DILLI 2

1 sep, 2018

Hey 2 AM,

Right now, just don't say anything. Right now, just keep dancing. Eyes locked into each other - with the cloudy moon. Right now just keep dancing.
How does it feel to be one with music, with night, with dance, me?
It's our first meeting but trust me.... I have been eagerly waiting for it.

'Is lamhe Kya kar jaun'

But then, I had wished us to meet in a new city. A new state maybe. Traveler that I am, choosing the right spot for specific experiences is essential for me. But am also an artist. I can create for I have imagination. And I have gratitude for us to meet, despite of the situations.
For an entire month we gonna be together dear 2. You gonna be there on my head and heart for next 30 days. And it won't be me but the two of us. Maybe 3 for your name is 2.
But know it that I already love you. For I have so seeked you that we have to make it amazing. Rather, it surely will be amazing. For this connection is different. It has taken it's own twists and turns to reach where it is right now.
I am in a positive state of mind for I have just returned from Manali after 2 months of insane crazy artistic time amidst nature and friends. I think I can deal with Delhi for a month. Or who knows I figure out a way to love it - for last time it still had a lot of waves left till the last day. Possibly that's what love or life is - a sea - with waves and shallow on all shores yet calm and deep in the middle. But then, any love is supposed to quench some thirst, bring out some emotions and fulfill some destination. Who knows why we are together and over here.

Boom Shankar!

'Tere waaste, Mera ishq sufiyana'.

As we met, a strange thought occurred to me. Say 1000 years from now,  say in 3018, will people wonder about it being the 3rd session? Do we even wonder about it being 2000 something for us. Did people in early 1000s wondered about them being the beginners and falling in 1ns?
It can't be a coincidence that 2 is recurrent here for me. You are special. Though I can connect more with 3 for that is my magic path number. Yet as per the birth date 2 is my number. You are lucky for me dear 2. You are indeed special.

Guess what, it is 2:20.
Already!

So I really really wanted to go to Arunachal or somewhere in Uttarakhand or maybe Goa or even Aurangabad for that matter. Anywhere but Delhi. Yet here we are. And as I am dancing below the moon along with you, I feel the importance of this very moment. How special is this - every fleeting second. I am happy, relaxed, well fed, in comfortable clothes, well loved, on terrace of my home.
Will I ever think of these moments in future - I sure will. Sometimes we tend to take it for granted - when everything is good and normal. I hope to have better times always though... But even then... They will be different.  Not these. And I am happy in the moment. So I value these. And I value you dear 2.
Last I met someone this close in Delhi was in 2016. 2 years ago. And it was your multiple. 4 AM. That was in October.
We are different know. More closer to spring. Apples are rich and ripe in Manali right now. Yet so many states are drenched with floods. It maybe the flood of emotions. Or who knows the time of major transformation. And I am here in Delhi - meeting you in a different world - like our very own bubble.
Last entire year I traveled all over India. I called it Pan India solo trip. And I was really proud of it. This March it got hampered suddenly for I met with an accident. Two of my bones got broken. I got angry with cosmos and travel then. But travel wasn't angry with me still. And cosmos never failed to love me.
2 months of Delhi and my family took me to Laddakh and from there I got my Mystical Wanderer self back. Not by the experience of trip but by how it shouldn't have been. Or maybe the love for the mountains pulled me to Manali again. That's my soul's home you see. It always boosts my spirit back. In crux I have returned from my soul's home to my body's home. And I am quite in a mood to materialize my ideas now. Virgo that I am. Earth wombs the seeds and make them trees. I have so many dreams. Guess, Delhi can make them possible.
If nothing else, Delhi has my home. And my family means a lot to me. For though I feel everyone is mine. World is home. Yet, home is home. And family is family. None can love like they do. None stays like they do. So I value you even more. For we are all coexisting in this timeline - the people I love, the motherland, the new skills, the ideas, the will.

Right now, there is a mild breeze with leaves whispering and the moon is peeping through clouds - highlighting and sillhoueting - making it all a completely new world - just like my inner call.
Few days ago I read Haruki Murakami's novel 'Kafka on the shore'. There was a scene in it where the alter ego of protagonist boy tells him to close his eyes and imagine storm till it became so real inside his head that he was about to choke with dust and wind. Yet he survived it. The
voice told him, if he could survive that storm, he could survive anything in the real life journey he was about to set foot for.
The entire journey is more or less parallel between his journey in the outside world and his journey within including forgiving people and charting out himself an an individual.
Even a branch of Buddhism says, 'whatever is inside is reflected outside'.
Or the famous line, 'I think, therefore I am'.
So yes, we are. And we will be. Happy. Content. Productive. Creative. Like trees.
I was watching Mahabharata just this evening. A character in it River Ganga says, 'Past wombs every future'.
We are here - in the present. I still have to figure out the connection between past and future to focus on. Maybe 'present' is the key. Surely it is.
Let's listen to music now. Let's just silently be one. After all it's but our first meeting - but a beautiful one. Thank you for happening in my life. I have so much to share. So much to be thankful for. So much to ask.
Also I have so many waves to be calmed and a deep calm to fill your soul with love and warmth.
Lots of love.
See you tomorrow.
'Afreen Afreen'

............................................

2 Sep, 2018

Hey 2 AM.

Hope you are happy. For I am not in my best spirit. Yet I can see a goldish moon bright amidst clouds and that is making me happy. I am more in a mood to go down in my room and meet you. Maybe we'll go downstairs in some time. For now, let me just feel you. For I did think of us couple of times the entire day.
It's 2:02. Also, it's 2nd today. You are all over around me right on the second day of our meet. Of course, you are in my charts after all. Today in Mahabharata, Devratt (Ganga's son) said, nothing is ever wrong in our charts or destiny. Also no two fates cut each other. That way, there can only be one and only one way of a certain thing happening in any future. However all I have ever learned till now is that future is a set of possibilities and it depends upon the choices we make.
So I don't exactly know how true his statement about destiny can be taken for he himself in the very next scene takes a strange vow of never getting married or having any kids to take over his kingship as a sacrifice for some lady whom his father loves. Guess what, there was thunder as if something extraordinary and cosmic has happened and all Gods blessed him for his choice. Didn't he change his own fate?
I don't know. But of course it is fiction. But it seemed contradictory to me - both the situations though they were in the same scene.
I just thought of getting up and going down because of mosquitoes that a breezy wisp tried to stop me. It was so fucking dead wind wise till now. Also it was humid. And here you are with all these romantic windy waves.
How do you do this - the magic?
Maybe I should go down for am only thinking of that. But the entire day I have been inside that too alone. It is strange for I travel the entire country solo and don't feel as alone as I do in Delhi. And not that I don't try. I call, reach out. Just that people are super duper busy or selfish. Or maybe fault is in me. Say I don't nurture my connections with my presence everyday or constantly. But I do love them all. I be with them in all ups and downs. At least I try to. I don't know why I am in this complaining mood today. Even my FB post was a ranting today about same. And I never be negative on social media for I don't like promoting negativity. However awareness is another thing.
Anyway, my life sucks here in Delhi or so I sometimes feel. However, every time that I pass by a road and see those people sleeping amidst mosquitoes without proper clothes - I imagine their life and immediately feel lucky to be wherever I am. But life is not about primary needs only know. My problem is secondary. Thanks to my family, karma and cosmos the primary needs don't bother. It is psychological chaos, career crises, social realizations, sometimes expectations, other times desires - all these things affect me.
It is 2:20.
You are special. Very. None else can change the topic and bring me out of a trip like you just did.
I made dinner at home after years today. Felt good. Also momcy didn't judge it initially, rather loved it later - also overate in taste - and that felt like an achievement.
This time in Manali I learned da new art - jewellery making with wax threads. I have gone crazy for the same ever since I made the first anklets with my own fingers. Coming back to Delhi was also an exciting venture for that gave me a chance to go to Old Delhi market - explore that side of my own city and get the raw material on my own.
Just today that I made 3 anklets. One I am still working on. I am going crazy over pearls, beads, threads, designs.
Sometimes even I doubt my own age. For people leave art in school. But one can still find brushes, sketch pens, colored pens, papers, acrylics, craft material etc... And I keep experimenting with new art forms. Still love to dance.
Iean not like elders don't do all this bit then they do it properly and professionally. I do them for art. For they just flow. For I can't or don't want to stop myself.
Yet, society - it demands many other things. We are not in monarchy anymore that art and artists will be taken care of or valued enough by society. Each has to make his/her own space and art or talent is not enough. You need marketing, finance, contacts, good fate, right energy, politics and even things like flattery along with talent. Merely skill or talent is not enough. But mere other things can still make you famous.
Yet, real artists are valued by those who understand the auntnenticity and beauty of it. Reaching to the right sector is essential. That can be worked out - specially in this globalized technical world. I don't know why it doesn't for me. But I am gonna make it work.
Ok... Let's go down. I don't know what has happened to these mosquitos today. They never used to bite me but today I seem to be the talk of their town, kind of mutton treat or something.
Half Moon has a reflection of half Moon shaped cloud right behind it. It looks so beautiful.
Am in my room. It's the first time we are meeting
here. There is a red light lit in my room and lots of beads seggregated and spread on my bed to be further jewelled into various forms. Mom and I categorized them as per their color or texture. I loved that one hour for after two lonely days that I was talking to someone and to her whom I love the most in the world.
By the way, today is 'Thadri' - a Sindhi festival in which we eat cold food made a day ago. The entire coming day we'll have only what we made this night or what came from Nani's place. It also represents Change of season I guess.
This time my birthday passed so smoothly. Every year I used to make it special with new travel destinations. This time it was amidst loved ones - exactly where I wanted.... Yet I don't know why.... Happiness always remains incomplete... Either there is nature and freedom. Or there is pure love and connections. But I can be myself at all other times. Special occasions I still feel should be spent along with your loved ones - for they fill life in it - no matter for whichever duration of time. It may happen in the last one hour of your birthday. Yet, it will be heart felt and efforts will be true.

I kept on cribbing know - even in front of you today. But you see, I couldn't have loved in make belief. Being honest is the point of our meeting. Isn't it.

It may sound ironic...yet wanna dedicate this one...

'Sapno ka jahan hoga khila khila
Barsega sawan
Jhoom jhoom ke
Do Dil aise milenge
Aaogey jab
Tum o saajana'..

Lots of love for you dear 2.

.....................................

3rd Sep

Hey 2 AM

It's a kick-ass weather. My evening went full on with a number of new people who were friends of a school's senior. And I finished a neck piece. Working on another one. This one is multi colored.
Right now having a coffee on terrace with a lovely song playing in my ears and heart.
I am missing north campus. Probably I will go there day after - on Tuesday.
Now I also must take action about getting my books published. Once I get the first one out, I have three more waiting. Don't know when the launching time will happen.
I got to spend some nice time with Momsha finally at night. We played music and did our own work.... Yet the connection was beautiful and I cherished every ounce of it.
2:04 both past and present are aligned in this moment - magnified with zero. Let's dance dear 2.
When I make jewellery, uniformity comes out to be more beautiful - say a certain pattern. Likewise in music. Yet I love variations. More colors, more beads. More scales.
For I believe that every moment is different. I do maintain over all symmetry. Maintain the direction as well. But my heart's discourse makes it all unique and pretty. I like them more - those that become on their own. Same is the case with my paintings.
Weather is just perfect tonight. No wind though. But pleasent. Not at all hot. No mosquitoes as well today. Buy a cloudy sky and a bathed Earth.
As if love is in ample. Already expressed yet ready to be poured further.
No moon tonight though. Yet it's a likable night. I am missing Bangalore a bit today. My life there, the nights there, my love whom I met once there.
 Time keeps changing. I am trying to embrace Delhi now. I think this time even Delhi is trying a bit - at all levels. With travel bug a bit in background, I think I can focus a bit upon my career or a way of getting stronger in society in terms of resources.
I don't wanna depend upon anyone anymore. Rather I want to become so able that others can depend on me.
Off! The last sip of coffee - it was full of chocolate syrup. And one side of the sky is red already. Why do I crave for things at times when I can't have them. Why do I believe that magically they gonna appear. But often times they do come true as well. I don't know how.
I am so loving this jewellery making that it takes all my attention, energy and thoughts and helps me get diverted from any thoughts or things I don't want/have.
2:22
Wow! Just yesterday I wished  for this number to come to me. Today it's here. Amplified you.
I read somewhere yesterday that number 2 represents duality. Isn't it how you also came into my life dear 2. For I was pandaluming between going out or staying put.  But two also represents United efforts of two energies multiplying them into what they can on their own ever be. So here we are love - United with our own dualities.

Let's go downstairs. I always like it - when we switch in between. It brings a strange change in vibe. And one of my favorite songs is in background.
So am in my room with a red light, a comfy bed, good music and air conditioned. Aroma is fresh and nice. Mood is Sufi.
Fate I am realizing is a huge thing. More I am watching Mahabharata more it feels like we are nothing but pawns - characters in some story written way earlier. That there is nothing in our hands and everything is pre-destined.
When I was in Khajuraho, I once was chilling at 'chaunsath Devi mandir' - it is not visited by all but the vibes had pulled me there and I wanted to experience sunset there. There when there was none else but watchman of that temple that too outside. There where I was sitting behind even that temple between the wall of temple upon the slope of the plateau that opened towards a huge field - there I suddenly met with a Facebook friend for who it was a dream at some time to be able to meet me. Destiny had it. We had to meet. Rather my entire Pan India trip felt like that - sudden connections... Places called me. People met of their own. Like they were part of my dream. Like I knew them all from some other birth. As if it was written for me to go there and meet them.
In all the cars I hitch-hiked, people I healed, people who helped me with discounts and exchanges. Like I was in a movie and both a spectator and participant at the same time.
Don't you feel like it sometimes? Like the entire life is De ja vous - already imagined or written by someone - already known by your soul. And here in this life - performance is happening. Body like a flute playing the hollow self being winded by some unknown energy.
Who knows what's the next scene. This one is happy and content. Positive. And full of love.
Good night. Will meet tomorrow.
Love!
'Kaise btayein kyun tujhko chahein'


...................................................................................


4 Sep,2018

Yo 2 AM,
Such a drizzly, moony, cloudy moment.
Boom Shankar!
My spirits are high. To meet you is always a pleasure. I kind of prepare for our meet these days. Already!
The moon is shimmering a golden crescent smile to us.
It's double your day - 4 being your multiple.
2:02
Everyday that I see.
You are beautiful 2. And oh I am full of Hope these days. With constructive, creative, plausible dreams that I am quite determined to make possible.
Today, finally, these are my kind of moments. Perfect weather, mood, setting, feeling.
'Ab mujhe raat din, tumhara hi khyal hai'
Btw, it was janamashtami last night. Krishna's birthday. In my childhood I used to become Radha on this day and dance in temple festivals of my childhood. There was a theatre dance on same theme on one of my school's annual day celebration in Shah auditorium of Delhi. I was  Radha even then. We danced on
'ik Radha, ik Meera, dono ne shaam ko chaaha'.
When I was 9, I wrote. Bhajan dedicated to Krishna as Meera... It began with 'Kanha o kanha, Radha ka deewaana'...
But now I can connect more with Shiva energy. A lot actually. Though these are but names of the same energy. Yet. since my accident had happened in Balaji, I got kind of scared from Krishna energy. Then mom said, 'God, like parents - never really gets angry'..
I am not so religious though. More spiritual. More into nature and cosmos.
But the sanskaras and my ambience has already made me in a certain way. Anger, fear and guilt I guess are equally instilled as love, realization, observation, faith, being.
A bright moon with a nice drizzle - all are there in our picture my love. And mind and heart are both happy and totally aligned.
And I just saw a group of white birds flying in a NIKE sign in sky. They are called Chakor and with moon in background they glowed magically.
Let's Waltz my love - below this moon. Under the clouds.
'Tohe piya milenge'

Boom Shankar!
2:20.

Last entire night I made a new neck piece. It even has a designer middle that I tried for the first time.
2:22
I wanna make my family happy because of me. Also I wanna find a happy world - full of art, empathy, compassion, generosity. Full of colors, music, nature.
Why can't people just be happy? Why the expectations, disappointments? Why rigidities? Why can't it be all a free flow? Happy world - full of happy entities - cohabiting the universe together - in unison?
'jaane na Kahan wo duniya hai'

My phone is still not repaired. I have been literally surviving without a gadget for almost 20 days now. Not like I use it so extensively even otherwise. But I. A city, it becomes crucial to have a phone these days. Else even your neighbor won't know you are home. Life is so dependent on these gadgets these days. But even otherwise, say, for my art, I need the same technology - for world these days is a digital Mart. Better gadgets and technological accessibility you have, more you are successful. For then you are global. It's a substitute for intuitive powers that we have forgotten.
We have accessed vibrations again. Even if in the form of electricity. How amazing though it would be, to again connect to all just in mind or through soul.
Say I think of someone, close my eyes and there I can talk to the other just by consciousness.
In Mahabharata today, I saw a strange thing. Kunti was given a blessing to call any god and get anything. Also this thing I have been wondering about - say Mahabharata is a Hindu mythology written in India so for them entire Earth is just that land. For either there is God's land or underground world or on Earth - the kingdom of Main king - the beginning point of the story. I think all mythologies everywhere in the world begin with them as centers. For that's how limited anyone's vision can ever be - it will always be in with self as center. Even in my novel, though there are so many characters - but they are all different voices in my own head. Though entire world geographically is included but again - isn't it beginning with my point of view, my timeline, self being both the Creator and creation. Like Bhramma being his own father and son. Or am not sure. There is some story where Saraswati is Bhrama's daughter and oh, I am not sure. Will check with Mom.
Moon is kind of MS Painted by clouds. Rough spray of grey.
Btw, it rained insanely today. With thunder and lightening. Even on my birthday it had rained full on. But not this much. Seems Krishna also likes rain. Or Jal.
And I could finally see this beautiful moon and for this long.
As I am dancing, moon seems to be the see of sky with a misty eyelash.
'naina Tere kajrare Hain
Naino pe hum Dil haare Hain...
Barsega sawan jhoom jhoom ke'

Lots of love dear TU.
Sweet dreams.
Love you.


....................................................................


6th September,

2 AM, Dilli

Yo my love. How are you? So so sorry for not turning up last night. I had not slept for two days straight or more than that. So I passed out at 10 PM and woke up at 3 AM. You were obviously gone by that time. I missed you so the entire day
My jewellery making art is going on full on. That's why I had not slept the previous night. Was making a neck piece and an anklet both night and day. But it feels so so amazing - to knit something beautiful. To give birth to every new shape. In different patters. Loops in different numbers.
I have also been socializing. Meeting few old and their new friends. I am trying my level best to like Delhi. Even the weather is quite nice these days. So I am not really minding it. Instead I am hoping, believing, already in process of getting creative projects here. I so so hope I get my books published soon.
Traveler in me is still there though. Only the dream has broadened to rest of the world now. In my last similar blog I used to crave to go Pan India. Cosmos did bless me with fruitation of that dream. Now I wanna launch my arts. And then I wanna travel around the world. I know so many places are waiting for me. Also so many arts that I have to contribute with to the world. For I can't see any other reason to life as now but to give happiness, love, beauty and art to the world. And travel and appreciate whenever the right time comes.

Boom Shankar.

I am so craving for a good Mexican green cheese-burst pizza. Just that I don't wanna order and have it at home or anywhere else alone. For then it will be a food and I don't enjoy it as much. I have always shared that particular pizza in Bangalore with amazing company. Half the pizza with chocolate lava, a come and lot of music with good conversation.
I miss the same company sometimes. Good music. That level of warmth and comfort. Sharing same taste buds. The embrace. The apnapan. Innocence. Creativity. Art.
I miss Bangalore. Or I miss such bond. Or I don't know. Time goes on. I try to keep the pace. Travel has made me this strong. But the silly heart. How it loves to dive in nostalgia. Or always look back upon good old days.
No moon today. Grey sky. In my ears - Estas tonne. 'Internal flight', 'flight of Eagle'...A flood light in the park beside. Distant sillhouettes of things seeming to be human. My spirit. Us.
In Mahabharata today, Krishna got his birth to kill Kansa in his future. These people seem too evolved for me for they are full on into astrology. Past, present, future - all is not just pre-written and destined but also pre-recognized. And despite of all their effort, people can't change it. It's similar to some horror movies where once death was decided people had to die and only a slight change in the circle of events could change it. However in Mahabharata, nothing changes from the fate. They all just play the roles written - including even God's, people or demons.
Also, I have begun to read Mahabharata. I just realised I had a readable version in my own book collection. After years that in Manali I had picked a book again - that was Haruki Murakami's 'Kafka on the shore'. I enjoyed it. Mythology has always been interesting for me. Mahabharata though I never paid attention to for it had war and cunningness and lot many vices that I didn't want to put attention too. But it has a lot of worldly wisdom as well and I think one can really learn a lot from it in terms of practical living in a society with certain vices and energies all coexisting. Also my knowledge about my own religion and it's ideologies is getting better.
Rishi Vyasa had narrated it to Ganesha - the first time ever of this story. And Hastinapur's king married both Ganga and Yamuna at different times. How Ganga's son Devadatt or later Bheem could have changed the entire story had he stayed the king. How only a single greed in Yamuna's father sent ripples to cause an entire Mahabharata for the thought multiplied in upcoming generations. How Hindus believed primarily in Karma not birth while choosing their Kings initially. How vices control the better selves and lead to strange things bringing massive impact upon the entire world.
2:24
What numbers. You and you and both of you together. And We all. Crazy.
Listening to Let Rojas now. 'Spirit of the hawk'. I really love this musician. He plays flutes of various kinds. And his videos are full of nature with rain. Like he plays in rain. And the videos are so so picturesque and refreshing.  Full of life. The music always fills me with nature power. Takes me to forests, River sides, to the womb of mother Earth. To the slopes of peaks. To places totally off-beat.
Sometimes I can see lights lit in different rooms of different houses in the opposite society. Sometimes I like them - those yellow lights and wooden posh furnitures with different art pieces on different colored walls with Televisions blaring different colors in different rooms with sometimes few sillhouettes walking, talk
talking, being. Oftentimes though, they all seem mundane to me. Like this city life - with a certain routine. While I do value they all put in society. At their own cost, and at their valuable time's cost, they are contributing to society with products, services and functionality. Yet, I just can't fit in.    I am trying to. I have to curb down that judgement and opinion Everytime for I have to make my family feel good about me. For your success and respect in this society is quantifiable not with your happiness but with marks and childhood and money and designation as you grow up.
But also, because with that financial stability I guess I will be more free to be myself. For then I won't have any 'but'. Also I will be able to travel as I will will whenever, wherever. That is still possible but not always the way I would want it be or it can turn out to be. It will be more productive then. And money too I have realised is a kind of energy. People are relaxed around you if you take away this one constrain that can fuck connections and friendships. I would love to make  others happy even with this energy. It kills me sometimes when I wanna give something to someone from my heart and I realise I can only wish for him or her to have it and can't really afford to give it. Or the tiny wishes I kill of mine for I don't feel it right to have my luxury at the cost of others' hard work.
I don't know where I left all these material wishes in my journey. Even in my pan India trip my only aim was to travel. For eight month I went to so many states of India. I did get creative projects here and there but they were few and didn't pay very much. It takes time to go to an all together new state and find out work and also build trust and even get paid (India being the land of so much talent and jugaad). But only thing that kept me going was my dream to travel on. I even slept on roads sometimes. Shared dorms. Visited friends where I had them.
Survived on a cup of tea and two packets of glucose biscuits. But I didn't ask at my home. Neither I felt bad about any hardship. For travel was happening full on. Nature was blessing me with magical destinations. That was enough. I had left my home to even figure out my career as I was traveling. But then I met with an accident. This time, though my two months' stay in Manali taught me a new skill of jewelry making towards the end. But there is one thing I am realizing - it's a work of lot of effort. Eyes, hands, concentration, time. And it can't be used by many.  Like each is for each. As compared to videos that a single work gives happiness to many. For now it is giving me immense happiness and learning though. I will soon make an insta page for it and showcase all my work. I am waiting for my phone to get repaired. See, at moments like these I feel handicapped. I would have bought a new and better phone had I been financially stable. Now at this age, I don't wanna ask my family for a basic gadget. And I would have bought a good camera years ago and would have captured all my travel  in decent pixels. So much of effort was partially recorded - that too in my phone. Though I was still thankful. For in last two months I had lived with a broken phone totally unrecorded. So, whatever I have, am thankful. But that kind of stability does matter I have realised. Earlier I used to hate money. And judge people running for it. Money was never bad. It is but medium of exchange made for a fare transaction replacing barter system which was bit unfair. It is bit the intentions of people who have or don't have it. How they use it or wish to use it. How they make it. Money instead can equally be used for better purposes. For creation, healing, helping. If you have more, share it. If you have less, wait, and make it. But the value does change for it right - with the fact of having or not having it. But then I have seen people not having it - having larger hearts and people having it in ample, still craving for it. I think it is the value that we put to it that matters as well. If we change our attitude towards it. Use it like a medium and not it. Make it a road and not destination. Then things can be better in the world.
What do you think my love? Am I getting materialistic in Delhi? Will I be better being the hippie soul that I am - totally unconcerned with city issues and just heal the world with all my love?
Do tell me the right way. For I just don't it anymore. My heart has been taking me to places. Wanderer that I am. Manali was entirely an effort to learn stability. For so much is expected out of me. And parents are but creators. I love them.
I love you. Good night. You.
Or good morning.
See you tomorrow.


.................................................................


7th September, 2018

Hey my love. It's already 2:11. Luckily I woke up 3 minutes ago. Else I would have missed our meeting even today. Soon I guess we would have to stop our session for most probably I am leaving for Himachal like today. I had really wished to meet you outside Delhi this time. I don't know which emotion stopped me finally in Delhi. I don't know why am leaving as well.. maybe coz I can't handle it when I fail to get respect at my own home just because I don't earn or because I have been outside for long. For suddenly you can be told to fuck off and leave the home just because it is convenient for them to use you emotionally and make you a scape goat of their frustration by blaming you for anything or everything wrong with their life.
I don't even know where to go - for everywhere it is same kind of people.
I don't wanna bitch like them though. Delhi and specially my home pulls me down to a level where even I fail to recognize why I behave in a certain way - so toxic is staying over here. Like everything goes smooth ... Miss one brick and you are a fucking destroyer of the entire building. Lol... Insane. They couldn't handle relations of their own and all they can do is blame and blame others for their own inability. I hate it - when people are so dissatisfied despite of having everything. When they have such hollow ego to judge relations at the cost of income, status or exchange.  And a relationship that is based not on love but merits or utility is so so limited, shallow and short lived. I don't wanna have any such connection which lacks real love or changes with my corporate or social status.
Btw, I went to North campus the entire day. It was great. I could spend as much time outside as possible for that's how I always feel at home - escaping the drama and their selfish double faces. It rained so so much. I even captured a picture of lightening.
Though secretly wanna tell you something - I really did try being here with all my heart. My anguish with travel I guess is still not over. I haven't forgotten my accident so I no more crave to be anywhere. This time I was pretty dedicated to do something worthwhile. All I became was a lunatic wishing for my own death time and again. For I have people always talking about this shit emotionally harrasing me day and night 'main nahin rahungi tab dekhna'... How stupid can that be coming out of any mouth. And it is served often times for literally no reason at all. I won't want to make anyone feel like that or say like that. But can't help people who live in self pity mode. Some people are forever victims for that is how they survive in society - on melencholy. But I have been clearly told again and again that I am free to go from here. Who lives anywhere without respect. And specially with flip people who call you like they can't breath without you when you are far. But moment you come back they slap you hard and thrown you out once again. Crazy. I don't know where to go next though.
I wish I knew the right way. I can't even make jewellery at home anymore so much a particular neckpiece got hampered with just this morning. I left the piece all together. She always fucking kills my art and I hate it.
Some people can't ever be happy in your happiness for they are selfish to seek their own happiness in every ounce of color they see around.
Anyway... I don't wanna be so negative. I went to Manali to learn forgiveness. But they are helpless in front of their nature and so am I. They are completely materialistic feeding on Delhi's suck vibes day and again and they spread the same shitty fighting vibes yet live in an illusion of being so kind, gentle and helping for mankind. If you don't have empathy, respect or basic behavior sense, if you harass the world with so much emotional turmoil,how are you helping the world - I don't know.
After a conversation with a friend and since I have been reading Mahabharata, I could decipher but one meaning of all this in my life - even adversities have a reason to be there in life. I should rather be thankful to her because it is her bad behavior that may be is taking me towards my destined karma. Maybe I would have been satisfied and content and won't grow without her selfish Lamentations and abuses and torments. Maybe I should be thankful for all the emotional load often unloaded on kids by parents because only then they clear off the family karma. At least I am not showing it off like my brother having a double life. Rather I can just clear it in my own way.
I am cribbing again. Can't help. Got it in my blood. I don't know if we'll meet again or not, if we don't consider me like kunti who couldn't take care of her own son because of this judging society. Think of me as casual meet that touched your heart and left giving you all her love. Just wanna tell you - I tried. I really tried this time.
Love. Loads of love.
Just not feeling like talking anymore. One reason can also be that I didn't get a chance to go on terr
terrace tonight. I was pretty sleep deprived and we could meet today - that itself is a wonder for me.
Bye my love. Good night. Stay powerful and happy.


......................................................................................................................


8th September, 2018

The night is splendid tonight. was on terrace. Have just returned. These last few minutes are so difficult to pass, while I wait for you my love. I had a tough night, another fight with people I love. I know they love me so much atleast mom does that she wants me to be the best. she wants me to be successful. Just her wait has been too long and I have not really turned out to be her idol daughter. And my brother, I have like immense anger for him ... so much that I am unable to forgive him. Yet, I don't wanna discuss my family with you every night. Neither I want them to be a concern in my head. The non existent dad, the over concerned judgemental mom or the cunning brother. For Mahabharata says every character has a role in our life to make us a certain person. Also I love them. the only person I love the most in the world is my mom. Maybe that is why I get hurt the most by them. And they get the power to divert me to that level. I am in this constant split ever since I have returned to just escape the drama, depression, loneliness and wander in nature and begin again with zero outside or stay put and fight and build myself and prove myself. Yet I have no compition. Yet I want to be successful not just for them but also for myself. And not just happy from my soul but also socially, economically, intellectually, psychologically sorted. However I lose my peace alltogether in Delhi.
Mahabharata says, one shouldn't react immediately. That more a calm a person is in his reaction, more effective he will be. That he who is weak immediately reacts. Also when Arjuna and Karna came face to face for the first time, Dhuryodhan gave this amazing dialogue that words are weapons of the weak. that a true kshatriya responds better in action. May be I should just go to Mumbai, for I have a friend I can trust and who gives me space and warmth enoughfor me to be free and write. Even Goa is accessible from there and I can go sell my jewellery anytime. Also have an online platform for my art over there. Or else, I can be here, bear the situation, fight with all my head and heart by being calm about the situation yet working towards the solution. I can probably divert my mind by making myself dedicatd with all concentration to both jewellery making and telling you about my pan India trip experiences. You see, it was honestly a matter of pride for me - how my dreams came true. Yet, because of my accident , I returned more like a soldier who though lost his life in the war but came back to a country which didn't even recognize his efforts or valor. For all took it to be a mistake.

Dearest 2 AM..... Would you like to know my story? How I just picked my bag getting up from core depression on 16th August,2017 last year and left my place for Manali telling my family, ' I don't know where I am going and why am going. Also I don't know when I will return. But I have to go. I will be safe. and I will be in contact.' Saying so I had left with just 3500 rs. in my pocket. Middle of journey I realised mom had kept 4000 rs. in my bag. and that was the only money I began with. Morning itself was amazing in a govt. bus where the guy sitting beside inspired me to go to Spiti. I don't know if he visited it or not. but three days of my stay in Manali and I found myself riding a bus to Spiti.
Kaza a beautiful village with such kind hearted people. If I like himachali people the most in my country, I find people of Spiti like creme of it. They are totally untouched by vices. So helpful, so selfless. If anyone needs to learn humanity or one can just follow their example. Though there is hardly any vegetation in there. It's a cold desert. With rocky, sultry cliffs. But the people are hard working. and live a beautifully simple life. There in my dorm had I met a young boy - hardly 18..some foreigner. With him I hitched even in cement tempos and hiked to altitudes I had never expected myself before. It was quite an experience but there was hardly any communication or conversation. We were like two silent boats facing the same waves, moving in the same direction, supporting each other with some kind of presence, yet not close enough to communicate. We visited so many places. Hikkim - the world's oldest monastery, --------- - the world's highest post office, Key monastery with its spectacular sunset, Chichum bridge with it's newly constructed bridge, Kibber with its lovely kids and fields of green peas.
I left for Chandrataal solo deciding to hitchhike on my own. Never knew so less vehicles move from Kaza towards Manali. I got couple of hikes in trucks or local cars.. but they all took me to limited kilometers. I had to walk over all 35 kms that day. In Lossar the last village of Spiti, I met a cop at the road barrier. He stopped me for no reason and blamed me random names saying if I had strayed away from my home to marry somebody and shit. He asked for my ID. made me stop there for no reason. So furious I became that I left that place and began to walk on the way again. I kept walking further for 3 kms. It had turned dark by then and it was then that I got tears in my eyes. Maybe out of anger on the cop or I was tired. Suddenly a car came from opposite direction and told me that there wasn't any village for next 30 kms. I got shocked. Imagine I had to return to the same village in front of the same cop and also face the motherfucker's mocking smile. Sometimes I do wish for a man beside. A powerful one who can just punch assholes like these on their fucking face. Nonetheless, I got a cheap stay with a lovely view an a huge room and morning was trust me magical in Lossar. I had got greens after an entire week. A magical river in front with mounts of crazy shapes. I thanked cosmos. Had a hearty meal and moved towards Chandrataal - another magical place. So Chandrataal falls between Spiti and Lahaul. A moon shaped lake that reflects sky between mystical earthy mountains. One can just dissolve in the hypnotic beauty of the place. On my way back I got a direct lift from Chandrataal till Manali but it was the backside of a gypsy - say the place where luggage is kept. I though injured myself with the stove kept along while the car bumped on some road pimple.. but it was the experience of my life. For people either go closed in cars and buses or look at that beauty exposed in a bike while they also have to focus on the road and ride. But I was relaxed, lying in an open car with my feet dangling on the road running behind and all around me life had turned into a dream or a movie. For the mountains were running. The clouds were flying. River was just falling in a slope from the horizon to some place between my knees. Though the bumpy offroads and cold nearby Rotank pass could have made it an impossibility for someone else over there. But I just loved it. Every ounce of those moments got printed upon my soul.
Back in Manali I already had so many friends waiting whom I had met in the first four days of my trip and the trips before. A serious scene had happened even when I had reached Manali, That we can discuss tomorrow.
I would rather quickly grab a mug of coffee for then I can talk about something else. I want to express my love for you. For you are the only sane thing that happens to me these days. Let me get the mug. wait dear love.

So am back with cocco and munchies. Ha Ha... The hogging self is back!!! Sometimes, I amaze myself at the amount of food I can eat/ not eat. Just in my last trip to Manali there was a phase where I didn't east anything straight for five days. Will you believe it? And also towards the end that I found myself fattening due to excessive maggie that I survived on for two months later on.
The coffee is a bit less strong as to my taste. I miss Bangalore sometimes specially for its filter coffee. That is one reason I love Bru gold. For this I find closest to that kind of coffee. Let me share a secret about making a good coffee. First, no water. Make it in full milk. Then put excessive coffee powder and sugar. As bitter, as sweet. You can either churn it with a handy in boiled milk or else take the boiled milk and pour it in a utencil prefilld with coffee sugar content. keep pouring the liquid into both the utensils in turn, till powder dissolves and you have a good froth on top. Also microwaving it towards the end thickens the froth. After which you can actually make faces or designs with choco syrup on top - that if you want it exotic. Ha ha. For me, every moment is an oppertunity for art.

2:44
 You... Your multiple in double. Cool know.
Will take your leave now love. Hopefully will make a jewel finally tonight. Hopefully will meet again tomm.
Amour!


....................................................................


9th September, 20!8

Yo Love! How are you dearest 2 AM. I am sitting under numerous stars. With a hint of sweaty shine still sparkling upon my face post dance.
Mixed state of mind. I feel like but I don't wanna talk about all the emotional crap I deal with these days. I even burned the first ever negative poem of my life dedicated to my bro just this morning so that I could forgive him for I realized it was his birthday and we fought right at 12. So guilty I felt the entire day. I realised my mom's love and my bro's childhood days. I felt bad for not being the person they expect and felt lucky to share sometime with mom while we discussed the neck pieces I had made just this morning. But then, by evening again an argument. Again blames! Don't know why it happens. While I value all the sacrifices mom made in order to grows. While I love her the most in the world. Yet she is the one I get rude with - don't know why.
Maybe she is the only one even I have expectations from. About my brother - I wish some day we have our childhood bonding back. Is I possible after our so many changes? Future knows. For now, he is but an epitome of disrespect and misbehaviour. All I get is judgements out of him. I wish he was more evolved.
By the way I made so so many new jewels the entire morning. Though my brother later said that he feels ashamed of having a sister who at the age of 27 brings home threads and beads and wastes her time with them when she should be earning and then his list went on. That's how he wins. That's how even mom wins. There is never any logic after a point in our argument. It gets struck to the fact that I drink or smoke..  or that I don't have a stable income. That I embarrass them with my hippie lifestyle.
I know mom loves me a lot. Bit I can't change the person I am. Nor can I accept the embarrasent anyone close to me may feel about it.if you are ashamed me then that love is for someone you hope I will become. But I am not that person.
All these thoughts. To imagine I don't even think of all this when am outside. I stead I just happy there. I sing,dance, wear whatever I want,interact, write,read, learn new things. Even there sometimes I feel lonely. Even there often times I meet people who meet only for my body or with some selfish interest. That hurts me. Yet it is not everyday that I have to undergo an emotional scene.
But then I also understand that mom loves me the most. She is concerned that's why she talks about my career or lifestyle. With her own vision. Her own thought procedure. But it is her love that doesn't let her avoid the topic tough she knows it will become an argument. Bit I just don't know what to do. My art doesn't pay as yet. And I simply don't want that Delhi corporate mundaneness in my life. Don't wanna call, interact to sell some product for others. I would rather make products. Artistic ones. And I hear mom saying, 'kab tak'.
'Jaane kya hoga raama re'

Why is this society so patriarchal that every time a female has to be belittled - there are fingers raised on her character. May it be anyone - Meets, Seeta, Draupadi anyone from past to present. In Asia or America.

In the background just now a song got played 'Maahi we'... Ha ha... When I was a kid and computers were new, I used to play a game 'Troy 2000' listening to this song in background. The song just took me to that summer afternoon with my cousins, this game, same song, all my cousins. One of younger cousins when one loved another song at that time
'sooraj hua madham'
How certain songs carry time travelling energy. They are time capsules.
Oh! Another of my childhood loves. 'Aa bhi jaa'
I fell in love with the sound of violinafter I heard the songs of movie 'Sur'.
AndI am doing partial ballet on this one. It was my dream to perform ballet on stage some day. wish I had learned it. It needs immense flexibility.
I danced on the entire song insanely. Loved it. Today in Mahabharata I saw Krishna's life. How he was born. How he conquested a venomous snake living in Yamuna and danced upon him and all gods watched the show from clouds. Ha ha! Are you watching me god? Are you my love? Of course... Am dancing with your electricity in your vibes, yourself.
The air around has become so thick with the weight of humidity - the emotions welled up like my heart.
'rabba main itna bura nahi hota, .... Tu bewafa nahi hota'.

Ha ha! Gaana bhi Na!

Barish see yaad aya, I was telling you about Manali in our last meet. I won't go about my trips but I just wanna tell you about the place for I so so love it. The colorful cafes with full on music where I dance with all  heart and jam along with my friends. The apples in abundance that grow full red in August and September. The magical river Beas the water of which is the sweetest I have ever tasted. The so many mystical places totally cut off from world, just nature and soul.
Shiva cottage - where I met Gonzalo a five year old kid touched my soul and took a part of my soul with him.
The peace
peace found over there takes you to another dimension of the world.helps you unveil your own layers and boosts your spirit to another level.
'bewafa se bhi pyaar hota hai
Year much bhi ho yaar hota hai
Koi bewafa nai hota
Dil ka bura nai hota'

Ha ha... Am actually listening to all this today. I don't know this playlist has got played. I had played Lucky Ali though. Ha ha. Gaana logic. But am enjoying it.

'Ishq jab hadd se paar ho jaaye'

Even dancing to it. Feeling it. Like Sufism part. The insanity of it. Deewangi. Faqiri.

So any stars. So pretty a sight. I was really disturbed when I had come on terrace. I forgot it all y love. Here I am dancing, singing, falling in love with cosmos.
Om namah shivaay!
Lots of love.
Come. Let's dance with wind and stars.

......................................................................................
10th September, 2018
Yo my love
My dear 2 AM
Am dancing. Trancing. So so peaceful.
'piya samaye, jiya ma more piya samaye..
Ishq hai more pi ka mazhab'

How are you my love? I made a new neck piece. Two actually. And ya, last entire night after our conversation I danced for so many hours with all my heart. It went well the day even at home. Mom loved me so much today while I was sleeping. I felt good even while in deep sleep. For I had slept after three days straight. Also, this morning out of nowhere that a Facebook connection contacted and came to meet as a friend. Felt good.it was half an hour that we had a drive and that was sufficient to feel good. I just spoke . Haha... He must have got traumatized meeting someone first time and getting to listen to so much.
2:04
You,your multiple, I, us.

Boom Shankar.

I am also sipping coffee under a huge cloud. Wanna share? And yes, I forgot to tell you.. last night from 3 to 3:30 or maybe more that I saw a trail of clouds encircling me, coming out from the same origin where there was a single bright star which was twinkling hypnotically in blue and red shades. I even took it to be a satelight or flight but no it was a celestial body. A star. Just for me. I saw the cloudy faces kissing. It was all magical. Even the songs went with my mood. I could talk to cosmos. There were tears in my eyes. I kept on dancing and meditating on that light for long. Also there were so many stars with Orion and one more huge constellation visible. Also I saw a cluster of stars so close that I doubted them to be stars. But they were there just there like dots in sky. Like tiny holes in a fabric giving way to mild light. It was all ecstatic. I melted and expressed in vibes. Danced so much. Sweated all my anxiety out. Then had a hot bath and as mounted my bed then made that scene and went out to meet. There on my return that I could finally sleep. Now am much better. Even got down. Guess that was the reason for so much of emotional turmoil past few days. I wonder about few mechanisms sometimes. Say why were few things got created the way they are. WhyGhe periods? Why that painful process of childbirth. Kunti was so lucky at the time of Sun granting her a wish. A moment of magic and bang a bright kid was in her lap with even basic essentials. Why do we need food to survive? Couldn't God had retained the primary qualities of our elements which themself are immortal yet together destroy each other or have limited capability?
2:20
Wow!
The clouds are opening up giving way to the stars.
'piya re piya re, there bina laage nahi, maara jiya re'

Tomm. I will surely go to Penguine publishing house to know the publishing process of both my poetry book and novel.
I sure will.
2:22
Do double this. Do make the publishing true.
I will soon make myself able enough to buy a new phone, camera, bike or a car. Ha ha! Here speaks the city. But I will.
If I have to stay in this city or even travel out, these will be my next essentials. I have strayed on basics for too long. And this is not greed speaking. This is the need speaking. For a better version of my life's movie.
Ha ha! I just sipped from the empty cup of coffee.. life just mocked at me. But I will surely be how I desire to be.

'Maaya mari , na mann Mara
Mar Mar gya shareer
Asha trishna Na mari
Leg gye daas kabeer
Chadariya jheeni re jheeni'
Can see a tiny bright yellow star on my north west. And a multitude of stars just above that.

2:30
Exactly me. 0,2 and 3.
OK! Let me go down and come back again. We may do with some Mary Jane! It's a beautiful weather. Pretty sky. Spirits high. Don't go. Just stay today for long. Let's talk for long. I was so missing you last night after you were gone. I decided we don't have to go if we don't feel like just because 3 happens to be there. Let's all be friends. We can still chill right!

'Jogi or jogan hoi baithi,
Ranjha ki raani,
Thagni ho!'

2:42
It's crazy how am seeing so much of you today. In Mahabharata today Krishna killed Kansa. Mom told me a beautiful fact that Balram (Krishna's bro) and Lakshman (Ram's brother) were both divas of Sheshnaga (Vishnu's snake). Had no clue.
2:44
'Daas kabir har or gun gayein'
Before 3 happens, meet my friend Mary Jane. That makes is 3 already know. So, will 3 be the new 4? Ha ha!
Yest. I wanted to share a poem I had written that morning on forgiveness. Then I forgot. Today, let me write a fresh one for you my love. Here 3 is also here.
Welcome 3! Welcome to our love world. 2 is my love in present. And you are an old lover and beloved of mine. Now hear me out both of you. Let me write.

Under many bright openings
In a velvet grey tent
I find numerous ways
Many creases and dents
With wonderful memories
Beautiful dens
Amy laughters
Rivers and mountains.
The purity and intensity
Of true love.
Heart felt emotions.
Numerous sensations.
Colors and peace.
Love around.
Compassion in every color
Every crease.
The wisdom upon a bright face.
Experience. Names.
A tiny boat's s
silhouette
floating in the middle of evening shades
Of sun on the river
Or may be the sea
Or an ocean.
The ship.
The memories.
The hope!
Beginning and end.
Beginning again.
Cycles.
Separation.
Meeting again.
Dreams becoming real.
Ideas becoming dreams.
The drive to turn them real.
The detachment.
Knowing free.
Under many stars
In the grey of my heart.

~ Mystical Wanderer

Hope you liked it.

'Ghunghat ke Pat khol ni..
Tohe piya milenge'

3:09
Ooh! 3 waking up. Look dearest Tu - Orion. And the single bat flying towards it.

I wanna write a song dedicated to Manali but in Hindi with a local touch. Or even a poem. Something to do with apples and green and Beas and inner beauty.

'charitra jab pavitra hai
To kyun hai ye Dasha Teri
To login hataash hai
Tu chal, tere wajood ki
Samay ko bhi talaash hai'
Wow! What a poem...
It must be Hariwansh ray Bachchan's.

Let me try something on manali.

Seban honge laal wahan
Jaye dil baar baar jahaan
Teri god mein sir rakhne ko tadpun
Teri unchaiyon ko tarsun
Suna hai aaj bhi baadalon me beech
Poore ufaan se tu thirakti hi
Barasti boondon mein poor chaud mein
Teri Sadkon par meri rooh bhatakti hai
Main sun Sakta Hun
Teri had chattaan see guzarti
Ik ik boond ko
Maano haath badaunga
To tere baadlon see guzar kar
In patton ki komalta
In sebon ki prafullata
Dheeme see sehla paunga.
Uff! Tu kitni door hai
Fir bhi kitni kareeb
Har saans mein tu hai
Main tera faqeer.
Jogan, jogi sab kahein
Pagal, deewane Jo bhi hon.
Tere hain bus tere
Jaise wo nadi, wo ped, raatein, severe
Jo tujh mein baste hain
Manali hum tujhse mohabbat karte hain.

Ha ha! Just scribbled something. Hope you won't judge me. I usually am better than this. Ha ha.

Hey look! The same trippy star. Blue! So huge and bright. Towards east but east north.
Last one I guess was west south.
This star freaqs me. It's so energetic.
 It's just below Orion.

'Dil aie nadaan tujhe hua kya hai'

O fuck! That's the blue star. I used to love it. Gonzalo had shown it to me in Manali for the first time. He called it Shiva and called himself Ganesha. Hey Shiva! Are you also here in our get together? But of course you are always there. But I am aware of you tonight. Meet my friends. We are sitting in 3's zone. And Tu is still with us. We are all lovers of different timelines.

Magical!

Can you tell me what is that cluster of stars that I can again see right on my head?
Twice that couple of bats flew towards the blue star.
There are six stars in the cluster. 5 forming a strange Pentagon. And one in front of the one stretched out in the Pentagon.
Forming more like an arrow. No the seventh one is also there. After the one outside Pentagon. So it's a teeny veeny constellation. Is it?
Tell me know!

Let's jam. I wanna become a full on singer in my dream world.

But I am dancing instead. Always happens with me. But I am getting conscious to sing on terrace at this point of time. In Manali in a cafe towards the end of my trip that a guy handed me a Mike and told me to sing confident with my heart. I had been winning this dream to sing in Manali for entire two months and that evening I sang and sang for many hours looking at the mountains and clouds and river Beas. Also danced.
The star is both blue and red. Why do you seem not blue star but someone else. Or is it your evolved version? Or are you saying something?

'Main phir bhi tumko chahunga'
Travel - Shiva- Gonzalo- I - mom
So many numbers.

'lekin jab yaad karoge tum
Main ban ke hawa aa jaunga.
Main phir bhi tumko chahunga'

'Tu raat deewaani
Main zard sitaara'.

It's a diamond in sky. The star. So so beautiful.

Miss dancing in cafes of Manali.
And mom's line 'Kab tak'.
Also I wanna stay back here and give my mom unconditional love. What she deserves. What anyone deserves. Why do we put conditions and have expectations. Love is but love. Despite of what other does or doesn't do. That has been my principle. So would I follow even at home. Not just while travelling but even in person.

OK! Everyone welcome 4! I think we should all go... We can meet tomorrow. I will also chill now. Thank you for such magical mystical energetic time. Maybe I would just look at sky... Or who knows how I will flow.
Love you all.
'in sanson ka dekho tum pagalpan ki
Aye nahin inhe chain
Mujjse ye boli main rahon mein Teri
Apne bicha dun ye rain'



...................................................................



11th September, 2018
Hey 2 AM
Ssup? I am kind of lost today. Like just not getting in sync with this timeline. I am lost in my thoughts. Or music. Or silence.
I am feeling bad today for being so bad a daughter throughout my growing up. I mean,I have been proud of all this. Say, paving my own path, taking my own decisions. But at what cost?
I don't know if I did right or not.

Also this strange thing called love. Where all I ever wanted in return of love was maybe recognition of the same love. And when it wasn't valued it hurt me. When I was taken or treated wrong - I felt bad. Felt hurt. Felt betrayed in my emotions. Didn't I do same to my parents no matter for whatever reason. No parents can be anybody but epitomes of love for their kids. Even their anger has immense love in it.
I just wanna cry. Don't know why.

'Mora saiyaan Mose bole na'

I am missing all the people I have ever loved. Missing my childhood innocent self. Missing the self that I want to be.
Maybe the one that got developed into the person that I am needs an embrace. A warm one. True one. Maybe I should give one to myself. And then to all the people that come my way. That's how I have been trying to love -with empathy, love, compassion. How did I fail to have friends in my life then? How come I never really felt satisfied that way. Maybe I failed to be one. But I did my best - always. Yet there is a bestie who matters so much to me and we even share our birthdays and I haven't called her in two months.
My phone is still not repaired by the way. Why does cosmos do it to me? Already I am struggling with resources and the ones that I have also get broken.
I feel helpless in such times. And phone is but an example here.

Here I am dancing once again. And just felt the first breeze.

'Ishq kiya hai sabne...
Ishq da matlab na koi samjha...

In my coffee mug the chocolate syrup is making a face with two arms holding each other.

I didn't go to the publishing house even today by the way. I got so happy and boosted to finally sing that I made a shitty video instead lookin ugly and singing even shittier. I so so wanna sing good some day. There is flute in my room calling me every other day. I should practice it. I am just not picking it up. So many  dreams. When will I work toward them?
I was listening to Furzon just now. Have played some Dylan. Been a long time.
'Knocking on heaven's door'
2:21
Mom made daal pakwaan for me today. It's a Sindhi special dish. It's rare that I get to have it. Or I even feel like it. Felt great. It was delicious.
I did a new neck piece today. It's in brown thread with 3 bronze camels hanging from it. I am wearing it round my neck tonight. Do you like it my love?
I clicked some photographs of mine as Well and even uploaded them. Though I didn't like them. Also I understand that each time I post some sensuous picture, I get negative vibes. But I still consider it an art. And I don't k ow why I do it. With a nice background I really love my pictures. Just today I wasn't feeling so beautiful. For I have got random achnes on my face and head. One reason can be the hormonal changes. Another can be stress and anxiety that filled me past few days.
I don't get it. Why do I be like this suddenly in this city. Everywhere else that am happy - dancing, singing, being empathetic.... Just here.... That I only have complaints playing in the back of my head all the time. All I have is expectations from myself and others and the pain of not being able to fulfill them. At all other places, I forget it all... Just live every moment - happy and fullest. But isn't that all dillusional then. An ignorance? Yet I feel really happy there. But guess even there, I. The depth of my heart, a repressed pain stays. The memory that I often repress. The things I should do. The person that is expected of me.
The anxiety trying to get up. Silenced and made to sleep again. Even there. In the depths of my heart.
2:29
'How does it feel, to be without home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone.'

My ex used to sing it years ago. Suddenly the song seems to be mocking at me. Suddenly I see his face singing it for me. Like it was all intentional. Like he wanted to drag me to that level and he did it. Or maybe it was fate. For none can do anything to anyone without it being written as Mahabharata says.

'Aie Mr. Tamburine'
Another favorite of mine.
'I have no one to meet
And my ancient empty streets
Are too dead for dreaming'

Oh! I love harmonica. I used to carry it everywhere while travelling. Guess I lost in Laddakh somewhere in my last trip. For I didn't see it after that.
Also the fact that I didn't carry it in my Pan India trip where it was a must. Maybe it felt bad and left me.
2:42
What a number. You!

OK! Let me play some Tom waits now. I also heard Shankar Tucker after a longtime early this night.
Don't know from where all these names are coming back to my memory. Don't know when I had walked away from them.

'Everynight it's just the
same
Downtown train'

2:48
You.square. cube. Cute.
Should I fill NET again? Exam will be in December but that will enable me to be a lecturer. Last time I missed it by 1 mark and considered it my destiny. For it seemed but a cruel joke to not have it because of 1 mark. Should I again invest my time there? Maybe. I gotta be sure though. And exam always happens in December. The first time that I had filled that form , I had skipped it and gone to Goa and had begun my life afresh in Bangalore. Can it another circle in the gyre. Maybe this time it has to work? Hope ! Hope seems such a silly thing to me sometimes. It makes me feel like I have still not grown up.het am so fucking full of it. Always!Despite of darkest of phases!

I feel so so sorted suddenly. All planning and all in my head about my YouTube videos, books to be published,novel to be finished, songs to be written, cafe to be planned, even jewellery making classes.
Ha ha! Sometimes I think about a little kid who wants to be an astraunaut, a doctor, a teacher, an artist, even a guard - all at the same time.
Why do we have to be specific? Yeah ! Yeah! Our energy is not focussed. But aren't we a part of whole? Or is our energy limited or rationed? Why can't I take multi colored beads of different shapes from the box and different kind of jewellery from the same threads. Why does it have to be only anklets or neckpieces or hair wraps? Why can't it be even table clothes and wind chams and curtains and whatever I wanna make of it.
Bit the system is so that I have to begin with one and make it famous. Also it has to be sold for others to have existence and all to retain. Just that am unable to choose. I have to begin from somewhere.
Welcome 3! Ssup? Come come. Sit along. Tu and I are just discussing some business strategies. Ha ha! Seems funny to the artist in me mocking at me and being needy at the same time. I know it will thank me later for dominating over at this time. It is essential for both of us to live with self respect or to even survive in our own. Dependence is so not us. Also we have to prepare for the future-we have to be able enough to have others depend on us.
That's what even Buddha realised. That one can get enlightenment only when all souls are uplifted. So one has to help others evolve. With patience, love, knowledge, wisdom, empathy, compassion, tolerance, lots and lots of love. Patience!
'And I hope you don't fall in love with me
I can see that you are lonesome just like me
Now it's closing time'

The sky is cloudy. So thick a grey
 Coffee mug is empty. Mary Jane has run out of time. She left. And ssup with both of you? How was your time in parallel universes? How did other parts of earth treat you? Was there lot of pain in the world? Lot of politics and chaos? Were people happily celebrating their new and old connections or dancing in oblivions? Was there food on every plate? Were their calm faces in deep sleep state? Did artists create anything new with empty pockets, half filled black coffee, dabbed smokes piled on the edges of ash trays? Were there any enraged faces fuming with future changing potent? Was moon visible in some corner of the world? Did two souls connected at a level beyond worldly united to the cosmic state? Tell me you two... How has been our state? For I tell you every day about my night and day. Not like you have to. For you better know what Nd what not to share. Yet, feel free to offer whenever whatever. I will be here to listen.
You have been special my dearest Tu. You listen to me with patience and love everyday. It means a lot to be. Years from now, if I will be alive, I will look at this younger self... Our love. .. maybe it will teach me something... Maybe I will be happy to have you in some timeline. This kind of connection. Or maybe I will laugh at my folly. For matter that I am.it's my love story  with matterless that you are. And we become the universe together -the matter and matterless. Nothingness with something. Shiva and Shakti. Consciousness and time.
You to me are divine.
Love you.
Bye bye you!
Will see you
When I will see you!

....................................................................................................


12th September, 2018

To my love. My dear 2 AM.

Wait for 2. Let me grab a quick mug of coffee.. for I have just woken up -thankfully.
Alright yo!  I took 5 for the milk had to be boiled. But let me hold all that I need and we will go upstairs my love.
2:08
I didn't go out the entire day for I was so so sleepy. I had an option to got to Dwarka to meet a friend and from there go to Aerocity and meet another friend. But I fucking ditched for no reason but sleep. I don't know why suddenly I was so so sleepy. Also I didn't want to go to different corners of the city just to chill. Mom's line keeps echoing in my head - 'kab tak'. Not like I made any difference staying back as well. Lol! At least I won't have to fight for this for next few days that I went out and stayed with a guy friend and shit. Though as soon as I got up my clothes were again questioned for am in a midi - a short brown one piece. But I know anger was upon my sleeping self that again didn't visibly do anything worth it and was instead just sleeping.
Why do I become so lazy here in Delhi.where does all my zeal for life vanish over here?
Let me play some music. Everything seems so numb today.
The grey sky even deprived of many clouds. The eering silence. My body. This coffee. Ha ha! Such colored lens. Buddhism is right - what is inside is reflected outside.
Have played some 'Astro world'. Didn't know it by name though.
Ha ha! If nothing it will boost me up for sure - the way it seems so far.
2:20
Woooah!
I think I would rather change it - the music. Though I should have liked it 'Stargazing....'
Also about state of mind.
Feeling strangely cold today. Like shivers and chills - that too springs of them. Suddenly.

'Tu dastan koi
Tu nazam sa..
There saath se hi
Ratein meri
Hain subah!'

Few stars finally out in the sky. Mind is so numb today to think of anything.

'Kbhi sheet laaga
Kanji taap laaga
Tere saath ka Jo
Shaap laaga
Manwa bhauraaya'

Ha ha!
Songs are such a beautiful display of heart.

In Mahabharata now, Krishna's scenes are over. Instead it is on Pandavas and Kauravas' childhood where they are suddenly bound to grow together and everybody is worried about the future. I share their worry in terms of future but of my life. But I get to learn a lot from their contradictory statements like...
1) 'It in fate's hand what will happen'
2) Don't confuze Fate and luck. They are two different things.
3) Fate doesn't mean you are not free to make choices or take actions. We are not bound to act as per it. Fate instead is a mirror of actions. It is a life story.

I don't know how they do it. Prove such contradictory points with such confidence.
Like Bhishmpitama who had himself taken that vow and had abandoned his responsibility of the entire kingdom now is worried and all for the future and the fate that it has in store. So they all kind of agree what will happen and rather than changing it think of disaster management. Hence Satyawati (kind of great granny of pandavas and kauravas) takes Amba and ambalika to the forest to not see it at all -the future. What sense does it make? They could have all stayed back and tried to bring a change know being the sane elders to those kids.
Gandhari is worried that her bro will be a bad influence to Duryodhana - her son. Yet she let's them be ! What kind of surrender is it to the fate?

2:40
Boom Shankar!
Switch yourself according to the occasion dear numbers.

'Mainu ishq tera le dooba
Tu shamil hai mere
Hasne rone mein
Koi baaki hai kami
Mere paagal hone mein'

Ha ha! So true! Koi kami baaki nahi mere paagal hone mein|

2:48
Keep doubling yo! As if I am not in love with you enough. Are you trying to be Krishna? But I am not so many.

The last sip of coffee is always yummiest - full of froth and sweetness and that pure taste of coffee.
A mild Orion is visible toward east north. I am dancing with it love. Come join me dear Tu.

'Tujhse aisa ujha ye
Dil dhaaga dhaaga hua
Yun hi Roz aisa udhda buna
Kissa ishq ka kai baar
Humne likha
Saahiba saahiba
Chal wahan jahan Mirza'

I have pain in my entire body today. My back hurts. So does my neck. A good massage would have been perfect. O yes! I feel I am blessed with this healing power in my fingers. I can heal people. Often that people have found it way relieving once I relax their pressure points. But I hate oil.it is just the pressure upon those knots that does the task. Though I have realised it is much more than just their physical pain that gets taken out. It is also their soul that gets healed. And I always feel so so drenched out of energy whenever I give one such session to anyone. And it always comes from inside. Sometimes they also get a strange pain in neck for two three days later. This has been a recent happening in few cases. But they had so much of pain in their consciousness. I think they must have got tremendously healed after those three days for none complained from the very next day. Instead they were all happy rather thanked me with smiles  the next day. Instead I felt guilty of giving them a new pain. Yet I know deep inside it is their own pain. Even Freud figured this out -the case of Hysteria. The repressed desires that become physical pain in the long run. I feel healing any one sure heals the other. Or maybe it is all a make belief. But every reality is based in belief after all. And in my world this surely holds real - the healing part.
Except that sometimes people take it all wrong. It is also about the reception right. Say I wanna give love and the other person instead gives me lust. The whole exchange doesn't match and becomes hampered. The purity is corroded. I feel annoyed at myself for even offering it in the first hand. Or people be like -hey! Don't touch my feet.'
Lol! What the fuck! Feet and palms have all the pressure points. And why are people so biased against feet. As if it is someone else's body part. For me, each of my body part is equally important - and is made of same flesh. Oooooh! Boobs! Crap! ass! Oooh! Waist!
Ha ha ha!
Let it all burn man! It is all the same.
People while wrapping themselves in layers of fabrics, classes,colors, ideologies, principals, believes, language and breeds... They lost the real self.  The air inside a Lays packet. Ha ha!
Post three now!
Yo Tu! Still awake? Welcome three. Roll another one?

Oh! The blue red star is out again. It is not as bright today. But I know it's the same.

Boom Shankar!

'Main agar sitaron se chura ke laun raushni'

Couple of bats returning back from the direction of Blue red star tonight. I feel a bit feverish today. Have been like that the entire day.

'Jo tu mera handard hai
Suhaana har dard hai'.

Moment this star comes out I feel like every song that gets played is dedicated to me. Or sometimes I feel like it.
But this song has been heard so often by my ears. No. No. Let me change it.

And here returns my childhood. Lol! Can't believe am reminded of Alisha Chinnai today.
But I like this one
'har dil mein armaan hote to hain
Bas koi samjhe zara'

And a couple passed again. Isn't it beautiful...

Grey the sky
Greyer the bats
They camouflage each other
Yet fill the color
Color grey into
Each other.
And still manage
To come out as
Grey bats in grey sky
And somehow
They make each other appear
Darker.
To the point of black.
Or maybe they are black.
But be grey
When they meet.
Who knows!
Aren't they friends?
Bats and night!
Shades of grey.

Time for some Gotye.

'Somebody that I used to know'

Oye Tu and three would you want to meet 4? We used to chill together in 2016 in October. We met nearby Diwali. That was one phase.

Welcome 4! We are all bit numb. Or thoughtful. Or slow today. Wanna chill still? Well! Anyhow you are chilled out know. I remember the winters we have shared. Tu is quite pleasant comparatively. Let's sit for some time then we'll go.

Hey 4, remember the trip I used to dream about. I did got it finally. Infact I just can't ever forget it. It breaths in me day and night.
Hey Tu, I was telling you as well know about my trip. So ya, after Spiti I was in Manali for few days and it was my birthday. I did mention it to you know 3. But I couldn't tell the details. So yes,it was my birthday and I had got this strange notion in my head to go to Laddakh and spend my birthday watching the Pangong lake. I had no clue about the distance or what was what. It was but a dream to visit Laddakh for years and last year in August I just wanted to go to Laddakh.
But then just one day previous to my birthday did I feel that every time I go to some new nature place and go totally out of contact from family and friends. Why not spend it amidst friends in Manali itself.
I have this immense love for music and that's what made me stop on the Eve of my birthday - for friends and the music we used to do everyday in Manali. I did celebrate it with a cake and friends but something was missing. One thing I was with some foolish comapany and even the friends were new and the connection lacked somewhere though the celebration was there. On my birthday I woke up late and suddenly felt I had betrayed the traveller in me somewhere. So I picked up my rugsack and left Manali for Laddakb without even knowing the direction. All I had was 2500 rupees in my pocket. Can you all even imagine taking such a trip with that less money. But then I had no idea about my requirements or anything. All I followed was the inner call. And all dressed in mini white dress, I walked with my rugsack till downside of Vashishth. That too in rain. It rained so much suddenly that I had to wait. I wanted to hitchhike. It was 4 PM. Few locals told me it was too late to leave and that may be I should take a bus next morning. But No. I knew I had to go. I was drenched. It was my birthday. And I was siting roadside all on my own at a chai shop looking for a hitch. Till I could wait no longer and again began to walk. I had already walked for 4 kms by then. And there. Shiva's angel. An empty Mazda moving
towards Laddakh. Driver of which told me to hop on and agreed to take me till Keylong. That's how I spent rest of my birthday - solitary in a Mazda, looking outside at the rainy peaks of Rohtang and feeling lucky about the fact that hey! I was finally moving towards Laddakh. I was on my own, there were tears in my happy, get there was this strange peace in my heart. That night I spent in Keylong. Journey was long even after that. It took me several hitches to finally reach Leh the next night at 2:30 AM. Something severe happened to me both in Keylong and Leh the first time I went there. About that I will tell you guys later.
For now, the sky is so so pretty. Few stars, few streaks of clouds. It is so pretty.
Bats flying here and there.

Am downstairs - back at my home. OK! Mom will soon be awake.let me cut some vegetables. That will be a help in surprise. Ha ha!
Ladyfingers reminded me of something. Wait let me cut them and then I will tell you all about it.

So ya! I once in my teenage was talking to a Facebook friend early morning and I told him 'I am cutting ladyfingers'... Lol... Guess what his reply was! 'I wish I was that ladyfinger. At least you would have touched me'... Ha ha ! People can be shit cheasy and weirdly flirty at times. I was numbed at the intellect. Never interacted with him again.

Oye! Welcome 5! I have been eager to meet you for so long. Hey all! Meet 5! I have been so so happy in Bangalore with 5. Dearie, do you remember we had so many discussions about Ashtawakra geeta and literature. And remember I didn't know where to go on that New year - the last day we met. Well I did go somewhere finally - it was to Pondicherry. One of the most ecstatic night of my life. Though I was way cribby the entire night for at 12 still that I was on the way with my companion. But morning of 1st was insane. We didn't talk but you did leave a parting gift. For at dot 5 that I was totally free if my clothes and swimming in the lovely waves of an isolated beach. Off! The red moon I talked to the entire night. The morning rainbow shades of sky. How moon turned goldish red and while making it's way through the sea, made a halo of light just around me. How the sky changed it's shades one by one - just for me. I splashed in the waves for so long. I talked to my water family. The family I had maybe in some other life. The water house I could see. I imagined myself to be a mermaid living a life in some other timeline just there on the water bed. Oh! It was a crazy trip. Thank-you five for being thee.
Everyone, if I ever die... Do treat 5 well... It gave me utmost happiness. It gave me the love of my life. One soul connection I am still proud of. But that's a secret I have to carry. One person I met with in thee. I had to be silent even then. I am silent still. But the waves of my heart turn and swirl just with a memory - that I was there - at that level of connection with someone in this life so quick with it's changes. So full of happy surprises and for long those memories.
Will take your leave all of you. Will be with mom for some time. I really value my time with her. I love her so much. But I don't know how I manage to fyck things up.
For example just now when I cut ladyfingers. I mean my intention was to help her right. I cut them. And she even told me that I have to cut them in long pieces. I don't know how I failed to hear everything but just that line. And I cut them all in shorter pieces. The entire dish in her mind had to be changed. I even cut onions and tomatoes then to ease it up. But see.. I fucked up.
And it always happens with me. Ever since my childhood. Once when I was very young, I opened all her lipsticks with this intention that it will save her time to choose as she had to do so much before leaving for work. She was very late to close them all. I even decided to help her with that once she left. Guess what. I was so young or stupid that I didn't know I had to rotate them all to close. I just dabbed the caps on all and fucking destroyed all her lipsticks. Oh! What a pain had I been.
And that she had been so patient with me and loving still.
I love her. OK! Gotta go! Love you all.
Special love for you my dear Tu!
Off I go.. Yo Yo!

...................................................................................

13th Separate, 2018

Hey love! My dear 2 AM. How are you. I need your arms today just to relax. Have returned back home just 15 minutes back. Now on terrace though after a bath but u heart is hurt and mind is fucked. Let me roll one and get back to you. I need it.
It had been such a fucked up and hectic day for me. Also that I haven't slept after last evening.
But seriously, I don't know why Time does it to to me. What kind of Fate is it. I get ideas, hope, people offering ideal opportunities... And not like I lack anywhere in my efforts... But it mocks at me the time. It fails me with selfish stupid meets and random time wastage schemes. And even more painful is the time and money I waste for even that.
So ya, I went to Green park, Hauzkhaas and GK to have various meetings. Got disappointed with my overall day and here I am ranting about it. Let me play some music. Maybe it will sooth my mood.

'Ranjish hi sahi
Dil hi dukhane ke
Liye aa'

So yeah! This morning I came up with this idea of doing web series. And then the idea kept on building up where in I invited artists on FB to collaborate.
Maybe that was a mistake. For I should know - my destiny is to do everything on my own. And get results when they lose any value or they no more matter any more.

The blue red star has appeared quite early today. Can I stare into it and cry? I so feel like it.
Oh!It's not even the same star. It's a piece of Orion. One edge of a skirt. I got confused because the direction was same.
The situation represents my day so perfectly.
A guy boosted me to apply for a job somewhere today. Another guy boosted me to appear for NET again the other day.
Crazy! I will get crazy while trying to figure out even a single one. And not like I don't try. None even pops up. And I have no strength or energy to fucking again get on field for the same that I had already worked upon earlier. But then, it has been along time. I only I knew the right way. If only I could have channelised my energy. Maybe I would have dealt with lesser morons and even lesser hollow egos.

But then this video thing I am gonna surely do. Even if on h own. Or maybe with one more person. But I will do it. For sure! Will give my poetry another level all together. I have the vision and I will do it.
Am having cold coffee today. Had no time or energy to heat it up. Also, after ultra, a warm coffee could have formed it's own chemicals.. ha ha! Cold coffee seemed apt. I was more hungry though but had no desire to eat.
2:30
'We'll be with you
And hold you till you are
Crying...
Till then you go!'

Oh! I have so much and yet nothing to say today! Missing Manali. Missing Bangalore. But of some other timelines. Actually the connections. My silver secret. And the moon upon dreads on the other side. How love is essential. How sharing art makes it better.
How I miss human connections here in this city. Yet, now that I find none along... I wanna give all my love to my mom... For none remains beside... No matter how much you love... But your mom.
Again! The same! See... This is what occupies my mind all the time. All these splits. The confused self that I have become. I fucking gave two people the same time to meet. I mean it all happened in a moment by some other thoughts... But seriously... What was I even thinking... And why did I even bothered to go the first thing. Why did I go out today at all. I don't know why there isGhis deep sorrowness... This unhappy state of heart... And how happy that I had gone..
One good thing in the evening though... I met a friend from Manali. Three actually... Suddenly in Hauzkhas village. I felt so so so happy to meet them. One of them is an amazing musician. He is like the God of Reggae... Oh! How I wish to have a place then to have offered it o them... I would have loved to even roam around on streets with them... Rather than where I was... But I don't know what has happened to me. How have I become so binary... I am doing two things at the same time - sometimes entirely opposite.
So has become my behavior. Suddenly happy. Suddenly angry with a single thought.
Now I am sad. Now am dancing.
Have I become crazy? Am I losing my mind?
I think I would have to list out like I used to long ago... I will make a list of things to do... Will strategize my own life... I used to fucking plan up huge events for companies, give them brand building schemes, innovatively. I can full on re do my life.
I am Norn in you Delhi. Your vibes can't conquer my spirits. For I am the daughter of earth. And I have energy not just of my country but the entire cosmos. Beat me. I won't let you. No! I don't have to prove. But I will still do. Take it as a gift. For you raised me well. Made me able to see even the flaws in you. I will bring art in this fucking materialistic world. I will get colors to this obese dead world of numbers. These numbers are stale. Hurdled together in counters and computers. I will bring these numbers out - will fill life in them. One by one. All at once. List is the key. Will make a list soon. And I always do what I decide. It may get a bit late but even that I will revive. In office not even once I missed any deadline. Always invested least of time and came up with most innovative and all that on time. I have it all in me. Now with even more experience. Like a collage. A hybrid that I am.
You too will be loved dear Delhi. You too will be loved enough to be forgiven and embraced enough to take your responsibility enough to bring changes in you. To change my entity for you.
The child in me is crying bitterly still. Why? O why? Again that I have to grow up.
'je pyaas lagegi tainu
Main bn jaunga paani
Jo pad ke tu khush Howe
Main bn jaan ohi kahani
Ki tere baajo koi vi nahi'

Welcome 3! Welcome to my bombastic misery.

3:03
Ooh!

'meri nazron ko tooney sapna dikhaya
Aisa mera dil kabhi na tha
Hairaan
Teri karamaat thi'

3:06
Three and It and Three in 6.
Sahi! Sahi!

Oooh! The magic star is out now.

My entire body is paining still. Also the chills. And that feverish feeling. And the frequency of finding a strand or two of grey has become more frequent these days. Stress? Age? Aah! What are you time? How do you function. How you change paces psychologically? How happy times pass so soon and stay in hearts as sigh boxes forever. Yet the pain that is so loyal that stays at every end. Why thou so loyal pain? Why do you even exist? Don't you get into existential crises? But of course you have a purpose... To inflict yourself upon others! Lucky you! At least you know.

I think there was something positive in today over all. I got reminded of many things that I can do to make myself stand again in the working sector. One thing, if I can do so many things on my own while making a video - why not do it. I am self sufficient there. But of course. I need to invest on the tools like camera and a phone. Better than paying outside right. And second, that if I have strong opinions and thoughts or opinions about things in society, I should voice them out on decent platforms.

'We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside
Your hand
But you played it
To the beat!'

Where did the perfume of Mystical Wanderer go? Guess it is in transformation phase. Boiling further with more flowers to become stronger for the world so needing some cosmic essence.

'I'm unstoppable today'

No more the soft me. No more hee hee hee hee. Fuck it! Time to catch on several pace.

3:23
Aaawww

'And I set fire to the rain'
ooh! I am dancing insanely. Suddenly so so charged up.

The song reminds of the last wall art I did in Manali. There was a girl's face on the crescent of the moon in centre. And fire behind moon with a water fall falling from moon to the ground. With a starry sky above. And blue water below.

'Let the sky fall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together'
3:33
Bye bye both of you.
Bye my dear Tu.
Love you guys. Will catch tomm.

...........

14th September, 2018
Hey my love
My 2 AM
How are you? I have just come on terrace. Let me get comfortable. Play some music. Light up.
2:02
Been a long time have seen you twice in this form.
I have been busy on a new app past few days - Haikujam. People do poetry there - one line each in a  poem of three lines. It's refreshing. Each can change the meaning.
Boom Shankar!

2:04
Woah!

'Bahe main, bhare more naina
Share more main
Mohe naina sune nahi kehna
Bhare more naina'

'But I can't help
Falling in love with you
As a river flows
Gently to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things were meant to be'

I can see another blue star today - a mild one. In East south.

I have finally got access to my google account even in this phone after many days. I had forgotten the password. And my sim still is not working for my phone is still not repaired. I think I would have to buy a new one. Last time mom forced it for I was carrying an old and broken phone for so long. I wanted to buy on my own even then. Even now. I think again I have to take her help. For nothing seems possible without a decent phone and camera - nothing means the things I want to do. Say, most of them are digital in nature. And some gadget is essential for the same. And a good one.
2:21
I am thinking of Macrame business that I will do. Will surely sell my jewellery online. Have to check with some courier company or at least know the charges involved.
2:23
'Cry me a river'

My playlist is playing on Gaana. An old favorite. Synced through Google account.

Orion is out in the sky. And guess what there is Despacito in background. Lol! Let me Change it. Have heard it all over so much. No. Wait! Let me first!
Everyday I think of writing intelligent things over here - for our conversation to be more meaningful. Bit when we do meet, I just flow and write anything that comes to my mind despite of it's intellectual value. Also, I think that's what I do even when I meet people. I meet with heart and honesty. But filtered interaction will make it so so effective. They will get their value. Just like a marketing presentation where in the first or second slide you should talk about the viewer's need and it's solution and only then that you introduce yourself with what you can do for them and finally happens your introduction. But No! I just be! I fail to market myself anywhere. I don't see any need. Yet, every business man that I meet tells me the same -marketing is essential. I do get it - the importance of marketing. And I can do it well for others in all possible ways. But for myself? I just don't do it. Don't know why!
2:32
My broken arm still hasn't reached it's natural place. Nor has it gained enough strength. Mom says, 'it takes years'.
Of course, now that I also carry a plate in my arm. I searched so much before the surgery about titanium. Even convinced myself with this that it was time for me to enter technology. Even watched a movie on artificial intelligence. I tripped on becoming the future person - metallic in body - one part by one.
Ha ha! How silly I am oftentimes. When will I grow up! Oh! ButI sure am old. I am expected to be at least by the society. For with age everyone changes. I have too in many ways. But I still haven't been able to follow the social trends. Once I left them, I never tried. I think this time I am partially close to one of them - financial success - I am working towards it. But still not for the same reason. But for survival of the crazy in me. Still. Like a fish holding on to the last drop in her heart as she digs a well for her own survival.

And I just danced the hell out of me. Out of breath. Was already so low in energy. But music. Oh! I miss manali. How full of energy I always am over there. How I dance for hours there - insanely - one with cosmos - one with self, one with others - full of synergy.

'my head's underwater
But I am breathing fine'

I can talk about my past but today in Mahabharata, Krishna told Sudama when he asked about Krishna's flute playing days in Mathura, that talking about past only diverts one from doing the right thing in present. That one should always focus on present and do what one is doing. They were collecting wooden sticks from forest. I could suddenly learn from it. That I have toBather myself up and the different to dos I listed before sleeping last night. That I should focus on them. Today I will implement at least one of them. Can even be ordering a new phone. Ha ha! That will be my favorite. But I don't know if I will be happy about it or not. For I so so wanna buy it on my own.
I was offered a job last evening. But I had not gone there for the same purpose. And where I had gone to find some work, I was considered disinterested in corporate world. Which in a way is true as well. I mean, I would love to work in Bangalore somewhere. But in Delhi -has to be a huge step! Every time I go for it, either the effort fails or my soul stops me. I so want it to be extremely creative -whatever I do next. Don't know why I can't compromise with my time. I may waste it but to give it someone else to build some empire up. No! I would rather dig my own cave!

'Awaaraa dil aawaaraa hua'

Oye 3! Sup?
Hey 2.. let us all jam. Like write three liners. What say?

There the blue red magical star is also out in East north. It will be the audience. But first let me dance a bit. For you all!
There a couple of bats flying from star beyond the top of my head.

'haay Teri hun saari ki saari main
Par tere liye bazaari Hun main'

'Bas ek base tumko dekhne ko train
Kehta hai dil ye mera'

At this time all seems to be coming from Manali. How I miss old manali.

OK! Poetry! Poetry. Let's do it. I mean let's flow.

Night with few stars
Conflicts,Inner wars
Peace - where are you?

Between songs of two emotions
Am that silence of few seconds
The present.

Dizziness is an illusion.
Like stability in life is.
Like two trains moving at equal speed.

Am two. Also three.
Am bounded. Also free.
Am one. Or maybe zero. Just.

Wind in my locks.
Anklets singing along.
Are you here love?

Ha ha! This one was so Bollywood. Are you enjoying it? Should we go for more. Ok! Let's try.

Silhouettes of night
How do you even survive
With so less light!

Darkness my love.
Where are your colors?
Absorbed!

A familiar song
A distant memory.
Keep it inside.

A random rod
Riding the wall.
Perpendiculars are criminally aesthetic.

Trees are old friends
Soul connections from before
Talk to them.

The distant blue star
Is red with love.
Are you transformation itself?

I am enjoying it. Haikujam taught me a new way of writing poems. I always used to write in so any lines. My poems have always been super long. This is fun. Just three lines. And changes or continuity is totally unexpected. It is fun.

I wish I could have rolled one. But it's still cool. This state of mind. Relaxed. While I listen to the music.

Do you think of me
When it rains?
In your pains?
Do you miss me
When you lie on bed
With arms free?
Don't you wanna embrace
The genuine affection
Some real love?
Don't you think of
The magic touch?
The fingers moving on their own
The connection so pure?
But maybe you missed the purity
Or lacked in sincerity.
For you failed to see
The feet walking on their own
To your direction.
The anxiety getting peace
Whenever eyes looked at thee.
The hurt in heart
To find you lusting with greed.
But again you never noticed
I felt your pain
Your anxiety.
I gave you love even then
When you ensured distance
Feeling free.
But don't you ever think of me?
Of those moments
Where
We were we.
Or of those days
Where we would have been we.
But of course
I and you
Stayed two entities
For you
Not for me.
And hence I wonder
Did you ever
Love me?

OK! Will go now. Lot of love!
Good night!

...............

15th September, 2018

Hey dear 2 AM. It's been 15 days that we have been meeting. Can you even believe that? Like half a Month gone so quickly. I have no stash on me today. So so wish to share it with you though. Hope you had some.
But your wind - it's killer. Tales me to another high. This moment. The unison. Like I was so so dull just a moment ago and here I am typing feverishly out of love.
2:02
Caught you. Again.
I could have gone out to meet few friends the entire afternoon. Something came on my self respect. Yet in Mahabharata today I heard that 'ahem' or this ego needs to be destroyed for it's sign of weakness. Instead one should first be humble. Humility is the key to prosperity as per them. It was. Conversation between bhishmpitamah and Vidur. OK! I won't block my friend.

Oh! I so need Mary Jane right now. This is the only time these days. Last night I ensured it anyhow. Anyway... So ya... I have begun another anklet. It is for a friend.

Also, I played singing bowl after a long time today. It felt great.

Oh! I just saw a strange bird. It was white from below. And then it dissolved suddenly in the sky wearing grey of the clouds.
Darkness gives rise to mysterious activities or maybe these all are my illusions.
You are quite windy today which is great. At least some goodness in the day. Actually a lot. Whenever I hug my mom with love and she hugs me not with all the hopes I can be but just love - I feel happy. I really wanna do so much for her. Don't know how and when.
No stars visible at all in sky tonight. Just few clouds still building here and there.
And a flock of birds just flew past my head high up in the sky.

Time is so slow today! Or I don't know. It just feels so stagnant. But of course, I didn't even step out today.
I hate it when anyone calls me 'Baby'. Seriously fucks my head. Drives me crazy. I be like 'how dare he?'

2:22
Triplet Tu

Am listening to David Guerra while spinning webs of fantasies full of what ifs and whys and why nots.

Let's listen to Skillex.
'You are my favorite movie'

Orion is out. Also many other stars. No wind anymore. Also am smashing my head with half locks wildly in all directions. Am headbanging but sideways. Left and right. Off my hair ride. Ha ha. 
'Love you just the way you are
A state of my'

2:32
'Where are you now that I need you'
This song reminds me of someone. He used to sing it for someone else though. I sing it for him right now. But I know he is happy. So I shouldn't even think like that. Good things come in small packages. Also, it's been years now. But the grey cloud misses it's silver lining.

Barasna hi reh gya hai
Uski taqdeer mein
Aur andhiyaan hain
Ki udaye chale ja rahi hain.
Kisi chattaan de takra kar
Hi tootega.

'Ragga bomb ragga bomb'
Ha ha! Am dancing insanely.

Have nothing much to say today. Wanna jam maybe? Let's try.

Darkness, desire, demise of self
Surreal agony oozing out
Displayed on a shelf!

White bird in night sky
Who are you?
Where are you going?

Ha ha! So lame! I just am feeling so numbed today. Like totally disinterested in world. OK! Another try.

Emotions variate. Perceptions too.
Persons though stay the same.
Not their value.

Staircase of filed light
Distant, under night sky.
Maybe darkness dives into world from there.

I wanna hop on a magical carpet
And sing with my Allahdin
Only they both are missing
The carpet and Allahdin.

Like really? Did I write that? I think I will kill myself tomm. If you won't kill me today. Let's wait for three. Together we make better poems. Also, we can go down. Let me brew some coffee..Maybe then I will be a bit more active. But I was inside my room the entire day. I don't even wanna do that.

I would rather love a surprise right now. A sudden meet call...
There I just saw a light blast in sky. Was it lightening. What was that? Was it you surprising me dear Tu?

I love spontaneous things... Can be meets, trips, creative things. There and then. Where idea turns real without needing any patience. Where vision turns into reality with all it's entirety. Without any filter of time.

Am listening to some Tropical house - what ever that means.
Aah! Now you winding my hair. Now when three is about to come. But you were pretty windy even earlier. It is just my spirit that day by day is losing something. Don't know what. Everyday I feel a bit lesser in something. Can't figure out what. Bit am getting weaker - physically, mentally, emotionally... And what world will consider a psychological strength...  I know it's not solitariness that am going for. Instead once again am making a cocoon for myself. Why do I do it always over here?

Now the blue red star is out. Even that seems dull - at least up till now.
I actually finished half a bottle of water just now.
Hey 3... Sup? We really need you today. Can't think of anything in my writings today. It is not mandatory bit have nothing is substantial even otherwise. Let me go downstairs first though.
Don't know why. OK! We can fetch coffee and again come upstairs if we'll feel like. Though the weather is quite nice right now. And the clouds have spread themselves in waves or silk creases all over my head.

While making coffee just now, I was about to tell you that I pass... That I don't have enough strength today and I am tired and would rather sleep. But then I remembered Dronacharyas lesson to Arjuna in Mahabharata today. He said that a real Kshatriya , rather the best Kshatriya never gets tired or sleepy. And hard work along with will are his tools. Though am not a Kshatriya so I don't necessarily have to follow these norms to be the best. But then, I feel, I today's time, an individual has become a miniature of yesterday's society. All roles are in one. So am equally a brahmin, a Kshatriya, a shudra and whatever the forth categoty is. For I do all kinds of work. And society is no more divided that way. Nonetheless it still is in real life... Say as long as quota and all gonna retain, these categories will still be there .. till general gonna get so marginalised to upturn the power unit ad once again change the power equation... Or else a new system has to enter in after a catastrophe. But I am diverting I guess fro my topic... I decided to be awake and talk - was the main thing.
OK! Lemme sip it - the coffee.
3:22

I am missing Nani suddenly. I really loved her a lot. It was the first time that my matured self experienced that kind of loss. I still wonder about life and it's mysteries. How people celebrate life and mourn death and yet keep on following trends without having much idea about what they are doing and why.
Though... Kind of same for me. Specially right now that am realising. But I don't wanna pass my life even in lack if not running behind commodities. Let's see where my lines or choices gonna take me.

I couldn't stop my thoughts about the meeting I had two three days ago... Why did he inspired me to contribute more o. LinkedIn. Do I really want it. Also the company he told me to apply in. Why would he do that? When it was rather a client's firm. I was so angry with him or my situation that I took it all out on my decision of application. But should I? Why not? Am I ready? I don't know. Seriously. I don't know what I want anymore. Cosmos can't come and ask sorry from my angry soul for the accident. But my heart is heavy even in terms of travel. So am unable to choose even that with my full heart. And corporate thingies was abandoned long ago. Don't know if it will right for my soul any more.
But of course the decision is not even in my hands as yet. It has been a long long sabbatical - much more than the time I overall worked for. Also, it was he who claimed that creative person like me would immediately be selected by them. They never said anything right. What if it again wastes my day energy and money like several other interviews here in this city with offices far off in another land. Aah! I just don't know what to do. Maybe I should at least apply. Too much of struggle though. Again redoing my resume and bragging about what all I have done. It is so annoying to put stars and give fancy names to basic functions. Also once you join the way of processing changes. Everything becomes so formal. The person sitting next to you won't just come and talk and focus on getting the work done as soon as possible. Instead one is expected to get into a series of email exchanges - just in case - anyone asks your contribution.  Who gives a damn -seriously.
Aah! I have lot of anger curbed in I guess. Or maybe it's an excuse. For I am scared of losing my freedom, time, creativity, hippie me. Do I have a choice?Maybe.
Let's see.

OK... I am feeling like painting or finishing my anklet or maybe enlisting potential artists for my videos. Let me begin with one of these things. Let's jam Tomm. Just not in that mood. Love. Lots of love!



...........

16th september, 2018

Hey 2 AM
Ssup yo! It's our short excursion to Noida where am meeting you on 13th floor. The pearl buildings around... The shimmering jewelled lights... A dried blue pool with a turquoise floor in the room beside...
It's a gift - this night. Was long craving for a good conversation with a group of genuine people... And they all feel like my long lost friends - despite of our meeting here the first time.

I had to travel -literally cross borders. But I am happy in the moment. My left foot's nerve is paining intensely suddenly. Aah! How pain can suddenly distract the entire direction of a trip.
There are blue lights below on the top of pyramid roofs embracing and connecting them to the cosmos dissolved around.
Just below me is construction happening. A lot of cement. With few brick houses that in darkness can be assumed to be rock cut cottages like in Laddakh. Like in Lamayuru - the old abandoned monastery.
There are two cement strctures in the parking below. They seem like Shiva and shakti. Or maybe two wooden slippers. Or even two feet. One however is half broken. Or maybe it is partially seen.
Opposite to me also is a gigantic city. Like my empire. Or an enemy troop of red and orange lights.
And my dear friend just brought an omelette for me. I feel lucky to have such a friend. For he is so innocent, so genuine. So good at heart. Likewise are the vibes here. Such moments are so rare in cities. My nostrils are full of food's aroma. Though I didn't want to eat. But now I feel hungry. I would have rather waited though.
He is sitting beside. Sharing the moment. Alright then. 2:10.
There are white lights flickering - making one.
There is a building below in a beautiful shape kind of inclined eight. With bars - making a matrix. I like such buildings which have unique shapes. There was this bed and room in a house which had more than four walls. I loved that house just for that reason - for the shape of the bed and room.
Shadows in the dark - far far below - like action figures in a model. A giant one. With fasttrax cars parked so perfectly far below.
OK! It's a pretty picture. Few lights. Unlike the ones you see on mountains on different heights - never in mechanical perfect figures but in random abstract handmade way.
A dog runs and gets vanished here inside the mouth of a pearly rectangle . Oh! But what construction. So so neat. In perfect figures. And shapes. So rightly aligned.
I had food in our meetings for the first time. It was so damn chilly. I felt like a thump or an earthquake. Again I felt like that. Maybe it's some door inside. But I can also feel the vibrations.
Let me get some water .
Cool. I feel the need for sweet now. See..  one taste develops the other. That's how happens any action. And I feel the vibrations again.  Like series of vibrations so similar to those lights flickering in the building nearby.
OK! That was the door. Now I know. Oh! I miss the moon. Wind is here to welcome! I spoke a lot about elements today. Felt good. Felt powerful. Remembering the source again. Mother Earth.
Bhrama! Fire. With wind. In earth. With/through water.
'I give you all of me
You give me all of you'

I did some typo today. My words may come out in a haphazard way. For I missed some shift in the cursor.
I tried to rectify none the less.  However it had to be.
2:31
Some series.
2:32

There are tiny saplings and trees that I can see from here. But also a bright yellow light blaring it's bright right on my eyes.
So again I have taken back of the wall.  Again the flickering light.

There are plots around so perfectly built. And then there are plots below so much in ruins so much in constructions. Just like those macrame jewels that I make - few completely done standing with life... Fee partially begun, neglected with tangled threads.
And a car moves in a muddy field and reaches road in the model.
Movement bringeth life. Like this mosquito feeding just now on my blood.
I have been Hykujamming a lot. I feel it is enhancing my writing and thinking skills. It is making me think new ways of looking at the same things.
Also I have decided to make two jewels by tomm... One for the one I came here to meet. One for the one I will meet tomorrow. These will be my first macrame gifts after coming to Delhu. Though I gave mom the first ever dream catcher with a tree and a hanging swing in it. I will also make a swinging girl in it. If she will like. Maybe.
I think it is time for me to go today. Will catch up Tomm.
Love ya...

......

17th September,2018
Yo 2 AM
OK! Am amidst lot of things, thoughts spread around... Let me gather myself up.
Lemme may be take a sip. Or think of us. I couldn't give you enough time yesterday know. I mean we had our time but then we are used to longer sessions know.
And here am on bed, with mystic music... And nice vibes... Am in Saket.. in Dabeli I guess... Or some name that have forgotten but the place is nearby Khanpur.. to imagine I had no clue about even the existence of this place.
But the here I am.. so while coming over here I just casually read about Saket. It is south Delhi. Residential place. All highlights are either malls or gardens around. Also Qutub minar that is nearby. I really love the minaret. Have even made a video with my own couplets in background.
O ya! I just did a hair wrap for the first time. It is on a friend's locks. I feel so happy. It is a new piece of creation. Also in morning a bracelet got birth out of my heart for my other friend in Noida. It was also unique and beautiful. As I am making more such pieces, I am learning and exploring new fields alongside.
It feels so different though to share our moments in these places. Like am used to our silent solitary sessions and all I crave for at that time sometimes is time like this.
And ya! Last night all those vibrations were nothing but my friends walking quickly inside and dancing to digest mid night meals. Ha ha! I felt so silly later for I was tripping on those sounds as earthquakes and vibrations.
Am really peaceful right now. With a nice company. Though it could have been in open - our meeting even today. For I am more into outdoors. But am getting to meet you and that is what matters.
And here I have perfection blazing in my hand - and here the so wanted darkness.
Boom Shankar!

Music, aroused creativity, chilled out zone. It is but from white that all colors take birth. It is but in black that they meet their salvation. The merging of self into matter less. A noneity. So invisible and so present. Like a flash of light pleasing the eyes for a fraction of a second quick to vanish to the point of disbelief.
Last morning after our meet, we all danced in Noida.one of the guys was a wonderful dancer. I was awestruck by the expressions and emotions. By the intensity of his steps. I would love his dance to be a part of my web series. That art needs to be displayed to the world. That soil needs to express. It already does. But oh! What a beauty. I am sure the overall video will be spell bounding. Meaningful lyrics, transcending music and heart touching dance with close up abstract shots. The entire thing is in my head now.
I still haven't filled my NET form. Neither did I enlist people for the video thing. But gradually people are getting filtered in my very head. And I am making mental notes of what can be done by whom. For now, we can just focus on one or two videos. Not the entire thing. But the beginning. One step at a time.
He is giving such amazing add ons to the music beside. Picture perfect. Like two strings. Knit together yet with their own color.
Bringing out their own meanings as well as a collective meaning in the world.
One of my friends will return to Delhi tomm. It feels good when you have real life people in life to go, meet, be connected to. They give foundation to this matrix that we choose to be our reality.

Live music has its own charm anytime on my spirit. It takes me to another level for my soul gets directly connected to it.
2:30
Been long we have jammed with three know. Maybe tomm.
Possibly I will make another headwrap tonight. It is also called a Lulu. Kind of dread but more alive, colorful and with threads. The hair stay alive in this and also keep growing. I will figure out more creative ways to do it though. Also, detachable one. Say one should be able to wear them and then take them out. Like jewellery. And yes! I had got a name for my insta page which will be dedicated to this macrame jewellery - I will call it 'Alliteration'.
I will thank Haikujam again for this for the word appeared in some poem over there.
2:33
Sign!

Soon! V. Soon! My dreams. Earth will womb.

I still have pain in my neck. Maybe I should work on my postures. But then the chill.

Many doors I trespass
Many windows I peep
Of neighborhood of my childhood
To find
Maybe one familiar vibe.
To see the same face
Same smiles.
I find humans
Hasting, wasting, tasting
Individuals
Disassociated to
Any relations, places, themselves.
I knock at their hearts
Only to realize
Time has turned them deaf.
Also blind.
For they can't hear
Hearts beating for them.
Eyes craving for them.
Their can't even feel
What it means
To be themselves
Anymore.
Many doors I pass
Many windows I peep.
Of neighbourhood of my childhood
Once familiar street.
Now they have built a wall
On the remains
Of past.
That street has turned into
A parking.
And houses have changes into
Glass walled shops
Peeping back into streets.
Exchange still happens here though
Goods have replaced emotions
And I no more can call it
My childhood street.


Ha ha! Just was flowing with words. Had nothing in mind. Don't know why I wrote it. Ok! Let's try three liners. What say?

Illuminati in a single eye
Epiphany with even that closed
Key is number of switches.

Flowing locks, paddy cheeks
You are beautiful India.
Or handsome Hindustan.

Ha ha! Crazy... So I always find it funny how my country has two different names in two languages - India and Bharat and how names don't change usually with languages. I know India is derived from Hindustan. Yet, why the name change. But then, again... It's all same - religions, gods, traditions... Some agreed way. That's how facts become truths. Or ideologies become foundations.

OK my love! Gotta go. Though would have loved to carry on our conversation. For sure - tomm.

Take care you! Love you!

.....

18th September, 2018
Hey 2 AM... Yo my love! Am again in Noida - same place. My friend called me again and we do have a traveller's connection to say No to it. I had to come.
So here I am... Again gazing the architectural marvel from this height. We were all dancing. They played some Banarasi folk music initially and then a better genre got played where I was able to contribute.
Today, it is different. There is less stability in me. Lot many thoughts and energies. It's consecutively third unplanned trippy day. And I have surrendered to the flow. Staying were I feel happy and avoiding what should be done. But then it is I who has the choice and has to decide - every time. It is I who has to be happy. If I am happy in a moment why would I want to change it unless I have to. So here goes the trip..
I think artistic bent is required for anyone to have empathy with the other artist and to have a better understanding of the needs and requirements of an art being expressed in a certain situation. You can't block the thought process.
It's peace though. Tomm. I will go for sure. Will try to make it in morning itself.

'I need you right now
Don't let me down
I think I'm losing my mind now'.

But having out in the outskirts of Delhi is a different feel all together. Different thoughts. Different vibes. It still feels like a vacation. Like am still traveling. In a way, I am.
The white lights are still flickering forming a one.
Do you think it is wrong of me to ask for this space or solitude when am amidst friends. Bit then this is my duty and love. Also I get happiness from it. And I give all rest of my time to them right.

Let's try couplets.

Dark night with few lights
Twinkling even brighter
Than the grey sky
With few stars.
Maybe it is dust in air
Or possibly it's a hazy night.
For my senses are numb.
Mind active.
Yet thoughts scattered.
And I am sleepy and all alive
At the same time.
There are thoughts to be processed
Things to be done.
There are flavours to be changes.
Specifics to be spun.
Yet it's all a free flow
So far. As yet.
And river wonders
How would it feel
To be an ocean!

I had amazing desi jaggery this evening - it was yum! Also sugarcane juice that I had in afternoon. Both are my love. I have a sweet tooth. And I just am just hopelessly in love with few things.
White light at this time is so irritating for eyes. It brings on the concepts of artificiality, commodity, society. It draws such a mundane everyday picture. Yellow light however is always different. It gives a cost vintage classy feel to eyes. It feels more comfortable. Best is darkness with a mild light. Like things are visible to exist yet not contrasting enough to have any ego. Emotions, sensations be their raw self then.

I miss my terrace tonight. That solitude. But again I will think of and miss these moment Tomm. - I know that.
In present moment I am proud of this one friend that I have in my life who I know I can count upon any time despite the situation. Such people are special. No matter how they are, one should value and embrace them. I have a best in Bangalore - who loves me the same. The same innocence and deep connection. Oh! It's been so long I have called her. My number is still not working. And I am not even working upon it. I mean I mentioned buying it once but there was no response. Already I had to suppress my ego, self respect and dignity to mention it and to have it get ignored was another level. I just dropped the entire idea. Whenever now!

Momcy got angry today though for ofcourse I am wrong at my part - I didn't go back home the very next day. I still sometimes feel why in India do we give/take this right to/upon other  people's life, happiness and time. I know she loves me and is concerned for my life. Bit I did inform her and wished her to be happy in my happiness. But then of course she knows better than me and somewhere in my heart I k ow she is right. But I still stick to my heart - and do whatever I feel strongly about.
2:23
It's another sign. And I had promised three today to meet. Maybe we can ensure that today. We'll try to. At least a meeting is essential - weather we interact for long or not is another thing all together.
Oh! I am loving it - how my fingers are typing and how this keyboard is not acting crazy for the first time. This phone is bit psycho I tell you. The autocorrect feature is another level all together. I don't know if they have intentionally  done it to the system - just to teach the users some patience. But only in our conversations that it gets even bearable. At all other times it seems drunk to me for it entirely changes the meaning of what I have to say. It just puts in its own words. And again the same is happening. I just typed puts as pits. Ha ha! Got that?
Time is just racing these days. It vanishes before I even realise it. The dates change just like that - so do weeks.
There is a maturity about nights - they have their own class and choices. Days are bit chaotic comparatively. Though these days my attention also notices 4 PM. And I think of you dear Tu with realisations of you being 12 hours away either in past or future.
Right now my mind is getting scattered again. In judgements and opinions both about myself and others. And an add on of assumptions of their judgements about me or situations. This process is so much a part of how society functions here in cities. All the time lot many selves acting at the same time. There are too many thoughts, opinionions, decisions that directly impact our actions and conduct with society or external world.
2:31
The Trinity. I like it how they get into different permutations and combinations.
I learned a new trick from my friend last night - trick of being a better artist. Of choosing your reality and sticking to it.
Also I realised and tried to implement a thing today - if it is not from your side - the fuck up in any interaction, don't give a fuck. Like don't let it affect you. Be comfortable and things will themselves align as you want them to happen. After all it is all about consciousness - that is what makes our reality.

Solitariness you are an old love
A connection to my self and soul
The peace within
Time for all contemplations
I don't need to hurry in my words then
Wondering about other's patience.
Also I can freely express
Disregarding any judgements.
And then the understanding
It is so clear
No point of confusion
About what to do, eat, act, think.
Yet, I tell you
There are wars that happen
Inside sometimes
Debates, tussuls, attacks.
Yet the heart stays huge and forgiving
The most
When it comes to self.
Solitude is a perfect date
In heaven
For you are with perfect
Companion.
That provided
You like your own company.
And trust me, only then
That anyone can like you
For self love is essential
For root to connect
To branches or even stem.
And it is all inter dependent from then.
Origin however is selfish
Holding on to that single morning dew drop
In the middle of leaf's palm
Which is slippery
Yet strong
When it comes to love.


The blue lights are jewelled in the building below even tonight. I feel parallel to the sky at this height.
Though staying in Noida or Saket makes people's life easier with reduction of travel time. But honesty the roads are so so dusty and daytime intolerable over here. With all the heat and dust and hardly any boulevards or trees around. There are parks and gardens yes. But they stay independent in their own ego or constructed walls and just don't participate in making it all a livable happy picture for me. Somehow the life seems missing. But of course one can always switch in the AC inside a a curtained closed tiled posh room and be happy about life. Or even the portico offers splendid architecture and far stretched grandeur of city life. Yet, it fails I be alive. Despite of all the lights - flickering, illuminating, bathing buildings around craving or claiming possibility of life or for surely some  human doing.

'Don't you worry child
The heaven's got a plan for you'.
2:48
Tu. Tu square. Tu cube.

I miss moon today. Have been missing him immensely from yesterday - I don't know why. Even when I did that hair wrap I thought how it would have suited his locks. Also, if he would have gone for it. But he is in some other pages. Yet I can think of people I love and send them love from my heart right. Have no other expectations from him. I k ow he has his own course like Silver had. Like I have.
Yet I am happy few dots came in my lifeline no matter few times in the gyres or for limited time but they were their and the colors reached that level of union at some point of time.

People, they all understand
You just gotta be patient
With your temper and reactions
You just gotta give them time
Like you would want
To give your best
To any session
With any art.
You just gotta practice.
And retain the patience.

It was nice meeting with my fiend yesterday and today in Saket. Tough the area has vibes of another world all together. Like you would have to rethink before leaving for rest of the world seems to be at another corner of the world. So is the case with this place. This too has entire different vibes. Tomm. I will make the journey though. I will surely sail my ship. Ha ha!

Delhi, such a small dot. Yet your strings are so far. How to play you?
And a voice replies from within, 'in a pattern!'

The silhouettes of distant guards standing below, the laughter coming from the other portico. The Friends rotating around, for they are waiting for me to get free. The dim lights shimmering in the distance. The pool below and the magnificent turquoise floor. It is all a happy picture. And there is good music in background that my friend is playing inside the hall.
This house though is so my kind of place. I don't like mcuh furniture. It hampers my flow of thoughts. Instead I prefer low heighted beds or even mattresses on clean floors with all stuff kept inside almiras - that too only essentials. Walls though need to be artistic in my vision. Maybe with colors or with pictures or a play of lights. One day I will surely create one such place.

Hey 3. Have been waiting for you. OK! Won't stay for long but Tu and I really missed our sessions and the long chilled out conversations we have.

Diamond lost in mud
Pearl hidden in sand
Talent enrouted in struggling artist
They are all the same
Useless
Till someone finds
Them and values
Their value.
And support is given
For the diamond to be casted
The pearl to be knitted
The talent to be converted into
A piece of art
A product
To be consumed
By others
Till then
We are all but
Dust particles
Same energies
Derived from
Some common source
Where years ago
Once we were all
But a single piece of moss.

Bye bye both of you. Will go now! Love. Lots of love. It's a lovely weather. Pleasant one. Enjoy full power.

......

19th September, 2018

Hey 2 AM, how are you? Seems too long that I have met you - for after three days I guess that am on my own terrace talking to you. There is no electricity for there is some issue with society's electric sockets. And just two days ago that I told a friend that I am now no more used to power cuts for electricity is always there at my home.
2:02
I feel different today. Like an energy loom will open up in the sky and absorb me in and it will be a different world from this one all together. Like that room of Mario where he goes inside to collect coins. I would love to have great moments inside. In a way last three days were roughly similar - like a vacation in n everyday life.
Orion is already out in the sky. To imagine it is after three days that I have seen few stars.
I am thinking of a house I recently visited. How dirty it was. More than dirt I think it is the mess and garbage that makes a place even more clumsy. Though I generally prefer a little bit of mess but without dirt or garbage. Just the mess makes it cosy like a house has been lived in... Bit garbage surely makes it intolerable. It also shows a lack of respect that a person has for his own self or people visiting him. But again, it can be a reflection of a person's inner state as well - say, how disturbed a person is in order to have a place as less taken care of. But there are things that come as part of regular practice - tiny things which express your attitude towards things, life, people. I am none to judge though for try as I may, even I fail to stay clean and sorted... Yet it has never been that bad. But maybe it is but a practice in someone's life... Maybe my level of clean and comfortable be very different from someone else's level. Maybe it is comfortable for them. But I get affected big time.
I feel feverish again. The entire evening I just slept big time. I am also thinking of my friends from past three days... What they must be doing right now or thinking.
Just finished a coffee. It wasn't as great. But that's the best I could do with no electricity and no time for I thought I was late for our meeting. I wasn't though.
Feeling like another kash-up.

Don't have much battery in my phone so can't play music.but I feel like it. And just last night that there were friends playing good music behind and night previous to that I was in good company with him playing guitar beside. Crazy how we keep waltzing between time tablets... How we keep oscillating between memories and fantasies.
I feel cold tonight. Should I go downstairs. But there is no electricity... Not even any sound of AC or fans in rooms to cut any eering silence... Not even music to divert myself from I don't know what.
Why are we always looking for either focus or diversion? How limited are we in terms of our control on our minds or emotions. How dependent and helpless as well. Also, I capable to change our very version of reality just by controlling our minds.
2:21
2:22
And you in multitude dear Tu.

Opposite to me is a society where from a certain flat two three guys often exchange vibes with me middle of night. For I often notice them noticing me. Sometimes in my lonely hours and such acts I wonder won't it be great to chill together. Maybe it's an office or Someone's home.
I am not sure. But that house has it's beautiful mild yellow lights on throughout nights sometimes and I feel there is more life to the society that. People sleeping all around.
There is a cat wailing and getting furious downstairs. Reason of course unknown. Earlier I used to freak out with all this - looming stories about why they must be crying..  for I know that cats or many other animals are bit mystical and exotic and that they come to know about natural calamities or anything supernatural much before humans.
The magic star is out again. Been a long time know. I don't have much battery in this phone but I hope we can talk a bit longer. Though have also fetched a diary and a pen but I would rather prefer here specially at this time in this kind of light.
I suddenly remembered my campus days where I had shifted and had bought an induction for the first time. I was so new and kiddish. All my friends were there as well sharing my excitement of cooking for the first time on induction. Also that all were hungry and I was about to make rice for the first time there. Ha ha! I had filled 3/4 utencil with raw rice for everyone told me that they were shit hungry and I just wanted to make ample for all. For hours we kept trying to make them - adding on more and more water..  lol.   It was stupid of me but sweet of them... For they still had it with love - the uncooked rice. I miss my friends sometimes. But then I have new ones. If it is possible. Sure is.
2:40
And today when we could have actually jammed with three for long, I am running out of battery. Maybe it is anyhow wrong for our time has to end before three... But I keep on stretching it. As if you gonna run away. But of course... I know we have but a month.. to imagine it is only 19th... Hardly 11 days left. How time flies.. so many changes in just past 19 days... Like it seems another life already.. I don't know how people hold o. To grudges for so long.   I forget so many things in the course of my life - for I get so much into living in the present.
My phone is finally back with me. Nobody could repair it. I had always found a parallel between it and I. Every time the screen had got shattered, just before or after that I also got injured. Now that it is is unrepairable I wonder what's in store for me. I was feeling bad looking at it. It has travelled all over the country with me. Mom had given it to me three years ago. I used it so so much. Now none can repair it. The lights turns on but I can see nothing on screen. I have no option now but to buy a new one. Don't know how I will manage.

Darkness in very soul
Absorbed, planted,rooted, grown.
Here, watch the first sapling.
It will soon bear fruits
Colored ones.

 OK love! Let me get downstairs. 4% battery is giving me a psycho. I will hate the sudden cut off. Would rather say bye properly on my own. Still, if I will get electricity and be in mood still to interact downstairs, I would surely knock my heaven's door.
Love you my dear Tu.
Off I go!
.........

20th September, 2018

Hey my love
My dear 2 AM. It's beautiful to see you exchanging places with zero in the date today. 20th that it is. Still you are here - for so long. Aah! I feel every micro second with you in the otherwise timeless lifestyle of mine. Every time I consider doing a corporate job, this is the biggest obstruction - the sacrifice it requires in terms of my time. I may waste it sleeping or during but to do anything but artistic seems a big time compromise in terms of the artist or art in me.
None the less, some kind of job has become essential now. Just to earn the basic resources. Even the basic resources - in terms of art that I wanna produce.

'I got a river for the soul
And baby you are my boat
Baby you are the only reason.
All my life you stood by me
When there was nobody beside me
With your love nobody can drag me down'

I think I can dedicate this one to art.

I am bit anxious today - like everyday though..But today moreover about career.like everyday.
Aah! I hate this term. Hate anything in routine.
 And here comes a bat.

'Lemma shoot across the sky'

I made a new neck piece today in light blue color. It has copper beads with three tiny blue shells.

People make progress even that can be displayed with better designations, stability or gadgets. How do I show the experiences I had while travelling? How do I promote my art? Marketing is surely the solution but prior to that my content should be of that quality and refined and processed as well. Also the packing and selling points need to be focussed. All that needs basic resources that I lack. And cycle rotates itself. Have to join the regular work if I have to do it all on my own. I wish no other artist faces this situation. Yet I know, every artist goes through it. Talent and luck are two different things.
I am dancing along today - do dance with me love.
'Bailando'

Aah! Am sweating! Sometimes any random songs can just sync you in. Maybe it because you were part of it. It was we totally grooved to the music. Too hot! Too sweaty... And I am loving it.

'everybody wanna steal my girl'

And I had just taken a bath prior to our meeting. But a thought of dancing my hollowness out gave me lot much energy.

'give it to me I am worth it'

Ha ha! Such a beggerly feel. But you are the time. You are cosmos. The consciousness. Whom to ask if not you? Can you guide me the right way. Can you at least help me implement my very own ideas? Being a Virgo it is bit frustrating to have so much patience. Yet you have changed me so much already. I have handled it all for you gave me the strength. And you only made me stronger than my circumstances881 by giving me new challenges every time. Help me. Not with challenges bit with strength. Not just in my happiness quotient or the days I have in peace but also where I can contribute to the society in a more significant manner.

'when you look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide.
Don't get so close
It's so dark inside
It's where my demons hide
I can't escape it now
Unless you show me how'

Blow it back yo!

'How we danced all night
On the best song ever'

'Oh! I think I found myself
A cheerleader
She is always right there
When I need her'.

Wonder, do people really value such people these days? For unknown and unconquerable is what fascinates humans. It is always about hoisting flags on new territories or making it one's tyranny.

Mahabharata says, one should not have 'ahem'... Or ego.... But self respect kind of is basic know. What if people hurt that. I think it is expectation that is to be blamed here. One should just love without any expectations. No conditions at all. Just love. With all it's intensity. No planning. Yet world fucks such people up big time. I am one of them. But then again, expectations are what disappointed me. I could have loved them as it is - I should have embraced their loveless,selfish, lusty, mean, egoist selves. I did. Still do - all of them I have ever loved. For those are not the qualities I ever noticed at first. I rather fell in love with their souls, their vibes, them. And of course good qualities as well. But people keep changing with time and circumstances. I shouldn't judge or limit my judgement. My heart should be open. So many shoulds.
To be honest I have turned really mean on the contrary. I say things bluntly on people's faces. No more waste my time in courtesy or listening to sad stories of people having other means. I cut things short. Talk only when I feel like to whomsoever I feel like. Just this morning I was quite rude in a casual comment I passed to an irritating aunty and felt quite happy after finally giving her a remark first thing in the morning that she must have understood later on and had got furious. There is this entirely other dark self inside me that behaves totally out of my control. I don't even get the time to contemplate my actions and they are already done. I randomly tell people on FB to unfriend themselves judging them on maybe a cheap joke or as basic a thing as 'how's u'... Lol! I tell people on FB that I don't get good vibes from them sometimes. Who the fuck does that. I read it later. But in that very moment I just feel this pleasure to cut issues at the nub. Though these days I wonder if they are all really issues or has it become a habit or maybe my demons have overpowered me.
For I many a times am even aware of my spontaneous random reactions yet I let it all flow for I just so strongly feel like it. Feel like insulting some people. Really? And this is the same I who believes in respecting all and be a good human at least from my side. I have been such a strong believer of humanity and empathy and things like 'people are products of their situations'... I do understand it all, yet at those moments, I just say it - on their faces - whatever I feel like. But it hurts me later. Yet that strange happiness retains. And I wonder which side is true? For one can't love and hate someone or something at the same time. Or maybe it is possible. Though these are too strong words for the momentary reactions I display on the actions that I react too.

'don't know if you are happy or complaining...
What do you mean when you wanna say yes
Yet you wanna say No?'

And the magic star is out tonight. I just noticed it. Soon three will also arrive. I thing today we can have our long desired moments.

Oh... This one is my favorite.

'It's been a long time
Without you my friend
And I tell you all about it
When I see you again'

I always think of silver at least once with this one. Don't have any fucking clue about him and his whereabouts right now. To imagine, I love him so so much. To imagine I miss his vibes so much. And it has been years. Don't know how much we have changed from there. I have for sure. He must have also. Will we click the same way now? It seriously doesn't matter anymore. For I never expected him to be here with him. I always knew he was supposed to go. Yet the first year of separation where I often wondered my meet with him on his return. It was so casual and comfortable - when we met again. Like two friends for all. Yet in my heart, I was meeting a soul connection. I couldn't say any of those things that had assembled for an year inside me. All I had was gratitude for cosmos to make me meet him again without any plan.all I had was this intense love for him. I just wanted to keep looking at him and not lose even a moment of togetherness.
I wish he be happy wherever he is. I hope. He must. Else, my sacrifice will be a waste. But who knows, why it happens - what happens.

Hey 3 AM. Welcome! Beena long time all three of us just Sat together with leisure. Let's make tonight worthwhile. Also it is a special date for my Tu for it is performing the entire day today along with zero.  How are you liking it so far? Glad you came! I had entered a golden memory which could have taken me to a world of sighs or what ifs. Though it doesn't happen anymore. Though I was really really happy with him once. Though I could have expanded way way better along with him. Though I so fcking cherish each and every moment we spent together. Yet, it was never mine forever and I knew it. And I still know it. Would you both like to send food vibes and love to him along with me? For I generally don't even do that sometimes to not disturb his life and make it difficult for him... Sometimes in my void of that teeny veeny repressed emotion or expectation of him missing or calling me some time. Bit that was past. Has to stay there. Else the sighs may fuck my present. And I won't let that happen.

'I hate you
I love you
I hate that I love
Don't want to
But I can't put
Nobody else above you'

But I actually love that I love you for you taught me how well two humans can connect. You gave me the enlightenment of real soul union!

'How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man
The answer my friend
is blowing in the wind
Yes, and how many years can a mountain exist
Before it is washed to the sea '

I love this one. OK! Let's jam then. What say? I really.lpve this idea where the term jamming is connected to poetry for me now.

I don't think I can write with Bob Dylan in background for sure though. I will keep on listening to him instead..
'Don't think twice, it's alright'
'You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kind of wasted my previous time'...
Ha ha! Such chaud! Also, such pain. Yet the strength.
And I love harmonica anytime. I miss my mouth organ now.

'caught in a loom of my own thoughts
I wonder wherefrom
You became my only thought!

Looking at the bright blue star
I trip on hearing you
From far far away. Are you?


Maybe you love me. Maybe
You don't. Maybe it is concern.
Possibly, it is nature's flow.
But despite of it all
I love you.

Strings gently caressing
The softness of keyboard
With wind flowing through flute.
Only you are required.

Under a roof of stars
With good music in background.
You coming? Chill! Have my mind full of thoughts.

3:26
This is unison.
Isn't it fun? Haikujam taught me a new thing for sure - writing short poems. Being brief! Being a shocker. A thriller instead!
Some Rock and roll in background. I haven't explored this genre much I guess.

3:30 more poetry? What say Tu?

My dear you
I am your zero
You are my Tu.

Ha ha!

'and another one gone
Another one bites the dust.'

With such compositions, another moment bites the dust.

'are you happy?
Are you satisfied?
And another one gone.
Another one gone.
Another one bites the dust'

OK... Something original now.
3:33
And all I can think of is 'one love'
Dafq! Ok.. let me play something instrumental. I like such tracks.

Boom Shankar!
Towards end? Huh! It's an ongoing story - every moment.

camels in a thirsty desert
lost soul tripping on mirages
That's me.

You cosmos has the power
To enhance my art and give it
A body! Be with me.

You Mr. Know it all
You miss do it all
You the union of them
Inside me.
Gather!

They become demands
When timed! Also pressures.
Embrace if you want to.
Better still - escape them.

Till when will you escape
From time or your fate
Planning on challenging notions?
You gonna love the make out!

Single tap of wooden stick
On smooth surface of drum
The percussion. That's beginning.
The count one.

Lady in white. Lady in red.
Are all old notions.
Raw is the new red.
Bare is the new white.
Time we value authenticity.
Time we see reality.

Reality is but illusion.
Framing a part of endless.
Are you ready to know
That you know nothing.
That this is all
But an illusion?

Time - such a construction.
Varies with value we instill.
Time - so real
It carries you nonetheless.

Do you think I should resume my novel. Aah! Too much in hands. Yet I do nothing. Seriously, I give my time to entirely random things and people. Why? Often I wonder - why? When I k is my priorities why do we always choose something else?Maybe that is what is important. Maybe I just fail to comprehend.

Life it is strange. Reasons unknown.
Destination self drawn.
Yet the roads take all highlights
In a person's personal time.

Some poems can be read in a loop. I like them then. Like a For Next statement in Basic. Or like a loop to be played eternally.

OK both of you.. will take our leave now. Will probably take on the poem I have to write for that amazing dancer. That guy's life story is what I have to weave through my poetry. give me strength.
Lots and lots of love to both of you. You know how I wait for you. How, you have become my utmost priority dear Tu. How I crave to jam with you and three.

The magic star is so brightly lit with its blue and red. Like Shiva and shakti blessing me from above.
Love you both... Off I go!

..................

21st September, 2018
Hey my dear 2 AM
We have a golden moon in sky. It is reddish gold. Like fire. Like a diamond - so shimmery. Only orange one. With a fierce glow.
Been long time know that we had moon amidst us? Have we shared it - moon? For it was raining or cloudy always in our earlier meetings.
2:04
'Saari raat neend Na aawe
Jo ankh lad jaawe'
As I dance for moon with you my Tu.
Will you believe I slept for 16-17 hours the entire day. Though I was sleeping after two days. Still! Sometimes I just overdo it. Not like am full of energy even now. Rather I feel dull. Drained out. Don't know why. Even got mom's scolding for the same.
Oh! The moon is drowning. I don't want it to go so soon.

'I know I am super flying
Now watch me fly!'

2:12
Have dragged my chair to that corner of the terrace from where I can see Moon going till last. I just am in love with Moon. It has some specific term as well - lover of moon - lun... Something.

'I want you to be happier'

Oh! I just danced upon all four terraces of my building looking at that fleeting moon - dancing with all my passion and energy for the beauty of red.
Now that it has gone and even it's last traces have vanished from the sky that I can focus upon stars, music and maybe my thoughts. Though am too numb to think much today.
2:22
Listening to Mantoniyat. What a song! Extreme leftist but so so relatable.

Oh here you are in all your magnitude.
Woah!
'My love! We won!
I run, I run to the meadows
It doesn't matter if
Tomorrow never comes'
2:30
I will write today even the next poem . long awaited. The one for the video.
'aila aila it's my body
Give me a piece of light'

2:32
Mood - unknown.
Spirit -random flown.
What is it with me today?
Or has it become an everyday?
Always, a series of thoughts.
Random shapes. Spiritual. Occult. Stuck at times.
Also in waves.
Silent totally.
Also so chaotic.
What is it with me today?

'Dil seedha saadha tha,
Ab sanki lagta hai
Tera pata poocha kare
Khud lapata hai dil'

I feel like sleeping again.

'I believe I believe I believe
That loneliness is my disease.
I believe I believe I believe
That you are the rememdy'

Missing Andaman islands suddenly... The magical, mystical world of sea. Those corals, shells, dreamy islands. Transparent turquoise water somewhere with white shimmery sand like on Ross and smith. The gigantic rock cut structures on Neil islands with trees that seem as alive to be humans. They have different faces and body parts in their stem and branches. The underwater world of Havelock with it's mind throbbing aquarine life. And of course the limestone caves of North Andaman at Kalipur. Those sulphur caves are alive and nest Hawabill birds with their diamond shaped beautiful nests which are even used to make medicines for sugar and cancer patients. Or the red sunset of Chidiyatapu beach with sky floating in the calm waves beside beach. And how can I forget the other side of Neil islands were there is this beach which has land water land then sea. One can reach a patch of land after crossing not so drop waves and thereat night you have darkness of the world with just yourself on a patch of land with thousands of stars in sky and star fishes shimmering in water. It becomes a dream world full of stars around. And far away there would be just five mild lights in some unknown bridge assuring the only sign of the other world.

2:44
Tu, double Tu, double Tu
Like a series of mirrors in a specific shape or order.

Here comes the magic star. Or maybe I just noticed.
'I will drive all night'

How should I be next - cute or hot? ha ha! Can't believe. Such a silly question. Shouldn't judge though - just a thought. But really!? Ha ha! Delhi's effect. Yet am tempted to make two ponytails and click myself in a dark lipstick. Preferably black! Darkness unleashed. Lmao!
Will! Soon! I love crazy things. Saw someone like that today. Got inspired! Though she was in white hair. I will make my own modifications.

'Tu hi bta kaun hai tu mera
Ki zinda Hun main tere liye'

It's strange how you lose your very zeal for life sometimes. For me Travel was everything. Reason to live, lifestyle, meaning of life. After my accident I did travel. No more with same passion. Somewhere my heart got broken. Now am just direction less. Every time that it happens to me. I do something from all my heart and just before the finale, just at climax that I take a new turn and it become ground zero. Don't know what destiny has in store for me.

3:01
Oh Three you are already here. Welcome!

Windy starry night
Post golden moon
Is it your sign?

This city is segregated
Successful manipulaters, content  those in servitude, artists in lack,
What stats!

Shades of night
Difficult to define
Feel them. They rhyme.

One distant star of hope
For spirit falling on slope!
That - up there! Once! Will again!

Dollhouses are but brainwashing
Innocent minds with adult institutions. Sell toy trees and forest models. Teach photosynthesis.

Aroused senses just with a tap
Upon the centre of fish's eye
Soon an epic will take place.

Heaviness in air. Of desires and frustrations. Maybe fantasies have been
Too long repressed.

Looking out for you
Day and night
You my love - my very own soul.

Maybe Orion is a secret house
For defense training of Gods!
For they too have demons to face.

Lol! Kuch bhi..
Will get going my loves... Enjoy full on.


 .....

22nd September, 2018

Hey my love, my dear 2 AM... How are you? Isn't it beautiful - the pleasent rain drizzling all around, the windy breeze flowing, singing songs, the chilly sensations in very air... Yet my heart is so so heavy today. Again a scene at home. Don't know when will I be able to clear mom's misconceptions... Especially when my brother is standing as a wall between I and her. How much I loved him in his childhood... How much am growing to hate him or actually have got disassociated with him.  Anyway, he doesn't matter right now. These are our moments and I don't wanna spoil them thinking of him. His every word cuts my heart and his very presence is extremely negative for my very being. And it affects me big time when I am so heavily misunderstood at home. I miss being myself in Delhi. I miss my freedom to be over here. But where else. I don't know. I simply turn useless over here.
Though have put little bit more efforts in my web series. Have contacted few more people and gradually it us taking shape. I still can't convince myself to look out for a job here for I still can't see myself living here under judgements and boundations. Though, if I compare, I am probably the freeest girl in my neighbourhood. But now thatI have experience totality of it, it is simply so so annoying to get judged and bugged for sometimes no real causes at all.

Am dancing my stress out... Thinking about things... Also dancing simultaneously... About the people who abandoned randomly and returned. About people who are trying to be there but unable to. About compromises I could have made it sacrifices still required to be successful. About various parameters connected to success. About things like fate and hard work. About emotions and their utility or futility in human system. About the meaning or meaninglessness of life... Of how we are still living on, despite of all the strife... About weather it is actual pain or just our reaction or reception... Aah! Such chain of thoughts...

'Duniya choona chahe mujhko yun hi
Jaise unki saari ki saari main
Duniya dekhe roop mera ye
Koi Na jaane bechaari main!'

Such songs! To dance on such songs! Always from heart! Always!

'aisa mera dil kabhi Na tha'

2:22

'mann tera Jo rog hai
Mohe samajh Na aye
Paas hai Jo sab chor ke
Door ko paas bulaye
Jiya laage Na
Tum bin mora'

To imagine we are left with so few days to converse... And I will never be able to say it all or have enough of you.   For this is how humans are - never content. Always wanting more - more of everything. Like the freedom I desire here or love I crave for outside. We are never satisfied with what we have.
But in Mahabharata I read today that ambition is the no lethality in a king. And that a Kshatriya should never be content with what he has. His duty is to keep on expanding. Keep on doing more and more actions. He can't be passive with his life or get content. That he has o keep on contributing to the world with new actions. This happened with Yudhishshthir whereKrishna counselled him and rest of Pandavas hence for they were getting dicey about keeping a grand prayer which would have declared him as emperor.
Craving for a good joint today. Haven't had at all today.

I don't know what is correct - if one should record moments or not... For anyhow life is fleeting and it won't repeat. Also none cares about other's life more than his own life. Why bother recording then. When do we have time to look back? Anyhow memories worth retaining will retain in mind. But then, also that we forget. Maybe they aren't as special.
Oh! I can see so many clouds racing suddenly. And again they dissolved facing a flight coming from opposite direction.
2:40
Time passed just like that today. And it is not at all passing somehow - so stuck do I feel. Wait! Let me come back in a minute..  but oh the breeze! Should I maybe smoke a cigarette instead and break my own promise of three years... For anyhow mom misunderstand me. But what about the promise to self? Bit I did take a puff few days back.   Why am I thinking in such limited lines? Where is the will? Have I given up in front of life? Have I surrendered to the downs? Aah! Maybe a joint... But till when? Isn't it postponement? Of what? I keep waiting for the unknown having no fucking clue of the exact date or the grand change. And even when I decide to bring changes right away -I don't know what to do... Have listed out few things... Still not doing... Just the idea of getting into them is not at all pleasing... Like an email I just now received. Some job in Faridabad in some medical company. I just can't see myself selling medicines even if digitally. I am an artist dear cosmos - spare me from all that. Once I so loved all that corporate life..  but seriously..  medical line... That too in Faridabad... I never feel good about all these dusty concrete places may it be Noida, Gurugram, Saket or Faridabad...
Bangalore was epic in terms of a city, work culture... But then the very purpose of working fails - I being with my family. Sometimes though I doubt my own decision of coming back for the sake of love. For their love is so conditional and so is mine. None of us can sacrifice our expectations. Why not? What is is it that we have held so close to our chests to abandon those whom we love the most?

Am wondering should I continue even today or go like yesterday. I just am getting more and more silent. Am again getting into a cocoon... I don't wanna enter into depression like earlier. What is it with me? Why do I always turn like this at home? My folks love me a lot. My home is much better than so many. I should rather feel lucky to have so much in my life..  yet I always doom in misery over here. And it has always been like this.  Ever since we shifted here or I got my own thought process. I don't understand this split. This extreme love and repulsion at the same time. This missing home and not wanting to lose other craving to run away from it at the same time. I have picked up both the calls at different times. But the split always remained with me. Always!
I have always been an emotionally unstable child at home. Even outside. Rather I felt abnormal till along time in my childhood for I couldn't befriend people of my age. This craving for friends has always stayed with me... Despite of flood of people in few phases of my life. But then... When we don't know about our origin or reason for life .  Who are we to judge the quality or characteristics to it. We just have something random and we have to do our best in it. Just I fail to understand why.   And even when I consider quitting it, it is so deeply conditioned in my mind that it is wrong and in some other birth I again have to face the same circumstance again. Lol! What deep shit.

Hello 3!
'How does it feel
To be out on the road
No direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone'

Am actually glad that people are not much into reading these days... For they would have got confused between my two entirely opposite selves here and on other platforms. But somehow they both are entirely true.

Everyone has a split self
They show it sometimes
Or hide it in attic
But it exists. It exists.

Darkness my friend
You have rain in hand.
Splash your depths around.

Silver leaves amidst rainy breeze
Middle of night performing!
I am applauding.

Bye bye my dear Tu. Catch you tomorrow. Love you!

.....


23rd September, 2018

Hey my love... Been 1 minute of your arrival. Am in Noida.
2:02
Aah! Time is running so fast today. OK. Give me like 2 today.
Am with a friend here in some other society from last one. it is 19th floor. M moving downstairs now, just for the thrill of it. Because my friend thinks I will get better feel with you down somewhere in the society. For this balcony looks into another building and a pool and some good view only towards a corner. Anyhow it is already fun -this short excursion. Quite windy today. Can feel the breeze on my face. The modern street lights. Red and grey tiles. Two shadows walking upon the well lit cemented architectural marvel.
My web series is one step ahead in its formation. Have got few writers, musicians, camera, cinematographer, sound card, Mike, a guy with audio techno how, two three themes, dancers, few people who know few instruments well.   For beginning I guess these things are enough. And as I am meeting people here and there, I am getting more and more contacts.
Ooh! The sky is clouded. And I can see so so many buildings wombing a huge Patch of green.
And this street is just epic - boulevard after a long time. This lane is quite broad with occasional cars and a tennis court beside.
I got myself clicked. Just to capture the moment and beauty of this place. And I am meeting those dollhouses tonight - guards of society still active and alive.
 'Cleanliness can be defined as the purest emblem of humankind'
- just read it on a hoarding board.
I am walking and talking to you. Quite an experience. Feeling happy. These are steps of content.  On the ground beside foundation for another appartment is being dug. There are iron pillars arising from very earth.
We are looking for a place to sit now. Some bench to just chill - here in Palm Olympia. Wide balconies are sketched in perfect geometry around. Such skyscrapers. Wherever that I see, there are buildings forming their own horizon with sky.
They are brown, cream, all earthy shades of the buildings. Like color was extracted out of them to make them classy or some thing. Reminds me of one of my own poems - 'The oak tree' . I wrote it in Manali. Maybe I will share it with you later. I will paste it here. Would you want to hear it my love?

2:20
By the way I forgot to mention yesterday at 222 that even the date was 22 and that there were five of you. These days repeated numbers are happening way too many times in my life. And not just once or with just few numbers but most of them in a patters. They just enhance in their vibes and magnitude.

I don't know what happens to me at home though - why do I get so short tempered, irritated and reactive. Wherefrom do I gain such attitude and judgemental self there. I am the same right - yet here I am all peaceful with my sane mind. But over there, there is always some strange anxiety. Am always caught in some confusion, some either or state, some guilt... I always feel burdened there of some dark feeling that even I can't decipher.

And my friend is walking in a distance bowling an invisible ball in the shadows of night. It's nice to see him walking carefree. He is a genuine friend. Despite of his sometimes annoying acts, I know he is a good friend and I can always count on him.

This moment though is like I have entered a video game setting. Everywhere there is some kind of matrix - lit at times, walling lights at others.

'Never shoot across the sky'

Towards my left I can see a building with it's porticos grown in a crazy symmetry - like leaves grown on a branch or a mountain wall of Laddakh with it's unique pattern.

Boom Shankar!

I just can't stop thinking about home.
2:32
'Don't let me doesn't

There is a rapper that I have been in contact with. He stays here nearby. Will meet him tomorrow. He has a beautiful song also I wanna put in music with his help in one of my poems.
And then just this evening that I met another beautiful voice at the flat I visited. We jammed for a long time. It was so pleasant - the time. Also that I got into a decent conversation with another guy about religions, politics. He wasn't a muslim yet had quite enlightening points about that religion. He gave me a new perspective to look at that system or that institution of living. As per him, 'Muslim religion is one of the best in the world. Son is always smarter than father. Since this religion came later in time, hence it has all the lessons of previous times. That Hinduism was written when there was lot of water in earth. And Quran was I stead written by prophet Mohammad in desert -hence the lack of vegetarian dishes, the saving of water in their washing of hands the other way round, in their love for moon - for nights are more tolerable in desert area than facing sun. That it is not in opposition to Hindus that Muslims stood up. Instead they had their own reasons for every thing. Pigs are not eaten there not to oppose hi did bit because they consider pigs not worth eating for they eat shit. That getting married amidst cousins doesn't kill scientific fact of same DNA's weakening the future generations for even they don't get married to their direct relations. That they prefer to marry their daughters with cousins because they want them to go in a well known household.
That there is nothing specific about loving cow's meat but it is just food for them -those who wrote things in a desert. That it is bit misintepretation of Quran and obliviousness of people that brought the community to it's present level of defame. However, a person who reads namaz 5 times a day, actually gets connected to positive vibes 5 times a day if he/she is aligning from heart and that they are the purest of souls for they can't go wrong.'
Now I don't know about authenticity or correctness of his facts but it sure was a refreshing outlook towards them.
Sky is red and grey today.

This morning also, whether was quite epic as I was reading Mahabharata on my home's terrace. It was the gambling scene where Yudhishtra got so duped by Shakuni's vibes to lose his all - his kins, even wife - with the mad rush of winning.
Also, I was dazzled at how much importance do our mythological stories lay on fate. Like Yudhishtra tried his level best to not get into any position of enemity with his cousins yet since it was fated, so even his good gestures became a kind of catalyst of the war.
He knew he shouldn't have accepted that offer of game yet he couldn't say No for three reasons. One, he was a Kshatriya and it was wrong to turn down any civil invitation. Second, he didn't want to say no to a gambling game for he too was partially fond of it. And third, he didn't want to displease his cousins by saying No.
Crazy know, how all our good intentions too can't bear the right fruit. That time does what it has too.  That just at the point one's mind may make a choice that may/may not be good for him.

We have changed our seats now.
It's weirdly wonderful to look above and gaze into a zero formed amidst skyscrapers and get lost in the abyss of grey filled in between so much of creme. Darkness can clearly be seen here. Also clouds.

This friend am siting along - we have also travelled together at couple of places. In a group, on our own... Different trips. We have experienced West Bengal - Kolkata,Digha beach, Udaipur beach and even Talseri beach with it's unknown beautiful sandy beaches at Orissa border. We have boarded on random trains without tickets, have travelled in general compartment sharing the luggage seats, and have explored Odisha for days - random temples and artistic lanes. We have played games in Chattisgarh and danced on beaches and temples of Odisha. Have walked throughout the lanes of Tamilnadu - Auroville and Pondicherry. Have chilled on mountain cliff beside temple of Trichi, have spent a Holi in Thanjavur, have explored Khajuraho temples together. Have even slept on roads of both Bhubaneswar in odisha and Kovalam of Kerala. Kerala trip was entirely different Alon with him. We have even shared time in my love - my old manali. I took him to my spot there. Quite a connection. Travel bounds people in a unique and beautiful way I feel. you reach another level of connection. There is no relationship shit, no expectations or duties of even friendship. But a very chilled out and pure travel connection. We have seen each other at our best and worst and whenever we meet, we can be ourselves - no matter how stupid or how bright. We dance, chill, talk and are just there at different halts of our journey. No, we are not even in regular contact. I like such bonds. There are very few people with whom I share such connections. Few are married now and our equations have changed. I don't get it sometimes. When a connection is so pure, why do you suddenly have to hide, feel guilty about it. Why can't connections be openly embraced despite of gender or social positions. Why don't people have so much of intensity or guts in their feelings or purity in their connections. Or even if they have, why is everyone so worried about judgements. This is one thing I like about him - he is s carefree as I am. A bit more rather - to the point of botheration for others sometimes. Ha ha! But he will understand. He is Innocent and pure and bit immature. At least untouched by popular vices. Though he has his own shortcomings. Even I have. Everyone has.

Alright my love. I will go now. Even three is here. Yo Three, couldn't say Hi today. Ssup?
I have to go through now. I will catch on tomorrow.
Loads of love 

• ..........

24th september, 

Yo my love, my dear 2 AM

It's such a nice weather. Have just come on my terrace. Let me get comfortable though for it is ll wet here post rain and I still have to roll and stuff for we have just come back from nani's house and after that I need atleast 5 to fix up everything.

2:02

Aah! You are fleeting swiftly dear time. Wait! Just wait! I don't want my coffee to get cold.

2:04

Chair kept. Let me also play something.

2:14

Yo! Boom Shankar! 

So, I returned back home from Noida this evening again to go to nani's place with family. It was fun. I passed out with my cousin's after having a hefty meal though. My brother hates it though - whenever I be a part of any family scene. He corrupts everyone's minds against me. If I get happy somewhere he gets upset about it. I don't get it.

It always feels great to meet my cousins though. They are all very very intelligent kids. And my cousin sisters are both love. 

I get those rare girly moments along with their teenage selves and this feeling of being an elder sister to them just fills me with great sense of being. I can see my younger self in their teenage selves sometimes. 

Noida was fun last night. I am still thinking of those lanes where we met. Also after our meet, I went for a mid night ride with my friend to have tea from a chai stroll at 4 AM. I love to chill ay those roadside tiny chai shops. Also I love it when world is partially awake at night. I got so so happy just with that short ride, the highway, the vehicles running on it and different people stopping by at that unobivious hour.

2:22

Woah! Just caught your multitude!  Oh! I will miss you dear 2. But oh! I have been even living between so many binaries past entire month. Just a week left for our meets. I am already so much used to you. 

'Bahe naina, bhare more naina'

There is a strange loom of sadness here - like a lump in my throat - reason unknown.

I tried my level best to meet that musician both yesterday and today. He simply didn't come. I need one guy with audio tech know.

2:30

'The answer my friend is blowing in the wind'

Maybe I should use my contacts of college time. Also this thing again, that again these videos won't pay me immediately, rather will be more on my expenditure. Yet, I so wanna create them. Aah! Wish I had more resources and less emergency or urgency. 

Today, in a conversation with my cousins, I got to learn something new. They had attended a workshop where they were told that along with five major element there is one more - consciousness. That each element represents something. Earth - roots, fire - servitude, water - creation, air - music, ether - every sound or creation and consciousness they didn't say. Guess it must be the awareness of them all. 

And there I remembered all my childhood visions where all my dreams and eye closure moments, meditation sessions , imaginations - they were all full of visions of water and it's power. I have written so many diaries dedicated to 'Jal' my imaginary beloved. It was creation already open in my spirit. 

And I suddenly got the reason behind my intense obsession with art and creativity. Even when I was a baby, I has similar features. For not only my digits used to be other way round but instead of writing 4 I used to make a flower in the boxes given. My paintings, even with crayons always had rainbow shades. That a single cow never had a single create or normal kind of color. Instead it had all the colors I used to have with me. 

I remembered the clay portraits I used to make, the craft bag I carried, the poems I have been writing even before age nine, the paintings I have been into, the cassettes I used to record with my voice and songs even in childhood. I am an artist. And I for sure lack resources. And after visiting my friends yesterday, I have atleast got free of one burden - of maintaining the lifestyle my family lives with. For I met a guy there from a good family background het he had not taken a single penny from his home, instead was making his own life on his own. So ya, I kind of related and suddenly was no more burdened by my family's expectation of creating it all magically. But then I know, it is high time, I should have settled in atleast one field of my life. But it is all chaotic. And it feels bad when people randomly suggest you things to do, jobs to go for...I mean, I get their love and concern, but it still feels a wakens position to be standing at that platform where people on their own feel -you need help. 

Maybe I do. But it is just not happening my way - if that even exists.

Aah! It's a lovely weather. 

'Bhar mujhe bahon mein

Le duba chaah mein'

It feels nice when people around me take care of our meets. I feel their love for me for they respect my dedication to us and help me ensuring it.

Aah!I really want to make momsha happy. Want her to be proud of me. Want her to be content with her sacrifices and life. I love her so much. The most in the world.

Everything is clean after rain here. It has been drizzling from yesterday but while I was coming - it rained full on!

I am feeling like rolling another one. But no. Oh ya! One of friends, the one who stays in Saket, whom I visited that day, he made kickass sketches after a long time today. I was dazzled by his art. What strokes. What finishing. Perfection with shades. So mild, so realistic - the shades - even with basic pencil colors. 

I loved his art. 

This morning I jammed a lot with one of the guys at that flat in Noida. We simply sang - so many songs... Without judging... Rather discussing - how to be better at it. I could sing at his pitch and it felt good.

There are no stars or moon visible in sky tonight. Just clouds. Tomorrow is full moon and a special one. I don't know why it is always clouded whenever there is some special kind of full moon or eclipse.

'marhami sa chand hai tu

Dil jala sa main andhera

Ik tujhi ke liye hai

Neend meri

Khwab tera'

I have heard this song for the first time.

Yo 3. Sup man!Been a long time I've given you time. Have nothing to offer but time today. I am sure you value it. Tu and I always love jamming along with you.

'kachchi doriyon se 

Mainu tu baandh le'

Oh! This song is love - both in lyrics and rhythm. I wish for an overnight magic where I suddenly get a good voice and I learn the art of singing from heart with vibes to heal hearts.

One day I will sing so

Will move hearts' sorrows

And wipe them clean

Giving a new layer

Of compassion and care.

Music is a medicine for soul

Also the food for spirit.

It is the first sign of life in a dark silenced ether.

To do this or that?

To believe which stat?

Constant fear of cats!

This silly race of rats!

Wishes may seem dreamy

Fancy even at times

But sooner or later

One or more wishes 

Must come true!

In a world full of chaos

She was the wave of an ocean

Gently tapping with moist cool

Those sun dried parched shores.

Her love for him enhanced with distance

For it reached another level of existence

Beyond physical foundations - it reached eternal.

3:13

Ok! Seems good. I was missing jotting down such lines last night. Felt even more guilty when I left our meeting early to be with my friends and later had to wait outside for an hour wasting time here and there, waiting for them. But here we are. Again jamming. And last night was also happy in it's own way. One can't have everything at all times. Right?

Thinking of Himachal suddenly. Missing it. The vibes, the places. Next time I think I will go towards Parvati. It's been a long time I have visited it. Last time I think it was during a month long trip where I had even experienced snow for three four days in Pucha in fairy forest. It was ecstatic to walk on my own over there in snow of around 4 feet.  And those pine trees of fairy forest - oh they were dream like. I literally used to eat snow from branches directly from my mouth like a cow eats leaves from some plant. And then, there are those moments when wind also accompanies your thrill. Say you stand below a tree and suddenly the entire snow hanging on branches fall down just on you with wind. Like a personal storm. Like heaven or trees blessing you with power and love. 

3:20 

But for now I have to be here - I know that. I have to work on my web series. I have to. I must. I wish it turns real - the way I want it to be. For I don't wanna lose interest with patience again.

3:22

Ha ha! Just fun to watch you too juggling places.

The plants all around are winded today with a strange passion. It is contagious. I feel wombed with lot many creative seeds. Aah! Where are you earth? But that's my element as per sun sign. Moon sign is water though for me. How will the plant grow in a mixture of earth and water. Either it has to be mangrove kind or I have to change the proportion of water and earth. It has to be more of social self than personal to be focussed upon. I have to follow more of my mind than heart. But then I always follow my heart. Just the inner voice. Who is this I though? And why all this following and stuff? Why I can't I just fucking live like others do -without thinking so much about depths. But my mind - it just keeps on churning thoughts. It just keeps on building on structures and destroying them with further structures. I am suddenly reminded of Derrida. His concepts about Structuralism and it's deconstruction.

And how no matter how much we step out of a system but even to destroy it, we need another system.

'Maana ki hum yaar nahin

Lo taiy hai ki pyaar nahi

Fir bhi nazrein na tum milana

Is dil ka aitbaar nahin'

Missing my silver. Heard his voice yesterday. Maybe that's why.

I think I should go downstairs now. Though weather is perfect. See, this is how I get psychos... Say, 'let's go'... Something like an order from inside. And I immediately do it. Without any reason. It happens so spontaneously that I don't even get time to register to consider my laze or mood at that time.

So, should we move downstairs? Again inside those four walls? I am afraid I will fall asleep. But oh! My bed. I think everyone has a special connection to his bed know. Like that's one material thing that one can be proudly close to - for it always offers comfort to body and heart. 

It's getting quite windy though. And I am coughing. Let's go down. Anyhow I will no point looking for more reasons.

Am at home. I had quite a lot of food at nani's house today. I don't know why I feel extra hungry there. Like I get into my childhood self where I was fat and used to eat so much or something. I miss nani though. A lot. She used to love me so much. Nani's family is  one ideal family that I know. A joint family where there is so so much of love. All my cousins are so intelligent and full of love and respect. My maternal uncles and aunts never judge and live a life of servitude and love. There is this immense love and attachment there. Soul gets refreshed with so much of nourishment - so much of love. That is one family which became an example of living with love for me. I respect them as humans and love them as my relatives. I feel proud to be connected to such a family. And they all love me. So do I. I just don't visit them so often anymore - don't know why. 

There was some poetry competition on Haikujam today. Theme was 'I wish for'... It was great to see so many people still wishing. What a ray of hope for the world. And people wishing together. I find this app pretty creative and appreciate how they are evolving everyday. 

I will make another piece of jewellery today. Haven't made anything after that hair-wrap.

In the background is 'Mantoniyat' .. I like this song's lyrics. It's a song based on Saadat Hassan Manto's poetry.

I would like to watch this movie 'Manto'... Though usually I prefer animation af inspiring movies... But with time I am also trying to get into reality and observe it rather than living in a dream world so that I can bring some change. Until we won't accept, and observe, and discuss, how can anything we done!

But fantasy is always more fun and happy. Wish things were as good as my dreams even in reality. 

Love you both... It's time for 4 to come. Will get going now. Lots of love for you.

'Coz I give you all of me

And you give me all of you'

........

25th सेप्टेम्बर, 2018
Hey my love, my dear 2 AM... How are you. Wait. Let me go on terrace. Have a lot many things in my hands.
2:02
It is quite cold today. Still drizzling. Also there is fog. We are soon moving towards winters here. Beas is flooded in Manali. So is Ganga in Uttarakhand. Don't know where we are going. For now, I am safe here at home, in Delhi. Who knows though. Ever since I saw a bus being pulled by the flow of Beas, I have been thinking of Manali - the life and people over there. And how much do I miss it. And am concerned for it.
Nearby my society is a huge park where lot many ducks also reside in a lake. I can hear their shrilling voice at this point of time. I hope they are safe and warm. Won't they be feeling cold in this kind of weather? But then thy are birds and know how to survive in nature. Maybe I am just underdressed for this night. Also, bit turned on for the weather is so. And happy as well, for I sneaked out a while ago for a quick drive in nearby lanes along with a friend. I love going out at night - anywhere, any day... World is so so peaceful at that time and places be completely different in terms of their vibes.

Boom Shankar! An extremely tiny figment of desire fulfilled. I soon wanna watch the entire series of Mahadev. I watched few episodes earlier and absolutely loved the wisdom in it. Been a long time.
Ok! Some kind of insect is also relishing over my coffee from the periphery. Maybe it was hanging out there for the surface was warm. I winded it away though.

My throat is fucked suddenly. For chilled water, followed by brewing coffee - does that usually. Silly I am.
2:20
Oh! It's a windy windy night. And good music plugged in. Am happy! Just! Still not sorted with life. Still without phone or any progress in many complications. Yet in the moment, am happy.
2:22
Dancing! Wanna? Please do!

It is full moon tonight. Sky though has well concealed the beauty of it. For there is not even a star visible in sky, leave apart moon. And how excited was I to see this one.
And the dance made me bit warm. Kind of loving it. Dancing with the breeze.

'You are my downfall
You are my muse
My worst distraction
My rhythm and blues'

Weather has such huge impact upon our spirit. Not just internal affects external but vice versa.

I have been doing some random paintings for past few days. Nothing planned. No vision. But a random doodle of colors. And letting them develop into whatever they want to become.
My palms are craving to feel acrylics for so long. I have to do a room's wall art soon. But let's see when they call me. Also I would have to stay there for a night or two because it is an entire room they want art in. Mom needs to be convinced for the same. Art art art - says my heart.
Dude, only five days left for our meets. I was thinking just an hour ago...How will I survive now... Now that am so much used to our meetings! Of course I can express somewhere else in some other form... But you - you are special. This time I simply didn't realize - how time just passed. To imagine I was considering relocating even in the middle somewhere. Then I stayed back. And we are about to  reach our climax together. My love... I will miss us. The spontaneity of our meets... The lent out... This being free. Shared nights and tears...Dancing sessions.. moon and stars..Our magic star.. Orion... Career distractions... Passions.. art.. writings.. aah! So much to even summarize.. but just know it wherever - that I love you... And you have all my love to even spread further with whomsoever that connects to you dear Tu with same love and intensity.. help them get peace... Take their stress out - like you did mine. Be with them... And always remember... I loved you..  will still in whatever timeline... For we may not talk regularly like this... Butmay occasionally revisit our moments spent together. And I will care for you forever. Why am I saying it five days earlier to our closure - for I like to bid farewells with ample time in hands and am so bad at it that I still need some time with same love and passion before parting. Sudden separations hurt a lot. Maybe I am strengthening up my heart.

'Husne jaana ki tareef mumkin nahin'

'Tu na jaane aas paas hai khuda'

And here comes Manto. I so wanna watch this movie. Been a long time I have watched anything in theatre as well..And in college time I never used to miss any movie.

2:49
Aah! I should make sense. How is it that you make my heart flow so carelessly. I totally leave the brain part.

'Man kyun behka re behka
Aadhi raat ko'

Sweating!In this good weather! Crazy you make me. I dance like waves. Let me wash my face.

Feels better! Slow! Calm actually.
Many of my friends are going to Goa. I got so many calls. Kind of vibe pulls. This time I know I have to be here itself in Delhi for some time atleast. Have to fix up couple of things. Dear Tu, do help me do something productive with my life.

'bheegi bheegi raatein meri
Gum hain kahin rahein meri
Main tere ishq mein gumraah hua
Main wo chaand jiska
Tere bin
Na koi asmaan'

Yo 3! You have brought a fresh sprinkle of mild drizzle. And a song with water's sound in background...
'Maai, ni meri ye
Shimla di rahein
Chamba kitni door'

Missing mountains man! Aah! Thinking of Shiva cottage right beside Beas in old manali. Long back Gonzalo had predicted about this time. He had told me about it. Aah! Where are you Gonzalo? Hey Tu and Three... Do you know where is he? This cute kid with magic in his eyes and love in his voice. He called himself Ganesha. Atleast the magic star must know his whereabouts but it's not even visible tonight. But Three, don't you know it? I have spent so many days in your sphere with him years ago. I had given him my soul and senses. Bit you knew it all in your consciousness right? Tell me where is he? He has my soul. Does he even remember me?
Should we go downstairs or stay here enjoying the weather? The mild drizzle upon my bare legs and screen in the middle.

A mild drizzle
Your company
Is all I need.

To be with you
Is a pleasure of soul
For I meet solace, solitariness and union
All at once.

Wind in my tee-shirt
My every pore. Even heart.
Night seems to be part of me.

Red sky hiding a full moon
Cloudy curtains, cosmic bloom.
Wait! Fate has something else in store for you!
Rain! Here are you.

Am downstairs now! Wait let me wash my face and feet.
Am back. In the background was 'Lover in Paris'. It's instrumental and one of my favorites.
I have some obsession with clean feet. Can't tolerate my feet to be dirty. Even in hard core winter days when people try to avoid water until necessary that I wash my feet before sleeping.
It is bit heavy inside though due to humidity. Have turned on AC though. But I don't know how effective will it be.
Today in Mahabharata when Bheeshmpitama was really upset for he thought Pandavas died in a fire incident set up by Yudhishthir, He went to Ganga his mother and she told him about them being alive. Sorted know. Whenever you are upset, go to Ganga and she knows it all. Also not only Ganga was eternal but also Bhishm pitamah had conquered death or time.
So time and death were not at all his botherations. Yet, ironically, it is only for that reason he I saw him grieving... Which again wasn't necessary for Pandav as were still alive.

'I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you..
I'll make the most of the moments
And love with no regrets'

So, should we go or further jam? Hey Three! Tell me how is Manali? I have been really concerned for it's well being! I wish to do something about it. As if just my visiting it will help calming te rage down. But I do feel Old manali's pain.
Oh! I got to know a new thing today. There is this very famous temple of Hidimba in Dungri,Manali. Somebody had told me in this trip that manali is
Actually land of demons or Asuras. That Hidimba was actually a demon who got to be worshipped coz of her deeds.
Today in Mahabharata I got the link. When Pandavas had escaped Lakshagrah (house that was put on fire to kill them), they wandered in Himalayan forests for a long time. There they had met Hidimba. She was sent by her brother Hidimba to kill pandavas and bring them as food for him. Hidimba instead fell in love with Bheem - the strongest of Pandavas and helped them fight her own brother for she was in love. Later she asked Kunti to let her be with Bheem and have a child together. They blessed her and agreed. Haven't seen it further from there but dude, even pandavas were connected to this legend of Hidimba. And the temple still exists. Also in Srikhand Mahadev
That Pandav as had build stairway to heaven which still exists there though in ruins. You can't take it as pure mythology when real life places still exist of certain stories.
3:33
Likewise had I felt in Hampi when in one very ancient temple ... Almost from 1st or 4 th century that I saw so many rock inscriptions describing incidents from Ramayana. I suddenly realised that the story was actually real - long back.
Alright you two... Will get going now.. love you a lot! A lot! Mmmmuaah!

........

26th September,2018
Yo my 2 AM... How are you... Isn't it so so romantic to meet right under a full moon shining brightly upon our heads. And I have taken a bath... Am smelling nice... Hair well conditioned and spreading their aroma as I waltz and they fly in circles.
It's quite foggy today. After two days of rain, it has turned a bit cold. So am in a harram - a thin one but covers my legs... On top is still a speggattie - the bare most possible for  I hate clothes. Light blue and white - I feel nice - dancing in the night - with you on this solitary moony terrace.

Missing Goa suddenly. Maybe because after a long time that am having Bhagalpuri beauty. They are bengali. But I had bought them in Mumbai and gone to Goa from there. The packet was somewhere in my bag. In dire situations sometimes, it is all right to meet even your ex. For who else understands you better than present but your very past.
Though now it tastes bitter for am out of it's habit. It is nice to gaze at the moon filtering through smoke.

Aah Goa! All my friends are over there. Or people I know. I miss nature part majorly. South Goa is my love. North -am bored of it..  for it is always full of people and parties. South offers isolation, solitariness, crazy plateaus, clean beaches and wow sunsets.
Earlier I used to stay at Palolem in South. It has really nice silent night parties on Saturdays where you have a headphone to switch genres of music amidst three DJ's playing in front. The vibes turn crazy there without even doing anything. But with time, it is getting more and more crowded. Yet, it is nice to stay there on weekdays still... I know so many places to explore on either sides of the beach... Both the directions are meant for different reasons. One provides crazy sunrise, another kickass sunset. And yes, one can trek through full power fascinating forest ways that fishermen chose and not many know about it and reach jawdropping places.
My all time favorite place however is Agonda there. It's a tiny beach between Palolem and Cola and offers the most beautiful sunsets...  Also, till a large stretch water is not so deep there and you can just float in blue water looking at those tiny round cliffs aroused here and there in sea. It is not so expensive as well to stay there. Not so many Indians to eve tease or kill your fun or judge you. People don't believe in much clothes so I can relate all the more and can be more myself. It is also called silent beach for nome makes noise there. At night sometimes it is just the sound of waves and infinite darkness.
Another is Cola beach which is around 4 kms from Agenda. Not many know about it. Also it is way expensive to stay there. I have hardly seen any Indians there. Maximum foreigners that too very less. There is a fresh water lake as well right parallel to sea where one can go for Kaiaking and learn to swim..The place is really pretty... Only kind of sold to money. So one can visit for the beauty of it but not stay exactly.  Atleast for me, it is impossible so far being the budget traveller that I am as yet.

2:22
Moon, magic star, Orion, us.. aah! This moment is beautiful.

'paas mere hai tu har dam
Shab ke andhere mein'

Oh! The moon is looking so so pretty. Also, so many stars are visible in sky tonight.
Morning made me happy for I got to know that it snowed in Shimla last night. I was happy not just for the first snow but I also hopes for flood condition to maybe freeze up and become a temporary relief. But it is bad - the situation specially in Manali. Am concerned about it. Feeling like reaching there anyhow and just making it all right. Don't know how. Even the main highway till there is broken here and there. The crops must be getting destroyed with so much rain. I just feel it. The pain there. Like my own home is going through it.
'Roz yahi mangu dua
Teri meri baat bane'

One reason that I can think of as Manali's fault is the mass number of dogs that they killed there last year and disposed them randomly nearby the river. It had caused so many diseases as well. My Chill (a puppy more of my kid) was one of it's victims. Numerous street dogs were poisoned at that time. I was shattered when I came to k ow about it. Or maybe global warming is the reason. Or maybe it is Gonzalo's prediction. Or maybe before goverment can come and destroy the places there like they did in kasol,Manali
Is self destructing itself to prevent any outsider to come and plunder. Or maybe scene is not that huge and just media channels at fault to make it look so gruesome. But then, am worried about it. And I wish for things to get better over there.
2:44
'juda hoke bhi tu mujhmein kahin baaki hai'

'Wo lamhe, wo yadein
Koi na jaane'

You look so so beautiful today dear Tu. I can see so many stars, can even exchange energy with the magic star.
'Dil diyan gallan
Karange naal naal wai ke'

I did lot much art past entire day. Took many tee shirts that I don't wear for they are way covered and succomb my neck... I cut them with a scissor from various places. Also did thread work. And beaded them with a ring or two here and there. Bang! They are good to be worn - that too with all my style and gaity. Also, made another neck piece with pink thread and copper beads. Plus another painting with pencil colors on paper.
My coffee has turned into cold coffee but I am loving it.

'jeeney laga hun pehle se zyada
Pehle se zyada tum pe marne laga hun'

Few songs are good only till a line or two. Ha ha! I like it though how Gaana becomes more like a surprise gift hamper. Any song will get played at any time. Ou just have to take the cursor middle of forest at some point and then it moves on it's own.

I so want to make those videos but along with others. Have got demotivated somewhere due to lack of resources and cancellation of meetings. You gotta revive the spirit in me. Please do. I know I can produce some really artistic and amazing videos for the world to see. Or does my destiny has something else in store for me. A guy approached me recently regarding a modelling assignment. It is a lovely concept. About how plants are alive and respond well to music. If the offer is genuine and it does happen, it will beget some happiness for sure. A creative concept and a productive contribution from my side to it.
Oye Three. Why do you enter so mysteriously these days? Let's go downstairs and continue? What say?
3:02
Here you are... Both of you. And in between am I.
3:03
Ok... Let's go down.

'Hum jiye ja rahe hain
Gam piye jaa rahe hain'

Should I apply to companies now? Atleast till I get the right kind of creative opportunity. I am just unable to convince my heart. But sitting idle also doesn't solve any purpose. Plus I need money to buy resources even for my art. Aah! This web!

Wanna jam? What say? Ha ha! Three, it seems you have become a muse for my poetry. Tu and I love to jam along with you.

Night sky, full moon
Worries in heart. Spirit on bloom.
Step out you. Let's make dreams real.

Bare entity standing below lovely moon.
Twinkling soul reflecting sparkle in gloom.
Smile on! Here I dance.

Colors spread on pallate and canvas.
Blackened soul wonders
Wherefrom reflections score from.

Black and white the keys sing
Filling rainbows to the songs.
Magic lies in touch of those fingers.

Dreams - so many of them.
Of reaching heights and touching depths.
Wish I was a tree.

Tired self to the ambers within,
'Light up my fire or else I'll stay dim'
'Fie! Die!' Came the reply!

3:20
Happily in bed. All washed and wondering, should I end this. Our meet of tonight? What do you say? These days I have lost my interest from doing anything at all. Though there are few things am ensuring to do everyday. But yeah! The energy level has surely diminished.

Anyway, will take your leave dear Tu and Three. Love you both. Take care both of you. <3


...........



27th september, 2018
Hey 2 AM
As I feed in date, the count down automatically happens. I waste yet another day sleeping. I reminder myself so many times of things to do during day. I am jus unable to act upon them. Instead I just wait opportunity es and friends to knock my door and wake me up. What level is this? Even the inner voice has kind of abandoned. Always happens to me in city. I lose touch with my own self. Instead, notes and wasted, I will away my youth and energy - either sulking or outrageous or sleeping.
Am walking right below moon on my terrace. My body hurts. Despite of doing absolutely nothing the entire day.
Let's dance.

'Like a moth
With no flame
To persuade me
Save me'

I am in a black colored self designed tee. A friend had brought it from Laddakh. It's a gift. Also now customized. And a trousure that I have times to 3/4th... Money got shocked to see so much of scissor
 Work on my clothes. Ha ha! Atleast they cover me much more than boxers and speggaties that I am usually dressed in.
Can you help me get my books published dear Tu? I have four of them that I would really love to see out there. I had even asked papa for it. All he did was get one copy printed of a single book. It won't make me happy right for I have it all in hand written another copy. What I want is to get it published. That too hopefully through Penguine. Many of my course books were from the same publication in grad and post grad. It is a kind of dream in my soul - to get my work pu pushed through them. But their process is long. Needs patience of two years. Had I submitted it earlier, it would have got over -the time by now. But then... I didn't. Neither am doing... Has to be -someone reading it and agreeing to immediately publish it. Ha ha! Such fantasies. Can you make it possible for me? One wish! But then, I shouldn't ask right? For love is all about giving.
2:22
Wow! Perfect timing. Anyway, on you. Do show me the right way though. Don't let me waste time. It is so limited.
'Sakhi maro'

I kind of like Susheela Raman's music. It is light, has a rhythms, her accent and words touch heart, has classical instruments.
'Ardhnarishwaram'

Been a long time, have felt like Shiva or Shakti. Where are my vibes?

2:30
Oh!I love this one.
'Mora saiyaan Mose bole naahi
Tu jo nahi to aise piya hum
Jaise soona aangan
Nain tehaari raah niharein
Nainan ko tarsao na'
This one reminds me of Silver. Always! Oh! I miss him.

'pyaar tumhe kitna karte hain
Tum ye samajh nahi paaoge
Jab hum na honge to piharwa
Bolo kya tab aaoge'

And suddenly, as I focussed on moon, the skyline appeared and all stars appeared to my feeble eyes - together. Even the magic star. Moon has it's own beauty nonetheless.
'Maei ni meriye shimle di rahein'
Also, thinking of Moon sitting far away in Himachal. Hope he is fine in all this flood situation. I wish him well.

'piya basanti re'
Ha ha! This one reminds me of my ex. Not like I want him back in life or something. But yeah, I do think of him with this song.
It's crazy how songs carry so much of memories. How they are tiny tume capsules that can make you transcend time. How they are magical lamps carrying the exact vibes and souls of moments and loved ones.

Ok! A new song.
'Meri rooh karegi fariyaad
Meri sansein kahin kho jayengi
Tb bhi tu mere sang rehna'

Such fantasy! But in heart one can. From emotions one can. Like I still cherish my silver years from then.

'tere zikr mein thi
Kuch aisi nami
Sookhi sansein bhi
Taazi hui'

Isn't it crazy how though I never want to get married, how I have no interest in relations or boundations, how I wanna work on my social and spiritual foundations.... Yet I miss so many people... And people affect me psychologically so much.  For I never quit love. For despite of I hating attachments If believe in love and never stop myself from getting into it. And my expectations there happen automatically -atleast at the level of reliability from either sides.

'aaja tainu akhiyaan udeek diyan
Sajna ve tere vaaju lagda na jee ve'
Lemme change the genre though. Wanna look at this moon and feel something else. Need tor refresh.
'Chetti aaja dholna'
After this. Changing it mid way will be n insult.
Oh! I just danced insanely on this one. I don't know how they sang it. I am totally out if breath. Sweating. It was fun. Genre is still not changed. Even 3 is here.
3:03
Soon yo! Lemme jus finish this one.
'aaja pardesiya waasta ye pyaar ka'

Dancing! Dancing!

Aah! It was 'Halka halka suroor' when U changed. I love that inme now it's 'soldier of fortune'. This ine is selected. What a sad ass I am I feel.
Ok! Let me wash my face.
'Many times I've been a traveller'
'Now I feel I'm glowing older.
And the songs that I've sung
'echo in the distance'...
Can't leave this one.
Sometimes I feel this phone is illetrate for the spell check does crazy tricks to me.

Ok! All wishes and calmed. So, wanna jam? For I have nothing else in my mind. I did jam a lot today on Haikujam!

Star stays with me every night
Moon is guest of few nights
Yet I'm moon inclined.

Friends in city
Are pawns of utility
Such are city vibes!

Mankind is silly
Intoxicated on the idea of love
Slept on bed of hope
Dawns happen with heartbreaks!

'One day' is such a fairy tale
It only serves in hooking you up
To the problem
Till you forget or die.

I have many to miss
Including that one kiss
One meet, one connection.
For what? Time goes on.

I understand - there are many ways.
Also, that I have to choose.
My only question,
To reach where?

Standing in utter darkness
In front of sea, on 11th floor
I don't wanna return.
I can't go any further.

While I sit hanging upon a cliff
Can't trek up for it's 90 degrees
Can't move down for it's raining.
Hey rainbow! Help me slide to another world!

Night sky is a computer screen
Full of latitudes and longitudes
Of the dome of sky!
Are we all buried under night sky?

In between the peripheries of my lashes
are numerous whisps and magical particles
Neither can I close them, nor I can open!

Oh! One of my favorite songs is being played dear Tu and Three.
It's 'wind of change' by 'scorpions'.

'Listening to the wind of change..
The world is closing in
Did you ever think
That we could be so close
Like brothers
The future's in the air
I can feel it every where
And blowing with the wind
Of change
Take me to the magic of the moment
On a glory night
Where the children of tomorrow
Dream away
With the wind of change'

3:30
Waah! Timing!
So my loves... Should we get going? Or should we jam on?
Or maybe dance for a while?
'Those were the best days of my life's
This one always reminds me of Bangalore.
'I guess nothing can last forever'
Ok! Let's further jam! Or let's first go downstairs. For I've had too much of water.
Am back! Oh! Forgot to wash my feet! Ha ha! Guess, will call it a night though. We'll meet tomorrow yo! Love!

.......

28th October,2018

Yo my love.my dear 2 AM. Have just returned from a short sneak out. Like a drive around with a friend. It was great. Will have to make coffee.. in my room. Been long know that we have begun our meets over here. I just tasted some flavour of other borders.
Should we go on terrace? I think that will be better. it is too cosy and comfortable here but then I've been sleeping the entire day and want out further. Also, that we have but two days left. I don't wanna compromise with our meets I any way. Let me make coffee first in that case.
Ok then! Have managed to make a mug of cold coffee for myself. Also am on terrace below a diamond shaped moon.
Last entire morning I read Mahabharata. Even in my dreams I guess I was thinking of it's stories. Do you know Bhima and hanuman were brothers..  that ghatotkach was Bhima and Kunti's son. That Arjuna was Lord Indra's son and while Pandavas were supposed to stay in forest incognito for 13 years, Arjuna had gone to Himalayas to get arms from Indra. He was blessed by Shiva in his warrior skills and godly weapons. That Uma devi is another name of Parvati. Aah! I got to know so many new things today. Also, Yudhishthar was son of Yama - The God of Death and Dharma.
When I woke up my family was watching Mahabharata on TV. Ha ha.   I surely was in some other timeline the entire day.
Oh! The stuff was kickass that I had some time earlier. Thank you Shiva. The magic star is twinkling in the sky as a gesture of Hi.
'Ye fitoor mera laaya mujhko
Hai tere kareeb
Ye fitoor mera
Rehmat teri
Ye fitoor mera
Maine bdla hai mera naseeb
Ye fitoor mera
Chaahat teri
Parvadiyaara'

I am in a long black tee with pale yellow guitar sticker with a lot of punk graffiti on it. I have cut it at couple of places. It's off shoulder from one side... The arm kind of clasps the arm leaving the shoulder bare.
Now I wanna dance. Under the moon.  Wanna just keep waltzing. Cold coffee is epic. Just can't have enough of it. Though tummy feels full.
2:22
Lucky you! Lucky for me. V. V. Lucky. And special.
'aaj jaane ki zidd na karo'
Am dancing. Consider it a dedication - both the song and dance.
2:24
I can see a bat flying in sky and this makes me sad. For I think I injured a baby bat today. So a bat had entered our home and was flying crazily all over. I told my family to step back... Switched off the fan.. and tried to create vibes in air so that it flies away from it outside the balcony's door. It didn't... So I had to pick a broom to push him outside. I had no intention of hitting it... But I got scared in the last instance and in my reflex that too exact hit it with force. It fell down on floor. It was a baby bat. I kept it outside for at that time it seemed unable to fly.  After ten minutes I felt so so guilty for I am the same person who had once found a bab bat on road and had picked it with a stick to hang it safely on a tree where cats or cars couldn't have hurt it. And I hit another life today..  I went outside but I couldn't find it anymore. Maybe it flew away. Maybe it found a place to hide. But I hurt another life today and I have this huge weight on my heart. For in andamaans in Kalipur's limestone caves, when I had gone in their house- say those closed caves, none had hurt me. They were all over on the roofs. Aah! I feel so bad. Wish it is fine - wherever it is.
It was so tiny.
2:32
Oh! You two. Ok! Let me roll!
Ok.. 2:43 ... Guess I took too long.
Boom Shankar! I had this crazy dream this evening where kids of my momcy's school were all standing below my nani's place and were singing 'Shiv kailashon ke waasi' which is my soul's favorite song. It's a himachali folk song and I've sung it all over the country in front of different people.
Have been dancing. Moon is pretty. I have not much to say for I can feel it - you fleeting away. I wanna say it all but nothing comes out. More like a flood halted at the dam. A lump in my throat. A twitched nerve of the finger. You are fleeting away.. two more days to go. And then we won't be meeting everyday. I lives it - this keeping up with you. And unlike rest of my affairs with other timelines, I have been able to ensure our meetings everyday with an exception of only one night. Also, that for the first time, meetings lasted not just for half an hour or 45 minutes but mostly more than an hour... Sometimes even two to three hours. I don't know about the quality of our connection but I for sure am attached to it by now. I love you dear Tu. In my present, you have a v. Significant value.
The blue star sparkles still.

'udne kahan yun
Mann banwla re
Aya kahan se
Ye hausla re'

Ok... Another dance for you...Before Three comes.
'Tu bin btaye mujhe le chal kahin'
Dear Tu, Time, Shiva, cosmos, Ma ... Take me wherever you feel like... Wherever I can be so, that you be happy with me.

'Mujhe kuch bhi nahi chahiye tumse
Na dilasa, na bharosa
Na waah waah, na hamnawi'

Mujhe bus tumhara hona hai... Wo sab karna hai
Jisse tumhe khushi mile.

Yo Three... Sup yo! Hope you are happy! I for sure am in some other world. Though along with Tu. And that is good. For today in Mahabharata a brahmin told Yudhishthir at the time of his depression while roaming in hard forest lanes that his pain can't be the worst of all... That everyone feels that his/her pain is the worst for feeling is more intense for a person than hearing about it or seeing it. That, even if Yudhishthir had to live through the hardships of wilderness but atleast he had his family alongside to accompany him at the time of distress... That there has even been a king who was cursed to be separated from his beloved wife and live in forest all alone in the pages of history. So, I am kind of blessed here. And Tu has been here in my thinking cap. So are you. It's our mystical black hole.
'Tu jogi teri joganiyaa
Main joganiya'

I am scared of bats suddenly. For I feel they will take their revenge. I have hurt their baby. Also, now that I think of it... I have some connection to them. Because back in Bangalore also that a bat used to live in the lamp outside my room. Just my room. Nowhere else. But it maybe the case that I stay awake during nights more and that's why I only notice them.
Bangalore brought silver back to my mind. Wonder, where just he be and what he must be doing.
Probably sleeping or dancing or having dinner or I don't know.
3:22
Woah! You two.
Of course my Tu. You have all my attention.
Wanna jam? Should we go downstairs though? Lie down and then chill? I won't ditch Luke last night. But let's go.
Ok! Am downstairs.
3:29
Three, tu, triple three
Quite an Alliteration!

So... Wanna jam? Let's! I don't know how I will do it after our meets. Maybe you can leave these gifts with me - both of your brilliant minds. For I so love to jam with you. But then, are these not our inner voices? For me, I don't use my mind at all. It just flows - out on it's own. Let's have an extempore.

Complaints and judgements
Emotions and sensations
Expectations and desires.

What must not be asked
Also shouldn't be flooded
Is love. Subtle and specific.

Love means abundance
Of giving, understanding, being.
With soul and existence.

The fan waltz in routine
Darkness yet conceals
The songs of distress.

Diamond shaped moon
Beaded in roasary of stars
Worn elegantly by night.

And here I am... Finally back in my bed. All washed and cleaned. Maybe today I will re-do two shelves of my cupboard. I will clean and take out craft material, will get done with unnecessary stuff and keep my printer inside.
Been kings things have been bit messy around. Not so much si for I try to keep all shelves sorted... Yet the fact that I hardly stay in Delhi doesn't connect me enough here to give too much of importance to it..m but if I am staying, it has to be sorted and less filled. I prefer emptiness anyway. Even furniture is a big no for me usually.

No furniture, no extra stuff
Just emptiness in my room
To embrace my true self.

Get rid of all that luggage
The memories, layers.
Wake up! It's present.

A red light. Constant one.
On a crossway, in a hospital,
Outside couple room, of a buzzer.
The light though is same.

Sun lit room of past
Walled and dressed by my own fingers
When did you grow up enough to be gone!

Connections retain when valued.
It's all about priorities.
Even when each is way busy.

We are all but pools of datas
On face hard disks of different companies
Holding icons of but primary emotions.

Hunger is a silly thing
Like a seed grown in groins.
It itches randomly. And even feels full sometimes.

Updating is quite in trend. presently
Phones, personalities, ideologies, status, houses, jobs, lifestyle people.
Wonder! If it is always progress!

Alright my darlings! Will take your leave. It was quite fun meeting tonight. Love you both so much. Mmmuuuaaah!
Morning by the way! Four is on it's way.

...........
29th September, 2018
My dear 2 AM. am all done with making coffee and filling and staff... Just give me like 2 to hold it all and go upstairs.
It is quite a mahipal night up here. So many clouds in a round moving wombing the moon almost in centre.

The moon is beside a mermaid like cloud. I am listening to 'Lovers in Paris'. Now clouds from all four directions have made a kind of smaller circle - orbiting around and dancing along moon. It's a pretty sight. I am bit dull in spirits. Let me play something groovy.
Some playlist named 'dirty dancing'... Ha ha! So unlike my love life these days. There was some party in Manali tonight. Any such invitation pulls me instantly. I wish to fly and reach there. But even my friends are no more there. A place is not just place because of it's beauty anymore for me. Apart from nature it also has huge impact of people in terms of it's vibes.

'just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
she is like the wind'

Really? Dirty it seemed! Lol!
So my love. It is but our second last date. Can you even feel it? It's so like our usual dates. But soon we won't be regular at our meets. Let's live it fully till we have time. Ha ha..  irony is - I am talking to you dear time. And even you have no control upon yourself. For you can neither stop or decrease or increase your pace. Doesn't it get boring sometimes? But then, you live every fraction of second with it's awareness. So it must be different. Plus you have uncountable timelines happening simultaneously of all that are alive.
Oh! The moon is totally gone behind a huge thick cloud. It will rain for sure. I hope it drizzles soon though. There is not even much wind - so there are less chances of clouds floating away.
And the moon is back.

2:22
You in your magnitude.
Dear Tu. You are magnificent. And you look gorgeous tonight.
'Be my baby'
Ha ha! I find this word 'baby' for adult way funny. And if a guy calls me so, I immediately get annoyed.
'aa phir se mujhe chor ke
Jaane ke liye aa
Ranjish hi sahi
Dil hi dukhane ke liye aa'
I really love this one by Papon. My all time favorite. Oh, btw, saw Silver's post some where. He is doing well with his life. It was good to see him after such a long time.
It's exactly one after my birthday. I was sulking last month at this time.
Moon is right on my head and I just can't have enough of it. And the magic star is shimmering so magnificently.
2:32
Nice to see you together. But then you will always be together.
And I just saw a flock of six birds in V and right tick shaped formations flying below the silver moon in the night sky. Moments like these add on tot he surreal visions I get into.
'Ya raheem, ya kareem
Apne habeeb ke sadke mein
Sun le meri dua'

And I am dancing insanely on this.for my mind and thoughts are all clouded today if not the moon anymore.
Stars are getting more and more prominent in sky. Clouds are simply dissolving in nothingness.not even flying off to any other places. Just evaporating or vanishing.
'Ja rahi kaali ghata
Jiya mora lehraya hai
Sun ri koyal banwri tu
Kyun manwa gaa raha hai'

Oh! I finally cleaned those two shelves. My printer is well kept. Also that I found a hammock I had bought from Digha beach in West Bengal. It's a jute thing. Am tempted to hang it in my room but am unable to fix up a place for the room seems already full. I prefer spaces to be empty. At my home, I have no option. Anywhere else that I stay, I keep it as empty as possible. I am thinking so much het hardly typing anything today. Either an lazy or out of words or lack energy tonight. Why is Delhi so energy draining. Why do I forget my natural self over here? I just will time sleeping. But I love my people. So have to figure out a mid way. Reminds me of Buddha's preachings. Buddhism was a subject for me in post graduation. I had always wondered about this midway for I always considered myself as girl of extremities. I do believe in the overall balance though but not at every step. I rather prefer to dive to the depths and hike to heights. They have their own risk. Also subtle has it's own beauty.
'Mann lago mero yaar
Laago fakeeri mein
Jo sukh paun naam bhajan mein
Sau sukh nahi ameeri mein'

I just saw a flash of white light in sky. Like a skyshot - single one and white in color.
'sahib milein sahoori mein'
I didn't feel this hour passing by my love. Have hardly conversed much today. You are just running..  aah! You can't play games like that. When I cherish our time so much.
'Moko kahan dhundhe re bnde'
So much of magic in sky tonight.
'main to tere paas mein'
3:02
And the chairs changed. Yo Three. Welcome! Am dancing with Tu. So good to see you have joined along. Let's all dance together.
'Ghunghat ke pat khol ri
Tohe piya milenge'
Such a meaningful song know. So metaphorical. And spiritual.

I think I should reach that level of being humble where no ego can touch me. Also, I won't be harsh with my words anymore. I will just give love to all. And will do whatever work will come my way. Regardless of amount involved. I will just do it - for the sake of creation.

'maaya mari na man mara
Asha trishna na mari
Jheeni re chadariya'

'jab mori chaadar panghar ko ayi
Rangrej ko deeni
Aisa rang racha rangrej ne
Laalo laal kar deeni
Jheeni re chadariya'

Ha ha! Literal meaning is quite funny though. One can even make some washing powder add on it.

My heart is welled with a strange emotion. Please help me get financially stable. I don't want my mom to work anymore. I hate to see her stressing out so much. I don't want to give her any pain because of me. Have had too many complaints. I have been so thankless. Please help me dear Tu and Three. You have always k own my intentions. I really want her to be happy. And I wanna do so much with my dreams as well. Nothing happens. Why? Why doesn't it happen despite of my efforts. Some or the other obstruction always occurs.
I feel heavy -for seeing my talent getting wasted. My mom made me so talented, gave me such profound knowledge, helped me become the person and free spirit that I am.... And I have done nothing significant for her or even for her creation so far. Help me! Even the cosmos has dumped me or so I feel. Yet, everything happens for good. Today while making chapters in morning I got this thought... In order to make a good chapati first it has to be flattened with equal pressure and soft hands and love. Also, it won't be properly done given the flame is too dim or too much. And the pan has to be perfectly hot at all times for it to blow up into a proper roti. If I leave it in sim, it won't become a balloon and will rather be hard. Difficulties or pressures are essential for an energy to blow up to it's perfect level of softness and form.
3:22
Woah! Woah!
'ud jayega, hans akela
Jag darshan ka mela'
I gotta groove on. Again I have to do things on my own. But I need your guidance and strength. Have been long waiting for right opportunities or people. Help me rather create opportunities for others. Make me so able. I don't know how. Help me know that 'How'.
And the clouds are back towards one side. Highlighting few more stars and a bat.
'khoonsurat hai wo itna saha nahin jaata
Chaand mein daag hai jaante hain hum Lekin
raat bhar dekhe bina usko
Raha nahin jaata'

3:32
And this one had inspired me so much in my Pan India trip...
'Musafir hun yaron
Na ghar hai na thikana
Mujhe bus chalte jaana'

So wanna jam my loves? Let's!

I now no more miss mountains
Nor star lit skies and greens
For I carry them all - in me.

'To go on' was my motto
Still is
Only the ways have changed form.

Through the gap in a cloud
Moon peeps like an eye
Beaming at the beauty of
Wild child.

Haha! Background sons suddenly became relatable.
'seekho na...
Naino ki bhasha piya
Keh rahi
Tumse ye khamoshiyan
Seekho na
Lab to na kholungi main samjho
Naino ki boli
Seekho na
Naino ki bhasha piya'
Reminds me of my favorite kind of dance along with others. Only thing mandatory then is an eye contact. Rest all is flow with music and emotions. It is totally an energy exchange and way amazing a form.
Wanna change the genre? Am just loving this night. The moonlit clouded sky. I dancing. Sufi music. So relaxed. Perfectly fine.
'Aaj jaane ki zidd na karo
Yun hi pehlu mein baithe raho
Aaj jaane ki zidd na karo'

To be humble
Is the noblest virtue.
That, what we are born to learn.

The blue and red star
Twinkling it's magic.
Why the on and off?
Oh! The distance.

Eyes are but only doors
To other's soul.
Only thread of connection.
But of course, after vibes!

I should probably open my heart wider. Should have more love for others. Shouldn't have any complaints or expectations but simply love from all my soul. That is the only way that can lead to peace I feel. Any other way leads to disappointment or unrest at some or other level. I don't know if one should be smart with choices and connections like Krishna or totally detached yet full on innocence and power like Shiva or be solitary and simply keep creating like Brahma... Maybe it's a blend of all. Yet being in this human form, love and humble attitude along with empathy and compassion should be practiced. Else, I am gonna go crazy or would keep on finding escapes from people, situations or places. Probably I have blocked enough negative vibes or complicated situations. That can never be the solution. It will only limit my periphery. I should instead open gates for all in a not attached way. But it sure affects when a negative vibes comes in. But the affect is in my hands in the form on my reaction to it. I have to increase my tolerance level and positive vibe.
But of course I don't know the correct way and experimenting still.

4:04
Hey four. Sup yo! Been long time. Every night we all leave just before you arrive. Today is a day of acceptance. I have cried so much or so I remember when we used to meet. For I had this burning desire at that time to keep in travelling. This time I feel it is my career that has been m theme. Still struggling with understanding life. Yet tonight, I feel a bit more sorted. I have found a ray of light. Any time a change happens in me, I feel it as another step in my journey in life. Though I still don't understand the reason or purpose of it. It will remain a mystery to me. For none could find out except that we have to live in and 30th september, 2018
Hey my love, my 2 AM
I just had a quick hot shower fprI wanted it to feel special tonight. Still gotta wear perfume. Ha ha! Today, you give me five. And then we'll sit for as long. Also, gotta roll. Wish I had something else as well to celebrate. But ya. Wait.
2:02

To
2:20
Whaaaaa?
Why are you hasting away my love? Did I take so much of time? Ok! Won't make coffee now. Let's just go to terrace. Also, it is Saturday night.
Going up! Can hear peacocks from the park beside.
The moon is a little more than half tonight. Mom is going for a week to Uttarakhand this morning. Also, this is our last meet of this session. Oh! Imagine the sudden void I'm gonna have the entire week. What will I do? I'm gonna miss both of you. Seriously! I don't want momcy to go... But I can't even stop her. Being the traveller that I am, I know it makes no sense. I am way attached to her. Also, when I go outside, it doesn't bother me... But when she goes, it kills me. For staying in Delhi makes absolutely no sense to me but to be with her. Even if I keep fighting or hardly actually converse for long any more. For we end up discussing my life and lacks in it and that upsets me. Yet we both love each other.   And home doesn't feel home at all without her.
'Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house ain't no home
Anytime she goes away'

Let me play some music though. And then we can Boom!
2:34
Quite progressive you seem today! So, what are you planning to do now onwards dear Tu? I have absolutely no clue for my life past entire month has totally got synched as per our meets. Aah! Separation is always painful.
I am dressed in a cream and turquine middy with white and black micro boxers. Also that I pampered my skin after years I guess just this afternoon for I thing I've got some allergy on my skin. But post care, I feel beautiful. Even mom said, 'stay like this itself on my return, as cute as you are now'. And I replied, 'Keep your love as unconditional and it will naturally happen'. Ha ha. I adore momcy and mine's converversations and punchlines. Last morning was so special. We both sang songs together while working in the kitchen. I don't want her to go. I'll miss her. Can't stop her. I did try. Once. She said, 'it is all safe'... Do take care of her dear Tu. Tell your friends as well. All the timelines. She is my everything. My Bhrama, my vishnu, my Shiva. Keep her happy. May she enjoy herself and learn a lot from her spiritual course - what she is going for. And you too take care of your dear Tu. I again don't know how to keep you. Each has his or her own path I guess.

'You're beautiful
It's true
I saw your face
In a crowded place
And I don't know what to do'

2:44
All my emotions are welled for mom tonight. Oh Tu. How will I forgive myself for being so caught up in my own things in our last meet. But again... I don't like separations. I don't think about it till it has already happened. Some defense mechanism probably.
'I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope
I'll be your Love
Be everything what you need'

'I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bath with you in sea
I wanna live like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me'

I love you. Truly, madly, deeply, completely.

'oh! Can't you see
You belong to me'

So out of words tonight. With eyes welled and heart swelled, don't know what to say... Should we dance together? Wanna dance with me love?
Let's.
'Love will keep us alive'

'When you try your best
But can't success
When you get what you want
But not what you need...
Stop and revive'

Oye 3... How are you? Last day of our meets this year eh? You have been quite frequent though. Like a mutual friend.
'But if you never try
You never know...'

'Lights will guide you home
And will ignite your bones
And I'll try to fix you'

How strange is life... One moment all gloomy. One minute full of possibilities.

3:02
Here we are together my loves.
All three of us. I love it when am in the middle of you two.

3:03
Guess... I have to be stronger. I too go whenever I have to. Everyone has his/her own journey, timing, pace. We shouldn't come in anyone's path.
Ha ha! To imagine we were just now dancing on 'Hips don't lie'.
But yeah! Optimism is the key. I should attract right vibes by waiting positive frame of mind.
'You're not alone
I'm here with you'

'First I need your hand
Then forever can begin'

Moon, magic star, Orion, many more stars and sky. It is a pretty sight.
'Though you're far away
I'm here to stay'

Oh! Such music tonight.

'I've been around the world
When I met you girl
It's like coming whole
To what you call home
Take my love
You should take my love'

Time is running tonight. Why are you both being like this tonight? Simply fleeting away.
Have played some flute in background now. It's even named 'mystical'. Maybe some similar vibe or energy.
I suddenly remember the temple of Tirchi. Don't remember it's name but it is on a hilltop. You gotta climb a lot any stairs. It is ancient with lot many sculptures kept all over. Top most temple is dedicated to Ganesha. Right in front is the slope of the mount with a fence. If you somehow cross that, you can sit far off from the crowd and look at the entre city. I am thinking of that place and that one evening I had spent there looking at the vastness in front.
3:22
Wanna have a sword dance? It's bit tiring though.
Another place in mind is the big temple of Thanjavur. It is dedicated to Shiva and is gigantic. Vibes are literally insane there. So powerful. And if we are talking about vibes, oh the Harihar temple of Bhuvaneshvar. Sunrise there is just transcending. It takes one to other dimensions - to look at the red of early sun behind sillhouettes of horse on the top of main lingam with a flag winding the morning in front. That lingam has thousands of lingams on it's structure along with many magnificent sculptures. Though the temple of Puri is also quite vibes that way. I had danced so much the two times that I visited it. To the tunes of classical instruments all dancing for Lord Shiva, all chanting his name and emitting the powerful vibes.
Don't know from where all these temples came into my mind. Maybe because of music. It is so elevating.
3:30
This number has like so so special connection to me. To manali. To my timings.
It is two times three with me. Ha ha!

Aisa kya keh jaun tujhe
Ki izhaare mohabbat ho jaye'

I miss moon sitting on mountains lost in his own world. I so love his voice. Miss those jamming sessions from last year.  But if it comes to jamming, I had the best connection with Silver. We kind of knew every breath, every high and low, we held each other if the other's pitch went low. It was another level of connection.
Thinking of my first ever solo trip. Where I had written 40 songs in 18 days of silence. Only words - were my lyrics that I used to sing along with river and in forests. Can't ever forget playing harmonica along with strong bass of Beas... And oh that green feminine beauty shimmering between snow and brown patch of earth. The Sataluj and I in the womb of it. With my feet upon rocks, looking upon those snow covered peaks and sataluj flowing all the way from top to where I was standing - right below my feet. And I singing for it's beauty..  I miss those jamming sessions much more than with humans... For they were so aligned with my heart.  Such connections! Such sounds! Such sessions!

For me, my musical teachers have been birds for a long time. Every morning that cuckoos, peacocks, sparrows and magpies hangout here in Delhi. Cuckoos have this special sweet voice that they utter out at different pitches. You actually feel the sound coming from different segments of our upper body beginning from lower chakras till head. And peacocks I guess call their group of peahens or they all simply jam together. But they do respond back when I jam along. So do the cuckoos. Ant other bird I haven't really been able to exactly replicate. But birds are so so musical and I find them to be the best music teachers. And it is fun to learn from them. For they'll keep on jamming till you want. Go one note wrong and they will either go mute or change their song. Maybe they mock or something. Or probably they demote and promote. Don't know. When have the students ever known the ways of teachers or life known the reasons behind certain actions of time! You just gotta believe and give your hundred percent heart to it.
I wanna listen to 'ja rahe ho' though even this one is good - the instrumental one. Let me play that first.

Woah! It's quite an old song. Didn't know.
'Akele akele kahan ja rahe ho
Humein saath le lo
Jahan jaa rahe ho'
Relatable but this is not the one I wanted to play. The movie's name is nice 'An evening in Paris'.
Let me play the other one after this though. Oh! I can't find it. I have the tune to it. It's more of a gazal. Some silly songs are popping up instead. It's a husky female voice. I so wanna listen to it... Ok! Can't handle more shitty suggestions. Let me play something else. I am sure it will just pop up.
Yo 4. Welcome! It's the last session of this year. Join in. We're celebrating - the usual way.
'Tum itna jo muskura rahe ho
Kya gam hai jisko chupa rahe ho'
Have played flute again. Couldn't find anything specific. Just that song that I wanted to listen to, the one I had in mind.
It's quite foggy now - winter blooming soon. Do you remember our sessions four? Weren't they always so foggy. But it was the month of November. Hey Three.... It's our anniversary tomorrow. Remember our meets last year in Manali. They happened in October, last year. It was such a magical time. Happy first anniversary love in advance. Thank you Tu and four for your wishes as well.
4:08
I feel a bit cold suddenly. Like the emotions have been numbed. Like early morning at night time. I sound crazy I know. Ha ha! Am talking about the feel though.

I am craving to click pictures. Been a ver long time. Wish had a decent phone or a camera. This one moment is worth a landscape shot. Or maybe 360 degrees. Or a time capsule to be visited anytime. Red sky bursting out of fog behind one society. White flood lights in distance in sky's wall beside. A vintage cream wall of society on third side with a way illuminated by orange grey upon road. And a 50% blend of light orange and grey on the forth wall of sky. And up there is moon, Orion and magic star -allat significantly different position... Blue star and Orion have taken higher places now. Soon they gonna reach right on top of my head. They all are in a way. And in the centre of all this beauty is this beauty of our meetings. I in my turquoise color dress dancing mildly to the tunes of flute, dance walking on the moon light reflecting cemented floor.
 Oh! This one has panorama. Also, have made a tiny video. Not of that great quality. But is.

4:20
Boom!
Quite a timing! Ha ha!
Soon I would have to go downstairs. Ma has to go early morning. Oh!
Ok! Let's jam. What say? I always love these sessions.

Turbulence in heart
Worries and concerns
Futile lamentations.
You can't do shit about anything.

Time goes on.
Take a ship!
Play with waves. Face them.
Float with them.

Trees tossed together to grow
Wherefrom you get such patience n strength
To stay despite of vibes and yet provide.

Who am I?
A light? An energy? Elemental experiment. Life?
Noneity!

In this large universe
Find yourself
In that tiny star
Shimmering in darkness.
Stay alive! It's a circle.

Blooming darkness
Shines at night.
Emiting from a black sun.
The absence!

Many names in notifications
Many shares. Many likes.
What about human time!
Life has turned digital.

I dance to the beats
Thumps of a tabla in a cave
Beside river - in my dream.

Previous births are but schools
That we have already learned from.
Welcome to real life my friend!
It needs new learning. Novel instruments.New skill sets.

Agony of night
It has to sleep
When the day comes.

Afternoons are but an enemy
Excess of yellow
Routine and mundaneness.

Grey is but a pleasant shade
Has perfect blend
Of night and day.

Sunsets and sunrises
Are gifts of divine
To feel Shiva vibe!
Transformation. Reformation. Revival.

Glowing in the sand
Is a tiny pearl.
Sand may consume it some day.
Or It might alliterate. Someone. Something.

4:33
What should I do? Just don't feel like ending this night. Ok! Let's go downstairs. We must meet in my room as well. For that's where I spend most of my time. And in there, I wanna carry your scent. The perfume of love.

Mom is already awake. Guess I would have to call it a night then. Wanna spend some time with her as well before she goes for an entire week. Oh! Am already waiting for her return.
Cool yo! Would have loved to meet 5 as well today. But however! Momcy comes foremost. Love you all.
And dearest Tu, thank you for everything.
4:44
Tu square all trippled..
Yeah! Love you too. A lot. You are special - always remember that. And I love you. Just appear in front of me whenever and I will be there for you.
Let me give you a warm hug!
Love you ! <3 :*

 others too. Sometimes I get into a totally opposite frame of mind. In those existential crises moments, it becomes too difficult to convince my mind. Yet I live on - don't know why. Maybe I have been blessed with quite a number of things to live for.
Ha ha! The sing suddenly is
'can't live, can't live without you'

Ok then! Guess time to go. Else I will keep blabbering on. And it has no limits. Love you all!

'Now you've given me a
Will to survive
When we're hungry
Love will keep us alive'


........

30th september, 2018
Hey my love, my 2 AM
I just had a quick hot shower fprI wanted it to feel special tonight. Still gotta wear perfume. Ha ha! Today, you give me five. And then we'll sit for as long. Also, gotta roll. Wish I had something else as well to celebrate. But ya. Wait.
2:02

To
2:20
Whaaaaa?
Why are you hasting away my love? Did I take so much of time? Ok! Won't make coffee now. Let's just go to terrace. Also, it is Saturday night.
Going up! Can hear peacocks from the park beside.
The moon is a little more than half tonight. Mom is going for a week to Uttarakhand this morning. Also, this is our last meet of this session. Oh! Imagine the sudden void I'm gonna have the entire week. What will I do? I'm gonna miss both of you. Seriously! I don't want momcy to go... But I can't even stop her. Being the traveller that I am, I know it makes no sense. I am way attached to her. Also, when I go outside, it doesn't bother me... But when she goes, it kills me. For staying in Delhi makes absolutely no sense to me but to be with her. Even if I keep fighting or hardly actually converse for long any more. For we end up discussing my life and lacks in it and that upsets me. Yet we both love each other.   And home doesn't feel home at all without her.
'Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house ain't no home
Anytime she goes away'

Let me play some music though. And then we can Boom!
2:34
Quite progressive you seem today! So, what are you planning to do now onwards dear Tu? I have absolutely no clue for my life past entire month has totally got synched as per our meets. Aah! Separation is always painful.
I am dressed in a cream and turquine middy with white and black micro boxers. Also that I pampered my skin after years I guess just this afternoon for I thing I've got some allergy on my skin. But post care, I feel beautiful. Even mom said, 'stay like this itself on my return, as cute as you are now'. And I replied, 'Keep your love as unconditional and it will naturally happen'. Ha ha. I adore momcy and mine's converversations and punchlines. Last morning was so special. We both sang songs together while working in the kitchen. I don't want her to go. I'll miss her. Can't stop her. I did try. Once. She said, 'it is all safe'... Do take care of her dear Tu. Tell your friends as well. All the timelines. She is my everything. My Bhrama, my vishnu, my Shiva. Keep her happy. May she enjoy herself and learn a lot from her spiritual course - what she is going for. And you too take care of your dear Tu. I again don't know how to keep you. Each has his or her own path I guess.

'You're beautiful
It's true
I saw your face
In a crowded place
And I don't know what to do'

2:44
All my emotions are welled for mom tonight. Oh Tu. How will I forgive myself for being so caught up in my own things in our last meet. But again... I don't like separations. I don't think about it till it has already happened. Some defense mechanism probably.
'I'll be your dream
I'll be your wish
I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope
I'll be your Love
Be everything what you need'

'I wanna stand with you on a mountain
I wanna bath with you in sea
I wanna live like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me'

I love you. Truly, madly, deeply, completely.

'oh! Can't you see
You belong to me'

So out of words tonight. With eyes welled and heart swelled, don't know what to say... Should we dance together? Wanna dance with me love?
Let's.
'Love will keep us alive'

'When you try your best
But can't success
When you get what you want
But not what you need...
Stop and revive'

Oye 3... How are you? Last day of our meets this year eh? You have been quite frequent though. Like a mutual friend.
'But if you never try
You never know...'

'Lights will guide you home
And will ignite your bones
And I'll try to fix you'

How strange is life... One moment all gloomy. One minute full of possibilities.

3:02
Here we are together my loves.
All three of us. I love it when am in the middle of you two.

3:03
Guess... I have to be stronger. I too go whenever I have to. Everyone has his/her own journey, timing, pace. We shouldn't come in anyone's path.
Ha ha! To imagine we were just now dancing on 'Hips don't lie'.
But yeah! Optimism is the key. I should attract right vibes by waiting positive frame of mind.
'You're not alone
I'm here with you'

'First I need your hand
Then forever can begin'

Moon, magic star, Orion, many more stars and sky. It is a pretty sight.
'Though you're far away
I'm here to stay'

Oh! Such music tonight.

'I've been around the world
When I met you girl
It's like coming whole
To what you call home
Take my love
You should take my love'

Time is running tonight. Why are you both being like this tonight? Simply fleeting away.
Have played some flute in background now. It's even named 'mystical'. Maybe some similar vibe or energy.
I suddenly remember the temple of Tirchi. Don't remember it's name but it is on a hilltop. You gotta climb a lot any stairs. It is ancient with lot many sculptures kept all over. Top most temple is dedicated to Ganesha. Right in front is the slope of the mount with a fence. If you somehow cross that, you can sit far off from the crowd and look at the entre city. I am thinking of that place and that one evening I had spent there looking at the vastness in front.
3:22
Wanna have a sword dance? It's bit tiring though.
Another place in mind is the big temple of Thanjavur. It is dedicated to Shiva and is gigantic. Vibes are literally insane there. So powerful. And if we are talking about vibes, oh the Harihar temple of Bhuvaneshvar. Sunrise there is just transcending. It takes one to other dimensions - to look at the red of early sun behind sillhouettes of horse on the top of main lingam with a flag winding the morning in front. That lingam has thousands of lingams on it's structure along with many magnificent sculptures. Though the temple of Puri is also quite vibes that way. I had danced so much the two times that I visited it. To the tunes of classical instruments all dancing for Lord Shiva, all chanting his name and emitting the powerful vibes.
Don't know from where all these temples came into my mind. Maybe because of music. It is so elevating.
3:30
This number has like so so special connection to me. To manali. To my timings.
It is two times three with me. Ha ha!

Aisa kya keh jaun tujhe
Ki izhaare mohabbat ho jaye'

I miss moon sitting on mountains lost in his own world. I so love his voice. Miss those jamming sessions from last year.  But if it comes to jamming, I had the best connection with Silver. We kind of knew every breath, every high and low, we held each other if the other's pitch went low. It was another level of connection.
Thinking of my first ever solo trip. Where I had written 40 songs in 18 days of silence. Only words - were my lyrics that I used to sing along with river and in forests. Can't ever forget playing harmonica along with strong bass of Beas... And oh that green feminine beauty shimmering between snow and brown patch of earth. The Sataluj and I in the womb of it. With my feet upon rocks, looking upon those snow covered peaks and sataluj flowing all the way from top to where I was standing - right below my feet. And I singing for it's beauty..  I miss those jamming sessions much more than with humans... For they were so aligned with my heart.  Such connections! Such sounds! Such sessions!

For me, my musical teachers have been birds for a long time. Every morning that cuckoos, peacocks, sparrows and magpies hangout here in Delhi. Cuckoos have this special sweet voice that they utter out at different pitches. You actually feel the sound coming from different segments of our upper body beginning from lower chakras till head. And peacocks I guess call their group of peahens or they all simply jam together. But they do respond back when I jam along. So do the cuckoos. Ant other bird I haven't really been able to exactly replicate. But birds are so so musical and I find them to be the best music teachers. And it is fun to learn from them. For they'll keep on jamming till you want. Go one note wrong and they will either go mute or change their song. Maybe they mock or something. Or probably they demote and promote. Don't know. When have the students ever known the ways of teachers or life known the reasons behind certain actions of time! You just gotta believe and give your hundred percent heart to it.
I wanna listen to 'ja rahe ho' though even this one is good - the instrumental one. Let me play that first.

Woah! It's quite an old song. Didn't know.
'Akele akele kahan ja rahe ho
Humein saath le lo
Jahan jaa rahe ho'
Relatable but this is not the one I wanted to play. The movie's name is nice 'An evening in Paris'.
Let me play the other one after this though. Oh! I can't find it. I have the tune to it. It's more of a gazal. Some silly songs are popping up instead. It's a husky female voice. I so wanna listen to it... Ok! Can't handle more shitty suggestions. Let me play something else. I am sure it will just pop up.
Yo 4. Welcome! It's the last session of this year. Join in. We're celebrating - the usual way.
'Tum itna jo muskura rahe ho
Kya gam hai jisko chupa rahe ho'
Have played flute again. Couldn't find anything specific. Just that song that I wanted to listen to, the one I had in mind.
It's quite foggy now - winter blooming soon. Do you remember our sessions four? Weren't they always so foggy. But it was the month of November. Hey Three.... It's our anniversary tomorrow. Remember our meets last year in Manali. They happened in October, last year. It was such a magical time. Happy first anniversary love in advance. Thank you Tu and four for your wishes as well.
4:08
I feel a bit cold suddenly. Like the emotions have been numbed. Like early morning at night time. I sound crazy I know. Ha ha! Am talking about the feel though.

I am craving to click pictures. Been a ver long time. Wish had a decent phone or a camera. This one moment is worth a landscape shot. Or maybe 360 degrees. Or a time capsule to be visited anytime. Red sky bursting out of fog behind one society. White flood lights in distance in sky's wall beside. A vintage cream wall of society on third side with a way illuminated by orange grey upon road. And a 50% blend of light orange and grey on the forth wall of sky. And up there is moon, Orion and magic star -allat significantly different position... Blue star and Orion have taken higher places now. Soon they gonna reach right on top of my head. They all are in a way. And in the centre of all this beauty is this beauty of our meetings. I in my turquoise color dress dancing mildly to the tunes of flute, dance walking on the moon light reflecting cemented floor.
 Oh! This one has panorama. Also, have made a tiny video. Not of that great quality. But is.

4:20
Boom!
Quite a timing! Ha ha!
Soon I would have to go downstairs. Ma has to go early morning. Oh!
Ok! Let's jam. What say? I always love these sessions.

Turbulence in heart
Worries and concerns
Futile lamentations.
You can't do shit about anything.

Time goes on.
Take a ship!
Play with waves. Face them.
Float with them.

Trees tossed together to grow
Wherefrom you get such patience n strength
To stay despite of vibes and yet provide.

Who am I?
A light? An energy? Elemental experiment. Life?
Noneity!

In this large universe
Find yourself
In that tiny star
Shimmering in darkness.
Stay alive! It's a circle.

Blooming darkness
Shines at night.
Emiting from a black sun.
The absence!

Many names in notifications
Many shares. Many likes.
What about human time!
Life has turned digital.

I dance to the beats
Thumps of a tabla in a cave
Beside river - in my dream.

Previous births are but schools
That we have already learned from.
Welcome to real life my friend!
It needs new learning. Novel instruments.New skill sets.

Agony of night
It has to sleep
When the day comes.

Afternoons are but an enemy
Excess of yellow
Routine and mundaneness.

Grey is but a pleasant shade
Has perfect blend
Of night and day.

Sunsets and sunrises
Are gifts of divine
To feel Shiva vibe!
Transformation. Reformation. Revival.

Glowing in the sand
Is a tiny pearl.
Sand may consume it some day.
Or It might alliterate. Someone. Something.

4:33
What should I do? Just don't feel like ending this night. Ok! Let's go downstairs. We must meet in my room as well. For that's where I spend most of my time. And in there, I wanna carry your scent. The perfume of love.

Mom is already awake. Guess I would have to call it a night then. Wanna spend some time with her as well before she goes for an entire week. Oh! Am already waiting for her return.
Cool yo! Would have loved to meet 5 as well today. But however! Momcy comes foremost. Love you all.
And dearest Tu, thank you for everything.
4:44
Tu square all trippled..
Yeah! Love you too. A lot. You are special - always remember that. And I love you. Just appear in front of me whenever and I will be there for you.
Let me give you a warm hug!
Love you ! <3 :*
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