2nd March, 2016
Sitting in my one month old room, I am planning to leave Bangalore. There are so many things to pull me to Delhi - my home, Momcy, Japanese park, gym, old friends, old dreams, monuments, hang out places... and yet.. beyond all ... there is deep pain to leave Bangalore. In past one year I did so much, learned so much, found so much of love here, underwent so deep a journey ... I am a completely new self now.
One year back, I was broken. This city gave me shelter, gave me so many experiences. I met all kinds of people. Felt great, felt sad. I got my besti here. I got people with whom I share nothing less than a soul connection. I made myself a traveler here. and I managed to live all on my own for an entire year. Time to take the next step. Time to move on. Bangalore gave me so much. I need to keep going. I can't stay here forever. And yet, I know how much I love this city. For I attained a huge self of mine here.
Maybe it is change that is bothering me. Maybe it is separation from something I cherished from bottom of my heart. I can't be at two places at the same time. Plus how can I be a traveler if I can't leave a single location. I shouldn't be this attached to one place. But why not. Guess, this makes me a true traveler - for I made a completely alien place - my home. It is just this feeling, that next time I will come to Bangalore, I won't have a cosy colorful den - waiting for me to open it and enter it's womb.
But then I think of my mother. Not that I don't miss her or her absence here doesn't make me sad. But my love can never be equal to her for she gave me life. I wonder how she handled her pain of getting separated from her own daughter. I must go and live with my family or at least live somewhere where we can be together whenever we feel like.
And I should be rather be happy right now for I have a comfy home with an eager family waiting for me with all their love spilling from the brink. Somehow I have always been bad at handling attachments. At the same time I do get attached. To every small iota of my life that has significance to my soul.
Right now I have a solo trip in mind for which I may leave like tomorrow. Maybe I should just do it. Like leave for the trip then leave for Delhi and not give Bangalore another thought at all. And yet, it is so embibed in my life and life style that it is getting difficult to imagine myself anywhere but here.
But that is how it is always there with me. I don't like separation part. Once I reach a new place, it becomes all happy and dream like. But all that while I knew I had to return to my life in Bangalore. Similarly I also knew that I had to return back to my home.
Probably that shouldn't be my confusion at all. I should focus on my career. I wish even that was simple. Despite of all my seriousness and result oriented approach, there are so many factors to be considered that it all seems like a nicely crafted web with threads from different garlands strangled together. Patience? Force? Concentration? Strategy? Faith?
Mumbai can be my next halt. But all that after fixing up something concrete.
At times, I wonder, did I know about my present in my past. I had never imagined these many changes in my life. Likewise, I have no idea what future has in store for me. It all happens for a reason I guess. A good reason - I believe. I should let myself loose I know. I have all faith in divine and cosmos. But the pain is nevertheless there. For changes are always painful no matter how many positive implications they bring along. This too shall pass.
Sitting in my one month old room, I am planning to leave Bangalore. There are so many things to pull me to Delhi - my home, Momcy, Japanese park, gym, old friends, old dreams, monuments, hang out places... and yet.. beyond all ... there is deep pain to leave Bangalore. In past one year I did so much, learned so much, found so much of love here, underwent so deep a journey ... I am a completely new self now.
One year back, I was broken. This city gave me shelter, gave me so many experiences. I met all kinds of people. Felt great, felt sad. I got my besti here. I got people with whom I share nothing less than a soul connection. I made myself a traveler here. and I managed to live all on my own for an entire year. Time to take the next step. Time to move on. Bangalore gave me so much. I need to keep going. I can't stay here forever. And yet, I know how much I love this city. For I attained a huge self of mine here.
Maybe it is change that is bothering me. Maybe it is separation from something I cherished from bottom of my heart. I can't be at two places at the same time. Plus how can I be a traveler if I can't leave a single location. I shouldn't be this attached to one place. But why not. Guess, this makes me a true traveler - for I made a completely alien place - my home. It is just this feeling, that next time I will come to Bangalore, I won't have a cosy colorful den - waiting for me to open it and enter it's womb.
But then I think of my mother. Not that I don't miss her or her absence here doesn't make me sad. But my love can never be equal to her for she gave me life. I wonder how she handled her pain of getting separated from her own daughter. I must go and live with my family or at least live somewhere where we can be together whenever we feel like.
And I should be rather be happy right now for I have a comfy home with an eager family waiting for me with all their love spilling from the brink. Somehow I have always been bad at handling attachments. At the same time I do get attached. To every small iota of my life that has significance to my soul.
Right now I have a solo trip in mind for which I may leave like tomorrow. Maybe I should just do it. Like leave for the trip then leave for Delhi and not give Bangalore another thought at all. And yet, it is so embibed in my life and life style that it is getting difficult to imagine myself anywhere but here.
But that is how it is always there with me. I don't like separation part. Once I reach a new place, it becomes all happy and dream like. But all that while I knew I had to return to my life in Bangalore. Similarly I also knew that I had to return back to my home.
Probably that shouldn't be my confusion at all. I should focus on my career. I wish even that was simple. Despite of all my seriousness and result oriented approach, there are so many factors to be considered that it all seems like a nicely crafted web with threads from different garlands strangled together. Patience? Force? Concentration? Strategy? Faith?
Mumbai can be my next halt. But all that after fixing up something concrete.
At times, I wonder, did I know about my present in my past. I had never imagined these many changes in my life. Likewise, I have no idea what future has in store for me. It all happens for a reason I guess. A good reason - I believe. I should let myself loose I know. I have all faith in divine and cosmos. But the pain is nevertheless there. For changes are always painful no matter how many positive implications they bring along. This too shall pass.
