I have forgotten both the book's name and author's name. Have only read few pages of it. But I just picked it randomly. Sometimes random books or movies bring the best messages. 


Though this evening I really wasted my time in a good for nothing movie called 'Nostramo'. It had time travel true... But crazy anti-christ concepts and what not. ... People simply fuse religion with science and that insanely and even manage to force romance into it..lol... But the lead character  towards the end of movie time travelled from 16th century to present time to meet with the female protagonist and tell her about some upcoming issues... His recent get up reminded me of Michael somehow for he had a similar beard.  And therefore I smiled. 

Not like it was a total time wastage. I did love one concept in it. That was connected to astrology. They said that just like stars and planets impact souls and life on earth. Likewise souls impact those stars and planets. They had planned to kill certain list of people to bring astrological shifts in the cosmos but I loved the concept of looking at astrology the other way round. Rather I had used the same concept in my book Amore' where I had portraid stars as the store houses of various peoples' spiritual energies or evolution. So the concept resonated there. 


Oh ya, that reminds me... Today is 20th April. It's a historical day. And extreamly significant - scientifically and astrologically. For five planets are aligned today - Venus, Mercury, Neptune, Jupiter and Saturn.... 


And Jupiter and Uranus are in conjunction today. 


I don't really know how it all impacts... I did read that they will all align in the sign of Taurus. I still need to read how they are impacting energetically. And I had heard an astrological and tarot reading a month ago about it all. But I don't really know these things in that much of depth to totally comprehend them.. yet watching that movie Voyager last night.. and ofcourse my already present love for the cosmos.... All that connects me to these changes already. 

But honestly speaking... Personally I hardly feel anything. No energetic shifts. Nothing. It is meant to be a time of abundance. If leaps into major shifts in future. If financial growth. And what not. I am stagnant like anything and today I haven't even slept enough. The one thing I do best these days. Ha ha. Uff! 

Being a Tarot reader and a Virgo, I have full rights to blame mercury which is matter of fact in reversal these days... Lol... That meaning that it is comparatively slower than other planets - I recently learned. 

Well, I think I have also become comfortable in my walls. Which Virgo doesn't like Hermit mode. Will move soon though. That's for sure. The moment something will seem just right. Or the moment a moment would seem right... Whenever wherever that be!!! 


'Chahe kuch na kehna

Bhale chup tu rehna 

Mujhe hai pata 

Tere pyaar ka'... 


9:49

I stalked Manku's new profile today. Don't know how suddenly I reached therem wasn't even looking for him. But ofcourse we have numerous mutual friends. And the moment I noticed a new profile by his name, I had to check it... For it has really been three years we have interacted. First things I checked, if he was still friends with his loser friends... Who may once again take him to the same shitty place he had with such difficulty conquered. He had all those red flagged people in his brand new profile. Well, you can't force change people. It would have really made me happy had he really changed his friends as well along with his life and habits... For same company means same habits.. means same life..life can't change until we change our habits and people around us. 

Well, it is his life. I am but an observer. And really really wish his life to be better. 

Wherever that he be. I want him to be happy and doing well and content. Instead of escaping life... Yet it is his choice... And his way. And his path... I have no way there. 

Can only wish for the best! 


'Hawa ke jaise chalti hai tu

Mai ret jaise udta hun

Kaun tujhe yun pyaar karega

Jaise Mai karta hun'...


9:55

Oh, one of my friends from Goa is here in Delhi these days. I used to play TT with him back in Goa. He was such a relief to my heart always just with his gentle, caring demeneor. And though I had never had any other intentions about him, yet I was a bit disappointed when he had one day told me that he was married. It was always pure our connection. Just, I had not expected him to be elder than me and also married to someone. Even if you have no romantic interest yet the freedom and friendship is different when even the other one is single. But if he is married then I be concious about everything. No matter how pure the friendship be. Yet our games together meant a lot to me. We just used to play TT. Not even talk much. Yet somehow he always understood even the unsaid. For brought to my notice that I sing more when I am happy. or I smoke more when I am restless or upset. And on some rare days when I simply used to play without even sharing anything that he used to offer a cup of coffee or a drink for he understood that on those specific days I felt alone or sad or seeked someone own beside. And though he could not talk with me ever more freely but always ensured that he sat beside and even brought rest of the people working there to give me company alongside. It was always his intentions that mattered more to me, much more than what he could or couldn't do. I always have such immense respect for pure and genuine souls... 

I had met with him and another 16 year old boy who used to work there alongside. This TT friend ensured that I had lunch before leaving in their cafe and it was such a sweet gesture... 

Today he is in my city. And I feel good just to feel that he too is here. I should have gone to meetm but I didn't. I may go tomorrow. Or not. Not sure. But he is here. And that means a lot. 


The more I am watching these sci fi movies of quantum entanglement, the more am feeling that souls so connect... And once connected, they remain connected... Until you choose not to.... And therefore.. I feel empowered, cared for, loved just because of my friends is so close by - here in my own city. 


'Nadiya ka paani bhi khamosh behta yahan 

Khili chaandni mei chipi laakh khamoshiyan 

Barish ki boondon ki hoti Kahan hai zubaan 

Sulagte dilon mei uthta Kahan hai dhyaan 


Khamoshiyaan aakaash hain 

Tum udne to aao Zara

Khamoshiyan ehsaas hain 

Unhe mehsoos hoti hain kyaa'


I just love this song a lot, a lot. And it always reminds me of Manku. Specially in Goa when I used to wander in the same lanes where we used to live together. And the fact that we have nothing left but silence now. 


10:07

'Kyun sochna hai jaana Kahan 

Jaayein wahin, le jaayein jahan 

Besabriyan'


I had seriously nothing in mind tonight as I came upstairs. And the mood too was so solemn or mellow that I wasn't sure if I would have anything to talk about at all today with you. And for past one hour I hardly left my phone even to sip my coffee... I just told my heart to flow... And it flowed well I guess... 


10:10

Interesting time! 

Specially because it's 20th. 


Ok! So because there are so many planets in alignment... Should we make few wishes!!! Let's... 


10:11

  1.Pushkar book published. 

2. Chamba book published. 

3. Cafe in Himachal

4. My own home @ most app location for me. 

5. To learn driving and have my own car..

6. To learn swimming - suitable for pool, river or even ocean..

7. To have sensible, creative, genuine friends. 

8. To have a loving compatible partner.

9. Spiritual evolution.

10. To rock even the 3D World..

11. To write another book. This time a hit. An award winning book maybe.. something great! A masterpiece. 

12. To do music again. Once again flow with my instruments and vocals..

13. To release album of my own songs. 

14. To explore one more country... Can be anywhere. But full of nature. Unique. 

15. Financial abundance ofcourse. 

16. To paint again. Been so long. To make canvas arts. Atleast 3 more. 

17. To smile soulfully again. 

18. To be healthy, wealthy, wise


Ha ha! I flowed as if it was a cosmic lottery or something but why not. These are my wishes. My dreams. Just imagining them brings joy to my soul and even face. I feel love just imagining these things. 


'Ankhon mei Jo khwaab tha jo

Wo khwaab hai tu'

'Tera ho ke rahun 

Haan rahun'....


Alright my love!!! 

Catch you tomorrow. I feel so connected to you tonight. That am not feeling like leaving you at all. But my inkpad now is acting crazy. Sign that maybe it has been too long a session...

Ha ha.. 

Loads of love! 

It's it just planets.. we too meet here. 

It's a time of our unison. 

A long and heart felt embrace. 

Mmmmmmuuuah... 

A kiss upon your nape. 


Catch you tomorrow love... 

May we waltz amidst stars and moon tonight... 


'O re lamhe tu kahin mat Jaa

Ho sake to umr bhar ruk jaa'


Ha ha! Love you.


............


April 21

Delhi

9 PM


Hey Love! Welcome! Am feeling like going on another terrace tonight! So many people everyday on the terrace beside and I feel as if our privacy gets compromised. Let's go! 

We began with our spot. But let's just go somewhere else tonight! 


And we are on the cornermost terrace today of our society. It has tiles all over and Moon is sparkling all the more over here. It's pretty. But also a bit more noisy for road's sounds are reaching here. 


And in my ears, is my favourite song... 'Falling slowly'... I simply love this song and perform it so many times... 


Well, first things first... Remember how I wished to dance with you in the cosmos... This morning around 3:30 AM, I came upstairs... There was a beautiful golden Moon round and golden... Look what I wrote for it then! 


"Moon looks like a golden cosmic egg resting upon the bedding of soft clouds or feathers of divine feminine - gently holding it, protecting it, hiding it from the world. 

Yet the gold of Moon is so bright that the night gains light and stars feel shy for Moon is Moon. Golden and round... Still a Cosmic Egg! Soon to be hatched into a full Moon - beautiful and golden to enchant the world with its beauty, light, sheer purity and cosmic light! 

White birds fly across the night sky - as if shooting stars - they all be the carriers of joy! The relief to find - earth by her moon! It's the story of an enternal Love! Love of Earth and the Moon! 

And the moon feels shy. Still an unhatched egg. Still hiding its light. Still resting upon cusiony clouds. Knowing fully well that soon he would show his face. Out to express his love. Out to tell the earth - how much he missed her. How much he has always loved her. That being an egg was his necessity. Yet deep within, he always knew, that the earth would still be there - waiting for him to finish his divine process. 

And soon they would make love. And they will have their much deserved unison! 

But tonight! Tonight the moon is still an unhatched egg. Now hiding behind clouds, now drowning in the night... Now peeping at his earth. All the more sure that he belongs to her. And she belongs to him. That they have always meant to be together. That though the earth was always consistent and visible - waiting for him. But he too had always encircled her and only her - from eternity till eternity. There was just no other way. They belonged to each other. And despite of as many cycles and processes - both knew they would always find each other. May it be on one side of earth or the other. May it be as an egg or a full moon. 

Just tonight, the Moon peeped out of the clouds - awed by his earth still full of oceans of love. And the earth sighed for she too saw a reddish gold face hidden amidst clouds. She knew he was looking at her. But tonight the earth was confident. She knew he belonged to her. She knew she belonged to him. Tonight, she breathed and relaxed leisurely. Glowing in the cosmic light. No more anxious for her deserving love and light. She knew they would soon be together. She knew she could breath and be at leisure. And while the oceans swooned inside her, she showed her fully formed stable and strong crust! For Moon to see that she believed in him. For universe to see that their destiny was clear to her. That she had faith in the universe. And she had faith in their love! 

And Moon glowed looking at the earth glow as it drowned gently into the lull of pre-dawn leaving a gentle farewell for the earth. 

Both knew the unison was near. Both were ready and curious. Both had grown up working upon themselves. Always swooning, always craving for each other. Always knowing that the other was right there, just not fully visible. 


And they both slept well knowing fully well! That their silence reached each other. And soon there would be love like no other! The absence had only made their love stronger. Distance had only made the bond purer and stronger. They now were sure that there was no other. That their love was the purest, the surest and divine. That soon they would be out of all blinds. They couldn't wait. Yet waiting is the only thing amidst few others they were masters at. 


But they had practiced their notes well. For they knew that together a new symphony would be created. A music like no other. A song for the world. Song of their eternal love. Song of meeting, separating, waiting, meeting again and the ongoing cycles... Until they became one! A singular unit taking cycles of the Sun together."



And then, I danced... Early morning.... 4:30-5:30... Moon had long drowned by then... But I was in my spirits and simply felt like living it.... I danced and danced after many months that I felt as really myself. As if I had found myself back. For I wasn't thinking about anyone or anybody. And I could simply enjoy the moments waltzing in music and melody. And my ponytail waves behind, my loose neck flaunted my bosom .. but I felt alive... And lived the moment feeling blessed.

Later I remembered my wish and was dazzled how it quickly it had come true!!! 


9:09

'Tu saath hai agar 

Tanha kyun hai Safar

Itna bta mujhe 

Kyun hai mujh se bekhabar'


Oh, last night I watched a romantic comedy. I had seen it before but just loved it even again. It had Rechal of friends... And another handsome guy who was a plastic surgeon. After a girl 

Had ditched him at the time of his marriage, he had not married for years and had instead become a Playboy. Rechal was his assistant and was a divorcee with two kids. Doctor fell for a 23 year old girl who saw a ring in his hand...and he had to lie that he was married but was about to get divorced to prove that he was available to be married to her..m somehow Rechal agreed to become his fake wife and her kids too got pulled to play his fake kids... The kids were smart though. They manipulated the situation to go for their long held wish of going to Hawai and swimming with the dolfins...They all went together. In the turn of events doctor and Rechal realised that they had always been in love. They just had not realised it till then. Happy ending. They got married in real.. 

Well, it was a fun movie. But kinky at times.... But overall fun and light to watch. 


9:16

'Jitni tu milti jaaye 

Utni lage thodi thodi 

Jab bhi tu le angdai

Aa ke mere o ri'...

This song is so connected to this specific terrace. Even last time I had practiced it over here... Last year I guess. Though I had covered it on the same block where we usually meet. 


This one is way too lit. And too noisy. But yeah, for the sake of change. Atleast it is secluded and private. 

This terrace has its own gym equipments and even a hookah surprisingly. Ha ha! Must belong to some young guy! Who knows! If there's a proper hookah kept over here, then am I can atleast smoke over here. Like no one would mind it. 


This morning I did a little bit of stretching. I hardly move much and my body is getting all the more jammed. Can't wait to go on mountains, to hike around, to trek, to meet with mountain dogs, to sing and perform, to dance... Can't wait to make new friends. This time I will for sure. For I feel more opened up again in terms of socialising. 


9:25

It's my second day of periods. I bleeded way less as compared. This time my date is way light. Numerous things impact a woman's date. Diet, emotions, hormones, mood, state of mind, health... As long as am getting down on time.... It's alright. But yeah, it is crucial to also bleed healthily. It is important to remove anything unnecessary from the body. 


I was watching stand up comedy before meeting you. I laughed after a long time. I love watching stand up comedy whenever I feel the need for it. They make me laugh and are such a big time mirror of society. They say what can't be said by news channels or prestigious personalities. They have freedomt I be sarcastic. They have freedom to be honest. And that's what I love about comedy. It can be honest. That's why it upsets me when people waste that kind of platform in trivial things like body jokes or potty jokes etc. I much respect sensible comedy. That expresses reality through the lens of comedy. That makes one think. That disturbs the so called normative yet brings lightness to the mind and environment. Such a great way to bring change! 


Yet not all are sensible to even bear it. People can't handle jokes when they know they are at fault. Take example of politicians or any power units like religious institutions. I don't support insulting anyone or anything on the name of comedy. But yes, honesty with smart comedy along with solutions to the problems pointed are more my way. 


'Hum wahan hain 

Jahan se hum ko bhi 

Kuch hmari khabar nahi aati

Koi ummeed bhar nahi aati.'


9:33

Maybe one day, I would also do stand up comedy. Once I used to be funniest amidst my close friends. And I do have a great way of expressing. But yeah! I have become too much of an introvert. And have stopped observing more or less for my interest fields differ now. But maybe too much of observation led to that. Some day! Some day! 


'Qaabe kis muh se jaogey gaalib

Sharm tumko magar nahi aati'


Ha ha! Lyrics be like! Lol!!! 


9:39

I forgot to tell you... I made a super yummy mango vannilla ice cream the other day. It's seriously luscious. Throughout childhood and teenage, momsha used to make custard for me. And instead of food, I used to eat only a kg custard each day and drink sherbats brought by papa.... I still don't feel much hungry during summers. And much prefer to have ice creams if I have to eat and sherbats to drink.... It is only this year that I have finally learned to appreciate plain water. Else I always preferred it to be flavoured if I had to drink a lot of water. Now though I feel so dehydrated that simple water be the only suppliment for it.


'paaya wo na chaaha 

Chaaha wo na paaya 

Jiske peeche bhaage 

Wo saaya hai re saaya 

Kya kya raste dhoondhe 

Kya kya dukh na paaya 

Par saaya thehra saaya 

Haathon mei na aaya'


'Koi subah Jo mai uthoon

Mujhe agan mile sukoon'


9:43

This terrace is all white. And moon light is illuminating it all. I am sitting on earth. Tiny - right below the moon. With my legs hugging my bosom and back supported by a white tiled brick bench! 


'Toote saare naate

Haara mai samjhaate 

Bichde saathi naati 

Fir waapis nahi aatey'


Lovely lyrics know. Haven't heard this one much. It's still in my playlist. I must have found it great to add it in the list. I am loving it still. 


So two new recent loves. One is 'Nakkashi'. Another is this one... It's called 'Man jaage'. 


When I will have my own home, I will have loads of white cotton bed sheets. And light cotton curtains - red, blue and pink! Plain ones. With a hint of gold or silver. 


Aromatic candles all over. Room freshners... Lot of windows to ensure sunlight and fresh air... Lot of glass walls... Lot of crystals ofcourse... And lot lot lot of plants... Even trees if I would have my own verranda. 


Right now we have a peepul tree beside. And numerous trees right across. And so many plants with flowers upon this terrace. 


This is one thing that I love about my society. Most of the terraces, porticos and even ground floor verrandas have numerous plants. That shows people connected to nature. 


Another favorite song of mine! 


'Khamoshiyan awaaz hain

Lafzon mei bas inkaar hai...'


9:56

The book am reading these days is called 'Divine by mistake'. It has an English teacher. Her English literature background reminds me of my own academic background. But yeah, in the book there is a little too much of it. Like literature idioms and names thrown randomly everywhere. A bit too much. She has gone to some art sale. Something I would have loved to do as well. So far she is attracted towards some ancient case that is sending the lady to some mystic imagination. Haven't read it much.... But yeah, she is athletic in her looks - just like I am. Though I am not as tall as her. Also she said that mostly it is short guys who get attracted towards her. Kind of same with me. Though I don't care about looks much. It is mostly energy and soul that attracts me. 


'Tujh se mera Deen dharam hai 

Mujh se teri khudai 

Tu bole to ban jaun Mai bhulle shah saudaai'


10:00

I am kind of excited to go to Manali this time. I have a group of friends...one actually who is a part of a band. And I hope that I be able to join them. It is a long held wish. To be a part of a good band. They all are great musicians. It would be my pleasure and such a great learning experience. So am excited. 


'Jiski na parvaaz khatm ho

Dil ye mera wohi parinda hai'


10:02

It feels great to not be disturbed by any neighbours. And funny that today I am rather curious if they have come upon their respective terraces. Lol. Humans I tell you, how are we designed. We get attached to our issues as well. So weird! 


But this terrace seems alien. I hardly come here even otherwise. So it just doesn't feel like my own. 


'Na milna bhi bahaut zroori hota hai'.


10:04

Off! Next one is core love! 'Madubhala'....


'Nazar utarun, ya mai kar dun

Isko kaid kahin 

Aisi ulfat har kisi ke haq mei aati nahi...

Madhubala se bhi aala lagti ho meri Nazar se tum ko dekhun to'


And a car just whoosed by on the road below, playing Kajra re on woofers. People I tell you! 


Please don't mind me quoting so many songs tonight! I hardly have much to say today. Didn't watch/read/think much... Mostly slept... Or did basics... And don't really know where time flew .. Yet here we are... My only constant these days! 


Oh, am thinking of creating another set of songs now... Like last one has more of sad love songs and relevant poetry. I want to have happier and more confident poems and songs in the next set. To inspire and create a happy vibe... 


'Haule se, dheeme se

Mujh ko bahon mei bhar lo na tum'


I love Anuv jain. He is one independent artist who only releases his originals. And his voice is so soothing. Music so simple. I have covered most of his songs. And they suited ukulele as well. I love his energy in his songs. Subtle, simple, mild yet so effective... 

And he plays so well with highs and lows... 


'Ab tere Bina meri sansein

Jaise Bina nindiyan ki ratein hain to

Aur tu hi mere Dil ki Raza hai 

Tere Bina Dil bhi khafa

Hai to'


10:10

Mosquitos are insane upon this terrace. 


10:11

So what would you like to do? We have hardly talked about anything today...


And a white bird just flew by - passing the gold of Moon - ensuring to claim its presence at the same time highlighting the moon behind...


In that movie 'Voyager' that's how they used to identify various planets in the cosmos. By calculating the lack of light each time a planet passed by any star. The lows in the graph of light represented the size of the planet. How much light it blocked and for how long. And then they used to proceed with other traces... Smart! 


'I am warrior 

Warrior of Love'


A sea of trees are visible from this terrace. Ofcourse in the centre are flood lights - killing the vibe. But the light therefore highlights various peahens sleeping upon the trees. They will be alive by 3-3:30.. that's their time to be active and alive. They shrill and sing at that time..

Sometimes when we are lucky, peacocks and peahens come upon our terraces as well. But mostly they hang out upon trees. Or they prefer the slants of oppiste multistoried society for that one has 8-9 floors I guess, so it's super tall and therefore, no one goes on its terraces. 


'Baby you got me so crazy'


Delhi has become quite hot these days. And because I am down, I can feel it all the more. But I am only thankful for it. Last month when I was sick, it was so unusual for me to feel cold. I don't mind winters, I love them. But summers or heat is something that I can't handle. Yet when I was sick, it felt as if I was feeling cold from within. No matter what I did, I had goosebumps often times. There was no sweat. And it was simply unusual to feel cold in hot weather. 

I feel normal now. And it's good. Means I am getting better. 


'Hor mainu kuch nai chaida 

Soniya tere siwa'


10:25

Dear Nine! I share my innermost fears and cherished most dreams with you having full faith in you that you would dissolve my hears and strengthen my dreams. It's a time of churning for me, for inner reflections. Don't mind if it gets heavy or silly at times. It's just what it is. And it is helping me a lot. For there is no fear of judgement. No fear that a diary would be stolen. No fear that people would use what I shared against me. It's just honest and there. Thank you for being there with me.


And another memory of Manku and Silver....

'Saavan beeto jaaye piharva'


Songs totally are time capsules. 


I need a new playlist. New memories. New people. New me! 


Better souls in my life. 


My brother stole two personal diaries of mine and a 12 year long book that I was working on. Why do people do such shallow things. Those narratives were so crucial to me. I sometimes wish for him to lose his creation also some day to realise the pain of it. Well, I can't really be the judge of others. I don't really want anyone to feel what I felt. 


10:30 

Two stars look at me from the sky - like two eyes! As if divine is taking care of me. Always looking at me. Always loving me. 


'Tu Jo nahi to aise Piya hum

Jaise soona angana 

Nain tihari raah niharein

Nainan ko tarsao na'


I miss being in stage. I miss performing. Just with this song n image of mine singing on stage in front of the sea in Goa came in front of my eyes... Where I was one with music... One with the crowd... One with the wind and waves... 


People judge performing... Society looks down at it if it is not at some huge level... Like you are an entertainer for few people... But it is way deeper and higher than that. It is being one with the music. One with ambience... One with nature. It's an act of God!


'When you kiss me heaven sighs

And though I close my eyes

I feel La vien Rose!'


Alright my love! Too many mosquitos..uff! Catch you tomorrow. Loads of love!


Or maybe we can simply be with each other still... Talk when we feel like and share silence for a while... Yeah! Let's. 


10:36

There's a giant tree filled with only red flowers in the opposite society ... It must be palaash... Maybe.. can't really see the kind of flowers from this distance. But the tree is so pretty. Core red! I just love the color red! Specially to paint. That's the color I always being with. Aah! It has been too long I have painted upon a wall or a canvas. My hands crave to feel the touch of paint. Do you know, I paint with my hands instead of brushes when it comes to walls... I be able to give a better texture and cover larger portions... Na dit just feels great to feel each inch of my art... As if I fill life of my own to my own art... I connect more that way. 


10:40

Sky is getting cloudy. With stokes of white all over. Like those strokes drawn in the sea below a full moon

 Slight concaves spreading mild lights... Likewise is the sky..  silvery clouds spread mildly... 


'Mere liye tu hai mera

Mere liye mai hun tera'


10:43

The moon has a golden halo around - dissolving in the silver of white clouds... It's beautiful... 


10:47

My lower back is paining like anything these days. Maybe because I am down.. maybe because of my wrong postures. Maybe because I over slept. Or who knows...

You know what I really feel the need of... A good massage. Not with oil. But that accupressure one. The one I am so good at giving. A pure one. A therapeutic one..If only I had a sequel to give me exactly what I give. That is exactly what I need. I did try to press my pressure points this morning. But it is difficult to do it myself. For rest of the body parts need to relax. How can I relax and pressure to depressure. It's just weird. And impossible. Ha ha! 


10:50

Why are mosquitos behind my life ever since I have come back to Delhi..they never used to bug me.. but this time, they have pledged to me annoy me everywhere. Can because I am carrying Goa's blood and it intoxicated them and is a different flavour for them. Lol..


10:52

Moon amidst thick grey clouds suddenly reminds me of those tiny silvery plates I used to have in my kitchen set back in my childhood when I used to play with my dolls. I have lost donated those toys I guess. but I still have my dolls. They sit in a showcase in my study table. But last time I gave them a bath, I noticed their plastic to be a bit melting. They are Barbie dolls, still melting. Everything has an expiry date after all. Everything is mortal. To imagine... I too would be just gone from this world one day. All these worries for nothing... All excitements, all goals, all anxieties - for what. One day it would all be useless. For I wouldn't be in it. Poof! And one goes away. And still we give such huge value to sonmany unnecessary things... 

That gives one a perspective... Ideally it teaches to value what you have for as long as you have... 

And that's why I really loved this song .. 'I'm gonna love you, like I'm gonna lose you'...

But come to think of it... Isn't it a compromised way of living... 

There must be a reason that we don't remember our own death all the time...why we all live as immortals till we actually face it... 

Else it would be impossible to live with this happiness, this ego, this identity... We would hardly attach with anything... Nothing and nobody would seem own..  like we go visit a place for few days knowing that the guest house is temporary.... The people are temporary...the experiences are temporary... And we are here to simply enjoy and unwind... But we hardly fall in love or possess or belong there to anyone or anything.

Free state of mind I guess. Perfect for life. Yet we don't apply or implement it. 


10:59

'Shining in the hall of fame 

And the world's gonna know your name!'


11:00

One day all my books would be published and be read by people all over the world. One day my paintings would reach international places would inspire and heal those seeking colors and art therapy..one day my music would heal the listeners and accompany others walking just like I am on lonely terrace and moon-lit or less nights... 


'And the world's gonna know your name!'


'You can be a chariot

You can be the best 

You can be a master...

You can break rocks...

Standing in the hall of fame!'


11:07

Why say? Wanna go to our usual spot? It feels different here! Let's just go to our spot. Neighbours or no neighbours - that spot is more ours! 


'Deta hai aisa Safar kyun 

Hai mazilein jinki nahi'


Let's go! 


11:11

Alright yo! Here we are upon our spot. What timing haah! I love 1111. One of my favourite numbers... This is what I used to charge for each tarot reading back in Goa. And I got numerous people to read it for. I just find this number magical..twin flame number. 

And this terrace feels home. Peaceful. No artificial light. Simple. With moonlight. Aah! Peace. To imagine, leaving a comfort zone only to come back to it in order to value it. At times, it's necessary I guess. To value what we have! 


And there is no neighbours around as well. Perfect! 


'ik dafa fir se Zinda hua tha

Nazar jo Aya tu,

To jeena aaya'



11:18

Alright my love! Weather is too suffocative tonight to continue our meet. Maybe I will chill for a while... And then go back...


'Jo tum na ho

Rhenge hum nahi

Na chaiye kuch tum se zyada 

Tum se kam nahi'


Maybe it will rain soon. For each suffocative summer spell is only broken with a happy rain! 


Loads of love my love. Thank you for all that you do with your silent presence... Our sessions mean a lot to me. Even if there are days when I hardly have much to speak about... 


'Bin kaam kaam karne 

Jaana kahin ho chaahe 

Har baar hi guzarna 

Teri taraf se'


Reminds me of the shop of those two friends I had in Goa. It was just impossible for me to pass by their shop and not meet with them. I simply loved their company. Loved their presence in my life. For no reason at all. Sometimes I wondered if they had done a spell on me. For I felt too attached to them. No matter what I did, they were always in the back of my mind. If I used to get something for myself, I used to remember them and ensured to take it for them as well. And at times I didn't buy something for myself as well if it seemed costly to take in three. And even if I wasted a lot of time... But I was happy that I could open up so much with others again. And though we didn't talk much personally... Yet having people to watch silly movies with, laughing about random things... Discussing random people... All that mattered to me somehow.. for I hardly do it in my life.. 


But later I realised that I don't want to become as ambitionless or pessimistic in life. And the one married was instead attracted towards me. And the other one though spiritually evolved but was emotionally struck. And while I wanted him to heal but I was instead absorbing his darkness. And it was with utmost difficulty that I had recovered front that stage. 

Together we had a splendid time. But they were for sure a step back in my life. The step from which I had already evolved and therefore wanted to help them to come out of. But they were comfortable where they were. And I instead was getting more and more pulled to step down.

And I didn't want that in my life. 

I wish them well. Hope that they do something great in life. 

I wasn't disappointed to see them compromising with values. Another turn off for me. I prefer people to be honest and do what is right instead of running away from situations or deceiving people. And I don't want to be friends with those who deceive others. I tried my level best to convince them otherwise. Again a mistake. For people do what they want to do. You can't change them or their decisions. Instead I got pulled in all that. That was stupid of me. I know. Don't even know why I did that. I just didn't want my friends to do something wrong. I should have instead let them do what they decided for themselves on their own and later decide if they were worth being friends with or not. 

Finally they did what was wrong... And I was too attached by then.

Glad I am fine without them. Maybe it was good for me... Otherwise I would have still been in an unhealthy attachment. 


I loved the second one's eyes. They were so deep and heart broken and spiritually divine. Later I realised, they were always high. Lol. 


11:31

Alrigjt my love! This time am going for sure. Lol..loads of love... 


'I'm in love

Yeah! I don't know if I can face that.'


Love you! 


'I want your love!'


Good night..

Mmmmmmuuuaaahhh...


'You are my angel

Come and save me tonight!'


Bye bye! See you tomorrow...


'You are my angel

Come and make it alright!'


............


April 22, 2024

Delhi

9 PM


Hey love! Welcome! A tender welcome to this Moonlit night! Always know that I love you. Wherever you be, whenever you be, know that this space right here is core therapy. It's healing for me in an otherwise weird world..

I woke up at 7:40 all angry don't know why.... Didn't remember my dreams as well. And was bothered by CST session happening at home like everyday. Comeon our home is not a clinic. But then, each has his/her own way of living and soon I will go. I just can't handle loud people.. why do people have to shout always while talking. Why are people so loud! It just impacts me way too much - loud people. And sadly two people at my own home are so loud. That's basic - you must talk at a decent pitch. It's just one person you are talking to - on or off phone. Why do you need to shout it as if you are talking to a large group or something. Well, have read that people who are too loud or speak too much are either lonely deep within, or feel that they are not heard enough. Whatever be the case, it's too notch annoying and uncivilized. Can't change others! 

Can only use earphones or drown out the noise somehow with AC or music. Whatever! 


Oh, did I tell you that it did rain last night. At around 3 AM last night it rained like anything. It was simply beautiful. 


'Mil gya, mil gya Mera jahan 

How gya, ho gya, tu Jo Mera!'


I was reading that book 'Divine by Mistake' by 'P.C. cast' and it was raining heaven outside. I simply opened the windows of my room and allowed fresh air and that fresh aroma of wet soil to enter in and kept on reading. The book is so so epic. Didn't know that mere words could have turned me on. But there, I was turned on after I don't know years or something! 


It's a fantasy cum sci fi book which entails a 35 year old English teacher/woman - entering a mirror world and she reaches from Okhlama to what resembles Rome! And there she finds herself replacing her doppelganger who was a princess. Suddenly Shannon becomes Rhionna and gets bethroed to a guy who is half horse, half human. She is a high priestess in the other world and is a chosen favorite of their goddess. Her guy is a shaman and is a pro at shape shifting. Soon they find themselves evil dark winged creatures. In that world she finds numerous people a replica of her own world, only in different garbs and entities. But their essence is the same even there and so she has a rough sense - whome to trust or whom to utilise and how. 

Even their her dad resembles the dad of her previous world but he is instead killed by the evil people in the other world. She felt sad even for the other guy and undertakes a journey upon her special silver mare - just to go visit him. And in the process explores the new world. Her new husband comes to rescue her when she finds herself lost in. Forest with her mare injured. Because he is half horse, they undertake the journey together with her riding her own husband. Imagine taking a horse ride and actually riding your husband who from half body upwards is a muscular human. Well, that turned me on..

And she is quick to be friends with even his friends. 

He previous Rihonna was essentially a manizer and was rude to everyone. Not Shannon. She became their new queen who was kind and understanding and was totally in love with just one man - her shaman husband. 

And because she is a high priestess, she has this super power of magic sleep. In her dreams, her soul leaves her body and she can rise up to actually travel to anywhere and see what's happening over there. In her previous life, she could control her dreams and always order her dreams to change if she didn't like them. In this world however, she had no control over her dreams and she was instead taken to places which needed her inspection as per the goddess. And that's how she had seen the murder of her father. And that's how she sees what the enemy group does further on. Right now in the book, she has finally unveiled her real entity to her husband after a night long sex with him who had shape shifted into a human to make love to her. Also her most trustworthy slave/friend who had really told her about the interswitch knows and now her beloved also knows who is a history professor cum healer. 

And together they are planning some kind of plan to save rest of the women and their world. 


The book is quite humorous and written from Shannon's perspective .. 


Their are loads of epic scenes... Like her vividly mentioned baths where she has a pool of spring water and she is bathed with numerous essential oils and sponges... Or when she finds Rihonna's wardrobe full of epic silks and dresses of all kinds..and jewellery filled with diamonds and crystals.. (though there was more gold there and I prefer silver).


Most of her dresses her see throughs with thongs.. lol.. (I don't like thongs. They seem uncomfortable to me. ) 


Oh, and all the guards stay bare and are muscular with super sexy bodies for previous Rihonna was a manizer... And though Shannon has no plans of sleeping with them, but she enjoys having such handsome guards guarding her..


And there was this scene where she had to give goddess's message to her entire 'praja'... But she had to wear a golden skirt with nothing on top. It was funny the way she described her boobs juggling as she mounted her horse.


I really love how she is connected to horses and loves them and how she understands horse language in both the worlds..


And the relation between her and her husband is described so passionately thatbit gives me goosebumps and totally turns me on...when she rode him on the journey.. when they took a bath together... When he rubbed her feet to bring them back to senses... When she talks in his ears... When he touches her... It's all described so passionately... The kisses upon neck... The love! 



I had not expected this book to be so passionate and epic. But it is.. 

And specially to read it while it was raining outside, and it was middle of night - my favorite time!!! Aah! It was just otherworldly. I was Shannon mounting a high shaman. I was the high priestess - the chosen one of the goddess. I was the adventurer talking to my silver mare middle of no where. I was dipped in elixir being spoiled with fragrant oils and soaps... I was wearing those silks and leathers or being free about my body and self as I allowed myself to get tuned to the goddess, appreciate the glimmering river, and quote Yeats... It was beautiful... 


'Into the unknown...'


And then I went upstairs at around 4 on the terrace. There was a giant golden Moon about to take rest in the embrace of night/morning..  the air was fresh. So fresh that all I wanted to do was taken long deep breaths to fill myself with a lot of oxygen... There were magical clouds and stars in the sky... And as I sat upon the floor of terrace, my spine was getting meditative on its own... Going forward and backward ... As if tuned to the frequency of earth...


9:32

'Muskaan adharon pe liye

Kyun mai sada chup hi Raha 

Paavan tumhare Prem ko

Kyun moh tha maine kaha

Har baat samjhana sada 

Sambhav nahi raadhe 

Samay samjhayega'


Oh, this morning was dedicated to a bit of self care. I bleached my face and feet. My feet must have got the shock of their life for I had never bleached them in my life. But they were tanned... And also full of mosquito bites. And though I have hardly even gone out...yet they were just not returning back to their natural shade despite of cleaning them so much... So I bleached them.. bleach removes tanning for sure... 


Right now I am wearing Palo santo, lemon essential oil and rose oil all over. Palo santo below nose - to smell healing and feel better about life. Lemon to keep off the mosquitos... And rose to have unconditional love for self....


'Le ja zarurat ho to

Meri dhadkanein

Inmei sunai dengi 

Meri khwahishein'


9:36

My favorites numbers are all here.


Oh ya, I had a spectacular sunrise this morning. The sky was all blue and windy... And between that a red sun took birth. It was all heaven..the same world seems like some other world all together. As if I was at a hill station or something. I saw numerous birds. And remember that red tree I mentioned last night? I saw it in morning light this morning. Turns out, it's not palaash. The flowers are different. But it's a beautiful shade of love for sure.


The terrace is suddenly filled with cats who are either fighting or love making. Ha ha! Who knows! 


Oh, this morning I also played a song on uke after a long time. Just one song.  My voice doesn't come out at home. I just fail to sing well over here. Years of narcissistic abuse. Well, when I will go outside, I will sing for sure...


9:39

'Jis saavan mei Piya Ghar naahi

Aah Lage us saavan ko'


Ha ha! It's a beautiful song. I used to cover it in Pushkar. And I can always sing this one... Even in the coarsest of my voices. 


9:45

We have cold coffee to go with us tonight and firecrackers in the sky..ha ha! Crazy combi! 


I too connect aot with high priestess energy a lot by the way! That and with Hermit. Being a hermit is part of being a Virgo! And being a high priestess comes with experiences, practices and ofcourse your life path and previous karmas! I do feel chosen one. Not mentally so. But spiritually! And when I do tarot card reading. Or in life otherwise. 


Don't think I am saying it because of the book. Rather I could resonate a lot because I already connect to that specific role. I just wish they bring more spiritual and magical side to the book instead of just sexual. For sexual is something I hardly have any touch with.. for now I also connect a lot with celibate.. ha ha! Some youth it is! 


'dhaaga ek bandhu tujh ko

Mannat bana lun

Shiddat bana lun tujhe'


9:49

So many firecrackers in the sky tonight. Must be wedding season going on or something. 


9:53

'Batein ye kabhi na

Tu bhoolna 

Koi Teri khatir hai jee rha 

Jaaye tu kahin bhi ye sochna 

Koi Teri khatir

Hai jee rha'


So, wanna go to some fantasy land today? Maybe to a beach? May be to mountains... Maybe below aurora lights... Or pyramids of Egypt... Or be in Antarctica and play in snow and understand how people live together there facing nature at its extream go! Or maybe we can go to Amsterdam and do cycling gazing at the numerous lakes there and have coffee in various colorful cafes there.. or we can also go to Paris - the city of Love! Or how about simply going all round the world... Not knowing where to be next... A total surrender totbe surreal beauty of nature and culture... Who knows! 

We can even go to the world of stars. Where life is simple. Either the peace of aether.. or the glow of pure emotions and art... Art spread in the huge cannopy of cosmos... Celestial objects spray painted by God! 


Or may be we can be birds... I love eagles.. yeah! Let's be eagles and fly across borders...

Or let's be those magical blue birds - singing incognito on various mountains all over the world... Leave a sense of wonder and luck in the eyes of anyone observing and then fly away suddenly or vanish from there...


Or let's be trees together. Home to various pure creatures... To branch out and touch the sky.. to let our roots penetrate deep inside the treasures of the earth. To have a huge body to sleep in the purity of rain water. To be a home to numerous innocent creatures. And birds would chirp upon our branches. Squirrels would hop out of our logs... Birds would nest and make love upon us. And we would be together. 


Or I being a river and you be an ocean... And we would play flow and merge... And keep on recycling our love into more and more evolved form..


10:01

'Na duniya ke liye likhte 

Na mere liye likhte

Gaalib Zinda hote 

To tere liye likhte'


Uff! The Moon is just beautiful. These days it choses to be behind me. Right upon my head but from behind. As if it's my halo. That a cluster of clouds. Straight thick bubby lines of grey clouds and a magical moon in between. 


Do you know it snowed last night in Manali. Aah! I miss it. 


'Khamoshiyan,

teri meri khamoshiyan'


10:09

These days I am also getting this strange call from Kashmir. As if it's calling me. But I am not so sure for one it's expensive. And another I just don't feel as safe or free over there. Yet it's this desire to just go there, live on a house boat for few days, write about it... And then explore around.... And write about my experiences... I have only been there once and that too for few days... I would rather love to live there for at least a month or more... And write about its beauty and purity and also be one with it. But then, it's just a desire. And I am not so sure of it..


10:11

'do matvaale naina hmare

Teri hi raah takat hain Pyaare

Man ki meri preet bhujha de

Tan ki meri sej saja de'


There are clouds still, means it would rain again... I just love rain. It helps me heal. It's my sign of transformation. Delhi always welcomes and farewells me with rain. And so does any new or old place. It had rained right after my first gig in Goa. And I had ensured to take ba leisurely bath in it. I have experienced rain in all cities of India - wherever I have been to do far. As if Nature knows what pleases me and also ensures to gift me with it. 

Likewise is my connection with snow. I never had to go and chase it. It always came to me on its own. As a surprise. Suddenly. Even in off seasons.


'Toone jo chua na yun 

Man ka har dhaaga

Mil ke bnaye yun 

Nakkashi'


Offf! I love this song. I so wish to remember this song's lyrics. The other day I also danced a bit on it.


'ho gajra sa lipte 

ye man tori bahon mei 

Agan lagaye hai 

Nakkashi'


Such beautiful lyrics. So heart touching.


'mainhun tapti ret si

Tu barkha ka hai paani 

Maati tore charno ki

Dhool hai suhani

Baaje manjeera dholak

Naache Mann mora

Tujh bin I saajan 

Har teerath adhoora'


'Itar sa bikhar jaaye 

Mann tori saanson mei 

Taan sajaye hai 

Nakkashe 

Tone chua hai jo 

Mann ka har ik dhaaga

Yun ban ke banaye hai 

Nakkashi'


Ha ha! I quoted most of it. 

Back in my childhood when there was no Google. And it was the time of radio. I had a diary just to write songs. And I used to note down songs while listening to them in radio to both remember the lyrics and also increase my writing speed. Ha ha! It was a beautiful diary. I had even pasted Barbie stickers and made few drawings along with it. I have always been a crafty girl. Lol. 


10:19

Even now, you would find both sketches and writings and designs and decor in all of my diaries. I just love aesthetics. As if  I am still in school or something. Ha ha! Well, I just love art. And I still prefer to write instead of type. Though typing is more functional. But to write is a different feel all together. It just fills life into a paper. And therefore I just can't never write anything negative. Except once or twice when I really had to remove something from my system. I later destroyed those writings. Almost all of my hand written poems or narratives are mostly optimistic, hopeful, filled with love...


'We were just kids

When we fell in love 

Not knowing what it was

I Will not give you up

This time'


Yeah! I love writing. That's my breath. And therefore even if I have done so many things, acquired numerous entities.. I still relate with being an author the most. And I know it takes time to establish oneself as a writer. Sometimes a life time.... Sometimes one good connection... Sometimes one lucky chance... Who knows what destiny has in store for me... 

But success or no success... I got to keep on writing. It's my oxygen.. it is what keeps me alive....

Would you believe... When I had met with an accident... Had one broken arm and a swollen face and had taken a flight to Delhi to be back home... Even then, though my right hand was plastered... I ensured to write the last poem of my experiences of that trip in my diary - from my left hand... 


I thought am ambidexter... Majorly lefty... But I write with right.. and when I paint... The detailed portion I do with right...but majorly I paint with left... Large portions or places that need strength - all happens with left... And I play with left hand...do most of the things with left... 

I think I am gifted. For not many can use both their hands. That means that both sides of my brain function well. Isn't it special? It sure is! 


'Naam mere Ishq ka

Duniya ne rakh diya

Paak hai ya hai nahi

Faisla bhi kar diya'


10:27 

Off the moon is beautiful. Silver and almost round. So pretty. So silvery. Like a diamond in the sky. I can hold it in my eyes and arms. I want to kiss it. I want to bath in its light..


'raat ke saaye hon gehre agar 

Raah dikhane jugnu bhi hon

Khoya hua ho jo Mera Safar

Mod pe thehra hua tu bhi ho'


'Akhiri hai iltiza 

Yun na azma mujhe 

Rooh ko sukoon de ya

Khaak mei Mila mujhe'


10:29

I wish the mosquitos vanish from this world. But it seems they are crucial to the bio cycle somehow. I just fail to see any reason why they are alive except making others' life difficult. They just annoy and bug. Why has god really made them? Seriously! They annoy so much! 


10:32

Well, I am done with my periods... So free to move wherever I want to. Most probably I will. Have been in this self imposed prison for too long. Time to live! 


And the cutie cat returns to my terrace. She is so beautiful. 


10:34

And the Moon hides behind thick gray clouds. Wow! It's playing hide and seek it seems. Checking me out, then hiding behind. Such a child! I love it though. 


'Anjaam hai tai mera

Hona tumhe hai mere

Jitni bhi hon dooriyan

Filhaal hain

Ye dooriyan 

Filhaal hain'


10:36

Alright my love. Enough I guess! Haha! My stream of consciousness is endless! Imagine I have been writing so much crap even if I have been thoughtless or intellectually barren! What won't I write when I would feel sensibly fertile. Lol.... 


Cool yo! Good night. 

Loads of love! 

And Moon is out too all bright to bid you farewell for the night. See you tomorrow my delight! 

Cheers! Love! 

Wish we had beer tonight. Just in the mood. Or even wine! 

Well! Moon too is fine... 

And ofcourse us! 

Love! 

Mmmmuuuah! 

A whisper of love in your ear, a wet kiss between your ear and neck - gently sweeping till your shoulders, a brush if lips upon your nipples, a tight hug wrapped around your heart, a soul to soul unison.... 


'Man ka laaga man hi jaane

Jis tan laage wo hi jaane

Aave na ab mohe chain

Pihaji dekho 

Taras gye more nain!'


Ha ha! 

Love! 


'Prem ki batiyan kisko sunaun

Kono Mann ka haal btaun'


Uff! Bye yo! See you tomorrow! 

Mmmuah mmmuah mmmuuah..

......

April 23, 24

Delhi 

9 PM


Hey love! A chocolate coffee welcome! With froth upon my blamed lips and tongue wiping it. A bright almost full golden Moon behind us and wind swaying past my just washed locks! I feel fresh and fragrant! 


'My loneliness is killing me

I must confess

I still believe...

Give me a sign!!!'


We are listening to 90's songs tonight. Have played a random playlist.


'Hit me baby one more time'


I think I would have been a bit had I done a radio show somewhere. That's my way of expressing.... Words and then song.... Poems and songs...

Back in my childhood, at the time of tape-recorders, I had cassettes filled with my madenup jokes and my own voice singing various songs..ha ha! I used to fuse fantasy with comedy and it was sure fun..

Guess this book 'Divine by Mistake' is also a bit like that. Only it's more mature. I just finished it btw... Shannon/Rhea/New Rihanna managed to protect her people with the help of goddess, her centaur (half man-half horse) husband, her loyal friends (both human and centaur) and nine muses of arts.... One thing epic in it was that they used their weekends as strength. Like a plague/small pox had broken lose in their country... Two of the muses had also caught it. The dark forces used to kidnap women after plundering any new state in order to propogate their types. The infected muses went and spread their disease in the enemy clan and hence weakened them from inside. And Rhea with the help of goddess, her courage and divinity - not only faced the enemy, but boosted the war with inspiration and right strategy; but also protected even her own husband numerous times - while he was stronger than her and ensured to take full care of her at other times. 


I realised if someone actually has access to my energy these days (it can be an old woman greedy for my energy or a man really jealous of my appearance and life and therefore trying to absorb my feminity) well, I can apply the same approach. .. I just have to figure out what would annoy and old woman or a guy? Maybe sex is the answer..  lol! Just kidding! Me and my build up castles!   

But yeah! If you actually be in your element, in your best self - nothing can harm you - that's for sure! People won't be able to handle that kind of light tor energy - whatever is not meant for their system!


'That girl is gonna make me fall'

'Like a bullet through your brain!'


9:15

Last night I watched a light movie with dinner. It was called 'Just for the summers'. So a guy and girl visited their own grandmothers during summers who tried to set them up together for they had a history and were once highschool sweethearts... They decided to pretend to be dating in order to stop their grandmothers setting them up with various possible prospects... Eventually they helped each other heal and also became a catalyst in making each other's dreams possible. The girl was a writer and was in the process of publishing a book but was struck in reconstructing the setting and ending. The guy helped her relax and made the perfect inspiration possible. 

And the guy was though a financial banker but his real passion instead was of designing boats. Her simple appreciation, adoration and giving him time to work upon his own dreams as she worked on her own - were enough to dare to dream again and submit his designs... 

Both of their dreams came true. And they also realised that they belonged together... 

Her cousin told her, 'You both bring the best in each other!'


Immediately I thought of Manku... How we too become super creative together... Just with the presence.... How we too have a history.. how fate made us bump into each other numerous times... Untill.... We decided to end it... Or however!!! 


And so in the morning I suddenly found a live video of his that I had never seen before. And for next one and half hours I smiled and laughed and danced to his music and realised it's only him who instill that pure love and emotions in me. 

I felt happy after a long time. I smiled fully from my soul after a long time. 


But I also wonder sometimes, what if we actually come together... We had a supersonic connection when it comes to the level of spirituality or or soul... Our souls are intertwined... We have soul contracts together. There is no doubt about it... Even if there are n number of differences between us...

But to be honest.... There was never any passion between us. At times I wondered if he was gay or something. And I wondered if I would be able to have a lifetime of no bodily passion for I loved him so much. 


Anyway, I don't feel it anymore at all for many years. I think I have grown asexual or something... For I just don't feel like it.. but yeah, given a choice .. I would love to have even that side in a connection. Not overtly so... That shouldn't be the foundation. 

Like I said - Mind, body, soul - all three are essential for me. 

He was only at the level of soul. Neither mind, nor body. And therefore all though he is my twin flame... But we couldn't have been partners... 

Partners are more on the basis of equality. I love him nonetheless. Will always do.. In the purest of ways. He has this super special corner in my soul... The purest of love. Real heartfelt joy. He smiles with his eyes. And they reflect in mine. And that's a connection that  remains beyond time or society. And I would always cherish it. Unnamed. 


'Love is true

Everything I do

I do it for you! 


9:33

The moon is full golden shimmering right behind us. It's beautiful. Luna is beautiful. That any tarot name as well. For I connect the most with Moon. Also Manku's name means Moon. That's what happened this morning..I gazed into a round golden Moon with blushes of red around as I listened to him singing on some live video. There was a girl beside her. I felt mildly jealous of her to be singing with him. But he called her his sister. So I became more accepting of her. Uff! Youth! Humans are crazy! So is our mechanism. 


9:36

Universal number haan! 


Oh, did I tell you... Last night after our meet... That cutie kitty kept of sitting across me.. licking herself clean. I so wanted to pamper her... But didn't want to scare her. In Goa, cats came easily to me. Few even sat in my lap or allowed me to pick them, love them... But cats in Delhi are less trusting... 

It was the same car who at times visit me in my terrace at 3:30 AM whenever she/he feels thirsty and I give her water. So there was some kind of trust already established. Also I had noticed her silently sitting here on this terrace sometimes even during our earlier meets. 

Last night, I just felt this urge to pamper her. So I telepathically told her... That she was alone. So was I. And I really wanted to love her. And wanted her to love me... 

And would you believe... In just few minutes she came a bit closer and lied at a little distance - the way dogs lie down on their backs exposing their tummies for tickles.

That was my cue.. I gently wanted towards her... Not to startle or something. I asked for her permission to pamper her. She got up and began to take circles around me... Nuzzing me...


And here she is. ..seriously.  As I am talking about her. Wait! Let me give her milk... Just give me a minute. Uff. She is beautiful. 

She is drinking her making cute noises... She is lovely. 


So ya... She began to brush me again and again taking circles... Letting me run my fingers through her pretty fur... Again and again pointing where she wanted me to love her.. now purring, now buzzing, now getting pampered, now lieing, now brushing past me. She was unpredictable, so Swift and amazing... 


I too was a bit afraid of her to be honest... For cats out of extream love also bite without realising it. Once all excited, she almost used her teeth on me. But she didn't bite me. Then I got up and came back to my place. She came to me then. Taking circles. I told her that I don't like her use of teeth... 

So she stood up elegantly and sat close to me. Enough to tempt me to love again. Yet also self respecting. 

So I sat down next to her. And pampered her a bit more. And later I left..


When I stepped out around 3:45 to go on terrace... I realised, she was resting right outside my house. 

Animals are the most amazing creations. All they want is love. That's the only thing I had given her last night. And she totally ensured to give it back..

Today I brought her milk mixed with water. I wasn't sure if I would find her so the milk was quite less. Tomorrow hopefully I would bring more. For she did come. And right upon our time. As if to accompany me. She is lovely. Now sitting right across at her favorite spot. Parallel to my eyes. Upon a wall where Moon highlights her whites. She is striped in brown and white. And is super elegant. 


9:49

A tarot reading had said that 9 and 4 are lucky for me these days. And I should be extra attentive when these numbers appear. There was one morem but I have forgotten it. Ha ha! 


9:54

And now the cat is staring me from her spot. Wonder what must be going in her mind. Let's name her. Let's call her 'Epona' now onwards. For that was the name of the goddess in that book I was reading. 

I name all the animals that becomes special to me. And I also give my special friends new names. I just love doing that. 

That bonds me more with them. It feels more personalised - our connection then. Epona is looking at the moon with her head held high - like jungle king or a woolf..I love wolves. Their energy and way of being enchants me. 


Back in Pushkar, I was obsessed with reading books which had Alpha kings (half wolf, half human) or so. 


I connect a lot with Alpha energy. Or even Omega as a female. But not Beta. I can't follow anyone. I can either lead others or lead myself. I don't like to be in groups. I prefer to be on my own..but when time requires, I have good decision making skills, resourcefulness and prowess enough to lead and not lose myself..


As a human though, I tend to feel things much later than they actually occur. Can be a result of long time survival mechanism. On the face of it, I just deal everything head on... Don't realise how I feel oftentimes... Until the time or situation has passed... Then I gather my sense and realise if a connection or situation was good or bad for me. That's both a weekness and a strength. At the time of major shocks, I don't lose my cool and rather deal with situations casually yet perfectly... Without letting my emotions come on the way. Yet when it hampers my immediate reactions... Say I don't react where I should immediately ... And instead stay quite, or go away or give it time... So that I don't react wrongly and only say rhe right thing...however the intensity of chance to react passes at times by then.. but it's for good I guess. One should always behave with a cool head. 

But one shouldn't absorb poison in the process as well. That is what I do at times. Not realising it at the time. But later it gets difficult to process. For I can't throw it back. I can't chose to not absorb.. I then have to go in hibernation to heal it... And it at times takes a toll on my health... May it be physical, spiritual or emotional or mental. 

Still, as a human... This is better than hurting others. Like psycho people do....who just reek their pain and rage everywhere they go... 

Or thieves who simply steal from others... Just because they couldn't make it or got it... And simply decides that they have a right to steal anything from anybody... At any level.. 

Or those psychos who just take out their own life's injustice upon others..

Loads of weird things happen in the world. So much that can never be understood or accorded. 

Yet they happen. Virtues and morality for me personally has huge significance in my life or connections. 


'Forever trust in who you are

And nothing else matters!'


10:11

'Where do you go

My lovely 

I wanna know'


Oh, I had splendid sunrise this morning..there was an eagle sitting on a tree in a far off society towards east. She was just sitting at a perfect angle. Being the perfect silhouette between a giant Red Sun and I. With a good camera, the shots would have been surreal. I so wish to buy a good camera. Go-pro or something. that can even go underwater. Or a drone. To capture me as I trek or hike on random mountains... And much better would be a guy good a photography and also companionship - accompanying me in my excursions. lol. But honestly, I so love to click photographs. It would be a great resource - a good camera. 


'You can touch 

You can play 

If you say, 

I am always yours!'

Seriously? Am listening to Barbie girl.. ha ha! Once though back in my childhood, I used to sing it as well... I didn't know the exact lyrics.. so I used to fill the lines Indisnt know with something self made..

Ha ha! 

I have always been bad at remembering lyrics. My besties back in grad often used to make fun of me... And used to rectify my wrong lyrics as I used to sing wrong ones confidently... As long as they be in tune and go with the song it seems... Ha ha...


And the next song is again a childhood memory... Ha ha ha

'If you wanna be my lover

You have got to be my friend

For friendship last forever

Friendship never ends...

I won't be hasty

I will give you a try

But If you really bug me

I will say good bye'


It's the first time am actually listening to its lyrics properly... Even now I haven't got it fully correct... Lol... 

To imagine... I have been hearing or tapping to it my entire life.. 


10:19

I am craving to click myself all dressed up. Been long have taken any pictures of mine. They help me feel good about myself. Also I haven't uploaded a single picture here. Maybe tonight I will. And then I will upload other pictures or my arts or sunrises as well in our previous posts ..


'Show me the meaning 

of being lonely

Is this the feeling

I need to walk with 

Tell me why 

I can't be there 

Where you are!'


All these songs are reminding me of the time of radio. It's been eons I have actually tuned to radio. It was great though... Like a surprise entertainment... Now we have to choose everything...still these playlists in various platforms are kind of similar.. with even a choice of choosing your genre...

Also radio channels last I heard had 90% advertisements and very few songs or anchoring. That was annoying. But it's the time of capitalism... 


Though I don't vote and have no interest in politics..  yet these days a thought is bugging me again and again... That though I have stayed out of the main stream society... Haven't participated in it for several years... But I had been traveling and observing... And though India seems to be doing well externally... On paper... Or in terms of money... Or business sector... But at the level of ethics, art, souls, happiness, purity - it has taken such a big time toll. The same places that used to feel home, villages that had their purity still, artists who were free about expressing their art anywhere and everywhere, the soft places - all took the biggest toll. It's all money money money. Like enter a transaction and get the fuck out. That element of human connection is lost. Honestly, love, friendship, purity, value of words - have all lost their relavance..

And though on the face it all seems like an upgrade... Better salaries...inspiration to earn more...more money flowing in the society... But unemployment, poverty, doomed state of being, depression, doomed souls have also increased...

And so, though I say that I have been totally out of mainstream society and therefore am not aware enough to vote or not vote... But now I feel that the impact has also been felt everywhere... Even the sector where the impact shouldn't have reached... And though we are as such modernizing... With better built roads, more and more tunnels... Free calls... More highways... But so have the disasters increased... So has the trash content increased... And so has taking time for granted increased... 

People who were once innocent and full of love have now become greedy. People who preferred a gentle pace of life who loved to live it are now running in a race that has no end to it... 


And so I feel bad about my country which though is financially prospering but is psychologically, emotionally, morally suffering..the soul is being compromised which is a cost that not many have an understanding of. 


And though I am not doing much to change any of it... For I couldn't get myself to participate in a corrupt system with such shallow values... But I do feel saddened by its state... 


And I still seek a utopian world..

 Full of love....of acceptance...of growth....of evolution... If care and respect... Without any communism... But loads of love...


Like I am about to love Epona... Just you wait... 


10:40

And she came in her own... Asking for her pamper... Going round and round in circles round my legs... Purring and brushing and ensuring to get her deserved love....one thing I don't get...she seems tummy tickles... But also attacks me when I give.jer exactly them..I know csts are most sensitive upon their tummies and they only let you love them there when they really trust you... Maybe she wants to trust but will take time with that...


And now she is leaving... So elegant..I already love her.. Last night I had left her middle of our love. Tonight she left me ensuring to look back and tell me how it feels.... Ha ha! Cats! So am I. Game is on! I just love her. And am rather amused. 

I knew even yesterday that it would make her feel weird that I left first. Such princesses they are. But that would also help her ease and trust me... That I am enough on my own and she can trust me and come to me. And it worked perfectly. She trusted me.

 Gradually, she would trust me even with her tummy tickles. She wants them, I know that. She will just take time..and I already love her to please her however she likes - with space, with her elegance, with her tantrums... After all, that's how a lady should be loved! 


10:46

Moon is diamond like and beautiful. Wait! Let me plug in music again. I had removed my airpods to fully feel my connection with Epona. 


10:52

And a flock of white birds just flew by in the distant horizon changing shapes from 'V' to 'A'. Beautiful. So intriguing. 

And the moon too looks full. Full Moon should be tomorrow I guess. Got to check. But it is in full bloom and beautiful. 


10:54

Alright my love!! Love you! Been long conversing tonight... Catch you tomorrow love.. 

Mmmmmuuuuaaah.

.........


April 24, 24

Delhi 

9 PM


Hey love! Today is 24.4.24! What a date haan! I am quite angry right now so don't know how to even talk! Banged a few doors to lake it out but am still angry! And drained out suddenly. Obviously. I don't like getting angry! 


Well! It is what it is. Don't want to talk about it. Really! Otherwise a flood would set loose and a lot many people would get hurt! I am leaving everyone to learn their own lessons! Don't want to be a mirror to this godamn society! Let the world be drowned in their own karmas! They all know what they have done and it is not my duty to tell anyone about their wrong or right conduct! Fuck it! 


'Maula mere Ishq ka haafiz hai tu

Tauba fir har dam mai karun bhala kyun 

Maula mere Ishq ka haafiz hai tu

Duniya se fir mai 

Yun darun bhala kyun?'


Oh, I did capture myself last night. It wasn't much. Just I a few changings.. my wardrobe is pretty fucked up and I can't make sense of it anymore when it is so full. I just don't see any sense in organising it. The moment I step out, my family trashes it. And so I am letting it be. Soon I will step out. And they can trash it as they wish. Atleast my efforts won't be wasted. 


Right now am seriously angry. My heart beat is fast. And I have to take deep breaths to calm myself down. 


Eventually we will be fine! You will help me right? 


'Mainu cheti cheti mil dholna 

Mai tai theek nai aan tere bin'


I don't even have any dholna..lol. seriously! Ha ha! I am with myself. That is enough. Yeah! I am enough! 


'Socheya si ki

Te ki ho gya hai

Saadi waari rab so gya hai 

Gali le ke kithe jaiye

Keede kaulo mangi ye dua'


Forgive me if I wrote the lyrics wrong. My Punjabi sucks seriously. Uff! 


Do you know even till few years back I hardly used to understand even a single Punjabi word leave apart saying. Then I fell in love with one sad Punjabi song. And I practiced it like anything. And later a few more Punjabi songs entered my life. And eventually I got my hang around it. The accent , and the lyrics. I can't speak it still.  But I do understand it. That's a step out. Not a Punjabi fan nonetheless. I just appreciate those pind sad songs...folk music with sad love lyrics. They seem nice. Rest all is girls and cars or Bhangra and I don't like any of it. No showoff for this girl! 


'Man jaage saari raat 

mera deewaana

Man maane na ye baat

Ki wo tha begaana 

Hai khud se hi 

Khafa khafa

Kya chahiye 

Nahi pata 

Baanwra... '


Uff! Nice song. I loved it again. Wait! Let me add it to my new playlist. 

The name is 'Man jaage'... I am sure I mentioned it earlier also. Each time I listen to it, I fall more in love. The song is beautiful. 


'Hai zindagi muhaal kyun 

Bna liya ye haal kyun

Bta

Uljha uljha rehta

Na sunta na kuch kehta

Sooni sooni ankhon

Se paani behta rehta'


It's such a sad song. And I want to add on happy songs to my list. But a good song is a good song. And this one is sure epic! Amazing lyrics. Simply loved it. 


'Thandi aahein bhar ke

Jeeta hai mar mar ke

Pyasa reh gya hai ye

Dariya se guzar ke'


9:15

So wanna see few of my pictures from last night? I haven't edited them all... But few of them I can share! Here they are! 










9:21

I have got milk for Epona! Wish she comes soon. Can't wait to meet her. Oh, I met with my neighbourhood dog. I don't know how he always pops up whenever I need him the most. He is so adorable. And he heals me almost instantly. Just today he was with an aunty whom I really detest. She used to stop him from meeting me earlier. Who does that? She is one fake person filled with malice. But who doesn't! I don't like humans overall. Such big time bags of greed, envy, lust, jealousy, hatered, trash talk, trash thoughts!' and so have I become full of hatered. I used to be fullof love for everyone and everything. These days all I have is either disinterest or hate. I have got a lot of apathy. Simply disinterested in everything! That's a sad place to be. I don't see where can I go to recover from it! I don't see any place or people worthy. 

That's the cost of intelligence. That's the cost of being highly intuitive. You simply get what people do behind what they portrat. And it's heart shattering. Animals are way better. They don't pretend. Either they love you or they don't. They don't do politics. That's a special quality humans are misgifted with. And that impacts me immensely. I am a simple soul. Don't like complications when it comes to conversations or connections. 


9:27

'Kuch rishton ka namak

Hi doori hota hai

Na milna bhi bahaut 

Zaroori hota hai'


Once these two lines used to hurt me a lot. They used to remind me of Manku. These days just these two lines seem crucial. For I need it. I don't feel like meeting anybody or talking with anyone. Specially those with ego or fake emotions or double faced ones! 

I just wanna be with myself. Am safe with myself..


9:33

'So take it my fire away

I will never be so right away

No, nobody but me 

Can keep me sane

I am on my way'


Such relatable lyrics! Sorry! If I am only discussing lyrics today. Can't really get into real depths. Don't want to. There are things where I have to draw a line. For those things are ugly. And I don't want to eternalise them. I do feel way lonely and rather liking it. For nobody seems own. No body seems worth it. 


9:36

Aah! Our favourite numbers! 

This is is leap year BTW! It's the year of dragon. And I literally saw a dragon made of clouds in the sky the other day. 


Oh, Full Moon was last night. Though it seems full to me right now! A round golden ball. It's called a pink moon. And this morning itself was seriously pink! 

Beautiful round pink ball.


These sweet voices in the background are making me gag! Any artificial sweetness abhors me. The lady singing is not really this sweet. I can totally make it. And the nasal voice is actually annoying..


Ha ha! Some mood I am in today. Please forgive me.. Just really angry and annoyed! 


9:39

Michael sent me Moon pictures from Ireland last night and I sent him from here. It's really sweet - our connection. Only good connection I can be grateful for these days. It's so pure and sweet and authentic. 

And I have never been in contact with anyone at that long a distance. I oftentimes forget that our time zones are so different. And therefore when I be in bed at night, he shares sunsets from there. It's just amazing. 


And a cockroach just tried to come close to me. I hate them ever since I visited my ex fake friend's place in Bangalore. She had tonnes of them in her kitchen. And ensured to send a few in my rugsack when I returned from there. I feel like killing all of them ever since. But I don't often. For they too are God's creatures. And what's their mistake if they were at the wrong place at the wrong time. Surely not all cockroaches would carry her energy. 


9:43

'Nothing I can do

Struck with you

So go ahead 

And drop me baby!'


9:48

I so wish I had a home to go to..my home or a person. To just pack my bag and go. And never ever return back. A new life! Somewhere far off! Where I be able to be really myself. Far off from energy vampires, from narcissists, from double faced people, from greedy society. 

I so wish for a world where people lovenand respect each other and gce each other space and there be lot of art and music. 


Now, where's that UFO kidnapping people and taking them to another planet? And where is that urn taking me to a mirror world where I be a princess/queen - a goddess's  favorite, with my own loving centaur! Ha ha! Just kidding. I love earth and it's nature too much. I love when it rains. I love spring. I love my old manali when apples bloom there. And I love Kerala in the month of July when everything is lush green. And I love Kashmir in August with not soany tourists, still with patches of snow and vibrant greens in various valleys. And I love riding in Hampi on a moped covering it's mild plateued ups and downs with an ancient world to get lost in. And I love Khajuraho with its magical temples with images of history and love making. And I love Orissa with its jute products and beaches that no one is aware of. And I love Andamaans with its magnificient white sand beaches and turquoise waters. And I love Himachal the most. With my sister Mangalsu with its water like elixir. I really feel home in Old Manali. But I also feel lonely there now each passing year... More and more. So I don't stay there as much. And how can I forget Rishikesh. My Ganga. Where I met with Jal the first time romantically and the connection became eternally sealed. But then rishikesh too has now become a commercial hub sadly. Why is the world changing so much? As if the purity is leaving it bit by bit. As if the soul is reeking out and the structure is getting more and more concrete. I miss the rustic feel of my country. I miss mountain soil and free beaches. It's all too conjusted and commercialised now. And it's really sad. 


And though I too dream of having my own cafe and a guest house. But I don't want to add on another structure in the wild. 

Just like I don't want to ever give life to another child. I had decided to adopt someone earlier - thinking that if I would ever be stable enough, I would probably share my abundance and love with someone who would need it, instead of increasing yet another life in an already populated country. But now, I doubt even that. Max I can do is my own pets. One or two dogs and one or two cats. And ofcourse an aquarium. That's about it. What's the point of bringing more lives to an already depleting world. I have suffered enough. I don't want anyone else to go through that. But I have also loved and lived a lot. And that I would love to gift someone who needs it. Numerous kids are there in the world. Needing human care. They would rather be grateful, instead of complaining. Maybe, who knows! 


10:01

Each time a guy shows interest in making love to me, that's the first thing that comes to my mind. What if by mistake I get pregnant. And then I look at the guy objectively, if he would be able to father a child? If he would take care of his responsibilities - would be loving and sensible and able enough? And the answer is always No! And therefore I don't even make love! If a person is not right for a child then he is not right for me as well! 

Some logic. Lol! 

But yeah! Another reason why I don't really have any man for past many years in my life. Not like I want to be a mother. Not at all. That's my biggest fear. I don't see myself in that role at all. I know, I can be a great mother. I won't let that child undergo what I went through. But I don't want to. That's what matters. I don't want to sacrifice my life. I want to live it in my terms. And I be too sacrificing when it comes to relations that matter to me. I learned it already while raising Pompom. How fussy of a mother I can be. And I don't want that for any child or myself. I would rather love for myself. 


'she said, where do you wanna go

How much you wanna risk

I am not looking for somebody

With some superhuman kiss

I want something just like this...

Some superhero

Some fairy tale bliss 

Somebody I can talk to

Somebody I can kiss

I want something just like this!'


10:08

I feel better! You always heal me love. Or maybe time does. But you are time! Not my favorite. But these days, my biggest teacher. Thank you for that! 


10:14

I charged my crystals this morning with Moonlight! Also I realised that there was a Ganesha statue that I had bought in Goa whose one arm was broken. I had repaired it with M-seal. But I guess it would be better if I let it go. Maybe Manalsu would be able to take care of it better. For my life changed every since I got that statue. I though loved it immensely. But it would be better to let it go. Yeah, I would give it to Manalsu. 


Why I had kept it despite of its broken arm was because one of my arm is also broken. And the statue had kid of called me to itself. And I had just loved it there and then. And though Hinduism denies keeping any broken statues at home leave apart praying to them... But I just adored it. And I read that there was an intellectual who actually used to repair such broken statues with mud art. There is some Japanese art where they full gold in the cracks between bonechina and give those pieces new life. I have always believed in healing, in repairing! But yeah! Sometimes it is crucial to let the broken things go. Few relationships can't be mended. Few pieces are best to part with. Though Hope says otherwise.. so does my principle of always giving it a new go to most gone art pieces. That's why I prefer acrylics. For one can always use a fresh coat of paint and redefine a certain painting. Butthe texture gets impacted nonetheless. And when it comes to relationships, some pant of anger or memories of past behaviour remains. Better to let things go. Allow old relations to flow. Be free. Free of anything unnecessary using space in your heart or life! 


'Oh, it's what you do to me

Hey there Delilah

I know times are getting hard

But just believe me girl

Some day I will pay the bills with this guitar

We will have it good'


Huh! Who knows!!! 


'Even more in love with me

You would fall. 

We will have it all."


10:22

Epona didn't come today. Glad am carrying the milk in a clean bottle and it can be used otherwise. 

She is free in her life. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to give her that much of joyful love. Maybe we both could have healed each other. Who knows? She is not here! That's it! 


Oh, now we have a great song! 


'Kuch seh laniya

Kuch pee laniya

Hoo

Lai banjaara aana

Lai de dhola bangadiyan'


It's a beautiful himachali folk song. Has great music. The girl asks her beloved for bangles. And the guy makes various excuses, saying that they are quite cheap. He may get them...or fuck bangles... He would rather buy her a diamond necklace... The girl insists that he should take her to Jammu and buy her bangles... He agrees... Then she says that fuck bangles. All she needs is the guy's love. And he is enough for her...


'Dhola meraniye

Bas chaida Tera pyaar

Ni chaidiyan bangadiyan'


The guy says, he would buy her the necklace ... She says just bangles... He agrees amused.. alright bangles.  


The music is great. And lyrics are fun. I love Chamba's folk songs...


10:28

Alright my love! Catch you tomorrow. Oh, it was Hanumaan jayanti yesterday. Also the full moon. 

Let me wish them today. 

A very happy Hanuman Jayanti..

A very Happy Full Moon. 

Loads of love! 

A tight tight hug for I need it today..  


'Jogi tere pyaar mei

Mai to jogan ho gyi re'


I wonder, how would I be able to sing without love in my heart... For I don't relate with any of these lyrics of love anymore... I am not more a jogan for anybody. 


Time will tell! Or you would. 

Love you! 

See you tomorrow! 

Mmmmuuuaah! 



........


April 25th, 24

Delhi

9 PM


Yo love! Welcome with an off white goldish Moon right behind my head. It has also just rose and so have I and us! Welcome! Loads of love! A chubby cutie cuddle. A peck! Love! 


'O dariya mujhe nai jaana us paar

Aaya ranjha mera...

O dariya, Zara than to Jaa us paar

Aaya ranjha mera

O dariya, Mera peer mera haqdaar

Aaya ranjha mera.'


Epona too is at her usual spot. Leisuring elegantly. This morning at around 4, she did come to meet me on terrace. I gave her milk finally then. It was meant for her. She didn't finish it. But came for the pamper nonetheless. And it felt special. I was talking to Michael then. It was such a precious moment. I happy. She coming to meet me. A full gold moon in the sky. There was connection, companionship, magic! I was happy. 


Oh, I woke up an hour back with a crazy dream. I did not down the major points. It was sensational. Look what I saw! 


"All of our body parts are meant to be loved. Rather each of our body parts. Even teeth. 

In my dream the protagonist had created various robots for pleasures of various parts..So that if it is end of the world, she still finds pleasure. One to caress her boobs... One to create sensations in her neval and so on..

They were all also named. One was called Succlicius! 


In the dream, there were 6 such robots in an almira.. they could be used step by step or together or separately. 


I was super sexy in my dream and had suddenly found these robots again... For even if I had got them invited, but I was made to forget their power or the power of pleasure so that I forget being happy via that way or the power that comes along with it.

.

In a way I was suddenly rediscovering both pleasure and power at the same time ... Along with independence ....for the robots were such a big time step towards being self efficient! "



Now I don't remember clear details but I felt fuck beautiful in the dream. Don't remember if I was in my own skin or was someone else. But it was seductive. And so different from all of my dreams. To imagine, A.I. fusing with my dreams. Ha ha! Well! Quite a possibility. 


Ever since I got a titatinium rod in my arm, that's how I convince myself; that I have taken a step towards A.I. and I imagine myself having some superpower thus! You never know! Imagination and science fiction has no limit after all. Ha ha! 


'Bas iski zidd hai 

Dil befiqr hai

Laapata

Kaisi ye dhun hai

Kho kar bhi kuch na mila...

Is Dil ki adat yahi hai

Gir kar samajhta nahi hai

Zaalim samajhta nai hai 

Ye koi zubaan

Ye dil beparvaah!'


9:09

I do know though that someone is accessing my channeling my energy, my femininity, my skin, my abundance.... May the person also get my IBS. May, he/she also get my traumas. May he/she suffer so much with my light that he/she bursts with it. And then the light returns to me multiplied ten folds. Whoever is using my youth, may he/she loses 3 times of it and it gets returned to me multiplied. So be it! Mote it be! 


I just could never understand how do people convince their concious to steal! How much of a lack they must have felt deep with in.


'Mohabbat ho gyi thi dono ko

Ik arsa ho gya

Mera ye Ishq tha do tarfa

Ek tarfa ho gya'


9:12

I have very less smokes and limited battery tonight. Don't know how I missed on resupplying myself. Thing is I keep on planning to leave and then keep on postponing it. Even I don't know why! 


9:13

'Yahi qismat thi deewane ki

Mai haara

Jeet hui zamane ki'


Honestly, there is nothing like winning or losing when it comes to love or relationships! It hurts either way... When your loved ones hurt you or you hurt them... And the more one expands spiritually, the more your circle of loved ones enhance. And the more there is possibility of getting hurt. 


9:15

'Tum hi to gaata hai dil

Tum nahi toh geet kahan'


And as usual, am reminded of my childhood friend.. Hope he is well. And in good spirits. Hope he gets a girl soon to be married to and stays loved and happy! 


9:16

Oh, I watched an entire season of a random series I got recommended by YouTube this morning. It was called 'Chachaji vidhayak hain hamare'. It was a fusion of comedy and. Politics. A stand up comedian is playing the lead role there. he looks so innocent and even his character is built on such high morals, ethics.

 And though the series is about politics... But along with its shallow sides, it majorly focuses upon real politics. What a real politician should actually do. Like this comedian ('Ronny' in the series) does. Ronny doesn't want anything to do with politics. It's his uncle actually who is a politician. Ronny just likes to help people around. And he helps his evil uncle and tries to support his childhood friends, his family, his neighbours, random people who come to seek his help... He is loved by all... 

His uncle tries to attack his self esteem. His friends don't know that he has done so many untold good deeds for them... That they eventually come to know. 

Once his uncle imprisons his father under faulty accusation and also gets his best friends jobs/work under threat. It is then that Ronny decided to show his uncle his real place and while helping his uncle, he suddenly nominates himself for the same position... He gets massively supported by opposition party which is better than his uncle... And also gets supported by all the masses... 

I liked the entire plot and picturization. It was good. I had directly begun with season 3, so it all got finished in few hours for the episodes were not very long. And it was all of good quality. I enjoyed it. 


9:23

Yo Nine! It's only a week I guess left for us, or even less.. Actually less. Can you imagine, we spent a month together. I know I was cribbing half the times. Ha ha! I honestly used to be in such bad mood only at the time of our meet. This 8 O' clock, 9 O' clock is not really my favorite time; may it be AM or PM, for its the time of transition. People are coming or leaving and it's all haphazard - the vibe! But yeah! Am glad we could manage to meet each day. Ofcourse you had to bear with all my mood tantrums. I am really thankful for that. But you had no choice. Hope I didn't torture you as much. Ha ha. 

Accept my love and gratitude. You are special..not sure, if I would like to come back to it. I may. You never know..


This too was essential, I am sure. If this is how my year decided to get captured! 


9:27

'Dikhaya hi kyun 

Jab muh morna hi tha

Seene mei hawa toh hai

Par wo saans nahi'


This song was introduced to me by another friend of my society. He got married last to last year I guess. I always used to ensure to catch up with him each time I used to return back. But not anymore. He is married and happy. And it's alright! I don't really want to disturb him. And it was never that deep a friendship... 

I always find it a bit uncomfortable when anybody asks too many personal questions or tries to tell me what I should do in my life... But he is sweet otherwise... So it's alright...


'Mai dhadakta rahun 

Tu bhi yun hansta rahe

Duniya jaaye saali bhaad mei

Koi parvaah hi nahi'


9:30 

I edited a few more pics... Here, let me share them.... Michael said, the pics look 'magical'. I loved that specific compliment. Magic is my favourite word. Ofcourse the good one. But yeah! That was the intention.. to create something ethereal! And to feel better about myself ofcourse... Here, see a few more!!! 











9:37

'Teri meri rahein milengi kabhi 

Kahani meri adhoori sahi

Poori hogi fir kabhi

Tera Mera saath ye

Poora nahi hua abhi

Jahan bhi ho yadon mei ho

Sanson mei ho meri'


It feels like I am listening to this one the first time! But it's in my playlist. Nice lyrics. Haven't heard it though. Good song! 

I like new good songs. Songs without memories. Likewise with people and places. There is so much of scope then..so much to build. So much to create. There are no pre-judgements then. No borders. It can lead anywhere. It can grow into anything. The not-knowing is so beautiful. Curiosity is beautiful. Exploration is beautiful. Friendship is beautiful. 


'gunguni dhoop ki tarah se 

Tarannum mei tum

Choo ke mujhe 

Guzri ho hun

Dekhun tumhe 

Ya mai sunu

Tum hi junoon 

Tum ho sukoon 

Kyun pehle na aayi tum

Kaisi mujhe tum mil gyi 

Qismat or aaye na yakeen!'


Golden Moon with pinky halo behind. White and bronze Epona across. They are at equal height. And in the middle sit I. Happy! At peace! It feels surreal! 


And we have a jumbo mug of cold coffee with us. With a special chocolate design I managed to create with liquid chocolate. It's luscious. 


The cosmic starry eyes peep from the sky! 


'zindagi sitaar ho gyi

Rimjhim balihaar ho gyi'


People are calling me from Old Manali..soon I will go. I so hope to get a house with kitchen there this time. I would like to cook for myself and have a house instead of staying at someone else's house or going out for every meal.. And I would love to go for new treks.. have my own band to belong to and create together. 

And what bliss it would be to bump into a publishing agent who would want to propel both my written books further. And I would love to write yet another book. 


9:45

'Jaane kya kehta hai 

Ankhon se 

Baitha hun shamon mei 

Khud se juda....

Teri hi yadon mei beetey ye ratein 

Home laga....mai Fida...

Socha na tha'


It's funny... How I had decided to not quote any songs at all in this blog. For while listening to my previous blog posts of earlier dated with time; these songs were such a big time diversion. For AI still can't read Hindi in between English properly. And yet, here I am.. often quoting more songs than writing my own feelings... It's just how I flow naturally. After all it's a stream of consciousness... And I type wherever my attention flows! 


9:48

Last night I watched two weird movies. One was super boring about some player who had a promiscuous life... And for struck with sharing his house with 4 pregnant women. The entire movie was a waste of time. 


The next one claimed to be a sci fi. It was called 'Time-loop'. There was science there. It was such a spooky movie. Reminded me of my DMT trip and the same fake shaman who was sinister and had used similar words like 'This is your home. You have been here before.' and was similar in conduct. It rather irked me. And I got disturbed by the movie. It was horror instead of science. 

Why do such people exist. I still pray for that guy to die. It's after that experience that suddenly all my teeth had begun to corrode. I had a vague understanding that either he tried to access my DNA and couldn't. Or else, it was all the stress and trauma that I had to suppress at that time that got stored in my teeth instead. Whatever be the cause... I hope he suffers greatly for his actions. I hope God does justice and punishes him heavily for his conduct. 


9:53

'Asal mei, tum nhi ho mere

Tum nhi ho mere...'


My momsha had called me this time to get me healed with a CST session from some lady. I think this churning and this blog instead is helping me heal more so. For I am becoming more and more honest and reflecting. I am coming in terms with my reality. Though I don't share so many things here as well. But I do write and take them out elsewhere. Ultimately it is crucial to release. Anything that doesn't serve me healthily  in my life. 


Just this morning I was telling Michael... That I am on 'Accepting phase'. I said that no matter what the trauma realisations be... First step is 'Realisation'. Second is 'Acceptance'. Third is 'Release' the unnecessary. Fourth is 'Change'. Fifth is 'Living the Change'. Guess am at acceptance. 


And I said, that Acceptance gets all the more difficult when it comes to your loved ones. For I have grown up looking at everyone as black or white. And instead the world is always grey. So am I. It just gets difficult to accept that specially your loved ones are not as white as you understood. And though even the worst of people have some goodness in their hearts and even the best of people have an iota of darkness repressed inside. Yet it becomes difficult for me to accept these various shades of grey. For I am a 24 carot person. And despite of understanding world to be but various shades of grey, it gets extreamly difficult for me to accept them as it is. 

And yet, realisation itself is a big time step towards healing. Acceptance happens eventually and then you decide what goes with you and what doesn't. You rationalise, if the specific issue you have found in someone you love is acceptable to you or not... And later happens change.. 


Am still churning.. myself... My life.. people around... 


Yet, my reactions are not invalid. They are just wrongly timed. For it is now that am realising numerous things that were wrong throughout my life. It is last year that I realised the pattern. Found the last piece of the puzzle. it is now that am on acceptation mode. And trying to take steps to decide how to go about my life with these newly understood lessons. 


The universe keeps on throwing the same set of people, similar circumstances... Until you don't learn the lessons... A weekling would keep on getting bullied, till he learns that he has to stand up, face the bullies and stand strong saying, Enough... Or .. 'What the fuck? Why the fuck? And Fuck you!'


Or you would keep on finding narcissists or abandoning people... Until you don't learn to value yourself and not fall for the games of those trying to play you. You got to learn to be enough on your own. And not fall pray to any show offs or love bombing. You have to understand the patterns and step out of them... In order to have a healthier life. A better life. New experiences. 

You have learned the lesson finally. You don't need to repeat the same level of life's game! 


It's always great to talk with Michael. Our conversations are really deep and so insightful. And we cover all kinds of topics. And they always help me realise numerous things in my own life... 


10:06

'Lo safar shuru ho gya

Humsafar tu ho gya...

Jab se tum ne baahn thaami 

Raaste aasaan hain

Khushnuma hain meri sansein

Raaste aasaan hain'


10:07

Epona is peeping from her leisured relaxed place. As if wondering if I am free enough to finally give her attention and love or not. Ha ha! She is adorable. Seriously love! 


I am simply feeling extremely honoured to earn a cat's love and trust here in Delhi. Cats here are seriously extremely suspicious. They just don't trust any humans and people too mostly are scared of them or chase them away. But they are so adorable. 

And I feel lucky that she trusts me enough. Oh, and. Last night, she let me give her tummy tickles. Ha ha... In her own elegance...I love all her tantrums. 


10:10

Number of completion. Oh, I have won a personal reading with a tarot reader. I just have to mail her. She has such deep insights. It would be epic to get a reading from her. Again I feel so lucky! 


10:11

'Yaad aavangi, tainu yaad aavaangi'


Anhan! 11% battery. Not good. Aah! I forgot to charge my power bank as well. So I have it but it's useless. Well, maybe it is to cap our talks... I know I share so much each night. Ha ha 

And even then I be like, Oh, I forgot to say this or that. Like I made epic ginger garlic cheese toast last night. And I had full on tomato, garlic, cheese toast this morning. I just love bread items. Maida maida maida. I Iove maida. Ha ha. In all forms...Pizza..bread items... Momos also, but now I am not sure about it. But yeah, essentially all bread items..kulche... Just add on. 

I can live on bread, milk and butter my entire life. I love all those three ingredients to make anything... Ha ha.


10:15

'Mukhtasar mulaqat hai

Ankahee koi baat hai'


I just don't want to leave... But I don't have battery... Catch you tomorrow my love! Loads and loads of love! 

Maybe we will continue mid night ... For am still not content... With you the flow itself grows after an hour... And here I have to already go...never mind.. 

See you tomorrow... 

Will try to talk to you middle of night.  

Love you....

With a gold moon... An elegant Epona... More than half a mug of cold coffee still beside... 

Love you... Sleep tight. 

Mmmmuuuaah..

......


April 26, 24

Delhi

9 PM


Hey love! Welcome! I have just now reached upstairs and it's a super pretty weather. Just give me a minute to plug in music and get comfortable. 

Alright yo! We are ready.... I still generally give myself a few minutes before comming to our connected unit! But yeah, I had to do a lot many things in past one and half hours... And so.. here we are.. meeting at the brink..  post a visit to the stormy market, a bath, even a quick bite..m and I feel fresh at all levels... 


'Mai tapti ret si

Tu barkha ka hai paani'


It drizzled the moment I stepped outside some time  back. It was ll stormy... And there were cotton dandelions flying al over it. With various cars parked with their fancy neon lights on lonely stormy roads and dandelions flying all over with autumn leaves and yellow flowers alliteration... It all seemed like a scene from a film. and as I walked hastily to the market, I pictured myself from third person perspective..m wearing a jeans a kashmiri kurti .. with a shade of red upon my lips.. walking on all determined..(as such I was going to buy just smokes but who knew right) ha ha!!!! So yeah! So,  all determined....walking on... With my hair falling upon my eyes. and my skin getting a bit disturbed with brushes of my locks. as my lashes must have seen a bit perturbed with so much happening... Yet my feet kept on walking on purposefully... As I adjusted my clothes I must have given a sign of dignity... 

And as I bought smoked from the corner shop.. people around must have wondered .. what wrong must she have endured... How intriguing .. 

And as I tucked then all inside jeans, once again walking back towards my house. A couple of cars screeched randomly with handsome guys suddenly gazing along with their dogs. Wishing for a mere eye contact. 

As I  must have walked by,  unaware of my own charisma, walking on lost in my thoughts, leaving a trail of impressions behind! 


Ha ha ha! So that's what I was doing. Part observing, part filming... Part directing, part acting... Just in a single walk to and back from market! 


9:12

'Hale dil tujh ko sunata

Dil agar ye bol paata'


I did see a few handsome people today though. Reminded me of a comedy show I had recently heard where the guy said that there's so much of beauty in Delhi. And that every fourth person seems like a Greek goddess or Greek god... All that, until they open their mouths... He said that appearances simply don't match with personality or entity here in Delhi. Well, it's true as well, to a large extent! I could only laugh! 


9:20

This morning I heard a super epic show by one of my favorite comedians 'Kanan Gill'... 

He sure has churned life big time! Honestly, the entire content was super epic, sensible and weirdly funny. Such a big time mirror to life. 

Theme was, 'Fuck your dreams! Death is coming! Simply party!'

Well he built round these three things... Ultimately ending with the solution that life is like ice-cream...it keeps on melting... Lick it.. and that one moment is life..m so life is like a series of 'Nows'. 'This is it!' this moment.. and then next 'This moment'. There won't ever come a time where you would reach somewhere or become anything and then ultimately be happy. It right here and now.. and all that Nows added on make life... 

Here's a link to some great content! Enjoy! If you really wish to watch something great! And each and every line there can be understood literally, metaphorically, spiritually... However! It's just great! 


https://youtu.be/fh0Ru6LjBAY?si=tGp6HNlnfwGmBdFX


He said, that we often feel as if this fucked up now is not our life. Our life is out there waiting for us. And then that our life would really begin. However, life is going on... Ice cream is melting... Death is coming... Sooner we accept it, more sorted we will be.

He also spoke about this existential crises... Along with the fact that even if we remove all bad, all stresses and concerns... Even then, removal of all bad still doesn't make life good or worth it... So fuck it! Live it! 


9:27

And last night, I watched a great movie called 'Wildflower'. It was a crime thriller and was meant to instigate faith in God.. A girl had mistakenly seen murder of her friend back in childhood. Her mind decided to ommit the details or the fact that she saw it. Instead, she grew up to be this partially psycho girl who though had got a scholarship in arts but used to have these vivid crazy hallucinations where she used to see this murder as if it was happening to her and she used to come up with sketches of the event often times. She called them black outs.. she even used to meet the murdered girl in her imagination considering her a real life friend...

She was distant from her mother - her only relative in the world... 

All these things suddenly increased leading her to even be admitted to mental hospital or caught by cops..nobody believed her story about her friend, for that particular friend had gone missing several years ago... 

Except a guy who had a tragedy of his own.. he believed this girl... And when he wasn't supported by cops, he tried to help the girl by digging earth on his own to either find out that body or some clue to help out this girl...

Eventually the murdered was caught... And the cops were ashamed for they didn't believe in the girl.. and both guy and girl understood the value of faith in each other and also God. 


There were two three things that I really loved in the movie... 


One, she said that our mind has a great way of hiding things for which we are not ready. However, while it hides the major truths, but it also keeps on increasing the inventory of proofs required for the truth to be proved when the right time comes.. 

Like though she had forgotten what she had seen in real life... But she still kept on observing the murdered and sketching details about him later on without realising why she was doing it...


Another thing that touched me was ... That ... When someone gets really passionate about finding something... At times it becomes an obsession... Until the obsessed can't think of anything else but just that... Leading him to do things he wouldn't ever have done otherwise...things that even he can't make sense of ... Leave apart society... Yet the obsessed needs truth... The obsession carves it's own path then..

Until, one reaches the truth.. or becomes one with the obsession..

It was said for the time when that guy was trying to find out the truth in the girl's sketches or descriptions. And though he didn't know why, or if there was any truth in itz he still decided to believe her..  and that belief made him also obsessed... Until he brought out the truth.....


And the best thing that touched me was this scene that girl often used to imagine... Since she couldn't trust anyone or anybody with her truth... She used to imagine herself in a field full of sunflowers... Where she felt safe and a kid again... Though she couldn't retain even that imagination for long anytime, for she never felt safe... And could never trust anybody with her secrets... She said that she felt that she still had control over her secrets or truths nonatter how ugly they were, till they were with her. And she felt as if she would lose a part of herself if she would share her dark truth.. or worst, if the truth would be shared, the darkness would be out in the hands od strangers and she wouldn't be able to control the damage it might do... 

However, when she finally trusted this guy with her secrets and concerns....she felt safe... Her imagination didn't wash off suddenly...the more she came closer, the more the scene lasted... And as she embraced him, she felt like a child again, running free in sunflower garden... For long... As long as she kept on embracing him. And there she cried finally... For she felt safe. She felt home. She felt free! 


It was such a heart touching moment! 


9:45

Neighbours were just now acting like animals with cats on the terrace beside. She ran off pretty scared. Uff! I feel so bad for her. Maybe it was Epona. Or I don't know. There was a cat and she was chased off by neighbours. And she is still being chased off by people downstairs upon this block. Why are people so animal like in their conduct. Why can't they ever act human? Poor she! Scared! And I can't even do anything about it. For these are not my blocks. And I can't claim that cat to be mine. And I can only feel what's happening around. Nothing is happening right here....


I had got Epona rice and milk... Now she is gone! Wish I could have soothed her. Wish I could have offered my love. Now she won't be able to trust even me. For she once again would lose trust from humans.... Because of some shitty people, the trust on others also gets impacted... Like right now, most of the times I wonder... Who of all the people I met with in Goa, could have caused me all these physical changes that I can clearly notice... And so I don't trust anybody!!! 


And that is really sick and sad position to be in. When you lose trust from all. For nobody seems like your own then! And heart chakra gets blocked!


I wish Epona comes here to me. I would sooth her. I want to give her my love. 


Just last night, she had come with such right and haw... Purring and demanding her pamper....playing again and again.. going round and round... Demanding her tickles...letting me hold her, hug her... Now she would again be suspicious... Why do people actually so bad? It's people like these whom should rather be called animals. Its animals who have more humanity to be honest... 


I need a moment! 


9:59

The moon just rose behind loads of clouds! 

And I just found two chocolate cookies in my pocket. I had kept them but had forgotten. Wanna take cold coffee dipped bite? Lol. Let's. In a minute! 


10:00

'Mitwaa 

kahein dhadkaein tujh sekha 

Mitwaa

Ye khud se to na tu chupa'


Oh, I bing watched the first two seasons of 'Chacha hmare vidhayak hain' this morning ..  I realised that that politician was not blood related uncle of Ronny. That the Ronny I had portrayed by just watching third season was not his entire personality. That he actually used to lie so much in previous scenes.. all that rather hurt me... For lies or deception is something that simply doesn't go with me. Though, that's the first requirement of politics... And I guess it all became too much to digest. I didn't like his uselessness, his elephant like walking style... For it reminded me of a lost friend of my own... Who used to do all kinds of shitty stuff and still be in this 'chaud' as if he was the king of the world. 

And I felt really bad for Ronny's father who seemed to be a hard working guy and was always super supportive to Ronny. I felt wow, what an upbringing. 

If one sees all three seasons back to back, one can actually see the growth in even Ronny's personality and character; not just his rise in his stature as a politician... But yeah, he was shown as a good for nothing random guy initially .. and eventually he grew into a hero...

What impacted me more was the deception part. For he was never really related to that guy in reality. 

Yet it seems, it was his life path for he was born to be a politician. 


And as you do know, I don't like politics. Watching it all tired me. I even woke up dreaming about numerous politicians. And decided to not note down anything for I knew it was a tragic impact of my bing watching and no real significance to my growth.  


I do that sometimes... Like even if I remember a dream, I don't note down it for it seems stupid, or something I don't want to remember or something totally irrelevant. 


Oh, I had really loved this one line in that book 'Divine by mistake'... Shannon said, 'I am Freud's wet dream'.... For she used to imagine and dream so much. The line made me chuckle and was such a great expression. 


10:10

'I will always be here with you...

I fall in love with you a little bit more..

Little bit, little bit, little bit more..

Even on the days I am not so sure..'


10:11

So, cookie haan? Let's! Now that I have got it....why not! 


Off! This is heaven in my mouth! Core chocolate light! Simply orgasm in flavour! Super delicious! One more! One more!!! 

Ha ha! It is epic! 


OMG! This is jannat! Thank you God for this life and such flavours! May the humans who created this great a flavour be blessed. May nature that grew this blessings be blessed! Sheer bliss! Thank you! 


And a bronze moon has finally decided to step out of its cloudy blanket... It is still spread leisurely and lazily upon the canopy of a pleasent sky with occasional lightening, as if, bringing it to life! 


'Ek bhi saans 

Alag nahi Leni

Khainch Lena praan se tan ke

Nai rehna dooja ban ke...'


I love this song a lot... Reminds me of so many people and places... So I used to sing it Pushkar... And wished for Pushkar and my crush there to make me a Pushkarite there. Then ofcourse, any love song gets automatically dedicated to Manku... 

Like in these lines.. 


'Ghungru hai tu

Mai toh hun paanv Piya 

Jhanananan'


And then, I also used to cover this song back in Goa during my gigs.. so it reminds me of Goa as well now....Me doing music on stage.. with sea waves right in front...


'Hontho pe aa 

Sargam sa bolun tujhe 

Rat lun magan'


10:21

It was ants in Goa, it's mosquitos here in Delhi... Eating me, bugging me, behind my life! God knows what are they avenging for? How have I wronged them? Uff!!!! Not even a single pore is left now... Mosquitos have bitten me everywhere..they just keep on biting me everytime everywhere these days! 


Kanan says to just accept all your problems and simply deny them. Lol! This is one problem that can't even be denied. For they are so annoying and their piercing bites pain....and they are annoying...


'Does that make me crazy?

Eyes are blue!!!'


10:30

Kanan spoke about the uselessnes of both working your ass off to achieve a certain life or not working at all and simply dreaming about a certain life. He talked about the folly of 'utopian life' mentioning the improbability of winning a lottery or actually ever reaching that level of life where you may become rich while detecting the capitalistic society... Or living a rustic life without having practical knowledge of it... Or even if you achieve it, then maintaining it.. or the shitty method of raising money with money... 


I thought would still love to hold on to my dreams....vision board or not... I believe in my life path. And I believe in my dreams... And my dreams do come true... 


'Love, devotion, feeling, emotion...

Just look into your heart my friend... 

That would be the return to yourself.. 

The return to innocence...

Just believe in destiny... 

Don't give up...

Embrace the change! 

The return to innocence!'


10:35

Moon is pretty. So are th clouds.. fireshots.. lightening... 


'That's not the beginning to the end.. 

That's the beginning of yourself.

The return to innocence'


When clouds cloud me in such ellipses and I be in the centre... Below on earth... As if protected by my Jal! As if taken care of by divine... 

I may seem delusional. But this, this always feels epic. Magical, surreal, ethereal, connected! 


And to me, this feeling matters more than facts. For at times, there is no factual explanation to what you feel and yet you feel. And that feeling matters the most. Like right now. Where I be one with ethereal. With cosmos. Well taken care of. Protected and loved! Healed..brought to my celestial senses. And it sure feels heavenly. 

With or without my own skin..

My soul and essential energy is something that nobody can take from me. 

That belongs to me. That belongs to my cosmic entity. And nothing and nobody can tarnish it. It's pure. It's filled with love and hope. It has faith. It believes, it trusts. It's connected to the entire universe. It's cosmic. It's beyond earth..beyond matter. Beyond time! 

It had been there and will always be. Until I merge with the cosmos. 


And so here I am. A starseed. A starlight. Specks of Stardust holding cosmic light. 


A divine soul connected and United. Loved and in love. Observing, relaxing, carving, living! 


10:42

'Tujh ko mai rakh lun wahan 

Jahan oe kahin hai mera yakeen'


Alright my love! Should we call it a night? Ha ha! I just never feel like leaving. Specially because I get into the groove after an hour. I feel more secluded and therefore comfortable after two hours... Ha ha...


And still we have had almost a month of such deep conversations of all kinds... 


'khayalin ka sheher

Tu jaane tere hone se hi aabaad hai

Hawaein haq mei woi hai jo 

Aate jaate Tera naam len'


Love you love! Good night! 

See you tomorrow... I hope Epona returns.. last night I tried giving her a piece of watermelon for I had read that cat's love them. She didn't even touch it. Today I will try rice. For milk after all is not healthy for them. Cats I read are lactose intolerant. Well, let's hope she eats it. Before that, let's hope that she is safe and happy wherever that she believed. 

And let's hope that she comes to meet me. 


Goodnight yo! Sayonara!

Over and out! 

See ya tomorrow! 

Ha ha! 

Mmmuuuaah! 


.............


April 27, 24

Delhi

9 PM


Hey love! Just give me a minute .. am all dressed up and ready... Just gotta reach out spot... We have banana shake with us tonight... Can take cookies or not! 


Right now my room is filled with Tea tree oil & Palo santo's fragrance... Fused with a talcum powder 'Passion' by 'Envy' .... Ha ha! People have named their company by the name Envy!!! Lmao!!! 


Alright! Let me just gather my stuff and then we will go. Though it feels pretty good here as well... And  I feel quite dazed this evening .. as if let it be.. zero excitement. just at peace... But ya... We will go... I won't surrender to any lack of strength. .. rather will make it work so much that my strength comes back to me! 


9:08

Alright yo! Here we are! Back at our spot! Epona is also here. But I am a bit angry with her. Would you believe what she did last night... So she came to meet me moment our date got over. She asked for her pamper, as usual circled me again and again. I was rather happy and relieved to find her safe and and in her usual mood. I gave her milky rice. She didn't eat them. And after a while, she climbed upon the wall right beside and then peed right here .. ewwww! And then she walked away showing her back to me .. that was weird..  

I thought for a moment what should I do... For I didn't wish to leave our spot.. and she had peed right beside .. then I gave myself some weird concept that maybe the cat helped me get rid of some weird magic done on me... Ha ha .  

Anyway, I did feel a bit hurt and angry. For it was so unusual of her... Usually she behaves so nicely and cutely ... But then even other humans had been pretty bad upon her last night. So I didn't take it on my heart....


We have an epic banana shake with us... Aah! It could have been sweeter... Guess semi freezing it made taste less sweeter... 


Last night I heart 70 percent of our meetings... I sure am a talker.. So I had made a pdf of our posts so far, in order to listen to them all together using Read aloud feature... Even listening to it all couldn't help me finally take out the crux of it all. It's just there . Spread... A stream of consciousness.... 

Though I got reminded of my dreams... Realised, I had been again and dreaming and realising and wondering how to go about them.... 

Then ofcourse, I had bitched about a lot many people... Seems I had been carrying way too much from outside... 

Then ofcourse I had had concerns about my health and also a bit about appearance... For both had taken a toll.. but it seemed nice and enjoyable - the crazy solutions and experiments I came up with...

 Also we did dig a bit into spirituality and religion... Had meditation sessions... Connected to cosmos and consciousness.... 


I discussed my views about friendships, connections, relations everywhere... 

Yet the more I discussed connections, the freer and lighter I found myself of them. Which feels great right now...


All in all, it has simp been a churning... And still going on! We have three more days to go! We managed to create extraordinariness out of ordinary... Maybe! Maybe not! 


I wrote a poem this morning reflecting upon my this blogpost... Wrote it for an insta post along with few of the pics that I had clicked for you! 












"Womanhood consists of many moods.

It's raw emotions.

Liquid Mercury! 

A free flow. 

A mine of repressed feelings.

Untouched sensations!


As you cross 30,

A lot many things pop back in mind.

Things that you couldn't decipher when you were younger. 

Unfelt emotions, 

Unexpressed expressions.

Suddenly a lot many patterns show their face.

Lot many episodes seems repetitive. 

As if, you become a spectator of your own life. 

As if, it was someone else living so far

Only it was your life! 


And suddenly you may feel 

A flood of emotions or nothing at all.

It can be a rainbow of 

Rage, grief, anger, helplessness, 

Joy, excitement, curiosity, rebelliousness. 

It can be empathy. 

Or even apathy. 

Can be new found interest. 

Or sheer disinterest.


What matters most however 

Is to be in touch with all those emotions. 

For it may seem that the timing is wrong

What the point 

For numerous things happened way back in past. 

Or numerous reactions just make no sense anymore! 


But wait! Your emotions are valid. 

True, misplaced or misdirected. 

What's crucial right now is to face them. 

To feel it. 

Empathy or apathy 

Both are crucial for  growth. 

Interest or disinterest 

Both are result of some other root cause. 

Focus on the root of it. 

Feel it. Be with it. 


For womanhood is not just nurturing others.

Womanhood begins with self. 

With getting in touch with your real emotions. 

And humanity begins only then 

When those emotions meet with their logical explanations. 

The root of it all. 

Why you are the way you are. 

Why your life had certain patterns. 

What can you do to change them? 

What have been the lessons! 

Churn them! Chisel yourself. 

Feel them. Heal yourself. 


You may have to let go a lot, many! 

You may have acquire a bit, few! 

But then... That's how evolution happens. 

That's where growth lies.

 In life,In self,

In humanity. 

Right here as you tend to your own self! 


Be bare! Be free! 

Feel it all. And then release. 

Face the demons 

And politely close doors to them. 

You have a greater purpose..

Which begins with 'Realisation'

Followed by 'Acceptance'

And then 'Change' happens 

Leading to 'Transformation'. 

Of self, of life... 

As a coal becomes a diamond!"


9:25

Alright! Let's play some music! 

It's a weird day! I feel pretty Zen! As if the reality has shifted entirely. My eyes were swollen when I woke up. Last night after our meet I felt feverish and went to sudden slumber. A friend from Goa had texted before that and therefore I blocked him. For I doubted, what if the energy was being leaked there. I though have a soft corner for him. But yeah! Ofcourse I need to keep myself fit and healthy. Anyway, ever since I have been feeling drained out. 

Whatever be the cause, I will conquer it. 


Let's play some music. 


have played some Lofi chill mix! I don't like slowed versions of originals.. but yeah! So is the mood today. Slow and zen! It's fine! Instrumental! 


9:30 

My locks are all wet! Let me open them to be dried naturally! Soon my life will change again. Would you miss me? I don't know about myself. 


I have been having a lot of fruits these days. To help with my dehydration. Also momsha is ensuring all kinds of fruits... Watermelon, other melons, mangoes, cheeku, bananas, what not! I feel blessed! Truly nurtured! 

Thank you cosmos for everything. Thank you for such abundance. 

Love you..


9:32

What's your favourite fruit? I love kiwis the most. I had them the first time when I had dengue... Ever since I fell in love with them.  


I don't like apples much usually. But in himachal , when I hike or hang out in forests; and I feel hungry or thirsty... Aah! I can't tell you how blessed of a feeling it is - to simoky pluck an apple of a tree and have it... Those apples are way juicier.. and crunchy and tasty... Really sweet... 

The ones anywhere else, seem bit soggy to me... 


And I prefer mangoes which have more pulp and less fibre. I prefer to eat mangoes instead of sucking them. But ofcourse mangoes are the best..


Watermelon too is my love... Ever since childhood. Back when I was a cute chubby child, it was watermelons that used to help me sail through Navratris. For my main purpose was to diet... 


9:36

Our favorite digits haan! Oh, tomorrow I will be getting a personal tarot card reading done... I became a lucky winner without even trying... Ha ha ...can you believe it? I just never win anything by luck anywhere. It sure was surprising. And I got happy.

Let's see what the lady has to say! I am looking forward to it. 


9:38

The colors around, the sounds - everything seems otherworldly tonight! As if I have entered some other dimension! So is the music. Different! 


Though it's quite noisy down on the road. Lot of traffic! Soon I would be far off from all these noises. That's one thing I love the most on mountains! The peace. The nature. The lack of city noise. The solitariness! Though at times it gets extreamly lonely. But often times, it feels heaven. Numerous dogs to accompany. Nature in its full flow. Full of love. My sister river Manalsu... Round river rocks .  Cold refreshing baths in river . Hot healing baths in sulphur ponds. It's all heaven... Can't wait to take a dip! And then maybe live on! This time, even bringing my own cafe and guest house to life! 


9:44

People are going crazy on insta. They don't understand that whoever texts me after each of my revealing pics... I judge them intensely. I understand that all that they want is my body. Though I expect my friends to be open minded. to be as free about their bodies as well. . I don't like bodies being a taboo... But the reactions help me understand society's conduct and focus as well... It's weird!


9:50

Weather is beautiful today. It's windy around. Music is romantic. My locks still damp and fragrant falling towards one side. And I am sipping banana shake alongside. It's such a feel good moment. Perfect in every way! Few moments are beautiful in their simplicity. This is one such moment. Perfect. Pleasent. Fragrant..at peace! 


About my books. You know the best. Help me get them published. I have written and typed them. Publishing part - you got to take care of it. Thank you for that in advance. 


The leaves upon trees around are dancing.. They too are living this 'Now' to its max capacity. 


I feel hollow and empty. I feel bliss. As if a huge weight is off my shoulders. As if I had been carrying some dark energy without knowing and now I am finally healed of it. I feel free. I feel bliss! 


Thank you for helping me heal. Thank you for everything. You are magical dear Nine! 

You are charismatic! 


Nine divas of Durga. Nine planets. Nine energies of magic! 


Time to change the music! 


10:00 

Have played sensual music. It has saxophone..


'You are running around my brain!'


10:01

Alright my love! Take care of yours... Catch you tomorrow..

I don't have much to talk about today. 

Just want to be! 


Loads of Love! 

Mmmuuuah! 

...........

April 28, 24

Delhi 

9 PM


Hey love! Welcome! I have just reached our spot. Isn't it incredible how we have successfully managed to meet each fucking day on time, except once! It's awesome! 

Epona is relaxing right across. 

And last night she did come to meet me. I was initially a bit angry but then I pampered her nonetheless.. for I love her. And she maybe doesn't know any better! 

But I think she does... Anyway, I will leave. What's the point of holding grudges even from a cat whom I actually love so much. So yeah! Let it be. Today I have got her a little milk..though it's not too healthy but she doesn't take anythingel else that I bring for her.  A little bit I guess is alright. And I ensure to add water to it. 


9:03

We are yet to plug in music. Yet to get into any groove. Weather is too sullen today. No wind. No moment. On a stand still. Stagnated. Almost like my own mood. 


I read last night that cat's expose their tummies to only those whom they trust. It's a sign of them showing that they trust you enough to be vulnerable to you. And in no way it means that you are free to tickle them on their bellies. Rather that's their most sensitive part. And though a very few cats do love tummy tickles as well, but mostly don't. Nor do they like being picked or kissed. You need to understand their body language to know what they like and what they don't. 

I have always been a dog person. Though I always wanted to be a cat person as well. But it takes time. I am learning gradually so that I can love Epona properly and understand her language and know what she wants and what she doesn't..


No Moon out yet. Even the stars are scarcely visible. Such a dead night. Dead enough to call boredom or routine or misery it's child. Yet decent enough to be called yet another stable night. 


Let's add music to it. 


'And I want it now

Time will show me how

Suddenly everything 

Has turned me inside out

Suddenly Love's the thing 

That I can't live without'


9:15

To be honest I just want to go now! Go far far away. Don't know where. Anywhere where I be alive and in my element. Anywhere where I don't escape life or suffocate myself. 


Where I am not haunted by the ghosts of past..like when my brother tried to get into my bed. Or installed a camera in my washroom... Or tried to touch me... And my mom blamed my short clothes and blamed me and did absolutely nothing about it.

Or how my mom took out all her anger and helpless out on me. And I stayed confused between her love bombing and suddenly attacks and belittling. 

Or how my father never ever took responsibility or was there to guide or protect me..

There is a lot to be thankful for. There is a lot to complain about. And I just don't want anything to do with it all. 

How my cousin had I'll intentions towards me. And my mom specially went to attend his wedding and still ensures a relationship with them all even if they all instead raised their fingers upon my character. 

Etc. etc... 

There such stupid things to me now for all these relations or past means nothing. But that inner child feels that injustice still. And no matter what I do, I can't seem to calm it. 

For the patterns are still the same. 

When am outside, my mom cries and calls me back home with love. And when I return back, she expects me to be someone different, wants to control my life. And when I don't do that, she takes not even a second to simply tell me to get out of the house for after all it's her house. 

And I wonder, where do I really belong! 

Honestly, now I just don't even get into the illusion of it. I know the difference between words and actions. 

I have seen my mother and brother manipulating everyone around till I am left with nobody. She ensured to even steal my friends. And my brother had always been jealous of me. He bought each and every single thing I had - bigger and more uglier - just to prove himself better. 

And I never had any craving for material to be honest. It was always just a mean, a utility. But now our house has double of even senseless things. And they keep on piling things - trying to occupy as much space as possible for they both are hollow inside... They know they need to gossip. All three of them need constant supplies to support their fake images and life. 

And while I do appreciate the fact that they atleast are sorted in their own lives but I don't get why they had to make me a scapegoat for it all. Narcissists! 


And I don't even want to think about them. But isn't it sad that the only people meant to be in your life and love and support you are your worst critiques, judges and enemies? 

All my life I seeked that love and support outside - yet always trusted wrong people. For I just didn't know healthy connections. 


Remember I told you I had won a personal tarot reading. So this morning I did have it. She insisted upon I being so busy in my passions that I have no time to overgive in terms of my time, love or attention. She also pointed out that the reason why I don't date or don't want to get married is one because I have mostly seen failed relations. And secondly, deep within I believe that I can never have it. That I have to work upon this brainwashing. I have to believe that I have done nothing wrong and that I deserve to have love and healthy connections as well in my life. 

She recommended stepping out, having as many friends as possible, not over exerting in terms of emotions, only opening up slowly and eventually .. and still to always have loads of people... So that nobody can take me for granted. .. and to invest majority of my time to my arts and passions... 


9:31

'Saajna re,

Pyaar se dekh to 

Tu kabhi 

Tu hai Sagar wohi 

Jiski mai hun Nadi 

Ant mera likha 

Tujh mei hi'


I was so engrossed in our conversation that I didn't even notice Epona walking elsewhere. She simply vanished. 

Well, hopefully she will come. 


9:34

And as I mentioned, she came walking elegantly in her cat walk. Now she is having milk with such cute licking sounds. I just love this sound when a cat or a dog drinks anything happily. It's so fulfilling - the sound of it. Also I love it when she lies on her back and taps her paws in air, half scratching herself on the ground, half surrendering to the love. It's just another level of freedom and being! Core therapy. Pure. And pristine. 


9:36

'Chahe kuch na kehna, 

Bhale chup tu rehna 

Mujhe hai pata 

Tere pyaar ka

Khamosh chehra

Ankhon pe pehra 

Khud hai gawa

Tere pyaar ka'


Oh! I can't have enough of her. She is core love. Sheer cuteness.


And now she is sitting around - respecting my space as well as leisuring in her own! It's so nice. She is not too demanding. Yet totally ensures to mark her presence and exchange love. I cherish our connection. 


'Mujh se sau baar pooche 

Farishte magar

Mai kahe jaun har baar

Khwaja Piya

Mai bhi hun qwan sabardaar

Kjwaaja piya'


I miss Manku. All these days I took his name numerous times. Understand this one thing, it's more about this image that I have of him in my mind. Ofcourse his pure energy and ethereal voice. That's about it. Rest all is an imaginary version that I have in me. For he could instill this unconditional love in me. Not like I want him as a partner. But I do love this imagined version of him or someone in my heart. And it would mean so much to have that kind of love and connection in my life. 


'Haan seekha maine jeena jeena 

Kaise jeena 

Aan seekha maine jeena 

Mere humdum'


Oh ya, I had this weird set of dreams last night. First dream was of those two friends from Goa. We were all in some urban setting. And I had gone to donate blood. Turns out, I had been donating blood to them regularly on my own - willingly. And they were rather going away from me. Yet it is for them that I had been regularly donating my blood. And still in the next scene, we three were going somewhere in a car. Actually the one I adored and I. The other one was still in another building. 


I was still thinking about this government kind of gigantic building where I had donated my blood.... 

That the dream changed. 


In the second dream, I was in some other body and had a twin sister. We were both grown ups but I time travelled to past in my dream to meet with my twin sister. A much younger version of hers. And I was watching her full of adoration as an adolescent she ran free in some free field of a green village. 


Don't remember much post that. Except that I had time travelled and I had a twin sister and it was crucial to go meet her in the last when we were younger. 


That's what I remember. Crazy know! 


9:55

'O saathi

Tere Bina 

Rahi ko raah dikhe na'


9:56

I have closed the lid on my connection with both those two friends. One was greedy and a bit untrustworthy and super toxic. The other though was super polite but had immense amount of ego. He wanted my attention and time but pretended as if he didn't care about it at all. I remembered a drunk girl seeking physical connection yet too shy to accept it. So she pretends to be drunk.. lol. 

He wanted to talk and be more in connection. But had issues with making a call. And I just can't live with bread crumbing people anymore. 

If a person is unsure of his feelings or emotions and has zero confidence or guts to own it; well, I am not for him. I deserve a person so proud of me in his life that he wants to shout it out loud in the world. Not like I want to flaunt my connections. Seriously, I have become a super introvert in my life. But I do demand people sure of their emotions and our connection. I don't want people with their one foot in and one foot out or pretending to be not giving a fuck to it at all. For I do give a fuck. I do care about others. And I would want connections who also care about me, about us! 

It's not much to ask. But it is a lot for people still needing to heal themselves. And I do have a soft side for these people. I too am not fully healed. But I don't want to take a step back. I gave this guy two months with first month making active efforts. Second month, I left it on him. Ball was in his court. He half texted random good mornings every now and then. And what exactly was I supposed to do with them? 

So I let it go! 

I hope it all washes off! 


 

Now just look at Epona! She is such a healthy connections. She demands her share of love. Gives me my space. Yet is always consistent. She understands me completely without even words. She just chills around at our respective time. And then comes when I take a break or after our meet. And then chills nearby, never disturbing me... Yet if I get too busy, she would just purring and either takes rounds or scratch her head on the pavement I sit upon or sway her tail and ask me to pamper her... Or at times come and gently lick my toe or gives me mild nibble. It's just too sweet. Too pure. Too epic. And I too give her love for I too need her love. And I enjoy her car walks, and cute gestures, and the way she walks and out as she pleases... Yet her consistency is simply epic. 


Humans seriously can learn so much from animals! They are God's gifts to us. Nature's lessons! 


10:09

I saw a meme today that said that one should walk as if he/she is in a movie - all the time! Best dressed. In your best character and acting! 

I was immediately reminded of that one recent evening when I walked down to the market and almost felt the same thing. I being. An actor and director at the same time! Ha ha! 


10:10

Such epic digits! 


'Dariya tu khaali kar de

Mujh mei saara tu bhar de

Tujh ko aa mai pi jaun 

Pyaas bujha dun'


Alright my love! Catch you tomorrow! 

We have but two more days left together! 

Thank you for it all. 

Soon I would be elsewhere + away from this mental imprisonment. Away from escape. Yet I am sure it all had a meaning and reason to it. 


These days it's getting more and more difficult to conquer the avenging self deep in me. I don't want to lose myself. Don't want to stooo down. 

Yet like a spring, or a seed... I am born to reach heights! Of all kinds! 


Loads of love! 

Mmmuuuaah

......


April 29, 24

Delhi 

9 PM! Hey Love! Let me just change and we will be set to go upstairs. I had a long long bath and didn't even realise how the time simply went on! But yeah, I feel fresh, fragrant and clean! Let me just wear my terrace wears, pour mango shake from the freezer to my mug and we will go! 


9:09 

Alright! All set! We are at our spot. Weather is seriously romantic and epic. Jannat! God knows why I didn't step out sooner! 

Ofcourse, I was watching a movie. And to a certain extent, it was a good movie, for it kept me hooked to it. 


Movie's name was 'Fitrat'. Still don't know why they named it so, for ultimately people behaved unlike their intentions and it was never their real fitrat whatever they claimed or displayed throughout! 


The movie was based upon two best friends. Still a sour spot for me. And it was filmed in both Uttarakhand and Delhi. Female protagonist 'Chaani Bisht' lost her mother when she was younger and some guy bought her mother's painting made by her father while she didn't want it sold. The buyer taught her a lesson that everything and everyone has a price. She decided to become super rich or marry someone super rich in future. 

Cut two, scene shifts to Mussoorie where her father became an art teacher in a high end school and though rest of the girls judged her for her status or lack of money, there was only a single girl who accepted her for who she was and became her friend. 

They became besties and did numerous things together... And decided to stay in touch forever. 

The friend was a super rich girl from Delhi. 

Chaani though topped journalism degree amidst numerous colleges but still was hooked to her dream of marrying someone rich...

In Delhi she got caught in a series of tragedies and struggles finally reaching her bestie's home where she mistook her bestie's fiance to be her brother and almost fell for him. 

Later she realised that it was her bestie and under no circumstances she wanted to hurt her bestie but her fiance had got smitten by Chaani by then for he was never in love with her friend but with Chaani it was love at first sight. 

The entire movie revolved with series of revenge games and plottings where the fiance managed to cause a rue between both these friends, kept on leading his wedding with her friend Amy, yet kept on persisting Chaani to give in to his love. She had become his obsession. 

Chaani was the most hurt for not only she had lost her reputation, but she had also lost the most crucial relation of her life - her best friend Amy.

And Amy was just not ready to listen to her or believe her. 

Ultimately, Chaani had no choice. And on Amy's wedding's day; she went to meet Amy's finance who always wanted just her and broken his wedding on the main day just to get Chaani. 

However, Amy's father was extreamly reputed who immediately reported her fiance's other frauds and got him arrested. 

Chaani got her revenge. 

But typical Bollywood, couldn't digest the fact that a woman can actually win over a man. So the guy was still like, you didn't win. I let you win. Because I had already lost everything for my love for you. And I had already won when you came to me on my wedding night. 

And she was left with bittersweet taste as he got imprisoned. 

Later Amy came to meet Chaani to Mussoorie because her fiance had finally told her everything in prison.  How he had got Chaani caught in something she never did. How he was the one always in love. And how Chaani never gave in for she always thought about Amy. 

Amy apologised for her mistake. And asked Chaani if she ever lived Amy's fiance. Chaani told her that for her friendship was the biggest form of love. And she could never forget how Any had always been there with her. 

Last scene, Chaani became a journalist and also became capable to afford anything she wanted on her own without expecting any man to do that for her. 


In a way, the movie was inspiring. But also but weird. Like, I wouldn't have been able to forgive Any for she ultimately didn't believe Chaani when she should have. 

Also, I found it weird when each time the guy and Chaani faced each other, in the face they were fighting but in the background there was intense romantic music being played. I understand it was to showcase that the passion was intense between them. That though their connection was strong but the guy was caught in his dishonest situation and Chaani could never betray her friend. 

It just weireded me out. For on the face they were being extreamly mean to each other. Yet the ironical music seemed extreamly contrasting. A kind of Toxic Love! 


I got happy though that they celebrated the relationship of friendship and tried to make a woman independent instead of it being a fairy tail ending of having a guy and happily ever after.... 

Yet the way it was shown it movie, it seemed as if, after that kind of intense chemistry with someone, how would she ever fall in love? 

Or if she doesn't go back to that guy, it would actually be impossible to retain the friendship - no matter how much understand Amy may have for her. 

And though Chaani was a bubbly girl, even good friends with Amy's brother - but she totally deserved more than that.. 

And so, it was good to leave it all open ended with her being single and independent. Back with her friend. But the same friend didn't batter and eye when it came to her competing for her love or his reputation. 


I feel, if there is friendship, then there should be blind trust. And the friendship too should be that strong that come what may, it never gets hampered. 

Imagine, spending your entire childhood to teenage and still a third person has a scope to come between two friends. How? Why? 

And that, when Chaani was such devoted a friend... And so was Amy before the guy came in equation! .


I found Amy's friendship selfish in a way. Chaani though underwent a character development in the movie. For initially all she wanted was to marry rich. Later all she wanted was to become and stay rich on her own.. 


One line that I liked there was 'I would show them, what it means to be priceless'. And she meant herself. 

That was the answer to the beginning plot where she had learned initially that everything has a price and therefore had decided to be filthy expensive for society. Later her experiences, turned her into realising her own worth which was priceless... 


Regardless of what she said, her actions though were through out full of integrity. 


Another line I liked there was when she finally realised that all this while she was holding the hand of her own 11 year old version who has such shallow ambitions.. and finally she felt grown up for now she had changed and so had her principles and goals and idea of self! 


9:47

We have superb semi frozen mango shake alongside today! It's just yum! So, wanna listen to some music. It's our second last night together after all! Let's play something. The weather too is fine. 


Delicious drink, music to sing, wind to sooth, peace in my soul! 


Each song seems to be calling me somewhere. Ha ha! I don't even know where and to whom! 


'Bahaut aayi gayi yadein 

Magar is baar tumhi aana 

Iraade fir se jaane ke 

Nahin laana

Tumhi aana'


The hero of the movie though left a romantic imprint somehow. Even if he was super toxic and weak spined! Anyone who lacks courage to be honest earns no respect from me. And if you can't respect someone, you can't love that person.. 


I though admired his love. Only love can make you so obsessed that you be willing to leave all artificialities, and wear all pains with joy! To experience that kind of love for anyone with or without reciprocation - is in itself a blessing from heaven. For in those emotions you think and love someone other than yourself or trivial benefits... And that selflessness, that level of obsession, that drowning, that passion - that is just another level of emotions! I have been there. 

Only in terms of love. Nothing else! I always had courage to stand firm to my decisions! 


'Dik chahta hai tujhe btana hai

Haan tere saath hi mera thikana hai'


This morning I heard a great video about Sigma females and it resonated and inspired at the same time. About how Sigma females though tend to love a lot, yet if someone doesn't value their love enough; they don't waste their time in proving their love or feel devalued. That their self esteem doesn't get impacted by the reciprocation or not by any other. They be devoted to their own arts and passions. Each set back becomes a fuel to them to create again. Each pain turns to art - may it be something they create or may it be themselves that evolves and gets recreated into better and powerful versions of themselves. That if anyone avoids a Sigma female, she simply marks her exit graciously, leaving the other to realise what he missed and giving him or her a chance to work upon themselves to be better. And meanwhile the signa females keeps on rising up. Each time popping back up better, more evolved, more creative... As her arts turn into master pieces and so does she. She works silently and let's her actions and rewards do the speaking for her. It's the fulfillment she gets in her work that becomes her rewards. She is never greedy or shallow for societal materials or petty revenges. Instead she focuses on enhancing her knowledge and living life in its real sense... Allowing the life and time to take its course .. and hence only way is Up for her. For she remains persistent in her efforts disregarding others' opinions or judgements or pestering or expectations. She has her own rules and expectations from herself and she stand true to only them. 


10:02

'Na shakhs mai

Na shaksiyat

Barson se hoon 

Benaam sa

Banjaron sa

Firta hun mai 

Ban ja na tu 

Ghar ka pata'


Oh, a guy randomly texted me last night. He is just a Facebook friend but we have had long conversations in past. All I remember is that he is pursuing PhD in something from forever! Ha ha! He is a nice person though. So yesterday all of sudden he was curious about my marriage plans and tried to inspire me for the same... And when I told him that I don't want to lose myself in the process for any relation demands compromises of all kinds... He said something adorable. He said, 'You can't get lost in any relation. Instead you have the power to bring back the lost souls back to their senses, back to love!'

Something around those lines. It pleased me. 

I teased him asking if he was interested. He laughed and said, 'Who won't be?' 


Past one month, more than a few friends have checked with me about my marriage plans.. it's crazy... I - don't even step out of my room these days.  I - who feels strangled by my own thoughts and timelines these days... I - who has almost forgotten what it means to be sensuous or feel any romantic emotions... I am being asked for marriage... Lol .. 

Its true! When you really don't want something, it comes on its own to you. I just don't want that to happen to my dreams. For when I lose interest in something, I really lose my interest. And then there is no turning back! 


Marriage - huh! I really don't see myself there. Not like I can't have it as that reader said. I know if I enter any such relation, I would Ace it. Only thing I lacked in when it comes to domesticity was cooking and now I am quite good even there... It's not that. I just don't want all this. Relations are too exhausting. All these faces that one has to keep. And I just don't see myself raising kids or getting into mundane life. It never seemed fulfilling to me. It never tempts me. It is simply not me. 


I would love to have love in my life though. That too if that would give me my space to be myself. Anything else is beyond me. Atleast right now. I have so much to do. So many dreams. 


And though in past years, I have realised that I have been thirsty for real connections..And given a choice, I always choose genuine emotions and caring people over any parties or outings and get willing to sacrifice all external joys just to have those connections... 


But then, later, I always always regret it. My dreams don't fail me. People always scar me. And I am not scared of pain. I have been handling it quite well. Always learning from them. But I would want to do way more in life than simply acquiring more karmas with people. 


Either it be all 24 carot or nothing at all. 


'Just gonna stand there 

Nd watch me burn

That's all right 

Because I like the way it hurts'


No, I don't like any way it hurts. Yet pain is crucial I guess for spiritual growth and for correct life path. I am getting more and more thankful these days. Even to the people who wrong me. For each person stolen from me was never mine. Each thing or life robbed off me has no more purpose in my life. 

And anyone manipulating people around me is rather helping me get rid of all those incapable connections...and is rather helping me become more and more independent. Something they can never be. For they need to manipulate. And though on the face of it - it hurts, for I lose. But truly, I feel more and more free. Lesser the connections, lesser accountable I be to anyone... Lesser that I have to take care of other people's feelings or reactions! 

I don't have to flatter any one.. I don't have to listen to anyone. 

It's Freedom that has always been my life purpose. It's Freedom that I get from all these situations. 


So I am thankful for each and every situation or connection exiting my life... Or no more connected to me... Or taken from me ... For something better awaits me... Someone better awaits me... 

I deserve 100 percent loyalty. I deserve honesty. I deserve growth. I deserve genuine connections who love and respect me for who I am. I deserve people who neither manipulate me nor others around me. I deserve unconditional love. 


I have been enough of Ashiq. I now wish to be so epic and drowned in my own life that instead people become ashiq for me. I am done getting obsessed with others. Now it is time to live and live myself.


And who can love better than my own self. I cross all limits when I care for someone. I do so much for those I love. What won't I deserve for myself. I should be my most precious love .. 


I used to believe in traditional way of being. That love is meant to be given. But it has to begin with self .. 


'Aaja Milne abhi

Sansein thamne lagin 

Aake mujh ko tu jeena sikha de

Tujh se mil ke abhi 

Kaafi arsa hua

Mujh ko bahon mei bhar le... 

Saanware aai jaiyo... 

Saanwre... 

Jamuna kinare Mora gaanv.. 

Baithi hun janpte tero naam'


Aah! How I wanted to visit yamuna Bank some morning in this month. And I didn't go anywhere at all. Well, this inner journey was necessary I guess. 

I also feel stronger health wise. And rest all would surely get healed moment I would step out, that too I know. 

Kalaath's water would heal me. Mountain air would refill me with life... Miss my Old Manali. Miss my Manalsu! 


10:27

Mango shake is just so nurturing. Feels refreshing! 


Alright my love! Catch you tomorrow. 


Loads of love...

Mmmuuah! 


......


April 30, 2024

Delhi

9 PM


Hey love! Just a minute... Just let me go upstairs and we will talk then... I woke just 45 minutes ago... Had a bath and everything and so here we are. Everything is done.... Just let me reach our spot.. Time please .. 


9:06

Yo! We are at our spot... I can't tell you how much I slept today... My lower back is hurting... And I was dead asleep for many hours, God knows why! My eyes are all swollen now... Ha ha! 


Cool yo! So it's last day of our meet haan! I had fully decided to take a 9 O' clock cab tonight and surprise you by interacting from the cab itself to Manali. But the cab got cancelled. Also, I was excessively sleepy. And I still didn't pack... Each time I decide to go anywhere these days, I get more stressed than excited! 


Epona just shocked the hell out of me by jumping suddenly from the wall behind - right by my side. Uff! I got so so startled that I shriked and now she is amused and meowing her tummy out pretending as if she did nothing. Mischievous! I like it. Just my body is still shocked. So are my senses... 


There's a reason why I have become all this concious about my health though... I have become extreamly week that too suddenly. My body blweight is fine but fat all over the body has fuck reduced. Including the parts where it should be and always had been abundant.... And my skin has thinned out... And I have got weird blisters and rashes and patches here and there. . and I feel tired so soon by doing absolutely nothing .  Also, every now and then I feel as if even my skull is shrinking from places, not just my boobs and hips... And I have suddenly got stretch marks every where... It's all weird .m Had it all happened naturally or had I been aged, I would have accepted it.... But this is just sudden and that's why weird and therefore difficult to digest. Something happens to me at home. Each time I come back, I get engripped by random weird diseases and moment I step out, I get alright. Last time, it was IBS. This time it is all this. But then I can also say that outside it is easier to avoid a disease for I hardly have full length mirrors and am mostly busy. And at home I have all the time of the world and finally some attention for myself... 


I am sure, I will get better the moment I will go out.. Epona left when she didn't get my attention... Last evening also she had done the same. I do love her but I don't want her to get used to me. Also, she would have to wait while we meet. I can't give her all my time. And she took a shit right upon this terrace knowing fully well that I sit over here. I just can't accept disrespect. 


There are other things too happening to me. Like shortness of breath. I feel as if my nose is always blocked and I don't really have cold or cough. And my feet have become weirdly tanned leaving the mark of my slipper - ever since I went to Maharashtra from Goa on a bike and couldn't handle the heat over or the sudden temprature change there. 


I am really sensitive to sun. I don't mind winters, but extream Sun is something I just can't handle. Not made for summers. I read today that my feet's condition can be a result of exposure to UV radiations. Add on to that there are thousands of mosquito bites all over my feet. And my skin gets dry all over and I feel thirsty all the time. 

These can be diabetes symptoms also as per Google. Uff! But yeah! I know I don't have any such diseases. I just have to go to a place healthier for my mind, body and soul. I always find Delhi's aur difficult to breath in - ever since I have begun to live in cleaner air rest of the air. 

And in Himachal it will be so cold that I would have to wear socks. That may help in removing al this weird tan. 


So yeah! Have shared all my bodily concerns... I know you would heal them. That is the main reason I had been sharing so much about my traumas, fears, pains... So that I release them and you heal them. 


All these symptoms are unrelated. I don't know if I should go to a dermatologist or a nutrition specialist. 

Oh, and my hunger has reduced substantially. I just don't feel hungry anymore. But I often feel extremely thirsty all the time. 


All of these can be Ascension symptoms as well. I read and heard at multiple places that these features pop up when one is evolving spiritually. I don't know how much can I evolve when I have so many dark thoughts... Or overactive mind... 


For that, I landed up with only reasoning of Mercury Retrograde. This one specifically made earth signs go back to their past and heal their childhood traumas to be free of them and move on with a clearer confident head and heart space. 

Mercury has gone direct finally. But we still are in the shadow side. 

To imagine, I dated time during a Mercury retrograde... The time when communication and technology takes a toll and I being an earth sign with Mercury as a ruler planet had to get impacted by it all. The more attuned you are with the universe, the more sensitive you become. But that is what gives you strength or ways to overpower any such traces and rather use them for your own growth and advantage. 


Though these days, a lot many things seem useless to me. I do have an understanding and faith in various things like God, Science, Cosmology, celestial energies, spirituality, astrology, energetic impacts, occult science, tantra... etc. etc... but yeah, these days, often that I find myself escaping even all those understandings and simply letting the thoughts take their course... As if you set fire to a fully written sheet of paper and see it burning bit by bit, until it is reduced to a burnt figment of nail sized paper without any word written or line drawn upon it. It just turns to Ash and vanishes in thin air.  .

I am allowing the churning to happen and all those good or bad thoughts and emotions run their course... Like a lunatic crazy to be heard and finally you give the person an ear without really absorbing it all but taking the points that matter and removing the gibber gabber, yet hearing it all for the lunatic to feel heard. 

For the lunch is the result of feeling not seen it not heard. For all those unexpressed emotions. 


Ironically, I heard a comedy show this morning where a guy said that women and men are raised differently. That women need to express emotions and men on the other hand are raised to repress them all. And that it would be weird to see a man expressing or a woman repressing. But I disagree. I as a woman repress as well. And I respect men who express - not overtly so but interact. The comedian made a patriarchal joke that if a guy would express he would best the hell out of other. I judge such statements. Anybody can express their anger with destroying things or ambushing people. For the anger is not dependent upon your physical strength or the strength of the other. In anger one just flows and likewise with all other emotions at peak. It is to control your emotions and let them out in the correct way - that is a sign of maturity... Regardless of sex or gender. 


9:46

And Epona just came for her pamper. And then left. It was a brief meet. Good for her. I won't be here tomorrow onwards. Tonight I would pack for sure. No matter how week do I feel. Come what may, I will leave tomorrow. 


Though my Tarot readings gave me mixed signs. One said, that I don't need to be scared of anything. That everything is happening for my best. That even the cancellation of plans was divine protecting me of dangers that I didn't know.

Another reading said that taking a trip right now may not be the best but after few days it would be extremely beneficial. 

Another said that it is high time that I take an action. Honestly the only action I know to take is to just go to a new place. For my mind fails to function well at home regardless of resources or comforts.

While another readung said that I know deep within if going to a known place would be beneficial for me in the longer run or not. For I should not allow myself to be struck in the same loop.

Manali though feels the most home to me and I always feel sad to leave it.. but to be honest, I haven't really been very succesful over there in past. Also I feel more lonely over there for now I just fail to connect with the new kind of crowd which is extremely selfish and materialistic. 

Another reading said that no matter which direction I choose, it would take me to destined surprise. 

I also feel that I until I don't step out, how would anything happen. It's been long staying within four walls. I have to step out. 

Am hoping to do more gigs and tarot readings there. Wishing for a home over there this time. Hoping to write yet another book there. Hoping to connect with right people to get both my previous books published there. 


But I am also a bit scared to carry my laptop for it is mostly damp there and people can't be trusted. Yet I have to trust to grow in my life. And material shouldn't be my concern. 

And last time when I was in Old Manali, I had totally decided to get my lapi the next time - so as to be productive where my mind is at most ease and I have lot of creative time. 

It always bothers me to go to another place and figure out a place to stay. Specially when I have lot of luggage. I don't like carrying much luggage with me. But imagine a rugsack, a uke bag, a lapi bag and then a tiny side bag. It all seems too much. I would be taking a cab nonetheless but still, to add on house hunting above it - is what is tiring me already to be honest. 

I have a choice to go to the last palce I stayed at. A local home. But I don't want to live there. It was full of damp walls and bugs from a cow tied beside always used to enter inside room. Such dampness is not good for health or gadgets both. 

I wish to live in a better room this time. And that takes time. One way is to just go that house directly and take it for a few days and find a better room for myself eventually. But I just don't want to go there. Another way is to stay with a friend the first day. But I don't want to do that also. My space is crucial for me. And nobody seems that own. 


Whenever I get struck like that, instead of seeking outside, I look for the solution deep within. My intuition then points out to a certain spot. And usually it just works magically for always that I get that place in way better a deal. So I have a spot that has room, kitchen and also a verranda. No idea about the price. But to go directly with all the stuff just on a hunch would be an adventure. Well! Here's to hoping! 


10:01

So wanna listen to some music? Let's! 


'Phir le aya Dil majboor 

Kya keejiye

Raas na aaya rehna door 

Kya keejiye

Dil keh rha hai 

Usey mukammal 

Kar bhi aao 

Wo jo adhoori si baat baaki hai

Wo jo adhoori si yaad baaki hai'


You know, I really love my mom a lot. And that's why it gets so difficult to leave home each time. And it hurts me all the more with how I treat her or how she treats me. For I know she too loves me a lot. An Ocean of love for each other yet no idea how to handle that love. And we only hurt each other in ways no body else can. That's why it's probably better to stay apart. When I am far I miss her. When am here, I don't even look at her. For I get reminded of all the ways she hurt me. At times I feel so overwhelmed finding her innocent and wishing to protect her and love - the way I felt throughout my life. But at times I get disgusted with it all for always remained a victim and maybe that's why I feel more masculine in my conduct for I always tried to love her or protect her as a man should. She is my first love and biggest heartbreak. 


And no matter how much I try, I can never not love her. I love her too much for that. But the child inside can never forget all the injustice and descrimination as well. Maybe that's what I am born to learn - unconditional love -- regardless of others' actions/reciprocation/deeds! 

Maybe she too has the same concerns. For each does his or her best. Specially a mother. Am sure she did what she knew best in past. And she still tries. But people can't change until they realise or accept their mistakes. And I feel it won't change anything even if she changes now. For my childhood is gone. So has my teenage. And I should focus upon my own life now regardless of who treated me how. 


'Kahin to hogi wo

Duniya jahan tu mere saath hai

Jahan mai 

Jahan tu 

Aur jahaan 

Bas tere mere jazbaat hain'


The song reminds me of Manku. Once years back, he was performing on stage singing this song...and I was dancing in the space in front of the stage. And I had taken a picture with him in the background and I dancing in front. The picture had the same song's line as caption. 


All I have is gratitude even for him. For thanks to him that I could feel love at that level and depth. Regardless of his treatment or reciprocation... 


Love has always been inside me. It had nothing to do with others. Ofcourse their energy and maybe our past life connections. How they treated me was their best behaviour. How I loved them was my best. That's about it. 


Connections are never an exchange and should not even become so. Until you enter relations. Then some kind of equality I guess is essential. 


Everybody is startling me today. First the cat now a mosquito suddenly in my ear. Uff! I am really extremely annoyed with mosquitos here in Delhi. Was never a fan of them. But they never used to buy me as much earlier. This time, they are just behind my life. It's just annoying. 


I had met with a strange back in Goa. We had spent an entire night on beach talking about supernatural things. There his face changed so many forms that it was scary to look at him. I thought it was because it was dark. The next morning we took a walk and all sorts of animals and creatures accompanied us wherever we went. And ever since I too attract not just people but even these bugs everywhere I go. It was ants in Goa. It's mosquitos in Delhi. What if I meet with leapord in Manali? Ha ha. I hope not. 


'Itni mohabbat Karo na

Mai doob na jaaun kahin 

Wapis kinare pe aana 

Mai bhool na jaun kahin 

Dekha jab se hai chehra tera

Mai to hafton se soya nahin

Bol do na Zara 

Dil mei Jo hai chipa 

Mai kisi se kahunga nahin'


That guy was really sweet. I was attracted to his energy the first day we met. It was thanks to him that I could sing so well for there was such immense adoration in his eyes that my confidence was another level.  But later he seemed like a flatterer living upon others' expenses by boosting their egos and getting into all kinds of politics and gossips. And such behaviour really abhors me. Though it was smart for him. But yeah, it all seems short termed to me. Like you can fool someone for a season but it's never a long term relation and what about your life and integrity? Same like a girl hooking up with a guy for small term material benefits. I don't respect such conduct may it be a girl or a boy. He was a boy not a man for sure. 

So that's why, even if I had liked his energy but I had not liked his way of getting his lifestyle. There was no integrity there. And I therefore ensured a distance post that. 

Though our conversations were seriously otherworldly and so was his energy. He sure was a charmer. But I know better than getting charmed with empty words. I also noticed the actions and way one lives or how one lives. The medium too is as crucial as the end result. 


Oh, btw, I went through my Goa's diary today. And found out three pages where I had summarised a book I had read there. It was called 'Manual of a warrior of light'. Here, you too learn something. Ha ha...









So epic know! The book had inspired me immensely even then..

'Paulo Coelho' is yet another favourite author of mine. 


'Zara Zara behekta hai 

Aaj to Mera tab badan 

Mai pyaasi hun 

Mujhe bhar le 

Apni bahon mein'


It's after along time am listening to this one. 


10:33

'Bahon ke darmiyan 

Do pyaar mil rhe hain 

Jaane kya bole man

Bole tan, ye badan 

Dhadkan bani zubaan'


Ha ha! Spotify is on MD today it seems! Uff! 


If this is where we part my love then may you be happy and loved wherever you be. 


The other day I saw some advertisement... It was focussing upon the significance of number nine. Thatnthere are nine planets... And 108 beads of roasy add on to 9.. and numerous other things. Nine is a celestial magical number after all...

The entire month my Intuiton was sky rocketing for sure. My dreams were otherworldly. Just yesterday I had a dream where I was flying differently from rest of my flying dreams. It was a lot of churning. A journey deep with in. You helped me cleanse a lot of traumas. I could meet with my past self and heal her in a way. I could reflect upon patterns of my life and understand what not to do in future. I learned a lot from various books and movies. And though I nagged and bickered a lot but I know that it was all crucial in my growth. 

And even health wise, though I am weak but it's the slimmest I have ever been. My waist is super slim. And so are my arms. Though my boobs shrinked but they are no more sagging but are uptight like ai am sweet sixteen. Ha ha! 

I could see at all my relations and forgive the past to move ahead with a clearer mind and heart by accepting reality for what it is. I got more empathy for I could even understand the other's perspective whether I agreed with it or not. We had Navratris during our sessions. And that massive conjunction of five planets. Even with a Mercury retrograde. Glad I was safe and protected and nurtured. Thankful that I had a place where I didn't need to to think about each day's rent or each meal's source but I could just be and reflect. And when I needed my space, I could simply bolt my room and be in my own energy. Though it was suffocating at times yet crucial to take a paise and cleanse myself of all unnecessary energies or thoughts.. to build a new life with a clean slate. I could vent out so much. I could imagine so much. I could manifest so much. 


Thank you for everything. 

Loads of love! 

Tomorrow I would be on my way to Manali. Help me be the best version of myself. Take away my traumas or diseases. Help me heal. Help me become what I am meant to become. Give a platform to my skills and talents and make them thrive. Make me so busy and dedicated to my arts and life that I have no time to overthink or get struck in any negative thoughts pattern.... Help me be alive again. 

Can't wait to take sulphur dips. Can't wait to sing by my Manalsu. Can't wait to go to a place where I feel I belong. Can't wait to begin my life with a new perspective. 


Meanwhile, want to thank you. In this Now. You are my everything. My biggest confederate. My consistant friend. My vision board. For my traumas a black hole. And we would come out as a new star. 

I almost forgot, we even had the biggest solar eclipse in our sessions. A lot many cosmic events happened. A lot much churning happened. And now I am ready to move to my next chapter. 


Loads of love! 

Farewell my love! 


A last kiss. A last snuggle. A cosy comfort of a hug. A long lasting glare into your starry eyes. 


Love you! Bye bye! 

Mmmmmuuuaah.


.